Author Archives: J Marie

About J Marie

J. Marie graduated from Duke University with a degree in International Relations and dreams of being a creative writer--dreams she's now realizing as a musical theatre writer in NYC. She's passionate about global black identities, black representation in media, and leather-bound notebooks. She also loves backpacking through a new country at a moment's notice, and speaks Spanish, Swahili and Standard Arabic.

When Does A Lesbian Lose Her Virginity?

Some women remember the exact moment that they lost their virginity. For some, it was magical. For others, humiliating. For still others, underwhelming or overwhelming or boring.

But for women who sleep with women…many of us aren’t even sure when we lost our virginity.

Everyone has a different opinion of cisgender lesbian sex, because it doesn’t involve penetration with a penis. So what counts as sex? Is it oral? Finger-to-genital touching? Your first orgasm? Do you have to be penetrated with something, even a finger, for it to “count”?

If you’re distressed about whether you’ve actually lost your virginity, don’t be. First, the concept of “virginity” changes based on whom you talk to, even when you’re talking about penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.

Ancient Greeks thought that when a woman had a penis inserted into her for the first time, her throat would permanently grow bigger. Sometimes they determined virginity by the size of a woman’s throat.

More recently, the Kinsey Institute ran a study that showed that 18% of men over the age of sixty believe that PIV sex isn’t sex as long as the man wears a condom. Sex is for procreation, or it isn’t sex.

The same study found that “less than 25 percent of participants considered oral genital behavior to be having sex, more than 60 percent thought that the giver or receiver of oral sex was a sexual partner, and more than 97 percent considered a partner who had oral sex with someone else to be have been unfaithful.” So oral sex isn’t sex, but if you have oral sex then that person is a sexual partner, and oral sex is enough sex to be considered adultery. So it’s simultaneously sex and not sex?

So what does all of this mean? Basically, it means that the definition of sex and virginity are always changing. Always. Sex is whatever you believe it to be. And anyone who believes they have the definitive definition of sex is just kidding themselves.

The exact moment you lost your virginity is whatever moment you think it is. Maybe it’s the first time you went down on a girl. Maybe it’s the first time a girl touched you beneath your bra. Maybe it’s the first time you let your girlfriend use a dildo.

It’s completely up to you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Now, just make sure that you do it safely.

Hayley Kiyoko’s ‘Sleepover’ Music Video Shows The Pain Of Having A Crush On Your Best Friend

We’ve all had a crush on someone we couldn’t have.

Maybe it was the most popular girl in school, the cheerleader who didn’t know you existed. Maybe it was a celebrity or someone who lived on the other side of the world.

Or, most painfully of all, maybe it was on your best friend.

Falling in love with your best friend is a uniquely excruciating pain. On one hand, you can spend all of your time together while you bask in her beauty and peach shampoo. On the other hand, you can never truly have her, so you’ll have to keep your mouth shut about the revolving door of guys or girls who catch her eye. (What do they have that you don’t?)

L.A. singer Hayley Kiyoko captures the agony of an unrequited best friend crush in the video for her song Sleepover.

The song chronicles the imaginary slumber party Kiyoko wishes she could have with her best friend. The slumber party starts with sensual cuddling and ends with both women naked in a bathtub. The camera lingers on her best friend as she gets undressed and pulls Kiyoko into a deep kiss.

Of course, this is just a fantasy. At the end of the video, we see Kiyoko sitting silently on her bed, fully dressed and alone.

Even without the video, the song’s lyrics tug on the heartstrings. She sings,

I’m just feeling low, feeling low. Even when you’re next to me, it’s not the way I’m picturing,” and, “Come on, sleep in my bed. Can I just be in my head with you?”

Kiyoko has always been vocal about her queer sexuality. She wrote an op-ed for Paper and her first hit single was even called Girls Like Girls. Hey, we never said she was subtle.

Listen to the song here and learn more about Hayley’s views on sexuality and music on her Tumblr.

This New App Protects You From Revenge Porn

Revenge porn disproportionately affects lesbians and bisexual women – 15% of us have been threatened with it, and 7% of us have actually had revenge porn posted online.

Rumuki is changing all of that.

This revolutionary app is making it nearly impossible for people to share or post revenge porn.

The app encrypts videos right after you record them, so even if someone gets their greedy hands on the video file, they won’t be able to open it.

But Rumuki goes deeper than that.

  1. In order to record a video, both sexual partners have to give permission through the app.
  2. In order to be played, the video needs a randomly generated key, which is hidden on each partner’s phone behind two passwords – the one on the person’s phone and the one on the app.
  3. If either people wants to delete the video, all they have to do is delete the key – now the other person won’t be able to access the video either.
  4. The key changes every week.

Rumuki doesn’t store the videos; it’s an encryption tool, not a hosting site, which means that the only place the videos exist is on the participants’ phones. Rumuki also doesn’t track information about its users. In fact, you can use the app anonymously.

Soon the app will even let people know the other person has taken a screenshot of the video, a technique employed by Snapchat in order to keep prying eyes from capturing images that are only meant to exist for a moment.

Of course, this system isn’t perfect. Someone could still use a second phone to manually record the video from the first phone. Still, Rumuki is an incredible step in the right direction. And it’s an infinitely better solution than the one people usually offer: “If you don’t want your nudes to leak, don’t take nudes.”

The app has already been downloaded more than 6,000 times since its recent launch. To get it for yourself, visit the official website.

9 Things That Happen in Every Lesbian Movie

Rainy days are made for lesbian movies.

There’s nothing like a rainy day for curling up with hot chocolate and bingeing queer movies available on Netflix. These days, the problem is that there are too many lesbian movies to choose from.

You can watch a brooding coming-of-age film. You can appreciate one of the classics. You can take it to the bedroom or to another continent. You can cuddle or cry or go, “Huh?” Seriously, the possibilities are endless.

Despite the crazy amount of lesbian movies, however, they all start to feel a little…similar. After a few flicks, you’ll probably realize that Blue Is the Warmest Color isn’t that different from Imagine Me and You isn’t that different from While You Weren’t Looking.

What tropes keep popping up in every lesbian movie?

1. The Innocent, Unsuspecting Baby Gay: A woman who has never, ever, ever contemplated queerness in her life suddenly falls deeply in love with a woman. Which woman, you may ask?

2. The Super Badass Veteran Gay: A seasoned lesbian, who is usually quirky and mysterious and may or may not have blue hair, rolls into Unsuspecting Baby Gay’s life and helps Unsuspecting Baby Gay figure out who she really is.

3. The Generic Male Figure Hovering in the Background: There’s always a man hanging around the plot somewhere. Maybe the Unsuspecting Baby Gay is married to him, like in Imagine Me and You. Maybe the Unsuspecting Baby Gay sleeps with him, like in Blue is the Warmest Color. Maybe the Unsuspecting Baby Gay dates him until she’s kidnapped by a hot lesbian spy, like in D.E.B.S.

4. Carefree Outdoor Swimming for No Reason: Normal people plan trips to the swimming pool or to the beach, but not lesbians. Lesbians are known for spontaneously stripping down to their underwear (or less) and going swimming in a pool that does not belong to them. Trespassing is sexy.

5. Spontaneous First Kiss While Doing Carefree Outdoor Swimming for No Reason: Innocent, playful splashing turns into a passionate kiss. Every time.

