Tag Archives: LGBT families

Four Married Lesbian Couples Fill Lawsuit Against Tennessee Over It’s ‘LGBT Erasure Bill’

Four married lesbian couples expecting children have filed a lawsuit in Tennessee seeking to overturn a new state law that critics say could deny rights to same-sex couples by requiring strict adherence to terms such as “husband.”

The law requires other statutes in the state to be interpreted by their “natural and ordinary meaning”.

While it does not explicitly single out LGBTQ people for discrimination, the bill has largely been billed as an attempt to prevent judges from interpreting words with gender-specific meanings — such as “husband,” “wife,” “mother,” and “father” — to mean the same thing as a gender-neutral term like “spouse” or “parent.”

In response to the law’s passage, the four couples, each of whom have conceived a child using a sperm donor, filed suit, arguing that Tennessee’s “presumption of parentage” statute — where a man who is not the biological father of, but is married to the mother of a child is recognized as the child’s father for legal purposes — does not guarantee the same rights to non-biological lesbian mothers.

The lawsuit was filed by attorney Julie Tate-Keith, who is representing Charitey and Heather Mackenzie (pictured above), Crystal Dawn and Terra Mears, Elizabeth and Heather Broadaway, and Kathrine and Emilie Guthrie.

Tate-Keith argues that the new law violates equal rights and due process protections in both the U.S. and Tennessee constitutions, and asks the court to issue an order declaring that any spouse, regardless of gender, of a pregnant women should be recognized as the legal parent of the child they raise together.

The Supreme Court said that gay people could get married. If that’s to be meaningful, then same-sex couples have to be treated the same way that opposite-sex couples are, and that means parentage just like anyone else.”

But Haslam insisted when he was signing the bill that people were reading too much into the bill, arguing that it does nothing to change or alter the Supreme Court’s ruling on marriage equality.

The bill’s sponsor, Sen. John Stevens (R-Huntingdon), told the Chattanooga Times Free Press that he has “no idea” if his bill would infringe on the marital or parental rights of same-sex couples, but simply wants undefined words in Tennessee’s code to mean what legislators understood them to mean when they were drafting a law.

Chris Sanders, the executive director of the Tennessee Equality Project, notes that the Attorney General has pointed out several ambiguous terms and areas where applying “natural and ordinary” meaning to terms could cause problems for LGBTQ families.

He and his organization have termed the bill the “LGBT Erasure Bill” because of its deliberate attempt to force judges and government officials to discount the existence of families headed by same-sex couples when interpreting or enforcing laws related to marriage, adoption, or child custody.

With 95 counties, and elected judges that serve them all, there’s just too much risk. We think it’s better to err on the side of caution, and we hope this lawsuit is successful. We don’t really want to wait around to see what negative effects it might have.”

Gay Women Granted ‘Husband’s Rights’ In Landmark Custody Case

Tennessee natives, Erica Witt and Sabrina Witt legally wed in in April 2014 in the nation’s capital.

The couple bought a home together and decided to have a child via artificial insemination from an anonymous donor.

Sabrina Witt gave birth to a girl in January 2015.

However, because Tennessee did not then recognize same-sex marriage as legal at that time, Erica Witt’s name was not placed on the baby’s birth certificate.

So when the couple split, she discovered she had little legal standing in obtaining custody, because she had not adopted her child legally either.

Initially, fourth Circuit Judge Greg McMillan ruled that this meant the definition of “husband” did not apply to her scenario, and so she was only given the rights of a step-parent.

The judge insisted that Erica did not have a “biological relationship with this child, and no contractual relationship with this child”.

However, with the support of local activists and legal pressure, Judge McMillan has had to reverse the decision and grant both of the mothers’ joint custody.

His decision to reverse his ruling makes the case a landmark case in the history of LGBT rights, particularly because the judge was asked to interpret “husband” and “wife” as “spouse”.

The case comes after a new law was introduced in the state, which calls for language in legislature to be interpreted by their “natural and ordinary” meaning.

The bill states without explanation that the “meaning” should be “without forced or subtle construction that would limit or extend the meaning of the language.”

Governor Bill Haslam, who enacted the bill, has insisted that the law will not change how courts interpret legal precedent.

The Governor said in a statement.

While I understand the concerns raised about this bill, the Obergefell decision is the law of the land, and this legislation does not change a principle relied upon by the courts for more than a century, mitigating the substantive impact of this legislation.”

A group of four married, pregnant, lesbian couples have filed a lawsuit against the new anti-LGBT law.

Tate-Keith, speaking on behalf of the women involved, stated:

The Supreme Court said that gay people could get married. If that’s to be meaningful, then same-sex couples have to be treated the same way that opposite-sex couples are, and that means parentage just like anyone else.”

This means that the Witt case does not abide by the regulation which is being challenged.

 

Study Confirms: LGBTQ Parents Are As Able As Straight Ones

Since adoption by LGBTQ couples and single parents has been up for public discussion, the question “What about the children?!” has emerged time and time again.

To dismiss all doubt on whether children will actually be negatively impacted from having a queer parent, a new study published in Developmental Psychology finally came up with the answer we were all expecting:

Children’s behavioral issues are not impacted by the sexual orientation of their parents”

Rather than sexual orientation being a key factor, parenting stress is actually to blame when talking about children and their development, with psychologists claiming

Regardless of parental sexual orientation, children [in the study] had fewer behavior problems over time when their adoptive parents indicated experiencing less parenting stress.”

Although several other studies have been published on this topic, like this one which focused on Australia alone, what sets this study apart is its uniqueness: it is the first longitudinal study focusing on children of LGBTQ parents. That means it followed children from early to middle childhood, giving time to assess both their personality and cognitive development.

Number of children waiting to be adopted per state

With this new study recently published, now should be the time to really openly discuss adoption by same sex couples. With thousands of children still in foster care, it seems reckless to just ignore objective data on behalf of an outdated ideology.

But maybe that’s just my own opinion as a queer woman. And what does psychologist Rachel H. Farr, assistant professor at the University of Kentucky and one of the psychologists involved in the study think about the results?

These results, which support many positive outcomes among adoptive families headed by lesbian, gay or heterosexual parents over time, may be informative to legal, policy and practice realms,”

As long as more studies and evidence on LGBTQ parents keeps coming out, the less reasons there are to doubt or dismiss us from the opportunity to openly adopt and, consequently, have the right to start a family.

How Old Is Too Old For A Safe Pregnancy?

Many women now opt to have children when they are in their 30’s and 40’s and some women are choosing to wait until they are in their 50’s. Some women prefer to travel and enjoy their career before making the decision to have a baby, but what are the dangers?

Last month scientists announced they had discovered a way to reverse the menopause and rejuvenating women’s ovaries which means later life pregnancies could become a definite possibility. A few weeks ago an Australian woman gave birth at the age of 62 with the help of IVF and it has raised the debate again of whether a woman should have a baby at such a later stage in her life.

A woman’s ability to conceive naturally lessons as she get’s older. Our eggs are stored in our ovaries and released every month when we menstruate. Apparently around 400 eggs are released monthly until the 4 million we started with are all gone and we hit the menopause.

The number of women having children in their 30’s has doubled over the last 25 years when it was more common for women to get pregnant in their 20’s.  So what are the risks getting pregnant later on in life?

Apparently women over the age of 30 are twice as likely to suffer from complications such as pre-eclampsia (life threatening high blood pressure) and twice as likely to have gestational diabetes.  The risk of dying during pregnancy or Childbirth increases along with the risk of the unborn baby having downs syndrome and more than half of women aged 40 or over need a caesarean and can’t give birth naturally which can cause complications for both mother and unborn child.

These risks get worse when a woman waits until she is in her 40’s or 50’s. Mothers in this age group are 5 to 6 times more likely to die after the first few weeks of giving birth compared to younger mothers. There is also more chance a woman will have a miscarriage than a live birth in this age bracket and babies born to mothers of this age are 2 times more likely to be born prematurely and have a low birth rate.

IVF is an option many women take when deciding to have a baby later on in life as it can give a greater chance of success, especially if the woman has gone through or is going through the menopause. The woman can take a donor egg and embryo from a younger, fertile woman which gives her a better chance of getting pregnant.

But this is also risky as a pregnancy later in life puts a woman at a higher risk of a stroke. IVF also has a smaller chance of success the older the mother is. Some IVF clinics do not offer IVF treatment to women over 50 but there is no law that suggests a cut off age so clinics can take each case on an individual basis.

Deciding to have a baby later on in life is something a woman should consider carefully to make sure she understands the risks involved and can make an informed decision on whether a later life pregnancy is the best option for her and her unborn baby.


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15 Things My Nieces And Nephews Have Taught Me About Adult Life

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. I’ve been a Happy Auntie since I was 7 ½ years old – making me one of the youngest aunts in my social circle. (My oldest nephew just turned 18 last year and I was 100% not prepared for that realization.)

He’s not my only nephew, though – in fact, I have a total of five nieces and five nephews now, and not a day goes by with them visiting me that I don’t learn something new about myself, and about life in general. Just as often as they remind me that I’m not really ready to be a parent yet, they also inspire me to try new things and be a better person.

What, specifically, have they taught me?


1. Be fearless (at least most of the time).

Most of the kids are completely at peace with the idea that “trying new things” sometimes means “getting hurt” – but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try those new things anyway. Sure, sometimes they are actually scared and won’t do the new thing unless one of their brothers dares them to – but as many times as I’ve turned down a challenge in my life, these kids have motivated me to take those challenges.

With the kids, it usually means something like drinking a shot glass full of hot sauce, or doing a backflip on the trampoline. But for me, it means things like try for that job you might not get, or actually ask the store associate for help instead of walking around like an awkward mess. Okay, so I haven’t exactly got that fearless thing down yet, but they inspire me to try.


2. Everyone (and everything) is special if you look closely enough.

Have you ever talked to a child about something that seems a bit ridiculous to us grown-ups? They don’t see it as ridiculous. It’s completely normal for kids to believe in fairies and unicorns and all that other stuff that we, as adults, think is impossible. Kids see the magic in the smallest things, and even the magic within themselves, and somewhere along the way, we lose that sense of wonder – but my nieces and nephews remind me that we don’t have to.

Just watching the kids play with their broken colored pencils (because I’m far too much of a control freak to let them break my “nice” ones), their hand-me-down toys, and even the strangers that I would have otherwise looked over… It reminds me of the playful innocence that I once had, too, and really makes me appreciate the miracles that exist – even if they’re not really fairies, unicorns, and dragons. To a child, everything is magical until proven otherwise.


3. Trust your intuition.

My nieces and nephews don’t always think things through all the way. It’s not their fault, though – the impulse center of your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re about 25, so realistically, I’m just starting to outgrow my impulsivity. (Or, at least, the bits of impulsiveness that my OCD and anxiety didn’t already squash.) The kids, on the other hand, will do things totally reckless and carefree – and, in most cases, come out better because of it.

Sure, sometimes your gut instincts lead you astray. I’ve fallen victim to poor intuition a few times (usually because I saw someone as special when really they were just manipulative). But the kids teach me that it’s worth taking a chance, just to see if you were right. And, if you don’t get the results you wanted, at least you learned something.


