Most of us went to sex ed in high school, right? I was lucky enough to grow up in one of the most liberal states in the US, so I remember getting sex ed classes in fifth grade. We never really went too far into detail, and we never touched on the possibility of same-sex-tendencies – despite several of the other girls in my year being just as curious as I was at the time. (They turned out to be straight, though.)
No one ever really talks about lesbian sex, either – at least, not from the perspective of learning. It’s pretty much just accepted that lesbian sex is the “safest option”. After all, we can’t get anyone pregnant, and we’re at a lower risk for STDs… Right?
Totally wrong. Here are 30 things I learned as an adult that I really wish I would have learned when I was still a teenager.
1. Lube is a good thing.
For some reason, when I was a sexually-curious teenager, I had this idea that “personal lubricant” was for little old ladies. Then, a girlfriend got me some for my 19th birthday, and it was a game-changer. Most women (and men) use lube sometimes to give the sex a slipperier feeling. There’s not even anything wrong with needing it all the time. Our bodies are all different, and sometimes sex is uncomfortable when things are a little too dry. Don’t be afraid to bring in some outside help.
2. Not everyone is honest about their intentions.
This is something that most of us learn the hard way. No matter how honest or caring of a person you may be, there’s going to be some asshole who comes along one day and completely destroys your life just because they wanted to have sex. This person is 100% an asshole and it’s not your fault. Keep doing you, and be honest with the people you have sex with. They don’t necessarily need to know your whole life story, but they should at least understand their place in it.
3. It’s not always going to be very good.
In fact, the first few times are probably going to be terrible. And your first few times with a new partner are going to be terrible. And it’s probably going to be terrible on those days when you can’t even bother to brush your hair. Basically, your sex life isn’t going to be perfect, no matter how much you want it to be.
4. Baby oil is NOT a good substitute for lube.
Any oily substances are probably not the greatest idea for lube, because they have a tendency to heat up with friction – yikes! They can also degrade silicone and latex products (such as toys and condoms) and they’re super, super hard to wash out of practically everything. Play it safe, and go with some real lube. It’s really not that expensive.
5. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating.
Masturbating gets a bad rap from a lot of people, but it’s really the most efficient way to get an idea of what your body responds to. Besides that, it just plain feels good – so give yourself some special attention every now and then. If you want to bring a little spice into the bedroom, consider masturbating in front of each other without being allowed to touch – you’d be amazed at how sexy that can be.
6. Neither porn or chick flicks are good representations of the sexual experience.
Even most lesbian movies have bad representations of what “good sex” looks like. They’re generally done with either artistic or erotic license – which means the director is going to choose the moves that look the best on camera, not the ones that have the highest success rate. That doesn’t mean you can’t pick up some new ideas, but remember – the people on screen are actors and actresses, and there’s a very high chance they’re faking it.
7. Everyone has their own kinks. Make them work for you.
At some primal level, everyone is into their own freaky sh*t. Unfortunately, all too many of us think we need to hide the things that turn us on for no apparent reason. Contrary to what a grossed-out ex might have told you, there is nothing wrong with your fetish, as long as you’re acting on it with other consenting adults only.
8. It’s worth learning about anatomy.
Even if you’re pretty sure you know where everything is, you probably still want to check out some diagrams, if you have any hopes of giving a partner good sex – or, for directing a partner to give you better sex. Sure, you have a basic idea of where everything is, but unless you’ve got a really patient girlfriend who’s willing to let you push, pull, and poke at everything down there while you figure out what you’re doing… You’re gonna want to crack open a book.
9. Embarrassing noises and smells are (usually) normal. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
No matter what you eat or how often you wash, your vaginal area is pretty much always going to taste the way it does. When it’s clean, it’ll be a little softer scented, and when you’ve been working out, it’ll be a little more concentrated – but the smell itself doesn’t really change that much. (In fact, if you do notice a significant change, it’s a sign you should go get checked out – it could be a sign of infection.) Likewise, vacuums (such as the ones created when someone is vigorously thrusting into a deep, moist hole) tend to make some noise.
