Sex can be a tricky subject when it comes to someone new. Sometimes, one partner may be incredibly shy about the subject of sex, and may even put off sex for as long as possible in order to make sure the other person is “worthy” of their sexual attention. Of course, this is a generalized statement; there are a million reasons for not rushing into sex, and they are all valid.
There are others who may have sex right away – maybe even before a formal relationship is present – and they may have sexual needs that never seem to be met. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a horn dog or a pervert, it just means that they have a high sex drive.
So what happens when these two people end up in a relationship together and they must determine how to compromise their needs and desires?
Sexual compatibility is a vital part of a healthy relationship.
Just because you have a high sex drive and your partner doesn’t, doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. Sexuality is a broad spectrum and there is no single right or wrong answer. But if your needs are far apart and it’s difficult to find a compromise, you might not be right for each other.
For those with a lower sex drive, they might not understand how sex can be so important for some people – but for those on the higher end, they can’t understand why it’s not important to their partner. In a perfect world, it would be just as important to both of you – but that’s not automatic. You actually have to find someone whose needs are compatible with yours.
Sexual compatibility is often discovered after the initial attachment.
In situations where the couple doesn’t have sex right away, you might be together for quite awhile before you realize that you’re not compatible with one another. It can cause distress to the two of you – the partner who wants it less may feel that they’re unable to satisfy the one who wants it more, and the one who wants it more can fear that they’re over-sexualized.
It can be incredibly difficult to bring it up tactfully, too. After all, we are taught that sex is intimacy, and we don’t want to talk about it until we feel an intimate closeness with someone – but what if it’s too late to spare yourself then?
Sexual compatibility may change over time.
Sometimes this is referred to as “bed death”, but the truth is that most people want sex, at least occasionally. It never really “dies” – it just might go dormant sometimes.
There are a number of factors that can influence someone’s libido. For example, if they have had their sexual needs neglected for some time, many women are inclined to want it more – but then once their needs have been “caught up”, their desire may taper off. This can appear to their partner as if they are no longer interested, but the reality is that they still want to be interested, it’s just not a priority for them.
What about open relationships?
Sometimes, an open relationship may seem like the perfect answer to sexual compatibility problems. Some people choose an open relationship as a way to indulge the fantasies that their partner is unable or unwilling to offer them. Other times, people may seek an open relationship when one partner has a higher sex drive than their partner – having an “other” to have sex with can take some of the pressure off of the less sexual partner.
However, open relationships aren’t a cure-all. There is always a chance of jealousy, particularly on the end of the partner who isn’t getting as much out of it. If the partner who wants it less finds themselves having more sex with their “other”, for example, the partner with the higher sex drive may feel that they are to blame. Other times, the person who wants it less may have a hard time understanding why they’re not enough for their partner.
Open relationships definitely aren’t for everyone, and they should be based on honesty. There is a difference between an open relationship and “dating around”, and those specifics must be worked out between you and your partner, should you decide to take on the challenge.
Should we just break up?
Well… Maybe. If the partner with the higher sex drive is inflexible with their sexual demands, or the partner with the lower sex drive is inflexible with their sexual willingness (and neither wants to share), it might be easiest to just step away.
It should be noted that just because you aren’t sexually happy with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be sexually satisfied. The truth is that everyone has different needs and wants, and just because we want to be compatible with someone doesn’t mean we always will be. Sometimes, we’re just not right for each other.
What if we’re in love?
Of course, if you’re in love with your partner, but not willing to compromise on your sexual agreement (whatever it may be), it’s likely that at least one of you will be miserable. Holding onto someone you’re not compatible with increases the likelihood of cheating, as we tend to seek out someone who will meet our needs if they are not being met.
This isn’t to say that your relationship is automatically doomed. The partner who wants sex more can try to find another outlet to channel their sexual frustrations, although nothing is guaranteed. The partner who wants sex less is free to try and “push” themselves to want it more – but again, there are no guarantees.
It can be incredibly difficult to modify your habits, and even harder to modify your desires. We are usually not in control of the things we want, only the things we do to get the things we want. This means that changing our demands is often a lengthy process. It’s likely to wear you out and bring you down. But if it’s important enough to you to push through, you will find a way that works for you.