Tag Archives: queer women

Why You Stay In Your Toxic Relationship

It’s hard to see what’s best for yourself when you’re invested in a relationship.

It’s not always easy to remember who you are and what you want. You can start to lose yourself and forget to make yourself and your happiness a priority.

There is a lot of sh*t we put up with because the pain certain relationships bring us is less intimidating than the pain of letting go of the person you love.

But why? Why do we stay in relationships long past their expiry dates? Is it simply a fear of being alone?

People have now been speaking out and explaining why they stick with their partners when they know it won’t last.

Someone wrote in a particularly moving post on the Reddit forum,

The love just faded away, not suddenly some sharp ping then ‘oh I don’t love you anymore’. One day I am doing the dishes and I realised I was happy because she wasn’t coming home tonight, working later again. I suspect she is seeing a work colleague, an old bf she still gets on with, they’d known each other for years before I came along.

The funny thing is I don’t feel angry or hurt or betrayed. There is just a gentle relief that she is happy and I am happy without her. I always thought I needed a relationship but now as this one bleeds out on the floor I just feel content to watch it gasp and die.”

Sometimes it’s not that the relationship has turned completely toxic, it’s just not happy anymore.

Someone asked why they didn’t leave her, to which they responded:

Emotionally I fear it’s like I’ve been slowly stabbed and if I pull at that knife everything is going to hurt so much.”

It’s a painful and powerful simile.

Others shared their experiences after having finally seen the light and ended their relationships.

A common situation in long-term relationships is where each person has changed, but they still care about the other:

The thing is, I know we love and care about each other, but we became different people than the people we fell in love with,” said one person who’d just ended a six year relationship.

For some people, it’s the external pressure from others who don’t realise a partnership isn’t as happy as it might seem.

We stayed together a year longer than we should have because everyone else thought we were a great couple and neither of us wanted to be the bad guy who ended the relationship. I also really liked his family.”

But another person pointed out that an outsider can never really know what’s going on in a relationship:

My sister thinks I have a dull relationship of convenience. In fact we are deeply in love, have great respect for each other and are very happy to be together for the rest of our lives.”

That’s not the case for everyone though, and one woman admitted she knows her partner doesn’t really love her: “She doesn’t love me, never has, and I know it. Didn’t stop me from falling in love anyway.

We keep going because I have no self-respect or self-control. And she is too lazy, and I’m too convenient for her to look elsewhere. We are best friends. It’s hard to draw the line when we always have such a good time together.”

Whether both parties are settling is open to interpretation.

You don’t have to justify why you aren’t happy anymore. It isn’t realistic to expect to be happy in every moment of your relationship, but as a whole, this person should make you happier.

He or she should make you feel supported and capable of doing whatever the hell it is you want to do. You should know that even though you don’t have control of every aspect of your life and things will fall apart, this person gives you stability.

They help you rebuild and gives you hope that things can be the way you think they should be.

If you don’t have that, is it really worth it?

7 Ways to Be a Better Ally

Queer women are awesome.

That’s why you’re on this site, right? Maybe you’re an amazing queer lady who loves to connect with other amazing queer ladies. Or maybe you’re just a rad ally who wants to be an asset to the queer community.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes allies make things worse. They don’t do it on purpose – but because they just don’t know what it’s like to be LGBTQ, they can accidentally do more harm than good. So how can you be the best ally you can possibly be?

Cisgender queer women, you’re not off the hook. How can you be an amazing ally to the transgender community too?

  1. Don’t assume someone’s sexuality based on their appearance.

Maybe that girl wearing flannel is a lesbian, or maybe she’s just a lumberjack. Maybe that girl with a buzz cut is a lesbian, or maybe she just got gum stuck in her hair. Maybe that girl with the carabiners is a lesbian, or…no, she’s definitely a lesbian.

  1. Don’t assume someone’s gender based on their appearance.

It might feel awkward, but always ask for preferred gender pronouns (PGP). You might be surprised by the sheer amount of wrong assumptions you’ve been making.

  1. Don’t assume asexual people don’t have sex.

Some asexual people never have sex. Some have a lot of sex but feel no romantic attachment. Some have strong romantic attachments but don’t really care about sex. There is more than one way to be asexual. Here are ten ways to get you started.

  1. Don’t assume all queer people want to have sex with you.

You’re just not my type.

  1. Don’t say “dyke,” “fag,” or “tranny” unless you belong to that group.

If you’re a queer woman, you might call yourself a dyke as a way to reclaim that word and empower yourself. The queer community did for, well, the word “queer.” But if you’re not from that community, using that word isn’t empowerment, it’s a slur.

And these privileges aren’t one-size-fits-all: Cisgender ladies, just because you’re LGBTQ doesn’t mean you can use the word “tranny.”

  1. Don’t assume bisexual or pansexual people are promiscuous.

Some bisexual people are sexually promiscuous. Guess what? So are some heterosexual people. And so are some homosexual people. And so are some rabbits. Whether you have a lot of sex doesn’t depend on your sexuality, it depends on how good you are at Tinder.

  1. Understand that the “A” in LGBTQIA doesn’t stand for “ally.”

Straight people, I get it. You support queer people and you would love to be included in the acronym, even if it’s just at the end. But the A isn’t for you. It’s for asexuals, aromantics and a-mazing lesbians.

Learn more ways to be an incredible ally at the Post.

Thurst – This Dating App Offers More for Queer People

Gay men have Grindr. Gay women have Her. Straight people have OKCupid and Plenty Of Fish and JDate and Tinder and Bumble. (Okay, queer people technically have access to all of those too, but the pickings are slim, and those platform were definitely not designed for us.)

Where do you look for a new lover if you’re attracted to more than one gender?

If you’re genderqueer, where do you look for a lover who will accept your identity unquestioningly?

Thurst is “the first dating app designed for queer people of all genders.”

It was designed by Morgen Bromell, a queer woman of color who was tired of seeing cisgender white men dictate the app-based dating industry. A straight white man created Tinder, and almost all other dating apps have stemmed from that, implementing a swipe-based system that doesn’t always work for queer people.

Bromell created Thurst for “queer, cis, trans and non-binary folk who are seeking to connect in person.”

What makes it different from other queer dating apps? First, Thurst has enhanced levels of security – in many U.S. states someone can be fired for being LGBT, so being discovered on a queer app carries elevated risks. Second, Thurst doesn’t just let you choose “Seeking Women” or “Seeking Men and Women” like Tinder does. You can also look for people based on their kinks and fetishes. And you can filter people based on how they identify politically.

The only questionable aspect of Thurst is that it also allows you to filter by race. While Bromell undoubtedly means well, this feature risks fostering the same racism that has made Grindr infamous.

Still, Thurst has gained a lot of well-earned praise for pushing beyond the gender binary. As Bromell says:

I have always centered and prioritized trans folks and especially trans women, who face unparalleled levels of violence. These are essential principles, and embracing non-mainstream understanding of how to care for people has influenced the ways I envision Thurst, as not only an app, but a platform for cultural change. My hope is that we can allow folks to express the truths of their existence and be their full selves while seeking to connect with others, however that may look for them.

Check out the app for yourself.

8 Tips For Dating A Trans Woman, From a Trans Woman

Trans women are women. Period.

And, as with dating any woman, there are many DOs and DON’Ts. Transgender writer Leila Blake recently sat down to school cisgender on people on how to have an amazing relationship with a transgender woman.

Here’s what she said:

1. Don’t use the word “tranny.”

That is a derogatory term used in porn and it turns transgender women into objects.

2. Don’t expect her to teach you.

Leila says that too many cisgender people ask her questions that they could just Google themselves, such as “What’s the difference between a cross-dresser and a transgender person?” She’s not a textbook. Ask Jeeves.

3. Don’t expect her to roll right into bed.

Society frames transgender women in terms of what they’re able to do sexually – who can forget the awful Crying Game scene that demonized a sexy woman who dared to have a penis? In real life, don’t expect a transgender woman to want to move straight into the bedroom.

4. Don’t hide her away.

Leila says that for many people, “We’re ‘good enough’ for sex but not to be taken out in public.” Don’t be the idiot who tries to hide your relationship.

5. Steer clear of stereotypes.

You know that it’s bad to stereotype – not all black people are rappers, not all Asian people are math geniuses, and not all white people are trailer trash. But when it comes to transgender people, you might be holding stereotypes you didn’t even know you had, especially if you haven’t met a transgender person before. Don’t assume that all transgender women have penises (or don’t), that they’re all sex workers or criminals (like on Orange is the New Black), that they envy cisgender women (trans women are women) or that they want to look stereotypically feminine (butch trans women exist). Don’t excuse your ignorance by saying, “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

6. Don’t bring up sexual intercourse on the first date.

This is one of Leila’s personal rules. Not all transgender people are comfortable with their bodies, so they may not be comfortable discussing sex. Some are. Some aren’t. Tread lightly and wait for her to bring it up first.

7. Talk about sex before you do it.

Open communication is important in any sexual relationship, especially queer sexual relationships, cisgender or not. Before you sleep with her, ask her what she’s comfortable with.

8. Support her transition.

If you’re in a relationship with a transgender woman for a long period of time, especially a woman at the beginning of her transition, then be prepared for a lot of changes. Transitioning is difficult, emotionally and physically and financially. Support her.

For more of Leila’s tips, read this recent piece.

Which Game of Thrones Characters Are the Queerest? – The Official List

Game of Thrones will be returning this spring. That’s right, it’s almost time for your favorite dragons, incestuous couples and complicated storylines to return with a vengeance for the penultimate season!

How will you prepare yourself? You could read the books. You could rewatch all six seasons. You could write even more Yara/Dany fanfiction (we know you’ve already started several).

Or you could remind yourself of all of your favorite queer characters, with help from GeeksOut.

Gender Non Con-forming Characters


Brienne rejects all of your feminine stereotypes. No, she will not grow her hair out. No, she will not act like a lady. Yes, she will cut off your head if you disrespect Jaime Lannister.


Is Arya really gender non-conforming or is she just a tomboy? It’s hard to tell. But, since she did spend an entire season pretending to be a boy, we’ve got to admit that she was never one to care about gender.

Asexual Characters 

Asexuality is hard to define because many of the men in Game of Thrones have been castrated. (Seriously, the castration rate is alarmingly high. Someone in Westeros should probably do something about that.)

If these characters hadn’t been castrated, would they experience sexual desire? Do they still feel sexual desire regardless of their lack of genitalia? What about the men who were castrated later in life – have they completely lost the ability to have sexual desire, or just the ability to act on that desire?


Late to the castration game, Theon can’t consummate his desires even if he still has them. Very jealous that his sister Yara gets more girls than he does.


Castrated as a child, Varys does not trouble himself with things as silly as sex. He’s too busy pulling the puppet strings of the entire kingdom.


Greyworm can still fall in love, so if anything, he’s asexual but heteroromantic. He and Missandei would win the award for cutest couple hands-down.

Jon Snow

Okay, Jon Snow isn’t technically asexual, but he seems like he could be gray-asexual. He’s only ever slept with someone once, and he did not seem particularly interested in sex before, after or even during losing his virginity.

Queer Men

Remy and Loras

Remy and Loras should be together forever, in life, in death, and in lists.