6. Tortured Feelings That Must Be Wrestled With: Something will tear the women apart. In heterosexual romantic comedies, this is usually because of outside reasons, like families who hate each other. But in lesbian movies, the reasons tend to be really introspective and emotional and something to do with a tortured soul.

7. A Sex Scene That Will Come Out of Nowhere: Now the protagonist is eating spaghetti with her parents – whoops, now there’s a twenty-two minute sex scene right in the middle of Blue Is the Warmest Color.

8. Overemotional Music By Some Indie Band You’ve Never Heard Before: Even if you hate that awful hipster band at the start of the movie, you’ll be Shazamming every song by the end.

9. The Super Sad Epilogue: For some reason, lesbian movies rarely end happily. More than likely, there will be a super sad epilogue five years later. Sometimes the epilogue takes a happy turn, and the women come back together just in time to have a super gay wedding (if the movie was made post-2015). But sometimes they just sadly spot each other in the rain, nod, and then walk in the opposite direction.

What’s your favorite lesbian movie trope?

‘Hamilton the Podcast’ Queers Theatre One Hilarious Episode at a Time

With powerhouse shows like Fun Home and Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Broadway has become a place to express queer sexuality and explore gender identity.

Instead of analyzing a queer show like Rent, lesbian comedian Brittani Nichols and her friend Khahlehla Rixon have applied their queer female lens to a different show. They’ve created Hamilton: The Podcast, which is about – three guesses – the groundbreaking hip-hop musical Hamilton.

Even if you haven’t seen Hamilton (and who has? tickets are sold out for the next couple of years) you’ll enjoy these ladies’ track-by-track rundown of the musical. For each song, they discuss the historical context behind it, the musical arrangement, the lyrics and the story as a whole. Except they’re hilarious. And gay. And will have you laughing in your chair about things you’ve never thought about before, like the 19th century US Treasury.

Even if you hate musicals with a fiery passion, there’s a high chance you’ll fall in love with their analysis of Hamilton. Especially since they also haven’t seen Hamilton, and mostly just guess what it’s like.

Their analysis will also have you reflecting on queer questions you’ve never thought about before. Which Schuyler sister was the most attractive? Did Aaron and Burr have sexual tension? How likely was it that Alexander Hamilton had a crush on John Laurens? Was Lafeyette as queer as his name sounds?

They just finished going through the whole musical, so you have 50+ hours of podcast material to catch up on; it’s perfect for long trips or study sessions.

What’s next for the duo? One can only hope that they interview Hamilton’s queer cast members, such as Ariana DeBose, who played the most important role in the show: the bullet.

When you’re done, check out Words with Girls, Brittani’s gay web series-turned-fully-produced show:

Are You Ableist Without Realizing It?

Queer spaces are supposed to be safe spaces. Sadly, more often than not, queer spaces exclude certain groups of people, such as people of color or nonbinary people.

One group that is not just overlooked, but also made invisible, is disabled queer people.

If you asked most queer people if they discriminate, they would probably say, “Of course not! I welcome all people all the time.”

…But then no disabled people show up at their events.

It’s not because disabled queer people don’t exist – they definitely do – but it’s because these spaces, and the people in them, do not welcome them.

Many queer spaces just aren’t accessible.

Your building has an elevator for people in a wheelchair. Great! But that’s just the beginning. Making a space truly accessible for all people requires a lot of work, so roll up your flannel sleeves.

Are the bathrooms handicap accessible? Are signs written in braille? Does anyone at the meeting know American Sign Language? Are there several options for foods – not just vegetarian, but also gluten-free for people with Celiac disease, or sugar-free for people with diabetes?

The extra effort goes a long way. It makes the difference between someone feeling welcome and someone being unable to participate.

Many able-bodied people are ableist without knowing it.

If you’re queer, you probably bristle when you hear a homophobic or biphobic comment, even if the comment wasn’t meant to be offensive. It’s the same way with ableism: you might be offending someone or promoting ableist viewpoints without realizing it.

Watch your language to make sure you’re not using slurs, such as “retarded” or “crippled” (and even words like “dumb,” “lame” or “stupid” have their roots in ableism). And avoid making light of mental illness, such as saying that you are “so OCD” if you don’t actually have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or saying that the weather is schizophrenic just because it changes a lot.

At the same time, be mindful of microaggressions. Don’t make a disabled person feel like they’re missing out or imply that you pity them. Don’t speak over them or for them. Don’t ask intrusive questions. And don’t assume what they can and cannot do.

Many able-bodied people fetishize disabled people – or write them off completely.

When you think about hot queer women, you probably think Samira Wiley, Ruby Rose, Kristen Stewart or Kate McKinnon. You probably think about the hot girl who sits behind you in Swahili class or the really attractive barista at your favorite bar. Chances are, you picture someone able-bodied.

Disabled queer writer Nik Moreno says, “Being a wheelchair user, I tend to stick out a lot. Folks rarely find me romantically desirable, usually because they see the chair before me… We’re either seen as disgusting or not attractive, and people try to pass it off as a preference.”

What’s the solution? Don’t try to date someone just because they’re disabled, because that fetishizes their disability. But don’t write someone off just because they have a disability. Realize that your “preferences” just mask your bigotry.

For more about the intersection of queerness and disability, check out this three part series.

Thurst – This Dating App Offers More for Queer People

Gay men have Grindr. Gay women have Her. Straight people have OKCupid and Plenty Of Fish and JDate and Tinder and Bumble. (Okay, queer people technically have access to all of those too, but the pickings are slim, and those platform were definitely not designed for us.)

Where do you look for a new lover if you’re attracted to more than one gender?

If you’re genderqueer, where do you look for a lover who will accept your identity unquestioningly?

Thurst is “the first dating app designed for queer people of all genders.”

It was designed by Morgen Bromell, a queer woman of color who was tired of seeing cisgender white men dictate the app-based dating industry. A straight white man created Tinder, and almost all other dating apps have stemmed from that, implementing a swipe-based system that doesn’t always work for queer people.

Bromell created Thurst for “queer, cis, trans and non-binary folk who are seeking to connect in person.”

What makes it different from other queer dating apps? First, Thurst has enhanced levels of security – in many U.S. states someone can be fired for being LGBT, so being discovered on a queer app carries elevated risks. Second, Thurst doesn’t just let you choose “Seeking Women” or “Seeking Men and Women” like Tinder does. You can also look for people based on their kinks and fetishes. And you can filter people based on how they identify politically.

The only questionable aspect of Thurst is that it also allows you to filter by race. While Bromell undoubtedly means well, this feature risks fostering the same racism that has made Grindr infamous.

Still, Thurst has gained a lot of well-earned praise for pushing beyond the gender binary. As Bromell says:

I have always centered and prioritized trans folks and especially trans women, who face unparalleled levels of violence. These are essential principles, and embracing non-mainstream understanding of how to care for people has influenced the ways I envision Thurst, as not only an app, but a platform for cultural change. My hope is that we can allow folks to express the truths of their existence and be their full selves while seeking to connect with others, however that may look for them.

Check out the app for yourself.

8 Tips For Dating A Trans Woman, From a Trans Woman

Trans women are women. Period.

And, as with dating any woman, there are many DOs and DON’Ts. Transgender writer Leila Blake recently sat down to school cisgender on people on how to have an amazing relationship with a transgender woman.

Here’s what she said:

1. Don’t use the word “tranny.”

That is a derogatory term used in porn and it turns transgender women into objects.

