Tag Archives: Femme

7 Things We All Need to Stop Doing After Sex

Sex is weird. There’s pretty much no way around it. But you know what’s even more weird? That little period of time after you’ve both gotten off, but before you’ve done anything else. This time is particularly sensitive – especially since different women have different ideas of what should come after.

Do you cuddle? Only if your partner is into it. Do you leave? Only if your partner isn’t in it for the long haul. Do you change your relationship status on Facebook? Well… Probably not. (And please, no after-sex selfies, either.)

We have put together a list of the xx most common things that people do wrong after sex. Will you join me in pledging to put an end to these bad habits?


1.    Stop going to sleep right after.

Okay, I get it – sex makes you sleepy. But especially if your partner isn’t done yet, you shouldn’t be rolling over and catching some shut-eye right away. Those blissful minutes after climax are wasted, because you’re not basking in the afterglow of the shared moments – you’re basking in the sound of your partner’s gentle snoring.

Even if you’re not looking for multiple climaxes, it’s worth it to stay up for a while after sex. Whether you spend the time talking, cuddling, or engaging in round two is pretty much up to the two of you, but sleep shouldn’t be on the menu – at least not most of the time.


2.    Stop rushing for the bathroom.

Sex, when done properly, can be a messy experience. I get that, too. Sometimes we’re so done with sex that all we can think about is peeing and wiping ourselves up. (By the way, if you’re not using the restroom after penetrative sex, you could be setting yourself up for a UTI – not fun.)

When we make way for the bathroom, the message we’re sending to our partner is that a) we come first, and b) sex is done because we’re done. Neither of these messages is very loving. Instead of rushing off to the bathroom to make sure you can wash up first, take a little time to see if you’ll be giving round two a shot – sometimes it’s worth it!


3.    Stop picking up your phone afterwards.

I am so guilty of grabbing my tablet after sex and going to play a game for a few minutes. It feels like your brain needs time to de-fuzz-ify and a quick text message, Temple Run game, or a scroll through Facebook seems like just the ticket.

On the other side of things, I do know how this comes across to my partner. If the first thing you do after sex is switch your attention to something else, it might make your partner question whether your mind was really in it at all – which is not a sexy feeling. The Wi-Fi will still be there after you’ve decompressed – give your partner a fair amount of time.


4.    Stop going back to work right after.

I’ll admit that I’m strongly drawn to the idea of a before-work (or work-break) quickie. This seems to be especially true when I’m looking for new sex positions to post to the site. I get so wrapped up in the magic of the quickie that I’m refreshed and ready to get back to work right away. If you had time to have sex, you’ve got a few minutes to show your partner you cherish her – be fair!

Even in a committed relationship, doing this repeatedly can make your partner feel like you’re just using her. Of course we know that’s not the case, but your girlfriend can’t see into your mind – she only knows the messages you lay out in the open. And the message you’re saying when you go right back to work is “I got what I wanted – now I’m leaving you again.”


5.    Stop sleeping in the other room.

I used to be in an on-again, off-again relationship. Truthfully, even when we were “off”, we still had the most mind-blowing sex I’d ever had. (Current partner is better, but just slightly – I think it’s because she treats me better.) The thing that pissed me off the most about the situation was that she’d go sleep out on the couch when we were done. After all, in her mind I was “still an ex”, and you don’t sleep in your ex’s bed… Right?

But from my end, it sent a message that I was only good for one thing – and that’s something that can carry through even if you aren’t “separated but still sleeping together”. If you show your partner that you don’t want to stick around after, she’s going to get the message that all you’re after is the sex. Don’t make her feel like that – especially if you love her. No matter what your sleeping arrangements are the rest of the time, you should sleep together after you sleep together. It’s just common courtesy.


6.    Stop letting the kids (or fur babies) in the bed right after.

My puppy is a bit of a pervert. We stick her in a kennel when we’re getting intimate, because if we don’t, she’ll try to join in. (We often joke that she’s our “side chick”, but really, bestiality is gross, please don’t do it.) However, being in the kennel makes her cry – so we let her out as soon as the pants are back on.

The only problem with this (or, if you have human children) is that it destroys the sexual sanctuary. Sure, your bed might be primarily for sleeping, but during that time after you’ve had sex, your bed should be a sacred place for you and your partner. Your own timelines might vary, but generally speaking, if you’re still flushed, it’s definitely too soon!


7.    Stop eating after. (Like… Really. Stop.)

This is another one I’m guilty of. Sex works up quite an appetite sometimes, even if you’ve eaten some sexy foods just before (or during!) the intimate act itself. But when you go into the kitchen right afterward and immediately whip up a sandwich, it pretty much ruins the passion and guarantees that you won’t be going for round two.

Yes, refilling your calories after sex is important – but a bottle of water or a Gatorade will actually help refresh you more than food will right then. Not only that, but it will keep you from breaking your “sex focus” – whereas cooking, assembling, or otherwise preparing a meal or snack can be disastrous to the overall mood.

Is Shower Sex Totally Over-Rated?

Shower sex. It’s mysterious, sexy, and generally a fantasy among women. There’s something sexy about the idea of getting dirty in a place you usually get clean – which makes it a very subtle taboo. Plus, with slippery soap, sensual scents, and wet, naked bodies – it’s easy to see how it can be an attractive idea.

But does the experience of shower sex live up to the hype?

Of course, that will depend on your own personal preferences. Not everyone likes the same things, and something that would be a deal-breaker for me could be a turn-on for you. I don’t know your life!

Check out the following list and see if shower sex is worth it to you:


Water in your nose.

I don’t know about you, but I hate the feeling of water in my nose. I plug my nose getting into a swimming pool, going under in the bath tub, and yeah – when I’m rinsing my face. I’ve got a very sensitive nose canal, and water in there just drives me up the wall.

If you don’t have a sensitive nose, maybe it’s not a big deal to you. Or maybe if you invest in little nose plugs – I could see that being a thing!


Massaging shower wand.

At the risk of sounding like a total creep here, most women have “experimented” with the shower wand at least once in their lives. And if you haven’t, you probably should – it’s an experience that’s pretty much unmatched by anything else. Shower sex is pretty much the only chance you’ll have to use that massaging showerhead on someone other than yourself – and if your partner hasn’t played with it herself, she’s in for a real treat!

If you don’t have a massaging shower wand, get one. Aside from being a great way to “release tension” on occasion, they can help work out minor knots and kinks in your back. They probably won’t help with tangled hair (especially if your water pressure is high) but the warm water can really do wonders.


Limited space.

Many showers aren’t much bigger than the front seat of a car – which is not a lot of room to work with, and if either you or your partner is claustrophobic, adding a second person into that space can cause some tension.

If neither of you is claustrophobic, though, or you have a nice, spacious (non-public) shower area to work with, the confinement might add a similar allure as getting it on in a supply closet – now who hasn’t had that fantasy before?


Steam.

If you and your partner both like nice, hot, steamy showers, trust me – there’s a reason people refer to sex scenes as steamy. The hot water and resulting steam (as long as it’s not hot enough to burn you!) adds a sexy, mysterious element to your escapades. There’s something magical about the hazy look.

Please, please make sure that the water isn’t hot enough to burn either of you, though. Sex burns are not fun, and if they require medical treatment, they can be pretty awkward to explain.


Slippery textures.

Oil wrestling. Satin sheets. Jell-o wrestling. Latex body paint. Mud wrestling. Personal lubricants. What do they all have in common? They’ve all got slippery textures and are incredibly sexy. This isn’t a coincidence, either. Slick and slippery textures directly relate to arousal. In the shower, there are plenty of slippery opportunities – soapy lather on her breasts, the wetness between both your legs…

But be careful of the other slippery textures involved with shower sex. When the soap you’ve been rubbing each other down with makes its way to the floor, there will be an implied risk of slipping and falling. I’ve found that conditioner and hair treatments are especially guilty of this. Most people will be able to stop themselves from falling, but once your legs are weak, all bets are off!


Lack of safety support.

Generally speaking, showers aren’t designed to keep you from falling. There are adjustments that can be made – safety rails, walk-out doors, little rubber floor pads – to help minimize the safety risks, but showers aren’t a very safe place to have sex.

If you’re going to be attempting sex in the shower, it’s best if you make sure you’ve got at least the most basic safety precautions in mind. I’d advise the grips for the floor of the tub, and shower doors – not a shower curtain. (If you’ve ever tried to catch yourself on a shower curtain, you’ll no doubt know that they will not hold your weight – a door stands a chance.)


Excitement out of the bedroom.

I think one of the biggest pulls of shower sex is that it’s a pleasure you can enjoy outside of the bedroom. Many women are aroused by the idea of having sex in new and exciting places, and the first time anywhere new is the best. If you (or your partner) falls in this category, it’s definitely worth having shower sex at least once. You might find out you like it more than bed sex!

But if you’re satisfied with the sex you’re already having, shower sex doesn’t provide any solid benefits over having sex in other places. It’s dangerous and awkward, and it can be tough to find the right angles to get the job done. For me, it’s not really worth it most of the time – but there are always exceptions.


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My Girlfriend Doesn’t Believe in Marriage

Dear KitschMix,

My girlfriend is 31, I’m 28 and we’ve been dating for 5 years, have been living together for 3. We’re both committed to each other and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody else.

Here’s our problem know, she doesn’t “believe” in gay marriage. As in she doesn’t see why it’s a thing. She thinks it’s stupid that a piece of paper and a public ceremony can define love and commitment. I on the other hand do “believe” in marriage. I agree that a piece of paper is just a technicality, but I want to be her fiancé, to be her wife someday and call her my wife. She thinks it’s stupid.

Whenever we talk about this, we get in a huge fight. I get too defensive which makes her sarcastic, which makes me more defensive and it’s a cycle. I tried bringing up that if we do get married, we get tax benefits but she pointed out that it’s BS reasoning because she did the math and we actually save a few hundred dollars on taxes by not getting married. I thought maybe it’s because she’s not committed to me, but we’re going to start the process of having kids in a few months.

It’s like she makes me feel bad for wanting to get married. I feel stupid for wanting this. I don’t know why it matters so much to me, or even how to talk to her about this when all that happens is me getting my feelings hurt and her being sarcastic.

Well, reader, I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear right now but… Not everyone believes in marriage. They might change their mind eventually, but they might not – and pushing the issue isn’t likely to change anything.

I’m inclined to agree with your partner about it being a technicality. It’s a technicality with a lot of expectations – most of which apply when you have a kid together, too (especially if you go through the trouble of making sure the child legally “belongs to” both of you). Don’t get me wrong – I am engaged. But I don’t think I would mind so much if the wedding never came. The marriage can end, just like the relationship without the marriage can end. Sure, there’s a couple extra steps involved, but if a little extra work is the only thing stopping me from leaving my partner – yes, I’m still going to leave.

Believe it or not, this is a romantic idea, though. If you think about it, she’s basically telling you that she doesn’t want to feel like she has to stay just because of a piece of paper. On the other hand, she probably sees your position as you needing a contract to prove she loves you. Both seem petty to the other side, but it’s just a matter of personal preference.

She’s right about the tax thing, too. In most cases, getting married isn’t going to help you out on taxes overall. The partner who’s making more money now might have a lower tax responsibility, as it balances out with the person who’s making less. But the partner who’s making less will have a higher tax responsibility because it’s assumed that half of her partner’s assets are hers, too. Unless you’re both well-established already, tax benefits from marriage are non-existent.

If you’re going to have any chance of changing her mind (not that I’m recommending you push the issue – obviously it’s not yielding the best results so far), you’re going to have to rely on the facts that matter to her – not the ones that matter to you. For example, if one of you will be the biological mother of the child, the adoption process is worlds easier if you two are married – many places will allow the married partner to be automatically listed as the “second parent” on the child’s birth certificate.

Without this (or in places where second parent recognition is not listed on the birth certificate), you may have to fight for years to get the official status as a parent – during which time, the biological parent will have the primary legal authority over the child. In most situations, a divorce alone will not be enough to take the parental status away.

Or, maybe insurance is the topic that will appeal to her. In most cases, insurance companies will not recognize an unmarried partner. There are some insurance companies that allow for unmarried partners to be beneficiaries or dependents, but it’s not legally required for them to do this. They are, however, usually required to acknowledge legally-married spouses.

Personally, I don’t think the issue of marriage should ever be forced. I have some friends who have been with their partner for over twenty years, who are not legally married – and some who have been divorced multiple times. There’s nothing automatically wrong with either situation, it’s largely a matter of personal preference.

Some people want to get married – and they have every right to get married one day.

Some people don’t want to get married – and they have every right to not get married.

Sometimes this means that the two people won’t be together in the long run – and that’s not automatically a bad thing, either. Other times, one of the two will end up changing their mind. If the two of you take the focus off the idea of whether or not there’s an eventual wedding, you can see where time takes you – and see if it’s even an important issue to fight about.


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Science Says This One Thing Will Make Or Break Your Relationship

As some of will testify too, long-term relationships are hard work.

But, it would seem science as found the key component for longevity in a relationship, and aapparently there is one trait that can help or hinder your relationship in a major way.

p.s. it’s not sex.

John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington and the founder of The Gottman Institute, told Business Insider the fate of a relationship lies in the way we argue.

Quick question: when your partner makes a mistake, do you let the anger pass and eventually realize they had no intention of causing harm? Or do you stew in your anger and let it alter your opinion of that person?

If you see yourself choosing the latter, you may experience some trouble keeping your relationship in tact due to a familiar cocktail of anger and disgust called contempt.

And according toGottman, contempt is the kiss of death in any relationship

He claimed contempt can cause you to see your partner as beneath you.

Along with the help of University of California, Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson, Gottman is apparently able to predict divorce with 93% accuracy, thanks (or no thanks?) to the presence of contempt.

The percentage resulted from a 14-year study of 79 Midwestern couples published in 2002. Over the course of the study, 21 of the participating couples divorced.

Moral of the story: before you hit the rage button over your partner, remember you chose to be in this relationship for a reason. Everyone makes mistakes. Let’s focus on our partners’ strengths and keep contempt out of the equation.


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What Your Zodiac Sign Says About the Way You Flirt

Ladies, let’s face it: Not all of us are flirty. In fact, some of us are so bad at it that it would be funny, if it weren’t for the fact that it means we’re forever alone. Is there anything you can do to fix it? Well – maybe!

There’s a chance that you’re just not using the right flirting style for your sign!

Not everyone flirts exactly the same way. This can get complicated if we put too much pressure on ourselves – we might end up thinking that the only “right” way to flirt is the way that “everyone else does it”. But that’s not necessarily the case – lucky you!

So, how should you be flirting? Check our handy little guide to find out!


Aries

Aries women work best when they’re flirting directly. They enjoy a challenge, and they shouldn’t be afraid to approach a new flirtationship in a sexy, competitive way. These women don’t mind pursuing a woman who meets their expectations, but they won’t (and shouldn’t!) chase forever. When an Aries woman flirts with another Aries, the sexual tension may flow freely – but that isn’t usually enough to nurture a long-term relationship. Some women may find Aries’ approach brash and aggressive – which may be a good thing (such as with other Aries women) or it could be a bad thing (such as with Taurus, Cancer, and Scorpio women).

Great Matches: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius

Good Matches: Aries, Libra, Capricorn

Bad Matches: Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio


Taurus

Taurus women prefer their flirting sweet, but physically affectionate. Something like fingers brushed across an arm can have a powerfully magnetic effect – which plays well into Taurus’ overall magnetic charm. These women are patient and charismatic with their partners. This combination comes in handy when there is a perceived rival, competing for their boo’s attention. They can quickly rise up and take control of the situation, and then drift back toward subtle, sweet signs of affection, just in time to sweep their intended partner off her feet.

Great Matches: Capricorn, Libra, Cancer

Good Matches: Scorpio, Aries, Virgo

Bad Matches: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius


Gemini

Gemini women don’t mess around when it comes to flirting. They have no time for subtlety, so they’d rather their flirting be right out in the open. More than just that, they tend to value an intelligent conversation – so much so that they may put off their need for physical attention until a new partner has demonstrated the ability to challenge their mind, as well. One of their preferred techniques is their smooth talking – if they can surround you with witty, sensual energy (and have it returned!), things will remain charged and the flirtationship will stay strong.

Great Matches: Aquarius, Libra, Aries

Good Matches: Leo, Virgo, Scorpio

Bad Matches: Pisces, Taurus, Cancer


Cancer

Cancer women work best when their flirting is direct and complimentary. They often come across as shy, but the truth is they’re just trying to make sure they’re not wasting their time. They would rather share a casual conversation and a smile than get into anything too deep right away. They love asking questions and cracking jokes, which is usually a good thing, although some signs are annoyed by this. They’d rather keep their romance for long-term partners, though – none of that “instant wife status” here!

Great Matches: Taurus, Virgo, Pisces

Good Matches: Leo, Capricorn

Bad Matches: Gemini, Sagittarius, Aquarius


Leo

Leo women tend to wear their heart on their sleeve, and will greatly prefer a long-term relationship over a casual encounter or flirtationship. They are entertaining and talkative, which helps them blend in with any crowd – but they’d rather be someone’s one-and-only. They don’t usually have troubles finding a partner, since they are alluring and tend to attract a lot of attention (which they definitely enjoy!). However, they shy away from the idea of casual arrangements – if you aren’t looking for something real, don’t bother chasing a Leo!