If bisexuals had a mascot, Oberyn would be it. Openly sexually fluid – and with a delicious accent – Oberyn proves that labels don’t always matter. Hotness does.

Queer Women

Finally, the category we’ve all been waiting for: the ladies of Westeros that make us lick our lips.


When Yara hits on her, Dany seems very interested. Enough said.


Yara is the bro-iest bro to ever bro, and not just because she rescued her bro Theon. Who can forget the time she checked out Dany with a smirk? Or the time she started having sex with a female prostitute?


Not yet. But it could be coming.

Who do you think should be added to the list?

Indications You Might Be An ‘Undateable Girl’ (And How To Fix It)

If you find you are constantly finding fault with every woman you meet or you have unrealistic expectations on how your ideal woman should look and act, you are probably making yourself an ‘undateable girl.’ The girl that is impossible to date because you want and demand the impossible from your partner.

Being picky is OK, but having such high expectations that can never be met means you are simply going to struggle to find a woman to date. Perhaps you are simply expecting your future partner to cope with your lifestyle and you are not prepared to give and take.

You might not even be aware that you are making yourself undateable through your own actions so below are some signs that you might be the ‘undateable girl’ with some tips and ideas on how to help fix it.

You find fault with every girl you date

If you cast your mind back to your last few partners did you find fault with them all? Was one girl not intelligent enough, did the other have a crap job or didn’t have as much ambition as you wanted her to have? Nobody is perfect and you are likely to let miss right slip through your fingers if you are more focused on what she isn’t instead of what she is. The next time you date a girl focus on the qualities that she does have and think about whether you like them. She could be loving, loyal and great fun to be around but if you are blinded by your list of expectations you will miss all that she can offer you.

You are too full on

If you are quite emotional and have a tendency to pour all your feelings out really quickly you are likely to send most girls running for the hills. Don’t reveal too much about yourself on the first few dates. It’s better to keep an air of mystery around yourself as all girls like a bit of intrigue and this way you are likely to go past the second date too.

You love single life

Being single sure has its advantages but it can get lonely eventually, especially when all your friends have hooked up with partners and you are left on your own. If your need to stay single is preventing you from meeting someone perhaps you should think about the bigger picture and the future, not just the here are now. Besides, it is possible to be in a relationship and still enjoy spending time with your friends.

Your career is your life

Your work and career is and should be a top priority, but you should still make time for a partner. If you are only focused on your work twenty-four/seven that leaves no room for playing the dating game. This will put girls off if they feel you have no time for them. Try to find a balance between the two because your job can’t keep you warm at night.

You don’t have a lot of patience

Not having a lot of patience can be a hindrance in relationships. If you get annoyed with every single thing your boo says and does it’s not fair on her. Try to let some things go over you and relax a bit more. No one is perfect and we all do things that annoy others.

You are saving yourself for Miss Right

We all have expectations of how our dream girl will be, but let’s get real here, that’s just a fantasy. Living in a dream world expecting a perfect vision of your miss right to find her way into your life is not very realistic and means you are missing opportunities with other women that could be just as right for you. Remember that no one is perfect and it’s very unlikely anyone can meet all your expectations so stop being so stubborn and get to know a girl first before deciding if she is ‘miss right’ from the offset.

You are scared to get close to someone

Holding back completely is as bad as wearing your heart on your sleeve. You need to give yourself and your girl a chance. You may have gotten your heart broken in the past and this is stopping you from giving your heart to someone else, but each relationship is individual. Embrace each new woman with a positive outlook and see what happens. Even if it doesn’t work out at least you are not cutting yourself off from the dating game.

Breaking out of the ‘undateable girl’ zone is possible but only you can do it. So overcome the things that are holding you back and make yourself ‘dateable’ again.

Body Language Signs That Indicate She Can’t Be Trusted

It’s very hard in this day and age to work out if you can trust someone but scientists have discovered through a two part experiment that there are actually 4 body language indicators that could show deceit.

And according to the study, we psychologically pick up on these indicators and can lead us to feel uneasy about someone who we don’t know or meet for the first time.

The body language signs are hand touching, face touching, crossing arms and leaning backwards. The first part of the study was conducted with humans and the second part was conducted using a robot. When the robot used the four movements people claimed they didn’t trust what the robot was saying or doing.

People who took part in the study were also able to distinguish whether they distrusted someone or didn’t like them which shows that we might like someone we meet for the first time but wouldn’t trust them with our money, for example.

Body language is often used to indicate a person’s attitude in everyday situations as well, such as during job interviews or when being questioned by the police for example.

Apparently, we are conditioned to think that if someone is not making eye contact with us they have something to hide or if someone is crossing their arms and leaning back when we are talking to them we think they are not interested in what is being said or they are being defensive.

Overall, it’s important to remember that it’s not just about what we say to others when we are interacting but it’s also important to be aware of our movements and gestures as well, especially if we want to make a good impression at a job interview or when meeting an important client for the first time.

What Your Facebook Posts Can Secretly Reveal About Your Relationship

How many of us know at least one couple that post photos of themselves together constantly, want to share with the world how they both had the same breakfast or tag each other in silly little comments of love and adoration for each other? Well, according to a few experts these couples might not be as happy as we think and they are simply seeking validation for their relationship from other people.

Nikki Goldstein, a sexologist and relationship expert from Australia believes that:

Often it’s the people who post the most who are seeking validation for their relationship from other people on social media, the likes and comments can be so validating that when someone is really struggling, that’s where they get their up from – not the person making the gesture, but what other people say about it.”

Goldstein also suggested the couples who are so keen to take pictures of each other and immediately upload them to social media are often missing out and not living in the moment with their partners. They are more interested in what people have to say rather than enjoy the moment they are in.  She claims:

Couples are taking these photos, straight away putting them online and then watching the likes and comments instead of being with their partners.”

Apparently, couples that refer to their partner online as ‘my girl’ or ‘my babe’ can also be showing signs of possessiveness with the use of ‘my.’ Goldstein does give advice for couples that like to share photos of themselves with their partners. She suggests:

If you are going to post… keep it fun and entertaining for people, not mushy and possessive.”

This does go to show that social media isn’t really a reflection of true life. We can choose what we want people to know but sometimes our behaviour online can tell others a lot more than we are admitting or would want them to know. When you next see a gushing loved up photo of a couple you know, they might not be as happy and in love as you think.

Finally! Greeting Cards For Queer Women

You’re shopping for a Christmas card for your best friend, but Hallmark doesn’t carry anything specifically for a queer Latinx. You want to give your coworkers a card for their wedding, but can’t find any cards depicting two grooms. You want to surprise your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, but all the cards available are just, so…heteronormative.

Provoke Culture is here to fix that. Thank God.

Provoke Culture is an “online artique. “This art boutique features work by LGBT and other minority artists who “celebrate culture and identity through their work.” Each artist receives 75% of all profits, while the other 25% of profits is donated to organizations that help women and youth escape domestic violence and homelessness.

Yes, that means that when you purchase awesome queer art, you’ll be donating to charity at the same time.

Artists Jenny Cunngingham and Sam Kirk designed this new line because they recognized a void: Whenever they looked for cards depicting anyone queer or of color, they came up short. So they decided to make their own.

This new greeting card line showcases an intersectional mix of queer people and people of color from many different backgrounds.

One design features eight brown and black people dressed in clothing from all over the world. The title reads, “Happy Chrismahanukwanzaa’eid.”

The card selection updates quarterly, so restock your collection every three months. You can currently purchase anniversary cards, birthday cards and more.

If you want to get more hands-on with the designs, Sam Kirk has also designed As Queer As I Wanna Be, a coloring book for queer women of color. This coloring book features 24 illustrations.

Head over to the Provoke Culture website in order to purchase bowties, posters, briefs, t-shirts and even furniture.

5 Lesbians You’ll Meet On Tinder

When you open Tinder, you never know what you’re going to get. You might find your soul mate, you might find a serial killer. The hot girl with the colored braids might turn out to be a catfish with a dark past. Every swipe is a risk – no, an adventure.

And who are you likely to meet on this adventure?

TYPE: The Taste-Tester

The Taste-Tester is a lesbian. Probably. She’s not sure yet. Maybe she’s bisexual? She’s only dated guys, but she thinks girls are cute, so would you like to try it out?

How to spot one: She sounds nervous, and makes a point of stating that this is her first time. “I’ve never done this before” is code for “I might suddenly leave, decide I’m straight and break your heart.” Proceed with caution.

Great for: anyone who doesn’t mind showing a baby gay the ropes.

Bad for: anyone who drives a U-Haul to first dates.

TYPE: The Unicorn Hunters

The only thing better than sex with a stranger is sex with two strangers.

The Unicorn Hunters are a fun-loving heterosexual couple looking for a “unicorn” – a bisexual woman who will have a threesome and then leave without expecting any emotional attachments. Basically, a free human sex toy.

How to spot them: The first profile picture is of a beautiful girl – which is why you swiped right – but subsequent photos feature a mildly attractive guy with his arm around this girl. They’ll probably start their Tinder conversation with “threesome? ;)”

Great for: anyone looking to experiment with no strings attached.

Bad for: anyone with personal space issues.

TYPE: Waldo

The Waldo is that girl. Wait, no, that girl. No, that one. Her profile picture is her surrounded by a bunch of hot girls, so it’s impossible to tell which one she is – you swipe right in the hopes of winning the lottery, only to find out that she wasn’t the one you hoped she was.

How to spot one: Her pictures are large groups. If there is a solo pic, she’s probably silhouetted against a sunset under the pretense of looking “artistic.”

Great for: anyone who believes beauty is more than skin-deep.

Bad for: anyone hoping to find a hot girlfriend to show off in front of their ex.

TYPE: The Salesman

The Salesman thinks that you should follow her on Instagram, check out her website, purchase a few products and tell all your friends. After all, the most effective form of advertisement is a free dating app, right?

How to spot one: One of her profile pictures is of a product. Her bio lists her full contact details, including her LinkedIn and her speaking fee.

Great for: anyone looking to purchase haircare products from a stranger.

Bad for: anyone who doesn’t want to hand over their money to a stranger.

TYPE: The Man

The Man knows you’re a lesbian, but you’re just a lesbian because you haven’t slept with him yet. Besides, everyone knows that lesbian really means “bisexual” and bisexual really means “I’ll sleep with everything.”

How to spot one: Sometimes these accounts are just men who put “Female” in their facebook profile so that they can access the Women for Women Tinder section. Sometimes these men are catfishing you behind pictures of cute girls they culled from Google Images. If the conversation starts with “so are you into men?” or an eggplant emoji, think carefully about your next move.

Great for: straight women.

Bad for: lesbians.

4 Hints You’re In A Toxic Relationship With Someone

Toxic relationships are the bane of people’s existence. Why they are still a thing to this day, I’m not really sure either. But we’ve all fallen victim to one of these traps, whether we’d like to admit it or not. Fortunately, there’s a way out should we choose to accept it and let go of these nasty people.

Here are ways to spot a toxic relationship with whomever, and why you should be bidding them goodbye.

You make excuses for them.

This is a huge ass red flag you shouldn’t be ignoring. Maybe you’re doing it subconsciously, maybe you’re not. Either way, you should stop; because this just means this person is no good for you or your health.

