We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: We’ve Been Dating For Months, BUT She’s Not Prepared To Call Me Her Girlfriend

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve been seeing this girl regularly for a month now, and things have been going well. We’re both enthusiastic about getting to know each other, doing cutesy & intimate stuff, etc. I feel so comfortable with her, and she’s respectful and understanding, so I want to extend the same and more to her.

I really like this girl, so I talked with her about where our relationship was going, explaining how I wanted to make it official with her. She didn’t give me an answer one way or another, instead telling me that she has daddy issues which affects the way she dates people (she’s bisexual btw). She said she typically looks for boys who resemble her (late) father, so she wasn’t sure if a romantic relationship with a girl was for her since it was so different than what she was used to. Finally, she said, “I can’t have a girlfriend. It’s just not what I’m comfortable with.”

But! Here’s the kicker. She also told me that she likes me a lot, is attracted to me and “doesn’t want to lose” me. She essentially treats me like her girlfriend, but seems hesitant to make it official.

I’m not sure what to make of this. I’m the first girl she’s been involved with romantically, so I get that much. We still talk and hang out with each other. Even after we had that discussion, she initiated cuddling and then kissed me, which surprised me since I was confused by what she said earlier.

Do I wait? I want to be with her and she seems to want the same, but she tells me otherwise? Help…

Nowadays, with everyone trying to “keep it simple” and casual, it’s making stuff so much more complicated. People are afraid to express their feelings because they’re afraid of getting hurt. But often, they’re hurting someone else by doing it – and it might even be worse because it’s unintended.

In your lady’s situation, it’s even more complicated because she’s not certain of her own limits. She knows she likes being with you, but she doesn’t want to set herself up for failure by throwing a label on things. If she’s not comfortable with labeling it you really have two choices:

1. Accept that there is no official title to your relationship. You can wait for her to change her mind, but it’s important that you understand that might never happen. Or…
2. Apologize and tell her that you want to be with someone who’s certain. It might come across harsh, but if it’s truly a requirement for you, you must be honest with yourself, and with her.

Let me give you a little example from my own life, as I think it might help.

My current partner and I met on very strange terms. I was reeling from some issues in my past (which were much more recent at the time). I didn’t want to put a label on things because I wasn’t absolutely certain that I could be monogamous. I’m not a cheater, and I would never intentionally put myself in a position to be tempted. Since I was sort of seeing someone else when I met my partner (unofficially), I refused to label either scenario.

The other girl I was seeing wasn’t really relationship-bound, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I was willing to give her my everything, but she wouldn’t settle down with me. You can’t force someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in, which is why I took my now-partner up when she asked me on a date.

From the start, my partner treated me like a queen, and even called me her queen. After a couple of months, I was mostly confident that I was really only interested in being with the second girl. I went to see her every weekend, I texted her from work, and I basically planned my week around when I got to talk to her. (After we had both taken care of our other priorities, of course.) I very rarely saw the other girl, and after a while my attraction to her completely waned.

Even though she had been pestering me about it for a few months already, “Are you ready to be my girlfriend yet?”, and I wasn’t seeing anyone else – I wasn’t ready to put that label on what we had. It wasn’t until I realized that it wasn’t about not having anyone else to want – it was about not wanting anyone else. There’s a very subtle difference between the two. (I think you might be at this point, but your lady friend isn’t quite there yet.)

Then one day, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She waited for me, and she showed me that I was worth waiting for. Since it was “my fault” we weren’t official already, I took the initiative. I apologized for making her wait so long. Inwardly, I was so thankful that she put up with me when I was unsure of myself. Your lady won’t necessarily take this same approach, but if you are patient with her, I do believe it will work in your favor. It seems to me like she does really care about you, and she probably just isn’t ready to promise herself completely to you.

Give her time, if you can handle the wait. What’s the rush?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Do you need to sleep with a woman to be a lesbian?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m not sure where to start and you probably get letters like this all the time, but I genuinely can’t tell if I’m attracted to women or not. I suppose it’s not that important one way or the other, but it’s frustrating feeling like I don’t understand myself. I mean, there are certainly some signs I might be attracted to women.

I dated a guy for a few years in high school, but we never even came close to having sex. But I also was suffering from severe depression at the time and had zero sex drive (the idea of sex didn’t interest me until I was in my 20s and fixed my problem with depression). He was the only person I’ve ever dated, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him.

I’ve had a lot of female friends I really liked. But, how do you distinguish between enjoying someone’s company and being attracted to them in a more romantic sense? I know, it’s like I’m asking how to be human here. I just can’t say that I’ve ever had a feeling for a man that I haven’t for a woman or the other way around.

While I’d enjoy companionship, I’m nervous about starting to date anyone. I dunno if I’m attracted to anyone and I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on. Possibly I’m using this as a bit of an excuse to not put myself out there since I haven’t dated anyone in years now and basically haven’t dated anyone, but I also genuinely don’t want to mislead anyone. How many people are going to be interested in dating me though if I say, “By the way, I might be lesbian”?

Well, reader, first let me tell you you’re exactly right – it’s not really that important. At least, it shouldn’t be important to anyone but you (and whoever you are sleeping with – which, from what I can tell, is no one at the moment). That being said, it can be frustrating to not know how to label yourself, should you decide you want a label. (Some people choose to not label themselves, which is a completely appropriate option – after all, it’s really no one’s business unless you want it to be their business, anyway.)

Next, to answer your initial question: No, you don’t have to sleep with a woman to know you’re a lesbian (or to be a lesbian). Just as virgins can know they are heterosexual, they can also know that they’re homosexual or bisexual, or whatever label truly fits. Some people need to confirm it to themselves (I did) but that doesn’t mean you owe an explanation or “references” to anyone else.

Depression can drastically affect your sex drive, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t have wanted sex if you were battling some serious mental health concerns. It’s possible that you weren’t attracted to men, it’s possible you were suffering from the physical aspect of depression symptoms, and it’s also possible that the guy you were with wasn’t enough to pique your sexual interest. It’s even possible that it was a combination of all of these factors rolled into one.

Next, I would like to let you know that the spectrum of sexuality reaches much further than most people realize. Many people consider two end points (gay and straight) and sometimes bisexuals falling evenly in the middle. The truth is, it’s a lot more complicated than that. It’s not even a circle, really – it’s more of a Venn diagram. Remember those from middle school?

Here are some of the commonly used labels (with very generalized descriptions – please, if there is a reader who falls within one of these labels and would like to define it more clearly, don’t hesitate to share in the comments section!). There is an infinite number of possibilities here, really… So just because it didn’t make my list doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate label of your sexual expression.

Asexual

Refers to a complete lack of sexual attraction, to any gender. Some asexuals may perform sexual favors for their partner, but that is an individual decision – and it definitely does not apply to everyone.

Bisexual

Refers to someone who is sexually attracted to both binary genders. While it’s often assumed that these are equal, that is not always the case – many bisexuals prefer one gender over the other.

Pansexual

Often assumed to be similar to bisexuality, pansexuals feel that gender is unrelated to sexual attraction.

Heterosexual

Refers to exclusive attraction to the opposite gender as yourself.

Homosexual

Refers to exclusive attraction to the same gender as yourself.

Aromantic

Refers to someone who is not romantically attracted to anyone – regardless of gender. Sometimes, they can be sexually attracted to someone, but they do not feel “love”.

Biromantic

Refers to someone who is romantically attracted to both binary genders. Just as with bisexuality, it’s not always an even 50% for each gender.

Panromantic

Refers to someone who is romantically attracted to someone irrespective of their gender.

Heteromantic

Refers to someone who is exclusively romantically attracted to someone of the opposite gender.

Homoromantic

Refers to someone who is exclusively romantically attracted to someone of the same gender.

No Label

Refers to someone who doesn’t feel the need to define their sexuality or their emotional attractions. For all intents and purposes, it is the same as pansexual and panromantic, but without the acknowledgement of a specific label. In a perfect world, “no label” would be the default unless otherwise specified.

Questioning/Curious (which is how I would classify you right now)

Refers to those who are uncertain of their sexuality. It usually implies that you are at the point where you are exploring your options (sometimes involving sex, and other times just dating) there should never be any push from others to do something you’re not comfortable with. I’m not saying it won’t happen, but you are under no obligation to give into their “demands”!

With these different criteria for romantic and sexual attractions, a “complete” sexual label would involve taking a label from each category and combining them into your specific label. For example, someone who is exclusively sexually attracted to their gender but romantically attracted to all genders could be considered “homosexual panromantic”. The thing to remember is that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – your label is a personal decision and it is completely acceptable to refuse any label (just look at how many celebrities have “not come out” lately!).

In regards to your next question – “how do you distinguish between enjoying someone’s company and being attracted to them in a more romantic sense?” – this answer is different for everyone, too. It’s hard to tell exactly what pulls you into a person, especially since the best relationships usually start as something closer to friendship. Trust me, you’ll definitely recognize the shift in feelings if it happens, and your instincts may tell you what to do at this point. (If they don’t, feel free to come back and ask us another question!)

For your final question, I think that there are many people who don’t mind the lack of a label. As long as you’re honest with your potential partners, in most cases there won’t be much of a problem. (Although, admittedly, when I was still questioning myself, there were some guys I dated who knew that I was pretty sure I wasn’t interested in guys… They said they were OK with it, but once I was certain that I definitely was not interested in them, they were significantly less OK with it.)

If you are honest with the people you’re pursuing about where you stand, you will feel confident in your decision to not waste your time with someone who’s not OK with where you are in your self-discovery. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want you as you are?

Take care of yourself, Reader, and please don’t hesitate to write back if you need more help!

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do You Improve Your Gaydar?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, and I am wondering how to tell who is gay? This is way harder than I thought and I’m completely incompetent when it comes to walking up to and saying hello to people I’m not sure would even be interested in talking lol. cries for days

Well, reader, I think I have a somewhat unpopular opinion on this subject.

You see, I don’t think “gaydar” is a real thing.

We can make speculations about someone, and we can even hope that someone will be gay. But unless we really know them, there’s often no way to tell if they’re gay. The only ways to tell are pretty much based on stereotypes, and very few of them hold true. Unless someone tells you that they’re gay or straight or bi or asexual… You really have no idea.

I can, however, tell you a few ways that you can tell a girl isn’t gay.

