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Release Your Inner Dominatrix: 6 Steps to Leading the Way

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It’s a pretty popular opinion that your sex life should be… Well, sexy. There are a million different things this could mean, of course, but most women agree that an exchange of power happens in really good sex. Whether it’s one person taking complete control over the other person or a more balanced exchange, power is sexy – and this dominance in the bedroom is a fun way to play with the idea.

But sometimes, the balance of “who’s in control” can get a little… Dull.

When we do the same thing every time, it gets boring, so we need to find new ways to get our thrills.

When we think of our sexual relationships, it’s often seen as “unladylike” to be the one to initiate things. In a lesbian relationship this can create even more complications: It’s not unheard of to have two “femmes” in a relationship, nor is it unlikely that a stud could have less experience than a more feminine woman. Whether it’s assumed that you will take the lead, or it’s implied that your partner will – everyone has the power to take charge in the bedroom and be a sexy, erotic beast.

It can be quite an adjustment to go from the submissive role to the role of the aggressor, or the other way around, but if you’re looking to add a little extra to your play, it’s almost essential that you mix it up sometimes.

Here are our tips for your first time taking control of the situation!


1.    Figure out why it’s so hard for you.

Some women have a hard time taking control because they’re shy. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a great sex life, but it does present a slight problem if you want to take control. If you think you’re too shy to take control in the bedroom, you’ll need to evaluate why you lack the self-confidence in this department. (From here on out, we’ll refer to you as Group A.)

Some women buy into the whole “dominance isn’t ladylike” myth, and they think that it won’t be sexy. The fact of the matter is that this mindset is perpetuated by a patriarchal society, which – although usually polite towards feminine, ladylike girls –doesn’t generally respect them. Who’s to say you can’t be a nice girl and still enjoy hot, dirty sex? (We’ll call you ladies Group B.)

A third set of women are the ones who are simply used to being pursued, instead of doing the pursuing. That’s not a bad thing – especially if you’re here looking for advice on how to mix it up. You’ll need to decide what you think will be so different about taking control, as opposed to having your partner call the shots. Most of the time, it won’t be much different if you and your partner enjoy the same things. (Our “Pillow Princesses” will make up Group C.)

Finally, the last group of women is made up of those who are just inexperienced with sex in general, so they feel it may be best to let their partner lead the way. There’s nothing wrong with letting your partner show you the ropes, but if you have a firm understanding of the things that turn you on, you can still take control – even if you’re a virgin. (Ladies, you’ll be Group D for the remainder of this article.)


2.    Think about the things you like.

These don’t necessarily have to be things that you’ve tried – some of the fun of sex is experiencing new things, and if it’s a first for you and your partner (or if it’s something you already know she enjoys), why not give it a shot?

For Group A, it might be helpful to think of your “dominatrix” personality as the way to release all the tension and frustration that you would otherwise keep bottled up. There are many shy women who can transform into the sexiest vixens once they learn how to take control.

For Group B, this requires looking a little further than what your society and culture tells you that you should like. The most helpful way to take control without feeling like it makes you “unladylike” is to think of it as your dirty little secret. No one on earth has to know except you and your partner – and that can make it extra sexy.

For Group C, you may be interested in being in control purely because it represents something new, or maybe it’s something your partner has requested. Either way, you should try to focus on the pleasure you will be bringing to your partner – most women who take control are very aroused by the idea of making their partner beg for something they usually get without asking (so to speak). My friends in this category should consider this an opportunity to tease their partner, and themselves, before allowing the roles to “switch back” to their normal routine.

For Group D, you probably won’t know the things you enjoy yet – but that’s okay. Think about the thoughts that cross your mind when you touch yourself, and try to do those things to your partner. It won’t always be easy, but she should let you know if she’s enjoying herself – whether with her words or with her body.


3.    Avoid any surprises, if possible.

For all of my ladies reading this, it might be difficult to bring this subject up with your partner – but I assure you, it’s important that you talk it over first. There is always a chance that your partner doesn’t even want you to take control, or that she has some pointers for you. Your sexual experience is just as much about her as it is about you, after all, so it’s important that you know she’s on board with the idea too.

Group A – Talking about sex can be particularly nerve wracking for those of us who are super shy. Personally, I have a really hard time talking about what I want in the bedroom until I’m actually in the moment – so I save my sex talk for the middle of an “encounter”, or while I’m coming down from the climax afterwards. This is a time when your mind is already opened up to the idea of sex, so there’s no awkwardness about bringing it up.