You can’t make excuses for someone who’s done nothing wrong. Do you see where I’m going with this? It usually starts small, and then blossoms into bigger lies and a much more complicated web. You get caught up in something that isn’t even your doing just cause you were making excuses for some poor excuse of a person who is manipulating you to do just that. (OK, actually, maybe it is your doing, but this person made you do it whether or not they’re – or you’re – aware.)

(I know you’re going to say this person isn’t trying to control you whatsoever, but you’ve just solidified my point, thanks very much!)

You know you’re just settling.

This one is just sad.

Toxic relationships oftentimes slip through tiny holes; the people involved are unaware they’re taking each other down. When they’re aware, however, it’s an entirely different story and it’s literally just so sad.

When you know to yourself that you can definitely do better, leave the person. Cut ties with them and move on. This is not only for SOs, but also friendships and relationships in general.

Don’t settle. Don’t pick being comfortable over riskier, real ones. Don’t be (friends) with a person just because it’s easy. Convenience is a very shitty reason to remain in whatever relationship you have with someone. And you’re doing the world a disservice.

Don’t be unfair to them, but more importantly, don’t be unfair to yourself.

You enable one another.

Please don’t. Please leave. That ride or die friend or SO of yours is sick, I’m aware; but there’s always that invisible border where you have to draw the line. Vices or bad habits in general should not be condoned. Ever. Refrain from being shitty people by letting each other be shitty.

If that person in your life is letting you bum your ass off without ever giving you advice or giving you that much-needed pep-talk, it’s time to let them go.

You hold each other back.

You know what? This should be number one on the list.

A healthy relationship feeds off achievements and accomplishments and genuine compliments and support. If your SO or friend is holding you back because you have the ability to achieve something without their direct contribution, bid them goodbye.

If s/he’s hindering you from your growth – whether that may be in terms of career or just life in general – then there’s no other reason to remain in cahoots with this person.

You deserve genuine support and a load of their overwhelming love (most especially if you’ve achieved something huge). No questions asked.

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Can New Dating App “Click” Replace Lesbian Bars?

Where do you go if you want to find the woman of your dreams?

Back in the day, you and your gal pal super squad would flock to your nearest lesbian bar and connect with cute girls over gin and tonic. But lesbian bars have all but disappeared.

So where do you go now? You could swipe right on a few dozen faces on Tinder, Her or Feeld, but hookup-oriented apps get old fast.

You could go drinking at a regular bar and hope to get lucky, or join a softball league and hope the pitcher is finally over her ex.

Click is the solution.

Liz James, queer entrepreneur, was tired of lacking a safe space for her and her lesbian friends.

She told Curve,

Lesbian bars have almost completely disappeared due to gentrification, mainstreaming, the internet culture and a shift in how we identify with more fluid gender identities becoming the norm rather than the exception.”

She modeled her groundbreaking dating app Click on one of the lesbian bars of days past. The home page even features a neon sign boasting “Open 24/7.”

Click calls itself an alternative to lesbian dating apps. There’s no swiping here. Instead, the app matches users based on shared interests, values and desires.

Want to meet that feminist, nerdy, surfer who likes sushi and hamburgers?” says James. “The one that plays Texas Holdem and watches Star Trek re-runs?! She’s out there.”

Click is more than a dating app. It’s also for people who want to find new friends or reconnect with old ones, hang out with the general lesbian community, find emotional support, hunt for a hook-up, reunite with an old flame or meet the potential love of their lives.

Will Click succeed where most lesbian apps have failed? After all, perhaps there’s a reason that lesbian bars are shutting down and most lesbian dating apps aren’t taking off the way Grindr and Tinder have. However, maybe Click will fill a much-needed void left by closed bars and mundane swipe apps. Only time will tell.

Download the app in order to decide for yourself. Do you click with this app?

What’s Wrong With Lesbian Dating Apps?

Your couch is getting cold, and you want someone to snuggle with on your next movie night. Like many people, you’re looking for love – and like many millennials, you turn to your phone.

You have a dozen apps to choose from, from women-only apps like Her and Scrissr, to predominantly heterosexual apps such as Tinder and Bumble. You try Feeld and OKCupid and JDate and FarmersOnly, but nothing works out. All of these apps promise love. Are you just unloveable? Or is something about all lesbian dating apps predominantly broken?

1. The swipe-happy match style is geared toward straight men.

While men are predominantly visual creatures, many women require more than just a pretty face to become truly invested in someone. Swiping apps require you to make relatively hasty judgments based on six photos and a short bio. The focus is on looks, not personality.

2. Straight dating apps adhere to an outdated gender binary.

Most dating apps are for men and women. Or perhaps for men and men, with a few apps for women and women. But gender doesn’t always fall along straight lines.

Some queer people identify as butch women or femme women, or genderqueer, or transmasculine or transfeminine, or agender or bigender – the list goes on and on. Most dating apps do not allow people to break outside of rigid binaries, which are insufficient for queer millennials.

3. Straight men keep many apps from being safe spaces.

On Tinder, women can say that they are only seeking women, but that doesn’t keep the occasional man from sliding into the options. Some heterosexual couples create female accounts in order to lure queer girls into threesomes.

On sites that do not require mutual acceptance before swiping, many straight men will message lesbians anyway, thinking they can turn her straight or that she will be up for a threesome. This keeps many queer women from feeling safe enough to explore dating apps.

4. Most dating apps are used for hook-ups.

I’m not saying that all lesbians want deep, monogamous relationships or that people don’t find everlasting love on OKCupid. But the romance options are slim for queer women looking for more than a ménage à trois with a heterosexual couple. Many queer women want a friendship, relationship or companionate partnership that goes deeper than a glossy Facebook photo and a cheap drink. It’s hard to sell “meaningful relationship” through an app.

5. App developers are predominantly straight white men.

Straight white men create what they know other straight white men will like. Although the diversity of Silicon Valley is slowly increasing, there is still an alarming lack of representation when it comes to queer and transgender people, especially people of color or low socioeconomic background.

The solution? Silicon Valley needs more queer developers, and it needs queer developers who are willing to think outside of the box, not just to create a “queer” version of apps like Tinder and Grindr, but to create a dynamic and innovative new app that starts with the question: What do queer women actually want?

5 Best Apps For Exploring Your Sexuality

So you’re ready to explore your sexuality. Maybe you want to be a unicorn in some couple’s threesome or begin your own polyamorous relationship.

The internet, of course, has all the answers, so you want to use an app. Or several. Which apps should you turn to?


Pro:  As one of the largest dating apps, Tinder has an enormous pool of users.

Con: Many of those users are straight and/or men.

Pro:  You only match with people who express interest in you, so rejection is minimal.

Con: People make hasty judgments based on appearance.

Pro: Many people on Tinder want hook-ups and new sexual experiences.

Con: You can’t filter based on sexual desires, such as threesomes.

Verdict: A great place to start, but the options can be overwhelming and some of the characters are less than savory.


Pro: An extremely large and diverse pool of people.

Con: Many inactive or spam accounts.

Pro: You can judge people not just by their photos, but by their extensive bios.

Con: People on OKC tend to ramble about themselves – do you really want to read someone’s 800 word autobiography?

Pro: Not connected to your Facebook, so little chance of you awkwardly matching with friends and coworkers.

Con: That dream date you go on could be a murderer.

Verdict: A more old-fashioned, pre-Tinder way of dating that has potential, but requires more effort than swiping.


Pro: Women-only, so no chance of creepy men.

Con: An extremely small pool of users means that you may run out of people to match with after 6 swipes.

Pro: All of the users are queer women.

Con: Not all of the users are open to hook-ups or to sexual exploration.

Verdict: A very quaint app that is useful for finding a girlfriend, but not always for finding a threesome.


Pro: You can only match with someone for 24 hours without initiating contact, so you’re pressured to actually reach out.

Con: If you match with your dream girl and 24 hours go by, she may be lost forever.

Pro: Women always have to message first, so you won’t receive messages from creepy straight men.

Con: Most queer female users tend to be monogamous.

Verdict: An interesting app that doesn’t offer much more than Tinder, but it might inspire you to actually message the people you match with.


Pro: This app is exclusively for people wanting non-monogamous liaisons.

Con: Your Facebook friends can find you on the app, so your sexual desires are relatively public.

Pro: This app caters to a wide variety of people wanting all sorts of sexual activities.

Con: You’re never quite sure whom you’re meeting, so be sure to communicate explicitly about your sexual desires ahead of time.

Verdict: An experimental app that may offer you what you didn’t know you wanted.

Sext-Worthy Ancient Greek Poetry

Once upon a time on a Greek island far, far away, a lesbian poet named Sapphos entertained beautiful women and wrote them love poetry.

That island, Lesbos, is where the word lesbian comes from. Yes, this poet was so amazing that she coined the term for women who love women.

Next time you’re in one of these situations, sext Sapphos’ poetry to your lover and watch them melt at your feet.

When you know that you and your girlfriend are #RelationshipGoals:

You may forget but
let me tell you
this: someone in
some future time
will think of us

When you finally have a one-night stand with your crush:

All the while,
believe me,
I prayed our night would last twice as long

When a girl is hitting on you:

Mere air, these words, but delicious to hear.

When you see your crush for the first time:

And she outshines the Ladies of Lydia
as the rose-fingered moon at sunset
surpassing all the stars

When you want to call your ex but have nothing to say:

What cannot be said will be wept.

When sex with your crush isn’t as great as you imagined:

You came, I yearned for you,
and you cooled my senses that burned with desire

When your girlfriend says, “It’s over.”

I just really want to die
She, crying many tears, left me

When you’re tipsy but want to blame your tipsiness on love:

Once again Love, that loosener of limbs,
bittersweet and inescapable, crawling thing,
seizes me.

When you know she’s a player:

No honey for me
if it comes with a bee

When you thought your ex-girlfriend changed, but you were wrong:

Love is a cunning weaver of fantasies and fables.

When she gives you four orgasms in a row:

I will let my body flow like water over the gentle cushions.

When you don’t have money but you still have love:

From all the offspring of the earth and heaven
is the most precious.

When your mind’s telling you no, but your body is telling you yes:

I do not know what to do –
My mind’s in two.

When you need your love to stand and face you and scatter the grace in her eyes:

Stand and face me, my love, and scatter the grace in your eyes.

12 Months Of Relationship Goals

I think the New Year is my absolute favorite time of the year. The weather is crisp and cool, most people are over their holiday funk, and everyone is optimistically looking forward to the next year. It’s also a dream come true for a perpetual planner like myself, because the new year offers so many opportunities for self-improvement. But if your own plans for self-improvement don’t include improving your relationship, you’re missing out on a huge opportunity.

To help get you started with building your perfect relationship, we’ve gathered up some resolutions for each month of the next year. If you work on these things throughout the year, by this time next year, your relationship is sure to be stronger than it’s ever been before. Don’t worry if you don’t take them on in the same order they appear here – each of these can be tackled in less than a month, and some can be done much quicker than that.

Are you ready for the best year your love life has ever seen?

January: Plan your future together.

There’s a proven scientific correlation between proper goal-setting and success. When you take time to make out your goals for the year, be sure to include your partner’s goals in the mix, too – just to be sure you’re working in the same direction.

