I love going out, especially to gay bars and recently I have noticed a pattern. Every single night out I go through the same 10 stages. So, for my own embarrassment and your entertainment, here they are:
1. The pre-party is the best party
I love drinking games and for some odd reason, the pre-party is always my favourite part of going out! The night is filled with possibility as I search for the best party in town, only to realise I am going to the nearest gay club strictly out of convenience. I turn on Beyoncé, pour everyone a drink, get my disco ball and I am ready to get this night started. A couple hours later, fully dressed and rather tipsy, it’s time to head to the club!
2. So. Many. Shirtless. Guys
As there are no lesbian clubs in my city, I always end up going to a bar that’s predominantly filled with gay men and, like clockwork, if I arrive past 1 a.m. I can count on seeing at least 5 shirtless men at any time.
What about queer women?! Recently, there was a lesbian party and I decided to check it out. Little did I know that instead of half-naked men, I was going to walk into a sea of snapbacks. Everywhere I looked, I could spot snapbacks! Time to showcase my talents…
3. I have two left feet and no shame
Something amazing happens when I drink. I can’t dance for my life but, after the pre-party and the magic effect gay clubs have on me; I spend the whole night dancing. I apologize in advance to anyone who has ever decided to dance with me. I am truly sorry you had to experience that.
Has it ever stopped me? Hell no! I will get down to Britney Spears, Beyoncé and J-Lo every single time. And believe me when I say, dancing on top of the speakers is a given.
4. New gay best friend
All that dancing usually means I am, unfortunately, on the spotlight. But one amazing thing always happens: I will find a new gay best friend. As the music keeps playing and the drinks flowing, I end up meeting someone who, just like me, loves to dance. The big difference is, they can dance. I can’t. True story, one of my best friends to this day is a gay man who I comforted outside a gay bar when he wasn’t feeling too well. I brought him chips and our friendship was sealed forever.
5. Shots are a girl’s best friend
After my new found friendship, there is only one logical thing to do. Shots! Bear in mind, I am quite short and my alcohol tolerance is pretty low so shots usually mean one thing and one thing only. The night will soon be over. After a couple incidents with Tequila, I have developed my own technique to down a shot without immediately regretting it: I don’t. I just sip it like a true weirdo hoping no one will ask for more shots.
6. Guys, welcome to “The Carol Show”
After my single shot, I get back to the dancefloor. If I was a horrible dancer before, I can’t even begin to explain how bad my dancing skills are now. And not just my dancing skills, but I also decide it’s the perfect time to start singing. I feel like I am on “Glee” and, once again, the top of the speakers is my favourite place to dance.
She wants it maybe two
7. “Looking very Shane”
By now, I am feeling pretty good and people are starting to notice me. The only problem is, I am the friendliest anti-social drunk person I know, meaning I usually start flirting with the only other lesbian at the gay bar only to then forget about her and go back to dancing. I am fully aware of the fact that I look like a mess at this stage but I still feel like Shane has nothing on me! This is by far the most regrettable stage and I can’t even begin to count the amount of times my flatmate has lectured me about not forgetting to flirt at a club. I always end up forgetting and later regretting it.
8. Wait, I need a second
At this point, my new gay best friend is nowhere to be seen, my possible crush is gone and I am out of money. Time to step out of the club and have a cigarette, which always ends up being a horrible decision as they just make me feel sick.
When I go out, I usually go with my flatmate so this is the perfect opportunity to regroup and discuss the vibe inside the club. Amazing debates have unfolded during this little break and, oddly enough, the final decision is always to go back home.
9. Sober the fudge up
Living in the Czech Republic has its perks and the biggest one by far is food joints. You can find that most kebab places are still open. Not in the mood for a kebab? You can find pizza, hot dogs, nachos and even Chinese food at 5 a.m. It’s truly magical and I am a firm believer that you haven’t lived if you haven’t gotten food poisoning after a night out. Also, at this point, everyone gets emotional and, in-between mouthfuls of pizza, I decide to share long and heartfelt love declarations.
10. Bed, Bath and Beyond
Finally home! Why is my room spinning and my ears ringing?! I don’t know but frankly I could sleep anywhere right now. A ton of water and one last bite of pizza later, I am tucked in and ready to slumber.
An Aspirin and quick bath in the morning feel like heaven after a night of heavy drinking and dancing. But best of all? I still have pizza leftovers.