Tag Archives: Safe Sex

What Happens When Your Girlfriend Wants Sex Less Than You Do

What do you do when there’s a significant difference between your sex drive and your partner’s?

I have a long history of sexually incompatible partners. Not necessarily that I didn’t want to be compatible with them – I definitely did! But there were always issues, such as my wanting sex more than they did, or them wanting sex more than I did – or them wanting sex more with someone else. (That one’s always painful.)

In my current relationship, our biggest disagreement – always – is that I can’t bring myself to want sex as often as she’d like to give it to me. All in all, this isn’t a bad problem to have, really, and it sure beats the problem I had with my ex (who only wanted to have sex about once a month… Well, with me at least).

Even worse is that it’s not even that I don’t want to have sex with her. She’s the best I’ve ever had, by far. I just have so much stress from everything going on in my life that it can be hard to unwind.

From my experience on both sides of the spectrum, I can provide some insight into the complicated situations that arise when your sex drive doesn’t really match up with your lover’s – and offer some tips that may help to fix the problem.

Be patient, Sexaholic.

Sometimes your partner won’t want to get down to business – and in some cases there’s really nothing you can do but wait. While sex is a wonderful stress reliever, that definitely doesn’t guarantee that she’ll be able to unwind enough to get into the mood. And, as I’m sure you probably know – sex when you’re not aroused can be incredibly painful.

Make sure to get her warmed up first.

This is probably my biggest tip, one that will get you the furthest – turn her on before you try to play! It should be self-explanatory, but sometimes when one partner is accidentally doing something that the other partner feels is “seductive”, it can create tension. This tension makes it even more difficult for the less-driven partner to get in the mood.

Try giving her a massage.

In addition to having an extremely calming effect (which can make it easier to arouse her), many women are actually aroused by receiving a massage in the first place. I know I can be – although occasionally, if I’m not in the mood, I just get ticklish. It’s a turn-on for some people, but not for me.

Try sexting.

I have a confession: Sexting is my guilty pleasure. Getting a well-crafted dirty text message when I’m not able to follow through with it is a tease – which is incredibly sexy to many women. Obviously, don’t get her in trouble if she’s working or if she shares a phone with a family member, because that can just cause more stress. Also, make sure you don’t start off too dirty – the goal is to tease her until she’s begging for it when she gets home.

Try spicing things up.

Fact: Every woman has some type of kink or fantasy. Some women may not be so inclined to share them with you, but there is definitely something that gets her juices flowing and her thoughts rolling into the gutter. The trick is to find this secret fantasy and exploit it for your sexual benefit.

Consider telling her “no” sometimes.

This sort of goes hand in hand with the sexting tip. You always want it more when you can’t have it, therefore it might be that all it takes to get her in the mood is to tell her she can’t have it every now and then.

Obviously if you shoot her down every time, she’ll eventually stop trying, but playing with the control of the tease can have a wonderful effect on the sex drive of both parties. Just think of how much more you want it every time she’s not in the mood. It’s reverse psychology 101!

Never, ever force the issue.

Believe it or not, sexual abuse is a real issue, even in committed lesbian relationships. While we may feel that we “deserve” our partner’s body whenever we decide, that’s simply not true. Consent needs to be given on a case-by-case basis or you run the risk of traumatizing your partner and making them even less likely to submit to your sex drive in the future.

On the same note, there’s the idea of “taking your business elsewhere”. There’s this idea that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous – and to some extent, I agree. However, the people who make those arguments based on our baser animal instincts forget one simple fact: The majority of “monogamous” animals are different than the majority of “monogamous” humans. Animals that mate for life actually do mate for life – never having another partner.

However, when humans use the term “monogamy”, it’s referencing “from this point forward”. Very few people actually have the same romantic partner for their entire life – but a far greater number of people have one exclusive romantic partner at a time.

If you and your partner do have an open relationship, this can be a grey area – obviously if you’re allowed to sleep with other people

My advice doesn’t really pertain to you as much, but you should still consult with her before you go looking for someone else to fill your needs. Just because you have a relationship free from jealousy doesn’t mean you have the right to go sneaking about.

For the partner who isn’t in the mood, you have tasks to do, too.