Great Matches: Gemini, Libra, Aries

Good Matches: Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio

Bad Matches: Pisces, Taurus, Capricorn


Virgo

Virgos are one of the most mysterious signs. They tend to be reserved with their flirting, and would rather communicate through body language than talking most of the time. That’s not to say they won’t open up to the right person – but they don’t open up to just anyone. The partner they choose will be intelligent, sensual, and willing to work for it. Even though Virgo women don’t mind the work necessary to keep a romantic relationship afloat, they’re not likely to patiently wait for their boo to make up her mind. She also isn’t likely to invite someone into her bed unless there’s an emotional connection, so make sure you woo her before you try to climb in her pants!

Great Matches: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn

Good Matches: Aquarius, Gemini, Scorpio

Bad Matches: Libra, Sagittarius, Aries


Libra

Libra women avoid mixed signals if possible – whether they’re giving or receiving the attention. They would prefer their prospects flirt directly with them, and treat them right. Some Libra women prefer to wait for the other person to make a move, while others will gladly step up to the plate and ask their love interest out. They’re usually decidedly looking either for a casual relationship or something serious – never both.

Great Matches: Gemini, Leo, Aquarius

Good Matches: Taurus, Libra, Aries

Bad Matches: Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn


Scorpio

Scorpio women like their flirting cunning and powerful. They enjoy the chase, and will often do whatever it takes to make sure their prospect takes the bait. It’s a game to itself for the tricky Scorpio. Their romance is fiery and intense, but can be a bit rocky if the Scorpio isn’t strategic in her moves. With proper care and planning, they can captivate their new interest without any words or noticeable body language – truly, they are the masters of flirting.

Great Matches: Pisces, Cancer, Capricorn

Good Matches: Taurus, Sagittarius, Aries

Bad Matches: Gemini, Leo, Libra


Sagittarius

Sagittarius women are carefree and somewhat impulsive with their flirting. They tend to be playful and philosophical, which attracts partners of similar personalities. They are irresistible, and they live for adventure and excitement. They are direct with their flirting, almost to a fault, and they have a tendency to stay emotionally detached, despite making others fall in love with them with minimal effort.

Great Matches: Libra, Gemini, Leo

Good Matches: Sagittarius, Scorpio

Bad Matches: Cancer, Virgo, Pisces


Capricorn

Capricorn women are calm and direct with their flirting. They would greatly prefer honesty and intellect over any shallow criteria. They don’t like to waste their time with people who don’t know what they want, and they’re likely to move on quickly if they think the person can’t make up their mind. They tend to attract the wrong people sometimes, and they care just as much about home and social life as they do about deeper subjects such as accomplishments and life goals.

Great Matches: Taurus, Scorpio, Virgo

Good Matches: Aries, Cancer, Libra

Bad Matches: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius


Aquarius

Aquarius women are charismatic and unique, which shows through extra when they’re flirting. Their flirtationships often rely on body language and mental stimulation to help them decide who to pursue. Despite being unique, they are not socially awkward, which means they can blend into most situations and absorb the energy around them. They are trustworthy and passionate, and they tend to not sugarcoat things.

Great Matches: Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius

Good Matches: Scorpio, Pisces, Leo

Bad Matches: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo


Pisces

Pisces women are sensitive and magical when they flirt. These qualities make them powerful and mysterious, although they tend to be shy at first. Once they decide to trust and open up to a person, they are insightful and nurturing, and they draw people in with their intelligence. They are generally able to read a person’s intent after only a short time, and quickly decide whether they will open up or not. They tend to be imaginative and intuitive, which is either a great turn-on or a huge turn-off, depending on the sign of the prospect.

Great Matches: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn

Good Matches: Aquarius, Taurus, Libra

Bad Matches: Leo, Gemini, Virgo

 

I’m in Love with a Married Woman, and She Says She Loves Me Too, But…

Dear KitschMix,

I identify as a lesbian, and I have a very complicated relationship with another woman. I am separated and have 2 kids from a previous relationship, but the woman I’m seeing actually has a long-term partner, and they got married when we’re still together.

Our relationship is a secret, and she always says to me I’m the one she really loves, and I do really love her, despite all the complications.

I will still continue to love her, because she promised to me I’m the one who she’s going to grow old with. Is it possible for us to be with each other? Should I continue this relationship?

Hello reader, and thank you for writing in! This situation is probably incredibly painful for you. Personally, I would never get involved with someone who had a long-term partner, but if all parties involved know about the situation, there may be some exceptions. Some people are able to have happy, healthy polyamorous relationships. (I just know I’m not one of them.)

That being said… Your relationship with this woman is a secret, and she has married someone else while you two were together. That tells me she’s dishonest, at best, and manipulative at worst. She tells you she loves you, and then she marries someone else – who has no clue about you, I’m guessing. This isn’t love – this is her using you because she knows you’ll stick around.

The hard part here is that it’s entirely possible the two of you are perfect for each other – or at least you would be, if she was telling the truth. But she doesn’t love you enough to not marry someone else, or to tell her other partner about you… It all sounds really sketchy to me.

Love is complicated, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer that will work in every situation. If you don’t mind being kept a secret, and knowing that your love is cheating on her husband or wife with you, you two might get along well and stay together. But you’ll always have that doubt in the back of your mind, telling you that she cheated before, and she may cheat again.

Of course, the old saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is basically a lie, or at the very least, a generalization. But whether it actually happens or not, will you be able to live with wondering?

I understand it can be extra complicated, since I gather that you are still legally married (but no longer romantically linked) to your ex. But there’s a huge difference between “dancing with divorce” and “marrying someone and telling someone else you love them more”. If she really loves you, she doesn’t necessarily have to come out on your behalf, but she shouldn’t be playing games with you.

If you want to make things work with her, it’s in your best interest to let her know that you don’t want to be her “mistress” – unless her other partner knows and agrees to it. Even though it may seem like an open relationship is the same as an unfaithful one, the difference lies in the honesty. Not everyone needs to know your business, but no one deserves to be lied to.

Practically speaking (and again, I don’t know your exact situation), I would run far away from this woman. Maybe she’s just not sure about what she wants – and she should feel free to find you in the future, when she makes up her mind. But while she continues to put you in second place, she doesn’t deserve your loyalty.


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I’m Struggling To Fit In

Dear KitschMix,

I know there are lots of ways to present ourselves externally, but I feel like I don’t fit into the queer community because I don’t dress the part.

I dress in a way that’s casual yet feminine way. I don’t have any visible tattoos, and only have my ears pierced. I don’t have the ‘cool’ factor and I feel like I don’t fit into the queer community… like people would look at me and wonder what I’m doing at certain events.

My sexual orientation is very confusing for a lot of people and my sister flat out said that it’s hard for people to tell if I’m gay or straight, so it’s not even like I give off a ‘straight’ vibe, it’s more like people are unsure about where I stand.

So, I’m just curious about others like me. Is it important to fit for me to fit in with the queer community? Do I need to participate in queer-based activities to be gay? Or is it ok to do my own thing?

I find myself falling in pretty much the same category as you do in terms of fashion. I’m not unfashionable or masculine, but I’m not high fashion or feminine either. I prefer sweat pants or jeans over skirts most of the time, and I’d rather wear a tank top than a blouse. Still, none of this makes me “look gay” – and it took me a long time to be OK with that.

The truth is, clothes don’t really say much about your sexuality anyway. There are a lot of stereotypes associated with our appearance, but in practical use, those stereotypes aren’t worth very much. Unless you get a rainbow tattoo on your arm that says “#1 Lesbian” – none of the stuff you described would give your sexuality away anyway – and that’s probably a good thing!

As far as fitting in with the queer community… I don’t think anyone really fits in. We just find some people we get along with, and the more we hang out with them, the more similar we become. I don’t think it’s specific to any circle – it’s actually been said that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. While it was originally said in a much different context, I think it holds true for most of our life.

There’s not really such a thing as “queer-based activities”, either. There are activities that a number of queer people participate in, but that’s more a matter of personal preference. I think it’s most important that you find activities you enjoy, and don’t worry about making sure that they’re “gay activities”. Be yourself, and let people get to know the real you!

(Besides, unless you’re sleeping with them, it shouldn’t matter to them who you’re sleeping with – or thinking about!)


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32 Thoughts Every Woman Has During Mind-Blowing Sex

Not all sexual adventures are great, and in a way, that’s OK. If you haven’t had bad sex, you won’t fully appreciate good sex – and if the bad sex comes after you’ve only had good sex your whole life, you’re not likely to appreciate mediocre sex in the future, when you know you could have better. Sure, sex shouldn’t be the most important thing in your life (or your relationship), but the fact is, while you’re having sex, it’s pretty much the most important thing.

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I’ve had a fair amount of sex in my life. Some has been good, some has been just OK, and some has been downright horrible. (I even had one person bite me down there – like, really hard. Maybe some people are into that, but I am definitely not. Keep the teeth away!)

But what goes through your mind when you’re having wonderful, passionate, mind-blowing sex?


1. Oh my god – she gets it.


2. I don’t have to tell her what to do!


3. Should I tell her she’s doing a good job, or does she know?


4. Oh, she definitely knows.


5. This is awesome.


6. Is it normal to have an out-of-body experience while being f*cked?


7. Why did I ever settle for less?!


8. Oh yes – right there.


9. Should I scratch her back?


10. I should definitely scratch her back.


11. Oh my god.


12. Am I moaning too loud?


13. Oh, who cares – this feels incredible.


14. I wonder if she likes dirty talk.


15. I hope she doesn’t want me to return the favor right away.


16. I don’t think I can walk.


17. I don’t think I’ll ever leave this bed.


18. This is great.


19. What is she doing?!


20. I need to learn how to do that.


21. Her tongue must be magic.


22. Her tongue is definitely magic.


23. Oh my god!!


24. What was her name again?


25. Better yet, what was my name again?


26. If we break up, I’ll never have sex this good again.


27. Note to self: Keep this woman happy.


28. Like, really happy.


29. Oh my god – I’m almost there!


30. It feels like these waves are never going to end…


31. Round two already?


32. Don’t mind if I do!


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11 Types of Orgasms a Woman Can Have

Most of us enjoy having orgasms. It’s pretty much a basic human instinct, actually, and unless there’s something else weighing on your mind, it’s pretty much guaranteed that orgasm = good.

But what if I told you that you weren’t having the variety of orgasms that you could be having?

Many women mistakenly believe that there are four types of sexual climax for women. There’s vaginal, clitoral, mental, and the G-spot orgasm (which, contrary to what you might have heard, is definitely not a myth). Some lucky women know about an elusive fifth too: The breast orgasm. (I have yet to experience that one for myself, but apparently it is a real thing.)

But what if I told you there were actually eleven different types of orgasm you can have – and I could walk you through the ways to get the best out of them? I haven’t gone through them all personally, but Monica from Monica’s Box helped to lay out the basics of the 11 types. How many have you had – and how many would you like to try?


1. The Clitoral Orgasm

This is one of the most common for women to experience, and since the clitoris is the most sensitive spot of the average female body (your experience may vary) it’s understandably intense. The nerve endings located here spread through the entire body, so a clitoral orgasm can cause intense sensations in completely unrelated areas!

Of course, since not all women are the same, the efforts necessary to have this type of orgasm will understandably vary. Some women like very light, indirect stimulation (such as through the clitoral hood, or through their underwear material). Other women like it a bit firmer, and with direct contact. Be sure to check with your partner to see what she likes – after all, that’s what’s important here! – and urge her to do the same with you.

For most women, oral sex is the easiest way to have a clitoral orgasm. After all, with a little communication, you should be able to tell your partner exactly what you want, and allow her to take you to heaven. If she’s not good – teach her! Most likely, she’ll be an eager learner.

You can stimulate the clitoris with your fingers, as well, or with a vibrator. Make sure you communicate throughout the entire process, especially since the clitoris is often extra sensitive after this type of orgasm (sometimes to the point of being painful). If it becomes painful before an orgasm is had, it’s best to try to lubricate the area more thoroughly, and/or use a lighter touch.

Clitoral orgasms are intense, but many women report them being “less deep” than other types of orgasms. (That’s not to say that it’s not a highly enjoyable process, though, especially when combined with other types of orgasms as well.)


2. The Vaginal Orgasm

Vaginal orgasms are often less intense than clitoral orgasms, but deeper and more full of pressure. They will vary from woman to woman (as most things do), but generally they are seen as a positive thing.

Some women say that their vaginal orgasms stay fairly centrally located in the pelvic region, while other women report that this type of orgasm spreads to other parts of the body. Vaginal orgasms generally take longer than clitoral orgasms, but can cause contractions strong enough to expel anything that was in the vagina when the orgasm started.

The easiest way to have a vaginal orgasm is with rhythmic thrusting, whether with your fingers or a toy. You should vary pressure and speed as necessary (in response to your partner’s communication and/or body language) and expect to stay at it for 20-30 minutes before she reaches climax.


3. The G-Spot Orgasm

While there’s been a lot of debate about the G-Spot (whether it exists, where exactly it is, and so on…) it is definitely a real thing, and if you’ve penetrated your partner with your fingers, you’ve probably felt it. It’s about 2-3 inches into the vagina and feels a bit spongier than the rest. Somewhat surprisingly, during female arousal, this area becomes engorged with blood and prostatic fluid, causing a type of internal erection. (Yep, not just your clit gets erect!)

For some women, a G-Spot orgasm stays planted right around the G-Spot, while others say that it spreads and “explodes” throughout the entire body. It’s definitely different from woman to woman, in other words, but it’s pretty much always going to feel good.

The best (and easiest) way to have a G-Spot orgasm is with rhythmic circling and pressure. Unlike a vaginal orgasm, which relies on thrusting, you stimulate the G-Spot by pressing and rubbing – closer to a clitoral orgasm. It’s often easier with your fingers, although there are toys designed specifically for G-Spot stimulation. It might be easier to reach it from behind, but with the right toy, you can get it no matter which angle you’re in.

This is one of the longer-to-mature orgasms on our list, taking around 20-30 minutes for most women. It can potentially combine with vaginal and squirting orgasms (see below) without any extra work on your part, but for best results, you shouldn’t focus too hard on multi-tasking. Monica refers to the G-Spot orgasm as the “leg shaker”, for its ability to crash the entire body and put the receiver’s mind in another place.


4. The Squirting Orgasm

Not all women are able to have a squirting orgasm, and truth be told, there’s still some debate among those who have. Some women may be deeply embarrassed by this type of orgasm, since it is preceded by a strong urge to pee. In fact, it’s not entirely clear whether it’s pee or another fluid coming from down there – more research needs to be done, and I’m counting on you guys to help with that!

One of the reasons that a squirting orgasm is so satisfying to women is that it creates a deep bond between the partners – you must be pretty comfortable with each other if you press on when it feels like you’re about to wet yourself. Monica says that it helps to release negative energy and gives a sense of peace. I’ve never experienced one myself, but I have had partners who did.

The verdict’s still out on the specifics of female ejaculation, but aren’t you a little curious to find out for yourself? Luckily, the concept itself isn’t that difficult to try. Usually, squirting orgasms come from G-Spot stimulation – and that’s always a fun place to explore!


5. The A-Spot Orgasm

I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t just add -spot after a letter and call it an orgasm.” At least, that’s what I was thinking. But it turns out, the A-Spot refers to the Anterior Fornix, and it’s responsible for a number of women’s ability to have multiple orgasms. (Note: The A-Spot is not the only way to have multiple orgasms, but unlike some other erogenous zones, this area doesn’t become more sensitive after orgasm, which allows you to continue to build.)

The A-Spot is on the same vaginal wall that the G-Spot is, but about 2-3 inches deeper. Not all women enjoy A-Spot stimulation, so keep this in mind when you’re trying it out on your partner. For those who do enjoy it, this stimulation lends itself well to continuing after climax – and we all know that the second orgasm is usually stronger than the first one.

This orgasm comes from short, deep thrusting. If you are using your fingers, a scooping motion can help this one along. The process is essentially the same as with a G-Spot orgasm, only in a different place.

Women who enjoy A-Spot orgasms say that it brings a very sudden climax. The feeling varies, with similarities to a G-Spot orgasm as well as a vaginal orgasm. Most women say that it gives them an electric feeling that is definitely pleasurable.


6. The Deep Spot Orgasm

Yep, there’s another spot you might not have heard of – the deep spot. The medical name for this spot is the Posterior Fornix. As you may have guessed by the name, this spot is the deepest – being located right before the entry to the cervix. While not everyone enjoys the feeling it gives them, women who do like this area stimulated says it causes very deep, intense orgasms. It may even feel like she’s being anally penetrated – without the stigmas associated with anal sex (which shouldn’t really be there, anyway).

