Tag Archives: friendships

A Guide To Bi-Curious Experimenting

Sexuality is all about experimentation. How do you know whether you like something if you don’t try it?

Specifically, if you’re bi-curious, how do you actually test the waters?

DO admit that you could be queer and it’s not the end of the world.

If you’re bi-curious, own it. Don’t be ashamed. Maybe you could be bisexual. Maybe you could be homosexual. Say it out loud – to a friend or to a mirror – and you’ll realize that it’s not the end of the world. The prospect might even excite you a little.

DON’T try to make out with your lesbian friend.

Contrary to what straight people are led to believe, not every queer person is attracted to you. You know your lesbian friend? The super gay one who wears flannel and rocks a buzzcut and romances a different woman every night? Yes, that lesbian friend might not be into you.

Besides, even if she is into you, it’s a bad idea to mix your budding homosexual and homoromantic feelings with a friendship. Big no-no.

DO get on the apps, all the apps.

The best way to meet someone is in everyday life. But everyday life takes too long. You don’t have enough time to wait for your meet-cute with a beautiful woman in a quirky coffee shop, so help fate out by downloading everything. Tinder, Her, Bumble, OKCupid. Cast your net wide. Not every queer woman will be into a bicurious girl, so increase your odds by matching with every queer woman in your city at once.

DON’T hide the fact that this is your first time.

In your dating app profile, be upfront with the fact that you just want to experiment. Perhaps you’ll match with someone else who is bi-curious and you two can experiment together. Or perhaps you’ll match with a mature lesbian willing to show you the ropes.

But don’t be the girl who waits until the actual date to mention that you’re new to this. If your date is looking for something more – namely, an experienced woman who is good in bed and knows that she’s definitely a lesbian – then you’re just wasting her time.

DO be honest about your anxiety.

If you’re nervous about your first time with a girl, don’t play it cool. This will just increase your anxiety. If the first line out of your mouth is “I’m such an amazing pro at lesbian sex,” then you’ll feel major pressure to live up to your boast. And you won’t live up to that. (Not your first time, anyway. Practice makes perfect.)

Instead, just admit that you’re nervous and ask for her to patiently walk you through it. Chances are, she’ll think it’s cute and will be more than willing to break the ice.

Good luck!

7 Dirty Words You Can Have Engraved On Your iPad (and 4 You Can’t)

Recently, I was reading a Buzzfeed article about engraving iPads. I’m not an iPhone/iPad/iPod person, myself, and realistically I was just using the article as a procrastination technique. But, as I read further, I started to wonder… why is this a thing?


Of course, I can’t exactly wrap my head around why you’d want to engrave your devices with dirty words in the first place. Sure, I might have thought about it when I was younger, but these days I’d rather get a customized case – that I can change out at will – than to permanently mark any of my devices in a way that couldn’t be reversed. A quick look through the comments section gave me the answer I needed.

One commenter chimed in:

So that whilst they are still new and expensive if someone steals it and it has your name engraved in the back they can’t argue that they didn’t steal it from you.

Okay, so that covers “normal” engraving, but I know there’s a big chunk of the population that likes really customized stuff. And, the fact that most of us wouldn’t want to engrave a dirty word on the back of our devices, it’s pretty easy to see that this level of customization would make it impossible not to identify your iPad amongst a heap of all your friends’ iPads. (I’m just assuming all iPad owners team up and stack their iPads with their friends’ iPads – feel free to let me know if this isn’t actually the norm).

Blogger and self-described sex-positive-feminist tried to engrave the word “vagina” on hers – probably because she’s a “sex-positive-feminist”. I can see how it might be empowering to have this type of self-love on your iPad on a daily basis (one of the engravings Buzzfeed tried was “If you have a vagina, you’re awesome” – not accepted, sadly). But for me, it’s more about the curiosity – what would Apple let us get away with?

Sexism – Accepted

To be fair, I typed in “Sexism is rampant at Apple” for my first test. It took. At least Apple is willing to acknowledge their sexism – or maybe “sexism” is just not one of their flagged words. I’m inclined to think it’s the latter.

Bearded Clam – Accepted

My “bearded clam” experiment was largely based on my love of Family Guy, and while I’ve always understood what the term meant, I never really heard it outside of the occasional dirty joke on television. For those who were wondering, “bearded clam” was definitely accepted.

Beef Curtains – Accepted

I’m not a big fan of the term “beef curtains”, since it quite specifically references the labia – a part of the female anatomy that so many of us are insecure about. But rest assured – Apple accepts the term “beef curtains”, and anyone who doesn’t accept your beef curtains doesn’t deserve to see them.

Cum Dumpster – Accepted

Here’s another one of those that I’m not too keen on, due to the implications it holds. But I know there are a badge of women who pride themselves on reclaiming what could be a “filthy” label, and – guess what – Apple will let you add it to your iPad.

Twats – Accepted

I’m still pretty new to this word, too, if I’m being completely honest. I think my first experience with it was during the film “Easy A” (does anyone else have a giant crush on Emma Stone, or is that just me?), and since then I’ve been looking to find a way to incorporate it more into my daily life. Well, it’s nice to know that I can have it added to my iPad, should I ever buy one.

Cock Holster – Accepted

Okay, this one is a bit disheartening. I intentionally avoided using the word “Dick”, which they used in the Buzzfeed article, due to its multi-purposedness. But I find it incredibly hard to believe that people would use “cock” on their Apple devices with any mature reason. And, of course, I reject the notion of “cock holster” as a synonym for “vagina”, but it is one of the versions you can use, if you so choose.

Poonanny – Accepted

Maybe it’s because it’s not a “real” word, and in fact I’ve only ever known a small handful of people who use the word, but there’s no mistaking what it means, and Apple will let you engrave it on your iPad – no questions asked.

