Tag Archives: advice

This Expensive Club Lets Straight Girls Be Lesbians For One Night

Wouldn’t it be great to have all of the joys of being a lesbian without, y’know, actually being a lesbian?

That’s the idea driving Skirt Club, a new lesbian sex club that caters to women who enjoy lesbian sex but who identify as heterosexual (or, if there’s a tiny bit open-minded, bicurious).

This all-girl orgy allows women to experiment with their sexuality away from the prying eyes of men, which was a major complaint of many attendees – most of them had attended sex parties organized by men, where the male gaze kept them from feeling completely comfortable. Nothing ruins the mood like a man trying to insert himself into the mix (literally) when you’re trying to kiss a cute girl.

Some straight women felt like frauds when they attended lesbian sex parties, because they felt like they were leading on queer women who may have wanted a relationship. Despite their attraction to women – and some Skirt Clubbers say that they’ve been attracted to women for a long time – they identify as staunchly heterosexual, and the idea of dating a woman is inconceivable.

The application process to apply to the Skirt Club is extensive and includes a mandatory ful-body photo. The party founder, Genevieve LeJeune, aims to build a “femme membership” of women, and she has to approve of your appearance before you are allowed access. Wouldn’t want any pesky masculine-of-center women to complicate things, right? Only attractive femme women ages 21-49 are allowed.

The application also includes a space for divulging your career details, and the party comes at a hefty fee of $180 a night. Why? To “weed out women who don’t have high-income careers.”

If you’re keeping track, this party is only for wealthy, young, attractive “straight” women who want to be lesbians for a night.

Is this inherently problematic? No. After all, LeJeune has the right to create any type of party she likes and for any audience. But if the women who attend truly want to explore their sexuality, then they might want to look past this homogenous, self-selective group.

15 Sexuality Terms That All Queer Girls Need To Know

It’s so confusing sometimes when new words come up to describe a certain type of sexuality or relationship. I mean lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, gay or transgendered seems enough to describe most sexualities, right?

Wrong. There are 15 that we have found so far and if you can learn them and learn the definitions it will definitely make you stand out from the crowd.

Allosexual

A person who experiences sexual attraction in a way that is considered the norm.

Androgynoromantic

A person who feels a romantic attraction to androgyny.

Asexual/ Ace

A person who does not experience sexual attraction to another person.

Demisexual

A person that only experiences sexual attraction after developing a strong emotional bond.

Grey Asexual/ Grey Ace

A person that sometimes experiences sexual attraction in certain circumstances but has no desire to act upon it.

Libedoist Asexual

An asexual person with an active sex drive.

Lithromantic

A person who experiences romantic attraction but doesn’t need or want it reciprocated.

Menosexual

A person who is attracted to those that are menstruating.

Pansexual

Someone who is attracted to all genders

Polyamorous

A person that has non-exclusive relationships with people they are attracted to.

Pomosexual

A person who doesn’t identify with any sexual orientation label and disregards them.

Quasiplatonic

A person who is interested in someone else in a way that is more than friends but it is not necessarily romantic either.

Quoiromantic

Someone that finds the line between friendship and romance difficult.

Sapisexual

A person that is attracted to someone because of their intellect.

Skolisexual

A person who is sexually attracted to gender variant people.

Science Says These Are The Five Stages Of A Relationship Break-Up

I always thought there was no easy way to explain the emotional side effects of a breakup, just like there was meant to be no easy way to actually go through a breakup in the first place.

However, according to a new study, there are actually five distinct stages that lead to a break-up.


1. Pre-contemplation

This is before you even think about breaking up.

Everything’s rosy and you’re probably having a super time skinny-dipping and frolicking in the sea/having romantic candlelit dinners/Netflix and chilling.


2. Contemplation

In this stage, the first signs appear that something isn’t quite right and not everything’s so great any more.

You start having doubts and thinking things like “this relationship isn’t for me,” or “there’s something off in my relationship,” My Domaine reports.


3. Preparation

By the third stage, you’ve reached the point where you’re certain you want to break-up, but don’t know how to go about it – we all know it’s never easy to instigate.

For many people, the preparation stage lasts for months because they’re umming and ahhing, can’t pluck up the courage to end it or just don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings.


4. Action

The fourth stage is where you actually take the plunge, have the chat and go your separate ways.

Some people gradually fall into the action stage by talking to their partners less and less, whereas for others it’s a sudden cutting off of all ties and ceasing communication.


5. Maintenance

The final stage of a break-up is that sad period where you’re giving back each other’s belongings, be they toothbrushes, DVDs or jumpers.

According to the study, if you’ve managed not to get back together while having these final exchanges, you’ll probably stay apart forever.

The report, carried about by the University of Tennessee and published in the Journal of College Counseling, saw researchers measuring two samples of college students.

So now you know what signs to look out for – and what might be coming.

Why You Stay In Your Toxic Relationship

It’s hard to see what’s best for yourself when you’re invested in a relationship.

It’s not always easy to remember who you are and what you want. You can start to lose yourself and forget to make yourself and your happiness a priority.

There is a lot of sh*t we put up with because the pain certain relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the person you love.

But why? Why do we stay in relationships long past their expiry dates? Is it simply a fear of being alone?

People have now been speaking out and explaining why they stick with their partners when they know it won’t last.

Someone wrote in a particularly moving post on the Reddit forum,

The love just faded away, not suddenly some sharp ping then ‘oh I don’t love you anymore’. One day I am doing the dishes and I realised I was happy because she wasn’t coming home tonight, working later again. I suspect she is seeing a work colleague, an old bf she still gets on with, they’d known each other for years before I came along.

The funny thing is I don’t feel angry or hurt or betrayed. There is just a gentle relief that she is happy and I am happy without her. I always thought I needed a relationship but now as this one bleeds out on the floor I just feel content to watch it gasp and die.”

Sometimes it’s not that the relationship has turned completely toxic, it’s just not happy anymore.

Someone asked why they didn’t leave her, to which they responded:

Emotionally I fear it’s like I’ve been slowly stabbed and if I pull at that knife everything is going to hurt so much.”

It’s a painful and powerful simile.

Others shared their experiences after having finally seen the light and ended their relationships.

A common situation in long-term relationships is where each person has changed, but they still care about the other:

The thing is, I know we love and care about each other, but we became different people than the people we fell in love with,” said one person who’d just ended a six year relationship.

For some people, it’s the external pressure from others who don’t realise a partnership isn’t as happy as it might seem.

We stayed together a year longer than we should have because everyone else thought we were a great couple and neither of us wanted to be the bad guy who ended the relationship. I also really liked his family.”

But another person pointed out that an outsider can never really know what’s going on in a relationship:

My sister thinks I have a dull relationship of convenience. In fact we are deeply in love, have great respect for each other and are very happy to be together for the rest of our lives.”

That’s not the case for everyone though, and one woman admitted she knows her partner doesn’t really love her: “She doesn’t love me, never has, and I know it. Didn’t stop me from falling in love anyway.

We keep going because I have no self-respect or self-control. And she is too lazy, and I’m too convenient for her to look elsewhere. We are best friends. It’s hard to draw the line when we always have such a good time together.”

Whether both parties are settling is open to interpretation.

You don’t have to justify why you aren’t happy anymore. It isn’t realistic to expect to be happy in every moment of your relationship, but as a whole, this person should make you happier.

He or she should make you feel supported and capable of doing whatever the hell it is you want to do. You should know that even though you don’t have control of every aspect of your life and things will fall apart, this person gives you stability.

They help you rebuild and gives you hope that things can be the way you think they should be.

If you don’t have that, is it really worth it?

This Vibrator Syncs to Audiobooks

When it comes to sex toys, the crazier the better.

That seems to be the motto of Vibease, who specializes in creating vibrators to fill needs that you didn’t know you had. Who knew that you couldn’t truly appreciate the literary qualities of Fifty Shades of Grey, without actually feeling physical sexual stimulation?

The Vibease Wearable Smart Vibrator isn’t as “smart” as it is eclectic. This little thing does so much. For example, it lets your partner control it by playing with a dot on the screen.

It also syncs to your favorite sounds. Yes, not just songs, but sounds. That means you can set it to sync to a podcast – next time you’re listening to Hamilton the Podcast, use this vibrator for the full experience. You can even set the vibrator to pulse along to special recordings, so you’ll never need to leave a normal voicemail again.

But the vibrator’s most unique function is its audiobook functionality.

It calls itself “the vibrator that brings Fifty Shades of Grey to life.” Each erotic story in its collection affects the vibration in different ways. During a gently erotic story, the vibrator may just pulse slightly. During a hardcore erotic story, the vibrator may rattle. This is a whole new way to be immersed in a story. Each story is about 10-20 minutes.

The downside? Well, the vibrator stops whenever characters stop having sex in the story, so you might find yourself frustratingly edging as you skip ahead from 30-second sex scene to 30-second sex scene.

And the jury is still out on whether its lesbian erotic content adequately meets the needs of its queer female readers. The vast majority of the available stories feature shirtless men with six-packs staring moodily into the distance. If that’s your kink, then you’ll be right at home.

But if you’re an avid reader, head to the Vibease Fantasy Erotica page for a truly stimulating literary experience.

Can You Make Your Best Friend Climax Without Touching Her?

Whether you’ve had a crush on your best friend for ten years or whether you two are strictly platonic, you can take your friendship to the next level by giving each other hands-free orgasms. How? With these adorable joint vibrators.

