Signs She’s Not Ready To Settle Down Yet

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There are a lot of undue stigmas surrounding single life. While we’re taught to embrace our single-ness, it also seems like there’s a “deadline” when you’re supposed to be over the idea of being single. It seems so arbitrary that, one year, you’re supposed to resent the idea of getting married, otherwise you’re “settling”, and then the very next year, you’re supposed to go into die-hard wifey mode.

I, for one, don’t buy it.

I don’t think there should be a specific deadline for when you “have” to be ready to be a wife. And, in fact, settling down before you’re actually ready is probably a bad idea more often than it’s a good one. (I’m not saying that “accidental settling” doesn’t ever have a happy ending – sometimes it does. But it’s most likely the exception.)

Truthfully, the whole idea of a “designated” time for settling down is based on the so-called biological clock. But these days, not everyone wants kids, and many of us who do want kids don’t plan to be genetically related to them (or at least, we don’t feel the need to be genetically related to them). Aside from that, the modern medical technology has come so far that all the issues that once were associated with “late parenting” are pretty much nonexistent. Yes, there are still risks – but miracles happen every day.

The only real issue with the differences in “commitment age” is that no one reaches that point at exactly the same time. It’s not necessarily a death sentence for your relationship if you and your partner don’t agree, but it can make things complicated.

How do you know if your partner isn’t as ready as you are?

She’d rather go to a keg party than a dinner party.

I’m definitely not saying that you can’t party and be the wifey type. It’s definitely possible. But it shouldn’t be assumed that this is the case. If the only family she’s interested in right now is her Sims family – and you’re not even her wife on the game – chances are, she’s not ready to be anything more than just a girlfriend right now.

She hates the idea of “checking in” with you.

Let’s be clear here, too: Even if you are married, you don’t really have the right to demand that she check in with you all the time. But she should be willing to offer up at least a basic description of her plans. If your questions about where she’s going on a Friday night are met with “None of your business”… She’s probably not ready to settle down. (Although, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s cheating, either, just so you know.)

Her best friend is an ex.

It’s possible to be friends with your ex. It’s also possible to be best friends with an ex. But if she’s ready to settle down, most likely, you’re going to be her best friend – or, at the very least, it’ll be someone she’s never had sex with. If that’s not the case, then maybe she’s not ready to commit. There should be boundaries in the relationship, and they shouldn’t be imposed or enforced by you – they should come from her. If she refuses to let go of a friendship that makes you uncomfortable (and you have a legitimate reason to be uncomfortable), she’s not ready to be tied down.

She tells her friends about problems in your relationship, but she won’t tell you.

This one might be hard to track or prove, but if her friends don’t like you, and you’ve done nothing wrong, chances are, she’s venting to them and masquerading as happy when it’s just the two of you. After all, admitting there’s a problem means working to fix it, and that means dragging out a relationship that, in her mind, isn’t going anywhere.

Her family doesn’t know about you.

If you two have been together for a while and she’s not ready for you to meet her family – or she’s keeping you a secret from them – it might be a sign that she’s not ready to commit. Of course, in the queer community, it’s also a possibility that she’s not out to her family, but very rarely does someone keep a full separation from their family and their love – so if her family doesn’t even know she’s seeing anyone, she probably isn’t all the way invested in the relationship.

She doesn’t have any interest in meeting your family.

If you’ve invited her to meet your family and she always has an excuse why she can’t, it’s possible that she doesn’t want to get “that serious”. Of course, that’s not to say that meeting the family means you two are definitely going to get married, but there are some implied expectations when you “bring someone home”. And if she refuses to be “brought home”, there’s probably a reason.

Her finances are a secret, and she wouldn’t dream of having a joint bank account.

Let me say that not every relationship involves shared finances. There are definitely situations where someone would want to keep some of their money separate, even when married. Otherwise, a prenup would not be a real thing. But if she feels you have no rights to even know how she manages her bills, and she’d never ask for help if her finances were a bit slim – or offer help if yours were – then there’s a good chance she doesn’t take the relationship very seriously.

She’s cheating on you.

Another clarification may be in order. I fully understand that polyamorous marriages exist, and for the right people, they work out quite well. But there is a huge difference between an open relationship and a cheater, namely that one involves secrecy while the other involves complete honesty. If you’re not sure where the lines in your own relationship stand, and she has no desire to stop sleeping with other people… Well, pushing her to commit isn’t going to help that, it’s going to make it worse.

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