2. Don’t expect her to teach you.

Leila says that too many cisgender people ask her questions that they could just Google themselves, such as “What’s the difference between a cross-dresser and a transgender person?” She’s not a textbook. Ask Jeeves.

3. Don’t expect her to roll right into bed.

Society frames transgender women in terms of what they’re able to do sexually – who can forget the awful Crying Game scene that demonized a sexy woman who dared to have a penis? In real life, don’t expect a transgender woman to want to move straight into the bedroom.

4. Don’t hide her away.

Leila says that for many people, “We’re ‘good enough’ for sex but not to be taken out in public.” Don’t be the idiot who tries to hide your relationship.

5. Steer clear of stereotypes.

You know that it’s bad to stereotype – not all black people are rappers, not all Asian people are math geniuses, and not all white people are trailer trash. But when it comes to transgender people, you might be holding stereotypes you didn’t even know you had, especially if you haven’t met a transgender person before. Don’t assume that all transgender women have penises (or don’t), that they’re all sex workers or criminals (like on Orange is the New Black), that they envy cisgender women (trans women are women) or that they want to look stereotypically feminine (butch trans women exist). Don’t excuse your ignorance by saying, “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

6. Don’t bring up sexual intercourse on the first date.

This is one of Leila’s personal rules. Not all transgender people are comfortable with their bodies, so they may not be comfortable discussing sex. Some are. Some aren’t. Tread lightly and wait for her to bring it up first.

7. Talk about sex before you do it.

Open communication is important in any sexual relationship, especially queer sexual relationships, cisgender or not. Before you sleep with her, ask her what she’s comfortable with.

8. Support her transition.

If you’re in a relationship with a transgender woman for a long period of time, especially a woman at the beginning of her transition, then be prepared for a lot of changes. Transitioning is difficult, emotionally and physically and financially. Support her.

For more of Leila’s tips, read this recent piece.

Trump’s Long-Lost Lesbian Muslim Daughter Is Finally Speaking Out

Ayesha Trump is finally speaking out about her father, Donald J. Trump.

As a half-Pakistani lesbian Muslim, she feels it is finally time to tell the world who she is and to reveal her father’s own hypocrisy.

As much as we all wish this were true, Ayesha Trump is the fictional creation of Fawiza Mirza, a Chicago-based comedian.

Mirza, who is a lesbian Muslim in real life, grew frustrated at Trump’s homophobic, misoygnisitic, Islamophobic comments. “What can a little brown girl do?” she asked herself. “Well, I can make something. I can do comedy.”

She has created a twenty-minute satirical exposé on Ayesha Trump. This intense interview follows the style of many groundbreaking documentaries, complete with close-ups on Ayesha playing with a Trump-Gandhi coloring book, dramatic voiceovers, and nail-biting Gotcha! questions like this one.

INTERVIEWER: How many terrorists are in your family?

(Ayesha counts.)

AYESHA: Zero.

INTERVIEW: Why were you counting?

AYESHA: Oh, sorry. There are no terrorists in my Pakistani family. But there are at least three terrorists on my Trump side.

Will comedy like this stop Trump’s Islamophobic legislature? Not directly. But Ayesha has a way of turning the interviewer’s questions and expectations on their head – even though she is a bit ditzy herself (inherited from her father).

Another gem of a line:

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any aspirations?

AYESHA: The only aspiration I have is the sweat that comes out of my body. That’s how I aspire.

Unlike Ayesha, who is only now coming forward, Mirza has been an openly queer powerhouse on the Internet for quite sometime. She often posts videos talking about human rights, Islam and coming out. Before starring as Ayesha, she created hilarious webseries such as Kam Kardashian, which follows the exploits of the long-lost lesbian sister from the famous family, and Brown Girl Problems, which details the lives of quirky South Asian women.

Learn more at Mirza’s website.

10 Things That Happen in EVERY Queer Young Adult Novel

It’s hard to find positive lesbian role models on television. Shows are finally adding more lesbian characters, but they are killing them off just as quickly.

When many of us were hitting puberty five or ten or twenty years ago, there were even fewer lesbian characters on television. So where did we turn? The same place many teens turn when they realize they’re different:

Books.

Do you remember your favorite LGBT young adult book?

There are many. So, so many. So, so, SO many.

Wait a minute. If there are so many…doesn’t that most many LGBT novels end up telling the same story?

Yes. LGBT Young Adult novels, which were groundbreaking in the ’80s and ’90s, often fall into tropes now. The books that used to make our hearts skip a beat now make us roll our eyes.

(Don’t get me wrong. I’m a queer female writer with a short attention span, so LGBT YA is one of my favorite genres. And I’ve been known to write some bad lit sometimes. So I write this article with love.)

Here are the 10 things you’ll find in every queer YA novel:

1) Oh no! A football player has realized that he’s gay. Whatever will he do? His popularity is at stake!

2) Oh no! A cheerleader has realized that she’s gay (and she probably has a crush on the school nerd). Whatever will she do? Her popularity is at stake!

3) A bookish, quirky girl falls for the most popular girl in school – and realizes that the popular girl isn’t as shallow as she thought. Then they make out.

4) The biggest homophobe in school is secretly queer. My goodness!

5) A religious character has to break free of the church in order to embrace his or her ~true self~.

6) The shy main character meets a quirky, openly gay character who helps the main character become his or her ~true self~. The main character rarely starts out openly gay and helps someone else come out of the closet. These are stories of self-discovery, after all.

7) Come to think about it, most of these novels are just coming out stories with different covers.

8) Someone begins a friendship with a hidden agenda, but then the friendship becomes real. That is, until the original sinister intentions are revealed and ruin the friendship (for half a chapter).

9) A male character wears bright, quirkly clothing. That’s how you know he’s gay.

10) A female character has piercings and tattoos. That’s how you know she’s gay (and rejects the patriarchy).

Bonus: Out of sight, out of mind – where are all of the characters of color?

What stereotypes have you noticed in LGBT YA fiction?

Does Queer Rap Actually Exist?

Queer rap is amazing. From Young M.A to MicahTron to HYM to Dio Ganhdih, the genre is bursting with incredible young lesbian rappers. In the past five years, the queer rap genre has exploded.

So what’s the problem?

“Queer rap” doesn’t exist.

Queer rap isn’t a genre. “Rap” is a genre, “hip-hop” is a genre, “R&B” is a genre, but according to Pitchfork, “queer rap” is a label that homogenizes, stigmatizes and marginalizes rappers who happen to be LGBT.

Popular music website Pitchfork wrote about NYC’s queer rap scene a few years ago. They popularized the term “queer rap.” However, they recently retracted their own article.

The label “queer rap” turns musicians into spectacles.

Queer rappers like Dio Ganhdih and Mykki Blanco aren’t evaluated based on the quality of their work; with songs that are lyrically nuanced and sonically stimulating, their work is obviously stellar. But when people write about queer rap, they don’t write about the structure of the lyrics, the narrative thread of the album or the power of a particular instrumental riff. They write about how crazy it is that someone would rap about two girls kissing. They write about how fascinating it is that Young M.A dresses like a man or that Mykki Blanco defies gender. They turn talented musicians into queer freakshows.

“Queer rap” lumps all gay hip-hop artists into one category.

Labeling someone’s art as “queer rap” invites people to lump together two artists creating completely different types of work just because both artists happen to by LGBT. “Queer rappers” Le1f and Mykki Blanco complain that this happens to them quite frequently. I mean, would you assume that Virginia Woolf and James Baldwin were similar just because they both happened to be queer?