The Sync vibrators are technically made for couples, but female best friends have been using them for a little bit of platonically erotic play. Give this trend a try for yourself.

Step one. Get these matching vibrators with your best friend. Very cute, right? They come in a rainbow of colors.

Step two. Sync your best friend’s vibrator to your phone and vice versa using this app.

Step three. Let go of your fears. You’re doing this.

Step four. Have your best friend insert the vibrator into herself.

Step five. Use the app on your phone to control her vibrator. With her pleasure in your hands, you can make the vibrator go slower, deeper, harder, better, faster, stronger.

The vibrator comes with ten different settings: low, medium, high, ultra, pulse, wave, echo, tide, crest and surf.

With the app’s Beat mode, you can sync the vibrator’s pulsations to music. With the app’s Touch mode, you can control her pleasure with your fingertips.

Best of all, the synched vibrators work from anywhere, so if you and your best friend are too embarrassed to be in the same place, use the app when you’re in separate apartments. Or if you miss your long-distance bestie and want to feel close to her across the ocean, these vibrators are a unique way to keep in touch (without physical touch).

If you’re really adventurous, then insert the small vibrator before you’re about to run errands and tell your bff to surprise you throughout the day.

Of course, you can obviously use these vibrators with your girlfriend – they’re called couple’s vibrators for a reason. But if you’re single or if you just enjoy queerplatonic fun, then why don’t you mix things up and let your best friend control your pleasure?

Get your own at the official website.

 

When Does A Lesbian Lose Her Virginity?

Some women remember the exact moment that they lost their virginity. For some, it was magical. For others, humiliating. For still others, underwhelming or overwhelming or boring.

But for women who sleep with women…many of us aren’t even sure when we lost our virginity.

Everyone has a different opinion of cisgender lesbian sex, because it doesn’t involve penetration with a penis. So what counts as sex? Is it oral? Finger-to-genital touching? Your first orgasm? Do you have to be penetrated with something, even a finger, for it to “count”?

If you’re distressed about whether you’ve actually lost your virginity, don’t be. First, the concept of “virginity” changes based on whom you talk to, even when you’re talking about penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.

Ancient Greeks thought that when a woman had a penis inserted into her for the first time, her throat would permanently grow bigger. Sometimes they determined virginity by the size of a woman’s throat.

More recently, the Kinsey Institute ran a study that showed that 18% of men over the age of sixty believe that PIV sex isn’t sex as long as the man wears a condom. Sex is for procreation, or it isn’t sex.

The same study found that “less than 25 percent of participants considered oral genital behavior to be having sex, more than 60 percent thought that the giver or receiver of oral sex was a sexual partner, and more than 97 percent considered a partner who had oral sex with someone else to be have been unfaithful.” So oral sex isn’t sex, but if you have oral sex then that person is a sexual partner, and oral sex is enough sex to be considered adultery. So it’s simultaneously sex and not sex?

So what does all of this mean? Basically, it means that the definition of sex and virginity are always changing. Always. Sex is whatever you believe it to be. And anyone who believes they have the definitive definition of sex is just kidding themselves.

The exact moment you lost your virginity is whatever moment you think it is. Maybe it’s the first time you went down on a girl. Maybe it’s the first time a girl touched you beneath your bra. Maybe it’s the first time you let your girlfriend use a dildo.

It’s completely up to you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Now, just make sure that you do it safely.

5 Types Of Foods That Will Help Vaginal Health And Boost Your Sex Life

Preparing for a night of passion with your boo is more than just waxing, showering and smelling nice. A healthy vagina is as important as a healthy sex life and these foods can help keep your vagina healthy and well, which of course will boost your sex life too. So, if you know you might be getting lucky between the sheets quite soon, follow our one day eating plan to keep everything it top condition.

Drinks Throughout the Day

Start your day off with some cranberry juice. Cranberries are great for keeping UTI’s at bay due to the bacteria fighting oxidants they contain. Don’t have more than 2 glasses though as the sugar content is quite high.

Green tea is also good for decreasing bacteria as it contains catechins and be sure to also drink plenty of water as water flushes out impurities in the body.

Breakfast

Greek Yogurt and Banana is what’s needed here. Greek yogurt has live cultures which kill off yeast infections and it helps to keep the PH balance correct in your vagina as well. Greek yogurt also contains probiotics which will take away any bloated feelings and the bananas are full of potassium which offsets sodium into the body, therefore helping to keep your tummy flatter too.

Lunch

Salmon, green salad and sweet potatoes is the perfect combination, not only because it tastes just great but because the properties in these foods will work wonders for your sexual health.

Salmon is full of omega-3 fatty acids which helps improve circulation, therefore keeping you supple. Fatty acids also keep blood flow consistent to your sex organs which will help enhance your sex life and help with lubrication.

Sweet potatoes are full of vitamin A which helps generate hormones for energy and also helps with sex drive too. The green salad is also good for circulation which helps to increase stimulation and arousal.

Snack

An apple and handful of almonds will not only keep you from feeling hungry but will also help your sex drive and lady parts out too. Apples contain phloridzin which mimics the female sex hormone estradiol and vitamin E is aplenty in almonds which are full of hydrating properties. No vaginal dryness happening to you with a handful of these nuts, that’s for sure.

Dinner

Sushi is the best meal to have for your dinner. Have a tuna and avocado roll as the omega 3 and the B6 is great for libido. The miso and edamame will help with lubrication and wasabi is an aphrodisiac which will help get you in the mood. For dessert enjoy a light dark chocolate mousse. Dark chocolate contains dopamine which is a feel good chemical, ensuring that you will be in a great mood to enjoy your night of passion later.


Why Your Sex Life Will Improve At 30

So many women complain that they have never had an orgasm from their partner’s finger or a dildo and have actually said out loud that perhaps the G-spot simply doesn’t exist. But it does. However, we only become aware of how to achieve an orgasm through penetration only, or how to relax enough to come, through self-awareness and confidence, both of which also come with maturity.

We all know the clit is the only way to shudder, right? Wrong. The G-spot does exist, orgasms can be achieved with your boo’s finger or a dildo, but, it’s most likely to happen when you have reached these pivotal points in your life and not before. As we mature we go on a learning curve and that includes learning how to have good sex. Here are some reasons why your sex life will improve when you hit your 30’s.

You’ll Learn to Position Yourself Correctly

Seriously, this is true. As the years pass we learn new things and this includes new things about our bodies. By the time you are 30 you will know exactly how to be positioned during sex to ensure that orgasm happens, even during penetrative sex. Women gain more confidence as they get older and this means you won’t feel so insecure shifting around, moving your hips or elevating your legs to ensure the spot is hit. It’s an age and experience thing, honestly.

You Won’t Hate Your Body

We don’t mean that the second after you hit 30 you’ll no longer have any insecurities, of course you will, but, they will not be so important to you. It’s all about our prospective of self-image. We start exercising more as we get older, we will try more things to combat aging and we tend to have more meaningful relationships with partner’s that make us feel good about ourselves. So, we begin to develop more self-confidence and realise that it doesn’t matter if we have a few wobbly bits, we know we still look quite hot. When you reach this point you’ll not spend the whole time during sex worrying about how you look. You’ll relax more and learn to embrace the moment and enjoy it.

You Will Become More Open-minded in the Bedroom

In our 20’s the thought of being handcuffed to the bed post, dressing up or becoming submissive can send us into a complete state of panic. But when you get older, it won’t. As you become more relaxed and confident as you age, you will become more open to experimental fun in the bedroom which will lead you to discover new sensations and find new turn-on’s. You will go past the point of worrying that you look stupid or you’re not doing it right and you’ll immerse yourself completely into experimentation, most of which would have horrified you ten years ago.

You’ll Only Fuck Girls That Treat You Well

How many of us can put our hands up and confess we’ve slept with some right bitches, simply because they showed us a bit of attention? Well, you will eventually get to the point when you don’t need flattery from some cow to make you feel good about yourself. You’ll only sleep with people that show you respect and treat you with respect, all of which will help you grow as a person and learn that you deserve the best, not a few hours of sex from a person that doesn’t care about you at all.

You’ll Have More Sober Sex

Most of us party during our late teens and twenties. It’s a fact. This means lots of the sex we have is a drunken, meaningless fumble that we can barely remember. Not the best way to learn what we like and what we don’t like in the bedroom and not great when we wake up in the morning and can barely remember what we did the night before. You won’t participate in this kind of behaviour by the time you reach 30. You’re likely to be slightly more responsible and not see the point in wasting your money on getting pissed and hooking up with someone for a one night stand.

You Will Only Sleep with Women That Rock Your Boat

A number of women will sleep with someone because they feel they ‘have to’ not because they actually want to. Trust us, you will stop doing that. Eventually you will decide yourself whether you find someone attractive enough to want to have sex with them or not. Just because you went on a nice date and had fun doesn’t mean you owe her anything and you will get to the point that you feel confident enough not to feel like you owe anyone anything.


Thurst – This Dating App Offers More for Queer People

Gay men have Grindr. Gay women have Her. Straight people have OKCupid and Plenty Of Fish and JDate and Tinder and Bumble. (Okay, queer people technically have access to all of those too, but the pickings are slim, and those platform were definitely not designed for us.)

Where do you look for a new lover if you’re attracted to more than one gender?

If you’re genderqueer, where do you look for a lover who will accept your identity unquestioningly?

Thurst is “the first dating app designed for queer people of all genders.”

