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Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

Quick back story – we met through work about a year and a half ago, but we never really hung out as closer friends until this spring.

Some of my friends would comment every now and again that I should ask her out on a date. I always knew she was bisexual however from what I can tell she hasn’t had a serious relationship with another woman. I’ve always been super attracted to women however due to a number of reasons, never really acted upon it. Also I couldn’t really picture me dating her at the time, it just didn’t make sense.

We’ve been spending more time together lately and it’s been cool, ya know? I’m moving away soon so I figured it was kind of natural to get a little closer. Last month we went to a queer dance party and she had way more to drink than I realized. We were chilling on a couch, and I was feeling more affectionate than usual and I started rubbing her neck and scratching her head. And then she looked at me and I realized right fucking then “Oh fucking christ, ____’s so beautiful. ” and I also realized she wanted to kiss me. So I let her and immediately felt weird for letting my drunk friend kiss me while I was mostly sober. So I made her get her jacket and walked her home.

So that’s when I started seriously considering what had never occurred to me until that night: “Could I date ____? Would that even work? Do I want to risk this great friendship?”

Anyways, she doesn’t remember it, and I never brought it up after because there was no real point. HOWEVER. This past Tuesday we got really drunk at this bar and uhh I don’t know I just remember kissing her on the shoulder because I couldn’t bear to kiss her on the mouth, and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Blah blah blah we went back to her place, we hooked up, and the next morning I went to work with a crazy hangover. We’ve been texting since then, and it doesn’t feel awkward or anything.

I keep running in circles over whether or not to ask her to “talk about it” and risk making what time I have left with her awkward. I also feel like if I don’t talk about it, I’m going to lose a real chance to find out whether or not she would date me.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but if you want to know – you’ve got to risk the awkwardness and ask. If things aren’t awkward now, it’s entirely possible that they’ll remain comfortable even when you talk about it. There’s nothing that says that things have to be weird when you hook up with a friend.

In fact, if you think about it, the best relationships often grow from friendships. Why should we feel awkward if this happens to us? There’s always going to be that chance that the two of you are meant to be. Even if neither of you has had a serious relationship with a woman before (even though you have no actual evidence that this is the case on her end) – everyone starts somewhere. There’s always a first time, and if you’re this drawn to her, this could be your chance for a first time!

The most important thing to remember in this situation is that the two of you need to be honest with each other. Keep in mind that her feelings may not be returned, but you’ll still need to ask. The way the curious human mind works, we will wonder about something until we know the answer, and if it’s something as serious as what could be love, it may eat us up inside until we finally act on it!

You said you’ll be moving away soon – does this mean that you might have a chance to “break free” if the situation ends up being embarrassing? It could actually be the perfect guard, from the information you’ve given… After all, if you aren’t going to run the risk of accidentally crossing paths, you can basically get away if things go sour. Please forgive me if I misunderstood this situation!

All in all, I think it would be unwise to ignore these feelings. The fact that things have happened more than once and it seems like you are both eager to explore it should tell you that it’s worth checking into it. Please don’t hesitate to send us a follow-up message telling us how it went!

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