I’m no stranger to the idea of having two girlfriends. When I was a teenager, I often refused to commit myself to a single woman, preferring instead to keep my options open. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages, but usually (in my experience) there are more problems created than problems solved by this type of arrangement.

As a bit of a disclaimer, I do not think that anyone should ever be dishonest with the person they’re dating. If you’re not being exclusive, I beg you to not let any of the women you’re involved with think that you are. It’s not only hurtful, but it can cause its own subset of problems. For the purposes of this article, I am going to assume that the women you’re involved with know about each other – because they should.

This also applies to the idea of dating a man and a woman simultaneously (for my bisexual ladies). It may work for some people, but here are a few reasons it doesn’t really work for me.

There will be jealousy.

If there is any part of the relationship that involves deeper feelings than just sex, there is going to be jealousy from one of the partners. Even sometimes if there’s only sex, someone is going to get their feelings hurt, and there’s not a lot you can do about that.

Some women might not feel jealous of other women, and I applaud you. We shouldn’t really feel jealous of each other, because from a fundamental standpoint, we are all equal. But just because we “should be” equal doesn’t mean that jealousy can be kept away that easily.

If you’re trying to date more than one person at a time, you’ll have to anticipate at least one of those people being jealous about the situation. This even extends to “committed open relationships”; even if we do not “allow” ourselves to feel jealous, the part of the brain that controls this particular emotion is not easily shut off.

There will be confusion.

At some point in time, there’s going to be the question of which person means more to you. Whether this is because of one of the women giving you an ultimatum, or it’s a result of your heart becoming attached to one (or both) of them, this confusion is likely to cause pain – not only for you, but also for your partners. This can even be true for the one you “choose” in this situation.

Even if you keep the confusion to yourself, there will likely be a question in the mind of the people you’re dating as to who you feel more attracted to, more attached to, more turned on by… Well, you get the picture.

This confusion isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as it’s important that we question our motives when it comes to life, love, and everything else. But if your confusion begins to take over, you might have to take a step back from both women – which will likely cause even more pain.

There will be competition.

A little competition is healthy in life. It motivates us to do better, to be better, and to aim higher. But if the women you’re seeing are too competitive in respect to each other, this can be dangerous. Sometimes this competition will result in someone feeling inferior, or someone getting seriously hurt (like physically hurt – some women can get violent when they’re jealous!).

Of course, this competition and jealousy can lead to even more confusion. After all, it’s hard to quantify our emotions, and just because we know someone is the “better” choice doesn’t mean that’s the person we’re going to pick. We might end up settling, in one way or another.

There will be a back-up plan.

This sounds like a good idea, sure. As someone with occasional severe anxiety, the idea of having a Plan B is hugely reassuring. But a quick look from the other side of things can show just how dangerous this “back-up plan” thing really is. After all, how would you feel to know that you were someone’s back-up plan? Chances are, this is how your back-up plan will feel – and she might reject your offer to be second choice.

No woman wants to feel like a booby prize, or at least not any woman with self-respect and self-confidence. Being a runner up is no fun for her, especially if you are that person’s first choice.

There will be doubts.

When and if you do choose one of these women, there will always be the question in her mind as to whether she was the first choice or the second choice – and that can make the exclusivity more difficult once it comes up. We would like to think that, once we make a choice, we’ll be confident in it – but that’s not always the case.

You’ll doubt yourself, too. You’ll wonder if you made the right choice. You’ll wonder if it even makes a difference. Most of all, you’ll wonder about what it all means. I’m not saying there’s never a “good reason” to be with two people at once, but you’ll need to understand what you’re getting yourself into before you get yourself into it.

There are an infinite number of types of love that you can have for a partner. Even the same partner can embody a number of different feelings within you, and sometimes they certainly will.

What does it mean if the same person keeps re-entering your life, and re-establishing themselves as your OTL (one true love)?

Well, maybe it means there’s something to it.

They prove that change is an obstacle, but not a deterrent.

All relationships go through changes, and sometimes these changes can end the relationship. But if a love has returned to you, even though the situation has changed, it’s possible that – just maybe – this love is meant to stand the test of time. It’s possible that you’re changing in the same direction, which isn’t so much “change” as it is “growth”.

Growth is good – great, even. And if your love for a person is not going to stop just because the situation has changed, it’s likely that you’ll stand up for your love and prove that it’s worth the test of time.

They test your patience, and you win.

When you love someone, you’re bound to get frustrated. You’ll be irritated, mad, or even downright pissed off, depending on the circumstances. But you don’t give up, because your love is more important to you than your pride.

Of course, if someone seems to be doing nothing but making you mad, it may be necessary to re-evaluate things and decide if the pain is worth the happiness. This can be hard to overcome, but for those who find themselves unable to give up hope, it might be worth it to keep hanging on.

They surprise you, in all the right ways.

Just when you thought you were finally getting over your ex, they’re right back at your door, pleading to give the love another chance. When you’re about to walk away for good, they pull you in close, give you a long, slow kiss, and make you wonder why you ever wanted to leave in the first place.

This “coming back” is not always a good thing – and in fact, some may use it as a tool of manipulation. But if you are able to see through the problems and continually find new things to be excited about – this is the best type of surprise. When you expected them to let you down, they raised you up. When you expected disappointment, you were given everything you were hoping for. Maybe it’s a dream, but it can’t hurt to think of the positives.

They refuse to quit.

If your love refuses to end, there’s probably a reason why – it’s possible that the reason is the person is meant to be in your life. I’m a firm believer in destiny, so I think that each person stays in your life for exactly as long as they’re meant to.

For loves that refuse to quit, this means that you’re not done learning what the relationship is meant to teach you. You might not always agree with the message sent, but you can’t deny that there is a message there. If you haven’t learned it yet, you can’t move forward.

In some situations, forcing yourself forward is best – for example, a love with someone who doesn’t value you enough to be honest with you, or who doesn’t respect you enough to be good to you. But of course it’s a two-way street; you should be getting what you give, at least in a basic sense.

That’s not to say that relationships are 50-50. They’re never really 50-50 until it comes to dividing the assets after the fact (and even then, it’s rarely cut straight down the middle). A healthy relationship involves both people giving 110% at all times – but if you’re not both giving it, someone is going to be unhappy.

Even in some cases where the relationship starts a bit unhealthy, it can grow into something more – and this is how exes as a rebound can happen. Sometimes, the thought of actually losing someone who we thought we would never lose is enough to kick us in the pants and get our heads in the right place. Sometimes, we find magic in the darkest of places. Sometimes things are just meant to be and you can’t escape that, no matter how hard you try.

They’re inexplicably perfect for us.

I was involved in a long-term on-and-off relationship for 7 years – which is a really long time given my age. Looking back on the relationship now, I wish I hadn’t let it drag out as long as I had, but there was a reason that I kept going back to her. No matter how much pain she put me through, she was my first love – and I still think of her quite often (although not as fondly as I once did).

For those on the outside, it’s almost impossible to understand what draws us back to a partner when it has already shown that it won’t work out. The constant cycle of break-up, make-up, break-up again is dizzying to those involved – and just as much for those observing. Having been on the other side as well (one of my best friends really ought to divorce her lying husband, but I know she won’t) makes you want to grab these people by the shoulders and shake them violently until they realize that they’re only prolonging their pain.

But when you’re in one of these relationships, it can be hard to let go. As I said previously – this usually means that you haven’t learned the lesson yet. It’s important that you come up with a “last straw” scenario that will be the end of it, and stick to your plan if that ever happens. In my example, the last straw was when she became physically abusive toward me – that’s a definite deal breaker. But your deal breaker may be different. Maybe even less severe. If your perfect person is no longer perfect, in a meaningful way, you should let go.

Does this mean you’ll get over your love right away? Probably not – and possibly not ever. Love is complicated, after all, and there’s no way to determine what will happen in the future. But if you pay attention to the signs, you’re less likely to fall for the same things when they come up again, and you can decide for yourself if it’s worth investing more time or not. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s not – not every relationship is meant to last forever.

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In the dating world, there are a million people with a million and one different opinions. The funny thing about the internet is that you can almost always find someone who’s willing to agree with you – that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re right, even if you’re in the majority.

What are some examples of “bad habits” in relationships and dating that are often considered “good advice”? These things usually come from people who mean well, but maybe don’t know enough about the situation to actually be helpful. You can’t advise someone if you don’t have all the information, and unfortunately it’s almost impossible to have all the information.

It’s important to realize that there are three sides to every story: Your side, the other person’s side, and the truth. This is true in pretty much any relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a family situation, or even a romantic relationship. It’s important that we try to give the truth whenever we can – which requires us to look inside ourselves and acknowledge our flaws. This is especially true when you’re seeking advice.

What are some things that are passed along as “helpful advice” that are rarely helpful, and why do people pass these things along if they aren’t true?

Advice: You should stay together for the kids.

Obviously, any time there are kids involved, a situation automatically becomes more complex and difficult. Many people advocate for families to stay together “for the kids” even if they might be unhappy together or even unhealthy for each other. This is a load of crap.

