Tag Archives: Lesbian Affairs

What Happens When Your Girlfriend Wants Sex Less Than You Do

What do you do when there’s a significant difference between your sex drive and your partner’s?

I have a long history of sexually incompatible partners. Not necessarily that I didn’t want to be compatible with them – I definitely did! But there were always issues, such as my wanting sex more than they did, or them wanting sex more than I did – or them wanting sex more with someone else. (That one’s always painful.)

In my current relationship, our biggest disagreement – always – is that I can’t bring myself to want sex as often as she’d like to give it to me. All in all, this isn’t a bad problem to have, really, and it sure beats the problem I had with my ex (who only wanted to have sex about once a month… Well, with me at least).

Even worse is that it’s not even that I don’t want to have sex with her. She’s the best I’ve ever had, by far. I just have so much stress from everything going on in my life that it can be hard to unwind.

From my experience on both sides of the spectrum, I can provide some insight into the complicated situations that arise when your sex drive doesn’t really match up with your lover’s – and offer some tips that may help to fix the problem.

Be patient, Sexaholic.

Sometimes your partner won’t want to get down to business – and in some cases there’s really nothing you can do but wait. While sex is a wonderful stress reliever, that definitely doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be able to unwind enough to get into the mood. And, as I’m sure you probably know – sex when you’re not aroused can be incredibly painful.

Make sure to get her warmed up first.

This is probably my biggest tip, one that will get you the furthest – turn her on before you try to play! It should be self-explanatory, but sometimes when one partner is accidentally doing something that the other partner feels is “seductive”, it can create tension. This tension makes it even more difficult for the less-driven partner to get in the mood.

Try giving her a massage.

In addition to having an extremely calming effect (which can make it easier to arouse her), many women are actually aroused by receiving a massage in the first place. I know I can be – although occasionally, if I’m not in the mood, I just get ticklish. It’s a turn-on for some people, but not for me.

Try sexting.

I have a confession: Sexting is my guilty pleasure. Getting a well-crafted dirty text message when I’m not able to follow through with it is a tease – which is incredibly sexy to many women. Obviously, don’t get her in trouble if she’s working or if she shares a phone with a family member, because that can just cause more stress. Also, make sure you don’t start off too dirty – the goal is to tease her until she’s begging for it when she gets home.

Try spicing things up.

Fact: Every woman has some type of kink or fantasy. Some women may not be so inclined to share them with you, but there is definitely something that gets her juices flowing and her thoughts rolling into the gutter. The trick is to find this secret fantasy and exploit it for your sexual benefit.

Consider telling her “no” sometimes.

This sort of goes hand in hand with the sexting tip. You always want it more when you can’t have it, therefore it might be that all it takes to get her in the mood is to tell her she can’t have it every now and then.

Obviously if you shoot her down every time, she’ll eventually stop trying, but playing with the control of the tease can have a wonderful effect on the sex drive of both parties. Just think of how much more you want it every time she’s not in the mood. It’s reverse psychology 101!

Never, ever force the issue.

Believe it or not, sexual abuse is a real issue, even in committed lesbian relationships. While we may feel that we “deserve” our partner’s body whenever we decide, that’s simply not true. Consent needs to be given on a case-by-case basis or you run the risk of traumatizing your partner and making them even less likely to submit to your sex drive in the future.

On the same note, there’s the idea of “taking your business elsewhere”. There’s this idea that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous – and to some extent, I agree. However, the people who make those arguments based on our baser animal instincts forget one simple fact: The majority of “monogamous” animals are different than the majority of “monogamous” humans. Animals that mate for life actually do mate for life – never having another partner.

However, when humans use the term “monogamy”, it’s referencing “from this point forward”. Very few people actually have the same romantic partner for their entire life – but a far greater number of people have one exclusive romantic partner at a time.

If you and your partner do have an open relationship, this can be a grey area – obviously if you’re allowed to sleep with other people

My advice doesn’t really pertain to you as much, but you should still consult with her before you go looking for someone else to fill your needs. Just because you have a relationship free from jealousy doesn’t mean you have the right to go sneaking about.

For the partner who isn’t in the mood, you have tasks to do, too.

First of all, you shouldn’t simply shut your partner down if they’re in the mood and you’re not. If at all possible, try to explain to your partner why you’re not susceptible to arousal at that time – whether you’re in pain, you’re exhausted from work, you have too much stress on your mind, et cetera.

If you tell your partner what’s going on that’s keeping you in your clothes, she might be able to address the issue. Even if she isn’t, it’s a safe bet that she’ll allow you to vent to her, possibly in order to cash in the “brownie points” later. Let her!

At least try to get in the mood.

This one can be tough sometimes, especially if the issue that’s hindering your libido is something like tiredness or physical pain. But if you don’t have a truly legitimate excuse to deny your partner, you should at least be giving her some pointers to get the ball rolling, and try to be receptive to her attempts. It won’t always work, but as Wayne Gretzky once said – “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Try to compromise.

If you don’t want sex because you’re too tired or you have too much work to do, consider “compromising” with your partner and telling her that you’ll give it up the next day – and then do your best to follow through on this promise.

If you don’t want to receive sex, but you’d be willing to give it to your partner – let her know this! I know some women get more satisfaction from giving than they do from receiving, but for any woman who consents to having it both ways – some pleasure is better than no pleasure.

Don’t intentionally turn her on unless you’re willing to give her some.

I understand that sometimes we can unintentionally cause a great deal of frustration to our partners, through no direct fault of our own. Maybe you were wearing the yoga pants and sports bra you love because they’re comfortable, but your girlfriend loves them because of the exposed skin and tight fit – try to be courteous of these “mismatched needs” when you can.

This is an entirely different story than intentionally causing your partner frustration, though – take it from personal experience. My ex had “this look” that she used to give me to signal that she wanted to get lucky – and then at some point she started giving that look to me randomly, and then wondering why I’d want to stop what I was doing and make love to her.

From her end, it was “harmless fun”, as she enjoyed the idea of teasing without following through – but from my perspective, it was cruel and torturous. Don’t be that person.

So what have we learned today?

Just like with any other aspect of your relationship, compromise and open communication are the keys. You need to be accepting of her wants and needs, and she needs to be accepting of yours.

If you have honesty and trust you can be assured that this issue can be improved. It won’t happen overnight, and it takes a solid effort from all people involved, but differences in sex drive are usually one of the easiest relationship problems to work on.

If, for some reason, you two are absolutely not able to reach a satisfactory compromise through these tips, you may need to seek out therapy, or to take a break from each other. This can be a painful process, but if you’re truly not compatible – you’re not compatible.

6 Reasons Why Having Sex With Your Best Friend Maybe A Good Idea

One of the most common stereotypes in the lesbian community is that we have sex with all our friends.

Okay, I’ll admit, this is true for some of my friends – and in high school, I was that girl who tried to seduce the majority of my female friends, “just to say that I could”. Thankfully, they were all pretty cool about it – the friends who I shot down as well as the friends who shot me down. Hey, I might be cocky and overconfident, but no means no.

Looking back, if I had more female friends before I “settled down” (aka “got old”), I probably would have liked to sleep with some of them – and not just to say that I had. (Side note – if you do sleep with your best friend, you probably shouldn’t tell your other friends that you did. Just saying.)

Here are my top 6 reasons why having sex with your best friend wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

1. She probably knows you better than you know yourself.

Some women like to be enigmatic, and that can be great when you’re trying to seduce a new boo. But your bestie probably sees straight through it because she knows you like the back of her hand. And if she can predict the invisible parts of you so well – just imagine what she’ll be able to do with your body!

2. She’s probably seen you naked already anyway.

Okay, so not everyone is comfortable with nudity in front of others, especially “platonic” others. I’m the sort of person who still turns away when I’m changing – and I’ve been with the same woman for about two years now. Just sometimes, though, we allow our best friends to see parts of us that the rest of the world doesn’t get to see.

Surely sometimes these things are metaphorical, such as those repressed memories from your childhood that you’d never tell anyone, ever – except your best friend, of course. Other times, this can have a very literal translation. Since we don’t see our friends like that, it can be easier for us to get undressed in front of them – thus allowing a familiarity with each other’s bodies that the rest of your friends don’t have to know about.

3. You share everything else!

You guys already share clothes, friends, and the same crazy stories that makes the rest of your circle think you’re nuts – why not share a bit of time together satisfying a mutual need?

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4. You’ll wonder “what if” if you don’t.

This one might not be true for everyone, but certainly, if you have any question in your mind of what it would be like to sleep with your best friend (which I’m sure you do based on the fact that you’re reading this post) – those questions won’t usually go away on their own.

Let me take you back to my history a little bit: 18 years old, I had a friend I’d known for my entire life. I’m not going to lie, she was hot. One day, I made a move – and we ended up dating, briefly. It didn’t last long due to huge differences in our core values, but I strongly believe that I’d still be wondering today if I hadn’t ever acted on it.

Another friend in question – my male best friend – offered a similar mystery. I had long identified as a lesbian before we even met, but I went through a period of time where I questioned myself – and he seemed like the most likely answer to my “problems”.

We ended up talking about it and deciding it wasn’t worth the risk, but I still joke regularly that “if I was going to be with a guy, it would be him.” Technically I never acted on this impulse, but being able to talk it over made it easier to work through my feelings.

5. Because you’re only young once.

Life is about making mistakes – and let’s not get it confused, having sex with your best friend definitely has the potential to be a mistake. In most cases, however, you can move past these mistakes – and if you can’t, were they really your best friend to begin with?

6. Because she might be the love of your life.

Okay, maybe this is just me being a hopeless romantic – but I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason. In the case of “best friends”, it can be tough to decide exactly where she fits into your life. Surely, you shouldn’t try to pursue a sexual relationship with her if there’s no attraction, but if you’re both feeling the butterflies, it might be worthwhile to explore.

This list won’t be true for everyone, and it won’t be true of all of your best friends, but if you’re already thinking about it anyway, you should bring it up to her!

It might make things a little bit awkward for awhile, but if she’s a true bestie, she won’t drop you for wondering. You might as well see if there’s a chance, right?

9 Types Of Lesbians It Sucks To Have Sex With

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Maybe people grow apart, maybe they want different things or maybe the sex is bad.

That’s right – bad sex is something many women actually end a relationship over.

So what type of women does it suck to have sex with?

1. The stationary lover

Why do some women feel the need to keep sex to one position and at the same pace? There’s a whole world out there.


2. The tongue-jabber

These women treat oral like it’s an assault, and when you make-out with them, they try to remove your tonsils with their tongue. Too much tongue action is will numb all body parts – It’s a vagina, not a deck that needs a new finish.


3. The look-me-in-the-eyes lover

Sometimes you want to close your eyes and think happy, sexy thoughts. But this lady removes you from your moment, forcing you to look deep into her eyes. While, yes this can be ‘hot’ with the right type of lover, there is a certain type of woman who seems to think that good sex can only happen with constant eye contact. It’s not always going to be soulful lovemaking.


4. The ‘limited’ dirty talker

Talking dirty is an art form, which you need to come prepared for. Just saying “wet” & “horny” 70 times gets me dry. Also, no one wants a slutty parrot in the room.


5. The fast-finger blaster

Treating my private parts like a video game will get you no-where. Chill. There’s no gold at the end of this rainbow.


6. The only-her-oral-obsessed woman – really, really!?

In my eyes, selfishness about oral is a cardinal sin. It’s in the fine print of the Ten Commandments. Look it up.


7. The orgasm chaser

We all deserve to come in our own time. I don’t need to hear “are you there yet, are you there yet, are you there yet”. This mantra is an orgasm turn off.


8. The period-phobic

Periods happen. Period sex can happen. Get over it.


9. The woman who simply doesn’t pay attention

Above all, the worst type of person to have sex with is someone who doesn’t pay attention. Ask. Communicate. Listen.


Question: Why Do So Many Gay Women Go For Unavailable Women?

As the stereotype goes, gay women have a tendency to fall not only for that straight friend, but other unavailable women too.

Wanting what you can’t have drives many of us crazy. So, why are we into people who just aren’t into us?

Talking to Huffington Live host Nancy Redd, Mo Welch, the comedian and writer behind “The Plight of Falling for Unavailable Women,” said the first woman she ever dated was on the night of the woman’s divorce, so she was “clearly not ready for another person.”

You have no idea how attractive unavailable women are. They are the most attractive and the most fun. It is wrong, but I’m very competitive, you know. I’m just trying to win,”

Jokes aside, some argue a dalliance with a lesbian simply allows straight women to flaunt having had a lesbian experience as if it’s some sort of avant-garde novelty.

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But Staceyann Chin, who wrote this piece on dating straight women for The Guardian, explained the “allure.”

I think that there’s some amount of, ‘I’m the only one that’s ever been there. I’m the one who made her do this. There’s that kind of sexy thrill. You know, romance is always … kind of anti-reality.”


Watch the full conversation here.


What Makes Female Masculinity Hot?

There is something about being in close proximity to a butch woman that makes me go a little fluttery inside – kind of melty and shy, and occasionally, bold.

Perhaps this is accentuated by the fact that butches are rare and precious in my particular corner of the universe, but when and wherever they cross my path, something within me sits up and takes notice – because I share the other side of the secret.

Be sure to read: 8 Weirdly Adorable Things Soft Butches Do That We Can’t Get Enough Of

I know the special magic that happens when female yin meets female yang, and the opposite polarity locks us together like magnets caught up in each other’s sway.

There’s nothing sexier than being yourself.

When Good Sex Goes Bad

It’s considered an inevitability in all committed relationships: At some point, your sex life just isn’t going to be what it once was.

However, great sex is just as important three years in as it was the first time.

