Tag Archives: lesbian life

Why We Should Be Talking About Femme Invisibility

Before delving into the specifics of this article, let me make a quick disclaimer. I do not consider myself to fall under the label of a “femme”, although I do often present myself as feminine when I am out in public (especially if under the request of my partner).

For those of us who do not fully identify with the binary definitions of lesbian presentation, the issue of invisibility is no less existent – in fact, our particular stance in between the femme and stud labels offers us exclusive insight into both sides of the coin.

When we choose to present as studs, on a particular day, it can be cast off by others as “just being a tomboy”; that is, someone who has seen us in a dress and heels may feel that this is our “true nature” and when we present ourselves in more masculine-attributed clothing, it seems like dress-up.

This sets an unfair precedence for outsiders to determine our “true” style without input from us, which will generally lead to faulty assumptions.

On the other hand, when we choose to present as more feminine on a given day, this can somehow “confirm” their assumptions about how we dress and what our intentions are.

Truly, judging anyone’s intentions based solely on what they are wearing is often wrong on many levels – but when it leads to us being ignored or marginalized, it is of greater concern to us.

For those of us who fall somewhere in between the “are you sure you’re not straight?” stereotypes and the “obviously gay” stereotypes, we want to believe that we can control someone’s opinions of us and influence our own reputations. To some degree, this is true, but there will always be assumptions made and stereotypes compared in reference to our appearance.

Why is femme invisibility a problem? Much of the concern comes from the fact that we aren’t immediately recognized as lesbians. In some scenarios (such as when you live in a region where discrimination due to orientation is a problem), this can be a good thing.

But, in other scenarios (such as when you’re trying to find like-minded individuals and they don’t see you as being in the same category they are), it can be frustrating, to say the least.

I’d like to say that we are only “invisible” when it comes to those outside of the gay community – but this is definitely not true. The fact is, even many lesbians have this subliminal message about “what a lesbian looks like”, even if they internally know that these stereotypes are not universal.

Of course I have been approached by men who refused to believe that I was a lesbian, and were convinced that I was “just trying it out” (which is certainly not true), but I have also had partners and family members question my intentions in regard to the relationship.

Let me say that questioning your partner’s intentions is a necessary step in the early stages of a relationship, but if your partner tells you that they want to be with you, you should understand that this is usually coming from sincerity and honesty. You shouldn’t question her motives just because she likes to wear dresses.

This type of thinking is archaic, and most likely had no grounds in facts even when it was a more appropriate assumption.

However, that’s not to say that some women can’t “own” their invisibility and use it to their advantage. Before becoming a writer, I worked in many situations where I felt that my job security may be threatened due to my orientation.

This is, of course, an issue all to itself that we must work together to overcome, but being able to “blend in” with the straight girls allowed me to remain “in the closet” while I was at work, and is probably a great deal of the reason I never truly transitioned into a primarily-stud-style. It’s just a theory I have.

What can we do to overcome these stereotypes? Individually, not a whole lot. As femmes or no-labels, we will undoubtedly be asked to justify our sexuality to others at multiple times in our lives.

It’s ultimately up to you whether you decide to address those people or simply leave the mystery there, until such a point that society stops assuming that “straight” is the default.

In the community, we can consciously work on ourselves to help improve the stereotypes associated with lesbians. One of the most straightforward ways to do this is to simply be “out” when we are in public – but understandably this isn’t a viable option for everyone.

A more subtle approach would entail that we stop seeking the “tell-tale signs” that someone is gay or straight – they’re mostly rubbish anyway.

Instead, it may be helpful to implement the theory that everyone is bisexual until proven differently. No, that doesn’t mean we should flirt with everyone and see where it goes – although if that’s your style, more power to you.

I am referring to removing all assumptions completely, and instead focus on getting to know a person before we apply a label to them. Labels, after all, should be personally identified, and not attached by strangers.

If the entire community can work to eliminate the application of a label to a third-party, I anticipate that in just a few short years we could do away with the invisibility and rejection that we all have the possibility of facing.

12 Things You Probably Forget to Tell Your Best Friends

I am not a very good friend. I tend to throw myself into my work and my relationships, so I don’t have much time left for my friends. I want to spend more time with them, but I have a hard time slowing down. I forget to even talk to anyone most of the time (sorry!).

There are so many things that I really need to get better about saying to them. They’ve helped me through some really rough patches since we’ve been friends, as all besties do, and sometimes I forget to thank them for just being there for me – even if I only need them part-time.

If you’ve forgotten to say these 12 things, too, it’s time you told your best friends how much they mean to you.

1. Thank you for reading my weird drunken texts.

I have this really bad habit of texting my besties when I’m drunk. Obviously, it’s good that I remember to talk to them, but when I drink, I go straight from “soft buzz” to “can’t text in proper English” – real quick. Since I’m normally so easy to communicate with, I know it makes no friggin’ sense when suddenly my texts look like the puppy sat on my phone.

Friends, thank you for deciphering my coded messages. And thank you for pretending to understand me.

2. Thank you for not judging me.

Whether it’s because of the above-mentioned texts or because I’ve gotten too pudgy for my favorite jeans, thank you for acting like I’m the picture of perfection. I appreciate knowing that you don’t judge me for the things I do, and for reminding me that “no judgment” is not the same as “no getting called on my crap”.

Friends, thank you for letting me be myself.

3. Thank you for being brutally honest with me.

One of my best friends cared enough to tell me that I had gained some weight since the last time she saw me. Like, a lot of weight. Like none of my clothes fit, except my skirts and my leggings – and even that’s debatable. I was in denial pretty bad, but my bestie would have none of it. “You’re getting so fat!” she tells me. “What happened?!” Of course, she was all compliments when I was losing the weight, but that’s how I know the bad stuff wasn’t meant to be mean.

Friends, thank you for telling me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it.

4. Thank you for thinking my exes are gross.

Okay, so this wasn’t so great when we were together, but my besties are the first ones to tell me how happy they are that I’m not with so-and-so anymore. (There are a few examples, so I’ll just leave that one blank.) And other than that one bestie who likes that one ex’s boobs (you both know who you are), I know they wouldn’t do anything to make me wonder where their loyalties are.

Friends, thank you for taking my side.

5. Thank you for protecting me from myself.

I tend to be a really self-destructive person sometimes, whether intentionally or through circumstance. My best friends have, at times, had to step in and be my voice of reason. They’ve stopped me from numerous bad choices, and I anticipate they will well into the future. (It might work a little better if I listened a little better, but what can I say – I’m a little self-destructive.)

Friends, thank you for trying to pass on your wisdom when it’ll help.

6. Thank you for not forgetting about me.

I get so wrapped up in work sometimes that I forget to even eat. Add a live-in relationship to that and you’ve basically got me forgetting about everyone who I don’t physically see every day. I actually went to text my brother – the one who lives ten minutes away from me – the other day, and realized I hadn’t texted him since October. Oops. It’s even worse with my friends – apparently I forgot to tell one bestie that I moved out of the county until six months later. Whoops!

Friends, thank you for knowing I’m thinking about you, even if I forget to say so.

7. Thank you for letting me talk about me.

I think I’m a bad friend. I don’t remember to check in a lot, so I pretty much only text my friends if I have something very specific to talk to them about – advice I need, help I want, or anything else. I ask a lot from my friends – because I’m waiting for them to ask for something from me. I’d do anything in my power to help a friend if they asked, but if I text them first, I’m probably asking for something. (Sorry!)

Friends, thank you for knowing I’m here for you if you need me – even when I don’t offer.

8. Thank you for randomly visiting me.

Okay, so it doesn’t happen as much now that I live in the middle of nowhere, but when I lived in the city, it would make my whole day when a friend came over to see me. One bestie came to visit me from almost five hours away! Even though it was a stop on a longer trip, that is so special – since I don’t drive myself, it’s nice to feel remembered (and I’ve always got an empty couch).

Friends, thank you for surprising me with forced socialization.

9. Thank you for coffee and sushi and anything else you’ve ever bought me, ever.

I’ve never been particularly well-off. I’ve had a few stints with “not being broke”, but that’s not really the same thing – I’m still paycheck to paycheck. For the friends who have picked me up and taken me out to eat, knowing I couldn’t afford to pay my own way – or that one bestie who loaned me $20 for my phone bill – or the friend who loaned me enough money to stock up on cold medicine – it’s all appreciated, and all counts as good karma.

Friends, thank you for not holding me to every cent I ever borrowed from you. (But I promise I’m going to pay it back eventually.)

