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The Ultimate List Of Lesbian Clichés & Stereotypes

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So what are the go-to lesbian stereotypes these days?

As many of us know, all queer women conform to a specific set of rules and regulations on everything from dress to sexual activity to emotions.

These are instinctive rules not taught in school. They’re life rules.

So in the interest of helping our dear readers, we’ve decided to make those queer rules public.

Take them out of the closet, if you will. Give you a fall break-down of all the clichés & stereotypes you’ll need to address.


Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is The Femme)

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  1. Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Airwalks, chucks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional.
  2. Make-up: not allowed.
  3. Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
  4. Appropriate tops: flannel, more flannel, folksy prints and Polar fleece.
  5. Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
  6. “Hygiene”: Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon.
  7. Accessories may include: Nalgene bottles; carabiners; keys at your belt; fanny packs; femme lesbians who only dress girly for the attention or to get a real man.

Lifestyle Attributes

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  1. Appropriate automobiles: Saabs, pickup trucks, Subaru Outbacks, Jeep Wranglers, Xterras, Mini Coopers and Volvos.
  2. Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
  3. Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more.
  4. Food: Vegetarians preferred
  5. Colleges/alma maters: Smith; Bryn Mawr; Mount Holyoke; and Wellesley.
  6. Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
  7. Career choices: P.E. teacher; basketball player; softball player; and professional golfer.

Psychology

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  1. Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
  2. Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
  3. Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
  4. Penis Envy: Yes.
  5. Desire for motherhood: No.

Sex & Relationships

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  1. Onset of lesbianism: College — until graduation, in some cases.
  2. Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
  3. Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they’ve never gotten down with a dude.
  4. Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
  5. Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
  6. Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
  7. Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.

So is the anything more to add, ladies? Leave a comment in the box below.

 

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