“Queer rap” says that sexuality is the most important thing about a musician.

Labeling someone’s work as “queer rap” also broadcast’s the rapper’s sexuality to world, turning off potential listeners before they even play the song. If someone is straight, he or she will probably not give queer rap a chance. This destroys chances for thousands of artists.

Case in point, the biggest queer rapper of our time is Frank Ocean. But he achieved fame because he stayed in the closet until after his first album became a hit. If his music had been labeled “queer rap” from the beginning, few people would have given him a chance.

So what’s the solution? Should we hide that a rapper is queer? Of course not.

But should we lump all rappers together under the “queer rap” umbrella? No. Let’s learn to evaluate them based on their musical merits first.

What is a Polyamorous Family?

Polyamory comes in all shapes and sizes. Some people treat polyamory like an open relationship with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, while other people give their partners a run-down of the people they’re sleeping with.

Then there are families. Families are for people who like their partners to all know each other and, in some cases, all be sexually involved.

If you’ve read Is Polyamory Right for You and Your Girlfriend? or 15 Signs You Might Be Polyamorous, then you’re probably familiar with the first two scenarios, but what on earth is a family? (And how do you maybe get into one?)

Every poly family is a little bit different.

According to a recent study, 9.8 million Americans have experimented with an open relationship, and 5 percent of Americans (15.9 million people) participate in ethical non-monogamy.

There are as many different ways to do polyamory as there are polyamorous people. Some throuples are comprised of three equal partners, while some families are organized like a family tree, with one couple being primary (most important) and other couples in the tree considered secondary.

In dom-headed families, the family tree gets even more complex. One dom (dominant partner) named Fyre recently broke down her own system of partners. She and her primary partner, Angel, define their relationship as master-slave: Fyre decides everything about Angel’s life, from what Angel eats to what Angel does for a living. Fyre’s secondary partner, Dane, has a little more freedom; Fyre doesn’t control where he works, but she does control all of his sexual activities. Her tertiary partner, Puppy, isn’t a sexual partner; in fact, Puppy has a separate boyfriend but comes to Fyre for power play.

Get ready for rules, lots of rules.

Some people turn to polyamory looking for a sexual free-for-all where they can have sex with anyone they want all the time. That’s not true, especially in families – and yes, you can still cheat even if you’re polyamorous.

In most poly families, every member of the family has to give permission for another member to sleep with someone outside of the family. And many families require new members to provide medical records to prove that they don’t have STDs.

If you enter into a polyamorous family, be ready to live by the rules and engage in open communication.

Some partners aren’t sexual.

Fyre and Puppy don’t have a sexual relationship, which is a core tenet of polyamory: In polyamory, partnership can look like anything, from throuples to queerplatonic relationships.

Just because you’re in a family with someone doesn’t mean that you want to sleep with them. Some family members are just there for companionship or for non-sexual power play. Broaden your idea of what partnership can be.

For more information about poly families, click here.

Disney’s First Gay Character Is Officially Here!

Well, it’s finally happened, and no one was prepared: Disney has announced its first gay character!

The movie where the character will be premiering, Beauty and the Beast, is right around the corner, so we won’t have to wait two years to see whether Elsa will #GetAGirlfriend.

So who is the character? Is it Bella, played by Emma Watson? (We always knew Hermione was queer.)

No? Okay, is it the Beast? He would bring a new meaning to the word “Furries.”

Not quite.

Disney’s first openly gay character is LeFou, the sidekick of Gaston, the villain. Josh Gad, who voiced the snowman in Frozen, will star as LeFou.

In a recent interview, the director said, “LeFou is somebody who on one day wants to be Gaston and on another day wants to kiss Gaston. He’s confused about what he wants. It’s somebody who’s just realizing that he has these feelings. And Josh makes something really subtle and delicious out of it. And that’s what has its payoff at the end, which I don’t want to give away. But it is a nice, exclusively gay moment in a Disney movie.”

Although this is exciting, it’s okay to be skeptical.

First, the live-action Beauty the Beast has not been met with much enthusiasm since its announcement; Disney fans want to see the company develop new stories rather than continuously wring out the old ones. Given the film’s lukewarm reception, are the Beauty and the Beast creators just using a gay character to entice LGBT fans to buy tickets? After all, if Disney truly wanted to make a statement in favor of gay rights, wouldn’t they have made the first gay character one of the protagonists, instead of the laughable, evil sidekick?

Second, the fact that the first gay character is evil just perpetuates the Sissy Villain trope – many Disney villains, from Scar to Governor Ratcliffe, have effeminate or “homosexual” tendencies. Why? Because men who display femininity are considered evil.

Finally, LeFou literally means “the fool” in French. Shouldn’t the first gay character be more than a punchline?

Still, the fact that Disney is finally including an openly gay character is a major step forward. If done well, LeFou may inspire an entire generation of children to be themselves. If not well done then, well, we can resurrect #GiveElsaAGirlfriend.

Beauty and the Beast opens on March 17.

‘Chin Up, Dreamboat!’ Is a Sassy Coloring Book to Help You Through Your Break-Up

How do you get over a breakup?

You’ve eaten a gallon of ice cream, you’ve thrown knives at your ex’s picture, and you’ve sworn off romance (again). But nothing is making you feel better. What do you do?

Have you tried…coloring?

Hear me out. Sure, you could go to a club to find a rebound girl, or you could beg for your ex back (again), but why don’t you do something healthy that will actually make you feel better?

Lesbian, comedian, illustrator and all-around wonderful gal Nawwal Moustafa has created the ultimate coloring book for your lesbian breakup.

Chin Up, Dreamboat! is an inspiring but grittily honest coloring book for anyone suffering through a lesbian breakup. She says,

This book will be your companion through the lows and the recovery highs of a breakup. I created Chin Up, Dreamboat! for you to color, relate, laugh and maybe even heal.”

The illustrations feature all-too-familiar scenarios. For example, in one, a girl is wrapped up in two hundred blankets, vowing to never come out of bed. In another, a girl says, “NOPE!” to the idea of participating in real life, while she sips a Starbucks latte and stares somberly out into the void.

The book features feminine characters, masculine characters, stemme characters, andro characters – it runs the spectrum. It’s refreshing to find such a diverse depictions of queer women.

Her goal was to create something that queer people can relate to, and she succeeded. However, this coloring book is so hilarious and relatable that allies can enjoy it too. So when your straight best friend finally dumps the boy who is no good for her, present her with a copy.

Nawwal spent six months working on this project. Her Kickstarter was funded 625% within thirty days – that’s incredible!

Order your copy, purchase Chin Up totebags and t-shirts, and say hello to Nawwal at the official website.

MyQueerReview Helps You Find Safe Spaces in Your City

As queer women, we know the importance of safe spaces – spaces where we can escape the homophobia, misogyny and all-around unpleasantness of the real world.

And we each have our own favorites. Maybe you love to curl up at the sex-positive café-bookshop around the corner. Maybe you attend meetings at your local LGBT community center. Maybe you and your friends have created your own safe space by hosting weekly movie nights.

Finding the perfect safe space isn’t always easy, especially if you live in a small city with limited LGBT resources. So how do you find the perfect space or you?

That’s where MyQueerReview comes in.

This is the queer Yelp of safe spaces.

