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Q: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know What She Wants

Dear KitschMix,

To provide background: I am 23, graduating college in couple months, and she is 25. We’ve been together almost 3 years.

Just recently we split up, she cried and said she loved me, cared about me. But she said she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be committed longer and was very confused about everything. Wasn’t sure if she is even meant for a relationship, stuff like that.

We’ve been split up for two weeks now, and I’m not sure if it’s significant but all her social media still has me on it. I can feel she cares, but she says she can’t commit right now until she works through this.

So last my friends convinced me last night to text her and ask for a definite answer, she said she didn’t know and I asked again, she said “I guess no since you can’t understand I have no idea”. I then mistakenly posted something on my Twitter about people walking out and she texted me **** off. She said it’s not easy for her and she has to do this for her. I waited a little while and called her, that didn’t go too well. She just told me everything she already has, she’s confused, she doesn’t know, but loves me and misses. I apologized and told her I’d be there. I also sent a message this morning apologizing and telling her to do what she needs to do to be happy.

I’m pretty torn up, I can feel she really cares, but I’m confused about what she’s going through. My question is, does it sound like there is any hope of her realizing?

Hello reader, and thank you for writing in with this. Your lady seems like she is having a hard time understanding where she is in her life right now. Unfortunately, she is completely right – it’s something she needs to do for herself, and no amount of pushing on your part is going to make it any easier. In fact, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that it’s making things so much worse.

I know you’re doing it from a place of love, but let me fill you in on the other side. I’ve had severe anxiety for most of my life, and every now and then I go through periods where I completely freak out about the point my life is in – whether I’m too far “ahead” or too far “behind”. (Both of those quantifiers are completely arbitrary most of the time.) I’m not saying that’s exactly what your girlfriend is going through right now, but it does seem obvious that she’s having some anxiety right now.

From the perspective of the one who does the freaking out, the best thing you can do to help her realize that you plan to stick around is to give her breathing room as she needs it. The fact that she’s keeping you up on your social media (and actually reaching out to you when you do something “wrong”) means that she wants to choose you – but she has to work through some stuff first. Please, for both your sakes, let her.

Be there for her as a friend right now, but don’t push the issue. Offer your assistance if she asks for it, and let her talk through her feelings with you if she wants to. For most people with anxiety, vocalizing the exact reason behind the problem is very difficult – and sometimes it can make the whole situation even more overwhelming. If you want her to stick around, it’s best if you don’t overwhelm her right now.

I do feel that the two of you can work past this, if you can be understanding about her situation. Anxiety of any sort can be agonizing, both for the one suffering and the people in their lives. If you don’t think you can handle waiting for her confusion to settle, it’s probably best if you walk away – it’s not fair to rush her through her self-exploration to make things more convenient for you. Be patient, and be there for her, and things will work out exactly how they’re supposed to.