Tag Archives: Lesbian Safe Sex

10 STDs You Can Get Without Having “Real Sex”

The subject of what “counts” as sex is a very personal matter. If you ask a hundred different people, you’ll probably get at least 50 different answers (although this is purely speculation on my part; I’m not sure if it’s really as diverse on a worldwide level as the answers that I’ve personally received).

For many people, “real sex” means “penetrative sex with a man”. It’s often assumed that other sexual activities don’t put you at the same level of risk as this “real sex” puts you at – but the people who perpetuate this idea are putting others at a huge disservice.

Truthfully, any sexual activity does put you at risk of contracting an STD – even if it’s your first time. (STDs have nothing to do with promiscuity). There are even non-sexual activities that can put you at risk for these STDs. Wondering how that works? Well, in short, “STD” (or STI) is a blanket term that refers to any disease involving either the sexual organs or an exchange of bodily fluids. Different fluids can harbor different diseases, and safer sex practices can help lower your risk factors for certain diseases.

But we’ve got 10 reasons why safer sex isn’t enough all on its own – you should be getting tested regularly, even if you don’t think you’re at risk.

1. Pubic lice (crabs)

We often associate “having crabs” with sexually promiscuous behavior – but the name pubic lice is a bit misleading, in itself. While they are often found in the pubic hair, just shaving your pubes won’t magically make you immune to contracting – they can live in any coarse hair on the body. This means that any body hair – including facial hair – has the potential to hide these little critters.

While they’re mainly transmitted by sexual contact, they can be passed on by any skin-to-skin contact with areas close to where the lice are located, or by sharing clothing with someone suffering from an infestation. This is one of the many reasons it’s super important to always wash second-hand clothes in hot water before wearing them – even if you trust the person you got them from.

Thankfully, just like head lice, pubic lice can easily be treated with a special shampoo. Make sure the lotion, shampoo, or mousse you buy contains permethrin and/or piperonyl butoxide, so it’s sure to kill the lice and their eggs. If you’re embarrassed about purchasing special “pubic lice lotions”, don’t worry – they’re pretty much exactly the same as the lice shampoo you’ll find with the hair stuff.

2. Molluscum contagiosum

Never heard of this one? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This is one of the less-known STDs, which in many ways is exactly why we should be looking into it more. Simply put, molluscum contagiosum refers to lesions caused by a poxvirus (meaning that it’s medically similar to chickenpox – and can be spread in the same ways).

Although this disease is classified as an STD, much like other varieties of poxes, they can be passed from any skin-to-skin contact. Generally, these lesions are located on the face, neck, arms, legs, stomach, and genital area. They often appear in groups, but can be isolated as well.

In most cases, treatment is considered unnecessary, as the symptoms (and the disease) will usually clear up within a year on their own. They can be removed, through laser therapy, cryotherapy, or cutterage. There are also oral and topical treatments that are usually limited to kids who come down with the infection. No matter which treatment you decide to pursue, you will need to make an appointment with your doctor (and, of course, limit physical contact with infected areas until the lesions are gone).

3. Herpes

Okay, I think we all know about herpes and what it basically means, but I think there are still a lot of people who still don’t know exactly what the diagnosis of herpes really means. This is an infection that isn’t really “dangerous” in most situations, per se, but it’s definitely going to be awkward – for the rest of your life. There is no cure for herpes, and in pregnant women, it may have a connection with miscarriage and premature birth rates.

Herpes is super common – about 1/6 of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 have herpes. The most obvious method of transmission is contact with a herpes outbreak – but most people don’t know that you can get herpes from an infected partner, even if they’re not currently showing symptoms.

Treatment options for herpes are growing, and while you will never “get rid of” the herpes virus, there are treatments which shorten the length of outbreak, as well as ones that make transmission less likely. It’s still absolutely essential to not have sex while suffering from any symptoms – but also, it’s important that you use the proper barrier methods, and using them correctly, even when there are no signs of symptoms.

4. HPV (human papillomavirus)

HPV has been getting a bit of media attention lately, which is amazing – I am all on board with people becoming more educated about their bodies and the things that could potentially go wrong with it. HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease, and according to the CDC, almost all sexually active men and women will have HPV at some point in their life – although there are a number of different strains that should be noted, too.

Human papillomavirus can be spread through skin contact or oral-genital contact, which – it should go without saying – pretty much includes any type of sexual activity. If left untreated, certain strains of HPV can cause cancer or genital warts, as well as other notable medical problems.

Thankfully, like most other high-visibility STDs, there are preventative measures available to keep you a little bit safer. The HPV vaccine is highly recommended, as it helps to protect you from the strain(s) of HPV that can turn into cervical cancer. For those who contract the disease, whether they chose not to get vaccinated or the vaccine didn’t “take”, we recommend speaking with your doctor to evaluate your treatment options.

5. Chlamydia

I’ll admit – I knew nothing about chlamydia until I was accused of passing it on to a non-monogamous partner. Turns out, I didn’t have it – but I did learn that my initial knee-jerk reaction of “I think I’d know if I had an STD” were completely unfounded. Chlamydia is often asymptomatic in women, but it can cause some major long-term (and even permanent) damage to the reproductive system – making it difficult or even impossible to conceive and carry a child later in life.

Chlamydia is passed on by oral, vaginal, or rectal sex, and both men and women can be carriers of the disease (again, potentially without any symptoms). When symptoms do exist, they can include abnormal discharge (in both men and women), pain and swelling of the testicles (in men – but this symptom is rare), and a burning when urinating.

If you do find out that you have chlamydia, it’s not necessarily a big deal, as long as you’re regularly tested and catch it before it causes any further problems. It’s treated with a round of antibiotics, which must be obtained from your doctor.

6. Gonorrhea

Gonorrhea is most commonly associated with oral sex, although it can be passed on through other methods as well. The symptoms most often show themselves as a sore throat or other “head cold”-like symptoms, and it is highly contagious. Although most people have a passing familiarity with gonorrhea, it remains one of the most prevalent sexually transmitted diseases – especially in younger sexually active people, from 15-24 years old.

While it’s usually noted as an “oral sex disease”, it can be passed on from oral-genital contact, oral-rectal contact, rectal-penile contact, and penile-vaginal contact. Many people with gonorrhea have no symptoms, and when the symptoms are present, they are often mistaken for other diseases (such as a bladder infection or the flu).

There are a number of treatment options for gonorrhea, but many strains of the virus have developed a resistance to antibiotics. For this reason, doctors recommend dual-treatment – and diligent re-testing to ensure that the first round of treatment actually got rid of the infection.

7. Syphilis

The idea of syphilis is especially scary – I know I’ve heard of a lot of famous historical figures who actually had the disease, and some who actually died from it. Thankfully, our understanding of the disease has grown a lot over the past few centuries, and although syphilis can still cause serious complications if left untreated, it’s not automatically a death sentence anymore.

The physical symptoms of syphilis are separated into stages, as each stage has certain symptoms characteristic to the timeframe. It’s also been called “the great imitator” because most of the symptoms associated with the disease mimic the symptoms of other problems – such as a rash or lesions on your body, or eventual deterioration of your muscle control. Contact with a syphilis outbreak can spread the infection to another person, or another part of the body.

Treatment of syphilis is necessary, even though most people don’t progress to the stage that can cause serious problems – the risk is still there, and you are still highly contagious. It’s more likely to pass the disease on to someone else if you’re still in those early, relatively painless stages. It’s important to get treated early, as the disease can be cured, but there is no way to reverse the complications it has already caused.

8. Hepatitis B

HBV is a disease with a number of different variables. It can be life-long or short-term. It can be contracted from oral-genital contact, as well as many other “risky behaviors”. It causes major damage to the liver, and if you happen to contract a longer-term illness, you’re pretty much stuck with hepatitis.

Most Americans will be vaccinated against Hepatitis B (and a few other variants) before they enter school. This is generally considered the best way to keep yourself safe – a vaccination will remove almost all of the risk of contraction, but it’s still a good idea to use safer sex practices even if you have been vaccinated.

Treatment options for HBV will vary, depending on the specific strain you have. If you have one of the “more temporary” forms of the virus, there are only supportive treatments available. For those with a long-term infection, it may be necessary to treat with antiviral medications.

9. Hepatitis C

HCV is actually pretty similar to HBV, but a much higher percentage of people contract a chronic form of this disease – an estimated 70-85% of those infected. This disease is no laughing matter, and even in the modern age of medical technology, people still die from complications of their hepatitis C symptoms.

Unlike Hepatitis B, Hep-C is most commonly not caused by sexual contact – the large majority of infections come from drug injection (with shared needles). That doesn’t mean that sexual activity doesn’t put you at risk, though – it can also be passed on through oral-genital contact, as well as penetrative sex.

Chronic Hepatitis C is treated with antiviral drugs. In 2013, two new drugs were approved for the treatment of HCV: Sofosbuvir (brand-name Sovaldi) and Simeprevir (brand-name Olysio). These drugs will not get rid of the disease, though – they’ll only manage the symptoms in order to allow you a normal life.

10. HIV

As the most highly-visible of all sexually transmitted diseases, it’s the one that most people know the most about. Still, that knowledge is likely to be limited – and, because of these limitations, it’s highly possible that you’re not adequately protecting yourself. Up until very recently, it was assumed that HIV was only spread through anal sex, and primarily affecting the gay male community. Let me tell you right now: No one is immune to HIV.

HIV is passed through the spread of certain bodily fluids, such as semen, vaginal discharge, or blood. This means that any contact with any of these substances will put you at risk. Further, you can still test negative for HIV for several months after exposure – making it absolutely necessary to get tested regularly, even if you’re completely monogamous.

Unfortunately, there is no effective cure for HIV, and many of the treatment options leave a lot of room to be desired. With proper (and early) treatment, the prognosis is getting a lot brighter, but there’s still a long way to go – so, if at all possible (and it is possible), you should protect yourself from contracting the virus in the first place.

The Problem With Living In A Hookup Culture That Lacks Sex Education

I’m going to level with you guys really quick: I didn’t really start learning about same-sex sex education until a few years ago. It’s not something that you really hear about too much, even in places where heterosexual sex ed is in the core curriculum at school. This has led to a few generations of women who are seriously uninformed about their risks. Just because I didn’t know how to have safer sex with a woman until I was in my 20s, I had been having sex with women since I was in my teens. My first time with a woman and my first time getting tested were about five years apart. Of course, now I know that’s far too long to go without getting tested – but it wasn’t until I had a scare that I even considered it a possibility.

In places where sex education is a solid part of the curriculum, it’s often lacking, sometimes even criminalized. Abstinence is the only way to be safe, they say. But without knowing all their risk factors in the first place, many teens will do pretty much everything except penetrative sex – after all, if you can’t discuss sex, you’re very well not going to discuss the different types of sex, now are you? But the reality is that, aside from any type of sexual contact, you can get some STDs even through innocuous contact – or by walking in tall grass. I don’t mean to scare you, but it’s important to realize that there are other methods of transmission here.

This is a very big problem in the lesbian community, as many of us grew up thinking that, since they don’t tell you there’s anything to worry about, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, that’s not really the case – you can get STDs from a woman just as easily as you can from a man. Your risk factors will include the different types of sex you have and whether or not you’re using protection reliably, but if it’s not in the school systems… Most people don’t even think of it as a problem. The number of women I’ve spoken to who have never even brought up safer sex with their partners is astounding – and, in some ways, depressing.

Fast forward to now, when many millennials are caught up in this hook-up culture. I know it’s not all of us – I’d say about 50% of my friends do “hook-ups”, and about 50% do “relationships”. While the simple act of promiscuous behavior doesn’t put you more at risk of developing an STD, it does rely on a sense of safer sex that is, quite frankly, lacking. Sure, most of us figure out safer sex as an adult – but what does that leave for those younger than us who are experimenting with their sexual identities and not really sure what they need to do to protect themselves?

I’m not trying to promote the idea of underage sex here, but let’s think about this from a realistic standpoint. A good portion of kids lose their virginity before they turn 18. In fact, it’s a goal to lose your virginity as early as possible sometimes. While there seems to be more pressure for boys to “give it up early”, in the lesbian community, we are especially prone to losing our virginities at a younger age – no matter what that definition may be for you. Maybe it’s all statistics and numbers, but there’s a clear-cut connection with our community and a lack of safer sex practices.

What can we do to fix this problem? The answer is simultaneously simple, and very complicated. It’s as easy as getting lesbian sex education into schools, and stop criminalizing (or sexualizing) women for their sexuality. But, of course, how you’d implement such a strategy is an entirely different story – our society just hasn’t reached that point yet.

One way we can start working toward a brighter future in the world of sex education is by openly talking about it. If you have kids, start the conversation early – and make sure you’ve got your facts right before you start. While it might seem like a horrible idea to start talking to your nine-year-old daughter about protection, chances are, the younger you start, the less uncomfortable she’s going to be with the idea in the future. Of course, the responsibility doesn’t fall entirely on the girls, though – boys should be taught at a younger age, too. (Personally, I got my first sex talk at the age of five, and I’m pretty sure if it had included the possibility of me turning out to be a raging homo, my sexual history would have been a lot different.)

Many times, we can think that our kids aren’t able to understand what we’re telling them, because it’s “too advanced for them”. But, as Einstein once said, “If you can’t explain it to a five-year-old, you really don’t understand it yourself.” There’s a lot of truth in those words – you should know a way to talk to your kids about safer sex without making it awkward. Talking about your health should never be awkward, and it just might come in handy someday.

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10 Reasons Why Make-Up Sex Is Better Than Regular Sex

We’ve all been there before: your relationship is going well, your sex life is pretty good, and everything seems perfect. But then, you get into a fight, and things get a bit mean. (Hopefully not too mean, of course, but we are all prone to saying things we don’t mean sometimes… We’re all human, after all.) Thankfully, in most cases, we can move past these fights and get to the really fun part: The make-up sex.

It’s so weird how something that we do almost every day (okay, my girlfriend wishes it was almost every day) can be made so much more special when it follows a period of tension. Ever wonder why that works?

1. Human emotion is a balance.

Without rain, there are no rainbows. Without sadness, you can’t appreciate sadness. And since fighting and sex are basically polar opposites in terms of your passion, it makes sense that you can’t allow yourself to fully appreciate the tenderness hidden even within the roughest sex – that is, until it follows a period of unhappiness, such as when you’re fighting.

Admittedly, this can be an addictive contrast, though. Have you ever stayed in a horrible relationship because the make-up sex was so amazing? Balance isn’t always a good thing, when it’s being used to “cancel out” a situation that’s far less than ideal. Make sure your balance leans more toward the happiness, and let the negatives bring you to appreciate the positives more.

2. Human emotion is a spectrum.

Since emotion isn’t just a clear-cut “happy” or “sad”, those times in between (i.e. makeup sex, bittersweet goodbyes, and those times you’re drawn to your partner more just because you feel like you “can’t have her”) are precious and celebrated by our brains. Our subconscious mind takes these things that could be a very negative experience and turns them into something special – even something remarkable.

Because of this spectrum, the most complicated emotions are the ones we feel the most deeply. Let’s say, for example, you’re happy about your new job – but you’re also sad because it means you’ll be out of the house more. You appreciate the time you spend together more because it’s offset with time spent apart. Your make-up sex is so amazing because immediately before it, there was fighting – so, by contrast, the good times feel even better.

3. Make-up sex is anger and love, rolled into one.

Anger mixed with love makes passion – which means that the sex is going to be better, just based on core details. While you should do your best to avoid anger in the bedroom directly, you can take advantage of those heart-pumping, blood-flowing, rough emotions you’ve been feeling… And harness them in a way that allows you to express a different side of the equation.

For many people, make-up sex ends up being rough, hard, and no-holds-barred. (Maybe I’m guessing at the “many” thing – but that’s the way it’s been with almost all of my exes.) Your blood is already pumping harder, so there’s no need for (as much) foreplay. For those who have softer, gentler sex, you’ll be showing how your anger with your partner doesn’t affect your love for them – and that’s beautiful, too.

4. It’s a stress reliever.

Technically, sex is always a stress reliever. The only problem with that is, most women don’t want sex when they’re stressed out. It can be difficult to “wind down” enough to get in the mood for sex – unless, of course, you’re blowing off some steam. Since the act of shouting already helps to bring down the tension, your mind can start at a slightly lower level than it is otherwise – so there’s not as much work to be done to make it work out.

Please note that I am definitely not trying to encourage you to scream and shout at your partners. If possible, your arguments should be kept civil – after all, you love this woman. But sometimes, that’s easier said than done, and if you need to, go let out a primal scream to cool off a bit. Maybe even throw some things if you need to – I recommend keeping some thrift store dishes on hand for this, as it’ll be significantly cheaper than replacing stuff you actually need. Trust me on this one – I’ve broken many a cell phone out of anger.

5. It’s a different way to express our emotions.

After a particularly rough fight, it can be hard to remember the things that are important and the things that aren’t. But, for most of us, when we see our partner’s naked body eagerly waiting for us… Well, certain emotions take over and do the deciding for us. Generally, that’s not a bad thing – but it means more if you’re letting love win out over anger, as opposed to love winning out over complacency.

