Tag Archives: Relationships

15 Signs You May Be Polyamorous

You’ve never been good at relationships. You’ve tried, but something about them always felt…off. You can’t put your finger on why. But the thought of being tied to just one person makes your stomach churn.

Maybe you feel guilty or maybe you’re just confused. What the hell is going on? Are you just a horrible person who can’t be faithful?

Maybe you’re polyamorous.

If you’re polyamorous, that means you’re inclined to being romantically or sexually involved with more than one person at the same time.

Famous polyamorous people include Margaret Cho, Larry King, Myq Kaplan, Ayn Rand, Will Smith and every literally every man in the Old Testament.

You might be polyamorous if…

  • You believe that you have a lot of love to give, and that love should be spread out among multiple people.
  • You often have feelings for more than one person at a time.
  • You believe that loving one person doesn’t diminish the love you have for another person.
  • The idea of your partner with someone else doesn’t make you jealous.
  • In fact, maybe it turns you on.
  • You have trouble committing. You bristle at the thought of being tied down.
  • You believe that one person cannot meet all of your physical and emotional needs, and that they shouldn’t have to try.
  • You’ve tried monogamous relationships. When in a monogamous relationship, you felt trapped, you resented your partner, or you cheated.
  • You’ve had open relationships in the past, and they were amazing.
  • You believe that you have a lot to offer potential partners. You’re so amazing that it would be selfish to keep you all to yourself!
  • You love getting to know lots of new people. Life is about making deep soul-to-soul connections with people you never expected.
  • When you think about your future, you don’t envision marriage to one person. You hate the thought of a “normal” relationship that lasts until you die.
  • You are willing to be communicative and honest with your partner.
  • You are willing to take chances. You are willing to get hurt.
  • Your tattoo says, “The more the merrier.”

If several of those apply to you, then you may be polyamorous. Now what?

Read the polyamorous bible, The Ethical Slut, cover to cover.

Educate yourself by reading Polyamorous Lesbian Relationship Myths Busted.

Talk to your partner after reading Is Polyamory Right For You and Your Girlfriend?

Play devil’s advocate with Why Polyamory Won’t Work for You.

Check out the polyamorous meet-ups in your area.

And then take a chance!

Moments You’ll Understand If You Have A Queer BFF (Video)

Let me start by saying that I love my straight BFFs. Each and everyone of them has taught me something about myself and I value their friendship very much. They make me laugh when I’m about to cry and they are always down to party. What more can you ask for in your best friends?

But sometimes it can all get a bit tricky – watch and relate.

Are You A Narcissist?

Have you ever heard the story of Narcissus? According to ancient Greek mythology, Narcissus’s mother was told that he would live an exceptionally long time, as long as he never saw himself. It was a pretty good plan, until he spurned a would-be lover (one version says a man named Ameinias, while another version says it was the nymph Echo), and was sentenced by the gods to overlook a spring – a spring in which he fell in love with his own reflection and ended up dying. The term narcissist comes from Narcissus’s love for himself, but these days it’s mostly used to talk about someone whose whole world revolves around themselves.

For those of us in the United States, we’ve probably never seen such a clear picture of narcissism as we have in presidential candidate Donald Trump. In fact, Trump embodies almost every trait associated with narcissism, including the inflated ego and overvaluing of one’s own opinions over proven facts. Sigh. Consider me grateful that this whole mess is (probably) going to be over soon, and Trump can just go back to wherever he was before the 2016 presidential race started.

(Meanwhile, if he wins, I might be taking off to join my good friends overseas. Seriously – his running mate wants to trade marriage equality for gay conversion therapy? No, thanks.)

All politics aside, psychoanalyst and therapist Lisa Schlesinger, in an article on YourTango, says that everyone has narcissistic tendencies; the official psychological diagnosis of “narcissism” is just reserved for the most extreme forms. Let’s take a deeper look.

(Please note that her article related to narcissistic parents, but I have adapted what she’s said to apply to those of us who might not have children – many of the same traits are true. Someone with a psychology degree please weigh in if I’m wrong here.)

Narcissism is a totally normal part of human development.

According to Sigmund Freud, children need to go through a narcissistic stage in order to become self-aware. But if that stage lasts beyond puberty, and is classified as “extreme,” it’s then considered a personality disorder. Schlesinger recommends psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis once it gets to these points, stating that “[t]hese modalities of treatment are the most direct way to address your narcissistic tendencies.” But what if you haven’t been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

A healthy amount of narcissism requires that you value your own needs.

Humans (and all other animals) have a built-in survival instinct; this survival instinct relies on the brain’s need to preserve itself before others. You absolutely are the most important person in your life, and it’s essential that you see things that way; if not, there may be other issues at play, such as depression or codependence. What might be even worse is that someone who falls on one end of the spectrum will most likely seek out someone who falls on the other end of the spectrum. We’re not here to talk about depressed and codependent people, though – we’re only here for narcissism today.

Most people fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Narcissists (whether healthy or malignant) tend to hold an image of themselves that may not be entirely true, and they become threatened by anything that challenges their self-perception. Healthy narcissism requires channeling that into motivation to better oneself, instead of taking a defensive stance on the issue and adamantly defending your own hypocrisy. Healthy narcissism also involves feeling empathy toward others, while ultimately putting your own needs – and the needs of those you care deeply about – ahead of the needs of strangers. Of course, things are a lot more complicated than that, but I’m not a psychologist – I’m just someone who enjoys studying mental illness.

Malignant narcissists use others to meet their needs, without regard to that person’s own needs.

While healthy narcissism tries to find the best solution for everyone involved, malignant narcissists treat others as tools to get the things they want, without giving anything in return. They take any available opportunity to pawn their own responsibilities off on others, such as leaving the kids home alone to go out partying. They neglect the needs of their loved ones in order to satisfy their own. They will also make cutting remarks about others, in an attempt to make themselves look better, often with little regard to the truth of the statements they make.

So, how can you tell how narcissistic you are?

Do you see other people as extensions of yourself? In other words, do you think in terms like “my partner” as opposed to “Brianna,” “my friend” as opposed to “Cassandra,” etc.? While this is a minor distinction, most people choose to refer to someone by their role within the person’s life, rather than who they are on their own.

Do you compare yourself to and compete with others? Many people thrive on competition, but most of us can also respect the idea that competition with others doesn’t do anything but make you miserable. The only person you should really try to be better than is the person you were yesterday, and the only person you should really compare yourself to is the person you’ll be tomorrow.

Do you resent demands from others when they take up your time? For example, do you consider your own downtime more important than someone else’s basic human needs, or rights? Most of us support the idea of equal rights (although I don’t have any exact figures here), but we often won’t help others any more than sharing a post on Facebook or tossing a “like” on someone’s status.

Do you pressure others to do the things you like, without taking their interests into consideration? If you’ve ever pushed your partner or friend to do something you knew she wouldn’t enjoy, just so you didn’t have to do it alone, you fall into this category – sorry!

Do you submerge yourself in the lives of others, so deeply that you lose your own identity? Whether you consider yourself “____’s girlfriend,” “_____’s daughter,” or “_____’s best friend,” you fall into this category. To a lesser extent, this also applies to people who idolize celebrities – if you define yourself as a fan of someone else, you are making their existence a fixture in your life.

Are you a sore loser? Narcissists feel threatened when they aren’t the best at what they do – even if someone else was clearly better. Narcissists don’t like losing, and instead of adjusting their own tactics to get better, they blame the other person, possibly even accusing them of cheating.

Do you consider yourself better than others? Even if you keep it to yourself, you’re a narcissist for thinking it. Narcissists take apart the identities of others and assign values to them – even if those values have little to do with who the person really is.

Do you tell yourself you deserve new/better/more things because of everything you deal with? I think anyone who has ever worked retail, and then participated in “retail therapy,” falls into this particular category. (Yes, I’m putting myself here, too – I regularly spoil myself with nice things, because I feel that no one else is going to give me the things I feel that I’ve earned.)

Do you do things in order to gain recognition? The motivation behind the things you do is an important factor here. Narcissists do things for attention or recognition, instead of being self-motivated. For example, do you post selfies in workout gear to collect likes and inspirational messages? If you skip the gym selfies and updates, and instead just go to the gym because you want to improve your physical fitness, congratulations, you might not fall into this one.

Do you trash-talk others to make yourself look (or feel) better? A good friend of mine once told me that “being a hater shows your true insecurities.” He told me this immediately after I was, in fact, being a hater, talking down on someone else for having a body type that made me uncomfortable. Rest assured – this was a few years back and I’m totally over the body-shaming now – but I’d be lying if I said I never did it.

