Tag Archives: lesbian relationships

16 Shows With Happy Endings For Their Queer Female Characters

It should go without saying, but… This post is gonna have some spoilers in it. Just getting that out of the way ahead of time.

The past few years have been a miracle in terms of queer representation on TV. More and more shows are starting to include (or at least allude to) non-heteronormative storylines, even if the LGBT characters aren’t the greatest representation of queer culture at large.

Still, even with all the representation we get these days, it’s still really, really hard to find a show that not only has queer characters, but lets them stay alive and partnered up and… You know… Not total jerks. (Sigh, PLL… Why did you have to make the only transgender character a psychopath, who then dies in a horrible way? And, of course, there have been two other queer ladies to die in that show, too. But I digress.)

With all that being said, there are a few shows which offered their lady-loving-ladies a happy ending when the show ended. Join us as we count them down now:

1. Ellen and Laurie, Ellen (1998)

It might be safe to assume that Ellen DeGeneres wouldn’t have allowed for her own character to have a horrible ending… But still, Ellen and Laurie finish out the show by confirming their commitment to each other, with the vow that they would be legally married as soon as it was possible to do so. 17 years later, it finally was – so the fandom should rejoice that the couple (presumably) made it down the aisle eventually.

2. Helen and Nikki, Bad Girls (2001)

Most jailhouse romances don’t seem to make it – partially because there’s the twisted idea that what happens behind bars “doesn’t really count.” Regardless, though, Helen and Nikki ended up running off into the proverbial sunset together, promising to take things slow onto the future. Aww. Slow-moving lesbian couples are my favorite.

3. Jessie and Katie, Once and Again (2002)

As a huge Evan Rachel Wood fan, it always makes me super happy to see her in anything… Even if she’s not playing a queer character. However, her character in Once and Again was definitely queer, and the two were still together when the show was cancelled. We can only assume that they’re still together 14 years later, because hello, who doesn’t dream of marrying their high school sweetheart? (At least, you dream of that while you’re with that person. I’m sure things change if you break up. I didn’t exactly have a high school sweetheart, so I can’t confirm.)

4. Willow and Kennedy, Buffy (2003)

Okay, okay… Kennedy isn’t Tara, and maybe we all hated her for that for a little while. But, to be fair, Willow seemed pretty happy with her – and they were still together when the show ended. TBH, our opinion about their relationship doesn’t matter as much as their happiness in their relationship, am I right? I’m right. Just trust me on this one.

5. Carol and Susan, Friends (2004)

Again, regardless of how you feel about the couple – and the fact that they were often paraded in front of poor Ross’s face at every available opportunity – there’s no doubt that they made each other happy. They even got married and raised little Ben together as a couple. Plus, Lea DeLaria and Candance Gingrich were in attendance at their wedding, which sort of gives them extra cool points. (We all wish we had such cool lesbian friends. Don’t even try to pretend you don’t.)

6. Melanie and Lindsay, Queer as Folk (2005)

Does it count as “happily ever after” if you break up and then get back together? I’d like to think it does. When they moved to Canada to get away from the US government, the rest of the LGBT community in the United States wanted to be right there with them. Sadly… I’m still stuck in the middle of California myself… But one day I, too, will flee to Canada with my other half. One day.

7. Kerry and Courtney, ER (2007)

Dr. Kerry Weaver went through more than her fair share of lesbian relationship woes before ending up with Courtney, but apparently the writers and producers came to their senses and made her fall for… a hot TV producer. Of course. Pat on the back to themselves, here, but whatevs – at least she’s happy at last!

8. Spencer and Ashley, South of Nowhere (2008)

Fun fact: This particular show had a lot to do with the timing of me coming out. Spashley went through a ridiculous number of bisexual back-and-forth, often trading turns with Aiden, the third side of their love triangle. However, once everything was said and done, Spashley ended up Uhauling off into the sunset together like every millennial queer chick in the fandom always knew they would.

9. Olivia and Natalia, Guiding Light (2009)

GL fans weren’t super happy about all the crazy trials and tribulations that these two had to face, but thankfully the writers came to their senses in the end and let the two stay together, “forever” – or at least until after the show ended.

10. Bette and Tina & Alice and Tasha, The L Word (2009)

It’s rare enough for a TV show to let one queer couple ending, but for one show to allow two couples to stay together and live happily ever after? Pure joy. However you might feel about Bette and Tina (I’m not a big fan, myself) it’s nice to know that they were able to work through things, I guess.

And, Alice and Tasha will always be my favorite couple from the show, even if it wasn’t exactly confirmed that they were getting back together. They totally were.

11. Chris and Kris & Jen and Sam, Exes & Ohs (2011)

Chris and Kris end up getting married and having a baby, while Jen and Sam happen to end up together too. Sure, it might have been another lesbian-centric storyline to begin with (which does increase the odds of an all-female relationship making it through), but still… Good job, Michelle Paradise, for making everyone happy with this one.

12. Remy and her girlfriend, House (2012)

As sad as it is that Thirteen lost her job, and she’s got Huntington’s Disease (probably), and that her girlfriend’s name wasn’t ever revealed… They had a lovely relationship, we’re sure of it. And, as far as we can tell, they’re going to spend the rest of their lives together, because if you break up off-camera in a TV show it doesn’t really count.

13. Brittany and Santana, Glee (2015)

I never really got into Glee when it was super popular, but Tumblr taught me all about the wonders that were the Brittana ‘ship. Once I ended up (briefly) dating a girl who was Brittana-obsessed, I got a little into it… And it turns out, the Brittana fandom got their way in the end, when the producers decided to let Brittany and Santana get married finally.

14. Julie and Nikki, The Returned (2015)

In a show that is literally about dead people, it’s hard to picture anything resembling a happy ending… Well, that is, anything about dead people that wasn’t directed by Tim Burton, of course. Anyway, Julie and Nikki not only made it in the end, but they even got to kiss when it was all said and done. Aww.

15. Alana and Margot, Hannibal (2015)

When the main character is a serial killer, you just know that people are going to die left and right. It was quite a shock, then, that Alana and Margot got to stay alive all the way to the end. Kudos, Alana and Margot… You guys really made it.

16. Bo and Lauren, Lost Girl (2016)

Any show that deals primarily in the supernatural is sure to have extra pressures put on the characters… Especially when most LGBT characters get killed off pretty early on. However, Bo and Lauren made it, which just proves that things can work out – as long as you’re a supernatural entity, at least.

Watch This Taiwanese Dad Learn To Accept His Lesbian Daughter In Touching Video

Produced by group Home Is Love – a Taiwanese group that supports same-sex marriage – this touching video focuses on a father’s gradual acceptance of his daughter, who is a lesbian.

Should You Come Out At Work?

Coming out is hard. Your parents might disown you. Your friends might shun you. Your priest might send you to reparative therapy.

And, of course, you might get fired.

Even if your family, friends and rabbi are completely okay with your sexuality, your boss might not be as forgiving. And it’s not always easy to leave the job of your dreams.

The harsh statistics:

The Human Rights Campaign found that 62% of openly LGBT college graduates hurried right back into the closest after accepting their first job.

And for good reason. Anglia Ruskin University did a study that, depressingly, found that lesbians are 5% less likely to get offered a job interview than straight women with the same skills. If you could increase your job prospects by 5% by hiding your crush on Samira Wiley, why wouldn’t you?

Bisexual women don’t get off the hook any easier. A recent study showed that bisexual women earn less than their straight counterparts. How much less? From 7% to 28%. Yes, coming out as bisexual could automatically cut your paycheck by more than a quarter because bisexual people are considered “dishonest.”

In the U.S., 28 states still allow employers to fire employees for being gay. Yes, that’s more than half, and with Trump on the throne that number is likely to rise. Ten percent of lesbian, gay and bi workers have been fired from their jobs in last five years. Read more about those studies here.

So should you come out?

Coming out is a personal choice. There’s no right time or wrong time, and even the safest of situations could turn dangerous at any moment. But repressing yourself is arguably just as dangerous to your mental health. So should you come out?

Ask yourself a few questions first:

Have your colleagues or your employer expressed homophobic or transphobic sentiments out loud?

Do you think your work environment would turn hostile if you came out?

Is this job your only possible source of financial security?

If you don’t have a backup plan, then think about setting something up, whether that’s lining up another job, planning to live on your partner’s income or moving back in with your parents. Have a plan B in case of the worst.

But the most important question of all is this:

Do you want to come out?

Don’t feel pressured to come out in the name of LGBT rights, or because you feel like you have a responsibility to be yourself. Your responsibility is to prioritize your mental health. And if you don’t want to come out, then don’t.

If you do, then check out the Human Rights Campaign’s resources on coming out while at work.

Sext-Worthy Ancient Greek Poetry

Once upon a time on a Greek island far, far away, a lesbian poet named Sapphos entertained beautiful women and wrote them love poetry.

That island, Lesbos, is where the word lesbian comes from. Yes, this poet was so amazing that she coined the term for women who love women.

Next time you’re in one of these situations, sext Sapphos’ poetry to your lover and watch them melt at your feet.

When you know that you and your girlfriend are #RelationshipGoals:

You may forget but
let me tell you
this: someone in
some future time
will think of us

When you finally have a one-night stand with your crush:

All the while,
believe me,
I prayed our night would last twice as long

When a girl is hitting on you:

Mere air, these words, but delicious to hear.

When you see your crush for the first time:

And she outshines the Ladies of Lydia
as the rose-fingered moon at sunset
surpassing all the stars

When you want to call your ex but have nothing to say:

What cannot be said will be wept.

When sex with your crush isn’t as great as you imagined:

You came, I yearned for you,
and you cooled my senses that burned with desire

When your girlfriend says, “It’s over.”

I just really want to die
She, crying many tears, left me

When you’re tipsy but want to blame your tipsiness on love:

Once again Love, that loosener of limbs,
bittersweet and inescapable, crawling thing,
seizes me.

When you know she’s a player:

No honey for me
if it comes with a bee

When you thought your ex-girlfriend changed, but you were wrong:

Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.

When she gives you four orgasms in a row:

I will let my body flow like water over the gentle cushions.

When you don’t have money but you still have love:

From all the offspring of the earth and heaven
love
is the most precious.

When your mind’s telling you no, but your body is telling you yes:

I do not know what to do –
My mind’s in two.

When you need your love to stand and face you and scatter the grace in her eyes:

Stand and face me, my love, and scatter the grace in your eyes.

‘Liberty’s Secret’ Is A Hilarious, Political Lesbian Musical

What if Sarah Palin were secretly a lesbian?

That idea is essentially the crux of Liberty’s Secret, a lighthearted movie-musical that follows a conservative Republican candidate’s harebrained election campaign. During the campaign, one of the candidate’s advisors, Nikki (Cara AnnMarie), falls for the all-American, squeaky-clean campaign spokeswoman, Liberty (Jaclene Wilk). Conservative outrage and lesbian hijinks ensue.

A Catchy, Creative Soundtrack

The highlight of the movie is definitely the musical numbers, which range from jazz to Latin ballroom to light classical. The witty songs had me laughing so hard I whistled – “Girls Like Boys” is a three-minute failed ode to gender norms that include claims like “Girls like picking roses, and boys like punching noses.”

The more heartfelt songs made my eyes prickle with tears. The operatic I Dare Not Speak Your Name is worth a listen even if you don’t watch the movie.

Most Lovable Character Award Goes to…

My personal favorite character was the presidential candidate, a lovable George Bush caricature who trips over himself whenever he tries to express an original opinion. At a time when the real-life President-elect is a horrifying, racist, fascist Republican, it feels cathartic to have a well-meaning Republican candidate to laugh at instead of fear.

Room for Improvement (Spoilers)

Granted, the film is far from perfect. While Liberty’s character was spectacular, Nikki felt wooden, and I didn’t believe that they were in love. When Nikki told Liberty that she loved her, I rolled my eyes because it felt forced.

It would also have been nice to see Liberty wrestle with her sexuality more. She was raised in a sheltered, fundamentalist Christian home, yet she accepts her sexuality in stride. She leaps headfirst into a relationship with Nikki after a four-minute stay at a Christian reparative therapy facility.

Yet Another Sassy Black Stereotype

The handling of the character Yolanda was also less than stellar. While she got a (very flimsy) romantic subplot with Liberty’s father, she seemed to exist solely to give advice and ensure that the privileged white characters lived happily ever after. The Magical Negro is alive and well. Still, it was refreshing to see POC representation in a Republican environment.

Side-Splitters

Despite its flaws, Liberty’s Secret is a funny and satirical romp through American politics. The soundtrack alone makes it more than worthwhile, and you’ll fall in love with Jaclene Wilk.

Some of the most hilarious lines:

When being coached on how to answer questions like a politician, Liberty says, “Don’t say ‘global warming.’ Say, ‘This too shall pass.'”
In a church, parishioners sing about God’s forgiveness. “Rub, dub, dub, bubble and scrub! My blackened soul is white!”
Liberty says, “You don’t even know what real love is. It’s about sacrifice. It’s about doing things for others. Doing the right thing even if it’s not the thing you want. Giving up your own life for someone else’s. That’s real love.” Nikki shoots back, “No, that’s codependency. There’s a big difference.”

Final Verdict

Liberty’s Secret is a funny, very gay movie that I will be returning to again and again, if only for the soundtrack. I highly recommend it!

Listen to a few of the best songs here, and purchase the movie on Vimeo for $2.99 or Amazon for free with Prime. Learn more at the official website. Check out the trailer below.

Official summary: Liberty Smith is the perfect, all-American girl: preacher’s daughter, straight-A student, and aspiring Christian Pop singer. So when a struggling presidential campaign needs a bridge to Rust-Belt evangelicals, they believe they’ve found their poster child! But when ingénue Liberty meets Washington insider, Nikki Levine, the campaign takes a tailspin — and so does Liberty. Smart, sexy, and sophisticated, Nikki is everything Liberty has ever dreamed of. Can their love song bring the country together, or will fear and politics drive them apart?

Why Are We Afraid of Butch/Butch Love?

Close your eyes and think of your favorite lesbian couple. Is it tomboy Ellen and glamorous Portia del Rossi? Is it fiery Rose and dreamy Luisa from Jane the Virgin? Is it the hot lesbian stud who lives next door and her adorable girlfriend?

Is it two butch lesbians?

For most people, probably not. Mainstream television is finally making it clear that lesbian relationships are okay…as long as they’re between two feminine lesbians, or (rarely) one masculine one and one feminine one. At your nearest lesbian bar, you are more likely to see a butch lesbian hitting on a girl in heels than you are to see two butch lesbians exchanging numbers.

Why is that? Well, our patriarchal society dictates that lesbians exist for the pleasure of men – and men supposedly want to see two attractive, feminine lesbians. Two attractive women does not threaten his masculinity. Besides, some men believe that no matter how gay a woman claims to be, she’ll always sleep with him.

Western society is also becoming tolerant of butch/femme relationships. A masculine body and a feminine body reinforce traditional heterosexual dynamics, even if both bodies are female.

However, butch/butch relationships make many people uneasy. A butch woman’s mere existence is an affront to manhood – how dare a woman not exist for his pleasure! When two butch lesbians come together, not only is each lesbian spitting in the face of traditional manhood by refusing to be feminine, but they’re also challenging the feminine/masculine dynamic that many believe is necessary for a “real” relationship.