• Long fingernails usually mean she’s not gay. It’s not a definite (naturally, a Pillow Princess could have long fingernails with no problems) but chances are, if her nails are long or covered in intricate nail art (the 3D kind)… They’re probably not going to be anywhere near a vagina.
• Showing affection to a guy usually means she’s not gay. Then again, it’s usually safe to assume that someone showing affection to someone else, especially in public, is probably not looking to replace that person any time soon. Showing a guy affection could mean something else entirely, too – nothing is set in stone.
• Pregnancy usually means she’s not gay. Before anyone objects to this one, there are definitely lesbians who choose to conceive children – but the general assumption is that, if she’s still pregnant, she probably has a partner – whether male or female. It’s possible to be pregnant and single, but among lesbians, most pregnancies are planned in great detail, so it’s best to assume she’s spoken for unless she approaches you.

That’s really all there is – and even those are greatly generalized. For the most part, I don’t really believe in making any assumptions about people based on their appearances, as looks can be deceiving. Aside from that, it’s a bit disrespectful to assume you know someone based on your first impression. I know, it’s in our nature to make “first impression” judgments – but I don’t think that judgment should come without a conversation. It is literally impossible to know someone you’ve never spoken to.

(I also argue with anyone who says they “met me” when I was a baby, and for the very same reason.)

I’ve never been very good with “Guess the Gay”, but I used to try a lot when I was a teenager. All I learned from guessing is that your assumptions about a person are usually based on what you want them to be. If you see someone whose style is similar to yours, you want to think they’re similar to you, because you could be friends with them. If someone’s style is drastically different, you want to think they’re nothing like you, because your brain doesn’t instantly see a connection.

While I don’t believe you can tell if someone’s gay just by looking at them, that’s actually an invitation for a deeper connection. I think you should approach someone you’re interested in (as long as you’re certain you can handle the rejection if she’s straight!) and strike up a conversation. In time, the conversation with either turn into a friendship or a relationship, or it’ll just be a conversation. But you won’t know until you say hello!

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Coming out at Christmas

Dear Kitsch Mix,

I’m planning on coming out to my family sometime over the next few weeks. I want to be prepared for the questions they may ask – are there any that threw you for a loop when you all came out? What should I expect?

Hello, reader! First of all, let me tell you: My coming out experience was pretty pain-free. Most of my family has been very supportive, and I still have some of the friends I had before I came out. (Some of them even came out around the same time I did – that was a lucky coincidence. Or maybe it was something deeper than that… Hmm.)

As easy of a time as I had coming out of the closet, I would strongly urge you to not do it around the holidays. Unless you are 100% sure that the mood will be loving and supportive, there is a potential for things to go seriously wrong. It will probably be easiest on you if you wait until you can have one-on-one time with the people you want to tell – and prioritize them based on whose opinions you feel most confident about.

In my case, I chose to come out to my closest friends first. I lost a few, but I expected I would – I was in a small Podunk town when I started coming out, and there are a lot of closed-minded rednecks in the area. As I met new friends, I came out to them, too. It became part of my discussions, and while some “more mature” lesbians may tell you that doing this makes you look bad, think about it:

By choosing how you define yourself to people, you are giving yourself power over their thoughts about you. Coming out to someone is a huge step – but coming out to them right away makes it easier.

(FYI, after I finished coming out to everyone important to me, I stopped coming out to everyone right away – it was just an exercise in self-confidence, and I advise you to do the same.)

Once I started to be more comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian, I wrote a letter to my mom. There was a bunch of stuff in the letter, not just my sexuality – but I’m better in writing, so I spilled my heart out on the paper. My mom and I have never been very emotionally close, but I know she supports me in everything I do, and I knew she wouldn’t turn me away.

I told her that I liked girls (although, at the time I wasn’t sure if I was bisexual or a lesbian – I knew that wouldn’t make a difference to her.)

I told her that I was sexually abused by someone in the family. (When I wrote the letter, the problem had already went away.)

I told her that my sexuality had nothing to do with the abuse. I didn’t go into specific details with her on either, but I told her the two were not connected.

I told her that I loved her and I respect her. I think that’s important, and part of the reason you should tell each person individually – it gives them the respect of having time to process everything. We want people to react positively, but if you put a bunch of people on the spot at the same time, they may feel forced into giving a positive reaction. (It’s the same reason I don’t see the romance in a big public proposal – sorry, but no one wants to be the asshole who says no, so you’ve got no choice but to say yes – everyone’s watching!)

Lastly, I told her where I would be. In my situation, I stuck the note on top of her purse and went to a friend’s house. I didn’t want to intrude on her time to think, but I didn’t want her to worry, either. Running away isn’t always necessary, nor is it always advised – but if you are scared of the response, you have every right to put some padding there until they have processed.

Coming out to my mom was the most detailed of any of my coming out stories, but since I knew she would be supportive, it was easiest to start with her. It was like practice – my “first draft” coming out story. Sure, I’d come out to the people I hooked up with, the people I dated, and the friends that came and went – but my mom was the first important one.

Every time you come out to a person, you feel more confident with your ability to come out – which allows you to save the “hardest” one for when you’re your most confident. In my case, my grandmother was the most difficult for me – ever since I came out to my dad, he put it in my head that my grandmother would disown me if she knew I was a lesbian. She was homophobic, he told me, and she wouldn’t accept me.

I think the worst part about that is that I waited so long to finally come out to her (in a letter, just like I did with my mom) that I feel I missed out on so much… Because when I did finally come out to her, she just laughed.

“Your father’s a pisser,” she replied when I finally did tell her. “He must be forgetting that I had gay friends when he was growing up. And I sort of had a feeling about you.”

I had missed out on almost five years. I avoided my grandmother’s questions (“Do you have a boyfriend yet?”) and avoided telling her about my life (“So when am I going to have great-grandchildren?”) because I believed an assumption. Sometimes, when we think someone’s going to react a certain way, they completely surprise us.

This is why I can’t really tell you any questions to prepare for – it takes a long time to come up with every answer people can bring up when you come out. I’m still discovering new questions all the time, ones that I don’t quite have an answer prepared for yet. (I’ve been out for about ten years, for a time reference.)

I hope that your coming out experience is wonderful and supportive, and that your family welcomes you with open arms long after you identify yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us, as well, and if anyone else has anything to add to this discussion – please leave it in the comments!

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Butch Lesbian in Need of Some Dating Advice?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m butch in appearance, and identify as gay, but I’ve never had a girlfriend or been intimate with a woman. Now I’ve met someone that I really like, but she is VERY experienced. She is also really hot, and I just don’t know how to approach her. I can tell she’s attracted to me. I’m her type. But my shyness and inexperience is letting me down. I get so nervous around her, and now I’m scared I’ll miss my opportunity – I’m not the only person interested in her. Help, I come across as confident stud, but deep down I’m not.

Well, reader, let me tell you first – it doesn’t matter how many people are interested in her. That’s just a figment of your imagination, your fear manifesting itself as competition. You shouldn’t care how many people want her – she wants you, right? That’s infinitely more important than her perceived “demand”. If she wants to be with you, she doesn’t care how many other people want her. And if she’s going to move onto the next person just because you’re not 100% sure of things, then pursuing her would be a waste of time anyway.

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s continue to the actual advice here.

First and foremost, I urge you to be honest with her about your experience level. There’s never a good reason to lie about it, but for some reason people are tempted to do just this. Don’t! It’s not going to help anything and the first time you get her into bed she’ll know the difference and probably be hurt if you lied.

I’m not trying to assume that you have been dishonest – but your confident mask might not be the best approach here. There’s an important distinction between “confidence” and “experience”. Usually the two go hand-in-hand, but I am super experienced and not very confident – just like there are many who are super confident and not very experienced.

It’s almost amusing, actually.

Here’s the thing, though. I’m super shy too. Like sit at the back of the bar and blush when someone cute makes eye contact kind of shy. You know what that’s taught me? Some girls like shy girls.

Think about it this way. Someone has this tough wall, and they present themselves as being this badass (which I totally try to do, not that it works). They become attracted to someone, but they can’t communicate their feelings, no matter how hard they try. (You definitely do have to try, though.) The crush of this person sees that they make them flustered, which is a huge ego boost for someone who isn’t normally the pursuer. If the attraction is mutual, they feel more at ease because they have the confidence that this person isn’t just trying to play games with them. If she is actually as confident as you appear, and she sees that she gives you butterflies and all that nonsense – she might pursue you.

You see what I’m saying?

Of course, it’s not a perfect science, and like I said, you’ll still have to try to get her attention. In my experience, writing a note can be an easy way to do this. You’ve got unlimited time to get the words out “just right” (even though you’ll probably change them twenty times), you don’t have to trip over your tongue when you’re trying to get your point across, and she gets to see you blush when she reads it (if you’re a blusher – I am totally a blusher, and apparently it’s part of my charm).

There’s just something undeniably adorable about seeing someone blush when they tell you their feelings. I think it’s just because you can’t fake it – it’s a facial expression that you literally can’t control. Other non-verbal communication can be faked and that makes them lose some of their meaning.

But not blushing.

You blush when you’re shy, or when you’re embarrassed, or sometimes even when you’re aroused. For the most part, all three of these things are tell-tale signs that you’re into someone.

But I hate being a blusher, so I completely understand if you don’t want to put yourself in a position to blush in front of this girl. That’s going to make the pursuit a little more difficult, but as long as you’re honest and what you say comes from the heart – it shouldn’t stand in your way.

If you’re not a blusher, it actually makes it easier on you, in a way. Sure, you won’t have the rosy-cheeked charm, but you can keep your cool, confident mask on and just pretend you’ve got it under control. You can force yourself to take that step anyway, having the “safety net” of knowing that she won’t know your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty. You never know – it could work out wonderfully!

Thank you for writing in, and I look forward to hearing how it goes!

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Should I Tell Her I’m Gay and That I Like Her?

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve had a crush on this girl in one of my classes all semester. We’ve been paired up in our class a few times so we’ve talked a bit, and even exchanged numbers for studying purposes. Since the first time we were paired up I feel like she’s been either flirting with me or being very friendly. l really like this girl. She is very pretty and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. The thing is I don’t know if she still has a boyfriend and/or if she is straight. Someone advised me to text her and be very straightforward with her. Should I text her? If I do, what should I say that isn’t awkward, or make me come across as creep?

Honestly, reader, if you want to know, the easiest way to know is to ask.

But I’m like you – I’m super conscious of everything I do that could come across as awkward or make me sound like a creep. It’s tough to find the right balance.

In this day and age, most people aren’t offended by a show of interest, even if it’s not reciprocated. Of course, there’s still a risk, but especially among females, it’s usually considered more flattering than creepy. Especially if you’re polite and considerate about how you present your feelings.

Maybe you’re looking for a more “sly” way to do it though, which is something I understand. You could consider texting her about “the girl you like” – without making a big deal about you being gay – and see where that goes. I’m really keen on “dropping hints” and letting them get picked up as they will. But I’m pretty shy, and I don’t really like to draw a huge amount of attention to my sexuality most of the time. (There are definitely some exceptions.)