10. Thank you for letting me have your hand-me-down hoodies.

Is there this unwritten rule somewhere that someone else’s sweatshirt is always more comfortable? Looking through my closet, I’ve got exactly three favorite hooded sweatshirts: One from my lifelong bestie, one from an ex-girlfriend, and one that technically still belongs to my current partner. I’ve got t-shirts from friends, and friends who have my old clothes – and I know we’ll end up trading back eventually.

Friends, thank you for letting me hold yearly swap meets in your wardrobe.

11. Thank you for extending your couch to me.

Fun fact: If it wasn’t for one of my best friends’ couches, I probably wouldn’t have left my abusive ex. If it wasn’t for another friend’s spare bed, I would have been homeless (twice now). I haven’t always been steady on my feet, and my best friends have had to bail me out more than I’d care to admit. Now that I have a little space of my own, I’d be happy to do the same – but my friends don’t seem to make the same bad decisions I do.

Friends, thank you for saving me from the holes I couldn’t get myself out of.

12. Thank you for being my best friend.

In everything we do, we tend to forget to thank the people who helped to make it possible. I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t have friends pushing me to do well in life. I know I’m not always the greatest friend, but you guys are. They say you can’t pick your family – but I disagree. You guys are all the best to me, and I love every last one of you!

Friends, thank you for being you.

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18 Things Only Girls Who Suck at Being Domestic Can Understand

There’s been a long-running joke between me and all my exes: I don’t do the “wifey” thing. I clean up after myself, and I’m a pretty good cook, but that’s just not my style – I don’t want to feel like I have to do it. And, for a long time, I thought that was why I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to be “someone’s wife” – I have to be my own person. I figured, eventually I’d meet a woman who was more of the domestic type, and everything would sort itself.

Well… so far, no such luck. But I have learned a few things along the way.

1. The microwave is your friend.

Also see toaster oven and boxed meals.

2. Disposable dishes are a guilty pleasure.

If you get biodegradable ones, that’s better for the environment than washing the dishes with harsh chemicals… Right?

3. Crock pots and slow cookers are your BFFs.

Listen, if a microwave is good, a slow cooker is great. Preparing dinner before I start my work day just works better for me.

4. Laundry is your favorite chore.

The best chore is one you can ignore for an hour at a time. (Personally, I’m fond of sorting socks, too.)

5. You really only have to do the floors if they look or feel dirty.

If no one knows the floor is dirty, is it really dirty?

6. If your partner cooks, you’re supposed to clean up after.

I think that’s a rule when neither partner is the domestic type. Share the burden!

7. If your partner cleans, you should probably cook.

Unless you have extra money, and then an impromptu date night is an acceptable alternative.

8. You end up spending most of your extra money eating out.

Chances are, you know which restaurants in your town have good service, good value, and good food, because you eat there three nights a week.

9. You have to remind yourself to do the major cleaning.

I’m pretty good at keeping my immediate area tidy and keeping my bed made, but the dishes and laundry are definitely things I schedule.

10. Bargaining is part of your everyday routine.

Sure, honey, I’ll make you some boxed dinner, but only if you wash the pots for me first.

11. Your cleaning routine is somewhat based on who’s going to be coming over.

Best friend from childhood? She knows you’re a mess – no need to do a thorough cleaning just to impress her.

12. You have to make a game out of it.

Literally was just discussing “hamper hoops” with my partner, because doing the laundry would suck a lot less if I didn’t have to gather it all up, too.

13. Cleaning requires a full day – and at least three days’ notice.

It’s not that we’re slovenly people, but actually focusing on cleaning the house will definitely require time to prepare ourselves, and extra time for distractions.

14. You’ve got a ton of gadgets you’ll never use.

My mother has about six different blenders – which I’ll never understand. I’ve got a microwave-and-grill, a breadmaker, and a rice cooker – all of which are still in the boxes. We’re more appliance collectors than homemakers.

15. Did I mention that dishes are a horrible chore that nobody likes?

I actually bribe my girlfriend so she’ll do the dishes, and I don’t have to.

16. You’d rather work two jobs than be a housewife.

I made the joke with all of my serious exes: I would rather work two, even three jobs, than to stay home and do all the chores. I guess the joke’s on me since I now work several at-home jobs.

17. Anything is a good excuse to go out to eat.

Maybe this is especially true in the lesbian community since we just love to eat out. (Pun definitely intended.) But it doesn’t matter whether you have a headache or an extra $10 – going out to eat is always preferred.

18. You grow tired of your homemaker friends saying how tired they are all the time.

Like raising a family and keeping the house spotless are the only things that can make you tired – a day of hard work can do that, too. (No slight intended to my homemaker friends – I know you work hard, too. It’s just not for me!)

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How Gay Are You? Signs You Might Be A Lesbian

For years, queer women have been trying to find ways to identify each other. It used to be commonplace to give violets to another woman as a sign of your interest in her, but for whatever reason, that died out.

Then, for a while, homosexuals in general were emblazoned with a shining symbol of their homosexuality – but that wasn’t really a good thing, either (read up on the Holocaust if you’re interested in learning more).

Then, we had the Lesbian Uniform – until straight women (and dudes) started appropriating our clothes. What’s a poor lesbian to do?!

Thankfully, there are ways to help understand if a woman you’re interested in is probably gay – or if you’re wondering about your own sexuality.

Please look through the following list and see how many lesbian points you’ve got. (Extra credit if you get a perfect score, but anything over half means you’re probably gay.)

Music: Which of the following artists are you in love with?

Worth one point each:

  • The Indigo Girls
  • Ani DiFranco
  • Tegan & Sara
  • Melissa Etheridge
  • Joan Jett
  • Justin Bieber

Television: Which of the following shows do you watch religiously?

Worth one point each:

  • The L Word
  • Wentworth
  • Orange is the New Black
  • Orphan Black
  • Jessica Jones
  • Pretty Little Liars
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Lost Girl
  • The Fosters
  • Buffy
  • Ellen
  • Any other TV show with a lesbian leading character – no exceptions.

Movies: Which of the following do you own and/or have memorized?

Worth a possible two points each – one for owning it, and one for memorizing it:

  • I Can’t Think Straight
  • My Summer of Love
  • Unveiled
  • Itty Bitty Titty Committee
  • Aimee & Jaguar
  • Loving Annabelle
  • Tipping the Velvet
  • Imagine Me & You
  • Desert Hearts
  • Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love
  • Any other lesbian films – a possible two points each for any more you can come up with.

Pets: Do you own a cat?

Worth one point for each cat – two points if you got the cat with your partner.

Sports: Do you like them?

Worth one point each for sports you play, as well as sports you watch on TV:

  • American football
  • Soccer
  • Women’s basketball
  • Tennis
  • Golf
  • Rugby
  • Hockey
  • Cheerleading
  • Baseball/softball
  • MMA/boxing/street fighting

Clothing: What’s in your closet?

Worth one point for each item that falls into one of the following categories:

  • Button-up shirts.
  • Polo shirts.
  • “Wifebeater” tank tops.
  • Band t-shirts.
  • Flannel or plaid.
  • Frumpy sweatshirts.
  • Basketball shorts.
  • Any clothing with pictures of cats on it.
  • Any clothing with half-naked women on it.
  • Boxer shorts, or boxer briefs.
  • Crazy-colored socks.

Food: What do your eating habits say about your sexuality?

  • You like hummus: One point.
  • You are a vegetarian: Five points. (Two points if you eat fish, but no red meat.)
  • Whipped cream, in sexual situations: Ten points.
  • You only eat organic: Two points.
  • You prefer to eat pussy: Definitely gay. 100 points.

Identity: Do you think you’re gay?

  • One point if you identify as a lesbian or bisexual woman.
  • One point if others identify you as a lesbian or bisexual woman.
  • Ten points if no one was surprised at all when you came out of the closet.

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12 Truths For The Woman Who Sucks At Expressing Herself

I’m really bad at expressing my feelings, at least out loud. It’s not that I’m heartless – even though I try to present myself that way sometimes – it’s just that I suck with words.

(Funny to hear, coming from a writer, but it’s true. Out-loud words are much harder for me than on-paper or on-screen words.)

Most of the time, I handle this by just pretending I feel nothing. If I don’t admit my feelings, they’ll go away – right?


The truth is, we have a need to express our emotions, so for those of us who have a hard time with it, things can get really complicated, really fast. Sometimes they get downright impossible – especially once things start to pile up.

Those who don’t have difficulty expressing their emotions are likely to say, “Just talk about it – it can’t be that hard!” But they fail to realize that it’s a completely different world for some of us.

