Tag Archives: Lesbian Lifestyle

What Happens When Your Girlfriend Wants Sex Less Than You Do

What do you do when there’s a significant difference between your sex drive and your partner’s?

I have a long history of sexually incompatible partners. Not necessarily that I didn’t want to be compatible with them – I definitely did! But there were always issues, such as my wanting sex more than they did, or them wanting sex more than I did – or them wanting sex more with someone else. (That one’s always painful.)

In my current relationship, our biggest disagreement – always – is that I can’t bring myself to want sex as often as she’d like to give it to me. All in all, this isn’t a bad problem to have, really, and it sure beats the problem I had with my ex (who only wanted to have sex about once a month… Well, with me at least).

Even worse is that it’s not even that I don’t want to have sex with her. She’s the best I’ve ever had, by far. I just have so much stress from everything going on in my life that it can be hard to unwind.

From my experience on both sides of the spectrum, I can provide some insight into the complicated situations that arise when your sex drive doesn’t really match up with your lover’s – and offer some tips that may help to fix the problem.

Be patient, Sexaholic.

Sometimes your partner won’t want to get down to business – and in some cases there’s really nothing you can do but wait. While sex is a wonderful stress reliever, that definitely doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be able to unwind enough to get into the mood. And, as I’m sure you probably know – sex when you’re not aroused can be incredibly painful.

Make sure to get her warmed up first.

This is probably my biggest tip, one that will get you the furthest – turn her on before you try to play! It should be self-explanatory, but sometimes when one partner is accidentally doing something that the other partner feels is “seductive”, it can create tension. This tension makes it even more difficult for the less-driven partner to get in the mood.

Try giving her a massage.

In addition to having an extremely calming effect (which can make it easier to arouse her), many women are actually aroused by receiving a massage in the first place. I know I can be – although occasionally, if I’m not in the mood, I just get ticklish. It’s a turn-on for some people, but not for me.

Try sexting.

I have a confession: Sexting is my guilty pleasure. Getting a well-crafted dirty text message when I’m not able to follow through with it is a tease – which is incredibly sexy to many women. Obviously, don’t get her in trouble if she’s working or if she shares a phone with a family member, because that can just cause more stress. Also, make sure you don’t start off too dirty – the goal is to tease her until she’s begging for it when she gets home.

Try spicing things up.

Fact: Every woman has some type of kink or fantasy. Some women may not be so inclined to share them with you, but there is definitely something that gets her juices flowing and her thoughts rolling into the gutter. The trick is to find this secret fantasy and exploit it for your sexual benefit.

Consider telling her “no” sometimes.

This sort of goes hand in hand with the sexting tip. You always want it more when you can’t have it, therefore it might be that all it takes to get her in the mood is to tell her she can’t have it every now and then.

Obviously if you shoot her down every time, she’ll eventually stop trying, but playing with the control of the tease can have a wonderful effect on the sex drive of both parties. Just think of how much more you want it every time she’s not in the mood. It’s reverse psychology 101!

Never, ever force the issue.

Believe it or not, sexual abuse is a real issue, even in committed lesbian relationships. While we may feel that we “deserve” our partner’s body whenever we decide, that’s simply not true. Consent needs to be given on a case-by-case basis or you run the risk of traumatizing your partner and making them even less likely to submit to your sex drive in the future.

On the same note, there’s the idea of “taking your business elsewhere”. There’s this idea that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous – and to some extent, I agree. However, the people who make those arguments based on our baser animal instincts forget one simple fact: The majority of “monogamous” animals are different than the majority of “monogamous” humans. Animals that mate for life actually do mate for life – never having another partner.

However, when humans use the term “monogamy”, it’s referencing “from this point forward”. Very few people actually have the same romantic partner for their entire life – but a far greater number of people have one exclusive romantic partner at a time.

If you and your partner do have an open relationship, this can be a grey area – obviously if you’re allowed to sleep with other people

My advice doesn’t really pertain to you as much, but you should still consult with her before you go looking for someone else to fill your needs. Just because you have a relationship free from jealousy doesn’t mean you have the right to go sneaking about.

For the partner who isn’t in the mood, you have tasks to do, too.

First of all, you shouldn’t simply shut your partner down if they’re in the mood and you’re not. If at all possible, try to explain to your partner why you’re not susceptible to arousal at that time – whether you’re in pain, you’re exhausted from work, you have too much stress on your mind, et cetera.

If you tell your partner what’s going on that’s keeping you in your clothes, she might be able to address the issue. Even if she isn’t, it’s a safe bet that she’ll allow you to vent to her, possibly in order to cash in the “brownie points” later. Let her!

At least try to get in the mood.

This one can be tough sometimes, especially if the issue that’s hindering your libido is something like tiredness or physical pain. But if you don’t have a truly legitimate excuse to deny your partner, you should at least be giving her some pointers to get the ball rolling, and try to be receptive to her attempts. It won’t always work, but as Wayne Gretzky once said – “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Try to compromise.

If you don’t want sex because you’re too tired or you have too much work to do, consider “compromising” with your partner and telling her that you’ll give it up the next day – and then do your best to follow through on this promise.

If you don’t want to receive sex, but you’d be willing to give it to your partner – let her know this! I know some women get more satisfaction from giving than they do from receiving, but for any woman who consents to having it both ways – some pleasure is better than no pleasure.

Don’t intentionally turn her on unless you’re willing to give her some.

I understand that sometimes we can unintentionally cause a great deal of frustration to our partners, through no direct fault of our own. Maybe you were wearing the yoga pants and sports bra you love because they’re comfortable, but your girlfriend loves them because of the exposed skin and tight fit – try to be courteous of these “mismatched needs” when you can.

This is an entirely different story than intentionally causing your partner frustration, though – take it from personal experience. My ex had “this look” that she used to give me to signal that she wanted to get lucky – and then at some point she started giving that look to me randomly, and then wondering why I’d want to stop what I was doing and make love to her.

From her end, it was “harmless fun”, as she enjoyed the idea of teasing without following through – but from my perspective, it was cruel and torturous. Don’t be that person.

So what have we learned today?

Just like with any other aspect of your relationship, compromise and open communication are the keys. You need to be accepting of her wants and needs, and she needs to be accepting of yours.

If you have honesty and trust you can be assured that this issue can be improved. It won’t happen overnight, and it takes a solid effort from all people involved, but differences in sex drive are usually one of the easiest relationship problems to work on.

If, for some reason, you two are absolutely not able to reach a satisfactory compromise through these tips, you may need to seek out therapy, or to take a break from each other. This can be a painful process, but if you’re truly not compatible – you’re not compatible.

6 Reasons Why Having Sex With Your Best Friend Maybe A Good Idea

One of the most common stereotypes in the lesbian community is that we have sex with all our friends.

Okay, I’ll admit, this is true for some of my friends – and in high school, I was that girl who tried to seduce the majority of my female friends, “just to say that I could”. Thankfully, they were all pretty cool about it – the friends who I shot down as well as the friends who shot me down. Hey, I might be cocky and overconfident, but no means no.

Looking back, if I had more female friends before I “settled down” (aka “got old”), I probably would have liked to sleep with some of them – and not just to say that I had. (Side note – if you do sleep with your best friend, you probably shouldn’t tell your other friends that you did. Just saying.)

Here are my top 6 reasons why having sex with your best friend wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

1. She probably knows you better than you know yourself.

Some women like to be enigmatic, and that can be great when you’re trying to seduce a new boo. But your bestie probably sees straight through it because she knows you like the back of her hand. And if she can predict the invisible parts of you so well – just imagine what she’ll be able to do with your body!

2. She’s probably seen you naked already anyway.

Okay, so not everyone is comfortable with nudity in front of others, especially “platonic” others. I’m the sort of person who still turns away when I’m changing – and I’ve been with the same woman for about two years now. Just sometimes, though, we allow our best friends to see parts of us that the rest of the world doesn’t get to see.

Surely sometimes these things are metaphorical, such as those repressed memories from your childhood that you’d never tell anyone, ever – except your best friend, of course. Other times, this can have a very literal translation. Since we don’t see our friends like that, it can be easier for us to get undressed in front of them – thus allowing a familiarity with each other’s bodies that the rest of your friends don’t have to know about.

3. You share everything else!

You guys already share clothes, friends, and the same crazy stories that makes the rest of your circle think you’re nuts – why not share a bit of time together satisfying a mutual need?

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4. You’ll wonder “what if” if you don’t.

This one might not be true for everyone, but certainly, if you have any question in your mind of what it would be like to sleep with your best friend (which I’m sure you do based on the fact that you’re reading this post) – those questions won’t usually go away on their own.

Let me take you back to my history a little bit: 18 years old, I had a friend I’d known for my entire life. I’m not going to lie, she was hot. One day, I made a move – and we ended up dating, briefly. It didn’t last long due to huge differences in our core values, but I strongly believe that I’d still be wondering today if I hadn’t ever acted on it.

Another friend in question – my male best friend – offered a similar mystery. I had long identified as a lesbian before we even met, but I went through a period of time where I questioned myself – and he seemed like the most likely answer to my “problems”.

We ended up talking about it and deciding it wasn’t worth the risk, but I still joke regularly that “if I was going to be with a guy, it would be him.” Technically I never acted on this impulse, but being able to talk it over made it easier to work through my feelings.

5. Because you’re only young once.

Life is about making mistakes – and let’s not get it confused, having sex with your best friend definitely has the potential to be a mistake. In most cases, however, you can move past these mistakes – and if you can’t, were they really your best friend to begin with?

6. Because she might be the love of your life.

Okay, maybe this is just me being a hopeless romantic – but I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason. In the case of “best friends”, it can be tough to decide exactly where she fits into your life. Surely, you shouldn’t try to pursue a sexual relationship with her if there’s no attraction, but if you’re both feeling the butterflies, it might be worthwhile to explore.

This list won’t be true for everyone, and it won’t be true of all of your best friends, but if you’re already thinking about it anyway, you should bring it up to her!

It might make things a little bit awkward for awhile, but if she’s a true bestie, she won’t drop you for wondering. You might as well see if there’s a chance, right?

9 Types Of Lesbians It Sucks To Have Sex With

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Maybe people grow apart, maybe they want different things or maybe the sex is bad.

That’s right – bad sex is something many women actually end a relationship over.

So what type of women does it suck to have sex with?

1. The stationary lover

Why do some women feel the need to keep sex to one position and at the same pace? There’s a whole world out there.


2. The tongue-jabber

These women treat oral like it’s an assault, and when you make-out with them, they try to remove your tonsils with their tongue. Too much tongue action is will numb all body parts – It’s a vagina, not a deck that needs a new finish.


3. The look-me-in-the-eyes lover

Sometimes you want to close your eyes and think happy, sexy thoughts. But this lady removes you from your moment, forcing you to look deep into her eyes. While, yes this can be ‘hot’ with the right type of lover, there is a certain type of woman who seems to think that good sex can only happen with constant eye contact. It’s not always going to be soulful lovemaking.


4. The ‘limited’ dirty talker

Talking dirty is an art form, which you need to come prepared for. Just saying “wet” & “horny” 70 times gets me dry. Also, no one wants a slutty parrot in the room.


5. The fast-finger blaster

Treating my private parts like a video game will get you no-where. Chill. There’s no gold at the end of this rainbow.


6. The only-her-oral-obsessed woman – really, really!?

In my eyes, selfishness about oral is a cardinal sin. It’s in the fine print of the Ten Commandments. Look it up.


7. The orgasm chaser

We all deserve to come in our own time. I don’t need to hear “are you there yet, are you there yet, are you there yet”. This mantra is an orgasm turn off.


8. The period-phobic

Periods happen. Period sex can happen. Get over it.


9. The woman who simply doesn’t pay attention

Above all, the worst type of person to have sex with is someone who doesn’t pay attention. Ask. Communicate. Listen.


Question: Why Do So Many Gay Women Go For Unavailable Women?

As the stereotype goes, gay women have a tendency to fall not only for that straight friend, but other unavailable women too.

Wanting what you can’t have drives many of us crazy. So, why are we into people who just aren’t into us?

Talking to Huffington Live host Nancy Redd, Mo Welch, the comedian and writer behind “The Plight of Falling for Unavailable Women,” said the first woman she ever dated was on the night of the woman’s divorce, so she was “clearly not ready for another person.”

You have no idea how attractive unavailable women are. They are the most attractive and the most fun. It is wrong, but I’m very competitive, you know. I’m just trying to win,”

Jokes aside, some argue a dalliance with a lesbian simply allows straight women to flaunt having had a lesbian experience as if it’s some sort of avant-garde novelty.

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But Staceyann Chin, who wrote this piece on dating straight women for The Guardian, explained the “allure.”

I think that there’s some amount of, ‘I’m the only one that’s ever been there. I’m the one who made her do this. There’s that kind of sexy thrill. You know, romance is always … kind of anti-reality.”


Watch the full conversation here.


What Makes Female Masculinity Hot?

There is something about being in close proximity to a butch woman that makes me go a little fluttery inside – kind of melty and shy, and occasionally, bold.

Perhaps this is accentuated by the fact that butches are rare and precious in my particular corner of the universe, but when and wherever they cross my path, something within me sits up and takes notice – because I share the other side of the secret.

Be sure to read: 8 Weirdly Adorable Things Soft Butches Do That We Can’t Get Enough Of

I know the special magic that happens when female yin meets female yang, and the opposite polarity locks us together like magnets caught up in each other’s sway.

There’s nothing sexier than being yourself.

15 Awkward Moments Every Vegetarian Lesbian Will Understand

I stopped eating meat almost ten years ago. I made this lifestyle change after reading a book called Skinny Bitch and learning about what goes on in slaughterhouses and what goes into our food. The facts really turned me off. I also deal with chronic stomach pain, and since eating meat can be hard to digest, it was a health choice as well.