10. It’s highly improbable that someone is going to get you off the first time.
This goes for your first time having sex ever, as well as your first time with a new partner. It takes time to get to know a person, and it takes time to get to know their body, too. While it’s totally awesome if you can find a partner who takes you to the clouds every time, you shouldn’t count on it.
11. It doesn’t really matter if it’s your first time or your thousandth – the same rules still apply.
You’re never under any obligation to have sex with someone, even when you’ve had sex with them before, or if you’ve had sex with a bunch of other people. Your body is still your body. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
12. Always, always visit the bathroom afterwards – even if you don’t think you need to.
Most of us are aware that you should pee after penetrative sex. But given the fact that the human mouth is one of the most bacteria-filled parts of the human anatomy, you really should be peeing and cleaning up after any sexual activity. It might seem like a pain, but trust me – a walk to the bathroom with the jelly legs is nothing compared to a UTI.
13. She should wash her hands before she touches you, TBH.
While we’re talking about places that are full of bacteria, the hands are also pretty gross. Think of how many things your partner might have touched between the last time she washed her hands and the time she touched you. If there’s anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable putting in your mouth, don’t let her put it in your vagina. No exceptions!
14. (As well as anything else that’s going to come into contact with your intimate bits.)
All toys should be washed before (and preferably after, too). Your sheets should be relatively clean, too, and the towel you use to wipe up probably shouldn’t have come from the bathroom floor. Remember: UTIs are bad.
15. Self-consciousness during sex really doesn’t make any sense.
After all, the reason you’re having sex with this person is because she’s totally into you and wants to have sex with you… Right? Why be shy in front of her? She’s there for a specific reason. Use that to boost your self-confidence and move forward.
16. You really don’t have to finish every time.
A lot of people judge their sexual satisfaction by whether or not they reached orgasm – but truthfully, you really don’t have to finish every time. You can enjoy yourself and still not climax. Likewise, you can climax and not actually enjoy yourself. The two don’t really have as much to do with each other as you might think.
17. Drunk sex is the literal worst.
I know how tempting it can be once you’ve had a few shots and your lady bits are feeling a bit tingly, but believe it or not, that feeling is your nerve endings shutting down for the night. That hyper-sensitivity you feel now is going to make you significantly less responsive, which will make you frustrated after you’ve spent an hour and a half trying to get into it. Plus, if your partner is drunk, too, she’s most likely not even going to be able to manage your bits properly. This combination makes for the worst sex ever.
18. Protection is no joke.
I’m not sure how the myth started that lesbians were immune to STDs, but it’s totally not true and really needs to end. Your own safety should be a primary concern for you, and you should take the initiative to be prepared. Get tested regularly, and insist that your partners do the same. Buy (and bring) your own protection, instead of relying on your girlfriend to handle it. And for crying out loud, if you do have something, tell your partner. She has the right to know all the information before she agrees to have sex with you.
19. You deserve respect from each and every sexual partner – including yourself.
All too often we allow ourselves to be manipulated by our sexual partners, or to completely disregard our own autonomy in favor of the collective unit. This is not the right way to handle things – your partner does not own you just because she turned you on, and you have the right to withhold sex until/unless she respects you. Just remember that you also have to respect yourself, or she’ll see right through you. You deserve the best!
20. For the love of all that is holy, tell her what you want.
No matter how much of a self-proclaimed sex goddess she insists she is, it’s literally impossible for her to know what you want. She might guess – and she might guess right a lot of the time! – but counting on her to read your mind is going to result in super disappointing sex. It’s not fair to keep your expectations to yourself, so be real with your girlfriend and let her know how to love you right.
