Tag Archives: Dating advice

Is She Interested in Me or Am I Reading This Wrong?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Is She Interested in Me or Am I Reading This Wrong?

Dear KitschMix,

Long-time reader, first time responder. I saw a post from this site regarding helping one with problems of the heart. I should introduce myself, my name is Alison and I’m a Transwoman/lesbian.

I label myself that because even though I have gone from MTF, I still prefer women over men (they’re softer and sweeter). However, I have met this one woman, an extraordinary woman, who I think I may be in love with but I know I can’t be with because she has a boyfriend. For the most part he’s out if the picture due to them having separate careers and could not be collocated so we spend a lot of time together. She’s admitted to having a dream of me (doing her dishes oddly enough) and I once complimented her on a jumper so she wore it when I was invited to dinner with her neighbours.

We’ve been shopping and do all the usual girly stuff together and like the same things. We just get on like a house on fire. She is just so sweet. But I’m not sure if I’m reading into it too much or I’m paranoid. What do I do?

Hello Alison! I would love to try and help with your issue. Your situation is a complicated one, indeed, although not exactly because of how you identify. (I only mention it because you felt the need to clarify your identity – in regards to who is included in the lesbian community, you are definitely “one of us”, and I would like to extend a formal “welcome!” just in case no one else has.)

Now, in regards to your friend – this is definitely the tough part. In this day and age, it can be incredibly difficult to determine who is interested in other women – which is both good and bad. In your case, there is an extra layer of difficulty because of your transition. As much as I wish I could tell you that everyone will open their arms to you, unfortunately that’s not always the case.

It is apparent to me that this woman is not transphobic (I’m assuming she knows you are a transwoman?), which is of course a positive. But you have not included enough information for me to tell if she is interested in women, or if she would properly consider you a woman as it pertains to a relationship – the latter half being essential to your own happiness. After all, you don’t want to be with someone who identifies you as a “feminine man”; that wouldn’t be fair to you as that is not how you identify.

I like to consider that, in addition to homophobic/transphobic and homo-/trans-accepting, there is also a third classification: The homo-/trans-naïve. (I have never heard anyone else use this particular label, but I think it’s an important thing to consider.) The good news is, even if she does fall under one of these particular labels, they are usually not coming from a place of hostility such as homophobia and transphobia, and it is possible to educate in these situations.

The easiest way for you to determine her thoughts on these subjects specifically would be to ask. I know, that can be nerve-wracking sometimes, but it shouldn’t be considered more difficult than the process of coming out. She has proven that she is accepting of you, and even that she likes you to a certain extent. The particular extent will dictate your actions moving forward.

Here are a few things I would like you to think about:

  • If you have not come out to her as a transwoman, you will of course need to decide whether you do this before you proceed or after. Sadly, I have very limited experience in this area, so I’m not sure what the specific considerations will be. I have heard opinions in support of both options (getting it over with vs. waiting). There is no “wrong” choice.
  • If you are not sure if she is interested in women (bi/pansexual), you might consider the act of coming out to her as a lesbian (if you haven’t already). In my experience, this type of “confession” may influence others to come out in response – this can work to your favour! It’s not guaranteed, though, as not everyone is comfortable with the idea of being out.
  • Many people are now embracing the idea of open relationships, particularly when they do not live together (or only live together part-time). This is a tough one to bring up, as it can be a touchy subject if she’s not in an open relationship – but if you’re willing to accept the idea, there is a chance that the boyfriend doesn’t impact your own relationship with her.
  • It might not be much for subtlety, but there is always the option of confessing your feelings for her – which, in many cases, can help to answer all of your questions. This is risky, of course, as it might put her off if she doesn’t feel the same way. But from what you’ve told me so far, I think that (at worst) it might make things a little awkward – but you will still be able to keep her as a friend.
  • If you absolutely cannot bear the thought of a potential rejection, I would advise you to hint at your own feelings, without revealing them entirely. For example, let her know that you are a lesbian, and that you find her beautiful, but leaving out the part where you think you’re in love with her. If she feels the same way, she might even make the first move!

I wish there was more I could do to help, but the situation is not something I’ve had direct experience with. I do wish you the best and I would love to hear how it goes for you – please don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have any further questions! Take care, Alison.

How Do We Reconnect?

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Q: How Do We Reconnect?

Hi Kitsch Mix,

I have been in a relationship with a great woman now for almost two years – but for the last 18 months, she has been incarcerated. We had a wonderful relationship before this came about. The incarceration was the result of something from her past (years before we met) that finally caught up with her and she had to make right. When it all first started, it was a whirlwind of “what ifs” and not knowing how long this would actually drag out. I stuck by her side and was the supportive girlfriend, sending letters, books, funding phone calls, visiting, etc. Then my own life got hectic and I couldn’t commit myself to the demands she needed while she was trying to cope in prison. We didn’t talk for a few months, then we reconciled and things have been somewhat good, but not the same. She will be coming home very soon, and is very excited to start our life together and pretty much pick up where we left off.

The thing is, I feel like I don’t really know her anymore. I have my life and my schedule and can’t imagine her jumping into the picture like nothing has changed. She is going to be struggling to find work, a place to live (she keeps hinting at moving in with me), and I am not in a place to support her either. I feel like we need to get to know each other again, date again, and see if we want to continue this commitment. I pretty much put my life on hold for her in the beginning, then realized that I needed to live my life and not wait around for her to get through this. I don’t want to hurt her, but she seems to think that everything will be great and back to normal right off the bat. I am scared, nervous, and not ready to open my life up to her again like nothing has changed.

I am not sure how to approach this with her, but the clock is ticking, and sooner than later I will see her face to face again. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Well, reader, this is probably a pretty obvious answer here: You will need to explain to her that it’s not going to pick up right where you left off. I have never been romantically involved with someone who was incarcerated, but I do have a brother who has been in prison since I was almost 8 years old. (I’m 25 now.) I actually recently sent him something similar to what you will need to tell your girlfriend; allow me to paraphrase what I said to him. (This was a few weeks ago, so my memory is not exact, and of course the situation is not exactly the same, either.) With some minor adjustments, you can fix it to better suit your specific situation.

Dear Girlfriend’s Name,

I am excited for your release – but I feel that we do not know each other as well as we used to. I would like to get to know you again, but this situation has definitely had an impact on the nature of our relationship as it stands.

When you get out, I would like to start off at the beginning. Of course, it won’t be exactly square one, as I cherish the memories I have with you, but a lot has changed in the time that has passed. I am honored that you would like to pick up where we left off but unfortunately that is not entirely practical.

I would like to help you out how I can, but I am not currently in a position to support you financially. I will support you emotionally as best I can and I am interested in starting a new relationship with you – separate from the one we previously had. I hope you understand that this has not been easy on me. I know it has not been easy on you, either, and together I think we may eventually reach the point where it “never happened”. I wish I was ready for that now, but I’m not.

When you get out, I would like to begin by taking you out on a few dates. I will help you to find a job if I’m able – I would love to see you successful, and I think that it would be most helpful if I assist you, rather than working out all the details for you.

If you are willing to give this a chance with me, I would love to reintroduce myself – please do the same when you get out. I am still here for you and I still care for you; I’m not going anywhere. I value what we had, and I know you are capable of great things. I am proud of you for taking care of what you needed to, and soon it will be time to take care of the rest. I know you can do it.

As I mentioned previously, the specifics will depend on you, but this can serve as a basic outline of what to say to her. I’m not sure whether it would be better to send this in a letter, discuss over a phone call, or wait until you can be face to face, but you definitely need to discuss these things.

In case you don’t want to use my script (it’s not the greatest script – girlfriends are much different than brothers!) here is a brief summary of the points to make:

  • Tell her you are proud of her for taking care of her commitments.
  • Encourage her to be proactive about her new freedom.
  • Reassure her that you still care, but you must start slowly.
  • Make it clear that you cannot support her financially, but that you will support her emotionally.
  • Acknowledge that her own situation is not going to be easy, and that your life was not put on hold just because she was locked up.

I would love to know how this turns out for you, as well as how the relationship progresses after her release. Incarceration is a very tricky subject and I’m happy for both of you that your girlfriend’s sentence was not as long as my brother’s. This can be helpful to both of you, and will quite possibly make the “reintroduction process” take far less time than it did the first time around. Take care, and thank you for reaching out to us – don’t hesitate to contact us again once you have moved forward!

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I Can’t Figure My BFF out? Does She Like Me Or What?

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Q: I Can’t Figure My BFF out? Does She Like Me Or What?

Dear KitschMix,

So I have a best friend who is also a lesbian like me. In the past she has said that she was in love with me, twice she said that and I said it back. But we never actually got into a real serious relationship. She’s been out with other women, and so have I. And every time she’s with someone I’m always happy for her even know deep down it hurts. However, when I was with someone she’d always get really annoyed and find something wrong with the person I liked or was with at the time.

And anytime I would want to get into a relationship at all with anyone she’d say how I should stay single for a bit and not to rush things even though that’s pretty much her talking about herself.

She randomly talks about how she wants to have sex with me, or has masturbated to the thought of me.

Anytime she finds a girl she likes she literally shoves it down my throat that they’re perfect (and whatnot) and won’t shut up about them.

She’ll say exactly this to me, “oh my god she’s honestly the hottest thing alive, I’d love to screw her ugh I wanna do such bad things to her” and that’s basically her 24/7 and when I don’t respond to her texts or phone calls she’ll keep texting and calling me over and over again and ask where I am or what I’m doing.

I’m so confused with her manipulative; mixed singles, jealous ass, please help?

Even if you and her are never anything more than friends, you shouldn’t put up with someone who wants to be in your life just to manipulate you. It’s rude, it’s mean, and it’s not fair to play with your emotions like that. As a friend, I’m not sure why you’d consider her your BFF – she treats you like a game.

Some people are only happy in an open relationship, and this may be what she’s hinting at – but I don’t really see it. I think that she’s the type that wants you all to herself, but can’t offer you the same. I’ve had some exes like that, honestly. It’s not fun, and it only gets worse if you actually date her. This type of behavior before you even begin a relationship can be a precursor to an unfaithful mentality – after all, she has you, why should she bother to make sure you’re happy? It doesn’t necessarily mean she will cheat, but if you allow the back-and-forth now, you may be inviting it later on.

