Tag Archives: bisexual identity

13 Things You Could Ask A Bisexual (But Please Don’t)

For a while in high school, I identified as bisexual. During that time, I made a lot of bisexual friends, and even though I eventually realized that I wasn’t into guys at all, they were generally pretty accepting of the path I took. Right away, I understood that those bisexual friends of mine faced a lot of the same issues that I did, as a newly-out (but “straight-passing”) lesbian. I still have a lot of my bisexual (and pansexual) friends, and the questions they face every day sort of amaze me.

In some ways, these questions are a lot like the ones I’ve had to deal with myself. (Yeah, just like bisexuals have to deal with perverts and creeps, us “straight-passing” lesbians have to deal with people changing our identities, too. Why does everyone want to paint me as a bisexual, and my bi friends as lesbians? I really don’t get it.)

Anyway, without any further ado, here are the top 13 things that bisexuals wish you’d stop asking them.

“Are bisexuals even real?”

Uh… Yeah, they’re real. Just the fact that you know someone who identifies as bisexual should be enough to prove it to you – never mind the fact that a lot of freaking people identify as bisexual.

“So when are you going to choose whether you’re gay or straight?”

  1. It’s not a choice.
  2. “Gay” and “straight” are not the only options.
  3. You’re an asshole.

“Aren’t you just being greedy?”

Um, not really. In fact, there are so many people out there who refuse to date bisexuals. Being bisexual isn’t about being greedy, especially when just coming out to a partner could make them change their mind about you entirely.

“Do you have a lot of threesomes?”

Maybe she does, and maybe she doesn’t. Either way, it’s none of your business – otherwise, you’d already know.

“Are you sure you’re not just confused?”

Fun fact: Most women who consider themselves confused don’t come out as bisexual. They come out as bi-curious. Which is, of course, similar – but at the same time, so very, very different.

“Are you experimenting then?”

Go right on ahead and combine those last two answers, and you’ll come pretty close to the sentiment here.

“Does this mean you’ll eventually be fully gay?”

What even is “fully gay” anyway? I don’t think anything is totally absolute like that. But maybe she will eventually identify as a lesbian. That doesn’t mean she isn’t bisexual now.

“But you’re dating a man, so doesn’t that mean you’re straight now?”

Being in a straight relationship doesn’t make one straight. Just like wearing “boy shorts” as underwear doesn’t make you a little boy. Sometimes, the labels we put on things aren’t so much for definition as they are for identification.

“If you date a woman, will that make you a lesbian?”

Well, no. Not unless she decides that’s what it means. Otherwise, she’s still bisexual.

“Do you just want to have sex with everyone you meet?”

Probably not. And if she does want to have sex with everyone she meets, you’ll know about it eventually. No need to ask and make things awkward.

“Aren’t bisexuals more likely to cheat?”

No. Cheaters are more likely to cheat. Bisexuals are just more likely to be bisexual.

“So, are you more gay or more straight?”

While it’s true that most bisexuals do have a preference, one way or the other, the idea that you can be “more” or “less” gay is sort of ridiculous. I mean, I get it – the spectrum is weird. But it’s weird for your friend, too, so let’s not try to overanalyze it.

“Isn’t it called ‘pansexual’ now?”

Not exactly. While pansexuals and bisexuals have some things in common, generally pansexuals see love as separate from gender, while bisexuals identify that they have attractions to both binary genders. Of course, if your friend would prefer to be called pansexual, you should respect that – they’re not the same thing!

Struggles Of Being Bisexual And The Messy Realities We Deal With

Some people know all along. Some people talk about it, some don’t. Others, don’t come to terms with their sexuality until later.

I realized I was attracted to people of all genders significantly late: in high school, which, combined with the fact that I already happened to be in a long term relationship with a boy, assured my parents that I was simply going through a phase and was really only into men.

1 – Bi Privilege

The Myth

However, I never enjoyed any kind of ‘privilege’, as bisexuals in a different-gender-relationship are often assumed by homosexual people to do.[1]

On the contrary, my mother threw a fit when she caught me asleep on my bed with a friend who happened to be a girl and feels, to this day, threatened by most of my female friends.

As for my seemingly supportive father, he warned me that if I didn’t change that ‘habit’, I’d probably never be able to form loyal monogamous bonds with people and sustain serious relationships, since I’d always be unsatisfied and greedy. When I went through a psychologically ugly phase through winter because of my own issues, they both decided that the reason of my sadness was nothing else, but the confusion caused by my abnormal, unsettled sexuality.

So yeah, bi people don’t receive any kind of special treatment. My family treated me with caution, tears and disappointment, as if I’d come out to them as a lesbian, with the slight difference that I actually was in a relationship with a man back then, and continue to be in a relationship with another man today.

