There’s been a long-running joke between me and all my exes: I don’t do the “wifey” thing. I clean up after myself, and I’m a pretty good cook, but that’s just not my style – I don’t want to feel like I have to do it. And, for a long time, I thought that was why I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to be “someone’s wife” – I have to be my own person. I figured, eventually I’d meet a woman who was more of the domestic type, and everything would sort itself.
Well… so far, no such luck. But I have learned a few things along the way.
1. The microwave is your friend.
Also see toaster oven and boxed meals.
2. Disposable dishes are a guilty pleasure.
If you get biodegradable ones, that’s better for the environment than washing the dishes with harsh chemicals… Right?
3. Crock pots and slow cookers are your BFFs.
Listen, if a microwave is good, a slow cooker is great. Preparing dinner before I start my work day just works better for me.
4. Laundry is your favorite chore.
The best chore is one you can ignore for an hour at a time. (Personally, I’m fond of sorting socks, too.)
5. You really only have to do the floors if they look or feel dirty.
If no one knows the floor is dirty, is it really dirty?
6. If your partner cooks, you’re supposed to clean up after.
I think that’s a rule when neither partner is the domestic type. Share the burden!
7. If your partner cleans, you should probably cook.
Unless you have extra money, and then an impromptu date night is an acceptable alternative.
8. You end up spending most of your extra money eating out.
Chances are, you know which restaurants in your town have good service, good value, and good food, because you eat there three nights a week.
9. You have to remind yourself to do the major cleaning.
I’m pretty good at keeping my immediate area tidy and keeping my bed made, but the dishes and laundry are definitely things I schedule.
10. Bargaining is part of your everyday routine.
Sure, honey, I’ll make you some boxed dinner, but only if you wash the pots for me first.
11. Your cleaning routine is somewhat based on who’s going to be coming over.
Best friend from childhood? She knows you’re a mess – no need to do a thorough cleaning just to impress her.
12. You have to make a game out of it.
Literally was just discussing “hamper hoops” with my partner, because doing the laundry would suck a lot less if I didn’t have to gather it all up, too.
13. Cleaning requires a full day – and at least three days’ notice.
It’s not that we’re slovenly people, but actually focusing on cleaning the house will definitely require time to prepare ourselves, and extra time for distractions.
14. You’ve got a ton of gadgets you’ll never use.
My mother has about six different blenders – which I’ll never understand. I’ve got a microwave-and-grill, a breadmaker, and a rice cooker – all of which are still in the boxes. We’re more appliance collectors than homemakers.
15. Did I mention that dishes are a horrible chore that nobody likes?
I actually bribe my girlfriend so she’ll do the dishes, and I don’t have to.
16. You’d rather work two jobs than be a housewife.
I made the joke with all of my serious exes: I would rather work two, even three jobs, than to stay home and do all the chores. I guess the joke’s on me since I now work several at-home jobs.
17. Anything is a good excuse to go out to eat.
Maybe this is especially true in the lesbian community since we just love to eat out. (Pun definitely intended.) But it doesn’t matter whether you have a headache or an extra $10 – going out to eat is always preferred.
18. You grow tired of your homemaker friends saying how tired they are all the time.
Like raising a family and keeping the house spotless are the only things that can make you tired – a day of hard work can do that, too. (No slight intended to my homemaker friends – I know you work hard, too. It’s just not for me!)