Of course, I can’t stop you from trying to date her if you both happen to be single at the same time – but I would expect it to go sour. Don’t do anything to intentionally sabotage it, but don’t close your eyes to the mistreatment, either. The love and respect has to go both ways, otherwise it’s just a game.

I hope that she’s not intentionally playing with your emotions, but it does seem to me that she is. Tread with caution on this one, and make sure you keep your heart protected.

I Feel So Self-Conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s…

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Q: I Feel So Self-conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s

Dear KitschMix,

Anyways, I decided to write to you because I really really need an out-side perspective on the situation. Maybe I need someone to set me straight. Usually I’m the person who everyone turns to for advice and stuff, but I’m the worst for taking my own advice…

I fucking hate my body. I adore my girlfriend’s body. She is fucking gorgeous. She has played sports all of her life and has more of a toned-up athletic build. Me? I fucking hate sports, never played sports. I have the classical hour-glass figure – fairly big tits, small waist, and wide birthing hips with a lot of junk in the trunk. Now here comes the problem: I can’t stop feeling self-conscious when I look at my girlfriend’s body and then when I look at mine. I don’t have a flat stomach; I have a soft pudgy one. I don’t have perfect perky tits; I have big soft ones. And I hate them.

I hate most of my body. I always have since I was a teen. I’m not really THAT overweight, but yes I am definitely carrying an extra few kg’s that need to go. I feel like my body feels so ugly compared to hers. I can’t stop noticing every flaw, and this isn’t doing me/us any favours when we go to have sex. I LOVE sex. I’m a very sexual person and have a much higher libido than my girlfriend but I only feel comfortable with sex in very dim lights and preferably when I’m wearing a t-shirt or a bra or something, and I’m sick of feeling like this.

My girlfriend loves my body and loves my curves, she always tells me that but this doesn’t seem to help me.

I HATE feeling like this. I realise that it’s a MASSIVE mood-kill and probably a massive turn-off when I get into these horrible self-hating moods. I love my girlfriend so much and I only hope that she loves my body just as much as I love hers.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Did anyone ever manage to resolve it or get out of this terrible way of thinking? I’m going crazy here. Thank you for reading!

Reader, I see a lot of myself in you. I have had difficulties with my own self-confidence for much of my life. It can be especially difficult when I’m with someone thin, as I have never really been small. It actually got worse after I lost a lot of weight – I felt that my “new body” was too soft, and the woman I was with at the time seemed to be perfect. I couldn’t identify that we were actually about the same proportions at the time. It’s possible that this is your problem too.

It’s always hard to learn to love your own body, but it’s something that we all need to do at some point in our life. Some people are able to love themselves at a very young age, and others will struggle with it their entire life. I’m still struggling with it myself, and I probably will for my entire life. There have been times when I’ve completely stopped sex because I couldn’t stop focusing on my own flaws.

It’s important to know that it may very well be a long process to get to loving yourself, but thankfully there are a few things you can do to improve the situation. None of it will work immediately, and it may feel like an uphill battle for much of the time. It’s important that you keep trying until it becomes a habit.

  • Try to eat better. Every small substitution can help you feel better about yourself, even if it doesn’t take the weight off. In fact, the weight itself isn’t necessarily the problem; if you try to focus too much on losing weight, it can bring you down even further. Instead, make small, healthy substitutions for some of the worst offenders, and don’t beat yourself up for indulgences every now and then.
  • Try to exercise, in small bursts. Not everyone can run a marathon – so don’t bother with that, at least at first. You should begin with going for small walks, or even jumping on a trampoline – just something fun that gets you active. Of course, sometimes the sex can be the exercise – but this isn’t likely the case until you’re more comfortable with yourself.
  • Try to keep a journal of your feelings. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it can be helpful to log your emotions, especially as they pertain to your body image. Being able to look through the way your feelings cycle can help you pinpoint whether these emotions are tied into your hormones (in reference to your menstrual cycle) or if they are unrelated. If you find out that it has something to do with your hormones, you might want to look into treatment for PMDD. This term references symptoms that are similar to PMS, but much more severe, and is marked by the onset being about 7-10 days before your menstrual period.
  • If you decide to keep a journal, try to keep track of your measurements. In some cases, just being able to see that your measurements are a good “average” for your height may be enough to reassure you. Of course, self-measuring is difficult, and it is possible that you won’t be satisfied with your first measurements – this can help you determine whether you’ll need to work more on diet and exercise. Just remember that your health is more important than the numbers you see, and keep things in perspective.
  • Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. You should be able to tell her when your body image is not doing very well. It may be a mood killer, but it can help her to understand what’s going on in your mind. If she loves you, she will want to know how you’re feeling so that she may be able to help alleviate the bad ones.
  • Find something you’re good at, and devote some time to it. Sometimes your body confidence can be helped by an overall confidence; that is, finding something that you can be super confident about to help make up for an area you are less confident in. It won’t completely fix the problem, but it can help to distract you from it.

It’s up to you to determine which tips work best for you, and as I previously mentioned it may be an uphill battle. If nothing seems to help you feel better about yourself, it may be worthwhile to seek professional counseling. Sometimes these issues are much deeper than just a self-confidence issue, and it’s important that you don’t ignore the signs of something more serious if they exist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you can get your confidence levels where they should be. Please don’t hesitate to contact us again after you have made some changes – we’d love to know how they worked out for you!


My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

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Q: My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

Dear KitschMix,

My girlfriend is sweet and loving, but unfortunately seems to have a roaming eye (or two). We’ve had trust issues in the past, and I recently found out that she downloaded HER when I was away visiting family. She uninstalled it and claimed she was “just curious,” but I’m still hurt about it. I do what I can to be loving and make our sex life exciting, but she is not terribly interested. I’ve never caught her cheating, but I’ve caught her doing other inappropriate things that make me very suspicious.

She recently put a passcode on her phone and she won’t give it to me, even when situations come up where it would make sense to give it to me (like she is driving and I need to unlock her phone, or when mine wasn’t working and I needed to use hers). She refuses to share it with me. I’m really hurt and I feel like there is no good reason for her to do this, to be so protective over the code. She says she just wants privacy, but I think the only thing she could really want to keep “private” is stuff with other women.

This, rolled in with other problems, is making me think of actually leaving her. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Does she have the right to keep the code from me without me getting upset?

Reader, your girlfriend sounds a lot like one of my exes. She got mad when I accidentally happened upon an “I love you” text from her to another woman – so she passcoded her phone and refused to let me in it. Of course, this inflamed my jealousy – and for good reason. She left it behind, unlocked, one day – and I peeked. I’m not proud of myself for snooping, but I found way more stuff that really got under my skin.

There are some people who say that whatever you find when snooping, you brought it on yourself – I don’t think that’s true. There is such a thing as secrets that shouldn’t be kept, and some of the examples you may find will haunt you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to look – but your partner shouldn’t have to hide, either.

I wish I could tell you that my situation was way more extreme than yours, but most likely that’s not true. It’s one thing to maintain your privacy, but it’s another thing to be caught sneaking around and then try to get some privacy. The way this situation rolled out, I think it’s safe to assume she’s cheating – or she’s trying to.

To me it seems like you’ve already tried to talk this out with her, and she just doesn’t want to talk about it. In this situation, I’d say the best choice is to leave her – she’s proving that she doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you, even when she’s been caught. You shouldn’t have to waste your time with someone who can’t be honest with you.


My Girlfriend Wants Me To Do Something In Bed I’m Just Not Comfortable With

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Q: My Girlfriend Wants Me To Do Something In Bed I’m Just Not Comfortable With

Dear KitschMix,

I really need help ASAP because my girlfriend and I just got into a huge disagreement and I am desperate for advice. I feel absolutely sick right now.

I love having sex with my girlfriend and it is always amazing, whether we use toys/vibrators, etc. or not. We have had sex with a strap-on many times, and she is always the one wearing it while I receive. She likes penetrative sex also and we have played around with me using dildo on her. She asked me a while ago to use a strap-on with her, and lately she has been asking more and more frequently to the point of getting frustrated and angry with me for avoiding it. I’ve told her that thinking about doing that turns me off completely, but she doesn’t understand and feels hurt that I don’t want to. I do see her point because even though we don’t have sex with it every time, I love when we do and I would be unhappy if she refused to anymore.

But honestly the thought of wearing a strap-on really is a major turn off. I’m very feminine and she is way more masculine than I am. It’s not like I think she’s the “man” in the relationship or anything like that. However, my femininity is what makes me feel sexy. Wearing a strap-on does not make me feel sexy at all. I’ve put it on when she’s not around and tried to imagine having sex with her and the look of pleasure on her face but all I feel is disgust.

I absolutely mean it when I say that thought of fucking her with a strap-on is actually repulsive to me to the point where I don’t think I could even mentally force myself to do it, no matter how good it would feel for her.

I’ve tried to gently tell her my thoughts about it, and then said no more firmly. I don’t know how else to say I don’t want to without shouting “IF YOU MAKE ME DO THIS I MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU.” She has never said, “if you love me you’d do it” (and she never would, because she’s not an asshole) but sometimes I feel like she’s thinking it.

I would never ever want her to force herself to do anything that made her uncomfortable and I hope she feels the same way. It’s not even that she’s being pushy or abusive towards me about it, but she’s clearly pissed off hence the disagreement. It basically ended with us looking at each other helplessly then I came to my room and started crying and I’m pretty sure she left.

Am I being completely unreasonable and selfish? Are there just some things you should do to make your partner happy even when you don’t want to? I feel terrible. I feel like I’m the worst girlfriend ever for being unwilling to do it. It’s not like I’m new to lesbian sex or intimidated by wearing a strap-on. I just don’t want to. She treats me well and we are so in love. I can’t stand the thought of this putting a strain on our relationship. Maybe we should see a sex therapist or something. But like I said, our sex life is great aside from this. What should I do? How do I talk to her about it?