Your goals should be important to you, challenging (but not impossible), and there should be a sense of inner reward to keep you motivated along the way. Focusing on 2-3 goals at a time is best, but your list can include as many as ten different goals for each of you. Proper goal setting also includes making them specific, measurable, actionable, and time-oriented – so slap some details and deadlines onto these goals!

Then, write them down, by hand, and put them somewhere you’ll both see them all the time. This will remind both of you of the greater future you’re working toward.

February: Implement a new, good habit.

Now that you’ve taken the time to set your goals for the year, take a look at it. Are there any goals on your list that involve habits? (Hint: Most goals do involve a habit of some sort, whether it’s creating a good one or breaking a bad one.) Pick one new habit from that list, something that applies to both of you, and make time in your schedule to do it.

If you have a difficult time sticking to your good habits (I know I do!), there’s no shame in setting up reminders for yourself. For example, I have an alarm set in my phone at 7 AM every day to meditate, because it’s something that’s important to me. They say it takes about 60 days to set a habit fully into your mind, so be sure you keep it up even after February has ended. You can start adding in your next habit after the first 30 days, though.

Then, once you’re ready, get ready for a lot more togetherness.

March: Make more time for each other.

Even if you’ve both got full schedules, chances are good that there are times you can be there for her without physically being by her side. Take advantage of those times to send her a cute “I’m thinking of you” text, leave a sticky-note love letter on the refrigerator, or run some errand she hates doing before she has to do it.

If that isn’t enough, there’s also a pretty good chance you can manage to spend another six hours every week with her, even if it doesn’t seem like you’ve got any time for one another. All too often we take advantage of the little moments in life, the things that might otherwise slip away from us. Some of these things will need to be scheduled in, but many only take a few minutes at a time. Surely you can give up some social media time for your girlfriend, right?

Once you’ve gotten used to spending a bit more time with each other, get ready – next month holds a mini-vacation just for the two of you.

April: Spend a weekend alone together.

If you’ve both got two days off work and school and are ready to spend some quality time together, a weekend alone requires very little planning. You don’t need a fancy hotel room or a cabin by the lake; your weekend can be as simple as camping out in your own living room.

Want to make it extra special but don’t have a big budget? Cook some of her favorite food items and have a mini-picnic underneath a blanket fort. It seems silly and childish, but who says adults can’t have fun, too? If the mood strikes you, you can even try being intimate together in new rooms in your home – there’s something sexy about getting down somewhere new and different.

Once you’ve given yourselves a weekend of fun, it’s time to start thinking about all the fun you’ll have in the future.

May: Build your trust in each other.

Trust and respect are necessary pieces of the relationship puzzle – if you don’t have trust and respect, you can’t have love. But sometimes there are trust issues standing in the way, on one or both sides, that prevent us from fully opening up to the person we’re with. This month, you’ll be taking some time to focus on any trust issues that may be present, and deal with them to the best of your ability.

Trust is one of the most valuable assets in a relationship because trust helps keep things in perspective. Trust reminds you that honesty is the best policy, and it gives you the peace needed to work through problems. When you can trust that your partner is thinking of you even when you’re not around, your relationship can blossom to all-new heights.

Got a solid foundation of trust built up? It’s time to start talking about positivity and that respect we were just talking about.

June: Express gratitude and appreciation for one another.

Gratitude is a powerful practice. It’s been proven to have positive effects on just about every aspect of your life, and as you continue the practice, it’ll even start to rub off on other people. It’s time to end the cycle of entitlement and obligation and truly be grateful for the blessings in your life – including the person you’re spending your life with.

Once you’ve developed a practice of showing gratitude to your partner, you can also show your appreciation for the parts she plays in your life, and for the parts she plays in her own life. There’s nothing quite like feeling that you’re being appreciated, so be sure that you remind her as often as possible just how much she means to you.

Even when you practice gratitude and appreciation, though, problems can still arise – read on to start dealing with them.

July: Work through a frustration.

Dealing with big relationship issues quickly can mean the difference between life or death for the relationship itself – but sometimes there are smaller issues that get under our skin, without causing enough problems to actually deal with them. This month, you’ll be focusing on the things that frustrate each other, but haven’t been a big enough deal to fix yet. After all, if you’re working towards your relationship goals, don’t you want to make things as amazing as you possibly can?

Make no mistake, though – even the small issues are going to be a big change. Say, for example, your habit of leaving the clothes in the dryer frustrates your partner to no end. It’s going to take a lot of willpower on your end to break that habit – your partner can’t tell you to do it. You have to choose to make the change. It’s going to be hard, but I’m sure you each have one bad habit you can voluntarily give up for your partner’s happiness.

Once you’ve gotten through a tough month of habit-changing, it’s time for a little more fun together – perhaps you can start planning this one ahead of time.

August: Make a memory together.

You’ve done the hard, hard work of setting better habits, making more time for each other, strengthening your bond, and you’ve kept up on your day-to-day life. That’s a lot of work – it’s time to relax for a while and spend some time together again. Make a date to go to the local amusement park, a museum, or perhaps even a road trip – whatever strikes your fancy, you have the chance to create.

I highly recommend documenting these memories, as much as possible. I like to splurge and buy photo books when I can afford to – whether simple albums that the pictures slide into, or elaborate bound books with captions and backgrounds. The joy of flipping through those photos means so much to me, and there’s something extra special about physical paper photos instead of pixels on a screen.

(Looking for a great photo book for a fair price? Mixbook has great quality and international shipping available – I’ve gotten books from them a few times in the past.)

September: Improve your relationship with her family and friends.

Near the beginning of a relationship, forming a bond with her friends and family can be difficult. There’s nervousness about whether they’re going to like you or not, and that stress is not good for making a first impression. But now that you’ve been together for a while, it might be a good time to reintroduce yourself to them, and work towards a better relationship with them. Your partner will love knowing that all the important people in her life are getting along better.

If she’s not close with her family, you can still form a bond with her friends. It’s not necessary that you love all of them, but you should be nice to all of them, and you should like at least a few of them. It might take some time to get used to her cousin Jimmy’s crazy antics when he’s drunk or the way her best friend thinks you’re secretly a straight girl (ugh) but they’ll come around eventually.

It’s important to make sure she doesn’t feel cut off from the people you can’t see eye to eye with, though, and that’s what October is all about.

October: Give her room to have fun.

Sometimes, we just really don’t want to do the same things that our partner does. Often one of us will end up sacrificing in this situation, which isn’t fun – so make sure you let your girlfriend know that you don’t want her to sacrifice the life she wants in order to spend her life with you.

By giving each other room to work on your own thing, you’re reminding yourself of the individuals you were before you met – the individuals that attracted you to each other in the first place. If she likes pottery but you’d rather be at the gun range, why force yourselves into each other’s activities? You’ll only be a bummer if you’re bored, so it’s best to take a step back sometimes.

Got that done? Maybe you’ll find some fun new hobbies to do together, too – there’s nothing saying you can’t branch out and try new things you both enjoy.

November: Come up with an inside joke or a secret language.

You’ve spent some time apart, and you’ve spent some time together – surely you’ve learned something interesting to share with one another. November is all about forming a secret language or inside joke shared just between the two of you. It doesn’t have to be anything with a huge significance, but it should be important and memorable to the two of you.

I can’t clarify your inside jokes for you, but I can tell you that they don’t usually come from planned events – so spend as much time as you can doing the mundane things together, too. Sometimes there are gems hidden within the everyday moments that seem boring at the time. Spend some time making things more entertaining for the two of you, and find the humor in all its secret hiding spots.

After you’ve spent some time laughing and sharing secrets, it’s a good time to remind yourselves of who you want to be next year, too.

December: Learn to do your own thing.

Congratulations – you’ve planned out an entire year’s worth of relationship-building activities! Now it’s time to recharge your own batteries and focus on what you want to accomplish next. Set your plans for next year, and compare them to make sure they mesh well – but then give yourselves permission to break away from the codependence of the relationship. I promise, it’s for the best.

You’ve spent all year growing closer together, and reinforcing those bonds with a little bit of separation is so helpful to the process. Make plans to grow into the best version of yourself – not just for your partner, but for you. If your relationship is already on the right track, the version of you that’s best for you will also be the version that’s best for your relationship – take pride in knowing that you can plan a future together without being joined at the hip.

For an extra challenge, feel free to repeat the process next year, too – there’s no such thing as perfection, and there is always room to improve. Take care of yourself, and each other.

14 Super Easy Ways to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Loved

This time of year, we’re reminded of just how important the people we care about are. I’ve heard advertisements about not buying your mail woman underwear for Christmas, seen ads about the magic of the holiday season, and of course there’s every holiday movie imaginable on television.

But even with all the spirit of giving around us, the most important gifts are the things you can’t buy – love, respect, appreciation… So, here’s the holiday gift-giving guide you really need.

1. Check in when she feels sick or sad.

One of the sweetest little things you can do for any of the important people in your life. Did she post something on social media that seemed sad? Did you throw a sad reaction emoji on it or did you actually reach out to ask what was wrong? Checking in with your loved ones only takes a few minutes and it shows that you care enough to spend your time on them.

2. Tell her you appreciate her.

While most people know that telling your loved ones that you love them is a big deal, you should let them know that you also appreciate them if you want them to feel truly loved. Small acts of gratitude can make all the difference between a not-so-great day and a not-so-bad day, so take a few minutes to brighten her day – it might even make yours better, too.

3. Cook her favorite meal.

There’s definitely something special about a home-cooked meal, so taking the time to find out what her favorite is and then learning to make it will definitely bring her some holiday cheer. If you’re not the best cook, ask her to cook it with you – then you get bonding time and you get to learn something new.

4. Share something entertaining.

The fastest way to make her smile is to make her laugh, so make sure you’re putting in the effort to bring humor to her life. Whether that means tagging her in an inside joke on Facebook, messaging her a funny picture, or just sending her a joke over SMS, a good attitude and a fun joke can be a great pick-me-up on a humdrum day.

5. Share something encouraging.

Life isn’t always funny – and that’s okay. You should encourage your girlfriend whenever possible, too. Is she taking on a tough client at work? Does she want to quit her job and move to the rainforest? Be supportive! As long as her dreams don’t directly interfere with your own, there’s no reason they can’t coexist. Empower her to be the best version of herself, and watch her as she achieves her wildest dreams.

6. Buy her something out of thoughtfulness, rather than obligation.

The holiday season also happens to fall around my anniversary (12/24), so gift-giving during this time usually goes to others. Happy couples buy each other useful, thoughtful gifts, rather than just buying something because “it’s what you do.” Don’t get me wrong – birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are great times to give gifts, too, but when they say it’s the thought that counts, they mean that the act of gift-giving should be based on the gift recipient – not on the obligation of the date.

7. Let her know she’s part of the family.

Particularly if she comes from a family that has rejected her because of her sexuality, it’s important that she feels welcome, invited, and comfortable as a part of her partner’s family. Regardless of your relationship with your own during this holiday season, let her know that she’s an invaluable part of your life and you want her to stay in it.

8. Share your space with her.

As intimate as physical and emotional closeness are, just being in each other’s presence can be nice, too. As an introvert, it’s hard for me personally to allow someone to enter my places of solitude, but the simple act of inviting someone into a private part of your world is often one of the most romantic gestures an introvert can make. Have you allowed your girlfriend into your sanctuary?

