Often, we hear that the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. That makes a great mantra – but it may not be the best advice. Whether we choose to believe it or not, sex is a deeply psychological commitment made with someone, and the effects may last long after the escapade has ended. There are a few different reasons why this is, and to my readers, I reassure you that none of these comes from a place of judgment. (Hey, we’ve all been there before.)
1. You could become emotionally attached to this person.
It’s always a possibility that you will form an emotional bond with a person you have sex with. This certainly isn’t always a bad thing, but if the other person isn’t on the same page as you, it can be emotionally devastating. Especially if you’re still hung up on your ex – think of all the confusing emotions that could go on there!
2. She could become emotionally attached to you.
This is right on board with #1, but from the other side of the coin. It’s not really fair to lead someone on, and if you’re not honest with your hookup about the nature of the relationship, you could inadvertently break her heart. This would then put her in the position of deciding between rebounding or working on herself – it’s a never-ending cycle.
3. You could regret the decision.
Sometimes, in a moment of desperation, we are drawn to someone who we would not otherwise be even remotely attracted to. I’m not just talking about the physical aspect of a person, because generally physical appearance is not an indicator of a person’s worth. But if you typically hold yourself to high standards with the people you date, the next morning you could feel guilt and regret about the person you chose – they might not meet the standards you set for yourself.
4. Sex is better when you know a person well.
This is because of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Our bodies release this chemical during a few important times in our lives: When we cuddle with someone, when we have an orgasm, when we breastfeed (if you choose to do so), during childbirth… The list is nearly limitless, but in many cases, this bonding hormone is responsible for creating a bond. That bond, in turn, makes your body create more oxytocin in response to that person. Some women may be great in bed anyway – but think of how much better it would be if you waited until you were already bonded with her.
5. There is a chance of STDs with any new partner.
Of course, you could elect to get a full test before and after every partner (which you should do anyway). But most people won’t do this with every random hookup – many don’t even do it with the partners they’ve been with for awhile. There’s also a myth that lesbian sex is automatically “safer sex”, but this is not based in scientific fact at all.
In fact, a recent study found that oral sex could lead to cancer. Yikes!
6. You haven’t given yourself time to heal.
The idea of “rebound sex” is to replace the healing process with an “easier” method. But have you ever noticed that “easier” or “quicker” usually isn’t as effective as the long version of the process? It’s definitely not true in all circumstances, but when it comes to healing your heart, forcing yourself to get over the break-up usually doesn’t work as intended.
7. It’s not fair to the rebound.
This isn’t true in every situation, as some women don’t mind being “used” for a one-night-stand. But generally speaking, it’s not fair to a woman to use her for sex – even if she knows about the situation upfront. She might be uncomfortable with the idea, but feel like she hasn’t known you long enough to correct the situation. This really isn’t fair to either of you, and it’s a sign that you shouldn’t be having sex yet.
8. It’s usually not for the right reasons.
There are “good” reasons for sex, and “bad” reasons for sex, and for the most part, women make those decisions for themselves. However, if the reason has nothing to do with the woman you’re going to have sex with, it’s safe to say it’s wrong. You should choose your partners for sex, rather than choosing your timing for sex. It will happen when the time is right, if you have been fair to yourself and allowed yourself to grow and heal.
9. Treating sex like a race is never good for anyone.
Usually we don’t like to think of sex as a race. But if you’re in a hurry to have sex with someone else to push you past the idea of your ex, are you really helping anyone out? This is a different form of racing – and it can have negative consequences, not only for you, but also for the person you’re having sex with.
10. If you return to your partner, you’ll need to be honest.
I’m sure you’ve been there – a big fight with your partner, and she says it’s over for good. Then awhile later, you guys will decide that you didn’t actually need to break up, and you’ll give it another shot. Well, if you’ve had sex with someone during that “break” period, you owe your partner the courtesy of telling her – as you have put yourself at risk for an STD during the time apart, and it’s her right to know if you have done so. This can be a very uncomfortable conversation, so wouldn’t it be easier to avoid it until you’re completely over your ex?
11. You will quite possibly be disappointed.
There is a learning curve associated with having sex with someone. Generally speaking, women have different sexual needs, and therefore there is no single approach that works on every single woman. If your last partner took the time to get to know your body and understand exactly what you like, you could be incredibly disappointed if your new partner doesn’t do this – after all, there are no guarantees with a new partner, and if this is only meant to be a one-night-stand, she won’t have the time to learn your ins and outs and discover what works best for you.
12. The new lady could be crazy!
I’m a firm believer that all women are crazy; some just hide it better than others, or are crazy about different things. Obviously, it’s an exaggeration (what is “crazy” anyway?) but the truth is, you never know what’s going to happen when you seek out someone new – it’s probably best if you have at least an idea before you allow her inside your vagina. (I had a rebound once, when I was in high school, that ended up stalking me for the next five years… It’s actually pretty scary!)
Overall, it’s most important to fully understand your feelings, and you can’t do that without giving yourself time. Get to know yourself and love yourself first. Not only will you be a better lover, but you’ll also attract a better lover in return.
We can’t demand the world if we’re not willing to offer anything in return – and we can’t offer anything that’s not ours to give.