Say it with me now – breaking up with someone sucks. Of course, there are some factors which make it suck less (like if you did the dumping) and things that make it suck more (like if you were blindsided by the breakup). But, generally speaking, it takes a while to get over things, even if it was completely mutual.
Many lesbians make things even harder on themselves by trying to be friends afterward. It seems like this will make it easier – by letting her stay in your life in a diminished capacity – but, realistically speaking, this isn’t usually true. Your mind (and your heart) will want something more, no matter how many times you tell yourself it’s off limits.
The good news is that you can help yourself get over it faster, even if you were completely caught off guard by the whole ordeal. What are some of the tricks that seem to work the best?
1. Out of sight, out of mind.
No matter how long you two were together, it’s helpful to get rid of any easily-visible reminders of the relationship, until you’re sure you’ve moved on. You might choose to completely torch any memories you’ve had (such as throwing away the pictures, smashing the gifts she bought you, etc.) but this isn’t actually necessary.
If you’ve got pictures of her on your wall, or set as your profile picture on social media, take them down – as soon as possible. No matter how much you want to keep her memory alive, forcing yourself to see her face every day will make it harder on you.
For those who don’t want to completely erase her, there is a simpler, non-permanent solution: Hide her away. Your photos together can go into a box. If they’re on social media, move them to their own folder, and tell yourself not to go through them. Take her off your social media accounts, too – even though you might be tempted to stay friends, seeing her posts will keep you attached in a way that’s unhealthy.
2. You can’t be “just friends” with someone you are in love with.
It might seem like staying friends will help lessen the pain – but you need to know that the part of your brain that is telling you this is a liar and a scoundrel. That part of your brain wants to keep her in your life at all costs – and trust me when I say the cost is your pain and suffering.
Particularly if you were together for a long time, it can be tough to rationalize the idea of letting her go completely – but it’s important that you actually do let her go.
This will be hard at first, especially if she wants to stay friends, too. But you owe it to yourself to be firm here – you can’t be friends until all the feelings are gone. Remember, sometimes your heart is an asshole – you shouldn’t let it win all the time.
3. Do not hold her things hostage.
If you have hopes that the relationship will sort itself out, it can be tempting to keep the stuff she left at your place. But, remember: People don’t change overnight. If you two are going to have a shot at making it work after you’ve broken up, the two of you will need to spend a fair amount of time focusing on your own problems. Having her things there while you do this will only serve as a constant reminder of what you’re missing – which will not help you to focus on yourself.
It’s also important to realize that, in most cases, our desire to get back with someone after a breakup is based on the (wrong) assumption that the breakup will magically fix whatever was wrong. Chances are, once you’ve taken the steps to make yourself a better person, you won’t even want to get back together.
Most of the time, when we break up with someone, it’s not because of timing – if the timing was actually wrong, we probably wouldn’t have gotten with them in the first place. This is of course not universal, but it’s important that you realize that things working out the second time around is the exception, not the rule.
4. Give yourself time.
If you try to rush the process of getting over someone, it’s probably going to backfire. There’s something about setting restrictions for ourselves that works against us – I think it’s reverse psychology or something. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.
But what I do know is that the tighter of a timeline you put on yourself, the more your mind is going to completely screw you over. You ever notice that the harder you try not to think of something, the more it’s on your mind? Same thing here.
Instead of trying to push yourself over her, focus on taking time to do your own thing. This is much healthier for you, and will probably yield much better results. Give yourself all the time you need, and you’ll probably need less time.
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