9. Tell her “I love you” randomly.

Along with gift-giving, the words “I love you” can lose some of their meaning when given out of duty or obligation. Instead, tell her you love her when you think of how much you love her – not just when she says it to you or before you leave the house. These little words don’t lose their meaning by being said too often, they only lose their meaning if they’re said out of habit.

10. Be there when she needs you.

Your physical presence in her life most likely means a lot to her, but even if you can’t be there in the flesh you can still be there for her. If you know she’s going through a rough time, make yourself a little more available. She may try to resist taking your help, but you can be sure that she appreciates it.

11. Leave her love notes and doodles.

Creating something out of nothing is one of the most amazing powers we have as human beings – and articulating your love, either through art or words, is a way to show your girlfriend exactly how much you care. Your notes and doodles don’t need to be masterpieces, nor do they need an exquisite canvas – a black pen on a sticky note is likely plenty.

12. Remember the little things.

Some people have a hard time remembering names, dates, phone numbers, or appointments, but the things that matter most to us, we find a way to remember. For me, that means stacks of notebooks to reflect on my days, because the act of writing things down helps to commit them to memory. For others, it might be mementos and souvenirs that do the trick. Whatever your best way to remember is, make the effort to remember the things that matter to her – and it’ll show her that she matters to you, too.

13. Take on a chore she doesn’t like.

No one really likes any chore, but everyone has that one chore they absolutely hate. For me, it’s sweeping and mopping, and for my girlfriend, it’s the litter box. Even though neither of us really cares to do those things, the simple act of taking away each other’s most dreaded chore is an act of love – and it’s one that holds tremendous meaning. (And every now and then, she takes my turn with the other chores, too – it really is a blessing.)

14. Do chores and run errands together.

Lastly – and this one was suggested by my girlfriend when she heard about this list – find little ways to do more things together. Even with the busy schedules we keep, we can find time to do some of those things together. Doing those boring things together will make them a little less boring and help keep you motivated along the way – there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the mundane in life, too.

Queer Women Are the Biggest Victims Of Revenge Porn, Study Says

One out of every 25 Americans has been threatened with or been a victim of revenge porn.

Consent isn’t just for sex. Sharing sexual images of someone without their permission is a major violation of privacy that is punishable by law in most states. It’s called revenge porn, and it’s just as insidious as the name implies.

The biggest victims of revenge porn are lesbian and bisexual women. In a survey conducted of 3,000 teenage and adult internet users, 15% of lesbian and bisexual respondents said someone had threatened them with revenge porn, and 7% said that someone had actually posted the porn. Two-thirds of these victims were teenagers or young adults under age 30.

If you’ve been a victim of revenge porn, you have a few legal options. If the photo is a selfie, then it’s possible to use federal copyright laws to your advantage and have the image removed. And if you report revenge porn to the police in thirty-four states or DC, the perpetrator can be punished by law.

Sadly, that’s easier said than done. Police officers commonly complain that they have no way of tracking down the perpetrator (which is false) and, as in most sexual harassment and assault cases, officers often blame the victim.

There’s also the biggest advantage and disadvantage of the internet: It catalogs everything forever. Even if you can get the photos taken down from one website, there’s no way to ensure that the photo won’t pop up on another website the next day.

Why does revenge porn mostly target women – especially queer women? In addition to the fact that women are simultaneously hypersexualized and slut-shamed 24/7, revenge porn ties into domestic violence. Although LGBT women and men both have similar rates of having their pictures exposed (roughly 7%), LGBT women are threatened twice as often. Researcher Amanda Lenhart speculates that threatening someone with revenge porn is an all-too-common coercive tactic used by abusive partners.

If you have been threatened with or made a victim of revenge porn, get more information on your legal options here.

‘Desert Hearts’ Is Getting A Sequel

I remember when I saw Blue is the Warmest Color about three years ago; the bitter taste it left in me had nothing to do with the nature of the sex scenes, or about the guy waxing poetic about female orgasm in a room full of queer women. After all, it was the first movie solely about lesbians I ever saw after already having questioned my sexuality for a couple of years.

What felt the worst when I left the theatre, was that feeling of incompleteness, of having been let down: why wasn’t the scenario all dreamy, cliché and ideal? Why did Adèle cheat on Emma with a guy and they had to break up, drowning their sorrow in more spaghetti Bolognese?

I didn’t know why I felt that specific need; after all real life generally isn’t dreamy, cliché and ideal. That of course, until I knew: this movie, being the only lesbian movie I had seen up to that point, made up the 100% of lesbian representation I had in my life.

I know that this is no sufficient statistic sample to rely upon, but it still was, and it was trying to tell me one thing: as a queer woman you’ll never have a happy ending.

The following year I watched a dozen more of movies featuring queer women. The statistic sample broadened, and the result remained similar: most queer women in movies either end up with a guy, die, commit suicide or murder – and break up somewhere along the process. Whenever I wanted to discuss and criticize that –specifically for Blue is the Warmest Color and for this year’s Orange is the New Black episode-that-must-not-be-named-and-the-existence-of-which-I-still-refuse-to-acknowledge – people told me that they didn’t find that to be a problem: it was realistic. People break up in real life.

People die in real life. Lesbians and bi women are people, so naturally they break up, they die, and their stories have bad endings.

The thing is that, always statistically speaking, the endings for straight – and obviously cis – people in mainstream films and TV series are not always that realistic. There are hundreds of movies with discouraging and realistic endings, but for every such romantic movie, there is a dozen or romantic movies with pulled-by-the-hair, intensely enhanced, unlikely, unrealistic and unbelievably cheerful endings, in which it seems like the entire universe stopped dealing with its shit for a little while to get Brandon and Mary together in the middle of a rainy 5th Avenue on New Year’s Eve. Why couldn’t we just as easily have Brenda, Mary and their seven cats snuggle happily in their cottage on the last shot of a rom-com? Why do we have to dig so freaking deep in indie Imdb lists to find that rom-com?

The world of cinema, after all, is supposed to be the world of dreams. The world of everything, to be more specific: of dreams, of romance, of drama, of realism, yes, but also the world where everything could happen.

Well, everything apart from the cats and cottage and the happy lesbians.

This is exactly what made the 1986 indie movie Desert Hearts so special: in Donna Deitch’s movie, set in the 1950s, Professor Vivian Bell arrives in Nevada in order to get a divorce from an unsatisfying marriage, and meets Cay Rivvers at the ranch where she stays. Rivvers is an out lesbian who draws her into an affair and their romance sparks in a Western setting and soundtrack.

What’s amazing about this film is that the ending is uncharacteristically happy. It’s thought to be the first lesbian film where the protagonists not only survive till the end, but their relationship even gets stronger. Especially considering when it was made, this is somewhat a miracle, revolutionary even for today. It is thought to be a generally sweet and heartwarming film, following the two women, the problems they face and the building of their relationship in depth, featuring some great and unique scenes.

As Robin Morgan, author and second-wave feminist then said: “This was the first lesbian love story—first same-sex love story at all—in which the protagonists were not either porn actors and in which one or both of whom didn’t kill themselves at the end,” and today added that it could be hard for millennials to imagine the atmosphere of complete lesbian invisibility that prevailed back then.

Deitch was told that she would never be able to work in the same town again, and the actors who participated in the movie (even the ones in straight roles) were told that this was a career-ender. She said that after the film’s premier she received “not a very nice review” by The New York Times critic Vincent Canby, whom she later called “not a very nice man”. According to her, such a review from the New York Times was a death sentence back in the day, but Deitch wouldn’t give up: she advertised the film on her own with self-made leaflets that she handed around town with her brother, to people waiting outside cinemas.

Still, Desert Hearts almost reached box office records and was embraced by multiple film festivals when the movie was launched. Deitch was even asked by Oprah Winfrey to direct the TV miniseries The Women of Brewster Place, featuring one of the first lesbian couples that appeared on TV. Her TV career went on for 25 years and she won an Emmy award, a Hugo award and the Sundance Special Jury Prize for Desert Hearts.

After 25 years, Deitch announced at NBC Out, at a screening of the film at New York’s Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), the making of a sequel to the first movie Desert Hearts.  At the MoMA event, she introduced the stars Helen Shaver (Vivian Bell) and Patricia Charbonneau (Cay Rivvers) who stood up and kissed on the stage. Charbonneau’s daughter was also there. She was called “the Desert Hearts’ Baby” since her mother was pregnant with her during the screening of the film.

Deitch is raising funds for the sequel which will be set in New York – that being the only information that has been shared about the project. She recalled her fundraising process for the first movie that took two years to be completed, in the queer-hostile Hollywood environment of the ‘80s.

Deitch had to sell her house in order to raise money, as well as shares that costed $15,000 for a limited partnership. The main funding resources though, came from feminists and lesbians. “There were straight men, gay men, it was a mix,” she said, “People saw it as a potentially quite commercial film.”

Her fundraising methods were more like those used in political organizing than akin to normal Hollywood studio backing – money raised mostly within the community.

The sequel of Desert Hearts is enthusiastically expected, and we hope for it to set a path for more optimistic, encouraging queer movies that will remind us that we deserve a little piece of happiness in the world.

9 Ways To Tell If The Girl You Like Is Interested In You

It’s so hard to tell sometimes if a girl is into you or just being polite. The only way to be 100% sure is to just ask her outright, but hay, if she says ‘I like you and all that, but…’ then there is a good chance your self-esteem will hit the ground and your embarrassment level reaches the roof, so we’ve come up with some signs that might help you work out if she’s into you or not.

She Always Discusses Her Queerness With You

If she talks about being queer a lot with you, how she came out, what being queer means to her or how she perceives being queer there is a good chance this is a hint, especially if she looks intensely at you while she is speaking.

She Gives You Direct Compliments

Does she tell you she thinks you are beautiful, or she loves your eyes or tells you how smart you are? If yes, we tend to do this indirectly towards someone we like. Another clincher is if you are a redhead for example and she drops into conversation ‘oh, I have a real thing for redheads.’

She is Awkward Around You

Sometimes when someone likes you they become really awkward in your presence so if she gets tongue tied, blushes or simply becomes socially awkward when she is with you or around you this could be an indication you are rocking her boat.

She Remembers Things You Have Said

When a person pays attention to what you are saying and absorbs the information it is normally a sign that they are interested in what you are talking about and are interested in you. The chances are that she remembers your favourite wine or she asks you how your presentation went at work that she told you about you might well be in there.

She Spends A Lot Of Time With You

Whether she spends time with you on your own or in a group, if she always seems to be where you are this is a good hint that she likes you and enjoys your company.

She Acts Differently Around You

Many girls behave differently around the person they are attracted to, for example, they are more giggly, flirty or touchy – feely, so try and watch how she behaves around others. If she seems to be different around you there is a chance you might be onto something.

She Touches You A Lot

We don’t mean that she grabs your butt as you walk past, but if she seems to touch your arm when she speaks, or moves your hair from your face these signs can be a form of flirting for some women.

Lots Of Communication

Do you get lots of texts from her, or lots of interaction from her on social media? We all live busy lives so meeting face to face can be difficult so if the girl you like has suddenly been communicating with you a lot more then she might well be keen on you too.