21. You never “have to” do anything.
It’s totally normal to have your preferences, and to have certain expectations in your romantic relationships. But just because someone has preferences and expectations does not mean that their partner is required to follow through with them. If you’re not in the mood, say you’re not in the mood. If you’re not comfortable doing a particular sexual act, say you’re not comfortable with it. Don’t let your partner guilt you into doing something you really don’t want to do.
22. Faking it doesn’t really help anything.
I mean, there’s a school of thought that says that faking an orgasm can help you have a real orgasm – but I’m not really sure if I believe that. (That’s to say, I’ve never tried it out to see – feel free to leave your opinion in the comments below.) Faking it for the sake of saving your partner’s feelings, though, simply sets them up to be humiliated when they find out later that they suck in the sack. Suck it up and tell her the truth – most likely, she’ll take your tips and improve her game.
23. It’s really not a race.
Most of the people I’ve talked to over the course of my sexually-active life have agreed on one simple fact: They think they lost their virginity “too early”. We see on TV and in movies that “all the kids are doing it”, so we think that we have to do it. But the reality is that many people wait until they’re legal adults before they engage in sex for the first time, and most of the ones who didn’t, really wish they had.
24. Keep an open mind to new things, even if they don’t seem like things you’ll like.
It might seem contradictory compared to #21 – but you ought to keep an open mind when having sex with someone you trust and care about. You never really know if you’re going to like something until you try it. And, just because you didn’t like it with one partner doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t like it with another partner – so feel free to revisit things you’ve shot down before.
25. Period sex is not really as gross as it sounds.
I remember growing up and hearing about “getting your red wings” like it was this big gross thing that only the most perverted among us participated in. Then, as an adult, I had a girlfriend who convinced me to let her try it while I was having the worst PMS of my life – and it actually helped, a lot. Besides, if you’re using a tampon or menstrual cup, it’s really not all that different. Just make sure you wash up good afterwards (and definitely change any feminine hygiene products that were already in place).
26. Enthusiasm is almost as important as consent. Seriously.
When you’re having sex with someone, you shouldn’t settle for apathy. Every sexual experience should come with a whopping dose of excitement and desire – if it doesn’t, then this person is probably only having sex with you because they’re bored. That might be OK every now and then, but it’s not going to be very good if she’s not into it. Opt for enthusiastic yesses or wait for another day.
27. You’re allowed to be picky. You’re also allowed to not be picky.
Women sort of get the short end of the stick when it comes to our sexuality. We get shamed if we’re too picky, and we get shamed if we’re not picky enough. How about we all just agree to leave each other’s sex lives alone? The only person who should really care about your preferences in the bedroom are the person who’s in your bedroom.
28. You can like or love someone and still not want to have sex with them.
Just because someone makes you totally happy, totally head-over-heels, or even is super nice to you, that has no bearing on any so-called “obligations” you may have. You are never obligated to have (or want) sex with anyone, and it’s even entirely possible to be sexually attracted to a different gender than you’re romantically attracted to. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you – it just means that you fall into one of the plentiful middle-areas on the spectrum of sexuality.
29. There’s no such thing as a “normal sex drive”. It’s a spectrum.
Just like there’s a spectrum of gender(s) you might be attracted to, there’s also a spectrum of how much sex you’re gonna want. Sometimes, you’ll want it every single day – maybe even all day long. There are also going to be sometimes when you’d rather poke your own eyes out with a rusty nail than to have sex with the person you’ve happily been having sex with for a long time. You can’t always explain it – although work, body image, and medications may all factor in – but you should feel confident knowing that it’s completely normal.
30. FOCUS!
When you’re on the receiving end of things, it’s all too easy to let our minds wander off in all sorts of directions. We start thinking about everything we need to do the next day, or the things that stressed us out at work, or the term paper we screwed up freshman year… Forget all that! When you’re having sex, you really need to be all in it. No distractions, no games, nothing but you and your partner. It’s hard, but trust me – that focus will pay off.