Even certain butch women claim that they would never date a non-femme, because that would diminish their masculinity – they’re not exempt from #MasculinitySoFragile. Their internalized homophobia blinds them to romantic possibility.

In Butch Lesbians Explain: Dating Other Butch Women, YouTube vlogger Arielle Scarcella explores the dynamics of butch/butch relationships, and why society’s aversion to them is so problematic.

Check out the video below.

10 Hilarious Pieces Of Lesbian Advice From Wikihow

Wikihow is one of the first websites to appear when searching for advice online but if any of you have ever read some of the advice (that often comes with really funny illustrations to accompany it) then you will know that it’s often completely wrong or so bizarre it is like someone from another planet wrote it.

Below are some of the funniest pieces of advice offered to lesbians, but just for the record, we suggest you do the exact opposite of what is suggested!

1. How to know if a girl is queer.

Look for obvious signs like meeting her at a LGBT rights dinner or her wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ in her profile picture.”

Yep, as we all head off to those common and frequent LGBT rights dinner get-togethers you can keep your eyes open on the off chance a lesbian might be there. And agreed, the t-shirt is a good clue. If you travel back in time, like to around 1993.

2. Ask her about her boyfriend.

If you are shy, you can ask, ‘Are you here with your boyfriend?’ Hopefully, she will say, ‘No, I’m lesbian’ or at least just ‘no’ (which leaves open the possibility that she may be lesbian).”

Now, why didn’t we think of that one as we often say to complete strangers we have never met ‘I’m a lesbian’ when asked if we are with our boyfriends. Not forgetting that even if a girl says ‘no’ she might be a lesbian because we can’t presume the possibility that her boyfriend is at home or she’s currently single. We may need to warn our fellow hetero women she must never say she is not with her boyfriend or she may get inundated with lesbians wanting to date her.

3. Where are the lesbians hiding? In church, duh.

Attend faith-based activities. Many religious organizations host events specifically to offer LGBT members the opportunity to socialize in a safe setting. Check with your local faith-based agencies to find out what opportunities they might have for you to meet other lesbians.”

Ok, we could say something like this: ‘Hi vicar, are you hosting a lesbian hook-up I could attend please? Wikihow said you hold them.’

4. Make gay friends.

Get to know gay/lesbian friends! Even if you’re not interested in them they can be good contacts for meeting people.”

Yes, send out those ‘gay friends wanted’ ads everywhere, and don’t worry if they are cockwombles that you have nothing in common with. As long as they are gay that’s all that counts.

5. How to tell if your best friend a lesbian.

Consider her relationship history. A series of brief, noncommittal, or largely non-romantic relationships with men can indicate a lack of sexual interest in men….”

Yes, there’s no sure fire way of telling that someone is a lesbian and has no sexual interest in men by the very fact she sleeps with a lot of them.

Alternatively they could indicate some other dysfunction or dysphoria.”

Yes, because anyone who has a dysfunction is a lesbian. It’s a fact.

Try to recall if she has had a sustained interest in the opposite sex if you have known her throughout puberty. Patterns of behavior or avoidance can indicate preference far more clearly than stated preferences.”

If you are not her child psychologist or you don’t know him and are unable to find this out, don’t panic, we have more advice for you……

Approach your friend with openings that establish the confidence and safety of your discussion. Some starter ideas include ‘You know I’m your friend and you can tell me anything,’ ‘I think you might be keeping something from me, are you attracted to women?’ or ‘You can trust me with anything, and I think you haven’t been honest with yourself about your feelings for other women.’”

Nothing more guaranteed than ruining your relationship with your best friend by making these statements or asking these questions, I’m sure.

6. Have you heard of the internet?

If you aren’t already aware of any LGBT groups in your area, begin by searching the internet. Simply combine ‘LGBT,’ ‘groups,’ and the name of your city in the search box to get started.”

From this suggestion I got: suicide hotline numbers, PFLAG memberships and homeless youth centers, but zero girlfriends. Where are they??? Come out, come out, wherever you are…..

Try looking in the newspaper and the phone book for LGBT resources that may be able to point you in the right direction.”

Or you could try sending a telegram to 1985, order a lipstick lesbian t-shirt to wear to those LGBT rights dinners and lesbian hook-ups at your local church and you’ll find a girlfriend in no time.

7. Hitting the bars.

Bring a straight cute girl with you as your wingman. Make it clear that you are not together.”

Perhaps you could even get her to wear a t-shirt saying ‘lipstick lesbian sat next to me.’

8. Sealing the deal.

Exchange phone numbers with one girl per night. If you ask for numbers from several girls, others may think you are not serious dating material, and some may even find your behavior off-putting.”

Absolutely. Taking people’s phone numbers is a massive indication you are not good dating material. Personally, I’d be more concerned about all my possible dates that were stalking me to see I had been taking all these numbers.

9. Is she into you?

Pay attention to what she’s talking about. If she is sharing personal details about her life, this is another good indicator that she’s interested in you…”

Oh, definitely. If a woman tells you where she lives, her job and about her pets she’s definitely interested in you and not just making small talk.

Listen to the pitch of her voice. In a recent study, scientists discovered that attracted individuals of either gender lowered the pitch of their voices when speaking to the person to whom they were attracted.”

To do this, press your ear against her throat and try to detect a change in tone. If she doesn’t have you arrested or slap you hard, you might be onto a winner.

If you want to see her again, call to set up another date.”

That’s only if you are not still stuck in the 1900’s after going too far back in your time travel machine looking for those ‘lipstick lesbian’ t-shirt wearing potential girlfriends. If this is the case, you could try sending a carrier pigeon.

If she rejects you, do your best to take it gracefully. Tell her you wish her the best, and that you had a nice evening with her, but you respect her wishes. Then, tell her you have to get off the phone because you have some things to do.”

Hurry up off that phone and tell her you have better things to do. Like washing your hair. Or planning your revenge on her. You could ask her if she has a rabbit. And don’t forget to mention the respect. Especially if she has a rabbit.

10. Going all the way.

Ask her if she would be interested in being your girlfriend. After you have been going out for a while, and you feel comfortable with her, ask her what she thinks about having a more serious, committed relationship. Understand that she may say no, and try to be understanding. If she says yes, then it’s time to celebrate!”

If you have managed to find a girlfriend using these techniques I would ask her if she would mind having a psychological assessment before you ask her to commit to you. You might wish to get one done for yourself at the same time. And don’t wear your lipstick lesbian t-shirt to the appointment.

The Faces of Queer South Africa

South Africa is one of Africa’s most socially progressive countries. Same-sex marriage was legalized in 2006, nine years before the U.S., and South Africa was the first country to instate a constitution that forbids discrimination based on sexuality.

Unfortunately, despite the progressive legislation, LGBTQ people are far from welcome. Every day, dozens of people experience physical or sexual violence at the hands of homophobic attackers.

Photographer and visual activist Zanele Muholi is using art to combat the injustice. Her project Faces and Phases documents South Africa’s queer women, their strength and their resilience in the face of violence.

Many women in the exhibit were “correctively” raped – that is, raped by a man who believes that heterosexual sex will reverse her homosexuality. Muholi’s portraits put a face to the shocking statistic that 1 in 2 South African women will be raped in her lifetime.

Faces and Phases began in 2006. Initially, it focused on black South African lesbians, but expanded in 2008 to include queer women from other countries. Today, it includes over 300 images. In addition to resilience, her portraits tackle the theme of identity; identity is fluid and ever-changing, and the self is dynamic.

Muholi has received backlash for her visual activism. In 2012, criminals broke into her apartment and stole equipment and hard drives containing five years of work. Unable to recover the lost data, she’s spent the past several years trying to recreate what was lost. The experience has been taxiing.

Her other notable exhibits include Somnyama Ngonyama, a comment on colonialism. In these photos, Muholi dresses up as South African historical stereotypes in order to reclaim and retell her own country’s history.

Her mission with all of her art is “to rewrite a black queer and trans visual history of South Africa for the world to know of our resistance and existence at the height of hate crimes in South Africa and beyond.”

You can order the Faces and Phases book here.

Indian-Made Lesbian Web Series Gets Highest Nominations at NYC Web Fest

Filmmaker Roopa Rao’s debut web series The Other Love Story is an innocent love story between two girls set in the 90’s era in India.

After facing rejection from several producers, Roopa turned to crowdfunding to help bring this original and realistic story to the society, now the web series is leading nominations at the NYC Web Fest, with six nominations.

Roopa says,

When I made this series, I had no expectations about what I wanted from it or where it would go. I just wanted it to release and share the story, and hoped that people were engaged and entertained with each episode. I am thrilled that we have been noticed by a platform like this and that we are competing on a global level for some of the top awards at the festival.”

Roopa says that though her project deals with a sensitive topic and the medium she chose to narrate it on wasn’t conventional, she was glad she did it.

This project happened organically. I have been a writer and like to tell stories. I must have written this story when I was in college. But I was waiting for someone else to make it because I didn’t know how to. Since then, I kept thinking of a web series because video-sharing channels started monetizing it. This was a great platform for storytellers like us who want to tell something as it is and with freedom of expression. It took me some time to research the medium, and given that it doesn’t require big budgets and there is no distributor in between who you have to satisfy, I found the medium encouraging. Also, when I approached producers, they were apprehensive due to the subject and the medium. In that way, it has been a long journey and fight, but here we are today, with nominations at a festival like this and it has been worth it.”

Chinelo Okparanta Is Your New Badass Crush

You probably know Chinelo Okparanta from her fiery, controversial novel, Under the Udala Trees, one of the first Nigerian novels to support lesbian relationships.

With her innocent eyes and sweet smile, Chinelo looks like the friendly girl next door – but her books have hit the world like a nuclear bomb. If you’re not in love with her yet, you’re about to be.

She takes death threats in stride.

Before she wrote Under the Udala Trees, Chinelo wrote a short story collection called Happiness, Like Water. And yes, it also includes lesbians. Immediately, readers started sending her death threats. She couldn’t open her Facebook without finding people who wanted to slaughter her.

Did Chinelo hide?

Of course not. She brewed a cup of tea and made her next novel even gayer.

Her words will give you chills.

Maybe love was some combination of friendship and infatuation. A deeply felt affection accompanied by a certain sort of awe. And by gratitude. And by a desire for a lifetime of togetherness.

Haven’t you felt that when gazing into your girlfriend’s eyes?

Happiness is like water,” she says. “We’re always trying to grab onto it, but it’s always slipping between our fingers.”

She has simultaneously redefined both happiness and water, forever.

But we were in love,

or at least I believed myself completely to be.

Excuse me while I grab a tissue.

She’s politically aware.

Many lesbian books fall in one of two categories: a fluffy romantic lesbian novel written by a western novelist, or a vitriolic anti-gay manifesto written by a religious novelist. Chinelo simultaneously breaks free from and embraces both of these categories.

In Under the Udala Trees, she dialogues with the religious right, she includes a romantic ending, she avoids fluff and cliché, and she paints a realistic picture of lesbian relationships gone both well and disastrously.

Her writing is as complex as her political views. She says that her writing “incites us to take a look at ourselves and own up to the ways in which we’ve had a hand in our own corruption and exploitation.”

She also says, “I do write a lot about Christianity. I write also about colonialism. Sometimes I write about the two hand in hand, because it is often hard for me to write about one without the other.” She discusses how the West imported rigid morality, homophobia and Christianity into Nigeria, and yet the West blames Nigeria for being religious and homophobic. The West isn’t innocent.

She has won hundreds of writing awards.

…or at least, it seems that way. In addition to being the only woman nominated for the 2013 Caine Prize, Africa’s biggest literature prize, she’s also won the Lambda Literary Award for Lesbian Fiction (twice) and the O. Henry Award, and been listed for the Frank O’Connor International Short Story Award and the Zora Neale Hurston Award. Her books were recommended by the New York Times, the Guardian, the L.A. Times and more.

Any aspiring writers should take note.

She takes mental illness by the horns.

It’s rare for artists to admit that they struggle with mental health. Sometimes they’ll discuss depression or addiction, but they almost never admit to more uncommon illnesses, such as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And within the subset of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, scrupulosity is an extremely rare but potent religious/moral OCD that can be frightening at best and crippling at worst. She addresses it in this interview with the Iowa Review.

Chinelo: And, I suppose having a healthy dose of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where morality is concerned does help to keep one from repeating a cycle of wrongdoing.

Interviewer: Interesting. You wouldn’t by any chance be referring to yourself regarding that condition?

Chinelo: Quite possibly.

Chinelo doesn’t explicitly state whether she’s struggled with it or not, but admitting that religious/moral OCD exists is an important step forward.

She’s just plain gorgeous.

How could so much wisdom and fire be hidden in such an open and friendly face! Abeg!

Why Do Black Lesbians Keep Quiet About Domestic Violence?

According to The Advocate, 35.4% of women living with a same-sex partner have experienced domestic abuse or Inter-Personal Violence (IPV), but many black women are often so intimidated by political, cultural and racial factors that they don’t feel safe reporting their abuse.

What are these factors, and how can anti-domestic violence coalitions account for them?

Police have a history of murdering black women.

Sandra Bland. Rekia Boyd. Korryn Gaines. Yvette Smith. Tanisha Anderson. The list of black women killed by the police grows longer every day – and many victims were not committing crimes at the time of their murder. Rekia Boyd was standing next to a man holding a cell phone; police assumed the cell phone was a gun, shot at the man, and accidentally killed her instead.

For that reason, black women are hesitant to call the police on an abusive partner. Police could kill the partner – or even the woman who made the call.

Furthermore, just because a woman calls the police doesn’t mean the police will believe her. Police often don’t take same-sex cases IPV seriously. How can a woman hurt another woman?

The church teaches that homosexuality is an abomination.

Many black queer women raised in church have been told, at some point in their lives, that homosexuals will burn in hell.

When a religious woman comes out of the closet, she loses the support of her church and her internalized homophobia intensifies. If she becomes a victim of domestic violence, she may believe that it’s her punishment for being homosexual. If she were straight, after all, her girlfriend would not be abusing her.

Black women don’t want to fuel racism.

Black people are stigmatized as being lazy, poor, unintelligent, violent and criminal. Many black women believe that if they report domestic violence, they will prove these stereotypes true.

The white gaze is strong and judgmental. Black people don’t have the luxury of being an individual – one misstep allows white people to judge their entire community. That’s why black communities are notoriously private about HIV, AIDs, domestic violence, and mental illness; they’re private not to avoid fixing these problems, but to avoid facing constant judgment.

Black women need a safe space.

For black Americans, racism is a daily struggle. They’re stopped and frisked while walking in their own neighborhoods. They’re glared at or ignored by taxi drivers, store clerks and waitresses. They can be followed around a store, even if they have a six-figure salary and a white teenager is shoplifting one aisle over. They open their newsfeed to read the names of three more black people killed by the police. They deposit their checks, aware of the fact that they make 25% less than a white man doing the same job.

For black women, home is the safe space. It’s one of few places where they can be themselves separate from the pressures of the outside world.

If a queer black woman reports domestic violence, then she will lose that safe space – evenings will be spent filling out police reports, trying to convince people to believe her story, sleeping on friends’ couches, and possibly being separated from her children. Not to mention, if an abused woman has no choice but to move back in with her girlfriend afterward, then the abuse might be even worse than it was before since the abuser knows she can get away with it.