It Seems More Than Like

A person that gives you thoughtful little gifts, makes eye contact with you constantly, always wants to buy you drinks and you ‘sense’ she likes you there is a probably a good chance she does! Sometimes trusting our inner voice is the most reliable source we have so if your heart tells you she’s into you, go for it because deep down you know all the signs are there.

12 Charming Ways to Impress Her on the First Date

First dates can be terrifying as well as exciting, especially if you are really into the girl. So what is the best way to behave to make sure you leave her desperate to see you again? Follow these tips below for the best way to bag that second date.

Don’t Panic

Try not to panic as there is nothing worse than going on a date with someone that is acting clumsy and has sweaty hands because she is nervous, so try to stay calm. It is only a date after all.

Do Your Research

Without acting like a stalker check out her social media pages and ask any mutual friends a little bit about her so you can find out what kind of person she is.

Be Early

There is nothing better than seeing your date sat waiting for you when you arrive as it shows that your date is keen, so arrive a little bit early and whatever you do, don’t be late.

Mention Things You Know About Her

If you found out that she loves animals or has a hobby, mention it to her. She’ll be really flattered that you tried to find out some things about her.

Ask Her Questions About Her Likes And Dislikes

The best way to get to know someone is to ask them. So if you love to surf or travel, ask her if she enjoys it as well. Ask her what her favourite films are and what she enjoys doing the most. It will show her that you are keen to get to know her and girls just love to feel they are interesting to someone else.

Tell Her She Looks Nice

Your date may have made an effort and bought something new, or she might have just arrived in her casual clothes that she feels comfortable in. But if you think she looks great, tell her so. She’ll love the fact you notice how she looks.

Accept Any Compliments She Gives You

If your date compliments you on your outfit or hairstyle accept the compliment and thank her. Having the ability to accept a compliment shows a little confidence in yourself and that is a good characteristic to have.

Choose Foods To Eat That You Are Comfortable With

Depending on what you have agreed to do for the evening, if it involves eating make sure you choose foods that you enjoy or are comfortable eating. If you know when you eat a burger that most of it ends up down your tee-shirt a first date is not the time to show her this and besides you won’t enjoy your meal or her company if you are too busy stressing over getting in a mess.

Be Open To Her Suggestions

It’s not so important where you go on your first date but if she suggests she would like to go and see a local band play then go along with it, even if it’s not your idea of a first date. You can always be the one to decide where to go for your second date.

Flirt A Little

Don’t be afraid to flirt with her a little bit. It will make her feel special and will let her know that you are into her. You will also be able to tell how she feels about you if she flirts back and there is nothing better than building up to a goodnight snog at the end of the evening.

Be Yourself

Whatever you do, don’t try to pretend to be something you are not. If she’s a techno geek and you can barely work your cell phone, don’t tell her you’re a geek as well. Let her get to know and see the real you. After all, getting to know each other is all part of the fun.

Have Fun

Finally, try to have fun. If you are getting on well and you enjoy yourself, it’s a great sign that this could be the start of something great. Even if it turns out you are not that compatible romantically you might have made a new friend and having fun together is important no matter which direction your relationship takes.

The Emotional Roller Coaster Women Endure When PMSing At The Same Time As Their Girlfriend

Coping with PMS is a nightmare for any woman, queer or straight, but when you are PMSing with your boo as well it is a complete nightmare. As our cycles strangely synch with our partners over time it means that we are not only coping with our own hormones flying all over the place but we are coping with our partner’s as well.

Plus, who can give us those reassuring hugs that we so desperately need right before our period? Not your partner if she is PMSing as well that’s for sure, because there is a chance you would both self-combust due to our higher body temperatures during this time.

Below is the journey we endure with our partners as we cope with our joint PMS together.

Impeding Feelings Of Doom

Those feelings that something terrible is going to happen are horrible and what is worse is when you mention them to your partner, she also feels the same. So, there are no reassuring hugs that everything is OK, there is no logical talking that nothing bad is going to happen, it’s just your PMS taking over. Instead the pair of you simply sink into a depression together until your period arrives and life seems less scary again.

Fighting About Nothing

To say our tolerance during PMS is low is probably an understatement. Which means things that normally never bother you become the biggest problems ever as you shout at your girlfriend for leaving the milk out of the fridge and she hollers back at you for not putting the bread back in the bread bin. Sound familiar? Yes, we know why we are acting the way we are, but boy, it’s just so hard to stop because our PMS pretty much turn us into hormone raged monsters with no self-control or logic apparent for at least a few days.

Searching For Subtext In Your Fights

While we are arguing over nonsense with our boo we can’t focus on anything else at that time, but when we eventually calm down we then start thinking that perhaps it’s not just because of our PMS and perhaps there are deeper reasons why our girlfriend is so argumentative.  As we are thinking these things it slips our mind that our partner is likely to be having the exact same thoughts as well.

The Big Talk

Not content with fighting, wallowing and imagining all sorts many of us then decide to go one step further and end up having a deep and meaningful talk with our girlfriend about all kinds of heavy things that we wouldn’t dare say normally. Before you know it, you are talking about marriage and children and life insurance, even if a few hours ago, you were both biting each other’s heads off. The result? These talks normally end in tears with both of you feeling rejected that you don’t both want the same things and it is a sure sign that your relationship is doomed, when the reality is you are simply seeking validation from your partner because of the way you are feeling but unfortunately, she is seeking the same and neither of you can give the other what they need just now.


Then a few days later the reasons become crystal clear as your period arrives. While most women groan as they see the blood, chicas PMSing together leap for joy because it means your relationship is not doomed, your boo is not sleeping with your best friend and nothing bad is going to happen at all. It was simply your period.

Sexual Tension

Unfortunately, that feeling of joy doesn’t stay for long as it then means you and your partner can’t have sex and as with all things forbidden, this simply means we want it more. So, we go through the sexual tension when all we want to do is show our girlfriend how much we love them and all we want to do is to make them groan in pleasure as our way of apologizing. But we can’t because nature is not going to allow either of us to do any going down for the next week. Back comes the depression.

Post period sex

The last part of our roller coaster ride is the best. It’s like the sun is out, the sky is blue and the flowers smell wonderful, no matter what time it year it is. The bleeding has stopped and now you can both have the most mind-blowing sex ever – well the best for at least a month since you had your last bout of post period sex. This lasts for around 18 days until you get that text from your girlfriend telling you she doesn’t think you respect her hamster. And the whole sorry cycle starts all over again…

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9 Reasons Why Butch/Femme Relationships Still Rock

Lots of femme queers adore butch women and vice versa so here are the top reasons why butch and femme relationships are simply the best.

Butch – Femme Couples get attention

There is nothing better than making a bold statement and when people look and question ‘is it a guy and a girl’ or ‘is that two girls?’ it gives the straights something to think about and that is a deffo positive.

The relationship is non-conventional

Despite people thinking that a butch/femme couple are simply copying hetro conventions of a guy/girl partnership, nothing is further from the truth. Butch women don’t want to be men, they just like the more masculine image. Plus, femme girls don’t want to be with a man, or they would be. So, a butch/femme set up is unconventional.

Idiots simply don’t get it

Amazingly, many people don’t understand a butch – femme relationship at all and in some cases, they are convinced that the butch girl is a man anyway, despite what they are told. However, playing with people’s perceptions, expectations and assumptions are all part of the territory when it comes to butch-femme relationships.

Your styles are completely different

The days of sharing clothes, grooming products and perfume are long gone in a butch- femme relationship. There is no chance you are going to look like identical twins when you go out and its cool that neither of you have to worry that your favourite boyfriend jeans or designer heels are going to be pinched by your partner.

There are no arguments over identities

Who is Jack and who is Rose? No questions needed on that one in a butch/femme relationship. It’s quite clear from the offset.

Boxers Vs Lace

Firstly, take off the jeans then slip off the dress. Down to lingerie and jockeys. There is nothing hotter than that. Besides, when they come off you are both the same and know exactly what to do. Totally hot and totally cool and a time for gender playtime.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

Surely these two are the hottest pair around and a fine example of a butch/femme partnership enjoying everything it has to offer.

Opposites attract

They sure do. One likes the hairdressers, painted nails and sexy dresses. The other likes jeans, sports and drinking from a pint. But the most important thing is you like each other and adore your differences.

It annoys bigots

Apparently to femme women are more acceptable than a butch and femme together? Why? Because bigots think two women are only around to give men a hard dick. Sorry to limp your stick but bigots – get used to it! The butch/femme combo is here to stay and if it annoys you – tough!

11 Reasons Introverts Make The Best Girlfriends

Are you considering dating an introvert? If you’ve never dated an introvert before, let me tell you: We’re a special breed.

We’re generally calm and shy, at least until we get to know someone.

We’re more comfortable in a one-on-one setting than we are in large groups, and it can take us time to get comfortable enough to bare our souls.

We might be insecure, and we need appreciation, trust, and love just as much as (if not more than) our extroverted peers. Still, that doesn’t mean that introverts are boring or over-emotional – here are 11 reasons why introverts are actually the best.

1. We’re totally faithful.

It takes time for an introvert to actually fall for someone – and we definitely don’t take relationships lightly. We’d rather play it safe than take unnecessary risks, so we’re not going to have any wild oats to sow. We know that faithfulness creates a deeper bond, and we would rather have one deeper connection than just a series of trysts.

2. We’re great listeners.

Introverts understand how important it is to communicate clearly, so we pay attention to every detail of the things our girlfriends tell us. We want to make sure we have the most well-crafted answers, so we take time to process things before responding. Introverts know just how precious words can be, too, so we’ll even listen to the things you don’t say.

3. We’ll give you space.

Introverts recharge in our alone time so that we can handle the drain of the crowd. This alone time means a lot to us, but it also gives you the opportunity to do your own thing. We aren’t clingy, and we won’t stand in the way of your hobbies. You do you – we’ll be here waiting when you get back.

4. We’re empathetic.

Introverts are especially in touch with our intuition and our surroundings, so we can pick up on the changes in mood and feelings. This means that we’d never say something just to hurt you, because your happiness is our happiness. You’re our rock in this world – so we’re devoted to helping keep you solid.

5. We’re more thoughtful than most.

Introverts don’t rush into things or jump to conclusions – making us excellent gift-givers. We won’t buy you a gift just because tradition calls for something, because we know what you really like and would rather get you something that made us think of you. We’re also better on paper, so you can expect some love notes or doodles from time to time.

6. We’re honest.

Introverts are knowledgeable and self-aware, and we keep firm control over our words. That means there’s no time for insincerity or dishonesty – that falls under the category of “small talk” which is to be avoided. We’d rather have a deep, honest chat that allows us to be selective about the words we use.

7. We’re more energetic than you might expect.

While introverts often thrive in the areas of logic and reason, we’re also passionate about the things that matter to us – and we’d love to share that passion with you sometime, if we feel comfortable with you. We would prefer not to argue, but when disagreements do come up, we’d rather explain our perspective than hash it out. Most of the time, though, we’re bubbly and loving once you get past the hard exterior.

8. We plan our actions.

Introverts don’t just pick something on a whim – choices take thought and careful planning to make sure we know what we’re getting ourselves into. We consider our options carefully before moving forward. This extends to the people we choose to keep around ourselves, too – we’d rather have a small, selective group than a bunch of acquaintances, so if you make it to our inner circle, be assured that you’re very special to us.