This type of orgasm is best reached with the hand. (This spot is further in than your fingers will be able to reach.) To stimulate the area, you’ll want to make a “come here” motion with your fingers. Start slow, since many women are not used to this type of stimulation. Alternate between long and short strokes, and see how your partner responds.


7. The U-Spot Orgasm

Just in case you thought that was all there was to know about the female anatomy, there’s another sensitive spot. This refers to a very small bit of erectile tissue between the urethra and the vagina. Gentle stimulation is all you need – the response will be quite charged. I find that it’s easiest if you use your tongue, but you can also use the tip of a toy or your finger.


8. The Nipple/Breast Orgasm

Not all women have breasts sensitive enough to climax, but for those who do, it comes from the nerves that the nipples and the clitoris share. These nerves are connected, so for many women, stimulating one directly will also indirectly stimulate the other. A smaller number of these women feel the stimulation so deeply that it can actually result in a full orgasm.


9. The Mouth Orgasm

It might sound strange, but think about it: When you are using your mouth on your partner (in any way), it usually turns you on. It makes sense, then, that further stimulation to your mouth has the potential to lead to an orgasm. Not all women are able to experience this, of course, but the ones who do typically say it starts at the lips and then spreads out to the rest of the body.


10. The Skin Orgasm

The skin is a mysterious part of the sexual nervous system, because it’s not often we associate it with sex in particular. I can’t speak for everyone here, but most of my sexual encounters have involved a great deal of clothing staying on – less skin-to-skin contact. That being said, stimulation of parts of the body that aren’t inherently sexual can result in an orgasm, especially when it’s skin-to-skin with someone you’re emotionally attached to. This orgasm is best reached by sensual massage, although some women can get there through naked cuddling, too.


11. The Mental Orgasm

Those with a particularly strong imagination are the most likely to have mental orgasms. These come from auditory and visual cues sent to our brains that tell us to be aroused. This explains women who get sexual gratification from watching or hearing other people having sex. Most women will find these things arousing (if the variables are right), but some women have enough sensitivity that they can have a full-blown orgasm without any direct stimulation.

To see if you’re sensitive enough to have a full mental orgasm, try laying down and putting on a porn – or just keep the room quiet. Concentrate on thinking about having sexual favors performed on you, but don’t touch! Let your mind lead the way, and envision your deepest fantasies. Flex your kegel muscles and picture everything you desire. Try to resist the urge to help things along, and you should be pleased with the end results!

#FingersInTheBooty: 9 Reasons Anal Isn’t As Bad As You Think

Many women have a hard time getting comfortable with the idea of anal sex. And for good reason, too – it’s actually pretty uncomfortable, by basically every definition of the word. For a long time, I was completely opposed to the idea – don’t even bring it up!

Whatever your reason for not wanting to try anal sex, I definitely feel you. But I’d like to be the first one to reassure you, these fears are not some unavoidable destiny set to befall you should you ever decide to give it a shot. With the right partner and some simple preparation, it’s really not that bad.

(We encourage our readers to practice safer sex, especially with anal play.)


If you’re uncomfortable receiving…

I understand. Really, I do. It can be incredibly painful if the partner giving it to you isn’t super careful. It has a potential to be a messy and embarrassing experience, and it’s easy to psych ourselves out and assume that the worst is going to happen. But if you’re really curious, it can be helpful to know that there are a few things you can do to have a better experience.


“I’m afraid it will hurt.”

You’re right – anal sex has a potential to be very painful. But with good communication between both partners, it really doesn’t have to. There are a few tricks to make it hurt less, especially if it’s your first time.

Make sure the area is thoroughly lubricated. You can use natural or synthetic lubricants – just make sure you don’t go back and forth between the anus and the vagina without washing your hands or changing your barrier. There are many lubricants specifically created for use in the anus, but generally speaking, anything that doesn’t have flavorings or warmers in it will work fine. (Trust me – using a warming lubricant inside your bum is going to hurt worse than whatever the lube is slathered on.)

Start slow. Your body is understandably going to need time to adjust to the new sensations. If you and your partner are comfortable with the idea, consider trying analingus first. Many women are uncomfortable with this idea, but my partner loves it – and it’s the only anal play that I personally enjoy receiving.

If you follow these tips and it still hurts, say something! If you trust your partner, you should trust that if you tell her it’s hurting you, she’ll stop. (And if you can’t trust her to stop – you shouldn’t be having any kind of sex with her.)


“I’m afraid it will bleed.”

There is definitely a chance of bleeding with anal sex, particularly the first few times. With a few precautions, you might be able to prevent most of the problems associated with this bleeding.

Start small. I would never recommend jumping into anal penetration with toys unless you have already been penetrated by a finger back there – your body needs time to get used to stretching, in any new place, so don’t try to force it too quickly. (And don’t feel obligated to go to a bigger size if the smaller size feels good!)

Make sure her nails are well trimmed. This should go without saying when you’re planning any penetrative sex, but it’s especially important in the anus. The tissues in here are very sensitive, which is what allows anal sex to feel good against all expectations that it wouldn’t, but they are also easy to tear. (And you have every right to ask for a hand check first!)


“I’m afraid it won’t feel good.”

Okay, so here’s the part where that sensitive anus is a blessing: It doesn’t take a lot for most women to get pleasure from anal play, as long as her other sexual needs are being met. In other words, if your partner knows what she’s doing, and you are relaxed, it’s going to feel good.


“I’m afraid I taste/smell bad down there.”

A lot of women shy away from the idea of analingus, because there’s an assumption that it’s going to smell bad, or that it’s going to taste like ass. A lot of people associate the idiom with an actual bum – but the truth is, a clean bum tastes like any other skin. Especially once you’ve put a barrier down there (and flavored lubes, if you want to be absolutely certain), there’s not going to be any taste, so don’t worry.

In regards to the smell, I urge you to think of every time your partner has had her face within a few inches of there. If she’s never complained before, she’s not likely to start now!


“I’m afraid there will be debris in there.”

The thought of your partner pulling out a finger (or toy, or whatever else she puts in your bum) and having “leftovers” on it is… Well, humiliating, for most people. If you’re concerned about this, rest assured – there are a few easy fixes.

Make sure you use the restroom well before you’re going to get to business – it’s important that everything is “empty” in there. If you have regular bowel movements, it’s best to time your experimenting for about halfway in between.

Now, here’s the awkward part: Washing inside your bum. If you’ve never done it, the idea of sticking your finger in there and intentionally trying to pull out any debris is a bit gross. Still, it’s the most effective way to make sure your partner doesn’t pull anything out! Please don’t use a soapy finger, as it can be difficult to rinse the soap back out – just warm water will do.

If you feel that there is any need to use the bathroom – even if the feeling has just started – you should probably wait to play in the bum until another day. Once you start feeling the urge, everything is usually already on its way out. (It’s a gross thought, but better to think of it now than in the middle!)

If you follow the above advice and your partner still ends up with a little debris on her finger, it’s not the end of the world – I promise. As long as she washes her hands thoroughly before touching the vagina, eyes, or mouth (yours or hers), a little poo on someone’s finger never stopped the world.


If you’re uncomfortable giving…

For women who are looking to satisfy a partner’s desire for anal sex, it’s usually not coming from a logical place. After all, if she asked you for it, chances are she already knows she likes it, and she’ll probably be able to give you a few pointers to make it a better experience for both of you.

If your partner hasn’t tried it before, though, there are a few basic tips to help make it more comfortable. Make sure you pay attention to the tips in the top section, too, as they’ll help you picture what’s on her mind when you’re playing.


“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her.”

If your partner specifically asked you for anal sex, it’s a pretty safe bet that she’s willing to assume the risks of it being uncomfortable. And as long as you start slow, small, and gentle, the worst that could happen is a little discomfort. Let her guide you here. Listen to her words as well as her body, and don’t try to push forward too fast.

“I’m afraid I won’t be good at it.”

One of the best things about anal play is that you don’t have to do a lot to get it right. Sometimes, the simple penetration is all that’s needed – too much wiggling can tear the sensitive tissues. Some women enjoy gentle thrusting as well, but if you’re worried about messing up, don’t make a move until she tells you to.

“I’m afraid it will make a mess.”

This one is simple – just put down something you don’t mind messing up. Even if you go through all the necessary precautions, there’s still going to be a chance that anal play is going to make a mess. But the same can be said for any other sex, can’t it? Sometimes we start our period in the middle of sex, sometimes we simply get the entire bed wet. If you’re worried, put something down!

“I’m afraid it is going to taste/smell bad down there.”

As I mentioned in the receiver’s section above, a clean anus really has no smell or taste. If you’re particularly concerned, you are allowed to (nicely) ask your partner to wash up. Most likely, she already has, because we always smell worse to ourselves than we smell to others.

But there’s a funny little science fact that might help explain this, too: The human brain has a specific connection between attraction and how we perceive our partner to smell. I’m not going to get into the specifics, but we can sum it up to mean that, in the heat of the moment, you’re not going to care what your partner’s bum smells like nearly as much as you fear you will.

According To New Study There Is An ‘Ideal Number Of Sexual Partners’ To Have

According to new research by extra-marital dating site IllicitEncouters.com, 10 is the ideal number of lovers to have.

More than 1,000 people took part in the online survey, and where asked how many lovers they would want a new partner to have had.

Between eight and 12 was the most popular answer, chosen by 38% of women and 37% of men.

Within that group, both men and women agreed 10 was the “Goldilocks” answer – “neither too hot nor too cold”.

The poll suggests those who had more than 10 sexual partners were considered promiscuous, while having fewer than 10 would be considered sexually inexperienced.

Any number above 20 was considered a turn-off, chosen by 3% of women and 4% of men.

People were also asked if they wanted to know how many lovers a new partner had in the past – 35% of women said they wanted to know, while 30% of men wanted to know a partner’s sexual history.

Christian Grant, a spokesman for IllicitEncounters.com, said:

The dating game is changing so quickly. I think we are all becoming a lot more tolerant and sexually adventurous. If we had conducted this poll ten years ago, men would have expected a potential partner to have slept with far fewer people.”


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8 Tips for Any Woman Who Wants to Experiment with Her Sexuality

Sexuality is a strange and wonderful thing. Once upon a time, it was widely accepted that there was only gay and straight – and then eventually the term bisexual came into the mix, too. Now, we know that there is a full spectrum of sexual identities, and we even (generally) accept that they might change throughout the course of our lives.

But that doesn’t always make it easy to come to terms with the idea of our label changing in our lives.

There are many women who feel disconnected from their community when they experiment later in life, even though their identity is just as valid as someone who’s been the same their entire life. What can you do to help your experimentation go a little smoother?


1. You are never too young or too old to question things.

Whether you’re 15 or 95, there’s no such thing as the “right age” to question and experiment. Of course, you should restrict your sexual activities to the years you’re of consenting age in your area, but there are other, non-sexual ways to experiment, as well. There’s no such thing as being too young or too old.


2. There is no right or wrong way to experiment.

Some women experiment sexually first. Some women start by dating someone of the gender they’re curious about. Some women just play through things in their head. No matter which category you fall in (or if you fall in another category altogether), no one else has the right to tell you that it’s right or wrong.


3. Honesty is always the best possibility.

Even if you’re embarrassed by your lack of experience, there’s no real reason you should lie about it. If the person you’re considering seeing (in any regard) isn’t comfortable accepting the truth, you don’t change the truth – you change the partner. Most women will respect an honest disclosure, and most women will spurn someone they feel misrepresented the situation.


4. Your fantasies are valid.

It’s important to realize that, whatever your fantasy is, there’s probably someone out there who’s willing to indulge it. This doesn’t mean you have the right to demand it from a partner, but you are free to select a partner who shares in your fantasy, or at the very least, agrees to help you explore it.


5. You are allowed to change your mind.

Experimentation doesn’t invalidate your previous identity unless you decide it does. Since we generally accept sexuality as a fluid part of our overall identity, you are allowed to decide that your previous identity is either still valid or no longer true. Either way, it’s no one’s decision but yours.


6. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Even if you’ve been with your partner for twenty years, there’s no real obligation to stay with them if they’re not what you want – the only obligation that exists is in your mind. If your partner no longer makes you happy, you have every right to let it be known. Just try to be fair about it, and let them know that they’re not responsible for your questioning.


7. Just because you want someone doesn’t mean you want to be with them.

Keep in mind that your sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily match your romantic attraction. In many cases, the two do correlate, but that’s not implied – nor is it “more correct”. The spectrum of attraction is so wide, and once you get romance involved in the mix, it’s really more like a rainbow Venn diagram than it is the line we like to picture it. There’s nothing wrong with your romantic and sexual attractions not lining up, as long as you’re honest with everyone involved.


8. Just because you didn’t find yourself in this experiment doesn’t mean you’re lost.

Sometimes, we can experiment and learn absolutely nothing about ourselves – or so it seems. The truth is, if you have a fantasy you chase, and you don’t feel fulfilled, you may have actually found out more than you think – or maybe not. If you felt nothing at all, maybe the fantasy was better as a fantasy. Or maybe it means that the person you experimented with wasn’t the right person. This is something you’ll need to understand on your own.


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Calming the Nerves: How to Tackle Your Awkwardness During Sex

Sometimes sex is awkward. I get that. I think I’ve probably had more awkward sex than I’ve had “normal” sex – it’s almost as if awkward is normal.

Because it is.

But that doesn’t mean you have to feel awkward when you’re having sex with someone, even if it’s someone new. Awkwardness is mostly in our head, after all – and those who have a little more awkwardness overall (hello, me) are bound to have more awkwardness than most others.

Ready to start getting rid of some of the weirdness?


Remember she’s there because she wants to have sex with you.

In almost any scenario where you’re feeling awkward about what’s about to happen, it can be helpful to remember that this woman already wants to have sex with you. Through all your awkwardness, she still thought you were worth sleeping with. This should be hugely reassuring.

If you haven’t actually discussed the idea of having sex yet (but you’re planning to put it into motion), it’s best if you take a look at her overall cues. Is she acting like she wants to have sex with you? If she’s not, then it’s not awkwardness you’re feeling – it’s unrequited sexual tension.


Remember everyone has a first time.

If it’s going to be your first time (or if you’re still pretty inexperienced – whether only with women, or altogether), it’s important to realize that no one starts out a pro. No matter how many lesbians like to claim that their talent was all-natural, it’s actually a proven fact that talent is learned – not automatically acquired. No one is impressive their first time unless they have a super great teacher.

Before I get anyone saying that they really were amazing from the start, let me clarify: There are some people who start off at a better “square one” than others, but sex is still a learning experience. There is always room for improvement, even for those who are incredible. “Perfect” doesn’t exist, so stop worrying about whether you are – no one is.


Remember you’re absolutely gorgeous.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to be overly critical of myself when I see myself naked. The problem with this is that I am really turned on by the idea of watching my partner pleasure me, and sometimes even recording a little video. (For personal use only, of course.) I see how I look in all these unflattering angles, and I obsess over every little thing that could be better – and the arousal has to fight through self-consciousness before I can actually relax and enjoy myself.

Friends, remember: The women who want to sleep with you find you attractive. You shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you feel sexy. The angles we see ourselves at look much different than the angles that she sees – whether she’s looking up from your vagina or she’s lying next to your side. Don’t worry so much about what she thinks of you – if you’re in this situation, the way she feels should be obvious by now.


Remember a sense of humor is very attractive.

If you can make jokes during sex, it might help lighten the tension. I’m a firm believer that, if you can’t laugh during sex, you’re having sex with the wrong person. As an added bonus, it actually helps to start releasing endorphins (the “happy” chemical in your brain, that’s also released when you have an orgasm) – which means that having a sense of humor about your sex life might actually make the sex better, too.

One caveat, though – it’s important that your humor and jokes are tasteful. For example, joking about having a “side chick” when your partner of four years is going down on you is probably not a good joke, nor is joking about having an STD. But joking about the noises your vagina makes during sex? Totally helps alleviate the awkwardness.


Remember sex isn’t everything.

I think the most important thing to remember is that awkward sex doesn’t mean you fail at everything else. In fact, it usually doesn’t even mean you fail at sex. No one’s going to hit it out of the park every time – you’ve got to leave yourself a little room to make mistakes.

I think my generation is really guilty of this (but not universally). We put too much pressure on ourselves to make sure the sex is on point – which doesn’t leave us any room to mess up. The truth is, in most cases, less-than-perfect sex isn’t a deal breaker – so don’t worry so much!


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8 Foreplay Moves Your Girlfriend is Secretly Begging You to Try

For most women, the art of foreplay is essential to a good sexual experience. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first time or the hundredth, we like a little extra attention to get us in the mood. But not every woman is like that – which can result in some confusion in a lesbian relationship. One of you might expect the other to be turned on suddenly, because you are usually turned on suddenly – or your partner might assume that you know she needs some extra attention.

In most cases, it’s a simple matter of miscommunication – but just talking won’t always fix the problems. After all, some women have a hard time vocalizing what they want – or maybe even knowing what they want. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, as long as she’s trying.

But what if you want to surprise her with something new?


Talk dirty.