4. Be yourself – unapologetically.

The kids don’t let others influence who they are. They haven’t learned the societal rules that keep us “in place” yet. (Well, maybe the oldest one has, but we’re just going to pretend he’s still little, because I’m still not ready to accept that he’s taller than I am yet.) The kids don’t care what strangers think of them – they know these random people mean very little in the grand scheme of things.

It took me a long time to realize that you really don’t have to care what strangers think of you, and if those strangers judge you for being yourself, that’s not someone you want as your friend anyway. One of my biggest hopes for my nieces and nephews is that they never stop giving themselves permission to be true to themselves – and that they keep reminding me that I have permission to be myself, too.


5. Happiness should be chased.

There was a long period in my life when I felt that happiness needed to be earned. I thought that, if I did all the right things, I would be happy – without having to try. As adults, we learn that there are things we have to do, and be happy manages to get cut from most people’s lists. But why? Don’t we all deserve to be happy?

Watching a child play, it becomes apparent that you will sometimes need to create your own happiness. It doesn’t always come from doing the things you’re supposed to do, and in some cases, those “have-to’s” are really all in our head. Truthfully, being happy with your life is really the only thing you have to do – otherwise, you’re going to be miserable. It should be obvious, really, but it’s something that somehow escapes us once the pressure and responsibility of being a “grown-up” takes over.


6. Self-expression is essential to happiness.

Those of you who have read a few of my posts probably know that I’m big on the idea of journaling – but, realistically, there’s more to expressing yourself than just writing some words down in a book. Kids don’t worry about writing it down, out of sight of others. In fact, they’re usually the first to say exactly what’s on their mind (at least, if they haven’t been conditioned otherwise). If they’re tired, they’ll let you know. If they’re sad, they’ll cry. If they’re mad, they’ll make it pretty obvious they’re mad – even if you’re in the middle of a public place and would really prefer they weren’t so “expressive” at that exact moment.

As adults, we’re often conditioned that our emotions are to be kept to ourselves, or maybe shared with those closest to us and hidden from “public view”. When you ask someone “How are you?”, the socially acceptable answer is always “Good, how are you?” – even though that’s not always the truth. When did it become more important to make other people comfortable than it did to make ourselves comfortable?


7. Love has no ulterior motives.

My nieces and nephews love being dropped off with me, even though they know I’ll probably be working most of the time they’re here. They know what I do (okay, maybe not the specifics – there’s no way I’m talking to them about sex positions, obviously), but they loved me even when I didn’t have such an awesome job. Back when I was working a hundred hours a week* just to make $200, they loved me just as much as they do now that I can afford to spoil them senseless. It’s never been about money to them.

(* – I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a hundred-hour week, but I did do a stretch of three or four 76-hour weeks in a row, and let me tell you… It sucked.)


8. Give what you can give – sharing is joy.

I know, not all kids have mastered this one – but my nieces and nephews are some of the kindest, most generous kids I know, and it’s something I strive for in my own life. If I had a dollar for every time they offered to share the last cookie with me, or when they colored me a picture just because they wanted to give me something, or when they brought me “wildflowers” (aka weeds) or “gemstones (aka yard rocks)… Well, I’d never have to work a 76-hour week again.

Truthfully, most kids start out like this, but somewhere along the way, we forget that giving brings us so much joy. As we grow up, we start to devalue the act of giving to people who don’t do anything in return – after all, “why should we” share the little we have with someone who wouldn’t share with us? But, realistically, giving freely to someone else inspires them to give freely, and it makes the whole world a more loving place. Even if all you can give is advice and hugs, your life will be so much better if you do.


9. Forgiveness is one of the greatest skills we can have.

Kids don’t hold grudges, and if they do, it’s not for very long. It’s not because they’ve forgotten – I still remember many of the bad things that happened to me when I was young – but it’s because they know that bad situations aren’t permanent. When a child gets punished (within reason and within the confines of the law), they’ve usually let go of any resentment by the time they’re not in trouble anymore. Adults, on the other hand, hang onto the negatives and let them define situations that they probably shouldn’t.

Being able to forgive others is just as important as being able to forgive yourself. And, truthfully, that’s another thing that kids are usually better at than the adults in their lives – when’s the last time you heard a kid talking about how mad they were for something that happened ten years ago? (Assuming, of course, that they’re at least ten years old.) Most likely, you haven’t, unless their home life has conditioned them to think that they should feel guilty about it. Why, then, do we teach ourselves that we should be ashamed of our pasts?


10. Be honest – it saves you a lot of trouble.

Kids don’t start off knowing how to lie. My nieces and nephews are really bad at lying, actually, and the younger ones won’t even try. They don’t sugarcoat things. They won’t tell you a half-truth to spare your feelings. And they sure don’t hide the things they do if they’ve done something wrong – just ask a four-year-old if they did something wrong, and they’ll either tell you no, they didn’t, or they’ll cry – letting you know that they did, in fact, do the wrong thing.

Likewise, you can trust the things that kids tell you, because they don’t see it as a risk of hurting your feelings. If a child tells you that you look nice, you really do look nice – at least to them. If they tell you they accidentally broke your favorite cup, then they mean they’re actually sorry that they broke it, and they wanted to save you the pain of finding out about it without warning. And they understand that it takes more work to make up a story than it does to just tell the truth.


11. Your imagination and creativity are meant to be shared with the world.

Kids don’t filter their creativity before letting it out – at least, not until an adult tells them they should. They believe that every idea they come up with is incredible, and with a little work, can be that pure magic we were talking about earlier. Not only are they willing to share their creativity with you, but they expect you to have the same level of wonder that they have – and they’re disappointed if they find that you don’t. (Truthfully, you should be disappointed, too – creativity isn’t just for kids, it’s a big part of effective problem solving.)

As a writer, this resonates really strongly with me – but it took me a long time to realize that my childhood dreams of getting paid to write weren’t silly, they weren’t unrealistic, and they definitely weren’t a waste of my time. I just wish I had realized sooner that being a “grown-up” didn’t mean giving up the things that made me happy – it just meant finding a creative way to be happy with the things I had.


12. Believe in yourself, even when no one else does.

My nieces and nephews are lucky enough to have a strong support system at home, but not everyone believes in them as strongly as our family does. There are always other kids who think that they’re “weird”, but they don’t care. They know what they’re good at, and they know how to harness those skills and make them even better. My oldest nephew actually had a sponsorship from a big BMX bicycle company for a while, because he had the courage to pursue his dreams – and that’s part of why I decided to pursue a future in writing. If he could become a professional cyclist at 15, there was nothing really stopping me from being a writer except for myself.

Confidence is something that we’re taught is a bad thing, as it can border on arrogance if not “contained”. But truthfully, if you’re good at something, you deserve to be confident and proud about it. You deserve to do the things you’re good at, and to cultivate the things you’re not so good at. Kids understand the idea of practicing, and they’re probably going to try as hard as they can to be as good as they can at as many things as they are interested in. Why not? Confidence and determination make the difference between success and failure. Shouldn’t we all strive for success?


13. Always dream bigger than you think is possible.

Kids dream of things like becoming an astronaut, or a doctor, or even a princess or a knight (even though, realistically, that’s not something you can easily “become”). Adults tend to put their dreams through some type of metaphorical probability filter, which really is just a way to excuse ourselves from not trying. I had this filter installed for me at a young age, and it led me to believe that being a writer was not a realistic career objective – so I gave up for a long time.

It turns out, if you keep your dreams big, the answers to your prayers will probably be closer than you imagined. Kids don’t sell themselves short. For the kids who aren’t filtered, they often find a way to make their dreams happen – and they’ll probably get a lot closer, a lot quicker, than those of us who have to return to our dreams later in life. If I had never given up on my dreams of being a writer, I probably would have published a few novels by now, but instead I’m just (relatively) getting started. Please, don’t ever tell your kids that their dreams are unrealistic.


14. Tomorrow is for excitement, not for worry.

Have you ever noticed that kids are rarely worried about what the future holds – unless Christmas or their birthday is coming up? Their innocence tells them that tomorrow is another day, and while they’ll most likely want to do the fun thing sooner, rather than later, they know that tomorrow is better than never.

They also don’t waste their time worrying about the things that could go wrong, because they’re too busy looking forward to the things that could go right. In most cases, anxiety is pretty much nonexistent in kids. They don’t have time to worry. They’re too busy loving their life and being amazing.


15. There’s always more time for work – and never enough time to have fun.

Kids are master procrastinators, but unlike their adult counterparts, it doesn’t come from a sense of perfectionism – it comes from a different set of priorities. They know that there’s always going to be more time to do the not-fun stuff, and while they do understand the importance of deadlines and due dates, they aren’t worried about it, because they know how important it is to be happy. If the things they do don’t make them happy, they don’t do them, unless someone else makes them do them.

Maybe it’s not so great to have this exact mindset as an adult, but being able to distinguish between the things you actually have to do and the things you’re “supposed” to do because it’s the “adult” choice is a skill that most adults have forgotten about. Not everything that we “have to do” is something we really have to do, and if working those extra hours doesn’t bring you joy – why are you doing it? (Admittedly, I’m still working on mastering this one, but I’m getting a lot closer, with the help of my nieces and nephews.)

15 Things That Are More Psychologically Damaging Than Having Gay Parents

Kids are our future. We all know this. But there are a lot of people who still – unfortunately – use this as an argument against gay marriage: After all, they say, a child raised by gay parents is going to get teased. This completely undermines the idea that not all gay couples are going to want kids in the first place, and then those who point this out are basically told that no kids = no reason to marry.

Which, logically, means that they don’t think infertile couples should be able to get married, either.

It’s not right. It’s discrimination, pure and simple. Those who do want kids are often told that their kids are going to be messed up, by default, just for having gay parents.

I call bullshit.

Gay parents doesn’t automatically mean gay kids, just like straight parents doesn’t automatically mean straight kids – and even if the kid did end up being gay, by saying that there’s a problem with that, these people are acting like there’s something wrong with being gay – even if they refuse to admit that they feel that way.

Believe it or not, though, there are a lot of common parenting fails that are actually so much more harmful to kids than just having gay parents. Psychologically speaking, kids benefit from a loving, supportive environment, regardless of the gender of their partners.

Of course, lesbians will need some outside help in order to raise a boy, just as gay men will need some outside help in order to raise a girl, but this doesn’t mean that they’re being slighted by having gay parents. There is no psychological evidence that their role models need to be a parent – in fact, my best role models growing up weren’t related to me at all.

Curious about what you’re doing to screw up your kids? According to science, these 15 things are a much bigger deal than the gender(s) of a child’s parents.


1.    Not babying your baby.

According to Tovah Kline, the director of the Barnard Toddler Center at Columbia University, your kids should be treated like their actual age. This means that babies should be held and responded to – otherwise, you’re not teaching them independence (like you might think), but rather you’re teaching them that their needs are not important. This is bordering on neglect. The opinion among parents varies here, but it’s impossible to spoil your child just by treating them like a child. Reprimand them when necessary, but never let it mean that you ignore them.


2.    Lying to them – even white lies.

Kids benefit from honest parents, which means that those little lies you tell them to save them from pain are probably messing them up more in the long run. Don’t tell your child that their dog ran away if it had to be put to sleep. Don’t tell your child that their other parent went on vacation if they really walked out of their life. It seems like you’re saving them from pain, but they will eventually figure out the truth, and it’s so much harder to face if they haven’t been adequately prepared for it. You don’t need to share all the grisly details, but you shouldn’t pretend that painful situations don’t exist, because they certainly do.


