Tag Archives: Lesbian Death Bed

SeX.ED 101 | WTF Is Lesbian Bed Death?

Today we take a moment to discuss Lesbian Bed Death – not to be confused with lesbian death bed, as a death bed is where someone dies.

So, WTF Is Lesbian Bed Death?

In 1982, sociologists Pepper Schwartz and Philip Blumstein published American Couples: Money, Work, Sex, which was the first major study to compare gays, lesbians, and heterosexual couples on issues such as sex, communication, and money.

Among many other findings, their research showed that lesbian couples had less frequent sex anyone else – thus the term lesbian bed death was born. Although their methodology and results were later challenged, the idea of lesbian bed death has taken on a life of its own, with damaging results.

Lesbian bed death –  (n.) When sexual relations between a lesbian couple have virtually ceased, yet the companionship remains.

There is now this stereotype that over time, lesbians become almost asexual; using their beds not for wild nights of passion, but for reading, sipping herbal tea, and hanging with their cats.

However, the truth is that lesbians who have been sleeping together for decades do have a love life, its just the marathon sex sessions slow down a little. Also many would argue that all couples (hetro and gay men) get tired of marathon sex sessions too – sex gets old regardless of a couple’s sexual orientation.


Lesbian bed death is not necessarily the symptoms of a doomed relationship. In fact its not a death, its a natural slowing down of a relationship, which is often created out of resignation and habit.

Also, a theory is it’s actually normal for sexual interest to wane when two people compromise a lot and share a lot, both trying to do the right thing by one another. We do so because we think we’re being generous and considerate, but sometimes this actually ends up making us feeling like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. And when we feel like this, we don’t feel sexual.

So what is the answer?

Spoiling. That’s right. So, once a week – when you don’t have to go to bed early or get up early the next day – create a night which is all about spoiling yourself with your partner.

Crack open a bottle of good wine, prepare an excellent dinner (or order in take-away), relax and watch some goofy-assed movie together. Eat some 80% organic, fair-trade chocolate (Green & Blacks is excellent). Have a shower together. Spend some time pleasuring each other,  and doesn’t matter if that means backrubs or getting it on, just whatever is for you want to do.

When everything in your evening is all about you and your partner and the enjoyment of fine, wonderful things, you can’t help but have a great time.