We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do We Reconnect?

Hi Kitsch Mix,

I have been in a relationship with a great woman now for almost two years – but for the last 18 months, she has been incarcerated. We had a wonderful relationship before this came about. The incarceration was the result of something from her past (years before we met) that finally caught up with her and she had to make right. When it all first started, it was a whirlwind of “what ifs” and not knowing how long this would actually drag out. I stuck by her side and was the supportive girlfriend, sending letters, books, funding phone calls, visiting, etc. Then my own life got hectic and I couldn’t commit myself to the demands she needed while she was trying to cope in prison. We didn’t talk for a few months, then we reconciled and things have been somewhat good, but not the same. She will be coming home very soon, and is very excited to start our life together and pretty much pick up where we left off.

The thing is, I feel like I don’t really know her anymore. I have my life and my schedule and can’t imagine her jumping into the picture like nothing has changed. She is going to be struggling to find work, a place to live (she keeps hinting at moving in with me), and I am not in a place to support her either. I feel like we need to get to know each other again, date again, and see if we want to continue this commitment. I pretty much put my life on hold for her in the beginning, then realized that I needed to live my life and not wait around for her to get through this. I don’t want to hurt her, but she seems to think that everything will be great and back to normal right off the bat. I am scared, nervous, and not ready to open my life up to her again like nothing has changed.

I am not sure how to approach this with her, but the clock is ticking, and sooner than later I will see her face to face again. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Well, reader, this is probably a pretty obvious answer here: You will need to explain to her that it’s not going to pick up right where you left off. I have never been romantically involved with someone who was incarcerated, but I do have a brother who has been in prison since I was almost 8 years old. (I’m 25 now.) I actually recently sent him something similar to what you will need to tell your girlfriend; allow me to paraphrase what I said to him. (This was a few weeks ago, so my memory is not exact, and of course the situation is not exactly the same, either.) With some minor adjustments, you can fix it to better suit your specific situation.

Dear Girlfriend’s Name,

I am excited for your release – but I feel that we do not know each other as well as we used to. I would like to get to know you again, but this situation has definitely had an impact on the nature of our relationship as it stands.

When you get out, I would like to start off at the beginning. Of course, it won’t be exactly square one, as I cherish the memories I have with you, but a lot has changed in the time that has passed. I am honored that you would like to pick up where we left off but unfortunately that is not entirely practical.

I would like to help you out how I can, but I am not currently in a position to support you financially. I will support you emotionally as best I can and I am interested in starting a new relationship with you – separate from the one we previously had. I hope you understand that this has not been easy on me. I know it has not been easy on you, either, and together I think we may eventually reach the point where it “never happened”. I wish I was ready for that now, but I’m not.

When you get out, I would like to begin by taking you out on a few dates. I will help you to find a job if I’m able – I would love to see you successful, and I think that it would be most helpful if I assist you, rather than working out all the details for you.

If you are willing to give this a chance with me, I would love to reintroduce myself – please do the same when you get out. I am still here for you and I still care for you; I’m not going anywhere. I value what we had, and I know you are capable of great things. I am proud of you for taking care of what you needed to, and soon it will be time to take care of the rest. I know you can do it.

As I mentioned previously, the specifics will depend on you, but this can serve as a basic outline of what to say to her. I’m not sure whether it would be better to send this in a letter, discuss over a phone call, or wait until you can be face to face, but you definitely need to discuss these things.

In case you don’t want to use my script (it’s not the greatest script – girlfriends are much different than brothers!) here is a brief summary of the points to make:

• Tell her you are proud of her for taking care of her commitments.
• Encourage her to be proactive about her new freedom.
• Reassure her that you still care, but you must start slowly.
• Make it clear that you cannot support her financially, but that you will support her emotionally.
• Acknowledge that her own situation is not going to be easy, and that your life was not put on hold just because she was locked up.