Instead, it’s easier for a black woman to keep her head down and hope for her evenings to pass uneventfully. Under the current system, it’s easier to deal with a black eye than it is to upend her entire life.

With these factors in mind, anti-IPV organizations need to make resources easily accessible to LGBT victims of color. Black women need to know that they can report violence without police intervention, they need to be able to access counselling, they need to be able to work with advocates of color to avoid racism and stigma, and they need to know that they have a safe space with these organizations.

For more information, visit Gay Star News.

India Finally Portrays A Lesbian Relationship In New Web Series ‘The Other Love Story’

Members of the LGBT community have a very hard time in India because under Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code, homosexuality is punishable by law and the subject is pretty much taboo.

In that respect alone The Other Love Story is a ground-breaking move. The series is set in Bangalore in the 1990’s and portrays the love story between two young women, Aachal and Aadya.

During this era lesbian relationships were very much in the closet (even more so than they are now) and the first episode shows them both meeting each other for the first time.

The audience very quickly gets a sense of the ordinariness of the girls lives and they start to grow closer as they interact in person and over the phone. There is an innocence about them both as they explore their feelings for each other.

Heterosexual relationships are hard enough in India as family, politics and attitudes play a strict part in whether they are deemed suitable by others, which means LGBT relationships are pretty much impossible to carry out. This is why this web series is so desperately needed, not just for lesbian women in India, but to women anywhere that are still in the closet or are dealing with prejudice from others regarding their sexuality.

A few weeks ago a lesbian couple from Mumbai both tried to commit suicide as they had been forbidden to see each other after someone reported them for cuddling. One succeeded and died while the other survived.

This is a tragic example of what can happen to members of the LGBT community in India when others find out about their relationship. Falling in love is not a crime and more recognition is needed in the media.

The Other Love Story is a step in the right direction as it normalizes same sex relationships. Falling in love is not a crime. Prejudice and homophobia is.

9 Things That Are Wrong with Your Underwear

When’s the last time you stopped to think about your underwear? They’re always there, supporting you throughout your day. There’s such a wide variety of underwear styles out there, and although you hear people touting the perks of their particular favorite, there’s really no one-size-fits-all solution.

Literally.

One-size-fits-all underwear is a lie. Don’t buy it. They won’t fit right and you’ll hate them.

No matter what your personal underwear style is, you’re probably treating your underwear badly. It’s not exactly your fault, either – proper undies care isn’t really taught anywhere (as far as I know). And, most of the time, if you do hear about “proper rules” for your underwear, it’s probably things like how to reduce your visible panty lines or camel toe or something else entirely shallow. I’m not saying you shouldn’t also look and feel good in your underwear, but it really shouldn’t be your primary concern.

Here are 9 things you’re probably getting all wrong.

1. You’re washing them wrong.

I’m pretty sure that every modern washing machine has a “delicate” setting on it. This setting is meant for your underwear, and a few other things. Even if you wear boxers and sports bras and basically the opposite of delicate “delicates”, you should probably wash them on the delicate cycle. Even the most masculine underwear has fragile elastic and relatively thin material. Skip the dryer, too, unless you absolutely need those undies dried ASAP – this cooks the elastic and makes them wear out much faster.

You should also be using hypoallergenic detergent when you wash them. While detergent sensitivities are really common already, even non-allergic people can have a reaction when it comes to their sensitive bits. There are a number of hypoallergenic soap options on the market now, and many of them are quite inexpensive, so there’s no excuse to cause extra irritation – go with a vagina-safe detergent and you can thank me later.

2. You’re storing them wrong, too.

If you’re anything like most people, you toss your bras and underwear all together in the same drawer and hope for the best. While that might make the most use of the storage space you have, bra hooks can do some serious damage to elastic and lace – causing them to wear out much faster than they would if you stored them separately. If you only wear sports bras, or you store your underwear in their own spot, this part doesn’t really pertain to you – but you might still be storing them wrong.

Most people’s underwear drawer lacks any type of organization. While I’m definitely not saying you need to “retail fold” your undies and sort them by color, you should at least have some system to even out the wear and tear. Tossing your just-worn-and-washed ones at the front of the drawer all the time is going to cause those ones to wear out faster than the rest, and you might not even notice when they start to wear out. Make a point of getting rid of the old ones when you buy new ones, and never be stuck with your “laundry day back-ups” again. And, on that note…

3. You keep them way longer than you should.

My girlfriend has a really hard time parting with her underwear. I find myself regularly “sneaking out” the ones that have totally exposed elastic, holes in the butt cheeks, and bleach and/or period stains on them. While I fully support the idea of designated “period panties”, you probably don’t need to hang onto every old pair you have for those few days a month you don’t want to ruin your good ones.

These old, worn-out underwear are not only ugly, but they’re also basically worthless. If you can see the elastic, the elastic is probably also digging into your skin. If they’ve got holes in them (especially in the crotch), they’re not really doing any good, and they may be rubbing against you and causing unnecessary irritation.

4. You’re not changing them often enough.

Most people know that you’re supposed to change your underwear every day. The type of underwear you wear may make a difference in how long you can wear them without changing, but you should change them after every shower and every work out – no exceptions. If it’s a particularly hot and sweaty day, or you’re on your period and you’ve gotten blood on them, you might need to change them more often.

It should also go without saying that putting dirty underwear back on once you’ve taken them off is a bad idea, but just in case I need to say it… Once you take your underwear off, don’t put the same ones back on. That’s a pretty good reason to have a big underwear selection, if you ask me.

5. You wear underwear every day.

Many people (mistakenly) think that wearing underwear is more hygienic than not wearing underwear. That’s not really true, though. Underwear was originally invented as a way to keep from washing clothing more often. Since water was a precious commodity that had to be carried in from the closest water source, it was a lot easier to wash five pairs of underwear than it was to wash one pair of pants, five times. In menstrual women, this underwear served double-duty since feminine hygiene products were entirely non-existent.

In the age of modern convenience, though, wearing underwear isn’t really necessary. In fact, if you’re wearing loose pants, long skirts, or basketball shorts (that fit), wearing underwear is 100% optional. Your vagina needs time to breathe, and if you keep it locked inside close-fitting materials all the time, it’s going to build up stronger odors and possibly even bacterial infections.

6. You never wear underwear.

Okay, I know I just said that underwear is not necessary – but if you wear tight-fitting pants, going commando is a bad idea. The seam of your jeans can rub uncomfortably against what is literally the most sensitive part of your body, causing a rash, and possibly even open sores (if the pants are too tight).

Likewise, short skirts or saggy pants need underwear to provide a sense of modesty. While not everyone feels like being modest all the time, you can get into trouble with the law if you’re showing more than what’s deemed appropriate in your region. Different types of underwear have very specific purposes, so it’s best to get some that do what you hope to accomplish.

7. You have all the same type of underwear.

Remember when we (just) said that different types of underwear serve different purposes? This means that there is no such thing as an “every occasion” underwear – unless your clothing style is very consistent from day to day. Boxers and boxer briefs are great for breathability and maximum coverage; boy shorts, hipsters, and thongs are best for reducing visible panty lines; and cotton briefs are a great go-to for situations when both coverage and VPL are non-issues.

That being said, it’s normal to have a favorite type of underwear. I’m pretty sure we all have our go-to’s, actually. But just because you have a favorite, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also have other types of underwear. No matter what your preferences are, you should have at least a few pairs in other styles just in case you want to wear something that makes your normal style unreasonable. (Boxers under leggings? I think not.)

8. You wear them to bed.

Some people prefer sleeping naked. Other people prefer the security of sleeping with clothes on, especially sexual abuse survivors (in my experience). No matter what your personal preferences happen to be, from a scientific standpoint, the closer to naked, the better. Like we said in #5, your vagina needs to breathe, and just the time you spend in the shower every day is probably not enough.

If you must wear underwear to bed – whether for your personal security, or because you don’t live alone – opt for something in breathable cotton. Personally, I like sleeping in boxers, since everything stays covered and still gets plenty of airflow. So-called “granny panties” are also a good choice – just make sure they’re actually cotton, and not some synthetic blend. Synthetic materials are nowhere near as breathable, and they can cause irritation if they move around while you’re sleeping.

9. They don’t fit right.

Lastly, the most common thing that’s wrong with underwear is that they’re the wrong size. Underwear that is too tight can cause a muffin top, camel toe, or a major wedgie – not to mention more serious complications like yeast or bacterial infections. Most importantly, though, ill-fitted underwear is uncomfortable, and that discomfort can actually translate to less self-confidence and poor performance in the rest of your life. Who knew your underwear were that important?!

However, wearing underwear that is too loose isn’t good, either. These underwear are more likely to show through your clothing (which, while minor, is still irritating). They can also fall down, causing some major embarrassment. Mostly, though, too-big underwear is probably not doing what it’s supposed to do – and you might as well not be wearing any. (In fact, it’s usually better to go without than to wear underwear that doesn’t fit.)

This Incredible Mashup Artist Helps These Disney Princesses Find The Perfect Girlfriend

Ah the Disney Universe. In recent months, Elsa from Frozen has been the object of a social media campaign to give the ice princess a girlfriend.

The #GiveElsaAGirlfriend movement has gained enough momentum to get the approval of Idina Menzel, the voice of Elsa herself:

I think it’s great, Disney’s just gotta contend with that. I’ll let them figure that out.”

And Pixar might also have teased a same-sex couple in the upcoming Finding Dory.

But for now, fan artist extraordinaire, Isaiah Stephens has given 12 select Disney Princesses their perfect same-sex match.

All of them are delightful and will make for a perfect happily-ever-after.

Elsa And Tiana

Snow White And Anna

Megara And Belle

Aurora And Cinderella

Ariel And Jasmine

Mulan And Pocahontas

It Is Now Illegal To Be A Lesbian Or Bi Woman In 44 Countries Around The World (And That Number Is Growing)

44 countries have criminalised sex between consenting adult women, and of these at least ten countries (which have previously only criminalised male relationships) have recently expanded their laws to include women.

Many of the laws were first instigated under British colonial rule and others are based on Sharia law.

The Trust warns that while many countries have historically only criminalised male homosexuality due to the legacy of British colonial penal codes, increased international criticism of the laws is having the counter-intuitive effect of laws being expanded to include women as states believe the legal basis is strengthened if they are gender neutral and therefore more ‘equal’.

Ironically, such amendments [to criminalise women] are often made on the inaccurate premise of ensuring non-discrimination in the State’s treatment of male and female homosexuals.

A Botswana court found that a gross indecency law that only applied to male homosexuals, and not female homosexuals, was discriminatory, but that the discrimination was rectified when the provision was made gender-neutral.

Similarly, a court in Solomon Islands found that the male gross indecency law was discriminatory since women were not criminalised, but found that this would be rectified by removing the word ‘male’.”

The report warns that while reports on LGBT criminalisation can often focus on gay and bisexual men, women experience criminalisation in specific and particularly damaging ways.

Countries where lesbian and bisexual women are criminalised
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Corrective rape is found to be common as a way of ‘curing’ women of same-sex attraction and forced marriages with men are also a continuing threat.

As social and economic structures are already designed to require women to be dependent on men, women can experience particular stigma and practical issues if seeking to live independently outside of a ‘traditional’ relationship or with another woman.

Another concern highlighted in the report is how restrictions on women’s movement in socially conservative countries can often mean it is forbidden for women to travel without a man, making it difficult for women to meet in private.

Women in general are disadvantaged economically in many societies, for example by inequality in family structures, labour markets and laws on property and inheritance, which in turn compound the human rights violations faced by lesbians and bisexual women as they are less able to live independently without male family members.

Women [pressured into sham ‘heterosexual’ marriages] are likely to have significantly less control over their own bodies than gay men who enter sham heterosexual marriages, and may have little control over their sexual and reproductive health choices.”

The 9 Types Of Women To Avoid Hitting On At The Gay Bar

When we’re cruising for women at the gay bar, we may feel that everyone there is also cruising for women – and, similarly, that they’re a good choice to flirt with. Now, I’m all for taking on a challenge, but statistically speaking, there is definitely such a thing as “the woman you shouldn’t hit on”. Some of these women will destroy your self-esteem, some of them will destroy your image of gay bars, and some of them will just end up being absolutely nothing like you thought they would.

We’re here to try and save you from these women. Really, they’re probably bad news, even (or especially) if they seem like an “easy target”.

The Alpha

Unless you, too, are an alpha, alpha women are not usually a good choice for relationship material. They know what they want and they know what they’re capable of, and honestly they’re super sexy. But they know they’re super sexy, and they know that there’s probably something better out there – which will keep them from fully committing to you. Sure, there are probably exceptions. But unless you, too, are 100% confident in who you are and what you deserve, the alpha woman has the ability to completely destroy the way you think of yourself.

How do you know an alpha woman when you see her? Well, for starters, she’ll probably look (and act) like she’s out of your league – although she may treat you as if you’re a challenge to be conquered. This can feel amazing when it’s happening, but if you’re not ready to live up to her expectations, you might end up with a broken heart and a longing for the type of sex that no one else gave you before her – or since her.

The Scene Queen

This woman is on a quest to out-gay everyone else in the bar. She makes a point to be up on all the gay gossip, including outing people who aren’t ready to be out of the closet yet. She’ll also look and act a bit like an alpha, although it’s probably just an act – really, she doesn’t have the self-confidence to be a true Alpha, so she’s compromising by making everything about everyone else. Oh, and her reputation precedes her. Like, by a lot.

You’ll know her instantly when you see her, because she’ll remind you a bit of yourself right after you came out for the first time. She’s got a reputation to keep, after all, and she’s all about being the gayest she can possibly be. She wears flannel and snapbacks because “that’s what lesbians do”, not because they’re comfortable. She’s probably got a quirky hat that calls attention to how gay she really is, and the whole thing reeks of trying to fit in with the “cool kids”.

The Straight Girl

She can be hard to distinguish from the Scene Queen, because she, too, is trying to out-gay everyone (and everything) in the room. She may be surrounded by all of her gay friends, even if she just made them that very night. She’ll happily ask you all these intrusive questions about “what it’s like” to be a lesbian, but when you offer to “show” her, she’ll get really uncomfortable and leave – or, even worse, she’ll play along, just to leave you waiting for her as she sneaks out the back door.

How do you tell the difference between the straight girl and the Scene Queen? Don’t worry – the straight girl will tell you repeatedly that she’s just there for a good time, and that doesn’t include taking her panties off. But she’ll probably wait until after you’ve bought her a few (dozen) drinks. After all… She’s there to have a good time.

The Fall-Down Drunk

Definitely the easiest to spot, this woman is at the bar for one reason and one reason alone: She wants to get really, really drunk. She probably got started before she even left home, because she can’t afford to drink as many expensive drinks as she’d like, and getting a head start allows her to block out as many memories as she chooses. Sometimes, these women are already done before they even leave the house – in which case, we’d hope the bartender would be wise enough to cut them off, but that’s not always how it happens.

While she might seem like an “easy target”, it’s really, really important that you don’t try to go home with this girl. She may also fall in one of the other categories listed here, too. But the most important thing to remember is that she is way too drunk to give consent, or to remember what happened in the morning. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll puke on your shoes.