5 Kinds Of Sex Lesbians Have 02

One of the sexiest things you can hear when you’re having sex with your partner is the sound of her voice. Sure, moaning and heavy breathing are all fine and dandy, but most women have a very imaginative libido. The more you tell her about what you want from her, what turns you on about her, et cetera… The more she’s going to want it, too.

It might feel awkward to say the things you want out loud, but all it takes is a bit of practice. Your partner may even have requests for things you can say – sometimes this can help. (My partner enjoys when I call out her name and ask her if it’s all hers. These definitely felt weird the first few times I said them, but once you see the response she’s going to have when you say those things, you’ll be hooked.)


Take time to take it in.

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If she’s put any type of special attention into her appearance (a lacy ensemble, a little makeup with her pajamas, perhaps a pair of heels and knee-high stockings…), this is usually a sign that she’s trying to start something. Chances are, she did that for you – so don’t squander the opportunity to respond accordingly!

Of course, not all women are into the traditional feminine sex appeal – and that’s okay too. You should be able to take in your partner’s sex appeal regardless of how it presents itself, and you should have the confidence to tell her how sexy she looks when she’s all yours. (Trust me – studs like compliments, too.)


Undress her – slowly. (Or not!)

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If you’re leaving your partner to get naked by herself, you’re doing it wrong. Sure, now and then it can be great if she just approaches you already naked – but most of the time, she’s going to want to be unwrapped. Whether you tear her clothes of or gingerly kiss every inch of exposed skin is pretty much up to the two of you – but don’t make her do all the work.

That being said, there can be a great deal of excitement in not undressing first. If you are wearing clothing that accommodates it, touching and rubbing around or through the clothing can add an extra level to your foreplay. This is especially true in situations where you’re looking to save time or be inconspicuous – but it may take some practice to get it just right.


Don’t try to just dive in.

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Too often, we are guilty of trying to get ahead of ourselves in the bedroom. If we’re too excited, we act hastily, and we expect it to be good for our partners. Well, it can be! But only if they’re prepared for it. Skipping foreplay is never a really good idea. Most women need time to get warmed up, although some may only need a bit of dirty talking to get the ball rolling.

Some women might start with the intention of thoroughly warming things up, but then they try to press forward before their partner is ready. Don’t do this either. While it might be a little better than trying to dive straight in, trust me – the longer you make her wait for it, the better it’s going to be (and the more eager she’s going to be to return the favor when you’re done).


Give the ladies some proper attention, too.

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Not too long ago, we mentioned that 2016 was going to be the year of breast play. Well, if you were waiting for a sign, here it is! Many women feel that their partner doesn’t properly handle their breasts during foreplay. It’s not about giving them the quick once-over before moving on to the next spot. Rather, you should give them their own attention – perhaps even while you’re doing other things for her.

In fact, directly stimulating the breasts while indirectly stimulating her pubic area (such as rubbing your leg against her while you suck on her nipples) might end up working greatly in your favor – for most women, it won’t lead to an orgasm by itself, but it can increase the chances that she’ll beg to take the next step.


Get your lips in on the action.

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When we think of an oral fixation, we usually think of the tongue. French kissing, vagina licking, you name it – we assume that the tongue has to be involved. But what if I told you it didn’t? Don’t get me wrong – the tongue definitely has its place. But you shouldn’t rely exclusively on it when there is so much to be said for the lips. (Just make sure they’re properly moisturized, please.)

Truthfully, one of the sexiest ways to get a woman begging for oral sex is to gently brush your lips across her most sensitive areas – denying her any direct pressure or stimulation. Since many women rely on their imagination to help their arousal along, it’s in your best interest to make her think she’s not going to get it – just so she’s all the wetter when you finally give it to her.


Nibble – but don’t bite. (Unless she tells you to!)

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Grazing your teeth across someone’s neck can be a very sensual experience. I think it pretty much sums up the romanticized image of the vampire, too – the idea that you could be bitten ignites something inside you and it turns you on. It’s not true for everyone, but there are enough sexy vampires for me to say it’s pretty common.

It’s not only the neck, though – nibbling can feel good on the nipples, the thighs, and the clit, too. Talk to your partner to find out what she likes, and try some things out on your own. If you already know she enjoys rougher biting, you can try that too – but many women would prefer to keep it gentle. Rough sexual play should always be a mutual decision.


Don’t be lazy.

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In most areas of our lives, multi-tasking doesn’t work. We think we’re being more productive by doing multiple things at a time, but really we’re just screwing multiple things up at once. Thankfully, your sex life can be an exception to this, if you can learn how to use your hands and your mouth separately. (OK, it takes a bit of practice, but I promise – you’ll enjoy it.)

Of course, you should introduce the separate “tasks” one at a time when you’re trying the multi-tasking approach – don’t just go all in from the start. Consider starting with some kissing, then bringing in a little nipple play before continuing down to her pubic area. Don’t stop teasing those nipples, though! Foreplay should be a full-body experience, so don’t be afraid to get more involved.

How To Have A Threesome, The Right Way

Almost everyone thinks about having a threesome at some point in their life. Whether you’re thinking of adding in a man or a woman, there’s something deeply rooted in our brains that tells us “Your sex life would be more interesting if you brought in someone new.” There might be a few differences, depending on the specifics of the relationship, as well as what they think they’re “lacking”.

In these scenarios, I like to think that there are three basic “roles” that a person can play. These roles are the same, regardless of the sexualities of the parties involved:

  • The First: This refers to the partner who doesn’t necessarily want the threesome, but agrees to it because his or her partner wants it to happen. In many situations, this person is the one who’s worried and/or insecure about the situation.
  • The Middle: This is the partner that wants it. If both partners want the threesome, this partner will be the one who brought it up, or the person who selected their Third. Basically, this is the person who’s “getting the most” out of this. Generally, this person will actually be in the “middle” when everything goes down, but that’s not necessarily the case.
  • The Third: This is the “extra” person who is brought in to spice things up. In some situations, the three people may be involved in a relationship together; in this case, the Third is still considered the most recent addition to the relationship.

At various points in my life, I have played each role at least once. Would I do it again? Maybe – if everything was just right. But it’s not something I specifically want now. It’s been good and it’s been bad, and sometimes it’s been downright horrible.

That being said, there are a few ways that you can help make the experience better – for everyone involved. Again, every situation will be different, and it’s important that you thoroughly talk about the situation with your partner before you move forward with the plans. It’s best if you have the chance to speak with your Third about the expectations, as well, but sometimes it’s best not to. (I’ll explain in a little while.)

Once you’ve established which part of the equation you play, read the tips below to keep most problems away. Note that while we will refer to all three roles as female, the process will be roughly the same no matter which gender each role identifies as.


For the First Person

First, let me say: If you are considering allowing your partner to bring someone into your relationship (and your bedroom), you must make sure you are aware of the risks. While you can try to prevent any problems from happening, there are no guarantees. It’s important that you evaluate your own situation to make sure that your needs are met.

1. Try to understand.

Sometimes, it’s hard to wrap your head around why your partner would want to sleep with someone else – especially if you’ve never been the Middle before. If you have questions, you should ask – but be fair to her. We can’t always control the things that turn us on, nor do we all have the same reasons for wanting to look outside of our relationship for sexual attention. Hear her out, and decide if it’s something you can handle or not.

2. Why do you want this?

If this wasn’t your idea, you will have to think about why you’re on board. Legitimately, if you can’t think of a reason, you should not go through with it – these situations have a tendency to go bad, fast, if someone is not fully on board. This is a huge risk as far as your relationship is concerned, and if you aren’t confident in your decision to pursue it, your insecurities will be much more noticeable throughout the process. Also, keep in mind that just because it wasn’t your idea doesn’t mean you are safe from falling for the other person – our attraction is often out of our control and there’s no way to fully prevent attachment.

3. Communicate your needs.

Don’t make it all about what your partner wants – you have the right (and the responsibility) to let her know what you won’t allow. If, for example, you are absolutely not OK with them kissing on the mouth, you should let her know before it comes up. Encourage your partner to share her personal boundaries, as well – it can help you keep your insecurities in check if you have a clear idea of what is and isn’t “allowed”. (But remember that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, the rules might get broken – you’ll have to decide what to do about this if it happens.)


For the Middle Person

It can take a huge amount of courage to tell your partner that you want to have sex with someone else. Hopefully, if you’ve already brought it up to your partner, you did it gracefully, and reassured her that it doesn’t mean you’re unsatisfied with her. As much courage as it takes to bring it up, it takes just as much courage to agree to it – remember that.

1. Give her a chance to think about it.

If you haven’t asked yet, make sure you don’t spring the idea on her once you’ve already got it lined up. This is a decision that the two of you will need to make together – it’s generally not a good idea for a surprise unless you’ve explicitly discussed a mutual interest in it. (And even then, there’s risks involved with surprising her with it.)

2. Pick someone together – not by yourself.

If possible, you should find someone you both agree to. Of course, this may be someone who appeals to one of you more than the other, but it should still be a mutual decision. Some people prefer to choose someone at random, but I don’t particularly recommend that. There are a few basic things you should know before you get into bed with someone. (See the “all three of you” section for more information.)

3. Make a plan.

If there are things you already know your partner isn’t okay with happening, you should reassure her that you won’t do those things (if you can). Of course, sometimes things happen that we didn’t intend, but you should do your best to respect your partner’s wishes if possible. This is a good time to lay out your own boundaries that you’d like her to respect, too.


For the Couple

Now that the two of you have made your own separate stipulations, it’s important that you think about what this threesome means for the two of you, collectively. Threesomes should not be used to try to “fix” a failing relationship – because it won’t work. They can, however, effectively spice up a relationship that is healthy, but lacking in sexual excitement.


For the Third Person

Being the third person is a position of honor – this couple chose you to come into their bedroom, and that’s an exciting idea! But it’s also important that you remember the responsibilities involved with this decision. If not treated with care, your place as the Third can break up an entire relationship, that may have been in place for years. But no pressure – it’s not automatically doomed.

1. Remember your place.

Although there is no way to control who we fall for, it’s important to try to remember that you were into a relationship – and it’s in your best interest to stay on the sidelines, when possible. You don’t want to be the person responsible for breaking up a relationship, if you can avoid it. In some situations, the couple may invite you to become a more permanent part of the relationship – but this is a decision for them to bring up, not you.

2. Set your own boundaries.

If there are certain things you personally don’t think you could handle without getting attached, it’s important that you let this be known. Just because you’re the outsider here doesn’t mean that your needs are any less important than the couple’s. There’s nothing that says you even have to use your real name – but please don’t lie about your sexual health!

3. Respect their requests.

As long as their requests don’t put you out of your comfort zone, it’s pretty important that you follow along with what they want. After all, they’re risking their relationship, and most likely they will have already talked things through to decide what they are and are not OK with. If they tell you something’s a hard no, don’t try and push it.


For All Three of You

Now that the three of you have started to get to know each other, there are a few steps that you should all think about. Not all of these things need a direct action, but you should at least have them in mind when you’re making your plans.

1. Decide how much you want to know each other.

While you might not want to get too deeply connected to each other, you should decide how much you want to know about each other – and make sure you know it. In many cases, this can be as simple as name, sexual health history, and a few brief turn-ons, just so you know what direction you’ll go in. Getting to know each other too well may increase the risks of someone getting attached.

2. Decide how you will stay safe.

If discretion is a concern of yours, it may be helpful to meet at a neutral site (such as a hotel room) to keep some distance. If you are meeting someone from the internet, it can be especially beneficial for everyone if you meet somewhere else.

3. Get tested.

Whenever having sex with a new partner, it’s best if everyone involved is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. While this doesn’t seem like a very glamorous part of the process, it’s incredibly important. Most people do not practice safer sex every time, and STDs can often be present without any symptoms. It’s important to know your own sexual health and history even if you aren’t currently sleeping with someone.

4. Plan ahead.

Will you all be deleting each other’s phone numbers (and contact history) after your tryst? This is something you should know going in. In many cases, it can be reassuring to stop all contact after the deed is done, but not everyone feels this way. You should plan together before anyone takes any clothing off. This is important!

5. Use protection.

Safer sex is everyone’s responsibility, and all three of you should assume that the others are not going to think about it. It’s much better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. After all, it’s possible that you’ll have more sex than you anticipated, and extra protection is never a bad idea! This should be an important step of the process even if there is no risk of pregnancy, and even if all three parties tested STD free.

6. You are allowed to change your mind.

You should not feel pressured to “follow through with it” if you don’t think you can handle it. If you feel trapped into the decision, it’s probably best if you don’t participate in the threesome. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. If you change your mind, the other parties need to respect that, even if you change your mind in the midst of the action. You aren’t allowed to be upset with anyone else if you don’t speak up, though!

8 Simple Steps to Improve Your Oral Sex Technique

(Almost) everyone likes receiving oral sex. When done properly, it can be a glorious experience, and even when it’s not perfect, it’s still pretty good. Even if you think you’re pretty good, there’s always room for improvement, and I have never heard a woman say that better sex would be a bad thing.

Of course, not all women respond the same to stimulation, so the number-one tip will always be to communicate with your partner – both as a giver and as a receiver. Sex is better when both partners work to make it better.

If you need some ideas to help you get the conversation started, here are a few that are likely to be a hit.


1. “Get comfortable – we’re going to be here a while.”

In the heat of the moment, we often forget that comfort is a big factor in sexual pleasure. It’s important to remember that the possibility of injuring yourself during sex is actually a real thing, and it’s a legitimate concern for some people.

If you want to make sure your woman gets the most pleasure out of your pleasure, you’ve got to make sure she’s physically comfortable. I find that this is a perfect excuse to keep a ton of extra pillows on the bed. (And besides – then you can make a pillow fort when you Netflix & chill.)

You should make sure that you’re comfortable too, though. When you’re stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable position, it’s literally impossible for you to do your best work – so make sure you save a pillow for yourself, if you want one.


2. “How do you want it?”

I know, I’m guilty of this myself – you find out about a new position and you get super excited to try it out with your partner. But your partner isn’t on board with the idea of sticking her bum up in the air, no matter how much you beg.

Truthfully – and this is important here, so listen up – the receiving partner should get to pick the position. Chances are, she knows what she likes, and letting her pick the position pretty much guarantees that she’s going to be satisfied.

It could be argued that the more dominant partner should get to pick the position, and we agree, to an extent. Either partner may suggest the position, but the receiving partner should always have the final say.


3. “I want you to beg for it.”

This is something I cannot stress enough: Most women are more responsive to sexual stimuli once they’re already thoroughly aroused. If you start with sex right out of the gate, you’re almost always destroying your chance to seal the deal – her body most likely won’t let her get in the mood.

Of course, not all women respond this way, but even for women who are used to getting turned on right away, the pleasure that comes from the art of a good tease is well worth the extra time it takes. I believe this may even be more true for those who aren’t used to being teased, but the sample represented by my personal experience is pretty small.

When you make your partner beg for release, the resulting orgasm is bound to be stronger. Some women enjoy the anticipation of stretching the foreplay process out over several days, but for beginners I advise starting with an hour or so at first. Trust me, she’ll love it!


4. Read her body language. Don’t talk – just listen.

If you pay close attention to your lover’s body while you are pleasuring her, it’s next to impossible to have “bad sex”. (Unless, of course, there are significant outside factors involved.) Women who are responsive to the progression that their partner’s body goes through during foreplay and sex are much more likely to notice the minor changes that occur when she’s close to climax, and can focus her attention on the areas that need the most stimulation.

This can be particularly helpful when paired with teasing, as you can predict when she’s about to have an orgasm and slow things down – leaving her lingering somewhere in the middle for even longer.

Body language has the added bonus of being incredibly difficult to fake, so watching her facial expressions and feeling the way her body tenses when she is feeling pleasure can help add confidence to those who doubt their sexual abilities.


5. Turn it on. (The toy, that is!)

Let me start with a disclaimer: Using a vibrating toy when you’re going down on someone has a very high potential to make your face numb. That’s ok. Do it anyway, trust me. For women who enjoy penetration (whether vaginal or anal), the feeling of vibration along with the clitoral stimulation is a mind-blowing experience, and nothing else truly compares to the feeling this brings.

For women who don’t enjoy penetration, you can still get a toy involved in the mix. However, instead of inserting it in your partner, rub it along the outer edges of either her vagina or her anus (preferably on a low setting at first, as these areas are quite sensitive).

If you can stick it out and continue “performing” while using the toy to aid you, her orgasm is bound to be one of the strongest she’s ever experienced.


6. “Let’s try something different.”

If you’re interested in trying something different with the assistance of a toy, this variation of the above trick might be just the ticket. Instead of using the toy to penetrate your partner, use it to vibrate against her clitoris. Your mouth can then explore her labia, and if she’s into the idea, penetrate her.

This trick still utilizes the softness of the lips and tongue with the intensity of the vibrator, but in a context that many women don’t think to try. Being orally penetrated is something that turns women on (although it’s more psychological than physical), and being able to taste her from the inside is pretty sexy, too.

A wonderful idea to intensify the power of your teasing is to suck and nibble on your partner’s inner thighs and outer labia. Both of these places are highly sensitive on most women who are close to climax, and the sexual tension of giving these areas more focus than the clitoris can significantly increase the volume of her begging. (Your personal experience may vary.)


