Before I begin, I want to make one thing completely clear: Cheating is a very personal topic, and people are free to define “cheating” in their own relationships.
No one can evaluate your relationship for you and tell you what you should count as infidelity. Just because one person feels one way does not mean that everyone does. The specifics for your relationship are between you and your partner.
That being said, there are a few different categories that can be considered cheating. Some are more widespread than others, and most likely any relationship will consider at least some of the following to be indicators of an unfaithful partner.
Maybe you have an open relationship but choose to be emotionally intimate only with your primary partner – this should be considered when you factor in the various forms of cheating on this list.
1. Kissing.
For many women, kissing is considered cheating. There are obvious exceptions, such as “family kisses” reserved for the closest platonic relationships in your life – but when a “romantic kiss” is given to someone, it can be considered a violation of your relationship’s boundaries.
If you are feeling the need to kiss other women while you are in a relationship, and your partner is not OK with this, you will need to determine which is most important to you. In most cases, you will choose your primary romantic partner; after all, she will be the one who gets your romance and your sense of humor. Why shouldn’t she get all your kisses, too?
2. Cuddling.
I personally do not consider cuddling to be cheating, in most cases – provided all clothes stay on and nobody involved is trying for anything else. After all, cuddling keeps you warm and happy, and it feels nice. It can be done with absolutely no sexual connotations.
My girlfriend and I enjoy an occasional “cuddle puddle” with a select few of our mutual, platonic friends. Would either of us ever try to take it further than that? Not a chance. Do we cuddle with our platonic friends without each other? Yeah, sometimes – but it’s just the relationship we have with that specific friend. I can’t honestly predict how I would react if it were any other friend in question.
It is easy to understand how this could be taken as cheating, though. When you cuddle with someone, your brain produces the same hormone that is produced in a sexual climax – oxytocin, the bonding chemical of the human brain. This is why you must be extra certain that you understand each other when it comes to the subject of cuddling.
3. Flirting.
I used to be quite the flirt. I’ve lost a bit of my touch lately, because I’m out of practice. Generally speaking, I won’t flirt with someone else when I’m in a relationship – but it has never been because a partner said she considered it cheating.
I have heard of other women getting jealous over their partner flirting with someone, though, and I understand where that jealousy comes from. Many relationships start with flirting, so it can be easy to assume that your partner might be flirting in an attempt to form a relationship with this new person. Hey, it’s not always right – but it is what it is.
4. Sexting.
This is a difficult conversation to bring up, but in some ways it does have to do with sex. Typically speaking, you shouldn’t be discussing sex with someone who you’re not actually having sex with – and therefore the assumption is if you’re sexting, you’re sexing.
This is obviously just an assumption, but it would be naive to think that it was without basis.
If you’re sending naked pictures of yourself to someone who isn’t your partner, or requesting naked pictures of someone else, or even talking dirty to someone – you are exchanging sexual attention with someone who isn’t your partner. Unless you know for sure that your partner would not be bothered by this behavior, it’s best if you don’t do it.
This is different than viewing pornography, though – although it would technically include “live cam shows” where you can chat with the “models”. Pornography is simply a genre of film, however you slice it, whereas the interaction is what validates it as an indiscretion.
5. Pornography.
Okay, so I just made such a big deal about pornography not being the same as exchanging sexual attention – but to some women, it’s just as big of a deal. I think women like this are starting to decline, but they definitely still exist (I got into a big debate about it with some Facebook friends not too long ago).
If your girlfriend isn’t comfortable with the idea of you watching porn, you should probably do your best to honor those requests. If you feel it’s a need (which could be a sign of a deeper issue) consider negotiating to get some “material” where she is the star. Of course, not all women will oblige this request, and you must respect that.
And if you do get your girlfriend to provide you with some homemade content – don’t share it, period, unless she explicitly says that you can (hint: that’s rare). That’s a serious violation of her trust, her personal privacy, and it invalidates your relationship.
Think of the last “leaked sex tape” you saw. (Admit it, you’ve seen one.) We think of these things as sexy intimate encounters caught on camera, and they are. But what we often overlook is the fact that the person who leaked it completely betrayed the person who didn’t want it leaked. Don’t be that asshole.
6. Hiding things.
You don’t always have to take an action to be unfaithful. If you feel the need to hide things from your partner (other than surprises for her), this is a sign that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you have to put a password on your phone – you’re hiding, no matter what your reason may be.
Think about it: If you trust your partner, you should trust her enough to know that she won’t go through your phone without your consent. If she respects you, she won’t take advantage of your trust. If you’re not willing to swap phones with your partner – maybe you’re not supposed to be in this relationship.
Please note that I am not saying that you have to give your partner permission to go through your things. She should respect your right to privacy without you having to demand it. Personally, I know the password to my partner’s phone, and she knows mine, but we leave it alone unless something comes up.
I’d hand my phone off to her in a heartbeat, though, and there have actually been a few times when we’ve swapped phones for some reason or another. Maybe I stayed at home while she went to the store, and her phone was dead. The worst thing you can do in that case is betray the trust invested – just because you have permission to use the phone doesn’t mean that you own what’s in it.
7. Secret profiles – anywhere.
You know how some people have those “joint” Facebook accounts with their partner just so you know that they’re spoken for, and it leaves the person looking at it wondering which one of them broke the trust of the other? Well, I’m not talking about that. Avoid that.
What I’m talking about is the need to have a secret profile that your partner doesn’t know about. Maybe it’s on a chat site, or a dating site, or even a second profile on Facebook. It’s not necessarily a bad idea to have another profile, but you shouldn’t have to keep it a secret from your partner.
Particularly if the profile is on a dating/chat site, this can come across quite badly if your partner were to find out about it “on accident”. Of course, just having the profile doesn’t mean you’re guilty of trying to stray – but if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you think?
Even if you’re looking for an “other” in your open relationship, you should never keep it a secret from your partner. Honesty and communication are key to any healthy relationship.
8. Pouring your emotions into someone else.
Whether it’s someone you vent your anger to (when you should be taking these things up with your partner), someone you dump your sadness on (which, again, should be shared with your partner), or someone you go to for sharing your joys – you should be going to your partner first.
Even if the emotions seem to be minor details to you, closing your partner out of your emotional well-being is subliminally saying that you don’t care about her opinions – you should be able to go to her to share your joy when you are happy, and to pick you up when you are down. If you would rather share these things with someone else, you should take a step back and evaluate your relationship to see if it’s truly making you happy.
Not every relationship is right, and if you do not feel an emotional connection with your partner, it’s very likely that the two of you are not meant to work out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. If everyone was meant to be together, no one would ever be monogamous!
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