I would love to know how this turns out for you, as well as how the relationship progresses after her release. Incarceration is a very tricky subject and I’m happy for both of you that your girlfriend’s sentence was not as long as my brother’s. This can be helpful to both of you, and will quite possibly make the “reintroduction process” take far less time than it did the first time around. Take care, and thank you for reaching out to us – don’t hesitate to contact us again once you have moved forward!

[interaction id=”5605774c74a791dd4b03378f”]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I Can’t Figure My BFF out? Does She Like Me Or What?

Dear KitschMix,

So I have a best friend who is also a lesbian like me. In the past she has said that she was in love with me, twice she said that and I said it back. But we never actually got into a real serious relationship. She’s been out with other women, and so have I. And every time she’s with someone I’m always happy for her even know deep down it hurts. However, when I was with someone she’d always get really annoyed and find something wrong with the person I liked or was with at the time.

And anytime I would want to get into a relationship at all with anyone she’d say how I should stay single for a bit and not to rush things even though that’s pretty much her talking about herself.

She randomly talks about how she wants to have sex with me, or has masturbated to the thought of me.

Anytime she finds a girl she likes she literally shoves it down my throat that they’re perfect (and whatnot) and won’t shut up about them.

She’ll say exactly this to me, “oh my god she’s honestly the hottest thing alive, I’d love to screw her ugh I wanna do such bad things to her” and that’s basically her 24/7 and when I don’t respond to her texts or phone calls she’ll keep texting and calling me over and over again and ask where I am or what I’m doing.

I’m so confused with her manipulative; mixed singles, jealous ass, please help?

Even if you and her are never anything more than friends, you shouldn’t put up with someone who wants to be in your life just to manipulate you. It’s rude, it’s mean, and it’s not fair to play with your emotions like that. As a friend, I’m not sure why you’d consider her your BFF – she treats you like a game.

Some people are only happy in an open relationship, and this may be what she’s hinting at – but I don’t really see it. I think that she’s the type that wants you all to herself, but can’t offer you the same. I’ve had some exes like that, honestly. It’s not fun, and it only gets worse if you actually date her. This type of behavior before you even begin a relationship can be a precursor to an unfaithful mentality – after all, she has you, why should she bother to make sure you’re happy? It doesn’t necessarily mean she will cheat, but if you allow the back-and-forth now, you may be inviting it later on.

Of course, I can’t stop you from trying to date her if you both happen to be single at the same time – but I would expect it to go sour. Don’t do anything to intentionally sabotage it, but don’t close your eyes to the mistreatment, either. The love and respect has to go both ways, otherwise it’s just a game.

I hope that she’s not intentionally playing with your emotions, but it does seem to me that she is. Tread with caution on this one, and make sure you keep your heart protected.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I Feel So Self-conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s

Dear KitschMix,

Anyways, I decided to write to you because I really really need an out-side perspective on the situation. Maybe I need someone to set me straight. Usually I’m the person who everyone turns to for advice and stuff, but I’m the worst for taking my own advice…

I fucking hate my body. I adore my girlfriend’s body. She is fucking gorgeous. She has played sports all of her life and has more of a toned-up athletic build. Me? I fucking hate sports, never played sports. I have the classical hour-glass figure – fairly big tits, small waist, and wide birthing hips with a lot of junk in the trunk. Now here comes the problem: I can’t stop feeling self-conscious when I look at my girlfriend’s body and then when I look at mine. I don’t have a flat stomach; I have a soft pudgy one. I don’t have perfect perky tits; I have big soft ones. And I hate them.

I hate most of my body. I always have since I was a teen. I’m not really THAT overweight, but yes I am definitely carrying an extra few kg’s that need to go. I feel like my body feels so ugly compared to hers. I can’t stop noticing every flaw, and this isn’t doing me/us any favours when we go to have sex. I LOVE sex. I’m a very sexual person and have a much higher libido than my girlfriend but I only feel comfortable with sex in very dim lights and preferably when I’m wearing a t-shirt or a bra or something, and I’m sick of feeling like this.