Obviously, I firmly advocate for communicating verbally with your partner, since it’s the most straightforward way to communicate your wants and needs – but sometimes, the words don’t come easy. Just be sure that you’re reminding your partner that your love is about more than just sex – or expect another fight to follow soon after.

6. Sex produces a bonding hormone.

It makes a lot of sense that fighting either pushes you closer together, or further apart. If the bonds are completely shattered (or hanging on by a thread), it’s often easier for one person to walk away. If the bond is still in pretty good shape, make-up sex can help ease the wounds caused by words. All sex produces the hormone oxytocin in the brain, which can actually become an addiction. (This leads to sex and intimacy addictions – which are a very real problem for some people.)

When we fight with our partner, some of the bonds and attachments connected to the oxytocin become damaged – which causes the brain to crave more oxytocin to replenish the lost supplies. (It’s also the reason you may find yourself tempted to sleep with the rebound girl, too. After a break-up, your brain doesn’t exactly recognize the difference between your attraction to your partner and your attachment to this other, newer girl – it just recognizes the oxytocin.)

7. Sex also produces endorphins – just like anger does.

Endorphins work to provide a number of effects to the body, and building a foundation of anger and sex will inevitably leave you feeling one or the other just a little bit stronger. For those whose anger takes over, it can mean hate-sex or a final break-up, but for those whose passions take over, it means highly-charged and seriously amazing sex – and a renewed sense of couple-dom.

What exactly do endorphins do to your body? Well, the endorphins produce a sense of euphoria and calm. When it comes to anger, this is used to help calm you down, so you don’t hurt others or yourself. (I suspect this is also why seriously grumpy people seem to like being mad all the time, but I’ve got no scientific proof on this one.) After sex, these same endorphins are used to calm you down and make you happy, and actually affect similar areas of your brain as drug use. It makes sense that combining the two biggest sources of endorphin production will basically get you high – making it the best sex you’ve ever had.

8. Sex and anger both produce adrenaline.

Just in case there weren’t enough hormones in the mix, make-up sex helps prolong the exposure to another addictive brain chemical: Adrenaline. Now, adrenaline activates the sympathetic nervous system, increasing blood flow and making you pretty excited (in one way or another). This leads to a racing heart, a hyped-up mood, and yes, possible addiction.

When your adrenaline is already built up after a fight with your partner, you’re going to be physically easier to arouse, since arousal and anger rely on the same hormones. This results in a heightened state of awareness to your surroundings, including your partner’s physical touch. If you haven’t fully recovered from the pain of the argument, it can even be a way to express your frustrations in a physical (but relatively safe) way.

9. Because you appreciate her more after a fight.

You can’t really appreciate what you have until you’re at risk of losing it, or once it’s already gone. This means that, naturally, after a bad fight, you’re more likely to recognize the things about one another that you enjoy and appreciate – you’re not trying to think about the bad stuff anymore.  If you appreciate her more, you’re going to pay much closer attention to the things she’s doing, and the things you’re doing to her.

I’m sure we all know that paying closer attention to your partner is one of the surest ways to make sure she enjoys herself in the bedroom. Appreciation, affection, and attention – sometimes the equation is really that simple.

10. Because you finally got it off your chest.

Holding things in because you don’t want to fight sounds like a really good idea, but realistically, it’s damaging to your sex life. It causes resentment when one partner is blaming the other for things that aren’t even their fault. It causes guilt when there’s something you need to say, but you’re afraid of how your partner will take the news. It causes an emotional rift.

According to the Dual Control Model that we explained here, your body probably isn’t going to respond well to sex if you’re not in the right frame of mind. Once you’ve let go of the stresses that you’ve been keeping built up for so long, your body is naturally going to be more responsive for sex – putting you in a better mood, and more likely to have a stronger climax. Go science!

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13 Things You Probably Don’t Know About Your Vagina (But Totally Should)

I’m going to level with you here: I’ve suffered from more than my fair share of vagina envy. Okay, I guess technically it’s vulva envy, because it’s pretty difficult to actually envy someone else’s vagina – we’ll get to that in a minute. I could go off on some little tangent about how “everyone is the same on the inside” and all that nonsense, but that would just be silly. (Even though, realistically, most vaginas are pretty similar on the inside.)

Basically, though, that entire region is just weird. I can only imagine that it’s even weirder for those who weren’t born with their vaginas, or who haven’t taken the time to fully explore the situation down there. As women who love other women (assuming you also have sex with those other women), we’ve got a bit of a unique vantage point on the whole subject. I think we’re more prone to “vagina envy” than straight women are because, in general, we’ve probably seen more of them. (Vulvas, that is – I very rarely encounter a straight woman in my day-to-day routine, but I also don’t leave my house as often as I probably should.)

Even if you’ve had your vagina your entire life, most likely there are things you don’t know about it. How many of these things did you know – and are there any other interesting tidbits you think we should all know?

1. You can’t (usually) see the vagina.

We, as a society, tend to use the word vagina to mean the female sexual organs. That’s actually incorrect. The part that’s most commonly referred to as the vagina is actually the vulva. The female sexual organs are a collection of a bunch of different bits, and the actual vagina is up inside of everything else. I’m sure you can imagine that there are certain scenarios when you might be able to physically see the actual vagina, such as after some extreme fisting. (I’m not interested in it, personally, but if it works for you, you do your thing.)

The moral of the story: Your vulva consists of all the external parts. Your vagina is on the inside. Practice using the correct terminology.

2. Your vagina does not need to be cleaned.

You know how you sometimes get really wet, without being even remotely in the mood? This is your vagina cleaning itself. It actually does a great job all on its own, too – trying to help it out (such as douching, or even rinsing inside with plain water) can cause a nasty infection, called bacterial vaginosis. It can get swollen, and it will be incredibly uncomfortable. The good bacteria in your vagina’s secretions act as a lubricant, and help to protect from bad bacteria.

Your vulva, on the other hand, should be washed regularly. Sometimes bits of debris (lint from your underwear, little toilet paper balls, period blood…) can get caught up, and should be cleaned off periodically. Just make sure you limit your cleaning to the outside, and let the good bacteria inside do its job.

3. Healthy vaginal discharge is free from strong odors, and usually colorless.

As awkward as that unexpected moisture can be, it’s usually completely normal – and no one but you can smell it. We tend to smell ourselves more than we smell others, particularly if it’s something we’re a bit insecure about. But, rest assured, if there was actually something going on with your vagina’s smell, your partner would most likely let you know.

You should pay attention to your discharge, though, particularly any changes. It’s completely normal to have clear or white discharge, or to have some brown discharge if you’ve recently gotten off your period. If it’s suddenly not clear, or if it smells really strong, make a note to talk to your doctor about it – this could be a sign of infection. Your discharge should never result in any itching or soreness, either. If you’re experiencing any sudden changes or inconsistencies, it’s best to have it checked out to rule out the possibility of infection.

4. Your vagina needs exercise – just like you do.

Your vagina isn’t exactly a muscle – but there are muscles in your vagina, and they need to be exercised. Certain situations put you at higher risk for muscular weakness in the area – so if you’ve given birth, gone through menopause, gained some weight, or if you’re a smoker, you might want to practice your Kegels a little more often than lower-risk-category women. Just like any other muscle in the body, you’ll need to keep it strengthened, otherwise it can get flabby. (It’s true!)

Kegel exercises might sound intimidating if you’ve never done them, but really they’re pretty simple – you can even do them without anyone knowing. Sitting at your desk with nothing else to keep you occupied? Do a little squeeze – it should feel like you’re trying to cut off your pee, mid-stream. As a side note, you shouldn’t do your Kegels while you’re peeing – that can cause a whole host of problems. Any other time you’re sitting or lying down is totally fair game, though. (If you and your partner have penetrative sex, I find that this is an amazing time to do them.)

5. A “loose” vagina has nothing to do with promiscuity.

For at least as long as I’ve been alive, there’s been this stigma surrounding women who have a loose vagina. They’re said to have penetrative sex with multiple partners, on a frequent basis. They’re often labeled with all sorts of nasty, derogatory names – over something that’s simply not true. If having sex with multiple partners really loosened the vaginal tissue (which, by the way, is designed to expand enough to push out a baby), then women who have had a lot of sex with the same person would be just as much at risk of “stretching out” as a woman who had a slew of one-night stands. In most cases, single women won’t have as much sex as someone who’s in a committed relationship – it just seems like they have more, because it’s a larger portion of the time they spend with that certain someone.

There are a number of reasons why one vagina may be looser than others, and none of them involve having sex with multiple partners. The most common reasons for “stretching” include the recent birth of a child (vaginally, of course) or neglecting those super-important Kegel exercises. The great news is that those very same Kegels can help to tighten a vagina – without dangerous surgeries or creams to make you “swell up” down there. If you want to tighten your vagina, the absolute best choice is to follow tip #4, above – save your money, and don’t risk your well-being. Seriously. It’s not that big of a deal.

6. “Neo-vaginas” are vastly different than “natural vaginas”.

Gynecologists still don’t fully understand the complexities of a vagina created through transitional surgery, but it’s clear that they are very different than “natural vaginas”. This makes it particularly complicated, as doctors aren’t really sure what the proper care is at this point. It is advised that you share any concerns with your doctor, and it’s advised that you take extra precautions to guard against infection, particularly while you’re still healing.

Although the specifics of optimal care are still largely under-researched, trans women should use special douches – generally a saline rinse – to help keep everything clean. Since these vaginas are basically hand-crafted works of art, rather than natural biological organs, trans women don’t have the benefit of the automatic bacteria production – any bacteria in that area is a bad thing. Be safe, and be sure that you’re taking proper care of your new vagina.

7. Neo-vaginas need to be dilated – regularly.

For those of us who have had vaginas our whole lives, the idea of penetrating ourselves for any reason other than sexual gratification can seem a bit odd. But for trans women, it’s absolutely essential: Their vaginas are made from tissues that originally had a different function and form. They will need to use a vaginal dilator, which is a phallic tube that stretches and/or maintains the opening until it has completely healed.

Immediately following the surgery, it’s essential that the neo-vagina be dilated for at least 30 to 45 minutes at a time, at least six days a week. Once the vagina has reached the desired capacity, penetrative sex can make the process more enjoyable. (It also won’t need to be done as often anymore, but a number of trans women decide to keep it up – because hey, why not!)

8. Yeast infections are super common – we just don’t talk about them much.

At least 75% of cis women (and pre-operative trans men) will experience a yeast infection in their lifetime, and it is a truly uncomfortable experience. Some women are more prone to yeast infections, particularly when on antibiotics, as these will kill the good bacteria as well as the bacteria they’re meant to fight. Cis men (and pre-operative trans women) are also at risk of developing a yeast infection, although it is less common. Unfortunately, sexual contact can spread the bacteria to your partner, too.

Thankfully, yeast infections are generally harmless, as long as they’re treated promptly and properly. Thankfully, there are a number of treatments that can be performed without any embarrassing trips to the doctor – even though there’s no reason to be embarrassed about something that literally happens to almost everyone. (Hint: Going commando is helpful in preventing the infections in the first place, as is washing up with a mild soap after sex. There are certain pH-balanced soaps created specifically for this purpose – just make sure you’re not going inside with them.)

9. Taking good care of your vagina can help prevent most yeast infections.

If you’ve ever experienced the (dis)pleasure of a yeast infection, chances are, you’ll want to do whatever it takes to prevent it from happening again. While some people may be more prone to the infections in the first place, it’s not completely unavoidable. Good vaginal care, including those common-knowledge things like “wipe front to back” and “don’t receive sex while you’re showing symptoms”, can help prevent the spread of yeast infections – or, at the very least, help shorten the time you’ll be suffering with them.

It’s also a good idea to drink plenty of water – at least two liters per day, or about a half-gallon for our US-based readers. As nice as bubble baths are, they’re not good news for your vagina either, nor are scented soaps and shower gels. Tight-fitting clothing (including your underwear) should be avoided, or at least minimized, as there is a known connection between keeping the area cooped up and being more prone to infection. If you’re comfortable doing so, you should probably be going without underwear (or tights!) as much as possible.

10. Always pee after sex – and as soon as possible when you feel the need.

Most women know that penetrative sex should be immediately followed by a quick trip to the bathroom. If you’ve been getting enough water and not holding your urine in, it shouldn’t be too difficult to go. What many don’t know is that holding in your pee can increase the likelihood of a urinary tract infection (which is not something you want to experience), as can oral sex if not followed by a potty break.

Urinary tract infections are caused by bacteria. UTI is really a blanket term, since any foreign bacteria in the vaginal area can cause an infection. We think about this with penetrative sex, as we’re introducing a foreign object into the vagina, but your mouth is one of the most bacteria-laden parts of your body – so oral sex can cause just as many problems down there as using toys or your fingers. (It’s less likely if you’ve used a dental dam without a powder coating, but it is still possible – better safe than sorry!)

11. Always clean your toys and wash your hands before sex – not necessarily after.

Of course, it’s a good idea to clean them twice, both before and after. But if you’re strapped for time, it’s significantly more important to thoroughly wash anything that’s going to come into contact with vaginal moisture before it actually comes into contact. This is particularly true for those who are more prone to infections, but even someone who has never had a UTI before can experience the discomfort with little actual warning.

If you’re using any barrier methods, you’ll want to wash those, too. Some dental dams have a powder coating to prevent them from sticking together, and most latex gloves (commonly cut up for makeshift dental dams) will have a similar powder coating on the outside. This powder definitely counts as a foreign object that can penetrate the vagina – even if you’re not having penetrative sex. And, while condoms are a great idea for using toys, they often have spermicides that can create their own problems. If you don’t need the spermicide, opt for a condom without it.

12. No two vaginas (or vulvas) are exactly the same.

Many of us grew up with the idea of “porn vaginas” being the ideal. Quite frankly, this is probably one of the most self-esteem-damaging body image issues that face the modern woman. Every vagina has a slightly different color, different shape, and different size. Labias are all different, too, and it’s even possible (and likely!) that one half of your vulva won’t quite match up with the other half.

Your labia looks different at different times, too. During orgasm, for example, the labia will be darker and larger than it usually is, due to the increased blood flow to the area. This is definitely not a bad thing – that darker, “fatter” labia is a sign that you’re probably enjoying yourself, and should be celebrated!

13. If your partner gives a damn what you look like down there, she’s the problem – not you.

If your partner truly likes women, he or she isn’t going to care if your vulva looks pretty, or if your vagina isn’t “tight enough”, or if you haven’t shaved in a while. (Although oral sex is a bit uncomfortable with sharp stubble, most of us know how to work around it pretty well.) As long as you’re taking care of things, there’s no such thing as a bad smell from a healthy vagina – perhaps it could smell a bit strong, but most likely, your partner won’t care.

My partner happens to love the strong smell that comes after a good workout, although personally I don’t like the way I smell at that time. Does it mean there’s a problem with my vagina? Not at all – it’s just a stronger scent, and for those who love the smell of a healthy vagina, a stronger smell is not a bad thing at all. If your partner judges you for anything involving your lady bits, she is not the right woman for you!

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Here’s Why You Can’t Orgasm – According To Science

If you’re sick and tired of hearing about your friends’ great sex lives while feeling a little insecure because you can’t seem to orgasm during sex, take heart.

It’s not you. It’s not your girlfriend. It’s science.

A team of researchers from the Mayo Clinic and the Indiana University School of Medicine have investigated why some women find it difficult to achieve orgasm, and they’ve found that it’s not all in the mind.

The new study, published in the journal Clinical Anatomy, looked at a range of previous studies in an attempt to clarify the links between sexual anatomy and the ability to orgasm. Some of the studies included magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans of couples copulating, which provided information as to which sexual positions were the most likely to culminate in an orgasm.

For women, problems achieving orgasm are more related to sexual positioning. The researchers note that the closer the clitoris is to the vaginal wall during sex, the more likely an orgasm will occur.

The clitoris actually migrates towards this wall during intercourse, and as the MRI scans revealed, different positions are variably effective in helping to encourage this.

The most ideal position, according to the study, is one that stimulates the front wall of the vagina, like “missionary” or “cowgirl.”

The authors conclude that “orgasms are complex phenomena involving psychological, physiological, and anatomic variation.”

It’s safe to say that, then, different folks certainly require different strokes, so to speak.

While more research needs to be conducted on this specific topic, it’s worth noting it’s actually pretty common for women to have a tough time orgasming from sex.

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How Much Do You Know About Sex? Science Says Not A Lot

We all have our preconceived accepted “truths” about sex. But, how much of what we think we know is actually true?

Well, we’ve done the research on all things orgasmic, risque and desirable, and what we’ve uncovered will shock you.

Post-Coital Cuddling Benefits Long After Leaving the Bedroom


Cuddling has been a standard of proper post-intercourse procedure for as long as such bedroom behaviours have existed.

Though its popularity may waver – particularly among young, reportedly-non-committals – new research shows side effects of spooning may be stronger than you think.

According to findings of Amy Muise, Elaine Giang and Emily Impett, the duration of post-sex affection has positive association with higher sexual satisfaction, resulting in higher relationship satisfaction for those in committed relationships.

Women Fake It for Themselves


Contrary to popular belief, women may be faking orgasms not to stroke their partner’s ego, but to enhance their own sexual pleasure.

