So, I recently read an article on KitschMix by Barbara Ward enlightening readers to the great versatility of the female body to experience an incredible variety of orgasms.

Like any woman, I thought – Wow! Eleven?! How many of these have I experienced or can experience?

My somewhat unique position as a transgender woman opens up a raft of different yet surprisingly similar experiences, but also potential for so much more.

As a pansexual trans woman who began her transition in her late twenties I have experienced sexual pleasures from a multitude of perspectives with a multitude of different kinds of sexual partner.

I was pleased to say my list was almost complete, but also had a couple of others to add. So, if you or your partner is a trans woman in any state of transition your orgasms are just as varied and highly enjoyable.

The Clitoral or Penile Head Orgasm

First, we need to know a little developmental anatomy. We all start out the same with anatomy in our mother’s womb. The clitoris in the biologically female body or glans penis (penile head) in the biologically male develops from the genital tubercle. Since both derive from the same structure they are equally sensitive thus equally pleasurable to stimulate.

Every woman is different and so the best clitoral orgasms are achieved in different ways. Personally, I have always been a fan of the softly does it approach with the lightest of touches through the hood (foreskin). Other women may like a firmer approach, but do communicate. If you go too firm it can actually become quite painful, particularly if your partner is a sensitive girl!

The best way, in my opinion, to give the light but electric touch is with lips and tongue. Respond to your partner’s communication from her body, her movements and if she makes some noise what noises she makes. I like to mix things up and surprise my partner with the oral stimulation I give varying intensity and technique. You will find what works for each of you. You can also use your fingers or a vibrator together or alone.

The Vaginal or Penile Body Orgasm

In the womb the vagina and body of the penis develop from the genital fold and urogenital sinus. In biological females these stay open to form the vagina and close in biological males to form the body of the penis. A vaginal orgasm for a cisgender woman is described as deeper and full of pressure with contraction of the vaginal wall. Vaginal orgasms take longer than clitoral orgasms to achieve, often taking 20-30 minutes.

In a pre-operative transgender woman the body of the penis serves the same purpose. The orgasms are much as described for those of vaginal origin. Cisgender men often cannot tell a penile head orgasm from a penile body orgasm as both are stimulated simultaneously during penetrative sex and mingle together. However, the more experimental couple may wish to explore the separation of these orgasms. The best way to stimulate the body is with rhythmic hand motions and varying the pressure. Communicate with each other to get the best results.

A post-operative trans woman had the penile body inverted into a vagina so stimulation is very much as with a natural vagina. Rhythmic thrusting with fingers or a toy will elicit the same orgasmic reaction.

The G-Spot or Prostate Orgasm

Both biological sexes have a G-spot. In the biological female body this is a part of the erectile tissue of the clitoral body and vestigial secondary sex glands and is felt as a spongier part of the vaginal wall about 5 cm inside.

In the trans woman, this is the prostate and other secondary sex glands that produce the seminal fluid and are still active after hormone replacement therapy. In a post-operative trans woman, the G-spot can be reached through the vagina as with a cis woman and produces very deep spreading orgasms. From personal experience I find this one of the most intense experiences possible to feel!

For the pre-operative trans woman it can only be approached through the rectal wall. This need not be a squeamish activity but can be extremely intimate and bring you closer together as a couple.

For all G-spot orgasms the approach to take is with pressing and rubbing either with fingers or using a toy. You may wish to mix things up with some rhythmic thrusting in addition to the pressing to add another kind of orgasm into your lovemaking.

The Squirting Orgasm

Again, this kind of orgasm shows how similar the biological sexes are. A cisgender male will almost always ejaculate at climax, but for the trans woman this can become a little more elusive. Testosterone blockers have stopped sperm production and reduced the seminal gland activity. However, with the right stimulation, usually through G-spot fun, it is still possible to ejaculate a small amount of fluid. Like cisgender women, it is not consistent from woman to woman, but certainly fun trying out to see if you or your partner can squirt! Be comfortable with each other and don’t be embarrassed, it’s not urine and ejaculating doesn’t make a trans woman male!

The A-Spot or Seminal Vesicle Orgasm

So, I had never heard of this until reading the original eleven types of orgasm women can have article. It refers to the anterior fornix of the uterus and is located about 5 cm deeper into the vagina than the G-spot. The A-spot is often described as being responsible for having multiple orgasms and doesn’t sensitise after stimulation so can continue to build.

Now, I can say as a trans woman I have definitely experienced building multiple orgasms from deep stimulation. Anatomically there is no anterior fornix but the seminal vesicles are located in this area and can be stimulated in much the same way and are located about 5 cm deeper inside than the prostate.

For all trans women you need to approach with anal penetration as the trans vagina might not go deep enough to reach as deep as the seminal vesicles and may actually be quite uncomfortable. As always communication with your partner is important.

Some cisgender women don’t enjoy A-spot stimulation and the same is true for transgender women. An A-spot orgasm can be quite juddering and may even be painful for some women. Others describe the feeling as electric and much stronger than some of the other orgasms, I am very much in that camp and absolutely adore the A-spot having experienced it before knowing its name!

The Deep Spot Orgasm

This is another relatively unheard of place for orgasm. It refers to the posterior fornix and lies right at the cervix in the biological female. It causes very deep and intense orgasms much like the A-spot. Sadly there is no homologue for the posterior fornix in a trans woman so the A-spot and Deep spot are essentially the same orgasm.

The U-Spot or Coronal Orgasm

Back to similar anatomy developmentally, so both cis and trans woman can enjoy this. In the cisgender woman the U-spot is a small bit of erectile tissue between the urethral opening and the vagina and is highly sensitive needing the softest of touches.

In a trans woman this will be the corona of the penile head, a very sensitive erectile tissue at the junction of the foreskin with the body of the penis. As with the U-spot, a gentle touch only best with a tongue with a carefully rolled back foreskin. If this is painful, as it sometimes can be, use some lubrication.

This orgasm is very similar to the clitoral orgasm and may sometimes merge into each other.

The Nipple/Breast Orgasm

This is my personal favourite! Our bodies are all linked up inside, as many other cultures have described, for example acupuncture points in Chinese medicine. The nipples, areolae and clitoris are all linked together with nerves. Not all cis women will have breasts sensitive enough to experience full orgasm this way.

As a trans woman, particularly in the earlier stages of HRT the breasts and nipples are some of the most sensitive places you will ever have at this time. Use it to your advantage! When a partner has gently nibbled, licked and bitten (softly) at my nipples I have literally been writhing in ecstasy until full climax, and so have many other trans women. Sadly this sensitivity may only be short-lived as the breasts are developing and may become less sensitive in later transition of after transition, but can still be a great source of enjoyment for both.

The Mouth Orgasm

The mouth is obviously identical in all genders and so the sensations are not specific to one gender or another, but more specific to the individual. The women who experience this say it starts at the lips and can then spread to the rest of the body. I have never experience an orgasm from the mouth, but with the right kiss and maybe.

The Skin Orgasm

The skin is grossly underrated as a sexual organ. All our contact with one another is through skin to skin contact and greatly enhances arousal before more intimate activity. Oestrogen has the result of softening and thinning the skin compared to the cisgender male. As a result sensations are more pronounced and arousing. The lightest touch is often more electric than a firmer one and can result in an all over orgasmic experience. Having an emotional attachment and a sensual massage can bring a woman to climax, both cis and trans.

The Mental Orgasm

The brain is very much a sexual organ. Without mental arousal the body has little it can really do! With the right imagination and appropriate cues you can reach orgasm without physical contact. This is why some women can get sexual gratification from watching or listening to others having sex.

For both cis and trans women a vivid imagination can take you on a wild sexual adventure without touching.

Being transgender is an amazing and fascinating experience. We face difficulties and hardships in our everyday lives so having a loving partner to help us explore our changing bodies is very welcome. The human body is a very sensitive and sensual vehicle for an emotional and loving consciousness. Male, female, cis, trans, we’re all a lot more similar than you may have realised.

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Having sex is a big commitment. It comes with its own set of responsibilities and requirements, and it’s hard to know what all you really need to know. Luckily, we’ve collected a few facts that might make your sex life just a little bit sweeter.

1.     You’re probably not being tested for every STD.

This is a scary thought: If you ask to be tested for “everything”, you’re probably only being tested for the most common things. Herpes, HPV, and syphilis are often not tested for unless asked for specifically, or if you exhibit the symptoms associated with that disease. If you’re concerned, make sure you ask about everything. The big ones are chlamydia (which often shows no symptoms), gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, herpes, and trichomoniasis. (If you’re unfamiliar with that last one, you can get a little more information here.)

When you make this request, your doctor will probably ask about your sexual history and specific risk factors you may have. Even if it’s embarrassing, it’s absolutely necessary that you are 100% honest during this discussion – that’s the only way your doctor will know if the test is really necessary. The CDC has produced a handy guide to help you know what you need to know.

(And, of course, you should be practicing safer sex as well as being tested – even if you’re monogamous. It might take away a little of your spontaneity, but it’ll also take away some of the risk of horrible infections.)

2.     Cigarette smoking leads to a reduced genital response.

As a smoker myself (yes, I know how bad it is), this one makes me pretty sad. I mean, my orgasms are pretty good, but science says they’d be better if I quit smoking. This has something to do with the concentration – nicotine affects your blood pressure, which makes it more difficult for the blood to rush into your sensitive bits. If you are a smoker, and you have no intentions of quitting (which you probably should anyway), try to refrain from nicotine use directly before sex, and see if it makes any difference for you.

3.     Drunk sex isn’t very good.

This one seems like it’s not true – many of us get incredibly aroused once we’ve downed a few drinks. But alcohol is a depressant, and that means it will reduce the responsiveness of your sensitive regions, making them… Well, less sensitive. Just because you think you want it more doesn’t mean you should go through with it.

(If you must get it on while you’re drinking, it’s much better if you stop when you’re buzzed. The more you’ve had to drink, the lower your inhibitions will be, but the less likely you’ll have a satisfying outcome. Save it ‘till the morning after.)

4.    Sex, in general, is really good for you.

While orgasms definitely have their own benefits, research shows that there are added bonuses associated with regular lovin’. Orgasms can help lower your blood pressure, eliminate the stress, shut down the worst parts of a migraine, and even help to boost your immune system. As if you needed another reason to get naked with your woman, am I right?

5.     Sex burns calories – even if you’re just receiving.

The exact number of calories you burn will depend on the specific acts you’re participating in, but being an active receiver (that is, not just lying there) burns about 3 calories per minute. More active sex burns even more calories, of course – so get creative!

Additionally, sex as an exercise is great. It increases your bond with your partner and can help keep you in shape – so if you’re self-conscious about your naked body, getting it on with your lover can actually help fix the problem. It’ll take time, of course, and it’s probably best if it’s not your only form of exercise, but if you’re not sure where to start, it’s probably the most fun workout you’ll ever have.

6.    Your brain reacts similarly to sex as it would to drugs or candy.

The pleasure center in your brain, responsible for determining positive activities, goes completely haywire when you’re getting freaky. It’s actually been shown that stimulating the nipples lights up the same part of your brain as genital stimulation – for both men and women. This confirms what we’ve secretly always known: The nipples should definitely get some action, too.

More than just that, though, is the fact that the part of your brain that controls your fear response pretty much shuts down while you’re experiencing the waves of pleasure. This particular effect can help explain why some people have fetishes involving things that might otherwise be off the table – such as choking, biting, and butt-smacking.

7.     Men fake orgasms, too.

This is one of those things that many women think they’ve got a monopoly on. You don’t. Approximately 30% of men polled by Time Out New York said that they had faked an orgasm. Overall, this number might be smaller – it’s difficult to gauge the exact numbers on such a sensitive issue.

8.    Many people who fake orgasms do it for really sweet reasons.

In a recent study (which focused primarily on heterosexual women – although we might not be as different as we think), many reported that they had faked orgasms in an effort to protect their partner’s feelings. Others said that they had hoped it would increase their own arousal, as some type of self-fulfilling prophecy – willing a fake orgasm to become a real one.

Other people had less selfless reasons. Some said that they faked it because they had insecurities. Some even reported that they faked an orgasm as a way to hurry up and get it over with. We’d prefer to keep things real, though – and your partner would probably prefer if you did, too.