My girlfriend loves my body and loves my curves, she always tells me that but this doesn’t seem to help me.

I HATE feeling like this. I realise that it’s a MASSIVE mood-kill and probably a massive turn-off when I get into these horrible self-hating moods. I love my girlfriend so much and I only hope that she loves my body just as much as I love hers.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Did anyone ever manage to resolve it or get out of this terrible way of thinking? I’m going crazy here. Thank you for reading!

Reader, I see a lot of myself in you. I have had difficulties with my own self-confidence for much of my life. It can be especially difficult when I’m with someone thin, as I have never really been small. It actually got worse after I lost a lot of weight – I felt that my “new body” was too soft, and the woman I was with at the time seemed to be perfect. I couldn’t identify that we were actually about the same proportions at the time. It’s possible that this is your problem too.

It’s always hard to learn to love your own body, but it’s something that we all need to do at some point in our life. Some people are able to love themselves at a very young age, and others will struggle with it their entire life. I’m still struggling with it myself, and I probably will for my entire life. There have been times when I’ve completely stopped sex because I couldn’t stop focusing on my own flaws.

It’s important to know that it may very well be a long process to get to loving yourself, but thankfully there are a few things you can do to improve the situation. None of it will work immediately, and it may feel like an uphill battle for much of the time. It’s important that you keep trying until it becomes a habit.

• Try to eat better. Every small substitution can help you feel better about yourself, even if it doesn’t take the weight off. In fact, the weight itself isn’t necessarily the problem; if you try to focus too much on losing weight, it can bring you down even further. Instead, make small, healthy substitutions for some of the worst offenders, and don’t beat yourself up for indulgences every now and then.
• Try to exercise, in small bursts. Not everyone can run a marathon – so don’t bother with that, at least at first. You should begin with going for small walks, or even jumping on a trampoline – just something fun that gets you active. Of course, sometimes the sex can be the exercise – but this isn’t likely the case until you’re more comfortable with yourself.
• Try to keep a journal of your feelings. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it can be helpful to log your emotions, especially as they pertain to your body image. Being able to look through the way your feelings cycle can help you pinpoint whether these emotions are tied into your hormones (in reference to your menstrual cycle) or if they are unrelated. If you find out that it has something to do with your hormones, you might want to look into treatment for PMDD. This term references symptoms that are similar to PMS, but much more severe, and is marked by the onset being about 7-10 days before your menstrual period.
• If you decide to keep a journal, try to keep track of your measurements. In some cases, just being able to see that your measurements are a good “average” for your height may be enough to reassure you. Of course, self-measuring is difficult, and it is possible that you won’t be satisfied with your first measurements – this can help you determine whether you’ll need to work more on diet and exercise. Just remember that your health is more important than the numbers you see, and keep things in perspective.
• Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. You should be able to tell her when your body image is not doing very well. It may be a mood killer, but it can help her to understand what’s going on in your mind. If she loves you, she will want to know how you’re feeling so that she may be able to help alleviate the bad ones.
• Find something you’re good at, and devote some time to it. Sometimes your body confidence can be helped by an overall confidence; that is, finding something that you can be super confident about to help make up for an area you are less confident in. It won’t completely fix the problem, but it can help to distract you from it.

It’s up to you to determine which tips work best for you, and as I previously mentioned it may be an uphill battle. If nothing seems to help you feel better about yourself, it may be worthwhile to seek professional counseling. Sometimes these issues are much deeper than just a self-confidence issue, and it’s important that you don’t ignore the signs of something more serious if they exist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you can get your confidence levels where they should be. Please don’t hesitate to contact us again after you have made some changes – we’d love to know how they worked out for you!