It was designed by Morgen Bromell, a queer woman of color who was tired of seeing cisgender white men dictate the app-based dating industry. A straight white man created Tinder, and almost all other dating apps have stemmed from that, implementing a swipe-based system that doesn’t always work for queer people.

Bromell created Thurst for “queer, cis, trans and non-binary folk who are seeking to connect in person.”

What makes it different from other queer dating apps? First, Thurst has enhanced levels of security – in many U.S. states someone can be fired for being LGBT, so being discovered on a queer app carries elevated risks. Second, Thurst doesn’t just let you choose “Seeking Women” or “Seeking Men and Women” like Tinder does. You can also look for people based on their kinks and fetishes. And you can filter people based on how they identify politically.

The only questionable aspect of Thurst is that it also allows you to filter by race. While Bromell undoubtedly means well, this feature risks fostering the same racism that has made Grindr infamous.

Still, Thurst has gained a lot of well-earned praise for pushing beyond the gender binary. As Bromell says:

I have always centered and prioritized trans folks and especially trans women, who face unparalleled levels of violence. These are essential principles, and embracing non-mainstream understanding of how to care for people has influenced the ways I envision Thurst, as not only an app, but a platform for cultural change. My hope is that we can allow folks to express the truths of their existence and be their full selves while seeking to connect with others, however that may look for them.

Check out the app for yourself.

8 Tips For Dating A Trans Woman, From a Trans Woman

Trans women are women. Period.

And, as with dating any woman, there are many DOs and DON’Ts. Transgender writer Leila Blake recently sat down to school cisgender on people on how to have an amazing relationship with a transgender woman.

Here’s what she said:

1. Don’t use the word “tranny.”

That is a derogatory term used in porn and it turns transgender women into objects.

2. Don’t expect her to teach you.

Leila says that too many cisgender people ask her questions that they could just Google themselves, such as “What’s the difference between a cross-dresser and a transgender person?” She’s not a textbook. Ask Jeeves.

3. Don’t expect her to roll right into bed.

Society frames transgender women in terms of what they’re able to do sexually – who can forget the awful Crying Game scene that demonized a sexy woman who dared to have a penis? In real life, don’t expect a transgender woman to want to move straight into the bedroom.

4. Don’t hide her away.

Leila says that for many people, “We’re ‘good enough’ for sex but not to be taken out in public.” Don’t be the idiot who tries to hide your relationship.

5. Steer clear of stereotypes.

You know that it’s bad to stereotype – not all black people are rappers, not all Asian people are math geniuses, and not all white people are trailer trash. But when it comes to transgender people, you might be holding stereotypes you didn’t even know you had, especially if you haven’t met a transgender person before. Don’t assume that all transgender women have penises (or don’t), that they’re all sex workers or criminals (like on Orange is the New Black), that they envy cisgender women (trans women are women) or that they want to look stereotypically feminine (butch trans women exist). Don’t excuse your ignorance by saying, “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

6. Don’t bring up sexual intercourse on the first date.

This is one of Leila’s personal rules. Not all transgender people are comfortable with their bodies, so they may not be comfortable discussing sex. Some are. Some aren’t. Tread lightly and wait for her to bring it up first.

7. Talk about sex before you do it.

Open communication is important in any sexual relationship, especially queer sexual relationships, cisgender or not. Before you sleep with her, ask her what she’s comfortable with.

8. Support her transition.

If you’re in a relationship with a transgender woman for a long period of time, especially a woman at the beginning of her transition, then be prepared for a lot of changes. Transitioning is difficult, emotionally and physically and financially. Support her.

For more of Leila’s tips, read this recent piece.

Straight Women Get Frank About Having Lesbian Fantasies

YouTube vlogger Arielle Scarcella has brought together a group of straight women to discuss their relationship with lesbian fantasy and the spectrum of human sexuality.

If we didn’t have all of this external bullshit making us think that we have to be a certain way… [people] would not be afraid to explore things like that.”

Indications You Might Be An ‘Undateable Girl’ (And How To Fix It)

If you find you are constantly finding fault with every woman you meet or you have unrealistic expectations on how your ideal woman should look and act, you are probably making yourself an ‘undateable girl.’ The girl that is impossible to date because you want and demand the impossible from your partner.

Being picky is OK, but having such high expectations that can never be met means you are simply going to struggle to find a woman to date. Perhaps you are simply expecting your future partner to cope with your lifestyle and you are not prepared to give and take.

You might not even be aware that you are making yourself undateable through your own actions so below are some signs that you might be the ‘undateable girl’ with some tips and ideas on how to help fix it.

You find fault with every girl you date

If you cast your mind back to your last few partners did you find fault with them all? Was one girl not intelligent enough, did the other have a crap job or didn’t have as much ambition as you wanted her to have? Nobody is perfect and you are likely to let miss right slip through your fingers if you are more focused on what she isn’t instead of what she is. The next time you date a girl focus on the qualities that she does have and think about whether you like them. She could be loving, loyal and great fun to be around but if you are blinded by your list of expectations you will miss all that she can offer you.

You are too full on

If you are quite emotional and have a tendency to pour all your feelings out really quickly you are likely to send most girls running for the hills. Don’t reveal too much about yourself on the first few dates. It’s better to keep an air of mystery around yourself as all girls like a bit of intrigue and this way you are likely to go past the second date too.

You love single life

Being single sure has its advantages but it can get lonely eventually, especially when all your friends have hooked up with partners and you are left on your own. If your need to stay single is preventing you from meeting someone perhaps you should think about the bigger picture and the future, not just the here are now. Besides, it is possible to be in a relationship and still enjoy spending time with your friends.

Your career is your life

Your work and career is and should be a top priority, but you should still make time for a partner. If you are only focused on your work twenty-four/seven that leaves no room for playing the dating game. This will put girls off if they feel you have no time for them. Try to find a balance between the two because your job can’t keep you warm at night.

You don’t have a lot of patience

Not having a lot of patience can be a hindrance in relationships. If you get annoyed with every single thing your boo says and does it’s not fair on her. Try to let some things go over you and relax a bit more. No one is perfect and we all do things that annoy others.

You are saving yourself for Miss Right

We all have expectations of how our dream girl will be, but let’s get real here, that’s just a fantasy. Living in a dream world expecting a perfect vision of your miss right to find her way into your life is not very realistic and means you are missing opportunities with other women that could be just as right for you. Remember that no one is perfect and it’s very unlikely anyone can meet all your expectations so stop being so stubborn and get to know a girl first before deciding if she is ‘miss right’ from the offset.

You are scared to get close to someone

Holding back completely is as bad as wearing your heart on your sleeve. You need to give yourself and your girl a chance. You may have gotten your heart broken in the past and this is stopping you from giving your heart to someone else, but each relationship is individual. Embrace each new woman with a positive outlook and see what happens. Even if it doesn’t work out at least you are not cutting yourself off from the dating game.

Breaking out of the ‘undateable girl’ zone is possible but only you can do it. So overcome the things that are holding you back and make yourself ‘dateable’ again.

Things Every Queer Woman Should Know Before Buying A Sex Toy

What comes to your mind when thinking of sex toys?

My previous (imagined) experience would include images of tacky, badly photoshopped, even vulgar sex shop webpages with funny product names that sometimes I like to call to my partner’s cat with because they’re small, cute, and like to interfere, like a butt plug (I’m terrible at making jokes, I know, and I do apologize for the effort).

I grew up in a quite sheltered environment, so I know how weird and shameful it might feel the first time when you sneak a few peaks online – let alone visit a sex shop irl – even if, as a queer person, you think you’ve overcome all your internalized shaming when it comes to body, gender and sexuality.

I was lucky enough to be with a friend who didn’t have any of this internalized bullshit, and was also much better educated than me on the matters of silicone friends and jelly companions.

She introduced me to LoveHoney from which I ordered my first goodies – in value-for-money prices, quick delivery, high quality and very discreet packaging. It’s a website I really do recommend, even without getting anything out of promote it because, as my friend thought too, I think that everyone deserves a good, affordable, quality sex life, and sex toys really can help discover what your body likes, spend some bonding time with yourself, or explore further hidden pleasure islands with your sexy times partner.

There are all different kinds of sex toys – and sex shops – out there, willing to fulfill all your different needs and fantasies. Of course, some of them are more queer friendly than others, but what most of us can agree is that, the majority of marketing, advertising, and toy production, is still wrapped in normalized hetero – and cis-normativity. Small steps are still being made towards inclusion – and accessible sexy times for all – but there still remain some issues to be addressed.

In this article, I will not speak as an expert who has visited all basement wonderlands in my country and has written a hoard of reviews online. On the contrary, what I wish to share with other newbies out there, is my young, pure, yet opposed to social constructions of virginity, experience as a fellow newbie who still hasn’t figured out what a Vac U Lock is.

I want to share with you what first grasped my attention on my short and fresh journey through google searches about sex toys for queer peepz, my first floral harness eBay order, and my first ideas of hosting an artistic exhibition with nebula-painted clone-a-pussies, what baffled me, what annoyed me, and what made me squee with sweet-summer-child excitement.


The steps already made – and all the cool stuff

When I said heteronormative, I’ll have to be honest that I expected much worse. I’m gonna stick with LoveHoney just because this was my own lived experience – and because it’s affordable enough to get anyone as indecisive as me easily started – but I’m going to share more directly queer-oriented sex shops below.