First of all, you shouldn’t simply shut your partner down if they’re in the mood and you’re not. If at all possible, try to explain to your partner why you’re not susceptible to arousal at that time – whether you’re in pain, you’re exhausted from work, you have too much stress on your mind, et cetera.

If you tell your partner what’s going on that’s keeping you in your clothes, she might be able to address the issue. Even if she isn’t, it’s a safe bet that she’ll allow you to vent to her, possibly in order to cash in the “brownie points” later. Let her!

At least try to get in the mood.

This one can be tough sometimes, especially if the issue that’s hindering your libido is something like tiredness or physical pain. But if you don’t have a truly legitimate excuse to deny your partner, you should at least be giving her some pointers to get the ball rolling, and try to be receptive to her attempts. It won’t always work, but as Wayne Gretzky once said – “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

Try to compromise.

If you don’t want sex because you’re too tired or you have too much work to do, consider “compromising” with your partner and telling her that you’ll give it up the next day – and then do your best to follow through on this promise.

If you don’t want to receive sex, but you’d be willing to give it to your partner – let her know this! I know some women get more satisfaction from giving than they do from receiving, but for any woman who consents to having it both ways – some pleasure is better than no pleasure.

Don’t intentionally turn her on unless you’re willing to give her some.

I understand that sometimes we can unintentionally cause a great deal of frustration to our partners, through no direct fault of our own. Maybe you were wearing the yoga pants and sports bra you love because they’re comfortable, but your girlfriend loves them because of the exposed skin and tight fit – try to be courteous of these “mismatched needs” when you can.

This is an entirely different story than intentionally causing your partner frustration, though – take it from personal experience. My ex had “this look” that she used to give me to signal that she wanted to get lucky – and then at some point she started giving that look to me randomly, and then wondering why I’d want to stop what I was doing and make love to her.

From her end, it was “harmless fun”, as she enjoyed the idea of teasing without following through – but from my perspective, it was cruel and torturous. Don’t be that person.

So what have we learned today?

Just like with any other aspect of your relationship, compromise and open communication are the keys. You need to be accepting of her wants and needs, and she needs to be accepting of yours.

If you have honesty and trust you can be assured that this issue can be improved. It won’t happen overnight, and it takes a solid effort from all people involved, but differences in sex drive are usually one of the easiest relationship problems to work on.

If, for some reason, you two are absolutely not able to reach a satisfactory compromise through these tips, you may need to seek out therapy, or to take a break from each other. This can be a painful process, but if you’re truly not compatible – you’re not compatible.

Apparently Lesbians ‘Never Have To Fake An Orgasm’, But Some Do – Here’s Why

We often hear tales of women who fake orgasm with their partner. Sometimes the partner knows, and sometimes they don’t. Those who don’t fake orgasms might be wondering why anyone actually would. Well, we’ve done a bit of soul-searching and came up with 5 reasons that would make a woman want to fake an orgasm. Read on to find out what we came up with!

She wants to hurry up and get it over with.

A woman might fake an orgasm because she doesn’t really want to be having sex right then. Maybe she would rather be reading a book, or watching a movie. She figures if she fakes it really quick, she can move on to something else.

The problem with this is that your partner can usually tell if you’re not really into it. This isn’t necessarily true if you’ve faked it the whole relationship, but for those who can tell the difference between fake orgasms and real ones – they’ll know.

She’s not in the mood.

Maybe she’s stressed out, or her lady didn’t do enough in the foreplay department. For whatever reason, she’s not in the mood for sex and just wants to get it over with. For getting it over with, refer to reason #1.

She doesn’t care if she finishes – but her partner cares.

For some women, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. This isn’t exactly a bad thing, because it’s nice to not focus on the idea of having an orgasm. Certain medications, medical conditions, or a number of other factors can make it difficult to achieve climax, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it didn’t feel good.

The problem with this issue is that, by faking orgasm, you’re actually focusing on the destination – even if you’re trying not to. If you find yourself unable to reach orgasm, it’s much more beneficial to tell your partner that you’re having a good time but you’re not going to finish. Her feelings may be hurt if she discovers you were faking it.

Her partner isn’t very good.