As shy as I am, though, I do understand that there will always be a “what if” for anything you want that you don’t pursue – and this girl is no different. If you don’t tell her how you feel, you’ll never know if she feels the same way unless she happens to be much more daring than you. I don’t like to wait around on other people, so if I was in your shoes I’d probably just bite the bullet, so to speak.

It’s not easy to open up to someone, especially in a situation where you work and/or attend classes together. There’s this scary though that, if she rejects you, you’ll still have to see her every day – which can definitely be super awkward.

I wish I had some super magical tip for you here, but there isn’t one. If you want to know if she’s into you or just being nice, you’ve got to face your fears and say something – or else you could be waiting around for her to say something (which may never happen).

I wish you the best of luck, and please don’t hesitate to write back to let us know how things turned out – I’m rooting for you!

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Should I Shave Down There?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m a newbie lesbian who’s just entered into my first real relationship with another woman. I generally stay pretty hairy. I don’t shave my legs or armpits and usually just give my bush a trim every once in a while. I’m never hairless because I find it less comfortable, but I’m now considering shaving because I am super femme and have a femme girlfriend (who I’m not sexual with yet). What’s the norm and does having hair down there make sex difficult?

Well, reader, let me address your letter in a few separate parts. There are a few distinct answers in regards to what I have to tell you.

First: The idea that hairiness is not feminine is purely cultural. Society tells us to equate smooth, hairless skin with femininity – but that’s not a universal thing. I strongly feel that society should not dictate what you do with your own body, and yes, this includes your body hair.

Second: Your body hair actually serves a purpose, believe it or not, and this is especially true for pubic hair. There are pros and cons to shaving, as well as not shaving. I feel that I should address these things separately, so that you can make your own decision.

Third: There is no “normal”. There is only “common” – and what is common will depend on a huge variety of factors. Your culture, your age, and your relationship status will each play a small part in it, but you shouldn’t lean so heavily on what works for everyone else – focus on you.

Fourth: Pubic hair doesn’t make sex “difficult”, but it is a different experience. My current partner’s body hair situation is pretty similar to yours, although she does not identify as femme. But, like I said in my first point, the idea that body hair is inherently masculine is not really based in any facts. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been with who doesn’t shave anything, and while it took a little while for me to get used to, it’s one of my longest (and most sexual) romantic relationships.

Now, onto the specifics of whether you should shave or not. I would like to reiterate that it is a personal decision whether you shave or not, and anyone who is genuinely interested in you won’t really care one way or the other. I had an ex who used to get embarrassed when I said “I’ll take it however I can get it” when the subject of shaving came up. Truthfully, though, there’s still a vagina under there either way – and every vagina is already different by design, whether you choose to shave or not.

The Advantages of Shaving:

1. You can put designs in it. Some “adult stores” even sell little stencils you can use to shave a heart, a star, or a “racing stripe” as one of my exes so affectionately referred to hers. It doesn’t make much of a difference in the sexual experience whether you choose a design or you just shave it all off.
2. It’s sensitive down there after you shave. Like, really This can be a good thing, especially if your girlfriend is skilled at teasing. (Trust me on this one.)
3. Pubic hair can hold onto odors – and a shaved vagina may smell better than an unshaved one. You can get around this by paying close attention to your washing habits and using a pH balanced soap that is intended specifically for “intimate” areas. Generally speaking, if you’re washing properly (and eating a fair amount of fruits), your vagina is going to smell fine.
4. If your girlfriend has a tongue ring, hair from an unshaved vagina will get wrapped around it during oral sex. Apparently, most of the time this doesn’t hurt, but there is a chance that the stuck hair will get yanked out by the jewelry. If you shave, there’s no hair to get stuck.
5. Choking on a pubic hair isn’t fun. During oral sex with an unshaved partner, the hair can stick to the back of your throat if you get a little too “enthusiastic”, and you’ll feel like you have to cough up a hair ball. Because you do. (You get used to it, though, and after a while it’s actually something you can crack jokes about.)
6. Some women are incredibly aroused by the sight (and feel) of a shaved vagina. Your girlfriend might be one of them. But of course, this shouldn’t be the primary reason you decide to shave – although it can be used as a tie breaker.

The Advantages of Not Shaving:

1. If you shave it, you’re going to have to keep shaving it, or it will be uncomfortable. This is true for pretty much any part of your body. (Although, unlike the myth, the hair will not grow back thicker and darker. It only seems thicker because the end of the hair is flat, rather than tapered like “virgin” hairs.)
2. While it’s really smooth and sensitive for probably the first day after you shave, for the next two to three days after that first day, it’s going to be really itchy, and you might be tempted to scratch until you bleed. (From personal experience, don’t do this – it’s a pain like none other. That skin is really sensitive, after all.)
3. Your pubic hair is there to keep your vagina “clean”. It helps to prevent some infections, and it can keep it relatively warm. When you shave it, you not only remove the “cushion” between your clothing and your vagina (hint: tight underwear can cause yeast infections), but you also run the risk of ingrown hairs – which, for some people, can lead to painful cysts (caused by a staphylococcus infection). If you happen to get these cysts, they can get to the point you’ll need to go to the emergency room to have them cut open and drained – which is not fun. (I’ve got a two-inch scar on my inner thigh from one such cyst.)
4. Shaving takes time, and is a learning process. My girlfriend has told me that she doesn’t shave because she can’t be bothered. Honestly, as long as you’re washing and trimming, it doesn’t make a difference with the sexual experience. Shaving your pubic hair will add an estimated 5-10 minutes to your shower time, every time you decide to shave.
5. When you shave, you are likely to miss spots. If you don’t shave, this won’t be a problem.
6. Some women associate a hairless vagina with pedophilia. You could get around this by leaving a patch. Or, you can just decide that you don’t care if it looks like a child’s pubic area – your partner knows you’re not a child, after all.

As you can see, there are a multitude of reasons why you should or shouldn’t – so it all comes down to your personal preferences. There’s not really anything set in stone, whatever you decide, so you’re always free to change your mind and give the other option a shot. Just keep in mind the pros and cons, and make your choice based on what’s comfortable for you. More important than how other people feel about it is your own “bush confidence”. You’re the only one who actually has to be happy with your decision.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Long Should I Wait?

Hi KitschMix,

I met a woman a few months ago and we got along really well. We got chatty on social media and stayed in touch throughout the year. I reached out to her a few weeks ago and we had a really long talk. We spoke about marriage, kids, and our future plans. She also asked me out on a date. I said yes but we hadn’t agreed on a day/time. That same night, though, we went out and things got pretty intense. It was obvious that there was plenty of intellectual and sexual chemistry. We had a really great night and we agreed to see each other during the week.

However, none of that came to fruition. She said she planned our date for the weekend, but on Saturday she didn’t message me at all. I got annoyed and called her twice, and she just told me she was out with her friends. She didn’t contact me the following day either. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Is it even worth pursuing anymore? Is she even interested if she cancels on me twice with no apologies and doesn’t even bother to get in touch afterward? I don’t date often and have no idea how this works, so can you please clarify this for me? I thought I’d give it another week to see if she’d say anything. How long should you give someone to plan your first date? Because I waited 11 days, which seems fairly long to me.

Let me start my advice with a little story. This is one of the possibilities I see in your situation, but definitely not the only one.

Shortly before I met my current girlfriend, I was introduced to someone else, through mutual friends. We hit it off instantly – she challenged me intellectually, which is something that I don’t often find in others. (Maybe I’m just a bit pretentious, but I don’t consider the lack of an intellectual challenge to be a deal breaker; just that the challenge is a nice bonus.)

The first day we hung out together – at a party, hosted by yet another mutual friend, it was almost magical. I usually have a “no sex on the first date rule”, but I almost broke it. Yeah, it was that intense. We kept talking, but I was working two jobs at the time, and she was working full-time and taking care of her nephew. It was hard to match our schedules up, so we didn’t really hang out much – but we often stayed up all night texting and flirting.

As she lived with her mother and her nephew, I couldn’t go to her place; I had to wait for her to come to me (as I just lived with roommates at the time). It was tough to find time when we were both available – in the six months we were “talking”, I think we actually saw each other 6 times. (11 days does seem like a long time – but sometimes you have to be patient. In the grand scheme of things, 11 days is really not that long, after all.)

Well, in time, I learned that, not only did she have work and family life for me to compete with, but she was also seeing one of her coworkers. We had never discussed exclusivity, and we only discussed the possibility of a “future relationship” – never actually putting one in place. Here’s where my story takes a turn for the slightly immature: Once I realized she was seeing someone else, I decided to “retaliate” and also see someone else. I was hoping to make her jealous, and it actually worked – I saw her more frequently once she knew she had to “share” my attention. I’m not really proud of it, but it helped me to feel better at the time.

Looking back now, I can see that she wasn’t so much interested in having me to herself as she was interested in “winning” – which is possibly also why she offered such an intellectual challenge to me. As a romantic, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that not everyone is interested in the relationship. Some women are more interested in the chase. They want to know they can have you, but they don’t necessarily want you.

It’s possible that this girl you’re pursuing falls under this category: She wants the chase, she wants to know she can keep your attention, but she doesn’t necessarily want to give you hers. It’s important that you consider this as a possibility in your situation.

Another possibility is that she’s busy. After all, it hasn’t even been a month yet, and it is important to spend time with your friends even if you are romantically interested in someone. Many lesbians have the tendency to put their friendships on the back burner when they’re seeing someone, so she may be forcing herself not to do this as she prepares for you to be a part of her life.

If you are seriously interested in dating her, I advise you to have patience. In time, the situation will become more apparent. If she continues making excuses and refusing to value your time, pursue someone else – but not for the same reason I did. Rather than trying to make her jealous, which might work, focus instead on doing your own thing – which will definitely work.

(By the way, if you were curious, the “other woman” I started dating happened to turn into a long-term partner. Christmas Eve will mark two years that we’ve been together, and I couldn’t be happier.)

Instead of trying to put a time limit on this, you should focus on doing your own thing. Relationships rarely work out if they’re the primary goal, and if you put too much emphasis on it, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, and possibly for her to take advantage of you. Enjoy your life and don’t worry about anyone who doesn’t worry about you.

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Q: How Do I Mingle At A Lesbian Bar?

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve been out for 2 years now and I thought I was fine with waiting until I moved to a bigger city to actually start dating or hooking up with someone. Apparently not it seems.

This spring I’ll be visiting a couple of friends who live in a very gay-friendly city and I figured I could check out a few gay bars/clubs while I’m there.

The problem is I have no idea what I would do there. Do lesbians even do hook-ups? And how would I make my intentions clear? What do you wear? Are there any codes?

