For most women, the art of foreplay is essential to a good sexual experience. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first time or the hundredth, we like a little extra attention to get us in the mood. But not every woman is like that – which can result in some confusion in a lesbian relationship. One of you might expect the other to be turned on suddenly, because you are usually turned on suddenly – or your partner might assume that you know she needs some extra attention.

In most cases, it’s a simple matter of miscommunication – but just talking won’t always fix the problems. After all, some women have a hard time vocalizing what they want – or maybe even knowing what they want. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, as long as she’s trying.

But what if you want to surprise her with something new?

Talk dirty.

One of the sexiest things you can hear when you’re having sex with your partner is the sound of her voice. Sure, moaning and heavy breathing are all fine and dandy, but most women have a very imaginative libido. The more you tell her about what you want from her, what turns you on about her, et cetera… The more she’s going to want it, too.

It might feel awkward to say the things you want out loud, but all it takes is a bit of practice. Your partner may even have requests for things you can say – sometimes this can help. (My partner enjoys when I call out her name and ask her if it’s all hers. These definitely felt weird the first few times I said them, but once you see the response she’s going to have when you say those things, you’ll be hooked.)

Take time to take it in.

If she’s put any type of special attention into her appearance (a lacy ensemble, a little makeup with her pajamas, perhaps a pair of heels and knee-high stockings…), this is usually a sign that she’s trying to start something. Chances are, she did that for you – so don’t squander the opportunity to respond accordingly!

Of course, not all women are into the traditional feminine sex appeal – and that’s okay too. You should be able to take in your partner’s sex appeal regardless of how it presents itself, and you should have the confidence to tell her how sexy she looks when she’s all yours. (Trust me – studs like compliments, too.)

Undress her – slowly. (Or not!)

If you’re leaving your partner to get naked by herself, you’re doing it wrong. Sure, now and then it can be great if she just approaches you already naked – but most of the time, she’s going to want to be unwrapped. Whether you tear her clothes of or gingerly kiss every inch of exposed skin is pretty much up to the two of you – but don’t make her do all the work.

That being said, there can be a great deal of excitement in not undressing first. If you are wearing clothing that accommodates it, touching and rubbing around or through the clothing can add an extra level to your foreplay. This is especially true in situations where you’re looking to save time or be inconspicuous – but it may take some practice to get it just right.

Don’t try to just dive in.

Too often, we are guilty of trying to get ahead of ourselves in the bedroom. If we’re too excited, we act hastily, and we expect it to be good for our partners. Well, it can be! But only if they’re prepared for it. Skipping foreplay is never a really good idea. Most women need time to get warmed up, although some may only need a bit of dirty talking to get the ball rolling.

Some women might start with the intention of thoroughly warming things up, but then they try to press forward before their partner is ready. Don’t do this either. While it might be a little better than trying to dive straight in, trust me – the longer you make her wait for it, the better it’s going to be (and the more eager she’s going to be to return the favor when you’re done).

Give the ladies some proper attention, too.

Not too long ago, we mentioned that 2016 was going to be the year of breast play. Well, if you were waiting for a sign, here it is! Many women feel that their partner doesn’t properly handle their breasts during foreplay. It’s not about giving them the quick once-over before moving on to the next spot. Rather, you should give them their own attention – perhaps even while you’re doing other things for her.

In fact, directly stimulating the breasts while indirectly stimulating her pubic area (such as rubbing your leg against her while you suck on her nipples) might end up working greatly in your favor – for most women, it won’t lead to an orgasm by itself, but it can increase the chances that she’ll beg to take the next step.

Get your lips in on the action.

When we think of an oral fixation, we usually think of the tongue. French kissing, vagina licking, you name it – we assume that the tongue has to be involved. But what if I told you it didn’t? Don’t get me wrong – the tongue definitely has its place. But you shouldn’t rely exclusively on it when there is so much to be said for the lips. (Just make sure they’re properly moisturized, please.)

Truthfully, one of the sexiest ways to get a woman begging for oral sex is to gently brush your lips across her most sensitive areas – denying her any direct pressure or stimulation. Since many women rely on their imagination to help their arousal along, it’s in your best interest to make her think she’s not going to get it – just so she’s all the wetter when you finally give it to her.

Nibble – but don’t bite. (Unless she tells you to!)

Grazing your teeth across someone’s neck can be a very sensual experience. I think it pretty much sums up the romanticized image of the vampire, too – the idea that you could be bitten ignites something inside you and it turns you on. It’s not true for everyone, but there are enough sexy vampires for me to say it’s pretty common.

It’s not only the neck, though – nibbling can feel good on the nipples, the thighs, and the clit, too. Talk to your partner to find out what she likes, and try some things out on your own. If you already know she enjoys rougher biting, you can try that too – but many women would prefer to keep it gentle. Rough sexual play should always be a mutual decision.

Don’t be lazy.

In most areas of our lives, multi-tasking doesn’t work. We think we’re being more productive by doing multiple things at a time, but really we’re just screwing multiple things up at once. Thankfully, your sex life can be an exception to this, if you can learn how to use your hands and your mouth separately. (OK, it takes a bit of practice, but I promise – you’ll enjoy it.)

Of course, you should introduce the separate “tasks” one at a time when you’re trying the multi-tasking approach – don’t just go all in from the start. Consider starting with some kissing, then bringing in a little nipple play before continuing down to her pubic area. Don’t stop teasing those nipples, though! Foreplay should be a full-body experience, so don’t be afraid to get more involved.