Do you stay with someone you feel is a “bad person” because it’s more comfortable than being alone? While this particular classification can go for narcissism or codependence, the key here is who your partner is bad toward. Narcissists don’t care if the person they’re dating is a total asshole to everyone else, including the other people the narcissist cares about, as long as they treat them nice.

Do other people simply “fit into” your life, instead of being a part of your life? Another subtle difference here. Narcissists “cast” people to fill roles in their lives – girlfriend, best friend, work wife, etc. – and then cast them aside when they’re no longer needed. True relationships require that you be there for them when they need you, too.

OK, you’re a narcissist. Now what?

Thankfully, Schlesinger outlined a few ways you can manage your own narcissism, once you’ve identified it. It has to be a conscious choice, or it’ll never stick – a narcissist can’t (and won’t) change just because other people want them to. If you’re ready to change your own narcissistic habits, follow the steps below.

  1. Become self-aware of your own narcissism. Evaluate the narcissistic things you do, and decide which you’d like to change. Some will be healthy behaviors, so take the time to actually scrutinize them. You’re not trying to change who you are – you’re just trying to change how you treat others.
  2. Consider another perspective before your own. It’s going to be really hard, especially if you’ve never done it before, but teaching yourself empathy is an essential human trait. Try to think of the ways your choices will affect others, and respect that other people have different opinions. You don’t have to agree – you just have to respect.
  3. Be patient with the process. The more narcissistic habits you possess, the harder the change is going to be. You might be tempted to change everything all at once, especially since narcissists are used to instant gratification, but the world doesn’t usually work like that – especially when it comes to changing habits. Take one habit at a time and give it at least 30 days to change. Then, once you feel confident that you’ve broken the habit, move onto the next one.
  4. Acknowledge the things that made you the person you are today. Most likely, something happened in your past to bring those narcissistic tendencies to the surface. Did your parents neglect you as a child? Were you let down by a former partner? Did you give up the career you loved to be a stay-at-home parent? You have to respect the forks in the road that brought you here, without letting them define who you are now.
  5. Understand that you are in control. Everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, and everyone fantasizes about being the most important person in the world. But the reason most people don’t seem like narcissists is because we learn how to control those tendencies, and only rely on them when we need
  6. Seek professional help, if necessary. While you can manage your narcissism on your own, it’s definitely going to be easier if you’ve got a pro in your corner. Counseling sucks sometimes, but Schlesinger says that psychodynamic therapies and psychoanalysis have been proven to help treat narcissistic personality disorder – so don’t be afraid to ask your doctor about it!

How To Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Transgender

Take a deep breath.

Your girlfriend loves you. And if she truly loves you, then she will want to support you during your transition. Trust her love and tell yourself that no matter what, things will be okay.

Think about what you want.

What pronouns would you like to use? Are you considering hormone therapy? Do you want your other friends to know, or would you like to keep this a secret for the time being? You don’t have to have all of the answers, but keeping these concerns in mind will help you and your girlfriend plan for what’s next.

Remind your partner that you’re not becoming a new person.

You’re not suddenly changing your gender – you’ve always felt like this gender and you’re finally going public about it. Although you may experience some hormonal changes as you start treatments, you won’t be changing who you are – you’re just becoming more of yourself.

Be prepared to answer questions.

Your partner might not know a lot about the T in LGBT, so they’ll probably have questions. If they ask, they’re not trying to belittle you or discredit your identity; they want to learn more about your experiences and understand how they can be a better partner.

Have a support system.

Whether it’s a therapist or a trusted circle of friends, make sure that your support system extends beyond your girlfriend. No matter how supportive your girlfriend is, she can’t help you with everything, and she’ll need to have her own support system as well.

Give her time to adjust.

Your girlfriend may not jump for joy right away. She may have questions and concerns. She may be shocked. If you’re coming out as a trans* man and she’s always considered herself a lesbian, then this may be a challenge to her identity. Give her some space to adjust on her own time and don’t ask her to decide anything right away.

Remember why you’re doing this.

This is hard. And, especially if your girlfriend is less than supportive, you may be tempted to go back in the closest. But this journey is about being true to yourself. It will be hard, but it will be worth it!

From She To They – The Pronoun Change That Distorted My Perceived Sexuality

Ever since I learnt about building schemas during my university career, I have literally felt and seen myself adapt my schemas around new information in regards to Dylan’s transition to gender neutral.

As I’ve found out about each new change, I have sat with the discomfort of the Unknown before then adapting my schema to reflect the new information and fit it into my reality. A part of me has marveled at my ability to adapt as I’ve watched my brain ‘come around’ to the new ideas and accept them as the new normal, whilst another part has actively pulled away and resisted these changes due to fear of losing myself in the process. For me one of the hardest transitions to come to terms with has been the pronoun change – which is actually still very new as I write this, and as yet not put into practice by anyone except me.

Dylan told me recently that they planned to change their pronoun from she to they, something that I suspected was coming but if I’m honest really hoped wouldn’t. For Dylan this change was something that made them feel more like themselves, and better reflected the way the gender binary did not suit them-she and he simply did not reflect Dylan’s identity. For me, however, it is through this one word change, from she to they, that I feel the public loss of my identity most keenly.

In using they when referencing my partner a large part of my identity, the lesbian part, is no longer readily obvious. Where previously I could gently ‘out’ myself through a comment such as ‘my partner is a brilliant social worker, she works for…’, I am now faced with the comment ‘my partner is a brilliant social worker, they work for…’ Which I fear will be read as me trying to hide the gender of my partner, rather than as my partner being gender neutral since this gender is not yet part of mainstream consciousness. This then implies that I am uncomfortable in my sexuality and greatly saddens me because I am actually very confident and happy in my sexuality, so to come across as uncomfortable makes me, well, uncomfortable! I mentioned this to an Austrian friend this morning and she actually said that as an ESL

(English as second language) person she would read this as me having multiple partners, something else I hadn’t considered but also inaccurate in my case. In order to avoid this confusion I need to preface every conversation with an explanation of my partner’s gender, something that is at times a little daunting considering that they are part of a considerably small minority group (and we all know that discrimination comes readily when society lacks understanding), as well as a direct explanation of my sexuality if I want to share that part of my identity. No more subtle, gentle outings for me- blunt explanations only.

In this way I have come to realise that the hardest part of this particular change is that this is not going to be a transition from one thing to another and then it is completed. Unlike Dylan’s name change, which was a transition for our current community but is irrelevant in all new social situations, this pronoun change is going to be a lifelong process, and one that requires me to regularly explain. Any person that I ever talk to about my partner will need a direct explanation of both of us if I want them to understand my identity. In terms of my sexuality this is quite different from the simplistic and subtle outing that I have become used to over the last 10 years.

Through this I’ve really realised just how much sexuality is a key part of identity and is often seen as reflected in choice of partner. The problem that I’m now having though is that my sexuality is seemingly at odds with Dylan’s gender- if I am she and Dylan is they then what sexuality am I, and what type of relationship are we in? The use of pronouns, something seemingly so simple, distorts my sexuality and makes it unrecognisable. My place in society is no longer easily readable through conversation, but shrouded in mystery- am I uncomfortable with my sexuality? Dating many people? Don’t know that ‘they’ is (traditionally) a plural?

Whilst this has been a big change for me, I can feel my schema adapting to our new reality and building new pathways to reconcile the new ways that my identity will need to be expressed. I am still daunted and worried but I can also feel a small yet distinct flutter of excitement at the prospect of pioneering social change through sharing mine and Dylan’s confidence in our genders and sexualities. I am learning how to make my language reflect our identities and new ways to feel comfortable ‘outing’ us.

I am learning to truly own my identity, both as an individual entity and as a reflection of Dylan. Yes, I am the partner of a gender neutral person, but I am also my own person with my own identity words. I am a lesbian, who happens to be in love with a human that lives slightly out of the box, and has ‘character’ rather than ‘gendered traits’. I am the ‘she’ in she+they- and that means whatever I want it to mean, not what society stipulates.

My Dating App Success Story

Our story began with Brenda, a lesbian dating app that was all the rage in Sydney in 2013. Although this app was rather sparse in terms of the details you input about yourself, Dylan’s cute picture and short description was quick to spark my interest and I sent them a message.

Thankfully they wrote back. Whilst Chatting like this wasn’t unusual for me, what I didn’t know was that it was Dylan’s first time on a dating site and despite enjoying our conversation they were totally weirded out at the thought of chatting so in depth with someone they didn’t know. So much so that they almost didn’t meet me.