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

Dear KitschMix,

My girlfriend is sweet and loving, but unfortunately seems to have a roaming eye (or two). We’ve had trust issues in the past, and I recently found out that she downloaded HER when I was away visiting family. She uninstalled it and claimed she was “just curious,” but I’m still hurt about it. I do what I can to be loving and make our sex life exciting, but she is not terribly interested. I’ve never caught her cheating, but I’ve caught her doing other inappropriate things that make me very suspicious.

She recently put a passcode on her phone and she won’t give it to me, even when situations come up where it would make sense to give it to me (like she is driving and I need to unlock her phone, or when mine wasn’t working and I needed to use hers). She refuses to share it with me. I’m really hurt and I feel like there is no good reason for her to do this, to be so protective over the code. She says she just wants privacy, but I think the only thing she could really want to keep “private” is stuff with other women.

This, rolled in with other problems, is making me think of actually leaving her. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Does she have the right to keep the code from me without me getting upset?

Reader, your girlfriend sounds a lot like one of my exes. She got mad when I accidentally happened upon an “I love you” text from her to another woman – so she passcoded her phone and refused to let me in it. Of course, this inflamed my jealousy – and for good reason. She left it behind, unlocked, one day – and I peeked. I’m not proud of myself for snooping, but I found way more stuff that really got under my skin.

There are some people who say that whatever you find when snooping, you brought it on yourself – I don’t think that’s true. There is such a thing as secrets that shouldn’t be kept, and some of the examples you may find will haunt you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to look – but your partner shouldn’t have to hide, either.

I wish I could tell you that my situation was way more extreme than yours, but most likely that’s not true. It’s one thing to maintain your privacy, but it’s another thing to be caught sneaking around and then try to get some privacy. The way this situation rolled out, I think it’s safe to assume she’s cheating – or she’s trying to.

To me it seems like you’ve already tried to talk this out with her, and she just doesn’t want to talk about it. In this situation, I’d say the best choice is to leave her – she’s proving that she doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you, even when she’s been caught. You shouldn’t have to waste your time with someone who can’t be honest with you.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Girlfriend Wants Me To Do Something In Bed I’m Just Not Comfortable With

Dear KitschMix,

I really need help ASAP because my girlfriend and I just got into a huge disagreement and I am desperate for advice. I feel absolutely sick right now.

I love having sex with my girlfriend and it is always amazing, whether we use toys/vibrators, etc. or not. We have had sex with a strap-on many times, and she is always the one wearing it while I receive. She likes penetrative sex also and we have played around with me using dildo on her. She asked me a while ago to use a strap-on with her, and lately she has been asking more and more frequently to the point of getting frustrated and angry with me for avoiding it. I’ve told her that thinking about doing that turns me off completely, but she doesn’t understand and feels hurt that I don’t want to. I do see her point because even though we don’t have sex with it every time, I love when we do and I would be unhappy if she refused to anymore.

But honestly the thought of wearing a strap-on really is a major turn off. I’m very feminine and she is way more masculine than I am. It’s not like I think she’s the “man” in the relationship or anything like that. However, my femininity is what makes me feel sexy. Wearing a strap-on does not make me feel sexy at all. I’ve put it on when she’s not around and tried to imagine having sex with her and the look of pleasure on her face but all I feel is disgust.

I absolutely mean it when I say that thought of fucking her with a strap-on is actually repulsive to me to the point where I don’t think I could even mentally force myself to do it, no matter how good it would feel for her.

I’ve tried to gently tell her my thoughts about it, and then said no more firmly. I don’t know how else to say I don’t want to without shouting “IF YOU MAKE ME DO THIS I MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU.” She has never said, “if you love me you’d do it” (and she never would, because she’s not an asshole) but sometimes I feel like she’s thinking it.

I would never ever want her to force herself to do anything that made her uncomfortable and I hope she feels the same way. It’s not even that she’s being pushy or abusive towards me about it, but she’s clearly pissed off hence the disagreement. It basically ended with us looking at each other helplessly then I came to my room and started crying and I’m pretty sure she left.