Sometimes, the people we have sex with just aren’t particularly skilled lovers. It’s not always something second-nature, and in fact many people have to learn how to be good lovers. She might not want to hurt her partner’s feelings, so she pretends she’s God’s gift to women.

The problem with this reason is that, by not telling your partner what she’s doing wrong, you’re actually encouraging her to remain a lousy lover. With a little bit of communication (which you can learn to work into your sexual play) you can actually teach your partner to be a better lover. But if you don’t let her know she needs improvement, she’ll never know.


She’s never had an orgasm before.

I’ve spoken to some women who had never actually reached the point of climax before, and as such they were faking it every time because they thought that’s just what you do. Or, they may have thought they’d reached orgasm, but weren’t sure.

Trust me, ladies. If you don’t know if you’ve had an orgasm, you haven’t.

If you value your sexual relationship with your partner, it’s up to you to let her know if you finish or not. If it’s not important to you whether you do, make sure she knows that, too. You may be able to get away with faking it for a while, but in the long run your partner will most likely be hurt if she found out. Most women will guess that a fake orgasm means that they weren’t doing a good job – it’s human nature to doubt ourselves if we’re not sure. It’s your job as the receiver to let her know the truth.

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Why Eye Contact Is The Ultimate Foreplay

When trying to turn on the woman you love, sometimes a simple look can hold all the answers.

For many women, the idea of arousing their partner can be difficult to manage. Sometimes, she’s stressed out and really not feeling the idea of intimacy. Sure, you love each other – and in theory that should be enough to charge the spark – but what about when it’s not?

In speaking to my current partner, I was told that my eyes are a dead giveaway when I’m in the mood. She swears that they’re brighter, even glowing, when I’m feeling frisky. I personally have never verified this, but she’s not the first person I’ve heard it from, so maybe it’s true.

Even if you don’t have color changing eyes, though, it’s quite likely that your lover will notice subtle changes in them. Our eyes respond to our emotions in their own ways, and the woman who pays closest attention to them is sure to pick up on these hints. I’m sure you can tell with her eyes, too, even if you might not notice it right away.

Her eyes will speak to you, and they’ll speak volumes. If you pay attention to the patterns, you’ll pick up on these changes – and chances are, if you know what you’re looking for, seeing that light in her eyes will ignite a fire within you as well.

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It’s important to realize that this probably won’t work on someone you’ve just met. That old saying “the eyes are the windows to the soul” implies that you’ll have to hold a piece of her soul (metaphorically speaking, of course) in order to see into it.

If you’ve got an emotional connection as well as a sexual one – even if the emotion isn’t as deep as “love” – you’ll be able to channel these emotions into a deeper, more satisfying sexual experience.

Ladies, nothing worth having happens overnight – and this little trick is no exception. There are people who think that love is a necessary prerequisite to sexual satisfaction, and indeed there are people that see it the other way around.

If you want to build a connection that allows you to get her ready without touching her, you’ll have to arouse her mind first. Prove to her that you have what she needs, and she’ll melt.

The Importance Of Your Partner’s Fetishes

Fetishes and fantasies are sort of an unspoken thing among people. Surely, there are as many fetishes as there are people – and they cover a wide variety of topics.

Usually, in order to be considered a “fetish”, it must involve sexual gratification linked to a particular item of clothing, part of the body, or a particular object not “traditionally” associated with sex, although it’s often expanded to include a number of things.

Often, when we think of these fetishes, we tend to write them off, thinking that they’re “weird”. However, if your partner has a particular fetish or fantasy – one that you can help to fulfill – it can be an incredibly intimate bonding activity if you choose to participate in it.

Here we will provide a brief description of the most common sexual fetishes, and what you can do to accommodate those fetishes if you’re not exactly keen on them yourself.

Sure, it can be a bit weird at first, but if you care about your partner it’s important that you realize that these simple actions can make a world of difference in their sexual satisfaction, and she’s sure to thank you for it.


Fetish #1: Group Sex and Swinging.

This particular fetish can be tough for some to accommodate, as it requires a great deal of trust among the partners.

However, for those who do choose to participate, it can be a bit exciting to watch your partner with someone else – and likewise have your partner watch you with someone else.