Almost. Obviously we did meet and we had a long first date that neither of us wanted to end, then an extremely romantic second date (night time beach picnic with candles- well done Dylan!) and many many more dates to come. We were a lesbian dating app success story!

Fast forward 3.5 years and we are still a success story, only not the lesbian type anymore, and I guess if we’re being pedantic we never were.

In 2015, Dylan came out as gender neutral, a gender that sits outside the constraints of the male/female binary, and has only just started to be legally recognised in Australia in the last couple of years. Although this revelation didn’t change the way we felt about each other, or the way we related to each other, it did change both of our identities and so caused a lot of confusion for me, especially because the journey was in no way linear.

The revelations started coming for Dylan after I jokingly asked them one day if maybe they might be transgender and be a man. Dylan laughed it off, but unbeknownst to me stayed up late for days on end feverishly googling all things trans and noticing many similarities, as well as differences. This eventually culminated in Dylan telling me that they were a man, and us both crying at the enormity of the situation for a whole weekend. And then suddenly, not to long after this, Dylan changed their mind.

To be fair, it wasn’t sudden for Dylan because they already knew that there were some parts that didn’t add up and that ‘male’ didn’t really fit, but to me, sitting outside of the process and hearing only the end results, it was sudden.

So life went on as usual in our female, lesbian world and then it was happening again. Obviously Dylan had been thinking about this constantly and taking time to consider all possibilities, but again, to me it was a sudden revelation. ‘I am not a man, but one day I want to have a flat male-like chest and then I will feel comfortable.’ It quickly moved from one day on to in a few years and then next year.
I wasn’t shocked that this was something Dylan wanted but I was confused about what this all meant and where it was going. Was it going to be a slow transformation into ‘male’ or just a cosmetic change that made Dylan feel more comfortable in their body?

I didn’t know, but I wanted to know desperately. I realise now that these types of self discovery take time and can be very emotionally draining, but for me, watching from the outside and never knowing what was happening and what to expect also had its challenges. I loved Dylan but I was unsure how I felt about the possibility of being ‘straight’ and dating a man, and basically just wanted to know where the end point of this journey would be so that I could get my own thoughts straight.

After more soul searching Dylan realised that neither male nor female fit for them, and found the right label- gender neutral, or non-binary or genderqueer. We happily interchange these words, although some people probably have a preference for which is right for them. Even after this discovery there were still more revelations to come with Dylan making the decision to change their name and their pronoun (their old name is generally considered a ‘female only’ name so didn’t quite fit).

Writing it all down it sounds fairly condensed, but from the moment I mentioned the possibility of Dylan being transgender, to the point where the first changes were actually made was 18 months, and we are still waiting on Dylan’s chest surgery due to the availability of the surgeon, so it will end up being about a 2 year process in the end. The first 18 months were definitely the hardest part though. Hard for Dylan as they analysed every innermost thought to find their authentic self, and hard for me as I waited on (and at times tried to provoke) these decisions, anxiously wondering what my relationship would look like, and how my own identity would change in Dylan’s reflection.

I’m not going to lie, it was a difficult and challenging time for both of us, and whilst I know for a fact that neither of us ever thought specifically about leaving each other, we both thought the other one might leave. Dylan thought I would jump ship because I wanted a woman and I thought Dylan would run from me because I wasn’t laughing and smiling my way through the situation. Thankfully this didn’t happen.

Finding my voice and starting to write about our relationship and my experiences on my blog She+They was a major turning point for both of us. It gave me the confidence to confront the situation head on and really own my feelings and experiences – both the negative and the positive – and it explained to Dylan exactly why I had found this change hard. It gave me a platform from which to discuss identity, change, relationships, and all things gender neutral and also gave me a new ‘hobby’ with a purpose. I wanted to provide myself with an emotional outlet, educate my community and reach out to other partners of transgender people. I’d like to think that the blog is quietly achieving this.

I know it sounds a bit corny to say this but we are stronger and happier than we have ever been now, and it’s undeniably related to Dylan’s transition. Obviously Dylan is a happier human so this has helped, but the transition also taught us a lot about each other and the different ways we both like to communicate. We learnt that I express my love through tasks whilst Dylan expresses theirs through words, that I like to talk everything through and be a part of ‘the process’ where Dylan prefers to do this alone and then divulge answers and that I like to move quickly, investigate all angles and make decisions where Dylan prefers to ruminate. Neither of us are ‘right’ but understanding the inner workings of each other, and what we both need in times of stress has brought us closer together. We also now know each other’s trigger points, as well as solutions to appease each other, so that basically any argument we may have now dissolves in a matter of minutes.

Obviously Dylan’s journey was not easy for them, and caused great amounts of confusion and fear about what the future may hold, but that said often the journey of a partner is seemingly overlooked completely. Perhaps this is because it is considered easier or insignificant by comparison.

Whatever the reason, it is something that shouldn’t be overlooked or devalued. As the partner of someone transitioning my sense of self and identity was challenged in a way that I never thought was possible.

I mean, I’m a lesbian in a relationship with someone that isn’t a woman, and in a world where everything has labels our relationship doesn’t even fit into a box. I always considered myself open minded so I guess it’s pretty great to be able to back myself up and say that I am quite literally living outside the box. And it’s a pretty damn good space to be in!

7 Dirty Words You Can Have Engraved On Your iPad (and 4 You Can’t)

Recently, I was reading a Buzzfeed article about engraving iPads. I’m not an iPhone/iPad/iPod person, myself, and realistically I was just using the article as a procrastination technique. But, as I read further, I started to wonder… why is this a thing?


Of course, I can’t exactly wrap my head around why you’d want to engrave your devices with dirty words in the first place. Sure, I might have thought about it when I was younger, but these days I’d rather get a customized case – that I can change out at will – than to permanently mark any of my devices in a way that couldn’t be reversed. A quick look through the comments section gave me the answer I needed.

One commenter chimed in:

So that whilst they are still new and expensive if someone steals it and it has your name engraved in the back they can’t argue that they didn’t steal it from you.

Okay, so that covers “normal” engraving, but I know there’s a big chunk of the population that likes really customized stuff. And, the fact that most of us wouldn’t want to engrave a dirty word on the back of our devices, it’s pretty easy to see that this level of customization would make it impossible not to identify your iPad amongst a heap of all your friends’ iPads. (I’m just assuming all iPad owners team up and stack their iPads with their friends’ iPads – feel free to let me know if this isn’t actually the norm).

Blogger and self-described sex-positive-feminist tried to engrave the word “vagina” on hers – probably because she’s a “sex-positive-feminist”. I can see how it might be empowering to have this type of self-love on your iPad on a daily basis (one of the engravings Buzzfeed tried was “If you have a vagina, you’re awesome” – not accepted, sadly). But for me, it’s more about the curiosity – what would Apple let us get away with?

Sexism – Accepted

To be fair, I typed in “Sexism is rampant at Apple” for my first test. It took. At least Apple is willing to acknowledge their sexism – or maybe “sexism” is just not one of their flagged words. I’m inclined to think it’s the latter.

Bearded Clam – Accepted

My “bearded clam” experiment was largely based on my love of Family Guy, and while I’ve always understood what the term meant, I never really heard it outside of the occasional dirty joke on television. For those who were wondering, “bearded clam” was definitely accepted.

Beef Curtains – Accepted

I’m not a big fan of the term “beef curtains”, since it quite specifically references the labia – a part of the female anatomy that so many of us are insecure about. But rest assured – Apple accepts the term “beef curtains”, and anyone who doesn’t accept your beef curtains doesn’t deserve to see them.

Cum Dumpster – Accepted

Here’s another one of those that I’m not too keen on, due to the implications it holds. But I know there are a badge of women who pride themselves on reclaiming what could be a “filthy” label, and – guess what – Apple will let you add it to your iPad.

Twats – Accepted

I’m still pretty new to this word, too, if I’m being completely honest. I think my first experience with it was during the film “Easy A” (does anyone else have a giant crush on Emma Stone, or is that just me?), and since then I’ve been looking to find a way to incorporate it more into my daily life. Well, it’s nice to know that I can have it added to my iPad, should I ever buy one.

Cock Holster – Accepted

Okay, this one is a bit disheartening. I intentionally avoided using the word “Dick”, which they used in the Buzzfeed article, due to its multi-purposedness. But I find it incredibly hard to believe that people would use “cock” on their Apple devices with any mature reason. And, of course, I reject the notion of “cock holster” as a synonym for “vagina”, but it is one of the versions you can use, if you so choose.