3.    Raising multiple children exactly the same way.

Sure, parenting is hard, and it can be even more difficult if you’ve finally got one kid figured out and then you have to learn an entirely different parenting style for the next kid. But it’s super important to them if you do. You know how there are some kids who don’t benefit from a traditional school setting? It’s the same with parenting styles. Children are not the same, and treating your artsy, rebellious child the same way as your Type A, obedient child is bound to have some disastrous consequences in the long run. Children need to be nurtured in a way that works for them, and to put the younger child in the shadow of their older sibling is not a good thing.


4.    Skipping family dinner.

It can be really tough to coordinate schedules enough to sit down as a family at every meal, but it’s important that your children socialize over the dinner table at least a couple times a week, if at all possible. It doesn’t necessarily have to be dinner, but kids who eat with their parents, as a family, are much more successful in their social relationships their whole life. It teaches the art of small talk, good table manners, and so much more. Don’t skip it – make time for a family meal whenever possible.


5.    Bottling up your anger, and then lashing out.

Let’s face it – kids can be annoying sometimes. That’s just a part of being a kid, honestly, and sometimes they’re going to frustrate the hell out of you. We might try to ignore these things, and we tell ourselves that we’re “letting them slide”. But we’re not – our mind keeps a mental inventory of these annoyances, until we end up blowing up over something that’s been frustrating us for a long time. Instead of pretending things aren’t a problem, calmly explain to your child why you would rather they didn’t do whatever they’re doing to bug you. Chances are, your kids are more reasonable than you thought! But if you bottle it up and then blow up, you’re teaching your kids that a) it’s acceptable to blow up over something minor (it’s not) and b) they should defer their problems to a later point in time (which isn’t healthy, because it teaches them to build up their emotions until they literally can’t hold it back anymore). Not only does this actually make parenting easier, it also encourages a healthy exchange of emotions.


6.    Revenge, or using aggression to fight aggression.

Spanking is a very controversial topic among parents (and non-parents) everywhere. There is a point where it definitely approaches physical abuse, but exactly where the distinction lies is a bit fuzzy. No matter how you feel personally, the truth is that responding to your child’s aggression with more aggression (aka spanking them) is teaching them a revenge mentality – which isn’t healthy. It’s much more beneficial in the long run if you can keep your cool and explain to them why throwing a temper tantrum is bad, they can start to see that aggressive expressions of emotions are not good. Aggression + aggression = more aggression, whereas aggression + calm = frustration and acceptance. You ever heard the “bombing for peace” cliché? Yeah, it’s kinda like that.


7.    Hypocrisy.

“Do as I say, not as I do” was pretty big when I was a kid. It probably still is, I don’t know – but it’s not healthy. Your kids are either going to view you as a liar, or they’re going to emulate your actions. After all, you’re their first role model – are you being a good one? Naturally, we’re always going to do some things that we don’t really want our kids to know about, but it’s better if you explain to your child what you learned from your bad decisions – and, of course, stop doing the bad things. Your kids can’t learn from your mistakes until you do, so expecting them to not repeat your mistakes when you’re still repeating them yourself is… Well, it’s a bit ridiculous.


8.    Comparing them to someone else.

This is one that’s going to hurt your kids right away. Your child is their own person, and they shouldn’t be compared to anyone else – even in a positive way, because this can create expectations that they might not be able to live up to. Praise them for the things they do well, and reprimand them for the things they do wrong, but never use another child as your point of reference. This can create a mindset where they will always compare themselves to others – creating an unnecessarily competitive world.


9.    Silencing their emotions.

Let me preface this one with a little story: Growing up, I was told that I wasn’t allowed to cry in front of my dad. In fact, I was only allowed to cry in my room, with the door shut, into a pillow. Yes, crying makes people uncomfortable – but being told that your emotions are bad is more uncomfortable. This leads to a life where you’re continually suppressing your emotions out of fear of rejection – and at almost-26-years-old, I still haven’t learned how to cry in front of other people. I was taught at a young age that showing emotions meant showing weakness, and that was bad. Don’t do that to your kids, please.


10. Fighting in front of them.

If you’ve got a problem with your significant other, that’s fine. Relationships aren’t perfect. But if you put down your partner in front of your child, he or she is likely learning that relationships don’t require respect (which they do) or that it’s okay to treat people badly (which it’s not). Disagreeing is one thing – attacking each other’s character is another thing. (Of course, you shouldn’t be fighting with your partner like that anyway, because it’s not good for your relationship… But we’re talking about your children here.) The same thing goes for putting down their other parent, if the two of you have broken up. No matter how you feel about your ex, he or she is half of your child’s support system – and talking down on that person will feel like a personal rejection of your child. Don’t do it.


11. Doing their homework.

I bet you’re surprised to see this one here, right? It’s hard to see your child struggling, and it can be tempting to step in and finish their homework for them if they’re stuck. But what you’re doing when you do it for them is teaching them that cheating is OK, and that challenging themselves is bad. Kids need to be challenged – it’s how they grow. If you really want to help, walk your child through the problems. This turns something that could otherwise be quite frustrating into a bonding experience – and they’re probably smarter than you’re giving them credit for.


12. Not keeping your promises.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we make promises, and then when the time comes to follow through, we can’t do it. But still, we make these promises, even if we know we might be lying. (Yes, a broken promise is a lie – see #2 above.) Kids have better memories than adults, likely because they’ve got less useless information clogging up their brains, so even if you might have forgotten your promise by the time it comes up again, your child most likely hasn’t. Do not promise things if you’re not 100% sure you can follow through. (And even when you don’t promise, try to follow through on your word as much as you can.)


13. Shushing them.

We sort of addressed this with #5, but it’s worth repeating here: Kids can be annoying sometimes. It’s part of being a kid. But part of being a parent is not letting them know that they’re bugging the hell out of you. Even if they’re getting on every last nerve, it’s important that you talk with them, and respond to them. When you tell your kid to shut up (or a nicer-worded variation of “shut up”) you’re teaching them that what they say doesn’t matter. You’re teaching them that their thoughts are not important. If you have a really good reason to not want them to talk at that particular moment (such as a raging migraine, or an important phone call), then explain to them why you can’t talk right now, and ask them to bring it up later. This is much better than silencing them completely.


14. Pushing them to fend for themselves.

We all want our children to be independent and mature. But if you’re leaving them to do their own thing while you do your own thing, you’re not teaching them to be independent – you’re teaching them that they’re not worth your time (even if that’s not the message you’re trying to send). From a psychological standpoint, your kids are much more likely to be independent at a younger age if you lead them. Have them help you prepare food, show them how to do their chores the right way, and walk them through things. There’s a reason that kids have guardians until they’re older – you’re supposed to show them the ropes. If you don’t, it’s neglect, whether you want to believe that or not.


15. Trying to be their best friend.

It can be really tempting to try and be your kid’s best friend, especially if you’re a single parent, but this is not the right way to go about things. Just as you shouldn’t leave your kids to do everything on their own, you shouldn’t try to take away their right to a parent, either. If they do something wrong, they need to be taught that it’s wrong. They need a leader, an authority figure (preferably two or more). In time, as they grow up, they will see you as more of a friend – but that shouldn’t come until after they’re healthy, well-adjusted adults.


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7 Ways Step-Children Love Differently

I am a proud step-child. My parents were never right for each other, and despite all the bad advice going around where people say “you should stay together for the child” – they chose to do what was actually right, and to split up. Of course, I was still very young when they split up (they already knew they were wrong for each other before I was even born), but out of that mess I had something extra special: I ended up with four parents, where many of my friends only had two (some, only one).

For a long time, my step-parents actually did quite a bit more of my raising than my parents did. It’s not that my parents didn’t care, but it was often easier for my step-parents to handle things. My stepmother, for example, often worked nights, where my dad worked through the day. My stepdad was injured for a while, which meant he was home with me while my mom was at work. And, in some ways, I think that worked out to my benefit.

My step-parents also knew I was gay before my biological parents knew – or, at least before they acknowledged it. I remember growing up, my stepmom always made a point to tell me, “It’s okay to be gay.” By the same token, my dad tried to get me to stay in the closet for a little longer. My stepdad and I would go park by the lake and check out girls together, a few years before my mom started trying to set me up with every lesbian she knew.

(Thankfully, she only knew a few – I’m not really comfortable with my mom picking my girlfriend for me!)

Even when things got rocky, my step-parents were there for me – giving me the affection that my parents weren’t always able to, and basically picking up the slack whenever it was necessary. My stepmom has actually been divorced from my dad for almost ten years now, but I still talk to her more than I talk to him – and, in fact, I’m going to see her next weekend. The relationship a kid has with their step-parent is completely different than the relationship they have with anyone else in their lives, but (at least in my case) the step-parent helps shape the way they love in the future.


1. Step-children are all good with “ready-made families”.

Since our childhood revolved around someone who didn’t have to be there, but chose to be, we like the idea of being that person for someone else, too. I actually decided when I was very young that I’d rather adopt than have biological children. Whether I change my mind in the future is still up for discussion, but I’ve dated a number of women who had children, and the kids have never been a question to me.


2. Step-children know the difference between “want to” and “have to”.

Children who didn’t grow up with step-parents might feel the need to stay with someone because you love them. But step-children know that sometimes breaking up is the better option, because you have the chance to find someone who’s so much better than the person you’re unhappy with. If we stay with someone, it’s because they make us happy in ways that no one else has.


3. Step-children know that sometimes it’s good to have extras.

I remember one time when I was a kid, one of the chain stores had a sale on these really ugly sweaters. Apparently my mom and my stepmom hit the same sale, because I ended up with two identical ugly sweaters – but at the time I thought they were the coolest sweaters ever, and I had two of them. Step-children appreciate having spares and back-ups of their favorite things, and they know if you accidentally buy them something they already own, it means you know their taste pretty well.


4. Step-children know how to dream – and which dreams are realistic.

Even though adult-me knows that my parents splitting up was a good thing (and, to some effect, kid-me did, too), that doesn’t mean I didn’t have dreams about my parents miraculously fixing their problems and getting back together. In these dreams, my step-parents always seemed to end up with one another, too. Over time, kid-me learned to pick apart the pieces of the dream that were absolutely not going to happen, and I learned how to dream better.


5. Step-children know how important kind words can be.

My biological parents have always had a strong resentment for one another, and unfortunately I’ve gotten caught in the middle of that more times than I can count. But my step-parents were always the ones who came in and shut down the bad-parent-talk – reminding my biological parents that I was too young to hear the negative things about my other parent, because at six years old, an attack on your parent feels like an attack on half of yourself.


6. Step-children are grateful for the people who stick around.

There have been a lot of people who have come and gone from my life – some of them were step-parent-figures who just didn’t make the cut. But like I said above, I still talk to my stepmom on a regular basis, even though legally she’s lost her title. She’s still the woman who helped raise me, and just like she stood by me when she didn’t have to, I’m going to stick by her when I don’t have to.


7. Step-children will do whatever it takes to make it work – and they know you don’t have to stay in a bad relationship just because there’s a kid involved.