Vagina – Nope!

Okay, so I knew this one already, from reading the Buzzfeed article, but still… I had to try, to see if maybe there was something missing. But you definitely cannot engrave the word vagina onto your iPad – at least not directly through Apple.

Vag – Nope, not that either!

Just for the sake of argument, I removed the “-ina” off the end and tried submitting again – but that, too, was flagged. I love that they clearly highlight that the “bury my face” part was definitely not inappropriate.

Cunt – Guess again!

Here in the US, where I was born and bred, the word “cunt” is considered a much dirtier word than it is in other parts of the world. I really wasn’t expecting Apple to honor my request to add it… But I found something even more shocking! Not only did they not accept the word cunt, but apparently my little heart was also rejected. Bummer.

Pussy – Not happening

In the spirit of sex-positive-feminism (can I start calling myself that too?), I just had to try engraving “Pussy Power”. And, not that I’m surprised, but it wasn’t accepted. It’s such a shame, too, because as a cat lover and a vagina lover, I do think it’s my favorite euphemism of them all.

The Moral of the Story

The original Buzzfeed article asserted that Apple’s refusal to accept the word “vagina” was purely sexist in motivation, I’m fairly confident that’s not exactly what it is. I think all that’s in play here is a faulty algorithm that assumes the machines that are going to do the engraving have a delicate sensibility. For all we know, the machines could be sensitive about dirty words – but apparently not all dirty words.

Interested in doing your own check? Go to the Apple website and choose the product you want, then check the option to add free engraving. Don’t worry, you won’t have to buy a hundred iPads to run this little test – you don’t pay for anything until after all your customizations and everything have been confirmed.

If you check dirty words and find something absolutely filthy, that makes it through the algorithms, drop it in the comments! I want to know! (For purely scientific purposes, of course.)

The 9 Types Of Women To Avoid Hitting On At The Gay Bar

When we’re cruising for women at the gay bar, we may feel that everyone there is also cruising for women – and, similarly, that they’re a good choice to flirt with. Now, I’m all for taking on a challenge, but statistically speaking, there is definitely such a thing as “the woman you shouldn’t hit on”. Some of these women will destroy your self-esteem, some of them will destroy your image of gay bars, and some of them will just end up being absolutely nothing like you thought they would.

We’re here to try and save you from these women. Really, they’re probably bad news, even (or especially) if they seem like an “easy target”.

The Alpha

Unless you, too, are an alpha, alpha women are not usually a good choice for relationship material. They know what they want and they know what they’re capable of, and honestly they’re super sexy. But they know they’re super sexy, and they know that there’s probably something better out there – which will keep them from fully committing to you. Sure, there are probably exceptions. But unless you, too, are 100% confident in who you are and what you deserve, the alpha woman has the ability to completely destroy the way you think of yourself.

How do you know an alpha woman when you see her? Well, for starters, she’ll probably look (and act) like she’s out of your league – although she may treat you as if you’re a challenge to be conquered. This can feel amazing when it’s happening, but if you’re not ready to live up to her expectations, you might end up with a broken heart and a longing for the type of sex that no one else gave you before her – or since her.

The Scene Queen

This woman is on a quest to out-gay everyone else in the bar. She makes a point to be up on all the gay gossip, including outing people who aren’t ready to be out of the closet yet. She’ll also look and act a bit like an alpha, although it’s probably just an act – really, she doesn’t have the self-confidence to be a true Alpha, so she’s compromising by making everything about everyone else. Oh, and her reputation precedes her. Like, by a lot.

You’ll know her instantly when you see her, because she’ll remind you a bit of yourself right after you came out for the first time. She’s got a reputation to keep, after all, and she’s all about being the gayest she can possibly be. She wears flannel and snapbacks because “that’s what lesbians do”, not because they’re comfortable. She’s probably got a quirky hat that calls attention to how gay she really is, and the whole thing reeks of trying to fit in with the “cool kids”.

The Straight Girl

She can be hard to distinguish from the Scene Queen, because she, too, is trying to out-gay everyone (and everything) in the room. She may be surrounded by all of her gay friends, even if she just made them that very night. She’ll happily ask you all these intrusive questions about “what it’s like” to be a lesbian, but when you offer to “show” her, she’ll get really uncomfortable and leave – or, even worse, she’ll play along, just to leave you waiting for her as she sneaks out the back door.

How do you tell the difference between the straight girl and the Scene Queen? Don’t worry – the straight girl will tell you repeatedly that she’s just there for a good time, and that doesn’t include taking her panties off. But she’ll probably wait until after you’ve bought her a few (dozen) drinks. After all… She’s there to have a good time.

The Fall-Down Drunk

Definitely the easiest to spot, this woman is at the bar for one reason and one reason alone: She wants to get really, really drunk. She probably got started before she even left home, because she can’t afford to drink as many expensive drinks as she’d like, and getting a head start allows her to block out as many memories as she chooses. Sometimes, these women are already done before they even leave the house – in which case, we’d hope the bartender would be wise enough to cut them off, but that’s not always how it happens.

While she might seem like an “easy target”, it’s really, really important that you don’t try to go home with this girl. She may also fall in one of the other categories listed here, too. But the most important thing to remember is that she is way too drunk to give consent, or to remember what happened in the morning. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll puke on your shoes.

The Gold-Star Snob

The Gold-Star Snob knew she was gay from a very young age, and can’t wrap her head around the idea that someone else might take a little longer to come around. Someone who openly identifies as bisexual is completely out of the question – these women tend to be so biphobic that they may even (purposely) make the bisexuals in the room leave crying. What may be even worse is that they have no shame about verbally attacking the rest of the queer community, and pretend that they are the majority, which really isn’t the case.