Group B – Some of us may have been taught that it wasn’t right for “ladies” to talk about sex, and maybe even that “proper gentlemen” didn’t bring it up, either. It’s important to un-learn that idea when in the confines of a relationship, though – if you don’t talk about your sex life, it’s going to be horrible. Ladies and gentlewomen alike should feel free to talk about sex with their partner, because making sure your partner is happy? That’s always a respectable choice.

Group C – As I mentioned in the intro to this step, some women really aren’t into the idea of being pursued – and these are usually the women who pursue the “Pillow Princess” type in the first place. It’s possible that she experienced some abuse in the past and has issues associated with being touched – it’s vital that you know this before you proceed. Of course, some women pursue because that’s what’s expected of them, and they are usually willing to try being on the receiving end if it’s offered. The point is, you don’t know until you ask.

Group D – As long as your partner knows that you’re inexperienced (can we all vow to stop lying about our sexual history in 2016?) she should totally understand when you tell her you want to try taking control. She’ll probably give you some pointers, if she’s more experienced than you, or if she’s equally inexperienced, you two will have the chance to learn together. Just make sure you’ve got her permission first!


4.    Take your time.

In love and sex, there are no guarantees, and there are no one-size-fits-all timelines. If you’re not ready, there is no reason to push forward – and any partner who isn’t willing to respect your decision to wait is really not worth your time. (But that’s another story for another day.)

For the shy group, your partner knows you’re shy – and she most likely knows that it was difficult for you to get the courage to bring it up in the first place. You shouldn’t rush into the act of taking control until you’re sure you’re ready. (But be advised, there is never a “perfect time” – you have to create it.)

For the conservative group, the easiest time to take control might be in the middle of sex. It seems silly, but there’s something empowering about “taking over” in the middle of the act. Once you’re more comfortable with this idea, you can start unleashing your Sex Goddess mode from the beginning instead.

For the pillow princesses, your partner may give you hints about the things she likes – don’t try to rush into doing them all at once. If you’ve never given any sexual attention, consider starting with something simple like grabbing a handful of her hair while she’s going down on you. In time, you’ll probably open up more, but take it at your own pace.

For the inexperienced group, there should be no rush to try everything all at once. Introduce one or two small things at a time, and only add more when you’re comfortable with it. Rushing through all possible sexual experiences will only desensitize you to the simple things!


5.    Prepare.

Mentally prepare. Physically prepare. Get a costume if you’d like. Taking control of a situation you’ve never been in control of is almost like taking on a new character. Play it up and make it work for you!

For my shy girls in Group A, consider adding something simple, like a blindfold. This might help ease your shyness, as your partner won’t be able to see what you’re doing – and you’ll feel assured that she can’t see you blushing!

For the conservative types in Group B, we recommend going all out with a costume, and maybe even handcuffs for your partner. By creating your own alter-ego who is this hyper-sexual creature, you can separate yourself (out of the bedroom) from yourself (in the bedroom). This separation can alleviate any signs of guilt from doing something “taboo”. (Although you really shouldn’t feel guilty about the things you enjoy in the first place!)

To my princesses in Group C, it might be that you’re not used to not being stimulated during sexual activities – but rest assured, there are ways around this, as well. You can take control without being strictly a “giver” – either by sitting on your partner’s face in a traditional 69 position (and then pleasuring her as well), by sitting on a strap-on that she’s wearing (if you like penetration), or even by wearing the strap-on yourself (if she likes penetration). Many strap-ons offer a vibrating function that feels absolutely incredible, and helps to add “positive reinforcement” to the art of giving your partner pleasure.

For my inexperienced lovers in Group D, most of your preparation will be mental. As I said previously, there is no good reason to rush into every single sexual experience right away – and the easiest way to start taking control is to think of where your mind wanders. Does the thought of going down on her turn you on, or maybe the thought of using toys? There are no wrong answers here, as you are still exploring your own desires. If your partner has given you her own tips or requests, it’s always a good idea to try these things – as long as they’re something you’re comfortable with, too.


6.    Go for it!

No matter which group you’re in, go for it! The only way to know if it’s something that gets your juices flowing is to try it. You’ve mapped out the perfect plan, now set your plan into motion and reap the wonderful, pleasurable benefits. You’ve earned it!


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