Poonanny – Accepted

Maybe it’s because it’s not a “real” word, and in fact I’ve only ever known a small handful of people who use the word, but there’s no mistaking what it means, and Apple will let you engrave it on your iPad – no questions asked.

Vagina – Nope!

Okay, so I knew this one already, from reading the Buzzfeed article, but still… I had to try, to see if maybe there was something missing. But you definitely cannot engrave the word vagina onto your iPad – at least not directly through Apple.

Vag – Nope, not that either!

Just for the sake of argument, I removed the “-ina” off the end and tried submitting again – but that, too, was flagged. I love that they clearly highlight that the “bury my face” part was definitely not inappropriate.

Cunt – Guess again!

Here in the US, where I was born and bred, the word “cunt” is considered a much dirtier word than it is in other parts of the world. I really wasn’t expecting Apple to honor my request to add it… But I found something even more shocking! Not only did they not accept the word cunt, but apparently my little heart was also rejected. Bummer.

Pussy – Not happening

In the spirit of sex-positive-feminism (can I start calling myself that too?), I just had to try engraving “Pussy Power”. And, not that I’m surprised, but it wasn’t accepted. It’s such a shame, too, because as a cat lover and a vagina lover, I do think it’s my favorite euphemism of them all.

The Moral of the Story

The original Buzzfeed article asserted that Apple’s refusal to accept the word “vagina” was purely sexist in motivation, I’m fairly confident that’s not exactly what it is. I think all that’s in play here is a faulty algorithm that assumes the machines that are going to do the engraving have a delicate sensibility. For all we know, the machines could be sensitive about dirty words – but apparently not all dirty words.

Interested in doing your own check? Go to the Apple website and choose the product you want, then check the option to add free engraving. Don’t worry, you won’t have to buy a hundred iPads to run this little test – you don’t pay for anything until after all your customizations and everything have been confirmed.

If you check dirty words and find something absolutely filthy, that makes it through the algorithms, drop it in the comments! I want to know! (For purely scientific purposes, of course.)

The 9 Types Of Women To Avoid Hitting On At The Gay Bar

When we’re cruising for women at the gay bar, we may feel that everyone there is also cruising for women – and, similarly, that they’re a good choice to flirt with. Now, I’m all for taking on a challenge, but statistically speaking, there is definitely such a thing as “the woman you shouldn’t hit on”. Some of these women will destroy your self-esteem, some of them will destroy your image of gay bars, and some of them will just end up being absolutely nothing like you thought they would.

We’re here to try and save you from these women. Really, they’re probably bad news, even (or especially) if they seem like an “easy target”.

The Alpha

Unless you, too, are an alpha, alpha women are not usually a good choice for relationship material. They know what they want and they know what they’re capable of, and honestly they’re super sexy. But they know they’re super sexy, and they know that there’s probably something better out there – which will keep them from fully committing to you. Sure, there are probably exceptions. But unless you, too, are 100% confident in who you are and what you deserve, the alpha woman has the ability to completely destroy the way you think of yourself.

How do you know an alpha woman when you see her? Well, for starters, she’ll probably look (and act) like she’s out of your league – although she may treat you as if you’re a challenge to be conquered. This can feel amazing when it’s happening, but if you’re not ready to live up to her expectations, you might end up with a broken heart and a longing for the type of sex that no one else gave you before her – or since her.

The Scene Queen

This woman is on a quest to out-gay everyone else in the bar. She makes a point to be up on all the gay gossip, including outing people who aren’t ready to be out of the closet yet. She’ll also look and act a bit like an alpha, although it’s probably just an act – really, she doesn’t have the self-confidence to be a true Alpha, so she’s compromising by making everything about everyone else. Oh, and her reputation precedes her. Like, by a lot.

You’ll know her instantly when you see her, because she’ll remind you a bit of yourself right after you came out for the first time. She’s got a reputation to keep, after all, and she’s all about being the gayest she can possibly be. She wears flannel and snapbacks because “that’s what lesbians do”, not because they’re comfortable. She’s probably got a quirky hat that calls attention to how gay she really is, and the whole thing reeks of trying to fit in with the “cool kids”.

The Straight Girl

She can be hard to distinguish from the Scene Queen, because she, too, is trying to out-gay everyone (and everything) in the room. She may be surrounded by all of her gay friends, even if she just made them that very night. She’ll happily ask you all these intrusive questions about “what it’s like” to be a lesbian, but when you offer to “show” her, she’ll get really uncomfortable and leave – or, even worse, she’ll play along, just to leave you waiting for her as she sneaks out the back door.

How do you tell the difference between the straight girl and the Scene Queen? Don’t worry – the straight girl will tell you repeatedly that she’s just there for a good time, and that doesn’t include taking her panties off. But she’ll probably wait until after you’ve bought her a few (dozen) drinks. After all… She’s there to have a good time.

The Fall-Down Drunk

Definitely the easiest to spot, this woman is at the bar for one reason and one reason alone: She wants to get really, really drunk. She probably got started before she even left home, because she can’t afford to drink as many expensive drinks as she’d like, and getting a head start allows her to block out as many memories as she chooses. Sometimes, these women are already done before they even leave the house – in which case, we’d hope the bartender would be wise enough to cut them off, but that’s not always how it happens.

While she might seem like an “easy target”, it’s really, really important that you don’t try to go home with this girl. She may also fall in one of the other categories listed here, too. But the most important thing to remember is that she is way too drunk to give consent, or to remember what happened in the morning. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll puke on your shoes.

The Gold-Star Snob

The Gold-Star Snob knew she was gay from a very young age, and can’t wrap her head around the idea that someone else might take a little longer to come around. Someone who openly identifies as bisexual is completely out of the question – these women tend to be so biphobic that they may even (purposely) make the bisexuals in the room leave crying. What may be even worse is that they have no shame about verbally attacking the rest of the queer community, and pretend that they are the majority, which really isn’t the case.

Gold-Star Snobs will most likely only be surrounded by women who also identify as Gold Stars, whether snobbishly or not – and they tend to feel that man-hating is an inherent part of homosexuality, and that bisexuals are a “threat” to lesbians. They’re some of the worst perpetuators of the most negative stereotypes that are associated with the queer community and they have the audacity to blame everyone else. If you’re not sure if she’s a snob, just bring up any heteronormative movie. The GSS will gladly tell you what’s “wrong” with liking a movie that doesn’t have an all-queer storyline.

The Underage Girl

This is the woman who snuck into the gay bar without being old enough to do so, thereby putting the whole bar at risk of being shut down, because they haven’t mastered the level of self-control necessary to keep things legal. Not only is she (probably) drinking underage, but she may not even be the legal age of consent in y0ur region – which makes her particularly dangerous, especially if she falls into one of the other categories, as well.

She’s a bit harder to spot unless you happen to see her hand over that fake ID to the bartender or bouncer, and happen to recognize the not-government-issued backdrop it uses. Some fake IDs are better and harder to spot, though, and most likely the one with the obviously-fake ID won’t even be let in the front door. She’ll probably be up at the bar, ordering “whatever you recommend” from the bartender, or sending her not-underage friend to go order from her. Avoid her at all costs. She is dishonest and impulsive and may get you arrested.

The Loiterer

This woman is at the bar with absolutely no interest in getting drunk or getting laid. She’s just there for the music, and perhaps the second-hand smoke (if she’s recently quit smoking). And, while there really is nothing wrong with that, it’s most likely a waste of time for you to try hitting on her, as she’s not likely to be responsive to it. She’s honestly there only to have a good time – unlike the Straight Girl, who’s there to soak up as much of the queer culture as she possibly can without being “sucked into it”.

You can recognize this woman because she will be drinking nothing but water or soda, and probably dancing on the dancefloor all by herself. She may or may not be surrounded by friends in various stages of drunken behavior or shameless flirting, but when you try to hit on her, she’s going to turn you down with a simple “No thank you” and no further explanation.

The Taken

There are many ways to spot a woman who’s taken at the bar. If she’s sitting in the seat directly next to another woman (or a man – let’s be clear that this is also a possibility), she’s probably with that person. If she’s wearing a ring on her “engagement ring” finger, she’s probably taken. If she’s obviously a stud, and she’s holding a purse… Well… She’s probably taken.

Let’s be clear: Some women are in an open relationship, and they may be at the bar together trying to find someone to go home with both of them. But you should never assume this is the case. If it is the case, and she is interested in you, she’ll make the first move – she’s well aware of how terrible of an idea it is to hit on someone who’s quite obviously in a relationship. And, if she’s not interested in a threesome, her girlfriend might kick your ass if you try.