I’ve never regretted my decision to stop eating meat. Sure, I sometimes smell bacon and miss it. When my mom makes meatballs, I’m reminded of being a little kid and eating them before she put them in sauce (the BEST).

Going out to eat with my girlfriend would probably be a lot less complicated if there weren’t so many things I couldn’t eat. But I love my lifestyle choice and I don’t see myself going back anytime soon.

The worst thing about not eating meat is other people’s reactions (like so much else in life). I don’t know why meat-eaters are obsessed with people who don’t eat meat, but honestly, you all need to chill. I literally do not care what you eat.

Why do you care what I eat?

1. “Ah so, you don’t eat meat (wink, wink, nudge) of any kind.” – it’s a constant killer

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2. When everyone with you at a restaurant is trying to help you figure out what to order.

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3. When your friends want to share small plates at restaurants with the meat-covered hands.

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4. People who crack jokes about vegetarians because they think it makes them edgy and hilarious.

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5. Family members who don’t get it – “No I don’t eat fish, and yes I’m still a lesbian!”

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6. “So, what DO you eat? Salad?”

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7. Eating in France – “Je suis vegetarian” is hugely useless phrases.

Using this word can result in someone only feeding you lettuce, or someone packing thin slices of meat into your food and actually thinking that they are helping. It’s not their fault; the word itself simply does not translate well.

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8. When your new meat-eating girlfriend invites you over to their house for dinner, and you let her know you don’t eat meat, which makes her feel obligated to cook you something special.

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9. Or you don’t tell her, and then make her feel bad when you can only eat the side dishes.

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10. Going on road trips with non-vegetarians.

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11. When the waiter is hovering by your table listing off the (all meat) specials.

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12. The prix fixe menu. – “Hmm, which should I choose, the chicken or the steak?”

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13. When the token vegetarian entree is just a pile of roasted veggies, and you have to pay $18 for it anyway.

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14. Having to ask for the ingredients of EVERYTHING.

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15. You order the veggie chilli, take one bite, and realise that it has meat in it…

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When Good Sex Goes Bad

It’s considered an inevitability in all committed relationships: At some point, your sex life just isn’t going to be what it once was.

However, great sex is just as important three years in as it was the first time.

What can you do if the passion is diminished, but you still care deeply about your partner?

There are some simple steps you can do to bring that spark back.

“We’re not having sex as often as I’d like/as often as we used to.”

There could be a million reasons for this. Maybe you’ve taken on new jobs (one or both of you) and simply don’t have the time anymore.

Perhaps you have even moved in with each other. This constant contact can make it less important to have sex on a regular basis. In order to prevent either party from feeling “left out”, I personally implement a system of “I’ll give it to you on such-and-such day, when my schedule is less hectic.”

The idea of “scheduled sex” may seem like a business contract, but the reality is that you may want it more if you’re forced to wait for it.

“She used to spend hours getting me turned on, and now she expects me to give it up on demand.”

This is actually a common problem across all relationships, too. As we grow more comfortable with our partner, we assume that there will be that same horniness that there was in the start.

If it’s there, that’s great! But if it’s not, the best thing you can do is talk to her about it. She may not realize that you need some inspiration before you’re ready to get naked. If you’re not comfortable with coming straight out and saying you need foreplay, try saying things like “Hey, remember that one time you _____?

That really turned me on, you should do that more often.” Chances are, she’ll jump at the chance to get you warmed up, and in many cases she may attempt to implement this advice right away. (Let her!)

“Our sex life has gotten boring.”

This is something I’ve actually heard a few times. This falls in line with the above problem – we are comfortable with our partner, and we are comfortable with “the same old sex” that we’ve been having for years.

It’s actually one of the easiest problems to fix, although it does take a bit of imagination. Consider your partner’s desires, and invite them to discuss theirs.

Are they into costumes? Toys? Massage oils? Consider looking for these items together. Not only will this ensure that the product(s) you purchase will be well-received, but the act of “naughty shopping” together may strike an immediate need. If she is turned on by the idea of sex in public, go for it! – within your legal limits.

We at KitschMix don’t encourage our readers to subject themselves to the fines that come along with public indecency. But if you happen to be on a long drive down an old country road, or you have a big back yard with a trampoline… Why not?

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“She’d rather just do it herself.”

This is a tough one, especially in couples where one person may be insecure.

The feeling that your partner would rather pleasure herself than ask you to pleasure her comes across as a rejection of you, even though that’s often not the case. Hey, maybe she knows you’ve been really busy and stressed, and doesn’t want to get in your way. Or maybe she just likes pleasuring herself.

Either way, the best course of action is to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Most likely, she’s not doing it to hurt you.

(There are some situations where it’s done with the intent of bringing out insecurities, but that’s another issue all to itself.)

“I find myself thinking about someone else while we’re intimate.”

The idea of fantasizing about others is definitely divided: Some women consider it cheating to imagine someone else, while others consider it a valuable form of foreplay.

If it’s an actual person you know that you’re fantasizing about, this can create problems, especially if your partner were to find out.

She could understandably become quite jealous, and if she has issues with insecurities as stated above, this is pretty much guaranteed to make them worse.

However, if it’s a celebrity or an obscure image that you’re fantasizing about – where’s the harm? If imagining this other person is what it takes for you to be aroused, I say go for it. As long as it’s not someone you could actually hook up with if you weren’t so dedicated to not doing it.

The most important thing to take into consideration if you’re unhappy with your sex life, for any reason, is that you have the power to change it.

Communication with your partner can work wonders, and it’s a vital step in order to ensure your happiness.

If you care about your partner, it is vital that you establish a sexual relationship that adequately complements your emotional bond.

It’s also important to note that these conversations often repeat themselves. Just as with any other aspect of your relationship, you will need to work at it on an ongoing basis in order to make sure neither of you is feeling neglected.

Is Scissoring Actually Effective? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Is scissoring actualy effective? 

Dear KitschMix,

So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now, and we want to get more adventurous in the bedroom. She really likes the idea of scissoring and I’m open trying anything once.

We tried last night as well…no luck was had.

Our main problem was that our vulvas, let alone our clits, weren’t rubbing together that well. If anything, both of our asses kept getting in the way. We kept referring to pictures online on lesbian forums, tried to position both our bodies differently, used pillows, etc. etc., but still no improvement.

Has anyone had success with scissoring? Any tips?

A: Oh my goodness, scissoring. It is both my guilty pleasure and the bane of my existence. It can definitely be effective, but there are some problems.

First, it’s definitely a learning experience. Chances are, it’s different than other things you’ve tried in the bedroom, and this can make it difficult to know when you’ve got it right. Especially if your main information is through pictures or porn – because the goal of these two types of materials is to show you what’s going on, they’re a bit misleading when it comes to actual practice.

You really need to be right on top of each other or it isn’t going to work. Most likely, you’re going to have to practice a lot before you get it down – but you’ll definitely know when you do.

Second, your anatomy plays a big part in it too – to an extent. I am not a very small girl, especially in the hips and butt area, so I feel your pain! My current partner and I have both gained a bit of weight over the past year or so – partially due to her having surgery, and partially because I stopped exercising as much as I used to. Before, when we were smaller, we were able to work it out – but even before we got to the sizes we are currently, it got difficult as we got further away from that “perfect” weight for us. We still try every now and then, but it’s not like it was when we were smaller.

For something that feels like scissoring but is a bit more forgiving to body types that aren’t “perfectly built” for such, consider standard tribbing. Technically, the only difference between the two is that scissoring is clit-to-clit while tribbing is clit-to-anything. This makes it a lot easier to handle, but produces the same end result.

Try aligning yourselves with your legs between each other’s legs. Try and get your thigh flat against her vagina, and help her to do the same. Then, as one of you rubs yourself against a leg, the leg that is against your partner will rub against her, too – and if the two of you are on the same rhythm, it feels very similar to “real” scissoring.

I hope this helps – please write again and let us know if this worked for you!

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Apparently Lesbians ‘Never Have To Fake An Orgasm’, But Some Do – Here’s Why

We often hear tales of women who fake orgasm with their partner. Sometimes the partner knows, and sometimes they don’t. Those who don’t fake orgasms might be wondering why anyone actually would. Well, we’ve done a bit of soul-searching and came up with 5 reasons that would make a woman want to fake an orgasm. Read on to find out what we came up with!

She wants to hurry up and get it over with.

A woman might fake an orgasm because she doesn’t really want to be having sex right then. Maybe she would rather be reading a book, or watching a movie. She figures if she fakes it really quick, she can move on to something else.

The problem with this is that your partner can usually tell if you’re not really into it. This isn’t necessarily true if you’ve faked it the whole relationship, but for those who can tell the difference between fake orgasms and real ones – they’ll know.

She’s not in the mood.

Maybe she’s stressed out, or her lady didn’t do enough in the foreplay department. For whatever reason, she’s not in the mood for sex and just wants to get it over with. For getting it over with, refer to reason #1.

She doesn’t care if she finishes – but her partner cares.

For some women, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. This isn’t exactly a bad thing, because it’s nice to not focus on the idea of having an orgasm. Certain medications, medical conditions, or a number of other factors can make it difficult to achieve climax, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t feel good.

The problem with this issue is that, by faking orgasm, you’re actually focusing on the destination – even if you’re trying not to. If you find yourself unable to reach orgasm, it’s much more beneficial to tell your partner that you’re having a good time but you’re not going to finish. Her feelings may be hurt if she discovers you were faking it.

Her partner isn’t very good.

Sometimes, the people we have sex with just aren’t particularly skilled lovers. It’s not always something second-nature, and in fact many people have to learn how to be good lovers. She might not want to hurt her partner’s feelings, so she pretends she’s God’s gift to women.

The problem with this reason is that, by not telling your partner what she’s doing wrong, you’re actually encouraging her to remain a lousy lover. With a little bit of communication (which you can learn to work into your sexual play) you can actually teach your partner to be a better lover. But if you don’t let her know she needs improvement, she’ll never know.


She’s never had an orgasm before.

I’ve spoken to some women who had never actually reached the point of climax before, and as such they were faking it every time because they thought that’s just what you do. Or, they may have thought they’d reached orgasm, but weren’t sure.

Trust me, ladies. If you don’t know if you’ve had an orgasm, you haven’t.

If you value your sexual relationship with your partner, it’s up to you to let her know if you finish or not. If it’s not important to you whether you do, make sure she knows that, too. You may be able to get away with faking it for a while, but in the long run your partner will most likely be hurt if she found out. Most women will guess that a fake orgasm means that they weren’t doing a good job – it’s human nature to doubt ourselves if we’re not sure. It’s your job as the receiver to let her know the truth.

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Does Being Selfish In The Bedroom Mean You’re Selfish In Your Relationship?

Is there one particular aspect of your relationship where one partner is doing more than their fair share?

I’m a giver by nature. This has been a bit of a problem to me, as I tend to let my girlfriends walk all over me while I’m bending over backwards for them. (Go ahead and picture that one literally – that’s a fun thought!)

I’ve always been the type to sacrifice if it meant that I could make my partner happy. Certainly, I’ve had my fair share of women who took advantage of this simple fact, but thankfully I’m now with someone who respects me enough to compromise when I need her to. (Believe it or not, even us “givers” have our limits.)

In the past, I’ve always tried to be the one who does most – maybe out of a lack of self confidence; I feel I have to do extra to “earn” the woman I’m with, because I tend to date girls who are “out of my league”. (As a side note, “out of your league” doesn’t really exist – it’s just a construct based on stereotypes and generalizations… But I digress.)

Once I began to date a woman who didn’t treat me this way, I allowed myself to turn into a bit of a princess for awhile. (So maybe she chose the word “queen”, but the principle is still the same.) Where I had grown accustomed to being the one to deliver the most, suddenly I was with someone who didn’t even let me touch her for the first few months. Boy, did that throw me for a loop!

Something I noticed during that time is that the body naturally responds to this “special treatment” and starts to think that it deserves it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; in a way, it helped to open my eyes to the ways I had been treated by some of my exes.

But I also realized that they might have been taking advantage of me because I allowed them to.

This is a controversial statement – surely, no one seeks to allow someone to walk all over them, myself (and my partner) included. But once you get used to the idea of being put on a pedestal, it can be hard to stop that mentality from taking over.

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Fortunately, it’s not inevitable, and after awhile I was able to adjust my “offerings” to a more balanced standpoint. She still gives me sex more often than I give it to her, but that’s a personal choice she makes. I never demand it, and you really shouldn’t either.

That being said, there’s a definite stigma surrounding the idea of “pillow princesses”. The name itself implies negativity, as the word “princess” isn’t meant the same as, say, a Disney princess. Rather, the use of the term implies that the woman is someone who needs things to be her way or they don’t happen at all.

(Okay, by that definition, I’m still definitely a princess – I’ve got a crazy amount of OCD and I’m more than a slight control freak. In my case, though, the level of control I need is directly related to what I’m allowed to do – and not simply what I allow to be done to me.)

If you find yourself being “spoiled” in one aspect of your relationship and you see it spilling over into another aspect, it’s best not to ignore it. Sure, it may feel nice to get all the extra attention – especially if you’re not someone who’s used to being the recipient – but you shouldn’t allow it to take control over your relationship.

Relationships are all about compromise and balance, and if you’re not offering those things, you’re not being fair to your partner.

What can you do if it seems like it’s too late to fix it? First, you should get that negative thinking out of your head. The only time it’s too late is if the relationship is over… And even then, there’s some room for negotiations sometimes. Once you identify that there is a problem, you can work to fix the problem.

It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be important.

If you notice yourself taking more of the attention than your fair share, or your partner expresses an imbalance in your relationship, you should examine the ways you handle things and see if there’s anything you can change. Some women can be stubborn and refuse to let you re-balance the equation. That’s their choice, and you shouldn’t make any rash decisions based on this fact alone.