Am I being completely unreasonable and selfish? Are there just some things you should do to make your partner happy even when you don’t want to? I feel terrible. I feel like I’m the worst girlfriend ever for being unwilling to do it. It’s not like I’m new to lesbian sex or intimidated by wearing a strap-on. I just don’t want to. She treats me well and we are so in love. I can’t stand the thought of this putting a strain on our relationship. Maybe we should see a sex therapist or something. But like I said, our sex life is great aside from this. What should I do? How do I talk to her about it?

Well, this is a tricky situation indeed. It does seem a little one-sided that you love to receive the strap-on but you aren’t willing to give it. There is one thing that stands out to me that I felt the need to mention – unless it’s specifically intended as gender play, there’s nothing inherently masculine about wearing a strap-on. It’s a sex toy, just like any other, with the added bonus of leaving your hands free for other things.

That being said, it’s also important that your partner be understanding of the things you’re not comfortable with, and it seems like the strap-on is a “hard no” in your book. It’s never right to demand something that your partner simply isn’t comfortable with – but it’s also not fair to demand something you wouldn’t be able to give in return. If you’re really not willing to give it to her, then don’t expect her to give it anymore, either.

Of course, I must ask – have you ever actually tried it? The idea of wearing a strap-on can seem intimidating from the start, which is possibly a bigger problem than the perceived masculinity from it. It’s a challenging new thing to learn, and doesn’t seem to be as straightforward as the use of other toys is. But once you get used to the idea of giving it to your partner with a strap-on, most women love to do it!

Keep in mind that there are straight women who use a strap-on with their male partners – which just backs up the idea that there isn’t necessarily anything involved that inhibits your femininity. In fact, there are some strap-ons that can penetrate both of you at the same time; if that might set your mind more at ease in regards to the presumed gender roles, then opt for something like that instead.

As a somewhat feminine woman myself, let me tell you – I enjoy giving it to a partner with a strap-on much more than I like receiving it from. It’s not about gender play, it’s about power – and being able to “fuck” your partner in that way is an incredible source of power.

I recommend you first give it a chance, to see if you like it. Don’t expect to be perfect at it at first – and make sure you listen to your partner. It’s possible that just hearing how aroused she is by it will eliminate the feelings of doubt you have. It’s also possible that you’ll really enjoy it. If you have a toy that vibrates, this can be a great feeling for the one wearing the harness – turn it on!

If, after trying, you are unable to enjoy yourself (or at least tolerate it enough to give it to her in the future), be honest with her about it. She might be very disappointed by this, but if she respects you, she won’t push you after you’ve given it a chance. Just don’t expect her to extend the favor anymore, either.

[interaction id=”5613a3c574a791dd4b4e82b7″]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Should I Let Her Go?

Dear KitschMix,

I met this girl online a while ago, we met for coffee, hit it off. Met up a second time at a show, ended up having sex in her car, but then I never saw her again after that.

I texted her a little while afterwards and she happened to be busy at the time, working a lot, couldn’t really make plans. I asked her to let me know when she had more free time. I’m assuming she just forgot, I did too, but I kind of want to see her again.

It’s been over a month since I last texted her. Would it be weird for me to text her now? We’ve only hung out twice; I don’t even know how I really feel about her. I think I’m just feeling lonely and wanting to be around new people, maybe curious to see where this goes.

I’ve never been one to really pursue anyone, I’m usually the asshole that blows people off or loses interest. Is it worth a shot or should I just let it go and find someone else?

Well, Reader, I think the first, most important question you need to ask yourself in this situation is: Why do you want to see her again? If you determine that it really is just you being lonely, then maybe it’s best to take some time to spend with your friends. Sometimes, when we’re in a relationship, we can forget about our friends, and that’s really not the best for our emotions. The lesbian urge to merge can be strong – we should fight it until we’re sure!

