Finding out that your partner has been faking her orgasms is one of the most embarrassing things that could happen in a relationship.
The person who was faking is embarrassed, because she’s been caught in an act. The person who caught her is embarrassed, because she thought she was doing a better job.
Since both people are a little humiliated by the ordeal, it can be really difficult to talk about the underlying causes.
While talking to your partner is the most effective and reliable way to understand your own particular situation, we’ve collected a few of the most common reasons why someone might fake it. Of course, it’s also possible that she’s not that into you – but, that reason doesn’t happen nearly as often as our performance anxiety might make us think.
Which of these do you think is true in your situation?
She’s trying to further stimulate herself (or you).
It’s been encoded into our DNA for thousands and thousands of years (if not a lot longer than that) to be sexually aroused when we hear sex noises – even if they’re our own sex noises, or obviously fake sex noises, and yes, even our own obviously fake sex noises. Many women will fake sexual gratification in order to bring themselves closer to a real orgasm, or to get their partner more into the act.
She doesn’t know what she likes.
Less experienced women who don’t quite know what they want yet might go along with whatever their partner suggests, out of paranoia that they’re “supposed” to like what their partner does all the time. Maybe she’s not inexperienced, but she’s never had a partner who cared about her sexual satisfaction – this, too, can cause her to not know what she likes.
She’s never had a real orgasm.
Many women suffer from some type of female anorgasmia – a condition in which the woman is unable to reach orgasm through sexual stimulation. There are varying levels of anorgasmia that range from occasional difficulties reaching climax, all the way to complete anorgasmia, where the person would have never had an orgasm in their life, even through masturbation.
She’s not comfortable discussing her sexual desires.
Even though the world at large is becoming a much more sex-positive place, there are still many women who don’t feel comfortable discussing the things they want in the bedroom – even with their own partners. It may be necessary to start building up trust and confidence in the other areas of your relationship, before you begin asking her specifically what she wants. In many cases, if someone isn’t ready to talk about sex, they’re not actually ready to have sex, though, so proceed with caution.
She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Often, women who have previously been in abusive relationships are used to the expectation that things have to be done according to their partner’s wishes. Even though you don’t treat her the same way her ex does, she’s afraid of upsetting you with the truth that she’s not getting off. Perhaps she had an ex who made her feel like it was her fault that she couldn’t orgasm. No matter what the original cause, she thinks that it’s better to fake an orgasm than risk seeing you upset.
She thinks she has to.
Many women who have trouble reaching orgasm feel a lot of guilt about it. She may be embarrassed that she’s taking as long as she needs to, or she might be conditioned to think that orgasms are a required part of sex. It’s important that you let her know that you’re not going to be upset if she can’t get there, and that you’re in it for her – not because you want to take shortcuts. It might take a long time to break her out of the ways she’s been conditioned, but if you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm, you need to let her know that it’s not your only focus.