Well, this is a tricky situation indeed. It does seem a little one-sided that you love to receive the strap-on but you aren’t willing to give it. There is one thing that stands out to me that I felt the need to mention – unless it’s specifically intended as gender play, there’s nothing inherently masculine about wearing a strap-on. It’s a sex toy, just like any other, with the added bonus of leaving your hands free for other things.

That being said, it’s also important that your partner be understanding of the things you’re not comfortable with, and it seems like the strap-on is a “hard no” in your book. It’s never right to demand something that your partner simply isn’t comfortable with – but it’s also not fair to demand something you wouldn’t be able to give in return. If you’re really not willing to give it to her, then don’t expect her to give it anymore, either.

Of course, I must ask – have you ever actually tried it? The idea of wearing a strap-on can seem intimidating from the start, which is possibly a bigger problem than the perceived masculinity from it. It’s a challenging new thing to learn, and doesn’t seem to be as straightforward as the use of other toys is. But once you get used to the idea of giving it to your partner with a strap-on, most women love to do it!

Keep in mind that there are straight women who use a strap-on with their male partners – which just backs up the idea that there isn’t necessarily anything involved that inhibits your femininity. In fact, there are some strap-ons that can penetrate both of you at the same time; if that might set your mind more at ease in regards to the presumed gender roles, then opt for something like that instead.

As a somewhat feminine woman myself, let me tell you – I enjoy giving it to a partner with a strap-on much more than I like receiving it from. It’s not about gender play, it’s about power – and being able to “fuck” your partner in that way is an incredible source of power.

I recommend you first give it a chance, to see if you like it. Don’t expect to be perfect at it at first – and make sure you listen to your partner. It’s possible that just hearing how aroused she is by it will eliminate the feelings of doubt you have. It’s also possible that you’ll really enjoy it. If you have a toy that vibrates, this can be a great feeling for the one wearing the harness – turn it on!

If, after trying, you are unable to enjoy yourself (or at least tolerate it enough to give it to her in the future), be honest with her about it. She might be very disappointed by this, but if she respects you, she won’t push you after you’ve given it a chance. Just don’t expect her to extend the favor anymore, either.

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Should I Let Her Go?

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Q: Should I Let Her Go?

Dear KitschMix,

I met this girl online a while ago, we met for coffee, hit it off. Met up a second time at a show, ended up having sex in her car, but then I never saw her again after that.

I texted her a little while afterwards and she happened to be busy at the time, working a lot, couldn’t really make plans. I asked her to let me know when she had more free time. I’m assuming she just forgot, I did too, but I kind of want to see her again.

It’s been over a month since I last texted her. Would it be weird for me to text her now? We’ve only hung out twice; I don’t even know how I really feel about her. I think I’m just feeling lonely and wanting to be around new people, maybe curious to see where this goes.

I’ve never been one to really pursue anyone, I’m usually the asshole that blows people off or loses interest. Is it worth a shot or should I just let it go and find someone else?

Well, Reader, I think the first, most important question you need to ask yourself in this situation is: Why do you want to see her again? If you determine that it really is just you being lonely, then maybe it’s best to take some time to spend with your friends. Sometimes, when we’re in a relationship, we can forget about our friends, and that’s really not the best for our emotions. The lesbian urge to merge can be strong – we should fight it until we’re sure!

Of course, if you can’t determine conclusively that you’re just lonely, it may be worthwhile to explore the feelings with her. There’s probably a reason why you’re still thinking about her, right? Maybe it’s worth looking into. You never know, sometimes the best situations start in the most unexpected of ways.

It does, however, seem like she’s not really that interested. I don’t like when girls play games, like acting hard-to-get to make themselves feel more desirable, so if you think this could be the case on her end, you shouldn’t waste your time and effort on her. Some girls like casual sex – there’s not a lot you can do about it. Maybe she doesn’t think you clicked.

It shouldn’t hurt to text her and ask, though – worst case scenario, you’ll find out that she doesn’t care to be with you, and you can move on without her. Best case scenario, she forgot or thought you wouldn’t be interested – and you can move forward from there.

Best of luck, Reader – I hope you can figure out the situation between the two of you and reach a satisfactory conclusion!

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I Hooked Up With My Friend And Now I Want More

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Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

Quick back story – we met through work about a year and a half ago, but we never really hung out as closer friends until this spring.

Some of my friends would comment every now and again that I should ask her out on a date. I always knew she was bisexual however from what I can tell she hasn’t had a serious relationship with another woman. I’ve always been super attracted to women however due to a number of reasons, never really acted upon it. Also I couldn’t really picture me dating her at the time, it just didn’t make sense.

We’ve been spending more time together lately and it’s been cool, ya know? I’m moving away soon so I figured it was kind of natural to get a little closer. Last month we went to a queer dance party and she had way more to drink than I realized. We were chilling on a couch, and I was feeling more affectionate than usual and I started rubbing her neck and scratching her head. And then she looked at me and I realized right fucking then “Oh fucking christ, ____’s so beautiful. ” and I also realized she wanted to kiss me. So I let her and immediately felt weird for letting my drunk friend kiss me while I was mostly sober. So I made her get her jacket and walked her home.

So that’s when I started seriously considering what had never occurred to me until that night: “Could I date ____? Would that even work? Do I want to risk this great friendship?”

Anyways, she doesn’t remember it, and I never brought it up after because there was no real point. HOWEVER. This past Tuesday we got really drunk at this bar and uhh I don’t know I just remember kissing her on the shoulder because I couldn’t bear to kiss her on the mouth, and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Blah blah blah we went back to her place, we hooked up, and the next morning I went to work with a crazy hangover. We’ve been texting since then, and it doesn’t feel awkward or anything.

I keep running in circles over whether or not to ask her to “talk about it” and risk making what time I have left with her awkward. I also feel like if I don’t talk about it, I’m going to lose a real chance to find out whether or not she would date me.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but if you want to know – you’ve got to risk the awkwardness and ask. If things aren’t awkward now, it’s entirely possible that they’ll remain comfortable even when you talk about it. There’s nothing that says that things have to be weird when you hook up with a friend.

In fact, if you think about it, the best relationships often grow from friendships. Why should we feel awkward if this happens to us? There’s always going to be that chance that the two of you are meant to be. Even if neither of you has had a serious relationship with a woman before (even though you have no actual evidence that this is the case on her end) – everyone starts somewhere. There’s always a first time, and if you’re this drawn to her, this could be your chance for a first time!

The most important thing to remember in this situation is that the two of you need to be honest with each other. Keep in mind that her feelings may not be returned, but you’ll still need to ask. The way the curious human mind works, we will wonder about something until we know the answer, and if it’s something as serious as what could be love, it may eat us up inside until we finally act on it!

You said you’ll be moving away soon – does this mean that you might have a chance to “break free” if the situation ends up being embarrassing? It could actually be the perfect guard, from the information you’ve given… After all, if you aren’t going to run the risk of accidentally crossing paths, you can basically get away if things go sour. Please forgive me if I misunderstood this situation!

All in all, I think it would be unwise to ignore these feelings. The fact that things have happened more than once and it seems like you are both eager to explore it should tell you that it’s worth checking into it. Please don’t hesitate to send us a follow-up message telling us how it went!

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How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

So here’s the deal. I am in a loving and committed relationship and have been for three years. We fulfil one and other as companions, sharing intimacy as much as I could dream. I really love her, but there is still this urge I get to explore seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I love her less than before, as any poly person would tell you (I talked to a poly couple at length), I just feel like things could be even better.

However, I am uncertain as to how to proceed now. We have danced around the subject before, and I’m not sure how she feels. What language would others with more experience advise me to use? I don’t want it to come out negative, or for her to feel criticized or that I am unhappy with her. It’s such a difficult talk to consider, and a big step if we choose to pursue it. Any advice or anecdote would help.

I am not poly myself, but I have had a lot of poly friends in the past, and have also been the “other woman” in a poly relationship before. It works for some people, and it doesn’t work for others – and you’ll really never know until you ask her.

I understand your hesitation with bringing it up. It can be a tough situation to come across, because the opinions on the matter lie across the board. However, you said you’ve talked about it vaguely before. If she didn’t seem like she was offended by the idea, it may be safe to move forward.

I’d recommend bringing it up in a way that tells her that you’re genuinely interested in her opinion of the subject. Maybe start with something along the lines of “Have you ever thought about having an open relationship?” Don’t share your thoughts right away; if she’s completely unreceptive to the idea, you’ll need to decide whether it’s worth pressing forward or not. It is entirely possible that she won’t like the idea. Poly relationships are definitely not right for everyone.

If she admits that she has thought about an open relationship before, you can begin to present the reasons why you’re interested. Make sure you reassure her that it has nothing to do with you not wanting her – this is one of the biggest fears with poly relationships. Some people cite a difference in sex drive for the thing causing them to want to pursue others – if this is the reason, make sure you let her know.

It’s necessary that you two be comfortable discussing the specifics of your arrangement should it arise – there are no set-in-stone rules when it comes to open relationships, so you’ll need to work out every detail yourselves. You might decide that you’ll go no further than second base with your “others”, and keep all sexual activity between the two of you – you may decide that you’ll only have sex with the others, and keep all other forms of intimacy between the two of you.

It’s entirely up to you two, but these things typically work out best if all of the partners are given the same permissions. After all, it’s not really fair if one is allowed to do more than the others, right? Be fair to each other, and keep everyone’s needs in consideration.

Keep in mind, also, that not everyone is comfortable with participating in a poly relationship, either. You must understand and respect that, and always be honest with whatever “others” you may have. Even if your loyalties lie with your partner, honesty is key for everyone.

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How Should I Deal With My Crush? | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: How should I deal with my crush?

Dear KitschMix,

Help. I’ve just started my first term at university and I can feel myself developing a crush on my housemate. We met at freshers week and instantly clicked. We have so much in common.

She’s attractive, funny, sensitive… everything basically. But we’re going to be spending the next three years together so I really don’t want to make a move if it’s going to make things awkward.

Also, I can’t even tell if she’s gay! What should I do?

A: Well, reader, the easiest thing you could do would be to ask her. It might make things awkward, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

My girlfriend actually brought up a really good idea – you could bring up some past partners you’ve had, if you’ve had some, to see if she offers any information about her past relationships – such as the possibility of some of them being female.