Even if sometimes I get the illusion that I can lay back and ‘enjoy’ the privileges of this relationship, I still can’t let them know I’m into LGBTQ+ activism, and I have to be careful of cameras at Pride.

2 – Biphobia and Bi Erasure

A Guide to Non-Inclusion and Invisibility

Whenever I discuss my sexuality in a new group of people my age, I must expect the guy who’ll say nasty, objectifying things that have to do with me liking girls and assumedly being kinky, promiscuous, and into wild threesomes, as most bisexual people are stereotypically considered to be. There was also that straight girl who patted my back and condescendingly told me that, now that I’ve tasted sex with men, I’m fooling myself and will probably never be really satisfied with a girl, and that gay girl who asked me what sort of weird, wicked thing I was, and how liking boys works, exactly.

The thing is that, bisexuals usually have to live big part of our lives without having our identities recognized, which something strongly adds up to the invalidation of our feelings and problems, and the sense of not fitting anywhere.

We are represented in the media, but as the dangerous ‘straight girl’ you should never fall for, the experimenting ‘lipstick lesbian’, or the ‘once-lesbian celebrity that settled for a husband’, since most narratives seem to be afraid to use our name.

Invisibility renders it harder for us to come out and be understood by friends, colleagues and family, to seek both legal and social support, and to receive medical or psychological care without being labeled as confused, a transmitter of diseases, or worse, encouraged to cure ourselves in order to solve most of our physical and mental health problems.

3 – Bisexuality and Mental Health

The Dead-End

As a result, it appears that both bisexual women and men are easily affected by mental health problems and psychological issues. Specifically, a large survey from the UK has shown that bisexual women, more likely than lesbians, may experience eating problems or self-harm. [2]

They are also more likely to suffer from depressed feelings or anxiety, according to a research by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. According to major Canadian study, bisexual men are 6.3 times more likely, and bisexual women 5.9 times more likely, to feel suicidal than heterosexual people.

As for trans bisexual people, they also run the risk to be denied healthcare services based on their sexuality, according to the 2014 Movement Advancement Project report and Rainbow Health Ontario. More recently, Joelle Monaghan, a Dalhousie University nursing graduate, shows in her recent research how bisexual female students are more likely than others to suffer from depression and turn to risk-taking behaviors, such as the use of substances.

4 – Things to Consider

The thing is, we’re tired of always having to prove the authenticity of our existence to others, running the risk of still having our stories invalidated afterwards.

If we seek help for our problems, we need trained health professionals, who won’t expect us to convince them about our issues, assume things about our sexual partners, life and practices, based on our sexuality – or vice versa – or invalidate our experience.

We need people who will sit back and hear us, keen to be educated and open towards things they might have not experienced. We need public services and easy access. We need people who will not make us feel weird, cryptic, or apologetic about an important part of our identity.

Don’t forget to consider racial discrimination, sexism and transphobia, disability, poverty: intersections of our different identities that add up, induce and affect mental health, while at the same time limiting our access to solutions.

Remember: reaching for help isn’t always that easy, especially when other parts of our identity make us less privileged than others. It’s not only up to the individual to work for courage to ask for help. It’s also a huge responsibility of a system that has to make it accessible to all of us.

[1] I identify as pansexual, which means I am attracted to people regardless of gender, even though I sometimes use the umbrella term ‘bisexual’ in order to be more broadly understood to people who are not yet acquainted with all terms. To clarify, when we use the term ‘bisexual’ here, think of it as an umbrella term for people who are attracted to more than one genders, be it bisexuals, pansexuals, polysexuals etc.

[2] http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/838142

How Did You Know You Were Bisexual? (Video)

Sound familiar “A lot of people just assume I’m straight”, well sadly you’re not alone.

Bisexual women often face their own unique set of complications when they come out.

Bi erasure is a real thing, and most gay (and straight) people would rather pretend that it’s not possible to fall somewhere in the middle.

Beyond that, many bisexual women face over-sexualization from both sides of the spectrum, and there are often assumptions that it’s all about sex.

Which sadly means it becomes a lot harder for Bisexuals to come out.

Evan Rachel Wood Looks To Shatter The Misconceptions About Bisexuality With Her Coming Out Story

Evan Rachel Wood made a name for herself in Thirteen and The Wrestler, and the cult TV shows like True Blood. But recently the openly bisexual actress shared her thoughts on being bisexual and Pride month.

There are so many grey areas in this world, especially when it comes to gender roles, especially when it comes to sexuality.”

In a self published YouTube post, she discusses some alarming statistics regarding bisexuals, particularly the large percentage of people who have contemplated suicide, experienced abusive relationships and/or struggle with depression and addiction.