7. “Get ready!”

When you’ve seen your partner falling into the patterns that usually mean she’s about to climax – and you’ve decided that she’s allowed – it’s time to start building up the anticipation just a little bit more. Her moans are probably going to help motivate you here, so let her be your guide.

Some ideas to throw into your “end game” are some gentle clitoral or labial sucking – these are quite effective with many women. You might also try some light nibbling, although not all women enjoy the pain. Personally, I’m not a big fan of biting, but I have been with women who were.

But what if you reach the ending and she didn’t actually finish? Well, there are two possibilities here. Generally speaking, you should let her decide which one you go through with.

A. Keep trying – the orgasm will happen eventually!

Some women take a long time to orgasm, and it very rarely means that there’s a problem. Things like prescription medications, alcohol, or stress can make things even harder, but usually it is possible. Every now and then, you should try to give your lady a long, satisfying experience. If you have the time, the patience, and the willing partner to let it run its course, there’s no harm in not stopping.

B. Don’t worry – she still had a good time!

Sometimes, no matter how bad we want to have a physical orgasm, it’s just not going to happen. If you’ve given it your best effort, you can be assured that she did enjoy it, even if her body doesn’t show it. Further, some women may have psychological orgasms, which won’t show the physical characteristics of a sexual climax, but she will be just as satisfied.


8. “Was it good for you?”

I feel like I’m always talking about talking, but it really is the most reliable way to make sure your relationship is going in the right direction. Even in a casual scenario, both partners should make sure their needs and expectations are clear.

After sex (while you’re still basking in the afterglow) is a wonderful time to talk about your sexual satisfaction as a whole. Your mind is already in a sexual place, so the shy among us won’t feel so awkward about it. Your endorphins are racing, which makes you less likely to be offended by any suggestions. Overall, you’re in a good mood – and some oxytocin has definitely been let loose in your body, which means that your bond with your partner is stronger than ever.

When you set aside a few minutes to talk after your sexy time, you are making an effort to improve your sex the next time – so more than just talking, it’s important that you listen to what she has to say, and try to apply it the next time you get down to business. If she’s anything like me, she probably said her fair share of motivational messages and helpful instructions during the deed, but it never hurts to clarify.

Over time, this process can drastically improve your sex life, not only with your current partner, but also with any future partners you may have. Sex and romance are lifelong learning experiences and even the experts are still figuring stuff out. Don’t be afraid to explore and try new things!

Take care of yourself, and each other!

Lesbian Safe Sex: How Much Do You Know?

For a long time, it’s been said that lesbians (and bisexual women in same-sex relationships) don’t need to practice safer sex, because women can’t give women STDs. Maybe you heard it from friends, or girlfriends, or maybe even your doctor. Maybe you thought you heard it somewhere, and just took it to be the truth. Whatever your personal situation might be, I have an important announcement for you.


Fact: Women can give other women sexually transmitted diseases.

In fact, it’s estimated that one in every four women who has sex with other women has had a sexually transmitted disease at some point in time, even in cases where the woman had only had sex with other women. I think a good portion of the reason these numbers are so high is because so many people (mistakenly) think that they don’t need to use protection.

Unprotected oral sex in particular has been linked to mouth cancer, HIV, and a number of other infections – which should be enough to make you want to be a little safer. Even if you have only ever been with women and only ever intend to be with women, safer sex should be an important part of your sex life. Take pride in your health!


Fact: The only 100%-guaranteed way to not contract an STD is to be abstinent.

We would like to think that it would extend to monogamous partners who have only been with each other since the most recent time they tested negative for STDs before their first time). Practically, this would depend on whether both partners were faithful, and it would depend upon both partners agreeing to be tested. Truthfully, in order for the testing process to be 100% accurate, it would have had to be over a year since your last sexual contact – and most people just don’t wait that long.

But thankfully, practicing safer sex correctly isn’t as difficult as you might think, and it generally has a very high success rate. It’s worth it to learn how to incorporate it into your routine, and to know how to bring it up to your current partner(s) as well. Here at KitschMix, we strongly advise that you get tested regularly anyway, just as a precaution – things can happen at any time, and it’s easier to treat if you can catch it early. (Of course, you should also get tested anytime there’s a specific concern – it’s always better to be safe than sorry.)


Fact: Dental dams don’t have to be complicated.

It never fails – almost any time I talk with someone about safer lesbian sex, there’s always going to be that one comment: “But I don’t even know where to get a dental dam.” Some say they don’t know how to use one, so it’s easier to not bother. Or they don’t know where they’d buy them, and they definitely don’t want the embarrassment of asking a store employee… Or, for that matter, taking it through the register.

But the truth is that lesbians have an advantage here (especially the crafty ones). Dental dams are so easy to make yourself, and to use – and you don’t even have to talk to a store associate. As long as neither you or your partner is allergic to latex, you can pick up a box of gloves at most stores. (Preferably not the powdered kind… trust me on this one. Powdered gloves will take longer to prepare.)

Once you’ve got your gloves, you’re going to want to cut the palm section out of it. You’ll only need one, but you can always cut them up in advance, as long as you wash them before you use them. (Debris pushed into the vagina or into the clitoral hood can cause a different sort of infection, and should be avoided if possible.) Now you should have at least one square of latex, about the size of the palm of your hands. Next comes the fun part!


Fact: If you can make a peace sign with your fingers, you can use a dental dam.

Do me a favor and try it really quick. Think of whichever hand you won’t be penetrating or touching your partner with, and make a V. If you’ll compare that V with the palm of your opposite hand, you should find that they’re about the same size – but with plenty of extra space at the top, which is right where your mouth will be.

When your partner is ready to get to business, you’re going to place your little square of latex over whichever area you’re going to be focusing on. (Make sure you use different dams for the vagina and the anus, if you will be performing oral sex on both.) Then, use your peace sign to hold down the top corners, and get to work!

(And if you’re worried about it reducing the sensitivity in the area, let me tell you: Some people have a really extreme latex fetish. It does change the sensation, but it changes it in a way that feels good on its own. Particularly if your partner enjoys being teased, as many women do, adding a barrier method can help to prolong the time it takes to climax – which we all know provides a stronger orgasm.)


Fact: Lesbians can use condoms, too.

If you want to add a little flavor, or if you want to penetrate your partner, condoms are a simple and inexpensive way to spice things up. If you’re concerned with the humiliation of buying condoms at your local store, though, the Internet is here to save the day. In most places, you can buy condoms online and have them sent to you discretely. These places may also have dental dams, sex toys, and even educational material on improving your overall sexual health.

Please take note that you shouldn’t use flavored condoms for penetrative sex, as some flavorings have the potential to cause painful yeast infections. It’s also important that you use a different condom for penetrating different partners, as well as for vaginal and anal play. This may seem like a complicated process, but trust us – it’s worth it.

For those who aren’t embarrassed to buy their condoms at the local store (or who have someone willing to pick them up for you), there are a lot of options, and many of them are specifically designed to increase the satisfaction of the woman receiving in this scenario.

If you’re interested in playing around with some different textures, sensations, and colors, condoms are by far the easiest option. (Plus, if you cut them into rectangles, they also make perfect dental dams for oral play – consider using the flavored ones this way.)


Fact: Safer sex doesn’t have to be boring.

Make a game out of it with your partner! The idea of respecting your body and your partner’s body should never feel boring or like it’s a waste of time. Find a way to have fun with the new additions, and make a date out of getting tested together. Sure, it might seem like getting tested is admitting guilt, but the truth is it’s an important part of taking care of your body. Getting tested doesn’t mean you have a disease, it means you want to keep yourself safe.

If you have not already done so, and you are sexually active (by any definition), please don’t hesitate to get tested and start practicing safer sex. It’s never too late to care – don’t wait until it’s too late to make a difference.


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11 Things the Media Gets Wrong About Lesbian Sex

Lesbians, in general, are often attracted to media involving lesbians. It’s almost like when a dog sees another dog at the park – we just have to check it out! While it makes us some of the best friends to have, it also means that many of us get entirely the wrong idea about sex.

The truth is, the only sex you ever know anything about is the sex that you, personally, have. Anything else, you’re just getting the version that the person/business/entity wants you to see. While this is usually true for other aspects of your life, too, it’s especially important to notice when it comes to our perception of ourselves.

We’ve collected a few of the rumors circulated by the media about lesbian sex and sexuality – how many did you fall for?


We don’t all have sex all day, every day.

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Many movies that show a glimpse into the lives of lesbian characters will, inevitably, show them having sex for pretty much entire days. While that probably does happen every now and then (I can think of about 5 times in my entire sexual history), it’s definitely not the norm for most of us.

Most lesbians have sex, on average, between 5 and 10 times per month. While it’s going to be different for every couple, the vast majority of us really don’t have that much time to spend having sex – especially when each tryst can last over an hour!


Lesbian Bed Death is only real if you let it be.

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There’s this big stereotype that all lesbians who enter a committed relationship will, eventually, stop having sex. If it doesn’t stop completely, it dwindles down to the point where it’s actually scheduled on the calendar, so to speak! But lesbians are not any more susceptible to this than anyone else. The idea of “bed death” is built on the couple giving up on their sexual relationships because they’re satisfied with the rest of their lives. Too bad it’s complete rubbish!

The truth is, almost any long-term relationship will have its ups and downs, in every aspect – not just sex. It’s incredibly rare that a couple completely stops having sex permanently, and remains together. (That’s not to say it never happens or that there’s anything inherently wrong with that, either.)


It’s not all strap-ons and scissoring, my friend.

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Okay, so I’d like to briefly extend the definition of the word “media” to include pornography. When you watch lesbian pornography, keep in mind that roughly 90% of porn producers are male – producing for a male audience. Although these numbers are starting to change (at last!) it is still a highly male-dominated market in terms of the decision-making process.

For some reason, this market has latched onto a highly feminized image of “lesbians”, which is not always the case in reality. These feminine lesbians will, by nature, be replicating a humping pattern of some sort – because that’s what the audience wants. This doesn’t actually speak for all of the available consumers, and many lesbians don’t enjoy any of the actions that are commonly depicted in porn.


Most of us don’t have sex fully naked. (At least not every time.)

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This is, of course, another situational occurrence – but most male-produced porn will show women having sex entirely naked. In case you haven’t noticed, take a look at some straight porn – most likely the man (or men) involved will have some form of clothing on. This is because the porn industry often finds it easier to focus on one particular demographic, and their target is usually the straight male consumer. (This is usually not true for gay male porn – they are usually pictured fully naked, as well.)

But the reality is that lesbians often leave some (or even all) of their clothes on while having sex. As long as whatever it is can be pushed to the side or out of the way, we don’t usually bother taking it off. We’re here to get down to business!


No, long fingernails are not sexy.

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This is another one that is mostly applicable to the porn industry, but it shows in most lesbian imagery in movies and television. These (highly feminine) lesbians will have long fingernails. After all, they’re just going to be scissoring and using toys anyway – why would they need to keep their nails short?

In practical application, though, most lesbians use their hands during sex – whether in penetration or general stimulation. And trust me, the only thing that fingernails are good for are digging into backs. Everywhere else, they need to be nicely trimmed before you even think about it!


Lesbian sex with your hair down is probably a bad idea.

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For those among us with long hair, you probably already know how rough it is when your hair gets in the way of day-to-day activities. When it comes to lesbian sex, there are a number of extra reasons you need to keep a hair tie handy. First of all, sex hair is a very present problem, and those who tangle easily will probably not want to deal with it. (Silk or jersey cotton pillowcases can help sometimes, but there’s no guarantee when things get crazy.)

Additionally, if you have never had to pull your partner’s hair out from an uncomfortable place, let me tell you: It’s just as uncomfortable as you would expect it to be. (My partner and I both have incredibly long hair – the struggle is very real.)


Many of us have had sex with men – but that doesn’t mean we will again in the future.

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The thought is that, if we’ve had sex with men in the past, that means we “have to be open to the idea in the future”. That’s simply not true. Someone’s past is never meant to define their future, only to help shape their future choices. The idea that someone has to have a certain type of sex in the future just because he or she had that type of sex in the past is unfounded. It’s like saying that you have to like every food you’ve ever tried.

(But it also doesn’t mean we won’t.)

Just because a woman identifies as a lesbian now does not mean that her identity will never change again. Sexuality is often thought to be fluid and versatile throughout a person’s life, and there are a number of situations that could influence her future choices.

Further, a person’s identity is a deeply personal matter, and not everyone will define it the same way. No one has the right to say someone else’s identity is invalid.


We don’t always like loving and gentle sex – lesbian sex can get wild.

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This isn’t usually the case in porn, but most of the time in TV and movies, lesbian sex is very tame and sensual. That type of sex is great – but it’s not all there is. The reason this sex is what you see is because the lines for what count as sex and what’s just softcore are pretty limiting when it comes to ratings. If there’s any penetration, vagina shots, or – heaven forbid – moaning out loud, it’s pornographic and must be labelled as such.

The truth is, the media’s representation of lesbian sex is what most lesbians would consider their foreplay – it usually leads to something a little more intense. But they can’t show that on TV or in a teen-friendly movie, so they cut it to keep a bigger audience. Porn, on the other hand, helps to fill the void of the wild escapades – but often makes it difficult to find the sensual and romantic.


There is no singular definition for what counts as “lesbian sex” – but it is most definitely real.

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Every woman I have ever been with has had a different definition for what is “sex” versus what is “just foreplay”. There’s no single definition, because no two women are alike. But the idea that lesbian sex is “not real sex” is completely unfounded, and based on a definition of sex that requires penetration by a human penis.

Gay men are said to have sex, but lesbians “pleasure each other”. (Sometimes to the point of orgasm, but there’s no penis, so it can’t be real.) The truth is, the term “sex” refers to a very general description, and it is up to the individual to determine what they consider “counts”. There is no such thing as a right or wrong answer.


So… How many did you get wrong? Tell us in the comments – and let us know if there’s something we missed!

5 Reasons You Should Try Anal Sex This Year

Most of us have a hard time thinking of anal sex in lesbian relationships. Most of us would just as well leave it to the gay men. But just as not all gay men enjoy anal sex, not all women dislike it! The truth is that, when it’s done right and with a calm and trusting partner, anal sex can actually be fun. Don’t expect to get it right away, but trust me – you’ll know once you’ve got the hang of it, and you’ll thank me.


1. It’s important to mix things up.

Most of us are always looking for something new to add into our routine, but not everyone is willing to give anal a shot. They may have heard that it’s going to hurt, or they think it’s gross, but they’re forgetting that most things don’t just come naturally. It’s something that seems completely different, but just like every other sexual experience, eventually it’s not new and different anymore.


2. Because you don’t know if you like it until you try it.

You can speculate about your desires all you want, but the old saying really is the best way to go: Don’t knock it ‘till you try it. Most likely, you weren’t sure you’d enjoy having sex with a woman in the first place, and yet here we are! After trying it, you might decide you don’t like it after all, and that’s okay, too. Just keep in mind that there are a number of factors involved in enjoying your experience – if any of these are out of whack, it can ruin the whole mood.


3. It can be something special.

If neither you or your partner has played around in that area before, it’s uncharted territory. You get to be the first person there, and that’s pretty magical. Of course, you’ll need to practice a little bit before you figure out how it works best for you, but it’s something you get to explore together.


4. Because, when done right, it feels really good.

For those who are willing to put in the time and effort to learn how to have good anal sex, it can actually feel really good. The anus is full of very sensitive tissues, which can intensify the sensations sent by other sexual activities. Most women aren’t able to climax from anal sex alone, but if you stimulate this area while performing other favors for her, too, she’s almost certain to have the strongest orgasm of her life.


5. It’s cleaner than period sex.

Okay, so this is a very general statement. There are ways to keep period sex from being messy, just as there is a chance that anal play can become messy – but if you exercise the proper steps beforehand, this activity can easily give you a non-vaginal way to please your partner when she’s on her period. (As an added bonus, some women are especially responsive to anal play while they’re on their period, which can definitely make things fun.)

Most of us have a hard time thinking of anal sex in lesbian relationships. Most of us would just as well leave it to the gay men. But just as not all gay men enjoy anal sex, not all women dislike it! The truth is that, when it’s done right and with a calm and trusting partner, anal sex can actually be fun. Don’t expect to get it right away, but trust me – you’ll know once you’ve got the hang of it, and you’ll thank me.


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4 Scientific “Hacks” That Might Change Your Sex Life, Forever

I have never been a particularly scientific person, at least not with any of the physical sciences. I have the most difficult remembering anything scientific that isn’t mitochondria or osmosis. (I know I sound like I’m joking, but other than issues of psychology, I’m science-dumb.)

When it comes to the bigger scientific issues facing the world – I’m interested, but I leave it to the experts. That’s how I stumbled upon the 4 scientific terms that describe the process of arousal – the psychology, chemistry, and even the biology of it. Curious? Let’s take a look at the “short version”.