My friends have told me I should be fine there because of my accent (since I’m not a native English-speaker) but I doubt that’s gonna help as much as they might think.

I haven’t dated since I was 14 and all the people I know are straight so I’m pretty much clueless.

Lesbian bars and clubs are great for meeting people, but in my experience they’re a better venue for making friends than for finding a girlfriend. Your experience may vary, but most gay bars cater more towards gay men (at least, all the ones I’ve ever been to have – and I’ve been to probably a dozen different clubs). That’s not to say you can’t meet a girl there, especially if you only intend to hook up.

Personally, I wouldn’t try it, though. There are easier ways to meet someone, that don’t involve alcohol and barely being able to hear each other – this is the age of technology, after all, and there are dating apps for those looking to get married as well as those looking for a one-night-stand. Yes, even for lesbians! The best part about this is you don’t even have to wait for Spring – you can start right now. If you drive, you can do some short travelling to get to a girl that piques your interest. But even if you don’t (I don’t) you can always find a girl willing to travel to you. Don’t underestimate the power of love – sometimes, long distance relationships can be the best!

Some lesbians definitely do hookups. Not all, of course, and there’s no way to tell just by looking at them. This is another reason dating apps are great – you can usually see, before you even begin talking to someone, what their intentions are. Most sites that are actually meant for dating will let you choose what you’re looking for from a list.

The easiest way to make your intentions clear is to just come straight out and say it. It seems over-simplified, but it’s the truth. I am a strong advocate for open, honest communication. If you’re looking for sex – say so! It’s not fair to lead someone on, and it’s no fun being led on, so by having that conversation as soon as you decide you’re interested in the person, you can save yourself (and the other person) from a world of hurt.

As far as what you wear: Some people will tell you to “dress in order to attract the girl you want to date”. My mom told me this one time when I went to a gay bar with her. (She’s not gay, but she’s always been pretty supportive… And, well, I had recently dumped a girlfriend she hated, so there’s that, too.) Now, ordinarily, I think my mom’s advice is pretty spot-on, but in this particular case, do not do that. You should dress a way that makes you comfortable. This doesn’t necessarily mean sweat pants and a tank top, but you shouldn’t go against your usual style. If you do end up finding a relationship based off of how you dress, do you want your “second date” to involve explaining why you were dressed so differently the day you met – or be uncomfortable all over again? I wouldn’t.

There aren’t really any “codes”, except to be honest, and don’t be a creep. This seems pretty simple, but what I mean here is if a girl tells you she’s not interested, she’s not interested. She’s most likely not playing hard to get. Thank her for her time, and move on – you can’t really help who you’re attracted to, and if you push the issue she’s probably going to be even more turned off.

Honesty is also pretty important, and a lot of people take that for granted. We like to create this idea of who we are, even if it’s total b.s., and that’s really not fair to the other person (or ourselves). Be yourself, and be the best “you” that you can be. Don’t try to be anyone you’re not, and don’t pretend you’re rich if you really have $3. (Although I totally support the idea of pretending to be poor if you’re actually rich – it helps keep away the people who would only be interested in you for your money… But I digress.)

I think you’re right about the accent, though. I don’t think it’s necessarily going to help, but it probably won’t hurt, either. There are a lot of girls who just swoon at the sound of an accent – sometimes it doesn’t even matter what accent. There’s something about someone who talks different that is exotic. But I don’t know of anyone who dislikes anyone because of their accent. Either it’s a turn-on, or it’s not even a consideration.

Specifically in regards to “mingling”, the best way to approach a girl is to actually approach her. Walk up, introduce yourself, offer to buy her a drink if you want – just don’t get her wasted if you have hopes of hooking up, because that’s pretty much not a good thing. Keep it classy, and have fun.

Just be you, and be confident with yourself. Don’t worry about hooking up your first time out. Just focus on having a good time, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If it doesn’t happen, set up an online dating profile – but don’t let it be the only thing you do. Love finds us exactly when it’s meant to.

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Q: How Do Clarify My Sexuality?

Dear KitschMix,

I am a 20-something female who has recently been strongly questioning my sexuality. I have never really had a boyfriend, and have had somewhat on-and-off feelings towards girls for a while. I decided to really explore my bi-side because lately I’ve noticed that when a guy does show interest in me, I get turned off and shut things down.

Here is my issue: I have started talking to this girl and she is AWESOME. The coolest person I have ever met! But now I’m worried that I have her in a friend-frame of mind; like I want to be her, not with her. I also find myself starting to do the distancing thing I do with guys.

What’s wrong with me?? Am I not actually bi? I’m just feeling very confused over my sexuality. I’m just feeling very overwhelmed.

Well, reader, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality. I think it’s actually healthy to question – not only this, but literally every aspect of your life. It helps you to define what part of you is really you, and what parts are just what you think you should be.

That being said, there is actually a completely different possibility for your sexuality, that you might want to consider: You could be ace.

Now, as much as we talk about femme invisibility, bisexual invisibility, and all that stuff… Asexual invisibility might just be the most severe. There’s this misconception that says that asexual individuals have something wrong with them, or that they’re just not looking into the right people. That is a possibility, of course, but it’s simply not true – asexuality is a real thing, and if you’re not sure why you’re shutting down with her (and guys as well), it’s possible that you could be a biromantic asexual. Of course, labels are just labels, so you’ll have to do some soul-searching to decide if that’s really what applies to you.

I don’t want to say that’s definitely your situation, though. There’s this thing I saw somewhere (I want to say Tumblr?) that says “Life goals or wife goals?” It’s sort of a joke, but it’s also sorta not. It can be really tricky, because sometimes it’s hard for us to understand what it is we want from someone. I know I’ve dated some of the “wrong girls” because of stuff like this, and it can be pretty frustrating afterwards. (This is especially true if you start feeling like you’re not “good enough” for them, so let me tell you right now: There’s no such thing as “good enough” or not. Be you, and everything else will fall into place eventually.)

My next point is that, just because you might not be attracted to this one girl, or some guys, doesn’t automatically mean you’re not attracted to any. It seems cliché, but sometimes when we’re desperate for love and/or affection, we strive for someone we’re not actually into all that much – and then we get frustrated if it doesn’t work out like we think it should. It’s possible that your subconscious is picking up on clues that your conscious mind isn’t, and it’s “shutting you down” so you don’t make a mistake. I think there are some people who call this being “demisexual” – which falls close to asexuality, but not quite.

It’s also definitely possible that you aren’t actually bisexual, or that you aren’t bisexual anymore. Most people agree that sexuality is pretty fluid, and there’s actually a lot of people who have had their sexuality fluctuate throughout their life. There’s nothing wrong with this and anyone who tells you otherwise is most likely not confident enough with their own sexuality. (A generalization, of course, but seriously – you can’t help who you are or are not attracted to.)

The biggest thing here is that no one else can really define your feelings for you – I’m sorry to say, but it’s something you will have to figure out on your own. I can give you a few options that I think might apply, but it’s up to you to determine the bits and pieces that make sense to you.

The good news is that you now have a few phrases you can look into a little more deeply, and see which applies best to you. Sexuality is a really huge spectrum. Many people think of it as a line ranging from gay to bi to straight, but it’s actually a lot more complex than that.

I personally feel that there is no real reason why you should have to define yourself. These different labels really don’t serve a purpose for you; they just make you easier to categorize. And guess what? These categorizations hold a ton of stereotypes, connotations, and meanings that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you. If it helps you to think in terms of a label, then by all means, look to find one – but don’t let anyone else pressure you into “picking”.

Take care, and I wish you all the best!

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Q: First time with a girl, any advice?

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend and I have been fooling around for a while. And she is really excited about us and the fact that we are going have sex together.

Honestly, I‘m pretty damn nervous. I’m confident about my body but not my performance, as my experience is zero. Aside from that, I’ve only been with a man.

What should I do? Even though I’m by far the passive one, I want her to have a good time too. Any advice for?

Well, this is probably going to come across a little cocky, but… I actually wrote the book on first-time lesbian sex. OK, maybe not the book, but a book all the same. Just in case you don’t want to buy it on Amazon, I’ll sum up the basics for you.

First of all, let me tell you that safer sex is very important – even for lesbians. There’s this myth that lesbians can’t get STDs, but it’s exactly that – a myth. Safer sex for lesbians is a little different than safer sex in a heterosexual relationship, but some of the same general practices apply.

• Keep everything clean – you can get a yeast infection or a UTI if you don’t. This applies to your hands as well as your vagina!
• If you’re going to be participating in oral sex, you should be using a dental dam. Even if you are 100% sure that neither you or your partner has an STD, new research shows that oral sex can cause mouth cancer – yikes!
• You can use condoms with your sex toys – just make sure you change condoms when you switch roles (if you’re using the same toy), and if you go from the anus to the vagina – no exceptions!
• It’s also a good idea to get tested regularly, just to make sure there’s nothing going on. There are clinics that will provide testing services for cheap or even free, if you qualify. These clinics should not discriminate based on your sexuality.

Next, I’d like to present to you a selection from the “what to expect” portion of my e-book, as I think it’s pretty much the most important thing when having any new sexual experience. A lack of confidence can often be cleared up by simply having an understanding of what it is that you’re going to do:

Think of the things that turn you on. If you have experience with men, you can translate this to women, within some reason. Kiss your partner deeply and touch her body. Don’t try to rush things along too fast; it’s important to make sure you both are deeply aroused before you can progress to other activities.

Once you are both sufficiently aroused, it’s time to start undressing. While your nervousness (and possibly your experience with men) may lead you to believe you should undress yourself, this isn’t necessarily the case – part of the fun in any sexual encounter is the ability to “unwrap” your partner. Give yourself sufficient time to take in the sights. You might even decide that you aren’t attracted to women at this point – that happens sometimes. It’s best not to push it if there’s no attraction whatsoever, even if it means that you two will end up “finishing the job” yourselves.

You may find it helpful to seek out specific articles regarding lesbian sex – although ideally, you will have at least a basic understanding of the mechanics before you pursue those outlets. Your first time shouldn’t be anything spectacular. In fact, it’s likely that you won’t even climax your first time. Believe it or not, this is perfectly fine, as it has opened you up for the possibility of what can happen in the future. No one is an expert right away, and you shouldn’t expect to be.

Of course, I’ve skipped over a lot here – but basically, the best thing to do is experiment. Think of the things you like, and try those. They won’t necessarily work for her, too, but you should be able to tell whether they’re working or not – as a woman, you’re probably more likely to recognize a faked orgasm than a man is. If it looks like the sort of orgasm you see in a porn film, it’s probably fake. (Sorry, not sorry.)