I hear so many people say that I “wouldn’t understand” their situation, because they have a child with their no-good cheating partner, so they can’t leave. But I do understand – I understand so well. While it’s important that a child has access to their parents if possible, that doesn’t mean that a bad relationship can magically be made better just because there’s a kid. Step-children know that a break-up doesn’t mean that they can’t still talk to their child – and they would never keep their child from the other parent(s).

Will Becoming A Parent Change Your Relationship With Your Partner? (Video)

Preparing your relationship for kids is not an easy task. However, getting through the first few years after having children is an even bigger challenge.

Here are some fantastic tips from two moms (Brandy Black and Susan Howard) who know.

Be sure to watch more videos at The Next Family


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22 Thoughts You Have When Your Siblings Start Having Kids

My brothers are a lot older than me. I’m talking like already done with puberty by the time I was born – yeah, I was not a planned pregnancy. As a result, I’ve been an auntie since the third grade – and I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it.

There are some special perks to this special position, of course, and there are some special responsibilities, too. If your siblings are just about to start having kids – and you’re definitely not there yet – I’m sure you can relate to these 22 thoughts.


1. This is great – I can just borrow a kid any time I get baby fever!

It’s like rent-a-baby.


2. This little baby is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

(At least until I have my own kids.)


3. But wait – if my brothers are having kids now… and I’m waiting for another 20 years or so…

…won’t my kid be too young to play with his or her cousins?


4. Maybe my brothers can just have more kids later.

Yeah, that’ll work.


5. I could get used to being “Auntie.”

Although my official title is Aunt B – only a couple of them call me Auntie, or Barbara. I’ll totally answer to it, too.


6. That’s got a nice ring to it.

When you have nieces and nephews at a young age, you love the authority of the title.


7. This picture would make a great background for my phone.

Cue 300 photos of your niece(s) and/or nephew(s).


8. And this picture is my absolute favorite – along with this one, and this one, and…

…and of course, you’ve got to show them to anyone who’s willing to look.


9. My nieces and nephews are so much cuter than so-and-so’s baby.

When you’ve got cute little ones, you can’t help but think they’re better than other babies. Because they’re your rent-a-babies, and they’re the best.


10. I wonder if people think this is my baby?

My nieces and nephews have, on occasion, been mistaken for my kids. And I don’t really see a need to correct them, right?


11. I need my baby!

Fun fact: When you have nieces and nephews, it’s probably a good idea to keep a car seat in your car. Just in case of emergency adventures (or trips to get ice cream).


12. Oh, don’t cry – I love you!

Because, inevitably, your nieces and nephews are going to want to go back home to their parents – but you’re determined to try your best to make them happy with you instead.


13. Can’t you just stay little forever?

Since I was 7 when my first nephew was born, that means he’s just about to graduate high school now. I think he’s even about to have a baby of his own, and I am just not ready yet.


14. My gifts will need to be super-extra-special.

Note to self: If you’re going to crochet something for them, make sure it’s a blanket. Kids hate scratchy sweaters, and they just don’t understand doilies and coasters.


15. How much gas money do I need to get to them?

One of my nephews lives across the country from me, but he’s going to be moving back this way in a few months. One lives a few hours away, with the brother I don’t really get along with. But the rest – the ones I see most often – are only a ten minute drive. (Which, of course, means I kidnap them every weekend.)


16. I need a bigger clothing budget.

My niece has a drawer in my dresser because she’s over here so much – and, admittedly, I spend more money than I should in filling it up for her.


17. I need a bigger toy budget, too.

Because no matter how many coloring books I buy them, they still end up taking mine.


18. I can’t wait to be the cool gay aunt.

And the amount of pride you hear when one of your nephews tells his uncool friend that he needs to “get over” the fact that you’re gay? Pure joy.


19. I think I’m ready for a baby!

As much as I take my nieces and nephews to get rid of the baby fever, it doesn’t really work, since the second they fall asleep in my bed, it all surges back – someday, this will be my everyday.


20. I am definitely not ready for a baby.

Truth be told, I’m barely ready to have pets – one of the perks of nieces and nephews is that you can send them home after. Thankfully lesbians have a pretty good birth control method… Wink wink.


21. This kid is going to be my everything.

While you’re still figuring out whether you’re ready for kids or not, your nieces and nephews are like your “practice kids”. You get the freedom of being able to send them home when you’ve had your fill, and also the freedom to pick them up pretty much whenever you want.


22. My brothers are so going to owe me.

If I charged my brothers for babysitting these little hellions, I wouldn’t need to work – but instead, I’m just racking up some free babysitting credit of my own. Score.

6 Things Kids Can Teach You About Money

Kids are a wonderful part of our lives. Whether you have children of your own, children you get paid to take care of, or even nieces and nephews who think you’re the coolest ever (I fall into that last category there, but I’ve fallen into #2 before, too), kids offer a wealth of creativity and insight that you otherwise might not think about.

Truly, childlike innocence is something that should be preserved. Often, when going through puberty, we find ourselves rebelling from the instincts of a child, despite knowing that they’ve done pretty well for us so far. But one of the things we value most about Grown Up Life (that is, money and our finances)… Kids probably have figured out way better than we do.

What tips can you pick up from your favorite young person?


Kids expect to get a great value – every time.

As adults, we often see listed prices and make a quick decision as to whether we can afford it or not. But kids don’t do that. They expect to be able to take $1 into a toy store, pick out their favorite thing, and walk out with change. We might even tell them “It doesn’t work like that.” But why not?

Instead of squashing their hopes for a good deal, consider adding some negotiations into your own shopping routine. Of course, this is more likely to work with small mom-and-pop stores than it is at the national chains, but if you talk to the right people, you might be able to get coupons, BOGOs, and other great deals.

Stores don’t always advertise these things, because they cut into their profits. But I used to work at an overpriced retailer that literally had a “never say no” policy – if the customer asked for a coupon, we were instructed to say “We usually send coupons out in our mailers, but I will apply it for you this time.” Then we gave them 20% off their order. This retailer was a giant national chain, and they had negotiations built into their business model!

Of course, sometimes you’ll be asked to sign up for their mailer when you receive the “bonus coupon”. Take it! Everyone likes getting stuff in their mailbox, and when the things you get can save you money, it’s even better.


Kids get excited about saving.

Even if your kid-of-choice loves to spend their money, they usually enjoy the act of putting something into savings. There is such joy associated with dropping their change into a piggy bank and then counting it all up when the bank is full.

Try to go back to the days when you enjoyed saving, too. It’s often difficult for us to get excited about saving, but that’s because we’re looking at it the wrong way. Instead of thinking “Oh boy – I’m collecting something!” like a kid would, we think, “Oh no – I’m not allowed to spend this!”

Try to find a way to make saving fun again. Try competing with your savings – instead of making it all about what you’re missing out on. Consider setting up a “found money” collection. This can be something as simple as the change you find on the ground, to finding ways you can cut costs in day to day life. (Do you really need the biggest specialty drink, or would a smaller one with an extra shot of caffeine work just as well? It’s not hard to find ways to save, it’s just hard to force ourselves into the savings, but over time it can turn into habit.)

Whoever wins the “found money challenge” can either choose to spend half of their savings (and keep the rest building up) or they can choose what is done with the money – a special vacation, perhaps, or a dinner date to that expensive restaurant you thought you couldn’t afford. Try it out, and see if turning saving into a game can help you get your money on track!


Kids ask questions. All. The. Time.

I have a nephew who went through this phase of asking questions about everything. “Why is the grass green?” “What type of grass is this?” “How old is it?” “Does it smell the same as other grass?” “What’s the difference between grass and a weed?” … And all this was on the same walk.

At some point when we grow up, we start to feel guilty and embarrassed about asking questions. This is why Google gets the majority of people’s questions – but that’s not bad, either. As long as you’re asking questions to a reliable source, or a source you consider reliable to help you find a better source, you should get the answer you need.

When it comes to your money, you should be asking questions whenever anything doesn’t make sense. Does your bank charge their monthly fee on a different day every month? Ask them what their actual billing cycle is, so that you can plan for these fees. If you see anything listed as a miscellaneous charge, feel free to bring it up with the billing party – and see if you can dispute it, if you don’t agree with the fee. Most places would rather lose a few dollars on one of their fees than to lose you as a customer completely.

(Last year I got my bank to reverse four account maintenance fees, two overdraft fees, and even a few refunds for trials that I forgot to cancel. Trust me, asking questions works. This is probably why they make you wait on hold so long – they’re hoping you’ll forget most of your questions!)


Kids love change.

Have you ever seen a kid get really excited about small change on the ground? I know when I was a kid, my house had a rule. Any change that fell out in the laundry (whether the pile of dirty clothes or directly into the washing machine) was mine. It was used as a bribe to get me to do my chores, but it had another bonus too: At the end of the year, I usually had over $200 to roll up and put into my bank account.

Somewhere along the way, we start to devalue change even more than it already is. Keep the change, we say. After all, it’s a negligible amount. But those little amounts do add up over time – often very fast!

Carrying around all that change can be heavy after a while, though, and it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to keep it on your person at all times. This is a good thing – use it! You should have one dedicated spot to put your change to save it up for a day when you really need it. For me, that place is the center console of my car. I’m usually in the car when I get change, or if I’m not, I’ll be in my car soon. Then, if something comes up (like no food in the house the day before payday – yikes!) I know where it is and I can use it as I need to.

Many bank accounts now offer a service called “keep the change” or something similar. These services refer to the total balance being rounded up to the next dollar, and the “change” being deposited directly into a savings account for you. Ask your bank if they have such a service – some might not advertise it as loudly as others do.

If your bank doesn’t do automatic transfers of this nature, that doesn’t mean you can’t adopt the practice. Just keep track of your spending and manually transfer the “change” into your savings account at the end of the week. If you have an interest-bearing savings account, every little bit will help, and you could be surprised at how quickly it adds up!


Kids love to trade.

Human civilization started with bartering as the main form of currency, so it makes sense that kids will hold onto this basic instinct. For some reason, we “outgrow” it at a certain point – but we really shouldn’t. Trading helps people to get things that they really want with something that they used to want, that someone else wants now. It should go without saying that this is the best way to make the most out of your money.

There are websites devoted to swapping things like kids’ clothes, books, sports equipment, video games, and so much more. If you’re hesitant about swapping with total strangers, sight unseen, you can always visit a local swap meet. Not all areas will have one, but often all it takes is a travel to a bigger metropolitan area. Trading and barter are still alive and well – you just have to know where to look!

If you’re unable to get to an area where swap meets are held, consider holding your own. I routinely “clothes swap” with my friends who are similar sizes. We all collect a bin full of clothes that we no longer like, that are in decent condition, and then get together to try things on.

Some thrift stores may even take trades, but you have to check beforehand. Often thrift stores are used to benefit a charity organization, so it’s best if you offer to swap with something that has a greater value than the item you’re hoping to get. In fact, unless you’re swapping with close friends, it’s always better to offer better than what you’re requesting – and it makes it more likely that your trade will go off without a hitch.


Kids make their “wants” well-known.

If your favorite kid wants something, he or she is going to say so. A lot. Maybe this has something to do with “consciousness-creates-reality” thinking; after all, if we want something bad enough, we’re more likely to make it happen. But are we willing it to us or are we doing what we need to do to make sure we get it? The lines aren’t really clear, and it’ll probably be different from one situation to the next.