The Gold-Star Snob

The Gold-Star Snob knew she was gay from a very young age, and can’t wrap her head around the idea that someone else might take a little longer to come around. Someone who openly identifies as bisexual is completely out of the question – these women tend to be so biphobic that they may even (purposely) make the bisexuals in the room leave crying. What may be even worse is that they have no shame about verbally attacking the rest of the queer community, and pretend that they are the majority, which really isn’t the case.

Gold-Star Snobs will most likely only be surrounded by women who also identify as Gold Stars, whether snobbishly or not – and they tend to feel that man-hating is an inherent part of homosexuality, and that bisexuals are a “threat” to lesbians. They’re some of the worst perpetuators of the most negative stereotypes that are associated with the queer community and they have the audacity to blame everyone else. If you’re not sure if she’s a snob, just bring up any heteronormative movie. The GSS will gladly tell you what’s “wrong” with liking a movie that doesn’t have an all-queer storyline.

The Underage Girl

This is the woman who snuck into the gay bar without being old enough to do so, thereby putting the whole bar at risk of being shut down, because they haven’t mastered the level of self-control necessary to keep things legal. Not only is she (probably) drinking underage, but she may not even be the legal age of consent in y0ur region – which makes her particularly dangerous, especially if she falls into one of the other categories, as well.

She’s a bit harder to spot unless you happen to see her hand over that fake ID to the bartender or bouncer, and happen to recognize the not-government-issued backdrop it uses. Some fake IDs are better and harder to spot, though, and most likely the one with the obviously-fake ID won’t even be let in the front door. She’ll probably be up at the bar, ordering “whatever you recommend” from the bartender, or sending her not-underage friend to go order from her. Avoid her at all costs. She is dishonest and impulsive and may get you arrested.

The Loiterer

This woman is at the bar with absolutely no interest in getting drunk or getting laid. She’s just there for the music, and perhaps the second-hand smoke (if she’s recently quit smoking). And, while there really is nothing wrong with that, it’s most likely a waste of time for you to try hitting on her, as she’s not likely to be responsive to it. She’s honestly there only to have a good time – unlike the Straight Girl, who’s there to soak up as much of the queer culture as she possibly can without being “sucked into it”.

You can recognize this woman because she will be drinking nothing but water or soda, and probably dancing on the dancefloor all by herself. She may or may not be surrounded by friends in various stages of drunken behavior or shameless flirting, but when you try to hit on her, she’s going to turn you down with a simple “No thank you” and no further explanation.

The Taken

There are many ways to spot a woman who’s taken at the bar. If she’s sitting in the seat directly next to another woman (or a man – let’s be clear that this is also a possibility), she’s probably with that person. If she’s wearing a ring on her “engagement ring” finger, she’s probably taken. If she’s obviously a stud, and she’s holding a purse… Well… She’s probably taken.

Let’s be clear: Some women are in an open relationship, and they may be at the bar together trying to find someone to go home with both of them. But you should never assume this is the case. If it is the case, and she is interested in you, she’ll make the first move – she’s well aware of how terrible of an idea it is to hit on someone who’s quite obviously in a relationship. And, if she’s not interested in a threesome, her girlfriend might kick your ass if you try.

The Babysitter

She might not be gay. She might not be straight. She’s probably not drunk. She’ll be seen taking care of her definitely-drunk friends, and trying to prevent them from going into the ladies’ room with that total stranger. She can also be seen trying to diffuse the bar fights that happen when her fall-down-drunk friend is trying to hit on the woman who is obviously there with her girlfriend.

Let me clarify something about the Babysitter, though: She is an incredible woman to date. But tonight is not the night. She’s at the bar tonight because her friends drug her out, and she felt guilty about saying no, or maybe she feels responsible for them. Either way, she has other responsibilities tonight, and she’s not going to go home with you. She’ll be too busy making sure her friends get home safely and don’t choke on their own vomit (or someone else’s fist).

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12 More Queer Female Sex Scenes We’re Thankful For

Queer representation in films – it’s something we talk about a lot here, but we’re still amazed every time we come across an instance of “good” representation. Truthfully, it’s hard to judge what counts as “good” representation, because in every community there are going to be sub-communities of different opinions – and that’s part of what makes humanity so great.

Sex scenes, however, are a little easier to quantify. Are the women sexy? Are the women having “real” lesbian sex, instead of the male fantasy version? Well… That’s pretty much it. A good sex scene looks like inspiration for your own bedroom routine, or maybe it looks artistic and beautiful (in a more-than-skin-deep sort of way). Maybe we’re just drawn to the idea of writhing female bodies…

Whatever it is, we’ve decided to put together another list of female sex scenes that we loved. Are there more that we’re still missing? Feel free to let us know in the comments!

Helen Shaver and Patricia Charbonneu in Desert Hearts (1985)

I’ll admit: I love artsy sex scenes. I also love happy endings, where the queer characters don’t end up dead or in a relationship with a man. Desert Hearts has both of these things, and that makes it especially great – especially since this movie came out in the 80s! (I’m recently discovering that there are more queer 80s movies than I thought there were, and that makes me so happy.) Shaver and Charbonneu play Cay and Viv, who actually have lovely, artistic, beautiful, and believable sex, and it stands as one of the most pivotal lesbian films of all time.

Maria de Medeiros and Uma Thurman in Henry and June (1990)

Long before Pulp Fiction threw both actresses into the front lines of cinema, Medeiros and Thurman played the bisexual characters Anaïs and June in Henry and June. Okay, so it wasn’t that long before, but since I was only five months old when this movie came out, it seems like so much earlier. For those who love costume dramas (read: garters) and lesbian subplots, it’s so great to see these two women hooking up in such a taboo way. Sure, both women were married to men at the time, which is a stereotype we’d like to get away from, but hey… This one is based on a true story.

Natasha Lyonne and Clea DuVall in But I’m a Cheerleader! (1999)

This is another one of my personal favorites – Natasha Lyonne as Megan is a completely believable representation of those of us who started off completely uncomfortable with our “not-normal sexuality”, but later came to terms and fully embraced every ounce of gay we could muster up. (That one can’t be just me.) Unlike the normal boarding school cliché, Lyonne and DuVall play lesbians forced to attend a conversion therapy camp – something that hits close to home for so many of us. Graham (played by DuVall) is the perfect bad girl to complement Lyonne’s good girl Megan. And then, they break the #1 rule of straight camp: Beautiful, passionate, homosexual sex.

Michelle Williams and Chloe Sevigny in If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000)

Those who are familiar with the first If These Walls Could Talk will undoubtedly be familiar with the second, and its glorious lesbian storylines. I know, not everyone was a fan of this movie, but the dapper (and gorgeous!) butch Amy (played by Sevigny) manages to seduce the young college student Linda (played by Williams)… After quite a bit of trying. Surely, there’s something special at play here, and while they weren’t the only lesbian couple in the movie (far from it!), their sex scene felt so real and so passionate that it’s hard to find another we like as much as this one.

Piper Perabo and Jessica Paré in Lost and Delirious (2001)

However you might feel about the movie itself (because apparently there are a lot of people who really hated this movie), there’s no denying the fact that these two share a great on-screen chemistry and fully embody the scary, romantic, super awkward moments involved with your first (lesbian) love – including, of course, sharing a love scene. Plus, it takes place at a boarding school, which embodies something I think is most lesbians’ fantasy: The idea of going to an all-girl school, with Piper Perabo… No? Just me?

Naomi Watts and Laura Harring in Mulholland Drive (2001)

I’m a huge fan of Naomi Watts, so the idea that she could, theoretically, play a lesbian/bisexual character makes me really excited – especially when there’s sex involved. Okay, so this one isn’t technically a sex scene. It’s a foreplay scene that’s wrapped up with some wit, some raw honesty, and a whole bunch of sensuality – it actually makes up for the fact that there was no actual “sex” here. And besides, there’s nothing wrong with foreplay – we should really be featuring more foreplay in our movies, so I’m just going to leave this one on the list.

Salma Hayek and Karine Plantadit in Frida (2002)

Personally, this one checks off several of my go-to topics. Bisexual leading character(s)? Check. Historical fiction that’s based on real characters? Check. One of my favorite artists from the past? Definitely check. And Salma Hayek, arguably one of the sexiest women to ever grace the big screen… Big check. While Frida Kahlo (played here by Hayek) was rumored to have many lovers over the course of her life, I was slightly disappointed that she never hooked up with Ashley Judd’s character, despite the obvious sexual tension present… There was only one brief (but beautiful) lesbian sex scene in the movie, with a character referred to on the IMDB page as “Paris chanteuse” – played by Plantadit.

Rachel Stirling and Anna Chancellor in Tipping the Velvet (2002)

Queer movies are still fairly new to the visibility they so greatly deserve. But queer movies based on queer books? Even less visible. Of course, Sarah Waters’ books are part of a very small list of exceptions – and Tipping the Velvet gives an incredible look at the wonderful meshing of historical fiction with an awesome queer storyline. Oh, and there’s a dildo-sex scene that was probably the most risqué view of lesbian life to be shown on television in those days before The L Word. The movie chronicles “male impersonators” in London at the end of the 19^th century, and we get to see Nan (played by Stirling) pleasuring her new sugar mama, Diana (played by Chancellor). It’s probably not the dirtiest sex scene out there, but for a TV movie in the early 2000s, this was pretty racy.

Michelle Krusiec and Lynn Chen in Saving Face (2004)

What do you get when you mix cultural differences, romantic love stories, and the awkwardness of having your pregnant mom move in with you? Saving Face explores the intersection of these three usually-separated topics in a way that feels so real, and simultaneously so surreal. It’s not often that you really can have both, but Krusiec and Chen do such a wonderful job that you can feel the sexual tension through the screen – and you’re just as “relieved” as they are when they finally get to business.

Erin Kelly and Diane Gaidry in Loving Annabelle (2006)

Ah, that forbidden student-teacher romance, at… Wait, is this another boarding school movie? It sure is! I’m sensing maybe I’m not the only one who’s thought about this type of fantasy. Or, maybe it’s a fantasy because of all these awesome queer movies set in boarding schools. Either way, Annabelle (played by Kelly) and her teacher Simone (played by Gaidry) are electric together – and may possibly have ignited that other fantasy of getting it on with your hot teacher. Never personally had that one, myself, but most of my teachers were old, married, and men, so maybe that’s it.

Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried in Chloe (2009)

First of all, for those of you who haven’t seen it yet, this movie is seriously twisted, and probably one of my favorites. (It’s also the first movie I saw either of these lovely actresses play a bisexual character.) Anyway, it’s questionable as to whether Chloe (played by Seyfried) ever actually seduced Catherine’s husband, but we do know that she seduced Catherine (played by Moore) and it was completely intense. The entire movie is intense. I’m sure not everyone will like the portrayal of a bisexual character as a raging psychopath, but to me, it feels real. Not because bisexuals are psychopaths, of course, but because sometimes, the crazies are the ones you’d least expect.

Heather Graham and Diane Farr in About Cherry (2012)

For those who really aren’t into that floaty, artistic, gorgeously romantic sex stuff, About Cherry offers a different side of things – the dirty, gritty, opposite-side-of-passion that exists between Graham’s Margaret and her estranged wife Jillian (played by Farr). As much as I’ve loved Ashley Hinshaw (who plays the titular character) and wish she would have gotten some girl-on-girl action in this movie, sadly, she doesn’t – but it’s still nice to see lesbians getting freaky without it being over-feminized. Plus, who doesn’t love Heather Graham playing a queer character? I can’t get enough!

The 6 Women You Should Avoid Dating Online

I’m a big advocate for online dating. In the age of technology, it can become addicting to know all the important information about someone before you make things “real” and “official”. Truthfully, in the queer community, it’s often easier to date online, especially if you’re not out in your local community. But, as expansive as the online dating pool is (and as much as we advocate not limiting yourself to a certain “type”), there are some women you should probably avoid if you want to keep your sanity intact. (And, it should go without saying, but… You should probably also avoid being one of these women.)

The woman who’s already in a relationship.

This should go without saying, but if a woman is in a “committed relationship” and she’s not totally committed to it, she’s really not good relationship material. In some cases, her significant other might know that she’s looking for someone else, and in these cases, you can proceed with caution. But if her current partner has no idea that she’s looking for someone new, run. Fast and far.

The gold-digger.

It should be pretty obvious that a woman who’s only after your money is to be avoided. But you might think you’re safe if you don’t have a lot of money yourself. Truthfully, there are women who will gladly suck dry the financial means of another, rather than make things happen on their own. If she has no job, and no desire to get a job, chances are she’s just looking for someone to support her. Run.

The snob.

There are so many different types of snobs. Some of them will look down on you if you come from a different background. Some will talk to you as if you’re a child. Some will make a point to tell you how much they’re not a snob, because, “look at me, dating you even though I’m better than you – so I can’t be a snob!” But these women are bad news. They’ve already decided that they are better than you, and will either date you out of pity or because they feel they have to be the “better” one in the relationship. Either way, they’re secretly not so great, and you’ll find that out pretty quick once you’ve started actually dating them.

The woman with her wedding planned out already.

Okay, maybe this one is a bit of a generalization. I was engaged to the “big ex” before my current partner, and we actually got quite a ways into our wedding planning before I finally admitted that she was horrible to me. But this is not something that my current partner knew from the start. If you haven’t even met face to face yet, and she’s already talking about “your” wedding or starting a family together… Get out while you still can. She doesn’t want you. She wants to be a wife. (And she may also fall under the “gold digger” category.)

The proud self-proclaimed bitch.

This one is pretty obvious. The woman who makes a point to let you know that she doesn’t care if she hurts your feelings, is never going to care if she hurts your feelings. You can’t magically fix her. You can’t make her stop being who she is. She can’t make you magically be less sensitive. If she hurts your feelings right away and doesn’t even seem to care, let her go – you can thank me later.

The curious woman.

Let me be clear: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious. Most of us identified as curious before we identified as bisexual or lesbians. There is nothing wrong with experimenting with your sexuality. But a relationship should not be an experiment, and if you’re dating a woman who doesn’t know if she likes women – and expecting something serious to come of it – you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m not saying she’s necessarily straight. But she might be.

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13 Queer Female Sex Scenes We’re Very Thankful For

One of the least argued lesbian stereotypes out there is that we, as lesbians, enjoy a good lesbian movie. The problem is, they’re so few and far between, that we end up watching so many more bad movies, and that sort of sucks.

If you’re looking for some inspiration for lesbian movies with amazing sex scenes, this handy list should help. Let us know in the comments if there’s one you think we’ve missed!

Ruby Rose and Christina Ricci in Around the Block

This is one of those random ‘remember when that happened?’ things that only lovers of Australian cinema or under-the-radar lesbian movie scenes will have noticed; back in the depths of 2013, Ruby Rose and Christina Ricci got it on

Karyn Dwyer and Christina Cox in Better than Chocolate (1999)

Better than Chocolate happens to be a personal favorite of mine (and not because my high school crush turned me onto it). No, the chemistry between Maggie and Kim (Dwyer and Cox, respectively) can be felt from the very first day – and it mirrors that type of whirlwind romance we all secretly wish we could get in our lives, peppered with some brutal reality. Oh, and there’s a sex scene with paint that results in some glorious and slightly awkward wall art. What more do you need?

Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan (2010)

Let me repeat: Natalie Portman. Mila Kunis. Sex scene. You’re welcome.