This advice usually comes from people who value the family unit, and give it the ultimate priority in things. It’s well-intentioned advice that often misses its mark. Take it from a child of a so-called “broken” home: Your kids don’t want you to be miserable for them.

If your kids are young, it may be difficult for them to adjust to the idea of their parents splitting up. But as they grow up, they will be able to see that you are unhappy together, and they may assume that it’s their fault. If you’re staying together just because you have kids with this person, you’re making it the kids’ fault, and that’s not fair to them.

If you are worried about splitting up at a specific time because it could interfere with something going on in your child’s life, this is different. For example, the family breaking apart while your kid is in the middle of finals might cause them to bomb their finals. But this doesn’t mean you should stay together indefinitely because it’s inconvenient.

We, as humans, are always trying to find the “easy” way to do things. We tell ourselves that we’re just going to wait until the “right time”, whether it’s something good or something bad. But the truth is, there is never going to be a “right time”. Life is complicated, and things can change any day – you shouldn’t stay with someone who makes you unhappy just to save your kids from confusion.

I understand that your children’s happiness is often more important than your own. But when you make yourself miserable for the sake of simplifying things for your child, the message you’re sending them is relationships are not about being happy. Is this something you want them to practice as an adult?

Advice: You can’t find love if you’re looking for it – so stop trying.

This bit of advice is usually wrapped around the idea that you have to have your own interests before you can be happy in a relationship. And if it were worded that way, it would actually be really good advice. But to say that you shouldn’t look for love is a bit ridiculous. After all, if you’ve got your walls up, you’re not going to find love, either.

You can date while still being single. In fact, it’s a good thing! You can do your own thing, have some fun on your own, and still look for a partner. There’s no real rule that says you have to be 100% perfect in order to attract someone. It doesn’t work like that. No human is capable of true perfection, and if you wait until you’re “ready”, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with working on yourself and looking for love at the same time. It shouldn’t be the focus of your life – you need balance. But don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not going to meet the love of your life if you’re trying to find her. The unexpected can happen at any time, and yes, that includes finding love when you may have been looking for dinner and a movie.

If you won’t let love into your life, what you’re saying is I’m not good enough for a partner. This is absolutely not true (in most cases). You are worthy of love, even if you’re not “ready” for it.

Advice: If you can’t find love, you should lower your standards.

“Standards” are a silly thing when you really think about it. I mean, everyone claims to have them – but it’s important to understand that standards and criteria are not always the same thing. There’s this assumption that they are, and this can lead to unnecessary pain when someone doesn’t meet them, on one side or the other.

Our standards refer to the things we want for ourselves. These are not material things (or at least, they shouldn’t be) and they’re not things you should compromise. Standards deal with your core values, which are things you’re unlikely to change – your ideal partner should align with your core values. Your standards relate to the things you truly deserve in your relationship. You have every right to want honesty, stability, respect, and maturity from your partner – and you have every right to reject a partner who doesn’t have these things to offer you.

Our criteria are something else. This usually refers to preferences, rather than demands. Your criteria could be someone with a high-paying job, their own car, a college degree, red hair… These things will often have to be compromised. You can’t really expect to find a woman that’s exactly what you’re looking for. It’s much better to sacrifice a preference than it is to sacrifice your core values. This is particularly true if you have “shallow” criteria. These things should be considered a perk and not a requirement.

If you sacrifice your standards in order to meet your preferences, the message you’re sending is I value looks and success more than I value my own beliefs. Most likely, this isn’t actually true – so you shouldn’t run your relationship this way.

Advice: Hit up a group to find someone new.

There are some people who recommend checking out events that you have no interest or reason to be involved with (such as an AA meeting if you’re not an alcoholic, or a hockey game if you’re not a fan) in order to meet new people and expand your social or romantic circle.

This advice comes from the idea that the people you have less in common with will probably be hiding somewhere you haven’t looked yet. Of course! But do you want to know why that’s bad advice? Because the people you meet at these places will be meeting a fake version of yourself. Do you really want to be the person who lies in order to get that first date?

It might seem like a little white lie, and I guess in many ways it is. But if you start your relationship with a lie, the urge to lie more can (and usually will) pop up. You may feel obligated to continue being this fake person that you’ve created for this individual. This is, generally, a terrible idea.

No one wants to be with someone fake – not even someone else who’s fake. If you’re acting in order to get with someone, you’re basically saying It’s more about having a relationship than being myself. If you have to lie or change a big part of yourself in order to be with someone, they’re not the right person for you. Pure and simple.

Advice: Taking the next step will fix all your problems.

Some people think that getting married, or having a baby, or moving in together (or all three) is going to fix all the problems they have in their relationship. This is dangerous thinking, particularly if children are involved. Using any of these relationship “steps” when you’re not actually for them can have disastrous consequences.

The people who pass along this advice are operating under the assumption that these things are bonding activities – and they are, when they are used in a relationship that is solid. But if your relationship is lacking, the extra stress from any of these things (because they are all stressful events) can make the situation even worse – not better.

The idea that moving in together will fix your problems is confusing for those of us who have actually lived with a partner before. After all, when you move in with someone, you’re combining more stuff, more people, and less space. You’ll lose a portion of your autonomy. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you’re already having problems, it can add extra strain to an already hectic situation.

Having a baby to fix a problem is, essentially, just as bad as staying together for the kids – because they come from the same place. A baby will not magically fix things, and it can add a lot of extra stress to the situation. You’ll have less sleep, more responsibilities, less privacy, less time to spend being romantic with your partner… Oh, and you’ll be tied with your partner, at least loosely, for the child’s life. (That is, unless one partner withholds the child from the other partner – which is pretty messed up. It’s not your kid’s fault that your relationship failed – do not punish the child for the actions of its other parent.)

Getting married is also a hugely stressful time, and it’s supposed to be a statement of your love and commitment to one another. Therefore, why anyone would want to marry someone that they’re not absolutely head-over-heels for is beyond me. Planning a wedding is incredibly stressful, even if you are happy together, and if you’re not, you’re just inviting trouble.

The idea that any of these things can “fix” problems is to believe that they are the goal of the relationship. By trying to force yourself past a problem by skipping ahead, you’re saying I want the happy ending whether it’s actually happy or not. Life is not a fairy tale, and not every relationship is meant to go the distance. Don’t trap yourself with someone because you think it’ll solve your problems – it won’t.

Advice: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Most people aren’t completely faithful in every relationship they’re in. For some of us, we spent some time unhappy with men before realizing that we’d be better with women – and occasionally there may have even been some overlap between the two. Does that mean that we won’t ever be faithful to anyone? Not necessarily.

This advice often comes from the mindset of “slut-shaming”, which comes from the idea of penalizing people for liking sex. (Hello, most of us like sex – what’s the difference?) But the truth is, you can be unhappy in one relationship, and it has no effect on relationships after that one.

The only real problem is if someone doesn’t learn from their mistakes. Obviously, cheating is widely considered bad – but the definition of cheating is different for everyone, too. Just because someone was unable to meet the demands of one partner doesn’t automatically make them a “slut”, and it doesn’t mean that they don’t have the capability to do better in the future. Things happen sometimes, and while cheating is never an accident, it can be a mistake that we learn from.

The idea that a cheater will always be a cheater is no different than thinking that someone who was cheated on once will be cheated on again. It just doesn’t hold up. Just because it’s true sometimes doesn’t make it “a truth” – although if you cheated in your last relationship, it may be worthwhile to go out of your way to prove that it’s not going to happen again.

Another point worth mentioning is that the temptation to cheat is a sign that we’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign from your mind (and sometimes your heart) that you shouldn’t be with that person. While it’s easier on everyone’s feelings if you wait until you break up to start looking for someone new, the last person being wrong doesn’t mean that the next person is wrong too.

If you assume a cheater will always be a cheater, you’re saying I don’t believe people can learn from their mistakes. As previously mentioned, just because it wasn’t an accident doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. In some cases, this can even be true if you’re still with the same person who cheated on you – they may have learned that the other side wasn’t as green as it seemed. Don’t assume their bad behavior is going to continue unless it already has.

What’s the moral here?

Sometimes, people give bad advice. But every situation is different, and there’s no way that someone will know what’s best for you. All they can do is guess at it – it’s up to you to determine what advice to take and what advice to ignore.

You’re just as much at fault for taking bad advice as the person who gave it to you. After all, following any advice without taking all the details into consideration is, basically, presuming that this other person – who might even be a stranger to you – knows you better than you know yourself.

Pretty silly, right?

Don’t let other people make your choices for you. Thank them for their advice, and then do whatever you think is best. Maybe their words will play in, and maybe they won’t. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Don’t count on someone else to solve your problems.

(And yes, that is my professional advice to you!)

I was born a child of the information age. I grew up with computers – my family first got internet when I was five years old, so I’ve pretty much always had the chance to talk to people who were far away. Of course, chat rooms aren’t really a place to find love (not that I was looking for love when I was five), but that’s not to say that I haven’t had my fair share of long-distance relationships.

They’re sometimes hard to understand. Funny thing about distance, you’ll either realize how much you miss someone or you’ll realize how much better you are on your own. With more and more people finding love on the internet these days, long-distance relationships seem to be more common than ever – but truly, they’re nothing new.