Many people who are actively aroused by this type of activity will require a polyamorous relationship, while others are satisfied with it as an occasional thing (think of a threesome).

If your partner wishes to participate in this and you are not willing, consider roleplaying as another person – this will allow your partner to “have sex outside the relationship” without the need for an outside person to be involved.


Fetish #2: Cross-dressing and gender bending.

This is a tricky situation, as it was once lumped into the same category as transgenderism – but the reality is that it’s not the same.

Cross-dressing refers to a sexual attraction to clothing items “forbidden”, or playing with the idea that they are sexually capable as the opposite gender.

Transgender, in contrast, refers to feeling that the body they were born into does not reflect who they are on the inside, and is typically not a sexual thing.

This is a very easy fetish to accommodate, as it doesn’t really require any effort on your part – simply allow your partner to convey herself as she would like to for your sexual activity.

This may mean that she chooses to believe that a strap-on is actually a part of herself, rather than a sex toy – go with it! It might cause some confusion for you, but if you truly care about your partner, you should love her and respect her wishes.

It may become apparent that her desire to gender-bend is actually based in transgenderism; in this case, you may find yourselves discussing the possibility of transitioning.

You should be able to decide whether you are comfortable with the idea of your girlfriend becoming your “boyfriend”, and whether you would be accepting of this change if it should come about.

Fetish #3: Water sports.

This is an especially tricky situation for those who don’t feel the same way. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, “water sports” actually has nothing to do with water – it is a sexual arousal to urine, and it’s more common than you might think.

Many times the person with this fetish may be aroused by the idea of wetting themselves or watching someone else to wet themselves, or being urinated on (often referred to as a “golden shower”).

However, if you are unwilling to participate in these activities, it may also be arousing to your partner if you agree to allow her to watch you using the restroom, or possibly even urinating in public (or watching her do so).

Fetish #4: Foot worship.

This refers to a sexual attraction to either feet, shoes, or stockings of some sort – and for many, the idea of sexualizing feet can be strange at first.

However, if your partner has a sexual attraction to feet, it’s important that you do what you can to accommodate this attraction. Many foot fetishists are attracted to the idea of kissing and sucking on feet, although that’s not necessarily all that it entails.

For those who are less willing to accommodate, you might consider wearing heels during your sexual activities, and allowing your partner to rub on them.

This can be infinitely rewarding to her without forcing you too far out of your comfort zone.

Fetish #5: Spanking.

Whether your partner enjoys spanking you or being spanked herself, this is actually pretty easy to understand.

The place where the bum meets the top of the thigh is an erogenous zone for many people, even if they don’t really associate it with spanking – and therefore, the right amount of pressure to this area can provide a great deal of arousal.

Aside from that, it can bring us back to feelings of childhood, and the person doing the spanking is seen as taking control. If you’re into domination, it’s particularly rewarding.

If you’re not sure if you’re interested in being spanked yourself, you may consider instead spanking your partner – often this desire can go both ways.

Likewise, you may choose to allow your partner to spank you, but with open communication – so that you can tell your partner when she’s spanking you too hard.

Fetish #6: Voyeurism and exhibitionism.

This deals with the desire to either watch sexual activities or show off your body in order to achieve sexual gratification. While technically these types of activities are illegal, that doesn’t mean that they don’t happen.

The appeal of having sex in public is strong for those with exhibitionist tendencies, while those who are interested in voyeurism can often be placated by pornography.

A fun way to compromise on this fetish would be to allow your partner to film you while you have sex – this way you won’t be breaking any laws, but your partner is free to watch you at her pleasure, while limiting the need for her to seek outside pleasures.

Consider allowing her to film you playing with yourself as well – you might even find that you enjoy it!


Fetish #7: Rubber, latex, and leather.

This deals with either an attraction to the tight material and the way it hugs the body (effectively forming a sort of bondage), or possibly the smell of the materials. Either way, this can be a bit tricky to work around if you’re not interested in it, as the tight material can be a bit much for some people.

However, that’s not to say that you should ignore it completely. If your partner is attracted to the smell of the materials, it’s possible that you can compromise by either playing with a small amount of body latex paint – applied to areas that you don’t feel constricted by – or by leather handcuffs or similar restraint devices.