In one study, four factors were used in the Faking Orgasm Scale for Women (FOS):

  • faking orgasm out of concern for one’s partner’s feelings
  • faking for fear of a negative sexual experience
  • faking to increase one’s own arousal
  • faking it to end sexual activity

Though faking it to spare a partner’s feelings was a key factor, study co-author Erin Cooper told a Huffington Post writer that pretending to reach climax is merely another “tool in the toolbox” of sexual satisfaction techniques for women.

Only Heterosexual Males Care About Infidelity


Emotional cheating versus physical infidelity is a divide that has threatened to destroy even the oldest of partnerships.

In a survey of 63,894 gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual individuals, researchers asked participants which would cause them more emotional distress: a partner engaging in an emotional affair (but never engaging physically) or a partner having sexual relations with another (but not falling in love).

Researchers, David Frederick and Melissa Fales,  that while the heterosexual male survey population was by far more upset by sexual infidelity, a staggering 70 percent of all other participants preferred physical cheating over emotional unfaithfulness.

Orgasm Obsession Can Actual Deter Satisfaction


That’s right. Despite what your favorite porn provider may lead you to believe, focusing too much on orgasm achievement may actually inhibit one’s ability to climax.

In a study of sexual satisfaction, four factors of focus were considered:

  • emotional and masculine
  • relational and feminine
  • partner-emphasized
  • orgasm-emphasized

Dr. Sarah McClelland that though orgasm was important to some participants, it was not a viable determinant for whether or not an individual was sexually satisfied.

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Ways You Can Pleasure Your Girlfriend – Using Only Your Fingers

Most of us are looking for ways to improve our sex lives. We tend to look towards new gadgets, new techniques, new costumes, special lubes…

We can get so caught up in bigger-and-better that we neglect the basics. Not only are there ways you can please your partner without any special “equipment”, but if you put a lot into your normal routines, you can forget that sometimes, simple is better. I know some of us might feel like fingers are “just the beginning”, and that can be true. But have you ever had an orgasm that denied the use of oral?

For a long time, I thought I couldn’t have an orgasm unless there was some tongue involved. And then, I met the partner who bothered to try. It’s in your best interest to be the partner who tries. We’ll let you in on the secrets.

1. Start with a massage.

Most women are pretty responsive to a good sensual massage. Splurge on a nice body oil or lotion (but keep in mind that it probably can’t be used as lube). My favorite massage oil smells like lavender and almonds, and has the added bonus of being safe to use as a facial moisturizer. Your experience may vary, so make sure to do your research to ensure you’re getting a scent that both you and your partner enjoy. If you aren’t able to reach an agreement, opt for a scent-free baby oil – it’s gentle on the skin and glides on silky smooth.

Unfortunately, giving a massage itself isn’t quite as easy as it might seem, so it will take some practice to get things just right. The use of oils or lotions means that you’ll need to put a little more pressure to actually relieve the muscle tension, otherwise you’re literally just rubbing oil into her, and while that can be relaxing for some, it doesn’t count as a massage.

However, too much pressure and you can get strained, which will also affect the quality of the massage – because it’ll be much shorter. It might take some practice to get your methods just right, but trust me – your girlfriend will thank you when you get the hang of it.

2. Focus on teasing.

Too often, we find ourselves tempted to jump right into “the good stuff” – without realizing that what you do before can make the good stuff either better or worse. Rarely is a woman fully aroused just by the thought of getting some action, so you’ll need to tempt and tease her body before you give in. Prolonging this teasing makes the “actual work” portion of the sex much more effective, since your partner will be significantly more aroused, and probably a lot wetter, too.

Don’t just tease her vagina, though. It’s important to make a full-body connection if you want a powerful response. Let your fingers graze the back of her neck, and the sides of her stomach, and even the backs of her legs. These are highly sensitive areas that are easy to overlook, since they don’t seem like they would turn her on. But, particularly if you’ve started with a sensual massage, these areas are highly erogenous zones that can make a huge difference in the long run.

Make sure you’re talking to your partner, to see what she likes and doesn’t like. Realistically, you should be getting pleasure from giving her pleasure, not from doing specific things you like doing. If you want her to be satisfied, you’re going to actually need to know what she wants, otherwise your efforts are just a shot in the dark.

3. Don’t forget the nipples, too!

I’ve known women who said that they didn’t like nipple play… Just to find out that they only liked certain types of nipple play. It’s actually built into our internal systems that nipple stimulation will feel good. It’s just a matter of figuring out what your partner responds best to, and working on that, instead of other techniques that just don’t work for her.

Many women respond well to their nipples being slightly grazed, and the nipples will react by becoming hard. Personally, though, that just makes my nipples itchy, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Some women like gentle tugging or pinching. Some women even like hard tugging and pinching. You can even try “rolling” the nipples between your fingers, using gentle circular motions with your thumb and index finger.

When you’re playing with your partner’s nipples, make sure you’re not neglecting the rest of the breast, too. Generally, women with smaller breasts will notice that their entire breast area is more sensitive, since all boobs have the same number of nerves in them. This sounds disappointing for those with larger breasts, but rest assured – most of these nerves are in the nipples, so as long as you’re giving them the attention they need, you should be just fine.

4. Drag out the anticipation.

I know, I know – I already mentioned teasing. But I’m mentioning it again, because it really is that important. Now, though, you’ll be focusing on the “good parts”. Well, next to the good parts. The inner thighs, the outer folds of the vagina, and even the lower stomach (between the pubic mound and the belly button) are all directly connected to the clitoris, and you can indirectly stimulate her by gently rubbing these areas.

Try to hold off on touching her clitoris or her vaginal opening for as long as possible – your goal is to make her beg for it (and trust me, if you’re doing it right, she will.) Instead, get close to these areas, maybe brush against them with the back of your hand or your knuckles, and continue prolonging things.

Some women like the feeling of having their inner labia gently pulled on, but you should definitely make sure you check with her first, as this is uncomfortable for others. You can also run your finger along the inner edges of the labia, trying not to touch the clitoris (but it’s really not a problem if you do touch it). At this point, you should be able to feel her quite wet – and that’s a good sign that it’s almost time to give her what she wants. (But not yet!)

5. Try something new with her clit.

Unfortunately, many of us are pretty lazy in bed. I actually had someone tell me once that she wouldn’t date anyone who doesn’t like receiving from a strap-on, because it’s less work for her. To me, this is incredibly selfish. Most of us find that one thing that works for us, and that’s “our thing” – we don’t bother trying any variations. This is not good, and even if your partner doesn’t say it, she’s probably bored of “your thing” by now, and somewhere deep inside, you probably already know this.

If you’re used to rubbing up and down, try using circles instead. If you normally do circles, try “stroking” the hooded part of the clitoris with your fingers. Try rubbing side to side with your fingers in a V motion. Try using two fingers to rub her clit instead of one – this gives you the ability to change the direction you’re rubbing with one finger, and have the other one still doing “the usual”. Even a change of position can make the difference – if you typically place yourself between her legs, or at her side, try reaching from behind – it’s an entirely different feeling.

Of course, this particular step can take a while to master, especially since you’ll be (basically) re-learning something that seems so simple. But comfort is the enemy of progress, and if you really want her to reach peak levels of sexual satisfaction, you’re probably going to need to make yourself just a little bit uncomfortable sometimes. Isn’t her happiness worth trying something new and awkward?

6. If she’s into penetration, don’t give it to her yet.

Yes, I’m actually going to tell you not to give your partner what she wants right now. But this is all part of the super-tease master plan, and the more time you spend now, the less time you’ll spend throwing your arm out to reach that G-Spot. Trust me on this one. Do not penetrate your partner the first time she asks you to. You want her to do more than ask… You want her to beg for it.

Instead, use your finger to gently circle the entrance to her vagina. You’ll want to feel how wet she is, and perhaps dip just inside every now and then – but not enough to give her what she really wants. If you’d like, you can go back and forth between the vaginal opening and the clitoris, taking just a little bit of her natural lubrication with you as you go, and waiting for her to ask again.

It might seem mean to prolong the anticipation for this long, but that’s just because our society has been conditioned to prefer instant gratification. But psychologically, people prefer things they have to wait for. And, of course, you’re not going to leave her hanging – you’ll give her what she wants in just a little while.

7. Once she’s begging, penetrate her nice and slow.

I’m really bad about wanting it hard, so I’ll try to resist begging for it until I’m ready to hurry up and finish. But that’s not what leads to the best orgasms. Sure, you can have rough and hard – but you need to start nice and slow first, otherwise it’s simply not going to be as satisfying. Slide your fingers in gently, and try to do more “wiggling” than thrusting.

In order to have a G-spot orgasm, you’re going to want a little bit of rotating pressure. This is why those rotating vibrators are so popular – it feels a lot better. Try to make a “scooping” motion with your fingers, and even try “kicking” with them. (Gently, of course.) These two often-overlooked techniques provide a great deal of sensation, but “kicking” will require two fingers. (If your partner is still newer to being penetrated, two fingers might be a bit much, unless you’ve done a lot of teasing beforehand – the vagina is designed to expand to fit a baby through it, so as long as things are properly lubricated, you shouldn’t have trouble slowly introducing a second finger.)

Take your time, and wait until she can’t handle another second of teasing. She might be trying to push your face down at this point, but if you really want to give her a great orgasm with your fingers, you’re going to have to resist taking the “easy way out”.

8. Give her everything you’ve got.

Once she really can’t handle it anymore, it’s time to get to work and give her everything she asks for. Literally everything. If she wants a finger in her bum, put a finger in her bum (but make sure you’re being gentle back there – that’s sensitive tissue that doesn’t expand in the same ways the vagina does). If she wants you to thrust hard enough to cause her physical pain, do it – she wouldn’t ask for it specifically unless she actually wanted it.

If you’ve done the previous steps right, your partner will be telling you exactly what she wants. It might be difficult to get the words out, but the goals are no secret. Pay attention to her body language, do the things you already know she likes, and don’t forget the other parts of her body, too. Just because the foreplay is done doesn’t mean you can focus on one part of her body only. Reach a hand up and grab her breast, rub her nipples between your fingers, or grip her hips.

Make sure you’re really paying attention, though. Not everyone is into the same things, and just because something works for one woman doesn’t always mean that they’ll work for every woman. You should hopefully have an understanding with your partner so that she feels comfortable communicating with you during sex – because, believe it or not, that’s really the most important part.

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Crazy Ways Women Change Their Behavior When They Want Sex – According to Science

In most of the animal kingdom, it’s easy to tell when a particular animal is looking for a partner. Female cats howl and spray urine. (If you live in a stray-populated area, I’m sure you know exactly what howl I’m talking about here.) Female chimpanzees will swell in their genital region – sometimes as large as a cantaloupe! – making it really hard to mistake. Female dogs show swelling, too, but it’s not as pronounced as it is with chimpanzees.

In other species, it’s the male who will show more signs. The frigate bird, for example, has a red throat that it can puff out like a balloon. Some birds dance, or sing a specific tune, or even bring their intended partner a gift. Male guinea pigs make a noise that rivals Chewbacca. (This is something I figured out quite on accident.)

With humans, it’s not so obvious, but there are signs – in both males and females. Some anthropologists and biologists think that humans might experience estrus at a lower level than other animals. This might explain why we generally have sex for pleasure, whereas other animals have sex for procreation. We’ve evolved to a state where we can control our sexual hormones, to a certain extent, and this makes things much more subtle.

But what if those scientists are wrong? Well, there is a separate group of psychologists who think that the first group doesn’t know what they’re talking about. (I’m paraphrasing here, of course.) Research has shown that the human menstrual cycle might be a little more obvious than we give it credit for. We’re just conditioned to ignore these signs so we can be proper members of society. (Okay, maybe I added that last part in there, but it would make sense.)

Even though women don’t generally swell up noticeably during their menstrual cycle, and most of us won’t howl out mating calls, for approximately six days during the regular cycle, there is a period when we may be more likely to dress provocatively, flirt, and, of course, be sexually aroused.

We’re also conditioned to pick up on these cues, says Jon Maner, PhD. According to one of his studies, men (as the participants were heterosexual) would react to a woman who was ovulating by inching closer to her and mimicking her gestures. It’s hard to translate this heterosexual-experiment to a homosexual-practical-application, though, because the results just don’t hold up outside of the lab.

Hormone researcher Sari van Anders, PhD, explains it like this: “These lab studies have never, to my knowledge, been extended into actual partner choice. If ovulation affects real-life mate choice so strongly outside the lab, why haven’t we seen these results?” Personally, we feel that the study needs a lot more refinement to be conclusive, and at its present incarnation it definitely seems to promote a sense of rape culture. (Yikes – we’re trying to put an end to that in 2016.)

A separate study suggests that hormones may respond to a person’s behavior, and not the other way around – giving humans that sex-hormone control that we touched on earlier. It is conclusive that neither men or women have a solid grasp on what their hormones are doing to their body or their behavior at any given moment. (The same study also found that there really are no actual differences between men and women in terms of personality, leadership, and intelligence. To which we say, hallelujah – science confirms that gendering personality traits is unnecessary.)

According to Maner, “The vast majority of all this occurs outside of our conscious awareness. It’s kind of like chemistry between two people. You know when you have it, but you’re not sure what it is.” This can either be comforting or scary, depending on how you look at it. On the one hand, having something fall into a higher power – whether science, God, the universe, or whichever combination of theories you may personally subscribe to – relieves us of some of the responsibility of such a thing. But, it also leaves room for misinterpretation of involuntary bodily responses. It excuses a lack of control over the response to a natural bodily process – which can, in some cases, be really dangerous.

There have been a number of other studies that pertain to the menstrual cycle and attraction, including one that compared the specific types of people that women were more inclined to be attracted to. This study took young (again, heterosexual) couples and used photographs of the men, judged certain features, and their perceived “attractiveness”. The female partners were then asked to rate their sexual feelings toward not only their own partner, but also the other male participants.

The study found that, during the peak of ovulation, women were more likely to prefer “masculine attractiveness” and stereotypically male characteristics, such as the “bad boy” type, even if their romantic partner was more stereotypically feminine in appearance and behavior. This is, of course, based on averages, and it’s bound to be different from woman to woman. Still, fertile and ovulating women were seen to prefer a short-term fling with someone that they wouldn’t want to settle down with – which might explain why so many women end up with men (and women) who they wouldn’t necessarily choose to settle down with. It might just have to do with when they met.

There was an interesting finding in the study, though. Women who were using contraception that suppressed their normal ovulation did not prefer the more masculine participants. Their results mid-cycle were more aligned with their preferences during the rest of their cycle, leaning toward those who were better partner material. It seems counterintuitive that we’d want to procreate with someone who isn’t going to stick around.

Steve Gangestad, PhD explains it like this. From an evolutionary standpoint, we are drawn to procreate with someone with “good genes”. This would be someone who exhibits strength, dominance, and “genetic fitness”. Gangestad thinks it’s probably a hold-over from the days when there was no real social construct that made faithfulness important. You know, back when humans had sex because they needed to keep their numbers up, and not because they liked how it felt.

But, according to another psychologist, Martie Haselton, PhD, there isn’t any solid evidence that says women are likely to act on these ovulation-induced desires. “But there are data trends in those directions.” Haselton goes on to say that there’s nothing proving that women are actually looking for “extracurricular sex”, but they will choose more “provocative and attractive clothing” while they’re ovulating – 60%, compared to 40% who didn’t. More interesting is that this doesn’t exclude women in long-term relationships. (Haselton thinks this might be an attempt to keep their partner’s attraction, rather than to attract someone new.) None of the study participants wore anything particularly revealing, probably because this study was conducted at a university that the participants attended.

What do you think – do these studies make sense, or do you think that they should be repeated with a broader range of participants? (Like perhaps including the LGBT+ community – that’s definitely something I want to see!) Of course, as science usually goes, there are rarely any concrete answers, but one thing’s for sure – human science is weird.

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What Do Your Weird Sex Dreams Really Mean?

We’ve all been there before: Fooling around in your dreams, and then when the person shows their face, you’re completely appalled. It’s someone totally awkward, like your ex, or your boss, or a trio of clowns. (Hey… No judgment here.) You’d probably wake up a little freaked out. You don’t really want to have sex with those people… Right? Suddenly, you start to question everything you thought you knew about yourself. Are you secretly attracted to clowns?

Well, probably not. An estimated 8% of dreams end up having a sexual component to them, and they’re rarely as cut-and-dry as they seem. Most of the time, sex dreams aren’t actually about sex at all, but they can be linked to other areas of your life. Many of us are aware that dream psychology is a pretty strange subject anyway – like how death in a dream usually signifies a new beginning, not an ending like you may think – but, for some reason, we can forget that this applies to sex in a dream, too.

Dream psychologist Ian Wallace, who wrote the book The Top 100 Dreams: The Dreams That We All Have and What They Really Mean, reminds us that someone popping up in a sexy dream doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have sex with that person. In fact, most of the time, the dream actually has more to do with you than with them.