However, most women will be willing to communicate on how you can improve, if you give them the opportunity. Most women would rather fix what they have than to try and find something new, and in many cases that means that she’ll give you the opportunity to do better. Never, ever forfeit this opportunity by not trying.

The specific areas that your relationship may be lacking balance are different on a case-by-case basis, and therefore it’s essential that you talk to your partner. Only you and her can know for sure what needs to happen – no amount of internet advice articles can actually fix your relationship for you.

6 Signs That You’re Secretly a Hopeless Romantic

Some of us are just born to be lovers. I’d say that’s a good thing.

There are easily a million different kinds of people in the world. Some prefer sex, some prefer love, some prefer neither – and that’s okay.

I personally have always considered myself a “hopeless romantic with a hard outer shell” – I pretend to have no feelings to keep myself from getting hurt. (Those who really know me, think I’m pretty bad at this, but on the surface I think I do a pretty good job with strangers.)

I know I’m not alone in this, either. I can’t be the only one who pretends to be this insensitive jerk but secretly would do anything to make sure my partner is happy.

There isn’t really any set-in-stone way to figure this out, but chances are, if you think you might be – you probably are.

Sign #1: You don’t watch romantic comedies.

Let me rephrase that: You don’t admit to watching romantic comedies.

You’ll watch them in the privacy of your own bedroom, secluded from the rest of the world – but if your girlfriend wants to go see one, you’ll of course tell her that you’ll watch it “for her”. Secretly, you’ll have teary eyes the whole time.

Sign #2: You keep a detailed relationship journal.

Okay, maybe specifically this one only pertains to me – but there are different ways of journaling, that should be considered.

Do you write sappy poems, but share them with no one? That’s a journal. Do you keep track of your dates, and how you feel about them, on a calendar or in a notebook?

That’s a journal. Do you have a blog full of relationship advice even though you’re single? Well, that’s not exactly a journal, but if you’re in love with the idea of being in a relationship and how to make it perfect – you might be a hopeless romantic.

Sign #3: You feel warm and fuzzy inside when you see a couple in love.

For me, the couple doesn’t have to be a couple of lesbians. Straight people, lesbians, gay men… They’re all adorable when they’re in love.

Of course, I’d never want to be one of those couples who steals the show with PDA – but tasteful PDA is super cute.

Sign #4: You’ve planned your wedding… Alone.

Okay, I think this one requires a bit of a back story. I had been in love with the same girl since I was 16 – in hindsight, a grievous mistake, but that’s another story entirely. In an attempt to get her to stay during one hard break-up, I proposed to her.

She wasn’t actually interested in the wedding, just in the ring – so needless to say, I was doing all the planning myself. Even when we broke up (which happened every few months with her), I continued pinning ideas to my Pinterest wedding board.

I kept it private, of course – who wants to be the loser who’s making plans for a wedding that everyone knows was never actually going to happen?

That being said, once I got with my current girlfriend – I had a lot of ideas already about what I wanted in my wedding. She didn’t know about my pins and my ideas, but she had expressed an interest in asking for my hand in marriage.

Inside I was giddy, but outwardly I gave her some rules.

You can’t ask me until we’ve been together at least a year. And you have to surprise me with the proposal. And it has to be when we’re alone, because if you embarrass me in public I’ll say no.”

I didn’t tell her that I had been looking up rings for awhile – or that I had every intention of saying yes when she asked. She waited, I planned in secret, and then when she asked – everyone else was surprised. But really, I had known it was going to happen for quite some time.

Sign #5: You love playing matchmaker.

If you’re single, you might secretly plan relationships for your friends in your head. You might hook them up, formally, or you might just introduce them casually and hope for the best.

You see qualities in your closest friends that you think would match well together, and you try to make it happen – but you’d never take credit for the union if it happens.

You might even participate in “shipping” with your favorite fandoms. This character and that character belong together – obviously.

They might be characters from TV shows, they might be celebrities, they might be little animal companions – it doesn’t matter, you’ve imagined them in their ideal relationships, even if the characters or celebrities would never reasonably meet.

If you’re in a relationship and you and your partner both have single friends, you start thinking about how you could set them up. You sparkle at the idea of having “couple friends” to do things with, even if you pretend it’ll be a total bore.

Your partner obviously knows that this emotionless facade is a mask, but she lets you pretend you’re just doing it to get your single friend off your back.

Sign #6: You’re actually reading this list right now, and trying to find proof that you aren’t a hopeless romantic after all.

Ladies, I get it. Feelings are hard to deal with, and it’s so much easier to just pretend that we don’t have them. I’ve definitely been there. But the woman you end up falling in love with will be able to see straight through your “IDGAF” mask.

She’ll notice that your eyes light up when she does certain things, even if you pretend you don’t care. She’ll notice when you say you “hate cuddling”, but you pull her closer at night without a second thought.

She’ll notice all these things, and slowly she’ll show you that you don’t have to hide your lovey-dovey side.

I wish all of you the best in finding someone who will put up with your hidden romantic inclinations, and bring out your inner softie – everyone should find that person at least once in their life.

7 Qualities Of A Love That Is Timeless

Have you ever sat down and spoke with someone whose romantic life completely inspired you? I’m talking those stories that shake you to your core, the kind of love that you’ve been dreaming of since you were a kid. These are the types of love that are so special, when one partner passes away, the other can’t even imagine the idea of being with someone else. What could make one person so special that they truly became irreplaceable?

And, better yet, why would anyone want any other kind of love?

We’ve done a bit of digging, and we found out that these are the 7 things that make a love truly timeless – and little ways you can start to incorporate the power of timeless love in your own relationships. By following these rules in all your relationships, you can assure that you will one day find that lasting love.

1) Timeless love is priceless.

There’s no monetary value assigned to true love. Small gestures of love and affection mean so much more than a million gifts, and they help to create memories that will last a lifetime. This deep, immaterial love doesn’t care how much money you have in your bank account, your wallet, or the cup holders in your car.

Simply put, if you need a price tag to quantify your love, your relationship is not meant to last. Financial situations can change at any time, but true love is here to stay. Value experiences over gifts and your love will be strengthened against the tests of time.

2) Timeless love is sincere.

Timeless love stories don’t usually start with love at first sight – but they do involve trust and affection from the start. The way you act around your partner tells much more than your words, and in a timeless love, your words and behaviors reflect truth. Dishonesty will destroy a relationship faster than almost anything else, so relationships that rely on mistruths will never survive.

The way you treat your partner – even when she’s not around – reflects not only your relationship, but also the way you feel about her. She deserves love, respect, and trustworthiness from the very beginning – if you wait until tomorrow to start, it may already be too late.

3) Timeless love is protected.

Most partners don’t go out of their way to hurt their other half, but timeless lovers selflessly go out of their way to be at their lover’s side. They are assured, shielded, and appreciated because they assure, shield, and appreciate their partner. Their bond is strong because they fortify it every way they can.

To create protections in your love, you need only to see your partner as your partner in a journey toward self-improvement, happiness, and your ultimate goals. You need to support each other and see each other as teammates – never rivals.

4) Timeless love is intense.

The strongest loves are those which are full of passion, emotion, and energy. There’s no time for mediocrity, because these relationships require two people enthusiastically persisting toward mutual goals and a shared vision. They’re not afraid of the storms, because they know there will be rainbows after.

There’s no way to fake an intense love, but you should be able to sense it early on. An intense relationship doesn’t need to be a rollercoaster of emotions – it just needs the emotions to be clearly on display for both partners to see. They won’t all be happy emotions, but the more emotions there are, the more will be happy.

5) Timeless love is unique.

Timeless love never happens in the traditional ways – a once-in-a-lifetime relationship is only going to come around once in a lifetime. These loves thrive on creativity to build memories, and the couple is always graciously hoping for more adventures together.

Get out of your comfort zone and make those adventurous memories together – there’s no substitute. Everyone’s idea of adventure is a little bit different, but in a timeless love, you and your partner will enjoy similar types of adventure (even if you don’t agree on what the best kind is).

6) Timeless love is positive.

I’m sure we’ve all seen the movies where the tender-hearted girl-next-door falls in love with the rebel rogue and the two go off to commit crimes together – but that’s not true love. True, timeless love exudes optimism, even in the darkest hours, and it makes you want to be a better person. Timeless love relies on two people trying to work towards their higher calling in life – and encouraging each other to reach for the stars.

Thankfully, timeless love makes you a believer in optimism. It’s the sort of love that puts a smile on your face when the cheesy love songs come on the radio. It’s the type of love that makes you feel invincible, like you can conquer literally anything – as long as she’s by your side.

7) Timeless love is loyal.

The biggest difference between a timeless love and a relationship is that a timeless love is irreplaceable. Your partner isn’t just your girlfriend, she’s The One. She’s the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life, and you truly feel that you belong to one another. Even if things were to unexpectedly end – due to death, divorce, or just a matter of circumstances – she’ll hold a place in your heart that no one else could ever fill.

It’s important to realize that just because a love is timeless does not mean that it’s invincible. Things can happen at any time due to factors outside of our control, but that doesn’t make the love story any less meaningful.

Do you have a story of timeless love to share with us? We’d love to hear it! Drop it in the comments section below, and let us know if there was anything else that made it so special.

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11 Signs You’re Too Good For Your Girlfriend

When you love someone, you give without expecting anything in return. It’s about the feeling you get when you do nice things for her – not that you do them so that she’ll do something else for you. Still, one-sided signs of affection can lead to resentment, frustration, and downright exhaustion. If one of you is actually playing a bigger role in your relationship – not just overclaiming what you do – an unbalanced feeling might be a sign that you’re too good for your girlfriend.

Of course, it’s up to you whether you stay or go, but if you find yourself in most of the following 11 signs, you deserve so much better – and you’d probably be happier single than with your current partner. How many can you spot in your relationship?

You’re shut out of her life.

Happy, healthy couples share their goals, their plans, and their big decisions with each other. It’s normal to keep your distance in the beginning, but there comes a point where your lives will either pull you closer or push you further away – and a partner who shuts you out isn’t trying to get closer to you.

You fantasize about life without her.

It’s normal to occasionally think about how your life would be different without the person you care about, but there’s a distinct difference between thinking about and fantasizing about. If you find yourself drawn to the idea of breaking up, most likely you should – there’s a reason your mind is somewhere else.

She undervalues you.

Everyone brings value to someone else’s life, in some way or another. If your girlfriend doesn’t see the value that you bring to her life, she’ll never appreciate or respect you. A happy partner would consider your abilities and benefits as part of the team, listen to your opinions, and appreciate your contributions to the relationship. If she’s not doing those things, you owe it to yourself to find someone who will.

Your need for affection is not being met.

Everyone has their own needs within a relationship, but healthy relationship involves a compromise between one’s needs and the other’s boundaries, as much as possible. If you’ve already expressed a need for more affection to your partner and she won’t even consider it, she’s not the one – I promise.

She treats you like a child.

It’s normal to get frustrated with each other when someone’s acting immature – but if your partner is talking down to you and treating you like you’re a child, there’s a problem. It shows a lack of respect, and it shows a desire to control – neither of which is cool in a relationship.

You don’t feel respected or appreciated.

I know I already touched on respect in the last one, but the same is true for appreciation. While you shouldn’t do things just for the recognition, a partner who doesn’t acknowledge the blessings you bring into her life may not actually see any – which is, most likely, a reflection of her rather than of you. Find yourself someone who appreciates everything you are.

She would rather have sex with you than talk to you.

If your girlfriend uses sex as a way to change the subject or avoid having a conversation with you, it might be a sign that sex is all she sees you for. Some aromantic relationships can get by just fine without any conversation, but if the feeling isn’t mutual, it can cause a number of problems between the two of you – best to put an end to it as soon as possible.

You don’t know her friends and family.

It’s completely normal to wait for a relationship to settle in before bringing your boo home to the family, but if you’ve been together for over a year and you don’t know anyone in her life, there may be other issues that you wouldn’t expect. Are you sure you even know her?

You don’t feel like you can trust her.

A lack of trust in a relationship can be a sign of insecurity, especially if one partner just had their trust destroyed. But there’s also a chance it’s your inner intuition telling you the things you don’t want to admit to. Either way, the two of you don’t belong together if there’s no trust involved – the relationship will never be able to grow.

You don’t talk about anything real.

Small talk and shallow conversations are all well and good, but that’s not what intimate relationships are made of. If you never touch on the issues, you can never hope to deal with them, and if your partner discourages talking about your hopes and dreams, too, she’s probably hoping she’s not in them.

You’re not happy, you’re just comfortable.

Relationships aren’t pure magic every single day, but if you can’t remember the last magical day after a few seconds of thinking, your relationship has already played out and it’s time to move on. It’s not fair to either of you to remain in a relationship that doesn’t bring you joy at least most of the time. Only you know what happiness truly means to you, but you owe it to yourself to find it.

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11 Signs You Were Made For Each Other

What causes some relationships to end once the newness rubs off, and what causes some to grow and thrive? While there is no one answer that rings true for everyone, there are a few signs that your relationship is more than just a passing phase. These 11 things lead to greater compatibility and a love that gets better with age – just like a fine wine. Are you and your partner meant to last? Check this list and see how many signs are in your relationship!

You’re best friends.

There’s a reason that we’re so inclined to crush on our besties – it’s because a good friendship can make for a great relationship. When you find the woman who was made for you, she’s eventually going to become your best friend. What’s even better is she’s a best friend who will encourage you to have other friends, too – a great relationship doesn’t mean locking yourselves away for all of eternity.

You respect each other.

Respect is one of the pinnacles of a good relationship, whether it’s romantic, sexual, platonic, or somewhere in between. If you and your partner were meant for each other, there will be a level of respect that’s hard to come by. You might not always agree on everything, but you know what’s important and you put your relationship ahead of your ego.