Fetish #8: Sexual role-playing.

This is definitely one of the most common fetishes, but it can be met with a bit of opposition from those who think of it as “pretending”. In all actuality, this is exactly what it is.

Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to please your partner’s sexual fantasies can seem like a personal rejection, but it’s important to realize that’s not it at all. In fact, if your partner actually wished to reject you, she would be seeking out whoever this fantasy person was, rather than asking you to participate, and your refusal to do so can be just as much of a rejection to her.

There are many simple ways to indulge this fantasy, including dressing in costumes for your sexual play – although more advanced methods may involve costumes, props, and specialized locations. It’s up to you to determine how much of this fantasy you wish to participate in.

Fetish #9: Infantilism.

Infantilism refers to the fetish of an adult who wishes to be treated like a baby for sexual pleasure. Often, this fetish stems on the need to be nurtured, as well as an escape from the stresses and responsibilities of adult life.

They may choose to wear a diaper, to be fed from a bottle (or nurse from the nipples of their partners), and even baby talk.

Understandably, it can be a bit weird for those who don’t share in the fetish – but that’s not to say that you can’t still be accommodating.

If your partner wishes to be treated like a baby, but you’re less than eager, consider compromising on which aspects to participate in – for example, allow her to “nurse” on you, and call her pet names that refer to her childlike desires.

Fetish #10: Domination and submission.

By far the most common fetish is that of bondage, which can take on a great number of forms. In its simplest, this may refer to one partner being in control while the other partner is in a position of vulnerability.

This may include restraints, administration of physical pain, or many other aspects – the specific nature of this arrangement are up to the participants. Consider starting slow, as this can often be an experience of indulgence for both partners, but only when great care is exercised.

It seems that the dominant partner would be the one with all the control, but in reality the submissive partner is the one in charge of calling the shots. If there’s not absolute consent between the partners, it’s not bondage – it’s sexual abuse.

This list is in no way inclusive of all sexual fetishes, but it may help to understand the most common ones. I invite you to have an open discussion with your partner about any fantasies she may not be sharing with you.

Often, she may be repressing these fantasies out of fear of pushing you away – and it’s important that you reassure her that this is not the case.

If you love her, you owe it to her to explore her fantasies before writing them off completely.

Who knows? You may even enjoy them and not even realize it!

Why You Should Ask What She Wants in the Bedroom (And Not Just Assume)

There’s a myth that we, as lesbians, automatically know what our sexual partners want – but it’s exactly that, a MYTH!

Sometimes when we’re with someone for awhile, we tend to think that we can predict what they’ll like in the bedroom. This is sometimes true, for partners who have good communication – but it’s important to realize that the communication is a necessary part of this process.

In the lesbian community, many of us propagate the myth that “women know what women want”. To some degree, this is true; we can infer the things that are applicable to all women… But quite frankly, these all-encompassing rules are few and far between.

This is especially true when it comes to a newer relationship or one that is specifically focused on sex.

Why, you may ask?

1. Every woman is different.

There may be common interests between you and your partner, or your current partner and your previous partners, but no two women are exactly alike. What turns one woman on can completely turn off another – and this is something you won’t know for sure unless you actually ask.

2. Some women don’t even know what they want.

Sure, we might have an idea of the things we like, but that doesn’t mean that we know everything about ourselves. If you assume that you know her better than she knows herself, you’re most likely greatly mistaken. You might know a bit more about her mannerisms than she does, but that doesn’t mean you can see through her and know what all of her interests are, especially if she doesn’t even know them herself.

3. There’s a chance she agrees to things because she knows/thinks you like them.

This can be particularly damaging if you are both just going along with the flow. If you don’t like ear kissing, for example, but you assume she loves it because she’s never said otherwise. She doesn’t say anything because she thinks you enjoy kissing her ears. In all reality, neither one of you may be satisfied with this experience, but you’re just trying to go with it to please your partner. Do you see the problem here?

4. She might think you won’t enjoy the activities she wants the most.

I’ve been guilty of this in the past – I’ve kept my desires to myself in the hopes that my partner will suggest the things she wants, and I can either agree or disagree, and that’s that. But along with #2, this means that we could be denying something just because we’ve never tried it before, or it could simply not come to mind because it’s not something we actually enjoy ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that we’re not willing to do it, just that it’s not something we’d think to suggest.