1. We find ourselves unable to cry when it’s appropriate.

I was raised in a household that treated crying as a shameful act. In my whole 25 years, I have seen my father cry a grand total of twice, and he refused to talk about it, either time. This same man taught me that crying should be done in the privacy of my bedroom – that it was unfair of me to burden someone else with my emotions simply because I couldn’t handle them on my own.

This led to an adult who is unable to cry at funerals, or when hearing bad news, or during a breakup. I can, however, cry during happy TV shows (grr) or two weeks after the funeral. You know, right about the time the metaphorical dam breaks from too much water pressure behind it.

2. The ones closest to us probably know what our “I should be crying right now” face looks like.

I’m told that my eyes lose their green when I’m sad, and instead they’re a dull, dusty grey. Whether that’s true or not I have no idea – looking in the mirror is the last thing I want to do when I’m sad. Most people have really ugly crying faces – if I’m already sad, why would I want to see myself with an ugly, dumb look on my face?

For those of us who are bad at expressing our emotions, the thing that “breaks the dam” could just be someone close to us telling us that they know we need to cry. Sometimes, this is a good thing, but it probably makes us mad at the time – especially if we’ve been conditioned to think that crying in front of someone is inappropriate.

3. Distracting yourself from your feelings is easier than it should be.

Those of us who are bad at expressing our emotions have often found ways to repress them much easier than “normal” people do. This isn’t really a good thing, though, no matter what we might have been taught. Essentially, this is practice in lying (and the only type of lying I’m good at).

For most of us, we are this way because we started learning at a younger age. Whether there was a person in your life who taught you that holding your feelings back was the right thing to do, or whether the anxiety around your emotions came out of nowhere, it can be hard to break the habit.

4. You’re a bad gift-receiver.

If you’ve been conditioned to hold your emotions back, you’re probably bad at getting gifts. The gifts you love and the gifts you hate often get the same reaction out of you, which makes it really hard for others to tell what you actually like. Since you’re secretly over-sensitive in disguise, you know how hard it is to hear “bad news” – so you do your best to soften the blow of everything, even the good things.

As much as we want to repress our negative emotions, it often carries over into our positive emotions, too. This makes us a pain to be around, because – other than the ones who are closest to us – it’s hard to tell what we’re thinking. If you have people in your life who are patient enough to deal with your issues expressing yourself, be sure you thank them from time to time.

5. After a while, most people stop asking how you’re doing.

You teach them that you’re just going to say you’re fine – whether you are or not. Just won the lottery? Stone-cold poker face. Just watched your dog get hit by a car? Same face. This sucks, because once people stop asking, your ideas that no one wants to see your emotions are “confirmed” even more – even though these people only stopped asking because they knew you wouldn’t tell the truth, anyway.

I’ve got a few people in my life who still ask how I’m doing – and for the most part, they insist on asking straight to my face. Like I said – apparently my eyes give it away. And I can’t thank them enough for taking the time to do this – I know it sucks for them, too.

6. You’re bad at comforting others.

I often come across as super insensitive. I have a really hard time being noticeably supportive to people, because feelings are awkward and uncomfortable – even when they’re not our own. While we usually mean well, we don’t always deliver.

People learn not to rely on us for emotional support. They might know that our heart is with them, even if we’re bad at showing it, but they don’t expect us to lift them up, because time and time again, we show them that we can’t. Then we get frustrated because they think we don’t care, when really, we care so much it physically hurts us. We just don’t allow ourselves to show it.

7. “Resting bitch face” is a serious problem.

The look we have on our face 90% of the time is not particularly friendly looking. We’re deep in thought, but our face says we hate everyone. This is a real problem for us, and in some ways, it’s our own fault. (Although most people don’t make a conscious decision to repress their emotions without someone important to us suggesting it, either subliminally or outright.)

We tend to look mean, because we’re trying so hard to not care. But we do care. A lot, actually. So we hide that, put on our best poker face, and try to look happy – the only problem is that we don’t know how to look happy, and if we do, it seems fake to us. (I used to have this really stupid smile when I was a kid, and after several years of hearing that it looked stupid, I think part of me forgot how to smile.)

8. You spend your time hoping someone will see through your lies and your lines.

We’ve got rehearsed answers to all the serious questions, and we use those scripted lines religiously. But what we want more than anything is for someone to read between the lines and hear the things we can’t say. This type of thinking is doomed from the start, because no one (or next to no one?) can read minds. We’re setting ourselves up to be misunderstood.

We take advantage of the fact that some people can see through it, and we assume that everyone will be able to. But they can’t, and it’s not their fault. It takes a very intimate knowledge of someone to understand when their words and their feelings don’t align, and we destroy their power to do so by making it every single time.

9. Drinking is a bad idea.

Most of us with emotion-repression problems tend to avoid drinking, because it can make all the difference between “everything is fine” and “nothing is OK, please hold me”. As people who don’t like showing our emotions, we hate falling into the second category, but alcohol tends to bring it out, every time.

I’ve had exes who I absolutely could not drink with. I didn’t trust them with my sensitive side, because they were all too happy when I held my feelings back. They might have even contributed to my emotional secrecy, whether intentionally or not – and almost without fail, these women felt incredibly offended that I wouldn’t let them see me drunk.

Hello, how can I drink with you if you’re going to shame me for my feelings? These feelings that can’t be held back anymore as soon as we start to feel a little fuzzy… It’s hard for us in the first place, and when we’re at a particularly vulnerable point (aka drunk) it’s even worse. We’re emotional because we’re emotional. It’s a vicious cycle.

10. Everything somehow turns into anger.

This is because it makes us so mad when we can’t hold back our emotions, and it seems like turning it into anger is easier than letting it be sadness or happiness or whatever it really is. This just makes us seem even meaner than people already think we are – especially when the wrong person usually catches the anger.

It’s pretty important that we remember to thank the people who put up with our outbursts, especially if they put up with our shut-downs most of the time, too. As hard as it is for us, it’s even harder on them, because we won’t let them see the reasons behind things.

11. We talk about a lot of nothing.

This is because it’s easier to talk about nothing than it is to talk about something. So we talk about the things that don’t matter, the things that don’t make a difference to anything – because at least we don’t have to share emotion. We’re more likely to share memes than to share our feelings – even if a little bit of feeling is hidden inside the things we repost.

This is, of course, a coping mechanism. Just because we’re bad at expressing ourselves doesn’t mean we want to be alone. If we talk about things that have nothing to do with us, hey – at least it counts as socializing, right?

12. It’s probably anxiety – and there are ways to treat it.

If you’ve been struggling for years to find a way to express your emotions, there’s a good chance that it’s not a conscious decision (no matter how much you want to tell yourself it is). Chances are, you have at least a mild anxiety disorder, and there are things that can help fix it – but only if you’re ready to fix it.

Many people jump to medications as the first option, but for most people, medication is neither required or advised. Our society has a tendency to treat all conditions as a means to benefit the pharmaceutical industry. But for some people, natural remedies or alternative medicine might be a better option.

I like to color to keep my anxiety at a minimum. It won’t help me open up, but it can help to relieve some of the pain of bottling things up. On days when my anxiety is really bad, there’s something beneficial about coloring really hard on the paper. Other days, I write my emotions out in a journal. While it’s not healthy to rely solely on some paper to get your emotions out into the world, it’s better than keeping them bottled up.

For others, meditation may be a good choice – although exactly what that means is bound to vary, from person to person. Not everyone can handle the idea of chanting ohm mantras and deep breathing. If possible, you should try seeking a professional opinion – but don’t hesitate to get a second opinion if your doctor wants to prescribe harsh meds right away. You are allowed to take your mental health into your own hands, and it’s actually a really good idea. Just make sure you’re being fair to yourself and those around you.

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How to Talk To A Homosexual: A Guide For Straight People

If you have gay friends, and you’re not gay yourself, there’s bound to be a little miscommunication while you adjust to the situation. It’s a whole new dynamic if you’ve never had a gay friend before – but it’s not so hard to get used to.

Wondering what you should do to avoid your new friend hating your guts?

Well, it’s really pretty simple: Treat us like humans. For a more specific tutorial, check the following list.

Don’t run away screaming when they come out to you.

It should be pretty self-explanatory, but some people have a hard time with it. Just don’t do it. It’s rude.

If you really feel the need to run away, do so slowly.

And if you care about them at all, give them the courtesy of being discrete. Coming out on someone else’s behalf? Also rude.

Don’t assume that they’re attracted to you.

Just like most straight people are not attracted to everyone of the opposite sex, most gay people are not attracted to everyone of the same sex.

Don’t assume they’re not attracted to you.

Hey – maybe they do think you’re cute. But that generally doesn’t mean they’re going to force themselves on you. We do have self-control.

