This is probably one of the biggest questions I come up against as a Coach; How do I get the spark back with my partner?

Type the question into Google and you’ll get 14,100,000 results in less than 30 seconds. It’s crazy!

Many people identify that ‘the spark’ goes when they’re missing the following things in their relationship:

• Sex
• Physical attention such as hugs/kisses/cuddles/holding hands
• Date nights
• Effort stops and things are perceived to be too ‘routine’
• Conversations become repetitive

Any of those sound familiar? 

Don’t feel bad if they do – it’s completely normal. Relationships go through peaks and troughs, highs and lows and it’s all part of the relationship cycles. When you first started dating someone ‘the spark’ was always there and it wasn’t even a conscious choice or decision you had to make, you could just ‘feel’ it. Right? RIGHT!

That’s why many individuals get SO concerned when they no longer ‘feel’ ‘the spark’, they begin questioning the relationship, their feelings, their partners feelings and so much more. They equate what they’ve associated ‘the spark’ to be as love and whilst intense connections and amazing sex do leave us with feel good tingly parts – they’re all things that are happening to us without us consciously choosing them to occur. They’re all byproducts of lust.

Relationships change so dramatically through their duration because as the days/months/years go by you become familiar with your partner. You learn everything you need to know about them. They see you at your best/worst/in-between and you see them at theirs.

One day you’ll love everything about them and the next they’ll drive you bonkers. One minute you’ll want to rip their clothes off and have a sexathon and the next you’ll want to sit down by yourself and watch a movie.

ALONE.

IT’S HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK!

‘The spark’ was something that just came without effort in the early days, whereas now it’s something that requires a little more effort and imagination and what’s important for all couples (and those wanting to venture into a long term relationship) to know is this… 

IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL (cue the sigh of relief)

So, how about we focus on RE-CREATING AND UNDERSTANDING ‘THE SPARK’ as you want it to be now! Sound good? For sure it does! This gives you so many options and puts everything in your control (as opposed to when you originally started dating your partner and all those lusty feelings were just happening to you!).

My tips on re-creating and understanding ‘the spark’

1. Work out what produces a feeling of ‘the spark’ for you.

This might be sex, going out for a fun night, great dinner/conversation etc. Work out what it is. Once you know what it is talk to your partner about it and make them aware. Find out theirs too. Once you know this you’ll be able to focus each other’s attention on it and have some great times!

2. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and your partner

This isn’t a Holly Wood movie. This isn’t 50 Shades Of Grey. This isn’t a romance novel. This is your relationship, stop expecting to ALWAYS feel a certain way and allow yourselves to be however you are. Keep the communication channels open and encourage honesty always. Once you remove the pressure and expectation on how you think you’re ‘supposed’ to feel you’ll start to allow yourself to feel however you want!

3. Have YOU TIME

Some couples see each other all the time and spend TOO much time together. This often results in things becoming boring and routine. Why not take up a class by yourself and encourage your partner to do the same? Maybe there’s a movie you want to go see with your friends on the weekend and they want to go watch a sport? You do your thing and let them do theirs. Independence in ANY relationship is REQUIRED. It  encourages new conversations and experiences to about together and establishes new intimacy between the two of you.Don’t allow yourselves to be boring together. Complacency in relationships exists because both partners allow it. True story.

4. Encourage spontaneity

Remember when you first got together and you were up to trying everything, or maybe your partner was and now not so much. Get that person back! Go on some random adventures together, take a cooking class together, go on a hike together – just DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY! Get out of your comfort zones and experience something new as a couple. You’ll thank yourselves for doing it (and me by default for suggesting it!)

5. Communicate what you want, especially when it comes to sex

Unbeknownst to many but it is actual fact that orgasms don’t fall out of the sky and for some people they take work. When it comes to having sex with your partner it’s important to keep the communication lines open and if you have to, ask for what you want (it really isn’t a bad thing!). Talking about sex openly and honestly can really work in your favour and assist in getting you and your partner dosed up on those feel good sparky endorphins!

It’s also extremely important to communicate what you want OUTSIDE of the bedroom, allowing honesty and transparency in a relationship encourages growth, stability and security. All of these things help in alleviating worry or insecurity in a relationship and therefor allow more positive emotions to flood the brain! 

Remember, just because you don’t feel giddy about your partner 24/7 like you did when you first got together doesn’t necessarily ring alarm bells for you to jump ship. It just means your relationship is changing, growing and evolving (like it’s supposed to).