1.    The Dual Control Model

According to Emily Nagoski, a self-proclaimed “sex nerd” with a PhD in human sexuality, explains the Dual Control Model as the illustrative representation of our body’s arousal and desire. Essentially, this model says that human sexual arousal is not a single response system, but a pair of response systems that work to “activate” and “deactivate” your sexual pleasure centers.

The Sexual Excitation System (or SES) is responsible for picking up what Nagoski calls “sexually relevant information”. Generally, these are the things that would make up a person’s turn-ons, such as trust in a partner, seeing or hearing other people having sex, or genital stimulation. There is no one-size-fits-all list, but generally, activating many of these triggers at or around the same time will increase the likelihood of arousal.

However, there is a conflicting system, as well – the Sexual Inhibition System (or SIS). The triggers for a non-arousal response include things like sleep deprivation, anxiety, and a sense of obligation. These are all things that, naturally, turn us off and make us not want sex. Many of these triggers have nothing to do with the sex, but will still weigh against the outcomes.

Nagoski offered a small hack for people struggling to get through this problem, though. Whereas most people may think that activating more of the SES triggers (turn-ons) will improve the chances for sex, this is not scientifically proven to have any benefit. On the other hand, decreasing the number of SIS triggers (turn-offs) has been found to have a much greater effect on a person’s sex drive and overall sense of arousal.

Moral of the story: If you want to put your girlfriend in the mood, you should make sure to put her mind at ease first!


2.    Responsive Desire vs. Spontaneous Desire

Emily continued to explain two terms that help define the type of arousal a person can feel: Responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire refers to desire that comes about out of nowhere – such as when you’re suddenly in the mood, with seemingly no provocation. Responsive desire refers to desire that is set into motion in response to specific sexual stimulation, such as when your partner kisses on your neck.

In most clinical contexts, spontaneous desire is considered to be the “default”. Spontaneous desire is a normal and healthy arousal style, which may result in a higher sex drive. Often those with spontaneous desires will want to experience sex in more contexts, and may have been told by previous partners that they were hypersexualized.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is clinically medicalized as “low desire”, despite being a completely normal and healthy arousal style. Those with responsive desire may prefer their sexual scenarios to be more detail-oriented, although they often have a less frequent desire for sex. The insecurity over their low sex drive may be a trigger for their SIS (as referenced in section 1, above).

While both are completely normal and healthy, society may condition the “spontaneous” partner to feel rejected while the “responsive” partner is conditioned to think that there’s something wrong with them. But both of these are wrong, according to Emily. “The idea that a functioning sexual desire requires wanting sex out of the blue is bullshit.” This is good news for couples who have fallen out of sync!

Emily advises couples to introduce more non-sexual touching and communication into their relationships, among other suggestions. Rather than looking at your lack of sex as a separate problem, remember that it’s the culminating result of other problems – and focus on fixing those. You will learn which triggers are the worst for your partner, and help her resolve those.

Moral of the story: Emily says. “If you have more physical affection, more trust, more caring, less worry and stress, and less performance pressure, you’ll actually start to respond more readily and have more instances of spontaneous desire.”


3.    Arousal Nonconcordance

The third scientific expression that Emily went over was arousal nonconcordance, which is when your mind and your body just don’t agree. We anticipate a genital response when stimulating our partners, but scientifically speaking, the agreement of the biologically female body is often around 10%.

This can result in women being incredibly wet, without the slightest arousal – or “dry as a bone” (in Emily’s words) and mentally ready to go. It’s important that you listen to what your partner is saying in these cases, because her mouth is controlled by her conscious mind, whereas her body is controlled by her unconscious mind.

This shouldn’t stand in the way of a healthy sexual relationship, though – it should only be used as motivation for the two of you to communicate. When you and your partner have the freedom to discuss your desires with one another, it makes it easier for both of you to differentiate between desire and biological response.

Moral of the story: Talk to your partner – her vagina doesn’t always know what it’s talking about.


4.    Meta-Emotions

Whenever I hear the term “meta”, I always think that whatever follows it is going to be something super technological and futuristic. If you get that impression, too, don’t worry – meta-emotions are simply the way you feel about your emotions. Your mood in response to your mood, if you will.

Many relationship problems are a direct result of different styles of affection. One partner might feel that their partner is being emotionally dismissive, but the dismissive partner is actually unaware that there’s a problem in the first place. This can be tricky, because not everyone fully understands the complexity of romantic affection style differences, and some are bound to conflict with one another.

The solution here is to not take your partner’s emotions so personally, but do give them the attention they deserve. If you have a solid understanding of each other’s affection styles, you can try to apply them and find a balanced solution that works for you.

One of the most important things to remember about emotions is that the way you respond to them directly relates to how you handle the problem. In other words, it’s fine to feel bad about something – but you have to accept that you feel bad about it in order to work towards a solution. If you are too busy feeling bad about feeling bad, you can’t possibly fix the problem itself.

Moral of the story: If you’re not trying to fix it, you’re not allowed to complain about it. Complaining and self-doubt are self-fulfilling prophecies that keep you from finding happiness.


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9 New Moves to Add to Your Solo Sex Routine

The subject of female masturbation isn’t the easiest to talk about. It can become easy to just assume that everyone does the same thing, and leave it at that. I think we all do generally fall into one of only a few categories when it comes to playing with ourselves, but the reality is that there is so much more you could be doing.

The truth is that, chances are, the best sex you’ll have will be with yourself – but only if you give it the chance to be. If you do the same thing every time, you’re likely to find it boring, and save it for a last-resort type thing. But if you put a little more dedication into your self-pleasuring sessions, you’ll see a huge difference in the power of your orgasms – and many of these tricks can be translated to your partner’s body, as well, for a more exciting experience.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a quick look at each of the main masturbation types and see which one you fall under, as well as a few new things to try.


Type A: The Skin-to-Skin Touchers

Women who prefer skin-to-skin masturbation are usually looking for something that doesn’t require a lot of planning beforehand. They don’t need any tools – just their hands and five minutes to rub one out. This is generally considered the “easiest” female masturbation technique, because it comes pretty naturally to anyone who enjoys clitoral stimulation.


Move #1: The Patty Cake

Instead of rubbing, try patting your clitoris. The different sensation will bring an entirely different feeling. Try listening to some soft music while you do it, and tap along with the rhythm. Once you are thoroughly aroused, you can use your fluids to help lubricate the area. It can be tempting to return to your typical routine – fight that urge, the build-up is worth it.

Wait until you’re just about to finish and then allow yourself to rub and bring yourself over the edge. When done properly, this should last a little while – and the orgasm at the end will be well deserved by the time you allow yourself to experience it!


Move #2: The Sandwich

For this particular technique, you’re going to imagine a sandwich. Your index and middle fingers are going to be the bread, and the hidden shaft of your clitoris is going to be the filling. You want to apply a gentle pressure to the clitoral area, without squeezing – you just want the gentle pressure to hold your clitoris in place when you rub it with the fingers of the other hand.

Once you begin to develop a rhythm with your rubbing (not too fast – we’re trying not to rush through it, remember!) you can begin to stroke the shaft of your clitoris with your “bread fingers”, while continuing to rub the outer button. It can take some work to master this one, but it’s definitely something you’ll love to learn!


Move #3: The Open-Faced Sandwich

Although this one sounds similar to Move #2, they couldn’t be more different. Where #2 focuses on the small details, the OFS focuses on the art of teasing. This art is often difficult to execute on yourself (and sometimes hard to execute with a partner, too!) but those who are able to restrain themselves will love this one.

For this move, use your outstretched palm (fingers apart) to rub your entire vaginal area, slowly and broadly. You will find yourself tempted to move in order to stimulate your clitoris – go with it! But don’t you dare use your fingers to directly stimulate – this move is all about teasing. After a while, you will probably find yourself bucking against the palm of your hand. Basically, you’re having a solo tribbing session. Those who enjoy being dominated will love that this move allows you to be your own master – leading to an intense, submissive orgasm.


Type B: The Water Players

For many women, their first time experiencing the pleasures of their own body probably happened in a bath tub, a shower, or a hot tub. The water offers a wonderful pressure without being too hard. (Well, unless you put the sprayer on too high.) If you haven’t tried all three methods, consider adding the rest to your repertoire. Note: Please don’t try any of these at public/community pools. Thank you!


Move #4: Blast Off

This method requires a pool, hot tub, or bath tub that has water jets in the sides. Please, use proper safety precautions to ensure that the water is not too hot. You will need to position yourself a short distance away from the jet, to start. If you are in a pool, you can probably stand about a foot back. For bath tubs and hot tubs, you may need to kneel.

Spread your legs apart and allow the higher-pressure water to press against your clitoris. If your body begs you to move closer, do! As you move closer you may also feel the urge to rock your hips – this can be a pleasurable way to find just the right spot, as you can’t actually move the jet itself. In time, the orgasm is inevitable. (With a partner, consider having her position herself against the jet while you penetrate her from behind!)


Move #5: Handheld Heaven

For those of you who have a massaging shower head but haven’t pleasured yourself with it yet – why not? Handheld Heaven requires that you take the showerhead off its post and position it close to your pubic area. The particular massage setting you use is a matter of personal preference – try experimenting with the different settings on your showerhead and see which one gets your heart pumping.

Once you start to get more into it, you can use your free hand to spread your vagina open to get a closer touch from the massager. If your shower has a step in it (or a tub that is a safe height), putting a leg up can help stimulate even further. Just make sure you don’t raise your water bill too high with all the extra time in the shower!


Move #6: Rubber Ducky

This can be a particularly relaxing experience, when done right. Start by filling your bathtub with just enough warm water to lay in. You can utilize bath salts, oils, and even fizzes to make for a more relaxing environment (just please make sure to use ones that are good for your body’s pH). Ease yourself into the water, with the faucet still slowly filling the tub. You should scoop up the relaxing water in your hands and sprinkle it onto your body – it should feel warm at first, and quickly cool to bring a delightful sensation. Pay particular attention to your nipples and tease yourself until you are thoroughly aroused.

Once you are ready, slide your body down until your clitoris is positioned underneath the running faucet, spreading your legs to allow it to stimulate you. Keep your hands off your entire pubic area – you should be moving your body against the water to bring yourself to orgasm. (You may choose to fondle your breasts.) If you can keep your hands off the whole time, the resulting orgasm will blow your mind!


Type C: The Prop Actors

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with using toys or other props to stimulate your sexual experience, even when you’re alone. Some women enjoy toys that replicate a partner’s presence (such as a pillow to rub against) while other women prefer more “traditional” sex toys. Either way, the world of prop-driven solo time is open to all sorts of experimentation!


Move #7: The Shovel

For this particular move, you’re going to need a vibrating dildo that is intended for G-spot stimulation. (If you’re not sure what counts, G-spot toys generally have a sharp curve at the non-handle end.) It also requires that you be pre-lubricated, whether naturally or with the assistance of a high-quality lube.

You will need to penetrate yourself with the toy, making a “digging” motion against your G-spot. (It will be on top, if you are lying on your back, so it might take you a few tries to hit it – but you will definitely know when you do!) Alternate between this “digging up” and sliding the toy all the way out and rubbing your clitoris with it. Typically, a gentle (but not too soft) vibration is best for this technique. Don’t give into the temptation to give up on the G-spot – there’s a reason women strive for this type of orgasm!


Move #8: Dental Work

If you have an electric toothbrush (and a spare head for it – please don’t use the same one you brush your teeth with!), you can pleasure yourself with the spinning head. This vibration is much more intense than from a traditional vibrator, so we don’t recommend placing it directly on your sensitive clitoris. Instead, “brush” along the outside, allowing the indirect stimulation to bring a powerful feeling.

If you don’t have an electric toothbrush, or simply don’t like the idea of using it on your vagina, you can modify this routine to use a traditional vibrator. It won’t be going inside of you, so the small bullet-style vibrators work well for this. In this variation, you should be using a very gentle setting to pulse your vagina – remember, we’re going for indirect stimulation here. The feeling won’t be exactly the same as if you use the toothbrush, but you won’t be faced with the awkwardness of trying to remember if you switched the heads back.


Move #9: Playstation

Although this move is best suited to a vibrating game controller (such as Playstation or Xbox), it can also be done with a cell phone – anything not typically “sexual” that vibrates. You will, of course, need to make it vibrate – many shooting games will vibrate when your player is killed, or you could have someone text your phone after you’ve positioned it. There is a certain level of anticipation involved with this move, as often it’s difficult to control the vibration, without moving the object that vibrates.

However, if you are able to find a way that gets the controller to vibrate at somewhat regular intervals, you may find that the suspense of having the vibration stop before you’re finished with it builds the excitement. Every time the vibration starts, you know it’s going to end – and when it begins vibrating again, it’s intense and pleasurable.

What’s Your Weirdest Lesbian Sex Experience?

Have you ever finished having sex with someone and immediately started to wonder, WTF was that?! I know I have. It’s not something we’re proud of (usually), but sometimes in the nitty gritty moments of deep passion and hormones… Things get pretty weird.

If you think about it too hard, sex is sort of weird anyway. I mean, no two lesbians have exactly the same definition of where the line between “foreplay” and “sex” lies, no two lesbians have exactly the same interests (although, if you’ve found a partner who shares most of them, congratulations to you!).

What’s the weirdest experience you’ve ever had in the bedroom (or car, or shower, or wherever it happened!)? We want to hear about it! If you’re brave, you can share it in the comments – but those who are shy can share it anonymously through our contact page.


My Weirdest Lesbian Sex Story

It wouldn’t be fair if I asked for your stories and wasn’t willing to share one of my own, so here’s one of my strangest stories. Enjoy!

Several years ago, through a chain of circumstances, I ended up homeless for a short time. I wasn’t sleeping on the streets or anything like that (thankfully) but I was bouncing around from couch to couch, staying with whatever friends could take me in for a day or two. It was pretty rough, but thankfully I had a lot of good friends and family who were able to help me out.

For about a week, I was staying with one of my best friends. He lived with his mom, and he hadn’t exactly gotten permission from her for me to stay there. She liked me enough, and it’s not like I was eating all her food or anything, I just needed somewhere to sleep. So I’d sneak in after she went to bed, and I’d be out before she left for work in the morning.

Well, once or twice, I came back during the daytime, while she was gone at work. One time in particular, my friend’s girlfriend happened to be there – in a vinyl nurse outfit. I’d never really been into that sort of thing, but there are some things that you come around to when they’re standing right in front of you, if you catch my drift.

Now, generally, I consider friends’ girlfriends to be off limits. Same goes with the exes of friends or family members. No judgment on those who do it, but it’s not my thing.

Well, this was the one exception.

My friend, much to my surprise, actually gave the OK – he had given his girlfriend permission to seduce me. Now, I’m not really into having an audience, either, but this was one of those “when am I really going to have that chance again?” type of moments – so I went for it. I agreed to be her mistress!

As for my best friend, he didn’t video tape it. He didn’t join in. He didn’t comment. He just watched.

If you’ve never had an audience before, let me tell you… That’s a strange experience.

But I think it worked out pretty well, all things considered… And it’s something that I can say that I’ve done.

I’d probably never do it again – but just the one experience was enough for me.


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Release Your Inner Dominatrix: 6 Steps to Leading the Way

It’s a pretty popular opinion that your sex life should be… Well, sexy. There are a million different things this could mean, of course, but most women agree that an exchange of power happens in really good sex. Whether it’s one person taking complete control over the other person or a more balanced exchange, power is sexy – and this dominance in the bedroom is a fun way to play with the idea.

But sometimes, the balance of “who’s in control” can get a little… Dull.

When we do the same thing every time, it gets boring, so we need to find new ways to get our thrills.

When we think of our sexual relationships, it’s often seen as “unladylike” to be the one to initiate things. In a lesbian relationship this can create even more complications: It’s not unheard of to have two “femmes” in a relationship, nor is it unlikely that a stud could have less experience than a more feminine woman. Whether it’s assumed that you will take the lead, or it’s implied that your partner will – everyone has the power to take charge in the bedroom and be a sexy, erotic beast.

It can be quite an adjustment to go from the submissive role to the role of the aggressor, or the other way around, but if you’re looking to add a little extra to your play, it’s almost essential that you mix it up sometimes.

Here are our tips for your first time taking control of the situation!


1.    Figure out why it’s so hard for you.

Some women have a hard time taking control because they’re shy. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a great sex life, but it does present a slight problem if you want to take control. If you think you’re too shy to take control in the bedroom, you’ll need to evaluate why you lack the self-confidence in this department. (From here on out, we’ll refer to you as Group A.)

Some women buy into the whole “dominance isn’t ladylike” myth, and they think that it won’t be sexy. The fact of the matter is that this mindset is perpetuated by a patriarchal society, which – although usually polite towards feminine, ladylike girls –doesn’t generally respect them. Who’s to say you can’t be a nice girl and still enjoy hot, dirty sex? (We’ll call you ladies Group B.)

A third set of women are the ones who are simply used to being pursued, instead of doing the pursuing. That’s not a bad thing – especially if you’re here looking for advice on how to mix it up. You’ll need to decide what you think will be so different about taking control, as opposed to having your partner call the shots. Most of the time, it won’t be much different if you and your partner enjoy the same things. (Our “Pillow Princesses” will make up Group C.)

