As a kid all we wanted to do was grow up and become an adult, now that we’re all adults — term loosely used of course — we’d love to go back to the day of being a kid.
Here are 21 truths about being and adult that are spot on!
1. Part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning joined up writing really necessary?
7. Google maps really needs to start their directions on number 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my street.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection, again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
20. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their mobile phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
For many, going to a bar solo is akin to going to work in just our underwear: an embarrassing and painfully awkward experience.
But if you’re a solo-traveller who also happens to enjoy your adult beverages, frequenting bars without a date is a great skill to master.
1. You allow yourself to get emotionally attached to the first girl who looks in your direction.
2. You pull the “fake texting” move instead of striking up a conversation.
3. You overdo the coolness.
4. You get stuck in a conversation with the girl going through a “really tough breakup right now.”
5. For some crazy reason, you become totally intimidate by every women in there.
6. You’re a femme, but you felt the need to butch it up to get hit on.
7. You turn the conversation in an awkwardly sexual direction.
8. Your flirting enters into creepy territory.
9. You forget to smile.
10. You get way too drunk.
11. You accidentally insult the mixologist behind the bar, meaning you’re not getting served for the rest of night unless you leave a big tip.
12. You fail to send out those “single” vibes.
13. You over do the staring.
The whole situation is completely overwhelming. You don’t know whether to drunk-cry or just go home.
Go into any gay bar and you’ll find different kinds of lesbian barflies. Here are just a handful:
Gay Bar Hater: She’d rather be at home watching TV, but her mates have dragged her out and she is having an awful time. Here body language is negative: she’ll be tutting, rolling her eyes and frowning. She’ll be trying to drink her Bacardi and Coke as fast as possible in order to start enjoying herself – not that that will happen as long as she’s in the gay bar.
Under-Rager: Before she gets barred for drinking too many shots, the under-rager would have had sex with the hot peroxide blonde in the toilet. Usually has a black X on each hand.
Plastic Dyke: Another common type, the plastic dyke likes to wear a bandana, tight trousers, studded belts and a blazer or bomber jacket. Her hair is fixed with various kinds of pomade and hairspray and she likes to pose as often as possible.
The Faux Straight: Her high heels and too-much make-up give off the signal that she might be too pretty to be gay, but appearances can be deceptive. In reality she can’t wait to be banged by the masculine gals and her eyes will wander in that direction while she sips her cocktail.
The Recent Convert: She’s just come to terms with who she really is sexually, but she’d very inexperienced. She’s enthusiastic enough but she has no clue about how to seduce a woman so every time she tries to subtly check out the talent, it is obvious to the whole bar what she’s up to. Having made the switch from straight to gay relationships, she sincerely hopes that every dalliance with a girl she has will be fulfilling, long-term and life-changing. How sweet and naïve!