Are you looking to bring a little spice into a relationship that’s started to lose its sparkle? Even the best sex can start to get a bit mundane after a while, and for sex that isn’t amazing, it can take even less to fall into a rut. That doesn’t mean you have to settle for mediocre sex, though – in fact, it just means you need to be a little more creative.
But what if you have the creative ideas, but you’re not really sure how to implement them? We’ve got 8 tips that help teach you how to have a better, more exciting sex life – and none of them require any tools, toys, or costumes. (Although, of course, you’re always welcome to include these things in your sex life – they may offer just the right amount of excitement.)
Curious how to start? Read on to learn the easiest ways to make the creativity come just a little bit easier.
1. Talk it out.
Couples who do more intimate sharing have a closer bond, which naturally makes for better sex. I’m not just talking about dirty talk, either – as helpful as that can be – but truly deep and intimate chats about the things that are weighing on your mind. Aside from just giving each of you an agenda for things to fix in your relationship, the act of venting to your partner can lower your stress levels and make it easier to get in the mood.
Over time, bringing the talk into your relationship just a little more than what you’re already doing will start to develop a sort of habit. Once your non-sexual issues are easier to work out together, it’ll naturally progress to an eagerness to share your innermost desires – leading you to the better, more inventive sex you’ve always dreamed of.
2. Seek out inspiration.
Landing on this article is a good start – but there is a wealth of other knowledge on the internet that is specifically designed to bring your sex life to a boil (or at least to a strong bubble). While porn can be another good option, take care that you’re watching porn that actually caters to a lesbian audience, since lesbian-porn-for-straight-men tends to focus more on what looks sexy as opposed to what feels sexy. (Although, if you’re in a pinch, a good lesbian porn can still give you a jumping point to lead into the crazy sex you want.)
When in doubt, there’s no such thing as too much bedroom inspiration. You’ll never know if you like a particular idea until you try it, so make a point to try something new every now and then, just to see if your interests reach a little further than you thought they did. Just make sure that you’re comfortable enough to speak up if you’re not into a particular idea – there shouldn’t be any obligation to continue something you don’t enjoy.
3. Talk to other couples.
Even if you don’t actually have any lesbian friends, believe it or not, you can learn some things from straight couples, too. It can be a little awkward to discuss your sex life with your friends – like way harder than telling random strangers on the internet. If it’s awkward for you, try asking for advice, rather than sharing what you’re doing. This can relieve some of the awkwardness, and may still result in some helpful tips. It’s all about finding a way that works for you.
In my own life, it’s a lot easier for me to type it out than to talk face to face – so consider this option if you’re on the shy side.
4. Give yourself an alter-ego.
I’m sure you’ve heard that adage about being a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… And there’s a reason it’s so popular: It works! Giving yourself an alternate personality who happens to be a sex-crazed stripper-type might make it a little easier to separate your day-to-day responsibilities from your favorite form of cardio. (I’m speaking generally here – I know there are some people who really, really like running, but I am definitely not one of them.) You can even try giving your alter-ego her own backstory, if you think it’ll help. My alter-ego is someone with no responsibilities and no body image issues. My partner would love if my alter-ego learned to twerk, but we’re not quite there yet.
If you find that you’re into the idea of roleplaying, you can even give yourself multiple alter-egos. You can try the promiscuous cheerleader one day, the sexy librarian the next day, and the wholesome-but-curious virgin the day after that. Hey, it’s up to you – whatever gets the engine running and well-lubricated is fair game.
5. Give yourself permission.
Many of us want to embrace a more sex-positive life, but in actual application, something gets lost along the way. We feel like we can’t be sultry sex goddesses because we have children or a hectic job or financial obligations that weigh on our minds. But your sex life depends on giving yourself permission to pursue your fantasies. You need to know that it’s perfectly fine to be bored of the same old thing, and that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship as a whole. Give yourself permission to get a little dirty sometimes – no one has to know but you and your partner!
6. Do it yourself.
Before anyone jumps down my throat for suggesting solo-sex as an alternative to couple-sex, let me explain that mutual masturbation is one of the sexiest forms of foreplay out there – and if you do it just right, it can even be the entire act. Forbidding your partner from actually touching you may automatically increase her desire to do so, and the passionate feeling you get when she shoves you out of the way so she can take over… It’s unmatched. (Personally, I only last about a minute after this happens.)
If you’re struggling to bring yourself to masturbate in front of your partner, revisit point #5 and see if that doesn’t help some. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating, and it definitely doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t doing the job well enough. It just means that you enjoy the idea of putting on a show for her.
7. Make it a big deal.
After you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it can seem like sex is “just something you do”. There’s a certain point where passion gives way to routine, and you may even feel stuck in a situation that almost feels like an obligation. But obligation and routine aren’t really catalysts for good sex – so you need to make a big deal out of it sometimes. Try something completely new that you’ve never done before – or even something that’s just a little new. Consider having sex in the car (in your own driveway) or in a tent under the stars, even if it’s in your own back yard. The options are limitless – you just have to find one that works well for you.
8. Stop trying so hard.
One of the hardest things about planning an exciting sex life is sometimes the planning part. Go with the flow, and try new things without fully discussing them first. Taking opportunities as they’re presented to you is one of the best ways to keep the spontaneity alive. There are a number of things you can try that don’t require any real planning, and if it’s something you think your partner will enjoy, you can start to incorporate these things without necessarily having a full-on discussion beforehand.
(Note: If your partner isn’t on board with the new things you’re trying, definitely stop. Being adventurous is one thing, but ignoring the rules of consent is something else entirely.)