Laurel Holloman and Nicole Ari Parker in The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (1995)

It’s not too often that we see girl-on-girl sex scenes in movies that aren’t just two highly feminine characters, and personally, I think that’s probably part of why I adore Better than Chocolate so much. But, TITAO2GIL, as I shall call it now, shows a super cute (and super young) Holloman, long before her days on The L Word, with the popular girl from school – and an adorable, amusing, and totally relatable “first time” sex scene ensues.

Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger (1983)

Move over, Twilight – bisexual women had their vampire-human love triangle desires quenched way earlier. This movie follows Miriam (Deneuve) and John (David Bowie), both vampires, and their torrid love affair with the human Dr. Sarah Roberts (played by Sarandon). Of course, when you’ve got vampires, and women who love other women, there’s going to be some happy lesbians in the crowd, am I right?

Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell in Gia (1998)

Usually, TV movies and lesbian storylines don’t really mix (well, until much more recently). But Gia tells the mostly-true story of lesbian supermodel Gia Carangi, played by young Jolie. Mitchell plays her long-time partner in the film, and the sex scenes (which are actually surprisingly graphic, for a TV movie) are sure to draw you in. If you haven’t seen this one yet, make sure you add it to your own personal list!

Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly in Bound (1996)

Some types of movies have an implied quota for sex scenes. The 1996 mob thriller Bound definitely delivered – and then some. It won a GLAAD Media Award the next year for Outstanding Wide-Release Film – which is no surprise, given the reputation set by writer-slash-director team Andy and Lana Wachowski (the same Wachowskis who later worked on the Matrix trilogy). This movie is definitely a modern classic, and the chemistry between Gershon and Tina is clearly visible. If you haven’t seen it yet, make sure you do!

Elena Anaya and Natasha Yarovenko in Room in Rome (2010)

Let me put it this way: This movie is called Room in Rome. And it’s about strangers… in a hotel room. In Rome. It’s already implied that there is going to be sex, but the way the two end up falling into a much deeper connection makes it magical, and pretty much guarantees that you’re going to want to watch it again and again.

Necar Zadegan and Traci Dinwiddie in Elena Undone (2010)

What do you do when you, the pastor’s wife and stay-at-home-mother, fall in love with a gorgeous lesbian actress and have to juggle the complexities of discretion? Well, that’s what this movie is about, and as you might guess, there’s quite a bit of sexual tension, eventually culminating in hot, passionate sex. Because how else would the movie move forward?

Ruth Vega Fernandez and Liv Mjönes in With Every Heartbeat/Kyss Mig (2011)

I hate to admit that I have not actually seen this movie yet (but it is on my “To Watch” list for this year, I promise!). This one tells the story of Mia and Frida (Fernandez and Mjönes, respectively) who start an inconveniently-timed affair – one which starts at the engagement party of their parents. To each other. Making them soon-to-be step-sisters. Now, I’m not sure about you, but that sounds like it has the potential to go catastrophically bad… And I am definitely interested.

Sheetal Sheth and Lisa Ray in I Can’t Think Straight (2008)

I mean… Have you seen either of these women? No further explanations necessary.

Avalon Barrie and Lyudmila Shiryaeva in Summer Lover/Sappho (2008)

This film covers the taboo love affair between newlywed Sappho (played by Barrie) and Helene (played by Shiryaeva) while the former is on her honeymoon. I know, I know, the “let’s cheat on my new husband with a woman” trope is overdone, and quite frankly, I agree. But these women are gorgeous, and realistically, her husband is actually kind of a jerk, so… I guess we’ll look past it this one time.

Valeria Solarino and Isabella Ragonese in The Sea Purple/Viola di Mare (2009)

Okay, I like a little realism and relatability in my movies (except my horror movies – please keep those as far away from real life as possible, please!). Whether it’s a realistic representation, such as butch queer characters, or historical representations – I’m in. The Sea Purple is a semi-true story about gender roles in the 19^th century, and the complexities of falling for your childhood best friend. Sigh. Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s been there before.

The 12 Cutest Fictional Queer Female Couples

Admit it: When you see an adorable queer couple in a TV show, you feel a little bit of extra love for that show. Sometimes, we end up watching these shows just for the OTP we see – and it’s because they speak to what we want out of our own relationships. Whether they remind us of the relationships we want or the relationships we’re actually in, these couples really hit the nail on the head.

(Note: There may be spoilers within, so if you haven’t seen the movie or show that the couple is in, be warned.)

Which is your favorite? Do you have more to add? Don’t forget to comment and let us know!

Adele and Emma (Blue is the Warmest Color)

This is one of the biggest lesbian movies to come out in the past few years, and it’s not hard to see why so many people identify with this movie. Not only is it a believable lesbian love story, but it also intertwines the feelings involved with being a young adult – brilliantly portrayed in an artsy way that will send feelings of nostalgia to pretty much anyone. Although the movie has been criticized for the use of artificial vaginas in the sex scenes, what’s more important here – a realistic story, or actual sex? We’d prefer the first, thank you!

Betty and Helen (Masters of Sex)

However you might feel about the whole “marriage of convenience” idea, this movie – like Carol – deals with the difficulties of same-sex relationships in the middle of the last century. At the end, they end up coming out in the open anyway, and you can’t help but say “aww” as their relationship blossoms into something else. (Plus, who hasn’t wanted to see Sarah Silverman as a lesbian?)

Brittany and Santana (Glee)

These two opened the door for those who might be afraid to come out because of their social status in school – how often do you hear about lesbian cheerleaders?! (Porn excluded, of course.) These two shared a love that covered a whole range of emotions, and they even helped to bring a non-sexualized view of lesbian relationships to mainstream media – with these two being the most prominent example of a lesbian couple that isn’t just targeted at lesbians. (Although we probably love them just a little more.)

Carol and Therese (Carol)

Personally, I love historical looks at lesbian life, and these two are a great example of what lesbian life looked like in the ‘50s – including all the secrets, all the hiding, and all the complications involved. What’s even more impactful is that there are still so many people who are wrapped up in similar situations, even with the world’s “more liberal” leanings. Everything these two went through was so heartbreaking, not only for the pain they felt, but because it serves as a reminder that we really haven’t made that much progress in the last 60 years.

(*Note – We have made a lot of progress, in general, but there’s still so much more to be done.)

Dana and Alice (The L Word)

Maybe it’s just the sexual tension that was building up for so long by the time they actually got together, but Dana and Alice were definitely one of the cutest couples on The L Word. We were rooting for them from the start, and then when they finally became an item, it’s like all our cute little romantic prayers were answered.

Delphine and Cosima (Orphan Black)

While their relationship might have been a bit weird at first, it’s always nice to know that your partner knows you inside and out – and, truly, these two have a scientific connection that all of us who don’t live in a sci-fi world will probably never understand. More than that, Delphine represents the straight-girl-crush-turned-true-love that we all kinda wish happened more often.

Jules and Nic (The Kids Are All Right)

While much of this movie is a bit uncomfortable, the way the movie shows the lesbian moms in this movie is raw, believable, and honest – something that we don’t often see. These two will work their way into your heart and ensure that their relationship isn’t one you’ll soon forget. Even if you hate the rest of the movie (as some people do), Jules and Nic are the older lesbian couple we all secretly wish we knew.

Lena and Stef (The Fosters)

Ah, another set of lesbian moms that we all wish we could be – or have! Lena and Stef have their fair share of problems, but that’s what makes them realistic, and it melts our heart the way they manage to balance their “problem kids” with their love for each other. Their relationship could be strained or full of resentment, but it’s not, and we’re grateful for that.

Luce and Rachel (Imagine Me & You)

It’s hard to not love Piper Perabo or Lena Headey by themselves, so the two in a relationship together? Extra loveable, for sure. Not only is this one of those rare tales where the “bi-curious woman” doesn’t end up going back to her man, but they’re also super adorable together, even right from the start. There’s even a pretty believable almost-sex scene, where the ladies have that awkward first-timer sex that most lesbian films pretend is perfect. Hello, the first time is usually not perfect – so kudos to the director for making this one realistic.

Pauline and Victoria (Lost & Delirious)

Ah, boarding school love – one of the dream fantasies of the lesbian community (and also one of the biggest fantasies of the straight male community, but that’s not what we’re talking about here). These two learned about themselves, and each other, and ripped at our heartstrings as they did it. The movie might seem a little dated now, but it’s considered one of the classics of lesbian cinema. Just try to watch it without crying – I dare you!

Shane and Carmen (The L Word)

However you personally feel about Shane, I can pretty much guarantee that you were royally pissed off when she left Carmen just because her dad told her she’d do it eventually – and “might as well be now” or whatever stupid words he actually used. Carmen brought a sense of balance to Shane, and we were really, really hoping they’d end up together. Shame on you, Shane, for throwing away the best thing to ever happen to you. Shame! (It also doesn’t hurt that Carmen was my #1 favorite character from the entire show, but hey… That’s just how things go sometimes.)

Syd and Ali (Transparent)

It’s always a little rough when you are dealing with a character who didn’t come out prior to the start of their same-sex relationship, but season two of Transparent handled it the best way they could – and I, for one, am thankful for that. There might be some who doubt the authenticity of this relationship, but we can’t help but hope that they’ll figure everything out in the end. (Fingers crossed!)

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10 Reminders for Every Woman Who Doesn’t Think She’s Perfect

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in our recent history, self-esteem became this taboo thing for women. When we’re given a compliment, the “polite” thing to do is to reject the notion, and to assume that the other person is just being polite. With as much as the media has taken over our lives, it can get really hard to not think that someone else is more attractive than you.

Unfortunately for some of us, it’s not always just the media that does it to us. We do it to ourselves, or maybe we’ve had someone in our lives who did it to us. We end up turning to the people who are close to us, and seek their validation – even though we’ll just reject it and replace it with our own, anyway. It really doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I know I’m not the only person who does this.

And yet, when we’re trying to be that person for our friends and loved ones, it comes so much easier. “You’re just as pretty as she is,” we’ll tell them. “You’re smart and funny, too – you’re the whole package!” These are the same things they’ll tell us one day, but we can’t accept that they mean it… Even though we mean it when we say it. You just don’t go lying to your besties, after all.

So why do we like to lie to ourselves so much? How come it’s so hard to think positive things about ourselves, and tell ourselves the things we need to hear?

Personally, I’m in the middle of some life-changing revolutions right now, and one of the biggest is trying to realign my positivity (something we all could benefit from, to be honest). Here are some affirmations for those days when you feel less than your best. Consciousness creates reality, after all, so the more you believe these things are true, the truer they’ll be for you. Give it a try!

1. Beauty is subjective.

Just because one person doesn’t see beauty doesn’t mean no one sees the beauty. No matter how you feel about yourself, there is someone out there who thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous. In fact, there are probably more people who find you attractive than you think!

2. It doesn’t matter how many people think you’re beautiful.

What matters is how you see yourself. Women who are “conventionally attractive” can feel that they’re not beautiful, too – and no matter how many people tell them otherwise, they still won’t believe it until they can see it, too.

3. Beauty is a choice.

No matter what mistakes you’ve made in life, your true beauty comes from within. Your external beauty may change over time, but that doesn’t make your true beauty fade – it just changes, and sometimes new is good. If you choose to be beautiful, you are beautiful.

4. Beauty is eternal.

While choosing to feel beautiful is a daily occurrence, that doesn’t mean that your beauty isn’t there on the days you don’t feel it. It just means that it’s hiding. Once you’re ready to embrace your beauty again, it’ll still be there – true beauty never fades.

5. Happiness is beautiful.

If you are living a life that you love, bringing joy and happiness to yourself and others, you are beautiful – inside and out. Even on the days it’s hard to smile, focusing on the positive side of things will infuse a little more beauty into your everyday life.

6. Positivity is the key.

Part of my current revolution involves focusing on the positives in my life, and once you do that, you really do become unstoppable. We might find it easier to focus on the one thing we dislike about ourselves, rather than the ten things we love about ourselves, but if we allow the positive things to have a voice, they will soon become loud enough to drown out the negativity.

7. Beauty has no specifics.

Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with fashion, or makeup, or any definitions you’ll find. True beauty is a reflection of our innermost thoughts, and can’t be assigned a specific label. If you feel beautiful, you are beautiful.

8. Accept compliments – and give them freely.

If someone compliments you on something they love about you, take the compliment! When did it get so wrong to let ourselves feel good about ourselves? It doesn’t have to be a comment about your appearance, either – and, in fact, you should do your best to give compliments based on “deeper things”, like someone’s character, their diligence, and their sense of humor. These things are beautiful, too.

9. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

If new clothes make you feel beautiful, treat yourself! If a walk in the open air brings beauty and joy into your life, do that. For me, it’s my writing – being able to put words onto a page gives meaning to my day. Think of what makes you feel beauty, and make an effort to do more of that.

10. Don’t worry about other people.

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s idea of beautiful, you’re never going to feel beautiful. Instead, focus on what you think is valuable, and live a life that shines. You are a glorious human being and no one can tell you otherwise. Now, get out there and be beautiful!

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A Queer Woman’s Bucket List

I think I might be a list addict.

I’m constantly making lists of everything in my life. Most recently, I started thinking about all the queer rites-of-passage that I still have yet to experience, as well as all those that I have had the pleasure of doing.

How many of these bucket list items have you done?

1. Travel to San Francisco, at least once (extra credit if it’s during Pride).

I was fortunate enough to be invited along with some friends going to San Francisco Pride a few years ago, and it truly is a magical experience. I have yet to experience Pride in any other big cities, so I’m definitely open to checking out some of the greats – but San Francisco Pride is definitely a magical celebration that’s not soon to be forgotten.

2. Go to a Pride parade.

If you don’t have the benefit of being a couple hours away from San Francisco (like I am), really, any big city Pride parades are magical, from what I’ve heard. Just do your best to make sure you’re in a gay-friendly area, as unfortunately people aren’t so great, and horrible things can happen. Make sure you’re safe!

3. Make a close group of lesbian friends.

I honestly wish I had more lesbian friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have a few, but most of them have dated one another, so it’s pretty awkward… Seeing as that’s how I met them. It would be so nice to have a group of lesbians to hang out with who didn’t hate each other’s guts, but I guess I’ll settle for Facebook friends… for now.

4. Switch up your wardrobe.

People catch a lot of shade for changing up their style every now and then, but it’s not our natural instinct to stay the same our whole lives. Not too long ago, my “default style” was baggy t-shirts and those horrible pants with all the chains all over them. Now I can’t even stand the idea of either of those things… I’d much rather wear a flowy dress and a tank top. It’s completely normal to switch up your style, and don’t let anyone ever tell you that “going through a phase” is a bad thing. You’ve got to change to figure out who you really are, and who you like being.

5. Drastically change your hair.

For the longest time, I refused to cut my hair. When I was in 7^th grade, it actually went down to the back of my knees – it had been probably seven years since I got more than a trim. Now I can’t stand my hair staying the same for so long. I love to dye it, cut it, experiment with colors and textures. And why not? Your hair is literally made of the same stuff as your fingernails. If you paint or cut your nails, there’s no logical reason you can’t do the same to your hair – so enjoy some creative expression!

6. Read some queer literature.

I’m not talking about just steamy erotica novels (although those are sometimes a good read, too). Find some “serious” literature, either by a queer author or about queer subjects, and read the hell out of it! There’s so much out there, and you might have to do a little digging to find it, but the right book can help make up for a little of the bad representation we see in other forms of entertainment. (Here’s a handy list of some queer books you can start with.)