You bring balance to each other.

Amazing relationships aren’t about being exactly alike – they’re about finding someone who complements you in a way that makes you amazing when you’re together. If one of you is an obsessive planner, the other might be super spontaneous. If one of you is brash and gruff, the other might be cheery and optimistic. Love is about finding balance, and partnering up with someone who meets you in the middle.

You open up to each other.

True love is about honesty and communication. The woman who was meant for you will allow herself to be vulnerable, particularly if it sets you at ease. She’d rather hurt you with the truth than please you with a lie, but most of all she wants to create a truth that does please you. She doesn’t mind doing it, because she knows you feel the same way about her.

You belong to each other.

There’s no settling involved here – what you two have is a bond between souls. You feel complete with each other, and you couldn’t imagine things being any better with anyone else. You might occasionally have a wandering eye, but in the end you know that the strangers on the street could never compare to what you have at home. Staying loyal isn’t a challenge because you know she holds your heart.

You’re into similar things.

Love is about balance, but there are also shared interests. The two of you might have a hobby you participate in together (go you!), a show you watch religiously every date night, or maybe it’s a mutual love of rescued kittens. Whatever it is, you two have “your thing” and you love geeking out together. She’d never judge you for the fandoms you belong to, because she’s probably in half of them too… And it’s always nice to have someone to recap with.

You excite each other.

The spark fades a bit slower in a relationship where you’re meant for each other – you know all the buttons to push to keep things fun and exciting. Just the fact that you adore one another makes the most boring tasks seem a bit more bearable, so when it comes to the things that are already fun, you’re in absolute bliss. Just being around her brings a smile to your face, and there’s no doubt she thinks about you when you’re apart.

You see both strengths and failures.

True love isn’t about finding the perfect person – it’s about loving an imperfect person in the most perfect way. When you find the woman who’s meant for you, you’ll be there to help motivate her towards success, but you’ll also need to be able to pick her up when she struggles. She’ll be by your side doing the same for you, too. You’ve got the tough job of playing cheerleader and coach, but it’ll all be okay, because you’re going through it together.

You understand each other.

As much as love requires you to talk things out, partners who are meant for each other will start to develop their own nonverbal communication, too. The two of you understand the intention behind words, even when they sound unpleasant (or maybe even mean). You also know how to listen for the things that aren’t said, because you know each other well enough to notice when something’s off. Most of all, you want to understand each other – so if something isn’t clear, you ask questions until you get through it.

You support each other.

When you meet the woman who was meant for you, you’re going to feel like you can conquer anything. She’s not your sidekick or your boss, she’s your partner and she wants to see you achieve all your wildest dreams. She might not always share your vision, but both of you understand that you don’t need to be headed to the same place. As long as you’re headed in the same direction, you can get there together.

You feel genuinely happy – often.

There will always be frustrations and other things going on, but when you’re with the woman who was meant for you, those things have a chance to disappear for a little while. Being with her feels like a safety net, or like a warm fluffy bed on a cold winter day. You look forward to spending time around her because she actually distracts you a bit from the less savory parts of life. She gives you a sense of home – and that’s one of the greatest pleasures in life.

4 Words That Are Killing Your Relationships

It’s hard to think that something as little as word choice can have a profound impact on anything – even though we know how easy it is to be misunderstood. While all misunderstandings are generally bad, there are some specific words that might be wreaking havoc on your love life – even if you don’t even realize you use them.

Of course, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to use each of these words, and just because it comes up in conversation doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is over, but the more often you use these words against your partner, the more likely things are to go sour.

How many are you saying too often?


What you say: “You never talk to me anymore!”

What she hears: “This is all your fault!”

When you start your complaints with the word “you,” it sounds accusatory – and your partner is going to feel like you’re blaming everything on you. It points the finger at her without taking your emotional response into consideration. However, most relationship problems aren’t solely one person’s fault – it takes miscommunication on both sides.

What to say instead: “I feel like we don’t talk as much as we used to.”

When you change your statement into one that reflects your feelings, you’re sharing your perspective, instead of placing blame. It gives your partner the opportunity to help your hurt feelings, instead of putting her immediately into defensive mode.


What you say: “I expected you to have a job by now!”

What she hears: “You’re not the person I want you to be.”

Although no one is immune to expectations in a relationship, it’s important to remember that your partner is not automatically held to your expectations for her. Sure, it would be nice if she did the things you expected and didn’t do the things you didn’t expect from her, but that’s not how life works. Your expectations for her may be vastly different than her expectations for herself, and unless you fully communicate, she’ll never even know what you want. Telling her that she doesn’t meet your expectations will only make her feel like a failure.

What to say instead: “I would prefer if I wasn’t the only one working.”

You can’t fix a missed expectation that’s already past – all you can really do is work on fixing it in the future. It’s also important to realize that she has to want to fix things – you can’t hold her to the vision in your imagination. Instead, focus on what you want, and open the door for discussing those wants. Keeping the focus on your wants, instead of her shortcomings, helps keep the tone a little more positive.


What you say: “You must empty the trash before I get home.”

What she hears: “I’m in charge around here, so do what I say.”

The word “must” (or “have to,” if that’s more your style) asserts dominance over the other person in the conversation. It positions you as an authority and your partner as someone inferior. It takes away her ability to think for herself, because you’re handing over a to-do list. It can lead to resentment in the long term, especially if your partner isn’t the submissive type.

What to say instead: “It would really help me if you could take out the trash before I get home.”

This simple shift makes the statement one about helping you, instead of serving you – something most partners would lovingly do. It gives her room to think for herself, because you’re making a comment, not a command. It replaces the balance between the two of you so that you’re equals, not boss and employee.


What you say: “You should take better care of your car.”

What she hears: “I’m smarter than you.”

The idea that you know what someone else should do – yikes! It’s a slippery slope. It generally comes from a place of judgment, even if it doesn’t feel like you’re being judgmental at the time. When you tell someone what they should do, you’re also telling them that you think you’re an expert, and that you know their situation better than they do. That’s not generally a good approach to take with your partner.

What to say instead: “I would love if you kept your car cleaner.”

Just like with the statements above, shifting the focus from her to you will make it more of a romantic gesture if she decides to comply – she won’t just be doing it because she feels threatened. You should still be aware that she’s not obligated to change – remember, that’s why we’re focusing on you. But, if your partner knows it’ll make you happy if she did the thing, she might be more likely to do the thing than if she just feels like you’re nagging her.

8 Tips For The Most Perfect Date Ever

Have you ever been on a date that was… Not so great, to say the least? You accidentally knocked your wine all over yourself at dinner. You stepped in gum at the theater. Maybe you even messed up your lucky pants before heading out and had to resort to the pair you usually save for laundry day. Yikes! After a date like that, most people are eager to do whatever it takes to make sure the next date they go on is way better.

Well, lucky for you, there’s actually a formula for the perfect date. Consider it a checklist, if you will – the more of these things your dates include, the more perfect they will be. You’re welcome!

Perfect dates aren’t about timing.

You don’t need to plan some extravagant candle-lit dinner. In fact, you don’t have to plan anything at all. The best dates have moments when time stands absolutely still. It’s not about how much time you spend together or what you do when you’re together, but rather it’s about how you feel when you’re around each other.

Perfect dates are creative.

It’s not about how much money you spend, either – it’s about how memorable the date itself is. You want to make sure there’s a touch of simple brilliance to it – something that her ex-girlfriends probably never thought of. When it’s done right, you’ll be creating a memory that will last a lifetime – and that’s something truly special.

Perfect dates let you connect.

When a date is executed perfectly, there’s a bit of chemistry and a bit of getting to know each other. It’s hard to fake chemistry, of course, but a lasting relationship doesn’t need as much of a spark as you might think. You’re excited to get to know each other, and you might find that you’re even closer as time goes on – that’s one of the best feelings! Most of all, though, a perfect date leaves you ready for the next date.

Perfect dates are relaxed and fun.

Most of us take our lives way too seriously all the time – but when you’re on a date, you should be calm and have a good time. There shouldn’t be any hostile competition (although a little laser tag never hurt anybody… at least not that I know of). There shouldn’t be any ulterior motives, hidden agendas, or misleading promises – this date isn’t just a path to get ahead in life. There’s plenty of time to be serious later, so make sure your dates are a time to let go and have fun.

Perfect dates are respectful.

All relationships require respect, and that respect needs to come from the start – disrespectful people don’t magically become respectful as time goes on. The perfect date understands boundaries and consent, and neither of you feels pressured or judged by the other. By the time you go your separate ways, you feel you’ve been treated fairly and with respect.

Perfect dates are passionate.

Perfect dates take passion – but that doesn’t (necessarily) mean you have sex on a perfect date. Anything that charges you up is a passion, and there’s something about the other person that makes you want to share that passion. You excite and ignite each other, and there’s a magnetic attraction that makes you want to come back for more.

Perfect dates teach you something.

The human brain is a muscle that literally sits there all day, absorbing new information. When you have a perfect date, you’re fueling your brain with some fascinating new information – whether it’s information about yourself, about her, or about the world around you. You’re both eager to learn more because there’s something so energizing about cultivating knowledge together.

Perfect dates aren’t about perfection.

While there’s something magical about the dates they show on dating shows, there’s something lacking from all of those: Realness. On a perfect date, you feel comfortable being completely yourself with the other person. You understand that one imperfect date isn’t a disaster, and you’re not putting pressure on the itinerary or your circumstances. A perfect date makes you want to build and grow with this person, and that doesn’t happen in just one day.

7 Things To Remember When Dating A Strong, Successful Woman

Thinking about dating a woman who seems to have her whole life figured out? She’s the type of woman you could picture owning her own business in the next five years (or maybe she already owns a few). She’s entirely self-made and sexy as hell – and somehow, she’s interested in you! You’re right to want to know the secrets. After all, she’s different than the women who are just scraping by. She’s thriving, and she wants you to be a part of her awesome life.

What do you need to remember when you’re dating a strong, successful woman?

She doesn’t need you, she wants you.

Strong women don’t mind being alone, so she’s not going to waste her time with someone who doesn’t complement her life. She isn’t looking for financial support, material gifts, or absolute perfection. Instead, she’d rather spend her time with someone who’s looking to grow, just as she is. She understands that no one starts off a master – she just needs to know that you’re trying. (But, if you don’t keep up with her, she has no room for dead weight.)

She has a strong set of values.

Strong women also have strong values. She needs to know that she has a purpose in life, and she’ll always stand up for the causes she believes in. Of course, she hopes you see eye to eye on those core values, but if you do have a disagreement, she understands how important it is to stick up for yourself, and she’ll respect your different opinions. She isn’t just going through life mindlessly, though – she’s actively doing something to make the world a better, stronger place, and she anticipates your support.

She’s always on a mission.

Strong women are very deliberate with what they do, so you can be certain that your strong girlfriend has a plan. Even if it doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, she’s probably already a few steps ahead (just in case). And, if you’re a bit insecure of your place in her life, be aware: You fit into her plans, in one way or another, or she never would have agreed to go out with you.

She goes after the things she wants.

As much as strong women love a good plan, she’s not afraid to take immediate action if the situation calls for it. She understands that sometimes plans and opportunities change, and you have to take control of a situation before it passes you by. She’ll stop at nothing less than success, and she won’t settle for anything she doesn’t want. This means that she’s not afraid to take the initiative, and she’ll let you know there’s a problem long before it comes unfixable.

She surrounds herself with other strong people.

Strong women aren’t keen on wasting time. She’d rather find herself amid people who can keep up with her, even if that means her social circle is quite small. She doesn’t really care for gossip or small talk – she’d much rather discuss tips, tricks, formulas, recipes, trade secrets… Whatever her particular interests may be. She expects you to be ready to grow and improve with her, or at the very least, to respect her hustle and support her as she does her own thing.

She craves knowledge and learning like air.

Skill building is a hobby for strong women. She is constantly working to improve herself, which means she’ll take books over TV shows any day. Romance can be shown by taking a class together or taking in a new experience – she’s keen on libraries and museums, too. She sets strong goals for herself, and – much to the amazement of those around her – she follows through with her plans. She’s used to overcoming challenges, so much that she seeks them out whenever possible.

She’s not a robot, but she is guarded.

Strong women aren’t magically immune to sadness, fear, or anger – they’re just better at keeping their emotions in check around strangers and acquaintances. She needs to be with someone who supports and appreciates her, because she won’t be vulnerable around someone she doesn’t trust. She won’t let her guard down unless she’s fully comfortable. Make sure you recognize the gift you have, and don’t screw it up!

9 Signs Breaking Up Was The Right Thing To Do

Letting go of a relationship is hard. Even if you inwardly know that moving on was the right choice, it’s completely normal to question whether you really made the right decision.

Rest assured, though – most likely, you did make the right choice when you ended your relationship. Holding onto something that doesn’t make you a better person is a tremendous waste of your emotional resources, and here are 9 signs that you’ll be happier without your ex in your life.

Your relationship was causing you pain.

Whether you wanted to admit it or not, your relationship was hurting you somehow – otherwise you wouldn’t have even considered leaving it. Most likely, you tried to fix the relationship before you got out of it – at least the best way you knew how at the time. It takes strength and courage to stand up for yourself and to put yourself first. Your own empathy caused your hesitation – you still didn’t want to hurt your ex, even if she was hurting you. You were afraid of the consequences of your choice, but once you took action you realized that it cured your fear. You chose to make yourself a priority, and now you are a priority.

You finally started speaking up.

The desire to please others is admirable, but when that’s all you ever do, it can be emotionally draining. In fact, neglecting yourself can have catastrophic consequences – and you finally chose to speak up, rather than letting the resentment and pain to keep growing. You are not responsible for your ex’s faults, and you are not responsible for being her perfect person. You acknowledged that you deserved better, and then you made yourself available to other opportunities.