Here’s how it works: Queer people from all over the world add their favorite spaces to the database. Other people can rate and review the spaces online, or check out the spaces in person. The vast majority of these spaces are cafes, bars and restaurants, but the database also includes pro-LGBT medical professionals, spas, and more.

The database is growing quickly. It currently contains over 200 entries in 11 states: New York, Maryland, Florida, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Indiana, Minnesota, California, Arizona, Kansas and even Alaska. The Australia and United Kingdom sections are growing as well! Canadians: please help grow their small but promising Toronto section!

So what can you find on this site? The better question is, what can’t you find?

You can find tattoo parlors, hair salons, counseling centers, gyms, hotels, clubs, churches, restaurants, theatres, libraries, museums – need I say more? Whatever you’re in the mood to check out, MyQueerReview has it.

MyQueerReview is also useful for identifying unsafe spaces. Before going out, check a location on the website to see which places users have marked as decidedly unsafe.

This growing website relies on user contributions, so add your favorite places today!

Which Game of Thrones Characters Are the Queerest? – The Official List

Game of Thrones will be returning this spring. That’s right, it’s almost time for your favorite dragons, incestuous couples and complicated storylines to return with a vengeance for the penultimate season!

How will you prepare yourself? You could read the books. You could rewatch all six seasons. You could write even more Yara/Dany fanfiction (we know you’ve already started several).

Or you could remind yourself of all of your favorite queer characters, with help from GeeksOut.


Gender Non Con-forming Characters

Brienne

Brienne rejects all of your feminine stereotypes. No, she will not grow her hair out. No, she will not act like a lady. Yes, she will cut off your head if you disrespect Jaime Lannister.

Arya

Is Arya really gender non-conforming or is she just a tomboy? It’s hard to tell. But, since she did spend an entire season pretending to be a boy, we’ve got to admit that she was never one to care about gender.


Asexual Characters 

Asexuality is hard to define because many of the men in Game of Thrones have been castrated. (Seriously, the castration rate is alarmingly high. Someone in Westeros should probably do something about that.)

If these characters hadn’t been castrated, would they experience sexual desire? Do they still feel sexual desire regardless of their lack of genitalia? What about the men who were castrated later in life – have they completely lost the ability to have sexual desire, or just the ability to act on that desire?

Theon

Late to the castration game, Theon can’t consummate his desires even if he still has them. Very jealous that his sister Yara gets more girls than he does.

Varys

Castrated as a child, Varys does not trouble himself with things as silly as sex. He’s too busy pulling the puppet strings of the entire kingdom.

Greyworm

Greyworm can still fall in love, so if anything, he’s asexual but heteroromantic. He and Missandei would win the award for cutest couple hands-down.

Jon Snow

Okay, Jon Snow isn’t technically asexual, but he seems like he could be gray-asexual. He’s only ever slept with someone once, and he did not seem particularly interested in sex before, after or even during losing his virginity.


Queer Men

Remy and Loras

Remy and Loras should be together forever, in life, in death, and in lists.

Oberyn

If bisexuals had a mascot, Oberyn would be it. Openly sexually fluid – and with a delicious accent – Oberyn proves that labels don’t always matter. Hotness does.


Queer Women

Finally, the category we’ve all been waiting for: the ladies of Westeros that make us lick our lips.

Daenerys

When Yara hits on her, Dany seems very interested. Enough said.

Yara

Yara is the bro-iest bro to ever bro, and not just because she rescued her bro Theon. Who can forget the time she checked out Dany with a smirk? Or the time she started having sex with a female prostitute?

Sansa

Not yet. But it could be coming.

Who do you think should be added to the list?

Study Shows Marriage Equality Has Lowered Suicide Rates

According to the Trevor Project, one out of every six teenagers contemplates suicide each year. Lesbian, gay and bisexual teenagers are four times as likely to actually attempt suicide as hetereosexual students of the same age.

That’s depressing, and the fact that anyone contemplates or attempts suicide is a tragedy. But there is good news.

According to researchers at Harvard University and John Hopkins University, suicide attempts by queer youth have dropped by 7% since same-sex marriage was legalized in the United States.

Between 1999 and 2015, before gay marriage was legalized, 28% of lesbian, gay and bisexual students attempted suicide. In less than two years, that statistic has dropped to 21%. Twenty-one percent is still very high, but that’s a lot of progress for such a short amount of time. The researchers gathered information from nearly 800,000 students.

So why the direct correlation between marriage equality and lower suicide rates?

On one hand, it doesn’t make any sense. Teenagers are too young to get married, so the ruling does not directly impact their lives. Legislation about gender equality in bathrooms or anti-bullying would affect them more. So why do kids care that gay people can get married?

Before the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage, states that individually legalized gay marriage were found to have more supporters of LGBT rights. That means that the state as a whole felt more inclusive. And residents were more likely to (eventually) vote for legislation that further improved the quality of life for LGBT people.

Now that gay marriage is legalized throughout the United States, the same seems to be true: LGBT teenagers see that their way of life is legally accepted throughout the entire country, which makes them feel less like outcasts, which means that fewer attempt suicide.

Is gay marriage the magic band-aid for LGBT issues? Of course not. As we’ve seen by Trump’s treatment of transgender students, as well as the fact that gay people can still be fired for their sexuality in many states, the LGBT equality movement still has a long way to go.

But the dropping suicide rates are a beacon of hope. Maybe one day, instead of 21%, it will be zero.

Read the study here.

Are You an Inclusive Feminist?

As we’ve talked about before, intersectional feminism is crucial.

Intersectional feminism expands the tight boundaries of traditional feminism, which often overlooks the realities of non-white, non-cisgender and non-straight women.

So how do you take steps towards actually including all types of people in your feminism?

Acknowledge that you’re privileged.

If you’re able to read this website without censorship or threat of death, you are privileged.

If you’re able to vote in presidential elections, even if your candidate doesn’t win, then you are privileged.

If you have food on the table or a college education or even the ability to walk into a store without being racially profiled, you are privileged.

Even if you’re non-white, or non-straight, or non-cisgender, you can still experience privilege in other areas of your life. That’s not a bad thing by any means, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it – but acknowledge that your privilege colors your worldview and that people with varying levels of privilege may have different opinions.

Listen.

It’s human nature to jump to conclusions based on what you think you know. When the #BlackLivesMatter movement started, many non-black people assumed that the movement meant that other lives didn’t matter, which was not true.

Instead of making assumptions about a group of people that you don’t know, ask questions. Look things up. Read articles.

This works for politics too. Mainstream feminism often assumes that women will be liberal, meaning pro-choice, for example, and pro-Hillary Clinton. But this narrow view overlooks a large subset of women, namely, those who are conservative and who hold opinions at odds with traditional feminism. Instead of condemning these people, open your mind and learn how they think. You don’t have to agree, but you should be able to empathize.

Ask questions.

Yes, you can use Google. But it’s also okay to ask someone  – for example, if you’re not sure whether Muslim women choose to wear hijabs or are forced to, you could ask a Muslim friend if she minds explaining it to you. In many cases, as long as someone sees that you’re earnestly trying to learn, they will be open.

Realize that feminism evolves.

Feminism today isn’t what it was in the ’90s or ’70s or ’60s.

Judith Butler’s feminism looks different from bell hooks’ feminism looks different from Beyoncé’s feminism. According to bell hooks, Beyonce is a terrorist, but at least she’s a feminist one.

Recognize that there’s no one “right” way to be feminist, so don’t lock yourself into one worldview. Always be willing to read, rethink and even disagree with yourself. As the world changes, so should your ideas.