7. Start over in a new city.

Okay, I’ll admit… I kinda do this one a lot. I don’t like feeling like I “have to” stay somewhere, so I’ll move pretty much any time I have the opportunity to. After we recently moved back to the town I grew up in (where my girlfriend had never lived before), we started talking about where we’re going to live next – because one single place is never in my long-term plans. It’s super refreshing to start over somewhere fresh… And there’s no harm in moving back “home” if things don’t work out.

8. Become an active member of the queer community, in a way that makes sense for you.

Not everyone is meant to be an activist or a politician or a performer, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay a silent part of the community. There’s literally something for everyone – my activity of choice is writing, as I’m sure you can tell. The important thing is that you find your thing and do the best job at it you can. The queer community is counting on you!

9. Have a serious, live-in girlfriend.

Even those who have all but sworn off love will, at some point, end up with a serious girlfriend. Now, there are two main reactions the first time this happens: Some people realize that it’s definitely not for them, and they keep things casual from then on out… Until someone comes along and changes their mind (again) and the cycle starts all over. Others wonder why they didn’t do it sooner, and end up having serious relationships with a good portion of their subsequent girlfriends. Neither one of these is “right” or “wrong”, but you have to at least try it.

10. Get over your insecurities.

Most people are insecure about something, and while there are often “triggers” for these insecurities, it’s up to each person to work them out and move past them. This means that if you’re worried about your weight, do something about it! (And if you’re already exercising and eating well and you’re still bigger, don’t worry about the specific numbers – your health is more important.) If you’re worried about your job, work toward getting a better one. If you can’t bring yourself to ask a woman out, practice until you can do it. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, but there is something wrong with complaining about something you’re not trying to fix.

11. Come to terms with rejection.

Almost everyone has been rejected before – either by a crush, a potential employer, or maybe even by a parent (although I hope that’s not the case for most). We, as humans, tend to focus too much on what that rejection says about us, but in most cases it’s more of a reflection of the other person. You are always free to use this rejection as motivation to improve yourself, but take care not to change who you are as a person.

12. Come out of the closet.

If you haven’t come out yet, you should. Not because the world deserves to know your personal details, but because you deserve to live out in the open. Understandably, there are certain situations where coming out would be dangerous and unsafe, and of course I don’t recommend that you out yourself in those situations – but it’s my hope for each and every one of you that you can one day be 100% honest about who you are. And remember, there are different types of closets.

13. Have a good straight friend.

I’ve actually been blessed in this department – I probably have more straight friends than I have lesbian friends. (Although some of my “straight” friends have recently come out as bisexual and pansexual, so I’m not sure where the division really lands now.) But as important as it is to have friends who understand what it’s like to be gay, it’s also important not to alienate those who don’t know what it’s like to be gay. If you’re just collecting queer friends and passing over all the gems that aren’t queer, you’re really missing out on some great friendship opportunities.

14. Date a bisexual woman.

I know there are a lot of bisexuals who don’t want to be treated as a token, so rest assured – that’s not what I mean here. I simply mean that you should be open to the idea of dating a bisexual woman. There is a tremendous amount of biphobia in the lesbian community, and in most cases, it’s completely unfounded. If you’re completely closed to the idea of dating a bisexual woman, you are discriminating – pure and simple. It’s okay to have preferences, but it’s not okay to make someone else feel inferior if they don’t fit into your “type”.

15. Learn how to gracefully say “no” – without feeling guilty about it.

I’m so bad about trying to appease people. I know, you can’t please everyone, but I’d break my back trying before I’d admit that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. As much as I tell myself that the only approval that matters is my own, I’m still struggling to say no without feeling bad afterward. It’s an important milestone I still have yet to cross.

16. Date someone who’s not your type.

Maybe the person who’s “not your type” is the bisexual woman from #14. Or, maybe she’s not. There are no rules, here, except that you’ve got to break your own rules every now and then. Let me repeat it for those in the back row: It’s okay to have preferences. But if you’re limiting your options, you’re limiting your options. Be open to new things!

17. Purge all the drama from your life.

Most of us hate dealing with drama. Or, at least we say we do. But realistically, if there’s a lot of drama in your life on a regular basis, you’re welcoming it in. If you really want to live drama-free, you’ve got to take a stand and get rid of the drama. Negative friends, people who refuse to improve their lives, and those who are always focused on someone else’s business aren’t right for you. Part of being an adult is recognizing it and putting an end to it.

18. Get over your first love.

I’m sure there are some people reading who are actually still with their first love, and while I’m so happy for you, statistically speaking, it probably isn’t going to last the rest of your life – and that’s okay. The pain from losing your first love is very real, and as much as it hurts, you will be a million times stronger once you get past it. You’ll be smarter, too, and you’ll be able to treat your second love that much better.

19. Evaluate your safer sex methods and diligence.

There are so many lesbians who feel that they don’t need to practice safer sex because we fall in a so-called “low risk” demographic. As nice of a thought as that is, it’s simply not true. Lesbians are at risk for a number of STDs that don’t even have recognizable symptoms in women. No matter how solid your methods seem, it’s important to get tested regularly, and get educated on same-sex sexual health (especially since it’s so rarely taught in schools).

20. Date someone with a significant age difference.

If you date someone much older than you, you get the chance to benefit from your partner’s wisdom and experience. If you date someone significantly younger, you get the chance to give your partner the benefit of your wisdom and experience. While you probably shouldn’t choose someone solely based on their age, we feel that everyone should experience an age-gap relationship at least once in their life.

21. Go to a queer concert.

Okay, I’ll admit: I’ve never gone to an out queer artist’s concert. I feel like I’m slacking, both as a lesbian and as a music lover. But I did attend a Joan Jett concert a couple years back, and she’s a pretty solid lesbian icon, even if she doesn’t identify as a lesbian herself. Once I have the money, I plan to do a little mini-tour of my own, and hit up the concerts of some of the greats. (Feel free to suggest some great queer artists for me in the comments – I’m always looking for new music inspiration!)

22. Use a dating app – and score a date.

Honestly, even with the state of technology being what it is now, there are still so many unnecessary stereotypes about using dating apps. It seems pretty silly, actually – I mean, here is this app that was literally designed because of people who struggled in the dating scene. Most lesbians struggle in the dating scene. So why do we judge each other for using something that was designed to fix that exact problem? And if you’re doing things safely and respectfully, it’s no different than meeting someone through friends, except that you know all the big deal breakers ahead of time.

23. Stop slut- and prude-shaming, both yourself and others.

It’s okay to enjoy sex. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. People realistically fall in all different areas of the spectrum, and it’s extremely unlikely that you’re even going to find someone who’s into all the same stuff you’re into. Why, then, do we assume that everyone else should feel exactly the same way that we do about sex?

The subject of shaming goes even further, though, because it uses misogynistic beliefs and hurtful language to assume things about a person’s identity – things that are, by definition, different from person to person and often unpredictable based on the qualifiers we use. From a logical standpoint, slut- and prude-shaming make zero sense – it’s time to put an end to both.

24. Become completely honest with yourself, about everything.

Life is about balance, and while most of us understand this, we forget to include ourselves in the equation – meaning no matter how balanced things appear, they’re missing a huge chunk. According to Hal Elrod (author of The Miracle Morning), “Creating your ‘level 10 life’ begins with creating an honest assessment of where you are.” Basically, this means that you have to be honest about every aspect of your life, at least to yourself, otherwise you literally cannot actually be happy. (My current favorite blogger has a great post about the Level 10 Life concept – and I’ve actually got “map out my level 10 life” on my to-do list for tonight.)

25. Learn to drive a U-haul and a pickup truck.

Okay, maybe I’m playing to lesbian stereotypes a little bit here, but as someone who’s going to be turning 26 years old and still can’t drive a car without having a panic attack, this is actually a pretty big goal for me. Hopefully I can cross this one off before I turn 30.)

26. Redecorate your room, so you can tell a real grown-up lives there.

If you’re over the age of 25 and your bedroom still looks pretty similar to how it looked when you were a teenager… It’s time to start thinking like an adult. Truthfully, there’s some wiggle room here – you’re definitely allowed to be a whimsical adult. But by age 30, you need real furniture, matching bed sets, and curtains – not to mention the ability to keep up on your laundry. Trust me, if you make sure your bedroom looks like an adult lives there, you’re going to feel a lot more like an adult, too.

27. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Often we feel guilty about the mistakes we’ve made in the past, especially if our actions hurt someone else. But feeling remorse about something is your mind’s way of telling you that you learned your lesson – and it’s time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The person you hurt has no obligation to forgive you, but you do have an obligation to forgive yourself.

Of course, this won’t happen until you’ve reached a point in your life where you have learned from your mistakes. While you’re still learning, you’re going to be frustrated, tempted, and a great deal of other painful feelings. You can’t move past your mistakes simply because someone else wants you to. You have to move on because you’re ready to, and often this will involve creating a completely new life without the person (or people) you hurt.

Lesbian Dilemmas: Choosing A Friend After A Break Up (Video)

When your friends break up, do you have to choose?

Yes, and no. Well, yes, because you know it will just get super awkward.

You become that on connection – the ex connection, the mutual friend who knows way too much, yet has to remain completely mutual through every drama, argument and new girlfriend.

Its tough…

Why My First (And Probably Best) Relationship Was with My Childhood Dog

I’ve had pets for as long as I can remember. When I was 7, I was that “creepy girl” who brought their snake to show-and-tell (as well as a mouse because… Well, 7-year-olds are supposed to like that sort of thing, right?). This was probably the first time I realized I was a little different than the other girls… Only a few boys stuck around to witness me feeding the snake, and all the girls ran away squealing.

I had a few birds, too, which seems weird looking back since I don’t like birds so much now. We had cats, fish, more snakes, dogs, and even a cow. (Although, to be fair, the cow was kept at someone else’s house – for some reason, my parents wouldn’t let me bring it to my little corner of suburbia. Something about how it wouldn’t fit through the dog door.)

With all these pets, there’s one who stuck out above the rest: A dog named Oren.

My mom was a pizza delivery driver at the time, and Oren was a “tip” from one of her customers. (As strange as that already is, it’s not even the weirdest tip she ever got.) This dog was everything that you hope for with a pet dog. He listened to everything he was told, even if we hadn’t implicitly taught him the command yet.

When I slept, he was right by my feet. When I went trick-or-treating, he’d walk me up to the door and wait patiently for me to get my candy before leading me to the next house. When I walked to the store (just a few blocks away in the small town I lived), he’d make sure no one hassled me along the way, and he’d wait right outside the door until I was ready to walk home.

He was one of my best friends… Not that I had too many friends because of the aforementioned “let’s bring a snake to show and tell” fiasco. He taught me what to expect from someone who cared about me – and as strange as it seems to say it like that, there are actually a lot of similarities between a good dog and a good partner.

He was truly loyal.

He loved going for car rides, but he wouldn’t get in someone else’s car. Only ours. He was nice to everyone, but he reserved his extra attention for us. If anyone even threatened to mess with me, my brother, or the house, he turned into the meanest dog you’d ever seen – but once they were off the property, his job was done, and he’d sit. When someone who wasn’t supposed to be at the house would come, he’d chase them as far as the gate – and then sit.

We never had to close the gate, because he understood who fed him and who took care of him, and we never had to wonder where he would be.

He was helpful.

On grocery day, he’d hold the door open for us by sitting in front of it. If I brought rocks in the house (something I always did, despite being told numerous times that I shouldn’t), he’d take them back outside for me before I forgot. If I tried to sneak any random animals in the house (usually garden snakes or frogs), he’d block the door until I put the critter down.

He was fun.

I’ve had a lot of dogs who were afraid of trampolines, but Oren wasn’t one of them. If I was on the trampoline, he was on the trampoline – having at least twice as much fun as I did. I’m pretty sure we even napped out on the trampoline a few times. My brother and I were His People, and if we needed anything, he was right there – even if what we needed was just a friend.

He was gorgeous, in his own way.

He wasn’t the most “conventionally attractive” dog – just some random mutt with a “muddy” color pattern – but that didn’t stop him from being one of the most beautiful dogs I’ve ever owned. Maybe it was just because of how amazing he was in every other way, but his long, silky, mottled coat was something almost mesmerizing.

He cleaned up after himself.

I’ve been trying to teach my puppy to clean up her own toys like Oren did, but so far it’s not working out so well. Oren didn’t have as many toys, but he kept him together. (After spending the last several days taking care of my nieces and nephews in addition to my puppy, I’m really starting to miss having something that kept up on its own mess.) He never had any accidents in the house, he never left treat crumbs all over the floor, and he certainly never left his tennis balls in the middle of the walkway.

He cleaned up after me.

If I left my toys all over the place, he’d nudge them out of the walkway so that I didn’t get in trouble for it. If I dropped some food on the floor (as eight-year-olds are likely to do) he’d clean that up, too – but only after he was told he could. He even made sure I got in the shower when I was told to, by badgering me until I did. Hey, don’t pretend you don’t need someone to push you to take a shower sometimes.

He gave me gifts.

He knew I liked rocks, so he would leave some pretty ones near my playset on the front porch. He knew I liked frogs, so he’d dig them up for me – and then make sure I didn’t take them in the house. He even helped to deliver some gifts bought by my parents – without messing up the wrapping. “Take this to Barbara,” they’d say, and he would.

He was forgiving.

I remember one summer day, he napped in the shade of my brother’s truck, instead of the truck bed. My brother had been in a hurry and forgot to check under the truck before pulling out, and Oren got hurt. (Thankfully, only his tail was run over, so there was a little kink in it, but no serious injuries.) The very same day, Oren cuddled with my brother at bedtime – to let him know that he wasn’t mad about being run over. Of course, the guilt of this was enough that my brother made sure to check after that – and Oren slept in the shade of the trampoline from then on.

He understood “no”.

I think in “real” relationships, there’s this assumption that “no” means “maybe” – but it doesn’t. Dogs understand that, and yet it seems like such a complicated concept for so many humans. Not only does no mean no, but only yes means yes – and Oren understood that. If it wasn’t his, he waited until he was told he could touch it. If he didn’t get an answer, that was a no. If he was told “yes” by someone who wasn’t part of our family, that was a no. If the person who told him “yes” wasn’t the person who owned that particular item, that was a no. And if there was no room on the couch, he’d never squeeze himself in – sometimes, the “no” is implied.

He could be trusted.

Aside from being able to leave the gate open, or being able to leave my toys out without worrying about him snatching them up, we could also leave food out while we went to the bathroom or something, and we’d know that it would be perfectly safe when we came back out. Food was only his if it was given to him. Toys were only his if they were given to him. And if he was told not to do something, he wouldn’t have to be told a second time.

He was protective.

If he didn’t recognize someone who came by (and they weren’t accompanied by someone he did know), he would do what it took to make sure they weren’t trying to peek into the house. At some point, someone actually shot him over this – we never did find out who – but he took his responsibilities very seriously. When I’d walk to the store, he’d check in on me periodically, by looking through the door. Once, he came just inside the door because I had gotten out of his sight, but once he had confirmed that I was still okay, he went right back outside where he was supposed to be.

He became the reference I would compare all future dogs to.