She says, in her experience, this allows her to subtly “out” herself without putting pressure on her to instantly come up with a recovery if she’s not interested in ladies. If you’re worried about things being awkward, this can be a lifesaver – you don’t have to express your interest in her until you’re at least sure she’s playing for the same team.

If you’re a little less for subtlety, you could consider coming straight out and telling her that you’re gay, and asking if she is (or if she has a boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.). It has more of a chance of awkwardness, but pretty much only if she’s homophobic. (And if she is – do you really want to share a flat with her anyway?)

If you find out she is gay, you can continue to discover whether she’s interested in ladies like yourself – of course, the same choice of “subtlety” versus “overtness” will still apply. Get to know her on a deeper level and in time you’ll discover whether you two have a standing chance to be together. There’s no rush to jump into it; as you’ve said, you’ll be spending the next three years together.

Best of luck to you reader, and let us know how it turns out!

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How Do I Get Her Back? | We Answer Your Questions

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 Q: How Do I Get Her Back?

Dear KitschMix,

Okey so I was in a relationship with another woman for sometime, n then things got rocky and we split for a short time, now during that time of the split i met someone else and we began to develop feelings… now this is where the drama sets in. So what happened was my ex got back in the picture and we kinda decided to give it one last try. So we did even thou I knew at the time I had developed feelings for another.

When she found out i got back with her, she was angry and really disappointed. Even right she texts me now and then but its not the same. The thing is I really have strong feelings for her, I have left my partner but she doesn’t know yet. How do I go about apologising and try to sort of make up for the disappointment I have brought?

Hi there, Reader! This can be a difficult situation to be in. I was actually in a mess like this at the beginning of my relationship with my current girlfriend. You see, I had been “seeing” someone for quite a while, but it was nothing official. I thought she was perfect for me – but she kept blowing me off.

We decided to take some time apart, and I met someone else. Honestly I didn’t really give her the time of day, because part of me was just trying to make the other girl jealous with this new “friend”. The thing was, it was working – and the other girl decided to give me a shot after all!

In one of the worst ways possible, I ended up blowing the new girl off. She had been wonderful, exactly what I wanted in a girlfriend, even though she wasn’t my girlfriend… But I took the other girl back anyway. Turns out, the other girl hadn’t changed at all – she was just jealous of the new girl and pretended she’d do better.

Once things collapsed a final time, I couldn’t believe what an ass I’d been to the new girl! Here she was, everything I wished the other girl would be, and I still picked the other girl over me. Stupid, right? Anyway, we went our separate ways, and I had to figure out how to woo the first girl back.

Like you, I hadn’t stopped talking to either of them the entire time, I just altered what I shared with them. I realized I had made a stupid mistake and sent the first girl packing. In my situation, the new girl was already right there waiting for me – she had told me for a while already that she was perfect for me and she’d be waiting when I gave up on the other girl. (I thought she was being cocky, but she really was right.)

In your situation, it’s possible that it could be the same – if she’s still talking to you, she obviously wants you to be in her life, in some facet. But you’ll have to prove to her that your eyes are opened and you’re free from the spell of your ex. It won’t be easy, but it can usually be done.

Once you do win her over, you’ll probably have to prove yourself for a while, although it should be because you want to and not because she’s forcing you to. You’ll want her to know that you’re not indecisive, you’re not confused anymore, you want to be with her. One of the easiest ways to do this is to be open and honest with her.

Personally, I made a big to-do about taking the password off my phone. Hey, it’s sort of a dumb step (and my partner admitted to me that I was a bit silly about the whole thing) but that’s what it took for me to convince myself that I could be trusted not to go backwards.

I’m not saying that a phone password is necessarily the answer for you – you’ll have to figure out that variable on your own. The point is, you should do something simple to show that you’ve made the necessary changes within yourself to be hers and not your ex’s. Don’t try to open too many doors at once, or it’ll just come across as awkward.

Of course, it’s also possible that you won’t win her over, and if that happens, you’ll have to respect it. Just because we want a second chance doesn’t mean we will get one. I was very fortunate that my girlfriend had it figured out long before I did and that she hadn’t given up on me in the time it took me to realize things. But in my opinion, if you can’t win her over, that means she’s not the one!

Best of luck to you, Reader, and I hope to hear back about how it goes!

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I’m In A Relationship, But I Have Major Crush On Another Woman – Help! | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: In A Relationship, But I Have Major Crush On Another Woman

Dear KitschMix,

My SO and I have been together for 2.5 years. I love her more than anything and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. She makes me incredibly happy! We’re so comfortable with each other, tell each other EVERYTHING, and there’s never a time when our conversation feels “dead”. Point being, we’re madly in love.

But… We’ve been doing long distance the past month, and I developed a crush on a girl with whom I work. I told this to my SO, and she said that if the occasion arises, I should not feel bad about kissing said crush.

Part of me is conflicted. Why am I feeling the need to kiss someone else? I was immediately attracted to my crush the moment I saw her. We’ve flirted, sent texts, pictures, etc, but nothing beyond that. (And yes, I showed my SO the pictures and texts). Crush has a boyfriend, but the flirtation from her end was insane. Selfies, innuendos, emojis… She’s calmed down her flirting, but I told my SO that I do miss it a little.

Anyway, it felt good to get that off my chest. SO has been very supportive, and I thank Raptor that she’s in my life!!

Dear Reader,

It seems like you’re in a complicated position right now – but also that you have a very supportive girlfriend. Not everyone is able to support an “open” relationship. It certainly doesn’t work for everyone, but if it works for you – I know many people who are quite in love inside of their polyamorous relationships.

In my opinion, you should discuss with this other girl whether or not her boyfriend is aware of her flirtation with you. As I’ve said, there are a great deal of people who get along wonderfully inside of an open relationship – but if it’s not built on honesty, it’s dangerous territory. If her boyfriend knows and is OK with the situation, and your girlfriend also doesn’t mind, I don’t really see a problem in pursuing it.

You should be aware that there is always a potential for these things to go sour, though. There’s a chance that your girlfriend starts out OK with it and a later point decides she isn’t, at which point you’ll have to choose between the two women. Often, if your true feelings lie with your girlfriend, the choice may be easy and you’ve already “got it out of your system” with the other girl.

Other times, however, this won’t be the case. There is a potential that you will develop deeper feelings for this other girl. This can be difficult emotionally on everyone involved, but I am a firm believer that “what will be, will be” and eventually you will arrive at the right decision for you.

Of course, the main point of all of this is that there should be complete honesty between everyone involved. Make sure you communicate the situation at every step of the way, to avoid as much hurt as possible. There is no such thing as a perfect shot, but if the lines of communication stay fully open (ideally between all of you) your chances are as good as they can be.

Best of luck!

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Am I Being Too Picky – Should I Settle For Second Best, Because I’m Struggling To Find Ms Right?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Am I being too picky – should I settle for second best, because I’m struggling to find Ms Right?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m struggling with this right now. I don’t know how “picky” I can afford to be, since the lesbian dating pool is so small in my home town. Maybe my standards are too high.

I recently broke up with a really sweet girl because I thought I wanted to be with someone I had more in common with.

It wasn’t that I was unhappy with her; it was just that I thought maybe there was someone out there who would be a better match. I did like her; I just thought I could like someone else more.

But now there’s the problem of there not being anyone else who I think is “as good” as her, and I’m wondering if I made the wrong decision.

A: Well, Reader, my answer to this question depends on what you mean by “settling”. I strongly believe there is a “right person” out there for everyone – but at the same time, there is no such thing as “perfect”. You have to take an inventory of the things that matter to you in a relationship, and decide which are the most important.

For example, the reason you gave – someone you have more in common with. Common traits and interests are a wonderful thing, because they help us to understand a person better, and sometimes they even help us decide who we want to date. But not having everything in common is actually a blessing, as it allows you to have your own autonomy.

Picture your future: Are you going to want to be with someone who you spend every minute with? Most likely not, because having a “shadow” can get irritating after a while. Ideally, you should be seeking someone who you have some things in common with, but who accepts your differences as a part of who you are.

In other words, it’s not as important that you be similar as it is that you be compatible.

If you’re a vegan, for example, you probably won’t want to date someone who’s an avid hunter, just as someone who’s highly religious won’t likely be happy with someone who’s a self-proclaimed heathen. (I’m not saying that I believe anyone is truly a “heathen” by a broad definition, but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.)

This girl who you broke up with. Were the differences things that truly clashed, or were they just differences? I strongly feel that you should never settle for someone who doesn’t mesh well with your core values. They don’t necessarily have to agree with you on everything, but they shouldn’t fight you on it, either.

In my own relationship, my partner has long wanted her partner to carry a child. But I made the decision when I was much younger that I would rather be an adoptive parent – I have genetic traits that I choose not to pass along to a child. To me, it didn’t matter if my future child was biologically related to my partner or if we both adopted – just that I did not conceive and give birth to a child.

It caused a bit of tension in the beginning, as she was convinced that I was going to change my mind, and I was quite adamant that I had made my mind up 20 years ago (yes, I made the decision at a very young age). However, as our relationship grew, we reached a compromise: I have a brother who would be willing to donate on my behalf, in order to conceive a child that would be biologically related to me. I was willing to accept the idea of us using a surrogate in order to have a child when we’re ready. She came around and realized that who carries the child is not as important as who raises the child – a family is built on love, after all.

If I were you, I would probably try to get back in touch with the girl you broke up with, although depending on how you left the break-up that may not be possible. If she’s not willing to give it a second chance, you have to respect that.

However, before you do anything, it’s important that you take an inventory of the things you want out of a partner and determine which you are absolutely not able to live without. If your partner meets all of your requirements, but not necessarily all of your requests, give it a chance! You never know. That “imperfect person” could be exactly what you need.

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My Straight Crush Admitted She Likes Me, So What Should I Do? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Straight Crush Admitted She Likes Me, So What Should I Do?

Dear KitschMix,

We’re both 18. She’s had a few boyfriends before. I’ve never been in a relationship. I kind of got introduced into her friend group around 12th grade and we got kinda close. I’m pretty sure everyone in my friend group was in love with her, like Jesus she’s amazing. I was fine being just friends because I was (am) confused by my sexuality, and she’s always been the straight girl I would never have a chance with.