The best thing about all of this is that it’s only going to get better after your first time. The fact that you want to learn already puts you at an advantage over those who think they know it all. The myth that “women automatically know what women want” is a total crap line that’s basically used to try and tempt the bi-curious into taking the plunge. You have to explore your partner’s body in order to figure out what she likes, and it doesn’t always come naturally to everyone. That’s okay. She’ll let you know what she likes.

If you want some specific pointers, I’ve got a collection of sex position articles for you to browse, too. There are quite a few, but here are the ones I think would be best for your limited experience:

• Lazy Days: 3 Super Simple Positions To Try With Your Girlfriend Before Breakfast
• Ten Tantalising Sex Positions You And Your Girlfriend Need To Try
• Foreplay First Please: 7 Moves You Need To Try With Your Girlfriend (Like ASAP)

These are all pretty easy, even for beginners, and most women will love them. Let her guide you, too – it’s more about what she likes than what someone completely out of the picture says. Sex is a deeply personal thing, after all, and no two women are exactly alike.

Feel free to mix it up, too! Don’t be intimidated by focusing on whether it’s a “real” sex position or not. The truth is, if it turns you on, it’s sex (or at a minimum, it’s foreplay). Don’t worry about getting it right away – it takes some time to get your technique down. Just have fun, be honest, and communicate your desires. Feel free to let us know how it went!

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Q: Am I setting myself up for an emotional disaster?

Dear KitschMix,

After years of strictly monogamous relationship, my partner passed away. Our relationship had many ups and downs, but we were always in love. After getting tired of being alone, I decided to get back into the dating scene, though not really knowing what I wanted. I’m past the “making a family” stage, so I was torn between just wanting a girlfriend(s) and wanting, once again, that feeling of having a close relationship with one woman.

Eventually, I met a wonderful, free-spirited woman. But her past lifestyle experience is vastly different from mine. She left an abusive husband five years ago and began a polyamorous lifestyle with “friends.” We’ve dated steadily since our first meeting three months ago. In that time, we’ve fallen in love.

I am not judgmental in any way, nor am I ever jealous. At the same time, in a love affair, I do not share my intimacy, so her lifestyle is in contrast to mine. Simply, if she wishes other people to be intimate with her, I cannot be involved with her. I made my feelings clear, and after a few days she committed herself to our monogamous relationship. Since then, the relationship has intensified wonderfully.

She still remains in contact with some of her “friends,” and occasionally goes to lunch or dinner with them – but only as a friend and not a lover (as far as I know). She has not lied to me (as far as I know) and has always been forthright and upfront in advance about her meet-ups (as far as I know). She has done nothing (as far as I know) to cause me to feel doubt about her actions. In the back of my mind, however, I have not been able to relieve my concern about the situation. I have not had to change my lifestyle for this relationship, whereas she has. And in conversation about this, she freely admits that this is a vast change for her.

I do not want to be controlling or overbearing and demand. I have no doubts about her feelings about me. I am about to bring her deeper into my life (financially and emotionally) but I could not stand for her to fall back into her past lifestyle, even briefly, as I would end the relationship over it. Am I setting myself up for an emotional disaster? Is there some way I can assure myself about our relationship?

I have a few words for you that will most likely not be easy to swallow:

Those who identify as strictly monogamous are often unable to be involved with someone who identifies as polyamorous. Likewise, those who are polyamorous are often unable to make the transition to monogamy without at least an occasional “slip-up”.

I don’t want to tell you that she’s definitely sleeping with her friends, because that’s not necessarily the case. As she has been monogamous in the past, she can make the change, but it will be hard, and I would recommend that you do anticipate a slip-up. Of course, I hope it never happens – but you will need to know that the temptation may be there.

I have been involved in open relationships before, and they weren’t really my thing. Personally, I could never be romantically involved with someone in a non-exclusive relationship, but I have “shared” before – just making sure to keep my emotions in check. You can feel for someone without allowing yourself to get attached, but it’s definitely a learning process and it won’t come easy.

For your particular situation, the fact that she tells you things ahead of time is reassuring. Inwardly, she is acknowledging that it is a point of temptation for her, and she is also acknowledging that your opinion matters to her. From your description, I would say she is giving this current relationship her full effort.

My advice to you is that you do not move forward with the relationship until you are absolutely confident that she will not regress to her “old ways”. Of course, there’s not really such thing as certainty, especially as it pertains to other people. But if there’s a question in your mind, you’re not ready to take that step yet – and I would venture that she might not be, either.

Sadly, there’s not really any set-in-stone way to be sure. It’s always going to be a risk, on both ends – but the fact that she tells you ahead of time tells me that she wants to know that you’re ok with it. I hope that she is being completely honest with you. If I had to guess based on this limited information, I’d guess that she is.

I completely understand why you are hesitant to discuss this with her, but for the sake of your sanity as well as your relationship, you must. It’s going to be awkward, and it might even be painful. But it’s necessary, especially if you are considering a deeper commitment. If you’re hinting at the type of commitment it sounds like, there’s no reason to ruin the surprise – but you can discuss your feelings and your fears without coming across as controlling.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when you discuss this with her:

• Let her know that you appreciate her monogamy and honesty.
• Tell her you understand how big of a change it is for her.
• Thank her for keeping you informed on the situation with her “friends”.
• Ask her (politely) if she feels tempted to return to her old lifestyle – and if she is, you should tell her that it’s not something wrong with her, but rather an incompatibility between the two of you.
• If the two of you determine that the temptation is too high to promise anything, you may choose to extend a one-time “hall pass”. This is where you basically give her permission for a last “hurrah”. I know you said that you would end the relationship if it came to that, but if it turns out that it’s just something she needs to get out of her system, it can help to have a predetermined period of time where it wouldn’t count as cheating. This is not like forcing you into an open relationship; think of it as “a break” instead. It can be painful – make no mistake – but it will give her time to decide if her relationship with you is worth giving up the lifestyle she knows.
• If the thought of a “hall pass” is too much for you to handle, but she is incredibly tempted, you might be best to let each other go. At their essence, polyamory and monogamy are not compatible, and both are lifestyle choices. Since it is a choice, it can be changed – but only with dedication. If she thinks that the draw is too strong, she won’t be able to resist the temptation, and it would be best to say goodbye before you get more attached.

The unfortunate downside of this hypothetical conversation is that it’s nearly impossible to tell if she’s being honest through it – the only thing you can guarantee is that you speak honestly. Pay attention to her body language. You said she has given you no reason to doubt her, so keep that in mind. Your intuition may be your best friend or your worst enemy here.

From my outside perspective, I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but I know it can be hard to decipher these things without knowing for sure. She seems like she is doing her best to be honest and upfront with you, and I think that if she were trying to hide something from you, she wouldn’t give you the little details to work around; she’d be making things up completely. Since she tells you when she is with them and usually before it happens, she is laying herself in the open to you. She is trying – just try to be understanding if she’s not perfect at it.

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Q: When Will I Find the Time For Love?

Dear KitschMix,

This has been my first few months living away from my parents, and they really haven’t turned out like I hoped they would.

When I lived at home, I had to hide my sexuality, so much so that I missed out on love and dating. If my father found out I was gay, god knows what would have happened. I couldn’t risk it, as much as it killed me. I still feel like I missed out on important experiences because of that.

I’ve now moved away from home, have some freedom. Unfortunately, this is not happening. It my first year of college, and I have a ridiculous workload. No exaggeration, almost every day get up at eight, start working on school work/going to class by nine, keep working to 12-12:30 am, eat supper at one, do chores till three or four in the morning, get to sleep and get up the next morning to do it all over again.

It was crazy. I had to make every personal sacrifice – my social life, my health (I couldn’t go to the gym and I’ve been eating only take-out for two months now), and my free time.

I feel horrible for complaining, I know people go through these sorts of ordeals all the time, and it last long, but I’m not a strong person.

I feel emotionally drained. I bust into tears every day. I feel so alone. I get my work in and get good grades, but other then that I’m falling apart.

The thing that’s upset me the most, is having to yet again throw my romantic pursuits in the trash again. I’m really embarrassed that, out of everything, this is what’s upsetting me the most about my situation.

It seems stupid, but I am just so lonely. I’m so sexually and romantically frustrated at this point, I’m going to explode.

I feel isolated, and have no one to turn to.  On the surface everyone thinks I’m doing so well, but deep down I’m not.

Reader, I’m going to reiterate a point that I’m sure you’ve already figured out on your own: You have to make time for your personal and social life. This can understandably be difficult with your work load (I’m a workaholic who works from home – trust me, I know!) but it’s important that you take time for yourself, in whatever way you can fit it in. Otherwise, the cycle of frustration and drain will only worsen.

One way you might be able to fit in time, without sacrificing your school work, would be to find a way to combine your health and social lives into one. For example, join a gym or a team. It might be a stereotype, but joining a sports team (softball, tennis – you know, “lesbian sports”) could help you find someone, at least as a friend. I know that’s not your big concern right now, but I feel that it’s best that you start a relationship as friends and let it develop naturally from there.

Does your campus have some type of queer group? This is also a good place to meet friends and romantic partners. While I was in college, I was involved with my school’s “Pride Club”, and I met a few great people, many of which I’m still friends with even though I have moved away from that city. Typically, clubs like this will meet infrequently, and you are under no obligation to attend these meetings, so you can schedule them in when you have the time and just skip it when you don’t.

Online dating could be an option for you as well. Not only are we more comfortable being honest when “hidden” behind a screen, but it also makes it easier to interact on our own time. Many dating sites will let you cater your search preferences to things that matter to you, and we even have a list of online dating resources that are great for the lesbian community (see here). While online dating should not replace all social interaction, it can be a convenient and relatively safe way to meet new people. (Please also see our Easy Online Lesbian Dating Guide.)

Now for an unpopular opinion: If you need to take the occasional “mental health day” (a day off from school or work, that is not officially approved by your school’s administration or your employer), take one! You mentioned that you have good grades, so an occasional day off is not likely to break your academic record.

The school system is not inherently set up to encourage good mental health, and in many cases it can be the cause of mental health crises. Please, reader, don’t let this happen to you. I don’t encourage taking a day off every week, or anything like that, but if you’re feeling too burned out, you’re less effective in the classroom anyway, so giving yourself a break every now and then can actually improve your grades, as long as you’re not missing anything important.

Many professors implement a policy where late work is given a lower grade automatically – I know one of my old professors assigned a 10% penalty for each class date that an assignment was late. In this case, taking an extra day to clear your mind may allow you to earn a 100% – which, with the penalty, would come up to 90% – still an A. On the other hand, if you force yourself through it and do work that is not your best, you may be getting lower than a 90% anyway. Your exact results will vary depending on your teachers’ policies, but if you are otherwise doing well in your classes, and you take care to not miss any important tests or deadlines, a little break won’t be the end of the world.