What can you do if the passion is diminished, but you still care deeply about your partner?

There are some simple steps you can do to bring that spark back.

“We’re not having sex as often as I’d like/as often as we used to.”

There could be a million reasons for this. Maybe you’ve taken on new jobs (one or both of you) and simply don’t have the time anymore.

Perhaps you have even moved in with each other. This constant contact can make it less important to have sex on a regular basis. In order to prevent either party from feeling “left out”, I personally implement a system of “I’ll give it to you on such-and-such day, when my schedule is less hectic.”

The idea of “scheduled sex” may seem like a business contract, but the reality is that you may want it more if you’re forced to wait for it.

“She used to spend hours getting me turned on, and now she expects me to give it up on demand.”

This is actually a common problem across all relationships, too. As we grow more comfortable with our partner, we assume that there will be that same horniness that there was in the start.

If it’s there, that’s great! But if it’s not, the best thing you can do is talk to her about it. She may not realize that you need some inspiration before you’re ready to get naked. If you’re not comfortable with coming straight out and saying you need foreplay, try saying things like “Hey, remember that one time you _____?

That really turned me on, you should do that more often.” Chances are, she’ll jump at the chance to get you warmed up, and in many cases she may attempt to implement this advice right away. (Let her!)

“Our sex life has gotten boring.”

This is something I’ve actually heard a few times. This falls in line with the above problem – we are comfortable with our partner, and we are comfortable with “the same old sex” that we’ve been having for years.

It’s actually one of the easiest problems to fix, although it does take a bit of imagination. Consider your partner’s desires, and invite them to discuss theirs.

Are they into costumes? Toys? Massage oils? Consider looking for these items together. Not only will this ensure that the product(s) you purchase will be well-received, but the act of “naughty shopping” together may strike an immediate need. If she is turned on by the idea of sex in public, go for it! – within your legal limits.

We at KitschMix don’t encourage our readers to subject themselves to the fines that come along with public indecency. But if you happen to be on a long drive down an old country road, or you have a big back yard with a trampoline… Why not?

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“She’d rather just do it herself.”

This is a tough one, especially in couples where one person may be insecure.

The feeling that your partner would rather pleasure herself than ask you to pleasure her comes across as a rejection of you, even though that’s often not the case. Hey, maybe she knows you’ve been really busy and stressed, and doesn’t want to get in your way. Or maybe she just likes pleasuring herself.

Either way, the best course of action is to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Most likely, she’s not doing it to hurt you.

(There are some situations where it’s done with the intent of bringing out insecurities, but that’s another issue all to itself.)

“I find myself thinking about someone else while we’re intimate.”

The idea of fantasizing about others is definitely divided: Some women consider it cheating to imagine someone else, while others consider it a valuable form of foreplay.

If it’s an actual person you know that you’re fantasizing about, this can create problems, especially if your partner were to find out.

She could understandably become quite jealous, and if she has issues with insecurities as stated above, this is pretty much guaranteed to make them worse.

However, if it’s a celebrity or an obscure image that you’re fantasizing about – where’s the harm? If imagining this other person is what it takes for you to be aroused, I say go for it. As long as it’s not someone you could actually hook up with if you weren’t so dedicated to not doing it.

The most important thing to take into consideration if you’re unhappy with your sex life, for any reason, is that you have the power to change it.

Communication with your partner can work wonders, and it’s a vital step in order to ensure your happiness.

If you care about your partner, it is vital that you establish a sexual relationship that adequately complements your emotional bond.

It’s also important to note that these conversations often repeat themselves. Just as with any other aspect of your relationship, you will need to work at it on an ongoing basis in order to make sure neither of you is feeling neglected.

Is Scissoring Actually Effective? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Is scissoring actualy effective? 

Dear KitschMix,

So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now, and we want to get more adventurous in the bedroom. She really likes the idea of scissoring and I’m open trying anything once.

We tried last night as well…no luck was had.

Our main problem was that our vulvas, let alone our clits, weren’t rubbing together that well. If anything, both of our asses kept getting in the way. We kept referring to pictures online on lesbian forums, tried to position both our bodies differently, used pillows, etc. etc., but still no improvement.

Has anyone had success with scissoring? Any tips?

A: Oh my goodness, scissoring. It is both my guilty pleasure and the bane of my existence. It can definitely be effective, but there are some problems.

First, it’s definitely a learning experience. Chances are, it’s different than other things you’ve tried in the bedroom, and this can make it difficult to know when you’ve got it right. Especially if your main information is through pictures or porn – because the goal of these two types of materials is to show you what’s going on, they’re a bit misleading when it comes to actual practice.

You really need to be right on top of each other or it isn’t going to work. Most likely, you’re going to have to practice a lot before you get it down – but you’ll definitely know when you do.

Second, your anatomy plays a big part in it too – to an extent. I am not a very small girl, especially in the hips and butt area, so I feel your pain! My current partner and I have both gained a bit of weight over the past year or so – partially due to her having surgery, and partially because I stopped exercising as much as I used to. Before, when we were smaller, we were able to work it out – but even before we got to the sizes we are currently, it got difficult as we got further away from that “perfect” weight for us. We still try every now and then, but it’s not like it was when we were smaller.

For something that feels like scissoring but is a bit more forgiving to body types that aren’t “perfectly built” for such, consider standard tribbing. Technically, the only difference between the two is that scissoring is clit-to-clit while tribbing is clit-to-anything. This makes it a lot easier to handle, but produces the same end result.

Try aligning yourselves with your legs between each other’s legs. Try and get your thigh flat against her vagina, and help her to do the same. Then, as one of you rubs yourself against a leg, the leg that is against your partner will rub against her, too – and if the two of you are on the same rhythm, it feels very similar to “real” scissoring.

I hope this helps – please write again and let us know if this worked for you!

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Apparently Lesbians ‘Never Have To Fake An Orgasm’, But Some Do – Here’s Why

We often hear tales of women who fake orgasm with their partner. Sometimes the partner knows, and sometimes they don’t. Those who don’t fake orgasms might be wondering why anyone actually would. Well, we’ve done a bit of soul-searching and came up with 5 reasons that would make a woman want to fake an orgasm. Read on to find out what we came up with!

She wants to hurry up and get it over with.

A woman might fake an orgasm because she doesn’t really want to be having sex right then. Maybe she would rather be reading a book, or watching a movie. She figures if she fakes it really quick, she can move on to something else.

The problem with this is that your partner can usually tell if you’re not really into it. This isn’t necessarily true if you’ve faked it the whole relationship, but for those who can tell the difference between fake orgasms and real ones – they’ll know.

She’s not in the mood.

Maybe she’s stressed out, or her lady didn’t do enough in the foreplay department. For whatever reason, she’s not in the mood for sex and just wants to get it over with. For getting it over with, refer to reason #1.

She doesn’t care if she finishes – but her partner cares.

For some women, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. This isn’t exactly a bad thing, because it’s nice to not focus on the idea of having an orgasm. Certain medications, medical conditions, or a number of other factors can make it difficult to achieve climax, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t feel good.

The problem with this issue is that, by faking orgasm, you’re actually focusing on the destination – even if you’re trying not to. If you find yourself unable to reach orgasm, it’s much more beneficial to tell your partner that you’re having a good time but you’re not going to finish. Her feelings may be hurt if she discovers you were faking it.

Her partner isn’t very good.

Sometimes, the people we have sex with just aren’t particularly skilled lovers. It’s not always something second-nature, and in fact many people have to learn how to be good lovers. She might not want to hurt her partner’s feelings, so she pretends she’s God’s gift to women.

The problem with this reason is that, by not telling your partner what she’s doing wrong, you’re actually encouraging her to remain a lousy lover. With a little bit of communication (which you can learn to work into your sexual play) you can actually teach your partner to be a better lover. But if you don’t let her know she needs improvement, she’ll never know.


She’s never had an orgasm before.

I’ve spoken to some women who had never actually reached the point of climax before, and as such they were faking it every time because they thought that’s just what you do. Or, they may have thought they’d reached orgasm, but weren’t sure.

Trust me, ladies. If you don’t know if you’ve had an orgasm, you haven’t.

If you value your sexual relationship with your partner, it’s up to you to let her know if you finish or not. If it’s not important to you whether you do, make sure she knows that, too. You may be able to get away with faking it for a while, but in the long run your partner will most likely be hurt if she found out. Most women will guess that a fake orgasm means that they weren’t doing a good job – it’s human nature to doubt ourselves if we’re not sure. It’s your job as the receiver to let her know the truth.

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Does Being Selfish In The Bedroom Mean You’re Selfish In Your Relationship?

Is there one particular aspect of your relationship where one partner is doing more than their fair share?

I’m a giver by nature. This has been a bit of a problem to me, as I tend to let my girlfriends walk all over me while I’m bending over backwards for them. (Go ahead and picture that one literally – that’s a fun thought!)

I’ve always been the type to sacrifice if it meant that I could make my partner happy. Certainly, I’ve had my fair share of women who took advantage of this simple fact, but thankfully I’m now with someone who respects me enough to compromise when I need her to. (Believe it or not, even us “givers” have our limits.)

In the past, I’ve always tried to be the one who does most – maybe out of a lack of self confidence; I feel I have to do extra to “earn” the woman I’m with, because I tend to date girls who are “out of my league”. (As a side note, “out of your league” doesn’t really exist – it’s just a construct based on stereotypes and generalizations… But I digress.)

Once I began to date a woman who didn’t treat me this way, I allowed myself to turn into a bit of a princess for awhile. (So maybe she chose the word “queen”, but the principle is still the same.) Where I had grown accustomed to being the one to deliver the most, suddenly I was with someone who didn’t even let me touch her for the first few months. Boy, did that throw me for a loop!

Something I noticed during that time is that the body naturally responds to this “special treatment” and starts to think that it deserves it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; in a way, it helped to open my eyes to the ways I had been treated by some of my exes.

But I also realized that they might have been taking advantage of me because I allowed them to.

This is a controversial statement – surely, no one seeks to allow someone to walk all over them, myself (and my partner) included. But once you get used to the idea of being put on a pedestal, it can be hard to stop that mentality from taking over.

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Fortunately, it’s not inevitable, and after awhile I was able to adjust my “offerings” to a more balanced standpoint. She still gives me sex more often than I give it to her, but that’s a personal choice she makes. I never demand it, and you really shouldn’t either.

That being said, there’s a definite stigma surrounding the idea of “pillow princesses”. The name itself implies negativity, as the word “princess” isn’t meant the same as, say, a Disney princess. Rather, the use of the term implies that the woman is someone who needs things to be her way or they don’t happen at all.

(Okay, by that definition, I’m still definitely a princess – I’ve got a crazy amount of OCD and I’m more than a slight control freak. In my case, though, the level of control I need is directly related to what I’m allowed to do – and not simply what I allow to be done to me.)

If you find yourself being “spoiled” in one aspect of your relationship and you see it spilling over into another aspect, it’s best not to ignore it. Sure, it may feel nice to get all the extra attention – especially if you’re not someone who’s used to being the recipient – but you shouldn’t allow it to take control over your relationship.

Relationships are all about compromise and balance, and if you’re not offering those things, you’re not being fair to your partner.

What can you do if it seems like it’s too late to fix it? First, you should get that negative thinking out of your head. The only time it’s too late is if the relationship is over… And even then, there’s some room for negotiations sometimes. Once you identify that there is a problem, you can work to fix the problem.

It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be important.

If you notice yourself taking more of the attention than your fair share, or your partner expresses an imbalance in your relationship, you should examine the ways you handle things and see if there’s anything you can change. Some women can be stubborn and refuse to let you re-balance the equation. That’s their choice, and you shouldn’t make any rash decisions based on this fact alone.

However, most women will be willing to communicate on how you can improve, if you give them the opportunity. Most women would rather fix what they have than to try and find something new, and in many cases that means that she’ll give you the opportunity to do better. Never, ever forfeit this opportunity by not trying.

The specific areas that your relationship may be lacking balance are different on a case-by-case basis, and therefore it’s essential that you talk to your partner. Only you and her can know for sure what needs to happen – no amount of internet advice articles can actually fix your relationship for you.

6 Signs That You’re Secretly a Hopeless Romantic

Some of us are just born to be lovers. I’d say that’s a good thing.

There are easily a million different kinds of people in the world. Some prefer sex, some prefer love, some prefer neither – and that’s okay.

I personally have always considered myself a “hopeless romantic with a hard outer shell” – I pretend to have no feelings to keep myself from getting hurt. (Those who really know me, think I’m pretty bad at this, but on the surface I think I do a pretty good job with strangers.)

I know I’m not alone in this, either. I can’t be the only one who pretends to be this insensitive jerk but secretly would do anything to make sure my partner is happy.

There isn’t really any set-in-stone way to figure this out, but chances are, if you think you might be – you probably are.

Sign #1: You don’t watch romantic comedies.

Let me rephrase that: You don’t admit to watching romantic comedies.

You’ll watch them in the privacy of your own bedroom, secluded from the rest of the world – but if your girlfriend wants to go see one, you’ll of course tell her that you’ll watch it “for her”. Secretly, you’ll have teary eyes the whole time.

Sign #2: You keep a detailed relationship journal.

Okay, maybe specifically this one only pertains to me – but there are different ways of journaling, that should be considered.

Do you write sappy poems, but share them with no one? That’s a journal. Do you keep track of your dates, and how you feel about them, on a calendar or in a notebook?

That’s a journal. Do you have a blog full of relationship advice even though you’re single? Well, that’s not exactly a journal, but if you’re in love with the idea of being in a relationship and how to make it perfect – you might be a hopeless romantic.

Sign #3: You feel warm and fuzzy inside when you see a couple in love.