Anyways we started texting and she asked me if I’ve ever thought about girls as more than friends. I tell her I think I’m bisexual. She says she’s been questioning a lot lately and it’s confusing.

Me being me, tell her I “used to” be crushing on her “for a bit.” She says she has a crush on me too. I proceed to freak the fuck out but play it really cool in convo trying to lighten the mood and stuff cause neither of us know how to react haha. I’ve never been in a relationship and now I’m freaked out. She freaked out a bit more than me like “let’s pretend we’ve never had this conversation” I’m all like “relax” “don’t worry about it”.

I’ve never had a relationship before so I have no idea what I’m doing although I try to play off the more “totally cool with everything” vibe, which I’m not sure is the right thing to do. She’s confused, I’m confused – should I even go there?

A: Dear Reader,

It sounds to me that you are both curious – which is possibly the best situation to explore a relationship (if you are both on the same experience level).

Keep in mind if you have never been in a relationship before – there is always a chance it will go sour. The fact that you’re both curious doesn’t really factor in quite as much as if one of you were curious and the other were out-and-proud.

It is possible that one (or both) of you will discover that you don’t actually like girls at all.

It is possible that one (or both) of you will discover that you are definitely bisexual.

It is possible that one (or both) of you will realize that you’re a lesbian.

All of these factors can result in some bad endings, but usually only if one of you decides you’re definitely straight and the other begins to develop deeper feelings. Of course, the chance that one of you will fall harder than the other can’t really be avoided.

I would strongly recommend you pursue it, but only if you can handle the idea of losing her as a friend. You’ll never know the answers if you don’t ask the questions, and the uncertainty and confusion can really mess with your head. Of course, I hope that you two will remain happy together, but it’s unlikely that your first relationship will be the “right” relationship for the rest of your life.

It’s not impossible, just as it’s not impossible to stay friends after a break-up. But you have to understand what the consequences could be.

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My Butch Girlfriend Has Suddenly Gone Femme | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: My butch Girlfriend Has Suddenly Gone Femme

Dear KitschMix,

OK. I have a problem and hope people here won’t judge me because I feel terrible about this situation. I have a girlfriend of 2 years who I absolutely adore. I came out rather late (when I was 24) but she has been out since she was a teenager.

Both of us identify as gay and have no interest in men. However, I have always been attracted solely to butch women – or at least women who had a masculine, or at least androgynous appearance.

My girlfriend fits this to a T – short hair, jeans and T-shirt, tall and muscular figure, plays softball, etc. In contrast, I have always been on the more feminine side of the spectrum.

Anyway, last month we went together to a wedding of a family friend. To my surprise, when we were getting ready, she comes out of the bathroom wearing a dress. I have literally NEVER seen her wear a dress, and in fact, in the past she has always told me that she felt uncomfortable wearing women’s clothing. She looked pretty nervous, and asked if I liked it. I told her that I did … but in reality, I was weirded out, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

We went to the wedding and when we came home, she pulled me into the bedroom. And this sounds SO terrible to say but while she was kissing me, all I could think about was how we were both wearing dresses and heels and how I felt like I was kissing my mother, or my aunt, or my best (platonic) female friend. Something about it felt wrong.

It’s been a month since this happened, and (without any further explanation), she has started wearing dresses/skirts on a regular basis and has even started growing her hair long. And I haven’t said anything, but my feelings haven’t changed. It feels weird to me, and it’s hard for me to feel attracted to her even though I still love her as a person.

What is the reason for this?? I feel like a terrible human being. On one hand, I know love is about more than what someone looks like. My girlfriend hasn’t changed at all on the inside, so I should love her regardless of what clothes she’s wearing. But on the other hand, how many straight women would lose all attraction to their boyfriends/husbands if they suddenly started wearing women’s clothes? (Lol.) And also, is my attraction to butch women some sort of manifestation of a hidden homophobia or something? I don’t know what to do or why I’m feeling like this.

A: First let me start with your first paragraph – anyone who is willing to judge you isn’t worth your time. This is a free space, and your opinions are valuable. No one is here to judge you.

Second, you are allowed to have your preferences. In this day and age, as people begin to become more accepting (especially as it pertains to the gay community) the unfortunate side effect is that people feel entitled to be offended by things that have nothing to do with them. In this situation, who you are attracted to is out of your control. If you’re more attracted to butch women, it is your right to have that preference.

Just as someone who prefers to date tall women or short women exclusively – we all have a type, and some are more specific than others. No one can tell you that “your type” is wrong.

It doesn’t mean you’re secretly homophobic. It means you prefer butch women.

Beyond that, however, you need to evaluate how important this new part of her personality is to you. My girlfriend, for example, is strictly butch – but I’m not typically attracted to women who have a strong leaning one way or the other.

In my relationship, I have decided that it’s less important than other factors (although I do often request that she wear something girly, just for me – without having to go out in public in it) but the fact of the matter is that only you can decide if that is true for your relationship. No one can force you to be attracted to something you’re not attracted to.

If you can’t handle the idea her of presenting femininely, your next option should be to see how firm she is about this new style. In some cases, when women change their style, it may simply be because they’re trying to accommodate an assumption they have about their girlfriend. If this is the case, most likely you’ll just have to tell her that no, you’re not into it, and she’ll go back to her old self.

If she does want to express herself in more feminine clothing, my advice is that you see if you can negotiate. For example, “If you’re going out with your friends, I don’t mind how you’re dressing, but if we are going to go on a date would you mind dressing in your old clothes?” It won’t always work, but if you care deeply about each other, you should be willing to compromise.

If she’s not willing to budge, and you’re not willing to budge, you may be best served by some time apart. (This is actually what made me realize I was willing to accept my girlfriend’s masculinity – we broke up for a while, and I realized I missed her more than I cared about how she dressed.) It’s possible that you’ve simply grown in different directions. This is an unfortunate part of the process of growing up in general, and there’s not really a way to address that issue alone.

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2-Year Relationship And I Barely Know Any Of Her Friends… | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: 2-Year Relationship And I Barely Know Any Of Her Friends…

Dear KitschMix,

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years, we live together now and even have a cat. She is quite a social person and has lots of friends and easily makes friends.

I’m basically the opposite, introverted with some anxiety issues. So whenever she is invited somewhere with her friends, she asks me if I’d like to come, and most of the time I say no as being in a large group of relative strangers is very hard for me (I’ve had panic attacks at her social events before). It’s gotten to the point now where I go to none of these events with her, and I barely know any of her friends.

She says that she’s not bothered about it, but I feel like I really should know them better?

A: Hi Reader,

First of all, something that sticks out to me is that she’s a very social person, and you’re quite an introvert. This sounds like exactly why you don’t know much about her friends, and the fact that she’s not bothered by it probably means that she understands how you are and loves you anyway.

A little-known fact about me: I have severe social anxiety. It’s actually one of the things that drew me to being a writer; I don’t need to interact with people as part of my daily routine, and I can instead choose to do it on my own terms. This last birthday, I had a nervous breakdown when my in-laws sang the Happy Birthday song to me, and I started crying and ran off – and I had lived with these people for the better part of a year!

If you want to get to know your girlfriend’s friends (although it doesn’t seem like she’s bothered by it), consider asking her to invite over one or two for a “mini dinner party” or something. This will be a lot easier on you, as you’ll have a more even ratio of people you know vs. people you don’t know. If it’ll make it easier, invite over someone from your circle as well – whether it’s a friend, a family member, a co-worker… Just someone you know better than you know her friends.

One of the biggest roots of social anxiety (and anxiety in general) is a feeling of being overwhelmed. The easiest way to overcome this is to slowly “water down” the new people with your “anchors” – this would be your girlfriend and someone from your circle. Keep it small, because you’re trying to fight the anxiety away. You want 1-2 people you don’t know with 1-2 people you do know.

If your social anxiety is overwhelming to you already, you might not be able to handle large social settings. Personally, I can’t handle being around even large groups of people I DO know unless I have somewhere I can retreat to. By choosing to have these meetings in your own home or the home of a close friend, you’ll know the “hidden places” that you can go if you need time to regroup.

From my (outsider’s) perspective, I can tell that your girlfriend is accepting of this part of your personality. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be with you after two years, right? Chances are, she knows that it’s difficult for you, and she’ll be willing to accommodate you as you try to get in touch with her life.

(Plus, as an added bonus, new people in small amounts over a long period of time not only increases the size of your own social circle, which is good for your mental health, but can also help you to get over your social anxiety – or at least help minimize it to a manageable level.)

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I’m Struggling With The Fact My Girlfriend Was Previously With A Man | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Struggle with the fact that my girlfriend was previously with a man.

Dear KitschMix,

I’m not her first girlfriend, I don’t have any trust issues with her, and I have no doubt about how much she loves me and that she doesn’t want to be with anyone else. But these extremely unpleasant thoughts of her being intimate with her ex are driving me crazy.

She has a daughter, and I don’t know if that triggers it (reminds me of how she came into this world). The thought of her being with her ex-girlfriend doesn’t bother me, just the father of her child

A: Reader, this is something I hear all the time. You are definitely allowed to have your preferences – but allow me to explain how they’re unfair to your partner.

You say you can tell that she loves you and has no desire to be with anyone else. The only person who’s thinking of her and her baby daddy is you. She has had sex with a man, yes – but that was before she met you.

Quite frankly, most women (even those who identify as lesbians, myself included!) have, at one point in time, been with a man. There are a number of reasons for this – they could have had something to prove (my personal reason), they could have wanted to have a child “naturally” (an ex of mine), they may have been confused (numerous other exes), or they could possibly not have a preference between men and women (pretty much covers the rest of my exes).

This can be particularly unfair to the child, believe it or not, because whether the child is aware of it or not, she is indirectly the reason for your internal struggle. She is the reminder of something from your partner’s past that you don’t agree with. If your partner had only been with men before you, but didn’t have a daughter, would you think differently of her? Or is it only because there is a verification of her past?