5. She may have fantasies she’s embarrassed to express.

It can be tough to open up, especially in a new relationship. Some sexual fantasies are particularly tricky to eloquently bring up, especially when one partner is shy and/or inexperienced. But you never know what you could be missing if you keep things inside. You never know, you might share these fantasies and you’d never even guess.

6. Communication is vital in every aspect of your relationship!

You can’t expect to read your partner’s mind, nor should she be expected to read yours. This applies to all the various components in your relationship – perhaps your sexual relationship most of all. If you don’t communicate your wants, needs, and desires, at least one of you is likely to be unsatisfied with the relationship.

Ladies, there’s a whole world of sexual experiences out there, and if you limit yourself to the assumptions of your partner (or yourself), you could be missing things and not even know it. Not everyone is into everything, and that’s okay.

Ten Tantalising Sex Positions You And Your Girlfriend Need To Try

We’ve all been there – bored of your “normal” sexual routine, but unaware of what you can do to spice it up.

Toys are an option, but not everyone’s into them (and any that are worth anything are so expensive!). You could try role playing, but somehow that just seems like you’re pretending, and with an overly anxious partner it may lead them to believe that they’re not actually what you want (even if that couldn’t be further from the truth).

So, what’s left – what can you do to spice up the ordinary to make it extraordinary again?

Maybe a change of position may be in order.

Some may argue that lesbian sex can really only occur in a few positions in the first place – but those people in particular could benefit from this list. The truth is, there are hundreds upon hundreds of possible positions to get to your lover – and if you’re not utilizing all of them, it’s no wonder you’re in a slump!

In order to make this list, the position has to be achievable by a beginner – because believe it or not, trying out sexual positions that you’re not properly prepared for can cause serious injuries (not to mention embarrassment if this is a new partner).

Additionally, they have to be useful with or without toys. Not everyone enjoys toys, and that’s ok. Take a look at the top 10 positions that should be added to your repertoire immediately!


Ok, so this one is probably in your inventory already – it’s considered one of the basics. However, if you’re not familiar with the position, this is where one partner lays on top of the partner, such that their bodies resemble the reflection between the numbers “6” and “9” – that is, each head between the legs of the other partner. This is best suited for partners who are similar in size, or where one partner is smaller (in which case the smaller partner will probably choose to be on top), however if there is a fair amount of trust in your relationship, it can go either way. It’s great because you and your partner can stimulate each other simultaneously, and it allows for the possibility (but not the guarantee!) of simultaneous climax. Once you get the hang of it, or if you’re particularly flexible, you can even try it standing!



Scissoring (also referred to as tribadism or “tribbing”) has a bit of a mixed reception among lesbians. Some women swear by it, while others swear it simply doesn’t do anything. In my experience, however, it can be wonderful as long as you know what you’re doing. In order to do this, you and your partner should be similar sizes (preferably smaller) and reasonably flexible.

You will then rub yourself against each other – whether that means against her leg, or directly crotch-to-crotch is up to you. It provides an intense amount of stimulation and it can get quite messy. It can be difficult to achieve climax this way, but it works wonders when used to get the juices flowing and provides the necessary motivation to proceed to other activities if you desire. Additionally, you can even do this with clothes on for a bit of quick stimulation.


The Spoon

This position is great because it allows full physical contact with your partner – something that’s often left out of lesbian sexual experiences. In order to perform “the spoon”, one partner will need to be positioned behind the other partner, laying down in bed. She will then reach her hand over and start rubbing… And, well, I’m sure you can imagine the rest. If your partner is into penetration, this can be difficult in this position without the help of a toy – but definitely not impossible. It’s great because it allows you to kiss your partner’s neck, which can lead to extra stimulation and a heightened sense of arousal. If she desires, she can even reach her hand back and “service” you as well – the possibilities are endless!