9.    It’s OK if you don’t get off every time.

In fact, it’s completely normal, and we need to learn how to accept that, as a society. On average, a woman will orgasm about two thirds of the time (although we expect that number is a little higher for lesbians, wink wink). Men, on the other hand, will orgasm about 91% of the time.

Realistically speaking, you shouldn’t put so much of a focus on orgasm in the first place. Sex is like pizza – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Understand that it’s not always going to be a home run – sometimes you’ll just bunt it to first base. Consider yourself lucky if this number seems low for you – you’ve got a good thing going with your partner!

10.                        Communication makes an orgasm more likely.

Women who talk dirty during the act are more likely to get off – as are those who mix things up. If your partner seems to be having a hard time getting there, try switching it up. If you’ve been giving mostly oral stimulation, consider trying penetration for a while. If your partner is into anal play, try that too. If you really want to blow her mind, you can always add more into the mix.

For some people, it might be easier to orgasm if you have a loving and emotionally intimate relationship with your partner. This can make the communication come a little easier, too, so don’t hold back! The more detailed your sexual conversation is, the more likely your partner is going to get it just right, so feel free to lay out all your desires on the table. (For me, personally, hearing my partner moan while pleasuring me is a huge turn-on, too, but only if it sounds natural. I don’t advise faking noises, if you’re the quiet type, but make sure you’re not stifling them, either.)

11. Lube is nothing to be ashamed of.

Sometimes, we associate artificial lubrication with a lack of arousal – but there are a million reasons why a woman might not be as wet as she could be. While there are definitely some people who use lube to help them when they’re not particularly aroused, some women just don’t produce enough moisture on their own. It doesn’t mean they don’t want it – it means their body isn’t cooperating with them.

Even for those who do get sufficiently wet before sexual play, using lube can increase your sexual satisfaction. Friction definitely has its place in sexual fun, but so does slipperiness – and lube provides that slipperiness. If you’ve never incorporated lube into your routine, consider giving it a shot – you never know what you could be missing!

12. Moderate exercise can put you in the mood.

As if exercise didn’t already come with a slew of great benefits, it can actually help put you in the mood, too. (Surprisingly, this is even true if the woman’s libido has been diminished due to antidepressants.) It also helps to boost endurance, strength, and confidence, all of which can help make the entire sexual experience more fulfilling for all parties involved.

An estimated 10% of women can actually get so turned on by exercise that they have what is referred to as a “coregasm”. Something about the way the abdominal muscles are engaged leads to a heightened state of arousal, and even with women who can’t experience a full-blown orgasm this way, engaging your core during your normal sexual activities can help you boost your enjoyment, leading to a stronger orgasm than usual. Give it a try!

13. If your eventual goal is penetrative sex… Don’t start with it.

We’ve already said that a variety of sexual acts are necessary for most women to achieve orgasm, but the order in which you do these acts (or, at least, the order in which they’re introduced) can have a big impact on things. The non-penetrative sexual acts are responsible for vaginal tenting (which is what makes the vagina bigger, to make room for penetrative fingers, toys, etc.) as well as vaginal lubrication.

Of course, even if you’re using a high-quality lubricant, like we suggested above, non-penetrative sex has been shown to increase arousal and blood flow to the genital region. I’m sure you’re well aware that more blood in the genitals means that the area is more sensitive – so it’ll feel better the longer you “play around” first.

14. Most people want foreplay to last longer than it does.

This study (which focused on heterosexual couples) found that both men and women longed for more foreplay before the “final act”. In same-sex relationships, the foreplay often lasts longer than with heterosexual couples, but it’s still not a bad idea to give it more attention. After all, the longer you leave your partner wanting it, the better it’ll feel when you finally get it.

In fact, teasing should be an occasional “final act” in itself. After all, we’ve already said that you’re not going to get off every time – so why not let your partner intentionally leave you hanging sometimes, and finish up the next night? This delayed gratification goes against what we think we want, but the truth is, the longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you do finally get it.

15. Your “safer sex” is probably not as safe as it could be.

Before I have people getting up in arms and telling me I’m making an unfair assumption, let me clarify. Most methods of safer sex are highly effective, but only if you use them every time, correctly, and early – like, before you start.

If you’re having heterosexual sex, slight mistakes in your birth control plan can lead to unintended pregnancies, and any skin-to-skin genital contact puts you at risk for certain STDs, whether either partner has reached climax or not. That means that the already-low 12% of people who use safer sex methods in the first place are decreasing their effectiveness by not using it as directed, or by not using it until after they’ve already started. This is actually just as bad as not using protection at all!

16. Most people stop using protection too early.

The majority of people between 18 and 34 only use protection for about two months after being exclusive, according to a study by Trojan. This might seem like a decent length of time to wait, but unless you’re having the full let’s-get-tested talk (and actually going through with the testing) before ditching your safer sex methods, you’re probably not protecting yourself.

The truth is, monogamy doesn’t mean safe sex. Since many STDs can exist without noticeable symptoms, it’s a little scary thinking that only about a quarter of people (out of the roughly 12% who use it in the first place) don’t even talk about getting tested. A one-time test and then safer sex from there on does not necessarily mean you’re safe – get tested regularly, just in case.

17. Talking after sex is really good for you.

When you’re basking in the afterglow of your orgasm and your brain is swimming with all those happy little chemicals, intimate chats are much more open. Sometimes, we might get embarrassed by this unintentional openness and try to hold it back – don’t do that! The effects that an orgasm have on your brain affect your pillow talk and give you greater benefits. (Yes, this one’s backed by science, too – see this study for more information.)

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Vaginas are magical, mystical parts of the human body that have, for a long time, gone unnoticed. But whether you’re celebrating the ban against female genital mutilation (like in Gambia, here, or Nigeria, here) or just really happy that you’re a PVO (Proud Vagina Owner), we’d like to make sure you’re doing everything just perfect so that your vagina stays happy.

The Vulva

This is the true name for the part of the body that most women mistakenly call “the vagina”. The vulva is actually just the external part of the vagina. It’s not a specific part, in and of itself, but it’s a collective name for the area that contains the mons pubis, the labia (the outer labia, or labia majora, and the inner labia, or labia minora. We’ll get into that in just a minute.

The Mons Pubis

The mons doesn’t get a lot of attention – at least not in talking. Truthfully, the mons pubis is made up of the two halves of the labia majora. Its name literally means “pubic mound” – and it’s not hard to see why. This region is often rounded, especially for larger vagina-owners, and its general purpose is protection – not sexual gratification. (But that’s not to say that rubbing and kissing on it is a bad idea – hint hint!)

The Labia

The labia, or the “lips” of the vagina, is composed of two pairs of lip-like skin-flaps. (That’s definitely not a very sexy way to put it!) Your outer labia (or labia majora) will grow pubic hair, but your inner labia (or labia minora) will not. These flaps of skin are responsible for helping keep debris away from the more sensitive parts of your vagina. Shaving the hair in this region is largely a matter of personal preference, but the hair actually is there to serve a purpose, and shaving it off sets you up for infections and other unsavory results. If you’re really concerned with how bushy it is (hint: you shouldn’t be!) consider trimming the hair with scissors, as opposed to shaving it completely off. Trust me, it’s much healthier for your vagina that way, and your partner should understand you prioritizing your health. (If he or she doesn’t, kick them to the curb – your sexual health is way more important than their sexual gratification.)

The Hymen

The hymen is a small membrane inside the vagina. For a very, very long time, it was considered a sign of virginity – but as our sexual awareness became greater, we’ve learned that there are other things that can affect the hymen besides just penetrative sex. Horseback riding, tampon use, and some falls can break this thin membrane. Additionally, a hymen owner can have non-penetrative sex their first time, which makes them not a virgin – but with an intact hymen. (In theory, of course. Most of the time, the hymen will be broken by some act.) This small bit of skin is the part that we think of bleeding during your first penetrative sexual experience. (Sorry to disappoint the guys who might be reading this, who thought it was your huge girthy penis that made her bleed. It wasn’t.)

The Vagina

The actual vagina is just the canal that connects the vulva to the cervix. (Personally, I often refer to the entire tube as “the cervix”, but that’s not really correct, either.) This is the part of your body where a tampon will lie, if you choose to use tampons. We often hear of a “tight” or “loose” vagina – but there’s something you should know. The vagina is a muscular tube; it expands and contracts based on stimulation. A non-aroused vagina is about three inches long and less than an inch around. If it seems like there’s more room in there, that’s because the vaginal walls are folded to allow it to expand – several more inches in length can be “added”, and many inches in width as well. The vagina also produces a fluid that not only helps to lubricate for sexual activity, but also works to clean and prevent bacteria and yeast growth. This fluid is a type of mucus, very similar to saliva, but often much thicker.

The Cervix

The cervix is a part of the vagina that most people don’t really come into contact with, aside from when they’re born. This part of the vagina is often called the “birth canal”, because it’s really just a tube that leads from the uterus to the vaginal canal, and helps to push the baby through during childbirth. Some women may enjoy deep penetrative sex that reaches to the cervix, but for most women, this is incredibly uncomfortable. This isn’t a very long tube, though – it is about 1/3 of the uterus and basically only exists as a “guide rail” to help things move into or out of the uterus as necessary.

The Clitoris

Most lesbians are pretty well-versed in where the clitoris is. (It’s often called just the “clit” – this is not considered incorrect, just informal.) The clitoris is a sensitive bit of tissue that’s responsible for very intense, but often shallow, orgasms. The entire clitoris is about the size of a soybean, but you can’t see most of it. For those who are used to handling a penis, the clitoris is very biologically similar, and responds well to similar stimulation – just remember to be gentle! There are thousands of nerve endings in the clitoris, which is responsible purely for sexual gratification.

The Female Reproductive System, As a Whole

While this area is widely recognized as the female reproductive system, this implies a need to reproduce – and that’s really not its only purpose. Your reproductive system performs a variety of tasks that range from increasing sexual gratification (like the folds in the vagina – these add friction and stimulation to the partner who is penetrating) to lubrication (like the vaginal epithelium) to simply protecting the vagina from injury and infection (yes – I’m talking about the labia and pubic hair here).

If you have a vagina, it is your right and responsibility to be familiar with it. There are many more components to your sexual anatomy than just the ones we’ve covered here, and understanding how they all work together can help demystify the sexual experience for everyone involved. If your partner doesn’t have a vagina and doesn’t know how to properly handle one, let them know! This is your body and you have every right to insist it’s taken care of by your partner. Just make sure you’re doing your part, too.

For more information, please check out the interactive diagram, located here, or simply take the time to get to know your vagina. Feel around and get comfortable! It’s easiest to explore in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Learn what works for you, so that you can better explain to your partner how to please you. (And if you and your partner both own a vagina of your own, you might even be able to surprise her with your new findings!)

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We (as a society) tend to put a lot of focus on losing our virginity. There are some people who lose it really young, because that’s what they think everyone else is doing. There are some who hang onto it until they’re married because they think that’s what you’re supposed to do. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of these approaches, but most people fall somewhere in between.

The truth is, your virginity is really only yours. No one can tell you when the right time to lose it will be, because everyone is different. Circumstances change from person to person (and sometimes even from one day to the next) and there really are no right or wrong answers. The only way to really know it’s the right time for you is if you already know all of the following information – and you still want to proceed.

How many of these did you already know? And, if you’ve already lost your virginity, how many did you know before the big day?

1. Your brain is the real MVP here – so act like it.

For many women, their brain isn’t in the right place before losing their virginity. We often tend to ignore our brains when we’re horny – which results in poor choices for a sexual partner (I’m sure you’ve been there before), decisions to “forget” safer sex practices (most people think about it – but not everyone follows through), and many other bad choices. Your brain is literally the smartest part of your body, so why would you ignore it at such a big moment in your life?

But it’s not really your fault, especially if you lost your V-Card early (according to society’s standards). The part of your brain that’s responsible for impulse control isn’t fully formed until you’re in your twenties. This basically legitimizes any use of “I was a dumb teenager back then” or “But I didn’t know any better” – it’s true!