You must think of your health, because chances are no one else is going to value it for you. You must be your own advocate here. You’d take a day off for your physical health, right? Your mental health should be no different.

I truly hope that my advice has given you some ideas to work with. Now it’s up to you to decide which tips you can implement and which to ignore – not every solution works for everyone, as every situation is different. The good news is that these tips can be used in combination for most people, so you are free to find what works best for you. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch and let me know which you tried, and what your results were. Take care of yourself, reader – you deserve it!

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Ask Her To Be My Girlfriend?

Dear KitschMix,

We’ve been talking long distance for about a year and I’ve seen her a couple of times. I get to see her this weekend and I really want to ask her to be officially mine even though we essentially have been loyal and together. Any ideas that would be cute?

Long distance is an especially tough situation to be in, but thankfully this doesn’t usually apply to asking someone out. In fact, it can be easier to ask her out if she’s far away, because (in theory) you have limitless time to come up with something cute – you have time to “script” your question and even come up with something super adorable.

Your specific wording will depend on things that she likes, which you obviously know better than I do. Here are a few cute ideas:

• If she likes pizza, consider: “Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?” – written on the inside of a pizza box.
• If she likes OITNB, you can consider something like “Will you be my partner in crime?” – and then follow with a Netflix binge.
• If she likes cats (and cheesy puns), you can probably find a blank-inside card somewhere, with a cat on the front, and fill in “Having you as my girlfriend would be purr-fect!”
• If she likes coffee, you could get her some Starbucks (or coffee from a local coffee shop – support locally owned businesses!) and write “I’d love to wake up next to you” on the cup. If you take her with you for this, you could probably tip the barista to write it for an extra special “surprise” – just make sure it’s clear that the flirtation is coming from you.

Really, there’s no limit to the number of cute ways you can ask someone out, whether it’s long distance or someone you’ve lived next door to for your entire life. This page has a great list of cute ways to ask someone out – but it should be noted that some of these are not realistic. Use your own discretion!

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I’m Not Gay Enough

Dear KitschMix,

For years I hide my sexuality, but now I’m out, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m struggling here. Whenever I go out people assume I’m straight. Then when I tell them I’m not, they look at me skeptically, like I’m lying.

Some women find my ‘straight’ girl appearance a turn on, others a turn off. But no seems to want to enter in to a relationship with me. It’s like there is some sort of fear there. That I’ll head back to the straight side. I’m a fake, a fraud.

I enjoy having long hair, wearing dresses, and I want to stay true to my ‘femme-side-of-the-spectrum’ self. But this isn’t working for me. I just want other ladies to believe I’m ‘gay’ (not prove over and over again), so that they’ll give me a chance. Help!

It’s a tale as old as lesbian-dom itself: The invisible femme. I don’t even personally consider myself a femme, but I happen to fall victim to this, too. Apparently I have a “straight face” or something? I don’t know.

(Even one of the quizzes here on KitschMix told me I was actually straight! I can’t win.)

Even when I’m wearing flannel and Chuck Taylors.

And all my rainbow jewelry.

At the gay bar.

With my girlfriend.

Like, literally sitting on her lap.

I just don’t look gay – and it’s actually taken me a long time to feel comfortable with that.

It might actually have something to do with how long we stay in the closet (but don’t quote me on that). I was a relatively late bloomer among my gay friends, and I even briefly went “back in the closet” for a while to try and prove to myself I was wrong about liking girls… But all I proved was that I am so, so gay. It sucks feeling like you have to prove yourself, especially if you actually fail miserably at it.

I wish I had some easy advice to tell you how to look gayer, but unfortunately for some of us it’s just not possible. In some ways, that can be a benefit.

My current girlfriend is usually attracted to super girly girls – which I am not – but there’s a sexiness she sees in me; something about how “girly” I still look in my ribbed tanks and basketball shorts. (Okay, so they’re actually hers, but still.)

I’ve had jobs where I was afraid to be “out” around my coworkers, and… Well, no matter how gay I try to look, it doesn’t happen – which works out pretty well if I’m trying to be “straight-acting”.

This isn’t the case when you’re trying to find a lady, though. I get completely looked over unless I’m looking online. The only reason my current lady ended up approaching me? I was friends with her cousin – and she found me on Facebook posting a bunch of memes about vaginas. (Hint: That helps, but it can be difficult if you have family or super conservative friends on your Facebook.)

I have never been checked out by a female in public, nor have I ever been approached in a bar. (Well… Not by a female. I really did have some guy who got creepy-obsessive who I met at the gay bar, who was apparently there to pick up girls, and he assumed that since I was the “straightest-looking” lady in the bar, I was fair game. Not great.) Most of my past girlfriends have been jealous over my friendships with guys because they assume that “the gay thing” is just a phase. Hello, it’s almost 2016, we shouldn’t ever assume that someone’s sexuality is just a phase. Even if it is, that’s nobody else’s business but theirs.

I actually met someone through friends once, and after several hours of my shy flirting with her (apparently I’m not very good at that either), she tells me “So I have yet to see any proof that you’re actually gay.” At this point I was feeling like she was ignoring all my advances, so of course I responded with, “Well I haven’t seen any proof you are, either.” I was actually tempted to provide her with a list of references. That’s how bad it is!

Why do we need to prove ourselves to anyone? It’s demeaning, and only reinforces the idea that we have to prove ourselves. It’s a catch-22. The harder you try, the less gay you’ll actually look.

That’s not to say that I don’t still “try” to look gay sometimes, though. I’ve still got my rainbow jewelry, and if I’m going out without my girlfriend I make a point to dress more studly – not that it works very well. Beanies can help, but with “lesbian fashion” being pretty much the same as “hipster fashion”, it doesn’t make much of a difference anymore.

Rather than trying to prove your gayness, focus on being more confident in yourself. Your confidence will attract a better caliber of partner… Someone who cares less about how gay you look and more about how awesome of a person you are. Most of the time, the best relationships come when you’re not actually looking – and the less focus you put on it, the better your chances will be.

(Not to mention, a “DGAF” attitude is super liberating. I can’t even explain how freeing it can be when you’re more worried about making yourself happy than fitting in someone else’s label.)

If you want to have a little fun with the idea while still being true to your femme self (which you totally should; femmes are great!) consider this “Nobody Knows I’m Gay” shirt. It’s totally cute, still girly, and it might help to drive the point home.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do We Reconnect?

Hi Kitsch Mix,

I have been in a relationship with a great woman now for almost two years – but for the last 18 months, she has been incarcerated. We had a wonderful relationship before this came about. The incarceration was the result of something from her past (years before we met) that finally caught up with her and she had to make right. When it all first started, it was a whirlwind of “what ifs” and not knowing how long this would actually drag out. I stuck by her side and was the supportive girlfriend, sending letters, books, funding phone calls, visiting, etc. Then my own life got hectic and I couldn’t commit myself to the demands she needed while she was trying to cope in prison. We didn’t talk for a few months, then we reconciled and things have been somewhat good, but not the same. She will be coming home very soon, and is very excited to start our life together and pretty much pick up where we left off.

The thing is, I feel like I don’t really know her anymore. I have my life and my schedule and can’t imagine her jumping into the picture like nothing has changed. She is going to be struggling to find work, a place to live (she keeps hinting at moving in with me), and I am not in a place to support her either. I feel like we need to get to know each other again, date again, and see if we want to continue this commitment. I pretty much put my life on hold for her in the beginning, then realized that I needed to live my life and not wait around for her to get through this. I don’t want to hurt her, but she seems to think that everything will be great and back to normal right off the bat. I am scared, nervous, and not ready to open my life up to her again like nothing has changed.

I am not sure how to approach this with her, but the clock is ticking, and sooner than later I will see her face to face again. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Well, reader, this is probably a pretty obvious answer here: You will need to explain to her that it’s not going to pick up right where you left off. I have never been romantically involved with someone who was incarcerated, but I do have a brother who has been in prison since I was almost 8 years old. (I’m 25 now.) I actually recently sent him something similar to what you will need to tell your girlfriend; allow me to paraphrase what I said to him. (This was a few weeks ago, so my memory is not exact, and of course the situation is not exactly the same, either.) With some minor adjustments, you can fix it to better suit your specific situation.

Dear Girlfriend’s Name,

I am excited for your release – but I feel that we do not know each other as well as we used to. I would like to get to know you again, but this situation has definitely had an impact on the nature of our relationship as it stands.

When you get out, I would like to start off at the beginning. Of course, it won’t be exactly square one, as I cherish the memories I have with you, but a lot has changed in the time that has passed. I am honored that you would like to pick up where we left off but unfortunately that is not entirely practical.

I would like to help you out how I can, but I am not currently in a position to support you financially. I will support you emotionally as best I can and I am interested in starting a new relationship with you – separate from the one we previously had. I hope you understand that this has not been easy on me. I know it has not been easy on you, either, and together I think we may eventually reach the point where it “never happened”. I wish I was ready for that now, but I’m not.

When you get out, I would like to begin by taking you out on a few dates. I will help you to find a job if I’m able – I would love to see you successful, and I think that it would be most helpful if I assist you, rather than working out all the details for you.

If you are willing to give this a chance with me, I would love to reintroduce myself – please do the same when you get out. I am still here for you and I still care for you; I’m not going anywhere. I value what we had, and I know you are capable of great things. I am proud of you for taking care of what you needed to, and soon it will be time to take care of the rest. I know you can do it.

As I mentioned previously, the specifics will depend on you, but this can serve as a basic outline of what to say to her. I’m not sure whether it would be better to send this in a letter, discuss over a phone call, or wait until you can be face to face, but you definitely need to discuss these things.

In case you don’t want to use my script (it’s not the greatest script – girlfriends are much different than brothers!) here is a brief summary of the points to make:

• Tell her you are proud of her for taking care of her commitments.
• Encourage her to be proactive about her new freedom.
• Reassure her that you still care, but you must start slowly.
• Make it clear that you cannot support her financially, but that you will support her emotionally.
• Acknowledge that her own situation is not going to be easy, and that your life was not put on hold just because she was locked up.

I would love to know how this turns out for you, as well as how the relationship progresses after her release. Incarceration is a very tricky subject and I’m happy for both of you that your girlfriend’s sentence was not as long as my brother’s. This can be helpful to both of you, and will quite possibly make the “reintroduction process” take far less time than it did the first time around. Take care, and thank you for reaching out to us – don’t hesitate to contact us again once you have moved forward!

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I Can’t Figure My BFF out? Does She Like Me Or What?