Above Below

This one’s a little trickier, but definitely not difficult. In order to get this going, one partner will need to lay on her stomach on the bed, while the other partner lays on top of her. The partner on top will then rub herself against her partner while also stimulating the partner with her fingers – additionally, you can use a strap-on or other toy. The partner on bottom can additionally rub herself against the bed or a properly positioned pillow to add to the excitement. If done correctly, both partners should be able to climax this way – and if you’re into penetration, this is a position that sets you up to hit all the right spots.


The See Saw

The See Saw is a little more difficult to explain, but nevertheless exciting for both of you. One partner should be lying on her back with her legs bent – as if the other partner were going to go down on her. However, instead, the second partner should sit between her legs and drape her own over the top of them – picture forming an “M” with the two sets of legs. Once you’re in position, the rest is up to you – you can rub or penetrate, or even trib – whatever you desire!


The Ripple

For this position, one partner will need to be on her hands and knees. The other partner will be on her hands and knees behind her, so that she may give her some oral pleasure. Of course you can use your fingers or toys as well, but this isn’t important – the sensation of a tongue caressing you from behind is sure to be a delight. This is especially great if you enjoy a little mystery in your sex life; the partner being pleased will be unable to see what her partner is going to do to her – and often the sensations are even greater if you don’t find out until they’re happening!


The Works

The “receiving” partner should be standing for this one, and the other partner should be either sitting or kneeling just behind her. If you’re into anal play, this is a good opportunity for that – but it’s definitely not limited to that! The partner who is giving can reach under her partner and provide any types of sexual favors she desires; just as with “The Ripple”, you have the element of mystery working to your favor here.


Sublime Caress

Both partners will be standing for this position, facing each other, with something nearby for the “receiving” partner to rest her foot on (preferably forming a 90 degree angle, but it’s up to you – whatever you are comfortable with, as long as it is elevated to allow for a proper view). There’s something extra special about standing up for sex; I can’t quite place my finger on it, but it’s magical. Once you’re both in position, rubbing is key – although penetration can also be used, if you’re into it.


Pleasure Perch

This is another standing position – but only the receiving partner will be standing. The other partner will be kneeling in front of her, and the “receiver” will drape her leg over her partner’s shoulder in order to receive some good oral attention. Careful, though – if your partner knows her way with her tongue, you may need to make sure you have something to lean against so you don’t fall backward! This is great because the “giving” partner will have a full view of all of the “receiver’s” body, and will be able to lick and tease her partner to insanity.


Pandora’s Box

For “Pandora’s Box”, one partner will need to be seated in a chair, with her legs stretched out in front of her. The partner who is “giving” will need to be sitting, kneeling, or crouching between her outstretched legs. Oral pleasure is easy to give in this position, although there’s no rule that says you have to. (Due to the seated partner’s position, penetration may be difficult, but not impossible.) Once climax approaches, the seated partner will want to arch her back and possibly stretch those legs a little more – make sure your lady has a good hold on you if your chair doesn’t have a back on it!


If any of these positions is new to you, please don’t hesitate to try them out with your woman (or your woman of the night). They’re sure to impress, and with a little practice could easily become your go-to positions – no more boring sex!

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6 Reasons Your Period Can Be Late (That Definitely Don’t Mean You’re Pregnant)

Periods are pretty crazy. I think most of us (besides those women who really, really hope that they don’t get knocked up) pretty much hate them. Sure, they serve a good purpose, but when you’re totally out of commission for an entire week at a time (with pain that’s scientifically proven to be just as bad as a heart attack), it’s really hard to remember these good things.

Especially since, if you only sleep with women, you’re pretty sure that you’re not pregnant.

(I think we’ve all had those what-if-I’m-the-next-virgin-Mary thoughts sometimes, though.)

Unfortunately, even if you’re definitely not pregnant, your period might be a little unpredictable sometimes. Here are 6 reasons why your period can be late, without being pregnant. If you’re really concerned, take a pregnancy test just to be sure – but the odds of getting pregnant without having heterosexual unprotected sex are incredibly low.

1. You’re relying on your memory, instead of actual tracking.

For the longest time, I really thought that my period was super irregular. Of course, I never actually paid attention to when I had my period – I just knew that it had been a long time since the last time I had one, and as a super paranoid teenager, I was of course convinced that I had somehow gotten pregnant from a toilet seat.