If your impulse control isn’t fully developed yet, that doesn’t mean that you’re not capable of making smart choices, though – it’ll just take you a little longer to reach the right conclusion. For best results, you should try to wait as long as possible, to let all the information fully sink in before making your next move. You should be processing each decision for at least a full minute – at this point, it’s less impulse and more thoughtfulness, which develops a little younger.

2. Your heart is a key player, too.

When you’re young, it’s easy to confuse your racing heart for feelings of love. But the truth is, love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action – meaning the fluttery feeling you get around your crush is nothing more than hormones. (Sorry to be the bearer of bad news!)

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. The butterflies you feel in your stomach and the heart palpitations that are running rampant often inspire you to bond with a person – which will create a deep, true feeling of love. (OK, so maybe love is an action and a feeling.) But generally speaking, it takes months or even years to actually fall in love with a person – everything up to that point is just chemical reactions and mixed signals from your body.

There’s nothing wrong with this, though. Just make sure that if you’re having sex with someone because you love them, you’ve given your body ample opportunity to wean itself off the initial highs. It can be very easy to confuse love and infatuation, and many people (even older people!) have a hard time telling the difference. It might be cliché, but you’ll know when it’s something greater – and it won’t fade away.

3. Your sexual health is your responsibility.

The term “sexually transmitted disease” is a bit misleading, because virgins may think that they’re completely safe because they’ve never engaged in intercourse before. But there are a few reasons why this thinking is flawed. First of all, while we associate STDs with penetrative sex, many are passed on by simple skin-to-skin contact. If you’ve ever borrowed a friend’s underwear or engaged in dry humping (which most consider to “not be real sex”), you have actually put yourself at risk for certain STDs.

Additionally, oral sex (which many do not consider to be a “virginity-taking activity”) can spread STDs as well, so make sure you’ve been tested if you’ve had any sexual contact with a partner. Truly, the only 100% safe sexual activity is no sexual activity, so make sure you’re taking the precautions that you can.

Beyond just those which involve the genitals, sexually transmitted diseases can be passed on from seemingly-unrelated activities as well. Many of the “more serious” STDs are caught from infected blood. This means that kissing someone with sores in their mouth, sharing needles (whether for piercings, tattoos, or intravenous drug use), and blood-letting activities can all cause the spread of STDs, too – even to virgins.

While you should be safeguarding yourself every step of the way, the truth is that most people don’t even know how to properly protect themselves. It’s your responsibility to be informed, and you have the right to ask your partner to be informed, as well. Many places have free or low-cost clinics to help test for sexually transmitted diseases. You should get tested regularly, even if you don’t show any signs. Many STDs have no visible symptoms, but can still be passed from one person to another. And don’t be afraid to ask your partner to get tested before you get into bed with them – it’s not rude, it’s responsible.

4. Your vagina doesn’t always know what it’s talking about (so to speak).

Maybe you get really wet when you’re around the person you’re into. Does that mean you’re ready for sex? Well, not always. This means that your body is physically preparing you to have sex with that person – but there’s still more work that needs to be done first.

All too often, we (as a society) let our actions be influenced far too much by what someone else thinks is right. And sometimes, even your vagina is out to see you fail. If you’re letting the excretion of mucus from your nether regions dictate your sex life, you’re doing it wrong.

Let me clarify to say that there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex, or even being “promiscuous” (as long as you’re doing it safely and with respect to all parties involved. But letting your vagina make your decisions for you is dangerous, both for your sexual health as well as your mental health. Many people who gave into their hormones at the first sign of an opening will come to regret it later in life.

The best course of action is to let your mind lead the way. Trust me on this one. If your brain is in the right place before sexual activity, your vagina is definitely going to cooperate, and there is a lower chance of regret. (Note: You still might regret your first sexual experience, but it’s best if you eliminate as many risk factors as possible first.)

5. Your vagina is a complicated piece of machinery.

Most people take for granted that the vagina is pretty straight-forward. It’s not. There’s quite a learning curve associated with it, and truthfully most sex ed curricula doesn’t give it enough attention. There’s a lot going on down there, and ideally you should understand it before you open the doors for someone else.

Some common misconceptions:

• You don’t pee from your vagina. You pee from your urethra, which is actually closer to the opening of the vagina than you might think. In the penis, sperm and urine must pass through the same tube, but that’s not the case for vaginas.
• Your clitoris is a lot bigger than it looks. This means that you can actually stroke it, very similar to how you might stroke a penis, and it causes a great deal of pleasure.
• Your pubic hair is there for a reason. Shaving it off is actually a bad idea – but as a society, we’ve been conditioned to think that women should only have hair on our heads. This is 100% societal construct. Pubic hair is not unclean, it does not imply that you don’t care about yourself, and demanding that your partner shave it off makes you a jerk. No exceptions.

Threesomes are scary territory for many people. Realistically, they add an extra element to your sexual relationships that might not be possible without a third person – but there can be a lot of emotional needs involved too. We must urge our readers that are considering having a threesome to openly communicate with all people involved to make sure that everyone’s personal needs and boundaries are being respected.

But what if you already know a threesome is what you want, but you’re not sure where to go after that? Well, we’ve got you covered! We’ve compiled a list of threesome sex positions that will accommodate a third person, whether male or female. We have tried to focus on positions that can incorporate either.

Curious and ready to get started? Here they are!

1. The Equilateral Triangle

One partner will be lying on their back. The other two partners will be seated such that one is on the first partner’s face, and the other is straddling and being penetrated by the first partner. (If you’d prefer, these two can be swapped, into more of a missionary position.) The upright partners will be free to make out, caress each other, and whatever else they desire as they are mutually pleasured by the partner who is lying down.

2. The Eiffel Tower

One partner should be on their hands and knees, positioned between the other two. One partner should be behind her, pleasuring her from behind. (You can use toys, your fingers, or your mouth – whichever you prefer.) The third partner will be in front of her, receiving oral pleasure from her. (The profile of this position should look like a capital letter A, or the Eiffel Tower.)

3. The Double Tease

One partner will be designated “the receiver”. If you want, you can bind and blindfold the receiver so that they are completely at the mercy of the other two. The “giving” partners will them simultaneously pleasure the “receiver”. Making out with each other while giving oral sex is a great option, but the possibilities are limitless.

4. The Doggy Dare

One partner should be lying on her back, with her legs spread. The second partner will be on her hands and knees, providing oral pleasure to her partner while simultaneously receiving pleasure from behind. You may choose to use toys, fingers, or your tongue – it’s all a matter of personal preference.

5.    The Daisy Chain

All three partners should be lying on their sides, each with their head between the legs of the next. (Truthfully, you can add as many people into this one as you please, as long as each has room to spread out and provide pleasure.) From there, the three of you simply pleasure each other however you see fit. The most obvious choice here is oral sex, but you may prefer something else.

6.    The Bystander

Two partners will have sex in whatever position they’d like (or, ideally, many positions). The third person will watch, command, and/or masturbate, instead of actively participating. This is great for people who are unsure about having a “real” threesome, as well as for those who get off on watching (or being watched). If you all agree, this bystander may eventually join in.

7.    The Multi-Tasker

This position requires two “receivers” and one giver, which can be incredibly sexy, but may be more difficult to execute. Two of the partners should be lying on their sides, their stomachs, or whatever position is most comfortable for them – but the important part is that they are not allowed to touch each other. The third person will pleasure both partners – whether simultaneously, or alternating. (We find that orally pleasing one while penetrating the other with a toy is the easiest, but your personal preferences may vary.

Porn has come a long way over the years. What started as a dirty little secret kept by teen boys under their mattresses is now a huge industry that caters to every fantasy you might ever have (or even think about). The subject of porn itself is largely divided, though – some people steadily maintain it’s just harmless entertainment, while others tout lists of evils that the porn industry is responsible for.

Here at KitschMix, we talk about the wonders of masturbation. Like, a lot. And it would seem that porn and masturbation go hand-in-hand – but do they really?

Porn actually messes with your brain.

It seems strange to think about, but it’s actually been scientifically proven that “compulsive porn users” react to pornographic cues in the same way that a drug user would react to drug cues. There’s a section of the human brain that was developed when civilization was still relatively unheard of. This part of the brain deals with pain and pleasure (or punishment and reward, whichever way you choose to look at it).

Now, the brain’s reward center actually does a lot of good for the body. We naturally associate things like sex, food, and intimacy as positive things. This is good when they’re done in moderation. But in some people, an excess of the chemicals produced for these events can lead to a strong dependence – a literal addiction to either food, sex, or physical touching. For a food addiction, this can often mean that the person will consume large quantities of high-calorie, low-nutrient food. For those who crave touching, it can create a sense of neediness.

(Please note that needing your partner’s touch is not automatically a bad thing – but if the need is so strong that it impacts your daily life, that is definitely a problem.)

When we translate this to porn, it means that we’re always searching for the “bigger high”. For people with an addiction to pornography and sex, this means that the “normal, boring” sex is often not enough, and the person will always be reaching for the next big thrill.

Kinks in sex are not a bad thing, either. But if you are unable to have a pleasurable sexual experience unless your kinks are satisfied, this can create a lot of undue strain in a relationship. And of course, if your partner isn’t meeting your sexual needs, you’re more likely to turn to porn – which only deepens the inadequacy of your partner.

Porn creates unfair ideals.

Porn’s detractors often cite the unrealistic body types represented in porn. The women are often busty, feminine, and downright gorgeous. That’s because it’s a consumer industry, and that’s what people want to see. But it creates another sense of inadequacy if you don’t meet those ideals.

(Note: Please don’t base your body image on any media representations, especially ones that value “conventional beauty”. You do not have to look like that to be gorgeous.)

Some people like to claim that this is mostly unfair to women, but it actually does extend to men, too. Think about the last porn you saw that featured a male actor. (If you’ve never watched porn that included a man, feel free to skip this section.) Most likely, these men are well-groomed, well-endowed, and well-off (at least as far as appearances go). How many men are actually hung like a horse and waxed and oiled and rich? Not very many.

I’ve already said that porn is a consumer industry, and that means that it wouldn’t be that way unless people wanted to see it like that. But unfortunately, this creates even more of a rift between the porn addict and their partner. Since it’s nearly impossible for the partner to match up to the expectations of professional sex actors (yes, it’s important to remember that’s what they are), it can create a sense that the partner will never be good enough.

Often, the porn addict won’t see it like this. He or she may even think that it’s a way to get their fantasies fulfilled without disrespecting their partner. But the truth is, over time, you will grow to expect these things – even if you don’t think you will.

Over time, you will build a tolerance.

Most likely, when you started looking at porn, it was just still images of naked women. (I’m pretty sure that’s how it usually starts.) But you know that there’s more out there, just a few clicks away – and you will find it. The internet is already a crazy place, but add in the perceived pleasures that could be waiting just around the proverbial corner, and you’re setting yourself up to need bigger and better.

Eventually, these occasional indulgences become serious fantasies, and at that point, it can become hard to be satisfied until you’ve checked them off your list. You’ll want porn that goes above and beyond the edgiest you’ve seen so far, and you’ll want your sex life to step up to the plate. The same sex you’ve had a hundred times is suddenly not so great anymore – you need more.

Trying new things in the bedroom is good. The feeling of being completely sexually uninhibited with your partner is one of the most liberating and invigorating feelings you can experience. But it’s important to remember that not everyone is into the same things – and if you pressure your partner into doing things that she’s not really sure about, it’s probably going to be awful for her – which means it’s going to suck for you, too.

It can be tempting to want to try every new thing that you saw in a porno, but it’s important for you (and your partner) to remember that sex is deeply personal. Just because it worked for some actors doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you – and even if it does, that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do things.

Try to remember that your partner’s sexual needs are important, too, even if that means she doesn’t want to participate in the activities you’ve got planned. If it’s so important to you that you feel the need to make a big deal out of it – chances are, she’s not the right partner for you. Either you or her would need to change drastically to make the relationship work. Are you ready to take on that challenge?

(Hint: When in doubt, do not assume your partner will change for you. It’s wrong to expect her to, and if she does change for you, it’s your responsibility to make it worth her while.)

Habitual porn use changes your actual sex life.

The more frequently you’re exposed to pornographic images, the harder it is to be sexually aroused by your partner. This can be particularly ironic if you’re watching porn with your partner, in order to get in the mood. It’ll probably work, but it’ll become an associated part of the sexual experience – leading to issues if you don’t have the porn to kick-start things.