For me, the couple doesn’t have to be a couple of lesbians. Straight people, lesbians, gay men… They’re all adorable when they’re in love.

Of course, I’d never want to be one of those couples who steals the show with PDA – but tasteful PDA is super cute.

Sign #4: You’ve planned your wedding… Alone.

Okay, I think this one requires a bit of a back story. I had been in love with the same girl since I was 16 – in hindsight, a grievous mistake, but that’s another story entirely. In an attempt to get her to stay during one hard break-up, I proposed to her.

She wasn’t actually interested in the wedding, just in the ring – so needless to say, I was doing all the planning myself. Even when we broke up (which happened every few months with her), I continued pinning ideas to my Pinterest wedding board.

I kept it private, of course – who wants to be the loser who’s making plans for a wedding that everyone knows was never actually going to happen?

That being said, once I got with my current girlfriend – I had a lot of ideas already about what I wanted in my wedding. She didn’t know about my pins and my ideas, but she had expressed an interest in asking for my hand in marriage.

Inside I was giddy, but outwardly I gave her some rules.

You can’t ask me until we’ve been together at least a year. And you have to surprise me with the proposal. And it has to be when we’re alone, because if you embarrass me in public I’ll say no.”

I didn’t tell her that I had been looking up rings for awhile – or that I had every intention of saying yes when she asked. She waited, I planned in secret, and then when she asked – everyone else was surprised. But really, I had known it was going to happen for quite some time.

Sign #5: You love playing matchmaker.

If you’re single, you might secretly plan relationships for your friends in your head. You might hook them up, formally, or you might just introduce them casually and hope for the best.

You see qualities in your closest friends that you think would match well together, and you try to make it happen – but you’d never take credit for the union if it happens.

You might even participate in “shipping” with your favorite fandoms. This character and that character belong together – obviously.

They might be characters from TV shows, they might be celebrities, they might be little animal companions – it doesn’t matter, you’ve imagined them in their ideal relationships, even if the characters or celebrities would never reasonably meet.

If you’re in a relationship and you and your partner both have single friends, you start thinking about how you could set them up. You sparkle at the idea of having “couple friends” to do things with, even if you pretend it’ll be a total bore.

Your partner obviously knows that this emotionless facade is a mask, but she lets you pretend you’re just doing it to get your single friend off your back.

Sign #6: You’re actually reading this list right now, and trying to find proof that you aren’t a hopeless romantic after all.

Ladies, I get it. Feelings are hard to deal with, and it’s so much easier to just pretend that we don’t have them. I’ve definitely been there. But the woman you end up falling in love with will be able to see straight through your “IDGAF” mask.

She’ll notice that your eyes light up when she does certain things, even if you pretend you don’t care. She’ll notice when you say you “hate cuddling”, but you pull her closer at night without a second thought.

She’ll notice all these things, and slowly she’ll show you that you don’t have to hide your lovey-dovey side.

I wish all of you the best in finding someone who will put up with your hidden romantic inclinations, and bring out your inner softie – everyone should find that person at least once in their life.

15 Truths Of Falling For A Straight Girl

Let’s face it: We’ve all had a crush on a straight girl at some point in our life. Sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that she’s not really straight, or that we’ll be the exception, or any number of things we tell ourselves so we feel just a little bit better.

But, to be clear, if she tells you she’s straight… Most likely, she does identify as such, and pushing her to give you a chance is a jerk move even if she is questioning. Trust me. If she wanted to question things right now, she’ll ask – but until then, respect her identity.

All disclaimers aside, let’s move onto the 15 truths of falling for a straight girl, as told through Tumblr posts.



Cupid, can you just… Not?


Straight girls, can you just not either?


But, then again, we could be totally awesome together.


But, she’s probably going to wait until it’s too late.



And we’ll probably feel like this once we say it’s too late:


Maybe we’ll just be friends.



… or not.





“I’m so gay for you!” … Yeah, right.


It would be kinda funny, if it wasn’t also super sad.


Most of us have Googled “how to get over a straight girl.”


But this is what we end up doing instead:


Rest assured, you’re far from alone.


And it’s not really the straight girl’s fault (usually).


All in all, though, it’s best to avoid it as much as you can.

But you can’t, because life is cruel. No Tumblr for this one, just some cold-hard truth!

Why Eye Contact Is The Ultimate Foreplay

When trying to turn on the woman you love, sometimes a simple look can hold all the answers.

For many women, the idea of arousing their partner can be difficult to manage. Sometimes, she’s stressed out and really not feeling the idea of intimacy. Sure, you love each other – and in theory that should be enough to charge the spark – but what about when it’s not?

In speaking to my current partner, I was told that my eyes are a dead giveaway when I’m in the mood. She swears that they’re brighter, even glowing, when I’m feeling frisky. I personally have never verified this, but she’s not the first person I’ve heard it from, so maybe it’s true.

Even if you don’t have color changing eyes, though, it’s quite likely that your lover will notice subtle changes in them. Our eyes respond to our emotions in their own ways, and the woman who pays closest attention to them is sure to pick up on these hints. I’m sure you can tell with her eyes, too, even if you might not notice it right away.

Her eyes will speak to you, and they’ll speak volumes. If you pay attention to the patterns, you’ll pick up on these changes – and chances are, if you know what you’re looking for, seeing that light in her eyes will ignite a fire within you as well.

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It’s important to realize that this probably won’t work on someone you’ve just met. That old saying “the eyes are the windows to the soul” implies that you’ll have to hold a piece of her soul (metaphorically speaking, of course) in order to see into it.

If you’ve got an emotional connection as well as a sexual one – even if the emotion isn’t as deep as “love” – you’ll be able to channel these emotions into a deeper, more satisfying sexual experience.

Ladies, nothing worth having happens overnight – and this little trick is no exception. There are people who think that love is a necessary prerequisite to sexual satisfaction, and indeed there are people that see it the other way around.

If you want to build a connection that allows you to get her ready without touching her, you’ll have to arouse her mind first. Prove to her that you have what she needs, and she’ll melt.

6 Ways to Start a Conversation With A Woman You Like

Are you using the wrong pick-up lines to get a date?

With the increase in online dating, it’s no wonder that women are getting easier to find. However, just because they’re easier to find doesn’t mean that they’re easier to date – and in fact, their options have opened up just as much as yours have.

Therefore, you must be on your best game in order to ensure you get a good reply.

All of these conversation styles can be applied to women met through other outlets, as well – please don’t think that you’re limited to sending these in a message.

We at KitschMix definitely encourage our readers to meet people in “the real world”, while also being aware that they might not be seeking people exclusively offline.

Regardless of how you meet, you’re going to need to blow her away to get her attention, and the technique required can be different from woman to woman.

Stick to your strengths, and gauge your interest’s willingness to accept that conversational style before continuing.

If it’s obviously not working, you’ll need to decide whether to move onto another technique, or to simply move onto another target.

Method #1: Humor


For those with a good sense of humor, it’s often important for them to find a partner that shares those interests. Picture yourself watching comedy movies with her on your first date, or watching cat videos together after you move in together. Does it seem like she’s the type of person who would love these things? Do you think you have jokes of your own? Try them out on her to see how she responds.

Possible pick-up line: You say, “Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?” When she responds with a simple “no”, you reply with “Well, enough to break the ice.” Then you introduce yourself and see where it goes from there. It won’t work on every lady, but if you get a chuckle and a smile out of it, isn’t that a reward of its own?

Method #2: Seduction


A fair amount of women will respond positively to subtle sensual advances. I definitely don’t mean that you should send naked pictures unsolicited – this can get ugly real fast if she’s turned off by the idea or if she’s not interested in you. Some women can be cruel and pass these pictures along to others. (Admittedly, I’ve done something like this after receiving unsolicited nudes – I wasn’t interested, so I forwarded the picture to a BFF to gossip.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t very nice – but it’s something you’ve got to consider as a possibility whenever you give someone naked pictures of yourself, regardless of how well you know them.)

Instead of sending nude pictures, you can subtly hint at the things you would do to her if you got her to yourself. Subtlety is key here, as some women are not attracted to blatant sexuality, and may reject you if you’re too vulgar with them too early on. But, if she seems willing to accept the sexual attention right off the bat – feel free to continue at a rate that is comfortable for the both of you.

Possible pick-up line: “If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.” Okay, so this sort of falls in the humor category – but as I said, it’s important to not be blatantly sexual right out the gate. If it gets to that point, great! But consider if a sexual relationship is your primary goal before you push it to that point. Another good one we’ve found is “I’m afraid of the dark, will you sleep with me tonight?”

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Method #3: Mad Listening Skills


I feel that this should be something everyone gets comfortable with. It’s not always about being the one to do the most talking – often women want an ear to listen to them before it gets to anything too serious. Get to know her by asking some questions. Make sure you’re not prying with questions that are too intrusive, but do allow her to tell you the things she’s comfortable telling you.

Possible pick-up line: Honestly, don’t use one. If you’re taking this approach, you should simply be friendly and open to whatever she has to tell you.

You might find out that you’re not compatible as lovers, but you’d work great as friends – go with that! There’s always a chance that this friendship could turn into something more in the future, and if you reject the option of being friends, you’ll never know what might have been.

Method #4: Impress Her


This particular method is difficult to master, as not all women are attracted to power, money, etc. But, for those who are, it can be helpful if you elude to things that could be considered attractive qualities. Don’t overdo it, or you’ll just sound cocky, and definitely don’t lie – if she finds out later that you were being untruthful, she’s likely going to end the relationship, and I can’t say that I’d blame her.

Possible pick-up line: Offer to buy her a drink or some other small token, if you’d like to show her you’ve got money to spare. If you have a nice car, offer to take her for a ride in it. If you own your own business (and it’s something that could benefit her if you were together), offer to show her around. Again, these aren’t certain to work for everyone, but some women like a lady who’s established. Use that to your advantage if you can!

Method #5: Intelligence


For some women, the way to their heart is through their brain. Show her your smarts by offering to take her on a date to a book store instead of a restaurant. Don’t turn this into a competition – some women don’t have a focus on high intelligence, and that’s fine. Don’t force her to recognize your intelligence right away or you could come across as arrogant and pretentious – and no one wants that.

Possible pick-up line: Consider some trivia you might know, that she might not. Make sure you don’t make it up, though – if she values intelligence, chances are she’s smart enough to see through a made-up fact, and if she doesn’t value your intelligence, you’re wasting your time making something up.

Method #6: Surprise Her


With some women, there’s really no telling what would attract them. For these women, it may be best to combine all the other methods into something that will show her you’re a total catch. Ideally, if you were to be in a relationship with her, you’d be showing her all these things anyway, right? Why not get it started right away?

Overall, the most important thing to realize is that every woman is different, and no two ladies will be attracted by the same pick-up line. You don’t necessarily need to master all the different conversation styles, as it’s better to be genuine anyway, but you should be aware that there’s no such thing as the “perfect approach”. Figure out what works for you, and aim to attract a woman who is responsive to this technique. You’re going to get rejected sometimes no matter how good your approach is, but you should be able to identify what your personal strengths are and apply them to your pursuits.

True Love Isn’t Something You Find, It’s Something You Build

Stop wasting your time looking for love – you won’t find it that way.

Some time ago, I found myself pining for some female attention. I didn’t really care where the attention came from, really; I was just recovering from a long relationship (four years together, seven years involved) and I didn’t really know how to be single anymore.

So, I dated a few girls, and none of them was really what I wanted. I thought maybe I was just setting my expectations too high – after all, nobody’s perfect right?

Well… Wrong.

If you’re trying to force someone into a box, they’re not going to fit, and that’s a fact. When we actively seek love, we miss out on many of the things that come with a good relationship: friendship, sex, attraction – the works.

Love is important, but “love at first sight” is a load of bull that sells movies, but doesn’t pan out in the real world.

However, if you just relax and let someone be who they are – you could fall in love with just about anyone. True love isn’t about fitting into some criteria, it’s about an emotional connection, and you really can’t have that strong of a bond right away.

You can’t predict who you’ll fall in love with, and certainly not if you’re trying to find someone who fits into that imaginary box.

Let me rewind to a few months before I met my current girlfriend. This was also a few months after that long-term relationship ended, and essentially I was looking for someone who was as different from my ex as possible.

Some friends introduced me to someone, who seemed like a perfect fit. She was intelligent, funny, snarky, gainfully employed, and musically obsessed – just like me. We stayed up texting all night long, several nights out of the week, and I often found myself exhausted when I went to work in the morning – because I’d rather talk to her than go to sleep.

But, she wasn’t willing to give me what I wanted in a relationship – or, she wasn’t willing to give me a relationship at all. Sure, we talked every day without fail, and I was incredibly attracted to her personality, and essentially she was everything I sought in a partner. But it was one-sided.

She couldn’t offer me exclusivity, which was a requirement I had. She couldn’t come to see me when I wanted her to, because she had other commitments.

I wasn’t really jealous of these commitments, because I had commitments of my own – but we’d often go weeks or even a month in between seeing each other, even though we lived in the same town.

I desperately wanted her to meet all of my requirements. Surely, I thought, it couldn’t be so hard to convince her to settle down with me. After all, I’m a catch!

One night, I ended up going to a party. I had wanted her to come along, but she couldn’t – I don’t remember the reason. I ended up making a new friend at that party, and we got along great.

This friend was a gay man who had a lot in common with me – we were both recovering addicts, we had both lost a substantial amount of weight recently and were unsure of how to process the recent attention, and basically we just clicked. But alas – this article isn’t about him.

Some time later, while I was on Facebook talking to the girl described above, I received a message from the cousin of this new friend – saying she found me on his page and thought I was incredibly attractive.