The Babysitter

She might not be gay. She might not be straight. She’s probably not drunk. She’ll be seen taking care of her definitely-drunk friends, and trying to prevent them from going into the ladies’ room with that total stranger. She can also be seen trying to diffuse the bar fights that happen when her fall-down-drunk friend is trying to hit on the woman who is obviously there with her girlfriend.

Let me clarify something about the Babysitter, though: She is an incredible woman to date. But tonight is not the night. She’s at the bar tonight because her friends drug her out, and she felt guilty about saying no, or maybe she feels responsible for them. Either way, she has other responsibilities tonight, and she’s not going to go home with you. She’ll be too busy making sure her friends get home safely and don’t choke on their own vomit (or someone else’s fist).

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The 6 Women You Should Avoid Dating Online

I’m a big advocate for online dating. In the age of technology, it can become addicting to know all the important information about someone before you make things “real” and “official”. Truthfully, in the queer community, it’s often easier to date online, especially if you’re not out in your local community. But, as expansive as the online dating pool is (and as much as we advocate not limiting yourself to a certain “type”), there are some women you should probably avoid if you want to keep your sanity intact. (And, it should go without saying, but… You should probably also avoid being one of these women.)

The woman who’s already in a relationship.


This should go without saying, but if a woman is in a “committed relationship” and she’s not totally committed to it, she’s really not good relationship material. In some cases, her significant other might know that she’s looking for someone else, and in these cases, you can proceed with caution. But if her current partner has no idea that she’s looking for someone new, run. Fast and far.

The gold-digger.


It should be pretty obvious that a woman who’s only after your money is to be avoided. But you might think you’re safe if you don’t have a lot of money yourself. Truthfully, there are women who will gladly suck dry the financial means of another, rather than make things happen on their own. If she has no job, and no desire to get a job, chances are she’s just looking for someone to support her. Run.

The snob.


There are so many different types of snobs. Some of them will look down on you if you come from a different background. Some will talk to you as if you’re a child. Some will make a point to tell you how much they’re not a snob, because, “look at me, dating you even though I’m better than you – so I can’t be a snob!” But these women are bad news. They’ve already decided that they are better than you, and will either date you out of pity or because they feel they have to be the “better” one in the relationship. Either way, they’re secretly not so great, and you’ll find that out pretty quick once you’ve started actually dating them.

The woman with her wedding planned out already.

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Okay, maybe this one is a bit of a generalization. I was engaged to the “big ex” before my current partner, and we actually got quite a ways into our wedding planning before I finally admitted that she was horrible to me. But this is not something that my current partner knew from the start. If you haven’t even met face to face yet, and she’s already talking about “your” wedding or starting a family together… Get out while you still can. She doesn’t want you. She wants to be a wife. (And she may also fall under the “gold digger” category.)

The proud self-proclaimed bitch.


This one is pretty obvious. The woman who makes a point to let you know that she doesn’t care if she hurts your feelings, is never going to care if she hurts your feelings. You can’t magically fix her. You can’t make her stop being who she is. She can’t make you magically be less sensitive. If she hurts your feelings right away and doesn’t even seem to care, let her go – you can thank me later.

The curious woman.


Let me be clear: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious. Most of us identified as curious before we identified as bisexual or lesbians. There is nothing wrong with experimenting with your sexuality. But a relationship should not be an experiment, and if you’re dating a woman who doesn’t know if she likes women – and expecting something serious to come of it – you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment. I’m not saying she’s necessarily straight. But she might be.

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10 Reminders for Every Woman Who Doesn’t Think She’s Perfect

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in our recent history, self-esteem became this taboo thing for women. When we’re given a compliment, the “polite” thing to do is to reject the notion, and to assume that the other person is just being polite. With as much as the media has taken over our lives, it can get really hard to not think that someone else is more attractive than you.

Unfortunately for some of us, it’s not always just the media that does it to us. We do it to ourselves, or maybe we’ve had someone in our lives who did it to us. We end up turning to the people who are close to us, and seek their validation – even though we’ll just reject it and replace it with our own, anyway. It really doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I know I’m not the only person who does this.

And yet, when we’re trying to be that person for our friends and loved ones, it comes so much easier. “You’re just as pretty as she is,” we’ll tell them. “You’re smart and funny, too – you’re the whole package!” These are the same things they’ll tell us one day, but we can’t accept that they mean it… Even though we mean it when we say it. You just don’t go lying to your besties, after all.

So why do we like to lie to ourselves so much? How come it’s so hard to think positive things about ourselves, and tell ourselves the things we need to hear?

Personally, I’m in the middle of some life-changing revolutions right now, and one of the biggest is trying to realign my positivity (something we all could benefit from, to be honest). Here are some affirmations for those days when you feel less than your best. Consciousness creates reality, after all, so the more you believe these things are true, the truer they’ll be for you. Give it a try!

1. Beauty is subjective.

Just because one person doesn’t see beauty doesn’t mean no one sees the beauty. No matter how you feel about yourself, there is someone out there who thinks you’re absolutely gorgeous. In fact, there are probably more people who find you attractive than you think!

2. It doesn’t matter how many people think you’re beautiful.

What matters is how you see yourself. Women who are “conventionally attractive” can feel that they’re not beautiful, too – and no matter how many people tell them otherwise, they still won’t believe it until they can see it, too.

3. Beauty is a choice.

No matter what mistakes you’ve made in life, your true beauty comes from within. Your external beauty may change over time, but that doesn’t make your true beauty fade – it just changes, and sometimes new is good. If you choose to be beautiful, you are beautiful.

4. Beauty is eternal.

While choosing to feel beautiful is a daily occurrence, that doesn’t mean that your beauty isn’t there on the days you don’t feel it. It just means that it’s hiding. Once you’re ready to embrace your beauty again, it’ll still be there – true beauty never fades.

5. Happiness is beautiful.

If you are living a life that you love, bringing joy and happiness to yourself and others, you are beautiful – inside and out. Even on the days it’s hard to smile, focusing on the positive side of things will infuse a little more beauty into your everyday life.

6. Positivity is the key.

Part of my current revolution involves focusing on the positives in my life, and once you do that, you really do become unstoppable. We might find it easier to focus on the one thing we dislike about ourselves, rather than the ten things we love about ourselves, but if we allow the positive things to have a voice, they will soon become loud enough to drown out the negativity.

7. Beauty has no specifics.

Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with fashion, or makeup, or any definitions you’ll find. True beauty is a reflection of our innermost thoughts, and can’t be assigned a specific label. If you feel beautiful, you are beautiful.

8. Accept compliments – and give them freely.

If someone compliments you on something they love about you, take the compliment! When did it get so wrong to let ourselves feel good about ourselves? It doesn’t have to be a comment about your appearance, either – and, in fact, you should do your best to give compliments based on “deeper things”, like someone’s character, their diligence, and their sense of humor. These things are beautiful, too.

9. Do what makes you feel beautiful.

If new clothes make you feel beautiful, treat yourself! If a walk in the open air brings beauty and joy into your life, do that. For me, it’s my writing – being able to put words onto a page gives meaning to my day. Think of what makes you feel beauty, and make an effort to do more of that.

10. Don’t worry about other people.

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s idea of beautiful, you’re never going to feel beautiful. Instead, focus on what you think is valuable, and live a life that shines. You are a glorious human being and no one can tell you otherwise. Now, get out there and be beautiful!

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A Queer Woman’s Bucket List

I think I might be a list addict.

I’m constantly making lists of everything in my life. Most recently, I started thinking about all the queer rites-of-passage that I still have yet to experience, as well as all those that I have had the pleasure of doing.

How many of these bucket list items have you done?

1. Travel to San Francisco, at least once (extra credit if it’s during Pride).

I was fortunate enough to be invited along with some friends going to San Francisco Pride a few years ago, and it truly is a magical experience. I have yet to experience Pride in any other big cities, so I’m definitely open to checking out some of the greats – but San Francisco Pride is definitely a magical celebration that’s not soon to be forgotten.


2. Go to a Pride parade.

If you don’t have the benefit of being a couple hours away from San Francisco (like I am), really, any big city Pride parades are magical, from what I’ve heard. Just do your best to make sure you’re in a gay-friendly area, as unfortunately people aren’t so great, and horrible things can happen. Make sure you’re safe!