First of all, the reviews are pretty amazing. I especially love how explanatory, full of personal experience, and valuable advice the reviews are on the two impeccable rainbow dildos! People can also state their gender and sexual orientation so that the customers reading the reviews can decide how much they relate. The options are quite limited though, to male, female, and I’d rather not say, as well as straight, gay, and bi. I found that rather problematic – I chose “I’d rather not say” and “bisexual”, but when I tried to register for student discount, the options were only male and female…

Now it’s true that the variety of sex toys I came into was intense, and while I didn’t feel that a trans person would see themselves represented, the language was at least not heterosexist.

There were some great products that I wished I had infinite money to order, like the Big Box of Sexual Happiness, the chocolate orange body paint and the dick shaped food I’d love to cook for a formal family dinner one day.

But first of all, let me introduce myself, to…


The butt

Oh, all the fanfiction read under the covers, all the fantasies my upbringing told me to push away. All the fluidity of my different identities and the connotations that came with them… I finally decided to browse online and educate myself on my options. Anal can be particularly tricky – even dangerous – if not done right, so better do your research first. I’ll step away now because I’m certainly not an expert, and do not wish to misinform you on anything, but here is a handy anal guide from early2bed. Warning: some anatomical language.

Before I leave you wondering if I actually have anything to share or if I’m just gonna read some more fanfiction, I’ll show you my fave glittery alien tiny anal starter dildo. Go read the reviews. I trust they will be overly helpful for you.


The whole new world of people whose gender I do not wish to assume based on their genitals

I know that a “whole new lesbian world” is a section many people may feel like it’s lacking from the general sex toy discourse, and it is. It’s something I would be desperately looking for a couple of years ago, in the midst of heterosexist guides and advice. But right now I’d rather not use the term “lesbian”, for several reasons: not all women who love women are lesbians, not all lesbians, bi and pan women have the same anatomy and therefore the same needs, not all people who might be interested in similar products are women, let alone lesbians, and the point, in my opinion, is to start making the sex language– the language that has to do with bodily pleasure – less gendered than it already, heavily and oppressively is.

So what I’m gonna do, is redirect you to another article that you might find pretty helpful, on Cosmopolitan which has been doing admirable work in including sex-positive, explanatory and inclusive LGBT issues. Dannielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo share their experience on visiting Toys in Babeland, a queer-owned sex shop in Brooklyn, and also make perfectly clear that all toys can be used for all bodies and genders, with some creativity! They unbox Strap-Ons, Harnesses, Dildos, vibrating fingertips, butt plugs, and cuffing.

Also check LoveHoney for excellent range of love eggs and jiggle balls, affordable vibrators (this rubber duck is next on my list), and a wide range of Strap-Ons to use with your partner. If you are as cheap as I am, you can go on eBay for harnesses. Just be a bit creative with keywording (you might end up with sexy lacey products directed to cis gay men, but they do their work just fine) but it’s gonna cost you less than 3 euros.

Smitten Kitten is another queer-friendly online shop – with much less gendered, and more inclusive language for people of all genders and bodies. It’s slightly on the pricier side but it is value-for-money, considering just how attractive and artistic most of their products look, the fabulous pelvic exercisers, the realistic skin-tones of their sex toys, the BDSM gear, and finally, their gender expression section.

They also have a mouthwatering, heart-eye-inducing book section, with LGBTQ guides, Polyamory books, Body positive books, and adorable feminist, funny, kitsch, sex and companionship gifts.


The wall-mounted toys

Thank Cosmo and her queer majesty Lane Moore, here you can find a complete guide to wall-mounted sex toys. Riding your wall or kitchen counter can be more fun than you think, but please stay away from the fridge.


The lack of toys directed to trans women

Which is pretty self-explanatory on its own, and it’s very sad and discouraging. An extensive google search will leave you with few to no results, and certainly everyone can use the toys that already exist, but I imagine it cannot feel that welcoming to browse through a page that is misgendering you. I don’t think it would be that hard to create another page directed to the needs of binary and non-binary trans individuals, or at least to keep your products ungendered when it comes to language, colours and stereotyping imagery, in the way that Smitten Kitten does.

Early2bed has this pretty extensive guide for trans women and sex toys, written by trans artist and educator Rebecca Kling. Warning: Just keep in mind that, while it seems very helpful and offers really important information, it uses some explicit, anatomic language.


The packing

What people of the LGBTQ+ community are also looking for when browsing on online sex shops, are packers, packing underwear and harnesses. While usually it’s trans men who pack, in this well-researched and sourced Cosmo article by Lane Moore, that is also a guide to packing for all people, examples of people of all different genders and bodies who are into the habit of packing are given, either for aligning more their body image to what makes them comfortable, altering their gender expression, or feeling more at ease during sex.

If you are looking for something affordable to start with I will inevitably redirect you to LoveHoney, just because I made my first purchase there, but there are many sites directed especially to trans men and gender-non-conforming people out there, that also have a wide range of packers in different skin tones that also allow people to have sex or pee while standing.

Buck Off is another trans-directed toy, considered the world’s first sex toy for trans men, designed by trans activist and entrepreneur Buck Angel. It is specifically designed for people who are experiencing the effects of testosterone while transitioning, and the reason I’m including it is that it might not only be trans men who are in the process or transitioning and experience discomfort with their bodies, but also gender-non-conforming people who might prefer this toy for masturbation. (Warning: anatomic language used in the sites linked).


The variety

A quick google search or just an online/mouth-to-mouth conversation with people from your local community will provide you with many queer friendly-inclusive-oriented shops. Other shops I have no experience with but looked promising were Good Vibes, My Bedroom Spice, Wet For Her, and another great article on sex toys for queer folks. The main issue I think we need to keep fighting against, and urge the mainstream – both straight and queer – sex shop industry to stop doing, is the use of problematic and harmful heteronormative and cis-sexist labelling and language, so that everyone feels comfortable when shopping for their sexual wellbeing and pleasure.

Body Language Signs That Indicate She Can’t Be Trusted

It’s very hard in this day and age to work out if you can trust someone but scientists have discovered through a two part experiment that there are actually 4 body language indicators that could show deceit.

And according to the study, we psychologically pick up on these indicators and can lead us to feel uneasy about someone who we don’t know or meet for the first time.

The body language signs are hand touching, face touching, crossing arms and leaning backwards. The first part of the study was conducted with humans and the second part was conducted using a robot. When the robot used the four movements people claimed they didn’t trust what the robot was saying or doing.

People who took part in the study were also able to distinguish whether they distrusted someone or didn’t like them which shows that we might like someone we meet for the first time but wouldn’t trust them with our money, for example.

Body language is often used to indicate a person’s attitude in everyday situations as well, such as during job interviews or when being questioned by the police for example.

Apparently, we are conditioned to think that if someone is not making eye contact with us they have something to hide or if someone is crossing their arms and leaning back when we are talking to them we think they are not interested in what is being said or they are being defensive.

Overall, it’s important to remember that it’s not just about what we say to others when we are interacting but it’s also important to be aware of our movements and gestures as well, especially if we want to make a good impression at a job interview or when meeting an important client for the first time.

Fact, Lesbians And Bi Women Are Having Much Better Sex Than Their Straight Counterparts

Researchers at American universities and the Kinsey Institute found that straight women are having the least satisfying sex out of everyone, a study has found.

After surveying more than 52,000 adults, who identify as a variety of sexual orientations, only a third of straight women said they were able to orgasm every time they had sex.

This compared to 86% of lesbians whi said they were able to orgasm every time they had sex with around two-thirds of women who identified as bisexual saying the same.

The study also found that women who were more likely to receive oral sex were more likely to orgasm, as well as be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed and wear sexy underwear.

The study suggests that a possible reason for lesbians having better rates of orgasm could be that women know how to please other women better.

It added that gay women were better at taking turns than straight men – meaning the likelihood of orgasm increased.

What Your Facebook Posts Can Secretly Reveal About Your Relationship

How many of us know at least one couple that post photos of themselves together constantly, want to share with the world how they both had the same breakfast or tag each other in silly little comments of love and adoration for each other? Well, according to a few experts these couples might not be as happy as we think and they are simply seeking validation for their relationship from other people.

Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist and relationship expert from Australia believes that:

Often it’s the people who post the most who are seeking validation for their relationship from other people on social media, the likes and comments can be so validating that when someone is really struggling, that’s where they get their up from – not the person making the gesture, but what other people say about it.”

Goldstein also suggested the couples who are so keen to take pictures of each other and immediately upload them to social media are often missing out and not living in the moment with their partners. They are more interested in what people have to say rather than enjoy the moment they are in.  She claims:

Couples are taking these photos, straight away putting them online and then watching the likes and comments instead of being with their partners.”

Apparently, couples that refer to their partner online as ‘my girl’ or ‘my babe’ can also be showing signs of possessiveness with the use of ‘my.’ Goldstein does give advice for couples that like to share photos of themselves with their partners. She suggests:

If you are going to post… keep it fun and entertaining for people, not mushy and possessive.”

This does go to show that social media isn’t really a reflection of true life. We can choose what we want people to know but sometimes our behaviour online can tell others a lot more than we are admitting or would want them to know. When you next see a gushing loved up photo of a couple you know, they might not be as happy and in love as you think.

There Is A Very Common Post-Sex Problem That We Don’t Talk About Enough

If you are honest, how many times have you had an enjoyable bout of lovemaking and afterwards felt tearful, sad, anxious or agitated and not understood why?