Of course, if you can’t determine conclusively that you’re just lonely, it may be worthwhile to explore the feelings with her. There’s probably a reason why you’re still thinking about her, right? Maybe it’s worth looking into. You never know, sometimes the best situations start in the most unexpected of ways.

It does, however, seem like she’s not really that interested. I don’t like when girls play games, like acting hard-to-get to make themselves feel more desirable, so if you think this could be the case on her end, you shouldn’t waste your time and effort on her. Some girls like casual sex – there’s not a lot you can do about it. Maybe she doesn’t think you clicked.

It shouldn’t hurt to text her and ask, though – worst case scenario, you’ll find out that she doesn’t care to be with you, and you can move on without her. Best case scenario, she forgot or thought you wouldn’t be interested – and you can move forward from there.

Best of luck, Reader – I hope you can figure out the situation between the two of you and reach a satisfactory conclusion!

[interaction id=”564b493e737e4fee1dbe4a8e”]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

Quick back story – we met through work about a year and a half ago, but we never really hung out as closer friends until this spring.

Some of my friends would comment every now and again that I should ask her out on a date. I always knew she was bisexual however from what I can tell she hasn’t had a serious relationship with another woman. I’ve always been super attracted to women however due to a number of reasons, never really acted upon it. Also I couldn’t really picture me dating her at the time, it just didn’t make sense.

We’ve been spending more time together lately and it’s been cool, ya know? I’m moving away soon so I figured it was kind of natural to get a little closer. Last month we went to a queer dance party and she had way more to drink than I realized. We were chilling on a couch, and I was feeling more affectionate than usual and I started rubbing her neck and scratching her head. And then she looked at me and I realized right fucking then “Oh fucking christ, ____’s so beautiful. ” and I also realized she wanted to kiss me. So I let her and immediately felt weird for letting my drunk friend kiss me while I was mostly sober. So I made her get her jacket and walked her home.

So that’s when I started seriously considering what had never occurred to me until that night: “Could I date ____? Would that even work? Do I want to risk this great friendship?”

Anyways, she doesn’t remember it, and I never brought it up after because there was no real point. HOWEVER. This past Tuesday we got really drunk at this bar and uhh I don’t know I just remember kissing her on the shoulder because I couldn’t bear to kiss her on the mouth, and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Blah blah blah we went back to her place, we hooked up, and the next morning I went to work with a crazy hangover. We’ve been texting since then, and it doesn’t feel awkward or anything.

I keep running in circles over whether or not to ask her to “talk about it” and risk making what time I have left with her awkward. I also feel like if I don’t talk about it, I’m going to lose a real chance to find out whether or not she would date me.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but if you want to know – you’ve got to risk the awkwardness and ask. If things aren’t awkward now, it’s entirely possible that they’ll remain comfortable even when you talk about it. There’s nothing that says that things have to be weird when you hook up with a friend.

In fact, if you think about it, the best relationships often grow from friendships. Why should we feel awkward if this happens to us? There’s always going to be that chance that the two of you are meant to be. Even if neither of you has had a serious relationship with a woman before (even though you have no actual evidence that this is the case on her end) – everyone starts somewhere. There’s always a first time, and if you’re this drawn to her, this could be your chance for a first time!

The most important thing to remember in this situation is that the two of you need to be honest with each other. Keep in mind that her feelings may not be returned, but you’ll still need to ask. The way the curious human mind works, we will wonder about something until we know the answer, and if it’s something as serious as what could be love, it may eat us up inside until we finally act on it!

You said you’ll be moving away soon – does this mean that you might have a chance to “break free” if the situation ends up being embarrassing? It could actually be the perfect guard, from the information you’ve given… After all, if you aren’t going to run the risk of accidentally crossing paths, you can basically get away if things go sour. Please forgive me if I misunderstood this situation!