Gold-Star Snobs will most likely only be surrounded by women who also identify as Gold Stars, whether snobbishly or not – and they tend to feel that man-hating is an inherent part of homosexuality, and that bisexuals are a “threat” to lesbians. They’re some of the worst perpetuators of the most negative stereotypes that are associated with the queer community and they have the audacity to blame everyone else. If you’re not sure if she’s a snob, just bring up any heteronormative movie. The GSS will gladly tell you what’s “wrong” with liking a movie that doesn’t have an all-queer storyline.

The Underage Girl

This is the woman who snuck into the gay bar without being old enough to do so, thereby putting the whole bar at risk of being shut down, because they haven’t mastered the level of self-control necessary to keep things legal. Not only is she (probably) drinking underage, but she may not even be the legal age of consent in y0ur region – which makes her particularly dangerous, especially if she falls into one of the other categories, as well.

She’s a bit harder to spot unless you happen to see her hand over that fake ID to the bartender or bouncer, and happen to recognize the not-government-issued backdrop it uses. Some fake IDs are better and harder to spot, though, and most likely the one with the obviously-fake ID won’t even be let in the front door. She’ll probably be up at the bar, ordering “whatever you recommend” from the bartender, or sending her not-underage friend to go order from her. Avoid her at all costs. She is dishonest and impulsive and may get you arrested.

The Loiterer

This woman is at the bar with absolutely no interest in getting drunk or getting laid. She’s just there for the music, and perhaps the second-hand smoke (if she’s recently quit smoking). And, while there really is nothing wrong with that, it’s most likely a waste of time for you to try hitting on her, as she’s not likely to be responsive to it. She’s honestly there only to have a good time – unlike the Straight Girl, who’s there to soak up as much of the queer culture as she possibly can without being “sucked into it”.

You can recognize this woman because she will be drinking nothing but water or soda, and probably dancing on the dancefloor all by herself. She may or may not be surrounded by friends in various stages of drunken behavior or shameless flirting, but when you try to hit on her, she’s going to turn you down with a simple “No thank you” and no further explanation.

The Taken

There are many ways to spot a woman who’s taken at the bar. If she’s sitting in the seat directly next to another woman (or a man – let’s be clear that this is also a possibility), she’s probably with that person. If she’s wearing a ring on her “engagement ring” finger, she’s probably taken. If she’s obviously a stud, and she’s holding a purse… Well… She’s probably taken.

Let’s be clear: Some women are in an open relationship, and they may be at the bar together trying to find someone to go home with both of them. But you should never assume this is the case. If it is the case, and she is interested in you, she’ll make the first move – she’s well aware of how terrible of an idea it is to hit on someone who’s quite obviously in a relationship. And, if she’s not interested in a threesome, her girlfriend might kick your ass if you try.

The Babysitter

She might not be gay. She might not be straight. She’s probably not drunk. She’ll be seen taking care of her definitely-drunk friends, and trying to prevent them from going into the ladies’ room with that total stranger. She can also be seen trying to diffuse the bar fights that happen when her fall-down-drunk friend is trying to hit on the woman who is obviously there with her girlfriend.

Let me clarify something about the Babysitter, though: She is an incredible woman to date. But tonight is not the night. She’s at the bar tonight because her friends drug her out, and she felt guilty about saying no, or maybe she feels responsible for them. Either way, she has other responsibilities tonight, and she’s not going to go home with you. She’ll be too busy making sure her friends get home safely and don’t choke on their own vomit (or someone else’s fist).

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The 6 Women You Should Avoid Dating Online

I’m a big advocate for online dating. In the age of technology, it can become addicting to know all the important information about someone before you make things “real” and “official”. Truthfully, in the queer community, it’s often easier to date online, especially if you’re not out in your local community. But, as expansive as the online dating pool is (and as much as we advocate not limiting yourself to a certain “type”), there are some women you should probably avoid if you want to keep your sanity intact. (And, it should go without saying, but… You should probably also avoid being one of these women.)

The woman who’s already in a relationship.


This should go without saying, but if a woman is in a “committed relationship” and she’s not totally committed to it, she’s really not good relationship material. In some cases, her significant other might know that she’s looking for someone else, and in these cases, you can proceed with caution. But if her current partner has no idea that she’s looking for someone new, run. Fast and far.

The gold-digger.


It should be pretty obvious that a woman who’s only after your money is to be avoided. But you might think you’re safe if you don’t have a lot of money yourself. Truthfully, there are women who will gladly suck dry the financial means of another, rather than make things happen on their own. If she has no job, and no desire to get a job, chances are she’s just looking for someone to support her. Run.

The snob.


There are so many different types of snobs. Some of them will look down on you if you come from a different background. Some will talk to you as if you’re a child. Some will make a point to tell you how much they’re not a snob, because, “look at me, dating you even though I’m better than you – so I can’t be a snob!” But these women are bad news. They’ve already decided that they are better than you, and will either date you out of pity or because they feel they have to be the “better” one in the relationship. Either way, they’re secretly not so great, and you’ll find that out pretty quick once you’ve started actually dating them.

The woman with her wedding planned out already.

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Okay, maybe this one is a bit of a generalization. I was engaged to the “big ex” before my current partner, and we actually got quite a ways into our wedding planning before I finally admitted that she was horrible to me. But this is not something that my current partner knew from the start. If you haven’t even met face to face yet, and she’s already talking about “your” wedding or starting a family together… Get out while you still can. She doesn’t want you. She wants to be a wife. (And she may also fall under the “gold digger” category.)

The proud self-proclaimed bitch.


This one is pretty obvious. The woman who makes a point to let you know that she doesn’t care if she hurts your feelings, is never going to care if she hurts your feelings. You can’t magically fix her. You can’t make her stop being who she is. She can’t make you magically be less sensitive. If she hurts your feelings right away and doesn’t even seem to care, let her go – you can thank me later.