You were headed in different directions.

It’s a fact of life that people are going to change and evolve – but there’s nothing set in stone about that growth. It’s not always linear, it’s not always forward, and it’s not usually automatic. Someone can be absolutely perfect for you in one season of your life, and then completely wrong for you in the next season. Instead of trying to force your partner to conform to your plans, or forcing yourself to conform to hers, you chose to do the humane thing and open yourself up to a better fit.

You took control of your own destiny.

Instead of playing the victim and waiting for things to get worse, you took the reins and helped to write your own story. You understand that freedom and happiness aren’t a matter of circumstance, they’re a matter of choice, and that means that you must choose the life that brings you happiness. You assume responsibility over your own life, but not hers – you can’t control the path that she walks.

You’ve already found someone new.

If you have already moved onto your next partner, no good can possibly come from questioning the choices – you’ll only end up hurting everyone involved. There is a reason that you are with this new person now – she’s a better fit for you. Even if you haven’t started dating someone else, you have found yourself – the most important partner you’ll ever have. Treat yourself right, and trust that if she was meant to stay your girlfriend forever, you wouldn’t have entertained the idea of walking away.

You figured out your needs and boundaries.

When you grow comfortable in a painful relationship, it’s normal to start tolerating things you told yourself you’d never stand for. But there comes a time when you must discover your needs and boundaries and decide you won’t put up with the same things anymore. When it comes time to reevaluate your needs, you’re also helping to heal your heart and your mind. Take time to visualize your perfect relationship in your mind, without envisioning your perfect partner. Then, identify which pieces are a must for you, and go find them.

You redefined yourself and your future.

You are strong and independent – you let go of someone you, not too long ago, considered a tremendous piece of your life. Now you can learn to set goals as an individual, instead of as a couple. Why settle for the same pain and mediocrity when you can have so much more, if you only seek it out?

You feel at peace with yourself.

You’re no longer half of a couple – you are a completely separate person, free from any expectations, misconceptions, or distractions. You’ve decided that it’s not about belonging to someone else – it’s about owning yourself. Your flaws, your values, your purpose, your likes, and your dislikes all make up who you are, and despite anything that anyone has ever told you, you are great just the way you are. Going through a tough break-up confirms and proves that, and strengthens you for the future. There are still so many possibilities ahead of you!

You learned something from it.

Any experience that leads to new knowledge – about yourself, about other people, or about the world around you – is not a mistake. It’s never a mistake to learn something new. By moving away from the relationship that no longer served you, you created a new reality – with new opportunities, and without the old things weighing you down. After all, you can’t move forward if you’re still holding onto the past. You’re still you after a break-up… You’re just a brand-new, wiser you.

11 Lies About Break-Ups We’ve All Fallen For

Let’s take a few minutes to talk about something unpleasant: Breaking up with your girlfriend. Especially around the holidays, break-ups can send you into the deepest, darkest pits of your soul, holding your happiness captive. Sometimes break-ups are messy, and people get hurt. You invest so much of your time, energy, and emotion into this one person and it gets harder to see the other people out there. This is especially true at the end of a toxic relationship where the partners are so involved in one another’s lives that they’ve literally lost touch with the outside world – friends, family members, anyone who used to mean the world to them before they entered their relationship.

To make matters worse, the brain doesn’t really like the idea of change – even positive change. Our brain, masquerading as our heart, takes bits and pieces of things and refuse to fully let go. It’s why you get nostalgic when looking through old pictures, and why you get teary-eyed when you remember your childhood pet. We appreciate things more after we’ve lost them, after all – so why would our romantic partners be any different?

Properly handling a break-up is one of those life-skills that isn’t automatically programmed into us, though – we’ve got to learn it (often the hard way). One of the first steps in resolving your break-up process is understanding that these 11 things are total bullshit.

“One last romp… For old time’s sake.”

There is absolutely no reason you need to sleep with someone one more time when you break up. Not only does it set the precedent that you’re only good for sex – which can drastically lower your self-confidence – but it also reinforces all the bonds you’re trying to break. Think about it: That’s like finding out you’re allergic to peanuts, and then chomping down on one last bag “for old time’s sake.” It’s not going to make the pain of the allergy any less severe, and it won’t make the pain of your break-up any less severe, either. It’ll just encourage you to fall into the same patterns you have, and make up with someone you really don’t belong with.

“The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Whoever started this line of thinking was clearly not looking out for anyone else’s interests when they first said it. The idea that you can move on by forcing yourself to move on completely undermines the grieving and reflecting process – both of which are essential to healing after a break-up. Your brain has withdrawals from oxytocin and it wants them to be dealt with as soon as possible – pushing you toward making irresponsible sexual decisions and placing unfair expectations on your new partner. Love yourself first, in every sense of the word, and be prepared for what the next relationship has in store for you, instead of forcing yourself to relieve your past relationships indefinitely. It might sound hokey, but it’s absolutely necessary.

“We can still be friends.”

I’ve always marveled at people who could stay friends with their exes after a bitter break-up. Once someone has crushed your feelings so completely, can you actually completely forgive them? Well, yes – but not right away. It’s impossible to be “just friends” with someone you have romantic feelings toward. Once those feelings are gone, things might be different – but they might be so different that you have no desire to be friends with this person anymore. It’s important that you focus on your mental and emotional health instead of trying to hold onto the past. It’s always going to sting a little to see when she’s moved on, but if you’ve still got feelings for her when it happens, it’s going to be devastating. Save yourself the heartache and opt to do your own thing until you’ve healed.

“It’s all her/my fault.”

Okay, so technically this one counts as two misconceptions, but the basis of both of them is exactly the same. Break-ups are very rarely (with extra emphasis on both parts) black-and-white or one-sided. Even if the relationship itself felt unbalanced, there was still one of you who frustrated the other, and the other who didn’t tackle those frustrations head-on. Everyone makes poor choices, but the wise among us learn and grow from those mistakes. Learning how to forgive can be difficult, but it’s essential that you forgive both yourself and her. I’m pretty partial to the forgiveness meditations within the Calm app myself – these forgiveness meditations are offered for free and have done wonders for improving my ability to let go of the past.

“Break-ups make you fat.”

I’ll admit that I’ve gone through a number of break-ups where I had gained a fair amount of weight by the time I met my next partner. I’ve also had break-ups where I lost a tremendous amount of weight before it was all said and done. It really comes down to how you handle it. The most successful way to handle a break-up is to use it as an opportunity to improve yourself – join a gym, start eating healthier, or just spend some time walking in nature every day. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference it makes.

“Being single again sucks.”

Many people (myself included) don’t like the feeling of being single. Humans are social creatures, after all – even the most antisocial introverts among us need some type of interaction. But that’s not singledom that sucks – it’s loneliness, and they’re not one and the same. It’s all about your attitude: Will you choose to be happy today? Have you made a plan for how to handle your new single life? And, perhaps most importantly, have you taken the time to cherish, appreciate, and revel in your freedom?

“I’ll never fall in love again.”

Of course you will. Humans are social creatures, remember? Eventually the day will come when you’re drawn to someone else, and if you’ve closed off your heart to the idea of finding love again, it’s going to be really hard to cope with the “what might have beens” that are soon to come your way. I do believe that everyone is capable of having a truly timeless love, but to be quite blunt, if you broke up… This one wasn’t it.

“It came from totally out of the blue.”

When you hear someone say this about the end of their relationship, you can guarantee that – in their mind – they are painting their ex as a saboteur of romance. But break-ups are rarely spontaneous. There are almost always signs that things are on the rocks, but many people choose to ignore what they consider “bad news.” It’s good that you choose to focus on the positives, but ignoring the fact that your relationship was on the rocks is not the right type of optimism. Someone else’s feelings are on the line here, too.

“I can get through this break-up the same way I’ve gotten through every other break-up.”

Wouldn’t it be great if you could figure out the secret formula and end all the pain of break-ups for the rest of your life? Well, that would be great – but chances are, finding that formula would get rid of the need for a break-up in the first place. It’s not a lost cause, though, as long as you’re actually learning things from the relationship. Each and every person – and every relationship – is different, so if there really is a pattern forming, there might be some tough introspection to do – repeating the exact same mistakes will never lead to new results.

“I’m already damaged, so what’s the point in trying?”

If you’ve ever thought that it was too late to improve your life, or that you were just “bad at relationships,” you’re not alone – but you’re also the victim of a fixed mindset. It’s never too late to make your life better, because humans are ever-evolving and growing into different people. As long as you’re steadily making progress towards the better version of yourself, you are improving. Even slow progress is better than no progress at all.

“I can change. I deserve another chance.”

Well… Yes and no. It’s entirely possible that you can change, but do you really want to be making those changes to appease someone else? If you’re not making changes for yourself, your motivation will waver and you will mess up. It’s part of the process. (Even if you are doing it for yourself, slip-ups happen.) These slip-ups will damage the trust, respect, and self-worth in the relationship – are you sure you want to risk resentment?

More than just that, your ex is allowed to be happy, too, and she doesn’t owe you a second chance any more than you’d owe her one. No one has the right to expect someone else put their own happiness on the back-burner to your wants. Let her go find her own happiness, and take care when cultivating yours. Your second-chance will come, but it might not be with her, and you need to accept that before you can move on.

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What To Expect When Dating An Introvert

For as long as I can remember, I’ve preferred my own company over the company of others. Some of it is anxiety, I’m sure. Some is probably insecurity.

But so much more of it is simply because I’m an introvert. I spent a lot of my childhood trying to fix my introversion – mistakenly thinking it was something I was just doing wrong. As I’ve grown up, however, I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with taking time for myself. Not only is it something I enjoy, but it’s something that I need as an introvert.

Introverts aren’t necessarily shy (although many are), they just cherish their quiet stillness and value their alone time. They recharge by themselves, as opposed to extroverts who are recharged by the energy of other people. That doesn’t mean an introvert and an extrovert aren’t compatible – it just means you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.

Introversion isn’t just one personality type.

While people are generally categorized as “an introvert” or “an extrovert,” the truth is that there is a lot of complexity within those two core types. When it comes to introverts, there’s a spectrum ranging all the way from antisocial introverts (those who would prefer to be alone because they think other people are terrible) to ambiverts (those who need time to be alone, but also need time around other people). Somewhere in the middle, there are selective introverts and shy introverts – those who are particular about the people in their lives and those who get nervous around new people, respectively.

Most introverts fall in the middle.

When you think of an introvert, you usually think of the antisocial introvert, but realistically most introverts aren’t antisocial – just selectively social. No one is in their life randomly; every day they interact with someone is a conscious choice. They are very choosy about who they get close to, so they’re not generally surrounded by a very large circle. You can trust that, if you’re in the circle of an introvert, they’ve already decided that you’re worth their time.

Introverts prefer deeper conversations.

Where extroverts can strike up a conversation with whoever they encounter, introverts don’t have such a luxury – so they’re very selective about the things they say, as well as who they say them to. Their conversations have direction and purpose, which means they’re not drawn to drama or mindless bickering. They’d prefer to work things out rather than just fight and argue.

Introverts are amazing listeners.

Introverts are attentive and thoughtful, and they take time to thoroughly process things before replying. This means that they won’t jump to hasty conclusions or speak just to hear themselves talk. They are concise with their own words, so they can better understand yours – including the ones you can’t express so well. If they can tell that it’s important to you, they’ll do their best to help you work through it.

Introverts are understanding, but they need you to understand, too.

Maybe it’s because of how much understanding they require in a relationship, but introverts tend to be some of the most understanding partners – as long as you’re not hurting them in the process. They need to feel appreciated and loved, so they’ll make sure you feel appreciated and loved. They need you to reach out first, because sometimes it’s hard to take that first step, but once the conversation starts, they’re ready to face it.

Introverts aren’t strangers to leaps of faith.

Generally speaking, introverts would prefer not to take unnecessary risks – so if the intro you’re interested in has given you the greenlight to pursue, understand that they’ve already invested a lot of thought into whether or not you’re worth it. They understand that love is a risky game to play, so just taking a chance on you is already a huge deal – make sure you’re playing fair!

Introverts need their own place to retreat.

It’s nothing personal, and it speaks nothing of your relationship, if the introvert you love needs to retreat to her own sanctuary occasionally (or often). Introverts need peace and intimacy, and they’d rather spend quality time with you than spend every minute by your side. Trust them, and respect their boundaries – the time you spend together is immensely valuable to them.

Introverts want to know their partner is satisfied.

Introverts are natural-born people-pleasers (well, with the exception of the antisocial introverts, of course). They will step out of their comfort zone if they think it will make their partner happy, and they remain concerned about their partner’s satisfaction during the entire relationship. They want to make sure you feel loved, appreciated, and happy from the first date to the very end.

Introverts are respectful whenever possible.

Your introvert love interest understands your need for personal space and privacy, because those are some of the deepest needs they have. They have high levels of emotional intelligence and would never want to impose. They also want to know that you feel your opinions are valued in the relationship, and they want you to speak up if something feels off – a roadmap to your happiness would likely be followed to the letter if you gave one.

Introverts are committed and loyal.

Relationships are a serious commitment to an introvert – they won’t enter one until after they’re sure of the other person. They may opt for loyalty before official title, and you might expect that you’re the only one they’re talking to even if you’re “just talking.” Cheating is out of the question – why would they stray from the person they’ve already committed themselves to?

Introverts will surprise you with their joy.

Just because an introvert needs a little extra time for themselves doesn’t mean that they’re boring – they just get joy from the simpler pleasures in life. The experiences they share with their most important people are precious, and they’ll enjoy those memories for years to come. To top it all off, they’ve got a witty sense of humor and are sure to make you laugh in the most unexpected ways.