Read more on intersectional feminism here.

Yes, You Can Have Sex On Your Period (And It’s Awesome)

Period sex.

What was your first thought? Many people are disgusted at the thought. But why?

Women are taught to be ashamed of periods – we squirrel away our tampons so that male friends don’t see them, we keep quiet about our cramps and we swear that we don’t have PMS.

Being a queer woman has its advantages. For one, your girlfriend understands periods. That means that when you ask your her to pick up more pads, she doesn’t wrinkle her nose, and when you discover her period blood on the sheets, you wash them without asking questions.

Still, even some queer women get queasy at the thought of period sex. Here’s why you should give it a second thought.

Do you have cramps? Sex will alleviate that.

Orgasms are nature’s Tylenol. When you’re cramping, you could pop a handful of pills and hope for the best…or you could have an orgasm.be a natural pain reliever. Sex makes more blood flow to your uterus and releases endorphins that tell your brain that you are

Sex is a natural pain reliever. Sex makes more blood flow to your uterus and releases endorphins that tell your brain that you are very happy.

Obviously, sex doesn’t always mean penetration, so feel free to forgo a dildo. If you’re not yet comfortable with your partner being around you, stimulate yourself. But if you are comfortable, don’t be afraid to experiment.

It’s kinky.

When you’ve been with your partner for a while, you’ll eventually need to try new things in the bedroom, and some of them will be very kinky.

If you think about it, sex is already dirty – why else would they call it “dirty talk”? Plus, sex involves a lot of fluid exchange between a lot of “unclean” places already. You might as well change things up a bit; maybe bloodplay is for you.

It asserts that the female body is beautiful.

Society says that periods are dirty. Society also says a lot of really wrong things, like “Women should be submissive and chaste” and “Donald Trump should be president” and “Transgender women aren’t women.” By embracing your body when you’re on your period, you’re kicking the patriarchy in the face.

You own your body. You are proud of it. You will not let men dictate when you can and cannot have sexual pleasure.

Check out this article or this one for more about having sex on your period.

15 Easy (and Necessary) Ways To Practice Self-Care

Self-care is vital.

But it’s hard to tell yourself that it’s vital. You’ll always have another assignment to finish, another job to apply for, another errand run to make – you probably live by the adage “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

If you don’t practice self-care, you’ll burn out. End of story. Human beings aren’t robots. Burnout leads to mental and physical side effects like high blood pressure, anxiety, depression and insomnia. Take care of yourself. Here are some easy ways to do so.

Here are some easy ways to do so.

For the body:

  • Meditate for fifteen minutes a day in order to clear your head.
  • Find an exercise that you enjoy, such as yoga, and treat yourself to it.
  • Get a full night’s sleep every night. It will increase your productivity the next day.
  • Don’t be afraid to eat dessert. Sure, you’ve heard sugar is bad for you, but sugar is also delicious, and you deserve to live a little.
  • Drink in moderation. Don’t be afraid to hit happy hour with friends and decompress.

For the mind:

  • Check out all of the new comedies on Netflix and devour at least one episode a day.
  • Take a nap several times a week (or a day).
  • Learn stress-handling techniques.
  • When was the last time you read a good book? Head to a bookstore or read one on your phone.
  • Learn something that you’ve always wanted to learn. It’s finally time for you to learn sign language and improve your contour game.

For your spirit:

  • Create art. You don’t have to splurge on a class – teach yourself from free resources on the internet.
  • Log off of social media when you’ve had enough. Don’t feel pressured to keep up with everything.
  • You don’t have to read the news. For your own sanity, skip it some days.
  • Find a safe space. This doesn’t have to be a community center; it can be your comfy bed or a friend’s apartment. Anywhere you feel at peace.
  • Make time for religion. If religion is important to you, don’t shove it to the end of your to-do list because life is too hectic. Attending a religious service will help you find community and also decrease your stress levels.

Need more inspiration? Here are 134 more ideas.

A Guide To Bi-Curious Experimenting

Sexuality is all about experimentation. How do you know whether you like something if you don’t try it?

Specifically, if you’re bi-curious, how do you actually test the waters?

DO admit that you could be queer and it’s not the end of the world.

If you’re bi-curious, own it. Don’t be ashamed. Maybe you could be bisexual. Maybe you could be homosexual. Say it out loud – to a friend or to a mirror – and you’ll realize that it’s not the end of the world. The prospect might even excite you a little.

DON’T try to make out with your lesbian friend.

Contrary to what straight people are led to believe, not every queer person is attracted to you. You know your lesbian friend? The super gay one who wears flannel and rocks a buzzcut and romances a different woman every night? Yes, that lesbian friend might not be into you.

Besides, even if she is into you, it’s a bad idea to mix your budding homosexual and homoromantic feelings with a friendship. Big no-no.

DO get on the apps, all the apps.

The best way to meet someone is in everyday life. But everyday life takes too long. You don’t have enough time to wait for your meet-cute with a beautiful woman in a quirky coffee shop, so help fate out by downloading everything. Tinder, Her, Bumble, OKCupid. Cast your net wide. Not every queer woman will be into a bicurious girl, so increase your odds by matching with every queer woman in your city at once.

DON’T hide the fact that this is your first time.

In your dating app profile, be upfront with the fact that you just want to experiment. Perhaps you’ll match with someone else who is bi-curious and you two can experiment together. Or perhaps you’ll match with a mature lesbian willing to show you the ropes.

But don’t be the girl who waits until the actual date to mention that you’re new to this. If your date is looking for something more – namely, an experienced woman who is good in bed and knows that she’s definitely a lesbian – then you’re just wasting her time.

DO be honest about your anxiety.

If you’re nervous about your first time with a girl, don’t play it cool. This will just increase your anxiety. If the first line out of your mouth is “I’m such an amazing pro at lesbian sex,” then you’ll feel major pressure to live up to your boast. And you won’t live up to that. (Not your first time, anyway. Practice makes perfect.)

Instead, just admit that you’re nervous and ask for her to patiently walk you through it. Chances are, she’ll think it’s cute and will be more than willing to break the ice.

Good luck!

Discover Queer San Francisco in New Adventure Game ‘Read Only Memories’

In Neo-San Francisco, you can be whatever you want, from a queer bartender to a lesbian robot hybrid.

In the near dystopic future, complete human customization is possible. Groups of people called “hybrids” have begun experimenting with cybernetic augmentation and gene splicing. And in a world with sentient robots, hybrids feel right at home pushing the boundaries of what it means to be human.

This cyberpunk noir game Read Only Memories takes place in the very LGBT city of Neo-San Francisco, where you play as a young journalist. A robot named Turing (named after the real-life gay scientist whose Turing Test is used to determine levels of artificial intelligence) comes to visit you. Turing needs your help to track down his creator.

Throughout the traditional point-and-click adventure game, you will interact with all of Neo-San Francisco’s queerest locals, some of whom are hybrids and some of whom are just proud queer people. You’ll build alliances, solve puzzles, and learn the dark truth about the future. The 10+ hours of gameplay will lead you to one of many endings based on your narrative choices, so Read Only Memories offers plenty of room for playthroughs.

The game’s main draw is the complete control you have over your character’s sexual orientation or gender identity. You can choose with personal pronouns the game will refer to your character as – he, her, they, xe, ze or even a custom pronoun of your choosing.