Don’t assume you’re not attracted to them, either.

Sometimes, your desires might surprise you. It’s ok. We won’t judge you for it.

Don’t expect them to think you’re a novelty.

Even though you might have never met a gay person before, they’ve probably met straight people before. They probably don’t want to know every detail about your “lifestyle”.

Don’t treat them like a novelty, either.

They probably don’t want to answer a million questions about being gay. Most don’t mind answering one or two – but if they wanted to answer a million questions, they’d be writing an advice column on a gay website. (Yes, this means you can ask me whatever you’d like! But please be respectful.)

Please, don’t make it painfully awkward.

This includes repeatedly bringing up your opposite-sex significant other so that they know you are 100% definitely not gay. (BTW, this makes you seem way more gay.)

“Why are you gay?” counts as an awkward question.

Other questions to avoid: “Are you sure?” “Have you always been gay?” “How long have you been gay?” “What made you gay?” “Do you like being gay?” “But how do you know if you’ve never been with the opposite sex?” or the dreaded “Do you know [fellow homosexual’s name]?” (We do not have some telepathic link with one another – although that would make dating a hell of a lot easier.)

Don’t expect their gay-ness to just not come up.

If they’re out of the closet, they’re not going to get back in the closet just to make you more comfortable. Asking them to would be incredibly rude.

No, it’s not “a sex thing” (for most of us).

And if it is, that’s none of your business. The only people who are entitled to know about our sex lives are those we choose to share them with. (Again – if they wanted to be on display, they’d be on display.)

Your kids are not in danger.

Well, if they’re really cute, we might file for visitation. (Wink wink.)

Your honor is not in danger.

The vast majority of gay people have no interest in pursuing, dating, or sleeping with a straight person. Don’t worry.

Your marriage is not in danger.

No one is trying to steal your husband or wife. If gay marriage threatens your “traditional” marriage, that means one of you is gay. No exceptions.

28 Things Even Lesbians Don’t Know About Lesbians

Lesbians are weird. There’s no way around that. While we like to perpetuate the idea that “we know what women want”, the fact of the matter is that most of us don’t even know what we want – let alone what our partner wants. We have no clue about other lesbians, no matter how much we want to believe that we do.

Here is our list of the top 28 things that even lesbians don’t understand about lesbians.

1. Why do our exes suddenly get hot after we break up?

Of course, this doesn’t happen every time… But there’s at least one that got irresistible like 0.3 seconds after you dumped her – right about the time she meets the love of her life, of course.

2. Why do lesbians play with our heads and then tell us they’re taken?

Seriously, like you couldn’t say you have a girlfriend before we walk you to your car?

3. How much attitude is too much?

A little sass is great, but too much sass is annoying. Where does that line lie, and is it in the same place for both of you?

4. Why are most lesbians poor?

Why is it so freakin’ hard for us to find our success? (If you’re not poor, please, tell me your secrets!)

5. What’s up with the lack of sex once you live together?

Is this a real thing, or does it just seem like you’re having sex less?

6. Why do we call that one woman we only went on one date with, our “ex”?

It’s as if she meant as much to us as the woman we were with for 7 years. We need different words to denote the different types of relationships – and a different word to use for that girl we “talked to” for six months without ever actually dating. Sigh.

7. Why are lesbian dating profiles always so misleading?

Why is it so hard to just tell the truth? “Single, loyal, financially secure lesbian seeking same. Willing to settle for a nice body and a sexy voice. Must love cats.”

8. How many women in any given Women’s Studies class are secretly just trying to find a girlfriend?

Who’s just going to women’s studies to study women?

9. Why does the Women’s Music Festival not actually focus on music?

I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with focusing on women, but…

10. How come the more women there are in the area, the less likely you’ll hook up with someone?

Seriously. If it’s just you and one other woman, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to hook up (assuming you are both single and interested in women). But put 30 single lesbians in the same room, and suddenly all of us lose our game.

11. Why do our exes turn into better dancers after we break up?

It never fails. Baby giraffe when you’re dating – Paula Abdul three months later.

12. Why can’t we have a cut-and-dry break-up with another woman?

Why do we do the on-again, off-again, are-we-together-or-not thing so often? It’s so annoying!

13. Why do dental dams have such an ugly name?

It’s time someone came up with a new name for them. I propose “v-gloves”.

14. Why do we tell our current girlfriend how our ex was in bed?

It’s never a good idea – but it always ends up happening. If you think about it, how many total strangers know about your skills? (And do they know more than you?!)

15. Is it ever a good idea to call your ex at 3 A.M.?

I mean, it always sounds like a good idea, but has anyone ever had a good experience – or is it always full of bad decisions and regret?

16. Why are there so many (bad) liars in our community?

Why does everyone have an ex who took their side chick to the go-to lesbian hang-out? (I had one girl dating a coworker at the home improvement store… One girl who took her side chick to the water park my side chick worked out… OK, so I’ve contributed to this one before, but I was in high school!)

17. When will we stop offering to “stay (awkward) friends” after a break-up?

If we stay friends after we break up, it’s going to end one of two ways. A) We hate each other the whole time, and secretly try to sabotage each other. Or, B) We get back together and start back at square one. We know these are the only two options, but we still offer. Why?!

18. Why do we always fight worse on vacation?

Whether we go on vacation together (and fight super publicly and embarrass ourselves) or we go on vacation separately (and bicker over text messages the whole time), lesbians seem to be so much happier when we stay home. Sigh.

19. How come nobody wants us until we already have a girlfriend?

And then right around the time we fall madly in love with the girl we thought we were “settling for” (aka month two), all these sexy beasts start coming out of the woodwork. Grr!

20. How come straight girls who “dress gay” look gayer than I do?

Is that gaydar, or is it “please-be-gaydar”?

21. Or do I finally “look gay” now that straight women wear flannel and snapbacks too?

Aren’t “straight-acting” and “gay-acting” just about the same thing?

22. If one of us (in a relationship) asks for house keys, and the other one says “hell no” – who’s in the wrong?

And how often do a clinger and a commitment-phobe end up together?

23. Who gets to hog the remote?

And who has to make the after-sex sandwiches?

24. Why do we check in with our exes when we know they’re going to want to talk for hours about what’s new?

Why did we ever think we could be friends with the woman who cheated on us with her “best friend”, anyway – and why do we pretend we want to know how their relationship is holding up six months later?

25. Why do we hang onto the clothes our exes give us?

I challenge you to not find a snagged hoodie in your closet.

26. And why is it so weird when we see her wearing something we gave her when she’s with her new lady?

Is it really about the clothes, or is it the curiosity of what her new girlfriend is like in bed?

27. If a woman tells you she’s in an open relationship, what are the chances that her partner knows they’re in an open relationship?

And how many of them mean “boyfriend” or “husband” when they say “partner”?

28. Why do the fur babies always know when you’re about to get lucky?

My puppy cries. My old dog used to hide in the closet. And the cats always push their toys under the door. Seriously?!

What are some lesbian mysteries you wish there was an answer for? Tell us in the comments!

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This Couple Were Told They ‘Need A Man’ By Restaurant Chef On Valentine’s Date

Couple Ellie Parker and Lucy Stenger, say that a rude chef ruined their Valentine’s date by telling them they “need a man” to “heat things up”.

The couple of Lafayette, Indiana, had planned a romantic meal out on Sunday to mark Valentine’s Day.

They decided to visit Japanese steakhouse Asahi – but were greeted by a chef who initially failed to understand how lesbians work.

Ms Parker spoke out on Facebook, saying


Our chef came to grill our food for us and was asking everyone if the person with them was their boyfriend or husband. He got to my girlfriend and I and asked where our Valentines were.

We told him we were each other’s Valentines. We were holding hands mind you. Clearly a couple.

He proceeds to say ‘well it is legal, but it’s such a waste to not have a man’.

Later he continues to insult our relationship by saying he could come home with us to ‘heat things up’.

I am appalled that I would receive this kind of treatment. I cannot believe I paid over $50 to have my relationship insulted and sexualized.”

She posted a picture of the pair’s receipt on social media, with their message:

Don’t tell lesbians they need a man on Valentine’s Day”.

After the post went viral, Ms Parker added:

Thank you all for the support! The restaurant did refund our money, but nothing can make up for the way we were treated. I hope sharing this helps others avoid this situation in the future.”

However, the restaurant denied the allegations – telling Mic that they had “no idea” about the claims before hanging up.

Top 10 Songs To Listen To Before Coming Out

When we think of big coming out stories, we tend to think of gay men in highly religious or traditional homes, or transgender individuals in any home situation. The truth is, as lesbians, we have our own set of risks with coming out – and they will be different from person to person.