I had strong feelings for the girl I was talking to at the time, and I was initially unwilling to give her the time of day. I politely explained that I didn’t consider myself “available” at the moment, but I was definitely flattered by her compliments.

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She persisted, respectfully. She messaged me every day to check in and see how things were going, and she never stepped over any lines with my pseudo-relationship with the other girl. She wasn’t exactly “my type”, per se, where this other girl was – but I allowed the friendship to grow.

Over time, the “perfect girl” I was talking to started to seem less and less perfect. I longed for someone who would value the time I put into the relationship (or lack thereof), and someone who truly cared about how I was doing, and not just whether I was available for a little fling when she wanted it. (Please note, there’s nothing wrong with “a fling” – it can be great! As long as you both agree that’s what you want.)

This “perfect girl” started dodging my messages, which left me feeling like I wasn’t worthy of her attention – so I tried harder. Meanwhile, this “girl on the side” would be there for me, listen to my problems when I needed someone to lean on, and if I got grumpy due to a feeling of sexual neglect – she would flirtatiously imply that she could satisfy my needs if I needed her to.

Of course, I shrugged it off. “My heart is already taken by someone else.”

Inside, I knew this wasn’t really true either.

One day, Perfect Girl and I decided that we were going to give up on the possibility of a relationship “in the future”, which is all I was ever able to secure from her.

It was Christmas eve, and in my hurt I decided I was going to act on the attention I had been receiving from Side Girl. (I’ll admit, this isn’t really the most mature response to a failed would-be relationship.)

I ended up spending three days with this Side Girl – we talked, we cuddled, we bonded, and – yes, we had incredible sex, too. I’m not typically one to advocate for sex on the first date, but sometimes it happens, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.

Once Perfect Girl heard about this date, she was instantly interested in me again. She started making promises to come see me more, and she feigned interest in my two jobs. She applauded my dedication to “the hustle” and she vowed to make up for the lack of effort on her part.

I allowed her back in, still holding onto the idea that she was a perfect fit for all of my “requirements” in a girlfriend – with the exception of the exclusivity.

I cast the Side Girl back to the side – which wasn’t fair to her. I denied any connection we had, because I wanted so bad to find love with Perfect Girl. I knew she wasn’t as perfect as she had originally seen, but I couldn’t get past it.

Until one day I found out she was talking garbage about me to one of my best friends – who of course told me.

Perfect Girl said I was “too crazy” for her, and that I was suffocating her with my attempts to create love where it simply didn’t exist. I wanted to give her one more chance to prove that she cared about me, but I didn’t want to limit myself to her anymore.

I explained to PG and SG that I wanted to see them both and “test the waters”, if you will.

Perfect Girl knew all along that she wasn’t the right fit for what I wanted, though, and it didn’t take long for her to step back from me. We didn’t talk every day anymore – more like a few times a week.

Meanwhile, Side Girl started talking to me more and more. She didn’t drive, but she would come to see me every weekend anyway. She matched my effort and convinced me that, even though she wasn’t “my type”, she was just as worthy of my love as I was of hers.

We became more serious as time went on, and eventually I admitted that I had feelings for her, too – feelings that I was too afraid to admit because I was so hung up on the other girl.

Once I was comfortable, I let the other girl hit the road – but I didn’t promise my exclusivity to Side Girl yet.

Eventually, Perfect Girl disappeared from my life. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but one day I just noticed that it had been awhile since I’d heard from her – so I went to send her a message and I found out I’d been blocked.

Turns out she hadn’t been so perfect, after all, and I had been too focused on the woman who actually treated me like I deserved to even notice right away.

It’s now been almost exactly two years since Side Girl and I started talking, and about a year and a half since we entered a committed relationship – and I’ve never been so satisfied in a relationship.

We didn’t start off trying to be anything we weren’t, but we ended up way closer than what I had with the girl I wanted to find love with.

Basically, because I stopped looking for love.

Ladies, if you set yourself up to look for love – you’ll never find it. Anyone who can enter into “true love” immediately, likely doesn’t know what true love really is – and is just in love with the idea of being in love.

True love takes time to grow. You start as friends, and slowly build on it until it’s something more than that. You may be compatible in ways that you couldn’t see from the start – like my situation.

The criteria I thought I needed out of a relationship turned out to be all wrong, and I only found what my true needs were after I had given up on satisfying all my wants.

My partner and I are now planning our wedding – a long journey from my initial disregard of her. If you’d asked me two years ago if I’d marry her some day, I never would have expected to – and that’s the beauty of it.

Secretly she was hiding literally every single trait that Perfect Girl was missing, even though she was lacking some of the “requirements” that Perfect Girl met. I had disregarded her because she wasn’t “perfect”, but I was unwilling to accept that Perfect Girl wasn’t, either.

The biggest difference between them was that one was set in what she had to offer, and had no chance to improve – and the other viewed herself, and our relationship, as a “work in progress”.

I understand that it can be tough to recognize these “work in progress” relationships for their full potential. We don’t want a “fixer-upper”. Our generation relies on instant gratification, and tends to overlook the fact that you can have quickness or you can have lastingness. Personally, I’d prefer a relationship that lasts.

Why It’s Toxic To Hold Out For Your Ex

We’ve all been there – that one person you don’t want to give up on. We need to realize that this is probably not the healthiest approach to our love lives.

Every now and then in every woman’s life, there’s going to be one (or more) partner that you just can’t get over, despite knowing internally that you should. The relationship has ended, but you’ve still got feelings – often understandably so. Our inner “hopeless romantic” may tell us that this relationship is “meant to be”.

We may be worried that we’ll never find anyone who’s as good of a fit as this woman was. These are both flawed thought processes that can lead to a number of problems down the road.

Often times, holding out is simply holding onto false hope.

We like the idea of waiting for an ex because, in a way, it’s romantic. The relationship was over, but the love wasn’t. This is a cute idea, when it happens in movies, but the reality is when the relationship is over, there’s usually a reason.

Sometimes these reasons aren’t apparent to us, and other times we don’t agree with the reasons. In theory, these issues aren’t a problem – the problem is when you ignore the logic and reason laid out and instead sit back and wait for them to change their mind.

Sometimes we make mistakes, and breaking up with someone may very well be one of them. But you can’t determine, on your own, that the break-up was a mistake – there are, after all, other parties involved, and if you don’t both want to be together, the relationship won’t work.

It can be emotionally damaging to learn that you’re not “the exception”.

Internally, we all know that it’s best to not assume we’re the exception to the rule. That’s a simpler idea in theory than it is in practice, however, and if we expect that the situation isn’t as it appears, we can be devastated when we find out that it was, in fact, completely transparent.

I personally have been a victim of “exception thinking” on multiple occasions. I assumed that it would be different with me than it was for others, and… Well, you know what they say about assuming.

It can distract you from other, potentially better relationships.

If you’re holding onto your ex long after the break-up, it can remove you as an option in the dating pool. While we tend to consider ourselves off the market when this happens anyway, the truth is you’ll never know if the girl you’re ignoring could be “the one” for you.

If you reject someone simply because they’re not the person you’re holding out for, you could be missing out on a wonderful possibility.

Of course, it’s also possible that the woman pining for your attention now is worse than your ex, but you’ll never know if you don’t consider it a possibility. Some relationships don’t have the greatest outcomes. But some are wonderful.

There’s a reason the relationship ended.

Chances are, if you’re still in love with your ex, these reasons will seem “wrong” to you. Your nostalgia will put you on the path to remembering only the good times and ignoring the bad – which is fundamentally flawed in its own way.

You’ll need to remember the specific reasons why you broke up. If it was something your partner did, remember that this behavior isn’t likely to change simply because it’s been brought to light – she will have to actually consciously work on the problem in order for it to not be a problem in the future. That’s not to say that people don’t change, but they don’t change overnight and they certainly don’t change without effort.

On the other hand, if the problems leading to the relationship were due to your indiscretions or flaws, you’ll need to fully evaluate them. Just as with your ex, you won’t change simply because you’re aware of a problem.

If it’s something you have no control over (or only limited control), your ex isn’t likely to be satisfied if these criteria aren’t met. If it is something in your power to change, you’ll have to decide whether you’re willing to do so in order to begin working on it.

And, of course, if it’s something like dishonesty or unfaithfulness, these may be components of your personality that make you poorly suited to the particular relationship.

The right person may be out there without you having to change anything about yourself – but this is something you’ll have to evaluate for yourself.

You deserve better.

This is probably the most subjective item on this list. Truly, you deserve to be with someone who values you as you are. It’s not fair that you should be forced to change yourself to meet someone else’s requirements, but likewise it’s not fair that someone else should be forced to change their requirements to fit what you have to offer.

The right person is out there for everyone – but if you and your ex have broken up, chances are, that relationship wasn’t as “meant to be” as it may have seemed in the beginning.

The Importance Of Your Partner’s Fetishes

Fetishes and fantasies are sort of an unspoken thing among people. Surely, there are as many fetishes as there are people – and they cover a wide variety of topics.

Usually, in order to be considered a “fetish”, it must involve sexual gratification linked to a particular item of clothing, part of the body, or a particular object not “traditionally” associated with sex, although it’s often expanded to include a number of things.

Often, when we think of these fetishes, we tend to write them off, thinking that they’re “weird”. However, if your partner has a particular fetish or fantasy – one that you can help to fulfill – it can be an incredibly intimate bonding activity if you choose to participate in it.

Here we will provide a brief description of the most common sexual fetishes, and what you can do to accommodate those fetishes if you’re not exactly keen on them yourself.

Sure, it can be a bit weird at first, but if you care about your partner it’s important that you realize that these simple actions can make a world of difference in their sexual satisfaction, and she’s sure to thank you for it.


Fetish #1: Group Sex and Swinging.

This particular fetish can be tough for some to accommodate, as it requires a great deal of trust among the partners.

However, for those who do choose to participate, it can be a bit exciting to watch your partner with someone else – and likewise have your partner watch you with someone else.

Many people who are actively aroused by this type of activity will require a polyamorous relationship, while others are satisfied with it as an occasional thing (think of a threesome).

If your partner wishes to participate in this and you are not willing, consider roleplaying as another person – this will allow your partner to “have sex outside the relationship” without the need for an outside person to be involved.


Fetish #2: Cross-dressing and gender bending.

This is a tricky situation, as it was once lumped into the same category as transgenderism – but the reality is that it’s not the same.

Cross-dressing refers to a sexual attraction to clothing items “forbidden”, or playing with the idea that they are sexually capable as the opposite gender.

Transgender, in contrast, refers to feeling that the body they were born into does not reflect who they are on the inside, and is typically not a sexual thing.

This is a very easy fetish to accommodate, as it doesn’t really require any effort on your part – simply allow your partner to convey herself as she would like to for your sexual activity.

This may mean that she chooses to believe that a strap-on is actually a part of herself, rather than a sex toy – go with it! It might cause some confusion for you, but if you truly care about your partner, you should love her and respect her wishes.

It may become apparent that her desire to gender-bend is actually based in transgenderism; in this case, you may find yourselves discussing the possibility of transitioning.

You should be able to decide whether you are comfortable with the idea of your girlfriend becoming your “boyfriend”, and whether you would be accepting of this change if it should come about.

Fetish #3: Water sports.

This is an especially tricky situation for those who don’t feel the same way. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, “water sports” actually has nothing to do with water – it is a sexual arousal to urine, and it’s more common than you might think.

Many times the person with this fetish may be aroused by the idea of wetting themselves or watching someone else to wet themselves, or being urinated on (often referred to as a “golden shower”).

However, if you are unwilling to participate in these activities, it may also be arousing to your partner if you agree to allow her to watch you using the restroom, or possibly even urinating in public (or watching her do so).

Fetish #4: Foot worship.

This refers to a sexual attraction to either feet, shoes, or stockings of some sort – and for many, the idea of sexualizing feet can be strange at first.

However, if your partner has a sexual attraction to feet, it’s important that you do what you can to accommodate this attraction. Many foot fetishists are attracted to the idea of kissing and sucking on feet, although that’s not necessarily all that it entails.

For those who are less willing to accommodate, you might consider wearing heels during your sexual activities, and allowing your partner to rub on them.

This can be infinitely rewarding to her without forcing you too far out of your comfort zone.

Fetish #5: Spanking.

Whether your partner enjoys spanking you or being spanked herself, this is actually pretty easy to understand.

The place where the bum meets the top of the thigh is an erogenous zone for many people, even if they don’t really associate it with spanking – and therefore, the right amount of pressure to this area can provide a great deal of arousal.

Aside from that, it can bring us back to feelings of childhood, and the person doing the spanking is seen as taking control. If you’re into domination, it’s particularly rewarding.

If you’re not sure if you’re interested in being spanked yourself, you may consider instead spanking your partner – often this desire can go both ways.

Likewise, you may choose to allow your partner to spank you, but with open communication – so that you can tell your partner when she’s spanking you too hard.

Fetish #6: Voyeurism and exhibitionism.

This deals with the desire to either watch sexual activities or show off your body in order to achieve sexual gratification. While technically these types of activities are illegal, that doesn’t mean that they don’t happen.

The appeal of having sex in public is strong for those with exhibitionist tendencies, while those who are interested in voyeurism can often be placated by pornography.

A fun way to compromise on this fetish would be to allow your partner to film you while you have sex – this way you won’t be breaking any laws, but your partner is free to watch you at her pleasure, while limiting the need for her to seek outside pleasures.

Consider allowing her to film you playing with yourself as well – you might even find that you enjoy it!


Fetish #7: Rubber, latex, and leather.