Because dreams don’t usually translate literally, it can be helpful to understand that sex in a dream represents vulnerability. It’s not about literally being naked with that particular person, but it is about laying yourself in the open. Usually the people in your sex dreams are a type of representation of yourself, too. There will usually be a quality that you admire, or one that you see reflected in yourself. If you find yourself having sexual dreams about people you don’t find admirable, you’ll need to evaluate why you’re seeing yourself in them – and work to improve the situation.

Here’s a brief rundown of the most common awkward sex dream partners – and what it means when you’re dreaming about them.

Your boss

If you’re having sex dreams about your boss, you’re really not alone. Most people will have a sex dream about a boss or coworker at some point in their lives, and it doesn’t always mean you’re attracted to them. Since your boss is in a symbolic position of power over you, a dream where you’re having sex with him or her could mean that you’re understanding your own leadership capabilities and ready to take a position of power for yourself. Wallace says, “Your subconscious is probably becoming aware of your ability to make decisions and act as a leader.” You should probably not try to have actual, not imaginary sex with your boss as one of those decisions – but it would be a good idea to set up a meeting to discuss a promotion.

Your platonic friend(s)

Having sexual dreams about someone you feel you could never have a sexual connection with might make you question some of your innermost thoughts, but realistically, they probably don’t actually have anything to do with sexual attraction. More likely, there is some sort of talent that he or she has that you find yourself wanting to emulate. Is he good at karaoke? Does she have flawless eyebrow game? Whatever it is, your subconscious mind is trying to absorb this skill through imaginary sex, and convince you to start practicing in your awake life.

Your crush

You’d think that a sex dream about the person you’re obviously sexually attracted to is – obviously – about sex. But we don’t have sex dreams based on sexual attractiveness. More likely, you’re attracted to this person’s emotional or spiritual self, which can help push the sexual attraction along. But I’m sure you’ll find that you don’t really have sex dreams about someone you have a purely physical connection to – because your dreams aren’t a literal manifestation of things.

A celebrity (male or female)

This one seems like a purely physical thing, too, especially if the celebrity happens to fall on a list of celebrities you greatly admire. But yet again, it’s not about attraction – it’s about recognizing yourself. Maybe you find yourself having sex dreams about a singer who stands up for gay rights, or an actress who happens to be great at math. Whatever it is, your subconscious is identifying something you have in common with them and essentially giving you an ego boost. You’re just as good as the celebrity you’re dreaming about, your brain says to you. And while that might not make the sex dream any less awkward, it’s still not about the celebrity – it’s about you.

A family member

Before I continue, let me say that I know you’re thinking that incest is wrong, and it definitely is. But, just like the other people on this list, it’s not about actually having sex with the person. Rather, if you’re having sex dreams about a family member, it most likely means that there’s a skill or character trait that they have that you really admire and want to implement in your own life. It doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with your brother or your dad or your great-uncle.

Your ex

This is a particularly hard one, because it usually crops up after you’re decidedly over your ex. It might even make you wonder if you were wrong about being over it. Really, though, it’s your subconscious telling you that you’re repeating your past mistakes – and it should be treated like a wake-up call. This could mean that you’re failing in some aspect of your current relationship, or that you’re letting your insecurities from your last relationship take over your dating game. Whatever it is, it’s important to find the root cause and fix it before things get out of your control.

A stranger (like those clowns)

Usually, when someone has a sex dream about a stranger, their face will be obscured in some way. For the clowns, this’ll be through the makeup. Other times, it may involve a mask, or the person might just have no face at all! This has nothing to do with some freaky fetish you didn’t know you had. In fact, it more often has to do with a talent you’ve been hiding. Work on being a truer version of yourself, and the mysterious stranger dreams will probably go away.

Bonus sex dream: Your partner cheating on you

Many of us have had dreams where our partner was cheating on us, and sometimes we might even be upset with them because of the things that they did in our dreams. But it’s important to realize that the dream has literally nothing to do with them. Instead, your brain is trying to tell you that you’re doubting yourself. You need a confidence boost, and your mind is telling you that you need to be this person (the one your honey is getting a little too sweet with) in order to hang onto her. Generally, the person that your partner is cheating on will be a reflection of yourself: Either who you used to be, if you’ve stopped putting forth the effort, or who you want to be.

Why do dreams have to be so complicated?

Honestly, they’re not… As long as you look at them from a more abstract angle. Very rarely are our dreams literally what we’re thinking about. It’s important to remember that dreams are actually made up of brain impulses and electrical activity, so even though we feel like we can see the things happening, really there’s nothing to see. This is easier said than fully understood, though, and it’s often difficult to pick apart the electrical responses (the “nakedness” you feel) from the manifestation (the act of having sex with someone in your dream).

Of course, even with intense study, dreams can be difficult to fully understand, especially since – occasionally – they really are exactly what they seem like. (These dreams are generally memories, although it can be tough when the memories are faded and convoluted, as the psychological aspect tends to run into the memories and make things even less logical.)

If you’re looking for a little more insight into the world of dreams, there are a variety of dream encyclopedias out there, some even available for free. If you’ve never looked into it before, be warned – it can be life-changing!

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How to Have Better, Stronger Orgasms – According to Science

I don’t know about you, but I have a really hard time “finishing” in the bedroom. I’ve only had a handful of partners who could actually bring me to orgasm, and it’s almost always involved a bunch of different stuff. I end up feeling guilty about it sometimes, because I know that sometimes, you really just want a quickie, and I’m not about to get off until at least 45 minutes in.

Realistically, though, there’s nothing to feel guilty about that. Statistically speaking, most women can’t orgasm from a single type of stimulation, and there are many women who can’t orgasm (or, at least, they haven’t). I look at statistics like these, and suddenly my 45-minutes-to-three-hours doesn’t sound so bad after all.

When I heard that there were ways to increase the orgasms I had, both in quantity and quality (so to speak), I was really excited to check them out – and, of course, share them with you!

So, what are these mysterious, scientifically-proven methods?

Kegel exercises.

I’m sure we’ve all heard of Kegel exercises before, but just for a recap, that’s when you intentionally work your pelvic floor muscles. Like any other muscles, they can get a little squishy, and they don’t have the same “push-back” when you’re getting busy.

What you might not know is that Kegel exercises actually have a whole host of other benefits, too. Your pelvic floor helps support your bladder, your uterus, and your vagina. Not only does it help to tighten the vagina (which will increase the sensations that you feel during penetrative sex), but it can also help with frequent urination problems! (Although, technically, its ability to produce a stronger orgasm aren’t completely proven – they are a bit subjective, after all.

To get started with Kegel exercises, all you need to do is sit in a comfortable position. Now, imagine that you’re urinating, and squeeze as if you’re trying to stop peeing. (Please don’t actually do this while you’re using the restroom, as it can actually cause some problems – instead, just do them while you’re watching TV, playing on Facebook, driving…) You can even do them during penetrative sex, and your partner will be able to feel you squeeze. Ideally you’ll want to do these exercises a few times a day, and not just while you’re getting busy. Like any other muscle, repeated strength training will definitely improve things.

If you’re looking to buy something to help with your Kegel exercises (although it’s totally not necessary), Ben Wa Balls were literally made for this. There’s also a handy new device that’s basically a FitBit for your personal bits, and it’s actually pretty cute! Or, for those with a little more of a flair for technology, there’s even a device to let you use your vagina to control a video game. Yes, you read right.

More sexual frustration.

I know, it sounds like this is the opposite of what you want, but let me explain. Your orgasms are going to be much stronger, the longer you’re left anticipating them. According to sex educator Dorian Solot, “The longer the arousal buildup, the bigger the explosion.” This means that you really should be teasing your partner more, and letting her do the same for you – it’ll pay off in the long run!

Faster breathing.

Leave those yoga breaths outside of the bedroom. Beth Orenstein, contributor for Everyday Health, tells us that focusing on your breathing when you’re approaching orgasm will actually make things better. Instead of slow, deep breaths, try taking shorter, quicker breaths. This one won’t work for everyone, but it’s worth giving it a try – what do you have to lose?


I’m starting to feel like a broken record, because I keep insisting on the importance of open communication, in every stage of every type of every relationship ever. But it’s true, and when it comes to sexy talk, it actually has a double-edged benefit. Not only does asking for what you want greatly increase the probability that you’ll get it, but talking dirty can be really fun and sexy anyway. It might take some time to get used to it, particularly if you’re shy, but thankfully we’ve got a handy little guide for that one, too.


It’s pretty much impossible to know what you like if you haven’t fully explored your options. There are so many different possibilities with masturbation (and sex in general) that it’s almost impossible to try every single idea out there – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

In addition to using different tools (such as your fingers, toys meant for penetration, toys meant for external stimulation, the massaging shower wand…), you should try different locations. Most people masturbate in bed, and some in the shower, but what about on the couch, or your (private) back yard? Of course, your locations should probably be limited to what’s legal, so no movie-theater masturbation or diddling-while-driving, please.

Another thing you should be considering is the different times of the day. Some women are incredibly responsive in the morning – so if you find that your morning self-love sessions do the trick for you, try for some wake-up sex with your partner! Others will find that midnight does better for them. There’s no right or wrong – just what works for you. But you have to figure it out first.

Cut back on alcohol.

Since alcohol is commonly used to lower sexual inhibitions, it seems a little unfair that it actually cheats you out of the good orgasms you want (and deserve). For most women (and men too!), alcohol makes the orgasm significantly less intense, if you even have one at all. Personally, I implement a rule that I don’t have sex if I’ve got more than a slight buzz on – and, for the sake of your sexual satisfaction, you probably should, too. Better yet, have sex before you go out drinking, and you might not even need as much alcohol to have a good time!

Have sex more often.

According to a 2014 University of Albany study, heterosexual female college students in committed relationships had better orgasms the more often they had them. Of course, there are a variety of factors in place here, so it would definitely be something you should try for yourself, rather than taking the study at face value. But, even mediocre orgasms are still pretty great, so we think it’s worth practicing a little for this one.

Use toys, sex cushions, or even costumes.

Sometimes, it’s as simple as mixing things up. There are so many different types of sex toys on the market, designed for so many different things, you’re really not limited by anything other than your budget and your personal inhibitions. For those who like penetrative sex, those are definitely the most widely used sex toys, but they are far from the only option out there.

Sex cushions, on the other hand, don’t need to be specifically sexual (although there are wedges that are strategically designed to put your body at the “perfect” position for optimum pleasure). Just use some pillows, and experiment with different angles. Not only does a cushion or pillow let you try something new without being incredibly uncomfortable, they can even give you a better look at what your partner is doing down there – and that can be incredibly sexy.

For the super adventurous among us, having your partner play to your fantasies and fetishes can stimulate you mentally while she stimulates you physically – leading to a double-edged orgasm that will, by design, be even stronger. Of course, you should pick a costume that your partner actually feels comfortable wearing, but you should feel free to explore your fetishes.

Improve your circulatory health.

The “throbbing” feeling that you get when you’re incredibly aroused comes from blood flow – so it makes sense that you should work on improving your circulation whenever possible. We know that exercising, eating right, and giving up nicotine are all responsible for improved blood flow, so if you’ve been looking for more motivation to keep up with those good habits (and kick the bad ones), remind yourself that your orgasms are going to be so much better when you do.

Feel free to laugh.

Okay, so it might seem weird to make jokes while you’re having sex, but hear me out: Being with someone who makes you laugh leads to better sex. It doesn’t have to be in the bedroom, of course; the correlation between humor and sex drive is documented no matter when your partner makes you laugh. But if you can’t have sex without cracking a joke sometimes, are you really having sex with the right person?

Experiment and practice.

This one really ought to go without saying, but… You never know what you like until you’ve tried a few things, and you’ll never get good at something unless you practice. That obviously means that the more experimenting and practicing you do, the better your sex is going to be, right? We think so, too.

All in all, there really isn’t a lot that’s off limits between consenting adults, so you should try to find someone who’s into trying the things you want to try – and then trying them a few more times, just to be sure.

10 Lesbian Movies To Watch For Bedroom Inspiration

The lesbian sub-genre of movies is one that most lesbians will eat up without question. We love to see some lady-on-lady loving, even if the representations we see are all too often unrealistic or completely messed up. We don’t care. We’ll watch it anyway (and the producers know that, too). But some movies are just better than others – and they inspire us to try and do that thing that you saw so-and-so do in that one movie…

I know, I know. Not the greatest way to explain it. But really, we love lesbian films, especially if we need some new ideas, because even the ones that were written and produced by straight people have some ideas that seem pretty exciting, at least to try…

Ahem. Where were we? Oh yes – lesbian love scenes! Love them or hate them (or, love them in secret while pretending you hate them), they’re here to stay as one of the things that can either make or break a lesbian movie. In fact, it’s considered “financially damning” to include lesbian sex scenes in films, because they’re often slapped with the NC-17 rating for showing a vagina. (Coincidentally, you can have as many topless women in a film as you want without getting stuck with that rating, but the first time someone takes their panties off, you’ve got “pornography” on your hands. Go figure.)

If you’re looking for some sexy movies that portrayed lesbian sex the way it was meant to be portrayed, check out our list of the top 10 lesbian sex scenes below.

Kiss Me (2011)

The movie itself might be a bit strange, with the lines between “strange” and “strained” being a bit blurry. For starters, this one is in Swedish with English subtitles, so those who don’t speak Swedish might be forced to choose between watching the actresses or reading the dialogue. Those who stick it out, though, will be shown a bunch of attractive people and some sexy love scenes between a woman and her future step-sister. There is, of course, more going on than that, but you’re going to have to watch it and find out for yourself.

Blue is the Warmest Color (2013)

Now, I’m a little ashamed to admit that I have yet to see this movie. It’s on nearly every list of lesbian movies I’ve ever seen anywhere, and even though it’s gotten some controversial opinions about the use of fake vaginas in the sex scenes, lesbians everywhere seem to eat it up anyway. (Pun only sort-of intended.) Remarkably, despite the prosthetic vaginas, the rest of the movie is said to feel so real – perhaps because of how hard the director pushed the cast. What was originally intended to be shot in about two months ended up taking almost five and a half, and the struggling you see on camera is really the actresses struggling themselves. I can’t wait to watch this one myself and decide for sure.

Bloomington (2010)


If you’ve been waiting for a movie that tells the forbidden student-teacher romance story with a lot of sex… Bloomington is that movie. This movie is so steamy, that it’s hard to think of it as anything else. There’s so much going on in this one, and the story itself has quite a few layers that you might not expect, but… Come on. Student-teacher, lots of sex. What more do you need to know?

I Can’t Think Straight (2007)

A passionate exploration of sexual identity – ah, how we love that in our lesbian romances. This movie isn’t exactly a fairy tale movie like you might expect, but instead it offers a rollercoaster you can’t tear yourself away from. As a bonus, both lead actresses are completely gorgeous (as they usually are in lesbian films!) so the sex scenes are going to be pretty steamy, by design. We couldn’t be happier.

The Four-Faced Liar (2010)

Okay, so, the idea of cheating on your partner is pretty much implied in pretty much every lesbian movie, ever… And this is no different. But this particular movie happened to win an HBO Audience Award at Outfest, which means it’s actually a pretty decent movie. It explores the opposing views of society and the heart, and blah, blah, blah… And the passionate sex that can sometimes be missing from our lives. Some pretty good ideas in this one, actually.

Concussion (2013)

I have to admit – I don’t know exactly what this movie is about, but I know it’s got sexy older actresses and one of them is a sex worker. That already implies there are going to be some great sex scenes, but this movie seems like it goes a bit deeper than that. The trailer alone shows quite a few ideas worth noting, so you can imagine how much the movie is going to inspire.

The Girl Who Played With Fire (2009)

This lesser-known sequel to the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (in Swedish) shows what happens after the events of the first movie. Of course, just like all the best lesbian films, it’s subtitled into English, but that doesn’t make it any less breathtaking. Plus, you’ve only got to wait about 18 minutes for the first sex scene – no beating around the bush here.

Stud Life (2012)

If you’re tired of lesbian movies that portray femme-femme pairings, Stud Life offers the not-often-touched subject of the femme-stud dynamic. Plus, the stud’s best friend is a gay man. I, for one, am quite interested to see a lesbian movie that deals with something other than the same old thing that everyone else does. If you need some studs in your life, the answer is obvious.

The Guest House (2012)

Please note that this particular movie will not let you pretend that you’re watching for the plot. At all. This one’s pretty cheesy, but the sex scenes are hot and something that most of us have thought of – at least in passing. If you want to watch a porn that’s not quite a porn, this is pretty much it. It feels like a home movie, for sure, but there is lesbian sex, and some inspiring dialogue.

The Gymnast (2006)


Okay, if your mind is most inspired by imagining things and not actually seeing them, The Gymnast is just the movie you need to get your motor running. Truly, we don’t ever actually see the sex scenes, but we can hear them, and they’re still pretty sexy. We are forced to explore our own desires with this one, because it doesn’t show anything upfront – and do we really need it to? Maybe, maybe not – watch it and decide for yourself.

How Your Interest In Someone Is Put To The Test After Sex

It’s long been said that you shouldn’t shop when you’re hungry, shouldn’t date when you’re horny, and you shouldn’t post on social media when you’re drunk. It’s pretty much a given – and, like all the other rules in life, they’re things we tend to ignore from time to time.