Dear KitschMix,

So I have a best friend who is also a lesbian like me. In the past she has said that she was in love with me, twice she said that and I said it back. But we never actually got into a real serious relationship. She’s been out with other women, and so have I. And every time she’s with someone I’m always happy for her even know deep down it hurts. However, when I was with someone she’d always get really annoyed and find something wrong with the person I liked or was with at the time.

And anytime I would want to get into a relationship at all with anyone she’d say how I should stay single for a bit and not to rush things even though that’s pretty much her talking about herself.

She randomly talks about how she wants to have sex with me, or has masturbated to the thought of me.

Anytime she finds a girl she likes she literally shoves it down my throat that they’re perfect (and whatnot) and won’t shut up about them.

She’ll say exactly this to me, “oh my god she’s honestly the hottest thing alive, I’d love to screw her ugh I wanna do such bad things to her” and that’s basically her 24/7 and when I don’t respond to her texts or phone calls she’ll keep texting and calling me over and over again and ask where I am or what I’m doing.

I’m so confused with her manipulative; mixed singles, jealous ass, please help?

Even if you and her are never anything more than friends, you shouldn’t put up with someone who wants to be in your life just to manipulate you. It’s rude, it’s mean, and it’s not fair to play with your emotions like that. As a friend, I’m not sure why you’d consider her your BFF – she treats you like a game.

Some people are only happy in an open relationship, and this may be what she’s hinting at – but I don’t really see it. I think that she’s the type that wants you all to herself, but can’t offer you the same. I’ve had some exes like that, honestly. It’s not fun, and it only gets worse if you actually date her. This type of behavior before you even begin a relationship can be a precursor to an unfaithful mentality – after all, she has you, why should she bother to make sure you’re happy? It doesn’t necessarily mean she will cheat, but if you allow the back-and-forth now, you may be inviting it later on.

Of course, I can’t stop you from trying to date her if you both happen to be single at the same time – but I would expect it to go sour. Don’t do anything to intentionally sabotage it, but don’t close your eyes to the mistreatment, either. The love and respect has to go both ways, otherwise it’s just a game.

I hope that she’s not intentionally playing with your emotions, but it does seem to me that she is. Tread with caution on this one, and make sure you keep your heart protected.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I Feel So Self-conscious When I Compare My Body To My Girlfriend’s

Dear KitschMix,

Anyways, I decided to write to you because I really really need an out-side perspective on the situation. Maybe I need someone to set me straight. Usually I’m the person who everyone turns to for advice and stuff, but I’m the worst for taking my own advice…

I fucking hate my body. I adore my girlfriend’s body. She is fucking gorgeous. She has played sports all of her life and has more of a toned-up athletic build. Me? I fucking hate sports, never played sports. I have the classical hour-glass figure – fairly big tits, small waist, and wide birthing hips with a lot of junk in the trunk. Now here comes the problem: I can’t stop feeling self-conscious when I look at my girlfriend’s body and then when I look at mine. I don’t have a flat stomach; I have a soft pudgy one. I don’t have perfect perky tits; I have big soft ones. And I hate them.

I hate most of my body. I always have since I was a teen. I’m not really THAT overweight, but yes I am definitely carrying an extra few kg’s that need to go. I feel like my body feels so ugly compared to hers. I can’t stop noticing every flaw, and this isn’t doing me/us any favours when we go to have sex. I LOVE sex. I’m a very sexual person and have a much higher libido than my girlfriend but I only feel comfortable with sex in very dim lights and preferably when I’m wearing a t-shirt or a bra or something, and I’m sick of feeling like this.

My girlfriend loves my body and loves my curves, she always tells me that but this doesn’t seem to help me.

I HATE feeling like this. I realise that it’s a MASSIVE mood-kill and probably a massive turn-off when I get into these horrible self-hating moods. I love my girlfriend so much and I only hope that she loves my body just as much as I love hers.

Has anyone ever been in this situation before? Did anyone ever manage to resolve it or get out of this terrible way of thinking? I’m going crazy here. Thank you for reading!

Reader, I see a lot of myself in you. I have had difficulties with my own self-confidence for much of my life. It can be especially difficult when I’m with someone thin, as I have never really been small. It actually got worse after I lost a lot of weight – I felt that my “new body” was too soft, and the woman I was with at the time seemed to be perfect. I couldn’t identify that we were actually about the same proportions at the time. It’s possible that this is your problem too.

It’s always hard to learn to love your own body, but it’s something that we all need to do at some point in our life. Some people are able to love themselves at a very young age, and others will struggle with it their entire life. I’m still struggling with it myself, and I probably will for my entire life. There have been times when I’ve completely stopped sex because I couldn’t stop focusing on my own flaws.

It’s important to know that it may very well be a long process to get to loving yourself, but thankfully there are a few things you can do to improve the situation. None of it will work immediately, and it may feel like an uphill battle for much of the time. It’s important that you keep trying until it becomes a habit.

• Try to eat better. Every small substitution can help you feel better about yourself, even if it doesn’t take the weight off. In fact, the weight itself isn’t necessarily the problem; if you try to focus too much on losing weight, it can bring you down even further. Instead, make small, healthy substitutions for some of the worst offenders, and don’t beat yourself up for indulgences every now and then.
• Try to exercise, in small bursts. Not everyone can run a marathon – so don’t bother with that, at least at first. You should begin with going for small walks, or even jumping on a trampoline – just something fun that gets you active. Of course, sometimes the sex can be the exercise – but this isn’t likely the case until you’re more comfortable with yourself.
• Try to keep a journal of your feelings. This doesn’t work for everyone, but it can be helpful to log your emotions, especially as they pertain to your body image. Being able to look through the way your feelings cycle can help you pinpoint whether these emotions are tied into your hormones (in reference to your menstrual cycle) or if they are unrelated. If you find out that it has something to do with your hormones, you might want to look into treatment for PMDD. This term references symptoms that are similar to PMS, but much more severe, and is marked by the onset being about 7-10 days before your menstrual period.
• If you decide to keep a journal, try to keep track of your measurements. In some cases, just being able to see that your measurements are a good “average” for your height may be enough to reassure you. Of course, self-measuring is difficult, and it is possible that you won’t be satisfied with your first measurements – this can help you determine whether you’ll need to work more on diet and exercise. Just remember that your health is more important than the numbers you see, and keep things in perspective.
• Talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. You should be able to tell her when your body image is not doing very well. It may be a mood killer, but it can help her to understand what’s going on in your mind. If she loves you, she will want to know how you’re feeling so that she may be able to help alleviate the bad ones.
• Find something you’re good at, and devote some time to it. Sometimes your body confidence can be helped by an overall confidence; that is, finding something that you can be super confident about to help make up for an area you are less confident in. It won’t completely fix the problem, but it can help to distract you from it.

It’s up to you to determine which tips work best for you, and as I previously mentioned it may be an uphill battle. If nothing seems to help you feel better about yourself, it may be worthwhile to seek professional counseling. Sometimes these issues are much deeper than just a self-confidence issue, and it’s important that you don’t ignore the signs of something more serious if they exist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you can get your confidence levels where they should be. Please don’t hesitate to contact us again after you have made some changes – we’d love to know how they worked out for you!

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Girlfriend Is Using A Dating App, Can I Still Trust Her?

Dear KitschMix,

My girlfriend is sweet and loving, but unfortunately seems to have a roaming eye (or two). We’ve had trust issues in the past, and I recently found out that she downloaded HER when I was away visiting family. She uninstalled it and claimed she was “just curious,” but I’m still hurt about it. I do what I can to be loving and make our sex life exciting, but she is not terribly interested. I’ve never caught her cheating, but I’ve caught her doing other inappropriate things that make me very suspicious.

She recently put a passcode on her phone and she won’t give it to me, even when situations come up where it would make sense to give it to me (like she is driving and I need to unlock her phone, or when mine wasn’t working and I needed to use hers). She refuses to share it with me. I’m really hurt and I feel like there is no good reason for her to do this, to be so protective over the code. She says she just wants privacy, but I think the only thing she could really want to keep “private” is stuff with other women.

This, rolled in with other problems, is making me think of actually leaving her. What do you think? Am I over reacting? Does she have the right to keep the code from me without me getting upset?

Reader, your girlfriend sounds a lot like one of my exes. She got mad when I accidentally happened upon an “I love you” text from her to another woman – so she passcoded her phone and refused to let me in it. Of course, this inflamed my jealousy – and for good reason. She left it behind, unlocked, one day – and I peeked. I’m not proud of myself for snooping, but I found way more stuff that really got under my skin.

There are some people who say that whatever you find when snooping, you brought it on yourself – I don’t think that’s true. There is such a thing as secrets that shouldn’t be kept, and some of the examples you may find will haunt you. Yeah, you shouldn’t have to look – but your partner shouldn’t have to hide, either.

I wish I could tell you that my situation was way more extreme than yours, but most likely that’s not true. It’s one thing to maintain your privacy, but it’s another thing to be caught sneaking around and then try to get some privacy. The way this situation rolled out, I think it’s safe to assume she’s cheating – or she’s trying to.

To me it seems like you’ve already tried to talk this out with her, and she just doesn’t want to talk about it. In this situation, I’d say the best choice is to leave her – she’s proving that she doesn’t respect you enough to be honest with you, even when she’s been caught. You shouldn’t have to waste your time with someone who can’t be honest with you.

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: My Girlfriend Wants Me To Do Something In Bed I’m Just Not Comfortable With

Dear KitschMix,

I really need help ASAP because my girlfriend and I just got into a huge disagreement and I am desperate for advice. I feel absolutely sick right now.

I love having sex with my girlfriend and it is always amazing, whether we use toys/vibrators, etc. or not. We have had sex with a strap-on many times, and she is always the one wearing it while I receive. She likes penetrative sex also and we have played around with me using dildo on her. She asked me a while ago to use a strap-on with her, and lately she has been asking more and more frequently to the point of getting frustrated and angry with me for avoiding it. I’ve told her that thinking about doing that turns me off completely, but she doesn’t understand and feels hurt that I don’t want to. I do see her point because even though we don’t have sex with it every time, I love when we do and I would be unhappy if she refused to anymore.

But honestly the thought of wearing a strap-on really is a major turn off. I’m very feminine and she is way more masculine than I am. It’s not like I think she’s the “man” in the relationship or anything like that. However, my femininity is what makes me feel sexy. Wearing a strap-on does not make me feel sexy at all. I’ve put it on when she’s not around and tried to imagine having sex with her and the look of pleasure on her face but all I feel is disgust.

I absolutely mean it when I say that thought of fucking her with a strap-on is actually repulsive to me to the point where I don’t think I could even mentally force myself to do it, no matter how good it would feel for her.