15 Truths Of Falling For A Straight Girl

Let’s face it: We’ve all had a crush on a straight girl at some point in our life. Sure, sometimes we convince ourselves that she’s not really straight, or that we’ll be the exception, or any number of things we tell ourselves so we feel just a little bit better.

But, to be clear, if she tells you she’s straight… Most likely, she does identify as such, and pushing her to give you a chance is a jerk move even if she is questioning. Trust me. If she wanted to question things right now, she’ll ask – but until then, respect her identity.

All disclaimers aside, let’s move onto the 15 truths of falling for a straight girl, as told through Tumblr posts.



Cupid, can you just… Not?


Straight girls, can you just not either?


But, then again, we could be totally awesome together.


But, she’s probably going to wait until it’s too late.



And we’ll probably feel like this once we say it’s too late:


Maybe we’ll just be friends.



… or not.





“I’m so gay for you!” … Yeah, right.


It would be kinda funny, if it wasn’t also super sad.


Most of us have Googled “how to get over a straight girl.”


But this is what we end up doing instead:


Rest assured, you’re far from alone.


And it’s not really the straight girl’s fault (usually).


All in all, though, it’s best to avoid it as much as you can.

But you can’t, because life is cruel. No Tumblr for this one, just some cold-hard truth!

5 Things To Consider Before You Start Dating Your Best Friend

True story; You meet a girl, befriend her, grow close to her over a period of time, become best friends and one day realize you’re perfect for each other.

In a way, it makes sense: she listens to your pointless rants and remembers your birthday, and you obviously enjoy hanging out with her.

But like any other type of relationship, this kind of romance isn’t always that simple. A strong friendship doesn’t necessarily translate into a strong relationship. Don’t jump into anything without thinking.

Here are five questions to ask yourself before turning your best friend into your girlfriend.

1. Are your feelings more than platonic?

Think about what you feel for your best friend. There should probably be some indication that you’re interested in something more than friendship.

Do you find her attractive? Despite her flaws, can you look at her and think she’s just the right kind of beautiful for you?

Does being with her feel right? Does she make you happy when she’s around, and does she seem to get you?

Think about your relationship with her, and how you’ve felt about her throughout the relationship. Has it gotten stronger over time? That could be a sign that a relationship might just work out for you.

2. Can you guess what her reaction will be when you tell her how you feel?

This is more than whether or not she’ll tell you she feels the same way, too. Although that’s the ideal outcome and the goal of confessing, you also have to consider what her response will be if she’s not interested in you romantically.

Will she be uncomfortable by your proposal, and will your friendship be damaged by the revelation?

That’s why you need to think critically about what kind of person she is, and how will you react to her rejection.

3. Do you see a future for the two of you?

After you ask her if she wants to be more than friends and she says yes, what’s the plan?

As close friends, you probably have a general idea of what her ideas for the future are.

Before asking her, you need to critically consider what her goals are, what yours are and whether the two are compatible.

After all, unlike the typical dating process, you don’t need to go through the getting-to-know-each-other phase and can skip straight to building a relationship.

You have to think about the future of your relationship before it begins.

4. Is she involved with anyone else?

You need to think about the cause and consequences of your confession here.

Is she seeing someone else? Is she happy in her relationship? Would confessing to her compromise two of her closest relationships?

And further, are you motivated by love or feelings of jealousy?

If your best friend has a girlfriend and starts spending more time with her than you, you may start to feel upstaged and like you need to do something drastic to win her back — like make her think she should date you instead.

If you’ve been her closest friend for a while, having that spot snatched can inspire some feelings of insecurity and loss. Make sure you’re confessing for the right reasons.

5. Do you think she could be a good partner?

Here’s the big question.

You could love her from the bottom of your heart, and she might even feel the same, but will she be a good romantic partner?

Think about her romantic history, how she’s treated her girlfriends (or boyfriends) and how she treats you.

Are there any red flags that would suggest she’s not necessarily as good a partner as she is a friend?

Don’t mistake closeness for love, and don’t mistake love for compatibility. You need to consider how her behaviour towards her girlfriend might differ from behaviour towards her best friend.

Don’t blurt your feelings out without thinking about the aftermath. Evaluate your relationship with your best friend. Does it need to be taken to the next level, and can it be?

Good luck!

Is It Ever OK To Look At Your Partner’s Phone?

My girlfriend leaves her phone hanging around all the time. Every time I see it when she’s out of the room, I know, instinctively: her whole life is in that little black box.

And yes, I do get suspicious. We all do, right?!

We want to keep tabs on our significant others, but does that mean I have the right to invade her privacy by going through their phone?

Let’s face it, we are now so engrossed in our technology that we have two lives: our regular life and our phone life.

In our phone life, we are free to say and do whatever we want, sometimes doing what we wouldn’t have the confidence to say or do face-to-face or while chatting on the phone.

We can be whatever version of ourselves we want to be, and we also can have conversations we otherwise would find difficult.

It’s created both confidence and cowardice. We can be bold, but we can also ghost people like there’s no tomorrow.

We also have a myriad of apps at our disposal that can have us hanging out with our significant others while looking for a hookup later. These apps can be hidden in folders and your partner could be none the wiser.

Of course, all of this information is going to make some people nervous about what their partner is doing.

“They’ve been on their phone texting awhile. Is it someone else?”

This sort of insecurity that cheating culture, dating apps and the “but there are so many options out there for me” mentality incites has plenty of people reaching for the phones when their significant other isn’t looking.

This. Is. Not. Healthy.

When you make the decision to invade your partner’s privacy, you’re making it known you simply don’t trust her.

Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. If you don’t have it as part of the foundation, the whole thing is going to wobble and crack.

Feeling like you need to check your girlfriend’s phone to make sure she doesn’t do anything untoward simply means there’s a lack of trust on your part, and that’s not OK.

We believe we’re entitled to know everything our partner says and does, that we have the right to know all of her passwords and should be allowed to check anything we want periodically.

I’m not my girlfriend’s parent, I’m her partner. Some of the stuff she says to friends isn’t my business.

The implications of either asking to go through your significant other’s phone or being sketchy and doing it behind her back are red flags. You’re opening up the floodgates for distrust, suspicion and constant fighting.

If you think your girlfriend is doing something you don’t like, just go straight to the source and ask her directly.

Waiting until she is in the shower or in the kitchen to snoop through stuff is going to backfire spectacularly and will shift the conversation from constructive to destructive pretty quickly.

If you are constantly suspicious regardless of assurances that nothing is going on, then maybe you should reconsider the relationship as a whole.

Invading someone else’s privacy because of insecurity or what you see on TV or hear from your friends — or whatever it is that has you diving for the phone — is not OK.

Open up the lines of communication and always make sure there is ironclad trust between you and the person you’re choosing to be with.




33 Lesbian Remakes Someone Needs to Make Already

Have you ever wished you could see a remake of one of your favorite movies, but without the heteronormative relationships thrown in? Me, too, trust me. That’s why I’ve decided to make this list of 33 movies that really, really need a lesbian remake already. Who’s going to make these happen?

1. Love Actually

…except the entire cast of The L Word comes back to play all of the characters. I don’t even care how bad it would be… I just want to see it.

2. Bend It Like Beckham

Once they’re done stressing over all the homophobic insults thrown their way through the whole thing, Jess and Jules would just kiss at the end and be like “lol yep you were right” and everyone would be happy.

3. Clueless

Only, in this version, Tai gives Cher the most glorious makeover with plaid and Doc Martens, and they live happily ever after… No creepy sort-of-incest thing like what occurred in the original.

4. Juno

Since Ellen Page would actually be playing a lesbian in this one, she wouldn’t get pregnant, of course… But she’d still keep that epic level of snark that we all love her for.

5. The Notebook

Exactly the same as it is now, except it’s a lesbian couple, and instead of ending up in the hospital, they get married at a lovely old age because it’s finally legal. Everyone cries twice as much as they did for the original.

6. Step Up

In this one, Jenna Dewan plays both leads – no Channing Tatum necessary. The dancers are all awesome queer who totally rock it, because… hello… they’re awesome queer women. (Plus, twice as much Jenna Dewan? Yes, please.)

7. Adventureland

Jesse Eisenberg’s character is played by Ellen Page instead, and we get to see K-Stew and E-Page have a torrid summer love affair. Aw, yeah. (Even though Kristen Stewart’s character was totally horrible in that movie, and Ellen Page definitely deserves better.)

8. Bring It On

Can you just imagine Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union together? I can, and it’s a glorious fantasy. They end up having a secret love affair and getting kicked off their teams for falling for “the enemy,” but it turns out that lesbian love (and cheerleading) trump everything else.

9. Grease

Danny becomes Dani, the leather biker butch, and Sandy gets progressively gayer as the movie moves forward. Everything else is pretty much the same.

10. Brokeback Mountain

Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams as the cow[girl]s, and the husbands are just obliviously in the background because men didn’t really pay attention to their wives much back then anyway. Perfect.

11. Mean Girls

Regina, Cady, and Janice practically had a lesbian love triangle going on in the original movie, but in the lesbian remake, we’d be able to see them kiss. Everyone’s a winner.

12. Mulan

How can you have a story about a woman who dresses in men’s clothing, and make her marry her “Prince Charming” in the end? I think not.

13. My Big Fat Greek Lesbian Wedding

Need I say more?

14. Twilight

In this version, it turns out that Edward and Jacob are fighting over Bella to impress each other – so when they run off together, Bella makes out with Alice and it’s infinitely better than the original.

15. Titanic

Jack is now played by Natalie Portman, but with the exact same costume design. However, Jack[ie] and Rose both survive and they end up opening an illegal speakeasy in New York at the end. (Can you imagine how much better that car scene would be, though?)

16. Whip It

Ellen Page realizes that the band guy is a total waste of her time and has sex in the diner with her BFF instead. I mean, just picture Ellen Page and Alia Shawkat together for a second…

17. Ghostbusters (2016 version)

I mean, how could Kate McKinnon not end up making out with anyone in that movie? Let’s try this one again, and this time, sprinkle in more than a wink and a nod to Kate’s uber-sexiness.

18. But I’m a Cheerleader

I think we all need a little follow-up to see how Graham and Megan are getting on now that they’ve been happily in a relationship for the last 7 years… The fans deserve to know.

19. Chicago

More sex scenes, preferably between Catherine Zeta Jones and Queen Latifah. But really, any f/f pairing will do… There are so many options…

20. The Sound of Music

Could we just have a little hint that the nuns are using “lesbian sex isn’t real sex” as a loophole to their vows of celibacy?

21. Thelma and Louise

How these two weren’t already lesbians is beyond me… But instead of driving off the cliff this time, they end up settling down in Suburbia and live happily ever after.

22. She’s the Man

Viola ends up liking the short hair and dapper look and decides she’s never going back. Besides, the boys in her life are way too much trouble, anyway.

23. Pitch Perfect

Anna Kendrick has already said she’d be down to make out with Brittany Snow in the next installment – so why not redo the whole thing with a lesbian subplot and get rid of Creepy Movie Fan altogether?

24. The Hunger Games

Let’s be real – this is another movie where the guys are more trouble than they’re worth. Katniss and Johanna, though… That I could get behind.

25. Cruel Intentions

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair already got it started – why were they both fighting over Ryan Phillippe in the first place? I mean, he was a total douche anyway, and he played Kathryn’s step-brother… Ew.

26. 10 Things I Hate About You

I can’t be the only one who wished that Julia Stiles would just say that the reason she wasn’t really into guys was… Because… She really wasn’t into guys?

27. Pride and Prejudice

Darcy is another jerk, so why didn’t Lizzie just run off with Charlotte and make the best of her options really count?

28. Jenny’s Wedding

Here’s yet another one that could have been improved by adding Ellen Page… I’m sure of it. We can even leave the other two in with their not-so-sexy sex scenes. I’d be fine with that.

29. When Harry Met Sally

Meg Ryan and Carrie Fisher would have been so cute together, and Carrie’s character even had that stereotypically-lesbian haircut going for her anyway…

30. Bridget Jones

Need revenge? Sleep with the hot girl at the New York Office. They find out that their revenge-affair was really where it was at, and no one ever speaks to Daniel again. The end.

31. The Princess Diaries

Seriously, the world needs a lesbian queen – and who better to play one than Anne Hathaway? She’s already a big supporter of gay rights, and Heather Matarazzo has played a lesbian before… So… Why not?

32. Heathers

More sex, less death, everyone lives happily ever after.

33. Cheaper by the Dozen

Instead of a straight couple with a bunch of kids, it’s now a lesbian couple with 12 cats. What more could you ask for?

What movie would you want to see done in a lesbian remake?

Let us know in the comments!

Who is Your Queer Celebrity Crush, According to Your Zodiac Sign?

Aquarius: Rachel Maddow

The highly-cerebral Aquarius needs someone who is educated and opinionated. You enjoy having a good conversation and debating your beliefs, and you need a partner who knows how to turn on your brain before anything else.

Thankfully, Rachel Maddow is a smart and savvy political commentator who knows her way around an argument – and, we’re assuming she knows her way around your dreams, too. If you’re looking for someone who will stimulate your mind and your body, look no further.

Pisces: Kristen Stewart

As a Pisces, you are known for your sensitive and passionate nature. You yearn for a partner with emotional depth and range, who isn’t going to push you too far out of your comfort zone. Thankfully, since Kristen Stewart came out late last year (or earlier this year, depending on your perspective), she’s also revealed that there is a huge hidden layer we never gave her credit for. She has a large well of emotions to draw from, which will serve as the perfect complement to your soft, gentle nature.

Aries: Ruby Rose

Aries women are notoriously sensual, and they have a strong need to be seduced. Their high sex drive is often hidden behind their need for spontaneity, so they’re best suited to be with someone who will lure it out of them. Lucky you – Ruby Rose is single again, and she’s the perfect grown-up indulgence to put your inner child to bed. This androgynous goddess oozes sex appeal, and she’s also pretty fun, too – just what you need to fill your deepest fantasies.