In fact, most of us have found ourselves seeking out a partner just because we haven’t gotten laid in a while – even if we’re not the type to give it up on the first date. There’s an implication that you will have sex, at some point in time, and we tend to seek out people we want to have sex with. We might tell ourselves that’s not the primary goal, and that might not be the only factor after all. But it’s definitely up there for most of us.

Realistically, though, this thinking is flawed. Not only can you not tell what someone’s like in bed just by looking at them, you also can’t really tell what a person is really like just by sleeping with them. That doesn’t make it an easy concept to grasp, though, and it’s entirely possible that your expectations are going to be completely shattered from time to time.

Think of the girl you dated for months before you hooked up with her. You took the time to know her favorite movie, her favorite color, and even her favorite text tone on her phone. You like this girl a lot, so you decide to take the next step, and you two have sex. Most likely, it’s going to be a magical experience, partially because you waited so long for it, and partially because you’re head over heels with this woman.

Now, let’s think about the girl you dated because you felt like you really needed to get laid. Maybe you met at the bar, or the local bookstore, or whatever, but she is so hot that you can’t help yourself – and you sleep with her right away. Is this sex magical too? Maybe, maybe not. The sex itself doesn’t reveal so much, honestly… It’s about what you do after the sex.

Are you still interested?

One of the surest ways to tell if you’re dating because you’re horny is by evaluating how you feel after you’ve had sex. It doesn’t matter if you waited forever before you had sex or if you had sex on the first date. It doesn’t matter if you’ve exchanged “I love you’s” or if you haven’t even exchanged names. What matters is how you feel about her once you’ve come down from that post-orgasm high.

If you see her crazy sex hair and her awkward orgasm face, do you still want to get to know her better? Or are you happy to move on once you’ve gotten what you came for?

Sexual chemistry is a big deal.

While there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to sex between consenting adults, a drastic difference in sexual interests is probably going to cause problems down the road. If she asked for something during sex that you really weren’t comfortable with, what was your first instinct? If you went ahead and did it anyway, but felt awkward that she even asked, this can be a red flag for future sexual incompatibility issues. On the other hand, if you refused, but find yourself interested in working up to it, this is a pretty good indicator that your interest in this woman is legit.

There is another side of the coin, too, and that’s your fantasies. If you find the need for rough sex, but she’d rather have it slow and gentle, do you feel disappointed by this difference, or are you willing to accommodate? Remember, the person receiving should always be in charge of what happens to them – but you’ll need to evaluate her acceptance of your own sexual kinks. If you feel like you’ll be sacrificing to be with her, you probably will, and this means a lot for long-term compatibility.

Is her sexual persona too hard for you to handle, or is it a challenge you’re willing to take? Does it feel like you’ll compromise, or like you’ll sacrifice?

Pheromones are pretty powerful, too.

Here’s a fun fact you might not know: The body odor of a person you’re attracted to will smell better to you than the average person’s body odor. While there may be very few people who thoroughly enjoy the smells left behind by sex, it’s actually a scientific reality that post-sex smell with someone you’re into will smell good to you.

When we sweat, our bodies release pheromones, which work the same for us as they do for animals. These pheromones are meant to attract a partner, and go all the way back to the days when we relied on body language, rather than verbal and written language. We don’t think about them as much now, but really we should, especially since we often cover them up with colognes and perfumes.

Pay attention to how your partner smells after sex. Not their sweat, and not the “mess”, just them. Do you like it? If you do, your interest probably goes down to a biological level. This is amazing for long-term compatibility.

What do you want to do after sex?

This is bound to be different every time, but the general concept will be pretty much the same. Are they in your immediate future plans, or have you already mentally excused them? We’re not necessarily talking about spending the night (although if you don’t want her to spend the night, the chance of interest is a little lower), but for the next half-hour or so. Do you have the urge to be alone or do you want to linger in the afterglow for a bit?

As I said, this answer is probably going to change over time, and once you’ve been with your partner for a long time it can be tempted to go your separate ways when things are done. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings when they come up, though, because they can make the difference between a lasting relationship and one that fizzles out. After all, the best relationships are the ones that stay in the “honeymoon” phase – or at least return to it every now and again.

Practice paying attention after sex.

If you want your relationship to work long-term, you’ll need to carefully evaluate your after-sex feelings every time you have sex – not just the first time. Ideally, you should feel comfortable talking about these things with your partner, because she really does deserve to know, too. Make a habit of discussing not only your sex life, but your relationship as a whole. There’s something pretty magical about being mindful of things, and there’s a huge correlation between conscious communication and overall satisfaction in your relationship.

If you’re not comfortable talking to your partner after sex, you’ll need to ask yourself why. Usually, this is coming from a place of personal insecurity, rather than your partner herself. If you have identified that it is because of how your partner reacts, you probably already know the answer here: The two of you are not compatible, because your partner is not ready to be fully compatible.

This is something that most people don’t want to hear, but it’s something you need to hear. If you find yourself worried how your partner is going to react to anything you have to say, and it’s something that you personally would not react poorly to, your partner might be intentionally manipulating your relationship.

If, on the other hand, you’re concerned with something you’d say because you would react poorly to it, this is indeed a reflection of your own interests. After all, most of us have been taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. This means that you don’t do something to your partner that you wouldn’t want your partner to do to you. If you find yourself in a cycle of making decisions you’d personally disapprove of, there’s a good chance that you are the one not ready for love.

No matter what your specific results are, the way you respond to one another in this crucial time tells a great deal about the relationship as a whole, and while it takes practice and skill to reliably “read” the situation, it’s well worth the effort to learn. Not only will it help you to keep your partner satisfied, but it’ll also help you to notice when you’re not satisfied, before it gets to the point of no return. Trust me – you can thank me later!

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The Golden Rules Of Casual Sex

Being friends with benefits can be great. I’ve had some who ended up being a bigger deal than I anticipated – even joked that my snake is a love-child from a former FWB. I’ve had some who I completely forgot about until trying to recollect all the people I’ve slept with. (Usually to prove a point that there haven’t been very many, but… There are quite a few names on the list, if I’m being completely honest – and a few blank spaces whose names I honestly can’t remember.)

But staying friends with someone once the benefits aren’t there anymore is something else entirely. I’ve had a few friends who were almost something casual, and we’ve been able to laugh things off as if we never professed our undying lust for one another. (It’s easy to laugh it off when that undying lust actually does die.) I’m not so great with hookup culture, so usually if I’m involved in something casual, it’s try to prove a point… And I usually fail. Miserably.

For me, it’s easier to not let get things to the point of casual sex in the first place, but since I’m so obsessively in control of as many facets of my life as possible, there are some rules I follow to make sure that the casual fling goes without a hitch, and doesn’t make me hate the other person by the time we’re done.

1. Be honest about your intentions.

If it’s casual, you don’t need to be 100% honest about what you do for work, if you don’t want. (Although I fully support the idea of owning your job and making it worthwhile to you, I do understand that not everyone has the same blessings of fulfilling jobs as I have.) You don’t even have to tell her your real name, to be honest. But you should never lie about what you’re looking for. Hookup culture and romantic culture both have their own places, and to pretend you want one when you really want the other is manipulative and unfair.

Not only are you not likely to get what you really want, you’re also highly likely to hurt this woman’s feelings, if she thinks you want something serious and you don’t. Or, you’re likely to hurt your own feelings if you say you’re into casual and you’d rather have a wifey type. You can’t expect the other person to read your mind, so if you want your needs fulfilled (hint: we all do), speak up. Otherwise, you have no one to blame but yourself.

2. Set a deadline.

Chances are, you know how long it usually takes you to find out if you’re attached to someone. So, you should mentally schedule a “check-up” at that point, to see where things stand. If you wanted to keep things casual, but you’re starting to develop feelings, this is when you should take a step back to preserve your feelings. If you wanted something more serious, you’ll need time to evaluate if it’s going anywhere – and if it’s not, it’s best not to waste any more time.

It’s also important that you discuss this with her, too, as there is a chance that her intentions may have changed in this time, or that her time might be longer or shorter than yours. On average, it takes around a month to decide how you really feel about someone, and after that it’s a matter of cultivating things in the direction you want. This means that, after a month, you should probably be able to tell if you want to keep seeing her casually, if you want to be more committed with her, or if you want to go your separate ways and just stay friends.

3. Don’t overdo it.

If you really want to keep things casual, you can’t let your initial infatuation bring you to spend all your time with her. Any more than once a week and you’ll probably start to develop your feelings more than you wanted – which isn’t always a bad thing, but could result in creating a serious relationship that’s actually just built around sex and those warm, fuzzy after-sex feelings. If you’ve got a free week, it could be worth it to squeeze in a second encounter in a single week, but if you want things to stay casual, it can help to seek out other people too.

It makes sense that you’ll grow more attached to someone the more time you spend with them – or, conversely, you could become less attracted to them, and not even want to have sex with them anymore. Neither one of these is particularly bad, in itself, but it can definitely make a difference in your long-term plans if you were expecting to keep things casual.

4. Don’t expect monogamy.

If you want to be exclusive, that’s fine – ask for that. But that’s not what casual flings are about. You should not only be expecting her to have someone else, but you should also encourage her to see someone else – and you’ll want to do the same for yourself. It will minimize the chances of pain and attachment, as long as you’re following the same rules with all of your partners, and (naturally) being safe about things.

If you have a hard time with the idea of non-exclusive “situationships”, the casual hookup culture is probably not meant for you, and that’s okay. Personally, I find that I have a very different approach to my “real relationships” than I do with my “casual relationships”. As long as you’re with me when you’re with me, and you’re not my girlfriend, so to speak, we’re good. Once we throw a title on things, though, I won’t tolerate cheating. It’s important to understand the difference.

5. Be safe, every single time.

It should go without saying, but unfortunately, not everyone follows this rule yet. There is no 100% fool-proof way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. But, it’s generally considered okay if you are monogamous, have been tested at least six months after you started having sex with your most recent partner, and have been consistently using protection properly since then. That seems like a lot to remember, so it’s definitely safer to think of it this way.

No matter how “uncomfortable” a dental dam or condom might be, it’s not as uncomfortable as herpes, syphilis, or HIV – guaranteed.

6.  Don’t forget to communicate.

It’s absolutely possible for your feelings to change along the way, and it’s absolutely necessary for you to communicate when and if these changes happen. Again, she can’t read your mind, and – especially if she’s shy – she might be hesitant to share with you if she develops feelings of her own. If you both develop feelings, there’s really no good reason why you shouldn’t pursue those feelings. But if you’re both keeping them quiet, you’re both going to be in a really confusing place.

Often we can let ourselves believe that communication isn’t as important, because it’s not anything serious, but that’s really not the case. You should never expect another human to know what you’re not saying, and if you’re having sex with the person, it’s even more important. Don’t forget to talk about something other than sex when it’s appropriate.

7. Do not kiss and tell – seriously.

Discretion is one of the keys in a casual relationship, and while the two of you should be totally open with each other about all the “important details”, no one else needs to know what happens behind closed doors – except for your other partners. They deserve to know the basic information about who else you’re seeing. Beyond that, though, it’s nobody’s business.

Your friends can know that you’ve got a fling or two going, but they shouldn’t know her name, what she does for work, or any of that. It’s not their business. Realistically, your sexual partners don’t need to know too much about each other, either. They don’t need names, they need numbers. They don’t need any way to identify the other person (or people), just in case jealousy crops up – you don’t want to be the one who handed over the information that started a physical altercation, do you?

8. Remember that you should be friends with your FWBs.

This is probably one of the most important things: You should be friends with your friends-with-benefits. I mean, it’s right there in the name. If this is someone you can’t even stand the idea of hanging out with, wouldn’t it be better to just have a one-night-stand and be done with her? Truly, the easiest way to stay friendly with your FWBs when the benefits are gone is to put the emphasis on the friendship.

I know there are plenty of people out there who think that casual sex will ruin a friendship. I am not one of those people. Sex can only ruin a friendship if someone isn’t being honest about their feelings, or if someone takes advantage of the other’s vulnerability – neither of which is implied by casual sex. Destroy the notion that you can’t be friends with the people you sleep with! It makes the sex better anyway!

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Lesbian One Night Stands: Dos And Don’ts for Success

I think most of us would probably rather pretend that we’ve never been involved in a one-night-stand. I know for a long time I was shamed into thinking that it wasn’t ok. (P.S., it is, as long as you’re being respectful to the other person and yourself – in other words, use protection!) But there are certain casual sex etiquette rules that we might think it’s okay to overlook, since you’re never going to see this person again… Right?

Wrong. People deserve respect and human decency, even if you’re just going to get it on once and then disappear into the night. Most of these things might sound a little relationship-y, but that’s just because we’re conditioned to treat our partners with respect and our ONS’s as… Well, ONSs.

Everyone deserves respect, especially since you’re not a better person than the other half of your casual sexcapade. You’re both in the same situation, and you both should be treating each other right. You don’t have to make her breakfast or send a thank-you card, but you should be following common courtesy rules all the same.

DO: Make it clear what you want.

If you’re only after sex, make sure the other person knows you’re only after sex. If you’re looking for an actual relationship, it is possible to find one in a one-night stand, but you’ll need to be honest about your intentions. No one wants to be led on, and it’s even worse if you do it to yourself.

DON’T: Assume the other person wants what you want.

Even if you’re just in it for the sex, it’s best to check and make sure that’s all the other person wants too. There is an implication here that’s hard to ignore, but unless this other person can magically read minds (or she’s read this article, too) she might not be as open about what her intentions are. Don’t forget to check.

DO: Share the important stuff with her.

By this, of course, I mean if you’re in a relationship already. I’m not condoning the idea of cheating on your partner, by any means, but if your partner is OK with you having something extra on the side, your new partner deserves to know this, too. Not everyone is OK with this situation.

DON’T: Secretly cheat on your committed, monogamous partner.

Okay, so this isn’t specific to just one-night-stands, but if your partner doesn’t want you hooking up with someone else, don’t hook up with someone else. I don’t care what excuse you come up with. It’s never OK.

DO: Use fake names, if that’s what’s comfortable to you.

One of the biggest appeals of a ONS is that you can literally be whoever you want to be – this woman isn’t going to check. You’re not exactly held to the same “code of ethics” that you would be for a “real relationship”, so there are certain lies that are OK. Your name is one of them. Be the sexy vixen you’ve always secretly wanted to be!

DON’T: Make a big deal about it on social media.

Whether you’re having a one-night-stand because one of you isn’t out yet, or you’re just not looking for anything more than sex right now, it’s always rude to broadcast the details of your sexual encounters on Facebook or Instagram. Your friends don’t want to see it, and your sexual partner doesn’t want to be the subject of gossip.

DO: Use protection, every time.

Any time you’re having sex with someone new, you should be using proper precautions. It’s a pretty good idea to get tested after each partner, too, but keep in mind that they might not test you for everything (even if you say “test me for everything!”) and some stuff doesn’t even show up right away. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

DON’T: Take “But I don’t have anything!” as an excuse to not use protection.

Like I said above, there are potential gaps in even the most diligent sexual health histories, and you barely know this person – can you really trust that they’ve been tested for literally everything? If they care more about the sensation than your sexual health, it’s really not worth it.

DO: Communicate as equals, throughout the whole process.

Neither of you is better or worse than the other. You are both participants in this. Neither of you is allowed to shame the other, or act like you’re superior in any way. Your jobs don’t matter, your long-term goals don’t matter, literally nothing about the other person matters – treat her with respect!

DON’T: Fake it if you’re not feeling it.

You’re allowed to change your mind, at any point in time. Whether you’re just not having a good time or you’ve changed your mind about the encounter altogether, speak up! Since you’re exactly equals, neither of you has any rights to say that your “needs” for sex is more important than the other persons “needs” for satisfaction. Faking an orgasm, or even faking arousal, don’t do anything but cause extra confusion.

DO: Be honest about your sexual health.

If you know you have an STD, mention it. The other person has the right to know, since there are no 100% effective means of blocking transmission. There are ways to minimize risks, but these depend on using it correctly and knowing where your priorities should lie. There are certain STDs that should be considered a “no-go” – such as an active herpes outbreak, or even a contagious stomach bug. (I know, not technically an STD, but who doesn’t swap germs when they have sex?)

DON’T: Double-up your barrier methods.

Seriously, using two dental dams at the same time reduces the effectiveness, so you might as well not be using any. Plus, it’s widely seen as an implication that the person is “gross”, whether you actually feel that way or not, and it will definitely be viewed as a slap in the face.

DO: Pay attention to her body.

If she seems like she’s not enjoying herself, she’s probably not. Make sure you pay attention to all the little signs that tell you this person is not into it. Just because you’re enjoying yourself doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to.

DON’T: Ignore her words.

If she verbally states that she’s changing her mind, that is well within her rights, and it is rape if you continue after she has said that she doesn’t want it anymore. It might be frustrating, but masturbating is a lot better than rape, my friend – make sure you’re on the right side of things.

DO: Discuss the sleeping arrangements before you start.

Will she be spending the night (or will you, if you went to her place)? These are things you should work out ahead of time. Some people like to cuddle, even if there’s no romantic attachment. Be warned, though, that cuddling is scientifically proven to increase the bond that you may have started with orgasm.