The curious woman.


Let me be clear: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious. Most of us identified as curious before we identified as bisexual or lesbians. There is nothing wrong with experimenting with your sexuality. But a relationship should not be an experiment, and if you’re dating a woman who doesn’t know if she likes women – and expecting something serious to come of it – you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m not saying she’s necessarily straight. But she might be.

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10 Reminders for Every Woman Who Doesn’t Think She’s Perfect

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in our recent history, self-esteem became this taboo thing for women. When we’re given a compliment, the “polite” thing to do is to reject the notion, and to assume that the other person is just being polite. With as much as the media has taken over our lives, it can get really hard to not think that someone else is more attractive than you.

Unfortunately for some of us, it’s not always just the media that does it to us. We do it to ourselves, or maybe we’ve had someone in our lives who did it to us. We end up turning to the people who are close to us, and seek their validation – even though we’ll just reject it and replace it with our own, anyway. It really doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I know I’m not the only person who does this.

And yet, when we’re trying to be that person for our friends and loved ones, it comes so much easier. “You’re just as pretty as she is,” we’ll tell them. “You’re smart and funny, too – you’re the whole package!” These are the same things they’ll tell us one day, but we can’t accept that they mean it… Even though we mean it when we say it. You just don’t go lying to your besties, after all.

So why do we like to lie to ourselves so much? How come it’s so hard to think positive things about ourselves, and tell ourselves the things we need to hear?

Personally, I’m in the middle of some life-changing revolutions right now, and one of the biggest is trying to realign my positivity (something we all could benefit from, to be honest). Here are some affirmations for those days when you feel less than your best. Consciousness creates reality, after all, so the more you believe these things are true, the truer they’ll be for you. Give it a try!

1. Beauty is subjective.

Just because one person doesn’t see beauty doesn’t mean no one sees the beauty. No matter how you feel about yourself, there is someone out there who thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous. In fact, there are probably more people who find you attractive than you think!

2. It doesn’t matter how many people think you’re beautiful.

What matters is how you see yourself. Women who are “conventionally attractive” can feel that they’re not beautiful, too – and no matter how many people tell them otherwise, they still won’t believe it until they can see it, too.

3. Beauty is a choice.

No matter what mistakes you’ve made in life, your true beauty comes from within. Your external beauty may change over time, but that doesn’t make your true beauty fade – it just changes, and sometimes new is good. If you choose to be beautiful, you are beautiful.

4. Beauty is eternal.

While choosing to feel beautiful is a daily occurrence, that doesn’t mean that your beauty isn’t there on the days you don’t feel it. It just means that it’s hiding. Once you’re ready to embrace your beauty again, it’ll still be there – true beauty never fades.

5. Happiness is beautiful.

If you are living a life that you love, bringing joy and happiness to yourself and others, you are beautiful – inside and out. Even on the days it’s hard to smile, focusing on the positive side of things will infuse a little more beauty into your everyday life.

6. Positivity is the key.

Part of my current revolution involves focusing on the positives in my life, and once you do that, you really do become unstoppable. We might find it easier to focus on the one thing we dislike about ourselves, rather than the ten things we love about ourselves, but if we allow the positive things to have a voice, they will soon become loud enough to drown out the negativity.

7. Beauty has no specifics.

Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with fashion, or makeup, or any definitions you’ll find. True beauty is a reflection of our innermost thoughts, and can’t be assigned a specific label. If you feel beautiful, you are beautiful.

8. Accept compliments – and give them freely.

If someone compliments you on something they love about you, take the compliment! When did it get so wrong to let ourselves feel good about ourselves? It doesn’t have to be a comment about your appearance, either – and, in fact, you should do your best to give compliments based on “deeper things”, like someone’s character, their diligence, and their sense of humor. These things are beautiful, too.

9. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

If new clothes make you feel beautiful, treat yourself! If a walk in the open air brings beauty and joy into your life, do that. For me, it’s my writing – being able to put words onto a page gives meaning to my day. Think of what makes you feel beauty, and make an effort to do more of that.

10. Don’t worry about other people.

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s idea of beautiful, you’re never going to feel beautiful. Instead, focus on what you think is valuable, and live a life that shines. You are a glorious human being and no one can tell you otherwise. Now, get out there and be beautiful!

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A Queer Woman’s Bucket List

I think I might be a list addict.

I’m constantly making lists of everything in my life. Most recently, I started thinking about all the queer rites-of-passage that I still have yet to experience, as well as all those that I have had the pleasure of doing.

How many of these bucket list items have you done?

1. Travel to San Francisco, at least once (extra credit if it’s during Pride).

I was fortunate enough to be invited along with some friends going to San Francisco Pride a few years ago, and it truly is a magical experience. I have yet to experience Pride in any other big cities, so I’m definitely open to checking out some of the greats – but San Francisco Pride is definitely a magical celebration that’s not soon to be forgotten.


2. Go to a Pride parade.

If you don’t have the benefit of being a couple hours away from San Francisco (like I am), really, any big city Pride parades are magical, from what I’ve heard. Just do your best to make sure you’re in a gay-friendly area, as unfortunately people aren’t so great, and horrible things can happen. Make sure you’re safe!


3. Make a close group of lesbian friends.

I honestly wish I had more lesbian friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have a few, but most of them have dated one another, so it’s pretty awkward… Seeing as that’s how I met them. It would be so nice to have a group of lesbians to hang out with who didn’t hate each other’s guts, but I guess I’ll settle for Facebook friends… for now.