This deals with either an attraction to the tight material and the way it hugs the body (effectively forming a sort of bondage), or possibly the smell of the materials. Either way, this can be a bit tricky to work around if you’re not interested in it, as the tight material can be a bit much for some people.

However, that’s not to say that you should ignore it completely. If your partner is attracted to the smell of the materials, it’s possible that you can compromise by either playing with a small amount of body latex paint – applied to areas that you don’t feel constricted by – or by leather handcuffs or similar restraint devices.

Fetish #8: Sexual role-playing.

This is definitely one of the most common fetishes, but it can be met with a bit of opposition from those who think of it as “pretending”. In all actuality, this is exactly what it is.

Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to please your partner’s sexual fantasies can seem like a personal rejection, but it’s important to realize that’s not it at all. In fact, if your partner actually wished to reject you, she would be seeking out whoever this fantasy person was, rather than asking you to participate, and your refusal to do so can be just as much of a rejection to her.

There are many simple ways to indulge this fantasy, including dressing in costumes for your sexual play – although more advanced methods may involve costumes, props, and specialized locations. It’s up to you to determine how much of this fantasy you wish to participate in.

Fetish #9: Infantilism.

Infantilism refers to the fetish of an adult who wishes to be treated like a baby for sexual pleasure. Often, this fetish stems on the need to be nurtured, as well as an escape from the stresses and responsibilities of adult life.

They may choose to wear a diaper, to be fed from a bottle (or nurse from the nipples of their partners), and even baby talk.

Understandably, it can be a bit weird for those who don’t share in the fetish – but that’s not to say that you can’t still be accommodating.

If your partner wishes to be treated like a baby, but you’re less than eager, consider compromising on which aspects to participate in – for example, allow her to “nurse” on you, and call her pet names that refer to her childlike desires.

Fetish #10: Domination and submission.

By far the most common fetish is that of bondage, which can take on a great number of forms. In its simplest, this may refer to one partner being in control while the other partner is in a position of vulnerability.

This may include restraints, administration of physical pain, or many other aspects – the specific nature of this arrangement are up to the participants. Consider starting slow, as this can often be an experience of indulgence for both partners, but only when great care is exercised.

It seems that the dominant partner would be the one with all the control, but in reality the submissive partner is the one in charge of calling the shots. If there’s not absolute consent between the partners, it’s not bondage – it’s sexual abuse.

This list is in no way inclusive of all sexual fetishes, but it may help to understand the most common ones. I invite you to have an open discussion with your partner about any fantasies she may not be sharing with you.

Often, she may be repressing these fantasies out of fear of pushing you away – and it’s important that you reassure her that this is not the case.

If you love her, you owe it to her to explore her fantasies before writing them off completely.

Who knows? You may even enjoy them and not even realize it!

Tell-Tale Signs You’re Dating a Compulsive Liar

In this day and age, it’s common to meet someone who hasn’t been entirely truthful with you. That’s not necessarily to say that they can’t be trusted; sometimes it’s hard to share the intimate details of your life with someone you barely know.

However, over time, your partner should be able to be honest with you – and this isn’t always the case. Some women are practically incapable of telling the truth, and it will show up over time.

So, what are the signs that the woman you’re dating isn’t just a slight fibber, but truly a compulsive liar?

Sign #1: You have caught her in a number of lies.

Of course, just because you haven’t caught her doesn’t automatically mean she’s being entirely truthful, but it’s definitely easier to pick up on if you can catch her in the act of lying. If a great deal of her stories simply don’t add up… She may be a compulsive liar.

Sign #2: She seems to believe her own lies.

Often, when someone is a compulsive liar, they don’t even realize they’re doing it. They may honestly believe that everything that comes out of their mouth is the truth – even if you were there for the story they’re telling and you know it didn’t happen like they said it did.

Sign #3: She lies about things that don’t even make sense.

I once had an ex who worked as a veterinary technician. My roommates found themselves with a stray dog, and my ex offered to do a full check on the dog to try and find his previous owners.

After this “check”, she determined that this dog was micro-chipped and registered under the name Pumpkin (a name he refused to answer to), and the previous owners threatened to call the cops if they got another call about “that damn dog”.

After we had broken up, the roommates who owned the dog ended up taking him in to change his registered information, and they were quite embarrassed when they recounted the story, only to find out that there wasn’t even a micro-chip in place. This means that the rest of the story was also a lie.

Sign #4: She gets overly upset when confronted about her dishonesty.

This ties into sign #2; Since she believes her own stories, she will be incredibly hurt when you point out they’re not true. She may react as if you’re calling her stupid, or she may just be defensive over the fact that you can see through her facade.

Sign #5: She assumes you’re lying about everything, too.

When I had first started dating the woman mentioned above, I confided in her that I was constantly paranoid that I was being unintentionally untruthful.

I had simply meant that I was concerned that things I had taken to be facts were not actually factual at all – but she used this against me to mean that I, too, was a compulsive liar. (I might embellish a little bit sometimes, but that’s what writers do, right?)

Obviously, her distrust wasn’t an automatic indicator of her own dishonesty, but if someone has trouble believing anything you say, it might be because they are unaware of what counts as truth and what counts as a lie.

Sign #6: You can’t believe a single thing she says.

After awhile, your brain will start to pick up on all the cues of her dishonesty. Many people have a “tell”, after all, and after quite awhile of dating you will undoubtedly recognize these subtle hints, and apply them over everything she says. You might even start to not trust her for things you have no evidence over – which can lead to other problems in the relationship.

Sign #7: She won’t allow you to verify her stories.

If she insists that you believe everything she says without double-checking in any way, chances are, she’s being untruthful. An honest, trustworthy girlfriend shouldn’t have a problem with you checking into some of the incredible stories. I don’t mean to imply that you should sneak around to find these details, but you should be able to ask questions without being attacked.

So, what now?

Let’s assume that you’ve looked for these seven signs, and they’re all present – now what do you do? It can be incredibly difficult (or even impossible) to reason with someone who has no actual grip on reality, so you’re not likely to be able to convince her that her lying is detrimental to the relationship.

You instead need to evaluate whether you can live with this dishonesty. In a way, it can be a bit easier if you know it’s a problem – but that doesn’t mean that a long-lasting serious relationship is likely.

Compulsive, pathological lying can be considered a form of mental illness, and should be handled with care. Many compulsive liars are truly unaware of their condition, and treatment really isn’t possible unless they both comprehend the problem and are willing to change it.

It’s a deeply personal conscious decision to correct this behavior, and the problem may never be fully fixed. However, if you want to have a serious relationship with this woman, you will need to find a way to get her to admit the problem and work to correct it on her own.

She needs to understand that you care about her, despite her shortcomings in the honesty department. You must convince her to try to correct her lying. When a conscious awareness exists, she can begin to stop herself in the middle of a lie and correct it by saying “Wait, that’s not right.

What really happened was such-and-such.” It’s a long battle, and it may require professional therapy – but it has to be a choice she makes for herself. If she wants to keep you in her life, she needs to earn your trust slowly and over time.

Why You Should Ask What She Wants in the Bedroom (And Not Just Assume)

There’s a myth that we, as lesbians, automatically know what our sexual partners want – but it’s exactly that, a MYTH!

Sometimes when we’re with someone for awhile, we tend to think that we can predict what they’ll like in the bedroom. This is sometimes true, for partners who have good communication – but it’s important to realize that the communication is a necessary part of this process.

In the lesbian community, many of us propagate the myth that “women know what women want”. To some degree, this is true; we can infer the things that are applicable to all women… But quite frankly, these all-encompassing rules are few and far between.

This is especially true when it comes to a newer relationship or one that is specifically focused on sex.

Why, you may ask?

1. Every woman is different.

There may be common interests between you and your partner, or your current partner and your previous partners, but no two women are exactly alike. What turns one woman on can completely turn off another – and this is something you won’t know for sure unless you actually ask.

2. Some women don’t even know what they want.

Sure, we might have an idea of the things we like, but that doesn’t mean that we know everything about ourselves. If you assume that you know her better than she knows herself, you’re most likely greatly mistaken. You might know a bit more about her mannerisms than she does, but that doesn’t mean you can see through her and know what all of her interests are, especially if she doesn’t even know them herself.

3. There’s a chance she agrees to things because she knows/thinks you like them.

This can be particularly damaging if you are both just going along with the flow. If you don’t like ear kissing, for example, but you assume she loves it because she’s never said otherwise. She doesn’t say anything because she thinks you enjoy kissing her ears. In all reality, neither one of you may be satisfied with this experience, but you’re just trying to go with it to please your partner. Do you see the problem here?

4. She might think you won’t enjoy the activities she wants the most.

I’ve been guilty of this in the past – I’ve kept my desires to myself in the hopes that my partner will suggest the things she wants, and I can either agree or disagree, and that’s that. But along with #2, this means that we could be denying something just because we’ve never tried it before, or it could simply not come to mind because it’s not something we actually enjoy ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that we’re not willing to do it, just that it’s not something we’d think to suggest.

5. She may have fantasies she’s embarrassed to express.

It can be tough to open up, especially in a new relationship. Some sexual fantasies are particularly tricky to eloquently bring up, especially when one partner is shy and/or inexperienced. But you never know what you could be missing if you keep things inside. You never know, you might share these fantasies and you’d never even guess.

6. Communication is vital in every aspect of your relationship!

You can’t expect to read your partner’s mind, nor should she be expected to read yours. This applies to all the various components in your relationship – perhaps your sexual relationship most of all. If you don’t communicate your wants, needs, and desires, at least one of you is likely to be unsatisfied with the relationship.

Ladies, there’s a whole world of sexual experiences out there, and if you limit yourself to the assumptions of your partner (or yourself), you could be missing things and not even know it. Not everyone is into everything, and that’s okay.

Easy Online Lesbian Dating Guide: Be Simple, Be Honest, Be Cautious

Is it a flaw in our society that we find our dates on the internet these days?

In the last few years, the prevalence of online dating has increased dramatically, with an average of 10% meeting their current partner on the internet in 2015 alone. These amounts vary greatly depending on what the person is looking for – for example, up to 80% of gay men meet their partners in the online world. This is a huge rise from 14% in 2001. Considering the specifics of the gay community, this is a big deal!

Why is online dating so popular these days? Well, between the availability of online dating apps such as Zoosk, Badoo, and Tinder and the difficulty of finding someone in the “real world”, we’re becoming more reliant on the internet as a whole. I even found my current partner on the internet – although not through any of the typical channels (we met through Facebook after I became friends with her cousin, but that’s a much longer story).

So… Is it a flaw in our society that we find our dates on the internet these days? Well, I don’t think so.

Meeting partners through the internet allows us to learn more about them from the comfort of our own homes, without the stress involved with the traditional dating methods. There are definitely a number of things to look out for – such as “romantic scams”, which involve one party getting money and gifts from the other party without ever meeting in person.

However, for those who are cautious and impose their own rules, these risks can be minimized.

Interested in dating online? Here are the ground rules we recommend for your safety and satisfaction.

1. Don’t lie on your profiles.

Lying will soon be found out, and then you’ve just wasted the time of you and your partner.

2. Don’t use old photos.

If you use a photo that doesn’t look like you do now, meeting up with your date can be an embarrassing experience. We all want to put our best foot forward, but you shouldn’t be misleading.

3. Don’t agree to send money or gifts to anyone you don’t know.

This should be a given, but some people are very trusting of others. Generally speaking, this isn’t a good thing on the internet. Sure, there are more “good people” than “bad people” on the internet, but anyone who’s genuinely a good person won’t expect you to pay them without even knowing them.

4. Don’t lie to your friends and family about what you’re doing when you go on a date.

It’s sad that this even has to be mentioned, but the truth is, people do get raped and murdered by people they meet on the internet.

Sure, this can be extended to people you meet through friends as well, and even people you’ve personally known for a long time – but it’s much easier to avoid if you tell at least one reliable person where you’re going to be and who you’re supposed to be meeting with. Consider arranging for a call at some point to make sure you’re ok. It’s a good idea to discuss a “code word” just in case it’s not safe to say what’s really going on.

5. Be honest with yourself (and your matches) about what you want.

There are a good number of people who are looking for just sex (about 12%), a great deal of people who are looking for a casual relationship (about 70%), and a fair amount of people who are looking for someone to marry (about 11%). There’s no reason to be misleading about your intentions – you can find the person you want if you’re honest.

Take selfies! Women who take selfies are about 4% more likely to get a date through online dating apps and websites if they take selfies. Full-body selfies can up this to 203% more responses!

6. Don’t get desperate.

Up to 1/3 of people who date online don’t ever actually make a date with anyone they meet online – and that’s ok. The best relationships tend to happen when you’re not looking, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily give up. If you really want to find someone, you can. The internet is a big place. Just make sure it’s not the only place you look.

All in all, the important thing to remember if you choose to date online is to be safe and honest, and don’t set your expectations too high. The right woman is out there for you. She just might not be on the other side of the screen.

10 Times You Have To Get Over Your Ex (All Over Again)

When you go through a break-up, it can be an intense process filled with a bunch of emotions. There’s undoubtedly going to be a bit of hurt from whoever was dumped. At least one of the partners could still be emotionally attached to their ex, whether consciously or subconsciously, and the truth is this may come up for years, even if you think you’re completely over her.

The first few things will obviously hurt a lot – but as you go on, you can learn to accept these things as necessary steps in the process. Be honest with yourself (and any partners you may have during this recovery period) in order to ensure that there are no unnecessary hurt feelings.

Time #1: The first full day without her.

If you and your ex lived together, it can be a bit rough the first full day you spend by yourself. You’re used to her sleeping in your bed, and now you have the whole bed to yourself. Even if ending the relationship was your idea, there’s still likely to be a great deal of attachment to the ex at this point, and you shouldn’t rush yourself through it. Instead of focusing on the empty space, you should focus on the extra room. Now you can stretch out and take all the pillows!