DON’T: Feel locked-in to the conclusion you first came to.

Maybe you agreed that you’d spend the night together. Then, you either didn’t orgasm, or you found out that you two were not even remotely compatible for anything more than sex. You’re allowed to change your mind. Just because you talked about it first doesn’t mean things have to work out like that.

DO: Thank her before you leave.

It’s a little awkward to be thanking someone for sex, but think about it: They call these sexual favors. When you do a favor for someone, they should say thank you, right? Right! So thank her before you walk out the door, whether it’s that night or in the morning.

DON’T: Follow up with gifts or thank-you notes.

While a verbal thank-you is a good gesture, sending her something is weird, and it may make her feel like a prostitute. Most likely she wasn’t hooking up with you for gifts, and if she was, why would you oblige that? If you’re following “the rules”, she got just as much enjoyment out of it as you did, and you’re equals – you shouldn’t have to “pay extra”.

DO: Respect her desire for space afterward.

Remember, this was a one-night-stand, not a relationship, so she has no obligations to follow-up with dinner and a movie. If she asks and you’re actually on board, you’re free to make that date – but there is nothing that says you have to. In most cases, it’ll probably be best to go your separate ways.

DON’T: Reject the “second date” idea if you enjoyed yourself.

It doesn’t happen often, but if you find great sexual chemistry and some good talks out of this woman, why wouldn’t you want to go on an actual date with her? Your needs for instant gratification have already been dealt with, and assuming you’re both grown and single, why not see where it goes? It could be a longer-term casual fling, or she might even be the love of your life. Who knows?

Lesbian Try Dental Dams For The First Time (And The Result Are Hilarious)

When was the last time you saw or heard about a dental dam, outside of health class, visit to the dentist or The L Word?

For those not too sure what a dental dam (aka the condom for lesbians) is, well they were originally designed to protect people during dental procedures, but were re-marketed for queer women as safe-sex tool during cunnilingus.


Sadly, it was never very popular in the lesbian community, and a 2010 study actually found that less than 10% of lesbian women have ever used them, and less than 2% regularly use them.

Now according to Mashable’s Heather Dockray, the dental dam is dead.

Why you may ask, well it’s not just the construction of the dam itself that stops people from using them – it’s the (perceived) nature of lesbian sex itself.

Lesbian sex is commonly portrayed as “low-risk” sex. But “low-risk” doesn’t mean no risk ladies.

13 Roleplay Scenarios To Turn To If Your Sex Life Needs Some Help

I think we’ve all had that moment of revelation in our relationships where we realize that our sex lives aren’t what they used to be. At the start of a relationship (or at least the start of the sexual aspect), we get aroused with very little provocation.

After you’ve been together for a while, you might forget that sex actually takes some effort sometimes. While costumes and roleplaying don’t work for everyone, most people enjoy their partner playing to their fantasies.

But what if neither of you knows what your fantasy is? Here are a few of our favorites – which ones work for you?

Boss and Secretary

This is one of the most universal fantasies out there – no matter which role you personally want to be. The idea of actually having sex with your boss is pretty taboo (and could end up getting both of you fired, in some cases), but there’s no shame or risk with playing this one out with your long-term partner.

Picture the scene: Your “boss” asks you to work late – and maybe unbutton the top few buttons of your shirt. If you’ve got a desk (or otherwise suitable flat surface), this is a perfect excuse to shove all those papers to the floor and get to the real work. (Note: As a self-professed workaholic, any actual work papers are probably better neatly stacked before you’re ready to get to play time… But maybe that’s just me.)

This one is fun, because it plays on power, control, and the taboo. If you’ve got some cute professional attire (and sexy shoes, of course), this is a great time to pull them out. Just be careful not to ruin them if you actually wear these things to work – maybe buy an inexpensive button-up shirt specifically so your partner can rip it off and give your nipples some attention!

Cop and Criminal

There aren’t too many roleplaying scenarios where both people have an implied sense of power, but the cop and criminal scenario meets this qualification. The Criminal will be a total bad-ass who DGAF about being caught. Bank robber, drug dealer, whatever backstory you want. If you’re into some really weird stuff, I’ve heard some people are aroused by the idea of serial killers – it’s not my thing, but if it’s your thing, feel free to play it up.

The Cop should, of course, have a nightstick (or suitable fill-in) for spanking, and a pair of handcuffs – this is how she’ll regain control over the situation. Naturally, the power play will probably shift back and forth – will the cop turn dirty in every sense of the word? You never know until you try it!

This one might work best with some costumes, but if you’ve got a good imagination, they aren’t necessary – they’re just going to come off soon anyway! And don’t forget – the Cop should definitely frisk the criminal… And give a full cavity search. You know. Just to be sure.

Stranger and Stranger

This one works best if you can rent a motel room for the night – but that’s not a necessary step, just an added bonus. The two of you will meet up at a bar (whether it’s a real bar or just your kitchen counter is entirely up to you) and start flirting. One of you is leaving soon, never to return – this is your only chance for wild, passionate sex! But in this scenario, there’s no risk of attachment to this sexy stranger… Because her “character” can be gone as soon as you want it to be, and she can return later if the mood calls for it.

This is your chance to be a sexy, alluring persona – change your name, wear a wig, be someone else… Whatever that means for you. Maybe you already feel sexy, and that’s wonderful – but this is a chance to play with extra sensuality and confidence that you might not be able to otherwise. Give it a shot – see if your Sexy Stranger Tryst works out!

(And if it doesn’t work, at least you never have to see this stranger again… Wink wink!)

Professor and Student

If you were a teacher’s pet growing up, it’s likely that turned into a little bit of a crush at some point. Of course, it’s entirely unethical to actually sleep with one of your professors, but that doesn’t mean you can’t play around with the idea. Whether you want the Catholic schoolgirl thing, the nerdy girl thing, or even a cheerleader, this is your chance to play around with a dynamic that’s pretty sexy to most people.

This scenario is a bit weird for some, especially once you factor in the inherent weirdness of sexualizing young girls (the Catholic schoolgirl thing), but we think it’s just harmless fun as long as you’re only participating in this fantasy with your partner. Please don’t actually sexualize young girls – this is dangerous to society as a whole, because creeps will actually leer at girls in uniform as if they weren’t really girls. There’s enough sexualization that women will face as they grow up, let’s not start it before they’ve even gone through puberty.

Repairwoman and Lonely Housewife

This is one that’s been done a million times in porn: The lonely housewife calls a plumber, an electrician, or a contractor over to fix something and, in the end, ends up getting more attention than whatever the problem was. Just because it’s cliché doesn’t make it any less fun though – and it’s not hard to find a sexy worker outfit. (If you’re into the French maid fetish, this can easily be subbed in here, too.)

This is one where the costume is almost required… For one of you. You’ll be in a sexy work uniform, whether it’s intentionally sexualized or just sexualized by implication, and obviously completely irresistible to the neglected housewife who’s been home alone for far too long and simply can’t keep her eyes (or hands) off you…

Personal Trainer and Client

Picture it: You’re both in sweatpants and a sports bra (one of my personal favorite aesthetics, not even gonna lie here) and one of you is pushing the other to sweat. Obviously, if the two of you are already pretty athletic, this one is almost implied. It’s also a good excuse to wear cute tennis skirts, basketball shorts with a tank top (another “bummy” aesthetic I enjoy), or really, any type of athletic attire.

The important thing here is that the trainer is the one in charge. And, in a way, you’re “paying” her into whipping you into shape – why not combine everyone’s favorite cardio with your routine?

(If you do it right, it’s also a great excuse to work out with each other… This might be a fun way for two less-athletic women to help each other get into shape.)

Director and Actor

I’m not sure if you’re all aware of “Casting Couch” interviews, or the huge porn genre dedicated to this type of thing, but… It’s been verified that actresses (and, less often, actors) will trade sexual favors for roles that promise fame and fortune. While the actual Hollywood practice is greatly frowned upon and largely denied, that doesn’t mean that you can’t put it into a positive spin and use it in your bedroom or living room (I like living room sex… But maybe that’s just me.)

Whether you have actual aspirations for acting or just want something fun and spicy to add to your sexual routine, the Director and Actor scenario will help play on the favors exchanged in this type of situation. Maybe you mix it up and the Director gives the Actress sexual favors to get her for her movie, or maybe the Actress gives the sexual favors in order to secure her spot. Either way, this one is sure to be a hit!

Delivery Person and Hungry Host Who Lost Her Wallet

Oh no – you lost your wallet right before the pizza delivery driver showed up, and now you have no way to pay! How are you ever going to make it worth her while for driving all the way over? Easy: Give her something to eat, too! (Now that I’m reading that, it sounds a little cheesy, but isn’t all roleplaying a little cheesy?)

This one is great because it requires very little planning, and – if you actually do bring along a pizza or Chinese food or whatever take-out you choose to “play” with, you’ve got an excuse for naked dinner. Hey – it might not work for everyone, but if it works for you, make it work! (Note: You should probably not fill up on Naked Dinner until after you’ve had your fun – full stomachs are not sexy, and you’re more likely to want a nap than an orgasm.)

MILF and Sexy Babysitter

This one is great if you’re feeling a little blah about not being a nubile 18-year-old anymore. With a little imagination, you can turn yourself into anyone – even a teenager. This one also works out pretty well if one of you has a “cougar fetish” and your partner isn’t actually that much older than you. Thankfully, this one doesn’t imply a costume, either, and there isn’t much to an actual “part” required for either of you.

This one is especially helpful if you’ve fallen into a slump after having a child of your own, as it lets both of you turn your already-present “caregiver” roles into something sexy. When we start our families, it can be tough to separate yourself as parents of your child(ren) and also lovers to each other. The MILF and Babysitter scenario gives balance between the two. (But please, don’t act this one out in front of your kids.)

Masseuse and Client

This happens to be my own personal favorite with my partner, but that’s mostly because massages turn me on, and rubbing me down turns her on. Let’s be realistic here… Most people have dreamed about the “happy endings” that we hear about from massage parlors, but most places don’t actually allow their masseuses to act like that (since, technically, it’s a form of prostitution). However you feel personally about the criminalization of prostitution, the Masseuse and Client scenario lets you explore that option without any risks.

As an added bonus, it’s scientifically proven that most women respond better to sexual attention if they’re in a place of peace, and massages are a surefire way to relax. With a bit of practice, both you and your partner can learn to give great massages, and with the huge variety of oils and lotions available, there’s a never-ending list of options you can have. Personally, I have a lavender-almond massage oil that is absolutely dreamy – feel free to experiment to see what works best for you!

(Note: Most massage oils and lotions are not safe to use as lube, so manual penetration with this technique isn’t a good idea unless you have a massage oil that specifically states it can also be used as personal lubricant. Make sure you read your labels!)

Prisoner and Prisoner

I probably don’t even need to explain this one – we’ve all seen Orange is the New Black, Wentworth, Bad Girls, and this scene from The L Word, after all. While actual prison life is probably nothing like we see on TV (I don’t know anyone in a women’s prison, but I do have a brother who’s been locked up for almost 20 years), there’s just something sexy about the idea of bad girls getting it on.

It’s also another fun way to turn the boring, bummy aesthetic into something sexy – reclaim your sweat pants! No one said you’ve got to be stylish to be sexy, my friends, and women’s prison sex (and roleplays in kind) should be all the proof you need. Pull out those sweatpants and ripped tank tops – this is their time to shine.

Lesbian and Straight Girl

Most of us have had straight girl crushes before, and there’s just something so undeniably sexy about the “innocence” they represent. But, we all know how messy these crushes can be, and how frustrating it sometimes is when you have to teach someone how to seduce you. The easy answer? Hook up with your favorite woman who already loves women and just pretend that one of you is straight!

Most likely, you remember your first time, at least in a general sense, so you can easily use this innocent time to relive the fun and excitement of your first time with someone more experienced than you. If you’d rather, you can pretend that you’re both curious straight girls, and just explore each other’s bodies as if it was your first time all around. No matter which direction you take it, this one is sure to be a sexy romp.

Man and Woman

Okay, so this is one that’s personally a little weird for me, but I know there are some who are into gender play, and why not? There are no real rules in sex (aside from “make damn sure you have permission”) and nothing is off-limits between consenting adults. What’s even better is that this one is easily done with a strap-on – no further costumes necessary. Simply step in, strap in, and get to work. If you find you don’t like it, just don’t do it again – but if you do, there’s nothing to lose.

Our Disclaimer

While many of these things are considered fantasies, it’s important to realize the difference between roleplaying and actually acting out these things – and to ensure that your own desires aren’t blurring the lines any. It also should go without saying that none of these scenarios is intended to imply consent. If your partner isn’t okay with the idea of roleplaying, it’s off the table. Furthermore, you should probably not try to pursue most of these with the person who actually fills the “opposite role” – this is just a little fun for consenting adults. And don’t forget to be safe!

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Ridiculous Myths About Lesbian Sex That People Actually Believe

As lesbians (or bisexual women), we are members of a community of women who – literally – strive to know each other inside and out. We’ve got similarities and differences, no different than anyone else, and there are people who apply stereotypes to the entire community and basically “hope for the best”. This is true of everyone; we’re all subjected to unwanted assumptions about our lives.

With lesbian sex, though, these assumptions are not only unwanted, but occasionally downright offensive. How many of these have you personally helped contribute to? Do you have more to add? Drop them in the comments section!

Myth #1: Lesbian porn is a realistic representation of actual lesbian sex.

This is one of the myths that actually transcends the straight world and affects lesbians, too: The idea that lesbian sex looks exactly like it does in your favorite dirty film. Truthfully, there are some situations where people will take cues from porn and try them out in their own sexual exploits… With varying levels of success.

Realistically, though, lesbian porn usually isn’t made by, for, or even with lesbians. In some cases, the actresses may identify as bisexual, but most of the time, they’re in it for the money. (Sorry to burst your bubble!) This porn is usually targeted toward straight men, rather than queer women. What’s possibly worst of all is that they’re almost always directed by men – and only occasionally do they even have a female on the production team.

The inexperienced women who have only had lesbian porn to show them the way are likely to be disappointed with their first actual sexual experience. Most of the things that will elicit screaming moans of pleasure or riveting orgasms are done for the voyeuristic audience, rather than the women involved. This leads women to think that they should be quite aroused by these things, and they may “fake it” because – after all, that’s what you do! But it doesn’t have to be.

In conclusion, lesbian porn can give the viewer some ideas, but it’s not actually meant to be realistic.

Myth #2: All lesbians scissor.

This is another one that comes from the porn industry. Scissoring is often an aesthetically-pleasing sexual act, and when done correctly, it can feel really good. Just look at the women in the film – they’re going to be dripping wet, legs splayed all over the place, completely engrossed in the activity.

But scissoring doesn’t “work” for everyone, and it doesn’t usually result in an orgasm even if it does do the trick for you. It feels good when you get it just right, but watching porn won’t help you do it right. These women will be posed so that the audience can see all the action, but the reason it works for the women who enjoy it is because of the intimacy and touching of it all – meaning your legs aren’t going to be spread, they’re going to be intertwined.

If the idea of scissoring turns you on, I definitely encourage you to try it. Just don’t expect it to work out like it does in the films, especially if either you or your partner is on the bigger side. Truthfully, manipulating your body so that you can receive pleasure from vagina-to-vagina contact is really freakin’ hard and will require you to stretch beforehand. (Seriously – sex injuries are real and can actually put you out of commission for a long time.) More than that, not everyone even enjoys it – so if your partner doesn’t, don’t beat yourself up. It’s probably not you – it’s your unrealistic expectations about scissoring.

In conclusion, scissoring is something that some lesbians participate in, but there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like it.

Myth #3: Lesbian Bed Death is an inevitable outcome of all lesbian relationships, and doesn’t affect any other type of couple.

Think of every lesbian couple you know: Has their sex life slowed down? Of course it has – it’s gotta be the LBD rearing its ugly head yet again. Apparently, all couples go through it, and there have even been studies that showed that lesbians in long-term relationships have sex much less frequently than heterosexual couples or same-sex male couples.

The trouble with these studies is that they often don’t keep track of all the variables they probably should. For example, the average sexual experience involving a man lasts about 13 minutes, whereas the average sexual experience that doesn’t involve a man lasts for about 45 minutes. This is due to differences in anatomy, for the most part, as men in general can’t last as long or have as many orgasms in a single session as women can. Sure, there’s always foreplay, but this brings the question: Does foreplay count as sex? And if it doesn’t (because not everyone has the same definition for “sex”), are the actual counts for how often we have sex even reliable?

I think the definition of what “counts” as lesbian sex is one of the biggest variables here, because if you ask 100 different lesbians what their definition of “sex” is, you’re bound to get a few different ideas. Personally, I think it counts as sex as long as at least one of you reaches orgasm – but that’s not the only definition. That’s just my definition. Because of all these different definitions, how can you possibly quantify the different answers you get?

In conclusion, we might not have sex as often, but we have sex better… And that’s what really counts, right?

Myth #4: Lesbianism is all about sex, anyway.

This is one that’s usually perpetuated by straight men, or by bi-curious women who think that their resident lesbian friend is just like them. Add the labeling of “lesbian sex” to all those pornographic videos that are really bi-curious sex, and you’ve got a bit of confusion going on here.