Taurus: Angelina Jolie

Stubborn Taurus takes some time to warm up, but once she’s thoroughly stimulated, she’s a sensual vixen with a one-track mind. This goes perfect with the strong sexuality of Angelina Jolie. Known worldwide for her highly seductive look and her deeply accepting nature, you can bet that she’ll stand up against you when you’re clinging just a bit too hard to the wrong side of things. She’ll stimulate you on every level, and remind you to get outside your head sometimes, too.

Gemini: Halsey

Gemini women are known for their flighty nature. In fact, when you’re bored as easily as you are, you crave excitement, passion, and challenges more than anything else. You’re particularly attracted to the musical and poetic types, as they tend to be exciting and romantic and complex, all at the same time. The soulful and fascinating Halsey is a great choice for you, because she feels the entire spectrum of human emotion and she’s willing to take risks. The only question is, can you keep up?

Cancer: Miley Cyrus

Cancer is one of the most sensitive of all the signs, and those who fall under the crab sign are often cautious to a fault. They need a strong, outspoken woman to lead the way and bring out their inner sex goddess. We think that Miley Cyrus is a great crush for you, because she is definitely not shy. She’ll push you way out of your comfort zone, but only after she’s done all the hard work of pursuing you. Of course, she might embarrass you from time to time – but isn’t that what your crush is supposed to do?

Leo: Cara Delevingne

Leo women are turned on by a challenge. They enjoy being in charge, but it’s no fun if they don’t have to work for it. What they desire most is someone who’s even wilder than they are, who will still keep them in check when needed. The sexy and fun Cara Delivingne loves the attention and the spotlight. She’s sexy, stubborn, and sarcastic – everything we love in our queer celebs. Plus, her wild streak will easily make yours look tame – and isn’t that what you wanted?

Virgo: Suze Orman

Virgo women crave control and stability. They’ll pick a partner who can give them security and structure over a woman with charm any day. Suze Orman is just the person your responsible self needs. Not only does she have perfect credit, but she’s also got impeccable future-planning skills – and the decency to not waste your time if it’s not going to work out.

Libra: Samira Wiley

Libras have the biggest heart out of all the signs, so they need a crush who’s trustworthy and good at listening. Now, I don’t know exactly why, but Samira Wiley just has that soft, safe vibe that just makes you want to tell you all her secrets. Plus, she’s adorable, and she gives off such a positive energy. What more could you ask for?

Scorpio: Michelle Rodriguez

Scorpio women are blessed with an amazing combination of fierce intellect and strong sex appeal. This makes them a prized catch, but they won’t settle for anyone who can’t keep up with them – in the bedroom and in the conversation. The hypersexual Michelle Rodriguez is a great choice in both areas, because she is powerful and witty, and she’ll head up the conversation and keep you on your toes. (And besides – you can’t pretend your heart didn’t skip a beat when she came out.)

Sagittarius: Samantha Ronson

Sagittarius women are free spirits who crave adventure. They’re most in their element when they are traveling the world, living the party life, and having a good time. Samantha Robin lives this lifestyle every single day and she loves it. She can get you into pretty much any bar or club you want, anywhere in the world, and she literally brings the party with her when she walks in the door. Be still, fluttering heart.

Capricorn: Tig Notaro

Capricorn women need to laugh before anything else – but that lowbrow humor just won’t do. In order to seduce you, a woman has to offer smart humor that will make you think before making your sides hurt. Tig Notaro is just the comedic genius that Capricorns need. Her style is witty, but funny, and she’s also kinda friends with Ellen Degeneres – wouldn’t that be cool?

17 Ways to Make the Most Out Of Your Long-Term Relationship

Getting ready to enter a long-distance relationship? Make sure you’re remembering these 17 tips first.

1. See it as an opportunity.

Truly, there isn’t much that challenges a relationship quite as much as going long-distance. If you look at this challenge as a test of your love, it might even make you a bit anxious. But when you understand that it’s an opportunity to do your own thing without being selfish, you’ll have a much easier time coping with the distance.

2. Avoid talking too much.

Many people think that you need to compensate for the distance by talking more than you would if you lived in the same town. While this almost makes sense, in theory, it’ll most likely make everything worse. Focus on the quality of your communication, rather than the frequency, and things will go much more smoothly.

3. Keep each other in the loop.

While you don’t want to spend every waking moment blowing up your partner’s phone, you do need to keep each other abreast of what’s going on in your lives. It’s a nice idea to update her about your family, if you’re close with them (and especially if she’s close with them), or to let her know about the promotion you’re trying for at work. And, when in doubt, a picture is worth a thousand words.

4. Set some ground rules as early as possible.

Ground rules are important to define and revise in any relationship, but in a long-distance relationship they’re absolutely essential. You’ll need to manage your expectations together, so that neither of you feels trapped or abandoned. You’ll need to clarify whether you’ll stay exclusive, or just how far you’re committed across the distance. There’s no single answer that works for everyone, but honesty is always a great place to start.

5. Avoid casting any doubt or insecurity.

If there’s something on your agenda that you know your partner wouldn’t appreciate, you’ve got two options: Either don’t do the thing, or talk to your partner about it beforehand so you can calm any concerns she may have. Telling her after the fact will only breed doubt. When you recognize a tricky situation for what it is, you can avoid the relationship traps that might lay ahead.

6. Learn each other’s schedules and routines.

Especially if you live in different time zones. It’s helpful to know when your messages are going to be a welcome distraction, and when they’re pulling her away from something important. By understanding each other’s schedules, you’re not only minimizing the stress you add to each other’s lives, but you’re also maximizing the support you can give. She’s got a big test or a job interview coming up? Help her study or wish her luck!

7. Stay positive, as much as possible.

Waiting can be painful, but a bad attitude can turn it into an excruciating nightmare. Remember the good times you’ve had in the past, and look forward to the good times that are yet to come. It won’t be like this forever, so learn to be grateful for the way things are now. I recommend keeping a gratitude journal, but then again, I recommend keeping a journal for everything, so what do I know?

8. Loan her something that represents you.

Humans, in general, tend to assign arbitrary values to things based on who they came from. My partner, for example, won’t throw away the shirts she’s had since junior high, because her grandma bought them for her. A small memento for your partner to think of you will be cherished the entire time you’re apart. Ask for one in return, too – these sentimental tokens can be traded back once you’re reunited for good.

9. Cultivate pet names and inside jokes.

It’s rough to keep bonding over a long distance, but with cutesy pet names and inside jokes, you can grow closer just by sharing the little things that no one else understands. Was she full of static electricity on your last road trip together? No one else needs to know why you call her “Sparky” – only you. Any other inside jokes are great, too, because it’s a shared memory that’ll bring a smile to your face every time.

10. Get intimate over the phone.

Talking dirty can be an uncomfortable activity, but it’s been shown to be connected to better sex – so it’s a good idea to get comfortable with it. Dirty talking lets you safely explore your sexual fantasies, and it helps open the discussion for how you’ll get busy when you get back together. (Plus, doing the deed yourself can get a little boring after a while – might as well call her so she can help!)

11. Nurture your social circle.

Long-distance partners have the ultimate luxury: A partner who is (metaphorically) standing by their side, and the ability to spend time with all of the people their partner doesn’t particularly care for, without someone ending up bored or annoyed. It’s a win-win! Take advantage of this time to grow your personal network, meet new people, and catch up with your family.

12. Savor your alone time, too.

One of the reasons introverts make such great long-distance partners is because they already know how to harness their alone time for their maximum potential. LDR’s leave room for each partner to learn and grow as a person. You can pursue your own hobbies, while reveling in the fact that you’re not just dragging someone else along for the ride. You’re each on your own journey – you’re just sharing notes until your paths cross again.

13. Send her old-fashioned snail mail.

Let’s face it: Everyone loves mail that isn’t a bill or an advertisement. When you take the time to send your partner a hand-written letter or a hand-made gift, you’re telling her that she’s worth the extra time it takes. You could have just sent a text, but instead you sent a teddybear, flowers, or a musical card – she’ll be ecstatic! You even have the element of surprise working in your favor – she won’t even see it coming.

14. Discover shared hobbies and interests.

With all the time you’re spending apart, it’s important to find some common ground. Shared interests and hobbies help bridge the divide by giving you something to talk about. Maybe it’s a book you’re both reading, similar classes you’re taking, or a collection you’re adding to separately. Either way, you’ll automatically be reminded of her every time you participate in that activity, and she’ll always feel just a little bit closer.

15. Visit each other whenever you reasonably can.

No relationship can survive purely within your imagination – you need to actually see each other when you can. That doesn’t have to be every week, or even every month, but it needs to happen on a schedule that works well for you and your budget. Once you do get that time together, make the most of it – participate in some of those shared hobbies, catch a good movie, and snuggle up together in silence. It really is the little things.

16. Do things together, even when you’re apart.

Just because you’re separated by however many cities, countries, or time zones, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have “date nights.” Video chats work well for this purpose, or you can share a walk over a phone call. No matter what you’re into, make sure you’re carving out some time to do something with her that counts as a date. It seems complicated in theory, but once you get started, it’s much easier than you think.

17. Have an endgame in mind.

Finally, your long-distance relationship can’t stay long-distance forever – at some point in time, you’ll want a different situation figured out. Make plans for your future together, and make sure you’re setting yourself up for happiness. Setting a deadline might even make the time pass quicker, too – try it and see!

Why Eye Contact Is The Ultimate Foreplay

When trying to turn on the woman you love, sometimes a simple look can hold all the answers.

For many women, the idea of arousing their partner can be difficult to manage. Sometimes, she’s stressed out and really not feeling the idea of intimacy. Sure, you love each other – and in theory that should be enough to charge the spark – but what about when it’s not?

In speaking to my current partner, I was told that my eyes are a dead giveaway when I’m in the mood. She swears that they’re brighter, even glowing, when I’m feeling frisky. I personally have never verified this, but she’s not the first person I’ve heard it from, so maybe it’s true.

Even if you don’t have color changing eyes, though, it’s quite likely that your lover will notice subtle changes in them. Our eyes respond to our emotions in their own ways, and the woman who pays closest attention to them is sure to pick up on these hints. I’m sure you can tell with her eyes, too, even if you might not notice it right away.

Her eyes will speak to you, and they’ll speak volumes. If you pay attention to the patterns, you’ll pick up on these changes – and chances are, if you know what you’re looking for, seeing that light in her eyes will ignite a fire within you as well.

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It’s important to realize that this probably won’t work on someone you’ve just met. That old saying “the eyes are the windows to the soul” implies that you’ll have to hold a piece of her soul (metaphorically speaking, of course) in order to see into it.

If you’ve got an emotional connection as well as a sexual one – even if the emotion isn’t as deep as “love” – you’ll be able to channel these emotions into a deeper, more satisfying sexual experience.

Ladies, nothing worth having happens overnight – and this little trick is no exception. There are people who think that love is a necessary prerequisite to sexual satisfaction, and indeed there are people that see it the other way around.

If you want to build a connection that allows you to get her ready without touching her, you’ll have to arouse her mind first. Prove to her that you have what she needs, and she’ll melt.

6 Ways to Start a Conversation With A Woman You Like

Are you using the wrong pick-up lines to get a date?

With the increase in online dating, it’s no wonder that women are getting easier to find. However, just because they’re easier to find doesn’t mean that they’re easier to date – and in fact, their options have opened up just as much as yours have.

Therefore, you must be on your best game in order to ensure you get a good reply.

All of these conversation styles can be applied to women met through other outlets, as well – please don’t think that you’re limited to sending these in a message.

We at KitschMix definitely encourage our readers to meet people in “the real world”, while also being aware that they might not be seeking people exclusively offline.

Regardless of how you meet, you’re going to need to blow her away to get her attention, and the technique required can be different from woman to woman.

Stick to your strengths, and gauge your interest’s willingness to accept that conversational style before continuing.

If it’s obviously not working, you’ll need to decide whether to move onto another technique, or to simply move onto another target.

Method #1: Humor


For those with a good sense of humor, it’s often important for them to find a partner that shares those interests. Picture yourself watching comedy movies with her on your first date, or watching cat videos together after you move in together. Does it seem like she’s the type of person who would love these things? Do you think you have jokes of your own? Try them out on her to see how she responds.

Possible pick-up line: You say, “Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?” When she responds with a simple “no”, you reply with “Well, enough to break the ice.” Then you introduce yourself and see where it goes from there. It won’t work on every lady, but if you get a chuckle and a smile out of it, isn’t that a reward of its own?

Method #2: Seduction


A fair amount of women will respond positively to subtle sensual advances. I definitely don’t mean that you should send naked pictures unsolicited – this can get ugly real fast if she’s turned off by the idea or if she’s not interested in you. Some women can be cruel and pass these pictures along to others. (Admittedly, I’ve done something like this after receiving unsolicited nudes – I wasn’t interested, so I forwarded the picture to a BFF to gossip.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t very nice – but it’s something you’ve got to consider as a possibility whenever you give someone naked pictures of yourself, regardless of how well you know them.)

Instead of sending nude pictures, you can subtly hint at the things you would do to her if you got her to yourself. Subtlety is key here, as some women are not attracted to blatant sexuality, and may reject you if you’re too vulgar with them too early on. But, if she seems willing to accept the sexual attention right off the bat – feel free to continue at a rate that is comfortable for the both of you.

Possible pick-up line: “If you’re feeling down, I can feel you up.” Okay, so this sort of falls in the humor category – but as I said, it’s important to not be blatantly sexual right out the gate. If it gets to that point, great! But consider if a sexual relationship is your primary goal before you push it to that point. Another good one we’ve found is “I’m afraid of the dark, will you sleep with me tonight?”