Time #2: The first time you hear “your song”.

If you and your ex had “a song” that perfectly summed up your relationship, it can be a little tough to listen to that song on your own. However, if possible, try to think of the last time you heard that song before getting with your ex. Think about the memories that were associated with it before she came into the picture, instead of the associations to her. Don’t avoid the song, just put a different emphasis on it.

Time #3: The first time you run across one of her old things.

In a perfect world, your ex will take all of her stuff with her when she exits your life. This doesn’t always happen, though, as people are human and we tend to forget things. Try to be mature about it; resist the urge to rip it to shreds, and instead see if a mutual contact will pass it along to her. Don’t try and deliver it yourself, and don’t hang onto it – it’s not healthy to hold on tightly to a part of your life that no longer holds relevance.

Time #4: The first time you come across pictures of her.

If you guys were together for awhile, you might have tons of pictures together. If it’s too painful for you to look at them, you may be tempted to burn or delete them (depending on whether they were printed or digital). I am actually big on throwing things away, and I find it difficult to hang on to painful memories. (I’ve had probably a hundred journals in my life, and when the memories in them are too painful, I enjoy setting fire to them – literally. I’ll admit this isn’t a healthy reaction, but it can be pretty cathartic.)

Instead of blindly ruining all these things, you should set aside some time to evaluate them individually. For example, pictures that hold deep personal significance for you that aren’t strictly related to the ex should be kept – but maybe out of sight until the pain subsides. If there were any naked pictures, don’t post them on the internet… Just delete them. Think of how you’d feel if she did the same to you, and try to act with dignity.

Time #5: The first time you see her in public.

If you guys live far apart, this probably won’t be a problem – but if she lives nearby or you have mutual friends, it can be a bit tough when you run into each other in public. Don’t make snide comments toward her; this won’t make anything better. Try to be cordial. You don’t have to be friendly if you’re hurting, but you should be adult enough to be civil toward her.

Time #6: The first time you want sex.

Many of us have fallen into the trap of going back to an ex for a strictly-sexual relationship. The truth is, it can be very difficult to maintain a no-strings-attached relationship with someone you once felt (or still feel) a deep, personal connection with. Instead of going back to your ex to satisfy your needs, or reaching out to someone new when you’re not fully healed, it’s a much better idea to simply “do the job yourself”. Some ladies aren’t really into doing the deed themselves, and this is fine too; but if you’re not desperate enough to take things into your own hands, you certainly shouldn’t be desperate enough to crawl back to your ex.

Time #7: Your first date with someone new.

Assuming you have already healed (you have already taken the time to heal, right?) you might be set back when you begin dating someone new. No matter how “over it” you think you are, the reality is that we can’t simply forget and move on. All the things you did wrong with your ex should be on your mind – but the things your ex did wrong shouldn’t be held against your new lady. Unless she is actually committing the same indiscretions that your ex did, make sure you don’t punish her for mistakes she had nothing to do with.

Time #8: The first fight with your new lady.

Chances are, when you have your first big fight with your new love interest, your mind will be reeling with comparisons to your exes. Sometimes these past fights are good to remember – for example, if you’re fighting about something now that you’ve fought with an ex about, and both women feel that it’s your fault… Well, you might want to take this to heart. Examine whether their complaints are reasonable, and whether it’s something you can fix. Likewise, if your new lady shares some of the “bad” traits that your ex had, it may be helpful to determine whether it’s something you can learn to live with or if it’s truly a fault you’ll need to avoid in your future relationships. No one can truly answer these questions for you.

Time #9: The first time your ex tries to get between you and your new lady.

Obviously, this doesn’t always happen – but it happens often enough that it should be considered. Sometimes, time teaches us that we’ve made a hasty decision in moving on, and the person from our past was truly perfect for us. In other cases, the ex may be trying to stir up drama and nothing has changed. It’s up to you to decide whether or not to take this risk. People can change, but it’s not automatic – it has to be an effort from both parties.

Time #10: Your wedding day.

Not everyone gets married, but for those who do, there’s often a lot of debate on whether or not to invite your ex. If you’re still friends with your ex (or if you’re friends again, after a period of rest), you might be considering whether they should be invited.

Personally, I feel that the answer is no, but I’ve had a series of horrible break-ups, and I do understand that there are some cases where the decision to split was mutual. It’s up to you and your future wife to decide if your ex will be welcome at your wedding – you should never hide the fact that you had a former romantic and/or sexual history with this woman in order to secure her an invite.

If you don’t have anything to hide, there’s probably no problem with it – but be aware that there’s a chance it could lead to #9 (if it hasn’t already happened yet). If you aren’t confident that your ex will be civil, or that your future wife will be secure with your ex there, it’s best to leave the invitation out.

There are a million other times when your ex may come back into your mind, but it’s important to evaluate each of these times and determine the appropriate, mature response to the situation. Everyone has different circumstances and this guide isn’t the be-all and end-all to everything.

It’s merely a reference tool to be used to help you navigate through the unfamiliar territory.

Never Regret Experimenting

Some time ago, I was dating a girl who I thought was perfect for me. We had been friends for most of our lives, and I found myself incredibly attracted to her.

I knew all about her troubled past, but I was willing to look past it because I also knew about her family and the ways they had pushed her towards some unsavory behavior.

That is… Until I found out that she was cheating on me with a large number of people. I had given her a chance, and she had turned out to be everything I didn’t want in a partner.

I went into a bit of confusion, and reeling from this experience left me questioning everything about myself. Obviously, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I thought she was perfect for me, after all, and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I ended up going “back into the closet” and dating men for awhile. I made quite a few poor decisions during this time (about a year), but my choice to question my sexuality was never one of them.

I had come out of the closet at a fairly young age, after a fair amount of confusion; I felt that it was possible that I had taken things that happened to me and allowed them to shape who I became, in a way that wasn’t necessarily accurate.

However, after this dating of men, it became incredibly apparent to me that I was not, in fact, attracted to men after all. Although my preference of women over men may have happened right around the same time as some bad things happened to me, the two weren’t as interconnected as I had thought as a teenager.

Now, in the lesbian community, there’s a bit of stigma surrounding women who have had sex with men, but choose to identify as lesbians.

Many see us as “bisexual” despite the fact that a label is something you set for yourself – and often, if a woman feels that you have been dishonest about your sexuality, she may dismiss you entirely – and I ran into this a fair amount in my subsequent dating life.

A fair amount of this is based on biphobia, which is its own problem, but other women’s rejection of my self-imposed label felt like a slap in the face.

For women who have never had sex with a man, it can be difficult for them to wrap their head around the idea of a woman who has. I’ve never been a good liar, so I don’t even try – I have always been upfront with the women I’ve pursued when it comes to my past.

When it comes to dating men, I’ve never been particularly proud of my choices, but the fact remains that if I hadn’t examined these feelings, the questioning would always be there.

This is often what leads women to consider relationships with other women in the first place – their uncertainty surrounding their heterosexuality. Why, then, was it so different for me to transition to “bi-curiosity” in the other direction?

For anyone who has any inkling of curiosity when it comes to dating the gender that they don’t typically date, I urge you to explore it – safely. You may face some contention when it comes to your future partners, but hopefully this will soon be an obsolete thing.

After all, I’ve always been a firm believer in “don’t knock it until you try it” – why is our sexuality treated differently than that?

In my personal experience, my experimentation only confirmed what I had previously thought: I am definitely very, very gay. That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you if you find out one day that you’re not.

Sexuality is often said to be fluid and can change over the course of your life. What works one day may not necessarily be true the next. It doesn’t mean you were wrong or that your sexuality was just a phase, it means that you’re human and you have changed.

Why Dating A Stem Is Pretty Much The Best

When it comes to lesbians, there are typically two main categories that we’re broken into: That would be, studs and femmes. However, many lesbians choose to stay somewhere in the middle area – I like to call that stem territory. (Stem = stud + femme, for those who weren’t aware.)


Other people refer to this as “verses”, “no labels”, or any variety of words, really, because the labels you assign yourself happen to be a matter of personal preference.

Don’t get me wrong – I love all women. On a fundamental level, none of us is any better than any others, and this article isn’t meant to convey superiority. But in the interest of equality, shouldn’t we all be striving for actual equality? Stems and no-labels happen to fit the bill perfectly in this regard.

Here are my top 10 reasons why dating a stem is something everyone should experience in their lives!

1. They don’t care about your stereotypes.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with stereotypes, in theory. They’re there because they serve a purpose, whether it’s for the person submitting themselves to the stereotype or the person assigning the stereotype. However, when you turn the stereotypes on their face, you force the people to actually accept you as you are – and that’s a beautiful thing!

2. They look great in anything.

Stems can rock basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt one day, and the next day they could step out in an evening gown and some heels. It’s great because some days you want to look extra stunning, and other days you might not want to put forth the effort. A stem will easily understand if you, too, don’t want to put forth that same effort sometimes – it’s hard work trying to fit the same label all the time!

3. You basically have two girlfriends.

Some of the stems I know even have separate personas for their multiple labels. No, that doesn’t mean they’re crazy, just that they identify in a non-binary way that lets you have two different girlfriends: The one rocking Jordans and the one rocking Louboutins – and neither one is mad because they share the same body.

Win-win! (And if you happen to have a stem with curly hair and glasses, this can be extra fun… A straightener and some contacts will up the “girlfriend” count to 8. It’s pretty great, actually.)

4. They’re down for whatever.

Going to the ballet? She’s down, because she spent six years in ballet classes when she was a kid. Going to the hockey game? Even better, she’ll cheer louder than everyone else in the arena. Stems don’t like to limit themselves for anything, and they won’t expect you to limit yourself to just the interests that “fit” with your image.

5. They’re easy going!

OK, so technically this isn’t inclusive of all stems, nor does it exclude all who fit into a predefined label. But generally speaking, stems don’t really care what you choose to label yourself as, because they haven’t labeled themselves either. They just don’t care. And if you do have a specific preference in a partner, they’re likely willing to accommodate – within reason.

You want a femme? She’ll be the girliest girl you’ve ever seen on every date. You prefer studs? Watch her rock a pinstriped suit like a boss.

6. They’re independent.

Because they don’t choose to limit themselves to the “traditionally male” or “traditionally female” roles, they’re more ready to open themselves to the possibility of whatever life throws at them. They may lift weights so that they can open their own jars without you, and they might know how to give a killer manicure because they just spent all of last week obsessing over the perfect nail polish shades.

There’s something extra sexy about knowing your girl wants you, but she doesn’t need you.

7. They get to play “spy”.

The stems that I know can present themselves as more masculine when they’re hanging out with their guy friends, or they can present themselves as more feminine when they’re hanging out with their girl friends. It’s not an exact science, but being able to fit in with the straight community is pretty helpful in this day and age where lesbians are presumed to be more accepted, but in reality they’re just more sexualized.

By being “one of the guys” with their straight male friends, and “one of the girls” with their straight female friends, they can influence the topic of discussion away from the “Are you sure you’re gay?” and the “I’m not sure I’m straight”, respectively.

8. Studs – they’ll teach you how to be more feminine.

Maybe you don’t think you need to be more feminine, and that’s ok. But when you date a stem, she’ll probably show you how fun it can be to lay back and be the “pillow princess” – even if you’d prefer to be called Batman. Stems can teach you the things that you’re missing out on by putting up your masculine face first.

9. Femmes – they’ll teach you how to be more masculine.

Just like with the studs, maybe you’re comfortable with your current balance. That’s fine, and she should never force you into anything you don’t want to do. But if you have yet to experience how sexy it can be when she looks at you and says “I want you to take me right now” – well, you’re in for a treat!

10. They look the same naked anyway.

This doesn’t specifically refer to stems, but I’ve chosen to include it because, at the end of the day, your lady is still going to be your lady, regardless of how she chooses to dress. Why limit yourself to someone who fits into this stereotype that you’ve defined?

Stem girls will still be the same person at the end of the day that they were yesterday, a week ago, or two years ago. And isn’t that what really matters?

Why Falling For Your Best Friend is the Hardest Love to Get Over

I’m a strong advocate for the “friends first” approach to relationships. If you can’t be friends with someone, what are the chances that you’ll really make it in a relationship? I know there are some who don’t agree with this philosophy, and even some who argue that your partner shouldn’t be like one of your friends – but I’ve never really been able to wrap my head around that.

The problem with my approach is that sometimes, you fall for the person you never intended to have a relationship with – the person who was your perfect platonic soul mate. The relationship is wonderful – you have everything in common, and the sex is incredible – but then things happen and one day it’s not so great anymore.

What do you do when someone you’ve been so close with for so long suddenly isn’t there for you like that anymore?

When I was 18, I began dating a girl who I had literally known my whole life. We were born on the same day, in the same hospital, and our parents had been friends long before our birth. Once upon a time, we shared everything – clothes, music, life goals, the works.

Then one day, I found myself crushing on her… Hard. I confessed my feelings to her, and she confessed a bit of curiosity as well. I knew that she had some issues in her path that would no doubt make the relationship difficult. But I told myself, “It’s different with me. It has to be.”

But it wasn’t, and we didn’t date for very long. I still cared a lot about her, but I wasn’t willing to deal with the things that were a requirement for her in a relationship. I required exclusivity and monogamy, which were things she had long told me she was unwilling to provide to a partner. I had assumed things would be different because we had such a long history, but the truth is, you can’t expect to be the exception, or you’re going to get hurt.

That doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with her, or anything wrong with me – just that we weren’t a good fit for a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, being 18 years old at the time, I didn’t see it that way, and I lashed out a bit. I made some unwise choices and found myself (ultimately) paying for my bad choices, while she seemed to have suffered no consequences for it – and that only made things worse.

I spent a good deal of my time trying to force myself over her, so much so that I began to resent her. Inwardly I knew it wasn’t her fault that I had overlooked everything she ever told me – but it was easier to place the blame on her than to take responsibility for my poor judgment. I was a mess, and I thought it was all her fault. (It wasn’t.) After awhile, I began to think it was all my fault. (It wasn’t.) The truth is, relationship problems aren’t ever all anyone’s fault – regardless of the specific problems you may face.

I’d like to think that we’d still be friends today if I hadn’t professed my feelings to her, but I know that’s probably not true. She made some shady choices in the time since we broke up, and we had naturally grown apart. It’s not easy to maintain a friendship over an entire lifetime, after all, and I know I’m not a perfect person either.

Do I judge her for some of her past mistakes? Sure I do. Does she judge me for some of mine? I have no doubts. Does this mean I shouldn’t have told her how I felt? Absolutely not.

If I had never told her how I felt, I would never have truly moved past those feelings. It would have been this thing at the back of my mind for the rest of my life, and would have potentially sacrificed other valuable relationships whenever this friend came into the picture. Plus, it would have hurt to keep it bottled up.

The fact is, “best friend” love is tough to recover from, because we often form such a tight bond with the person before we even consider the possibility of loving them. This bond, mixed with any sexual chemistry you may find, provides a much deeper love than your average casual relationship. (Although, it is important to realize that this type of “best friend” bond often comes with time over the course of a meaningful relationship, too, but the fact that your BFF was your best friend first makes it extra hard to go back to just being friends.)

Ladies, I urge you to discuss your feelings when they become necessary. Bottling things up doesn’t solve anything, it won’t make them go away, they just breed and grow in the dark like bacteria. (I’m not much for feelings, can you tell?) Whether you choose to explore those feelings with the friends they pertain to is a matter of personal choice, but she could really be the love of your life. You’ll never know if you don’t explore it.

The Difference Between A Mature Relationship And An Immature Relationship

I’ve been in a lot of relationships over the course of my life. (Ok, maybe not a lot, but definitely my fair share.) Almost always, we want to think that the relationship we’re in is worth the effort that we put into it – and usually it is. The good experiences bring us good memories, and the bad experiences bring us good lessons. That’s not to say that every relationship is equal, though; there are definitely a number of factors that play into determining whether a relationship was handled maturely or not.

These defining characteristics may be incredibly obvious. For example, if you end up in a fist fight over who gets to choose the TV channel – that’s not a healthy relationship and you should definitely move on, as soon as possible. Other times, these criteria are a bit more subtle and it takes a bit of examination to discern whether they’re worth staying in the relationship and investing more time.

Difference #1: What you’re willing to spend


An immature relationship is built on gifts and monetary spending. One partner (or maybe even both!) will pamper the other with little tokens of their affection, but they won’t be willing to invest their time and attention into building the relationship.

A mature relationship will instead focus on the time spent together and making sure that it’s valuable. That’s not to say that you can’t still give your partner gifts – many women love gifts! But it shouldn’t be an expectation, nor should it be the primary basis for your relationship.

That being said…

Difference #2: Your time


An immature relationship will have the partners wanting to spend all their time together, sometimes at the expense of their other commitments. They never get tired of being around each other, and they never need their own time to do their own thing.

A mature relationship will instead focus on making the best use of the time spent together. Instead of being around each other every minute of every day, they will understand that there are sometimes other commitments that take precedence.

Even though the couple may live together, they don’t take that to mean that they should be attached at the hip. Even if the commitments are just to yourself – such as a hobby you enjoy that your partner does not – a mature relationship will allow both partners to explore themselves in addition to “the couple”.

Difference #3: Your friends


An immature relationship seeks to inject the partner into all of the friendships of one another. This isn’t automatically a bad thing, as it’s always nice meeting new people and networking. However, not everyone gets along perfectly, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

A mature relationship allows the partners to spend time with their friends, regardless of whether their partner can (or is willing to) come with them. This plays into the time apart, because it’s really not healthy to spend all your time with the same people, nor is it healthy to ignore your friends simply because your partner isn’t particularly fond of them. (That’s not how you keep your friends!)

Difference #4: Your family


An immature relationship may separate their relationship from their family, whether it’s due to them not being out of the closet, or their partner isn’t fond of their family, or even just because they don’t want to mix the two aspects of their selves. On the other hand, an immature relationship may seek to immerse your new relationship into the family right away.

This is particularly true if you live with your parents, although it can extend to anyone.

A mature relationship sees their partnership as a new family. This means that sometimes they may intertwine, and other times they do not. I don’t feel that anyone should be forced to come out to their family if they’re not comfortable doing so, but if your partner just isn’t fond of your family – a mature girlfriend will still accept them as being a part of who you are.

Relationships (both familial and romantic) require a bit of intermingling sometimes in order to build closeness.

Difference #5: Your appearance


An immature relationship means both people will try their hardest to look perfect for one another. They spend extra time getting ready, even if just for a quick meeting.

A mature relationship doesn’t care how the other partner looks. Undoubtedly they’ve seen each other at their worst already, so there’s not as much emphasis on the looks. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t try to get dressed up for each other every now and then, but it’s not a big deal if they’re having a “lazy day” sometimes.

Difference #6: Your intimacy


An immature relationship builds its intimacy on the physical plane. Whether this means sex, making out, or even simply cuddling is up to the partners involved, but the two don’t really delve deep into the aspects of what makes them who they are.

A mature relationship adds to the physical intimacy with emotional closeness. The partners will be able to discuss the things that are bothering them, memories from their childhood, and all manner of things to draw them closer together. Hopefully they don’t abandon the physical aspects that were present in the beginning, but there should be much more than that.

Difference #7: Fighting and arguing

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An immature relationship has no fighting. Minor altercations are likely to cause a break-up, so they’re avoided when possible. One or both partners may suppress their inner thoughts out of fear of chasing the other away, so they’re left holding onto things until they blow up or simply leave.

A mature relationship understands that some fights are worth having. Certainly not everything, but if it’s a big deal – it’s going to be a fight. But a mature relationship also understands that not every fight is worth breaking up over, and they will do their best to rationally move past these fights so that they can build a better future. In a mature relationship, neither partner denies responsibility when they have done wrong, and neither partner places the full blame on the other partner. They work through things together to reach a stronger conclusion.

With all these differences, it can seem like it’s a race to get to maturity – but that’s not really the right way to approach it. Relationships need time to mature on their own, and if you force it before your partner is ready you may end up alienating them. There’s no rush – not all relationships are meant to make it in the long term! This might seem like doomed thinking, but really, it’s not. If all relationships were meant to end in marriage, the divorce rate would be much higher than it already is.

Just have some fun, and the relationship will grow with you if it’s meant to. If it’s not moving along at the rate you’d like, consider talking about it to your partner, in a mutually safe space. Chances are, if you both have the same intentions, though, it’ll progress on its own without the need for you to interfere.

Minor Arguments Vs. Big Blowouts

Many people think that a healthy relationship means that you never fight. This isn’t true – not in the least! Never fighting is most likely to mean that at least one of you is keeping things bottled up, possibly serious issues that should be addressed immediately.

However, if you’re fighting all the time, this isn’t healthy either – in all good relationships, there needs to be a balance.

But, how do you know which fights are worth it?

Before you fight with your partner, you should ask yourself a few questions to see if it’s really worth fighting about. If the answer is yes, then by all means – don’t hesitate to speak up!

But if the answer is no, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.

Is this actually a problem, or is it just an annoyance?

If your partner is doing something that annoys you, it’s possible that she doesn’t even realize it. By picking a fight over it, rather than calmly discussing it, you might only be hurting her feelings.

And, if she does know that what she’s doing is irritating to you, she could be seeking a reaction – your anger in response to these actions will only add fuel to the fire. (Hey, we’d like to pretend that our partners don’t intentionally bug us…

But be honest, have you ever intentionally bothered a partner?)

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Will fighting about it change anything?

If you’re going to fight about something that your partner has no control over, such as the sound she makes when she’s chewing or the sound of her laugh, it can feel like an attack on herself.

Fighting with her about it will only hurt her feelings.

Is it recent and relevant?

If it’s something that you’ve already fought about, and your partner is obviously actively trying to fix the problem, you should be patient with her.

If it doesn’t seem like she’s trying, a gentle reminder can be nice – but there is a chance that she’s putting forth the effort that she can already.

Picking a fight about something in the past is likely to make her feel that her efforts are wasted, which can lead her to stop trying altogether.

Is it actually her fault?

You shouldn’t pick a fight with your partner if she doesn’t actually have anything to do with the problem. If you’re mad about work, for example, taking it out on your partner definitely won’t solve anything.

She’s there to be your support system, not your catch-all for every frustration. The same goes for things that are your problem.

A good partner will listen to your problems – but she shouldn’t absorb the anger over it.

Is it worth the potential of breaking up?

Sure, most fights don’t end in a break-up. But the fact of the matter is that some do.

If it’s not a big enough issue to risk the end of the relationship over, you probably should find a way to calmly discuss it, rather than turning it into a big deal.

Exercising these few questions before you pick a fight with your partner can help to alleviate some of the stress caused by misunderstandings and misguided frustrations.

By all means, some fights need to happen – you need to speak up when you feel that you are being taken advantage of, and you should definitely bring things to her attention if you feel she’s simply not seeing what she’s putting you through. But unnecessary fighting can just cause stress for all parties involved, and that’s not what you want.

The majority of problems, however, should be met with a calm, relaxed conversation. Wait until you’ve calmed down, maybe take a few notes, and process things before you bring them up.

This way you’re less likely to lash out, and you can address issues in a way that makes more sense to you both.

Top 6 Unique First Dates

In the current world of lesbian relationships, so many are started online – which, in a way, takes off a lot of the pressure.

There’s a higher likelihood that we know more about our new interest before we actually meet face-to-face, and can therefore set up a date that’s out of this world. But what if you’ve met a stellar girl and want to impress her with something other than dinner and a movie?

We tend to veer towards the cliché because it’s easy, but easy isn’t always good. In fact, if you’re just going to dinner and a movie, your date will be pretty unremarkable, and the appeal will be dependent on the quality of the food or the quality of the food or the production value of the movie… Not on your chemistry. Fear not, though!

We have compiled a list of dates that are sure to be memorable – from start to finish, these dates will cement your place as an innovator!

In no particular order, here are our top six:

1. An Aquarium or Zoo


When’s the last time you even went to an aquarium or a zoo? If you’re like most people, it probably hasn’t been since elementary school. But if you and your date are both animal lovers, it can be a fun way to learn something new. And who doesn’t want to learn something new?

Aquariums even have the added bonus of low, romantic lighting and harmonic whale sounds… Extra sexy, just in case you decide you’d rather not pay attention to the animals as much as your animal magnetism. (Wink, wink.)

2. A Book Store or Library


If you’re an avid reader, and your new boo is too, why wouldn’t a book store or a library be one of your top choices for a date? You can bond over your specific interests, and maybe even pick up some new reading material if you don’t happen to hit it off.

While the library is somewhat of a “cheap date” (your date may or may not see it this way), going to a book store will give you the opportunity to be ultra-suave and buy her a new book – maybe the next in a series she’s already reading, maybe one of your favorites…

Either way, this can be a great way for you to bond with someone who may eventually be #1 in your own personal book club.

3. The Mall


Personally, I like going to the mall when I’m not sure of where I stand with a girl. (Past experiences have taught me that mall-window-shopping dates occasionally tell me that the girl I’m interested in actually has a boyfriend, but that’s another story.)

At least with a mall date, there’s no romantic atmosphere to get in the way – if it ends up not working out, hey, at least you got to browse Victoria’s Secret with a new friend, right?

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4. A Sports Game


If you’re both interested in sports (or if she is, and you’re willing to go along with), why not consider a date at a sports game? I personally love hockey – and going to a hockey game with a girl I’m into gives me the opportunity to see how she responds when she’s excited and/or passionate.

This is great! Of course, if she’s not into sports, this isn’t a great option – you don’t want to bore her. Most girls are willing to check it out, though, so just ask! You might be surprised.

5. “Cruising”


Cruising is a personal favorite of mine, provided that whoever is driving has a car with good fuel-economy. One of the best first dates I ever had was actually just driving around looking at Christmas lights – even though I never had a second date with this girl.

It’s a good chance for you to talk, enjoy some scenery, and if your hormones get the best of you, you can always pull over for a bit of making out. It’s a win-win!

6. A Picnic in the Park


Once upon a time, picnics in the park weren’t such a rare thing, but nowadays it’s much less commonplace. This can be particularly great if you’ve got a particular dish that you cook exceptionally well – the old adage “The quickest way to the heart is through the stomach” – yeah, it means a lot more if you cook the food than if you buy it.

Even if you can’t cook to save your life, some sandwiches and a plush blanket can go a long way. This gives you a chance to talk, enjoy each other’s company, and ask a bunch of questions.

Once you’re done eating and talking, you can even channel your inner children and play on the playground equipment – have you ever gone swinging with someone you’re interested in?

While your individual results will vary depending on the interests that you and your new date happen to share, these are sure to be different than (at least the majority of) dates that she has already been on, and they keep the bar low just in case you decide that you’re better off as friends. (We don’t like to admit it, but it does happen sometimes.)

I’m always interested in hearing how it went, too – leave a comment here or on the KitschMix Facebook page and let me know!

Relationship Dilemmas: Songs Ruined By Exes

Those with a strong musical inclination may find themselves putting more emphasis into “your song” when it comes to you and your partner.