4. Switch up your wardrobe.

People catch a lot of shade for changing up their style every now and then, but it’s not our natural instinct to stay the same our whole lives. Not too long ago, my “default style” was baggy t-shirts and those horrible pants with all the chains all over them. Now I can’t even stand the idea of either of those things… I’d much rather wear a flowy dress and a tank top. It’s completely normal to switch up your style, and don’t let anyone ever tell you that “going through a phase” is a bad thing. You’ve got to change to figure out who you really are, and who you like being.


5. Drastically change your hair.

For the longest time, I refused to cut my hair. When I was in 7th grade, it actually went down to the back of my knees – it had been probably seven years since I got more than a trim. Now I can’t stand my hair staying the same for so long. I love to dye it, cut it, experiment with colors and textures. And why not? Your hair is literally made of the same stuff as your fingernails. If you paint or cut your nails, there’s no logical reason you can’t do the same to your hair – so enjoy some creative expression!


6. Read some queer literature.

I’m not talking about just steamy erotica novels (although those are sometimes a good read, too). Find some “serious” literature, either by a queer author or about queer subjects, and read the hell out of it! There’s so much out there, and you might have to do a little digging to find it, but the right book can help make up for a little of the bad representation we see in other forms of entertainment. (Here’s a handy list of some queer books you can start with.)


7. Start over in a new city.

Okay, I’ll admit… I kinda do this one a lot. I don’t like feeling like I “have to” stay somewhere, so I’ll move pretty much any time I have the opportunity to. After we recently moved back to the town I grew up in (where my girlfriend had never lived before), we started talking about where we’re going to live next – because one single place is never in my long-term plans. It’s super refreshing to start over somewhere fresh… And there’s no harm in moving back “home” if things don’t work out.

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8. Become an active member of the queer community, in a way that makes sense for you.

Not everyone is meant to be an activist or a politician or a performer, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay a silent part of the community. There’s literally something for everyone – my activity of choice is writing, as I’m sure you can tell. The important thing is that you find your thing and do the best job at it you can. The queer community is counting on you!


9. Have a serious, live-in girlfriend.

Even those who have all but sworn off love will, at some point, end up with a serious girlfriend. Now, there are two main reactions the first time this happens: Some people realize that it’s definitely not for them, and they keep things casual from then on out… Until someone comes along and changes their mind (again) and the cycle starts all over. Others wonder why they didn’t do it sooner, and end up having serious relationships with a good portion of their subsequent girlfriends. Neither one of these is “right” or “wrong”, but you have to at least try it.


10. Get over your insecurities.

Most people are insecure about something, and while there are often “triggers” for these insecurities, it’s up to each person to work them out and move past them. This means that if you’re worried about your weight, do something about it! (And if you’re already exercising and eating well and you’re still bigger, don’t worry about the specific numbers – your health is more important.) If you’re worried about your job, work toward getting a better one. If you can’t bring yourself to ask a woman out, practice until you can do it. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, but there is something wrong with complaining about something you’re not trying to fix.


11. Come to terms with rejection.

Almost everyone has been rejected before – either by a crush, a potential employer, or maybe even by a parent (although I hope that’s not the case for most). We, as humans, tend to focus too much on what that rejection says about us, but in most cases it’s more of a reflection of the other person. You are always free to use this rejection as motivation to improve yourself, but take care not to change who you are as a person.


12. Come out of the closet.

If you haven’t come out yet, you should. Not because the world deserves to know your personal details, but because you deserve to live out in the open. Understandably, there are certain situations where coming out would be dangerous and unsafe, and of course I don’t recommend that you out yourself in those situations – but it’s my hope for each and every one of you that you can one day be 100% honest about who you are. And remember, there are different types of closets.


13. Have a good straight friend.

I’ve actually been blessed in this department – I probably have more straight friends than I have lesbian friends. (Although some of my “straight” friends have recently come out as bisexual and pansexual, so I’m not sure where the division really lands now.) But as important as it is to have friends who understand what it’s like to be gay, it’s also important not to alienate those who don’t know what it’s like to be gay. If you’re just collecting queer friends and passing over all the gems that aren’t queer, you’re really missing out on some great friendship opportunities.


14. Date a bisexual woman.

I know there are a lot of bisexuals who don’t want to be treated as a token, so rest assured – that’s not what I mean here. I simply mean that you should be open to the idea of dating a bisexual woman. There is a tremendous amount of biphobia in the lesbian community, and in most cases, it’s completely unfounded. If you’re completely closed to the idea of dating a bisexual woman, you are discriminating – pure and simple. It’s okay to have preferences, but it’s not okay to make someone else feel inferior if they don’t fit into your “type”.


15. Learn how to gracefully say “no” – without feeling guilty about it.

I’m so bad about trying to appease people. I know, you can’t please everyone, but I’d break my back trying before I’d admit that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. As much as I tell myself that the only approval that matters is my own, I’m still struggling to say no without feeling bad afterward. It’s an important milestone I still have yet to cross.


16. Date someone who’s not your type.

Maybe the person who’s “not your type” is the bisexual woman from #14. Or, maybe she’s not. There are no rules, here, except that you’ve got to break your own rules every now and then. Let me repeat it for those in the back row: It’s okay to have preferences. But if you’re limiting your options, you’re limiting your options. Be open to new things!


17. Purge all the drama from your life.

Most of us hate dealing with drama. Or, at least we say we do. But realistically, if there’s a lot of drama in your life on a regular basis, you’re welcoming it in. If you really want to live drama-free, you’ve got to take a stand and get rid of the drama. Negative friends, people who refuse to improve their lives, and those who are always focused on someone else’s business aren’t right for you. Part of being an adult is recognizing it and putting an end to it.


18. Get over your first love.

I’m sure there are some people reading who are actually still with their first love, and while I’m so happy for you, statistically speaking, it probably isn’t going to last the rest of your life – and that’s okay. The pain from losing your first love is very real, and as much as it hurts, you will be a million times stronger once you get past it. You’ll be smarter, too, and you’ll be able to treat your second love that much better.