9. We crave intimacy.

Introverts would rather have “real” than “instant” – so we’ll take our time to form a sincere bond. We are the masters of the one-on-one relationship, and we’d rather solve our problems without gossiping about them. We have no time for shallow conversations, but when you get us onto a topic we feel strongly about, we’d love to hear your thoughts.

10. We’ll teach you new things.

Introverts know the importance of slowing down, which makes us great at analyzing and learning about things. We share our most insightful observations with the people who matter to us, and we might even notice things about you that you’d never noticed before. We can even teach you how to appreciate the little moments!

11. We’ll understand.

Introverts are naturally drawn to problem-solving, and we see mysteries as challenges we need to conquer. We look closely at every side of an issue before we form our opinions about it, which gives us next-level perspective over things. We can offer possible explanations and solutions for the struggles in life, and we’ll be there to support you as you make your way through them.

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Why Gender Roles Are Bad for Your Relationship

Do you and your partner conform to traditional gender roles?

Less and less couples seem to follow the strict patterns set out in past generations, but there’s still enough attention on it that people give you a funny look when they find out you don’t follow the traditional paths. I’ll admit that I’ve been in heteronormative relationships myself, although they’re definitely not my favorite.

It’s more than just a personal preference, though – there are actually a bunch of reasons why being in a relationship with rigid expectations is so hard on you – and we’ve rounded up 8 of the biggest.

Gender roles make things a lot less interesting.

When you’re dating someone, you want to be dazzled and surprised, right? Well, gender roles take out quite a bit of the mystery involved, making the whole relationship a lot less exciting. It applies a rigid set of rules for each partner, even if one of the partners doesn’t understand or accept the expectations set forth. What’s even creepier is the fact that it promotes obedience and conformity over personality and individuality. Which, let’s face it, are two of the most important things in a partner. Do you really want to be with someone who’s exactly like everyone else?

That’s not to say that you can’t do the traditionally-expected roles in your relationship – and, in fact, it might be the easiest and most fitting option for you and your partner. But it shouldn’t be an expectation – it should be a serious personal decision from each of you. If you’re simply expecting your partner to perform a certain set of duties, without discussing your expectations, there’s a problem. Your partner needs to confirm that they are able and willing to meet your expectations, or else help come up with a compromise that makes you both happy.

Gender roles invalidate autonomy.

None of the roles we play in life are actually permanent or well-defined – but as humans we try to make sense of the chaos, and sometimes the easiest way to do that is to grab onto a definition that’s already out there, and ride it out until we know otherwise. But just because that’s the easiest way to do it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it – and, in fact, everything in life is involved by everyone directly involved, and literally no one else. Your love life and your home life are no exception here.

Automatically applying gender roles to a relationship takes away the opportunity for a serious conversation about each partner’s likes, dislikes, and expectations in the relationship. You may find out that you both have specific roles you want to perform in the relationship, and that those roles are complementary – great! But if you don’t ever talk about it, you’ll never actually know if your partner is happy. And, if you never revisit those roles when situations change, you may be forcing your partner into a box they’ve outgrown, which is never fun for anyone.

Gender roles are heteronormative AF.

While gender roles are not really great for any relationship, they are definitely more disadvantageous to those who don’t fit within the traditional male/female relationship binary balance. Relationships that involve two men, two women, or any other combination of two or more people are already set back from the time they leave the gate, because the natural balance of things won’t be well-defined at all.

The truth is that very few, if any, romantic or sexual relationships can be fit into such a tight mold, even in the cishetero community. Allowing gender roles to run your relationship normalizes “polar opposite” behavior, which leaves room for resentment and frustration from any partner who doesn’t fit the outlines set out for them. And, of course, it unnecessarily genders things that really don’t need to be gendered. I mean, just think about it for a second: If gender roles were real, lesbians would spend all day cuddling and crying, and gay male couples would spend all day fighting and having sex – every single day. Doesn’t sound too realistic now, does it?

Gender roles place barriers on self-improvement.

It’s human nature to want to be a better version of ourselves whenever and in whatever ways we can, but the idea that we fit into a specific role that was predefined before we were even born takes away our mental abilities to make ourselves better. Society says that women (and “more feminine” partners) should be tidy and organized, culinary goddesses, and – of course – that they should be caring and nurturing every minute of every day. Men (and “more masculine” partners), on the other hand, are expected to be shot-callers, income-bringers, and aggressive protectors – without ever acknowledging their own emotions.

But, the perfect partner is all of those things and so much more. The only issue here is that perfection should be a personal journey – not a stipulation one must adhere to before your love is given. Life doesn’t actually come with an easy-to-understand instruction manual, and our journeys toward being a good partner, a good person, and even a good parent (if we so choose) are all separate journeys. They each deserve their own attention, and trying to let your relationship define all three journeys for you leaves no room for what you really want. Again, if the things you want are defined by a traditional structure, then more power to you, but you must reach that conclusion for yourself.

Emotions get manipulated and assumed within the roles.

In a traditional binary relationship, the more masculine partner gets all the control, while being discouraged from being “soft.” Expressions of one’s emotions are seen as a weakness, with the exception of anger and aggression. It assumes that what the more masculine partner says goes, because there’s no way that the partner’s emotions could be getting in the way of things.

The more feminine partner, on the other hand, is discouraged from showing any sort of aggression or frustration – and it’s assumed that stress is just a part of the partner’s life, to be swallowed and dealt with alone. Requesting help is frowned on, too, because this partner is supposed to be the one taking requests and demands, not handing them out. If she does request help, it’s often seen as “nagging.”

But humans don’t usually fall into such strict definitions, as we’ve already discussed. Holding back your emotions isn’t good for everyone, and traditional gender roles are built around the idea of keeping your emotions to yourself. Communication is such an important part of any relationship, it’s hard to picture how anyone could be happy without that line of communication being open!

Gender roles favor one person indefinitely.

Remember when we said that your roles in life are not permanent or well-defined? Well, that means that those roles are bound to change at some point – either circumstantially or through clarifications. Your “place” in the relationship needs to be flexible to make up for those changes, or else the relationship will fall apart right when you need each other the most. If the “breadwinner” in the family gets injured and can’t work, will the “nurturer” be able to pick up the pieces and take over that section of your lives together?

The idea that your roles are pre-defined and inflexible also leads to feelings of resentment and frustration, even if there’s never a major crisis on the horizon. We tend to resent things we feel like we “have to” do – which takes all the romance out of otherwise-loving gestures. Because, believe it or not, doing something that makes your partner happy is pretty much the most loving gesture you can possibly do, but they need to go both directions.

Gender roles kill your sex life, too.

Too much rigidity and structure in the bedroom is no fun for anyone – one of the best parts about a healthy sexual relationship is excitement and a willingness to try new things. When one partner is expected to do more of the “giving” and the other partner more of the “receiving” – with no attention paid to actual desire levels – your sexual relationship can start to veer toward super unhealthy behaviors, fast.

Beyond that, one partner’s needs and wants should never be more important than the others, so assuming that your partner only needs sex when you need sex, or that they always want it when you want it, will inevitably lead to a sex life that feels more like a chore than an intimate act. (And, for those of you who didn’t know, most studs like orgasms, too. Make sure you spread that one around because a lot of women don’t even bother to try.)

TBH, very few people actually enjoy cleaning.

One of the most frustrating gender roles I personally deal with regularly is the idea of cooking and cleaning. Some people truly are tidy, well-organized, and keep a spotless living area. They easily squeeze in the cleaning in between everything else they have going on, and literally never put off cleaning up after themselves and their partners. I am not one of those people. Cooking and cleaning are not very high up on my list of priorities, but things do get done. If I was with a partner who expected me to do all the housework without any help, it would never work out.

When both partners have commitments outside of the home – whether work, school, volunteer activities, or whatever else you may have going on – time is already pretty limited. Not only do you need to fit in your not-home activities, but you’ve also got to leave time for yourself and to focus on your relationship, too. When all the household expectations fall to one partner, there are sacrifices that must be made to compensate for that time. Why should one partner’s time be more valuable than the other’s? Adulting sucks – but dumping all the burden on one person sucks more.

Artist Spotlight: WhitneyKittyArt Makes Healing, Radical Art For Queer Women

Art is a radical display of self-love, especially for queer women and women of color. Many marginalized artists use art to define themselves, own their identities and protest oppressive systems.

Whitney’s artwork attracts me because of its bold colors and ethereal designs. She is a self-described “artist, empath and zine maker” whose work touches on her queer, multiracial identity; the human consciousness; and one’s relationship to self and others.


I sit down with her to discuss how art shapes her self-perception.

Art has played a very significant role in how I see myself and cope with all of the intersections of my identity,” Whitney says. “Art has this way of making all of these complex emotions that I feel a tangible item. It helps me with issues of my identity that I have had to confront, such as internalized racism and homophobia, and what it means to be a multiracial person of color.”

She shows me her new piece, Take Care of Yourself.


I have been creating a lot of work surrounding themes of identity, healing and safe spaces. I love to create images of women of color in their safe spaces. I like to imagine that they are in deep thought and are amazing, powerful beings.”

Her face lights up as she points out each element of her piece, from the Take Care of Yourself banner stringing the wall to the whiskers on the woman’s bodysuit. Flowers seem to bloom from the woman’s head. The moon glows behind purple crystals. The piece is somehow relatable yet mystical

Whitney shows me her other project, brightly colored clay succulents.


The succulents that I have made are about the balance of resilience and tenderness,” she says. “These plants are very strong, and yet they can be so fragile, especially if they are not cared for properly. For me personally, this is a metaphor for a community. To be resilient but also tender.” She’s selling the succulents to raise money for Planned Parenthood.

Whitney reflects for a moment about the themes of her work.

Some of my pieces are about being in love, being proud of who I am, healing, being truly happy or content. A lot of times with each piece comes a series of emotions involving me living with some or all of these things, but for me being a creator definitely helps with healing.”

She smiles.

I also love when I connect with others through art as well. I am lucky enough to have heard a lot of people’s stories because they found my art and wanted to share what the piece has made them think about within their own identities. For me, sharing stories is an important form of activism. It’s good to know that you’re not alone.

Purchase a succulent or see more of her work at Instagram.com/whitneykittyart. Visit her Etsy shop.

How To Be A Narcissist’s Soul Mate

Quick show of hands: Who has sat by and watched as their BFF invested her whole life into this one person who couldn’t have been more wrong for her? Most people have seen someone else showing signs that they’re in a dysfunctional relationship. They fight all the time, maybe they even break up every other week… Yet still they’re together for what seems like ages, each too stubborn to let the other one go.

Now, are you ready for a little bit of ugly truth? You’ve probably been one of those people, too. Everyone has different tolerances in relationships, and there are a number of factors that make someone more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Believe it or not, some of those things don’t spell out ultimate destruction, either – it is possible to be the soul mate to a narcissistic partner. Some people are more conditioned to be OK with that type of behavior. But everyone has their own boundaries, of course, and different situations will breed different coping mechanisms.

Curious how to make it work? Find the scenario that you feel applies best to you, and discover what that means for the future of your relationship.

You feel comfortable with your partner’s behavior.

To outsiders, your partner seems completely wrong for you. Maybe she’s mean, aggressive, needy, or otherwise not a good fit. But, to you, it’s all part of the dating game – you’ve got a pretty good handle on diffusing a hostile situation.