For me personally, I have a very strong association between certain songs, and the ladies they pertain to, and I know I’m not alone in this. But what happens when you break up – are these songs “cursed” now, doomed to be associated with the memories that the ex represents?

In my experience, this association is hard to control. Maybe we dedicated “Don’t Matter” by Akon to a girl who was hated by all of our family and friends – only to realize later that all their “hating” and “jealousy” over this person was actually well warranted.

Maybe you dedicated “Naked” by Avril Lavigne to some girl, only to find out later that she was actually getting “naked” with more people than you were comfortable with. Whatever the reason for the break-up, it’s important that you don’t let the failed relationship dictate the songs you can listen to.


Well, let’s translate this to another example: Say on your first date with this person, you went to your favorite restaurant, and the experience was phenomenal. Then a year or so later, you find out that this person is a complete jerk. Would you stop going to your favorite restaurant? Probably not – you’d just change who you go with.

I think it’s important to recognize the difference between an association and a curse. I might, for example, skip this song when thinking of a song to dedicate to a new love interest – but I wouldn’t delete it from my collection.

Sometimes memories are powerful, and your acceptance of this is important. Experiences (both good and bad) help to form future relationships in the way that we need to develop them.

A cheating ex, for example, teaches you that you aren’t willing to accept infidelity in your future relationships, and helps you to understand the signs of cheating in order to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of in the future.

An ex who is verbally abusive will teach you that you don’t want to put up with that in your new relationships, too. There are many examples that could be provided, but generally, the memory of these past indiscretions will help you in the future – don’t just dismiss these memories!

In that way, the associations can be good, too, even if the exact memories associated are bad. Listening to the songs that remind you of your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are still hung up on her (although if you find that you are, it’s best to not involve your new interest in these things – you’re probably not really ready to move on).

But bringing these memories to mind, you are actively reminding yourself of what you want and need. This is essential if you hope to meet your goals.

Remember, most relationships don’t last forever. It sucks, but it’s true. These bad experiences can (and usually are) helpful to your personal growth. Remembering the good things ensures that you strive for a partner who can fulfill the same needs that your previous partner(s) have fulfilled.

Remembering the bad things ensures that you won’t allow them to continue. Love (and life) are all about growth. Don’t dwell on the past, but use it to help you grow.

Are You A Victim Of Subtle Abuse?

When entering a relationship, most people know the obvious signs of abuse – that is, when your partner is verbally berating or physically attacking you on a regular basis. However, the more subtle signs can easily be just as important. Not only are they directly responsible for your personal happiness, but they also have the potential to turn into bigger problems if allowed to continue.

But, how do you know that you’re being abused if the signs are not so obvious? The fact that you’re reading this article tells me you are already aware of certain abusive patterns. If your partner is exhibiting any of the following signs, we urge you to discuss it with them before the problem becomes worse. In some cases, they may be unintentional and talking about them may help. If your partner becomes defensive when the issues are brought up, this is a good sign that it may be time to move on.

Your partner expects you to be faithful to him/her, but cannot offer you the same loyalty.

Some people are simply not cut out for monogamy, and this is fine – if you agree on it. If your partner expects you to commit to them while they can’t, it might be time to pack up your things.

Your partner tries to control who you can spend time with.

Initially, this isn’t likely to be a problem; you will actually agree with her if it’s better that you don’t spend time with that guy down the street who doesn’t “believe” that you’re gay. However, in some cases this can progress to the point where your partner tells you Your best friend doesn’t really care about you, you shouldn’t spend time with her anymore. This can eventually progress to I don’t think your family has your best interests at heart; you should stop talking to them. It’s important to examine all the clues in this scenario: Sometimes, your partner is right! Re-evaluating all of your relationships, whether romantic or familial or even just friendly is an important process. However, if you find that your partner is making these comments without grounds in facts, you may be being controlled.

Your partner expects you to do all the work.

I don’t care if this means that you are the sole wage earner and your partner chooses instead to play video games, or if it means that your partner refuses to do any work around the house, but expects it to be well maintained. An effective relationship is a partnership, and unless you can split the work in a way that satisfies both of you, one of you will become worn out and resentful over time.

Your partner has nothing positive to say about you.

This doesn’t pertain to a simple lack of compliments, which – while potentially hurtful – is not usually an indication of an abusive situation. Rather, I’m talking about their need to point out your flaws, without regard to your feelings. If they are unable to frame their criticism in the form of helpful feedback, it’s likely that they are inclined towards abusive behaviors – keep an eye out, and don’t allow more than you can handle.

Your partner has high demands for your physical appearance.

It’s one thing to want your partner to be attractive – we all do! It’s another thing entirely if your partner demands that you dress a certain way or alter your appearance (hair style, color, weight, etc.) in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is a grey area, because only you can determine what you are comfortable with, but a good partner should love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.

Your partner demands sexual activities that you aren’t comfortable with.

This is another grey area, as often we aren’t aware of our “kinks” until we have explored them fully. However, if you have explored something and have found that you truly are not willing to do it, and your partner insists – this is a problem. (Note: This pertains to unwanted sexual advances as well. Just because you and your partner are committed does not mean that they have control over your consent.)

Your partner threatens suicide or violence if you leave her.

This can be an exceptionally tough situation, in my personal experience. There will be part of you that wants to try harder to make the relationship work because, obviously, you truly care about this person, and you don’t want them dead or in jail. However, the only strategy I’ve personally found to overcome this is a willingness to step back, leave the situation, and let someone else handle it. I was lucky enough to have roommates when I was in a less-than-great relationship, and I was able to reach out to that roommate and say, “Hey, she’s locked herself in the bathroom with a knife. Can you please check on her in awhile to make sure she’s okay? It’s not safe for me to be there right now.” That should have been a hint for me to get out, but (like many people in abusive situations) I wasn’t willing to let go yet.

This is in no way to be considered an all-inclusive list, and the decision to continue or stop a relationship is entirely up to the parties involved. Relationships are a very personal matter and no one can evaluate them but you. This is also true if you notice that someone you know has exhibited signs of being abused – no amount of coaxing will get them to leave their partner if they’re not ready. It can be frustrating for those who are only trying to help, but keep in mind that your efforts to help will sound a lot like the claims being made by their partner, and you run the risk of alienating your loved one by pointing this out.

You should also keep in mind that none of these issues, on their own, is automatically a sign of an abusive partner, so tread lightly and ensure that you are properly analyzing the details (preferably on your own at first). This will allow you to make an informed decision, and will help you to understand if these things can be helped (and the relationship saved). However, if your partner is displaying multiple signs from this list, it may be time to let go.

Don’t Fear the Friend Zone

In this day and age, there’s a huge focus on the existence of “the friend zone” – does it exist? Is it a myth? Is it a term used by people who are hurt that they didn’t get the attention they felt they deserved?

Well, in a way, it’s sort of a mix of all these things.

Many of my friends explicitly refer to the friend zone when they’re speaking to their potential (and past) relationship prospects; it’s a term that’s easily understood and lets it be well known that you will not, in fact, be reaching second base with this person. (Although that’s not always true – friends-with-benefits zone seems to be a real thing, too.)

However, the general reaction to this mystery area is that it’s a negative thing – we ignore the positive outcomes that arise from it because we’re so focused on the pain and sting of rejection.

But, what if instead of focusing on the rejection, we put our attention instead to the benefits that friend-zoning brings?

1. It’s an exercise in not settling.

Often when we think of “the friend zone”, we feel that we are entitled to have a relationship with a person (romantic or sexual) due to the kindness we have shown them and the effort we have put into the process, while on the other side of the coin, we use “let’s just be friends” to signal that we care about this person, but don’t wish to compromise certain aspects of our criteria for the “perfect mate”.

While true perfection doesn’t exist, the fact remains that you can be attracted to a person and they can still be wrong for you. The friend zone teaches that sometimes it’s better to not settle on things that you consider mandatory for a partner – whether you are the one doing the rejecting, or you are the one being rejected.

2. It’s often a learning experience.

Let’s say, for example, the girl who rejected you turns out to be a complete jerk (hey, it happens). Maybe her requirements for a date were that she was more intelligent than her – which she qualifies by a college degree, even though she herself is still in college.

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t value you as you are? In pleading with a girl who has rejected you based on something that seems unfair, you’re basically begging her to be realistic – which, dealing with women teaches us is rarely worthwhile to look at.

On the other side of the coin, her necessary qualifications could be something entirely out of your control – such as your height. If a woman only dates women who are shorter than her, and you are obviously taller than her, pleading with her to change her mind can be futile, as she’s not likely to budge and you’re not likely to shrink.

Other criteria, such as race or nationality, can be frustrating to the person who doesn’t meet them – but it’s important that your partner likes you for who you are. Asking them to compromise their own standards, even if they don’t make sense to you, is basically forcing yourself to be “not good enough” even if you do eventually win her over.

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3. Great friendships have been built on the foundation of relationships that failed before they begun.

I have a few friends (who shall remain nameless) who I originally started talking to with the hopes of being more than just friends with them. One of them disclosed that I wasn’t her type – she preferred bigger ladies of Mexican descent, and here I was, a slightly chubby white girl.

I didn’t let it impede my desire to get to know her better, and now she’s one of my best friends – I share pretty much everything with her! She has provided me with valuable advice regarding the relationships I’ve been in since, as I have sought to do for her. If I had begged with her to give up on her “type”, we probably would have broken up and I never would have spoken to her again.

Another friend rejected me because of mutual differences in what we looked for: I was looking for someone local to get to know better, and she was only looking for friends. Well, she won – we started talking as friends.

Although it did hurt at first that it felt like she wanted nothing to do with me, we talk on a regular basis and are actually much closer for it. Sure, I still find her (and the friend referenced above) incredibly attractive – but I’m thankful for the friendship and wouldn’t do anything to compromise that now.

4. Someone more suited to your needs may be just around the corner.

This might be the most important thing: The best relationships happen when you’re not looking for a relationship. At the time I met my current partner, I had given up on the idea of finding a girlfriend, because all my efforts were met with resistance by the other party, or generally we just weren’t a good fit.

Once I gave up on finding a relationship, my soul mate happened to fall into my lap – and, unlike the jerks that I tend to seek out, she actually sought me out, offering all the things that had been missing from all of the attempted relationships of the past several months.

The fact that we’re still together two years later speaks wonders about this philosophy. If you’re seeking a relationship to fill a void, it probably won’t. It’s better to let love find you naturally. (Not that you shouldn’t help it along if you can, but it’s definitely not good to be so desperate that you compromise your core values and resort to begging. Trust me on this one.)

5. Basically, we need to learn to accept the word “no”.

It’s a tough idea to grasp: My generation is one of forced entitlement. We got trophies for participating, and “no child left behind” penalized the teachers when their students didn’t try. This really isn’t right! I have always been a bit of an over-achiever despite the entitlements that my generation has impressed upon me, but that doesn’t mean that I deserve everything I work hard for.

Sometimes you just won’t be the right fit, and that’s ok! Work on developing yourself instead of focusing on the potential outcome, and your overall outcome will be better.

Let me reiterate: Being friend-zoned definitely sucks. There’s no doubt about that. But if you can keep a positive outlook, and focus on making yourself better, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, it really shouldn’t be the end of the world. You never know what may be in store for you in the future.

Sexual Abuse in Committed Same-Sex Relationships

One of the most overlooked aspects of any successful relationship is sexual compatibility. Often, this compatibility is a subconscious thing; we don’t know why we enjoy sex with our partner, we just do.

However, every now and then, one partner will have a significantly higher sex drive than the other.

This isn’t necessarily of particular concern, and it can be easily worked around, if both partners are willing to negotiate.

However, what happens when one partner pushes the issue to the point where the other partner isn’t receiving any enjoyment out of this intimacy?

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Believe it or not, there is such a thing as a sexually abusive relationship, even if the parties involved are deeply in love. Often we think that a commitment to this person means that we’re obligated to service their sexual “needs” when they arise – but this isn’t true, in the slightest.

From a technical standpoint, sexual abuse defines any sexual act that is not consensual. This can be difficult to define when you and your partner are committed. They may argue that you have an obligation. They may threaten to leave or to find “supplemental” sexual activities outside of your relationship. This isn’t fair to you, as you can’t really help if you’re not in the mood, and you shouldn’t be punished for this.

If your partner forces sexual activities on you – even if you love them – this is sexual abuse.

Now, this isn’t exactly the same as guilting you into performing sexual favors, although this can take its own toll on you emotionally. Rather, we are talking about proceeding further, despite you vocalizing your lack of consent for this activity (no matter what your reason might be).

If you’re reading this and you think to yourself, But we’re in love, and therefore I should be willing to give it up, whether I’m in the mood or not – this article probably isn’t going to sit well with you. Because, I’ve got news for you – If your partner truly cared about you, they wouldn’t want sexual activity with you if you didn’t want it.

What can you do, though?

Well, this is the tough part – nothing is going to change if you don’t speak up. It’s possible that your partner is just a bit less mature than you, and they aren’t aware that their sexual demands aren’t okay with you. It’s important that you tell them. If you’re genuinely worried about how they will respond to the concerns you have, there may be deeper issues in play – and this may be a sign that you need to get out of this relationship.

Whether your concern is that your partner wants it more often than you do (which is common), or that they demand activities you aren’t comfortable with (such as penetration if you have expressed an unwillingness to do so, or anal play when you have made it clear that you don’t want it, even demands for a threesome if you have made it clear that you have no desire to share), or any type of unwanted sexual attention – it’s important that both partners are consenting. Just because you have said yes in the past does not mean that you have to say yes, ever. Only you can determine consent.