19. Evaluate your safer sex methods and diligence.

There are so many lesbians who feel that they don’t need to practice safer sex because we fall in a so-called “low risk” demographic. As nice of a thought as that is, it’s simply not true. Lesbians are at risk for a number of STDs that don’t even have recognizable symptoms in women. No matter how solid your methods seem, it’s important to get tested regularly, and get educated on same-sex sexual health (especially since it’s so rarely taught in schools).


20. Date someone with a significant age difference.

If you date someone much older than you, you get the chance to benefit from your partner’s wisdom and experience. If you date someone significantly younger, you get the chance to give your partner the benefit of your wisdom and experience. While you probably shouldn’t choose someone solely based on their age, we feel that everyone should experience an age-gap relationship at least once in their life.


21. Go to a queer concert.

Okay, I’ll admit: I’ve never gone to an out queer artist’s concert. I feel like I’m slacking, both as a lesbian and as a music lover. But I did attend a Joan Jett concert a couple years back, and she’s a pretty solid lesbian icon, even if she doesn’t identify as a lesbian herself. Once I have the money, I plan to do a little mini-tour of my own, and hit up the concerts of some of the greats. (Feel free to suggest some great queer artists for me in the comments – I’m always looking for new music inspiration!)


22. Use a dating app – and score a date.

Honestly, even with the state of technology being what it is now, there are still so many unnecessary stereotypes about using dating apps. It seems pretty silly, actually – I mean, here is this app that was literally designed because of people who struggled in the dating scene. Most lesbians struggle in the dating scene. So why do we judge each other for using something that was designed to fix that exact problem? And if you’re doing things safely and respectfully, it’s no different than meeting someone through friends, except that you know all the big deal breakers ahead of time.


23. Stop slut- and prude-shaming, both yourself and others.

It’s okay to enjoy sex. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. People realistically fall in all different areas of the spectrum, and it’s extremely unlikely that you’re even going to find someone who’s into all the same stuff you’re into. Why, then, do we assume that everyone else should feel exactly the same way that we do about sex?

The subject of shaming goes even further, though, because it uses misogynistic beliefs and hurtful language to assume things about a person’s identity – things that are, by definition, different from person to person and often unpredictable based on the qualifiers we use. From a logical standpoint, slut- and prude-shaming make zero sense – it’s time to put an end to both.


24. Become completely honest with yourself, about everything.

Life is about balance, and while most of us understand this, we forget to include ourselves in the equation – meaning no matter how balanced things appear, they’re missing a huge chunk. According to Hal Elrod (author of The Miracle Morning), “Creating your ‘level 10 life’ begins with creating an honest assessment of where you are.” Basically, this means that you have to be honest about every aspect of your life, at least to yourself, otherwise you literally cannot actually be happy. (My current favorite blogger has a great post about the Level 10 Life concept – and I’ve actually got “map out my level 10 life” on my to-do list for tonight.)


25. Learn to drive a U-haul and a pickup truck.

Okay, maybe I’m playing to lesbian stereotypes a little bit here, but as someone who’s going to be turning 26 years old and still can’t drive a car without having a panic attack, this is actually a pretty big goal for me. Hopefully I can cross this one off before I turn 30.)


26. Redecorate your room, so you can tell a real grown-up lives there.

If you’re over the age of 25 and your bedroom still looks pretty similar to how it looked when you were a teenager… It’s time to start thinking like an adult. Truthfully, there’s some wiggle room here – you’re definitely allowed to be a whimsical adult. But by age 30, you need real furniture, matching bed sets, and curtains – not to mention the ability to keep up on your laundry. Trust me, if you make sure your bedroom looks like an adult lives there, you’re going to feel a lot more like an adult, too.


27. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Often we feel guilty about the mistakes we’ve made in the past, especially if our actions hurt someone else. But feeling remorse about something is your mind’s way of telling you that you learned your lesson – and it’s time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The person you hurt has no obligation to forgive you, but you do have an obligation to forgive yourself.

Of course, this won’t happen until you’ve reached a point in your life where you have learned from your mistakes. While you’re still learning, you’re going to be frustrated, tempted, and a great deal of other painful feelings. You can’t move past your mistakes simply because someone else wants you to. You have to move on because you’re ready to, and often this will involve creating a completely new life without the person (or people) you hurt.


Lesbian Dilemmas: Choosing A Friend After A Break Up (Video)

When your friends break up, do you have to choose?

Yes, and no. Well, yes, because you know it will just get super awkward.

You become that on connection – the ex connection, the mutual friend who knows way too much, yet has to remain completely mutual through every drama, argument and new girlfriend.

Its tough…

National Unfriend Day: 14 Types Of People You Need To Ditch Today

We all know that our Facebook friends list are about 25% real actual friends.

The rest are people we went to school with and people we met and friended while drunk, then never saw again. Also, there are even a surprising number of Facebook friends that you actively dislike.

But, really, do you need or want hundreds of Facebook friends?

Likely today marks the 5th year of National Unfriend Day, a day that makes it socially acceptable (ish) to delete the most annoying of your Facebook friends.

It’s time to clear out the friend clutter. So how do you decide stays and who goes.

Just ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do they post unwanted spoilers for your favourite films/TV shows?


2. Are they almost a complete stranger to you, and yet you know every minute detail of their life? Has it ever crossed your mind that that’s a bit weird?


3. Do they post endless smug pictures of their charmed, approval-seeking lives?


4a. Do they post tonnes of baby pictures? (This one depends on one other factor)

4b. Is this a baby with which you have an actual emotional attachment?

In which case, they can’t post enough photos of their adorable offspring. You can keep them.