Or maybe it’s not that at all. Maybe you’re actually the narcissist, choosing to express yourself through passive-aggressive quips when it’s just the two of you. Your partner gets frustrated by your inability to show your anger in a productive way, and occasionally lashes out at you. While onlookers see this as abusive behavior, you two see that your partner is actually helping you find ways to better handle your emotions.

This situation can essentially be summed up as “other people don’t know the whole story.” The people who aren’t involved with your relationship usually can’t see what goes on behind closed doors (unless you’re the type to post your business on social media, but that’s another discussion for another day.) If you become concerned with the situation you’re in, professional relationship counseling may be a good choice for you – but you shouldn’t do it solely on other people’s recommendation. Only you know what you can handle, and only you know what’s really going on here. Act accordingly.

You’re used to fighting and then making up.

Some people are conditioned to be more OK with the fight/make up cycle than others. Whether you had parents or guardians who fought and loved passionately, or you personally react that way in relationships, you may be better equipped to handle the stresses that come with a yo-yo love like this. In fact, you are probably most comfortable in a relationship with someone who somehow reminds you of the person or people who raised you – it’s a psychological fact.

On the other side of things, you understand that everyone gets selfish and narcissistic sometimes – and that definitely includes you. You can see that your partner just needs a little more love (or a bit of distance, as appropriate), and you’re willing to help your partner come back around. For most people, narcissism is a temporary state, and it will pass in time – it only becomes a problem if it’s the default state of your relationship.

In this type of situation, it’s important that you each have your own established set of boundaries that you can both agree to. A true loving partnership entails that each partner wants to make the other happy, without sacrificing pieces of themselves in the process. If necessary, you may choose to turn to professional counseling to ensure that you’re taking the healthiest steps you can in your relationship.

You have learned to detach yourself from other people’s bad behavior.

In life, we learn how to set effective emotional boundaries – and that means removing blame on yourself for something that didn’t really have anything to do with you. It’s possible that you have managed to do this without consciously thinking about it, which would make you less vulnerable in high-energy, high-stakes relationships like yours.

Or, maybe those boundaries didn’t come into play until after you’d gotten with your ill-behaved partner. Understanding why they act the way they do can help you to distance yourself from the negativity, especially if there are mental illness issues to blame for the bad behavior. It’s not fail-proof, of course, but practicing acknowledging your own behavior and that of your partners – and seeing clear lines between the two – can help to cultivate the skill further.

However, just because you’re properly shielded against the hurt your partner’s behavior may cause doesn’t automatically mean that you shouldn’t seek help from a professional counselor, if that’s what you feel you need. In many cases, mental health issues can’t be managed without the help of a trained professional, and it’s a good idea to rule out any chance of unhealthy behaviors on your part, as well. In order for this approach to be effective, however, you’ll both need to be on board with the idea of therapy – you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.

You might just be codependent.

Unfortunately, not all relationships with a narcissist are meant to last – even if they do. Some people are in a chronic state of unromantic behavior, and you might be sitting by and enabling their bad behavior to continue. It’s important to assess within yourself if your relationship is really bringing you any happiness, or if it only causes you pain.

Likewise, it’s possible that you’re overlooking your own narcissistic behavior, and your partner is a codependent enabler. Narcissists are often drawn to codependent people because they often accept and even encourage the narcissistic behaviors – particularly if their parents or guardians set the tone for them sacrificing their own sense of self in a relationship.

If you feel there’s any chance that your relationship is codependent rather than romantic, it’s recommended that you each seek individual counseling to help mend any underlying problems. It might not be possible to save this relationship you’re currently in, but the sooner you address your codependence issues, the better the chances of avoiding a disaster in the making. You should never put yourself on the back burner to someone else, nor should you want your partner to put themselves on the back burner for you – it’s important that you both put yourselves first without sacrificing each other. You’re worth it – and she is, too.

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Things I Learned In My First Relationship

As an unchangeable introvert and overall hermit, finding that special someone has always been hard for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to date quite a lot, although all dates shared a common feature: uninterest. It was just another date night, when I met my first and current girlfriend, and oh boy have I learned a ton

about relationships since then!

Although I am no expert in the topic, here is a small list of things I have learned since I first started dating my  girlfriend.

1. Easy does it

In all past dates, I was always scrambling to find a common topic to talk about, desperately trying to avoid those few seconds of awkward silence in-between questions. Not with her. We were chatting non-stop for 3 hours, jumping from topic to topic while sharing endless glasses of wine in a dodgy bar. And awkward silence? There are plenty of moments of pure silence, where I just appreciate her company and let the wine sink in.

2. A new found appreciation for sleeping

I love slumber-parties but inevitably always hated going to sleep. Sharing the bed, (sometimes floor or camping mattress), with someone always ended up with me either sweating or shivering. Not with her. Cuddling up next to her and, better yet, waking up next to her, feels exponentially more comfortable than doing so alone. And, even more surprisingly, I went from being unable to nap, to falling asleep in her arms whenever I’ve had a rough day. I am not even joking, I still can’t nap alone.

3. Can we hang out later?

As previously mentioned, I am a natural introvert. If I spend more than a couple hours outside, I am dreaming of my couch and tea pretty much after the first 15 minutes. Not with her. I forgot to come home before a school day.

I. Forgot. To. Come. Home! Now, after a long day of classes and work, all I am dreaming of is my couch, my tea, and her. We mostly watch Harry Potter and SpongeBob, but I honestly couldn’t even begin to think of a better way to spend my free time.

4. Let’s talk about sex

Story time: Before meeting her, I was a virgin. So, the first time we had sex, I was quite clueless and the room was quite dark. Mid-sex, I ended up punching her nose, blood went everywhere and so did my will to live. Terrified and confused as hell, I tried to help the best I could, only to find her hysterically laughing while I got her some frozen peas and tissues. What did I learn? Sex is meant to be fun and sometimes, awkward situations happen!

We just talk/laugh about them and move on, mostly only bringing them back up to mock each other.

5. Balancing friends and a girlfriend is tough

I didn’t expect it to be so hard for me to keep up with school, work, check up on my friends AND date someone all at once. It’s super hard at times, and picking one over the other always ends up feeling horrible. I am still trying my hardest to keep up with everything and everyone, although it only gets harder and harder. Suggestions?

Thank you for making it through this very untypical and way too personal post. What was your first relationship like? Are you still together?

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5 Very Obvious Clues to Help You Know She’s into You

Gone are the days wherein you must pick flowers from the neighbor’s garden to tell if she’s into you or not. (Hopefully she is, yeah?)

Here are some of the most obvious giveaways you probably didn’t notice because you’re too busy drooling over her. (We understand, okay?)

She laughs a lot when she’s with you.

Okay, so maybe you’re just infinitely funny. But she laughs even when you’re not trying to joke. And at your most stupid ones. Really? How can you not know she may be into you more than you are into her?

She opens up.

Not everyone likes telling stories. Or the truth. When she opens up to you, it means she really trusts you. Which also automatically means she likes you in a way. You can do the math from there.

She’s (adorably) awkward beyond compare.

Uh, why else would she not be looking directly at you when chit-chatting? She’s a nervous wreck and it’s cute as hell. Don’t make fun of her clumsiness should it make an appearance, though. Instead, use it as a means of communicating with her. Let her know she’s got nothing to worry about. (And that you’re a klutz as well.)

She likes touching you.

Not that kind. Of course, it has to start somewhere. She’s almost always around you (albeit being a bit restless), and likes getting cozy, touchy-feely. Your arms, your shoulders. All that good stuff. You know the drill.

She asks you out.

Darling, that one-time dinner gig with friends isn’t just a one-time dinner gig with friends. I can’t believe you actually bought that weird ass excuse to get closer to you. She asked you out because she wanted to spend more time with you. She doesn’t care about dinner or friends. She wants you. Go get it, girl.

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The 7 Best Places to Have a Lesbian Date This Winter

Are you looking for a winter date idea that will help you make magical memories – without breaking the bank? Finding something fun (and warm!) to do during the colder months can be a bit of a chore in itself, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ve gathered up 7 of the best inexpensive winter date ideas that can help you beat the cold and bring you closer together. Don’t believe me? Just take a look!

1. Ice skating at the local ice rink.

First, let me throw out a little disclaimer: Please do not try to go skating on a frozen pond. Maybe it’s just my own anxiety talking here, but the chances are pretty good that the pond isn’t frozen all the way through, and you may break the ice in the worst way possible. Instead, opt for a local ice rink – whether indoor or outdoor – and have fun pretending you’re a professional figure skater. Most ice rinks serve hot cocoa and/or cider, too, or you can bring a travel mug full of your own. The best part is, if you’re clumsy (like me) and fall on your bum, you’re already icing it – say goodbye to bruises and lumps and contusions.

2. Check out that local coffee shop.

Local shops sometimes have higher prices than international chains, but for good reason: You’re not supporting some billionaire somewhere… You’re supporting a small family-owned business that often pays its employees better, and at the very least, treats them better. Check out some warm drinks that you haven’t had the pleasure of trying – just make sure you get different things so you can taste each other’s, too. (I’m pretty fond of dirty chai myself, but your experience may be different.)

3. Go to the theater together.

It doesn’t really matter whether you’re going to the movie theater or a local theater production of some obscure musical. With one, you’ll get to see the newest movies to come out, on a much larger screen than you (probably) have at your house. With the other, you’ll get a bit of culture. No matter which you choose, you’ll be getting a perfect excuse to cuddle in public. Opt for a romance – studies show that discussing those movies (and, in theory, plays) with your partner and comparing the things you see with the things you’re actually doing increases the chances of having a satisfying relationship.

4. Hit up your local library.

If you and your partner are both book lovers, the library is a great place to find a new book obsession… Or just spend an afternoon “traveling” to foreign (or fantastical) lands. It’s one of the least expensive ways to experience another culture, and it helps keep the love of local libraries alive. Seriously, as much as I love my Kindle and the books I’ve purchased, sometimes you just want a good book without all the commitments.

5. Go on a picnic at a “summer location.”

Places like lakes, rivers, and community parks often get neglected in the winter time, because people don’t want to sit out in the cold. While I totally understand that side of things, there are almost certainly no crowds at these places right now, so if you want to engage in a little PDA but one of you isn’t “out” yet, off-season is a great time to cuddle up in your warmest clothes. And besides, water sounds are calming anyway – wouldn’t it be nice to leave the stresses behind? (Assuming, of course, your local body-of-water isn’t frozen over… I repeat, do not try to ice skate on it if it is.)

6. Go on a road trip (if weather conditions are safe to do so).

Driving through sleet and snow can be scary and dangerous, but if you live somewhere it doesn’t get quite so grey and gloomy, most people are going to be staying inside. Take advantage of the open roads on non-holidays to play road games, make small (or big!) talk, and listen to the cheesiest road trip playlist you can think up. Just don’t forget to dress warm and plan accordingly!

7. Stay at home!

I know there are a lot of people out there who wouldn’t consider an at-home date to be a “real” date, but if you’re trying to save money and stay warm, nothing beats cuddling up under a thick blanket in front of the fireplace. If you don’t have a fireplace, consider making a faux fireplace and cranking the furnace up – we won’t tell anyone if you don’t.