Generally, it’s best to have a plan when you’re ready to come out. If you’ve already formed a type of script in your head, complete with some possible questions from the people you’re coming out to, it helps to make sure things go smoother. (Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who obsessively color codes and plans everything – so if you’re more of the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type person, you might not agree with me.)

Maybe one of the most important parts of any planning process is the ability to put yourself into the right frame of mind. For me, that’s easy enough: Just a little bit of music can go a long way! When I’m working, I like a playlist of orchestral covers of pop songs. (Hey, it works for me.) When I’m out for a cruise, I prefer to listen to something peppy – otherwise I’m likely to fall asleep in the car.

Coming out is no different. While I didn’t really have a mantra, a plan, or anything when I came out, I would have killed for a few pointers from the artists on this list. We’ve compiled 10 songs to help get you pumped for coming out. Can you think of any more we missed? Throw them in the comments!

“Aftermath” by Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert rose to fame a few years ago, and is a rare example of someone who was openly gay before becoming famous. He has kept himself in our hearts and lives by delivering powerful vocals that we can all relate to. Whether you like his style or not, you can’t deny that he has made himself an icon in the gay community.

While “Aftermath” is not specifically a gay song, it is refreshing and peppy, and those of us struggling to find the words to come out will definitely find themselves in this song. Adam reminds us that we’re not alone, and that things will eventually be OK. Use this little gem to keep you pumped about any big events in your life!

“Freedom” by Wham!

George Michael has long been one of the most influential and popular gay artists, and his voice in this song is breathy and energetic. (I think one of our lovely lesbian singers should cover it too – what do you say?) This song isn’t about coming out, specifically (it’s actually about two lovers who can’t be together) but the lyrics can resonate with someone who needs to come out, too:

“I think there’s something you should know / I think it’s time I told you so / There’s something deep inside of me / There’s someone else that I should be”

Sound a little familiar? If it does, feel free to get pumped up with this 80s pop tune. (Just don’t get mad at me if it gets stuck in your head after!)

“Proud” by Heather Small

Heather Small is the first female artist on our list, and her voice alone is empowering and magical. This song was even performed at the 2012 Olympics, and it stands as an anthem for the days you need to impress yourself. Sometimes, that pride can come from simply being true to yourself.

Of course, this song wasn’t meant to be a coming out song, either, but just a quick listen to the lyrics will surely give you the confidence to make the difficult choices. “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” – my new mantra!

“I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross

If you thought we were going to leave the legendary Diana Ross off our list, you are dead wrong. This song has been an accidental anthem of the gay community since the 70s, and it still has yet to lose its power and charm. “There’s a new me coming out, and I just have to live” – couldn’t have said it better!

If you’re one of the few people who hasn’t heard this song yet, it’s an incredibly campy and relatable song that really helps to embody every time in your life you need confidence and a little pick-me-up. It’s not often you find a single power anthem that really gets everyone fired up, but if you’re looking for that song… This is that song.

“Glad to Be Gay” by Tom Robinson Band

This song comes from an earlier time – the 70s, where being openly gay was still largely a criminal act. This song documents the things that (most of us) have been able to overcome since then. But the truth is, some of the things that Tom Robinson sings about are still a reality today in many parts of the world.

“Glad to Be Gay” begs the listener to sing along if they’re glad to be gay, even though they face the risk of persecution and sometimes even violence. The song has stood as a pioneer in the LGBT+ rights movement, and to this day it holds a lot of power to shape your mentality about your own responsibilities in the gay community – are you doing your part to help others?

“Take Your Mama” by Scissor Sisters

Another song that details the struggles of the gay man, this one resounds with some of the lesbian audience as well. This song tells of a young gay man coming out to his mother – and is the only song on our list that is specifically about coming out.

This song actually gives some pretty good coming out advice, too, disguised in the form of a catchy tune. Lead singer Jake Shears advises listeners to “take your mama out all night” and show her what it’s really about. By sharing it as a form of connection, it might help your mother to understand that you’re just “trying to do the best [you] can”.

“I Am What I Am” by Gloria Gaynor

Gloria Gaynor is another huge artist who has sort of been absorbed by the gay community. Songs like “I Will Survive” help to fuel the fire inside after a rough breakup, while “I Am What I Am” chooses instead to tell you just how perfect you already are – and if someone can’t accept that, that’s their loss.

…Okay, technically, Gloria Gaynor wasn’t the original artist for this song, but given her position as a gay icon, we felt that her version would best represent our struggles. Plus, just listen to that voice – “Life’s not worth a damn ‘till you can say, I am what I am!” This song details the importance of being your own biggest fan. “I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity.” This is something we should all try to strive for in our lives – let’s just exist as we are and stop trying to change ourselves, OK?


“Same Thing in Reverse” by Boy George

Boy George is another gay icon who helps to put into words that we’ve all thought at least once or twice. “Same Thing in Reverse” tells the million questions that might be asked when you come out, and helps you with a very simple answer: “It’s the same thing in reverse!”

What does he mean by this, exactly? Well, as he explains it, the only difference between gay and straight is the gender of the partner. Hardly something to make a big deal about, right? We think so, too.

“True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper

While Cyndi Lauper is not gay, this song was actually penned about a lesbian: Cyndi’s sister. This song is told from the point of view of the person who loves the one coming out. This can be particularly powerful if you don’t actually have that person in your life. Cyndi has taken a step up to be that person for you. How awesome is that?

Cyndi Lauper has long been an icon in the gay community, largely because of this song, and it’s not hard to see why. She has a powerful voice that reminds you that your true colors are beautiful – so let them show.

“Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera

I have had the hugest crush on Christina Aguilera for literally as long as I can remember, and when the song “Beautiful” hit the radio, it was just the powerful message I needed to hear. I have always struggled with accepting myself when others didn’t accept me, and “Beautiful” reminds us that it really doesn’t matter what anyone else says – it’s your opinion that matters.

As I grew up a little more, I started to embody this message a bit more, and I think it’s so important that you do, too. If it’s really not safe for you to come out, there is no rush – as long as you are happy with who you are, f*ck all the haters, you are beautiful!

11 Reasons My 30s Will Actually Be Better Than My 20s

This year, I’ll be turning 26. That’s not really one of the “typical” important birthdays, but for me, it’s huge. I’m officially closer to 30 than I am to 20, and in some ways that scares me. I think, “I’ve got all this anxiety now, and your 20s are supposed to be a time for finding yourself…”

It’s not that I have a problem with aging, though. I just thought I’d be further along in life than I am.

Sure, I have a job that I love, a partner I adore, and a car that effectively gets the job done. But what else have I done for myself? I’m living at my parents’ place (again), after I dropped out of college and became allergic to my “day job”. That’s not exactly a source of pride for me.

But I have faith that my 30s are going to be the start of something better – and here’s why:

I will be more confident in myself.

Since your 20s are a time to find out who you really are, it makes sense that you don’t actually know until you’re past your 20s. Right? Therefore, in my 30s, I will have successfully sorted out who I’m not and I’ll be able to focus on the best “me” I can be.

(But there’s nothing really saying I have to wait until I’m 30 to start loving who I am. Maybe 25 was the magic number for me – I’m already feeling more confident than I ever have in the past.)

I will be able to afford the good alcohol – and not just for special occasions.

I’m not much of a drinker anyway, but a lot of that is probably because I can’t usually afford the good stuff. Good booze is expensive, and cheap booze is terrible. In my 30s, I’ll be able to drink the good stuff when I want it, and I’ll be better versed in how to enjoy it without making an ass of myself.

(Note to self: Rum makes me cry. It’s time to stop pretending it doesn’t.)

I probably won’t get carded anymore.

One of the most frustrating things I experienced after losing a bunch of weight was that people seriously didn’t believe I was the same person as on my ID. That should have been a compliment, but when my local liquor store started quizzing me on my ID… That wasn’t so fun. Miraculously, I still have no idea what my ID number is – despite having it for ten years.

(As an added bonus, if I do get carded after I turn 30, it’s pretty much a good thing. Here’s to hoping I still look 20 when I’m in my 30s – but maybe I should update my ID picture before then…)

I’ll be at my “sexual peak”, statistically speaking.

Apparently, women hit their sexual peak in their thirties. This means that I’ll be better in bed, I think, and that my partner might also be better in bed. Stuff’s pretty great already so I’m excited to see how this pans out!

(Also, apparently men hit their peak at around 18, so I guess I picked the right time to experiment with men, right?)

My “to do by age 30” list will disappear.

