For the longest time, I talked like such a prude. Dirty words were strictly forbidden – I’d ignore or block anyone who used them toward me, and I absolutely would never use them myself.

Until I got with a woman who made me talk dirty.

For a while, it felt pretty awkward. I wasn’t used to using those words out loud, and they felt unnatural coming out of my mouth. Thankfully, those awkward feelings do melt away after a while, but it takes a bit of effort to make that happen.

Curious how to start talking dirty without making a total ass out of yourself? I’ve been there – and this is what I learned.

Don’t force it.

Confidence is one of the sexiest things you can wear – so if you’re really not comfortable using those words, don’t. It should come naturally, at least to an extent. You might have to push it out, but your partner will definitely be able to tell if you’re saying what’s secretly on your mind, or if you’re making stuff up because you think she wants to hear it. Most women won’t like the second option, because you’ll both feel really awkward.

Start in the bedroom first.

You know how I found out about my dirty-talking skills (and my partner’s dirty-talking fetish)? I let the words come out of my mouth while I was getting some. It really is easier then – just temporarily remove your symbolic “verbal filter” for a while and say what’s on your mind. You want her to go harder, or softer, or in a different direction? It’ll make your sex life better if you tell her, and she’ll probably enjoy hearing it, too.

Practice.

It’s going to be awkward at first. It’s inevitable. But if you stop just because it’s a little awkward, it’s always going to be awkward. I still do my best dirty talking when we’re face-to-crotch, but you have to push your boundaries a little if you want it to get easier. Most people aren’t good at anything right away. How many times did it take you to walk more than two steps without falling? You should expect a similar pattern for your dirty talking, too.

Think hard about what you really want.

Like I said before, it’s easier to talk dirty if you’re just removing your verbal filter. Eventually, you’ll be able to say the things she wants you to say – but for now, focus on the things you want. Most women are pretty responsive to something their partner wants in bed, and being able to ask directly will pretty much ensure you get the best sex possible, every time.

Baby steps.

So you’ve had your first successful mid-sex conversation – that’s great! But it’s probably not time to take the next step yet. Take it slow, and don’t try to rush yourself into doing more than you’re comfortable with. Once you’re 100% comfortable with a certain step, then step it up and take it further. (In my experience, the step after “bedroom sexy talk” was “text message sexy talk”, but that might be different for you.) If you’re really uncomfortable with a step you tried to take, try dialing it back down for a little while. There’s no rush to be the best.

Read romance novels.

It sounds so cheesy, but you really can learn some good dirty talk from lesbian romance novels. Not all of them, of course – you want to avoid the “flowery” ones (the ones where you feel like the author was blushing the whole time they were writing it). And just because something sounds good in a book doesn’t mean it’ll sound good in real life, so make sure you’re only picking up the cues that pertain to you.

Give yourself credit.

One of the biggest confidence-blockers is the belief that you need to get it right, and quickly. This is not the case, and other than being a generally good person, nothing really comes naturally. If you want to learn, you have to give yourself permission to get it wrong, too. Be patient with yourself, and remind your partner to be patient with you, too (if necessary). Trust me – the awkwardness will work itself out in time.

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