“Easy,” you might think. “Just watch a porn every time you want to get intimate.”

Well… Yes and no. Again, it’ll probably work, but your partner is quite likely to feel inadequate because of this. How would you feel if she was more aroused by a stranger than by you? It’s a painful thought, even though it’s not (entirely) your fault. It’s just how our brains work.

This happens because we are so inundated with possibilities and ideas that we have a hard time being satisfied by things that aren’t new and novel. When’s the last time you watched the same porn twice? Probably never – or very rarely. That’s because we know there’s something else out there. Why would we be content for the same thing every time?

This is damaging when our brain starts to associate it with real sex, too. I’ve often thought that watching pornography was not as bad as cheating, but the truth is habitual porn watching may actually make you more inclined to stray. If your partner loses her novelty and you’re after the newest piece of eye candy, your brain can deceive you and make you think that a wandering eye is a good option. This has the potential to turn ugly, pretty quick.

Of course, this isn’t to say that porn watchers are always cheaters. Not even close. There is an implied sense of willpower and self-control. For those whose self-control is more powerful than the allure of these new, novel, beautiful women, infidelity isn’t even an option – but, then again, I wouldn’t consider those people to be porn and/or sex addicts, either.

Is it hopeless?

In short: No. But if you have a strong dependence on porn, it’ll probably be hard. You can reverse the effects of a porn addiction, just like any other addiction, but only if you’re dedicated to fixing the situation. If you think of the negative associations with porn (the above, as well as social anxiety, depression, and overall arousal addiction), it might be a little easier to let go.

If you want to see a true change in your sex life, try giving up porn completely. It might seem drastic, but if the addiction to porn is enough to cause strain in your personal relationships, it’s time to make some changes. Focus on how things could be better, and in as little as two to three months, they may very well have gotten better – as long as you’re diligent.

Truthfully, porn is intended to be shock media. We associate it with arousal, but that’s not its only purpose. The porn industry at large is bent on making money – not curing any problems. Use porn for inspiration, not replacement. It’s perfectly normal to want to look, as long as you don’t make it your primary goal.

You can thank me later!

Sex is weird. There’s pretty much no way around it. But you know what’s even more weird? That little period of time after you’ve both gotten off, but before you’ve done anything else. This time is particularly sensitive – especially since different women have different ideas of what should come after.

Do you cuddle? Only if your partner is into it. Do you leave? Only if your partner isn’t in it for the long haul. Do you change your relationship status on Facebook? Well… Probably not. (And please, no after-sex selfies, either.)

We have put together a list of the xx most common things that people do wrong after sex. Will you join me in pledging to put an end to these bad habits?

1.    Stop going to sleep right after.

Okay, I get it – sex makes you sleepy. But especially if your partner isn’t done yet, you shouldn’t be rolling over and catching some shut-eye right away. Those blissful minutes after climax are wasted, because you’re not basking in the afterglow of the shared moments – you’re basking in the sound of your partner’s gentle snoring.

Even if you’re not looking for multiple climaxes, it’s worth it to stay up for a while after sex. Whether you spend the time talking, cuddling, or engaging in round two is pretty much up to the two of you, but sleep shouldn’t be on the menu – at least not most of the time.

2.    Stop rushing for the bathroom.

Sex, when done properly, can be a messy experience. I get that, too. Sometimes we’re so done with sex that all we can think about is peeing and wiping ourselves up. (By the way, if you’re not using the restroom after penetrative sex, you could be setting yourself up for a UTI – not fun.)

When we make way for the bathroom, the message we’re sending to our partner is that a) we come first, and b) sex is done because we’re done. Neither of these messages is very loving. Instead of rushing off to the bathroom to make sure you can wash up first, take a little time to see if you’ll be giving round two a shot – sometimes it’s worth it!

3.    Stop picking up your phone afterwards.

I am so guilty of grabbing my tablet after sex and going to play a game for a few minutes. It feels like your brain needs time to de-fuzz-ify and a quick text message, Temple Run game, or a scroll through Facebook seems like just the ticket.

On the other side of things, I do know how this comes across to my partner. If the first thing you do after sex is switch your attention to something else, it might make your partner question whether your mind was really in it at all – which is not a sexy feeling. The Wi-Fi will still be there after you’ve decompressed – give your partner a fair amount of time.

4.    Stop going back to work right after.

I’ll admit that I’m strongly drawn to the idea of a before-work (or work-break) quickie. This seems to be especially true when I’m looking for new sex positions to post to the site. I get so wrapped up in the magic of the quickie that I’m refreshed and ready to get back to work right away. If you had time to have sex, you’ve got a few minutes to show your partner you cherish her – be fair!

Even in a committed relationship, doing this repeatedly can make your partner feel like you’re just using her. Of course we know that’s not the case, but your girlfriend can’t see into your mind – she only knows the messages you lay out in the open. And the message you’re saying when you go right back to work is “I got what I wanted – now I’m leaving you again.”

5.    Stop sleeping in the other room.

I used to be in an on-again, off-again relationship. Truthfully, even when we were “off”, we still had the most mind-blowing sex I’d ever had. (Current partner is better, but just slightly – I think it’s because she treats me better.) The thing that pissed me off the most about the situation was that she’d go sleep out on the couch when we were done. After all, in her mind I was “still an ex”, and you don’t sleep in your ex’s bed… Right?

But from my end, it sent a message that I was only good for one thing – and that’s something that can carry through even if you aren’t “separated but still sleeping together”. If you show your partner that you don’t want to stick around after, she’s going to get the message that all you’re after is the sex. Don’t make her feel like that – especially if you love her. No matter what your sleeping arrangements are the rest of the time, you should sleep together after you sleep together. It’s just common courtesy.

6.    Stop letting the kids (or fur babies) in the bed right after.

My puppy is a bit of a pervert. We stick her in a kennel when we’re getting intimate, because if we don’t, she’ll try to join in. (We often joke that she’s our “side chick”, but really, bestiality is gross, please don’t do it.) However, being in the kennel makes her cry – so we let her out as soon as the pants are back on.

The only problem with this (or, if you have human children) is that it destroys the sexual sanctuary. Sure, your bed might be primarily for sleeping, but during that time after you’ve had sex, your bed should be a sacred place for you and your partner. Your own timelines might vary, but generally speaking, if you’re still flushed, it’s definitely too soon!

7.    Stop eating after. (Like… Really. Stop.)

This is another one I’m guilty of. Sex works up quite an appetite sometimes, even if you’ve eaten some sexy foods just before (or during!) the intimate act itself. But when you go into the kitchen right afterward and immediately whip up a sandwich, it pretty much ruins the passion and guarantees that you won’t be going for round two.

Yes, refilling your calories after sex is important – but a bottle of water or a Gatorade will actually help refresh you more than food will right then. Not only that, but it will keep you from breaking your “sex focus” – whereas cooking, assembling, or otherwise preparing a meal or snack can be disastrous to the overall mood.

Shower sex. It’s mysterious, sexy, and generally a fantasy among women. There’s something sexy about the idea of getting dirty in a place you usually get clean – which makes it a very subtle taboo. Plus, with slippery soap, sensual scents, and wet, naked bodies – it’s easy to see how it can be an attractive idea.

But does the experience of shower sex live up to the hype?

Of course, that will depend on your own personal preferences. Not everyone likes the same things, and something that would be a deal-breaker for me could be a turn-on for you. I don’t know your life!

Check out the following list and see if shower sex is worth it to you:

Water in your nose.

I don’t know about you, but I hate the feeling of water in my nose. I plug my nose getting into a swimming pool, going under in the bath tub, and yeah – when I’m rinsing my face. I’ve got a very sensitive nose canal, and water in there just drives me up the wall.

If you don’t have a sensitive nose, maybe it’s not a big deal to you. Or maybe if you invest in little nose plugs – I could see that being a thing!

Massaging shower wand.

At the risk of sounding like a total creep here, most women have “experimented” with the shower wand at least once in their lives. And if you haven’t, you probably should – it’s an experience that’s pretty much unmatched by anything else. Shower sex is pretty much the only chance you’ll have to use that massaging showerhead on someone other than yourself – and if your partner hasn’t played with it herself, she’s in for a real treat!

If you don’t have a massaging shower wand, get one. Aside from being a great way to “release tension” on occasion, they can help work out minor knots and kinks in your back. They probably won’t help with tangled hair (especially if your water pressure is high) but the warm water can really do wonders.

Limited space.

Many showers aren’t much bigger than the front seat of a car – which is not a lot of room to work with, and if either you or your partner is claustrophobic, adding a second person into that space can cause some tension.

If neither of you is claustrophobic, though, or you have a nice, spacious (non-public) shower area to work with, the confinement might add a similar allure as getting it on in a supply closet – now who hasn’t had that fantasy before?

Steam.

If you and your partner both like nice, hot, steamy showers, trust me – there’s a reason people refer to sex scenes as steamy. The hot water and resulting steam (as long as it’s not hot enough to burn you!) adds a sexy, mysterious element to your escapades. There’s something magical about the hazy look.

Please, please make sure that the water isn’t hot enough to burn either of you, though. Sex burns are not fun, and if they require medical treatment, they can be pretty awkward to explain.

Slippery textures.

Oil wrestling. Satin sheets. Jell-o wrestling. Latex body paint. Mud wrestling. Personal lubricants. What do they all have in common? They’ve all got slippery textures and are incredibly sexy. This isn’t a coincidence, either. Slick and slippery textures directly relate to arousal. In the shower, there are plenty of slippery opportunities – soapy lather on her breasts, the wetness between both your legs…

But be careful of the other slippery textures involved with shower sex. When the soap you’ve been rubbing each other down with makes its way to the floor, there will be an implied risk of slipping and falling. I’ve found that conditioner and hair treatments are especially guilty of this. Most people will be able to stop themselves from falling, but once your legs are weak, all bets are off!

Lack of safety support.

Generally speaking, showers aren’t designed to keep you from falling. There are adjustments that can be made – safety rails, walk-out doors, little rubber floor pads – to help minimize the safety risks, but showers aren’t a very safe place to have sex.

If you’re going to be attempting sex in the shower, it’s best if you make sure you’ve got at least the most basic safety precautions in mind. I’d advise the grips for the floor of the tub, and shower doors – not a shower curtain. (If you’ve ever tried to catch yourself on a shower curtain, you’ll no doubt know that they will not hold your weight – a door stands a chance.)

Excitement out of the bedroom.

I think one of the biggest pulls of shower sex is that it’s a pleasure you can enjoy outside of the bedroom. Many women are aroused by the idea of having sex in new and exciting places, and the first time anywhere new is the best. If you (or your partner) falls in this category, it’s definitely worth having shower sex at least once. You might find out you like it more than bed sex!

But if you’re satisfied with the sex you’re already having, shower sex doesn’t provide any solid benefits over having sex in other places. It’s dangerous and awkward, and it can be tough to find the right angles to get the job done. For me, it’s not really worth it most of the time – but there are always exceptions.

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Not all sexual adventures are great, and in a way, that’s OK. If you haven’t had bad sex, you won’t fully appreciate good sex – and if the bad sex comes after you’ve only had good sex your whole life, you’re not likely to appreciate mediocre sex in the future, when you know you could have better. Sure, sex shouldn’t be the most important thing in your life (or your relationship), but the fact is, while you’re having sex, it’s pretty much the most important thing.

I’ve had a fair amount of sex in my life. Some has been good, some has been just OK, and some has been downright horrible. (I even had one person bite me down there – like, really hard. Maybe some people are into that, but I am definitely not. Keep the teeth away!)

But what goes through your mind when you’re having wonderful, passionate, mind-blowing sex?

