Dear KitschMix,

I have always classed myself as a straight female, but I don’t think this is my sexuality. I have been with a woman before, and I really enjoyed kissing, and going down on her, but at the time I ruled this out as a drunken mess-around. However, I always think about being with a woman. I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and I, but I’m afraid he’ll be more into her than me, and I don’t know any women that would want to hook up with me.

Strange enough, lesbian porn doesn’t turn me on. I watch straight porn, but I find the female attractive most of the time. I love watching woman with big butts ride guys, and have sex. I rarely find the men attractive.

Should I just hook up with a female again? But try it sober? The thought of even being with a woman turns me on. I’ve never spoken about this with my boyfriend, so I think if I’m with a woman, I’m cheating on him.

What do you think?

Hi reader, and thank you for writing in! I think this topic is going to help a lot of people, so I’m glad you had the courage to bring it up. Truthfully, human sexuality is a complicated mess – only a very small portion of the population knows exactly who they’re attracted to and can pin it down to one specific label. I mean, think about your average “straight girl” – chances are, it’s not the same man who turns every one of them on, right? Sure, there might be a few “universals” – I think Johnny Depp is pretty unanimously attractive, as is Ruby Rose, for the majority of the population. Even still, there are bound to be differences.

Let me expand on this a little by saying that the only person who really needs to be comfortable with whatever you decide is you – and honestly, the type of porn you watch has nothing to do with anything. I have an ex-girlfriend who almost exclusively watched gay male porn. I’ve got a cousin who is super straight, but only watches lesbian porn. What we like to watch and what we like to do are not always the same thing. For another example, I like watching women’s beach volleyball, but put me near a net, and I look like a baby giraffe. At its core, porn is just for entertainment. Don’t try to look too far into what your preferences are there.

Next… Men in porn are often not attractive, and it’s quite intentional. This is because heterosexual porn is, generally, catered to the men – and what type of men do you think are watching porn? Not the Adonis types, that’s for sure. Men need to feel that they’re better – and, in porn, this is represented by reasonably-attractive guys getting it on with super-hot females. Men like the confidence boost of knowing, “If this guy can get a woman like that, I can, too.” It’s silly, but their target demographic is the man who needs a confidence boost.

For my next point, I’d like to examine the difference between attractiveness and attraction, because these are different, too. Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them, and that plays in a lot when you’re confused about your sexuality. I know back when I was questioning myself, I thought I was madly in love with one of my attractive friends. Well, all of my attractive friends. I thought, since they were good looking, and they gave me attention, that meant I wanted them. Right? Well… not exactly. Sometimes, it’s just your brain making things extra complicated for you. It’s not very nice, but it does happen.

As this plays into porn, it’s completely normal if, as a female, you’re rooting for the female to reach orgasm. This is especially true if you’re “looking for yourself” within the character, in a sense. The women you find attractive in the videos – are they doing things that you, yourself, enjoy doing in the bedroom? On the rare occasions that I watch porn, I find myself watching things that I personally enjoy, or that I’m curious about. (Honestly, I’ve got a few .gifs saved from Tumblr that I plan to picture mail to my girlfriend eventually – “Try this, please!”) My girlfriend tends to veer more towards the things that she finds “too weird” to actually do – the things she wouldn’t dream of asking me for. For her, porn fills a fantasy area that I simply can’t tap into – and that’s okay, too.

I think the biggest root of your question, though, is whether or not you should pursue another sexual experience with a female. I’m all for it – but with a few exceptions. I don’t think there is ever any reason to do it behind your significant other’s back. Dishonesty and infidelity are the same whether it’s a man or a woman on the receiving end of your affection. Not all men have a problem with bi girlfriends – in fact, bi women are oversexualized by a good portion of our society – but if you don’t talk to him about what you’re feeling, before you do something with someone else, you are cheating.

Your hesitation about threesomes makes sense, too. It’s a common insecurity among those who have only ever been monogamous, and truthfully it isn’t that much different than infidelity – except that all parties involved know the whole situation, by design. There are a number of websites where you can find someone who’s interested in threesomes, but you must be honest with them when you’re talking to them. Many women don’t want to participate in threesomes, because there is a huge risk of drama and jealousy, no matter which person you are. You need to realize that it’s just as likely that you will like the other woman more than you like your boyfriend. If you two exercise proper precautions (and prepare yourself for possible negative outcomes), you should be able to avoid any major problems.

I actually laid out an action plan for successful threesomes in this post – feel free to check it out when you have the time, it might be helpful. For best results, look it over with your boyfriend, and make sure to talk about any questions that come up during the process. Of course, there is no way to predict and prevent every problem, but honesty and open communication are the best tools to help diffuse (or forgive) a situation gone bad.

In the end, though, what matters is that you are happy with who you are. Many people choose not to assign any label to their sexuality, and this is a perfectly appropriate choice. It’s really no one’s business but your own – if you consider yourself bisexual, you are bisexual. If you consider yourself straight, you are straight (even if there are occasional exceptions). Or, you can just swing wide with the “no labels” label and let nature take its course – there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to your personal identity.