Perk: You have time to do your own thing.

Happy, healthy relationships require the partners to maintain their autonomy. Sometimes, when we live with our partner, it can be tempted to fall into the “we” mentality. If you’re far apart, you maintain your own independence. You’re not automatically scheduling for two – you’re responsible for yourself.

Hurt: You wonder what they do with their time.

Jealousy can run rampant in a long-distance relationship, especially if either of you has a history of infidelity. Some long-distance couples negotiate a “hall pass” type rule, where they’re allowed to see other people, as long as their time together is dedicated to each other. If you’re the jealous type, or the wandering type, this might be a good way to work it out. It won’t work for everyone, though.

Perk: You have your own space.

I’m not sure about you, but I need my own space sometimes. I like being alone sometimes, and I need to know that I can spend my time by myself. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you maintain your own space, because you’re not sharing it with your partner. You will have to pay bills at your place, and your partner will have to pay bills at her place – but you won’t have to worry about sharing every last thing.

Hurt: You have a LOT of alone time.

Being in a long-distance relationship can be lonely sometimes. This can be particularly true if you don’t like sleeping alone (I don’t). It doesn’t mean you’re doomed, though. If you can work it to your advantage, you might find that your long-distance relationship proves that you’re not just with your partner because you’re lonely. After all, you’ll still be lonely – but you’ll have someone to think of to pass the time.

Perk: Your time together will be extra special.

For couples who spend the majority of their time together, it can begin to blur together and become one giant date – with the details being indistinguishable. If you have to wait a long time between visits with your partner, you are more likely to value the time you do spend together. After all, it’s not like you can just try again when you’re in a better mood – you have now, so make the most of it.

Hurt: You’re going to miss each other. A lot.

It goes without saying that, if you care about your partner, you’ll want to be close to her – and in a LDR, this isn’t always easy. But you can speak to each other over the phone, over Skype, in text messages – this is, after all, the age of technology and communication. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and many of them are free.

Perk: Surprises are easier when you don’t have to hide them.

I am very bad at surprises – but I’ve always wanted to be the type of person to surprise my partner. I’m spontaneous enough, but I’m not good at keeping secrets. If you’re not living with your partner, it can be easier to surprise her – after all, you’ve only got to worry about spilling the beans when you’re actually talking to each other. There’s pretty much zero chance that she’s going to happen to come across the Christmas presents you put off wrapping until the last minute.

Hurt: Plans sometimes fall through.

One of the most difficult things to deal with in a long distance relationship can be a plan that fell through. Even the most carefully-laid plans are occasionally blown apart by things out of our control. And if the surprise you’re planning (see the perk above) is to come visit her when she’s not expecting you – there’s a chance this surprise won’t work out as well as you’d planned. A long-distance relationship has to keep expectations loose, otherwise there’s bound to be disappointment.

So is it worth it?

If you really care about this woman, a long-distance relationship can definitely be worth all the hurt that comes along with the territory. All relationships require trust, communication, and respect, but even short-term distance can put a greater emphasis on these things.

They’re definitely not right for everyone – and there is always a chance for jealousy, loneliness, and heartbreak. But if the two of you are able to find balance in your relationship, the distance won’t make as much of a difference as you might be afraid of. And if you find that you work better apart, that doesn’t always mean that you need to break up

Sometimes, a little distance is all you need to put your priorities in perspective.

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Before I begin, I want to make one thing completely clear: Cheating is a very personal topic, and people are free to define “cheating” in their own relationships.

No one can evaluate your relationship for you and tell you what you should count as infidelity. Just because one person feels one way does not mean that everyone does. The specifics for your relationship are between you and your partner.

That being said, there are a few different categories that can be considered cheating. Some are more widespread than others, and most likely any relationship will consider at least some of the following to be indicators of an unfaithful partner.

Maybe you have an open relationship but choose to be emotionally intimate only with your primary partner – this should be considered when you factor in the various forms of cheating on this list.

1. Kissing.

For many women, kissing is considered cheating. There are obvious exceptions, such as “family kisses” reserved for the closest platonic relationships in your life – but when a “romantic kiss” is given to someone, it can be considered a violation of your relationship’s boundaries.

If you are feeling the need to kiss other women while you are in a relationship, and your partner is not OK with this, you will need to determine which is most important to you. In most cases, you will choose your primary romantic partner; after all, she will be the one who gets your romance and your sense of humor. Why shouldn’t she get all your kisses, too?

2. Cuddling.

I personally do not consider cuddling to be cheating, in most cases – provided all clothes stay on and nobody involved is trying for anything else. After all, cuddling keeps you warm and happy, and it feels nice. It can be done with absolutely no sexual connotations.

My girlfriend and I enjoy an occasional “cuddle puddle” with a select few of our mutual, platonic friends. Would either of us ever try to take it further than that? Not a chance. Do we cuddle with our platonic friends without each other? Yeah, sometimes – but it’s just the relationship we have with that specific friend. I can’t honestly predict how I would react if it were any other friend in question.

It is easy to understand how this could be taken as cheating, though. When you cuddle with someone, your brain produces the same hormone that is produced in a sexual climax – oxytocin, the bonding chemical of the human brain. This is why you must be extra certain that you understand each other when it comes to the subject of cuddling.

3. Flirting.

I used to be quite the flirt. I’ve lost a bit of my touch lately, because I’m out of practice. Generally speaking, I won’t flirt with someone else when I’m in a relationship – but it has never been because a partner said she considered it cheating.

I have heard of other women getting jealous over their partner flirting with someone, though, and I understand where that jealousy comes from. Many relationships start with flirting, so it can be easy to assume that your partner might be flirting in an attempt to form a relationship with this new person. Hey, it’s not always right – but it is what it is.

4. Sexting.

This is a difficult conversation to bring up, but in some ways it does have to do with sex. Typically speaking, you shouldn’t be discussing sex with someone who you’re not actually having sex with – and therefore the assumption is if you’re sexting, you’re sexing.

This is obviously just an assumption, but it would be naive to think that it was without basis.

If you’re sending naked pictures of yourself to someone who isn’t your partner, or requesting naked pictures of someone else, or even talking dirty to someone – you are exchanging sexual attention with someone who isn’t your partner. Unless you know for sure that your partner would not be bothered by this behavior, it’s best if you don’t do it.

This is different than viewing pornography, though – although it would technically include “live cam shows” where you can chat with the “models”. Pornography is simply a genre of film, however you slice it, whereas the interaction is what validates it as an indiscretion.

5. Pornography.

Okay, so I just made such a big deal about pornography not being the same as exchanging sexual attention – but to some women, it’s just as big of a deal. I think women like this are starting to decline, but they definitely still exist (I got into a big debate about it with some Facebook friends not too long ago).

If your girlfriend isn’t comfortable with the idea of you watching porn, you should probably do your best to honor those requests. If you feel it’s a need (which could be a sign of a deeper issue) consider negotiating to get some “material” where she is the star. Of course, not all women will oblige this request, and you must respect that.

And if you do get your girlfriend to provide you with some homemade content – don’t share it, period, unless she explicitly says that you can (hint: that’s rare). That’s a serious violation of her trust, her personal privacy, and it invalidates your relationship.

Think of the last “leaked sex tape” you saw. (Admit it, you’ve seen one.) We think of these things as sexy intimate encounters caught on camera, and they are. But what we often overlook is the fact that the person who leaked it completely betrayed the person who didn’t want it leaked. Don’t be that asshole.

6. Hiding things.

You don’t always have to take an action to be unfaithful. If you feel the need to hide things from your partner (other than surprises for her), this is a sign that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. If you have to put a password on your phone – you’re hiding, no matter what your reason may be.

Think about it: If you trust your partner, you should trust her enough to know that she won’t go through your phone without your consent. If she respects you, she won’t take advantage of your trust. If you’re not willing to swap phones with your partner – maybe you’re not supposed to be in this relationship.

Please note that I am not saying that you have to give your partner permission to go through your things. She should respect your right to privacy without you having to demand it. Personally, I know the password to my partner’s phone, and she knows mine, but we leave it alone unless something comes up.

I’d hand my phone off to her in a heartbeat, though, and there have actually been a few times when we’ve swapped phones for some reason or another. Maybe I stayed at home while she went to the store, and her phone was dead. The worst thing you can do in that case is betray the trust invested – just because you have permission to use the phone doesn’t mean that you own what’s in it.

7. Secret profiles – anywhere.

You know how some people have those “joint” Facebook accounts with their partner just so you know that they’re spoken for, and it leaves the person looking at it wondering which one of them broke the trust of the other? Well, I’m not talking about that. Avoid that.

What I’m talking about is the need to have a secret profile that your partner doesn’t know about. Maybe it’s on a chat site, or a dating site, or even a second profile on Facebook. It’s not necessarily a bad idea to have another profile, but you shouldn’t have to keep it a secret from your partner.

Particularly if the profile is on a dating/chat site, this can come across quite badly if your partner were to find out about it “on accident”. Of course, just having the profile doesn’t mean you’re guilty of trying to stray – but if the shoe was on the other foot, what would you think?

