How To Start Asking For What You Really Want In Bed (And In Life)

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Are you struggling to be satisfied in the bedroom? We often think of things that are missing, but we hesitate to say anything about them because we’re worried about what our partners will think. Obviously, if she’s there with you, she wants to be, but there are some things that make us really, really nervous.

Sadly, the same inhibitions we hold in the bedroom often carry over to the rest of our lives, too. We suppress the desire to ask for a raise, because we’re concerned that we’ll appear greedy. We resist the urge to dress comfortably when we go out, because we’re afraid someone will see us and think we’re bums. I’m here to tell you that you need to pursue the things you want – starting today!

And, best of all, I’m about to tell you how.

Give yourself permission to get what you want.

It might seem silly to give yourself permission for something like this, but the truth is that many people are afraid to speak up about what they want because they feel like they’re already getting everything they deserve. This type of subconscious programming might come from your insecurities, or the way other people talk to you, or it might even come from a desire to stay humble. No matter what your reasons are for denying yourself, you need to give yourself permission to explore the things you want.

You can’t get what you want unless you ask, and you won’t be able to ask until you feel like you deserve the happiness. I probably give myself explicit permission to do something at least once a week. This week’s permission is actually written straight into my planner: “Give yourself permission to create, just for the sake of creating.” It’s going to feel really weird the first few times, but it’s the first step in reaching any goal you have. (Although for those who have mastered it, this step is entirely subconscious – the goal is to get to that point.)

Be fair about it.

Just because you deserve to be happy, doesn’t mean that your partner is under any obligation to fulfill your fantasies and desires. If you want something that makes her uncomfortable, you need to respect that and not push the issue. In any situation where sex is involved, all parties need to be really, really happy to be there. One of the mantras I’ve been hearing a lot lately is that, if it’s not a “hell yes”, it’s a no.

The upside to this is that you’re not obligated to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, either. You should try to work with her fantasies and fetishes as much as is reasonable for you, but neither of you should push yourself into something you’re really not sure about. Don’t try to rush into things – if she really loves you, she’ll be willing to take things slowly. And on that note…

Ease into things.

If your fetishes and fantasies are way out there and your partner is pretty sweet and demure in the bedroom, you probably want to take things in baby steps. Let’s say you’re into bondage, but your partner has only ever had sex with the lights and clothes all the way off. Start slowly by bringing in a blindfold, and perhaps some furry handcuffs. Once you’re both comfortable with the level things are at, step it up a little. Don’t try to take too much at once, or you’ll overwhelm her and freak her out.

It’s the same with the rest of your life, too – you can’t expect to jump head-first into something you’ve never done before, and instantly find your footing. You need to break things down into smaller, more manageable steps, and it’ll be easier to take each additional step.

Think about her needs, too.

In many cases, your sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled because you and your partner aren’t talking about them enough. Remember that there’s a good chance her needs aren’t being filled either, and talk to her about what she thinks is missing. In some cases, the things she was afraid to ask for might even be some of the things that you wanted – why don’t you talk more, too?

In the rest of your life, it’s important to consider other people, too. You should keep yourself a priority, of course, and don’t let others walk all over you, but when you make yourself helpful to others, they’re more likely to help you out in return. Sometimes you need to open yourself up to the idea of giving before getting. (And if that isn’t an easy innuendo for sex, I don’t know what is.)

Make it worth her while.

Along with being fair and generous, you need to make your fantasies and fetishes as easy for her to participate in as possible. If she’s nervous, make sure she knows she’s in control of the situation. If she’s self-conscious, let her pick the setting so that it makes her the most comfortable. You want her to enjoy herself, too – if either partner is unsatisfied, it’s bad sex. (And if you were satisfied and your partner wasn’t, it’s at least partially your fault.)

Outside of the bedroom, it’s still a lot easier to get help when you’re helpful. Long-term sustainable happiness comes most from the times we’re helping others, so make sure that everyone who helps you is also getting something out of the deal. You don’t need to shortchange yourself, but you should make sure things are fair.

Don’t push the issue.

Generally speaking, a “maybe” has a chance of turning into a “yes” – but a “no” doesn’t have that same chance. Just remember – just because there’s a chance doesn’t mean you should bug her about it. Bugging your partner for sex, or for a particular type of sex, is actually more likely to prevent her from wanting it – after a certain point (which is different for everyone), it’ll start to feel like an expectation or an obligation. That’s not what you want – you want her to choose to participate in this with you.

Likewise, in the rest of your life, you need to know what things are worth pushing for, and what things need to be let go. In most cases, a no is always going to stay a no. A maybe or a not right now has a chance of turning into a yes, but it doesn’t really work out that way. Try to keep things in perspective, and only push for the things you consider a need – not just a want. Learn to accept “no” gracefully.

Understand that your desires can change.

Just because you want something right now doesn’t mean that you’ll still want it after you’ve tried it. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve had a partner fulfill a fantasy of mine, and I found out I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would. By the same token, it’s possible that you’ll start off objecting to a particular fantasy, and eventually grow to love it. I recommend trying new things as often as possible, and communicating often to make sure you’re on the same page.

Outside of the bedroom, you should evaluate your dreams and desires often. Humans are creatures of habit, so we often pursue things even after they no longer give us joy, just because it’s easier to keep doing the same thing. Stop doing that! Evaluate your dreams, your hopes, and desires on a regular basis, and if you’re not happy with where your life is headed, make some changes! It’s easier to change before you start to feel dejected, trust me.

Remember that it doesn’t always affect everything else.

Fixing issues in your sex life is a great place to start, but it’s not going to fix the problems in the rest of your relationship. If there’s mistrust or infidelity in the relationship, sex is probably the least of your issues. (No matter what anyone says, “bad sex” is not an excuse for cheating – period.)

In the rest of your life, the same definitely applies. Sure, the various aspects of our lives are often interconnected, but they’re not so connected that you can magically fix everything all at the same time. Working out the kinks in our life is often a long, drawn-out process, and it really never ends – there are always things that could be better, or things that we wish hadn’t happened. All you can do is remember to keep things in perspective, and don’t take things too seriously. Very rarely are things actually as bad as they seem, so keep your chin up!

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