The truth is, most lesbians couldn’t really care less about the sex. Sure, it’s a nice bonus that sex with a lesbian is better than sex with a man (based on the few measurable statistics here, and based on personal preferences), but very rarely is the relationship all about sex. Why, then, would the entire identity be about sex? Simple: It’s not. In fact, there are even women who identify as homoromantic-heterosexual, but not “bi” – and there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as their consenting-adult partner(s) agree.

Many (but far from all) of us will start to explore the sexual feelings as a basis for our romantic feelings, and often these two separate identities will relate to one another. That doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone, though, and there really are no right or wrong answers. But, usually, if someone’s in it just for the sex, they’ll stick with the “curious” label and that’ll be the end of it.

In conclusion, sex doesn’t play a bigger part for lesbians than it does for anyone else.

Myth #5: Lesbians are always excellent in bed.

Okay… I’ll admit that I’ve helped perpetuate this idea, too. The idea is that, as women, we have an inherent knowledge of what other women like to have done to them, and that we’ll never have those “selfish days” where we really want to get what we want without giving anything in return.

You guessed it, though: This isn’t the case. Everyone’s interests are different, so unless you and your partner are 100% compatible (which you won’t find out until you’re actually sexually active with that person), it’s all guess work. The first tip most people are given is to try doing what they like and see if their partner likes it, too – but there are no guarantees.

Aside from that, there is the fact that some women have never experienced sex with a woman or a man. These women will understandably not have the same skill level as someone who’s had a bunch of partners, or even the same skill as someone who’s had one previous partner. Sex is a learning experience not unlike any other, and while we’re usually responsive to the “common signs of arousal”, there’s still a lot of communication that goes into a great sexual encounter.

In conclusion, lesbians are only good in bed if they’ve learned how to be good in bed.

Myth #6: Lesbians want to share the sordid details of their sexual conquests with you.

It never fails: Someone (who’s not a lesbian) hears that you’re a lesbian, and your sex life becomes the topic of conversation within the first ten minutes. Whether the person is applauding you for “getting past the boy drama” or drooling over the thought of you going down on someone else, they want to hear everything about what happens in the privacy of your bedroom.

For most lesbians, though, our sex lives are not a topic of discussion. In fact, even though I write about my sex life on a fairly regular basis here, if you ask me sexual questions on any other site you find my profile on, I’ll probably not-so-politely let you know that you are being incredibly disrespectful. It might seem like a bit of hypocrisy, so let me put it another way. A doctor isn’t going to treat you for free just because you catch him outside of business hours. A bagel shop won’t give you a freebie just because you come by after they’re closed. And I’m not about to hand out details of my sex life unless I’m getting paid to do so. It’s pretty simple, actually.

From a “reasonable human being” standpoint, it’s pretty rude to invite yourself into personal parts of anyone’s life, unless that part of their life directly pertains to you. That means even if you’re dating someone, the only part of their sexual history that’s your business is their sexual health and whether they’re being monogamous or not. Really. That’s it.

In conclusion, it’s none of your business what goes on between consenting adults – unless you’re one of those consenting adults.

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Why Your Relationship Isn’t Over Just Because You Stopped Having Sex

Our sex lives are weird. It often comes in waves – usually no sex at the beginning of a relationship, and then a lot of sex when the relationship starts to “heat up”, and then back to very little sex (or even none at all) after a while. These slumps are frustrating, and they can often help tip the scales in favor of “happy” or “unhappy” in the relationship. Truthfully, though, sex isn’t quite as important as we’d like to think it is. Sure, it’s fun, and it can be a nice way to reinvest in each other after a particularly rough fight. But, it’s not everything, and here are a few reasons why.

Your relationship isn’t all about sex.

Unless your relationship is all about sex, a slump in your sex life doesn’t mean that it’s all over. All couples go through dry spells, and it doesn’t mean you love each other any less. It just means that there are more important things to worry about.

Slumps are usually temporary.

Just because you haven’t had sex in a while doesn’t mean you’ll never have sex with her again. There are a million reasons why a couple can stop (or slow down) the sexual aspect of their relationship, and it’s very rarely cause for concern.

You can “fix” your sex life.

Believe it or not, even if the two of you haven’t had sex in a really, really long time, you can usually bring it back, when the time is right. Focus on getting rid of the stress in your life first – this is actually one of the most common reasons for a sexual slump, and even though sex is a great stress reliever, there comes a point where you can’t bring yourself to want sex when you’re too focused on other things. A sensual massage can be a great way to turn “off” her stress and inhibitions while simultaneously turning “on” her body’s responsiveness to your touch.

Most people don’t build their entire lives around sex.

No matter what the movies, or your ex-girlfriends, might have led you to believe – sex is an afterthought for most people, most of the time. Sure, there are some times when it seems like the most important thing – especially if you’re not getting any – but that’s simply not true. I’d rather be respected in a sexless relationship than have a million orgasms in a relationship where I don’t feel valued – what about you?

Having less sex actually makes the sex feel better.

My generation has become far too accustomed to getting things right when they want them. It’s great – except that you actually enjoy things more if you have to wait for them. If you got laid every time you wanted to, it would probably all seem pretty average after a while, even if your partner is the best lover you’ve ever had. (Not that I’m talking from personal experience here… Ahem.) Some people actually force sex slumps in their relationships for this exact reason, and while I don’t recommend that, either, it’s good to know that waiting will make it better.

A lack of sex doesn’t mean a lack of attraction.

We can be attracted to a million different people in our lives, and only have sex with a handful of them. Does this mean we weren’t attracted to the other 999,987 (or whatever the actual numbers are)? No – it just means that having sex with them wasn’t our primary goal. We might forget this when in the confines of a relationship, but it’s just as true with your girlfriend as it is for your celebrity crush.

A lack of sex doesn’t mean a lack of love.

Over time, our love for our partner will change into something else. This isn’t always a bad thing. Just because the two of you aren’t having sex doesn’t mean that you’re doomed. It just means that the love is more of a family love right now – and that’s perfectly okay.

There are more important issues.

Does your partner tell (and show) you that she loves you? Does she let you know how important you are to her? These things are infinitely more important than orgasms, and even though there are numerous health benefits to having regular sex, that doesn’t mean that not having sex is unhealthy.

Most likely, the sex will come back.

As long as the other important parts of the relationship are still there – love, trust, respect, and loyalty – you’ll probably have sex again. It might not even take as long as you think it will. (Keep an eye out for helpful tips to bring it back quicker – but try not to build the rest of your relationship around the sex you’re not having right now.)

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FYI, Plenty Of Your Straight Friends Are Engaged In Sapphic Sex

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has revealed that a fairly large percentage of people who identify as straight have had sex with someone of the same gender.

The study used data from the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth, which polled 9,175 people between the ages of 18 and 44 across the US.

Researchers found that of people who identified as straight, 12.6% of women and 2.8% of men had engaged in some form of ‘same-sex sexual contact’.

Which doesn’t sound like much, but if you think like this then of your ten straight female friends, one of them has probably had sex with another woman – which actually sounds quite plausible.

The study also found that people who identified as gay or bisexual had experienced hetero-sex – possibly because they experimented before coming out.

So basically, we’re all (to some degree) sexual fluid, and it’s good to try new things.

So, here’s to all the bi-curious straight girls out there. Yeah!

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The Art of Talking Dirty (Without Being Super Awkward)

For the longest time, I talked like such a prude. Dirty words were strictly forbidden – I’d ignore or block anyone who used them toward me, and I absolutely would never use them myself.

Until I got with a woman who made me talk dirty.

For a while, it felt pretty awkward. I wasn’t used to using those words out loud, and they felt unnatural coming out of my mouth. Thankfully, those awkward feelings do melt away after a while, but it takes a bit of effort to make that happen.

Curious how to start talking dirty without making a total ass out of yourself? I’ve been there – and this is what I learned.

Don’t force it.

Confidence is one of the sexiest things you can wear – so if you’re really not comfortable using those words, don’t. It should come naturally, at least to an extent. You might have to push it out, but your partner will definitely be able to tell if you’re saying what’s secretly on your mind, or if you’re making stuff up because you think she wants to hear it. Most women won’t like the second option, because you’ll both feel really awkward.

Start in the bedroom first.

You know how I found out about my dirty-talking skills (and my partner’s dirty-talking fetish)? I let the words come out of my mouth while I was getting some. It really is easier then – just temporarily remove your symbolic “verbal filter” for a while and say what’s on your mind. You want her to go harder, or softer, or in a different direction? It’ll make your sex life better if you tell her, and she’ll probably enjoy hearing it, too.


It’s going to be awkward at first. It’s inevitable. But if you stop just because it’s a little awkward, it’s always going to be awkward. I still do my best dirty talking when we’re face-to-crotch, but you have to push your boundaries a little if you want it to get easier. Most people aren’t good at anything right away. How many times did it take you to walk more than two steps without falling? You should expect a similar pattern for your dirty talking, too.

Think hard about what you really want.

Like I said before, it’s easier to talk dirty if you’re just removing your verbal filter. Eventually, you’ll be able to say the things she wants you to say – but for now, focus on the things you want. Most women are pretty responsive to something their partner wants in bed, and being able to ask directly will pretty much ensure you get the best sex possible, every time.

Baby steps.

So you’ve had your first successful mid-sex conversation – that’s great! But it’s probably not time to take the next step yet. Take it slow, and don’t try to rush yourself into doing more than you’re comfortable with. Once you’re 100% comfortable with a certain step, then step it up and take it further. (In my experience, the step after “bedroom sexy talk” was “text message sexy talk”, but that might be different for you.) If you’re really uncomfortable with a step you tried to take, try dialing it back down for a little while. There’s no rush to be the best.

Read romance novels.

It sounds so cheesy, but you really can learn some good dirty talk from lesbian romance novels. Not all of them, of course – you want to avoid the “flowery” ones (the ones where you feel like the author was blushing the whole time they were writing it). And just because something sounds good in a book doesn’t mean it’ll sound good in real life, so make sure you’re only picking up the cues that pertain to you.

Give yourself credit.

One of the biggest confidence-blockers is the belief that you need to get it right, and quickly. This is not the case, and other than being a generally good person, nothing really comes naturally. If you want to learn, you have to give yourself permission to get it wrong, too. Be patient with yourself, and remind your partner to be patient with you, too (if necessary). Trust me – the awkwardness will work itself out in time.

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11 Signs You Should Try Having Sex With A Woman

I’m of the mindset that everyone should give everything a try in life. That doesn’t mean that I’ve accepted every opportunity that’s ever come my way, because I do have personal limits (and you should, too). But, truly, if you haven’t tried something, how can you really know whether you like it or not?

When it comes to our sexual expression, most people do a bit of experimentation to find out what they like most. I think as women we’re given a little more “freedom” to explore these things than men are – it’s more socially acceptable sexualized for us.

And whether we identify as straight, bi, or gay in the end, it’s usually assumed that we’ve tried on a few labels already. Whether those assumptions are necessarily true or not, I’m assuming that you landed here because you’re thinking about those thoughts.

If you’re questioning if you really should give sex with a woman a shot, ask yourself the following questions. There are no right or wrong answers – just whatever’s right for you.

1. Do you want to be her or do you want to be under her?

As women we’re often conditioned to be a bit competitive with one another. This can make it difficult to tell the difference between idolizing someone and lusting after them. (The same can be true for resentment, too – have you ever wondered if you really disliked another woman or if you secretly envied her? It’s society, man. It’s breaking us all.)

Even if you do end up identifying as a lesbian or bisexual, it can be a really thin line between I want her life and I want to be in her life. I have accidentally dated women because I was jealous of them (without realizing the difference) and, let me tell you, that is not a fun situation.

2. Do you wonder what it would be like to date a woman?

Most people mentally play with the possibility of dating their non-preferred-gender from time to time. It’s a completely normal part of the human experience, and probably explains why so many people experiment with their sexuality and still end up identifying as straight in the end. It’s normal and natural, no matter what outcome you find.

Of course, if you feel like you’re wondering more than the average woman, your curiosity is going to keep popping up until you find out what it means for you. The easiest way to do that is to give it a shot. Just be honest about your intentions – no one wants to fall in love under false pretenses, so if you’re looking for an experiment, don’t say you’re looking for a girlfriend, please.

3. Have you ever kissed your female friends?

This, of course, isn’t a tell-tale sign. You can enjoy kissing girls and not enjoy sleeping with them. Likewise, you could be one of the weirdos like me who doesn’t particularly care for kissing, but really cares for sex. There is often a connection, though, and if you’ve kissed your friends and liked it, you might be into having sex with women, too.

Just like with question #2, though, you should be honest with the person you’re experimenting with. Falling for someone who was basically “just practicing” is really painful. Sure, we shouldn’t assume that every sexual encounter means it’ll be a long-term relationship, but it’s nice to give someone the risks upfront.

4. Do you have “girl crushes”?

This is another grey area, too. Since the line between a crush and an idol is so freaking thin, we often write our woman-crushes off as “just a crush”. But if the feelings don’t seem to subside, or you find yourself tempted to act on them, what’s stopping you from looking into it?

Be warned that your exploration of this crush doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about your sexuality, either. I have an ex who used to be a best friend – until I misunderstood a crush. Closeness doesn’t always equal attraction, and you might have to learn that the hard way. Don’t worry – you’ll get over this woman faster than you think you will.

5. Are you bored of heterosexual sex?

If you feel unfulfilled after sex with a male partner, this might mean you’re into females. Of course, it’s just as likely that it means the partners you’re choosing aren’t paying enough attention to you sexually – but one of the perks of this is that, females typically pay closer attention to the erogenous zones. You’re welcome.

It is important to realize that enjoying lesbian sex doesn’t always mean you’re a lesbian – just as enjoying sex with a man doesn’t necessarily mean you’re straight. Sex itself is such a small portion of sexuality – which sounds so weird to say, but really, your identity is complicated – don’t limit it to just one label if the label doesn’t quite fit.

6. Is lesbian sex a fetish or fantasy of yours?

Guess what – even if it’s fetishized in your mind, you’ve got sufficient reason to explore it. Just like all the other curious signs above, though, it’s your responsibility to be honest with your partner, and let them know if they want to fill the role you’re casting them for.

Is it one girl in particular you’re pining over, or girls in general? This doesn’t necessarily make a difference, but it might – so pay attention to your thoughts. If you find that you’re drawn to just one woman, and it’s reasonable to pursue her, that might be the best place to start, but make sure she knows the situation going in.

7. Are you drawn toward female celebrities?

If you watch a lot of movies and find yourself being consistently drawn to the female lead, especially if she’s got queer subtext, you might be interested in women. (And if you specifically look for queer subtext for the female leads, it’s almost certain.) If it only happens with certain movies, where your favorite actress plays the lead, it might mean something else, but… I can’t say for sure, because the only male character I ever really prioritize is Johnny Depp.

In terms of musicians, it’s a little different. I don’t think it makes a bit of difference what type of music you listen to, and whether it’s done by a man or a woman. But if you find yourself “gaying up” songs when you sing along; that is, using female pronouns in the romantic or sexy songs… Maybe your mind is trying to tell you something. Maybe.

8. Does your gaze linger a bit?

Do you find reasons to look at nude female bodies? Whether you’re into lesbian porn, or female nude art exhibits, or gratuitous sexualization in movies and TV shows (female superheroes, I’m talking to you), you find yourself looking for just a bit longer than you do when it’s a male body. This could be just respect of the female form, except that it turns you on. A lot.

Before I was ready to come out, I told myself that it didn’t mean I was gay – after all, everyone looks. And everyone can agree that women look better naked than men do. Right? But, to paraphrase the intervention in But I’m a Cheerleader!, you only think they’re thinking the same thing you are when they look. If you’re turned on, it’s worth looking into.

9. What sort of orgasm do you look for in sex scenes?

When you’re watching a pornographic movie (or reading erotica – whatever does it for you), who are you paying more attention to? The porn you watch doesn’t exactly tell what your sexual preference is, but it can give a little insight. If you’re watching porn and rooting for the girl, so to speak, you might be interested in women. It could also mean that you’re feeling a little neglected in your own sex life, though.

The same goes for watching lesbian porn, although I think the indicator is which girl you want to be when you’re watching it. If you find yourself wanting to emulate the receiver, it might just be a case of sexual frustration. But if you find yourself wanting to be the one giving pleasure, you probably should try it. (Both women should try it, though. Just to be sure.)

10. Does lesbian romance make you happy?

We’ve already said that love and sex aren’t mutually exclusive concepts, but there are usually some overlaps. If you find yourself sympathizing with the queer subplot that we’ve already found out you look for, possibly more than the heterosexual main plot – or, gasp! If you actually seek out queer movies – you might be a little interested in women.

Or, you might just be an ally. Trust me, we love our straight friends, too. But there’s probably a connection if the gay stuff ranks higher than the straight stuff. It’s worth exploring those thoughts to see what they really mean for you.

11. Have you questioned it?

Really, this should be your first indication here. If you’ve thought about it, you should check it out. Worst case scenario, you find out that it’s not for you – and there’s nothing wrong with that! It is literally impossible to know how you’ll handle a situation you’ve never been in before, and it’s pretty hard to know how you’ll handle it the second time. Generally speaking, we don’t know ourselves as well as we’d like to.