What should matter to you is what she does now. If she had expressed an interest in returning to men, then this would be a cause for concern. But if it’s an area of her past that you’re having a hard time accepting, you are judging her based on a person that she no longer is.

If you truly can’t come to accept her past for what it is, it’s best if you get out of the relationship before it gets too long and she ends up more hurt. Dragging these things out only causes more pain in the long run, as it can lead her to feel that her time was wasted.

Now I Know I Want To Be With A Woman, How Do I Move Forward? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Now I know I want to be with a woman, how do I move forward?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m 25 and over the past two years have been struggling with questioning my sexual and romantic orientation. Throughout my life there have been signs that my sexuality was fluid but only when I realised I’d fallen hard for a female friend, did it change my entire life. To cut a long story short, I told her my feelings, she cut me off and broke my heart and since then every priority has altered.

Relationships have always taken a back seat for my career all of which hasn’t ended up going the way I wanted but now I think about it all the time. Now I’m finding everything is changing at a rapid rate, I’m drifting from friends, I have no idea what my career is, feeling as if I need to move away and start again and I want a relationship so badly that I know I am just projecting desperation which I know is never good.

Not because I think it will complete me, or something like that, but because I’m so used to being on my own, I now really want to share my life with someone special. The problem is I have poor experience in dating, I’m terrible at the art of seduction and now am committed to finding a relationship with another woman but have no idea how to go about this having only attempted to date men before.

What makes things worse is that I am only just coming to terms with the fact that I am definitely not straight but not completely gay either, (although I no longer see myself with a man, at least not for a long time). Because of all the myths and bad reputations of bisexual or fluid people floating around, convincing myself to accept it has been tough, but the idea of finding someone else who accepts it, particularly a woman who accepts that so far and at my age, I have only had sex with men (albeit really awful) and have never had a long term relationship, seems impossible.

With my lack of romance experience and my fluid orientation and my age, my fear is that I am well and truly un-dateable and will be alone forever. Is there any hope?

A: Well, reader, let me tell you: You are not alone in your discovery of a fluid sexuality. In fact, it’s pretty widely believed that all humans are sexually fluid – some just may not find the catalyst for their desires to change. Sometimes, it happens – and acceptance of it can bring you a great deal of satisfaction on its own.

That’s not to say that exploring it isn’t in your best interest. You fell for a female friend and she shot you down – that’s okay! Not everyone finds love right away. Those fairy-tale movies where the first person you fall for, happens to be the love of your life? Yeah, that doesn’t really happen in real life.

By getting your first female heartbreak out of the way, you’re actually better off. Your pain tells you that you were more than just “curious” – not that there’s anything inherently wrong with curiosity, but it’s important to know where you stand.

You might think this is a late point in life for you to be realizing things about yourself, but the truth is that things can change at any point. I know women who didn’t realize they were bisexual until they were in their mid-to-late 40s. You’re definitely not a late bloomer!

In my experience, women also value different things in a relationship than men do, which can be to your benefit. For example, you say your dating experience with men was bad – it’s possible that the issues you had with them won’t relate to your issues with females. In some ways, everyone wants the same thing, but the truth is, the “same thing” that everyone wants is happiness. There’s no set in stone right or wrong. If someone isn’t happy with you as you are, don’t bother with them – somewhere out there, there’s someone who will think you’re perfect. Whether that person is a man or a woman isn’t really an issue, as you have given yourself “permission” to pursue it in either way.

My advice to you in your future dating endeavors is just be honest, with yourself and your dates. If the person isn’t a good fit for you, don’t try to force it – a little bit of a sting in the beginning will hurt a lot less than revealing down the line that you have been “faking it”. Don’t fall into that trap!

Also, be honest with the women you’re dating in terms of your experience. Some women choose not to date bisexual women – and there’s not really anything you can do about this. It might not seem fair, but everyone is allowed to have a preference. You shouldn’t ask them to compromise their “criteria” any more than you would be willing to compromise your own (even if these criteria are different, as they often are).

I have actually written an e-book on this subject, and I recommend you take a look at it. If you have a Kindle Unlimited subscription, it’s free to read, and if you don’t, it’s only $1. (To be frank, you can sign up for a one-month trial of Kindle Unlimited for that price and find a wealth of books that may help you – but I have only written one.) If you’re interested, you can find it (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0165PQIJK).

I wish you all the best in your journey – in the path to self-discovery it’s inevitable that you will find new things about yourself. There are no wrong answers, as long as you are honest and safe about your exploration.

I’m a Bi Woman, Married To A Man, But Can’t Stop Thinking About Being With Women Again | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: I’m a Bi Woman Married To A Man With Kids, But Can’t Stop Thinking About Being With Women Again

Dear KitschMix

My husband and I have been together since early adulthood (10 years). Before him, I had sexual encounters and a few kisses with other women, but then we married and that finished.

But my feelings for women have not disappeared. I now find myself having these sneaky thought and fantasies about hooking up with other women.

I’ve even gone online to communicated with other women, but never follow through. This has happened several times – usually every couple of years.

I am out to my husband and some close friends. He understands in some ways, but not in others. We have a house together, and kids, but I don’t feel attracted to my husband like I once did.

I am trying to feel attracted to him. He’s a really good person and a great dad. I do love him, but I haven’t felt in love with him in a long time – possibly ever.

I am trying to deal with the feelings I’m having about this, like, if I would eventually want to leave him for a woman, is it better to do it sooner? Or stay together for our kids even if I feel like cheating and am unsatisfied sexually? Do people successfully have open marriages when this type of scenario occurs?

I’m so sad to think about just about every scenario of my romantic and sexual life at the moment. We are open to the idea of a threesome but it’s hard to make it actually happen and I don’t know that it would change anything. How can I move forward?

A: Dear reader,

Let me start by saying that I don’t think cheating is ever the right answer to a situation. All you’d be doing by sneaking around is postponing the inevitable, as well as hurting your husband and maybe even your kids. The only situations where polyamory (open relationships) work is when all partners involved know the situation and are willing to agree to it.

Even then, there’s a chance it could end in jealousy and pain, but if you’re sneaking around the pain is inevitable.

Let me speak to you from personal experience for a minute. I’m a product of a break-up. My parents weren’t right for each other, and neither of them wanted to force it – so they broke up.

I still got to see both of my parents, and even though I had ideas when I was a kid that something magical would happen and they’d end up together – as I grew up I realized what was really right. If they would have stayed together for me, I would have been the reason for their unhappiness.

This wouldn’t have been fair to me as a kid, and it wouldn’t be fair to your kids, either. Definitely don’t keep your kids away from their dad, but don’t stay together for their sake. That never works out.

If you think that this is just a phase you’re going through (we don’t like to admit that sometimes it is), consider explaining to your husband how you feel. Tell him that you would like the freedom to be able to see women. Hey, some men are okay with the idea, and he’ll be there waiting for you when and if you come back to him. However, there are of course some risks with that scenario.

If you think you aren’t now, nor will you ever again be attracted to your husband, the best thing to do is to move on with your life. Imagine how he would feel if he finds out ten years from now that you were faking it for half your marriage – it wouldn’t be pretty. The divorce will hurt for awhile, but it won’t hurt as bad as the shame of being lied to.

By all means, you’re going to do whatever you feel is right in the end – but lying to the people you care about is a cruel way to handle your business.


My Best Friend Uses Hook-Up Apps To Find Sex | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: My Best Friend Uses Hook-Up Apps To Find Sex

Dear KitschMix,

I hate the fact that my best friend uses hook-up apps to find sex. She’s 32 and claims that she’s looking for a meaningful relationship, but all I ever see her do is fiddle with her phone and shoot out for loveless encounters.

I tell her that she’s being tacky. She counters that I don’t understand how the dating world works these days. I care for her very much and worry about her sexual health and safety. She was badly hurt by her ex girlfriend last year and now I fear she’s vulnerable. How do I protect her?

A: It’s your best friend’s choice to use hook-up apps if she likes – she is an adult, after all, and capable of making her own decisions. For you to call her “tacky” for the way she chooses to run her love life is, in my opinion, a bit tacky in itself.

She is right about the dating world, though. Most people look online to find someone. Not that there aren’t other ways to meet people, too, just that most people use their phones for everything anymore. I met my girlfriend on Facebook, completely by accident – and things are fine here.

I understand your concerns for her safety, but there are other ways you can show this concern than by attacking a choice she’s making with her life. Instead of telling her she’s being tacky, consider talking to her about safer sex, and discuss getting some type of personal protective device (pepper spray, pocket knife, etc. – check your local laws first).If you are actually concerned with her safety, why would you start with anything else?

I do get where you’re coming from, Reader. The online dating world can be a scary place, and sometimes it really is dangerous. She might be going about her search for “the one” the wrong way, but that’s not your decision to make. Sometimes we need to take the “easy way” for awhile. Eventually we’ll get bored of it and allow love to find us – but you can’t force her to take this step.

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How Do I Get The Spark Back? | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: How Do I Get The Spark Back?

Dear KitschMix,

So my girlfriend and me have been going out for over 3 years now. It’s our first “real” (her words) relationship.

When we first got together after about 6 months we started sleeping round each other’s house all the time. We both had 3 months off for summer, and we practically spent everything waking moment with each other.

That’s not to say we had sex all the time, but it was quite regular, and it was fun. She used to buy lingerie to surprise me, and in general we were great together.

I then moved away to go to university, and we went long distance. Obviously we’ve had our ups and downs (long distance is a bitch), but it worked out, and we’re still together.

The problem is she recently (late last year) she got a super busy job, that means she works all week, regularly into the evening, and she then has another part time job at least 1 or 2 evenings a week.

This has all left her with not very much spare time. We generally see each other for 2 evenings a week now, and I’m generally OK with that. Obviously I’d like to see her more, but I appreciate she’s super busy and fits me in as well as she can.

Here’s the issue. We never sleep together anymore. I’ve been home for a few months now, and we’ve had one romantic night together, and even then it was with clothes on. I’m living back with my parents (who are really cool and like her), and I have a double bed. She lives in shared house with a single bed.

She doesn’t like sleeping round my house at all anymore, she says she has anxiety about my parents thinking we just use it as a hotel, and it makes her too worried to even consider sex. However, her house has a single bed, with roommates who all stay up super late, and the door to her bedroom doesn’t even close completely. Like, it jams and you have to shove it to get it to close, but there’s still a tiny gap.