Even if you’re looking for an “other” in your open relationship, you should never keep it a secret from your partner. Honesty and communication are key to any healthy relationship.

8. Pouring your emotions into someone else.

Whether it’s someone you vent your anger to (when you should be taking these things up with your partner), someone you dump your sadness on (which, again, should be shared with your partner), or someone you go to for sharing your joys – you should be going to your partner first.

Even if the emotions seem to be minor details to you, closing your partner out of your emotional well-being is subliminally saying that you don’t care about her opinions – you should be able to go to her to share your joy when you are happy, and to pick you up when you are down. If you would rather share these things with someone else, you should take a step back and evaluate your relationship to see if it’s truly making you happy.

Not every relationship is right, and if you do not feel an emotional connection with your partner, it’s very likely that the two of you are not meant to work out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. If everyone was meant to be together, no one would ever be monogamous!

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Are you looking for an intimate way to show your love for your partner? Of course, sex is considered one of the greatest forms of intimacy, but with the new surge of people who have sex just to have sex, it’s not really a thing of closeness for most people anymore. If you want to show your lady that she means more to you than just something to play with, consider some of these things. (They’ll work best if you do them with someone you truly care about – but make sure you don’t neglect her sexual needs, too!)

1. Hold her hand in public.

With this generation’s pull towards the “side chicks” and the “just talking” stages of the relationships, having the courage to actually walk hand in hand, in public, is proof that you are willing to let other people see you with your girl. It shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it is, but it has gotten there lately. Make sure you let your lady know how you feel about her, even when you’re around other people.

2. Introduce her to your family.

If your lady hasn’t met your family yet, it might be nice to introduce her. (This is, of course, assuming you are out of the closet – you probably don’t want to drag your girlfriend along for the awkwardness of coming out.) Letting her meet your family proves that she’s more than just a hookup to you.

3. Cuddle with her.

Did you know that the same bonding hormone released when you have an orgasm is responsible for a sense of closeness when you cuddle with someone? Yep, your brain actually reacts in a very similar way to the two activities, and one shows that you like being close to your partner even when her clothes are on. (But have you tried cuddling naked? It’s definitely the best.)

4. Sit in silence.

If you can sit with someone for hours, not speaking, and not feeling uncomfortable – you’ll know that you have a deep connection. Maybe the two of you like sitting together and reading books. Maybe you’d rather drawing together, or writing side by side. If you don’t feel the need to fill the silence with awkward words, you two can bond just by being close to one another.

5. Share secrets.

It’s a lot easier to give someone your naked body than it is to give them a piece of your soul. Don’t believe me? Think of every person you’ve ever had sex with, and how many of them truly know you inside out. My guess is that one list will be longer than the other. Of course, this will vary from person to person, but if you tell your partner things you don’t tell anyone else, you’ll be closer.

6. Have inside jokes.

One of the things that’s often overlooked in a healthy relationship is the ability to be each other’s best friend. We get wrapped up in the romance and the sex and we forget to be fun, too. Most of the time, we start off as friends – so why wouldn’t we want to keep nurturing that part of the relationship? If you’re able to maintain inside jokes with each other, you’ll only grow closer over time.

7. Cook and clean together.

If you and your partner aren’t evenly dividing the cooking and cleaning, one of you may begin to resent it after awhile. There’s no rule that says it has to be an even 50-50 everywhere, but you should be distributing the tasks in a way that makes everyone happy. One of the best ways to do this while increasing your bond together is if you work together to get the chores done – you’re spending time together, helping each other out, and making time to be together.

8. Nap together.

Let me say first that I am a very bad napper. I get overwhelmed with the idea of staying in bed when there are things that I could be doing that are far more productive. But the truth is, when you feel completely relaxed with someone and able to fall asleep in each other’s arms, in the middle of the day, it’ll be far more refreshing than you could imagine. (Just don’t forget to set an alarm if you have something to do – cozy naps can take over your whole day if you let them!)

9. Surprise each other when you can.

It doesn’t have to be anything big. (I’m often guilty of making my surprises too big, actually.) Just some small way to note that you were thinking of her. Maybe you picked her up her favorite donut, or she started the coffee for you before she left for work. These little things, when they’re something your partner enjoys, work wonders in terms of refueling the bond you share.

10. Binge-watch your favorite show together.

This is another one that I’ll say I’m a little too good at. The idea of sitting in bed, or on the couch, and just watching TV together until you can’t keep your eyes open anymore… It seems like it’s not a productive use of your day, but if it’s something you enjoy together, it can be magical. Just make sure you take food and bathroom breaks when you need them!

11. Trust each other’s opinions.

If you can ask your partner for advice and feel confident that she is giving you honesty, you can reach all-new levels of closeness. You don’t have to worry about whether she’s just trying to get something out of you, because you’ll know that it’s coming from where it really counts. You should be able to trust your partner to tell you the truth, if you’re also trusting her with your body – right?

12. Tell her she’s beautiful.

Of course, not all women like being told they’re beautiful – but gorgeous, adorable, handsome, attractive… All can be wonderful to hear if they’re said genuinely. Be sure to avoid sexual notes in your compliments, because these can be taken as just looking for sex. You want your partner to know that you see her as so much more than that. Make sure you compliment her mind, too!

13. Write her a love letter.

My partner and I actually have a book of love letters written back and forth between us. It’s super romantic, and it can help if you’re fighting – just having something to look back on to remind you what you love about them so much. The writing doesn’t have to be perfect; it should simply show her how much she means to you.

14. Take a road trip.

I absolutely love riding around with my partner. With gas prices as they are, it can be a little difficult to afford it too much – but consider setting a destination and saving up for it. This can be fun, as you can play car games to bond a little, and then when you reach your destination you can enjoy a fun date somewhere the two of you have never been together. Then, more car games on the way back!

Most of us have been through break-ups that have messed us up. These are the ones that we put our everything into and still they didn’t work out – they mess us up inside. The last thing we want to think about is the next girlfriend in line. We would rather take our time and completely heal ourselves first.

The truth is, the chances of success might be better if we applied this type of approach to all of our break-ups; that is, focusing on yourself and blocking out the idea of love for awhile. It seems like a pretty unromantic idea, but in actuality, it will help you be a better partner in your next relationship if you take more time.

Interested in learning about the benefits of this extra time?

Relationships are trial-and-error.

We learn about what we like by discovering what we don’t like. Break-ups actually help us to define what we want out of a relationship, but we have to allow the lessons time to sink in. Rushing through this “reflection” process gives us less time to think about the whole thing.

There is a school of thought that estimates you need about 3 months of single time to help off-set each month of “partnered” time. I think this number is arbitrary and there are a number of factors involved, so the time it takes to reflect will vary from relationship to relationship. It’s up to you to find the actual numbers that work for you.

When you are reflecting, think about the following questions:

• What did I dislike about what she did during this relationship? – This will let you know what you don’t want to tolerate in your future relationships. Of course, sometimes you may compromise on the less important issues.
• What things did she dislike about what I did? – Think of the things she may have brought up in your arguments. Verbal cues are a good indicator, too. These are things that you’ll have to evaluate – maybe you want to “fix” the problem, or maybe you don’t think it’s a problem.
• What things did I dislike about my actions or words? – Whether this was something she brought up or something you noticed on your own, these are things you will want to work on in the future.
• What things did I sacrifice during this relationship? – All relationships come with sacrifices and compromises, but the things that are important to you should never be sacrificed. If you determine something you don’t want to do without, make sure you stand up for yourself in future relationships.
• What hobbies do I want to revisit now that I’m single? – This may be something you sacrificed, or it may be something you always wanted to try but never had the chance. It’s always a good idea to keep yourself busy, particularly when you are healing.
• What do I want to improve about myself now that I have time? – Maybe there’s a class you wanted to take, or a new online business you had an idea for. Maybe you wanted to teach yourself guitar. Think of at least one thing you want to learn or invest in (whether time or money), and do it.

Modify the questions as you need to in order to fit your own relationship. Be honest with yourself, there is no benefit in fudging the answers. It may be that you have no answer to a specific question – and that’s okay. As long as you’ve given it its due thought, you can consider it complete.

A healthy relationship requires a healthy emotional state.

Humans, generally, try to mask their sadness with a new source of happiness. In the broadest sense, this is actually a good thing. We’re easily distracted, after all, and distractions can help to take our mind off the pain.

The only issue here is if you are trying to use a relationship to change your emotional state. Your relationship cannot be your entire source of happiness, or even the primary focus of your relationship. If you put that much emotional weight in any single place, you are setting yourself up for disaster if it falls through.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Never let any one thing have so much power over you that losing it would destroy you – this is almost guaranteeing that you will lose it. Everything requires balance.

Mental preparation is a huge deal.

A lot of people don’t give themselves enough time to thoroughly evaluate everything and know what their needs and wants are before moving on. We briefly addressed this with the list of questions above, but more than just knowing the answers to the questions, you also need to understand exactly what this means in terms of your goals.