3. Make a close group of lesbian friends.

I honestly wish I had more lesbian friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have a few, but most of them have dated one another, so it’s pretty awkward… Seeing as that’s how I met them. It would be so nice to have a group of lesbians to hang out with who didn’t hate each other’s guts, but I guess I’ll settle for Facebook friends… for now.


4. Switch up your wardrobe.

People catch a lot of shade for changing up their style every now and then, but it’s not our natural instinct to stay the same our whole lives. Not too long ago, my “default style” was baggy t-shirts and those horrible pants with all the chains all over them. Now I can’t even stand the idea of either of those things… I’d much rather wear a flowy dress and a tank top. It’s completely normal to switch up your style, and don’t let anyone ever tell you that “going through a phase” is a bad thing. You’ve got to change to figure out who you really are, and who you like being.


5. Drastically change your hair.

For the longest time, I refused to cut my hair. When I was in 7th grade, it actually went down to the back of my knees – it had been probably seven years since I got more than a trim. Now I can’t stand my hair staying the same for so long. I love to dye it, cut it, experiment with colors and textures. And why not? Your hair is literally made of the same stuff as your fingernails. If you paint or cut your nails, there’s no logical reason you can’t do the same to your hair – so enjoy some creative expression!


6. Read some queer literature.

I’m not talking about just steamy erotica novels (although those are sometimes a good read, too). Find some “serious” literature, either by a queer author or about queer subjects, and read the hell out of it! There’s so much out there, and you might have to do a little digging to find it, but the right book can help make up for a little of the bad representation we see in other forms of entertainment. (Here’s a handy list of some queer books you can start with.)


7. Start over in a new city.

Okay, I’ll admit… I kinda do this one a lot. I don’t like feeling like I “have to” stay somewhere, so I’ll move pretty much any time I have the opportunity to. After we recently moved back to the town I grew up in (where my girlfriend had never lived before), we started talking about where we’re going to live next – because one single place is never in my long-term plans. It’s super refreshing to start over somewhere fresh… And there’s no harm in moving back “home” if things don’t work out.

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8. Become an active member of the queer community, in a way that makes sense for you.

Not everyone is meant to be an activist or a politician or a performer, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stay a silent part of the community. There’s literally something for everyone – my activity of choice is writing, as I’m sure you can tell. The important thing is that you find your thing and do the best job at it you can. The queer community is counting on you!


9. Have a serious, live-in girlfriend.

Even those who have all but sworn off love will, at some point, end up with a serious girlfriend. Now, there are two main reactions the first time this happens: Some people realize that it’s definitely not for them, and they keep things casual from then on out… Until someone comes along and changes their mind (again) and the cycle starts all over. Others wonder why they didn’t do it sooner, and end up having serious relationships with a good portion of their subsequent girlfriends. Neither one of these is “right” or “wrong”, but you have to at least try it.


10. Get over your insecurities.

Most people are insecure about something, and while there are often “triggers” for these insecurities, it’s up to each person to work them out and move past them. This means that if you’re worried about your weight, do something about it! (And if you’re already exercising and eating well and you’re still bigger, don’t worry about the specific numbers – your health is more important.) If you’re worried about your job, work toward getting a better one. If you can’t bring yourself to ask a woman out, practice until you can do it. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, but there is something wrong with complaining about something you’re not trying to fix.


11. Come to terms with rejection.

Almost everyone has been rejected before – either by a crush, a potential employer, or maybe even by a parent (although I hope that’s not the case for most). We, as humans, tend to focus too much on what that rejection says about us, but in most cases it’s more of a reflection of the other person. You are always free to use this rejection as motivation to improve yourself, but take care not to change who you are as a person.


12. Come out of the closet.

If you haven’t come out yet, you should. Not because the world deserves to know your personal details, but because you deserve to live out in the open. Understandably, there are certain situations where coming out would be dangerous and unsafe, and of course I don’t recommend that you out yourself in those situations – but it’s my hope for each and every one of you that you can one day be 100% honest about who you are. And remember, there are different types of closets.


13. Have a good straight friend.

I’ve actually been blessed in this department – I probably have more straight friends than I have lesbian friends. (Although some of my “straight” friends have recently come out as bisexual and pansexual, so I’m not sure where the division really lands now.) But as important as it is to have friends who understand what it’s like to be gay, it’s also important not to alienate those who don’t know what it’s like to be gay. If you’re just collecting queer friends and passing over all the gems that aren’t queer, you’re really missing out on some great friendship opportunities.


14. Date a bisexual woman.

I know there are a lot of bisexuals who don’t want to be treated as a token, so rest assured – that’s not what I mean here. I simply mean that you should be open to the idea of dating a bisexual woman. There is a tremendous amount of biphobia in the lesbian community, and in most cases, it’s completely unfounded. If you’re completely closed to the idea of dating a bisexual woman, you are discriminating – pure and simple. It’s okay to have preferences, but it’s not okay to make someone else feel inferior if they don’t fit into your “type”.


15. Learn how to gracefully say “no” – without feeling guilty about it.

I’m so bad about trying to appease people. I know, you can’t please everyone, but I’d break my back trying before I’d admit that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. As much as I tell myself that the only approval that matters is my own, I’m still struggling to say no without feeling bad afterward. It’s an important milestone I still have yet to cross.


16. Date someone who’s not your type.

Maybe the person who’s “not your type” is the bisexual woman from #14. Or, maybe she’s not. There are no rules, here, except that you’ve got to break your own rules every now and then. Let me repeat it for those in the back row: It’s okay to have preferences. But if you’re limiting your options, you’re limiting your options. Be open to new things!


17. Purge all the drama from your life.

Most of us hate dealing with drama. Or, at least we say we do. But realistically, if there’s a lot of drama in your life on a regular basis, you’re welcoming it in. If you really want to live drama-free, you’ve got to take a stand and get rid of the drama. Negative friends, people who refuse to improve their lives, and those who are always focused on someone else’s business aren’t right for you. Part of being an adult is recognizing it and putting an end to it.


18. Get over your first love.

I’m sure there are some people reading who are actually still with their first love, and while I’m so happy for you, statistically speaking, it probably isn’t going to last the rest of your life – and that’s okay. The pain from losing your first love is very real, and as much as it hurts, you will be a million times stronger once you get past it. You’ll be smarter, too, and you’ll be able to treat your second love that much better.


19. Evaluate your safer sex methods and diligence.

There are so many lesbians who feel that they don’t need to practice safer sex because we fall in a so-called “low risk” demographic. As nice of a thought as that is, it’s simply not true. Lesbians are at risk for a number of STDs that don’t even have recognizable symptoms in women. No matter how solid your methods seem, it’s important to get tested regularly, and get educated on same-sex sexual health (especially since it’s so rarely taught in schools).


20. Date someone with a significant age difference.

If you date someone much older than you, you get the chance to benefit from your partner’s wisdom and experience. If you date someone significantly younger, you get the chance to give your partner the benefit of your wisdom and experience. While you probably shouldn’t choose someone solely based on their age, we feel that everyone should experience an age-gap relationship at least once in their life.


21. Go to a queer concert.

Okay, I’ll admit: I’ve never gone to an out queer artist’s concert. I feel like I’m slacking, both as a lesbian and as a music lover. But I did attend a Joan Jett concert a couple years back, and she’s a pretty solid lesbian icon, even if she doesn’t identify as a lesbian herself. Once I have the money, I plan to do a little mini-tour of my own, and hit up the concerts of some of the greats. (Feel free to suggest some great queer artists for me in the comments – I’m always looking for new music inspiration!)


22. Use a dating app – and score a date.

Honestly, even with the state of technology being what it is now, there are still so many unnecessary stereotypes about using dating apps. It seems pretty silly, actually – I mean, here is this app that was literally designed because of people who struggled in the dating scene. Most lesbians struggle in the dating scene. So why do we judge each other for using something that was designed to fix that exact problem? And if you’re doing things safely and respectfully, it’s no different than meeting someone through friends, except that you know all the big deal breakers ahead of time.


23. Stop slut- and prude-shaming, both yourself and others.

It’s okay to enjoy sex. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. People realistically fall in all different areas of the spectrum, and it’s extremely unlikely that you’re even going to find someone who’s into all the same stuff you’re into. Why, then, do we assume that everyone else should feel exactly the same way that we do about sex?

The subject of shaming goes even further, though, because it uses misogynistic beliefs and hurtful language to assume things about a person’s identity – things that are, by definition, different from person to person and often unpredictable based on the qualifiers we use. From a logical standpoint, slut- and prude-shaming make zero sense – it’s time to put an end to both.