It doesn’t really matter why you questioned it, either, but the fact that you did question it means it’s something you wonder about. Nothing is going to answer your questions until you give it a chance. Thankfully, our society is becoming much more accepting of experimentation, and a little more accepting of the idea that what you do as a consenting adult is nobody else’s business. If you’re wondering if you should have sex with a woman, you should. That inner voice probably isn’t talking to itself, you know.

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STDs You Could Have (And Not Even Know)

No one really likes to think of STDs. Safe sex just seems so boring, and there are people who think that getting tested means you’re promiscuous. The truth is that regular STD testing is super important, even if you’re monogamous, but participate in other “risky” behaviors. Aside from that, the idea that promiscuity puts you more at risk than someone who’s only had sex with one or two partners is ridiculous, too – it’s not the number of sexual partners that makes a difference, but whether you’re being careful enough.

Most people know the usual “warning signs” of a sexually transmitted disease, as well as the basic precautionary measures – whether we actively practice safer sex or not. But there could be diseases and infections that don’t show symptoms, that can still be passed onto someone else.

More than just that, your doctor probably isn’t actually checking for everything, even if you say check me for everything. Often, certain diseases aren’t tested for unless specifically requested. These are things that are less common, but that doesn’t make them any less serious. When in doubt, ask your doctor – he or she will help you to make a more informed decision.

Even if you don’t show any symptoms, there are a few diseases you should always ask to be checked for anyway.


Most people who have chlamydia don’t show any symptoms, and the symptoms that are present often go unnoticed. If you haven’t been checked in a while, it’s a good idea to ask.


For women, gonorrhea usually manifests without any symptoms, or as a sore throat (if it’s passed on through oral sex). Best to get a check-up, as both gonorrhea and chlamydia can lead to fertility problems in the future!


It seems like this would be the one you definitely know you have, right? But because of the similarities in appearance between herpes, acne, and ingrown hairs, they’re often confused. Get checked every now and then.


HPV (or human papillomavirus) often starts off with little to no symptoms. However, it can turn into cervical cancer if it’s not caught early enough, so make sure you’re getting tested.


Unlike the other diseases on this list, syphilis is almost always foretold by sores. These might not actually be painful, though, so you might not think to get it checked out. If you’re worried, it’s better to be safe than sorry.


Often goes without symptoms. If left untreated, it may develop into a urinary tract infection. If this is the first sign of the problem, there’s already a problem – get tested!

Genital warts

It can take up to six months for contact with genital warts to produce any new warts. If there is any question whether you had contact with genital warts, get checked – it could save you a lot of trouble in the future!


Here’s a scary one – the symptoms of HIV often don’t show up for days or even weeks, at which point they’re often mistaken for the flu. Even scarier, you can show false negatives for as long as six months after contact, which makes regular testing before having sex with any new partner super important.

Hepatitis B

It can take months for Hepatitis B symptoms to pop up, but that doesn’t make you any less contagious.


Chancroids (or genital sores) are often less painful in women, and often get overlooked because of this. You might not even notice them, especially if you’re used to shaving irritation.


The symptoms of scabies can take as long to six weeks to appear, and aren’t limited to sexual activities – you can get scabies from tall grass or hotel mattresses, too. The symptoms are often mistaken for skin contact allergies, or dermatitis, so doctors will want to check for “tunnels” in order to make a diagnosis.

Pubic Lice

If your pubes are particularly itchy, it might not be a rash, but pubic lice – which you’ll need a magnifying glass to see. Since most people don’t check their vaginas with a magnifying glass often, it’s best to get tested, just to make sure you’re not harboring any little critters.

Sex Slang Every Lesbians Needs To Know

Sex slang is a bit of an amusing topic to me. It’s changed so much over the years that there’s really no indication of how long a particular term will last. In the age of technology, language changes even faster – and, as a writer, it gets a bit confusing sometimes.

I read somewhere the other day that, “If you can’t come right out and say it, you’re too young to be having sex.”

This was in reference to a novice writer’s tendency to use overly-flowery words to describe sexual body parts and activities, but is it really so weird to apply that to everything?

I’m a bit divided on the subject, myself. For a long time, I refused to talk dirty, and now I’m one of the dirtiest talkers I personally know of. (Of course, I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, but none of my friends give other people sex advice, so…)

No matter how you feel about dirty words, there are always new ones to learn. Interested in brushing up with the modern lingo?


This is when a surprise quickie interferes with your ability to meet your commitments. (Sometimes, It’s something that should have been a quickie, but turns into an all-day affair. That happens too.)

Basically, if you’re running late because of sex, you’ve been postboned.

Use it in a sentence: “My girlfriend surprised me with a new toy this morning, so I was postboned and ended up missing my first class.”

Daisy Chain

OK, so this one isn’t exactly new, but apparently it’s coming back now, and I can get on board with that. The daisy chain refers to a group sex position where a line of people are giving and receiving pleasure. It could be a complete circle, or the person at the ends might not be stimulating each other. It’s an interesting thing to think about, but I don’t think it’s really for me.

Use it in a sentence:Daisy Chains are like multi-player 69. Cool.”

Hotline Bling

Coined (and subsequently popularized throughout an entire generation) by Drake, this is our new way to say “make a booty call”. It’s a lot shorter, honestly, and it makes a little sense – although I’m not sure I’m keen on the whole “calling it a hotline” idea. That sends the wrong message, I think.

Use it in a sentence: “I hotline blinged that girl I met in the bar last week… Turns out she’s not into casual sex. Good for her!”

Side Chick

A mistress who is fully aware of the situation, and knows that the “main chick” isn’t. Generally frowned upon, but it seems to happen a lot in our community. Note: If the woman doesn’t know that she’s the side chick, she’s not a side chick – she’s being cheated on, too.

Use it in a sentence: “Kelly’s girlfriend is going to be so hurt when she finds out about her side chick.”

Having a Boxed Lunch

First let me say that I am totally on board with this one and would like to start implementing it on a more regular basis. Having a boxed lunch refers to a multi-layered pun about ‘eating’ a vagina. Or her ‘box’. I like puns, and a pun that puts two sex euphemisms together? Yes, please.

Use it in a sentence: “Now that my girlfriend has returned from her trip, I look forward to having a boxed lunch tonight.”

Netflix and Chill

This is one that pretty much everyone has heard, although there are disagreements about what it really means. If someone asks you over for Netflix and Chill, they either mean binge-watching every episode of a show, or they mean having sex ten minutes into a movie that neither of you cares about. It’s best if you clarify which one they mean before you take your pants off.

Use it in a sentence: “The new season of OITNB just came out. Wanna Netflix and Chill?”


Have you ever slept with someone because they looked pretty similar to your celebrity crush? Fun fact, I used to date a girl who sort of looked like Drew Barrymore. I mean, not because she looked like Drew Barrymore, but she even had that voice. It was a little trippy. Anyway, when you have sex with someone because they look like someone else you’d rather be having sex with, we call that a dopplebanger.

Use it in a sentence: “I’m not usually one for dopplebangers, but I’m telling you, she looked just like Emma Stone. How could I not?”


This term is used to describe unshaved, untrimmed, unruly pubic hair. While it’s a pretty funny word (and 100% why I included it on this list), let’s try to remember that someone’s pubic hair is entirely their personal preference – if a woman wants to rock the sascrotch, she totally can.

Use it in a sentence: “I haven’t trimmed since Valentine’s Day – I’ve got some major sascrotch going on.”


While this sounds pretty close to intercourse, the definition is a bit different (unless texted by someone who doesn’t know how to properly spell intercourse). Intercoarse refers to really rough penetrative sex – the type you kinda regret a little afterward, but kinda not ‘cause it felt pretty good when it was happening.

Use it in a sentence: “Last night I accidentally sprained my ankle while having intercoarse. Totally worth it, though.”


Have you ever been trying to watch porn, and then stuff starts buffering right when you’re about to get there? One of the most frustrating experiences – waiting for the Wi-Fi to get strong again so you can just finish already. Ah… Masturwaiting.

Use it in a sentence: “Turns out you can’t use Wi-Fi while camping… Guess I’ll have to masturwait tonight.”

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What Lesbian And Bisexual Women Need To Know About Sexual Health

Unfortunately, despite many schools having good sexual health education, these lessons are far from comprehensive and very often ignore the sexual health of (cis) women who sleep with other (cis) women.

Left to learn about sexual health on their own, naturally, there may be some things that are unclear, unknown or overlooked, so, with this post, we list some incredibly important things that lesbian and bisexual women need to know about sexual health.

1. Lesbian and Bi Women Are Not Immune from STIs

One common misconception is that lesbian and bisexual women cannot get STIs (sexually transmitted infections) through sleeping with women. However, although the risk is significantly lower than for women who sleep with men, STI transmission is entirely possible. This can occur with sexual acts that involve any skin to skin contact, contact with bodily fluids, or the sharing of sex toys – regardless of the gender/sex of the people involved.

2. Few Lesbian and Bi Women Use Dental Dams

Perhaps it’s because of this misconception (that women who sleep with other women cannot contract STIs) that the use of dental dams (a latex square that can prevent the transmission of STIs during oral sex) is incredibly low. In an interview with BuzzFeed, sex therapist Dr. Madeleine M. Castellanos revealed that “less than 10% of women use them at all, with only a fraction of them using dams regularly”.

3. Condoms Can Be Turned Into Dental Dams

For those who do want to use dental dams to keep themselves protected during oral sex, then in then absence of an actual dental dam, condoms can be turned into dental dams instead. Details of how to to turn a condom into a dental dam can be found on the Sexuality and U website.

4. Many Bisexual Women Don’t Tell Their Doctors Their Sexuality

According to a Scottish Equality Network survey of 513 bisexual people in the UK, 28% of those surveyed said that they would never feel comfortable informing their doctors of their sexuality and 66% felt pressure to pass as straight. A further 42% of people passed as gay or lesbian to their doctors instead of bisexual.

Although this is understandable, it is often quite important for doctors to know a patients sexuality in order to make accurate treatment suggestions and diagnoses.

5. Lesbian and Bi Women Should Still Get Tested (Even in Monogamous Relationships)

As noted by Amplify, women who are in a monogamous relationship with one another shouldn’t suddenly stop practicing safe sex – even if they’ve been tested. As it can take between three and six months for HIV results to come back positive, it’s advised that you go back and get tested again six months into the relationships.

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The World Is Officially Doomed: Researchers Conclude Cunnilingus Increases Your Chances Of Developing Cancer

Regularly performing oral sex reportedly increases the likelihood of contracting several types of cancer by way of a common virus.

According to new reports, oral sex has been linked with human papillomavirus (HPV), which typically causes no harm.

However, in rare instances, HPV can lead to cancer due to the changes it triggers in infected cells.

Found in the penis, vagina, mouth and anus, the extremely common virus spreads by skin-to-skin contact in addition to sexual intercourse.

Oral sex is believed to be the primary way HPV enters the mouth.

In a recent study conducted at New York’s Albert Einstein College of Medicine, researchers collected mouthwash samples from nearly 97,000 healthy people.

After four years, they found participants who were carrying HPV in their mouths were up to 22 times more likely to develop a tumour than those without HPV.

Researchers linked HPV to head and neck cancers, which were contracted by 132 participants.

Dr. Ilir Agalliu of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine reportedly said,

This study also showed using easily collected oral samples may help in predicting people’s risk for developing head and neck cancers.

Men and gay women are apparently have a higher chance of developing throat cancer because diseases are more easily contracted via cunnilingus as opposed to fellatio.

Be sure to read: Lesbian Safe Sex: How Much Do You Know?

Previous research also suggested smoking and drinking may increase the risk of HPV transmission.

Mouth and throat cancers reportedly affect approximately half a million people per year and kill about 150,000.

The Albert Einstein College of Medicine study was originally published in JAMA Oncology.

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According To New Research, Unprotected Oral Sex ‘To Overtake Smoking’ As The Main Cause Of Mouth Cancer

According to online health clinic Euroclinix, an infection transferred during oral sex could overtake smoking as the main cause of mouth cancer.

While smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and chewing tobacco were once the primary risk factors for mouth cancer, recent years have seen an increase in cases caused by HPV, or the human papillomavirus.

HPV can be contracted through unprotected genital, anal or oral sex and affects the skin around the mouth, rectum, cervix and throat.


Shockingly, the HPV virus now accounts for 25% of all mouth cancers globally and 35% of throat cancers.

This compares to only two thirds attributed to smoking – though it is difficult to quantify the effect precisely, due to the testing methods available and the other risk factors involved.

As outlined by the NHS, detecting HPV cells in a patient with oral cancer does not mean HPV caused the cancer.

The virus becomes part of the genetic material of the cancer cells, triggering their growth.

Though the claim that somehow HPV will overtake smoking as the main cause is questioned by some. There are hundreds of HPV strains, most of which do not lead to cancer, but there are around 15 strains which are associated with cancer.

Talking to Metro.co.uk, Fiona Osgun, Cancer Research UK’s health information officer said

Smoking is linked to about 65 per cent of mouth cancers in the UK, whereas only 8 to 14 per cent of cases are thought to be linked to HPV. Around 90 per cent of mouth cancer cases are preventable – things like staying smokefree, cutting down on alcohol and making sure you get your 5-a-day can all help reduce the risk.”

And, according to Euroclinix data, the number of men and women contracting HPV is increasing.

To help prevent contracting HPV during oral sex, the NHS advises women to place a latex square or dental dam over their genitals.

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Lesbian Safe Sex: Why You Should and Must Care

Lesbian Safe Sex: Why You Should and Must Care – It’s a tricky truth that not a lot of us are prepared to grapple with: too many lesbians are blasé about safe sex. While as a community they are typically at low risk of HIV infection, lesbians are just as vulnerable to certain other STDs as any other women.

So what is ‘safe sex’ as it applies to lesbians? It’s mostly about doing everything you can to reduce the risk of STI infection. Lesbians should make sure that infected fluids, such as vaginal fluids or blood, don’t intrude into their bodies during sex.

Precautions include using a new condom for each partner and not sharing sex toys. Touching, hugging, massage and masturbation are thought to be lower-risk activities. That being said, crabs and herpes can be passed on through mere skin contact.

Make sure you get yourself tested regularly and demand as much from your partner. While she is at low risk from contracting an STD from another woman, she may well have caught something from a man. According to a recent study, 85% of women who have sexual relations with women reported also sleeping with men.

Some people – lesbians included – use drugs intravenously and are therefore at risk of STDs such as AIDS.  Other research has shown that injecting higher incidence of HIV among women who have sexual intercourse with women, as compared to heterosexual drug users.

Lesbians should also be cautious about using sperm donors lest they end up being infected in that way.

There isn’t typically a high risk of catching HIV through oral sex but you are more susceptible if your partner has sores or cuts in her mouth or if your partner is having her period or has sores on her genitals. Best to use a ‘dental dam’ (a piece of cling-film or latex) to prevent menstrual blood or vaginal fluid getting into your mouth.

Lesbian Safe Sex; a MUST and Here Are Our 10 Top Tips

Safe Sex is a MUST whether a lesbian, gay man, or heterosexual. We all need to be conscious, so read, take it in and lesbians start practicing safer sex

  1. Remember, just because you’re not having sex with men… doesn’t mean you’re not having sex with men? Some women who identify as gay or bisexual have also had sex with men at some point. So, if you or your partner have had sex unprotected sex with a man your at risk for certain STDs.
  2. Dental dams do exist. The attitude towards these mythical sheets of latex seems to be ‘No one actually uses them’. However, if you’re looking to perform oral without actually exchanging bodily fluids then should be. And FYI, they come in flavoured varieties.
  3. Nail maintenance should never be underestimated. It’s not only a courtesy for your partner; it’s a safety issue. Any sexual activity that can lead to bleeding or cuts in the lining of vagina increases your risk, so keeping your nails trimmed will help avoid any unwanted accidents. Also make sure your hands are clean; wash them before, after and sexy.
  4. When it’s ‘that’ time of the month keep things in prospective. This is because diseases like HIV are passed through contact with blood. If both you and your partner are tested and in the clear, there is no need to worry.
  5. Toy etiquette. If you use sex toys or vibrators clean them thoroughly before sharing. Alternatively, use a condom or don’t share sex toys at all.
  6. Always be vigilant. Sexual health isn’t just about when you’re getting it on. You should always know what’s up, down there. You know your body, and you know when things are not “normal”, so if in doubt book yourself in with your doctor.
  7. Regular check-ups. The gynaecologist’s office can be a daunting place for all women, but it can be all the more daunting for gay and bisexual ladies. Especially since the usual arsenal of questions are based around heterosexual sex. However, you should have no fear. Remember, an open conversation will bring your doctor up to speed and let them know your history, avoiding these awkward questions next time around.
  8. When in doubt – get tested. The only way for you to know where you stand is to simply get tested.
  9. Honesty is always the best protection. So have a frank and open conversation with your partner. Even when it’s awkward/scary/weird – you’ll be happy you did.
  10. And last, but not least – take it seriously. Lesbian safer sex is not an oxymoron, sexual health is important for everyone, regardless of your age, gender, or orientation.