There are a million and one opinions on when the “right time” to have sex with a new partner is. Basically, people care way too much about things that have nothing to do with them, right? Well, while the right time for everyone is different, there are a few reasons waiting might not be such a bad idea.
1. We’ve become desensitized.
The majority of the mainstream media is filled with songs making it seem like sex is no big deal. What’s more is that, for many people, it really isn’t. Sex used to be something reserved for the most special person in your life – and nowadays many people will jump into bed with whoever offers.
Okay, that’s an unfair generalization, but most of the stigmas around sex are starting to fall away. Trust me, that’s not a bad thing – but we are so desensitized to our own sexualization that many people are left completely unimpressed by any sexual activity.
Name a kink, and I’ll bet you can think of someone who practices it without batting an eye. Once upon a time, you had to search deep to find people’s sexual interests – but these days, people actually share porn to the Facebook profiles their grandmother follows. It’s crazy how far we’ve come.
Again, this is a severe generalization, but the moral of the story is the same: People are less sensitive about sex. Ironically, sex is supposed to be one of the most sensitive things you can do. Taking a step back can help you appreciate the little things more.
2. We don’t leave ourselves mysteries anymore.
“She loved mysteries so much she became one.” Ah, John Green, how you took the words straight out of my mouth. But isn’t it such a beautiful thought that we could be mysterious to the person we’re dating – a special enigma for them to sort out?
When we give ourselves to our partner sexually, we are often taking away their ability to imagine us – to picture what lies beneath the surface. You shouldn’t be so mysterious that you become an outcast (if you can avoid it), but keeping something a secret for just a while longer is nice.
When you leave things up to the imagination, it will draw interest – providing you’re not doing it dishonestly. Mysteries are cool, lies are not.
3. We still have time.
What’s the rush to have sex, anyway? You’ve got your whole life for that – or at least your whole relationship. Lesbians aren’t as prone to sexual disabilities as heterosexual couples (think erectile dysfunction for example) so there’s no rush to be ready. Take your time and smell the roses!
4. It’s hard to learn about each other when we’re naked.
While it’s true that sex is one of the many keys of intimacy in a relationship, it makes other forms of intimacy a little more difficult. Have you ever tried to focus on someone’s personality when you have a vagina in your face? It doesn’t usually work out so well.
That’s not to say that you can’t get to know each other after having sex, too, but doing things this way gives the chance of regretting the encounter – as well as the possibility that the relationship will only ever be sexual. If you don’t mind taking that risk, feel free to ignore my advice.
5. There’s nothing wrong with not being ready.
Not too long ago, most people waited until they were married to have sex with their partner. Okay, so we’ve made a lot of strides for equality since then – but now those who haven’t had sex are seen as an oddity. Some people even claim you can’t know your sexuality unless you’ve tried all your options.
I’m a strong advocate for the “don’t knock it ‘till you try it” approach to romance and sex, but that doesn’t mean that virgins are doing it wrong, or that they can’t know what they want. There are no rules when it comes to sex (as long as it’s between consenting adults), so pressuring someone to have sex before they’re ready is pretty pointless.
Try to think of something actually wrong in the world, and the 24-year-old who’s never taken her panties off for someone doesn’t seem so bad. People are ready at different times and there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.
6. Sexual manipulation is still manipulation.
Many people may feel pressured to have sex before they’re ready because “it’s what you do”. But no one has rights over your body but you, and letting someone dictate what you do with it is allowing yourself to be controlled. If you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel pressured to get there.
7. Delaying gratification improves appreciation.
That’s basically my obnoxious way of saying “nothing worth having comes without patience”. You do have to work for the things you want, but sometimes the hardest work is investing in your future. Our society is so hung up on the idea of instant gratification that we often settle for a lesser experience because it means we can have it right away.
Hey, I get it – sometimes you just don’t want to wait. But if you knew you’d be sacrificing your satisfaction if you were impatient – would you still want it right now?
8. A polite “not yet” shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
If the person you’re seeing doesn’t respect you enough to wait until you’re ready, she’s not going to respect you after you give it up, either. You can compromise to find a time that meets both of your needs – but your partner shouldn’t demand to get their way.
9. Romance is still a thing.
If we’re looking for sex right away, chances are we’re throwing the idea of romance out the window. Not that there’s anything wrong with sex, or even sex without love – but sometimes, you want to know that it’s more than that.
A partner who pushes for sex too early in the relationship is showing that they don’t want to work for it, and the partner that gives into this push is showing that she doesn’t feel worthy of being loved. I’m definitely not saying that you can’t love someone you’ve had casual sex with, but the chances of it working out aren’t as good.
With less than 15% of relationships classified as an “overall success” (when quantified by things like marriage, happiness, and longevity), why would you want to jeopardize those numbers any further?
10. Closer bond = more comfortable = better sex.
It’s basic sexual compatibility. When you have an emotional connection with someone, sex with them is going to be even better. Skill and technique still play into it, for sure, but since one of the primary chemicals in the brain during sex is the same as what’s present during a cuddle session, your body can (easily) be trained to be more responsive to your partner.
Beyond that, a closer bond with your partner will make it easier for you to communicate your desires with her – which can result in better sex, too. A partner that cares about your overall happiness, and not just whether you get off or not, is more likely to work towards the bigger picture. This, my friends, is one endless cycle that just keeps getting better.