24. Become completely honest with yourself, about everything.

Life is about balance, and while most of us understand this, we forget to include ourselves in the equation – meaning no matter how balanced things appear, they’re missing a huge chunk. According to Hal Elrod (author of The Miracle Morning), “Creating your ‘level 10 life’ begins with creating an honest assessment of where you are.” Basically, this means that you have to be honest about every aspect of your life, at least to yourself, otherwise you literally cannot actually be happy. (My current favorite blogger has a great post about the Level 10 Life concept – and I’ve actually got “map out my level 10 life” on my to-do list for tonight.)


25. Learn to drive a U-haul and a pickup truck.

Okay, maybe I’m playing to lesbian stereotypes a little bit here, but as someone who’s going to be turning 26 years old and still can’t drive a car without having a panic attack, this is actually a pretty big goal for me. Hopefully I can cross this one off before I turn 30.)


26. Redecorate your room, so you can tell a real grown-up lives there.

If you’re over the age of 25 and your bedroom still looks pretty similar to how it looked when you were a teenager… It’s time to start thinking like an adult. Truthfully, there’s some wiggle room here – you’re definitely allowed to be a whimsical adult. But by age 30, you need real furniture, matching bed sets, and curtains – not to mention the ability to keep up on your laundry. Trust me, if you make sure your bedroom looks like an adult lives there, you’re going to feel a lot more like an adult, too.


27. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Often we feel guilty about the mistakes we’ve made in the past, especially if our actions hurt someone else. But feeling remorse about something is your mind’s way of telling you that you learned your lesson – and it’s time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. The person you hurt has no obligation to forgive you, but you do have an obligation to forgive yourself.

Of course, this won’t happen until you’ve reached a point in your life where you have learned from your mistakes. While you’re still learning, you’re going to be frustrated, tempted, and a great deal of other painful feelings. You can’t move past your mistakes simply because someone else wants you to. You have to move on because you’re ready to, and often this will involve creating a completely new life without the person (or people) you hurt.


Lesbian Dilemmas: Choosing A Friend After A Break Up (Video)

When your friends break up, do you have to choose?

Yes, and no. Well, yes, because you know it will just get super awkward.

You become that on connection – the ex connection, the mutual friend who knows way too much, yet has to remain completely mutual through every drama, argument and new girlfriend.

Its tough…

Why My First (And Probably Best) Relationship Was with My Childhood Dog

I’ve had pets for as long as I can remember. When I was 7, I was that “creepy girl” who brought their snake to show-and-tell (as well as a mouse because… Well, 7-year-olds are supposed to like that sort of thing, right?). This was probably the first time I realized I was a little different than the other girls… Only a few boys stuck around to witness me feeding the snake, and all the girls ran away squealing.

I had a few birds, too, which seems weird looking back since I don’t like birds so much now. We had cats, fish, more snakes, dogs, and even a cow. (Although, to be fair, the cow was kept at someone else’s house – for some reason, my parents wouldn’t let me bring it to my little corner of suburbia. Something about how it wouldn’t fit through the dog door.)

With all these pets, there’s one who stuck out above the rest: A dog named Oren.

My mom was a pizza delivery driver at the time, and Oren was a “tip” from one of her customers. (As strange as that already is, it’s not even the weirdest tip she ever got.) This dog was everything that you hope for with a pet dog. He listened to everything he was told, even if we hadn’t implicitly taught him the command yet.

When I slept, he was right by my feet. When I went trick-or-treating, he’d walk me up to the door and wait patiently for me to get my candy before leading me to the next house. When I walked to the store (just a few blocks away in the small town I lived), he’d make sure no one hassled me along the way, and he’d wait right outside the door until I was ready to walk home.

He was one of my best friends… Not that I had too many friends because of the aforementioned “let’s bring a snake to show and tell” fiasco. He taught me what to expect from someone who cared about me – and as strange as it seems to say it like that, there are actually a lot of similarities between a good dog and a good partner.

He was truly loyal.

He loved going for car rides, but he wouldn’t get in someone else’s car. Only ours. He was nice to everyone, but he reserved his extra attention for us. If anyone even threatened to mess with me, my brother, or the house, he turned into the meanest dog you’d ever seen – but once they were off the property, his job was done, and he’d sit. When someone who wasn’t supposed to be at the house would come, he’d chase them as far as the gate – and then sit.

We never had to close the gate, because he understood who fed him and who took care of him, and we never had to wonder where he would be.

He was helpful.

On grocery day, he’d hold the door open for us by sitting in front of it. If I brought rocks in the house (something I always did, despite being told numerous times that I shouldn’t), he’d take them back outside for me before I forgot. If I tried to sneak any random animals in the house (usually garden snakes or frogs), he’d block the door until I put the critter down.

He was fun.

I’ve had a lot of dogs who were afraid of trampolines, but Oren wasn’t one of them. If I was on the trampoline, he was on the trampoline – having at least twice as much fun as I did. I’m pretty sure we even napped out on the trampoline a few times. My brother and I were His People, and if we needed anything, he was right there – even if what we needed was just a friend.

He was gorgeous, in his own way.

He wasn’t the most “conventionally attractive” dog – just some random mutt with a “muddy” color pattern – but that didn’t stop him from being one of the most beautiful dogs I’ve ever owned. Maybe it was just because of how amazing he was in every other way, but his long, silky, mottled coat was something almost mesmerizing.

He cleaned up after himself.

I’ve been trying to teach my puppy to clean up her own toys like Oren did, but so far it’s not working out so well. Oren didn’t have as many toys, but he kept him together. (After spending the last several days taking care of my nieces and nephews in addition to my puppy, I’m really starting to miss having something that kept up on its own mess.) He never had any accidents in the house, he never left treat crumbs all over the floor, and he certainly never left his tennis balls in the middle of the walkway.

He cleaned up after me.

If I left my toys all over the place, he’d nudge them out of the walkway so that I didn’t get in trouble for it. If I dropped some food on the floor (as eight-year-olds are likely to do) he’d clean that up, too – but only after he was told he could. He even made sure I got in the shower when I was told to, by badgering me until I did. Hey, don’t pretend you don’t need someone to push you to take a shower sometimes.

He gave me gifts.

He knew I liked rocks, so he would leave some pretty ones near my playset on the front porch. He knew I liked frogs, so he’d dig them up for me – and then make sure I didn’t take them in the house. He even helped to deliver some gifts bought by my parents – without messing up the wrapping. “Take this to Barbara,” they’d say, and he would.

He was forgiving.

I remember one summer day, he napped in the shade of my brother’s truck, instead of the truck bed. My brother had been in a hurry and forgot to check under the truck before pulling out, and Oren got hurt. (Thankfully, only his tail was run over, so there was a little kink in it, but no serious injuries.) The very same day, Oren cuddled with my brother at bedtime – to let him know that he wasn’t mad about being run over. Of course, the guilt of this was enough that my brother made sure to check after that – and Oren slept in the shade of the trampoline from then on.

He understood “no”.

I think in “real” relationships, there’s this assumption that “no” means “maybe” – but it doesn’t. Dogs understand that, and yet it seems like such a complicated concept for so many humans. Not only does no mean no, but only yes means yes – and Oren understood that. If it wasn’t his, he waited until he was told he could touch it. If he didn’t get an answer, that was a no. If he was told “yes” by someone who wasn’t part of our family, that was a no. If the person who told him “yes” wasn’t the person who owned that particular item, that was a no. And if there was no room on the couch, he’d never squeeze himself in – sometimes, the “no” is implied.

He could be trusted.

Aside from being able to leave the gate open, or being able to leave my toys out without worrying about him snatching them up, we could also leave food out while we went to the bathroom or something, and we’d know that it would be perfectly safe when we came back out. Food was only his if it was given to him. Toys were only his if they were given to him. And if he was told not to do something, he wouldn’t have to be told a second time.

He was protective.

If he didn’t recognize someone who came by (and they weren’t accompanied by someone he did know), he would do what it took to make sure they weren’t trying to peek into the house. At some point, someone actually shot him over this – we never did find out who – but he took his responsibilities very seriously. When I’d walk to the store, he’d check in on me periodically, by looking through the door. Once, he came just inside the door because I had gotten out of his sight, but once he had confirmed that I was still okay, he went right back outside where he was supposed to be.

He became the reference I would compare all future dogs to.

It’s not very common that you get a “perfect” dog without even trying, and maybe he set my expectations a little high – but even though he wasn’t my first dog, he’s the first dog who made a difference in my life. Truthfully, though, these aren’t just qualities you want in a dog – they’re great qualities for your partner, too.