1. Oh my god – she gets it.

2. I don’t have to tell her what to do!

3. Should I tell her she’s doing a good job, or does she know?

4. Oh, she definitely knows.

5. This is awesome.

6. Is it normal to have an out-of-body experience while being f*cked?

7. Why did I ever settle for less?!

8. Oh yes – right there.

9. Should I scratch her back?

10. I should definitely scratch her back.

11. Oh my god.

12. Am I moaning too loud?

13. Oh, who cares – this feels incredible.

14. I wonder if she likes dirty talk.

15. I hope she doesn’t want me to return the favor right away.

16. I don’t think I can walk.

17. I don’t think I’ll ever leave this bed.

18. This is great.

19. What is she doing?!

20. I need to learn how to do that.

21. Her tongue must be magic.

22. Her tongue is definitely magic.

23. Oh my god!!

24. What was her name again?

25. Better yet, what was my name again?

26. If we break up, I’ll never have sex this good again.

27. Note to self: Keep this woman happy.

28. Like, really happy.

29. Oh my god – I’m almost there!

30. It feels like these waves are never going to end…

31. Round two already?

32. Don’t mind if I do!

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Most of us enjoy having orgasms. It’s pretty much a basic human instinct, actually, and unless there’s something else weighing on your mind, it’s pretty much guaranteed that orgasm = good.

But what if I told you that you weren’t having the variety of orgasms that you could be having?

Many women mistakenly believe that there are four types of sexual climax for women. There’s vaginal, clitoral, mental, and the G-spot orgasm (which, contrary to what you might have heard, is definitely not a myth). Some lucky women know about an elusive fifth too: The breast orgasm. (I have yet to experience that one for myself, but apparently it is a real thing.)

But what if I told you there were actually eleven different types of orgasm you can have – and I could walk you through the ways to get the best out of them? I haven’t gone through them all personally, but Monica from Monica’s Box helped to lay out the basics of the 11 types. How many have you had – and how many would you like to try?

1. The Clitoral Orgasm

This is one of the most common for women to experience, and since the clitoris is the most sensitive spot of the average female body (your experience may vary) it’s understandably intense. The nerve endings located here spread through the entire body, so a clitoral orgasm can cause intense sensations in completely unrelated areas!

Of course, since not all women are the same, the efforts necessary to have this type of orgasm will understandably vary. Some women like very light, indirect stimulation (such as through the clitoral hood, or through their underwear material). Other women like it a bit firmer, and with direct contact. Be sure to check with your partner to see what she likes – after all, that’s what’s important here! – and urge her to do the same with you.

For most women, oral sex is the easiest way to have a clitoral orgasm. After all, with a little communication, you should be able to tell your partner exactly what you want, and allow her to take you to heaven. If she’s not good – teach her! Most likely, she’ll be an eager learner.

You can stimulate the clitoris with your fingers, as well, or with a vibrator. Make sure you communicate throughout the entire process, especially since the clitoris is often extra sensitive after this type of orgasm (sometimes to the point of being painful). If it becomes painful before an orgasm is had, it’s best to try to lubricate the area more thoroughly, and/or use a lighter touch.

Clitoral orgasms are intense, but many women report them being “less deep” than other types of orgasms. (That’s not to say that it’s not a highly enjoyable process, though, especially when combined with other types of orgasms as well.)

2. The Vaginal Orgasm

Vaginal orgasms are often less intense than clitoral orgasms, but deeper and more full of pressure. They will vary from woman to woman (as most things do), but generally they are seen as a positive thing.

Some women say that their vaginal orgasms stay fairly centrally located in the pelvic region, while other women report that this type of orgasm spreads to other parts of the body. Vaginal orgasms generally take longer than clitoral orgasms, but can cause contractions strong enough to expel anything that was in the vagina when the orgasm started.

The easiest way to have a vaginal orgasm is with rhythmic thrusting, whether with your fingers or a toy. You should vary pressure and speed as necessary (in response to your partner’s communication and/or body language) and expect to stay at it for 20-30 minutes before she reaches climax.

3. The G-Spot Orgasm

While there’s been a lot of debate about the G-Spot (whether it exists, where exactly it is, and so on…) it is definitely a real thing, and if you’ve penetrated your partner with your fingers, you’ve probably felt it. It’s about 2-3 inches into the vagina and feels a bit spongier than the rest. Somewhat surprisingly, during female arousal, this area becomes engorged with blood and prostatic fluid, causing a type of internal erection. (Yep, not just your clit gets erect!)

For some women, a G-Spot orgasm stays planted right around the G-Spot, while others say that it spreads and “explodes” throughout the entire body. It’s definitely different from woman to woman, in other words, but it’s pretty much always going to feel good.

The best (and easiest) way to have a G-Spot orgasm is with rhythmic circling and pressure. Unlike a vaginal orgasm, which relies on thrusting, you stimulate the G-Spot by pressing and rubbing – closer to a clitoral orgasm. It’s often easier with your fingers, although there are toys designed specifically for G-Spot stimulation. It might be easier to reach it from behind, but with the right toy, you can get it no matter which angle you’re in.

This is one of the longer-to-mature orgasms on our list, taking around 20-30 minutes for most women. It can potentially combine with vaginal and squirting orgasms (see below) without any extra work on your part, but for best results, you shouldn’t focus too hard on multi-tasking. Monica refers to the G-Spot orgasm as the “leg shaker”, for its ability to crash the entire body and put the receiver’s mind in another place.

4. The Squirting Orgasm

Not all women are able to have a squirting orgasm, and truth be told, there’s still some debate among those who have. Some women may be deeply embarrassed by this type of orgasm, since it is preceded by a strong urge to pee. In fact, it’s not entirely clear whether it’s pee or another fluid coming from down there – more research needs to be done, and I’m counting on you guys to help with that!

One of the reasons that a squirting orgasm is so satisfying to women is that it creates a deep bond between the partners – you must be pretty comfortable with each other if you press on when it feels like you’re about to wet yourself. Monica says that it helps to release negative energy and gives a sense of peace. I’ve never experienced one myself, but I have had partners who did.

The verdict’s still out on the specifics of female ejaculation, but aren’t you a little curious to find out for yourself? Luckily, the concept itself isn’t that difficult to try. Usually, squirting orgasms come from G-Spot stimulation – and that’s always a fun place to explore!

5. The A-Spot Orgasm

I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t just add -spot after a letter and call it an orgasm.” At least, that’s what I was thinking. But it turns out, the A-Spot refers to the Anterior Fornix, and it’s responsible for a number of women’s ability to have multiple orgasms. (Note: The A-Spot is not the only way to have multiple orgasms, but unlike some other erogenous zones, this area doesn’t become more sensitive after orgasm, which allows you to continue to build.)

The A-Spot is on the same vaginal wall that the G-Spot is, but about 2-3 inches deeper. Not all women enjoy A-Spot stimulation, so keep this in mind when you’re trying it out on your partner. For those who do enjoy it, this stimulation lends itself well to continuing after climax – and we all know that the second orgasm is usually stronger than the first one.

This orgasm comes from short, deep thrusting. If you are using your fingers, a scooping motion can help this one along. The process is essentially the same as with a G-Spot orgasm, only in a different place.

Women who enjoy A-Spot orgasms say that it brings a very sudden climax. The feeling varies, with similarities to a G-Spot orgasm as well as a vaginal orgasm. Most women say that it gives them an electric feeling that is definitely pleasurable.

6. The Deep Spot Orgasm

Yep, there’s another spot you might not have heard of – the deep spot. The medical name for this spot is the Posterior Fornix. As you may have guessed by the name, this spot is the deepest – being located right before the entry to the cervix. While not everyone enjoys the feeling it gives them, women who do like this area stimulated says it causes very deep, intense orgasms. It may even feel like she’s being anally penetrated – without the stigmas associated with anal sex (which shouldn’t really be there, anyway).

This type of orgasm is best reached with the hand. (This spot is further in than your fingers will be able to reach.) To stimulate the area, you’ll want to make a “come here” motion with your fingers. Start slow, since many women are not used to this type of stimulation. Alternate between long and short strokes, and see how your partner responds.

7. The U-Spot Orgasm

Just in case you thought that was all there was to know about the female anatomy, there’s another sensitive spot. This refers to a very small bit of erectile tissue between the urethra and the vagina. Gentle stimulation is all you need – the response will be quite charged. I find that it’s easiest if you use your tongue, but you can also use the tip of a toy or your finger.

8. The Nipple/Breast Orgasm

Not all women have breasts sensitive enough to climax, but for those who do, it comes from the nerves that the nipples and the clitoris share. These nerves are connected, so for many women, stimulating one directly will also indirectly stimulate the other. A smaller number of these women feel the stimulation so deeply that it can actually result in a full orgasm.

9. The Mouth Orgasm

It might sound strange, but think about it: When you are using your mouth on your partner (in any way), it usually turns you on. It makes sense, then, that further stimulation to your mouth has the potential to lead to an orgasm. Not all women are able to experience this, of course, but the ones who do typically say it starts at the lips and then spreads out to the rest of the body.

10. The Skin Orgasm

The skin is a mysterious part of the sexual nervous system, because it’s not often we associate it with sex in particular. I can’t speak for everyone here, but most of my sexual encounters have involved a great deal of clothing staying on – less skin-to-skin contact. That being said, stimulation of parts of the body that aren’t inherently sexual can result in an orgasm, especially when it’s skin-to-skin with someone you’re emotionally attached to. This orgasm is best reached by sensual massage, although some women can get there through naked cuddling, too.

11. The Mental Orgasm

Those with a particularly strong imagination are the most likely to have mental orgasms. These come from auditory and visual cues sent to our brains that tell us to be aroused. This explains women who get sexual gratification from watching or hearing other people having sex. Most women will find these things arousing (if the variables are right), but some women have enough sensitivity that they can have a full-blown orgasm without any direct stimulation.

To see if you’re sensitive enough to have a full mental orgasm, try laying down and putting on a porn – or just keep the room quiet. Concentrate on thinking about having sexual favors performed on you, but don’t touch! Let your mind lead the way, and envision your deepest fantasies. Flex your kegel muscles and picture everything you desire. Try to resist the urge to help things along, and you should be pleased with the end results!

Many women have a hard time getting comfortable with the idea of anal sex. And for good reason, too – it’s actually pretty uncomfortable, by basically every definition of the word. For a long time, I was completely opposed to the idea – don’t even bring it up!

Whatever your reason for not wanting to try anal sex, I definitely feel you. But I’d like to be the first one to reassure you, these fears are not some unavoidable destiny set to befall you should you ever decide to give it a shot. With the right partner and some simple preparation, it’s really not that bad.

(We encourage our readers to practice safer sex, especially with anal play.)

If you’re uncomfortable receiving…

I understand. Really, I do. It can be incredibly painful if the partner giving it to you isn’t super careful. It has a potential to be a messy and embarrassing experience, and it’s easy to psych ourselves out and assume that the worst is going to happen. But if you’re really curious, it can be helpful to know that there are a few things you can do to have a better experience.

“I’m afraid it will hurt.”

You’re right – anal sex has a potential to be very painful. But with good communication between both partners, it really doesn’t have to. There are a few tricks to make it hurt less, especially if it’s your first time.

Make sure the area is thoroughly lubricated. You can use natural or synthetic lubricants – just make sure you don’t go back and forth between the anus and the vagina without washing your hands or changing your barrier. There are many lubricants specifically created for use in the anus, but generally speaking, anything that doesn’t have flavorings or warmers in it will work fine. (Trust me – using a warming lubricant inside your bum is going to hurt worse than whatever the lube is slathered on.)

Start slow. Your body is understandably going to need time to adjust to the new sensations. If you and your partner are comfortable with the idea, consider trying analingus first. Many women are uncomfortable with this idea, but my partner loves it – and it’s the only anal play that I personally enjoy receiving.

If you follow these tips and it still hurts, say something! If you trust your partner, you should trust that if you tell her it’s hurting you, she’ll stop. (And if you can’t trust her to stop – you shouldn’t be having any kind of sex with her.)

“I’m afraid it will bleed.”

There is definitely a chance of bleeding with anal sex, particularly the first few times. With a few precautions, you might be able to prevent most of the problems associated with this bleeding.

Start small. I would never recommend jumping into anal penetration with toys unless you have already been penetrated by a finger back there – your body needs time to get used to stretching, in any new place, so don’t try to force it too quickly. (And don’t feel obligated to go to a bigger size if the smaller size feels good!)

Make sure her nails are well trimmed. This should go without saying when you’re planning any penetrative sex, but it’s especially important in the anus. The tissues in here are very sensitive, which is what allows anal sex to feel good against all expectations that it wouldn’t, but they are also easy to tear. (And you have every right to ask for a hand check first!)

“I’m afraid it won’t feel good.”