Wood goes on to describe the negative reaction she faced the first time she kissed a girl as a kid, and the internalized biphobia she also faced throughout her adolescence.

Like a frighteningly large number of bisexual women, she considered suicide while struggling to understand her sexuality.

She describes her struggle with her sexuality frankly and openly. Although she seems much more at ease with herself as an adult, Wood positions herself as a “flare” for the bisexual community — a visible representation, something that bisexuals need.

Couple Openly Discuss The Insecurities Faced When Dating A Bisexual Woman (Video)

Lynette & Corey, an engaged couple of four years, open up about their relationships and discuss the real struggles, and insecurities surrounding sexuality.

Corey, who is straight, finds it tough to imagine he is enough for Lynette, who is bisexual and has dated both men and women.

Lynette Corey 01

Their relationship has been both on and off, and during the off periods he was worried that she was using that time to date women and get with her ex-girlfriends.

What is interesting though, is he is not threatened by her dating other men, but if she still wants to see other women.

Even though Lynette says it ‘really isn’t an issue’, Corey still doesn’t understand.

Also read: 11 Real and Annoying Struggles Bisexual Woman In A Heterosexual Relationship Face

He wants to know if women were still a factor, because “it’s still present one way or the other.” In order to truly trust her, he wanted her to come clean about everything.

Lynette responded by saying sexuality can be fluid, and it’s not always black-and-white.

It’s a part of her life, and something she never wants to get in the way of her relationship with Corey.

She tells him

In my experience and I feel like several other people’s experiences, sexuality can be very fluid. There have been several instances where I’ve been attracted to this person. It’s caused me not only a lot of really fucked up hurt and stuff like that, because it’s so confusing.

I knew immediately when I met you that I choose this person. I didn’t know, a long time ago I thought I might end up with a woman. I was open to that a long time ago. But now after meeting you, I knew that wasn’t an issue anymore.

It wasn’t a case of, “Oh, that’s dead now”, but it’s “I choose you” and I wouldn’t do anything to fuck that up.”

The video is for The Skin Deep, a series of couples asking deep and honest questions in an effort to learn more about modern relationships.

11 Real and Annoying Struggles Bisexual Woman In A Heterosexual Relationship Face

So, it would appear that bisexuality is still confusing the hell out of everyone, especially when you’re a bi-women seeing a man.

If you’re with a man, you’re straight now. If you’re with a woman, that’s all you amount to — and it’s not just limiting, it’s false.

And it’s frustrating. And it makes you feel like all the identity you’ve worked so hard to own and embrace is getting squished.

It seems people still just don’t get bisexuality. And because of the confusion, bisexual people are forced to struggle with annoying situations.

Here are elven very real struggles bisexual women encounter.

1. Everyone assumes you’re “Straight Again” — Which would be fine, if “everyone” didn’t also include the people you’ve already come out to.

Struggles Bisexual 04

2. You get comments such as “I always knew you’d choose men…”

Struggles Bisexual 06

3. People ask if you’ve “Told them [your partner]” of your sexuality.

Struggles Bisexual 02

4. Assumptions, that you suddenly have heterosexual privilege.

Struggles Bisexual 10

5. Constantly being asked “But which do you like MORE; men or women?”

Struggles Bisexual 12

6. People assume your last same-sex relationship was just a phase.

Struggles Bisexual 01

7. People assume that you’ll be willing to cheat on your partner.

Struggles Bisexual 05

8. People asking how many threesomes you’ve had, before winking at you partner and trying to high-five them.

Struggles Bisexual 09

9. Realising your partner is more threatened by your old boyfriends than your old girlfriends.

Struggles Bisexual 11

10. Hearing the words “But I thought you were gay?” even though you’ve explained countless times you’re bi.

Struggles Bisexual 14

11. You feel completely erased from the LGBT spectrum (at least in lesbian communities eyes).

Struggles Bisexual 13

#StillBisexual Campaign Kicks Off Bisexual Visibility Week with Beautiful Videos

It’s Bisexual Visibility Week, so in honour the #StillBisexual campaign will post a new #StillBisexual for seven consecutive days.

The campaign features bi people telling their stories of coming out and finding love regardless of the gender of the person they find it with.

Here’s the first, from a very talented musician out of Brooklyn.and to kick it off this import week a series of amazing videos have been release by the excellent viral campaign #StillBisexual.

Also read: Evan Rachel Wood Has An Important Message About Her Bisexuality: ‘We Do Exist’

Have you liked us on Facebook?

“So, are you still bisexual?” Yep Still Bisexual

#StillBisexual is a new viral campaign aimed at fighting the myth that bisexuals don’t stay bisexual.

A common question bisexuals people are asked regularly is “So, are you still bisexual?”, which is one of the most infuriating questions asked. So to combat this frustration people are telling their stories through video blogs and explain why, single or in a relationship, regardless of their partner’s gender, their bisexual identity doesn’t change. 