While it sounds a bit weird to be comparing a dog to a girlfriend, realistically, you should be looking for someone who has all these qualities… And we should all strive to be this type of person, too. There’s a reason why so many of us feel so close to our pets. They offer us everything that we wish we could find in a human. Believe me – it’s not that hard to be a good person. Just try to be a little more like a dog.

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6 things I’ve Learned About Relationships by Megan Luscombe

1. Debates, arguments, bickers and disagreements aren’t always a ‘bad thing’

Most people believe any sign of discomfort such as a disagreement or argument equals a doomed relationship.

We all know that no two people are the same, nor are they going to always share the same opinion or views. Conflict is bound to come up to the surface after you’ve spent enough time with someone; it’s how relationships are.

Arguments, debates, bickering etc becomes an issue when things spiral out of control and become violent, aggressive, destructive and emotionally manipulative.

Once a couple learns to have effective disagreements/arguments they can see and feel more satisfied with the outcomes. They then understand that whilst arguments and disagreements are unpleasant experiences to have, that if their effectively worked through the growth can be beneficial for the development of the individuals and overall relationship.

2. Each individual within the relationship has a responsibility to understand their own perceptions/misconceptions and issues

The stubborn individuals (like me) might find this requires a tad more effort than others.

There may be certain occasions when we are upset/hurt by something our partner has said, this is due to how we have heard it or perceived it have been delivered. Many individuals in moments like these instead of questioning the comment will remain closed lipped, and left feeling hurt.

If we are left feeling hurt or offended by our partner’s words it is our responsibility to understand why.

Are we upset because what they said has truth to it? Are we upset because we don’t like being wrong? Are we upset because our partner is right? Are we upset because our partner has called us out on something that makes us uncomfortable?

If you honestly believe your partner has said something to INTENTIONALLY HURT YOUR FEELINGS than that’s a RED FLAG because intentional malicious words are not healthy in any form of relationship. Ever.

Take the time to follow up questions that have hurt your feelings or perhaps ‘rubbed you the wrong way’ with a sentence like ‘when you said that did you mean this…because that’s how I heard it’. This way you are clarifying the situation before it blows into something unnecessary.

3. A relationship requires continuous support, dedication, effort and prioritisation from both individuals in order to survive –

There are TWO people in a relationship, which means both need to bring their ‘A game’ to the table. A relationship will become boring, stale or routine when both parties allow it (harsh truth). I have heard the following comments from couples:

We used to go on date nights all the time

We just don’t have the time anymore to do things together

We’re becoming two different people, I’ve lost the spark

I don’t even remember what we used to be like anymore, I only remember it was fun

I’d like to laugh with them again

People become lazy, distracted or unfocused and this is why relationships can become repetitive, stale and uninteresting. Instead of looking at what’s right in front of them, their eyes and minds focus on work, children, bills and other things.

Whilst I understand that certain things require priority and even immediate attention (such as raising children, paying bills etc) it is equally as important to ensure that your relationship receives the SAME LEVEL OF PRIORITY.

I understand it can be hard to juggle many things at a time but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Couples owe it to themselves to ensure that they are prioritising their partner and relationship.

  • Schedule in date nights, just because they’re planned doesn’t mean they’re not romantic
  • Order take out, rent a movie and sit on the couch together for a cuddle.
  • Cook for each other
  • Demonstrate your love for each other in ways you know the other person would appreciate it. Maybe a back rub? Maybe tell your partner how much you appreciate them in the morning before they go to work? Why not run a bath for your partner while you put the clothes on the line? All of these demonstrate that your partner and relationship is a priority for you.

4. Independence and individualism are healthy

A healthy relationship has two individuals in it that are allowed their own ‘me’ time. Living out of each other’s back pockets can have a negative impact on the relationship. It’s great to have time where you can do things you like that maybe your partner doesn’t enjoy as much. That way when you both reconvene afterwards and have something fun and interesting to talk about!

Maybe your partner wants to go away for a weekend with their family or best friends? Fantastic! Looks like you get to do what you want that weekend and when they’re home Sunday night why not grab dinner together and have a chat about your weekends?

Maybe you want to go for a coffee with friends while your partner stays home? Great! Looks like they get to catch up on those TV series that you don’t watch and relish in their own ‘me time’.

If you’re wanting to spend every moment with your s/o, that’s completely fine and up to you! However, a relationship that exists on top solid foundation can certainly allow for ‘me time’ as opposed to ‘us time’. Don’t ever feel guilty about it!

5. The person you’re dating you should actually LIKE

If you’d never dated and still know that you’d want to be friends with them, you’re most certainly onto a winner!

Relationships work well and thrive best when the two individuals have a great friendship built on trust and mutual respect.

6. Trust, Transparency and Honesty –

Can’t leave your phone around your partner? Worried they’re reading your text messages whilst you’re in the shower? Scared to tell your partner how you’re really feeling about something because of how they’ll react?

These might sound funny or trivial to you but they’re real scenarios I’ve heard from many couples over the past 6 months.

They are each in their own right RED FLAGS in a relationship. Unless you are being secretive because you’re planning a surprise holiday, birthday, proposal or anniversary celebration nothing in your relationship should require secrecy.

Also, if something has bothered you in your relationship you should be able to talk about it and bring that issue up (if you want to or you believe it’s worth a discussion)


Reasons You Should Date an Older Woman

Every lesbian should date an older woman, at least once in her life. Why you ask? Let me fill you in on the secret advantages of dating an older lesbian.

They are independent – Older women are often less clingy and needy. They don’t need a woman by their side all the time to be happy. This makes them easier to get along and much more fun.

Less drama – Maybe it is because younger women experience so many first’s in their relationships, their life is full of drama. It’s kind of hard not to get sucked in sometimes. Older women don’t amplify the small things. They can handle their problems real well and often all alone.

No pressure – An older woman is not at that age where all her friends are setting down. Getting married and raising cats is not at the forefront of her mind. She does not have the need to find Ms. Right now.

They know their way around the bedroom – She has more experience in the bedroom affairs than your average twenty year old. Can any lady say no to a woman who knows exactly how to please her?

Confidence – Older women ooze confidence. Whether it is approaching you or the way they present themselves. The confidence is there. This is a welcome trait considering the many shy girls who have a problem replying to a simple hello.

They teach you a lot – Every lady wants to be with a woman who is not only mysterious but one she can learn something from. Older women will keep you coming back for more as they have lots to share with you. An older woman will impress and surprise you for quite a long time.



5 Ways To Tell if Your Relationship is starting to hit the Rocks

So, you have had the honeymoon period of lust and heavy petting; and now you’ve fallen into a comfortable pattern, which might be short on the fireworks of the first year, but provides a stability and intimacy that feels great. But, if that comfortable groove has started to feel more like drooping-rut it might be time to take a hard look at your relationship and see if it’s likely to stand the test of time.

Here are 5 Ways To Tell if Your Relationship is starting to hit the Rocks

  1. Communication Breakdown – If you come home from work, put the television on and don’t speak to each other beyond the occasional “pass the TV control”, you’re in trouble. Communication is the key to every relationship. Without it minor issues can flare up into fights and you’ll both end up feeling unloved, resentful and indifferent. If you don’t want to talk to each other about how your day was; chat and laugh together anymore, it’s a clear sign that you’re losing interest.
  2. You rarely have sex – Once the initial excitement of a new relationship has worn off you will naturally have less sex (which is not a bad thing). However is still important to have a strong desire for your partner, and regular sex will make for a healthy, functioning relationship. It may just be that your sex life has got a little bit routine and injecting some zest with a little bit of experimentation could put things back on an even keel, but if you still aren’t feeling it, it’s probably time to wave goodbye.
  3. You imagine life without your partner – If you find yourself constantly having day-dreams that fail to feature your partner, it’s time to ask yourself some questions. You might long for a home free of their clutter and chat, or fantasise about a date with that hot new colleague, or wish you could just take a holiday alone: whatever it is, you’ve started to emotionally detach.
  4. You pick fights – Relationships require empathy, compassion and compromise to keep going. So, if you find your partner irritating and can’t resist constantly picking them up on their habits then the writing is on the wall and maybe it’s time make some changes.
  5. You forget about the little things – Whilst big gestures are thrilling and romantic they don’t help maintain a relationship on a day-to-day level. It’s actually the simple things such as bringing your partner a cup of tea in bed that nurture a relationship. If you’ve forgotten about those little things and rarely think to do anything for your partner, from offering them a cuppa to giving them a cuddle, then it’s time to forget about the whole thing and move on.