Okay, so here’s the part where that sensitive anus is a blessing: It doesn’t take a lot for most women to get pleasure from anal play, as long as her other sexual needs are being met. In other words, if your partner knows what she’s doing, and you are relaxed, it’s going to feel good.

“I’m afraid I taste/smell bad down there.”

A lot of women shy away from the idea of analingus, because there’s an assumption that it’s going to smell bad, or that it’s going to taste like ass. A lot of people associate the idiom with an actual bum – but the truth is, a clean bum tastes like any other skin. Especially once you’ve put a barrier down there (and flavored lubes, if you want to be absolutely certain), there’s not going to be any taste, so don’t worry.

In regards to the smell, I urge you to think of every time your partner has had her face within a few inches of there. If she’s never complained before, she’s not likely to start now!

“I’m afraid there will be debris in there.”

The thought of your partner pulling out a finger (or toy, or whatever else she puts in your bum) and having “leftovers” on it is… Well, humiliating, for most people. If you’re concerned about this, rest assured – there are a few easy fixes.

Make sure you use the restroom well before you’re going to get to business – it’s important that everything is “empty” in there. If you have regular bowel movements, it’s best to time your experimenting for about halfway in between.

Now, here’s the awkward part: Washing inside your bum. If you’ve never done it, the idea of sticking your finger in there and intentionally trying to pull out any debris is a bit gross. Still, it’s the most effective way to make sure your partner doesn’t pull anything out! Please don’t use a soapy finger, as it can be difficult to rinse the soap back out – just warm water will do.

If you feel that there is any need to use the bathroom – even if the feeling has just started – you should probably wait to play in the bum until another day. Once you start feeling the urge, everything is usually already on its way out. (It’s a gross thought, but better to think of it now than in the middle!)

If you follow the above advice and your partner still ends up with a little debris on her finger, it’s not the end of the world – I promise. As long as she washes her hands thoroughly before touching the vagina, eyes, or mouth (yours or hers), a little poo on someone’s finger never stopped the world.

If you’re uncomfortable giving…

For women who are looking to satisfy a partner’s desire for anal sex, it’s usually not coming from a logical place. After all, if she asked you for it, chances are she already knows she likes it, and she’ll probably be able to give you a few pointers to make it a better experience for both of you.

If your partner hasn’t tried it before, though, there are a few basic tips to help make it more comfortable. Make sure you pay attention to the tips in the top section, too, as they’ll help you picture what’s on her mind when you’re playing.

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her.”

If your partner specifically asked you for anal sex, it’s a pretty safe bet that she’s willing to assume the risks of it being uncomfortable. And as long as you start slow, small, and gentle, the worst that could happen is a little discomfort. Let her guide you here. Listen to her words as well as her body, and don’t try to push forward too fast.

“I’m afraid I won’t be good at it.”

One of the best things about anal play is that you don’t have to do a lot to get it right. Sometimes, the simple penetration is all that’s needed – too much wiggling can tear the sensitive tissues. Some women enjoy gentle thrusting as well, but if you’re worried about messing up, don’t make a move until she tells you to.

“I’m afraid it will make a mess.”

This one is simple – just put down something you don’t mind messing up. Even if you go through all the necessary precautions, there’s still going to be a chance that anal play is going to make a mess. But the same can be said for any other sex, can’t it? Sometimes we start our period in the middle of sex, sometimes we simply get the entire bed wet. If you’re worried, put something down!

“I’m afraid it is going to taste/smell bad down there.”

As I mentioned in the receiver’s section above, a clean anus really has no smell or taste. If you’re particularly concerned, you are allowed to (nicely) ask your partner to wash up. Most likely, she already has, because we always smell worse to ourselves than we smell to others.

But there’s a funny little science fact that might help explain this, too: The human brain has a specific connection between attraction and how we perceive our partner to smell. I’m not going to get into the specifics, but we can sum it up to mean that, in the heat of the moment, you’re not going to care what your partner’s bum smells like nearly as much as you fear you will.

According to new research by extra-marital dating site IllicitEncouters.com, 10 is the ideal number of lovers to have.

More than 1,000 people took part in the online survey, and where asked how many lovers they would want a new partner to have had.

Between eight and 12 was the most popular answer, chosen by 38% of women and 37% of men.

Within that group, both men and women agreed 10 was the “Goldilocks” answer – “neither too hot nor too cold”.

The poll suggests those who had more than 10 sexual partners were considered promiscuous, while having fewer than 10 would be considered sexually inexperienced.

Any number above 20 was considered a turn-off, chosen by 3% of women and 4% of men.

People were also asked if they wanted to know how many lovers a new partner had in the past – 35% of women said they wanted to know, while 30% of men wanted to know a partner’s sexual history.

Christian Grant, a spokesman for IllicitEncounters.com, said:

The dating game is changing so quickly. I think we are all becoming a lot more tolerant and sexually adventurous. If we had conducted this poll ten years ago, men would have expected a potential partner to have slept with far fewer people.”

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Sexuality is a strange and wonderful thing. Once upon a time, it was widely accepted that there was only gay and straight – and then eventually the term bisexual came into the mix, too. Now, we know that there is a full spectrum of sexual identities, and we even (generally) accept that they might change throughout the course of our lives.

But that doesn’t always make it easy to come to terms with the idea of our label changing in our lives.

There are many women who feel disconnected from their community when they experiment later in life, even though their identity is just as valid as someone who’s been the same their entire life. What can you do to help your experimentation go a little smoother?

1. You are never too young or too old to question things.

Whether you’re 15 or 95, there’s no such thing as the “right age” to question and experiment. Of course, you should restrict your sexual activities to the years you’re of consenting age in your area, but there are other, non-sexual ways to experiment, as well. There’s no such thing as being too young or too old.

2. There is no right or wrong way to experiment.

Some women experiment sexually first. Some women start by dating someone of the gender they’re curious about. Some women just play through things in their head. No matter which category you fall in (or if you fall in another category altogether), no one else has the right to tell you that it’s right or wrong.

3. Honesty is always the best possibility.

Even if you’re embarrassed by your lack of experience, there’s no real reason you should lie about it. If the person you’re considering seeing (in any regard) isn’t comfortable accepting the truth, you don’t change the truth – you change the partner. Most women will respect an honest disclosure, and most women will spurn someone they feel misrepresented the situation.

4. Your fantasies are valid.

It’s important to realize that, whatever your fantasy is, there’s probably someone out there who’s willing to indulge it. This doesn’t mean you have the right to demand it from a partner, but you are free to select a partner who shares in your fantasy, or at the very least, agrees to help you explore it.

5. You are allowed to change your mind.

Experimentation doesn’t invalidate your previous identity unless you decide it does. Since we generally accept sexuality as a fluid part of our overall identity, you are allowed to decide that your previous identity is either still valid or no longer true. Either way, it’s no one’s decision but yours.

6. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Even if you’ve been with your partner for twenty years, there’s no real obligation to stay with them if they’re not what you want – the only obligation that exists is in your mind. If your partner no longer makes you happy, you have every right to let it be known. Just try to be fair about it, and let them know that they’re not responsible for your questioning.

7. Just because you want someone doesn’t mean you want to be with them.

Keep in mind that your sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily match your romantic attraction. In many cases, the two do correlate, but that’s not implied – nor is it “more correct”. The spectrum of attraction is so wide, and once you get romance involved in the mix, it’s really more like a rainbow Venn diagram than it is the line we like to picture it. There’s nothing wrong with your romantic and sexual attractions not lining up, as long as you’re honest with everyone involved.

8. Just because you didn’t find yourself in this experiment doesn’t mean you’re lost.

Sometimes, we can experiment and learn absolutely nothing about ourselves – or so it seems. The truth is, if you have a fantasy you chase, and you don’t feel fulfilled, you may have actually found out more than you think – or maybe not. If you felt nothing at all, maybe the fantasy was better as a fantasy. Or maybe it means that the person you experimented with wasn’t the right person. This is something you’ll need to understand on your own.

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Sometimes sex is awkward. I get that. I think I’ve probably had more awkward sex than I’ve had “normal” sex – it’s almost as if awkward is normal.

Because it is.

But that doesn’t mean you have to feel awkward when you’re having sex with someone, even if it’s someone new. Awkwardness is mostly in our head, after all – and those who have a little more awkwardness overall (hello, me) are bound to have more awkwardness than most others.

Ready to start getting rid of some of the weirdness?

Remember she’s there because she wants to have sex with you.

In almost any scenario where you’re feeling awkward about what’s about to happen, it can be helpful to remember that this woman already wants to have sex with you. Through all your awkwardness, she still thought you were worth sleeping with. This should be hugely reassuring.

If you haven’t actually discussed the idea of having sex yet (but you’re planning to put it into motion), it’s best if you take a look at her overall cues. Is she acting like she wants to have sex with you? If she’s not, then it’s not awkwardness you’re feeling – it’s unrequited sexual tension.

Remember everyone has a first time.

If it’s going to be your first time (or if you’re still pretty inexperienced – whether only with women, or altogether), it’s important to realize that no one starts out a pro. No matter how many lesbians like to claim that their talent was all-natural, it’s actually a proven fact that talent is learned – not automatically acquired. No one is impressive their first time unless they have a super great teacher.

Before I get anyone saying that they really were amazing from the start, let me clarify: There are some people who start off at a better “square one” than others, but sex is still a learning experience. There is always room for improvement, even for those who are incredible. “Perfect” doesn’t exist, so stop worrying about whether you are – no one is.

Remember you’re absolutely gorgeous.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to be overly critical of myself when I see myself naked. The problem with this is that I am really turned on by the idea of watching my partner pleasure me, and sometimes even recording a little video. (For personal use only, of course.) I see how I look in all these unflattering angles, and I obsess over every little thing that could be better – and the arousal has to fight through self-consciousness before I can actually relax and enjoy myself.

Friends, remember: The women who want to sleep with you find you attractive. You shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you feel sexy. The angles we see ourselves at look much different than the angles that she sees – whether she’s looking up from your vagina or she’s lying next to your side. Don’t worry so much about what she thinks of you – if you’re in this situation, the way she feels should be obvious by now.

Remember a sense of humor is very attractive.

If you can make jokes during sex, it might help lighten the tension. I’m a firm believer that, if you can’t laugh during sex, you’re having sex with the wrong person. As an added bonus, it actually helps to start releasing endorphins (the “happy” chemical in your brain, that’s also released when you have an orgasm) – which means that having a sense of humor about your sex life might actually make the sex better, too.

One caveat, though – it’s important that your humor and jokes are tasteful. For example, joking about having a “side chick” when your partner of four years is going down on you is probably not a good joke, nor is joking about having an STD. But joking about the noises your vagina makes during sex? Totally helps alleviate the awkwardness.

Remember sex isn’t everything.

I think the most important thing to remember is that awkward sex doesn’t mean you fail at everything else. In fact, it usually doesn’t even mean you fail at sex. No one’s going to hit it out of the park every time – you’ve got to leave yourself a little room to make mistakes.

I think my generation is really guilty of this (but not universally). We put too much pressure on ourselves to make sure the sex is on point – which doesn’t leave us any room to mess up. The truth is, in most cases, less-than-perfect sex isn’t a deal breaker – so don’t worry so much!

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For most women, the art of foreplay is essential to a good sexual experience. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first time or the hundredth, we like a little extra attention to get us in the mood. But not every woman is like that – which can result in some confusion in a lesbian relationship. One of you might expect the other to be turned on suddenly, because you are usually turned on suddenly – or your partner might assume that you know she needs some extra attention.

In most cases, it’s a simple matter of miscommunication – but just talking won’t always fix the problems. After all, some women have a hard time vocalizing what they want – or maybe even knowing what they want. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, as long as she’s trying.

But what if you want to surprise her with something new?

Talk dirty.

One of the sexiest things you can hear when you’re having sex with your partner is the sound of her voice. Sure, moaning and heavy breathing are all fine and dandy, but most women have a very imaginative libido. The more you tell her about what you want from her, what turns you on about her, et cetera… The more she’s going to want it, too.

It might feel awkward to say the things you want out loud, but all it takes is a bit of practice. Your partner may even have requests for things you can say – sometimes this can help. (My partner enjoys when I call out her name and ask her if it’s all hers. These definitely felt weird the first few times I said them, but once you see the response she’s going to have when you say those things, you’ll be hooked.)