Of course, the goal is to have completed it by then… But let’s face it. These lists of achievements often serve to make us disappointed with ourselves. There is no real reason why you need to be successful by a certain age – there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, just as there’s nothing wrong with getting things done early.

(Still hoping to write for a print publication by then – keep your fingers crossed for me!)

I’m going to feel young again.

I’ve often said that I wasn’t going to age after 25 – I’ll just stay here forever. After all, what can you really do after that? At 25, you’re legal age to drink, pretty much everywhere. I’ve been able to buy cigarettes for years. I could even rent a car (well, if I had a driver’s license, I could). What’s next? 55 I get a senior discount… But I’m not even halfway there yet!

(Maybe I’ll just go up to 30, and then stay there until 40.)

I’m going to focus on “doing me”.

I couldn’t care less if I don’t have Saturday plans – having the freedom to color and listen to music and watch Netflix offers its own rewards. Who cares what other people think? If they want to see me, they can come over.

(OK, so I’ve actually been in this place for years… But after age 30, it becomes socially acceptable again.)

I’ve found my dream job already – so it’s time to build.

If you’ve found a career you love, before your thirties, you’re already ahead – whether it feels like it or not. Remember, your 20s are a time for self-discovery and self-expression. It’s not a race to get through them, so all you late bloomers still have time. But if you’ve found something you love, that pays decent money, you’re already successful – even if you still have room to grow.

(If you haven’t found your place yet, I highly recommend freelancing – it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.)

I won’t have to pretend to care about clothes anymore.

For years and years now, I’ve thought that the “high fashion” clothing looked really stupid and impractical. But in your 20s, especially as a feminine-presenting woman, there’s a certain assumption that you’ll be fashionable. In my 30s, I don’t have to pretend to care if I look good. I really couldn’t care less – if I’m comfortable and my bum is covered, I look fine.

(Also, if everyone could just stop caring what other people wore in general, that would be great.)

I won’t have to pretend to care about people.

Don’t get me wrong – I love people. Well, some people. OK – I care about people who care about me. Once I turn 30, I’m no longer going to worry about all those people who do nothing for me. Just want to call me when you need something? Nope – ignore.

(Remember, letting someone stay in your life when they offer no benefit is really just allowing them to take advantage of you.)

I will know what I want.

That means no more dealing with negative people, negative outcomes, or dead-end relationships. This applies to family, friends, and even lovers – if you’re not ready to grow with me, stay out of my way.

(And that’s all I could ever hope for.)

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9 Realizations You’ll Have After Coming Out

The choice to come out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual is a huge undertaking that not everyone decides to pursue.

I’m sure there are at least a million reasons why you should or shouldn’t, but as someone who decided to come out, I feel it’s our responsibility to reassure those who haven’t yet that they are in good company.

Of course, it’s never a good idea to pressure someone else to come out if they’re not ready, and particularly “outing” someone else is bad.

However, if you have yet to come out and you’re wondering what you can look forward to, I have compiled a list of some of the possibilities.

INot all of these will hold true for everyone, and many women may have realizations that aren’t on this list. Please feel free to add in your own realizations in the comments if you notice something I’ve missed.

1. Not everyone cares that you’re gay.

Often, when someone is afraid of coming out, they’re worried that the world will not accept them as they are. They think that it’s better if they keep it hidden. But acceptance of the gay community is becoming more commonplace – even if it seems like it’s not. Negativity is louder than positivity, and many of our allies are silenced – but that doesn’t mean they’re not out there.


2. Your family will learn to adjust.

This definitely doesn’t hold true for everyone, unfortunately. Some family members may never come around to being supportive of you. But it has been my experience, and the experience of many of the lesbians I interact with on a daily basis, that their family came to terms with their sexuality after some time. Sometimes, the harsh reactions come from a place of shock, rather than of complete disapproval.


3. You feel a new freedom.

There is no “one time” to come out of the closet, so each chance you become more open about your sexuality, you gain a little bit more freedom. This makes it wonderfully comforting to take it in smaller steps (which is generally advised to build up the confidence with your confession). You can start with someone you’re comfortable telling, and work your way up from there.

4. You accept yourself more.

This is up for debate as to whether it’s the cause or the effect of coming out. Generally speaking, when someone comes out, they are more accepting of themselves as an “imperfect” creature – because we realize that some of our “flaws” truly aren’t flaws at all. When we come out, we are basically saying “I am gay/bi/etc., and there is nothing wrong with that.”


5. You may face rude remarks.

Even those in a state of complete peace about their sexual orientation can be subject to harassment by others. Whether it’s a matter of someone asking personal questions about your sex life (rude), yelling slurs when you kiss your girlfriend in public (rude), or even outright discrimination (beyond rude), chances are you will hear it from somewhere. Even if there’s nothing directly aimed at you, you don’t have to go far to find it. Keep in mind realization #1 though: negativity is louder than positivity.


6. Your dating options open up.

There are some women out there who completely refuse to date a woman who’s in the closet. It might seem unfair, but if we think about it, it does make some sense. It’s really hard to be with someone when you’re treated like a dirty secret. When you allow yourself to be out of the closet, at least to some extent, more women will be inclined to give you a chance, because they’re comforted that you’re not just “curious” and wanting to use them as an experiment.


7. There are a lot of gay icons out there.

It’s really only been recently that we’ve noticed a large amount of gay and lesbian role models – but it seems nowadays that they’re coming out of the woodwork. Some may argue that some of these people are “coming out” for the publicity, in general, it’s not damaging to our community if that is the case.

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8. The gay community is actually really, really big.

Before we come out, it can seem like we’re completely alone, that no one understands what we’ve been through and what we feel. After we come out, we start to notice more people around us who are gay. Whether it’s because we purposely seek out others who have also come out or if we just notice the ones that were already there is up in the air, but the fact is, we notice how big our community really is – and that’s magical, especially for those whose “coming out” experiences were less than happy.


9. You want to encourage others to come out.

This is another one that might not be true for everyone, but most of the lesbians I know are strong advocates of other people coming out of the closet. Some of it is wishful thinking (p.s. Zooey Deschanel, I’m still waiting for you to come out, wink wink) and some of it is a place of true encouragement. Once we know the freedoms that come from being true to ourselves, we can’t help but want to liberate others.


What do you think, readers? Is there anything I missed, or anything that you don’t think adequately represents the gay community as a whole? I encourage you to share your opinions on this subject. After all, here at KitschMix, we seek to be inclusive, and your opinions are part of that inclusion.

Take care, and I hope I have encouraged you to move past your fears!

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14 Ways A Bois Night Out With Your Mates Solves All Of Your Problems

When life makes you feel a little bit crap, a night out at your favourite lesbian club with your gay pals is the obvious answers.

1. They give you a reason to get all dressed up.

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2. They give you a reason (but let’s face it, who really needs it) to drink.

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3. After all your dancing, you can enjoy some terrible junk food. With no judgment, which is the main thing.

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4. You get to dance all your troubles away. Booty shakin’ and twerkin’ makes you forget about reality.

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5. When drunk, or even sober, they give you the world’s best advice. Honestly, they tell you everything that you need to hear to feel better.

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6. DID SOMEONE SAY TEQUILA?! If you can’t fix a problem, why not make yourself forget about the problem?!

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7. If it’s woman trouble, there are multiple brains to help construct the best reply to an awkward text. You no longer have to sit in your pjs by yourself, analysing just exactly what she means by that.

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8. And if you’re single, you don’t have to care about hooking up with someone, because you’re all far too busy talking about how much you love each other anyway.

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9. Unlike in today’s cruel word, with your mates, you don’t have to impress anyone. They love you as you are…. d’awwww!

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11. No subject is off limits. Doesn’t matter what the problem is, they got’ ‘cho back.

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12. You can have a good old catch up- and maybe you’ll realise your problems are not worth crying over. When you have friends as amazing as these, your life is going pretty well!

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13. They’re willing to corrupt.

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14. They make you feel like a superstar.

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Coming To Terms With Your Sexuality

Coming to terms with your own sexuality is always a complicated and unique experience.

There are a lot of opinions out there. Some will tell you what you are feeling is just a phase. Some will tell you that you are just second guessing yourself, and to let that idea go. Others will try to get you to believe that what they are saying is the truth.

Ignore them. Ignore them all. No one can tell you how to feel, or who to love.

The only person who can uncover the truth is yourself.

If you are struggling to come to terms with the fact that you might be gay, know that you are not alone. Many struggle with these exact issues. And there is a way to deal with it.

You need to spend some time to re-evaluate yourself.

Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone, and think. This is key! You need to think. Think about who you are, what makes you you. Remember all of the positive things about you, and know that no matter what your sexuality is, it does not determine your self-worth.

