Many people feel that fighting with their partner is always a bad thing. Really, it’s not – there are certain things that you’re “supposed to” fight about. These things are different from couple to couple, of course, but realistically, as long as you’re choosing to fight only about the things that matter, you’re not off to such a bad start.

That’s not to say that every fight “matters”, in the general sense of the word – no matter how much it feels like it matters at the time. Realistically, there are also things that matter so much that fighting over them pretty much spells doom for the relationship as a whole.

Are you fighting with her over these 10 “off-limits” things? Can you think of anything else that shouldn’t turn into a fight?

1. Sex.

Fighting about sex is one of those things that’s actually solved as soon as it starts. If one of you wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, the answer is no. If one of you wants something in the bedroom that the other isn’t comfortable with, the answer is no. In a healthy relationship, the requesting partner will understand if they’re not able to get what they want – but if it’s something that inspires a fight, it might be time to kiss the relationship goodbye.

2. Money.

This is one of the most common things to fight about, and surely there are some situations when it seems rather warranted. (If one of you is paying all the bills, for example, it might be tempting to argue over it.) But this is rarely a good way to fix the problem. Instead, you should be focusing on the solutions. Instead of starting a fight, you should be telling your partner how the situation makes you feel. If she’s not willing to try and work it out, it may be time to go your separate ways.

3. Family.

It might be hard to remember sometimes, but in most cases, your family should come before your girlfriend. (The obvious exception, of course, being family members who are abusive toward you.) Your partner is under no obligation to like your family, but if she can’t at least be civil about them (and toward them), they’re probably not the problem. This can be tough if your family doesn’t really treat her with respect, either. You’ll need to figure out who’s unreasonable – and who means more to you.

4. Monogamy.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamy. That doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong – it just means that you don’t belong together. Polyamory is gaining in acceptance the last few years, but you shouldn’t ever force someone into the idea. If you can’t agree on whether you’ll be monogamous or not, you shouldn’t be together – there’s no reason to fight about it.

5. Religion.

Religious beliefs are, in many ways, a very personal matter. Most religions can get along fine – but if you find that one of you is continually pressuring the other to convert, or undermining the other’s core beliefs, not only are you being incredibly disrespectful, but you probably don’t belong together.

6. Weight.

Sometimes, in a happy relationship, one or both of you may put on (or lose) a significant amount of weight. While this doesn’t exactly count as something out of the person’s control, in most cases, it should never be a point of contention between the two of you. There are ways the two of you can work on getting healthy together. (And, for the love of all things sacred, never put your partner down for changes in her appearance. It’s rude, and fixes absolutely nothing.)

7. Shallow, trivial things.

If the two of you are always fighting over things that you know shouldn’t matter, you’ll need to ask yourself why. There are bound to be occasions when you get on each other’s nerves and bicker. But they shouldn’t span days at a time. If you notice that you’re fighting over stupid things more than you’re saying nice things to each other, it’s time to evaluate whether you really want to be in the relationship, or if you’re just staying because it’s easier than walking away.

8. Things you can’t change.

There’s no reason to fight over something that can’t be changed. If you can’t accept something that is an integral part of who your partner is – such as her heritage, her past, or her socioeconomic status – chances are, the problem isn’t actually her – it’s you. Understandably, there are going to be things you can’t get over sometimes, but that really just means that the two of you don’t belong together. There’s no reason to make her feel bad for something that can’t be changed.

9. Things that aren’t the other’s fault.

Fighting in a relationship is normal, but you shouldn’t ever fight about something that has nothing to do with the other person. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done, but it’s important to realize that your girlfriend is not to blame if you lose your job, or if her parents don’t accept your relationship, or anything else that has nothing to do with her – so avoid placing the blame on her. (And, if you do happen to place the blame on her, make sure you apologize and try harder not to argue with her about it in the future.)

10. Whether or not to break up.

It might seem like this is something you should fight for – but, realistically, if one of you has already made up your mind, spending extra time on the relationship probably won’t fix it. There’s a big difference between fighting to keep someone, and fighting to trap someone – make sure you’re on the right side of things. If she wants to walk away, she’s probably thought it through already, and it’s probably too late.

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