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Method #3: Mad Listening Skills


I feel that this should be something everyone gets comfortable with. It’s not always about being the one to do the most talking – often women want an ear to listen to them before it gets to anything too serious. Get to know her by asking some questions. Make sure you’re not prying with questions that are too intrusive, but do allow her to tell you the things she’s comfortable telling you.

Possible pick-up line: Honestly, don’t use one. If you’re taking this approach, you should simply be friendly and open to whatever she has to tell you.

You might find out that you’re not compatible as lovers, but you’d work great as friends – go with that! There’s always a chance that this friendship could turn into something more in the future, and if you reject the option of being friends, you’ll never know what might have been.

Method #4: Impress Her


This particular method is difficult to master, as not all women are attracted to power, money, etc. But, for those who are, it can be helpful if you elude to things that could be considered attractive qualities. Don’t overdo it, or you’ll just sound cocky, and definitely don’t lie – if she finds out later that you were being untruthful, she’s likely going to end the relationship, and I can’t say that I’d blame her.

Possible pick-up line: Offer to buy her a drink or some other small token, if you’d like to show her you’ve got money to spare. If you have a nice car, offer to take her for a ride in it. If you own your own business (and it’s something that could benefit her if you were together), offer to show her around. Again, these aren’t certain to work for everyone, but some women like a lady who’s established. Use that to your advantage if you can!

Method #5: Intelligence


For some women, the way to their heart is through their brain. Show her your smarts by offering to take her on a date to a book store instead of a restaurant. Don’t turn this into a competition – some women don’t have a focus on high intelligence, and that’s fine. Don’t force her to recognize your intelligence right away or you could come across as arrogant and pretentious – and no one wants that.

Possible pick-up line: Consider some trivia you might know, that she might not. Make sure you don’t make it up, though – if she values intelligence, chances are she’s smart enough to see through a made-up fact, and if she doesn’t value your intelligence, you’re wasting your time making something up.

Method #6: Surprise Her


With some women, there’s really no telling what would attract them. For these women, it may be best to combine all the other methods into something that will show her you’re a total catch. Ideally, if you were to be in a relationship with her, you’d be showing her all these things anyway, right? Why not get it started right away?

Overall, the most important thing to realize is that every woman is different, and no two ladies will be attracted by the same pick-up line. You don’t necessarily need to master all the different conversation styles, as it’s better to be genuine anyway, but you should be aware that there’s no such thing as the “perfect approach”. Figure out what works for you, and aim to attract a woman who is responsive to this technique. You’re going to get rejected sometimes no matter how good your approach is, but you should be able to identify what your personal strengths are and apply them to your pursuits.

True Love Isn’t Something You Find, It’s Something You Build

Stop wasting your time looking for love – you won’t find it that way.

Some time ago, I found myself pining for some female attention. I didn’t really care where the attention came from, really; I was just recovering from a long relationship (four years together, seven years involved) and I didn’t really know how to be single anymore.

So, I dated a few girls, and none of them was really what I wanted. I thought maybe I was just setting my expectations too high – after all, nobody’s perfect right?

Well… Wrong.

If you’re trying to force someone into a box, they’re not going to fit, and that’s a fact. When we actively seek love, we miss out on many of the things that come with a good relationship: friendship, sex, attraction – the works.

Love is important, but “love at first sight” is a load of bull that sells movies, but doesn’t pan out in the real world.

However, if you just relax and let someone be who they are – you could fall in love with just about anyone. True love isn’t about fitting into some criteria, it’s about an emotional connection, and you really can’t have that strong of a bond right away.

You can’t predict who you’ll fall in love with, and certainly not if you’re trying to find someone who fits into that imaginary box.

Let me rewind to a few months before I met my current girlfriend. This was also a few months after that long-term relationship ended, and essentially I was looking for someone who was as different from my ex as possible.

Some friends introduced me to someone, who seemed like a perfect fit. She was intelligent, funny, snarky, gainfully employed, and musically obsessed – just like me. We stayed up texting all night long, several nights out of the week, and I often found myself exhausted when I went to work in the morning – because I’d rather talk to her than go to sleep.

But, she wasn’t willing to give me what I wanted in a relationship – or, she wasn’t willing to give me a relationship at all. Sure, we talked every day without fail, and I was incredibly attracted to her personality, and essentially she was everything I sought in a partner. But it was one-sided.

She couldn’t offer me exclusivity, which was a requirement I had. She couldn’t come to see me when I wanted her to, because she had other commitments.

I wasn’t really jealous of these commitments, because I had commitments of my own – but we’d often go weeks or even a month in between seeing each other, even though we lived in the same town.

I desperately wanted her to meet all of my requirements. Surely, I thought, it couldn’t be so hard to convince her to settle down with me. After all, I’m a catch!

One night, I ended up going to a party. I had wanted her to come along, but she couldn’t – I don’t remember the reason. I ended up making a new friend at that party, and we got along great.

This friend was a gay man who had a lot in common with me – we were both recovering addicts, we had both lost a substantial amount of weight recently and were unsure of how to process the recent attention, and basically we just clicked. But alas – this article isn’t about him.

Some time later, while I was on Facebook talking to the girl described above, I received a message from the cousin of this new friend – saying she found me on his page and thought I was incredibly attractive.

I had strong feelings for the girl I was talking to at the time, and I was initially unwilling to give her the time of day. I politely explained that I didn’t consider myself “available” at the moment, but I was definitely flattered by her compliments.

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She persisted, respectfully. She messaged me every day to check in and see how things were going, and she never stepped over any lines with my pseudo-relationship with the other girl. She wasn’t exactly “my type”, per se, where this other girl was – but I allowed the friendship to grow.

Over time, the “perfect girl” I was talking to started to seem less and less perfect. I longed for someone who would value the time I put into the relationship (or lack thereof), and someone who truly cared about how I was doing, and not just whether I was available for a little fling when she wanted it. (Please note, there’s nothing wrong with “a fling” – it can be great! As long as you both agree that’s what you want.)

This “perfect girl” started dodging my messages, which left me feeling like I wasn’t worthy of her attention – so I tried harder. Meanwhile, this “girl on the side” would be there for me, listen to my problems when I needed someone to lean on, and if I got grumpy due to a feeling of sexual neglect – she would flirtatiously imply that she could satisfy my needs if I needed her to.

Of course, I shrugged it off. “My heart is already taken by someone else.”

Inside, I knew this wasn’t really true either.

One day, Perfect Girl and I decided that we were going to give up on the possibility of a relationship “in the future”, which is all I was ever able to secure from her.

It was Christmas eve, and in my hurt I decided I was going to act on the attention I had been receiving from Side Girl. (I’ll admit, this isn’t really the most mature response to a failed would-be relationship.)

I ended up spending three days with this Side Girl – we talked, we cuddled, we bonded, and – yes, we had incredible sex, too. I’m not typically one to advocate for sex on the first date, but sometimes it happens, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.

Once Perfect Girl heard about this date, she was instantly interested in me again. She started making promises to come see me more, and she feigned interest in my two jobs. She applauded my dedication to “the hustle” and she vowed to make up for the lack of effort on her part.

I allowed her back in, still holding onto the idea that she was a perfect fit for all of my “requirements” in a girlfriend – with the exception of the exclusivity.

I cast the Side Girl back to the side – which wasn’t fair to her. I denied any connection we had, because I wanted so bad to find love with Perfect Girl. I knew she wasn’t as perfect as she had originally seen, but I couldn’t get past it.

Until one day I found out she was talking garbage about me to one of my best friends – who of course told me.

Perfect Girl said I was “too crazy” for her, and that I was suffocating her with my attempts to create love where it simply didn’t exist. I wanted to give her one more chance to prove that she cared about me, but I didn’t want to limit myself to her anymore.

I explained to PG and SG that I wanted to see them both and “test the waters”, if you will.

Perfect Girl knew all along that she wasn’t the right fit for what I wanted, though, and it didn’t take long for her to step back from me. We didn’t talk every day anymore – more like a few times a week.

Meanwhile, Side Girl started talking to me more and more. She didn’t drive, but she would come to see me every weekend anyway. She matched my effort and convinced me that, even though she wasn’t “my type”, she was just as worthy of my love as I was of hers.

We became more serious as time went on, and eventually I admitted that I had feelings for her, too – feelings that I was too afraid to admit because I was so hung up on the other girl.

Once I was comfortable, I let the other girl hit the road – but I didn’t promise my exclusivity to Side Girl yet.

Eventually, Perfect Girl disappeared from my life. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but one day I just noticed that it had been awhile since I’d heard from her – so I went to send her a message and I found out I’d been blocked.

Turns out she hadn’t been so perfect, after all, and I had been too focused on the woman who actually treated me like I deserved to even notice right away.

It’s now been almost exactly two years since Side Girl and I started talking, and about a year and a half since we entered a committed relationship – and I’ve never been so satisfied in a relationship.

We didn’t start off trying to be anything we weren’t, but we ended up way closer than what I had with the girl I wanted to find love with.

Basically, because I stopped looking for love.

Ladies, if you set yourself up to look for love – you’ll never find it. Anyone who can enter into “true love” immediately, likely doesn’t know what true love really is – and is just in love with the idea of being in love.

True love takes time to grow. You start as friends, and slowly build on it until it’s something more than that. You may be compatible in ways that you couldn’t see from the start – like my situation.

The criteria I thought I needed out of a relationship turned out to be all wrong, and I only found what my true needs were after I had given up on satisfying all my wants.

My partner and I are now planning our wedding – a long journey from my initial disregard of her. If you’d asked me two years ago if I’d marry her some day, I never would have expected to – and that’s the beauty of it.

Secretly she was hiding literally every single trait that Perfect Girl was missing, even though she was lacking some of the “requirements” that Perfect Girl met. I had disregarded her because she wasn’t “perfect”, but I was unwilling to accept that Perfect Girl wasn’t, either.

The biggest difference between them was that one was set in what she had to offer, and had no chance to improve – and the other viewed herself, and our relationship, as a “work in progress”.

I understand that it can be tough to recognize these “work in progress” relationships for their full potential. We don’t want a “fixer-upper”. Our generation relies on instant gratification, and tends to overlook the fact that you can have quickness or you can have lastingness. Personally, I’d prefer a relationship that lasts.

Why It’s Toxic To Hold Out For Your Ex

We’ve all been there – that one person you don’t want to give up on. We need to realize that this is probably not the healthiest approach to our love lives.

Every now and then in every woman’s life, there’s going to be one (or more) partner that you just can’t get over, despite knowing internally that you should. The relationship has ended, but you’ve still got feelings – often understandably so. Our inner “hopeless romantic” may tell us that this relationship is “meant to be”.

We may be worried that we’ll never find anyone who’s as good of a fit as this woman was. These are both flawed thought processes that can lead to a number of problems down the road.

Often times, holding out is simply holding onto false hope.

We like the idea of waiting for an ex because, in a way, it’s romantic. The relationship was over, but the love wasn’t. This is a cute idea, when it happens in movies, but the reality is when the relationship is over, there’s usually a reason.

Sometimes these reasons aren’t apparent to us, and other times we don’t agree with the reasons. In theory, these issues aren’t a problem – the problem is when you ignore the logic and reason laid out and instead sit back and wait for them to change their mind.

Sometimes we make mistakes, and breaking up with someone may very well be one of them. But you can’t determine, on your own, that the break-up was a mistake – there are, after all, other parties involved, and if you don’t both want to be together, the relationship won’t work.

It can be emotionally damaging to learn that you’re not “the exception”.

Internally, we all know that it’s best to not assume we’re the exception to the rule. That’s a simpler idea in theory than it is in practice, however, and if we expect that the situation isn’t as it appears, we can be devastated when we find out that it was, in fact, completely transparent.

I personally have been a victim of “exception thinking” on multiple occasions. I assumed that it would be different with me than it was for others, and… Well, you know what they say about assuming.

It can distract you from other, potentially better relationships.

If you’re holding onto your ex long after the break-up, it can remove you as an option in the dating pool. While we tend to consider ourselves off the market when this happens anyway, the truth is you’ll never know if the girl you’re ignoring could be “the one” for you.

If you reject someone simply because they’re not the person you’re holding out for, you could be missing out on a wonderful possibility.

Of course, it’s also possible that the woman pining for your attention now is worse than your ex, but you’ll never know if you don’t consider it a possibility. Some relationships don’t have the greatest outcomes. But some are wonderful.

There’s a reason the relationship ended.

Chances are, if you’re still in love with your ex, these reasons will seem “wrong” to you. Your nostalgia will put you on the path to remembering only the good times and ignoring the bad – which is fundamentally flawed in its own way.

You’ll need to remember the specific reasons why you broke up. If it was something your partner did, remember that this behavior isn’t likely to change simply because it’s been brought to light – she will have to actually consciously work on the problem in order for it to not be a problem in the future. That’s not to say that people don’t change, but they don’t change overnight and they certainly don’t change without effort.

On the other hand, if the problems leading to the relationship were due to your indiscretions or flaws, you’ll need to fully evaluate them. Just as with your ex, you won’t change simply because you’re aware of a problem.

If it’s something you have no control over (or only limited control), your ex isn’t likely to be satisfied if these criteria aren’t met. If it is something in your power to change, you’ll have to decide whether you’re willing to do so in order to begin working on it.

And, of course, if it’s something like dishonesty or unfaithfulness, these may be components of your personality that make you poorly suited to the particular relationship.

The right person may be out there without you having to change anything about yourself – but this is something you’ll have to evaluate for yourself.

You deserve better.

This is probably the most subjective item on this list. Truly, you deserve to be with someone who values you as you are. It’s not fair that you should be forced to change yourself to meet someone else’s requirements, but likewise it’s not fair that someone else should be forced to change their requirements to fit what you have to offer.

The right person is out there for everyone – but if you and your ex have broken up, chances are, that relationship wasn’t as “meant to be” as it may have seemed in the beginning.