It’s not very common that you get a “perfect” dog without even trying, and maybe he set my expectations a little high – but even though he wasn’t my first dog, he’s the first dog who made a difference in my life. Truthfully, though, these aren’t just qualities you want in a dog – they’re great qualities for your partner, too.

While it sounds a bit weird to be comparing a dog to a girlfriend, realistically, you should be looking for someone who has all these qualities… And we should all strive to be this type of person, too. There’s a reason why so many of us feel so close to our pets. They offer us everything that we wish we could find in a human. Believe me – it’s not that hard to be a good person. Just try to be a little more like a dog.

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Daily Juice: Sadly Women In Lesbian Relationships Aren’t Having (More) Sex, & ‘The Voice’ Fans Tear Into New Coach Miley Cyrus

All the latest celebrity and lesbian news, gossip, photos and videos.

The Autostraddle team have found 13 reasons why women in lesbian relationships aren’t having (more) sex.

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Legendary actress and LGBT ally Patty Duke has passed away aged 69. Patty acted as an out lesbian in the 1982 film By Design, and alongside Meredith Baxter in Glee.

Miley Cyrus is set to join the judging panel of The Voice next season, but fans of the NBC singing competition show are not happy with this decision.

Cyrus, who is currently serving as an adviser on the show’s 10th season, will join Season 11 as a full-time coach alongside Blake Shelton, Adam Levine and fellow newcomer Alicia Keys. She and Keys replace current judges Pharrell Williams and Gwen Stefani.

Pop singer Iggy Azalea, has opened up about rumours she’s heard about herself since becoming famous – including one that said she was trans.

Hit US TV show Shameless is delving into polyamory relationship with Svetlana (Isidora Goreshter) becoming Veronica (Shanola Hampton) and Kevin’s (Steve Howey) third.

Queer and trans* people of colour are challenging North Carolina’s repressive HB2 bill

And so are the ‘The View’ panellists, who also sparred over the issues this week.

Brandi Carlile has announced she will spend spring and summer on a co-headlining tour with Old Crow Medicine Show.

And finally, Maxim model Gabi Grecko has declared she has fallen in love with an “older woman”, after splitting with her boyfriend last week.

I’m in love, we want to keep it low for now about who she is to see if it works out but I really like her. She’s in her forties but she looks 25.”

Be sure to also read…

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Daily Juice: Kristen Stewart Gets Her Thumb Sucked, Melissa Ethridge Wanted Brad Pitt’s Sperm, & Ellen Page Covers Malibu

All the latest celebrity and lesbian news, gossip, photos and videos.

Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend Stéphanie “Soko” Sokolinski couldn’t keep their hands off each other during a recent outing in Los Angeles this weekend.

Melissa Etheridge has opened up about selecting a sperm donor for her two children, saying Brad Pitt was a serious contender to be the baby daddy.

https://www.facebook.com/Studio10au/videos/781642691969644/

Ruby Rose joins her xXx: The Return of Xander Cage co-stars Nina Dobrev and Vin Diesel in holiday celebrations.

Ellen Page reveals she is ‘happier than she could have imagined’ after coming out, as she appears in striking black and white magazine shoot for Malibu magazine.

The 100’s Eliza Taylor was on hand at WonderCon this week, to discuss how Clarke will be affected by Lexa’s death, preparing for Alycia Debnam-Carey’s final scene as Lexa, what’s left for the final episodes of season 3, and being an actor.

There is a great article in Bustle about how a woman’s experience as a queer woman of colour differs from that of a white queer woman

And finally there is new study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reporting that more people identify as bisexual, and even straight people are having same-sex experiences.

Be sure to also read…

Connect to Kitsch Mix’s world! Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram.

Lesbian Pregnancy Documentary ‘Romeo Romeo’ to Air as Part of America ReFramed Series

World Channel’s America ReFramed series of independent films aims to “present personal viewpoints and a range of voices on the nation’s social issues – giving audiences the opportunity to learn from the past, understand the present, and explore new frameworks for America’s future.”

America ReFramed’s fourth series includes a series of hard-hitting documentaries including Revolution ‘67 (a look at The Newark Riots), American Arab (which explores identity and anti-Muslim sentiment post 9/11) and Divide In Concord (a “contemporary debate” about individual freedom vs. collective responsibility).

Romeo Romeo will soon be added to that list when the 2012 documentary about a lesbian couple trying to get pregnant airs on March 22.

Romeo Romeo follows Alexis and Jessica Casano-Antonellis on their journey to get pregnant, with World Channel’s official blurb explaining that “the two women spend their life savings to buy sperm online and then head to the hospital to have Lexy inseminated.”

However, getting pregnant “turns out to be more difficult than they anticipated.”

Also covered in this documentary are topics such as whether or not the sperm donor should be anonymous, as well as the potential risks (such as a miscarriage and premature delivery).

World Channel notes that Romeo Romeo features “rigorous documentation” of what the couple goes through.

While having the process documented on camera may have been a little difficult for the couple, in an interview with After Ellen, the two women explain that the decision to go through this was partly because of the lack of awareness and information surrounding the subject.

Romeo Romeo director Lizzie Gottlieb felt that “[IVF] had not been explored enough on film and there wasn’t enough awareness around what women go through that have fertility issues.”

The couple also reveals that when they embarked on the process, there “really wasn’t a whole lot” of resources and information available to them as a lesbian couple.

While the film won’t necessarily teach everybody everything, the fact that Romeo Romeo also looks at the “medical, logistical, financial and emotional costs” of the process should be informative.

Romeo Romeo airs as part of World Channels’ America ReFramed series.

16 Lies Pop Culture Spreads About the Queer Community

Most of us have a love-hate relationship with queer TV characters. I mean, we love that there are more of them than ever before – but it sucks that the representation is so flawed. Of course, they’ll never be able to represent everyone, and the events on television need to be sensationalized, or else they’ll never have any viewers, but generally speaking – queer representation on TV is probably doing more harm than good.

But the way we’re represented on TV isn’t really the problem. The problem is that people often can’t differentiate between the fictionalized portrayals and the actual, real people who are living under the LGBT+ umbrella. For example, in Japan, yaoi manga (or graphic novels centered around gay men) are hugely popular, and yet their actual queer acceptance is pretty low. “Equal rights” still has a long way to go, and these fictional characters aren’t helping as much as they could.

I, for one, would like to take a stand and say that no, the way you see queer people on TV is not the real story. Here are some of the most common lies perpetuated by television.

1. Gay people really just want to seduce straight people.

This stereotype definitely rose up (pun intended) with Ruby Rose, who successfully (and unintentionally) got caught in the sights of every woman questioning her sexuality, ever. All these straight women suddenly turned into those predatory lesbians that TV warned about. Funny how that works.

But the truth is, most queer people have no desire to be with someone who identifies as straight. The reality is that there is a chance of serious complications in this situation, so most of us avoid it whenever possible. And if, by chance, a homosexual finds a straight person attractive, in most cases they try to talk themselves out of it, rather than trying to act on it.

2. All gay men love drag queens.

And, in fact, most of them are drag queens – according to television. Drag queens are an important part of the queer community, and they almost always identify as queer themselves.

But the truth is, The L Word actually got this more correct than most of television did. Drag queens are not inherently homosexual – it’s just a costume, and it’s one that some queer people actually have a really hard time accepting, due to the implication that a straight man who dresses like a woman is the same thing as a transgender woman. It’s not the same thing, at all, and knowing the difference is a big deal. I’ve said it time and time again: The clothes you choose to wear say absolutely nothing about your sexuality.

3. All queer people are disgusted by the reproductive organs of the opposite sex.

All lesbians will squeal and squirm when they see a penis (gross!) and all gay men will fear vaginas because they have teeth and maybe even a little troll down there. And, of course, they’ll see the same-sex reproductive organs in everything around them – after all, irises look a little like a vagina, right? And don’t even get me started on the eggplant emoji.

While this one might be true sometimes, for the most part, the queer community is more mature than that. A gay man who sees (or hears about) a vagina isn’t going to run scared, and a lesbian who sees (or hears about) a penis isn’t going to vomit. Just because we’re not turned on by these things doesn’t mean we’re repulsed, and many of us have been with the opposite sex before coming out. Just because we’re not into it doesn’t mean we’re afraid of it.

4. All lesbians wear power suits.

Power suits are great, and any celebrity you see rocking a power suit elicits the question “Is she gay?” – because TV has taught us that powerful lesbians wear power suits.

Really, though, they can be pretty expensive, and most of the time, we’re too broke to afford them. If we do have a power suit, we’ll probably rock it like a boss – but that doesn’t mean that all of us have one (or ten) or that owning a power suit means you’re a lesbian.

5. All lesbians hate men, and all gay men love being BFFs with straight women.

Lesbians on TV are often man-haters. Gay men on TV are the iconic best friends and life coaches that will tell a woman exactly how to get the man, up to and including giving them tips on how to perform oral (or anal) sex better for their partners.

The reality is that people don’t typically choose their friends based on gender or sexuality – we choose friends based on who we have things in common with. This means that most of my friends are guys, because I’m not exactly girly – but many of them are gay men who hate the idea of “fag hags”. If you’re choosing your friends based on what’s in their pants or who’s in their bed, you’re doing it wrong.

6. Gay men are the most stylish out of anyone – always.

On television, you can always pick out the male character who’s going to be queerbait later on – he’ll be the sharpest dresser, with the perfect hair. He’ll probably also give advice to his straight female BFF because her style choices are atrocious, and if he has a lesbian friend, she’ll get a makeover (because lesbians are notoriously the least stylish).

Here’s the thing, though: Fashion and style are personal interests that have nothing to do with your sexual or gender identity. Gay men are only the most stylish if they aspire to be – and lesbians have just as much of a chance of being stylish as the gay men do, and guess what – neither has a higher chance of being fashionable than their non-gay counterparts.

7. Lesbians spend all their time getting it on.

Unlike the gay men in TV shows, you’ll know that a female character is about to be queerbait because… Well, they’ll be hooking up with other chicks. Probably in every single episode. They’ll skip work or school just to stay home and make out, because they’re lesbians and that’s what lesbians do.

Truthfully, lesbians don’t usually hook up all that much. Most women don’t get turned on without some stimulation, which usually doesn’t include “that look”. (Okay, sometimes it includes “that look”, but only with a certain person.) Oh, and most of us aren’t cheaters, either.

8. Gay men are sassy and salty.

On television, the gay men will often be making catty remarks, to one another and to their SBFFs about other straight women, gay men, and definitely about transgender people. This, of course, only applies to gay men who are already out – the closeted gay men get none of the gay perks that are promised by Hollywood.

The truth is that the cattiness in the gay community isn’t really any more prevalent than it is in any other subsection of society. Sure, some gay men are sassy. Some of them hate on each other. But most of them act like the closeted men in TV – trying to keep the attention off of them by laying low. In a world that’s fueled by so much hate, it’s safer to keep out of the spotlight. (And also, some of the cattiest men I’ve ever known have been straight – so let that one sink in for a minute.)

9. You can easily spot a lesbian based on how they dress or act.

TV lesbians are usually super butch, or they have no fashion sense whatsoever. There are no “conventionally attractive” lesbians on television – only ones that look super gay.

Let me repeat my new mantra. You can’t tell anything about a person by the way they dress, except what kind of clothes they like. Just because a woman dresses “like a stud” doesn’t mean she’s gay, any more than sundresses mean she’s straight. Clothes are literally the shallowest expression of ourselves, and to believe that there’s any weight to the definitions we assign to them is pretty ignorant.

10. Gay men hate sports, but love unorganized physical fitness.

In the television world, gay men always hate sports. They have no idea how baseball is played, they’re entirely unfamiliar with American football teams, and generally they hate group activities that don’t involve hordes of straight women. This seems to be a rule. Yet, remarkably, even though they hate the idea of sports, they’re all really, really buff.

The reality is a little different, though. I do know some very physically fit gay men – but generally these men enjoy playing sports, in addition to their less-group-oriented workouts. The ones who don’t like sports also usually aren’t into working out in a more boring way. I also know a great deal of gay men who are a little pudgy, and that’s okay – you don’t have to be fit to be gay. I promise, the two aren’t related.

11. All gay men have “the voice”.

You know exactly what I’m talking about – that campy, feminine voice that’s associated with gay men. All gay men apparently have it the second they come out, and it doesn’t take any practice to get it like that – it’s just television magic.

Realistically, though, most gay men don’t talk like that. It’d be like saying lesbians all have burly voices, or that all straight women have a feminine voice, or that no straight men have higher pitched voices… Yep, you guessed it, your voice doesn’t say anything about your sexuality, either, and I don’t think anyone naturally talks campy like that. You’ve got to train your voice to be that way, and not everyone chooses to do this.

12. Gay men love musicals.

If you see gay men on TV, they’re often fans of showtunes, Broadway hits, and especially Rent. They also all love the theater in general, even if it’s not the same when no one’s singing.

Truthfully, most people who like musicals like them because… Well, they like them. Not because they’re gay and gays are supposed to like musicals. The reason Rent hits closest to home with so many isn’t just because it has queer characters, but because it doesn’t sugar-coat the issues facing the gay community, and just because it happens to have some good songs in it doesn’t mean that it’s loved because of the music. (Although, the songs are pretty good, I must admit.)

13. Lesbians are just doing it for the attention.

In television, a great deal of lesbian characters are doing it for the attention – whether to be provocative, or to garner a male partner. In movies, these women often end up with the man in the end, because – after all – they had to experiment with women to prove that they were actually just taking their boyfriend for granted.

This creates an unfair stereotype among the actual queer community, because anyone who doesn’t fit into the predetermined “type” for lesbians is thought to be doing it for attention. Some women are even told that “they’ll never get a boyfriend if they don’t stop the lesbian thing” which is extra contradictory because a) we don’t want a boyfriend, and b) it actually does nothing to chase guys away. If anything, they’re more attracted because we’re “a challenge”.

14. Rich straight women have gay best friends as a fashion accessory.

Bored housewives often have gay men in their entourage – but only one of course, because gay men can’t be friends with other gay men. They can only be friends with straight women, otherwise the straight woman might have to acknowledge that the gay man’s sex life is none of her business.

In the real world, though, gay men are not fashion accessories. It’s not something they aspire to be, and most will completely reject you if you try to befriend them just because you “need” a gay friend. You don’t. Especially if you think you need a GBFF because of the perks that are associated. Don’t force someone to fit into a role you’ve essentially created for them. It’s rude.

15. Gay couples can have a baby pretty easily – either by adoption or surrogacy.

On television, most long-term gay couples will have one or more children. It’s like they just go to the adoption agency and say “I’m gay so you can’t discriminate against me, give me baby plz”. This is what gays should strive for: Starting a family with the person they’ve been with for a couple years.

Truthfully, even if you’re in a committed heterosexual relationship, adopting a child is a very lengthy process, and most people are denied. Surrogacy is even more complicated, because under the eyes of the law, that child isn’t yours until the adoption papers have been signed – which means that the mother (or donor) can back out and then you’ve just got a basketful of disappointment instead of a bundle of joy. Then there’s the fact that discrimination from adoption centers is actually very real and it happens more than we’d care to admit. There are a great deal of couples who are never able to have a child, regardless of any laws put in place to “make it easier”. And some of them are OK with that – not everyone wants kids.

16. Trans characters are bad people.

The inclusion of trans characters is still pretty new, and frankly, they should be feared (according to television). When a trans person is included in a television show, they’re often criminals or psychotic individuals. Sometimes, they transition as a way to escape their criminal pasts.