Those who keep a journal may find it helpful to write down your goals – I happen to do this about once or twice a year, whether I’m in a relationship or not. Two of the easiest ways to psychologically stick to your goals is to write them down and to look at them.

If you don’t keep a journal, you can easily do this freeform, as well. Sticky notes are great for this (and you can get them for pretty cheap, usually). Write each of your goals on a sticky note, and put it somewhere you’ll see it regularly. These goals can be anything positive, and you can even mix in inspirational quotes and motivation if you want.

It could be as simple as the notepad on your phone, too. Most phones come preinstalled with a basic note taking app, or you can download a to-do list. Set deadlines for yourself if your goal is something measurable (hint: the best goals are the ones you can measure and validate), and have your phone remind you about it. The notifications might be annoying, but it’ll remind you to stay on track.

Note that your goals shouldn’t be anything about finding a girl – this isn’t something you can (or should) put a deadline on. Focus on yourself, and eventually the right girl will come to you.

You should spend some time as your own lover.

It takes time to adjust to the single life, so if you must rush into a relationship – begin a relationship with yourself. Get to know yourself better. Take yourself out on dates. Masturbate as much or as little as you want – this is your time to love yourself.

Particularly if you have self-confidence issues, it may be difficult to think positive if you don’t have someone there validating your flaws. This is something that society has drilled into us, through all types of media – it’s important to realize that the only person you have to please is yourself.

I’m not saying that all media and advertisements are bad, or that we should petition the “damaging” adverts that appear. I think that’s doing a little too much. We just need to take some time to appreciate being our own validation – break out of the cycle of self-hate.

Making measurable improvements in your life will help immensely in this area, as well as doing things that you are already good at, or things that make you happy. Learn to make yourself happy. You are enough – a good woman should complement you, not carry you.

Masturbation during this time is a particularly sensitive area of personal exploration (pun intended) because many of us don’t like to admit that we do it. I’m not sure where the stigma came from, exactly, but it’s almost 2016 – can we all stop being ashamed of pleasuring ourselves already?

You can be single without being lonely.

If you (like many women) tend to fall away from your friends when you’re in a relationship, consider your time spent single to reconnect with your besties. They were there for you before your relationship, they will likely be there for you now that you’re single again.

But what if, over the course of your relationship, you ended up alienating your friends? You might actually have to find some new ones. If you haven’t made any new friends in a long time this can be even more difficult.

Just set aside some time to meet new people, have new experiences, and reconnect with the important people in your life. Maybe, in time, one of these new friends will turn into your next love – but you shouldn’t try to force it.

A relationship should not be a Band-Aid.

Often we try and use a new relationship to make up for something we think is missing in our life. It can be nice to enjoy a little fling, but the truth is the pain will still be there, just under the surface. Rather than trying to mask it, you need to actively heal.

The time this takes will be different from one person to the next, and even the same person as they learn and grow. It’s hard to predict how long it will take in any given scenario, but rushing through it will yield disastrous results. Most relationships aren’t meant to last anyway, but rushing things will only decrease the chances of success.

Your mind will tell you when you’ve had enough time to properly heal. You’ll notice that you don’t really think about the pain from the past as much as you think about the hopes for the future anymore. You will feel better about yourself because you have improved yourself since the last time you had a partner. Because you have improved yourself, you will attract a higher caliber of partner.

You see how this works? It’s a constant cycle – and it’s up to you to determine whether you’re moving forward or backwards. The singledom after the relationship is just as important (if not more important) than the time spent in the relationship – treat it with the respect it deserves!

Often when we think of a “successful” relationship, we’re thinking of the long-term picture. Maybe it means that the relationship results in mutual success, maybe it means that you slowly worked your way up from friends, or maybe it means that you’re together “forever” and you just “click”. However, no matter what description you use to define “success” in your loves, we tend to wonder when we get these intimate feelings early on.

Does this mean that there’s something wrong with shorter relationships? Well, no – I’m a firm believer that a person will be in your life for exactly as long as they need to be. Sometimes we regret not meeting a person sooner, but if we think back on the situation, we’ll usually know that there’s something that was in the way before. People come into your life when they’re meant to, they leave when they’re meant to, and it’s a little silly to wish for anything else.

Fact: Sometimes people get attached quickly.

It’s a bit of a lesbian stereotype, actually – we’ll get attached quickly and that’s the end of it. Someone you’ve known for two weeks sees deeper in your soul than someone you’ve known your whole life. While we don’t want to force the issue (pretending to be attached to someone if we’re really not yet), sometimes you click with someone sooner.

It is important to realize the difference between “love” attachment, “lust” attachment, and “infatuation” attachment, though – the three have very different connotations.

Infatuation attachment simply means that you want to be with someone. In an ideal relationship, you’ll keep these feelings for the entire relationship – but often they wane after some time. Generally, it’s difficult to tell if something is infatuation during the first few months.

Lust attachment refers to a strong desire to have sex with someone. This doesn’t automatically mean that you’re meant to be together; sometimes you just have a strong sexual chemistry. But sexual chemistry is not the only factor that matters in a relationship. Even if both partners have very high sex drives, there are other things that need to be considered.

Love attachment, on the other hand, refers to a willingness to accept every part of the person. You take their flaws (that you have definitely noticed) and still see them as a good person. It’s important that you have identified their character flaws in order to say that you love them – infatuation is blind, but love sees all.

Fact: Some people can read others very well.

If you’re with someone who seems like they can see straight into your soul, this can either be really uncomfortable, or really reassuring – depending on how you feel about them. This type of intimacy can be very intimidating if you don’t feel the same way towards the person that they feel about you.

But if you feel strongly for them, you may find yourself perpetuating their ability to read you by being more open with them. When we openly communicate with someone, we are exposing a piece of our soul that we don’t allow everyone to see – something that can be off-putting to someone if they don’t care to know those things.

With a proper balance of empathy and communication (from both partners), a quick connection can be very beneficial. It eliminates any need to “play games” (which you totally shouldn’t be doing anyway) and allows us to be truly ourselves at all times. For many people, it can take a long time to be that comfortable with someone – but that’s not always the case.

If you and your partner are both completely comfortable with each other from the start, your closeness is bound to grow over time. The connection you have now is likely to keep building until you know each other inside out. Imagine how much you can know about your partner if you start right away!

Of course, sometimes this connection backfires. You might get into things that are “too personal”, and either you lock up or your partner shuts you down. These are both incredibly painful experiences, and can cause the downfall of the relationship. We hope this never happens to you – but most likely, it’s going to happen at least once in your life.

Fact: Some women “substitute” their ex with their new love.

It seems like a messed up situation, but there is an inclination of some women to attempt to slide a new partner into the position filled by their old partner. In these cases, the partner doing the “substituting” may assume certain things about their new partner; whether they assume they are the same as their old partner, or they assume they are different, they have equal chances of being right and wrong.

Even if you’re the best people-reader in the world, you can’t make generalizations based on first appearances. People can pretend to be someone they’re not, and you shouldn’t over-complicate that by pretending, too.

Repeat after me: Your new partner is not your old partner, and if you’re having trouble remembering that, you’re probably not ready for a new relationship yet.

Fact: Some relationships run their course quickly.

Sometimes, getting intimate early on can be a wonderful thing. You may decide that this woman is the love of your life – and it only took you a short while to realize that. But if you’re rushing into the seriousness of the whole thing, you may eventually find that the things you thought aren’t really true.

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. In fact, most aren’t. That doesn’t always mean that the relationship was wrong. Most relationships represent exactly what we needed in our life at the time we were in them (the exception being abuse – no one ever deserves to be abused). Just because it doesn’t work for you anymore doesn’t mean it was wrong from the beginning.

If you find that your relationship is growing old in all the wrong ways, it’s best if you just say goodbye. There’s this stigma associated with short-lived relationships, but it really doesn’t make any sense. How is a one-night stand seen as a “success” but a two-week relationship seen as a “failure”? It’s about the quality of the time, not the amount of time you spent.

Fact: Life is (mostly) unpredictable.

Even if you’re an obsessive planner (I happen to fall in this category), there’s no way to see the future. There’s this quote I remember seeing somewhere, a long time ago – “I hate when I plan my day and no one else follows their script.” It makes a lot of sense, though – we can only truly control ourselves. We might be able to influence others, but they make their own decisions.

Sometimes, the woman you’ve been seeing may leave you out of the blue, and others might tell you that you’re unreasonable for feeling slighted by the end of the relationship. You have every right to be hurt when a relationship ends, no matter who ended it, how long it lasted, or why it didn’t work out. Even if we try to plan every detail, the most important ones are things that we can’t plan for.

If you find yourself incredibly hurt by the end of a “short” relationship, you’ll probably be tempted to get back together – but I urge you to resist this. If she left you “without reason” so early on, it’s likely that you weren’t right for her – and if you try to get back together, it’s possible that she would continue to blame you for things that aren’t your fault.

(And beyond that, begging sounds an awful lot like desperation – don’t give into the temptation!)

In the lesbian dating world, there are mistakes that we’re all bound to make at one point or another. Hopefully we don’t continue to make these mistakes throughout our dating life – but most people will have been through at least some of these before.