11. Think quality, not quantity.
The more times you experience something, the less special it is. This extends to every “first” in particular – in this case, your first time having sex with a new partner. If you’ve had “first time sex” 20 times, it’s only 1/20 as special as if you’d only had it once.
I’m not saying that we should only have one sexual partner in our lives. Honestly, I think I’m getting pretty close to that 20-mark myself. But if I had the chance to do it all over again, there are definitely a few I wouldn’t do the second time around. They just weren’t worth the effort I put forth to make it happen.
Far be it for me to get in the way of your desires, but when you look back on your past experiences, don’t you want to say that all of your experiences had happy endings?
12. You don’t have to wait forever.
There’s a difference between waiting a minute and saving yourself – and that line should be yours to define.
13. Awkward sex is… Well, awkward.
The more comfortable you are with a person, the less the likelihood that the sex is going to be weird. There’s always the chance that your girlfriend is going to be into something you’re not, but exploring those things as a solid couple is definitely going to be less awkward than exploring them as acquaintances.
While awkwardness isn’t necessarily a bad thing, the confidence that comes from a solid partnership can help prevent it from biting you in the face.
14. We forget about kissing.
When you rush into sex, there’s a potential to forget about kissing. And you should never forget about kissing – it’s awesome. When you skip straight to sex, you skip past the fun of making out like teenagers. After all, don’t we all wish we were 18 again?
(No? Just me?)
15. Sex isn’t everything.
Focusing on sex makes it difficult to see the value in anything else – and can lead to a sex addiction in certain cases. It might not be as dangerous of an addiction as, say, opiates and alcohol – but as a general rule, everything is better in moderation.
If you focus on sex, it can cause the whole relationship to focus on sex – and that can eventually be damaging to your psychological well-being. Do you want to send the message that your partner is only good for one thing in your eyes? Chances are, you don’t – so don’t do it!
16. Love is best without expectations.
Most people don’t like the idea of their partner “demanding” things from them, but they might consider “expecting” to be a grey area. When you allow your partner to define your roles for you, you’re implying you’d rather be a part of something than be your own person. Life (and love) are better when you don’t try to squeeze into a mold.
If everyone did what was expected of them, some of us wouldn’t be here today – because our parents might not have met in the first place. Isn’t that an intriguing though!
17. Relationships take time to grow.
Just like children, flowers, and even bread dough, there is a period of time when a relationship should focus on growing – rather than becoming something else. There’s not always a concrete timeline, but rushing things along will obviously mess things up.
Children who aren’t allowed to be kids grow into cynical adults. Plants that are overexposed to the sunlight produce awful-tasting fruit. Dough that isn’t allowed to rise will just be all wrong. What makes you think relationships are exempt from this phenomenon?
18. Sex can cloud our judgment.
If it wasn’t true, we wouldn’t have phrases like “the walk of shame” or “coyote ugly”. Maybe they’re a bit harsh, but it’s true – sometimes our hormones can make the wrong person look oh so right. You shouldn’t go shopping when you’re hungry, you shouldn’t go to the bar when you’re angry, and you shouldn’t have sex when you’re not sure – it can lead to poor choices if you do.
19. Our brain wants us to think sex = love.
Of course, we’re all smart enough to know that sex and love are not mutually exclusive concepts. But our brain doesn’t know that, and it doesn’t want us to know that, either.
There’s a slew of chemicals that your brain produces when you reach climax that are also produced when you feel love and joy. Cuddling, happy memories, sex, childbirth – all make our brain produce a combination of hormones and natural highs that tell us we’re in heaven. But the funny thing is that the same process goes on for a number of crazy reasons – for some women, even shopping can cause this type of pleasure.
Does this mean we fall in love every time we feel that “tingle”?
Not exactly, but the chemical reaction is basically the same. It’s even been likened to an addiction to hard drugs – and these things can be equally addicting.
20. But sex isn’t love.
And love isn’t always sex, either. There are no guarantees when it comes to these things, and just because you give your body to someone doesn’t always mean they get to keep it, any more than loving someone means they own you. There are going to be grey areas. There are even going to be some WTF moments.
Being able to distinguish between love, lust, and everything else is a part of becoming a better partner – whether you’re currently with someone or not. The more experience you have making those distinctions, the easier it becomes to tell them apart – and that’s a happy feeling.
21. Because you can!
Hey, the whole moral of all of this is that sex is your decision, but really it’s a bit deeper than that. In all honesty, you’re only responsible for one person’s happiness.
You can’t please everyone – and you can’t serve others from an empty cup. You have to love yourself, know yourself, and be your own lover before you can expect to offer those things to another person. You can’t ever really make someone happy – you can only influence them to be happy when you’re around, and act in ways that make them happy to think of you.
By the same token, that means that some blog post on the internet shouldn’t tell you that you can’t have sex. That’s not what I’m hoping to do here. My goal is simply to inform you that you have options. Your past doesn’t determine your future, and you can change your image whenever it suits you.
Tired of waiting for sex and want to get lucky? Go forth and get your luckiest. Tired of keeping things casual and ready for a deep relationship? Step out of the scene and let love find you. Your happiness should be your number one priority.
Take care, and be good to each other!