Imagining yourself as both heterosexual and homosexual – ignore social norms and figure out which one feels more natural to you. When you imagine yourself kissing someone, is it always a woman? Do you find women attractive, and in more than just a physical way? Which gender makes your heart race and palms sweat more?

Homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, pansexual – they are all just labels used to describe types of love. Focus less on the labels and more on your feelings.

How you feel is more important than how other people might label you.

Coming to terms with your sexuality takes time. It won’t happen over night. You’ll go through some emotions, very similar to the Five Stages of Grief.

1. Denial – “No, I’m not gay. I can’t be.”

2. Anger – “Why is this happening to me?”

3. Bargaining – “Maybe if I experiment a little I’ll find out I’m not actually gay…”

4. Depression – “I can’t believe I might be gay”

… until finally you come to the most important stage:

5. Acceptance.

Accepting your sexuality (no matter what it is) is a profound experience. It’s this moment where your mind suddenly becomes crisp and clear.

You stop, and realise that, yes, this is your sexuality and that it isn’t that bad. When you accept your sexuality, you will feel this huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. Suddenly, everything falls into place. All your problems have a source and all your feelings have a reason. Suddenly, you can’t stop smiling.

Some people have always known that they were gay. It takes others a long time to come to terms with their own sexuality.

No pace is wrong, or too slow. You have to take your time and really feel confident in yourself.

No one can tell you what to be. If you’re gay, you’re gay! You cannot decide to be gay or straight. You can only decide how and when you will accept your sexuality.

And when, and if, you accept your sexuality, it will feel amazing.

Like everything in life, there are things you cannot change. You cannot change your sexuality. You can only change your reaction to it. If you choose to accept that you are gay (or straight, or bi, or whatever), it is a huge step in your growth as a person that needs to be celebrated.

It’s your right to love; no one has the right to tell you otherwise.

21 Back-Handed Compliments That No Lesbian Wants To Hear

Back-handed compliments are much like a sweet little hug followed by a kick in the shin.

I actually find them to be quite funny. My normal response is just to laugh them off, but in my head there is a whole different story going on.

1. “You look so much like Tina from the L word! I couldn’t stand her.”

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2. “You were so fun last night. You really don’t care what people think, do you?”

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3. “Oh she’s your girlfriend? WOW fair play to you, you’ve done well.”

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4. “I wish I could feel as good in baggy clothes as you do!”

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5. “Your dancing is so original!”


6. “Your shirt is just… so nice. If I wore that I would look like an absolute dyke.”

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7. “I’m just not curvy like you. I mean that as a compliment.”

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8. “She will definitely like you… she used to go out with this beast.”

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9. “I’d love to be as smart as you and care less about what I look like”

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10. “I cannot believeeeeee you’re working there. How the hell did you get that? Do you know someone who works there?”

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11. “[insert any lesbian character on TV] really reminds me of you.”

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12. “I did not expect you to do better than me in exams…congratulations!”

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13. “You’re moving abroad? With no job? God, I wish I had your guts! I’m just too much of a perfectionist”

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14. “Ohhhhhh, I didn’t know she had a girlfriend. She just seemed like the single type.”


15. “You are looking really well these days you are almost becoming a threat”

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16. “The way you do things just cracks me up.”

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17. “It must be so nice to not have to worry about how you look everyday.”

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18. “You might be able to fit into this.”

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19. “She’s your girlfriend. I thought she was sister. You look so a like.”


20. “Your hair looks way better (shorter, darker, longer, up, etc.).”

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21. “Wow you have a healthy appetite.”

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33 Unwanted Questions Lesbians Get Asked, Like All The F*cking Time

I’m a woman, who happens to date other women.

When I walk down the street, people stare when I hold another woman’s hand. They question how we know each other.

They say things to us that they would never consider saying to a straight couple.

We are singled out because we are different. It’s weird though, because we don’t feel different.

I don’t think of my self as being a lesbian couple. I see us as a couple.

People have their own idea of what a lesbian relationship looks like, and if someone doesn’t fit that bill, then it’s really hard for people to understand.

And not understanding, apparently, opens the door for a line of questioning.

1. How do you… you know… do it?


2. Are you sure you’re a lesbian?

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3. Which one of you is “the boy”?


4. What is scissoring?


5. Is it weird to have friends who are girls? Are you ever attracted to your friends who are girls? How do they feel about it?


6. But… you’re so pretty! You wear dresses. I don’t get it?!

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7. How do you know you’re actually a lesbian? Like, are you sure?


8. But… you… but you… dated guys?


9. Do you fear what God will think?


10. My [insert friend, distant family member, or neighbour] is a lesbian, do you know her?


11. Is it because you hate men?


12. It must be so cool to have two closets and more makeup and shit?


13. Being with another women must be so much easier?


14. You’re attractive for a lesbian, aren’t you?


15. Don’t you miss real sex?


16. Do you hate straight people then?


17. I’ve always wanted to be a lesbian but I just don’t think I can give up sex with men, you know?


18. Did you choose to be a lesbian?


19. If you like girls who look like men…why don’t you date men?


20. Do you guys just use toys?


21. So can I watch???


22. Is that you sister? Cos you really look like sisters


23. I bet you really like Ellen?


24. Are you sure this lesbian thing isn’t just a phase?


25. Is your life really like the L Word?


26. Have you always been a lesbian?


27. I’ve never been to a gay wedding, can I come to yours?


28. Why do all lesbian dress like boys?

29. Oh so that’s why we didn’t work out?


30. I always wanted to be a lesbian, but…


31. Are you sure you don’t want to be with a man again?


32. Will you use a sperm donor or use someone you know to get pregnant?


33. You’re a lesbian? What a waste


New Study Reveals Lesbians Drink More Than Straight Women

A new UK study has revealed that lesbians drink far more than straight women, even after having a hazardous relationship with alcohol.

Scientists used to theorise that LGB women would drink more than their straight counterparts because, well, being LGB apparently makes women sad, so they drink to feel better.

However, study conducted by Britain’s leading LGBT mental health charity, PACE found that 31.9 percent of straight women engaged in problematic drinking, as compared to 37.1 percent of lesbian and bisexual women, but almost have same levels of addiction.

So why is it that lesbians drink more than straight women?

Margaret Unwin, the CEO of PACE, said that their findings showed that factors like difficulties within families, anxiety about coming out and fear of actual negative responses when accessing services creates pressures, which leads to LGB women having problematic drinking patterns.

“Problematic drinking among lesbian and bisexual women is often associated with prevailing heterosexism, such as difficulties within families, anxiety about coming out and fear of or actual negative responses when accessing services…[they] can partly explain why LGB women may have problematic drinking patterns.”

If you ask us, the fact LGB women like drinking, could really be down to the fact that some of the only safe spaces for lesbian women to exist are bars and clubs in big towns. LGB women in rural areas drink less than LGB women living in cities.


As one interviewee in the RaRE Research Project (it stands for Risk and Resilience Explored), put it:

“British culture and attitude to alcohol [is unhelpful]. It’s encouraged. The media encourage it, it’s everywhere. It’s how we socialise. The gay scene is awful for it. There are pills everywhere. Women especially are heavy drinkers.”


The Complex Dynamics of Lesbian Friendships

Ah the dynamics of lesbian friendships. Lines get blurred and boundaries have no limits, but we wouldn’t do without our lesbian BFFs.

What you have to remember though, is friendships are among the most complex, but meaningful relationships in our lives. These unique bonds often run deeper than family ties, and sometimes last longer than our relationships with spouses or lovers.

Don’t Fancy Yours Much…

Now I don’t want to seem like I’m moaning (ok, who am I kidding), but I feel I must reiterate my point (*see previous blog* ‘You’ve Gotta Think She’s Hot, Right?‘). After yet another conversation with a friend, who told me I was SHALLOW because I apparently concentrate too much on outer beauty than what’s inside.

This all started after a date I’d recently been on, and me uttering the words “she was hot though”. The very words which sparked my ‘shallowness’ attack.

I mean in my defence, firstly, she was blonde. Blondes are never usually my ‘type’. So there’s one un-shallow point to me, surely? Right?

However, she was absolutely stunning. With the most beautiful eyes and gorgeous smile. She stepped out of her car that night and I nearly fell over. Seriously. I mean we’re talking everything I am relentlessly known for lusting after; the hair, make-up, heels, nails etc.

So we met up and actually she was a genuinely lovely girl, something I obviously only got to know when we went out! And I was slightly gutted when this ever so short but beautifully sweet dating experience came to a sudden end.

But life goes on. As do the brunettes.