In the real world, a trans person is no more likely to be a “bad person” than the next guy. Whether MTF or FTM (or anywhere in the nonbinary spectrum), although there may be a prevalence of mental illness, this illness is not a direct result of the gender identity issues, but rather a symptom of an oppressive system that seeks to fit trans people into the “label” they were born with. Just as homophobia is often the cause of mental illness among the homosexual community. Really, it’s no different.

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13 Terms That Mean Something Totally Different to Lesbians

Let’s face it: Lesbians are a strange breed. Whether we embody the stereotypes within our community or adamantly defy them, there are certain things that we pretty much all understand. And often… No one else understands them the same way we do.

Which of the following terms have you confused non-lesbians with?

1. Girlfriend

What it means to them: Your female friend(s).

What it means to us: The person you are ridiculously attached to, almost right away. She’s got partial custody of your cat and full custody of your heart – at least until one of you gets frustrated and walks out. (Fingers crossed that never has to happen!)

2. Lipstick/Chapstick

What it means to them: Makeup products worn on the lips. Generally, lipstick is tinted, whereas Chapstick is not. They will offer varying levels of sun protection.

What it means to us: Sexy feminine women who are rocking in every way. Generally, “lipstick” refers to femmes who wear makeup, where “Chapstick” refers to femmes who do not wear makeup. (Your experience may vary based on personal preferences.)

3. Stud

What it means to them:

A) A small piece of metal that’s pressed to a fabric, usually for decoration.
B) A small, simple earring; also called a post.
C) A wooden beam in the wall – the most stable point in most walls.

What it means to us: Sexy masculine women who are rocking in every way. The term “soft stud” may be used to describe a woman who dresses masculine, but chooses to keep long hair and/or do her makeup. Generally agreed to be sexy as hell in the lesbian community. (Your experience may vary based on personal preferences.)

4. The L Word

What it means to them: Love.

What it means to us: The quintessential lesbian TV series that helped to answer a million questions the lesbian community had – although it’s generally accepted that the ladies in the show weren’t really representative of lesbians in general. Still, this show was full of hot, steamy sex, important lesbian icons from history, and a cast that worked its way into everyone’s hearts. Aww!

5. Break Up

What it means to them: The end of a relationship, or the act of ending a relationship.

What it means to us: The feeling of your heart being literally ripped from your chest, often without warning, that is all-consuming until you find someone new… or, more likely, un-break up. This can be a long cycle sometimes, with neither partner wanting to fully let go. (Hint: Avoid this cycle.)

6. The Ex

What it means to them: Someone you used to be romantically or sexually linked with, who you no longer talk to.

What it means to us: That woman you used to have passionate sex with, and now maintain you can be “just friends” – usually to the dismay and/or frustration of your current partner. She may even be your best friend now. Your girlfriend will probably hate her.

7. Best Friend

What it means to them: A friend who you have probably known for a long time, who knows a great deal about you. He or she would probably come to your aid if you needed.

What it means to us: All of the above – but with the risk of being secretly in love with her and having to keep your feelings hidden. If you do tell her, you run the risk of ruining the friendship… But you may find out that you’re soul mates! (I make no promises in regards to your outcome.)

8. Straight Girl

What it means to them: A woman who exclusively dates/sleeps with men.

What it means to us: A challenge. A bi-curious woman who doesn’t know it yet. (Note: I don’t recommend this approach, but as long as you’re respectful, all is fair in love and war.)

9. Ladies Night

What it means to them: One night a week where you go out with your female friends and enjoy fun and each other’s company.

What it means to us: A night where you and your other lesbian friends try (and usually fail) to pick up women at gay bars. Even if every girl you pursue turns out to be straight, it’s probably the most fun you’ll have all week.

10. Lug

What it means to them: To carry something, usually quite heavy. The word implies a great deal of effort.

What it means to us: Lesbian Until Graduation; a bi-curious women who dates/sleeps with other women during high school and/or college, but ends up settling down and marrying a man, often to the disappointment of the woman she was dating at the time. (Hint: You should probably never assume a woman is a lug, nor should you accuse her of being one – especially if you’re trying to get in her pants.)

11. Shane

What it means to them: A nice unisex name. Usually used for a boy, but not exclusively.

What it means to us: The sexiest lesbian who ever lived – even if she wasn’t real. Almost every lesbian has either idolized her or crushed on her, and for many, that effect lasts to this day.

12. Scissors/Scissoring

What it means to them: Objects used to cut paper, plastic, or other such materials.

What it means to us: Oh, come on now. You know what scissoring means. (But just in case you don’t, here’s a fun article to explain it.)

13. Manicure

What it means to them: Going to the nail salon, usually to get artificial tips and/or polish on. Sometimes includes a hand massage.

What it means to us: Sitting on the bed with a pair of nail clippers because your partner won’t let you touch her until you cut those suckers. Vaginal contusions are not fun or pretty – your girlfriend shouldn’t have to remind you to trim!

10 Lesbian Movies I Wish I Could Watch Right Now

In the queer community, there are certain expectations we have for ourselves and one another. Lesbians watching other lesbians on TV or the big screen? Definitely lands pretty close to the top of the list. Since (realistic) representation is still a pretty new thing for us, we end up settling for whatever we can find – and Hollywood knows this.

They know that they can feed us terrible excuses for lesbian love, and we’re going to eat it up anyway. Queer-baiting seems to be happening more and more, and despite knowing that the stereotypes we see are Hollywood’s stereotypes – not our own – we watch anyway. We signal boost these horrible shows and movies on social media, often with a disclaimer that we’ve been “hate-watching” them (but not always).

Interested in watching a lesbian movie that doesn’t suck? We’ve got you covered!

All Over Me (1994, English)

Let me preface this movie’s introduction by saying… I love Leisha Hailey. I have ever since The L Word. But if you want to see a glimpse of her before she got huge, All Over Me shows her in fun, cute, punk style – which resonates pretty strong with me because I was, in fact, a little bit pop-punk as a teenager. (I’m talking Crayola-colored hair and a doorknocker hanging from my nostril, with those pants that had a million chains hanging from them that most of us are ashamed to admit we used to have…)

This movie wasn’t billed as a lesbian love story, although there are a number of queer or questioning characters. It was marketed as a story of friendship, and this is something I’d actually like to see more of – why does every lesbian film have to be a romantic drama? Why can’t we have more lesbian movies that don’t require sex to get your attention?! OK… Rant over.

Even if you aren’t into the whole idea, the fact that one of the main characters happens to fall in love with her straight BFF is something that rings true for most of us – that one girl you can’t really get over, despite knowing that it was never really going to happen. Hey – maybe sometimes it does.

Bound (1996, English)

If you’re looking for a film with lesbians in it that’s not a “lesbian film”, Bound is probably exactly what you’ve been looking for. Officially, this is a suspense film, with one of the writer-slash-producers being a trans lesbian – we love to see diversity in our movies, and it’s wonderful that this film does that for us.

Bound centers around a lesbian ex-con and her secret lover – played by the beautiful Jennifer Tilly – as they make their way through things. One of our favorite things about this movie, however, is that the gay characters don’t feel forced, nor is their gay-ness the center of attention. (Although, there are some pretty steamy love scenes, which we definitely appreciate – since they’re done tastefully).

While the writer-slash-producers didn’t want the homosexuality to be the main focus of the film, it was important for them that the character be a lesbian, and a realistic one. When the studios told them to change Gina Gershon’s character to a man, they declined – “that movie’s been made a million times”. More than just that, they hired a feminist sex educator to make sure that the love scenes were actually realistic – making this movie a huge accomplishment for the queer community at large.

Fucking Amal/Show Me Love (1998, Swedish)

This movie is inarguably one of the greatest examples of lesbian movies that don’t suck – it actually beat Titanic’s opening sales when it was released. This is a giant accomplishment, as there are not many queer-themed movies that receive the attention they deserve.

This movie centers around the realistic interpretation of high-school confusion. The leading characters come from different backgrounds, which we do see a lot of, but in this representation, the realism is very real. On the one hand, we have Ellin, who faces a great deal of homophobia from her friends. On the other hand, we have Agnes, whose mother says that a lesbian is “a perfectly normal woman who just happens to fall in love with another woman”.

It is nice to see a movie that shows both sides of the picture – so many movies center either on acceptance or discrimination, but not both. Of course, you will have to deal with subtitles if you don’t speak Swedish, but that’s ok – this movie is well worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtpXpFylSn0

Gia (1998, English)

Another based-on-a-true-story movie about a queer character, played by someone who catapulted into the hearts (and sexual fantasies) of almost every lesbian ever, Gia tells the tale of “America’s first supermodel”. Gia Carangi was a fashion model who happened to be a lesbian, struggling with a drug addiction that led to her eventual death from AIDS. It’s not too often that we hear of female AIDS victims (although they do exist!), so the attention was much appreciated.

One of the things that sets this movie apart is that it’s actually done in “mockumentary” style – but without the satire the label usually implies. Sprinkled with real-life journal pages (from the real Gia) and interviews from her closest confidants, as well as passionate sex scenes starring Angelina Jolie.

If you haven’t yet seen Gia, you should try to find it and watch it as soon as possible – but don’t be surprised when you cry. Hey, there’s no shame in that!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2xVI8D2PCY

High Art (1998, English)

This is one that hits a little close to home for me – drug use is a very real problem, especially in the queer community. (I also happened to be an assistant at a photography company, which – while not exactly the same as the job held by the leading lady – is pretty close.) I have yet to actually watch this one, but the trailer is breathtaking and makes me want to watch it like right now. (Maybe I’ll grab it on payday.)

This movie focuses on the power of ambition – what would you do to get ahead? There’s this stereotype that drug users don’t have ambition, and this movie helps to prove that that’s not necessarily the case – sometimes, an addiction is just an addiction, and while it might alter your motivations, it probably won’t completely get rid of your drive. It all comes at a cost, though, and for those who have yet to experience the gripping power of a drug addiction, hopefully this movie will help you see that drugs are never the right answer. They don’t solve your problems; they just distract you from them for a while.

Biggest takeaway from this movie’s description: Drugs are bad, lesbians are good, and ambition is everything. Which sounds an awful lot like my life story, too… Hmm. Coincidence?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-kzOXdmaoA

But I’m a Cheerleader! (1999, English)

This movie was the very first lesbian film that I ever watched – and it has owned a special place in my heart ever since. This movie follows Graham and Megan (played by Clea DuVall and Natasha Lyonne, respectively) as they navigate the waters of a conversion therapy camp – something that is unfortunately still a real thing.

For those of us who never faced this type of disapproval from our families, this movie might not seem the most realistic, as it deals with obvious camp and over-eccentric straightwashing of the gay community. However, for those who live with societally-enforced gender norms and exclusion from their families based purely on their sexuality, this movie resonates even stronger – sometimes, the easiest way to deal with a difficult situation is to poke fun at it.

More than just the great storyline (and totally believable love story – yay!), we’ve got fun colors (girly pink and boyish blue – of course) that paint a picture reminiscent of Edward Scissorhands and Barbie. However, the movie received an NC-17 rating originally – due to its portrayal of homosexual activities – which was financially damaging and took it right out of the hands that needed it the most: The teens who are actually living in the world that the movie portrays. It was later edited and re-released with an R rating, but it’s still not fair that the MPAA chooses to rate gay sex as more offensive than straight sex. (Us gays don’t exactly agree.)

Boys Don’t Cry (1999, English)

This movie was a huge pinnacle in the trans community, as one of the first representations that wasn’t outright offensive, and it even has a familiar face playing the lead. Of course, it received a bit of backlash because there’s a non-trans-actor playing a trans role, but Hillary Swank did a great job at presenting the character as he really was. Often mistakenly labeled as a “lesbian movie”, this is no such thing – like a few other “lesbian movies”, the character is only presumed to be a lesbian. The truth is, trans characters are not necessarily gay characters, even though they do share some similar challenges.

This movie is based on a true story, which always makes it a bit more relatable – Brandon Teena was a real person, a transman in a conservative Nebraska town who was raped and killed after some jerks found out that he was born anatomically female. This movie (and the events that inspired it) took place before trans issues reached the mainstream airwaves, but it helped pave the way for the events that would come.

It’s very artfully done, and even if you don’t think you care about trans issues, this movie will prove to you otherwise. It’s going to rip at your heartstrings and expose you to issues that either you thought you faced alone, or that you never knew existed.

If These Walls Could Talk 2 (2000, English)

Here is another one I haven’t seen yet, but it surrounds a magical house that turns all of its inhabitants into lesbians. (No, not really – but there are three sets of lesbians who happen to live in the same house.) Just like the original If These Walls Could Talk, the stories are connected by the house itself, although it spans three separate eras.

According to the description I found, this movie covers pretty much every important issue facing the lesbian community – the dynamics of butch-femme relationships, pregnancy in the lesbian community, hospital visitation rights, and (of course) sex. And it stars Ellen Degeneres (our collective lesbian mama) as well as some other pretty big names. Basically, it’s an in-depth look at the lesbian community, with an actual lesbian writer (Anne Heche, who we all know was dating Ellen at the time).

This movie probably isn’t perfect (although I don’t know for sure, since I haven’t seen it) but it does offer insight to those who think they might be alone – and sometimes, that’s all we need.

D.E.B.S. (2004, English)

Okay, I was turned onto D.E.B.S. when I was in high school, by this woman I was dating at the time – she was absolutely in love with Jordana Brewster and I really can’t say that I blame her. We ended up breaking up after she told me about it, but before I’d actually watched it, so I had this totally unfair reason to reject the movie entirely and didn’t actually watch it until like 5 years later. (What can I say? I hold grudges sometimes.)

For those who don’t have some unfair grudge against this movie, you’ll be delighted to know that it’s full of campy fun and freaking spies – it’s not often you see lesbian spies, but I want to see them more because… Well, spies are sexy, and lesbians are sexy, so lesbian spies are twice as sexy, obviously.

For a low-budget lesbian film, this movie actually blew me away. All too often lesbian movies are forced into independent production because the mainstream media just isn’t ready for it yet – but thankfully we’re getting there these days. It is a bit cheesy, but that’s part of its charm.

Saving Face (2005, English/Mandarin)

Saving Face offers up a not-often-seen look into the world of lesbian characters that don’t just scream “super gay” – dealing with more than just “lesbian issues”, while still presenting a fair view of the struggles involved with the lesbian community. It’s also a benchmark for Asian-American lesbians – the first movie of its kind about the particular subculture of the invisible lesbian community.

While I could never pretend to understand the specific challenges that face someone from a different cultural background, this movie is sure to receive praise from those who do see themselves reflected in the main characters. Sweet, shy Wil is a doctor who works her butt off to prove that she deserves to be promoted to head of surgery. Then, she falls in love with the daughter of the man who’s currently holding the position: The gorgeous dancer, Vivian. Oh, and did I mention that Wil’s mother ends up moving in with her? Talk about awkward!

Saving Face is one of those rarities that presents an awkward situation without making it excessively awkward, and for that it receives all our praise. If you haven’t had the chance to check this one out, definitely do – you won’t regret it!

Of course, there are more lesbian movies that are sure to blow your mind, but these ten should hold you over for now. Do you have any more movies you think we should check out? Leave them in the comments!