I miss sex with her. A lot. She’s gorgeous, sexy, clever, funny, and I completely adore her, but the lack of sex is driving me crazy. I don’t want to break up with her, but every time I talk to her she either says she’s rarely in the mood and can’t make herself in the mood for me.

I’ve suggested going away, but even that doesn’t work, because she feels like we’re only going away to have sex, and feels too pressured to have sex she might not be in the mood for.

I don’t know what to do. I adore her, and I’ve tried to explain so many times that the lack of sex is driving me crazy, but she just says that sex is something she’s just not willing to compromise on, and that I just have to wait for it to “all click into place”.

I could understand that I guess, but I just don’t see an end to it. There’s nothing big coming up that’s going to change everything, and in the mean time I’m finding it really hard to deal with how incredibly attractive I find her, and yet how little we have sex.

She says sex shouldn’t be forced, and I appreciate that, but surely we should at least make the time to have the OPPORTUNITY for it, if we both were in the mood.

I’m at a loss what to do, I love her, and I adore her, but it’s driving me crazy wanting to be so close to her, but not ever having the opportunity to be.

A: I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but to me it sounds like your girlfriend is just not interested in sex with you right now – and there’s nothing you can do to force that.

It happens sometimes, and it does go away in some cases, so I wouldn’t advise you to give up if you really want to make this work with her.

As far as the locations go, you don’t really have a lot to work with.

She’s right, you know – if you go away, to have sex, it’ll be like you’re going away to have sex. (It’s funny how that works.)

It seems like you don’t have many options right now – so it’s best if you cater to her on this one.

If there’s any way to block her door so it stays shut – I’d do that.

I used to have a door that was slammed too much by an ex girlfriend; when I wanted to be intimate with my new lady, I would stick a laundry hamper in front of it.

It’s not great, but it worked. (Later, at the same house, I ended up moving my stuff into the living room after a dispute with some roommates – we hung a sheet from the ceiling and it didn’t slow us down at all!) If you want to have sex with her, you can’t put too much importance into the location. Work with what you’ve got!

You said she has been working a lot lately – is it possible that the stress from work is causing some friction to her? You could try offering to give her a massage instead of trying for sex. Not only would it be a nice thing to do for her, but it might even loosen her up enough for her to get in the mood. It’s worth a shot, right?

In my personal experience, I tend to veer towards the asexual side when I’m caught up with work. I have a tendency to be a workaholic, and it sounds to me like your girlfriend might be, too.

I try to do my best to remember to “shut down” and make time for my partner, but it’s still hard to put myself in the mood for sex if my mind’s not in it.

Almost instinctively now, my partner knows that if I’m working late a few nights in a row, or exhausted by the time I make it to bed, she should rub my shoulders. I’m not sure how your handiwork is, but my lady knows how to rub out the knots. (Double entendre definitely intended.) Once I’ve relaxed a bit, she starts to slowly “warm me up”.

As long as I’m not super tired by the time I get there, it almost always works. You should try it. Even if it doesn’t result in sex for you, your partner will appreciate it. (And if she doesn’t, she’s not worth your time.)

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Her Secrets Are Tearing Us Apart | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: Her Secrets Are Tearing Us Apart

Dear KitschMix,

Six months after I moved in with my girlfriend, I got an anonymous email telling me she has a another girlfriend that live a few streets away. A few days later, a debt collector turned up demanding £600, which I felt obliged to pay. I’ve asked her about it, but she absolutely refuses to open up – telling me its all misunderstanding.

She won’t tell me anything about her past relationships, and expects me to act normal. How am I expected to live like this?

A: Well, reader, the short answer is, “leave her”.

This probably sounds harsh, but think about it. Don’t even think about the e-mail about the other girlfriend; this is just hearsay unless you have proof. Instead, focus on the things you do know – she doesn’t think you’re worthy of the truth.

I have an ex girlfriend that I lived with for a few years, and after awhile I started to notice that things didn’t really add up – and she got defensive any time I asked her to explain. “If you actually loved me, you’d trust me” was the best response I could get.

It turns out, she was cheating on me with multiple people, using drugs, and not paying the bills where we were living – when she moved out, our electricity bill was over $700 past due. She made money, but she wasn’t paying the bills with it! But of course, when we were still together, it was none of my business.

Of course, I hope your situation isn’t as harsh as mine was – but if she refuses to tell you anything and gets defensive when you call her on things, there is a chance that she’s lying to you, and/or being manipulative. Run as fast as you can!

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My Friends Won’t Accept My Girlfriend | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: My friends won’t accept my girlfriend

Dear KitschMix,

My new partner is tricky and challenging, but I like that in a woman. Our sex life is edgy because I never know what she’s going to do next. Unfortunately, none of my circle of friend (gay and straight) don’t like her. I tell them that she makes me happy, but they accuse her of being rude to them, and of isolating to me from them as well.

Now my best friend is refusing to invite her to her wedding and I’m angry. Why can’t people simply live and let live?

A: Reader, I get the impression from your letter that this is a vast majority of your friends who are saying these things. Do you think there might be some truth in them? I’m asking because that makes a huge difference in how you proceed from here.

If you think that the friends are making these things up, and are possibly jealous of your relationship (whatever the exact situation may be), maybe these aren’t friends you need in your life. My current girlfriend, for example; some people tried to tell her things about me that were obviously untrue – but they seem to have been made up of the same components.

If it’s a bunch of friends with one or two complaints each, there’s a chance that they’re just not as good of friends as you think they are. Sometimes our friends change over time, and that’s ok.

However, if a number of your friends are saying the same thing, and there could be some truth to them – this is something you should bring up to your partner.

You’ll have to address the issues individually and see which your partner is willing to work on, and which your friends are being unreasonable about. In the end, it’s not your friends’ job to love your partner – it’s yours.

If your girlfriend is ok with you staying friends with them, separate from her, there’s nothing wrong with that!

Basically, you have to decide which relationship means more to you, and figure out how you can work with that. If you truly can’t decide between them, it’s best to offer the compromise.

Tell your friends that you won’t bring your girlfriend around, but that you don’t want to hear the negative things about her anymore.

Tell your girlfriend that you would like to keep your friends, but you don’t expect her to change who she is in order to suit their demands.

Best of luck!

Help, My Low Sex Drive Is Causing Big Problems In My Relationship | We Answer Your Questions

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Q: My Low Sex Drive Is Causing Big Problems With My Girlfriend Of One Year.

Dear KitschMix,

For some backstory my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, but about a year “officially.” At first I was reluctant to enter a relationship just due to our difference in past relationships. She is my first “real” relationship. Before meeting her I didn’t believe in relationships, didn’t want them, etc. She has had several girlfriends and they’ve all been long time relationships. Because of this I have had more sexual partners and more sexual experience than her. I know this sometimes bothers her, and makes her uncomfortable but I don’t think it’s ever been a problem.

When we first started hooking up she had a lot of anxiety over sex. I tried to be as understanding and helpful as I could, and together we got over the problem and have a great sex life. Except recently I’ve been experiencing a far lower sex drive than normal.

It started a few months ago, and she picked up on it immediately but unfortunately her reaction was to blame herself. She asked me if I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, and other questions like that but that’s completely not the case. I’m genuinely more attracted to her than anyone I’ve ever encountered, and we have the greatest compatibility and chemistry.

Any lack of desire is not on her part at all and yet she still blames herself. I hoped/thought it would be a passing feeling but over the past few months it’s only grown, even against my best efforts to stop it. The problem really came to a head last night. We were having sex and I felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. I felt empty, and lost, and confused.

The biggest problem within this problem is that after thinking about it a lot last night I don’t have a complete lack of sex drive… it’s just lower with my partner right now. I don’t know what to do about this at all. I can still watch porn, read erotic stories, or even fantasize about other people and get turned on but not when I’m engaging in the actual activity with her. I’m afraid that it’s gotten to this point because of the monogamy (this is the longest I’ve been with the same person), and the fact that I don’t really know how to exist in a relationship. I’m still learning I try to tell my partner that but she’s convinced it’s going to be our downfall. What makes me feel the guiltiest is that I’m still prone to having sex dreams, but the ones that turn me on are the ones that don’t focus around my partner. Honestly, this really kills me. I feel like I’m emotionally cheating on her and I don’t know what to do. I know that it’s just my subconscious but it’s destroying me.

At this point I don’t know what I need. It’s not just a break from sex, since I can still get turned on. I never want to do anything with someone other than my partner but right now having sex with her just hurts.

I’ve tried to suggest to her a period (week long/month long) of not having sex to “recharge our batteries” but she always takes offense to this. I just feel really alone with this problem, and the thought of losing someone I love so much is crippling. What should I do?

A: Well, my girlfriend isn’t going to be too fond of this article, but I have something to share with you: I’ve been in the same rut. Very similar, at least. I’m not going to delve into the specifics just in case my girlfriend is reading, but rest assured – I know where you’re coming from, and I get paid to write about sex. Go figure!

To me, it sounds like you’re not dealing with a lack of love, but actually the opposite. When we become comfortable in our relationships, we have a tendency to neglect each other. It seems counter-productive, doesn’t it? I’m sure you’ve heard of “lesbian bed death”, and the truth is that it can affect all relationships, whether the partners are the same sex or not (lesbians and straight married couples definitely get more than their fair share of the stereotype, to be sure). It’s a lot more common than you think it is.

Part of the reason for this is that we know we can have sex with our partner whenever we want – and that makes us want it less. It’s not a challenge anymore. These other women you’re thinking about, on the other hand, have mystery, and especially if you’re coming from a place where you’re used to having the freedom to sleep with whomever you desired when the opportunity struck… It’s quite an adjustment.

What I recommend is that you continue talking to your partner about how you’re feeling, and try to get to the bottom of why you’re feeling this way, to see if it’s something you can change. It’s possible that it’s just an anxiety on your part – sometimes, when we’re feeling guilty about “cheating”, even if we haven’t actually done anything, our sex life can take the back burner. I’ve definitely been there, as well.