As adults, we’re taught that our “wants” and our “needs” are to be kept completely separate, and that declaring what we want makes us spoiled somehow. This is very rarely actually true. You should have a clear plan of the things you want out of life, and you should have a general idea of how to achieve it.

Want that raise? Ask for it! “I helped bring in x amount of money last quarter, and I think that a raise of x% would really help to reflect this and motivate me to continue improving the company.” Maybe your request won’t be set up just like this, but it helps to have an idea going in.

Other areas you might want to speak up include at the doctor’s office (Is there a cheaper, generic form of this drug that I can use – and can you authorize that on my prescription?); the bank (I don’t want to pay my checking fee – what do I need to do to avoid it? – In my personal experience, they will sometimes just remove it for you, but you have to ask); even at your local grocery store (Do you have a loyalty program I could sign up for?).

When you put your “wants” out into the world, the worst thing that can happen is that someone will tell you “no”. And you never know, you could get exactly what you want! It goes a little deeper than that, though. You need to actually understand what you want, first, and sometimes the best way to get it won’t be by asking, but by working hard to make it happen.

Having a clear plan for how you’ll achieve your goals is necessary to make them happen – the things that are most worth having will require an effort on your part. If you had everything handed to you without having to work for it, you’d just get spoiled, and likely not appreciate the things you do get – so make sure you’re keeping up your end of the deal, too.

A New Approach For Parents? Help Your Child Be Happy, Not Just Successful

When it comes to raising your children, you and your partner are going to have your own opinions on how to raise them as well as have your own notions of what it means to have a “happy” child.

With that in mind, there are also some great ways that are backed up by science and studies that can help supplement your child’s happiness.

Here’s a look at five ways to that are proven to help raise a happier child…


Nurture Your Marriage (or current relationship)

Don’t let your relationship with your wife (or girlfriend if the two of you aren’t married) fall by the wayside once a child enters your life. Whether you chose to have a baby biologically or adopt, you’re definitely in for a change, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect each other.

You have to care for each other as much as the two of you are caring for the baby too.


Don’t Be Afraid to Lighten Up

Studies have found that joking around with your toddler helps set them up for social success. They are less likely to get defensive when with their peers and will definitely be much more light-hearted when it comes to joking around.

Plus…laughter is good medicine for the heart and soul. Also, when parents joke around and pretend, it helps younger children to think creatively, manage stress, and make friends more easily.


Foster Self-Compassion

When children learn self-compassion from their parents, they are not only going to be more self-aware, but more aware of the world around them in general.

When talking about self-compassion, we mean a sense of mindfulness, common humanity, empathy for others, and the ability to manage emotions and thoughts without repressing them or overreacting to them.


Be Positive

While this may be a pretty obvious tip, it’s still a very important part of raising a happy child. Children you come from a household who express negative emotions toward their infants are more likely to end up with aggressive and angry toddlers.

That anger can then carry over into your child’s adult life. So be sure to always use positive reinforcement with your child, and also be positive with your partner, as children pretty much take in everything their parents do.


Know Your Child

It goes without saying that every child is going to be different. That’s why it’s important to be in tune with him or her and make sure you recognize if there are any behavioral changes or anything that would suggest that your child is not feeling happy.

Studies have found that parents who tailor their parenting style to each child’s personality will be less likely to deal with anxiety and depression in their child. And if your child is already well-adjusted…don’t hover over them. That can not only cause anxiety, but also hurt their fragile self-esteem.


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5 Scientific Reasons Why Two Moms are Better Than One

Okay, we don’t need scientists to tell us that having two moms rocks, right? But it would be pretty cool to have some scientific reasoning to help back us up.

Although research on same-sex parenting is still an emerging field, there’s evidence so far to prove what we’ve been saying all along…gay parents are awesome! But why are we so successful at being parents? Here’s a look at the scientific reasoning when it comes to why same-sex couples make great parents…


Gay Parents Foster Tolerance

A child growing up in a gay household is much more likely to approach the world with an open mind and more empathy. Not only that, but they are most likely going to be accepting of all types of people since they come from an “alternative” type of family.


Gay Parents Choose to Have Kids

There’s no such things as an “oops” baby for a gay couple. They have to plan to have a baby, whether it be through adoption or biologically, making them more motivated and committed than some of their heterosexual counterparts…not to mention, they are more prepared and aren’t likely to consider a child an accident.


Kids From Same-Sex Households Do Just as Well in School

Studies have found that there really isn’t much of a difference with grade performance when it comes to children from heterosexual households versus same-sex ones. So there’s really no basis to the argument that a child with two mothers or two fathers will do worse in school because he or she has been brought up in a same-sex household.

 


Gay Parents Nurture the Neediest

Gay parents are more likely to adopt minority, at risk, or children whose cases are either special circumstances or at risk. More than half of these children also have special needs. A study found that more than half of gay men and at least 41 percent of lesbian couples will adopt in the United Stated alone. That’s a huge number of great potential parents to help with the hundreds of thousands of children who are currently stuck in foster care.


Gay Parents Raise Confident Children

Yup…this was based on a study as well. It found that raising a child in a same-sex household can give kids a boost of confidence. This may circle back to gay parents choosing to have children, therefore being more involved in their child’s life (which definitely helps boosts self-esteem in child). Or it could just be that gay parents really do just rock…we’ll leave that up to you do decide…


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Mommy-To-Be-Wear: 5 Tips For Buying Maternity Clothes

When you’re expecting, (especially if it’s your first child), you’re probably thinking of more things related to the baby than yourself.

But what happens when your favorite pair of jeans just don’t fit anymore over your growing belly bump? Does that mean…it’s time for the dreaded maternity wear?

It all depends on what you feel most comfortable in, plus, maternity clothes have come a long way from a time when women didn’t have much to choose from aside from a few frumpy looking tops and elastic pants.

So what should you look for when shopping for your maternity wear? Here’s a look at 5 tips to consider to help make shopping for you and your baby bump a bit easier…


Look For Comfortable Fabrics

The ideal maternity wear will last through several pregnancy stages, so it’s important to choose well-made, high quality items that are made from strong and stretchy fabric. You want a fabric that will grow with you but will remain snug enough to support your body changes. Look for breathability, durability, and softness in the fabric, as well as the stretch factor. Fabrics like bamboo, modal, and cotton tend to be the best choices for comfort and breathability.


Keep Sizing in Mind

A lot of pregnant women are told that they should pick out maternity wear in the same size they wore prior to getting pregnant. That’s not really a good piece of advice to follow since not all maternity clothes are designed for pre-pregnancy sizes. It’s definitely a good idea to try things on to see how specific brands fit on you. And don’t forget to check the label to see if the fabric is pre-shrunk and how they base their sizing for a more proper fit.


Don’t Get Plus-Sized Clothing

Many women make the mistake of just buying regular clothes in sizes that are too large, or opt for getting plus-sized clothing. This is a bad idea, because you’ll end up with clothes that are too loose and baggy, and won’t “give” in the right place. The right fit will not only be more flattering to your body, but will also provide the best amount of comfort, so it’s a better idea to go with maternity clothing instead. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.


Don’t Forget the Essentials

Because well-made maternity clothing can get a bit pricey, it’s a good idea to shop for quality over quantity. Lower quality clothing is more likely to fall apart quickly in the wash, shrink, or lose its shape and support. Set yourself a budget for your maternity wear, and be sure to include everyday favorites in your investment. Maternity jeans, basic maternity tank tops, t-shirts, and camisoles, a maternity dress, and maternity leggings should be at the top of the list. That way you can mix and match with your regular wardrobe and layer as necessary.

Look Out For Maternity Features

Be on the lookout for the following features when it comes to shopping for your maternity clothes to ensure a stylish and comfortable fit:

  • Adjustable waist bands (drawstring is a good choice)
  • All solids or patterns that create a slimming effect
  • Extra-long torso room for the growing belly
  • Extra length in the torso for dresses and tops
  • Empire waist in dresses and tops
  • Ruching on the side for tops and on the waist for bottoms

Keep a lookout for a butch girl’s guide to maternity wear coming soon…


Image source:Hayley & Nat from @twomummas | Kristen from Melbourne based Paperfox Studio in Australia. www.paperfoxstudio.com @


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How To Explain Sperm Donation To Your Child

The number of babies conceived through assisted reproduction technologies is steadily on the rise.

And for those who are using sperm donors to build their families, one of the most delicate issues that can arise as parents is how to talk to your children about the donors and the whole process in general.

When is the right time to discuss it with your child? And what exactly should you and your partner say to them?

Here’s a look at some tips to help when talking with your children about his or her donor.


Start Early

The longer you wait to tell your child, the harder it’s going to be for you and your partner to bring it up naturally. It’s never too early to tell the truth. In fact, some experts suggest telling your child about it while they are still in the womb so that you can get used to telling it to them when the time comes. Be matter of fact about it as though it’s not a big deal. If it’s not a big deal to your child’s two mommies, then it’s not going to be a big deal to him or her either. It’s also important to focus on your family rather than the details. Remind your child that both mommies loved each other very much and wanted to have a baby.


Distinguish Between Donor and Parent

As your child grows, he or she might start asking why they don’t have a “dad.” This is the time when it’s important to discuss with them the difference between a parent and a donor. Let them know that all families are different. What’s important is that there are two mothers that love them very much…that you two are the parents. Let them know that a donor doesn’t mean a father.


Keep the Conversation Going

Your child may continue to have questions as he or she gets older, especially once they learn about the birds and the bees, so to speak. So it’s important to always keep the doors of communication open when it comes to any questions they might have about the donor process. Think of a way that is easy for them to understand, and make sure they know that they were born out of their two mommies’ love for each other.


Acknowledge and Respect Your Child’s Feelings

Children are clear on who their parents are, so don’t be afraid of discussing any question they might have. It’s most likely they just want to understand things and are curious, like all children. Children can understand their donor origins and still know they are loved and celebrated by their family. But they may still experience complex emotions about it all, so encourage your child to talk about any emotions they may be feeling.


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What’s in a Name? Things To Consider Before Naming Your Baby

What’s in a name? Well…pretty much everything. Your child is going to have to live with his or her name the rest of her life, so picking out the perfect name isn’t something to be taken lightly. But how do parents chose the perfect name for their child?

From researching name meanings to passing down a family name, there are quite a lot of factors to consider when it comes to picking that perfect name. Here’s a look at some tips to consider when it comes to naming their child…


Be Careful With Current Popular Names

If you’re looking for a unique name for your baby, be sure to do your research on the trending popular names. What you may think is a unique name may also be deemed “unique” to millions of other parents too. Sites like BabyNameWizard.com and Nameberry.com are great resources to use when it comes to checking whether a certain name is trending up or down.


How Does the Name Sound with Your Surname?

Although you might think it’s cute for your baby to have a rhyming first and last name, or a name that’s really similar to your surname, think about how that may affect your child in the future. Do you really want him to be teased for having a name that’s really easy to mock or make fun of? Instead of looking for a first name that jives with your last name, pick one that flows with it.


Avoid Names with Unfortunate Connotations

It doesn’t matter how much you and your partner love a certain name, if it reminds you of something negative, like an ex-girlfriend or someone who bullied you in high school…whatever the unfortunate connotation, don’t name your child that name. It’s also wise to avoid baby names that will be the same as a celebrity. For instance, if your surname is Beckham, don’t name your child Victoria. Unless of course, you’re a hard core Spice Girls fan…but even then…it’s weird.