The game was developed by MidBoss, a groundbreaking LGBT gaming company that produces the annual LGBT GaymerX Convention, and which produced the documentary Gaming in Color about the growing community of LGBT gamers. This is MidBoss’ first foray into developing their own games.

Founder Matt Conn said,

Instead of waiting for Sony and other big companies to include gay characters in their games as more than just tokens, we should just do it ourselves.”

And Read Only Memories was born.

Read Only Memories is available on Playstation 4, Windows, Mac, and Linux. The Xbox One, Playstation Vita, Android and iOS versions are coming soon.

Visit the official website to learn more, or preview the game by watching a playthrough here.

Trailer:

Get ‘Witchy’, A Supernatural New Queer Comic

This queer Asian witch is growing out her hair to save her father.

Witchy, a new webcomic by Ariel Ries, follows a queer South Asian witch named Nyneve (Nin-eev) who lives in the witch kingdom Hyalin. In Hyalin, the strength of a witch’s magic is determined by the length of his or her hair. The strongest witches join the Witch Guard, a law-enforcing order that keeps the peace during wartime.

But witches who grow their hair too long become too powerful, and are marked as enemies of the state. The Witch Guard annihilates these enemies in an execution called a witch burning. Haunted by the execution of her father and conscripted by the Witch Guard organization who killed him, Nyneve has a choice to make: Should she join the organization that murdered her father or take a stand against the government?

Witchy updates every Monday. Four chapters and hundreds of pages are available so far, so spend a few hours getting caught up in the archive before the next update.

Ries hand-draws each comic. She’s an animation student in Melbourne, Australia.

In addition to putting together her thesis film, Ries is in the process of collecting Witchy Chapters 1-3 into a print volume.

She draws her comics quite large (A4) in order to make all of her uploads high-resolution. Her work has evolved since she began drawing the comic in 2014: She drew the first 20 pages with a dip pen and deleter ink on manga paper, then used Photoshop, and now works primarily with Manga Studio 5 using customized brushes.

No one in Witchy is white. The kingdom of Hyalin is a melting pot of East Asian, South Asian and Oceanic cultures. Although Nyneve is a young adult (age 18), this series is darker than typical Young Adult novels.

Witchy won a 2015 Ignatz Award for Outstanding Online Comic and a 2016 DINKy Award for Outstanding Web Comic.

Check out the comic here, and look at Ries’ other projects here.

‘Art School’ Makes Queer, Androgynous Clothing

Androgynous fashion is in.

From Jaden Smith’s androgynous photoshoot to Zara’s new line of ungendered white t-shirts, mainstream designers are eager to make “edgy” and “progressive” designs that appeal to men, women and everyone else. But for these designers, it’s not about embracing gender fluidity and challenging society’s artificial construction of masculinity and femininity. No, it’s about selling more t-shirts.

The brand Art School hasn’t hopped onboard gender fluidity as a trend but as a way of creation. This brand specializes in non-binary fashion for queer people. Eden Loweth, the founder, says,

We’re not just trying to jump on a queer bandwagon. This is how we live and see the world.”

Art School debuted at Lulu Kennedy’s Fashion East with a stunning performance that was half catwalk, half dance show.

The models, many of whom were transgender or genderqueer, wore custom Art School designs that “celebrate the queer form.” Models sang, danced and moved freely around the performance space.

Loweth and Art School co-founder Tom Barratt focused on making transgender and gender non-conforming people comfortable in the clothing and confident showcasing their bodies to the crowd. For example, Loweth customized a gown for one of the transgender models, Josephine, because he “knows how hard it is as a trans-identified person to go out in the world and put yourself on a stage like that.”

This line is by queer people for queer people. When designing, Loweth doesn’t think about whether a garment is made for a man or a woman, a girl or a boy. He just makes things that he thinks he would like to wear.

The driving force of the line is to (re)capture and liberate the idea of “gender” from the conservative public consciousness. When asked about the importance of deconstructing gender to Art School, Loweth told i-d, “Transformation and the evolving nature of the trans body are something very close to us – we both identify at different points of the gender spectrum and this inevitably holds influence in our work.” As the transgender body evolves, so does the fashion line.

To learn more about Art School and get your hands on the latest fashion, follow Eden Loweth on Instagram.

New Documentary Explores the Lives of Trans Men

Two fierce women, LaVerne Cox and Janet Mock, spearhead the transgender woman’s movement. That’s incredible.

But when transgender men look to the media for representation, where is their Janet Mock? Where is their Caitlin Jenner?

The documentary Other Boys NYC hopes to change that. Instead of pushing one transgender man’s voice to the front, this documentary is going to push fifty.

This documentary is different from most documentaries in two ways. First, it’s serialized. The first half is released on February 25, while the second half will be released chapter by chapter one week at a time.

Oh yeah, and there are fifty chapters.

Each 5-7 minute installment focuses on a different queer and/or trans man of color living in New York City. Each chapter showcases a story about identity, sexuality, coming out or staying hidden. Today, the trans male experience is diverse, and deserves to be captured, not just so that young trans men can see themselves on the television, but also because transgender men’s voices are valid and deserve to be elevated.

The filmmaker Abdool Corlette heads up the documentary. In a recent statement, he says:

The series aims to inspire empathy and discussion through taking an intimate look at those topics as well as others like dating, family, masculinity, socio-economics, religion and career. It is an intersection of people from all races, cultures and religions.”

The docu-series will premiere on the global network Slay TV. This media platform, which debuted in July 2016, is devoted to telling the stories of queer people of color. You can stream the platform’s shows on iOs, YouTube, Android, Roku, Amazon Fire and Apple TV – you can also watch this documentary free on YouTube and on the official Slay TV website.

Why do we need more QPOC representation? Statistics show that  “in 2016, only 4.8 percent of characters on TV were LGBTQ, and an overwhelming majority — about 71 percent — of these LGBTQ characters were white. Most queer characters depicted were gay men, at 46 percent. Only 7 percent were bisexual men, and 3 percent were transgender men.”

Even if you’re not transgender, you should watch this documentary series in order to learn more about the T in LGBT and the experiences of our transgender friends. The bite-sized segments are short enough to watch anywhere, but so engaging that you won’t want to stop until you’ve finished all 50.

Catch the groundbreaking series here.

Are Lesbians Who Date Trans Men Really Lesbians?

NOTE: The opinions and statements in this article are only a summary of the views stated in the two videos below. This article has absolutely no relationship to my own views on the subject.

“Trans men aren’t really men.”

Transgender men are tired of hearing that.

Recently, two transgender men – Ryan Sallans and Sky – sat down with vlogger Arielle Scarcella to talk about their experiences with lesbians. They answered two questions: If a transgender man transitions to male while in a relationship with a lesbian, what should the lesbian do? And is a lesbian who says she “only dates women and trans men” really a lesbian?

Question 1. I’m a lesbian and my partner transitions. What do I do?

This is tricky. When your partner transitions, standing by his side isn’t always easy – he will experience physical, emotional and personality changes, for example. And if your female partner becomes biologically male, then you suddenly have to wrestle with your identity.

If you loved him as a biological woman, shouldn’t you love him as a biological man? Are you transphobic if you leave?

“It depends,” says Sallans.

According to Sallans, it comes down to the reasoning behind your decisions. If you leave your transitioning partner because his transition is straining the relationship and you’re not emotionally equipped to handle his changes, then that’s okay. However, Sallans believes that if you leave the relationship automatically without even considering attempting to date your partner in his new body, then that’s transphobic.

