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I Want To Be More Than Just Friends

Dear KitschMix,

Long story short, I work with this girl. We get on and for the last few months with chatted in work and texted once in a while. But last month she asked if she could get the same shift as me and be on the same team.

I was like yea let’s do it. We ended up on the same team. Started to talk more, and at lunchtime we go out with some other people each day. We all sit together and chat and joke about work. Simple…

However, last week she was told me about her current relationship, how they never do anything together, how she feels her current relationship is turning into more a roommate situation and how she feels trapped at home after work. I felt bad for her, and the first thing I said, was “I’ll take you places and go with you.” She was hesitant at first and then was like I’ll think about it.

So a few days go by, I find I’m meeting just her for lunch. We talk about everything and then she said she was planning to go downtown on Monday. I chimed in by yourself?! And she asked if I would go with her. I was like sure.

During work she asked if I was doing anything Saturday and I was like not really, so she asked if we could go walk in the morning. I was like sure. So on Saturday, we walked and talked. Learned so much about each other. I then asked if she would like to go to get breakfast. She said she sure, so I suggested a place that was about 30 minutes away and I offer to drive. We get to the place and it was a blast. She enjoyed every minute of it. We talked, learned that she lived in the same places I have before. Same kind of experiences, same interests. It was a good time. We talk some more on the way back, and out of the blue I asked want to go for a ride on the ferry and just drive? She was like sure, and the next few hours that day was the best time I had in a long while.

On the trip back home, we were talking and she was talking about fate in how we met. She said we were like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together and she never had that happen before. Then there was that comfortable silence between us. You know the one were two people can be happy with each other and not say a thing.

I not very good about reading signs, but that left me confused. Today over lunch, I was telling her how I enjoyed my time with her and how happy it made me. How I actually wake up happy in the morning because I know I can get to see her, and she said that’s how she feels and that she been planning other outings for us.

I haven’t had a relationship in a long while, I have put up some pretty walls so I don’t get burned, but this feels like the start of a new relationship. However, I really can’t tell if she is looking for a person to hang out with or looking for something more long term. This is part where I am confused because if I say I want more than a friendship, then it can go one of three ways. She can say me too, or it will be an awkward friendship, or it will be like “umm how did it get to this and no more contact.”

Just need some thoughts and a second look.

Well, reader, it sounds to me like you have a perfect almost-girlfriend for you. Of course, I understand that the confusing part is in the not-too-distant future: That point where you have to clarify, to keep your own sanity. I’m a bit like you – I have a lot of walls, and I rarely make the first move. (I also make it a little difficult to climb over my walls, but that’s another story entirely.)

My first question to you is: How important is it to you that this develop into a full-fledged relationship? I’ve had good (great) friends who I almost lost by misunderstanding my feelings. Once you put it out into the world that you’ve got a big, fat crush on someone, you’re right – there are only a few ways it can go. (Thankfully, there is actually a fourth option – the person could reply “No, you just think you do” and the awkwardness is very mild – 8 years after my BFF and I had this chat, we still talk several times per week, despite me moving to a different state, and then moving again a few times within my new state.)

Now, I’m going to assume that it is very important to you for the rest of my advice – because, sometimes it is. It seems like you guys have a great “relationship” together – wherever it stands – which can work in your favor. But my second question – does she like women? This is pretty important, too. You should know for sure, in her own words, before trying for anything else. If you find out that she isn’t interested in women, then your obvious choice will be to go back to step one and decide how important it is, but this time your answer will mean something different.

If she’s not into women, but you’re falling for her, some space is necessary – and quickly. There’s nothing more painful than falling in love with someone who doesn’t even think of you as an option. If she’s gay, bi, or even curious, there’s a chance – but do not try to convince a self-proclaimed straight woman that you can change that.

Now, if she does like women, you already have a solid foundation of why you’re great for each other. You’ve got a ton of similar experiences, and obviously a load of shared interests. (I’m telling you, if she’s gay, I’m pretty sure she’s already falling for you, too.) The problem here is the other relationship. Is it over? If it’s still “active” – even if it’s unhappy – you should distance yourself a little until it’s not. Everyone is entitled to friends, but the second your feelings reach a point that could break someone’s heart, you have a responsibility to step back. Make it known that you’re there for her when they break up, but that you won’t be a mistress.

Some people might not feel the same way about this situation as I do, but if someone is unhappy in a relationship, it is their responsibility to leave. Cheating is never the right answer, even if you’re unhappy, and if she did agree to cheat on her significant other with you – what sort of precedent would that set for the relationship the two of you might have?

If the relationship has ended, or she’s about to leave, you should probably ask her out on a date – with the understanding that you don’t want to be the back-up when her significant other isn’t cutting it. (If you’re OK with the idea of an open relationship, this can be suggested, but it sounds like she’s not happy with her current/ex-partner, so it’s probably best if she just walks away.) With the sort of friendship the two of you had, you might have to make it a little more obvious that this is, in fact, intended to be a date. Once you have a firm footing on where the two of you stand, dates like your typical outings with her are a great way to keep everything fun and exciting – especially if neither of you are the type for fancy dinners (I’m not) or romantic movies (I’m not).

From the limited information you’ve given me here, I do see a promising future for the two of you. It seems that you get along great, and she seems interested in you. I know the next big step is hard, but with these few interim steps, you’ll be eliminating almost every possible “no” if you make it all the way to the end. I wish you two the best of luck, and please don’t hesitate to write back in and let us know how everything went!


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