Don’t Go With Weird Spellings

This will save both you and your child from having to endlessly correct the pronunciation of the name. We all had that one kid in school whose name was always messed up by the teacher during roll call, so why put your child through that? Before going with an oddly-spelled name, test it out with friends and relatives first. If they have a hard time pronouncing it like you intend, then it’s time to rethink that spelling or chose another name altogether.


Do You Both Love the Name?

Finding a name you both like can be a tricky thing. But it’s something you both must agree on. If your partner doesn’t like a favorite name of yours, don’t force it. It’s best to find some common ground instead. Both of you can make a list of names you like and go from there. You can eliminate names together and then chose which ones make the final cut.


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Kid & Questions: How to Explain Your Same-Sex Family To Other People’s Children

Children are curious. And there’s no way of escaping all of the inevitable questions that are going to come your way in general as a parent.

But as same-sex parent’s you may find yourselves fielding a whole new set of questions when it comes to your children’s friends. So what are you supposed to do whenever your child gets asked why he or she has two mommies? Well, your first instinct may be to say something along the lines of “Our family is none of your business!”

However, that’s probably not going to solve much of anything, and you may risk isolating your child. So here’s a look at some way to help your child explain your family to friends instead…


Simply State the Facts

Family’s come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and diversity. And whether you’re gay or straight, there are many ways in which people can become parents. Let your child know their family history. Keep it straightforward and simply, that way if he or she is met with having to explain his or her family to another curious child, they can do it in the same way they were told by you.


Normalize Your Family

Children will treat information the same way you and your partner do. So if you want your child to feel at ease answering questions about their two mommies, then the two of you need to feel at ease discussing it with them. Once again, it’s important to be straightforward and up front with your children. Let them know that just because there are two mothers in the household, that doesn’t mean they are any different from any other family. Talk with them about normal things you do as a family that other families most probably do as well.


Don’t Be Defensive

Other kids may still be curious about your child’s same-sex family even after answering questions and explaining. So if you find your child is still being questioned, don’t get defensive. While it’s your motherly instinct to defend and protect your child, as long as it’s truly curiosity and the other children wanting to understand, there’s nothing to really get defensive about. However, it’s always a good idea to always be aware of what’s going on with your child to make sure nothing is leading to bullying. Always encourage your child to be open with you and your partner, as you two should do the same for him or her.


Families = Love

When children have questions about same-sex families, it’s not about sex, it’s about love. When they think of families, they think of people who love them unconditionally. This is a good explanation to give to your child in response to questions about them having two moms. When it comes down to it, really the only answer your child needs is a response along the lines of: “My parents are my parents because they love me and they love each other.” Simple as that…and children are good with simple.


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Toddler Battles: 10 {Fun & Unexpected} Ways to Get Your Kids To Sleep

What parent hasn’t experienced that struggle or “bedtime battle” when it comes to trying to get your children to sleep. More often than not, it’s not because your child is trying to pick a fight, they truly just don’t want to go to bed.

Whether they feel like they’ll miss out on something while they sleep (don’t all kids think their parents do all the fun stuff when they have to go to bed?), or maybe they’re afraid of the dark or are just excited for something that’s coming up in the week, there could be many reasons why your child is giving you a hard time at night.

Here’s a look at some tips to help make bedtime less of a battle and more of a sleepy surrender…


Have Quiet Time Before Bedtime

This means no video games, movies, or television at least a half an hour before bedtime. Two hours of quiet time is actually ideal, but sometimes you may have to compromise and settle for the half hour. Either way, having no outside stimulation before bedtime will help calm your child down as well as relax them. Also, light form the television screen can actually interfere with melatonin, an important sleep hormone.


Create a Sleep-Inducing Environment

If your child doesn’t feel comfortable and safe in their bedroom, chances are they are going to have a hard time sleeping. Make sure his or her room has a welcoming atmosphere complete with favorite stuffed animals, soft sheets and pillows, and enough darkness in the room to allow your child to fall asleep easier. The more at home they feel, the less likely they are to fight you when it comes to going to bed.


Keep a Consistent Bedtime Routine

Infants, toddlers, and preschoolers do better with routines. When it comes to bedtime, don’t scrap the daily routine either. Be consistent with thing you and your child do before bedtime like perhaps first it’s bath time, next story time, and then bedtime. When you child gets into this bedtime routine, he or she will find comfort in knowing what comes next and will be more apt to fall asleep instead of fighting you to stay awake.


Address Bedtime Fears

If your child says there’s a monster under the bed, instead of dismissing his or her fears, instead try talking about it. Sometimes some simple reassurance can help them feel more at ease and protected. If that doesn’t work, then be creative with how you “protect” your child from they’re afraid of. For example, assign a specific stuffed animal as the “monster protector” or grab a can of air freshener and deem it the “monster repellant.” Your child will appreciate your efforts and take comfort in knowing they don’t have to be afraid at bedtime.


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Story Time: Children’s Books For Your LGBT Family

Reading to your children is a wonderful way to bond with them and spend quality time together, not to mention it helps them learn to love to read.

The best way to keep your child interested in reading is to find stories they can relate to and connect with. However, that can prove to be difficult when it comes to finding books that portrays a family that has two mommies… or any other type of diverse family for that matter.

Chances are, you’re going to find next to nothing in terms of LGBT-themes children’s books at your library or local bookstore. Have no fear though, we’ve compiled useful list of children’s books that celebrate having a diverse family.

Take a look at these suggestions that can be found online, or maybe you can even request your local library or bookstore to carry them…


Mommy, Mama, and Me : By Leslea Newman

This book tells the story of the everyday life of a family with two moms. It’s great for young toddlers through preschoolers, as they can easily relate to the story and what the child does with his two mommies like going to the park and having bath time. There’s also a version with two dads entitled Daddy, Papa, and Me as well.

Mommy, Mama, and Me - By Leslea Newman

Mommy, Mama, and Me - By Leslea Newman


And Tango Makes Three: By Justin Richardson

This endearing book tells the true story of two male penguins in Central Park Zoo in NYC that paired up with each other and were eventually given an egg to hatch. The result was their chick, Tango, which they raised together as a family. It’s a great example of how love and caring makes a family, not how many daddies or mommies you have.

And Tango Makes Three- By Justin Richardson


A Tale of Two Mommies: By Vanita Oelschlager

It’s got fabulously vibrant illustrations done by Mike Blanc and tells the story of two friends asking a third how his family works since he has two mommies. But they don’t want to know the questions that adults tend to over think. Instead they are curious about with one bakes the cakes and who coaches little league. In the end they find out that their friend isn’t any different from them just because he has two mommies. There’s also a dad version entitled A Tale of Two Daddies as well.

A Tale of Two Mommies- By Vanita Oelschlager


The Big Book of Families: By Mary Hoffman and Ros Asquith

Whether your family has two moms, two dads, a step-dad, or even no dad, this book pretty much covers any kind of family you can think of. It has a lot of great, funny pictures and plenty of details for even the most inquisitive child. And it will be even more fun when you get to pick out your family within the pages.

The Big Book of Families- By Mary Hoffman and Ros Asquith


Molly’s Family: By Nancy Garden

Molly draws her two mommies in her kindergarten class and gets told by classmates that she can’t have two moms. Instead of the teacher scolding the classmates, she instead teaches a lesson we could all learn from…that every family is different and that’s okay. It’s a great way to start a discussion with your child about how to handle that type of situation, should they face it in school.

Molly’s Family- By Nancy Garden


King and King: By Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland

This is a great alternative to the typical princess fairytale stories. It’s the story of a prince who is told he must marry a princess in order to inherit the throne. There’s just one problem…the prince isn’t into princesses. It’s a story about staying true to yourself and finding love…and of course, ends happily ever after.

King and King- By Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland

King and King- By Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland 02


 

Do you have any more titles to suggest? Let us know in the comments below!


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Staying One Step Ahead: 10 Warning Signs Your Child Is Being Bullied

It’ something no parent wants to hear…that their child is being bullied. With today’s hi-tech world of social media and easy access to online platforms, the issue of bullying is becoming an epidemic.

And it’s no secret that children with same-sex parents have an even bigger risk of being bullied. Since you can’t be with your child every minute of every day, one of the best ways to prevent bullying is to be aware of the warning signs.

That way you can be on the lookout for any potential changes in your child’s behavior and get on top of things before they get out of hand. Here’s a look at 10 warning signs to be on the lookout for when it comes to whether or not your child is being bullied…


1. Unexplained Physical Marks, Scrapes, Cuts, or Bruises

It could be just another day on the playground, or it could be more. Be aware of any injuries your child comes home with.


2. Afraid to Be Left Alone

Whether at the bus stop or being dropped off at school. If you’re child suddenly doesn’t want to be left alone or becomes clingy out of nowhere, this could be a sign he or she is being bullied.


3. Change in Eating Habits

Look out for the “I’m not hungry” excuse or any other changes in your child’s eating habits that seem out of the ordinary.


4. Damaged Clothes, Toys, Books, etc

If you noticed any of your child’s possessions or clothes damaged, be sure to ask what happened. Look for a direct response versus excuses. And if the damage keeps happening, definitely look into it.


5. Withdrawn Behavior

Behavior changes are a big warning sign of bullying. If your child is typically energetic and cheery and is now withdrawn, there’s a good change of bullying.


6. Acting Out

If your child is usually well-behaved and not one to act out or pick fights with you and is now suddenly doing so, he or she could be trying to deal with the anger from being bullied.


7. Doesn’t Want to Go to School

What kid actually wants to go to school, right? But in the case of bullying, they are going to be suddenly very adamant about not going…to the point where they may throw tantrums, cry, or even beg you not to make them go. If this happens, there’s a very good chance he or she is being bullied at school.


8. Sudden Drop in Grades

A drastic drop in your child’s grades can definitely indicate he or she’s being bullied. That’s why it’s always important to stay involved and keep track of their grades and progress in school.


9. Unexplained loss of Lunch Money, Toys, Electronic Devices, etc

This could mean your child was bullied into giving up something of value to either them or the bully. Be sure to keep track of your child’s belongings and find out if anything is missing and why.


10. Abnormal Physical Complaints…headache, stomachache

…or your child is making numerous trips to the nurse’s office. This could mean they are trying to avoid running into their bully and are coming up with excuses not to go to class or school in general.

One of the best ways to help your child with bullying is to be there for him or her. If you do notice some signs of it, talk to them. They may avoid the topic at first, or they may be relieved that you finally know. Either way, let them know they aren’t alone and you’ll tackle the issue together, as a family.


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Family Time: 6 Fun Ideas To Do Together

Between you and your partner’s busy work schedules juggled with your children’s after school activities and homework, family time may seem like a bit of myth in your house.

And with today’s technology of computers, texting, and televisions, spending time together as a family can feel more isolated than ever.

So if you want to spend more quality family time together but don’t know what to do, you’re in luck. Take a look at these 6 fun ideas to help get your family to enjoy spending time together again…


Schedule a Movie Night

Better yet…schedule a marathon movie night. Chose a theme together or pick and actor or actress you all like. Then agree upon a date to hold your movie night. And don’t forget about the snacks! What’s more fun than an Audrey Hepburn marathon while munching on popcorn and spending quality time with your partner and children?