How many can you honestly say you’ve never done?

Too much, too fast.

If you’re with the right lady, she’ll eventually want to hear about every little crisis in your life – but you should pace yourself. Start slow, and in time you can open up further. If you put too much out there at once, you risk pushing her away.

Answering the phone.

It should go without saying, but you shouldn’t answer your phone on a date. If you really must take a call, make sure you excuse yourself and step away – but unless it’s an emergency, it’s best if you just keep it in your pocket.

Focusing on the past.

Most of us have exes, and that’s fine. What’s not fine is if you talk about them all the time with your new boo. It’s okay if you tell the basic details, but avoid saying anything that might make your girlfriend judgmental or jealous. Otherwise, you look like you’re not over the past yet – and you should be focused on the future.

Getting wasted.

Some people like the little bit of liquid courage that can come with a first date at a bar or casual dining restaurant. However, unless you want to risk making a complete fool of yourself, it’s best to stick to just a few drinks at most.

Hanging out with all your friends.

We know you’re going to want to introduce this new dream girl to all your friends, and I’m sure they’d love to meet her. But you shouldn’t overwhelm her with too many new people right at the start. Many women may feel anxiety in situations where they feel like the odd one out, and being around a bunch of people who know you inside out certainly isn’t going to help her feel at ease. Besides, don’t you want to get to know her first?

Being too serious.

While politics and current events can be a great topic of discussion, it’s best if you wait until you know each other a little better before you get too far into the serious stuff. You should feel free to discuss briefly the issues most important to you, but don’t be boring.

Running too long.

If we feel a deep connection with someone right away, we might be tempted to spend a great deal of time with them. But it’s better if we take our time, pace ourselves – give ourselves time to become more comfortable with one another. If you try to push it, you can seem clingy – or you could run out of things to talk about before the second date!

Making plans for the future.

You shouldn’t be planning further ahead than the next date. You shouldn’t get your hopes up too high at this point – just take your time and get to know each other. If you plan too far ahead and things don’t work out, you can end up feeling a bit awkward.

Being dishonest.

Ladies, there are very few reasons it’s appropriate to lie to a girl you’re interested in, and even less good reasons to lie to someone you’re not interested in. Just tell the truth! If you’re not interested in seeing her again, don’t pretend you are. There’s no reason to play games.

Being rude.

You’d think that this was a given, but some people forget to be nice to the other people they encounter on their date. It’s not just about your lady friend – the waiters, the guy who parks your car, the other customers in the restaurant… The way you treat these people will reflect on you, too, so be on your best behavior.

Do you have any other “don’ts” for a first date? Share them in the comments!

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We all have our own set of rules that govern us, in life and in love. Sometimes these rules make no sense, but other times they are based on tried-and-true methods of keeping ourselves safe (yes, emotional safety counts, too). There are bound to be differences from person to person; it’s inevitable.

I understand that these rules might not resonate with everyone, but I wanted to take a minute to share my own personal dating rules – things that help to guard my heart from people with bad intentions.

Of course, they don’t work 100% of the time (is there anything that really does?) but simply thinking about them may help you to prioritize your own needs above the requests of your partner. (I know, for the hopeless romantics out there – this can be really hard sometimes.)

1. Don’t let your partner (or prospective partner) mold you into someone you’re not.

It can be tempting to let your partner change you. After all, especially when we love someone, we tend to want to bring ourselves as close to “perfect for them” as we can. But it’s important to remember that changing the fundamental aspects that make you unique won’t make you perfect for your partner – it’ll make you fake.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t change and grow over the course of the relationship, as you definitely should. Just make sure those changes are actually improvements and not just “modifications”.

2. Don’t dress in anything that makes you uncomfortable.

I actually had someone tell me once that I should “dress for the girl I’m trying to woo”, and I think it’s important to note that that’s bad advice. After all, wouldn’t you prefer someone who’s attracted to your actual style? Sure, you should dress nice when you’re trying to meet someone – but not outside of your style. (Besides, you’ll be more confident if you wear something comfortable, and confidence is very sexy.)

The same goes for makeup. I never wear makeup on a first date, because I rarely wear makeup in the first place. If I wore makeup for a first date, it would set the assumption that I wear it all the time – and then I would feel pressured to actually wear it all the time, which would be uncomfortable for me.

3. Don’t dish out every detail right away.

I’ll admit that I have made the mistake of telling too much of myself to someone new, and they totally used it against me. Of course, this built the necessary safety net – I reveal slowly until I know that the person:

• wants to know these things;
• will accept me for these things;
• and won’t use these things against me.

It’s never easy to tell, but if you tell too much, too soon, you’re likely to alienate people. The best girlfriends will care, will accept you, and won’t use your secrets to hurt you – but how do you know if she’s like that from the start? Make sure you’re not sharing more than she is.

4. Don’t make promises in the beginning.

I’m the sort that hates making promises, because I feel like I’m bound to the soul. I’ve met plenty of women who didn’t feel this way, and it completely baffles me. How can anyone not feel the need to be true to their word? I guess I just don’t know how to deal with disloyalty.

For the women like me who feel obligated to keep their promises, it’s best not to make promises too early into the relationship, as there’s no actual guarantee that you’ll be able to keep them – and then if you aren’t, you’ll feel a great deal of guilt.

For those women who don’t feel like they need to keep their promises, I urge you to stop making promises in the first place, because chances are, some woman is going to take your words for truth – and then you’re going to hurt her. Please don’t do this.

5. Don’t make a big deal out of things that don’t matter.

Apparently I’m in the minority, because I’m very selective about which issues are worth fighting over. But it comes from a place of self-preservation. If you’re bickering and fighting over every little thing, you’re not allowing yourself to appreciate your partner as she is. Instead, keep in mind a few things you won’t tolerate, and go from there.

Which brings us to…

6. Don’t keep putting up with the same nonsense.

Maybe your last partner was a cheater, so you decide you won’t deal with cheaters anymore. See someone who’s showing signs that she’s unfaithful? Definitely call her on it! No one has the right to abuse your emotions. But at the same time, we teach people how to treat us. Whether it’s putting your foot down with a partner you’ve been with for awhile, or establishing what you absolutely won’t deal with in the future, you shouldn’t back down from the things you consider necessary.

7. Don’t let people make you negative.

There are a million people in this world who have nothing better to do than bring others down. The worst thing you can do is let them get you down!

This isn’t really limited to dating, of course, but there have been a number of haters in my dating history that made me feel terrible about who I was.

It’s important that you pick yourself back up and don’t let them to get to you again. Once they’ve shown that they’re a negative person, they’re likely to continue being negative.

8. Don’t give it up too easy.

I’m not judging those who have sex on a first date – in fact, I’ve been that person a few times in my life. But if you’re not at least making the other person work for it, you’re likely undervaluing yourself. You should make sure that the person you’re planning to have sex with thinks you’re at least worth making an effort for.

Why wouldn’t you be? After all, if we don’t think that it’s worth putting forth the effort behind having sex with someone, then we don’t really want to have sex with them – we just want to have sex in general. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

9. Don’t be inflexible.

It’s highly unlikely that someone is going to come along and magically be the answer to every problem. It happens in movies and sometimes in books, but generally speaking, people are flawed. We don’t want to expect perfection because we can’t deliver perfection in return. If someone doesn’t meet all of your criteria, but they cover all the basics (the things you really shouldn’t compromise on), why not give them a chance? Limiting yourself to just your “ideal preferences” could mean that you’re missing out on valuable new experiences.

10. Don’t be mean.

It should go without saying – if you want to be attractive to a partner, you should be nice. I don’t believe the idea that the “nice guys finish last”, and you shouldn’t either. Maybe it takes us a little longer to find someone, because we’ve been used by the wrong people too many times – but it should be more about the quality of your date than the quantity of dates you have. If you’re nicer, you’re more likely to attract people who are nicer.

Of course, this isn’t guaranteed. There are some mean people out there who will flock towards the nice girls with the intention of taking advantage of them – so it’s in your best interest to be able to weed them out from the people who are genuinely worth your time.

11. Don’t settle.

It might seem like this contradicts rule #9, but there is a big difference between being flexible and settling. When you’re flexible, you’re giving up on your preferences. When you settle, you’re giving up on your needs. Naturally it may be difficult to tell the difference between your needs and your wants, but if you care about your feelings (which you totally should) you need to figure out the differences and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.

12. Don’t rush into anything.

This one seems like it goes hand-in-hand with a few other rules here, and in some ways it does. But it’s important that you don’t get ahead of yourself when it comes to your dating life. Sure, the rush to find someone new after you’ve been hurt can be overwhelming – but it’s best if you don’t give into the temptation. If you take your time to know yourself before you begin trying to know a partner, you’ll be able to fully understand your wants and needs (#11), your style (#2), and who you really are (#1).

13. DO be your own true love.

Ladies, I can’t tell you how important it is to love yourself. While I don’t believe in the saying “You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else”, the fact is that self-esteem issues rarely make you more attractive to someone (as the only people who are specifically attracted to confidence issues are those who plan to use it against you). You should learn how to love yourself, even if you aren’t able to do it before you begin a relationship.