Well, there is a reason for this. It’s called Post-coital dysphoria and a recent study showed that it affected 46% of women who took part in a survey about their feelings after sex. Denise Knowles, a sex therapist and counsellor at relationships charity Relate, told The Independent:

It’s not uncommon to feel sad after sex.  it comes down the explosion of hormones in the body after sex, including endorphins, oxytocin and prolactin. Having sex is a hugely intimate act and an orgasm releases lots of wonderful feel-good bonding hormones. Those hormones drop following the peak of an orgasm, and as you separate from the closeness that brought it about, a sense of sadness can follow.”

Apparently, it’s almost like a form of separation anxiety when we feel really close to our partner, have experienced intense feelings of joy and pleasure and then it stops. Knowles went on the say:

You go from absolute joy and pleasure to being separated. That in its own way can cause women, and some men, to feel a bit sad. But it’s an organic biological function which happens to a greater or lesser extent to many people. It usually means that you’re in a very heightened state of emotional arousal and the come-down on the other side of that is what naturally happens.”

A sufferer of Post – coital dysphoria, Jerilyn, opened up about her episodes. She said:

Even when I was single, the post-sex depression morphed into a different shade of empty. I always attributed it to the fear of being abandoned. I started to wonder if something was being taken from me every time I had sex, even though I enjoyed the act itself.”

It is quite worrying that this issue is a lot more common than people realise and sufferers are probably worrying that how they sometimes feel after sex is not normal.

More needs to be done to bring awareness to this and sufferers should not be afraid to open to their partners about how they are left feeling sometimes after sex. So, girls, if you have suffered from this in the past or have experienced it recently, tell your partner. She can’t give you a hug or try to understand if you don’t let her know how you are feeling.

What The Women Who Discovered G-Spots Wants You To Know About Sex

Dr Beverly Whipple a researcher who helped to identify the G-spot and female ejaculation gave an interview to The Independent and summed up what her decades of research has taught her. Dr Whipple said she has dedicated her whole life to focusing on validating the pleasurable, sensual, and sexual experiences that women report and there are some things that still surprise women when they experience a new sensation or experience for the first time. When asked what an orgasm actually is, she said,

The definition of orgasm is what a woman says is an orgasm. Below are the main points that Dr Whipple thinks are important for a woman to know about sex and orgasms.”

Orgasms can block pain

During her work with a top psychologist, Dr Barry Komisaruk, the pair discovered that orgasms double a woman’s pain threshold and during labour the baby passes the g-spot which means without this childbirth would be even more painful. Whipple said:

When we measure orgasms we see a significant increase in heart rate, blood pressure, diameter of the pupil, and in pain thresholds. Those are the major physiological measurements that we have made.”

Women can achieve orgasm through their imagination

While working at the faculty at Rutgers College in New York she investigated some reports from women that women could reach orgasm without being touched and using only their imaginations. Researchers tested this by measuring the size of women’s pupils, blood pressure and heart rate during orgasm from their imagination and from being stimulated manually in the G-spot. MRA scans later proved that the same areas of the brain are activated. It was therefore backed up that orgasms could be achieved through using the imagination only.

Any erogenous zone can achieve an orgasm in a woman

While working with sex therapist Gina Ogden, they pieced together 15 different types of touch across 35 different body areas that could lead to orgasm. Whittle said that many women never discover these as clitoral or vaginal stimulation is the quickest way to achieve orgasm. She said:

The whole point is to help women to realise that what they find pleasurable, sensually and sexually is what they should enjoy and not feel that they have to fit into one model of only one way to respond. We must give women the permission to enjoy what they enjoy. It is all very individual and it’s all normal.”

Blended orgasms are real

Whittle also discovered during her work with Gina that it was possible for a woman to achieve orgasms together from stimulation of more than one body part. She called these blended orgasms. Dr Whittle claims

Women can have stimulation of more than one area of the body at the same time, and experience orgasm where you are stimulating more than one nerve pathway. That might involve clitoral and vaginal stimulation.”

Sex is more than just reaching an orgasm

Dr Whittle stresses that rushing to the final ‘goal’ of an orgasm takes away a lot of other pleasures you could be enjoying. She believes that sex should be more about the experience and the different sensations rather than worrying about whether or not you achieved orgasm. Her advice on this is:

 It starts with a touch, a kiss, and the penetration of the vagina is the top step. If people who are goal orientated don’t reach that top step don’t feel very good about the whole process. When you use the words ‘reach’ or ‘achieve’ you’re setting up orgasm as a goal, if you use ‘experience’ it happens but it doesn’t have to be the goal.”

This all sounds like great advice and some of the things mentioned is quite surprising. Here’s to many more enjoyable, self-discovering sexual experiences for all of us.

Five Very Real Problems When You Have More Than One Sexual Partner

Some girls are one woman only types, whereas the mere thought of only being with one sexual partner can send other girls into a state of panic. For those of you that have more than one partner at any given time these set ups are known as polyamory.

It means a relationship that involves more than one partner, each person involved knows of the other and there are normally clear boundaries involving a lot of open and honest communication.

Research has in fact shown that these types of relationships can be healthier than monogamous relationships as those involved tend to tackle issues directly in order to keep the relationship going. But polyamory does not come without its own set of problems.

Time Is of The Essence

We all know that daily life takes up most of our time. Working, housekeeping and family keep the majority of us occupied most days. So, imagine splitting yourself between two or more others as well? If you want to spend quality time with someone and keep the relationship alive that time has to be applied to all parties involved. When is there time to sleep?

It’s Not Cheap

Going out on multiple dates, double the birthday and Christmas presents and double the amount spent in general. Money is tight for most folk and those who have more than one partner have double the money to spend.

Polyamory Means Different Things To Different People

One of the main issues in polyamorous relationships occurs when a person has a set idea on what it means but potential partners have another idea on what it means to them. For example, if one partner thinks it’s ok to have lots of sexual partners, but the other partner thinks only having meaningful relationships with others is acceptable this can quickly ruin the set up. The only way for open relationships to work is to make sure there are clear boundaries that all parties agree to.

Acceptance From Others

Not everyone is willing to accept relationships such as these so finding partners can be difficult along with other people not understanding and having a negative opinion of it. If for example you all decide to live together the law does not accept polygamy and problems can arise from family issues in court to landlords booting you out if they are not happy about the set-up.

Sexual Health

The more sexual partners you have the more at risk you put yourself from STI’s. This means that care has to be taken between all parties involved and some people may even insist on yearly sexual screening tests to make sure they stay safe. This in itself can cause issues if one of your sexual partners does happen to contract an STI which you then catch and pass on to one of your other sexual partners. Using as much protection as possible is the only way to stay safe.

A Simple Exercise That Can Help You Have Amazing Sex

It’s strange that sex is one of the most natural things the majority of us do and yet so many of us get embarrassed talking about it and according to a recent study carried out by Relate 51% are not happy with their sex lives.

It looks like we could all benefit from something a sex expert called Dr Steven De Wit has suggested that he calls the ‘sex menu.’

A sex menu is a list of things you love, hate or would be up for trying during sex. Dr Wit has composed a really detailed list that he says only takes twenty minutes to fill in.

He suggests that you are completely honest with yourself and rate each thing accordingly. There are suggested turn-ons such as bondage, caning and biting which you can rate as love, hate or willing to try.

On his website he gives advice on how to then share this list with your partner or with any new partner you meet. This list focuses more on pleasure giving and experimentation rather than just aiming to achieve an orgasm and he claims that there will be things on the list that you had not thought of previously trying but like the sound of, or there will be other things on the list that you will find gross.

He says that being honest with yourself is the best way to get the most from the list and a way to ensure that you can keep your sex life varied and fun with your partner.

You can visit his website and fill in the sex menu here: www.drdewit.com

5 Lesbians You’ll Meet On Tinder

When you open Tinder, you never know what you’re going to get. You might find your soul mate, you might find a serial killer. The hot girl with the colored braids might turn out to be a catfish with a dark past. Every swipe is a risk – no, an adventure.

And who are you likely to meet on this adventure?


TYPE: The Taste-Tester

The Taste-Tester is a lesbian. Probably. She’s not sure yet. Maybe she’s bisexual? She’s only dated guys, but she thinks girls are cute, so would you like to try it out?

How to spot one: She sounds nervous, and makes a point of stating that this is her first time. “I’ve never done this before” is code for “I might suddenly leave, decide I’m straight and break your heart.” Proceed with caution.

Great for: anyone who doesn’t mind showing a baby gay the ropes.

Bad for: anyone who drives a U-Haul to first dates.


TYPE: The Unicorn Hunters

The only thing better than sex with a stranger is sex with two strangers.

The Unicorn Hunters are a fun-loving heterosexual couple looking for a “unicorn” – a bisexual woman who will have a threesome and then leave without expecting any emotional attachments. Basically, a free human sex toy.

How to spot them: The first profile picture is of a beautiful girl – which is why you swiped right – but subsequent photos feature a mildly attractive guy with his arm around this girl. They’ll probably start their Tinder conversation with “threesome? ;)”

Great for: anyone looking to experiment with no strings attached.

Bad for: anyone with personal space issues.


TYPE: Waldo

The Waldo is that girl. Wait, no, that girl. No, that one. Her profile picture is her surrounded by a bunch of hot girls, so it’s impossible to tell which one she is – you swipe right in the hopes of winning the lottery, only to find out that she wasn’t the one you hoped she was.