Have a Backyard Campout

Pack up a picnic dinner or even build a fire and have a cookout. If you don’t have any tents, bring out a few old sheets and improvise. You can roast marshmallows and tell ghost stories by the fire. If you don’t have a backyard, then set up your own living room “campout.” It will be just as fun and give you plenty of fun family time together.


Time to Dust off the Board Games

And don’t forget about that deck of cards you know you have somewhere too. Schedule a family game night with snacks and drinks and plenty of opportunity to have a bit of friendly competition. Board games are not only full of some good, old-fashioned fun, but can also help teach your children various skills like math and vocabulary as well.


Arts and Crafts

It’s time to take a break from depending on the TV for entertainment and enjoy a bit of hands on fun. Spread out the newspaper, get out those paints or whatever materials you decide to work with and go crazy creating. Whether it’s making holiday ornaments or making a tie-dyed shirt, the possibilities are endless and you’ll have plenty of fun, quality time together to be creative.


Story Time

Young children aren’t the only ones that enjoy reading aloud. Your older kids and even you and your partner will find it to be a relaxing experience. And it’s a great way to get the family together and keep them interested in reading. You can even take turns reading aloud and see who has the best flare for the dramatic.


Have a Bake-off

…of any other type of cooking competition. Bake-offs tend to be the most fun though…especially if you’re up for a bit of a flour fight. For a fun way to have a bake-off, grab a box of cake mix from your pantry and divide it up among your family. Encourage everyone to add their own “secret ingredients.” Then bake the cakes and have a taste test. Perhaps the winner gets…the biggest slice of remaining cake? No matter the outcome, you’re bound to have plenty of fun with each other creating in the kitchen.

Above all, remember just to have fun with your family and appreciate all of those precious moments spent together.


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Are You an Anxious Parent? 5 Ways to Relieve the Worry

As a parent, you probably find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about your children. From worrying if they have all they need to wondering if they’re getting enough sleep and nutrition…there’s definitely plenty to keep your mind busy and maybe even anxious.

But you can also get caught in a negative cycle of anxiety, one that has you thinking about potential negative outcomes and questions about the future.

And while it’s okay to have some general anxiety from being a parent, too much worry can lead to poor health, both mental and physical. Here’s a look at some ways to help you relive that anxiety and relax a bit more when it comes to being a parent.


Ask What You’re Really Anxious About

When you confront what’s making you anxious, you’ll be less likely to deflect your anxiety onto your child and partner. Avoiding the problem isn’t going to help either.

You first must ask yourself what’s causing your anxiety. Once you’ve identified it, then you can address it and work through it so that it eventually doesn’t bother you again.


Identify What You Can and Can’t Control

This means focusing your efforts on things you can control in your household and letting go of the things you don’t’ have control over. Anxiety can manifest out of the things you think are out of your control. By letting go of those things you are taking control of yourself as well.


Know the Difference Between Facts and Fears

Worry and anxiety tends to come from fear of the unknown and the “what ifs.” Don’t let that way of thinking take over your mind. Instead, ask yourself if there is evidence to prove what you’re worried about.

You also need to understand what triggers your anxiety. Is it a fear coming back to haunt you from when you were your child’s age? In this case, there’s no evidence the same thing will happen to your child. It’s time to put that worry aside and move on with the present.


Stay in the Present

It’s not healthy to dwell on the “what if” scenarios about your child. Instead of letting your anxiety grow by thinking about the future, stay with the present. Be with your child and what is happening in the now.

Listen to your child and his or her’s needs in the present. From there you can help shape a positive future, leaving you with less anxiety and worry about the negatives that could happen.


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Tackling the “Terrible Twos”

Every parent has heard about it… when their little angel of a toddler suddenly becomes a tantrum throwing, not so angelic hellion on two feet…also known as the “terrible twos.”

Some experts argue that the terrible two phase is a myth and simple a stage in a child’s development. But if you and your partner are currently going through such a stage in your child’s life, it’s definitely a valid issue.

So what can you do if your child is seemingly entering the terrible twos and you’re both at wits end trying to figure out how to deal with it?

Here are some worthwhile tips to help you tackle those terrible twos and restore a bit of needed peace and serenity to your household…


Have Patience

This may be easier said than done, especially if you’re dealing with an unruly toddler who is throwing an abundance of tantrums and mood-swings with no foreseeable end in sight. While being patient might be the hardest step for you and your partner, it’s also the most important.

This means not only recognizing that you child is going through a stage, but also acknowledging that it will pass and that anger isn’t going to solve anything. Take some deep breaths, don’t respond to the moment with anger, and if you must, walk away for a bit.


Know Your Child’s Eating and Sleeping Patterns

As adults we get moody and even sometimes grouchy if we are hungry or haven’t gotten enough sleep. Children are the same way. Your child is learning about the world around them and their place in it…even at the young age of two.

Lack of sleep or missing a snack may trigger tantrums more easily. That’s why it’s important to make sure you keep your child on a consistent sleep and eating schedule.


Enforce Consequences

You can’t be a total softy with your child and expect those tantrums to just magically go away by giving them whatever they want. Giving he or she consequences when they are misbehaving is useful not only for the current terrible two phase, but also in their later development.

They will be much more disciplined and have better behavior if they know they will have to endure the consequences from bad behavior. Lay down the ground rule and make sure your child realizes the consequences if those rules are broken.

For example, if he or she pulls hair or hits when angry, let them now these actions are not acceptable and they will have a “time out” or whatever form of consequence you feel is appropriate.


Don’t Forget to Praise

This goes hand in hand with enforcing consequences when your child is misbehaving. If he or she does something that exhibits good behavior, for example putting away their toys without being told, then you should give positive reinforcement.

Acknowledge the good behavior with praise. Your child will remember your positive reactions and want more of that out of you in the future.


Turn Terrible to Terrific

With conscious effort from you and your partner, you can help transition your toddler out of the terrible twos stage. Give your child choices, praise them when they have done well, and follow a daily routine as regularly as possible.

With choices, your child will be less likely to start an argument. With positive reinforcement, they will be more likely to repeat the good behavior that garnered praise from the mommies.

And with a regular daily schedule, you’ll be less likely to find yourself in the middle of a tantrum because of a missed nap or because your child is grouchy from being hungry.


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Step Away From the Rainbow Onesie… And Other Lesbian Baby Shower Tips

When it comes to attending the baby shower of a lesbian couple, whether you are also a lesbian or happen to be straight, there really shouldn’t be a difference between a same-sex baby shower versus one thrown by a straight couple.

The truth is, lesbian parents are going to need the same things as straight parents to raise and care for their baby. So there’s really no need to treat a lesbian baby shower any differently than any other shower you’ve been to.

But if you’re still struggling with what to do, how to act, or what to get the baby and moms to be, here are some helpful tips to help you avoid a potentially awkward shower moment…


Get Usual Baby Gifts

Just because it’s a lesbian couple, doesn’t mean you should get everything in rainbow print or bright rainbow-like colors. Let’s face it, this isn’t a gay pride parade, it’s a baby shower. Stick with the typical cute baby outfits and toys. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the diapers…lots and lots of diapers.

nice-lesbian-familiy-31


Recognize Both Moms to Be

This is important since both women will be taking equal responsibility with raising the baby. Don’t assume that one will take on a “mother” role while the other takes the “father” role. The couple will create their own blend of roles unique to them. It’s not up to you to figure that out for them.


Don’t Ask Who the Father Is

This is lesbian no-no 101. Whether it’s your first lesbian baby shower or not, you should never ask the couple this question. First of all, it’s really none of your business. And secondly, you’re basically insinuating to the moms to be that they are not going to be adequate enough to raise their child without a father figure. Even if you know the circumstances behind the pregnancy, this is never an appropriate question to ask.


Don’t Over-think It

Chances are if you were invited to the shower, you’re close to one of the moms to be or both. Just because it’s a lesbian couple doesn’t mean different rules apply. Over-thinking what kind of gift to give or what to say to the couple is too much unnecessary stress. Put any preconceived notions aside and just have fun at the shower with your friends.


Express Your Happiness for the Couple

It’s a universal gesture to offer your congratulations to the couple at a baby shower, as well as expressing how happy you are for them. It shouldn’t be any different for a lesbian couple. Chances are you were invited to the shower because you’re a friend anyway, so it goes without saying that you’ll be happy for them and their soon to be new family.


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Getting Pregnant: Known Donor vs. Sperm Bank – Which To Choose?

So you and your partner have decided to get pregnant…congratulations on the big decision. Now it’s time for the next big choice…should you use a sperm donor you know, or should you go with the anonymity of a sperm bank?

Both options can have their pros and cons, and it’s definitely an important choice to make. Just remember that there is no wrong or right choice. There’s only the choice that fits the needs of you and your partner.

Here’s a look at the advantages and disadvantages of choosing a known donor versus a sperm bank…

Known Donor:

Many lesbian couples tend to consider this as an option first, since they already know the donor and can get an idea of what the child may look like, any health issues that could arise, and the overall personality of the potential friend or acquaintance that will be donating.

But there are other factors to consider if you and your partner decide to go the known donor route….

The Pros of a Known Donor:

  • Fresh Sperm: Yeah, it may sound gross, but the reality here is that sperm from a sperm bank is going to be frozen. Fresh sperm gives you more of a change from the insemination to take, which increases your chances of getting pregnant.
  • Known Medical History, Physical Appearance…etc: You won’t have to play much of a guessing game in terms of how your child will look physically, or what his or her personality will be like since you already know the donor. Plus you have the advantage of knowing any medical issues that could come up.
  • Co-Parenting Potential: This is only if it’s wanted. Most lesbian couples may choose to not have the known donor in the child’s life as a father or caretaker, but the option is always there if you find you need help or just want your child to know the donor.

Cons of a Known Donor:

  • Visitation Rights Potential: There’s always that “maybe” that your known donor may want to sue for visitation rights or custody. While that doesn’t mean it will happen, it might be something that will always stay at the back of your mind, causing unnecessary stress.
  • Differences of Opinion: If you do chose to keep him in your child’s life, his opinion on how to raise him or her may differ from you and your partners, causing conflict. Always keep this in mind if you choose to include the known with raising your son or daughter.
  • Costs Can Add Up: While the sperm may be free, other costs can arise such as the legal fees for drawing up contracts, sperm analysis. STD testing, and any other tests that may need to be done. You may also have to pay for travel expenses if your donor lives a large distance from you and your partner.

Sperm Bank:

It’s a popular choice from all types of couples, including the lesbian couple. That’s because of the anonymity as well as the convenience of knowing the sperm is viable and tested for diseases.

Here are some things to consider if you and your partner decide to get pregnant with a sperm bank…

Pros of a Sperm Bank:

  • Waived Parental Rights: Sperm donors are required to waive all parental rights. This means you’ll never have to worry about an unexpected visit from the donor or legal fights for custody. Essentially, once you buy the sperm, you own it.
  • Disease Screening: Tests for common STDs and genetic diseases are already done by the sperm bank, so you don’t have to worry about having it done yourself.
  • Open or Known Donor Options: A lot of sperm banks offer this option. It means that the donor would be willing to be contacted when the child turns eighteen, if you and your partner agree to this, of course.