Also read: Figuring Out You’re Bisexual

Figuring Out You’re Bisexual

So, how do you know if you’re a lesbian or bisexual? Its actually a big question to ask yourself. However, you’re not alone in asking this – a lot of women find themselves questioning their sexual orientation at different stages of their lives.

The truth is that no one, but yourself can find the answer to this question. It’s YOUR identity, and no partner, parent, friend, mentor, or stranger can figure it out for you. Sexuality is often very fluid. Its is a moveable feast and many people move across a continuum during their sexual lifetimes, with heterosexual on one pole and homosexual on the other. In addition, orientations change over time — sometimes temporarily and others permanently. So, don’t worry too much about being right and finding the right answer.

Even people who identify as strictly homosexual can find themselves in a situation in which they are aroused by heterosexual images or by a heterosexual experience. Or fantasise about genders and sexual experiences that they would not actually physically enjoy in reality.

Then there are the people who identify as homo-flexible or hetero-flexible. Homo-flexible are people who are sexually attracted to people of their own sex, but there are certain situations in which they might be attracted to those of another sex/gender. Hetero-flexible people are primarily attracted to people of the opposite sex, but on occasion they may have a sexual interest or encounter with someone of the same sex. These are often classed as bi-curious women, who occasionally become sexually involved with other women, but who would not have a full romantic relationship with another woman.

There are those who identify as bisexual who lean toward one pole or the other, and tend to confine their serious relationships to either homosexual or heterosexual, but have shorter term liaisons or relationships with people falling toward the other pole.

In the middle are those of us who are closer to 50/50 in our orientations. We come close to equally preferring partners of our own sex and partners of another gender. Many of us find that it is the energy and connection that determines the large part of our attractions.

There are those whose gender orientation is fluid as well and this interacts with sexual orientation. Fluid gender orientation means that the person does not identify as strictly one gender all of the time. He may identify as male some of the time, female some of the time, feel like a mix of the two some of the time or identify as being without a gender.

At the end of the day, you don’t need to label yourself unless it’s what YOU want and it helps YOU. There’s a wealth of info about coming out as LGBT on the internet. We especially recommend the Queer Youth Network website, RH Reality Check or the Both Directions booklet from BCN.

Bisexual Oppression That Pushes People Further into the Closet

For bisexual women, disclosing their sexuality can be a tough process, especially in the LGBTI community. They often have a very tough time claiming their identity.

This comic, published by Funny Honey Bunny on her Tumblr page, shows exactly how bisexual women can be pushed further in the closet by people’s narrow-minded views.

The ‘four unintentionally oppressive moments’ include her interactions with her mother, her boss, people in a gay bar and her queer friends.

The comic has already been shared and liked over 70,000 times on Tumblr.

Read it below:


The Bisexual Makeup Tutorial – Tearing Down The Stereotypes Associated With Being Bi

YouTuber Amy Geliebter created this parody video to voice her frustrations concerning the treatment of the bisexual community, and by using makeup, she perfectly articulates the stereotypes associated with being bisexual.

“I can remember having crushes on both boys and girls ever since I was a kid, but every time I confided in someone I was told that I was confused or simply going through a phase. It wasn’t until last year that I was finally able to acknowledge that I was actually bisexual and learn to embrace it.”

Amy Geliebter

First Openly Bisexual US Governor Takes Charge In Oregon

In the wake of former Oregonian governor John Kitzhaber resigning from office, Kate Brown will become the first openly bisexual governor.

Kate Brown, is currently Oregon’s secretary of state. She is set to replace Democratic governor John Kitzhaber, and become the U.S.’s first openly bisexual governor.

Governor Kitzhaber is stepping down from office in the midst of an ethics scandal about his fiancee working as a consultant for the state.

Brown has been the Secretary of State for Oregon since 2008. She lives in Portland with her husband and two step-children. Before becoming Secretary of State, she worked for years in the state legislature and was known for supporting LGBT issues and finance reform.

She wrote an essay about her bisexual identity for the anthology, Out and Elected in the USA, which documented LGBT politicians from 1974-2004. In her essay she describes her “very public coming out as a bisexual,” when The Oregonian published reports about her sexuality. She said that moment meant, “I had to face the inevitable and let those around me know.”

In a blog post, Alexandra Bolles, a leader in GLAAD, an advocacy group for LGBT issues in the media, wrote,

“As an openly bisexual woman and advocate for LGBT equality, Brown is bringing visibility to the bi community like never before … As an established politician, she (like first openly LGBT Senator Tammy Baldwin) is modeling the heights that LGBT woman can reach in shaping the nation’s culture.”

Alexandra Bolles