Take time to take it in.

If she’s put any type of special attention into her appearance (a lacy ensemble, a little makeup with her pajamas, perhaps a pair of heels and knee-high stockings…), this is usually a sign that she’s trying to start something. Chances are, she did that for you – so don’t squander the opportunity to respond accordingly!

Of course, not all women are into the traditional feminine sex appeal – and that’s okay too. You should be able to take in your partner’s sex appeal regardless of how it presents itself, and you should have the confidence to tell her how sexy she looks when she’s all yours. (Trust me – studs like compliments, too.)

Undress her – slowly. (Or not!)

If you’re leaving your partner to get naked by herself, you’re doing it wrong. Sure, now and then it can be great if she just approaches you already naked – but most of the time, she’s going to want to be unwrapped. Whether you tear her clothes of or gingerly kiss every inch of exposed skin is pretty much up to the two of you – but don’t make her do all the work.

That being said, there can be a great deal of excitement in not undressing first. If you are wearing clothing that accommodates it, touching and rubbing around or through the clothing can add an extra level to your foreplay. This is especially true in situations where you’re looking to save time or be inconspicuous – but it may take some practice to get it just right.

Don’t try to just dive in.

Too often, we are guilty of trying to get ahead of ourselves in the bedroom. If we’re too excited, we act hastily, and we expect it to be good for our partners. Well, it can be! But only if they’re prepared for it. Skipping foreplay is never a really good idea. Most women need time to get warmed up, although some may only need a bit of dirty talking to get the ball rolling.

Some women might start with the intention of thoroughly warming things up, but then they try to press forward before their partner is ready. Don’t do this either. While it might be a little better than trying to dive straight in, trust me – the longer you make her wait for it, the better it’s going to be (and the more eager she’s going to be to return the favor when you’re done).

Give the ladies some proper attention, too.

Not too long ago, we mentioned that 2016 was going to be the year of breast play. Well, if you were waiting for a sign, here it is! Many women feel that their partner doesn’t properly handle their breasts during foreplay. It’s not about giving them the quick once-over before moving on to the next spot. Rather, you should give them their own attention – perhaps even while you’re doing other things for her.

In fact, directly stimulating the breasts while indirectly stimulating her pubic area (such as rubbing your leg against her while you suck on her nipples) might end up working greatly in your favor – for most women, it won’t lead to an orgasm by itself, but it can increase the chances that she’ll beg to take the next step.

Get your lips in on the action.

When we think of an oral fixation, we usually think of the tongue. French kissing, vagina licking, you name it – we assume that the tongue has to be involved. But what if I told you it didn’t? Don’t get me wrong – the tongue definitely has its place. But you shouldn’t rely exclusively on it when there is so much to be said for the lips. (Just make sure they’re properly moisturized, please.)

Truthfully, one of the sexiest ways to get a woman begging for oral sex is to gently brush your lips across her most sensitive areas – denying her any direct pressure or stimulation. Since many women rely on their imagination to help their arousal along, it’s in your best interest to make her think she’s not going to get it – just so she’s all the wetter when you finally give it to her.

Nibble – but don’t bite. (Unless she tells you to!)

Grazing your teeth across someone’s neck can be a very sensual experience. I think it pretty much sums up the romanticized image of the vampire, too – the idea that you could be bitten ignites something inside you and it turns you on. It’s not true for everyone, but there are enough sexy vampires for me to say it’s pretty common.

It’s not only the neck, though – nibbling can feel good on the nipples, the thighs, and the clit, too. Talk to your partner to find out what she likes, and try some things out on your own. If you already know she enjoys rougher biting, you can try that too – but many women would prefer to keep it gentle. Rough sexual play should always be a mutual decision.

Don’t be lazy.

In most areas of our lives, multi-tasking doesn’t work. We think we’re being more productive by doing multiple things at a time, but really we’re just screwing multiple things up at once. Thankfully, your sex life can be an exception to this, if you can learn how to use your hands and your mouth separately. (OK, it takes a bit of practice, but I promise – you’ll enjoy it.)

Of course, you should introduce the separate “tasks” one at a time when you’re trying the multi-tasking approach – don’t just go all in from the start. Consider starting with some kissing, then bringing in a little nipple play before continuing down to her pubic area. Don’t stop teasing those nipples, though! Foreplay should be a full-body experience, so don’t be afraid to get more involved.

Almost everyone thinks about having a threesome at some point in their life. Whether you’re thinking of adding in a man or a woman, there’s something deeply rooted in our brains that tells us “Your sex life would be more interesting if you brought in someone new.” There might be a few differences, depending on the specifics of the relationship, as well as what they think they’re “lacking”.

In these scenarios, I like to think that there are three basic “roles” that a person can play. These roles are the same, regardless of the sexualities of the parties involved:

• The First: This refers to the partner who doesn’t necessarily want the threesome, but agrees to it because his or her partner wants it to happen. In many situations, this person is the one who’s worried and/or insecure about the situation.
• The Middle: This is the partner that wants it. If both partners want the threesome, this partner will be the one who brought it up, or the person who selected their Third. Basically, this is the person who’s “getting the most” out of this. Generally, this person will actually be in the “middle” when everything goes down, but that’s not necessarily the case.
• The Third: This is the “extra” person who is brought in to spice things up. In some situations, the three people may be involved in a relationship together; in this case, the Third is still considered the most recent addition to the relationship.

At various points in my life, I have played each role at least once. Would I do it again? Maybe – if everything was just right. But it’s not something I specifically want now. It’s been good and it’s been bad, and sometimes it’s been downright horrible.

That being said, there are a few ways that you can help make the experience better – for everyone involved. Again, every situation will be different, and it’s important that you thoroughly talk about the situation with your partner before you move forward with the plans. It’s best if you have the chance to speak with your Third about the expectations, as well, but sometimes it’s best not to. (I’ll explain in a little while.)

Once you’ve established which part of the equation you play, read the tips below to keep most problems away. Note that while we will refer to all three roles as female, the process will be roughly the same no matter which gender each role identifies as.

For the First Person

First, let me say: If you are considering allowing your partner to bring someone into your relationship (and your bedroom), you must make sure you are aware of the risks. While you can try to prevent any problems from happening, there are no guarantees. It’s important that you evaluate your own situation to make sure that your needs are met.

1. Try to understand.

Sometimes, it’s hard to wrap your head around why your partner would want to sleep with someone else – especially if you’ve never been the Middle before. If you have questions, you should ask – but be fair to her. We can’t always control the things that turn us on, nor do we all have the same reasons for wanting to look outside of our relationship for sexual attention. Hear her out, and decide if it’s something you can handle or not.

2. Why do you want this?

If this wasn’t your idea, you will have to think about why you’re on board. Legitimately, if you can’t think of a reason, you should not go through with it – these situations have a tendency to go bad, fast, if someone is not fully on board. This is a huge risk as far as your relationship is concerned, and if you aren’t confident in your decision to pursue it, your insecurities will be much more noticeable throughout the process. Also, keep in mind that just because it wasn’t your idea doesn’t mean you are safe from falling for the other person – our attraction is often out of our control and there’s no way to fully prevent attachment.

3. Communicate your needs.

Don’t make it all about what your partner wants – you have the right (and the responsibility) to let her know what you won’t allow. If, for example, you are absolutely not OK with them kissing on the mouth, you should let her know before it comes up. Encourage your partner to share her personal boundaries, as well – it can help you keep your insecurities in check if you have a clear idea of what is and isn’t “allowed”. (But remember that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, the rules might get broken – you’ll have to decide what to do about this if it happens.)

For the Middle Person

It can take a huge amount of courage to tell your partner that you want to have sex with someone else. Hopefully, if you’ve already brought it up to your partner, you did it gracefully, and reassured her that it doesn’t mean you’re unsatisfied with her. As much courage as it takes to bring it up, it takes just as much courage to agree to it – remember that.

1. Give her a chance to think about it.

If you haven’t asked yet, make sure you don’t spring the idea on her once you’ve already got it lined up. This is a decision that the two of you will need to make together – it’s generally not a good idea for a surprise unless you’ve explicitly discussed a mutual interest in it. (And even then, there’s risks involved with surprising her with it.)

2. Pick someone together – not by yourself.

If possible, you should find someone you both agree to. Of course, this may be someone who appeals to one of you more than the other, but it should still be a mutual decision. Some people prefer to choose someone at random, but I don’t particularly recommend that. There are a few basic things you should know before you get into bed with someone. (See the “all three of you” section for more information.)

3. Make a plan.

If there are things you already know your partner isn’t okay with happening, you should reassure her that you won’t do those things (if you can). Of course, sometimes things happen that we didn’t intend, but you should do your best to respect your partner’s wishes if possible. This is a good time to lay out your own boundaries that you’d like her to respect, too.

For the Couple

Now that the two of you have made your own separate stipulations, it’s important that you think about what this threesome means for the two of you, collectively. Threesomes should not be used to try to “fix” a failing relationship – because it won’t work. They can, however, effectively spice up a relationship that is healthy, but lacking in sexual excitement.

For the Third Person

Being the third person is a position of honor – this couple chose you to come into their bedroom, and that’s an exciting idea! But it’s also important that you remember the responsibilities involved with this decision. If not treated with care, your place as the Third can break up an entire relationship, that may have been in place for years. But no pressure – it’s not automatically doomed.

1. Remember your place.

Although there is no way to control who we fall for, it’s important to try to remember that you were into a relationship – and it’s in your best interest to stay on the sidelines, when possible. You don’t want to be the person responsible for breaking up a relationship, if you can avoid it. In some situations, the couple may invite you to become a more permanent part of the relationship – but this is a decision for them to bring up, not you.

2. Set your own boundaries.

If there are certain things you personally don’t think you could handle without getting attached, it’s important that you let this be known. Just because you’re the outsider here doesn’t mean that your needs are any less important than the couple’s. There’s nothing that says you even have to use your real name – but please don’t lie about your sexual health!

3. Respect their requests.

As long as their requests don’t put you out of your comfort zone, it’s pretty important that you follow along with what they want. After all, they’re risking their relationship, and most likely they will have already talked things through to decide what they are and are not OK with. If they tell you something’s a hard no, don’t try and push it.

For All Three of You

Now that the three of you have started to get to know each other, there are a few steps that you should all think about. Not all of these things need a direct action, but you should at least have them in mind when you’re making your plans.

1. Decide how much you want to know each other.

While you might not want to get too deeply connected to each other, you should decide how much you want to know about each other – and make sure you know it. In many cases, this can be as simple as name, sexual health history, and a few brief turn-ons, just so you know what direction you’ll go in. Getting to know each other too well may increase the risks of someone getting attached.

2. Decide how you will stay safe.

If discretion is a concern of yours, it may be helpful to meet at a neutral site (such as a hotel room) to keep some distance. If you are meeting someone from the internet, it can be especially beneficial for everyone if you meet somewhere else.

3. Get tested.

Whenever having sex with a new partner, it’s best if everyone involved is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. While this doesn’t seem like a very glamorous part of the process, it’s incredibly important. Most people do not practice safer sex every time, and STDs can often be present without any symptoms. It’s important to know your own sexual health and history even if you aren’t currently sleeping with someone.

4. Plan ahead.

Will you all be deleting each other’s phone numbers (and contact history) after your tryst? This is something you should know going in. In many cases, it can be reassuring to stop all contact after the deed is done, but not everyone feels this way. You should plan together before anyone takes any clothing off. This is important!

5. Use protection.

Safer sex is everyone’s responsibility, and all three of you should assume that the others are not going to think about it. It’s much better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. After all, it’s possible that you’ll have more sex than you anticipated, and extra protection is never a bad idea! This should be an important step of the process even if there is no risk of pregnancy, and even if all three parties tested STD free.

6. You are allowed to change your mind.

You should not feel pressured to “follow through with it” if you don’t think you can handle it. If you feel trapped into the decision, it’s probably best if you don’t participate in the threesome. It doesn’t matter what the reason is. If you change your mind, the other parties need to respect that, even if you change your mind in the midst of the action. You aren’t allowed to be upset with anyone else if you don’t speak up, though!