I do think that your idea of “taking a break” from sex can be beneficial, with certain limits. For example, when I’m busy with work and I don’t have the time or energy for sex, I look at my schedule and plan out when I’ll be free and hypothetically responsive. Sometimes, a crazy thing happens: When I know I have to wait for it, I want it so much more. Obviously this isn’t always the case, but it works often enough to be considered a good idea.

Have you considered the idea of rolling with the fantasies you have? Allow yourself to think of these other people, while you’re having sex with your girlfriend. (Well, with one exception: If they’re people you could feasibly cheat with, or people you’ve had sex with in the past, I don’t recommend intentionally engaging those fantasies. Try to keep it limited to celebrities and made-up characters.)

I have a philosophy that, if there’s nothing to worry about, there’s nothing to confess. Not everyone may feel the same way – but it’s how I keep jealousy at bay.

Another option would be to mutually “self-service”, while thinking about whatever it is that turns you on. Use a blindfold if you have to, but make sure she can see you. Having your partner know that you’re turned on but she’s not allowed to touch can be incredibly sexy if handled correctly.

Try to think of it as an opportunity to “live out” a fantasy, instead of a roadblock.
If you approach the problem from that standpoint, you may find that your partner is receptive to this “fantasy” scenario – which can result in your sex drive for her blossoming back. After all, you mentioned that you’re still definitely attracted to her.

My third and final option is that you try to push yourself through it. Tell your partner that you need her to work harder to “warm you up”. Maybe she’s not doing the things she used to do that get you turned on – it’s not necessarily her fault, nor is it yours, but it plays into the “comfortable” thing I touched on earlier. Tell her the things you need from her to get aroused. (In my own experience, sometimes it can be helpful if I compromise and allow my partner to be the receiver when she’d rather be the giver.) And then, if she’s making an obvious effort to do these things… Have sex for her.

Your partner should never force this on you, of course, but if you make a conscious decision to try to be aroused, two things are likely to happen.

You’ve already addressed one of them (feeling nothing during sex – even though my partner is the best I’ve ever had, it still occasionally happens that I’m completely unresponsive to her touch). The other possibility is that it will work, and you’ll start to slowly build your sex drive back up with her.

It’s going to take some time, and a lot of communication, but it’s worth every bit of effort if you want to get through this. The fact that you’ve reached out for help tells me a lot – obviously you want to work past this. There’s definitely not one solution that works for everyone, and even if a solution works for you this time it might not work the next time, but I’m sure you’ve heard it before – relationships take a lot of work!

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My Best Friend’s Ex Wants To Hang Out With Me? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, contact us.

Q: My Best Friend’s Ex Wants To Hang Out With Me?

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend split up with her ex a year ago and has moved on. But since then her ex and me keep running into each other. I really get on well with her, and want to grow the friendship – maybe even a little more.

But I also know she cheated on my ex, and really messed her around. What should I do? My other friend says to stay clear, but I can’t. We get on really well, and I know there is an attraction between us both. I can feel it.

What would you do? I don’t want to end up the bad guy, or a fool.

A: Personally, I’m friends with a few of my friends’ exes – but never anything more. Whether your friend still has feelings for her or not is a bit of a side note in my opinion; I have a philosophy to not “share” with family members – and I consider my best friends to be a part of my family.

You have been warned to stay clear of this ex, and you know that she has cheated and destroyed the relationship with the ex. It’s true that there are two sides to every story, but by the same token there are a few possible outcomes of this scenario:

  1. Your friend is wrong, and your relationship with her ex goes without problems – but your friendship with your best friend is strained because you went against her urging.
  2. Your friend is right, and this girl does you dirty like she did to your best friend – and you can’t really turn to your best friend for consolation because, well, she warned you fairly.
  3. You don’t pursue anything, and possibly stop talking to this girl – and you always wonder what could have been, but no one actually gets hurt.

You need to think strongly about which possibilities you’re willing to accept here. Nobody can really make that choice for you – but I recommend you don’t bother with this ex.

Does she know that you’re her ex’s best friend? Does she encourage the attraction? Are you even sure she feels the same way – or is there a possibility that she’s just trying to make your friend jealous in an attempt to get back with her?

In some cases, women may be intentionally manipulative in order to get what they want. We see it as a character flaw in others, but a strategy when we identify it within ourselves. This scenario has the possibility to be exactly that, and I would hate to know that you had been hurt by manipulation like that.

However, if you’re sure that things would be different with you, and you are willing to take the chance that you’re wrong, and you honestly think that you can (or maybe even do) love her… Sometimes relationships fail because the people were just wrong for each other. That doesn’t mean they can’t be right for someone else.

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Straight Guys Make Dating Profiles For Their Lesbian BFFs (No Really)

Creating your profile online profile can be a daunting task.  There are so many different ways you can describe yourself. It can be hard to know the best way to get people interested.


So hand over that task to you straight guy friend… watch and learn people, watch and learn.

30 Signs She’s Not Clingy, She’s Actually Crazily Obsessed With You

As we all know there’s a fine line between clingy and creepy.

But alas, we’ve all been there at one at one point in our lives. We’ve met someone who seems really nice. They’re nice to you. Kind. Thoughtful. BUT they’re a little too obsessed. That’s ok at the beginning. You accept she’s a little too emotional, a little too available and a little too all up in your business.

But for some reason (as much as we like complaining) we keep them around because who doesn’t love attention?

We facilitate the problem until we hit our breaking point. This isn’t health. This is clingy obsessive behavior.

So how do you make that distinction between creepy and clingy? Well…

1. She doesn’t just ask where you are; she tracks you down in a blind panic.

2. She doesn’t just take you to dinner; she orders for you.

3. She doesn’t just make out with you; she kisses you with her eyes wide open.

4. She doesn’t just see a future; she tries to move in with you within two weeks of dating.

5. She doesn’t just cry after sex; she showers twice.

6. She doesn’t just like cats; yet when she finds out you do, she gets one and names it after you.

7. She doesn’t ask about your feelings; she tries to dictate them.

8. She doesn’t just ask you on a second date; she asks what you’re doing for the month.

9. She doesn’t just want you to meet your parents; she insists you all FaceTime together.

10. She doesn’t ignore your past; she just adds all your exes on Facebook.

11. She doesn’t just follow your Instagram; she likes pictures 18 months old when you were with your ex.

12. She doesn’t just ask you out; she wants to make it official on Facebook.

13. She doesn’t just like your name; she tattoos it on herself.

14. She doesn’t ask to accompany you to plans; she demands you cancel to spend time exclusively with her.

15. She doesn’t think you mean it when you want to break up; she thinks you just mean you don’t want to hang out tonight.

16. She doesn’t just cook for you; she insists on feeding you.

17. She doesn’t write love notes; she smears it on the mirror with lipstick.

18. She doesn’t want to be your everything; she wants to be your only thing.

19. She never just texts; she only calls.

20. She doesn’t just check in; she leaves eight-minute voicemails.

21. She doesn’t just drunk dial you; she drunk cries you.

22. She doesn’t just spoon you; she spoon-feeds you.

23. She doesn’t sleep; she stares at you through the night – ensuring you wake up face-to-face.

24. She doesn’t just take selfies of you; she takes pictures of you when you don’t know it.

25. She doesn’t just complain about you clogging the drain with your hair; she actually collects it.

26. She doesn’t just stay over; she packs her bags and makes a drawer.

27. She doesn’t just like your friends; she calls them regularly.

28. She doesn’t ask your opinion; she needs it.

29. She doesn’t try and make you laugh; she tries to be a one-woman show.

30. She doesn’t respect your body; she demands ownership of it.


19 Things Lesbian Couples Will Know Only if they’ve Been Together For More Than 3 Years

1. You are no longer introduced as an individual. It’s always your name accompanied by your partners, and if she’s not there it still happens.

2. People confuse you for you partner all the time.


3. You no longer say ‘I’. It is now only ‘We’.


4. Most of your conversations involve the phrase “remember that time when we…”


5. You can be brutally honest with each other.


6. But you also know exactly how to compliment them.


7. And that’s because you’ve shared nearly every single thought and insecurity you’ve had over with them.


8. When someone asks you keep a secret, you assume telling your girlfriend doesn’t count.


9. You are totally comfortable sitting in silence together doing absolutely nothing.


10. Your girlfriend can make you belly-laugh like no one else.


11. It’s an unspoken rule that you hate all the same people.


12. You can always tell when they’re lying.


13. In fact you can NEARLY read their mind.


14. Over the years you’ve learnt all their favourite foods and when they’ll need them.


15. They have been there for you no matter what.


16. And they always seem to know what to say.


17. There are no boundaries in terms of personal space.


18. Or a conception of personal belongings.


19. You know you’ll be together for years to come.


15 Things You Should NEVER Say to Your Angry Girlfriend

1. “Stop being so dramatic.”

Oh, I’m sorry for having emotions.


2. “Why are you crying?”

Because you’re making me cry!


3. “I don’t understand why you’re so mad. It’s not a big deal.”

It may not be big to you, but it’s a big deal to me. If you were listening to what I was saying, you would understand.”


4. “Can you calm down?”

Really? Are you trying to piss me off even more?


5. “You’re overreacting.”

No, I’m not. You’re just being too dense and unresponsive.


6. “Let’s just kiss and make up, okay?”

No, it’s not that simple. Let’s talk about this like adults.


7. “Why are you so cranky?”

Why can’t you take a hint?


8. “Here we go again.”

Don’t give me that shit.


9. “It could be worse.”


10. “You’re so quiet. Say something!”

I’m quiet. I don’t want to say anything. Leave me alone.


11. “Oh, whatever!”

Immediately dismissive, and it infuriates me.


12. “What do you want me to do about it?”

Quiet a lot actually, but I know you’re not prepared to do anything because you don’t care. You’re so unreasonable.


13. “What’s Your Problem?”

My problem? Seriously, like you don’t know!


14. “Grow Up!”

Are you calling me an idiot?


15. “But”

No “buts”. Like I need to hear your side of thing.


So, stay calm. Keep looking her in the eyes with a calm expression and a disarming tone AND you can keep your “but” out of harms way, you can effectively cool her down when things get hot.