5. She’s your ex and you know you shouldn’t be stalking her like this…


6. Are they forever copy-and-pasting chain statuses?


7. Do they send you constant Candy Crush requests?


8. Do they demonstrate a remarkable ignorance of how to actually use Facebook?


9. Do they go on regular offensive rants about the gay/feminist/black/Muslim ‘agenda’? – DELETE


10. Do they post loads of cute animal photos and videos? – LOL, that’s what a Facebook feed is for. They can stay.


11. Are they an emoticon lover – to the point you have to google in order to understand what is being expressed in their status?


12. Do they over share? Like every minute updates of their living day…


13. Do they vague-post? Like ‘well that was unexpected… ;)’ or ‘SOME PEOPLE are just so annoying’. Ditch, you don’t have time for their psychological mind games.


14. Would you ever have an actual real-world conversation with them?

If the answer is no then, well, they’re not a friend, are they?



Question: Can Lesbians Just Be Friends?

I went out last night to visit a friend in town from London. There were a few new faces out, but mostly the usual suspects.

At one point in the evening one of our group became uncomfortable when a woman she recently hooked up with took a seat across from her.

To try to console her I pointed out that I too, had hooked up with someone at the table, and it was no big deal.

Upon further investigation, I realised we were all a bunch of ho-bags and pretty much everyone at the table had hooked up with someone else.

We started to talk about lesbians friendship group, and after some careful reviewing and some questionable years in university, we both realised we have hooked up with a decent amount of our lesbian and bi friends.

When I say “hooked up” I am including something as simple as a drunk make out session, and not just naked sex.

There is also no time frame on this epiphany either, meaning I may have kissed my buddy Claire once at Uni, and we are still friends.

I used to think as women we are all able have platonic relationships, but like the time I thought I would look good with pink hair, I was wrong. So very wrong.

Either you two have already hooked up, or one of you secretly (or not so secretly) wants to, or at least wanted to when you first met.

So, before you start befriending me on Facebook, know that I have not hooked up with every female friend of mine because there are a few loopholes to my theory – like if she slept with you girlfriend, while you were together.

And even if they aren’t actively trying to pull at the moment, you can still be presented with the opportunities in your friendship circle. It’s like when someone asks if you want to grab some dinner after you had a late lunch… you may not be hungry, but you will always say, “Sure, I can eat.”


17 Thoughts You Have When Your Best Friends Gets A Girlfriend

Remember the times when you and your BFF were both single? And then came the significant other, who took over your position as the VIP of her life.


Sure, she now keeps you updated by Instagramming weird foods she’s trying, and trys to keep you in the loop with Facebook status. But its never going to be like the good ol’ days..


2. Where the hell is she?

3. Okay, she’s busy. Well we always have next weekend.


4. I’ll just message her on Facebook.

5. Who’s Lisa Wortnort? And why did she comment on like every photo? Is this a new friend?

6. Stalking, stalking.

7. Whoa, what happened to her hair?

8. HELLO, eyebrows.


9. I’m her best friend.

10. I’ll text her to make sure they know I’m alive.

11. Whyaretheynotansweringmeback?


13. What, are they too busy to call?


14. Finally. We’re having coffee on Monday. EAT THAT LISA WORTNORT.

15. How many times are we going to rehash every ‘memorable’ memory from school?

16. I swear she told me that last week.

17. Maybe we should go see a movie next time? Less chance of me running out of questions to ask.


14 Ways A Bois Night Out With Your Mates Solves All Of Your Problems

When life makes you feel a little bit crap, a night out at your favourite lesbian club with your gay pals is the obvious answers.

1. They give you a reason to get all dressed up.

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2. They give you a reason (but let’s face it, who really needs it) to drink.

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3. After all your dancing, you can enjoy some terrible junk food. With no judgment, which is the main thing.

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4. You get to dance all your troubles away. Booty shakin’ and twerkin’ makes you forget about reality.

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5. When drunk, or even sober, they give you the world’s best advice. Honestly, they tell you everything that you need to hear to feel better.

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6. DID SOMEONE SAY TEQUILA?! If you can’t fix a problem, why not make yourself forget about the problem?!

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7. If it’s woman trouble, there are multiple brains to help construct the best reply to an awkward text. You no longer have to sit in your pjs by yourself, analysing just exactly what she means by that.

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8. And if you’re single, you don’t have to care about hooking up with someone, because you’re all far too busy talking about how much you love each other anyway.

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9. Unlike in today’s cruel word, with your mates, you don’t have to impress anyone. They love you as you are…. d’awwww!

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11. No subject is off limits. Doesn’t matter what the problem is, they got’ ‘cho back.

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12. You can have a good old catch up- and maybe you’ll realise your problems are not worth crying over. When you have friends as amazing as these, your life is going pretty well!

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13. They’re willing to corrupt.

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14. They make you feel like a superstar.

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29 Reasons Why You And Your BFF Have Everyone Questioning Your “Relationship”

Your best friend is your better half, a person who sticks with you through thick, thin.

She is the person you can spend an entire 24 hours with and never get sick of once.

She’s the person you reach out to whenever you receive great or devastating news.

She’s the person your current girlfriend loves to hate.

But, where would you be in life without your best friend? Loney as f*ck, that’s where. The bond between you and your best friend is so evident in everything you do that people tend to think it may be more than friendship.