Ok, so, I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that jazz. I’m not saying what one person doesn’t find attractive another person won’t either. I’m just saying, whatever your definition of ‘hot’ is, surely you’ve gotta be making sure you find that?

And I actually really feel the need to say it, that not one of us goes out on a Friday night, spots someone over the bar and thinks ‘damn, she looks like she’s got a lovely personality’.

Oh what utter pithering rubbish.

What’s actually circling your head is ‘DAMN, she’s hot!’. And that’s the point! It’s a very important starting block!!

She may well end up being one of the most selfish people you’ve ever met; and I’ve met a few! But you will find that out! What attracts you to them first and foremost is what they look like!!

I want partner who is kind, who is honest, intelligent, loving and respectful. Of course I do.

I also want them to be fucking gorgeous! Else, how am I meant to get into bed with someone I don’t fancy?! Unless I’m drunk. All the time. Trust me. This. Has. Happened.

And so in conclusion, by all means, you go all for personality, and I shall continue to be ‘shallow’. I hope it works out mighty fine for you! It probably will. You will probably be married before long and buy your house, and matching wellies and Regatta jackets… and get a cat… and over time you will merge…

…and that’s ok…

Don’t forget to turn the lights out.

The Proud ‘Rainbow Girls’ of South African

Proud Women of Africa is a collection of short visual stories that portrays the daily lives of remarkable women living or working in Africa. Part of this project is Rainbow Girls.

Photographed by Julia GuntherRainbow Girls documents the lesbian women of South Africa’s Gugulethu and Khayelitsha township. These powerful women are proud to be who they are despite the daily threats of violence, constant intimidation and the risk of being cast out by their own families.

Shot at the 2012 Miss Lesbian beauty competition in Khayelitsha Township, at the IAM Women’s Shelter and in private homes in Gugulethu Township.



11_sino_nana 12_nozuko 13_vee 14_sino 15_inga 09_visitor 10_spmumeze

07_groupshotSouth Africa lesbians continue to fight for the right to be who they are. They face atrocities including rape, beatings and expulsion. All because these women are living proudly as lesbians in South Africa.

If Lesbians Actually Acted Like Men…

Everyone has perceptions or preconceived ideas about what it means to be a lesbian. Many people think they can tell if someone is a lesbian by the way they look, dress, or behave.

So what if lesbian actually acted like men…

Typically, you can’t always spot a lesbian women by the way they act and dress. Gender roles do not determine sexual orientation, and distinguish from straight and more gender normative-individuals. There are some lesbians who dress in a very masculine way, and some who act in traditionally feminine ways. The big thing is they feel the freedom to explore a range of gender expression.

Remember: Not all lesbians are butch and tomboyish.  Just because someone is a lesbian, doesn’t mean she…

  1. Wears short hair, tattoos, body piercings, and army boots
  2. Drives a pick-up truck and wears a tool belt
  3. Is really into sports
  4. Wears plaid lumberjack shirts
  5. Only listens to music by KD Lang, The Indigo Girls, and Melissa Etheridge
  6. Wears leather and rides a motorbike

UK Supermarket Pulls Lesbian Magazine Diva From Its Stores

Diva magazine is now the only printed publication, which targets at lesbians and bi women, sold in the UK.

However, sadly due to a drop in sales the magazine will no longer be sold in ASDA supermarkets. The decision comes as part of a re-structure.

“We’re always making decisions based on what customers want to buy and as a result we have decided to de-list Diva magazine. We continue to sell other popular publications in this category including Attitude and Gay Times.”


DIVA was first published in March 1994 and remains the only monthly newsstand magazine for lesbians and bi women in the UK.


They Diva team released the following statement:

“We are very sorry to inform you that as of 21st February 2015, DIVA will no longer be stocked in ASDA superstores due to a reorganisation of store shelving and magazine display units. 

The change will see most of the women’s lifestyle magazine sector affected, with ASDA confirming a substantial reduction in many of its categories for women’s magazines in general. 

Despite us lodging an appeal that delisting the UK’s largest selling lesbian and bisexual publication limits consumer choice and alienates the LGBTQ community, DIVA will be delisted from 163 ASDA superstores nationwide. However, if you normally buy DIVA from ASDA superstores, you still have the opportunity to continue enjoying the magazine from other supermarkets. 

Tesco and Sainbury’s stock DIVA throughout the UK and will be selling the next issue – out on 26th February – at the specially reduced price of £3 in selected stores.”


Why Everyone Should Watch #Hashtag, a Hilarious Web Series About Modern Life

Let it be said that the digital age is an absolute blessing. Thanks to the Internet people have found work, people have access to incredibly important information, people have found fame and with apps and sites like OkCupid and Tinder you no longer have to guess someone’s sexuality and if you stand a chance, making that famous scene from The L Word a true relic from the past.

But the Internet poses plenty of problems too. What happens when your online relationships get complicated and spill out into real life? What happens when you learn something you shouldn’t (or something you really didn’t want to know) because someone likes to overshare on social media?

These are the very questions that #Hashtag, a queer web series from tellofilms, answers in hilarious, captivating style. Series two of #Hashtag premiered on Sunday the 18th of January following a popular debut last spring and we can confirm that it was very much worth the wait.

The new series opens with best friends Liv (Laura Zak) and Skylar (Caitlin Bergh) in a bit of a pickle. Liv is all loved up with Tash (Marnie Alton) and they’re adorable together (all of Liv’s Instagram followers think so) but is Liv really ready for the commitment? Meanwhile, Skylar definitely wasn’t ready to commit with ex-girlfriend Miriam (Amy Thompson) after a kiss with Rose sent their relationship skittering down the toilet. Skylar does have a burgeoning career on her hands though as her Vine videos (as #couchgirl) are beginning to take off.

But even as it all goes to pot, just like the characters in tellofilms’ other web series Rent Controlled, you really feel for Liv and Skylar and if you’re not dying to give them a hug, you’re laughing at their tragedy (e.g the scene in the first episode where Skylar cries dramatically in the bathtub) or relating to them immensely (e.g when Liv just wants to ditch all responsibility, eat snacks and watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix).

It makes for brilliant, captivating viewing and you’ll be dying to know what happens – whether the two will get their acts together or if you’ll have to watch them spiral for a little longer.

And even the supporting characters of Jo (Stefanie Sherk) who is Liv’s online friend and Emily (Remy Maelen) who has a boyfriend but is exploring the girl/girl scene thanks to their newly open relationship, provide great entertainment.

It’s very rare that you get a series where you genuinely care about all of the characters and storylines unfolding on screen but with #Hashtag series two you do actually end up rooting for everyone, which is a pleasant surprise.

The only downside to the show is that its nine episodes air weekly and come out every Sunday (the last episode of the season airs on March 15th) rather than being released all at once. However, the anticipation is most definitely worth it.


Visit the tellofilms website to watch #Hashtag now.

Butch Women Of San Francisco

Photographer Meg Allen celebrates “those who choose to exist and identify outside the gender binary” through a series of stunning portraits of Butch Women of San Francisco

“It is an homage to the bull-daggers and female husbands before me, and to the young studs, gender queers, and bois who continue to bloom into the present.”

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BUTCH is a documentary portrait project and exploration of the butch aesthetic, identity and presentation of female masculinity as it stands in 2013-14. It is a celebration of those who choose to exist and identify outside of the binary; who still get he’d and she’d differently throughout the day; who get called-out in bathrooms and eyed suspiciously at the airport; who have invented names for themselves as parents because “Mom” nor “Dad” feels quite right; and who will generally expect that stare from the gender police trying to figure out if they are “a boy or a girl”. It is an homage to the bull-daggers and female husbands before me, and to the young studs, gender queers, and bois who continue to bloom into the present.

How to Drop Hints You Are Gay Before You Come Out?

Dropping hints before you come out can help people prepare for the news. The idea being they’ll start suspecting and therefore will not react too badly.

Add a rainbow to your wardrobe. 

Be it a handmade bracelet, t-shirt, silk scarf – just make it rainbow! Then casually show it off to whoever you are dropping the hints to.

Point out pretty ladies.

Instead of talking about how ‘hot’ guys are, talk about how ‘hot’ ladies are.

Talk about The L Word.

Talk about your favourite characters and who is dating whom. In fact start discussing any lesbian TV character in an enthusiastic (not obsessively-creepy) way.

Discuss and then dismiss your use of birth control.

“Oh my gosh! All these girls going crazy over birth control. Well, except for me of course. I won’t need it now…”

Change your screen saver.

Yes, change your phone screen saver to a picture of a girl. Preferable not a close hetro-friend, let not cause further issues… Well unless you’ve started to see her, then promote away.