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How to Tell if Your Partner is NOT the One

Every relationship has problems – but are all problems worth working through?
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If you find yourself questioning the nature of your relationship, you might be wondering if you’re completely alone. Well, you’re not. It’s completely normal to question your relationship every now and then, especially if you have insecurities or you’re stuck in a rough patch. The truth is, there are some problems that are worth waiting through, and there are some that really aren’t.

How do you know which is which?

Ask yourself the following questions. If possible, have your partner answer them, too – after all, this relationship is about both of you.


Does it feel like there’s something missing?

Don’t ignore your intuition. Even if you don’t know what is missing, identifying that something definitely is tells you that your relationship needs a little attention.


Do you feel like something’s wrong?

Sometimes, the relationship is wrong just because it feels wrong. There’s nothing wrong with leaving a situation that doesn’t feel right – it’s your mind’s self-preservation instincts kicking in. Whether the problem is with you or with her, it’s not going to fix itself.


Do you feel comfortable telling her things?

It’s normal to be a little nervous when you’re sharing things, but if you’re really in love with the person (and she really loves you, too) you should be able to tell her things without worrying about how she’ll take them. Of course, there are exceptions – some news is tough. But in general, how do you feel when you have something to say?


Do you feel closer when you chat?

If you’re talking all the time, but it always feels shallow, there might not be much there. Try having deeper, intimate chats to see if that helps – but if it doesn’t, it might be time to say goodbye.


Does she listen to you?

I’m talking actually listening. When you share your concerns for the relationship, does she try to reach an agreement, or does she simply agree with you to get the conversation over with? (You’ll know the difference based on whether she actually tries to do the things you’ve agreed to.) Your soul mate isn’t going to make you feel ignored.


How do you deal with silence?

You might think that love means overflowing with so much to tell each other. That’s not love, though. When you’re with The One, you’ll be totally comfortable in silence. No awkwardness, no unnecessary words… Just blissful silence sometimes.


How often can you tell what she’s thinking?

You’re not going to be able to read her mind (and it would be pretty creepy if you could), but if you can never tell what’s on her mind at all, it may be a sign that the two of you aren’t very in-sync.


Are you taking the relationship seriously?

You shouldn’t take it too seriously, of course – you need to share some laughs. But if it’s all laughs, all the time, she’s probably just a friend you sleep with sometimes. Sorry, not sorry.


Are you still attracted to her?

While physical attraction shouldn’t be the most important component of a healthy relationship, it’s definitely still on the list – and driven by more than just looks. If you no longer find yourself attracted to her, you’ll need to examine why that is.


Are you sexually compatible?

Not everyone is, and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – you’re just not right for each other. Most couples are able to find a way to compromise. If you’re not, it might be time to say goodbye.


Does she bring you down?

Sometimes, your girlfriend is going to make you sad. We’re not talking about those occasional sad moments though – does seeing her face in the morning make you sad, even before she’s done anything? Are you always worried about upsetting her, even when you’ve done nothing wrong? Pay very close attention to these things.


Do you feel alone next to her?

I think it was Robin Williams who said that the only thing worse than being alone is being next to someone who makes you feel alone. Truly, it’s a painful experience – you’ll definitely recognize it when you feel it. If you have to ask if x situation counts, it counts.


Do you miss her when you spend time apart?

In a healthy relationship, the two of you will spend plenty of time apart, but you’ll look forward to the day you meet back up. If you don’t feel hopeful about reuniting, why? What does this mean for your relationship? If you find you’d rather be apart, perhaps you should.


Does she make you smile?

You’re not going to smile all the time, but you should feel good about being around each other. If she doesn’t make you happy, there’s something wrong. The same is true if you can’t seem to make her happy.


Does she know how to cheer you up?

Your soul mate is going to know how to help you feel better when you’re in a bad mood. It’s not going to have a 100% success rate, but the fact that she knows the right things to try will definitely help. Use your own judgment here.


Do you trust each other?

Trust is a huge component of a healthy relationship, and a lack of trust means there is no relationship. If you find it hard to believe your partner when she tells you what she has planned (or when she doesn’t tell you at all), there might be a problem.


Do you still make time for date night?

It might sound silly – dates are what you do while you’re dating. But the truth is, making a dedicated time to spend together is important throughout the entire relationship. Your dates can happen at home or at a fast food restaurant or even in the park – they don’t need to be fancy and expensive – but they should be just the two of you enjoying each other’s company. If you can’t be bothered to spend time focusing on your time together, maybe you shouldn’t be together.


Do you have common hobbies?

You shouldn’t have all your hobbies in common, because your relationship would be pretty boring and devoid of alone-time. But you should generally have some things you enjoy doing together that don’t involve sex, food, or drugs – trust me on this one.


Is she in your thoughts of the future?

If you find yourself picturing the two of you together in rocking chairs (and you both get this mental picture), your relationship is probably pretty solid. But if you find yourself imagining yourself single a lot, or with someone else, it might be time to let her go.


Do you support each other’s dreams and aspirations?

These dreams and goals should be things you want for yourselves, not things you want for each other – and your partner should support you whatever you decide. If you absolutely can’t get on board with your partner’s aspirations, for whatever reason, you’re not meant to be.


Do you have the same values?

Or, at a minimum, do they work well together? This doesn’t automatically mean religion, by the way. Values and beliefs can come from anywhere, and it’s not unheard of for someone to adopt their partner’s religion over time. Your core philosophies should be complementary, though.


Have you sacrificed your values or dreams?

Only you will be able to tell if it was a sacrifice or an actual change in priorities. A shift isn’t necessarily bad, but if you’re left longing after the change, chances are you didn’t actually want it.


How often do you fight?

This one’s a bit tricky to judge. Too much fighting is obviously a problem, although the exact definition will vary from person to person. But too little fighting can mean that you’re not totally in it.


Do you argue about little, pointless things?

It’s normal to have disagreements from time to time, but if you’re always fighting about things that don’t actually matter to either of you (such as the brand of sugar your partner brought home, or you’re not like so-and-so from down the street, it’s a pretty good sign that the bond you have is wearing thin.


Do your friends and family support the relationship?

This is one that most of us have written off at least once in our lives, but chances are, if your closest friends and family don’t like your girlfriend, the problem isn’t them – it’s her. Justin Bieber even has a song about this now. Sometimes family is unreasonable, but pay attention to the majority here!


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Barbara is a 26-year-old lesbian living in California with her partner (and their “fur babies” - an adorably chubby puppy named Porkchop and a ball python named Ru). In the spare time she pretends to have, she enjoys horror movies, music of all varieties, reading, and complaining about the weather.

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