Question 2. I’m a lesbian who dates trans men. Am I a lesbian?

Perhaps you’re a lesbian whose partner suddenly transitioned from female to male, and you find yourself dating a man for the first time. Or perhaps you’re a lesbian who only feels comfortable dating women and transgender men. Either way, can you call yourself a lesbian?

“Call yourself whatever you want,” says Sky. “Labels are for community, not for defining love.” In other words, it doesn’t matter what you call yourself as long as you treat your partners with respect.

However, Sky reminds lesbians who date trans men that calling themselves lesbians belittles the transgender man’s identity – it implies that you don’t see him as a “real” man, since you don’t want to date cisgender (read: “real”) men.

You could have a lot of reasons for not changing your label. Coming out again is hard. Wrestling with yourself is hard. But Sky believes that if you date a trans man, then it’s worth wondering whether your lesbian label negates his male one.

For more, read “How to Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Transgender” and “What to Do If Your Partner Comes Out as Trans.”

Should You Come Out At Work?

Coming out is hard. Your parents might disown you. Your friends might shun you. Your priest might send you to reparative therapy.

And, of course, you might get fired.

Even if your family, friends and rabbi are completely okay with your sexuality, your boss might not be as forgiving. And it’s not always easy to leave the job of your dreams.

The harsh statistics:

The Human Rights Campaign found that 62% of openly LGBT college graduates hurried right back into the closest after accepting their first job.

And for good reason. Anglia Ruskin University did a study that, depressingly, found that lesbians are 5% less likely to get offered a job interview than straight women with the same skills. If you could increase your job prospects by 5% by hiding your crush on Samira Wiley, why wouldn’t you?

Bisexual women don’t get off the hook any easier. A recent study showed that bisexual women earn less than their straight counterparts. How much less? From 7% to 28%. Yes, coming out as bisexual could automatically cut your paycheck by more than a quarter because bisexual people are considered “dishonest.”

In the U.S., 28 states still allow employers to fire employees for being gay. Yes, that’s more than half, and with Trump on the throne that number is likely to rise. Ten percent of lesbian, gay and bi workers have been fired from their jobs in last five years. Read more about those studies here.

So should you come out?

Coming out is a personal choice. There’s no right time or wrong time, and even the safest of situations could turn dangerous at any moment. But repressing yourself is arguably just as dangerous to your mental health. So should you come out?

Ask yourself a few questions first:

Have your colleagues or your employer expressed homophobic or transphobic sentiments out loud?

Do you think your work environment would turn hostile if you came out?

Is this job your only possible source of financial security?

If you don’t have a backup plan, then think about setting something up, whether that’s lining up another job, planning to live on your partner’s income or moving back in with your parents. Have a plan B in case of the worst.

But the most important question of all is this:

Do you want to come out?

Don’t feel pressured to come out in the name of LGBT rights, or because you feel like you have a responsibility to be yourself. Your responsibility is to prioritize your mental health. And if you don’t want to come out, then don’t.

If you do, then check out the Human Rights Campaign’s resources on coming out while at work.

Watch ‘Firebringer’, a Hilarious Feminist Musical with Hot Lesbians

Hello, reader:

If you are here, you probably fall into one of two camps.

1) You hate musicals, but you love beautiful, funny lesbians who dance around in skimpy Flinstones outfits

Or

2) You’ve seen every gay musical in existence, including the cringe-worthy underground ones, and you’re hungry for more.

From the makers of A Very Potter Musical comes Firebringer, a side-splitting musical that you can watch for free on YouTube right now.

The musical follows a feminist clan of cavemen who discover fire and destroy their friendship in the process.

Musicals can focus on literally anything. Whether you want to watch a European Afro-jazz musical (Passing Strange), a German musical about the rise of Obama (Hope! Das Obama Musical), a Greenday concert gone awry (American Idiot) or even Shrek (Shrek), you can find it.

Still, Firebringer’s prehistoric setting still feels unorthodox.

So what makes this zany show so darn queer? (No spoilers.)

Top 5 Queer Moments in One of the Queerest Musicals Ever

5. Troublemaker Zazzalil and her queer partner-in-crime Keeri share a quick peck on the lips in the middle of a scene for no reason at all, and never address it.

4. Tiblyn, a girl who’s been holding up the sky for 27 years, has a longtime crush on genderqueer character Chorn.

3. Jemilla, the female leader of the clan, gestures to the entire audience and says, “These are my husbands and wives!” This is right after she made one of her onstage husbands cook dinner and tend to the kids.

2. In an attempt to woo Jemilla back, Zazzalil offers herself as a wife. Dancing seductively, Zazzalil whispers, “All this could be yours.”

1. In addition to marrying the entire audience as well as stand-up caveman comedian named Schwoopsie, she also marries a beautiful homemaker named Claire. They make out on stage. A lot.

If that’s not enough for you, then keep in mind that every single member of the cast, from the chief nut-gatherer to the grandmother, is very, very attractive. You won’t be able to decide which character to have a crush on. (Tibyln, when you’re done with Chorn, call me.)

Even if you’re not a musical fan, watch Firebringer, if only for its queer feminist themes, hilarious dialogue and catchy R&B numbers. Or the skimpy Flinstones costumes. Whatever works.

Meet Queer Poet-Entrepreneur Vanessa Newman

Vanessa Newman wrote internationally-acclaimed poetry, started a groundbreaking company, and now runs a dating curation studio – and she’s only 22.

How did someone so young become so successful so quickly?

She’s always been driven. As a queer, Catholic black women from the south, she had to be determined if she wanted to change her circumstances. She started a poetry blog, hai/ku/ology. She enrolled in American University, then dropped out because the extracurriculars interested her more than the expensive classes. She empowered herself to “be really black and really queer,” found freedom, and worked at a start-up with other sharp-thinking queer women of color.

After being accepted to an exclusive entrepreneurship program, she launched the company, Butchbaby & Co., which sold maternity clothes for queer, masculine of center, butch and stemme women. Elle even interviewed her.

A booming blog. A successful company. She had it all.

Then she fell apart.

She told Nylon;

I think people don’t talk about the importance of self-care enough as an entrepreneur. I think I really lost myself. It was the first time I developed anxiety ever in my life. There was a lack of funding, so [Butchbaby] ended up collapsing in itself, and I was just getting really burnt out. I didn’t know how to take care of myself. We live in a way now where it’s hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle all the time, and I really bought into that.”

After taking a break for the first time in two years, Newman reassessed what she wanted. Butchbaby was gone, but she was still passionate about issues relating to queer people.

She launched Beau and Arrow, a “date curation studio.” It’s a boutique events planning agency that specializes in low-cost, but romantic and creative, dates. Millennials deserve to have a good time without breaking their banks, and because queer millennials and millennials of color are most affected by poverty, her studio is a spiritual continuation of Butchbaby.

So what can we learn from Vanessa’s story?

  • Prioritize self-care. You never know when things may fall apart, and if they do, you don’t want to fall apart with them.
  • Don’t give up. She could have walked away from entrepreneurship after losing her company. Instead, she brainstormed and developed a company even more dynamic than the last.
  • Be creative. These days, everyone is making an app or a craft store. She looked at the sectors of the population that the market overlooked – butch women, low-income millennials – and figured out how to cater to them.

What’s next for Vanessa? The sky is the limit.

Follow her adventures on her official website.