All in all, I think it would be unwise to ignore these feelings. The fact that things have happened more than once and it seems like you are both eager to explore it should tell you that it’s worth checking into it. Please don’t hesitate to send us a follow-up message telling us how it went!

[interaction id=”55e446ec1cec712a2e4cb80a”]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

So here’s the deal. I am in a loving and committed relationship and have been for three years. We fulfil one and other as companions, sharing intimacy as much as I could dream. I really love her, but there is still this urge I get to explore seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I love her less than before, as any poly person would tell you (I talked to a poly couple at length), I just feel like things could be even better.

However, I am uncertain as to how to proceed now. We have danced around the subject before, and I’m not sure how she feels. What language would others with more experience advise me to use? I don’t want it to come out negative, or for her to feel criticized or that I am unhappy with her. It’s such a difficult talk to consider, and a big step if we choose to pursue it. Any advice or anecdote would help.

I am not poly myself, but I have had a lot of poly friends in the past, and have also been the “other woman” in a poly relationship before. It works for some people, and it doesn’t work for others – and you’ll really never know until you ask her.

I understand your hesitation with bringing it up. It can be a tough situation to come across, because the opinions on the matter lie across the board. However, you said you’ve talked about it vaguely before. If she didn’t seem like she was offended by the idea, it may be safe to move forward.

I’d recommend bringing it up in a way that tells her that you’re genuinely interested in her opinion of the subject. Maybe start with something along the lines of “Have you ever thought about having an open relationship?” Don’t share your thoughts right away; if she’s completely unreceptive to the idea, you’ll need to decide whether it’s worth pressing forward or not. It is entirely possible that she won’t like the idea. Poly relationships are definitely not right for everyone.

If she admits that she has thought about an open relationship before, you can begin to present the reasons why you’re interested. Make sure you reassure her that it has nothing to do with you not wanting her – this is one of the biggest fears with poly relationships. Some people cite a difference in sex drive for the thing causing them to want to pursue others – if this is the reason, make sure you let her know.

It’s necessary that you two be comfortable discussing the specifics of your arrangement should it arise – there are no set-in-stone rules when it comes to open relationships, so you’ll need to work out every detail yourselves. You might decide that you’ll go no further than second base with your “others”, and keep all sexual activity between the two of you – you may decide that you’ll only have sex with the others, and keep all other forms of intimacy between the two of you.

It’s entirely up to you two, but these things typically work out best if all of the partners are given the same permissions. After all, it’s not really fair if one is allowed to do more than the others, right? Be fair to each other, and keep everyone’s needs in consideration.

Keep in mind, also, that not everyone is comfortable with participating in a poly relationship, either. You must understand and respect that, and always be honest with whatever “others” you may have. Even if your loyalties lie with your partner, honesty is key for everyone.

[interaction id=”5640a19c737e4fee1d77d3c4″]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How should I deal with my crush?

Dear KitschMix,

Help. I’ve just started my first term at university and I can feel myself developing a crush on my housemate. We met at freshers week and instantly clicked. We have so much in common.

She’s attractive, funny, sensitive… everything basically. But we’re going to be spending the next three years together so I really don’t want to make a move if it’s going to make things awkward.

Also, I can’t even tell if she’s gay! What should I do?

A: Well, reader, the easiest thing you could do would be to ask her. It might make things awkward, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know.

My girlfriend actually brought up a really good idea – you could bring up some past partners you’ve had, if you’ve had some, to see if she offers any information about her past relationships – such as the possibility of some of them being female.

She says, in her experience, this allows her to subtly “out” herself without putting pressure on her to instantly come up with a recovery if she’s not interested in ladies. If you’re worried about things being awkward, this can be a lifesaver – you don’t have to express your interest in her until you’re at least sure she’s playing for the same team.

If you’re a little less for subtlety, you could consider coming straight out and telling her that you’re gay, and asking if she is (or if she has a boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.). It has more of a chance of awkwardness, but pretty much only if she’s homophobic. (And if she is – do you really want to share a flat with her anyway?)