Finally, the last group of women is made up of those who are just inexperienced with sex in general, so they feel it may be best to let their partner lead the way. There’s nothing wrong with letting your partner show you the ropes, but if you have a firm understanding of the things that turn you on, you can still take control – even if you’re a virgin. (Ladies, you’ll be Group D for the remainder of this article.)


2.    Think about the things you like.

These don’t necessarily have to be things that you’ve tried – some of the fun of sex is experiencing new things, and if it’s a first for you and your partner (or if it’s something you already know she enjoys), why not give it a shot?

For Group A, it might be helpful to think of your “dominatrix” personality as the way to release all the tension and frustration that you would otherwise keep bottled up. There are many shy women who can transform into the sexiest vixens once they learn how to take control.

For Group B, this requires looking a little further than what your society and culture tells you that you should like. The most helpful way to take control without feeling like it makes you “unladylike” is to think of it as your dirty little secret. No one on earth has to know except you and your partner – and that can make it extra sexy.

For Group C, you may be interested in being in control purely because it represents something new, or maybe it’s something your partner has requested. Either way, you should try to focus on the pleasure you will be bringing to your partner – most women who take control are very aroused by the idea of making their partner beg for something they usually get without asking (so to speak). My friends in this category should consider this an opportunity to tease their partner, and themselves, before allowing the roles to “switch back” to their normal routine.

For Group D, you probably won’t know the things you enjoy yet – but that’s okay. Think about the thoughts that cross your mind when you touch yourself, and try to do those things to your partner. It won’t always be easy, but she should let you know if she’s enjoying herself – whether with her words or with her body.


3.    Avoid any surprises, if possible.

For all of my ladies reading this, it might be difficult to bring this subject up with your partner – but I assure you, it’s important that you talk it over first. There is always a chance that your partner doesn’t even want you to take control, or that she has some pointers for you. Your sexual experience is just as much about her as it is about you, after all, so it’s important that you know she’s on board with the idea too.

Group A – Talking about sex can be particularly nerve wracking for those of us who are super shy. Personally, I have a really hard time talking about what I want in the bedroom until I’m actually in the moment – so I save my sex talk for the middle of an “encounter”, or while I’m coming down from the climax afterwards. This is a time when your mind is already opened up to the idea of sex, so there’s no awkwardness about bringing it up.

Group B – Some of us may have been taught that it wasn’t right for “ladies” to talk about sex, and maybe even that “proper gentlemen” didn’t bring it up, either. It’s important to un-learn that idea when in the confines of a relationship, though – if you don’t talk about your sex life, it’s going to be horrible. Ladies and gentlewomen alike should feel free to talk about sex with their partner, because making sure your partner is happy? That’s always a respectable choice.

Group C – As I mentioned in the intro to this step, some women really aren’t into the idea of being pursued – and these are usually the women who pursue the “Pillow Princess” type in the first place. It’s possible that she experienced some abuse in the past and has issues associated with being touched – it’s vital that you know this before you proceed. Of course, some women pursue because that’s what’s expected of them, and they are usually willing to try being on the receiving end if it’s offered. The point is, you don’t know until you ask.

Group D – As long as your partner knows that you’re inexperienced (can we all vow to stop lying about our sexual history in 2016?) she should totally understand when you tell her you want to try taking control. She’ll probably give you some pointers, if she’s more experienced than you, or if she’s equally inexperienced, you two will have the chance to learn together. Just make sure you’ve got her permission first!


4.    Take your time.

In love and sex, there are no guarantees, and there are no one-size-fits-all timelines. If you’re not ready, there is no reason to push forward – and any partner who isn’t willing to respect your decision to wait is really not worth your time. (But that’s another story for another day.)

For the shy group, your partner knows you’re shy – and she most likely knows that it was difficult for you to get the courage to bring it up in the first place. You shouldn’t rush into the act of taking control until you’re sure you’re ready. (But be advised, there is never a “perfect time” – you have to create it.)

For the conservative group, the easiest time to take control might be in the middle of sex. It seems silly, but there’s something empowering about “taking over” in the middle of the act. Once you’re more comfortable with this idea, you can start unleashing your Sex Goddess mode from the beginning instead.

For the pillow princesses, your partner may give you hints about the things she likes – don’t try to rush into doing them all at once. If you’ve never given any sexual attention, consider starting with something simple like grabbing a handful of her hair while she’s going down on you. In time, you’ll probably open up more, but take it at your own pace.

For the inexperienced group, there should be no rush to try everything all at once. Introduce one or two small things at a time, and only add more when you’re comfortable with it. Rushing through all possible sexual experiences will only desensitize you to the simple things!


5.    Prepare.

Mentally prepare. Physically prepare. Get a costume if you’d like. Taking control of a situation you’ve never been in control of is almost like taking on a new character. Play it up and make it work for you!

For my shy girls in Group A, consider adding something simple, like a blindfold. This might help ease your shyness, as your partner won’t be able to see what you’re doing – and you’ll feel assured that she can’t see you blushing!

For the conservative types in Group B, we recommend going all out with a costume, and maybe even handcuffs for your partner. By creating your own alter-ego who is this hyper-sexual creature, you can separate yourself (out of the bedroom) from yourself (in the bedroom). This separation can alleviate any signs of guilt from doing something “taboo”. (Although you really shouldn’t feel guilty about the things you enjoy in the first place!)

To my princesses in Group C, it might be that you’re not used to not being stimulated during sexual activities – but rest assured, there are ways around this, as well. You can take control without being strictly a “giver” – either by sitting on your partner’s face in a traditional 69 position (and then pleasuring her as well), by sitting on a strap-on that she’s wearing (if you like penetration), or even by wearing the strap-on yourself (if she likes penetration). Many strap-ons offer a vibrating function that feels absolutely incredible, and helps to add “positive reinforcement” to the art of giving your partner pleasure.

For my inexperienced lovers in Group D, most of your preparation will be mental. As I said previously, there is no good reason to rush into every single sexual experience right away – and the easiest way to start taking control is to think of where your mind wanders. Does the thought of going down on her turn you on, or maybe the thought of using toys? There are no wrong answers here, as you are still exploring your own desires. If your partner has given you her own tips or requests, it’s always a good idea to try these things – as long as they’re something you’re comfortable with, too.


6.    Go for it!

No matter which group you’re in, go for it! The only way to know if it’s something that gets your juices flowing is to try it. You’ve mapped out the perfect plan, now set your plan into motion and reap the wonderful, pleasurable benefits. You’ve earned it!


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10 Sex Positions You And Your Lady Need To Try In 2016

The beginning of the year is an obvious time to make some changes in your life. We make goals to get more organized, to be more productive, to spend more time with our family… Why not make a goal to have better sex this year?

We’ve searched far and wide to find some new sex positions to try out – here are the best ones we found!


The Laconic Lounger

Difficulty: Super Easy

What to do: The receiving partner should lie on her back, supported by two pillows (or a medium sex cushion). The giving partner will kneel between her legs and slowly circle her clit. She may choose to fondle her partner with her free hand, or she might decide that kissing and teasing is a better idea!

Why we like it: It’s simple, fairly universal, and can be done by partners of any size.


The Tire Swing

Difficulty: Super Easy

What to do: Partner A should be seated (in a chair or against a wall). Partner B will sit in her lap, back to chest. If Partner B can move her hips around to stimulate the vulva, this is great! Both partners should finger each other or themselves – or take turns!

Why we like it: Mutual masturbation is a fun way to spice things up, and the skin contact while you’re doing it adds extra pleasure.


The Espresso

Difficulty: Still Pretty Easy

What to do: Both partners should be kneeling, facing each other. Intertwine your knees, so that each of you has a thigh against the other’s clit. Then, grind your bodies against each other while you kiss and tease each other’s bodies. It might be a bit intense for some, but for those who love intimate sex, this one’s a sure winner.

Why we like it: This gives you the pleasure of making out, tribbing, and skin-to-skin contact all in one – and we bet it’s a steamy way to get things started!


The Breast Enhancer

Difficulty: Still Pretty Easy

What to do: The receiving partner should be in a seated position, preferably against a wall (for stability). The giving partner will kneel between her lover’s legs and lean forward, such that each partner’s nipples will be stimulated by the nipples of the other partner. Then, using your fingers or that new toy you got for Christmas, rub her clit gently – teasing is the key with this one!

Why we like it: Nipple play seems to get overlooked a lot, and this move gives it the attention it rightly deserves – without being rough or slobbery.


The Bad Cop

Difficulty: Not Hard, But Requires Props

What to do: This is going to be another modified doggy style position. The receiving partner will be face down with her bum in the air. If she prefers a gentler experience, give her a pillow for under her head. The giving partner should handcuff or otherwise bind her, and penetrate her from behind with a strap-on. For the ladies that like it extra rough, this position is great for spanking, or for covering the receiving partner’s mouth so she can’t make a sound… Just make sure your partner is OK with this type of play first!

Why we like it: Hey, the new year is all about getting things under control – and the giver has complete control with this one.


The Spider

Difficulty: Not Hard, But Requires Props

What to do: The giving partner will be seated in a chair, wearing a strap-on. The receiving partner will bring herself over the top, facing her partner’s body in the chair. Making out, neck kissing, and clit rubbing are all encouraged.

Why we like it: This has the potential to lead to a steamy session – and it’s always fun to get it on in the dining room.


The Wicked Warm-Up

Difficulty: Easy, With Practice

What to do: The giving partner will be kneeling on the floor. The receiving partner should stand in front of her, and then drape one leg over the giver’s shoulder. This can make it difficult to find your balance, so make sure you have a wall to lean against if you think you’ll need it. The giving partner will then orally please her standing partner – try sucking on the lower abdomen (above the pubis) for extra teasing power.

Why we like it: This year, we want to have more exciting sex – so we’re taking it out of the bed. This standing position seems so steamy and exciting.


The Rocket

Difficulty: Easy, With Practice

What to do: The giving partner will be lying on her back, in a comfortable position. The receiving partner will kneel over her face, with her legs over her partner’s shoulders. (This works best if the larger partner is the one lying down, but with practice you can make it work regardless of size differences.) If the receiving partner is able to reach back and stimulate the giving partner’s breasts with her hands, this is even better.

Why we like it: Because we’ve decided that 2016 is the year we focus on mutual stimulation – and this position lets the receiving partner stimulate, too!


The Double Duty

Difficulty: Moderate

What to do: For this position, there is no dedicated giver and receiver. Partner A should be in a modified doggy style position with her pelvis in the air and her knees straightened slightly. (Feet together as best you can!) Partner B will straddle Partner A’s outstretched legs, rubbing herself against them for clitoral stimulation, while also stimulating Partner A orally. This definitely works best if Partner A is taller, but if Partner B is not able to make this one work, she can use her fingers instead of her tongue.

Why we like it: Mutual stimulation – and tribbing is always good in my book!


The Maypole

Difficulty: Tricky

What to do: Both partners will be standing for this one. Face each other, from a comfortable (but intimate) distance. Each of you should wrap your left leg around the other so that your bodies are intertwined. Hold each other close while you each rub the other’s clit. (You can use your fingers or a vibrator, according to your preference.) It may take a while to build your stability with this one, but it’s so worth it once you do.

Why we like it: Intimacy, excitement, and the potential for tribbing/mutual masturbation all in the same position? Yes, please.


Got any suggestions of your own for the KitschMix family? Share them in the comments!

Our Top 10 Sex Positions For Lesbians

We’re often looking for just the right routine to give us that spark back. Luckily, this year has shown quite a bit of exciting new moves – many of which are super simple! If you need a little reminder of some of our best discoveries, keep reading for a recap.


10. Joystick

Joystick

This position offers the excitement of a new routine (and even props!) without forcing you to buy anything special. You can use any chair you have, as long as it’s big enough to seat both of you comfortably. (You will be on top of one another, so it doesn’t have to be anything giant.)

The partner who will be giving the pleasure will be seated in the chair, with one foot in front of her (so that her knee is propped up – see picture for clarification). The other partner will climb on top of the upright leg and begin to rub herself against it. She can lift her lover’s leg in order to maneuver things better, or she can just let the bottom partner take control.

This isn’t the sort of routine that will make your everyday routine, but if you’re looking to experiment with tribadism this is a good power position to try.


9. Rocking Horse

Rocking Horse

This position involves a strap-on, but the especially acrobatic can try it with a double-sided toy as well. The partner who is receiving will lie on her back with her legs in the air. At this point, the giving partner (wearing a strap-on) will slide herself under the legs of her lover and penetrate her with the toy.

If the partner wearing the strap-on wants to get a little deeper, all she has to do is lean forward. You can also consider caressing each other’s bodies, as you will be facing each other. To experience a tighter fit with the toy, the receiving partner can try putting both of her legs on the same shoulder. No matter how you mix it up, this position is sure to please!


8. Major Inspiration

Major inspiration

Okay, I’ll admit… I’m a bit of a watcher. Particularly when it comes to oral sex. I can’t help myself – I love to see the face of a woman enjoying herself. This position is perfect for that, as the receiving partner will prop herself up with a few pillows so she’s got a good angle to observe from.

Even if you’re not into watching, this position is great because the arched position of the back leads to stronger, greater orgasms – it’s science!


7. The Spoon

Spoons

This has been a personal favorite of mine for a very long time, because it offers the warmth and closeness of cuddling with the undeniable pleasure of… Well, getting laid! While you’re spooning your girlfriend, the “big spoon” will simply reach around to the front and start fondling and caressing as she desires.

If you want to spice it up even further, you can get a toy involved in the action – once the “little spoon” is nice and wet, the “big spoon” can scoot back a touch and slide in her favorite toy. This might be easier if the “little spoon” pivots her hips a bit to put her bum into the air. For those who enjoy deep penetration, the pleasure you get from this particular position is incredible.


6. Above Below

 

This happens to be one of my personal favorites, and for good reason. It’s different enough to add excitement without being difficult – and it definitely has potential to turn into a super sexy experience.

One partner should be lying on her stomach. Optionally, she can position a pillow underneath her hips and rub herself against it as she becomes more aroused. The other partner will lay on top of her so that she can rub up against her partner’s bum – while she offers a helping hand to her lover underneath, of course!

Once you get the hang of this one, you should both be able to climax – maybe even simultaneously! But there are no rules here. The partner on bottom can be stimulated however you desire, and if you’re keen on penetration, it’s especially divine.


5. Skin Deep

Skin deep

This foreplay position is a great when you want to take your partner by surprise. (Please make sure that she is OK with surprise sex first!) The partner who will be seducing the other will come up behind her while she is standing and start caressing in order to warm things up. Of course, this doesn’t have to stay one-sided for very long! Once the receiving partner is thoroughly aroused, she may decide to reach her hand back and stimulate the giver as well.

If your partner is into the idea, you can even consider penetrating her from behind with a strap-on or other toy, although this may be significantly more difficult – experiment and see what works for you!


4. 99

99

For another super simple position that will get the juices flowing, 99 relies on the sexy feeling of your partner’s body pressed against yours while you’re making love. But instead of lying down or standing up, both partners will be on their knees.

You and your partner should be sitting back-to-front, so that you must both reach past the front partner’s hips. It doesn’t matter who is giving, who is receiving, or if you’re both doing both – this position is a great way to tease and tantalize.


3. Face to Face

Face to Face

This is a super sexy position for those among us who like to watch what our partner does to us (but don’t want to miss out on the fun of making her moan). Not only do you get to watch her turn you on, but you also get to watch the faces she makes as she touches you!

You’ll be sitting face to face with your partner, with your legs draped over one another to allow for a better angle. It works easiest if neither of you is “on top” of both legs – this way your vagina will be slightly lifted from the floor or bed (if you will be penetrating). With either a double-ended dildo, two separate dildos, or your hands, go to town – nothing is off limits as long as your partner enjoys it!

Pay special attention to her face during this position, because you might see signs of pleasure you haven’t noticed before. This is great for intimacy and with the right toy it can be a supercharged experience that’s sure to ignite the fire within.


2. Magic Touch

Magic Touch

This one is for the ladies who have major finger skills – since you’ll be stimulating you and your partner simultaneously! The non-giving partner should be lying on her back, with her legs slightly spread. The other partner will climb on top and straddle her vagina. She should be able to use her fingers to rub both clits at the same time.

It’s not for the faint of heart, but with a little practice it will be one of the sexiest forms of “masturbation” in your repertoire. Not only does your partner get to watch you touch yourself, but you’re also directly stimulating her as well – talk about hot!


1. Stand and Deliver

Stand and Deliver

This position doesn’t require any special skills, tools, or any real prerequisites (except that the partner who’s going to be receiving should be able to stand). It’s the ideal position for shower sex, sex against a wall, or maybe even a quickie in the kitchen!

The receiving partner will need to stand in front of the giving partner. She’ll be most comfortable if she’s up against a wall or some other solid surface, but those who are more versed in sex standing up can even do it in the middle of a room.

The giving partner will either sit or kneel in front of her lover and provide whatever type of pleasure she wants – oral, fingering, or a toy even (or any combination). It’s pretty basic, but it can add a fun new level to your intimacy.