How to spot one: Her pictures are large groups. If there is a solo pic, she’s probably silhouetted against a sunset under the pretense of looking “artistic.”

Great for: anyone who believes beauty is more than skin-deep.

Bad for: anyone hoping to find a hot girlfriend to show off in front of their ex.


TYPE: The Salesman

The Salesman thinks that you should follow her on Instagram, check out her website, purchase a few products and tell all your friends. After all, the most effective form of advertisement is a free dating app, right?

How to spot one: One of her profile pictures is of a product. Her bio lists her full contact details, including her LinkedIn and her speaking fee.

Great for: anyone looking to purchase haircare products from a stranger.

Bad for: anyone who doesn’t want to hand over their money to a stranger.


TYPE: The Man

The Man knows you’re a lesbian, but you’re just a lesbian because you haven’t slept with him yet. Besides, everyone knows that lesbian really means “bisexual” and bisexual really means “I’ll sleep with everything.”

How to spot one: Sometimes these accounts are just men who put “Female” in their facebook profile so that they can access the Women for Women Tinder section. Sometimes these men are catfishing you behind pictures of cute girls they culled from Google Images. If the conversation starts with “so are you into men?” or an eggplant emoji, think carefully about your next move.

Great for: straight women.

Bad for: lesbians.

4 Hints You’re In A Toxic Relationship With Someone

Toxic relationships are the bane of people’s existence. Why they are still a thing to this day, I’m not really sure either. But we’ve all fallen victim to one of these traps, whether we’d like to admit it or not. Fortunately, there’s a way out should we choose to accept it and let go of these nasty people.

Here are ways to spot a toxic relationship with whomever, and why you should be bidding them goodbye.


You make excuses for them.

This is a huge ass red flag you shouldn’t be ignoring. Maybe you’re doing it subconsciously, maybe you’re not. Either way, you should stop; because this just means this person is no good for you or your health.

You can’t make excuses for someone who’s done nothing wrong. Do you see where I’m going with this? It usually starts small, and then blossoms into bigger lies and a much more complicated web. You get caught up in something that isn’t even your doing just cause you were making excuses for some poor excuse of a person who is manipulating you to do just that. (OK, actually, maybe it is your doing, but this person made you do it whether or not they’re – or you’re – aware.)

(I know you’re going to say this person isn’t trying to control you whatsoever, but you’ve just solidified my point, thanks very much!)


You know you’re just settling.

This one is just sad.

Toxic relationships oftentimes slip through tiny holes; the people involved are unaware they’re taking each other down. When they’re aware, however, it’s an entirely different story and it’s literally just so sad.

When you know to yourself that you can definitely do better, leave the person. Cut ties with them and move on. This is not only for SOs, but also friendships and relationships in general.

Don’t settle. Don’t pick being comfortable over riskier, real ones. Don’t be (friends) with a person just because it’s easy. Convenience is a very shitty reason to remain in whatever relationship you have with someone. And you’re doing the world a disservice.

Don’t be unfair to them, but more importantly, don’t be unfair to yourself.


You enable one another.

Please don’t. Please leave. That ride or die friend or SO of yours is sick, I’m aware; but there’s always that invisible border where you have to draw the line. Vices or bad habits in general should not be condoned. Ever. Refrain from being shitty people by letting each other be shitty.

If that person in your life is letting you bum your ass off without ever giving you advice or giving you that much-needed pep-talk, it’s time to let them go.


You hold each other back.

You know what? This should be number one on the list.

A healthy relationship feeds off achievements and accomplishments and genuine compliments and support. If your SO or friend is holding you back because you have the ability to achieve something without their direct contribution, bid them goodbye.

If s/he’s hindering you from your growth – whether that may be in terms of career or just life in general – then there’s no other reason to remain in cahoots with this person.

You deserve genuine support and a load of their overwhelming love (most especially if you’ve achieved something huge). No questions asked.


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Straight Women Explain Why They Love Watching Lesbian Porn

Despite the stereotype that men love lesbian porn (it’s the 6th most popular search on the site), women are actually the ones who are searching it out in droves.

In fact, they’re 132 percent more likely to search for lesbian porn than men are. While the data doesn’t differentiate between gay, straight or bisexual women who are searching these terms, the numbers are so overwhelmingly high that it’s clear many heterosexual women are looking at it, too.

In the latest video from popular lesbian YouTube vlogger Arielle Scarcella brings together a group of straight women to discuss why they enjoy watching lesbian porn.

So why is lesbian porn consumed by women who identify as straight?

According to Scarcella, it largely comes down to pleasure and the nature of sex between women.

It’s easier for women to imagine themselves receiving pleasure when it’s more focused on the women in it, and there being two of them,” Scarcella told The Huffington Post. “And it’s usually more sensual rather than ‘in and out’ and done with when the guy comes.”

Can New Dating App “Click” Replace Lesbian Bars?

Where do you go if you want to find the woman of your dreams?

Back in the day, you and your gal pal super squad would flock to your nearest lesbian bar and connect with cute girls over gin and tonic. But lesbian bars have all but disappeared.

So where do you go now? You could swipe right on a few dozen faces on Tinder, Her or Feeld, but hookup-oriented apps get old fast.

You could go drinking at a regular bar and hope to get lucky, or join a softball league and hope the pitcher is finally over her ex.

Click is the solution.

Liz James, queer entrepreneur, was tired of lacking a safe space for her and her lesbian friends.

She told Curve,

Lesbian bars have almost completely disappeared due to gentrification, mainstreaming, the internet culture and a shift in how we identify with more fluid gender identities becoming the norm rather than the exception.”

She modeled her groundbreaking dating app Click on one of the lesbian bars of days past. The home page even features a neon sign boasting “Open 24/7.”

Click calls itself an alternative to lesbian dating apps. There’s no swiping here. Instead, the app matches users based on shared interests, values and desires.

Want to meet that feminist, nerdy, surfer who likes sushi and hamburgers?” says James. “The one that plays Texas Holdem and watches Star Trek re-runs?! She’s out there.”

Click is more than a dating app. It’s also for people who want to find new friends or reconnect with old ones, hang out with the general lesbian community, find emotional support, hunt for a hook-up, reunite with an old flame or meet the potential love of their lives.

Will Click succeed where most lesbian apps have failed? After all, perhaps there’s a reason that lesbian bars are shutting down and most lesbian dating apps aren’t taking off the way Grindr and Tinder have. However, maybe Click will fill a much-needed void left by closed bars and mundane swipe apps. Only time will tell.

Download the app in order to decide for yourself. Do you click with this app?

What’s Wrong With Lesbian Dating Apps?

Your couch is getting cold, and you want someone to snuggle with on your next movie night. Like many people, you’re looking for love – and like many millennials, you turn to your phone.

You have a dozen apps to choose from, from women-only apps like Her and Scrissr, to predominantly heterosexual apps such as Tinder and Bumble. You try Feeld and OKCupid and JDate and FarmersOnly, but nothing works out. All of these apps promise love. Are you just unloveable? Or is something about all lesbian dating apps predominantly broken?


1. The swipe-happy match style is geared toward straight men.

While men are predominantly visual creatures, many women require more than just a pretty face to become truly invested in someone. Swiping apps require you to make relatively hasty judgments based on six photos and a short bio. The focus is on looks, not personality.


2. Straight dating apps adhere to an outdated gender binary.

Most dating apps are for men and women. Or perhaps for men and men, with a few apps for women and women. But gender doesn’t always fall along straight lines.

Some queer people identify as butch women or femme women, or genderqueer, or transmasculine or transfeminine, or agender or bigender – the list goes on and on. Most dating apps do not allow people to break outside of rigid binaries, which are insufficient for queer millennials.


3. Straight men keep many apps from being safe spaces.

On Tinder, women can say that they are only seeking women, but that doesn’t keep the occasional man from sliding into the options. Some heterosexual couples create female accounts in order to lure queer girls into threesomes.

On sites that do not require mutual acceptance before swiping, many straight men will message lesbians anyway, thinking they can turn her straight or that she will be up for a threesome. This keeps many queer women from feeling safe enough to explore dating apps.


4. Most dating apps are used for hook-ups.

I’m not saying that all lesbians want deep, monogamous relationships or that people don’t find everlasting love on OKCupid. But the romance options are slim for queer women looking for more than a ménage à trois with a heterosexual couple. Many queer women want a friendship, relationship or companionate partnership that goes deeper than a glossy Facebook photo and a cheap drink. It’s hard to sell “meaningful relationship” through an app.


5. App developers are predominantly straight white men.

Straight white men create what they know other straight white men will like. Although the diversity of Silicon Valley is slowly increasing, there is still an alarming lack of representation when it comes to queer and transgender people, especially people of color or low socioeconomic background.

The solution? Silicon Valley needs more queer developers, and it needs queer developers who are willing to think outside of the box, not just to create a “queer” version of apps like Tinder and Grindr, but to create a dynamic and innovative new app that starts with the question: What do queer women actually want?

5 Best Apps For Exploring Your Sexuality

So you’re ready to explore your sexuality. Maybe you want to be a unicorn in some couple’s threesome or begin your own polyamorous relationship.

The internet, of course, has all the answers, so you want to use an app. Or several. Which apps should you turn to?


Tinder

Pro:  As one of the largest dating apps, Tinder has an enormous pool of users.

Con: Many of those users are straight and/or men.

Pro:  You only match with people who express interest in you, so rejection is minimal.

Con: People make hasty judgments based on appearance.