One of the easiest ways to love yourself (if you’re struggling in this area) is to find something you’re really good at, and run with it. There’s always going to be something that you have a tremendous amount of skill at – but no one is perfect. There’s always room for improvement. Develop your skills; there’s nothing that’s quite as much of a confidence boost as being proud of yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to be proud of you, when you can begin being proud of yourself.

I understand that mental health issues may make this difficult for some women, and simply “loving yourself” isn’t going to fix your depression, anxiety, etc. Most mental illnesses are neurological in nature and a simple attitude change won’t make them go away entirely. But it’s an important first step on the long road to love and happiness.

There are a million possible comparisons to be made between the dating world and the job search world. Most of the time, people want someone who’s got experience – even if it’s not the most reasonable expectation. (Seriously though, why do you have to provide past work history for a self-proclaimed “entry level job?” It doesn’t make any sense. But I digress.)

When we translate that to our hunt for Ms. Right, there are bound to people who have continuous bad luck.

Sometimes, it’s a lack of properly applying themselves – such as, they’re pursuing women who obviously aren’t interested in them, or they aren’t pursuing any women at all – but sometimes these things come from a place of serious, perpetual loneliness.

In fact, there’s actually a dedicated subforum on Reddit for “forever alone women”. What do all these women have in common? Well, there’s no singular answer here – most people have different experiences when it comes to dating, and lumping anyone into a single, generalized category without understanding the reasons they choose to label themselves as such would be ethically wrong.

Instead, we would like to take a look at the common reasons why women have claimed that they are “forever alone”.

She may have self-confidence issues.

We all know that a woman with self-confidence is sexy, as long as it doesn’t border on arrogance. However, for many women, self-confidence simply isn’t something that comes naturally.

This can be particularly true for women with weight problems, acne troubles, eating disorders, or other perceived “bad appearances”.

There are a million different reasons why a woman could have self-esteem problems, and generally, they’re all hurdles in the way of having a successful relationship.

If you are dating someone who has previously identified as “forever alone” due to problems with her appearance, it’s of great importance that you help her to realize she is so much more than her perceived imperfections.

Of course, it’s also a good idea to reassure her that you think she’s beautiful just the way she is – but don’t take it too hard if she has a hard time believing you.

Admittedly, even for someone who has done my fair share of dating (no big gaps for me!), the struggles we face in regards to our image of ourselves can be nearly crippling.

It can be difficult to grasp the idea of someone new finding us attractive, because we don’t find ourselves attractive. But for the women who love us, this challenging task can be quite rewarding as they begin to see a new self-esteem emerge, and their lady begins to love herself as she is.

She may have depression or mental health issues.

Mental health is a serious problem that can be hard to understand if you don’t face them yourself. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for someone with no experience (whether firsthand or through education) to understand what goes on in the mind of someone with a mental illness.

The most common mental health problems facing those who identify as “forever alone” are depression, social anxiety, and eating disorders. (I know, I already mentioned eating disorders – but it’s important to note that it isn’t an explicitly self-confidence related issue.

Eating disorders are a serious mental health concern that has the possibility to take a life.)

If you’re dating a woman who has identified (or suspected) mental health problems, one of the most important things to note is that you most likely cannot actually help her.

I understand the urge to try and do so, and usually that’s not a bad idea as long as it’s coming from a place of love and understanding – but unless you are an experienced counseling professional, it’s unlikely that you can do anything to actually solve the problems.

That’s not to say that you can’t be there for your lady friend (whether platonic or not) in regards to her mental health needs. The larger her support system is, the more likely it will be that she can have a safe and happy recovery process.

But unless she is also soliciting the help from someone specially trained to handle her mental health problems, they’re not likely to get better on their own.

She may have recently come out or transitioned.

For transwomen and newly-out (or not-yet-out) women, the idea of dating can be overwhelming. After all, this is a time of learning about ourselves, and to add the complications of learning about someone else can add more frustration and stress. The woman may be scared or lonely, or a combination of the two.

I know that not everyone is attracted to transwomen (and likewise the transmen who still consider themselves a part of the lesbian community, too), and not everyone is interested in the idea of being a “learning experience” for someone. But from the perspective of these marginalized women, it can be heartbreaking to receive rejections on these grounds.

Imagine: You’ve finally got the courage to be real to yourself, to face all your fears and be honest – and someone tells you that you’re somehow excluded still. It would hurt, wouldn’t it? This is something that transmen and transwomen deal with on a regular basis – and newly-out or still-closeted lesbians face their fair share of it, too.

I’m not saying they should be treated as novelties, or that you should ask them out just to avoid being discriminatory, but if you are genuinely attracted to a woman – you shouldn’t let something as silly as her birth-sex or her previous romantic history keep you from pursuing it. Just make sure you’re being a good ally when you do.

She could be bisexual.

Something that’s always baffled me was that bisexual women are stigmatized as having twice as many potential partners, because they pursue both males and females, and the assumption is that they do so equally. However, the reality is that’s not often the case.

Many bisexual women are ostracized from both the lesbian community as well as the heterosexual community, leaving themselves nowhere else to turn but to other bisexuals – and even then, it’s not guaranteed. In fact, famous bisexual actress Megan Fox was quoted as saying she wouldn’t date another bisexual – only straight men and lesbians.

While she openly acknowledges the hypocrisy in that statement, her opinion isn’t that uncommon. Many lesbians will refuse to date a bisexual woman, strictly for the fact that she may have previously had sex with men and may again in the future. We may ignore the fact that most bisexuals are completely capable of monogamy, just as there are monosexuals who are incapable of remaining faithful. It all boils down to the person, not their preferences.

We’d like to think that it’s only the lesbian community that discriminates against bisexuals – after all, it’s one of the most popularized straight male fantasies to have a bisexual woman (or two) join them in bed. It’s the reason why “lesbian porn” is so popularized in the heterosexual community, and it contributes to some of the stigmas involving women and the implication of their sexual value. But, an unfortunate fact remains: Many straight men are also intimidated by the idea of having a bisexual girlfriend. This stems from the underlying myth that bisexual women are inherently less faithful.

If you’re interested in a woman, and her bisexuality brings to question the attraction you have for her, keep in mind that you’re likely not the only person to respond to her in that way. Of course, no one can impose equality on your preferences, but you may be limiting yourself and potentially ignoring the love of your life. (Hey, not every woman is the one – but you’ll never know if you don’t give her the chance.)

She could be submersed in her work/school/hobbies.

I understand that these can be three very separate implications, but sometimes, it’s not as important for a woman to pursue a relationship. In fact, it’s actually unhealthy psychologically to make the search for love your main focus in life. But sometimes, a woman who has dedicated a great deal of her time to being the best she can at something not-so-romantic may discover later that they missed out on a lot of opportunities, and choose to pursue romance.

In the cases of work and school being prioritized, these women are often successful and independent, making them great partners for someone else who is successful and independent. But that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically going to be good at being in a relationship, especially if they’ve never been involved with someone before.

For women who put their hobbies first, there is an assumption that these girls would be “nerdy”. But what’s so wrong with nerdy girls, anyway? They have passion and drive, they do the things they like, and they don’t let society dictate their interests. Sounds a lot like good girlfriend material, right?

If you’re interested in a woman who has been too busy to chase women in the past (or to allow anyone to enter her life), it’s important that you be patient with her. After all, entering the dating scene later in life can be really hard. This is true even without a slew of rejections. But if you reject her just because she focused on her non-romantic life first, you’re telling her that it’s too late – and we believe it’s never too late to find love.

She might just suck (as a partner).

Hey, there’s not always an explanation for why a woman could be perpetually single. There’s a chance that she’s just not a good partner, and she carries a reputation for it. In these cases, your hesitation to pursue may be completely warranted.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s fair, though.

If this information seems conflicting, it’s important that you realize that a large part of the human growth process involves learning from our past mistakes and making changes in our life – and sometimes, bad past relationships make for better future relationships. This isn’t guaranteed, but it’s always an option.

If you specifically seek out a woman with a bad reputation “for the challenge”, you may be setting yourself up for failure – but in other situations, it’s entirely possible that the woman you’re chasing after has made fundamental changes in her life since her last partner, and the experiences of what doesn’t work in a relationship may have educated her on the finer points of romantic interaction. Again, it’s not guaranteed, but it’s not a miniscule possibility, either.

It could be something else entirely.

There’s no cut-and-dry list of reasons why some women aren’t successful in their relationships. Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s someone else – but it’s important to remember that it’s not always her fault.

If you’re thinking of asking a woman out, and the only reason why you’re not doing it is because she’s been single for a while – is it really that important to you? Give her a chance; you could be exactly the person she needed in her life to overcome her Forever Alone status.

Take care, and be good to each other!

Women with confidence and power are often seen as a threat to others. It’s not that we necessarily mean to be a threat, but for most of history, women have been seen as “lesser” humans. Of course, there are movements seeking to change that, and we’ve come a long way – but that doesn’t mean the fight is over.

Even in the lesbian community, smart, independent women often have a hard time finding their true love. Part of this is because of the way society views us, but part of it is internal. After all, sometimes we’re our own worst enemies.