I’ve tried to gently tell her my thoughts about it, and then said no more firmly. I don’t know how else to say I don’t want to without shouting “IF YOU MAKE ME DO THIS I MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU.” She has never said, “if you love me you’d do it” (and she never would, because she’s not an asshole) but sometimes I feel like she’s thinking it.

I would never ever want her to force herself to do anything that made her uncomfortable and I hope she feels the same way. It’s not even that she’s being pushy or abusive towards me about it, but she’s clearly pissed off hence the disagreement. It basically ended with us looking at each other helplessly then I came to my room and started crying and I’m pretty sure she left.

Am I being completely unreasonable and selfish? Are there just some things you should do to make your partner happy even when you don’t want to? I feel terrible. I feel like I’m the worst girlfriend ever for being unwilling to do it. It’s not like I’m new to lesbian sex or intimidated by wearing a strap-on. I just don’t want to. She treats me well and we are so in love. I can’t stand the thought of this putting a strain on our relationship. Maybe we should see a sex therapist or something. But like I said, our sex life is great aside from this. What should I do? How do I talk to her about it?

Well, this is a tricky situation indeed. It does seem a little one-sided that you love to receive the strap-on but you aren’t willing to give it. There is one thing that stands out to me that I felt the need to mention – unless it’s specifically intended as gender play, there’s nothing inherently masculine about wearing a strap-on. It’s a sex toy, just like any other, with the added bonus of leaving your hands free for other things.

That being said, it’s also important that your partner be understanding of the things you’re not comfortable with, and it seems like the strap-on is a “hard no” in your book. It’s never right to demand something that your partner simply isn’t comfortable with – but it’s also not fair to demand something you wouldn’t be able to give in return. If you’re really not willing to give it to her, then don’t expect her to give it anymore, either.

Of course, I must ask – have you ever actually tried it? The idea of wearing a strap-on can seem intimidating from the start, which is possibly a bigger problem than the perceived masculinity from it. It’s a challenging new thing to learn, and doesn’t seem to be as straightforward as the use of other toys is. But once you get used to the idea of giving it to your partner with a strap-on, most women love to do it!

Keep in mind that there are straight women who use a strap-on with their male partners – which just backs up the idea that there isn’t necessarily anything involved that inhibits your femininity. In fact, there are some strap-ons that can penetrate both of you at the same time; if that might set your mind more at ease in regards to the presumed gender roles, then opt for something like that instead.

As a somewhat feminine woman myself, let me tell you – I enjoy giving it to a partner with a strap-on much more than I like receiving it from. It’s not about gender play, it’s about power – and being able to “fuck” your partner in that way is an incredible source of power.

I recommend you first give it a chance, to see if you like it. Don’t expect to be perfect at it at first – and make sure you listen to your partner. It’s possible that just hearing how aroused she is by it will eliminate the feelings of doubt you have. It’s also possible that you’ll really enjoy it. If you have a toy that vibrates, this can be a great feeling for the one wearing the harness – turn it on!

If, after trying, you are unable to enjoy yourself (or at least tolerate it enough to give it to her in the future), be honest with her about it. She might be very disappointed by this, but if she respects you, she won’t push you after you’ve given it a chance. Just don’t expect her to extend the favor anymore, either.

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We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Should I Let Her Go?

Dear KitschMix,

I met this girl online a while ago, we met for coffee, hit it off. Met up a second time at a show, ended up having sex in her car, but then I never saw her again after that.

I texted her a little while afterwards and she happened to be busy at the time, working a lot, couldn’t really make plans. I asked her to let me know when she had more free time. I’m assuming she just forgot, I did too, but I kind of want to see her again.

It’s been over a month since I last texted her. Would it be weird for me to text her now? We’ve only hung out twice; I don’t even know how I really feel about her. I think I’m just feeling lonely and wanting to be around new people, maybe curious to see where this goes.

I’ve never been one to really pursue anyone, I’m usually the asshole that blows people off or loses interest. Is it worth a shot or should I just let it go and find someone else?

Well, Reader, I think the first, most important question you need to ask yourself in this situation is: Why do you want to see her again? If you determine that it really is just you being lonely, then maybe it’s best to take some time to spend with your friends. Sometimes, when we’re in a relationship, we can forget about our friends, and that’s really not the best for our emotions. The lesbian urge to merge can be strong – we should fight it until we’re sure!

Of course, if you can’t determine conclusively that you’re just lonely, it may be worthwhile to explore the feelings with her. There’s probably a reason why you’re still thinking about her, right? Maybe it’s worth looking into. You never know, sometimes the best situations start in the most unexpected of ways.

It does, however, seem like she’s not really that interested. I don’t like when girls play games, like acting hard-to-get to make themselves feel more desirable, so if you think this could be the case on her end, you shouldn’t waste your time and effort on her. Some girls like casual sex – there’s not a lot you can do about it. Maybe she doesn’t think you clicked.

It shouldn’t hurt to text her and ask, though – worst case scenario, you’ll find out that she doesn’t care to be with you, and you can move on without her. Best case scenario, she forgot or thought you wouldn’t be interested – and you can move forward from there.

Best of luck, Reader – I hope you can figure out the situation between the two of you and reach a satisfactory conclusion!

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Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

Quick back story – we met through work about a year and a half ago, but we never really hung out as closer friends until this spring.

Some of my friends would comment every now and again that I should ask her out on a date. I always knew she was bisexual however from what I can tell she hasn’t had a serious relationship with another woman. I’ve always been super attracted to women however due to a number of reasons, never really acted upon it. Also I couldn’t really picture me dating her at the time, it just didn’t make sense.

We’ve been spending more time together lately and it’s been cool, ya know? I’m moving away soon so I figured it was kind of natural to get a little closer. Last month we went to a queer dance party and she had way more to drink than I realized. We were chilling on a couch, and I was feeling more affectionate than usual and I started rubbing her neck and scratching her head. And then she looked at me and I realized right fucking then “Oh fucking christ, ____’s so beautiful. ” and I also realized she wanted to kiss me. So I let her and immediately felt weird for letting my drunk friend kiss me while I was mostly sober. So I made her get her jacket and walked her home.

So that’s when I started seriously considering what had never occurred to me until that night: “Could I date ____? Would that even work? Do I want to risk this great friendship?”

Anyways, she doesn’t remember it, and I never brought it up after because there was no real point. HOWEVER. This past Tuesday we got really drunk at this bar and uhh I don’t know I just remember kissing her on the shoulder because I couldn’t bear to kiss her on the mouth, and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Blah blah blah we went back to her place, we hooked up, and the next morning I went to work with a crazy hangover. We’ve been texting since then, and it doesn’t feel awkward or anything.

I keep running in circles over whether or not to ask her to “talk about it” and risk making what time I have left with her awkward. I also feel like if I don’t talk about it, I’m going to lose a real chance to find out whether or not she would date me.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but if you want to know – you’ve got to risk the awkwardness and ask. If things aren’t awkward now, it’s entirely possible that they’ll remain comfortable even when you talk about it. There’s nothing that says that things have to be weird when you hook up with a friend.

In fact, if you think about it, the best relationships often grow from friendships. Why should we feel awkward if this happens to us? There’s always going to be that chance that the two of you are meant to be. Even if neither of you has had a serious relationship with a woman before (even though you have no actual evidence that this is the case on her end) – everyone starts somewhere. There’s always a first time, and if you’re this drawn to her, this could be your chance for a first time!

The most important thing to remember in this situation is that the two of you need to be honest with each other. Keep in mind that her feelings may not be returned, but you’ll still need to ask. The way the curious human mind works, we will wonder about something until we know the answer, and if it’s something as serious as what could be love, it may eat us up inside until we finally act on it!

You said you’ll be moving away soon – does this mean that you might have a chance to “break free” if the situation ends up being embarrassing? It could actually be the perfect guard, from the information you’ve given… After all, if you aren’t going to run the risk of accidentally crossing paths, you can basically get away if things go sour. Please forgive me if I misunderstood this situation!

All in all, I think it would be unwise to ignore these feelings. The fact that things have happened more than once and it seems like you are both eager to explore it should tell you that it’s worth checking into it. Please don’t hesitate to send us a follow-up message telling us how it went!

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Q: How Do I Tell My Long Term Girlfriend I Want Us To Have An Open Relationship? 

Dear KitschMix,

So here’s the deal. I am in a loving and committed relationship and have been for three years. We fulfil one and other as companions, sharing intimacy as much as I could dream. I really love her, but there is still this urge I get to explore seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I love her less than before, as any poly person would tell you (I talked to a poly couple at length), I just feel like things could be even better.

However, I am uncertain as to how to proceed now. We have danced around the subject before, and I’m not sure how she feels. What language would others with more experience advise me to use? I don’t want it to come out negative, or for her to feel criticized or that I am unhappy with her. It’s such a difficult talk to consider, and a big step if we choose to pursue it. Any advice or anecdote would help.

I am not poly myself, but I have had a lot of poly friends in the past, and have also been the “other woman” in a poly relationship before. It works for some people, and it doesn’t work for others – and you’ll really never know until you ask her.

I understand your hesitation with bringing it up. It can be a tough situation to come across, because the opinions on the matter lie across the board. However, you said you’ve talked about it vaguely before. If she didn’t seem like she was offended by the idea, it may be safe to move forward.

I’d recommend bringing it up in a way that tells her that you’re genuinely interested in her opinion of the subject. Maybe start with something along the lines of “Have you ever thought about having an open relationship?” Don’t share your thoughts right away; if she’s completely unreceptive to the idea, you’ll need to decide whether it’s worth pressing forward or not. It is entirely possible that she won’t like the idea. Poly relationships are definitely not right for everyone.

If she admits that she has thought about an open relationship before, you can begin to present the reasons why you’re interested. Make sure you reassure her that it has nothing to do with you not wanting her – this is one of the biggest fears with poly relationships. Some people cite a difference in sex drive for the thing causing them to want to pursue others – if this is the reason, make sure you let her know.

It’s necessary that you two be comfortable discussing the specifics of your arrangement should it arise – there are no set-in-stone rules when it comes to open relationships, so you’ll need to work out every detail yourselves. You might decide that you’ll go no further than second base with your “others”, and keep all sexual activity between the two of you – you may decide that you’ll only have sex with the others, and keep all other forms of intimacy between the two of you.

It’s entirely up to you two, but these things typically work out best if all of the partners are given the same permissions. After all, it’s not really fair if one is allowed to do more than the others, right? Be fair to each other, and keep everyone’s needs in consideration.

Keep in mind, also, that not everyone is comfortable with participating in a poly relationship, either. You must understand and respect that, and always be honest with whatever “others” you may have. Even if your loyalties lie with your partner, honesty is key for everyone.

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