Pro: Many people on Tinder want hook-ups and new sexual experiences.

Con: You can’t filter based on sexual desires, such as threesomes.

Verdict: A great place to start, but the options can be overwhelming and some of the characters are less than savory.


OKCupid

Pro: An extremely large and diverse pool of people.

Con: Many inactive or spam accounts.

Pro: You can judge people not just by their photos, but by their extensive bios.

Con: People on OKC tend to ramble about themselves – do you really want to read someone’s 800 word autobiography?

Pro: Not connected to your Facebook, so little chance of you awkwardly matching with friends and coworkers.

Con: That dream date you go on could be a murderer.

Verdict: A more old-fashioned, pre-Tinder way of dating that has potential, but requires more effort than swiping.


Her

Pro: Women-only, so no chance of creepy men.

Con: An extremely small pool of users means that you may run out of people to match with after 6 swipes.

Pro: All of the users are queer women.

Con: Not all of the users are open to hook-ups or to sexual exploration.

Verdict: A very quaint app that is useful for finding a girlfriend, but not always for finding a threesome.


Bumble

Pro: You can only match with someone for 24 hours without initiating contact, so you’re pressured to actually reach out.

Con: If you match with your dream girl and 24 hours go by, she may be lost forever.

Pro: Women always have to message first, so you won’t receive messages from creepy straight men.

Con: Most queer female users tend to be monogamous.

Verdict: An interesting app that doesn’t offer much more than Tinder, but it might inspire you to actually message the people you match with.


Feeld

Pro: This app is exclusively for people wanting non-monogamous liaisons.

Con: Your Facebook friends can find you on the app, so your sexual desires are relatively public.

Pro: This app caters to a wide variety of people wanting all sorts of sexual activities.

Con: You’re never quite sure whom you’re meeting, so be sure to communicate explicitly about your sexual desires ahead of time.

Verdict: An experimental app that may offer you what you didn’t know you wanted.

Why “Lesbian Bed Death” Is A Myth

Two lesbians meet. They move in with each other immediately. They stop having sex. They adopt eleven cats.

Chances are, you’ve heard a similar version of the lesbian love story above, and chances are, you’ve done a double take. What’s that part about not having sex?

The myth of Lesbian Bed Death (LBD) is pervasive and damaging. Legend has it – and it is just a legend – that lesbians in long-term relationships stop having sex anywhere from the three-month mark to the two-year mark, and they never regain that sexual spark. They become roommates, not lovers.

Where did this myth come from?

The idea of Lesbian Bed Death has been around for centuries. Actually, no it hasn’t. Until the 1980s, no one had even heard of LBD, and lesbians around the world had no idea that they were supposed to be scared of celibacy.

The idea comes from a book called American Couples by Pepper Schwartz. In the book, Schwartz examines the sex lives of heterosexual and homosexual couples and concludes that lesbians have the least sex. Schwartz claims that fifty percent of lesbians in relationships lasting longer than two years have sex once a month or less.

Researchers who have tried to replicate Schwartz’s study have had mixed results. Some researchers claim that lesbians do in fact have less sex than other couples, while other studies show that lesbians have the same amount of sex as heterosexual couples – or even more sex!

What are the flaws of Schwartz’s research?

Schwartz’s research should not be taken as gospel, and yet many lesbians do, fearing that the end of their sexual lives is right around the corner.

It’s outdated.

First – and this is not a flaw so much as a cold fact – Schwartz’s research was conducted in the 1980s, over thirty years ago, when lesbians were forced into the closet at higher rates than they are today. Not only was Schwartz’s sample size determinedly small, but one must also wonder how, with the invention of digital porn and the increase in resources for queer women, lesbian sexual habits have changed.

Lesbian sex is confusing.

Secondly, the definition of sex for women who love women is vague. Some women have been raised to believe that sex is purely insertive – penis into vagina – so all non-penetrative sex between women isn’t really truly “sex.” Other women believe that oral sex counts as sex, and some women believe that there must be clitoral play. This ambiguity makes it difficult to do any solid research.

Some women are quiet about their sex lives.

Finally, women are often raised to be ashamed of sex and sexuality, so all studies bear the risk of under-reporting when it comes to sex.

So what is the truth?

The truth is that it’s complicated. Some lesbian couples have sex more than others. The sexual frequency of your relationship doesn’t depend on statistics – it depends on you. It depends on the libidos of you and your partner.

And it depends on how much effort you put into your sex life. Don’t take your girlfriend for granted.

Learn how to think your way into a good sex life, make sure your habits aren’t killing your sex life and learn scientific hacks that could improve your sex life. If you’d like to know more about the original American Couples study, check out this article.

12 Months Of Relationship Goals

I think the New Year is my absolute favorite time of the year. The weather is crisp and cool, most people are over their holiday funk, and everyone is optimistically looking forward to the next year. It’s also a dream come true for a perpetual planner like myself, because the new year offers so many opportunities for self-improvement. But if your own plans for self-improvement don’t include improving your relationship, you’re missing out on a huge opportunity.

To help get you started with building your perfect relationship, we’ve gathered up some resolutions for each month of the next year. If you work on these things throughout the year, by this time next year, your relationship is sure to be stronger than it’s ever been before. Don’t worry if you don’t take them on in the same order they appear here – each of these can be tackled in less than a month, and some can be done much quicker than that.

Are you ready for the best year your love life has ever seen?

January: Plan your future together.

There’s a proven scientific correlation between proper goal-setting and success. When you take time to make out your goals for the year, be sure to include your partner’s goals in the mix, too – just to be sure you’re working in the same direction.

Your goals should be important to you, challenging (but not impossible), and there should be a sense of inner reward to keep you motivated along the way. Focusing on 2-3 goals at a time is best, but your list can include as many as ten different goals for each of you. Proper goal setting also includes making them specific, measurable, actionable, and time-oriented – so slap some details and deadlines onto these goals!

Then, write them down, by hand, and put them somewhere you’ll both see them all the time. This will remind both of you of the greater future you’re working toward.

February: Implement a new, good habit.

Now that you’ve taken the time to set your goals for the year, take a look at it. Are there any goals on your list that involve habits? (Hint: Most goals do involve a habit of some sort, whether it’s creating a good one or breaking a bad one.) Pick one new habit from that list, something that applies to both of you, and make time in your schedule to do it.

If you have a difficult time sticking to your good habits (I know I do!), there’s no shame in setting up reminders for yourself. For example, I have an alarm set in my phone at 7 AM every day to meditate, because it’s something that’s important to me. They say it takes about 60 days to set a habit fully into your mind, so be sure you keep it up even after February has ended. You can start adding in your next habit after the first 30 days, though.

Then, once you’re ready, get ready for a lot more togetherness.

March: Make more time for each other.

Even if you’ve both got full schedules, chances are good that there are times you can be there for her without physically being by her side. Take advantage of those times to send her a cute “I’m thinking of you” text, leave a sticky-note love letter on the refrigerator, or run some errand she hates doing before she has to do it.

If that isn’t enough, there’s also a pretty good chance you can manage to spend another six hours every week with her, even if it doesn’t seem like you’ve got any time for one another. All too often we take advantage of the little moments in life, the things that might otherwise slip away from us. Some of these things will need to be scheduled in, but many only take a few minutes at a time. Surely you can give up some social media time for your girlfriend, right?

Once you’ve gotten used to spending a bit more time with each other, get ready – next month holds a mini-vacation just for the two of you.

April: Spend a weekend alone together.

If you’ve both got two days off work and school and are ready to spend some quality time together, a weekend alone requires very little planning. You don’t need a fancy hotel room or a cabin by the lake; your weekend can be as simple as camping out in your own living room.

Want to make it extra special but don’t have a big budget? Cook some of her favorite food items and have a mini-picnic underneath a blanket fort. It seems silly and childish, but who says adults can’t have fun, too? If the mood strikes you, you can even try being intimate together in new rooms in your home – there’s something sexy about getting down somewhere new and different.

Once you’ve given yourselves a weekend of fun, it’s time to start thinking about all the fun you’ll have in the future.

May: Build your trust in each other.

Trust and respect are necessary pieces of the relationship puzzle – if you don’t have trust and respect, you can’t have love. But sometimes there are trust issues standing in the way, on one or both sides, that prevent us from fully opening up to the person we’re with. This month, you’ll be taking some time to focus on any trust issues that may be present, and deal with them to the best of your ability.

Trust is one of the most valuable assets in a relationship because trust helps keep things in perspective. Trust reminds you that honesty is the best policy, and it gives you the peace needed to work through problems. When you can trust that your partner is thinking of you even when you’re not around, your relationship can blossom to all-new heights.

Got a solid foundation of trust built up? It’s time to start talking about positivity and that respect we were just talking about.

June: Express gratitude and appreciation for one another.

Gratitude is a powerful practice. It’s been proven to have positive effects on just about every aspect of your life, and as you continue the practice, it’ll even start to rub off on other people. It’s time to end the cycle of entitlement and obligation and truly be grateful for the blessings in your life – including the person you’re spending your life with.

Once you’ve developed a practice of showing gratitude to your partner, you can also show your appreciation for the parts she plays in your life, and for the parts she plays in her own life. There’s nothing quite like feeling that you’re being appreciated, so be sure that you remind her as often as possible just how much she means to you.

Even when you practice gratitude and appreciation, though, problems can still arise – read on to start dealing with them.

July: Work through a frustration.