So why do strong, intelligent women have such a hard time finding love? Here are a few reasons.

Too Smart for Love

Our logical brains and our emotional brains are often at war with each other, just under the surface. Logic is the natural enemy of emotion, after all, even though there are definitely smart women who are highly emotional (both in positive ways as well as negative ways). If a woman is truly intelligent, she’ll inwardly know that falling in love is a huge risk.

Smart women don’t take unnecessary risks – and sometimes love falls in this category.

When we evaluate the potential output for love, we might find that the chances of it going badly are much greater than the chances of it going well – after all, most relationships end, right? For women who may over-think things and build up their anxiety (an unfortunate side effect of intelligence), we may dwell on the possibility of negatives and overlook the smaller possibility of positives.

Too Independent to Lean on Someone

Personally, I have been independent for much of my life. I started working under-the-table jobs at 12 years old, and transitioned to “real” work at 15. I’ve been pretty consistent with my employment since then, filling in any gaps with “my own thing” – odd jobs, self-employment, money-making opportunities…

Then, one day, someone comes along and now I’m not just responsible for me anymore. Now I have this other person I have to think about – and my love for self-sufficiency is hindered by my love for this woman. I’m not saying it’s bad to fall in love, but for those of us who are used to picking ourselves up by the bootstraps, the idea of someone else helping us up can be insulting.

We go from supporting ourselves to having a partnership. The businessperson in us says that you can’t ever rely on someone else to do “your job” for you – so we plan around the idea that we will have to do everything. Of course, this isn’t always the case – often your partner will actually help you. But we may avoid finding out if that is the case.

Too Much Thinking

I can’t say it enough: Anxiety is a byproduct of intelligence. We may think of every possible way that things could go wrong, and possibly even obsess over the scenarios where that would happen. In the dating world, there are millions of possible problems that we could encounter – and as smart women, we want to avoid any problems we can.

This might make us “skip” any opportunities that aren’t guaranteed.

As a hopeless romantic and an obsessive over-thinker, this is a bad combination for me, personally.

We want to believe in the fairy tale romance, and we want to feel it for ourselves. We want to find that magical spark that means we’ll be with our partner forever. But we might pick up on slight clues that aren’t really indicative of anything, and dwell on them to the point where they take over.

Because we are smart, we know it doesn’t make sense. But knowing it’s wrong doesn’t equate to putting an end to it.

Too Much Sharing

If we are used to leaning only on ourselves, it can be a game changer when we have to adjust to someone else leaning on us, too. We have invested x number of hours in our own success, and we expect the same from our partners – but that often means that we have to let them feed off of our success.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In most cases, our partners will probably be motivated by our success in the first place, and they will strive for it without intervention on our part. The human mind is designed to translate jealousy and feelings of inadequacy to a desire for positive changes.

Sometimes, however, that’s not what happens. Sometimes, we have higher expectations for our partners than they have for themselves, and this becomes draining. We want to motivate them to do better with their lives, and we become disappointed when they don’t want to do better on their own. We then put more of ourselves into the relationship, and they may be less motivated than they were before.

Our self-appointed position of encouraging success has a definite potential to be taken advantage of, and unfortunately, some partners will take advantage of it. There’s not a lot you can do to stop a partner from doing it except to stop helping them – which is hard if you’re truly in love with them. Smart women, of course, have already thought about this potential – and they may have put an end to it before it even started.

Too high of expectations

If we are smart and independent, we may expect that our partner also be smart and independent. When she’s not, we question why. While it’s never a good idea to compare your intelligence to your partner’s, it does sometimes happen unconsciously, and we may find that we fall above or below.

If your partner is “better” than you, you may doubt yourself. You may think there’s something wrong with you or that you don’t deserve them – which can lead to self-sacrifice if you feel that you owe them something. It’s important to remember that you don’t ever owe a partner anything – especially something that is impossible for you to attain.

If you are “better” than your partner, you might assume that it applies to more aspects than it actually does. Of course, no one wants to be cocky and arrogant (I’m generalizing here), but if there is a large difference in our intelligence and/or priorities, it may come naturally.

We may think things like “Well, I can’t force her to act like an adult.” While this usually comes from a good place, the thought itself is very negative. It implies that, if a woman is not as independent as we are, she must be childish. It’s definitely true sometimes – but that’s not your position to decide.

We may think, “It’s not her fault she’s not as smart as me.” While this, too, is coming from a good place, the delivery is wrong – there are so many different types of intelligence, after all, that it’s unlikely you will be smarter than your partner in every way – and to make a blanket assumption that you are is wrong on many levels.

We may even think, “I just wish she would apply herself.” Since we value learning as well as self-sufficiency, we assume that those who aren’t “at our level” aren’t trying hard enough. But this is an assumption, not necessarily the truth. It can be difficult for anyone to prove their efforts, and in many cases the woman may be trying as hard as she can – it’s not up to you to decide if she should try harder.

What can we learn from all this?

Smart women are always looking for a lesson. The truth is, love isn’t always about learning something – believe it or not! This is because knowing and doing are two different things. Most likely, we’re not actually learning anything new from our relationships (although there are always opportunities to learn and grow). If we focus on making a learning experience out of everything, we might miss out on the actual experience.

If we want to be successful in love without giving up our autonomy, it’s important that we allow the relationship to progress naturally. Let it be its own entity – but keep your own. Don’t invest everything you have into a relationship, because the likelihood of the relationship failing is enough to destroy you if it’s all you have. But you should be investing some into the relationship, or it’ll never grow.

The biggest thing here is to remember that you are independent – whether you act like it or not. This extends to your partner, as well. Just because she seems incapable of handling things on her own doesn’t mean that she needs you. Love is a luxury – if it’s not making you happy, you should walk away. And if you’re not making your partner happy, she has every right to walk away, too.

She knows about your weird things, and she’s into them.

1. Being around her is always fun, even when the situation isn’t.

Being with her turns all things into great things.

2. She knows about your weirdo shit and she’s into it.

She knows you watch The L Word over and over again while wearing a bathrobe and eating rice cakes, and she thinks it’s cute for some reason.

3. She’s consistently great to you.

If she makes you the most romantic dinner on Monday night, and doesn’t suddenly become nasty to you the following night just because you forgot to pick up a bottle of wine to bring to her friends’ place.

4. You know (and like) all her friends.

You’re friends with her friends and even if you’ve never met some of them, she talks about you all the time, so they feel like they know you.

5. She challenges you to be even more amazing.

You’re already the coolest and she knows that because that’s why you’re together, but she thinks you’re capable of even more than you think you’re capable of (and you know you’re capable of a lot, so that’s saying something.)

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6. She makes you feel like the most gorgeous human in the world.

Even on days when you definitely do not feel that way, she still makes you feel like Ellen Page would feel ugly standing next to you. How does she do that?! Oh, by genuinely believing you’re the most gorgeous human in the world? That’s cool.

7. She never picks up coffee without asking if you want her to grab you something too.

Same goes for “I’m at the supermarket” and “I’m at a store that sells kittens.”

8. She emails your mom any cute cat videos she finds because she knows she loves them.

Not just so she can get in good with you but because she genuinely thinks it would make her day. This gesture is actually cuter than any cat videos she could find.

9. She cares about your physical needs.

Even if you’re not sleeping together, she finds out you like neck kisses so she goes out of her way to deliver more neck kisses. Awesome.

10. She lets you take time for yourself.

You need time to work on your own projects and be with your friends or watch movies alone for hours? She gets that. She takes her time, you take yours, and then you get together and tell each other all about it (or not.)

11. She supports your dreams 100%.

Sometimes even more than you do because she knows you’re capable of doing anything you want to do. Whether it’s becoming the next T-Swift or running a 10K in the dead of winter, she’s into it, and she’ll make you snacks while you train.

12. She’s always crazy excited to see you.

And vice versa. Even if you just saw her yesterday.

Matchmaking is lots of fun. Pairing up your friends and watching the sparks fly is an awesome feeling and you get invited to all the occasions if everything goes according to plan. Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind on your quest to be a great matchmaker.

1. Do your research

Know exactly what your friends are looking for. Take into consideration the age range, career expectations, physical attributes and things like race, hobbies etc. getting this out of the way will make it easier to sift through your vast network for a perfect fit.

2. Manage expectations

The rule here is to over deliver. Promise as little as you can to get them to meet then let her say ” oh my gosh! You did not tell me she is so funny!” Point out anything that might be a significant flaw before the first date. Make sure to get pictures before you set them up.

3. Explain yourself

Explain how you know the person and how you met. Be clear to both of them that you are matchmaking. You won’t believe how many times girls will go along with your plans simply because they think you are the one doing the hunting. Make it clear you are not in the game and will be bowing out as soon as the game is won.

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4. Pick the right venue

Avoid movies and three hour dinners. The key here is to talk so think picnics with friends or a barbecue surrounded with socialites where they can sneak off into a corner and get to know each other.

5. Stay out

The only reason you should get involved after the first date is if there’s confusion. One is not sure but the other terribly likes the match. Apart from that stay clear and watch the magic unfold.