There are literally hundreds (if not thousands!) of amazing sex positions out there, and we are always looking out for something new and exciting. If you have something to recommend to us – don’t hesitate to drop it in the comments!

We’ll be keeping our eyes out, too – here’s hoping 2016 brings a wealth of exciting new techniques for you and your lady to master together. Take care of yourselves, and each other!


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What’s The Difference Between Top and Bottom, and How Can You Tell?

Recently, we watched a video that details the questions that new lesbians might want to know: What is a top, what is a bottom, and how can you tell which one someone is?

Well, for the most part, people switch it up – but that doesn’t mean that everyone does.

There are definitely full-tops (also called a stone top, or sometimes stone butch), and there are full-bottoms (also called stone bottoms or pillow princesses).

But really it’s a little deeper than that.


What is a top?

A top in a relationship is typically the more dominant one, and a stone top would be someone who does not like to receive sexual pleasure – only give it. These women are typically on the more masculine side of the spectrum, but this is definitely not a rule.

Two tops together won’t work out sexually because neither one wants to be the “receiver” – and therefore they’ll be stuck in a type of competition over who can top the other. Of course, most tops aren’t dead-set on it, and will in fact compromise. But if your partner expresses a lack of interest in bottoming, it’s best not to push it.

There are also submissive tops, although this is less common (and in some cases indicates that the woman is actually “a switch”). A submissive top will likely want her partner to tell her to “top” her, and she’ll get pleasure from being told what to do.


nice-lesbian-image-000162

What is a bottom?

A bottom is usually the more submissive one, and the term “pillow princess” is used to describe someone who never gives her partner sexual stimulation. She would prefer to receive only, and she’ll probably be upset if you expect her to return the favor.

Two bottoms together won’t work out so well in a relationship, either, because neither one wants to be the one to give pleasure. Just like with tops, there is a potential for compromise, but you need to listen to your partner and determine if you’re sexually compatible.

Just like there are submissive tops, there are dominant bottoms (and the woman who created this informative video describes herself as one). Dominant bottoms like receiving pleasure, but they enjoy the sexual thrill of telling their partner what to do to them.


What is a switch?

Most lesbians are considered “switches”, which simply means that they switch between a top and a bottom depending on a variety of factors. Someone can switch between topping and bottoming with the same partner, or they could vary their approach depending on the partner they’re with, or they could even do both in the same sitting. For switches, this type of activity is often fun.

It’s important to note that most lesbians consider themselves switches, whether they use that term or not. A switch feels that the best way to get the full experience out of their sex is to both give and receive. They may lean one way or the other (our video buddy considers herself a bottom-leaning switch) but they will still receive pleasure from either role in the sexual experience.

Switches are considered sexually compatible with anyone, top or bottom, although they will probably get the fullest experience if they are with someone who complements their own preferences. That is, a switch who prefers to evenly top and bottom will do best with someone the same; a switch who prefers to top will do best with one who prefers to bottom; and, likewise, one who prefers to bottom will do best with one who prefers to top.

Just like with many other aspects of human sexuality, it’s a spectrum. Not everyone will fall at one end or the other, or exactly in the middle. In fact, most people won’t!


How do you tell the difference?

The easiest and most obvious answer here is to ask her. This seems like it could be awkward, and maybe it is. But if you’re not ready to talk about the specifics of sex, you’re not actually ready for sex. Whether we admit it or not, sex with someone is a huge commitment, as we are giving them our body – which we can never fully get back.

Furthermore, it’s not really that awkward because, if you’re not already planning to have sex with someone, it’s really none of your business whether they’re a top or a bottom – and if they want you to know, they’ll let you know without the need to ask.

Far too often these days, we think that we deserve to know the intricacies of someone’s sex life. Really, we don’t. You asking an acquaintance what their sexual preferences are is no different than one of your acquaintances asking you, and most likely you’d be offended by the questions. Why should we assume that anyone else feels differently?

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Do You Need To Be A “Lipstick Lesbian” To Be Considered A Femme?

When we think about our lesbian labels, there is an endless list of possibilities for what a woman may consider herself. In this article, we’ll be focusing on the labels that fall at the more feminine side of the spectrum – generally grouped as “femmes”.

Although “femme” seems to be a pretty specific label in itself, the truth is that it covers a wide array of different characteristics and attributes. Sometimes, these areas overlap, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s important to realize that if your girlfriend is more feminine, that doesn’t automatically mean she’ll be into heels and makeup.


Stem Lesbians

I like to classify stems as falling into the “more feminine” category because, unlike tomboys, they tend to portray themselves as feminine a bit more of the time – or at least present their feminine characteristics alongside their masculine aesthetic.

Stems tend to not particularly care whether they are taken as masculine or feminine. They may have a diverse background which covers regions from playing with dolls (which most likely meant at least one of their dolls was a lesbian, let’s face it) to watching hockey and Nascar. They don’t care about your gender roles, and they’ll do what they want – not what society wants them to do.

Most of the stems I’ve found myself involved with were willing to modify their appearance to suit the tastes of their partners (if their partner had a preference). For some stems who are attracted to other stems, this may mean “balancing each other out” – if one is dressed girly, the other may dress more masculine to compensate. However, this is not necessarily the case, and it’s important to realize that your girlfriend’s preferred way to dress is just as important as (if not more important than) how you’d like her to dress.

With stems, you often get an androgynous “stud” look – that is, you can’t pin whether they are masculine or feminine. For those who are attracted to stems, this can be incredibly sexy, as you’re not as able to pin them into a certain category.


Femme Lesbians

With femmes, they typically present themselves as feminine, but this doesn’t necessarily mean dresses, skirts, and heels. Sure, they feel more comfortable in yoga pants than basketball shorts, but they’re not necessarily going to spend two hours on their hair and makeup. Instead, these things are reserved for “special occasions”.

Femmes are often referred to as “chapstick lesbians” – they take their feminine appearance seriously, but they don’t necessarily care about makeup and the top fashion trends. They want to be considered attractive to their partner, but they want it to be because of who they are – not what they’re wearing. And some days, your femme girlfriend may just really want to dress in sweats and your baggy t-shirts. (This should be encouraged!)

Typically, femme lesbians prefer things that could be considered “cute”. While this isn’t exclusive to femmes, their appearance usually reflects this preference. For example, she may wear shorts and form-fitting clothing in the summer time, and perhaps some skinny jeans and a fitted blouse in the winter time. It’s more important to her that her partner finds her attractive than the people outside of her relationship.


Lipstick Lesbians

These are the girliest of all the lesbians, and the ones most likely to be mistaken for a straight girl. They spend a great deal of time on their appearance, and aren’t likely to wear the same outfit to a similar event. That cute sun dress she wore to your birthday party? She probably won’t wear it to another party again – it’ll get demoted to beach wear soon.

Lipstick lesbians gained the name from their affinity for makeup. She probably subscribes to makeup tutorial channels on YouTube, and she probably likes getting her hair done. She also likes dresses and nice shoes – in fact, she might not even own any pants!

That being said, one can be a “lipstick lesbian” without even owning a single dress. Since it’s more about the effort she puts into her appearance, her focus will probably be more in line with her body than her clothes. After all, you can certainly look feminine without being in a dress or a skirt – it’s about how you style yourself.


 

The descriptions in this article are definitely very loose, and every woman has the right to pick her own label – something that reflects how she feels about herself and how she would like others to think of her.

In some cases, the right label may be “no label” – and there’s nothing wrong with that! We at KitschMix think that what’s most valuable is who you are on the inside – and you’re wonderful just the way you are.

Butch vs. Femme: The Ultimate Misconceptions

For the entirety of my life, I have been caught somewhere between a girly-girl and a tomboy. I love the idea of getting dressed up in makeup and high heels, but I’m more likely to throw on a tank top and a pair of sweats. In fact, until recently, I joked that I didn’t know how to be a girl – wearing makeup made me feel like a drag queen, despite having no inkling of a desire to transition.

That being said, the labels of “femmes” and “studs” themselves can carry a bit of a stereotype around them. Just as with all stereotypes out there, just because it’s “sometimes true” doesn’t make it the rule. I’ve had the chance to be with both studs and femmes, as well as the chance to be both labels – and I have determined that the most common myths are as follows:


Myth #1: Studs don’t have feelings.

Sure, some studs may bottle up their emotions because they have a tough outer image they feel the need to portray. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have any emotions. It just means that they think their image requires them to hide them. If you’re dating a stud, it’s important that you let her know that you care about how she thinks and feels – she doesn’t have to be “the man” all the time.

Which brings us to:


Myth #2: Studs want to be men.

The topic of transition comes up a lot these days, because it’s getting a lot of media attention. However, not every stud wants to transition into a man. Those who do will usually be in a state of pre-transition already, and probably won’t be seeking out someone who identifies them as a woman.

It’s not about how you appear, it’s about how you identify – which is exactly the same reason a “trans woman” is not the same thing as a “drag queen”.


Myth #3: Femmes are really bisexual.

This is a tough one, because both feminine lesbians and bisexual women are considered invisible by both the common media and the lesbian community. We perpetuate this idea that if a woman looks or seems straight, she must be. It’s 2015 – there is a difference!


Myth #4: Studs can’t be bisexual.

Honestly, I was with a stud for a while who prided herself on being “the gayest of the gay”. However, she wasn’t really; once we were together, she confessed a strong desire to have sex with men.

There’s nothing wrong with that, really (except that she did it while we were in a relationship), but because of the way she presented herself, she thought she wouldn’t be taken seriously if she was honest about her desires.

I’ll say it again: It’s not about how you appear, it’s about how you identify.


Myth #5: Femmes are helpless.

When a woman is keen to take advantage of the gender roles prescribed to her by society, we are inclined to think that she fits into a predetermined box. That’s usually not the case. I know very few women who are actually helpless, and one thing I’ve learned is that the way they dress is no indicator of what they’re capable of.


Myth #6: Studs can only date femmes, or vice versa.

This is another symptom of (outdated) gender roles. When we apply restrictions to who we can date simply based on what we look like, we are limiting ourselves the possibility of finding true love.

That’s not to say that you can’t prefer someone with a different label than yourself – but you are in no way forced to go with what society expects from you.

In my case, I prefer women who fall in between categorizations – but my current relationship is with a stud. Do we get funny looks when we’re both dressed in more masculine clothing? Perhaps, but that doesn’t matter. Your relationship shouldn’t be about making other people happy – it’s about making yourself happy.


Myth #7: You can’t change your label once you’ve decided on one.

This is complete rubbish. I know plenty of women who have changed labels at some point in their life. It’s not unheard of, or even uncommon – but we get this idea in our head that we’re “stuck” with whatever we’ve decided.

Do you still wear the same clothes you did when you were a teenager? Probably not.

Sometimes your style changes as you age. Your choice in the kind of clothes you wear says very little about your actual personality. But if your personality changes, you can always change your wardrobe to reflect that.


Myth #8: Femmes would prefer to “receive” in bed, while studs would prefer to “give”.

Someone’s choice of apparel has very little (if anything) to do with who and how they are outside of their clothes. We definitely hear of more femmes who are “pillow princesses”, and more studs who are “stone butches”, but that’s not a concrete fact – it’s just what gets represented. Surely, most women prefer to both give and receive – although not necessarily in equal amounts.

The same can be true for straight women and bisexuals; it has nothing to do with your orientation, or your style, or anything other than your desires.


Myth #9: Studs are abusive toward their partners.

A few years ago, I actually heard this from a friend. She asked me, “Why do I always hear about some femme letting their stud beat on them?” and I was completely taken aback.

I had simply been sharing with her about my previous experience with an abusive ex – but I never mentioned that the ex was a stud. Why do we tend to jump to the idea that only studs can be abusive?

I think this goes hand-in-hand with the myth that femmes are helpless. It’s not really a fair assumption, when you think about it. The truth is, anyone has the capability to be abusive. It’s not about your style, or your mannerisms, or your orientation.

It deals with mental health issues that may be undiagnosed, or in some cases it’s a temper problem. Simply wearing basketball shorts and sports bras doesn’t make you want to hit your girlfriend.


Myth #10: Studs can only be friends with other studs (and femmes with femmes).

This is ridiculous. If that were really the case, who could us label-free lesbians be friends with? I have friends who fall on both sides of the spectrum, and a fair amount of friends who straddle the line right there with me.

There’s no rule anywhere that says that your label defines who you can be friends with.

I think this one goes along with the idea of who studs and femmes are “allowed” to date, and it’s equally ridiculous.

If you limit yourself on who you can be friends with, you may be missing out on a wonderful opportunity – shouldn’t you base it on something more important than the clothes you decide to wear?


Myth #11: Studs can’t be “girly” sometimes.

My girlfriend, the biggest stud I know, loves The Notebook and is afraid of spiders. Need I say more?

The idea that you have to fit completely within a label has never made any sense to me. After all, we define our own labels – what right does someone else have to say that you’re not “you” enough for them?


Myth #12: Femmes have to be the “wifey” type.

Your relationship should be a partnership. Just because your girlfriend “looks” like a wifey, doesn’t mean that she has to be solely responsible for maintaining the house and taking care of your kids (even if they’re only fur-babies). By the same token, this means that the “hubby” in the relationship doesn’t have to be the one who makes all the money.

If the traditional gender roles are what work in your relationship, great! But most of the time, the balance is shifted a bit, so that the partners will share equally the responsibilities of the household.

For example, I’d much rather spend all my time working than spend any real length of time cleaning. Does that mean that I “should be a stud” instead?

No, because I’m comfortable with who I am, and the balance of responsibility works for me and my girlfriend.

Your mileage may vary, but it’s really up to what you agree on.


What else?

Do you think there’s something I’ve missed? What myths and misconceptions have you heard pertaining to the different labels? Do you think I’m wrong about something? I’d love the chance to speak to you in the comments section about it. After all, this community represents all of us.

Growing Pains: 25 Problems Only Femme Lesbians Will Understand

Growing pains: 25 problems only femme lesbians will understand.


1. When people say you don’t look gay – Really? Not even when I’m having sex with women? I feel like that’s when I look my gayest.

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2. When people confuse your girlfriend for a friend or even worse a sibling.

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3. When people tell you you’re too pretty to be gay – because all straight people are attractive.

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4. When people (including other lesbians) say you’re just pretending to be gay.

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5. When people demand you to prove you’re gay.

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6. When guys think they can “turn” you.

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7. When other lesbians don’t recognise that you are a lesbian, so you constantly have to drop hints.

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8. When people just get so hung up on your sexual orientation, that’s all they want to discuss.

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9. When people assume your sexuality is something that’s just for men and not for you or your partner.

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10. When people think your dating life is easy.

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11. When you can’t tell your friends and family about your relationship problems, because they’ll just tell you to date men.

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12. When people assume you only like butch women.

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13. When you date butch women and people think it’s because you’re really into guys.

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14. When guys ask if they can watch – No, you can’t. No forever.

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15. When lesbians assume you’re manicure means you’re a safety hazard in bed.

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16. When apparently your label defines you.

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17. When you have “the talk” with your family and they point out the fact you wear dresses, which means you can’t be gay.

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18. When straight women think you’re hitting on them.

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19. Or when straight women think it’s perfectly ok to hit on you.

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20. Always having to make the first move in the bar and in the bedroom.

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21. When people assume you’re straight by default.

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22. When people ask you if you’re sure you like women – like really sure?!

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23. When people tell you you’re less of a lesbian because of the way you look.

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24. When you have to deal with the stereotype that femme lesbians are passive in bed.

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25. When you think you’re not lesbian enough, so feel the need to make changes.

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17 Subtle Things Femmes Do That Are Totally Sexy

We’re often prescribed a formula of what sexy is. But really, sex appeal comes in many different forms, and some are definitely subtler than others.

So we posed the question “What’s secretly sexy about women?” to a group of queer women and got a flurry of fascinating answers.


“An exposed back. Pow! The line down a woman’s back is one of the sexiest things in the world…”


“When they give you a single wink that no else sees.”

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“When girls have the messy hair. It’s kinda like you just got out of bed, but you could still go clubbing looking like that.”

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“You know what? I don’t like feet, but I really appreciate when a girl has pretty feet…”

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“Going to or coming from yoga is always a plus.”

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“When she butches it up by wear an oversized T-Shirt.”

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“Collar bones. They make me dreamy.”

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“I love when women put their hair up… I think it’s just super sexy.”

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“She’s in a sundress and it’s beautiful! And she’s probably not wearing anything else underneath the sundress. It’s flirtation in a piece of cloth.”

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“Love it, love it when women give me a hard time.”

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“A genuine thoughtfulness about other people is really attractive.”

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“Oh, if a girl can sing, that’s it for me.”

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“Their hands, and when they gesturing a lot – I’m mean a lot.”

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“Being comfortable and confident with their body. No matter what their size is.”

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“I don’t think the earlobes get enough credit.”


“I need a girl who’s equally as driven as me. I love Ms. Independent ‘cause she got her own.”

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“Baggy T-shirt, no bra. What? Don’t judge me”

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