Dealing with big relationship issues quickly can mean the difference between life or death for the relationship itself – but sometimes there are smaller issues that get under our skin, without causing enough problems to actually deal with them. This month, you’ll be focusing on the things that frustrate each other, but haven’t been a big enough deal to fix yet. After all, if you’re working towards your relationship goals, don’t you want to make things as amazing as you possibly can?

Make no mistake, though – even the small issues are going to be a big change. Say, for example, your habit of leaving the clothes in the dryer frustrates your partner to no end. It’s going to take a lot of willpower on your end to break that habit – your partner can’t tell you to do it. You have to choose to make the change. It’s going to be hard, but I’m sure you each have one bad habit you can voluntarily give up for your partner’s happiness.

Once you’ve gotten through a tough month of habit-changing, it’s time for a little more fun together – perhaps you can start planning this one ahead of time.

August: Make a memory together.

You’ve done the hard, hard work of setting better habits, making more time for each other, strengthening your bond, and you’ve kept up on your day-to-day life. That’s a lot of work – it’s time to relax for a while and spend some time together again. Make a date to go to the local amusement park, a museum, or perhaps even a road trip – whatever strikes your fancy, you have the chance to create.

I highly recommend documenting these memories, as much as possible. I like to splurge and buy photo books when I can afford to – whether simple albums that the pictures slide into, or elaborate bound books with captions and backgrounds. The joy of flipping through those photos means so much to me, and there’s something extra special about physical paper photos instead of pixels on a screen.

(Looking for a great photo book for a fair price? Mixbook has great quality and international shipping available – I’ve gotten books from them a few times in the past.)

September: Improve your relationship with her family and friends.

Near the beginning of a relationship, forming a bond with her friends and family can be difficult. There’s nervousness about whether they’re going to like you or not, and that stress is not good for making a first impression. But now that you’ve been together for a while, it might be a good time to reintroduce yourself to them, and work towards a better relationship with them. Your partner will love knowing that all the important people in her life are getting along better.

If she’s not close with her family, you can still form a bond with her friends. It’s not necessary that you love all of them, but you should be nice to all of them, and you should like at least a few of them. It might take some time to get used to her cousin Jimmy’s crazy antics when he’s drunk or the way her best friend thinks you’re secretly a straight girl (ugh) but they’ll come around eventually.

It’s important to make sure she doesn’t feel cut off from the people you can’t see eye to eye with, though, and that’s what October is all about.

October: Give her room to have fun.

Sometimes, we just really don’t want to do the same things that our partner does. Often one of us will end up sacrificing in this situation, which isn’t fun – so make sure you let your girlfriend know that you don’t want her to sacrifice the life she wants in order to spend her life with you.

By giving each other room to work on your own thing, you’re reminding yourself of the individuals you were before you met – the individuals that attracted you to each other in the first place. If she likes pottery but you’d rather be at the gun range, why force yourselves into each other’s activities? You’ll only be a bummer if you’re bored, so it’s best to take a step back sometimes.

Got that done? Maybe you’ll find some fun new hobbies to do together, too – there’s nothing saying you can’t branch out and try new things you both enjoy.

November: Come up with an inside joke or a secret language.

You’ve spent some time apart, and you’ve spent some time together – surely you’ve learned something interesting to share with one another. November is all about forming a secret language or inside joke shared just between the two of you. It doesn’t have to be anything with a huge significance, but it should be important and memorable to the two of you.

I can’t clarify your inside jokes for you, but I can tell you that they don’t usually come from planned events – so spend as much time as you can doing the mundane things together, too. Sometimes there are gems hidden within the everyday moments that seem boring at the time. Spend some time making things more entertaining for the two of you, and find the humor in all its secret hiding spots.

After you’ve spent some time laughing and sharing secrets, it’s a good time to remind yourselves of who you want to be next year, too.

December: Learn to do your own thing.

Congratulations – you’ve planned out an entire year’s worth of relationship-building activities! Now it’s time to recharge your own batteries and focus on what you want to accomplish next. Set your plans for next year, and compare them to make sure they mesh well – but then give yourselves permission to break away from the codependence of the relationship. I promise, it’s for the best.

You’ve spent all year growing closer together, and reinforcing those bonds with a little bit of separation is so helpful to the process. Make plans to grow into the best version of yourself – not just for your partner, but for you. If your relationship is already on the right track, the version of you that’s best for you will also be the version that’s best for your relationship – take pride in knowing that you can plan a future together without being joined at the hip.

For an extra challenge, feel free to repeat the process next year, too – there’s no such thing as perfection, and there is always room to improve. Take care of yourself, and each other.

14 Super Easy Ways to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Loved

This time of year, we’re reminded of just how important the people we care about are. I’ve heard advertisements about not buying your mail woman underwear for Christmas, seen ads about the magic of the holiday season, and of course there’s every holiday movie imaginable on television.

But even with all the spirit of giving around us, the most important gifts are the things you can’t buy – love, respect, appreciation… So, here’s the holiday gift-giving guide you really need.


1. Check in when she feels sick or sad.

One of the sweetest little things you can do for any of the important people in your life. Did she post something on social media that seemed sad? Did you throw a sad reaction emoji on it or did you actually reach out to ask what was wrong? Checking in with your loved ones only takes a few minutes and it shows that you care enough to spend your time on them.


2. Tell her you appreciate her.

While most people know that telling your loved ones that you love them is a big deal, you should let them know that you also appreciate them if you want them to feel truly loved. Small acts of gratitude can make all the difference between a not-so-great day and a not-so-bad day, so take a few minutes to brighten her day – it might even make yours better, too.


3. Cook her favorite meal.

There’s definitely something special about a home-cooked meal, so taking the time to find out what her favorite is and then learning to make it will definitely bring her some holiday cheer. If you’re not the best cook, ask her to cook it with you – then you get bonding time and you get to learn something new.


4. Share something entertaining.

The fastest way to make her smile is to make her laugh, so make sure you’re putting in the effort to bring humor to her life. Whether that means tagging her in an inside joke on Facebook, messaging her a funny picture, or just sending her a joke over SMS, a good attitude and a fun joke can be a great pick-me-up on a humdrum day.


5. Share something encouraging.

Life isn’t always funny – and that’s okay. You should encourage your girlfriend whenever possible, too. Is she taking on a tough client at work? Does she want to quit her job and move to the rainforest? Be supportive! As long as her dreams don’t directly interfere with your own, there’s no reason they can’t coexist. Empower her to be the best version of herself, and watch her as she achieves her wildest dreams.


6. Buy her something out of thoughtfulness, rather than obligation.

The holiday season also happens to fall around my anniversary (12/24), so gift-giving during this time usually goes to others. Happy couples buy each other useful, thoughtful gifts, rather than just buying something because “it’s what you do.” Don’t get me wrong – birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are great times to give gifts, too, but when they say it’s the thought that counts, they mean that the act of gift-giving should be based on the gift recipient – not on the obligation of the date.


7. Let her know she’s part of the family.

Particularly if she comes from a family that has rejected her because of her sexuality, it’s important that she feels welcome, invited, and comfortable as a part of her partner’s family. Regardless of your relationship with your own during this holiday season, let her know that she’s an invaluable part of your life and you want her to stay in it.


8. Share your space with her.

As intimate as physical and emotional closeness are, just being in each other’s presence can be nice, too. As an introvert, it’s hard for me personally to allow someone to enter my places of solitude, but the simple act of inviting someone into a private part of your world is often one of the most romantic gestures an introvert can make. Have you allowed your girlfriend into your sanctuary?


9. Tell her “I love you” randomly.

Along with gift-giving, the words “I love you” can lose some of their meaning when given out of duty or obligation. Instead, tell her you love her when you think of how much you love her – not just when she says it to you or before you leave the house. These little words don’t lose their meaning by being said too often, they only lose their meaning if they’re said out of habit.


10. Be there when she needs you.

Your physical presence in her life most likely means a lot to her, but even if you can’t be there in the flesh you can still be there for her. If you know she’s going through a rough time, make yourself a little more available. She may try to resist taking your help, but you can be sure that she appreciates it.


11. Leave her love notes and doodles.

Creating something out of nothing is one of the most amazing powers we have as human beings – and articulating your love, either through art or words, is a way to show your girlfriend exactly how much you care. Your notes and doodles don’t need to be masterpieces, nor do they need an exquisite canvas – a black pen on a sticky note is likely plenty.


12. Remember the little things.

Some people have a hard time remembering names, dates, phone numbers, or appointments, but the things that matter most to us, we find a way to remember. For me, that means stacks of notebooks to reflect on my days, because the act of writing things down helps to commit them to memory. For others, it might be mementos and souvenirs that do the trick. Whatever your best way to remember is, make the effort to remember the things that matter to her – and it’ll show her that she matters to you, too.


13. Take on a chore she doesn’t like.

No one really likes any chore, but everyone has that one chore they absolutely hate. For me, it’s sweeping and mopping, and for my girlfriend, it’s the litter box. Even though neither of us really cares to do those things, the simple act of taking away each other’s most dreaded chore is an act of love – and it’s one that holds tremendous meaning. (And every now and then, she takes my turn with the other chores, too – it really is a blessing.)


14. Do chores and run errands together.

Lastly – and this one was suggested by my girlfriend when she heard about this list – find little ways to do more things together. Even with the busy schedules we keep, we can find time to do some of those things together. Doing those boring things together will make them a little less boring and help keep you motivated along the way – there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the mundane in life, too.