Cons of a Sperm Bank:

  • Expensive: It’s definitely not cheap to get sperm through a sperm bank. With all of that convenience and tested sperm comes a price…and it’s usually very high. Be sure it’s an investment you and your partner can handle financially.
  • Frozen Sperm: The frozen sperm isn’t going to be as fast-moving or fast-acting as fresh sperm. This could make the getting pregnant process a bit longer than desired. So you’ll have to have patience if using a sperm donor from a sperm bank
  • Impersonal: While anonymity works for most couples, you still don’t know everything about the donor like you would if you have a known donor in mind.

 

When it comes to making the important decision of what kind of sperm donation to use, you and your partner need to sit down and discuss the options, pros and cons, and what you think will work best for the both of you.

Taking the time will make a big difference on not only your child’s future, but you and your partner’s as well.

5 Key Tips For Finding A Lesbian-Friendly Pediatrician

Searching for a pediatrician to care for your child can often times seem like a long and daunting task, no matter the sexual orientation of the couple.

After all, this is the person that is going to look after the well-being, health, and growth of your newborn well into his or her teen years, so choosing the right fit is a definite must.

However, for same-sex couples, finding a pediatrician can sometimes be even more difficult or even a bit scary. There’s no question that discrimination against LGBT couples in the medical world does exist, but that shouldn’t discourage you from finding the best possible care for your child.

Here are some helpful tips to consider when looking for an LGBT-friendly pediatrician…


Do Your Research

There are some really great resources out there when it comes to searching for the right pediatrician.

Check out The Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA) or The Human Rights Campaign Healthcare Equality Index websites for directories of healthcare providers that could be well-suited for you, your partner, and your child.

Doing the proper research prior to your child’s birth is also ideal since you don’t want to be stuck without a pediatrician after he or she is born, and the process of searching and interviewing can take quite a lot of time.


Ask for Referrals from Friends

Word of mouth is one of the best ways to find a pediatrician. Ask your same-sex couple friends who are parents who their pediatrician is and if they are happy with them.

You can also ask your same-sex friends who don’t have children who their healthcare provider is to see if their office can refer you to a pediatrician that is LBGT-friendly.


Set Up Interviews

If you’ve found a doctor you think might potentially be a good fit, set up an appointment so that you and your partner can get a feel for him or her. Be sure to write down any questions you might have.

It’s also important to make sure the doctor feels comfortable answering any questions you might have in the same manner he or she would with a straight couple, as well as making sure both parents are interacted with equally.

You don’t want a pediatrician who feels that one of you is more of the “parent” than the other.


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Honesty is the Best Policy

Make sure you are up front with your potential pediatrician right from the start. It’s not only important to be open and honest about your sexuality, but also with your intent to raise the child in a same-sex household.

And as with any doctor, be open and honest about your medical histories as well as with any concerns either of you may have.


Work With Your Doctor

Whether it’s the first time your chosen doctor has worked with an LGBT family, or they have plenty of experience with same-sex couples, don’t be afraid to help your doctor with any questions he or she might have.

All of you have the child’s best interests at heart, so working together will ensure the child will be as healthy and happy as they can be…and the mommies will be just as happy knowing their child is in good, caring hands!

Baby Planning 101: 5 Things To Do Before The Newborn Arrival

When the time is nearing for your baby to arrive, things can get a bit hectic around the house.

And while you and your partner have probably gone over the newborn necessities checklist so many times you can recite it by heart, there’s a chance you may have missed something in all of the baby planning chaos.

Here’s a look at a few things that will help you maximize that checklist and get you as prepared as two new moms can possibly be for the big change that’s about to come your way


Choose a Paediatrician

Although this seems like an obvious thing to do, it can often times be forgotten until parents realize their baby is sick. And if you haven’t chosen a pediatrician before your child is born, it can be difficult to find one at the last minute that you entrust your child’s wellbeing with.

So take your time before the birth to find the perfect pediatrician fit for you.

A good way to do this it through recommendations from friends and family. And don’t be afraid to make calls and set up consultations to help you find the right doctor.


Freeze Meals Ahead of Time

Once the baby is home, it’s going to be a hectic and stressful time, not to mention tiring. Let’s face it, nobody is going to be in the mood to cook. Before your due date, be sure to stock up your fridge with healthy food options. It’s also a great idea to make freezable meals ahead of time.

That way all you have to do is warm them up in the oven and your good to go without having to worry about what to cook for dinner on top of everything else.


Pack Your Hospital Bag

It’s a good idea to have a hospital bad packed for you and the baby ahead of time. Must haves to include in the bag are toiletries and personal items, socks, lip balm, and snacks. Personalize your bad so that it fits your needs, and don’t forget to have your partner bring her own bag as well since she’s most likely going to be spending her time at the hospital with you.


Wash Crib Sheets and Baby Clothes

It’s always a good idea to wash anything that will be coming in to contact with the baby’s skin. And while you don’t have to wash everything all at once, pre-wash at least a week’s worth of clothing before the baby’s arrival so you don’t have to worry about doing laundry while you’re recovering from childbirth and taking care of the baby.


Make a Labor Playlist

It might not even be something you considered putting on your checklist, but so many moms have sworn by the calming feelings the get from listing to music while in labor. So take the time to go through your favorite songs and make  yourself a playlist. Music has proven to be therapeutic for many different situations, and childbirth is no exception.

 

 

‘Who’s The Father?’ And Other Questions Not To Ask A Lesbian Parent

It’s a joyous time for the happy couple when you’re expecting a child, whether you or your partner are having the baby naturally or adopting. But even in this ever-evolving world where the acceptance of “less” traditional families is slowing catching up with the times, there’s still most likely going to be that one person that has to ask the expectant mothers one or more of those clichéd lesbian parenting questions. Here’s a look at some of those questions you should avoid asking a lesbian mother…


Who’s the Dad?

Why should this question even come up? You wouldn’t ask a pregnant straight woman who the father is, nor would you ask an adoptive parent who the dad is. So why be insensitive and ask a lesbian couple that question? If you want it put simply…there is no dad. But there are two very loving moms who have gladly taken both the role of mother and father, if that’s how you chose to look at it.


Who is the Biological Mother?

Even if you know the situation surrounding the pregnancy or adoption, this is not an okay thing to ask. Perhaps one in the relationship carried the child and gave birth, perhaps they had a surrogate, or perhaps there was an adoption. None of this matters, however, because asking who the biological mother is tends to imply that whomever gave birth to the child is more of a mother than the other partner.


Where Did You Get the Sperm?

Even if you know the lesbian couple well, this is a bit of a touchy and insensitive question to ask…unless they are very open about the topic. Otherwise it’s a very private thing and truly nobody’s business where the donor came from.


Won’t the Child Miss Out By Not Having a Father Figure?

This question suggests that two women are not capable of providing for the needs of their child the way a man could. It implies inferiority and is definitely not an acceptable question to ask a lesbian couple. It comes with the assumption that they aren’t capable of teaching their children “masculine” things like sports, for example.


What if Your Child Gets Bullied Because He or She Has Gay Parents?

Kids are going to be bullied no matter what their background is. Whether it’s because they are poor, a different race, gay themselves…the list can go on and on. So should a mixed race couple not have children because they could get bullied? What about a low-income family who can’t afford fancy clothes for their child?

The same goes for a child raised by a gay couple, so it’s pretty simple-minded to think only children from a gay household would get bullied.

Baby-Proofing the Mommies: 5 First Time Parenting Tips to Help Keep Your Sanity

There’s no doubt that first-time parents may find themselves a bit stressed out, worn out, and mentally tapped out when it comes to the demands of taking care of a newborn baby. But when it comes to taking care of your child, it’s also important that you take care of yourselves and each other as well.

Take a look at these five helpful tips to making sure the mommies are caring for themselves just as well as their caring for that new bundle of joy…


1. Tag-Team Those Late Night Feedings: Chronic sleep deprivation isn’t going to do anyone any good.

It can wreak havoc on your mood, memory, concentration, and ability to cope with every day stress. Instead of both of you getting up with the baby, it’s better to take turns…tag-team it. That way one of you gets to catch up on your sleep while the other tends to the child. Then switch it up the following night and so on.


2. Take Care of Your Health: If one of the mommas isn’t feeling well, the whole family is going to feel it.

Both of you should focus on good health and nutrition as well as proper sleep for yourselves too, not only the child.


3. Don’t Be Afraid to Take Time For Yourself: Know it’s okay to take time away from your child sometimes.

Quality “you” time is just as important as quality time spent with the baby. So go ahead and take some quiet time to finish that book, have coffee with a friend, or go for a relaxing walk. This will work wonders for centering you and refreshing your mind and body.


4. Accept Help: It’s okay to ask for help. In fact, it will do wonders for the stress level and exhaustion.

Accepting help doesn’t mean you are any less of a mother. It simply means you’re willing to acknowledge that you really could us a bit of a breather from the stress and tiredness…especially if you’re running on fumes from the late night feedings and basically everything else that comes with caring for an infant.


5. Spend Time With Your Partner: You and your partner decided to raise a child together, yes, but that doesn’t mean you should let your relationship take a back seat to the baby.

Make sure you find the time to spend together. Whether that means getting a babysitter so you can have an occasional night out on the town, or simply watching a movie together at home with some takeout without being interrupted, nurturing your relationship is just as important as nurturing your newborn.

AirBnB Celebrates Pride Month With a Short Documentary About The Travel Challenges LGBT Couples Face (Video)

The ability to travel safely and free of prejudice is something that most heterosexual couples take for granted.

As LGBT couples we face something very different. Wherever we visit or stay, there is a possibility that we could be discriminated against us.

That’s not something that even a service like Airbnb can necessarily end, but with its new short documentary, “Love Is Welcome Here,” as part of the company’s #HostWithPride campaign, they make clear that they’re aware of the issue.

The documentary, created in partnership with Molecule, features several queer and same-sex couples – a cisgender woman and a transgender man, and young and old same-sex couples with different kinds of families – as they talk, first, about their love stories.

It’s always charming to hear people recount the joy they felt when they first held their child, or the exciting adventures they’ve had together, but the film quickly takes a sharp turn toward the dark side of sharing experiences as a queer couple: Namely, that some of those experiences can be scary in ways that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how the people around you see you.

AirBnB Celebrates Pride Month 03

AirBnB Celebrates Pride Month 01

As one woman in the film says,

Planning a honeymoon as a queer couple, we have to be really careful about where we go.”

It’s a sentiment echoed by all of the other couples in the spot – “Some countries are less friendly than others,” “Your ultimate fear is your safety,” “If people knew that I was trans and we were queer, would these people talk to us?”

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AirBnB Celebrates Pride Month 02

While Airbnb’s anti-discrimination policy seeks to address such concerns, the company seems to recognize within the ad that no corporate policy can eradicate bigotry, and instead keeps its eye focused on a better day. It ends with the words

We look forward to a world where all love is welcome.”

And that’s something that everyone should be able to get behind.

Learn How to Save a Choking Baby in 41 Seconds (Video)

In a survey conducted by St. John Ambulance, 40% of the Parents have seen their babies choking and 4/5 didn’t know how to react in this situation.

With the help of an al star cast, they created a memorable short video to educate parents on how to save a choking baby.

This video is called the Chokeables, the celebrities take on the characters of animated objects that could potentially choke babies: a pen lid, small princes toy, peanut and jelly baby.