If you find out she is gay, you can continue to discover whether she’s interested in ladies like yourself – of course, the same choice of “subtlety” versus “overtness” will still apply. Get to know her on a deeper level and in time you’ll discover whether you two have a standing chance to be together. There’s no rush to jump into it; as you’ve said, you’ll be spending the next three years together.

Best of luck to you reader, and let us know how it turns out!

[interaction id=”55e446ec1cec712a2e4cb80a”]

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

 Q: How Do I Get Her Back?

Dear KitschMix,

Okey so I was in a relationship with another woman for sometime, n then things got rocky and we split for a short time, now during that time of the split i met someone else and we began to develop feelings… now this is where the drama sets in. So what happened was my ex got back in the picture and we kinda decided to give it one last try. So we did even thou I knew at the time I had developed feelings for another.

When she found out i got back with her, she was angry and really disappointed. Even right she texts me now and then but its not the same. The thing is I really have strong feelings for her, I have left my partner but she doesn’t know yet. How do I go about apologising and try to sort of make up for the disappointment I have brought?

Hi there, Reader! This can be a difficult situation to be in. I was actually in a mess like this at the beginning of my relationship with my current girlfriend. You see, I had been “seeing” someone for quite a while, but it was nothing official. I thought she was perfect for me – but she kept blowing me off.

We decided to take some time apart, and I met someone else. Honestly I didn’t really give her the time of day, because part of me was just trying to make the other girl jealous with this new “friend”. The thing was, it was working – and the other girl decided to give me a shot after all!

In one of the worst ways possible, I ended up blowing the new girl off. She had been wonderful, exactly what I wanted in a girlfriend, even though she wasn’t my girlfriend… But I took the other girl back anyway. Turns out, the other girl hadn’t changed at all – she was just jealous of the new girl and pretended she’d do better.

Once things collapsed a final time, I couldn’t believe what an ass I’d been to the new girl! Here she was, everything I wished the other girl would be, and I still picked the other girl over me. Stupid, right? Anyway, we went our separate ways, and I had to figure out how to woo the first girl back.

Like you, I hadn’t stopped talking to either of them the entire time, I just altered what I shared with them. I realized I had made a stupid mistake and sent the first girl packing. In my situation, the new girl was already right there waiting for me – she had told me for a while already that she was perfect for me and she’d be waiting when I gave up on the other girl. (I thought she was being cocky, but she really was right.)

In your situation, it’s possible that it could be the same – if she’s still talking to you, she obviously wants you to be in her life, in some facet. But you’ll have to prove to her that your eyes are opened and you’re free from the spell of your ex. It won’t be easy, but it can usually be done.

Once you do win her over, you’ll probably have to prove yourself for a while, although it should be because you want to and not because she’s forcing you to. You’ll want her to know that you’re not indecisive, you’re not confused anymore, you want to be with her. One of the easiest ways to do this is to be open and honest with her.

Personally, I made a big to-do about taking the password off my phone. Hey, it’s sort of a dumb step (and my partner admitted to me that I was a bit silly about the whole thing) but that’s what it took for me to convince myself that I could be trusted not to go backwards.

I’m not saying that a phone password is necessarily the answer for you – you’ll have to figure out that variable on your own. The point is, you should do something simple to show that you’ve made the necessary changes within yourself to be hers and not your ex’s. Don’t try to open too many doors at once, or it’ll just come across as awkward.

Of course, it’s also possible that you won’t win her over, and if that happens, you’ll have to respect it. Just because we want a second chance doesn’t mean we will get one. I was very fortunate that my girlfriend had it figured out long before I did and that she hadn’t given up on me in the time it took me to realize things. But in my opinion, if you can’t win her over, that means she’s not the one!

Best of luck to you, Reader, and I hope to hear back about how it goes!

[interaction id=”55e446ec1cec712a2e4cb80a”]