Oh silly people, don’t you know what it’s like to have a friend that close? Apparently not…

1. Your girlfriend has asked you on numerous occasions if you’ve ever actually hooked up.

2. You FaceTime each other everyday.

3. She wears your clothes, and you wear hers – in fact her wardrobe is now technically yours.

4. You are in constant communication with her throughout the day.

5. You have a weekly “date night”.

6. Certain television shows are just better because you are watching it with her.

7. You bring each other home for holidays and birthdays.

8. You get jealous when she brings up a girl’s name you don’t know.

9. You can order each other food without asking what the other wants.

10. You spend Sundays lying in bed with each other.

11. You overly compliment each other.

12. You post pictures of things that couples would.

13. You’re content with just bringing each other home at the end of the night.

14. You can’t buy underwear without getting her opinion first.

15. You bicker like an old married couple.

16. You walk around each other naked all the time.

17. Your favorite pastime is discussing how much better your friendship is than everyone else’s.

18. You buy gifts when you see something that reminds you of each other.

19. You actually refer to each other as ‘wife/girlfriend’.

20. You discuss the benefits of actually getting married.

21. You got anxious when you met her parents for the first time.

22. She knows everything about you, and vice versa.

23. You buy each other Valentine’s Day gifts.

24. You hate whomever she hates more than she does.

25. You actually get offended when she doesn’t immediately answer your text.

26. She is the only person you will listen to when it comes to advice.

27. People become concerned when you show up places without each other.

28. You don’t give notice when you’re coming over, you just show up.

29. You are actually honest when it comes to physical appearance.



7 Toxic People to Remove from Your Life

The people you surround yourself with can impact what you’ll accomplish in life. Or, in other words, it greatly depends on which people you decide not to surround yourself with.

So if you’re looking to make some changes, be sure not to bring your garbage with you.

Leave these toxic individuals out of your life. You’ll feel much lighter, allowing you to get a great running start on the year to come.

1. The people who make your life more stressful.

Life is stressful as it is. You don’t need someone making it more so.

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2. The people who use you.

Sometimes we find people in our lives who use us in ways that end up hurting us. When you have toxic individuals in your life they leave you worse off, sucking you dry and feeding off you like a parasite.

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3. The people who always manage to hurt you.

People hurt other people — it’s just the way the world works. But if you have someone in your life who can’t manage to stop hurting you, do yourself a favour and cut that person off.

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4. The people who can’t seem to stop lying to you.

Everyone lies. In fact, within the first few minutes of meeting a new person, that person is likely to lie to you a handful of times. Most lies are harmless, but that all changes when the people who are lying to you are the people you trust.

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5. The people who smile to your face and then insult you behind your back.

These individuals enjoy pretending to be your friend while telling the rest of the world that you’re a piece of sh*t. They’ll ruin your reputation and, as most of us now know, reputation matters a whole lot in the world we live in.

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6. The people who don’t care about you, but love to pretend they do.

These individuals are especially toxic because they give you the illusion of a safety net. These “pseudo friends” are a lot of fun to hang out with, and more than willing to accept help, but when you need their help they’re miraculously nowhere to be found. They act like our friends only when it’s convenient for them.

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7. The people who hold you back.

You know the ones – they’re egocentric, they’ll do their best to create their version of their ideal life and drag you into it.

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The Complex Dynamics of Lesbian Friendships

Ah the dynamics of lesbian friendships. Lines get blurred and boundaries have no limits, but we wouldn’t do without our lesbian BFFs.

What you have to remember though, is friendships are among the most complex, but meaningful relationships in our lives. These unique bonds often run deeper than family ties, and sometimes last longer than our relationships with spouses or lovers.

What Lesbians Say vs. What They Really Mean

Queer women can be a confusing and complex lot. No, we’re not trying to perpetuate a stereotype or make a mockery, it’s just sometimes true.

Human beings in general are complex creatures, and the sooner we accept this, the sooner we can learn to laugh at ourselves and move on.

We often hide behind sarcastic phrases and straight up lies in hopes of improving our reverse psychology skills, tricking people into believing what we want them to believe.

We say we’re fine when we are not, and we tell people we want to be friends, when really we want to be lovers. We have all been guilty of hiding behind claims and false expressions, hoping whomever we’re talking to can read our minds, or at least be tricked by our statements.

What Lesbians Say vs. What They Really Mean

Lesbian in a (Gay) Man’s World

There has always been this belief that lesbians and gay men don’t get on, or don’t like each other. To a certain extent I think this is still true, especially amongst some of the older community.

Some of my older male friends will tell me stories of the man-hating ‘diesel dykes’ that would cause trouble or create confrontation when a man was in ‘their bar’. I still find it quite shocking things were like this 20/30+ years ago, especially when back then everyone essentially wanted the same thing; equality.

Thankfully, the LGBT community has come on leaps and bounds and for the most part we happily mix.

I’m far from being a lesbian that hates men. I love men. I feel like I am more like one of the guys. As I’m writing this now I’m sitting with 5 guys. They’re not camp (until 5 pints anyhow). They’re men. They’re just blokes. If that makes sense.

In a way it surprises me, because growing up I never really had a positive male role model in my life. All my role models were strong women. Men cheated, ran away from their responsibilities and were generally emotionally useless. I saw men as the weaker sex. In certain ways I still do, but unless I need to ‘talk’ or cry, I still prefer their company.

I used to hang out with women more, but I always felt a little out of place. Not involved in, not understanding or simply not interested in their conversations. They’d discuss work a lot, which bored me. They were all very political. Very intense about who they’d be voting for. Whereas I really couldn’t give a flying ****.

They baked a lot. They gardened. I hate gardening. And baking.

They were all very, well, gay. Very gay rights, very active in pushing equal rights for women. I shan’t expand more on that because to be completely honest I’ve not a clue what I’m talking about. It isn’t a bad thing, not at all, it just isn’t for me. I’m clearly far from being a feminist.

But I like the ease of hanging out with the guys. I like the conversation, nothing is usually too serious, but if it does get serious, we can have a good debate. We laugh more. I feel I’m looked after. It’s like having 30 big brothers, and I guess in the same way I’m looked after like a little sister. They’re always around, between my work and social life, always on the end of the phone or 5 minutes away if I need one of them.

Love the guys, girls. And after all, it’s great having no competition.