(Almost) everyone likes receiving oral sex. When done properly, it can be a glorious experience, and even when it’s not perfect, it’s still pretty good. Even if you think you’re pretty good, there’s always room for improvement, and I have never heard a woman say that better sex would be a bad thing.

Of course, not all women respond the same to stimulation, so the number-one tip will always be to communicate with your partner – both as a giver and as a receiver. Sex is better when both partners work to make it better.

If you need some ideas to help you get the conversation started, here are a few that are likely to be a hit.

1. “Get comfortable – we’re going to be here a while.”

In the heat of the moment, we often forget that comfort is a big factor in sexual pleasure. It’s important to remember that the possibility of injuring yourself during sex is actually a real thing, and it’s a legitimate concern for some people.

If you want to make sure your woman gets the most pleasure out of your pleasure, you’ve got to make sure she’s physically comfortable. I find that this is a perfect excuse to keep a ton of extra pillows on the bed. (And besides – then you can make a pillow fort when you Netflix & chill.)

You should make sure that you’re comfortable too, though. When you’re stuck in an awkward or uncomfortable position, it’s literally impossible for you to do your best work – so make sure you save a pillow for yourself, if you want one.

2. “How do you want it?”

I know, I’m guilty of this myself – you find out about a new position and you get super excited to try it out with your partner. But your partner isn’t on board with the idea of sticking her bum up in the air, no matter how much you beg.

Truthfully – and this is important here, so listen up – the receiving partner should get to pick the position. Chances are, she knows what she likes, and letting her pick the position pretty much guarantees that she’s going to be satisfied.

It could be argued that the more dominant partner should get to pick the position, and we agree, to an extent. Either partner may suggest the position, but the receiving partner should always have the final say.

3. “I want you to beg for it.”

This is something I cannot stress enough: Most women are more responsive to sexual stimuli once they’re already thoroughly aroused. If you start with sex right out of the gate, you’re almost always destroying your chance to seal the deal – her body most likely won’t let her get in the mood.

Of course, not all women respond this way, but even for women who are used to getting turned on right away, the pleasure that comes from the art of a good tease is well worth the extra time it takes. I believe this may even be more true for those who aren’t used to being teased, but the sample represented by my personal experience is pretty small.

When you make your partner beg for release, the resulting orgasm is bound to be stronger. Some women enjoy the anticipation of stretching the foreplay process out over several days, but for beginners I advise starting with an hour or so at first. Trust me, she’ll love it!

4. Read her body language. Don’t talk – just listen.

If you pay close attention to your lover’s body while you are pleasuring her, it’s next to impossible to have “bad sex”. (Unless, of course, there are significant outside factors involved.) Women who are responsive to the progression that their partner’s body goes through during foreplay and sex are much more likely to notice the minor changes that occur when she’s close to climax, and can focus her attention on the areas that need the most stimulation.

This can be particularly helpful when paired with teasing, as you can predict when she’s about to have an orgasm and slow things down – leaving her lingering somewhere in the middle for even longer.

Body language has the added bonus of being incredibly difficult to fake, so watching her facial expressions and feeling the way her body tenses when she is feeling pleasure can help add confidence to those who doubt their sexual abilities.

5. Turn it on. (The toy, that is!)

Let me start with a disclaimer: Using a vibrating toy when you’re going down on someone has a very high potential to make your face numb. That’s ok. Do it anyway, trust me. For women who enjoy penetration (whether vaginal or anal), the feeling of vibration along with the clitoral stimulation is a mind-blowing experience, and nothing else truly compares to the feeling this brings.

For women who don’t enjoy penetration, you can still get a toy involved in the mix. However, instead of inserting it in your partner, rub it along the outer edges of either her vagina or her anus (preferably on a low setting at first, as these areas are quite sensitive).

If you can stick it out and continue “performing” while using the toy to aid you, her orgasm is bound to be one of the strongest she’s ever experienced.

6. “Let’s try something different.”

If you’re interested in trying something different with the assistance of a toy, this variation of the above trick might be just the ticket. Instead of using the toy to penetrate your partner, use it to vibrate against her clitoris. Your mouth can then explore her labia, and if she’s into the idea, penetrate her.

This trick still utilizes the softness of the lips and tongue with the intensity of the vibrator, but in a context that many women don’t think to try. Being orally penetrated is something that turns women on (although it’s more psychological than physical), and being able to taste her from the inside is pretty sexy, too.

A wonderful idea to intensify the power of your teasing is to suck and nibble on your partner’s inner thighs and outer labia. Both of these places are highly sensitive on most women who are close to climax, and the sexual tension of giving these areas more focus than the clitoris can significantly increase the volume of her begging. (Your personal experience may vary.)

7. “Get ready!”

When you’ve seen your partner falling into the patterns that usually mean she’s about to climax – and you’ve decided that she’s allowed – it’s time to start building up the anticipation just a little bit more. Her moans are probably going to help motivate you here, so let her be your guide.

Some ideas to throw into your “end game” are some gentle clitoral or labial sucking – these are quite effective with many women. You might also try some light nibbling, although not all women enjoy the pain. Personally, I’m not a big fan of biting, but I have been with women who were.

But what if you reach the ending and she didn’t actually finish? Well, there are two possibilities here. Generally speaking, you should let her decide which one you go through with.

A. Keep trying – the orgasm will happen eventually!

Some women take a long time to orgasm, and it very rarely means that there’s a problem. Things like prescription medications, alcohol, or stress can make things even harder, but usually it is possible. Every now and then, you should try to give your lady a long, satisfying experience. If you have the time, the patience, and the willing partner to let it run its course, there’s no harm in not stopping.

B. Don’t worry – she still had a good time!

Sometimes, no matter how bad we want to have a physical orgasm, it’s just not going to happen. If you’ve given it your best effort, you can be assured that she did enjoy it, even if her body doesn’t show it. Further, some women may have psychological orgasms, which won’t show the physical characteristics of a sexual climax, but she will be just as satisfied.

8. “Was it good for you?”

I feel like I’m always talking about talking, but it really is the most reliable way to make sure your relationship is going in the right direction. Even in a casual scenario, both partners should make sure their needs and expectations are clear.

After sex (while you’re still basking in the afterglow) is a wonderful time to talk about your sexual satisfaction as a whole. Your mind is already in a sexual place, so the shy among us won’t feel so awkward about it. Your endorphins are racing, which makes you less likely to be offended by any suggestions. Overall, you’re in a good mood – and some oxytocin has definitely been let loose in your body, which means that your bond with your partner is stronger than ever.

When you set aside a few minutes to talk after your sexy time, you are making an effort to improve your sex the next time – so more than just talking, it’s important that you listen to what she has to say, and try to apply it the next time you get down to business. If she’s anything like me, she probably said her fair share of motivational messages and helpful instructions during the deed, but it never hurts to clarify.

Over time, this process can drastically improve your sex life, not only with your current partner, but also with any future partners you may have. Sex and romance are lifelong learning experiences and even the experts are still figuring stuff out. Don’t be afraid to explore and try new things!

Take care of yourself, and each other!

For a long time, it’s been said that lesbians (and bisexual women in same-sex relationships) don’t need to practice safer sex, because women can’t give women STDs. Maybe you heard it from friends, or girlfriends, or maybe even your doctor. Maybe you thought you heard it somewhere, and just took it to be the truth. Whatever your personal situation might be, I have an important announcement for you.

Fact: Women can give other women sexually transmitted diseases.

In fact, it’s estimated that one in every four women who has sex with other women has had a sexually transmitted disease at some point in time, even in cases where the woman had only had sex with other women. I think a good portion of the reason these numbers are so high is because so many people (mistakenly) think that they don’t need to use protection.

Unprotected oral sex in particular has been linked to mouth cancer, HIV, and a number of other infections – which should be enough to make you want to be a little safer. Even if you have only ever been with women and only ever intend to be with women, safer sex should be an important part of your sex life. Take pride in your health!

Fact: The only 100%-guaranteed way to not contract an STD is to be abstinent.

We would like to think that it would extend to monogamous partners who have only been with each other since the most recent time they tested negative for STDs before their first time). Practically, this would depend on whether both partners were faithful, and it would depend upon both partners agreeing to be tested. Truthfully, in order for the testing process to be 100% accurate, it would have had to be over a year since your last sexual contact – and most people just don’t wait that long.

But thankfully, practicing safer sex correctly isn’t as difficult as you might think, and it generally has a very high success rate. It’s worth it to learn how to incorporate it into your routine, and to know how to bring it up to your current partner(s) as well. Here at KitschMix, we strongly advise that you get tested regularly anyway, just as a precaution – things can happen at any time, and it’s easier to treat if you can catch it early. (Of course, you should also get tested anytime there’s a specific concern – it’s always better to be safe than sorry.)

Fact: Dental dams don’t have to be complicated.

It never fails – almost any time I talk with someone about safer lesbian sex, there’s always going to be that one comment: “But I don’t even know where to get a dental dam.” Some say they don’t know how to use one, so it’s easier to not bother. Or they don’t know where they’d buy them, and they definitely don’t want the embarrassment of asking a store employee… Or, for that matter, taking it through the register.

But the truth is that lesbians have an advantage here (especially the crafty ones). Dental dams are so easy to make yourself, and to use – and you don’t even have to talk to a store associate. As long as neither you or your partner is allergic to latex, you can pick up a box of gloves at most stores. (Preferably not the powdered kind… trust me on this one. Powdered gloves will take longer to prepare.)

Once you’ve got your gloves, you’re going to want to cut the palm section out of it. You’ll only need one, but you can always cut them up in advance, as long as you wash them before you use them. (Debris pushed into the vagina or into the clitoral hood can cause a different sort of infection, and should be avoided if possible.) Now you should have at least one square of latex, about the size of the palm of your hands. Next comes the fun part!

Fact: If you can make a peace sign with your fingers, you can use a dental dam.

Do me a favor and try it really quick. Think of whichever hand you won’t be penetrating or touching your partner with, and make a V. If you’ll compare that V with the palm of your opposite hand, you should find that they’re about the same size – but with plenty of extra space at the top, which is right where your mouth will be.

When your partner is ready to get to business, you’re going to place your little square of latex over whichever area you’re going to be focusing on. (Make sure you use different dams for the vagina and the anus, if you will be performing oral sex on both.) Then, use your peace sign to hold down the top corners, and get to work!

(And if you’re worried about it reducing the sensitivity in the area, let me tell you: Some people have a really extreme latex fetish. It does change the sensation, but it changes it in a way that feels good on its own. Particularly if your partner enjoys being teased, as many women do, adding a barrier method can help to prolong the time it takes to climax – which we all know provides a stronger orgasm.)

Fact: Lesbians can use condoms, too.

If you want to add a little flavor, or if you want to penetrate your partner, condoms are a simple and inexpensive way to spice things up. If you’re concerned with the humiliation of buying condoms at your local store, though, the Internet is here to save the day. In most places, you can buy condoms online and have them sent to you discretely. These places may also have dental dams, sex toys, and even educational material on improving your overall sexual health.

Please take note that you shouldn’t use flavored condoms for penetrative sex, as some flavorings have the potential to cause painful yeast infections. It’s also important that you use a different condom for penetrating different partners, as well as for vaginal and anal play. This may seem like a complicated process, but trust us – it’s worth it.

For those who aren’t embarrassed to buy their condoms at the local store (or who have someone willing to pick them up for you), there are a lot of options, and many of them are specifically designed to increase the satisfaction of the woman receiving in this scenario.

If you’re interested in playing around with some different textures, sensations, and colors, condoms are by far the easiest option. (Plus, if you cut them into rectangles, they also make perfect dental dams for oral play – consider using the flavored ones this way.)

Fact: Safer sex doesn’t have to be boring.

Make a game out of it with your partner! The idea of respecting your body and your partner’s body should never feel boring or like it’s a waste of time. Find a way to have fun with the new additions, and make a date out of getting tested together. Sure, it might seem like getting tested is admitting guilt, but the truth is it’s an important part of taking care of your body. Getting tested doesn’t mean you have a disease, it means you want to keep yourself safe.

If you have not already done so, and you are sexually active (by any definition), please don’t hesitate to get tested and start practicing safer sex. It’s never too late to care – don’t wait until it’s too late to make a difference.

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