Let me reiterate: Getting pregnant, without having unprotected heterosexual sex, is really, really unlikely.

If you don’t actually pay attention to when you have your period, and instead rely solely on your memory for how long it’s been, I urge you to start keeping track. It doesn’t have to be anything super formal – I used to have “PS” and “PE” written on my calendar. (That would be “period start” and “period end”, if you couldn’t figure that one out.) I know people who add a grumpy-face emoji into their digital calendar. This way is great, because anyone with a smartphone has a digital calendar, even if you don’t currently use it.

For those who actually do want a more formal way to track it, there are a number of period-tracking apps available for iPhone, Android, and Windows Phone. Some apps even give you a push notification a few days before you should expect your period, if you’ve been tracking for more than a month or two. Tracking is super important, not only so you can plan when not to wear white, but also so that you have a log to show your doctor when he or she asks. It can also help alert you when there might be a bigger problem in play. If you’re not already tracking, please start tracking your periods.

2. Irregular cycles are actually pretty normal.

I know we’ve pretty much all grown up hearing that your cycle is 28 days long. While this is a great guideline, it’s also not exactly true. The average cycle lasts about 28 days, but cycles from 21-32 days are completely normal. It takes a few months of tracking to figure out what your normal cycle is, and it can be pretty hard if you’re a bit irregular, too.

But what if your cycle is longer than 32 days, or shorter than 21 days? Well, that’s not exactly uncommon either. Everyone is different, and there are so many factors that go into when you get your period, it’s sometimes pretty tough to estimate when you should be getting it – especially if you’ve only ever heard that whole “28 days” thing. You shouldn’t stress too much if your cycle doesn’t fit up to the normal time frame. That’s only an estimate.

It’s important to note that it’s also normal for your cycle to be totally unpredictable, especially if you’re under 21 or over 45. When you’re younger, your body still has to find the rhythm that works best for you. (We’ve already discussed that there are so many factors in play here.) If your periods are irregular and you’re definitely not within that younger, body-is-still-learning age group, there’s a chance it means you’re approaching menopause – which is, also, a completely normal part of life.

3. If you’re stressing too much, your period can get all screwed up in the mix.

Stress is a completely normal part of life, too, but with too much stress comes the inevitable health consequences. One of the most readily-identifiable problems it can cause is an unpredictable period schedule. For women who might be pregnant, and really don’t want to be, this can cause a cycle (no pun intended) of weird periods and more stress.

You see, your period is a way for your uterus to “clean house”, so to speak. Your ovaries release an egg, in anticipation of that egg being fertilized. If a certain amount of time (which, again, is different for everyone) passes, and you haven’t gotten pregnant, your ovaries basically flood the place in a fit of rage. When you’re too stressed out, though, your body takes a different approach.

Too much stress pushes your brain to tell your ovaries that you are not emotionally ready to have a child right now (ain’t that the truth) and, in turn, your ovaries don’t release an egg. Since there’s no baby being prepared for in there, there’s nothing to flood back out. Your body just needs a little time for itself right now, so work on managing your stress, and your period should be back on track before too much longer.

4. Illness and injury can screw things up, too.

I probably don’t need to tell you that your period takes a lot out of your body. It’s not really in your body’s best interest to ovulate when you’ve got too much other stuff going on, so many women just don’t ovulate when they’ve got too much going on. Of course, it would be great if we had better (conscious) control over when we got our period – no more bloody wedding nights or unplanned midnight trips to the feminine hygiene aisle – but at least we have the satisfaction of knowing that mother nature is actually looking out for you.

Honestly, injury and illness usually take up a lot more of your body’s resources than we give them credit for, but the underlying cause of your symptoms is almost always the healing process. (Obviously, if you break a bone, the actual breaking is going to hurt more than the healing, but that’s not the case with all injuries.) And, since most of these illness-and-injury-fixing processes take the same resources as getting our period would take, our body chooses to heal us instead of bringing on another problem.

Good lookin’ out, uterus.

5. Certain medications can play a role, too.

Anyone who’s ever been on chemical or hormonal birth control for any reason other than actual birth control will know this all too well: It affects your cycle. Like, a lot. It’s almost funny how this happens even when it’s prescribed to regulate your period, but honestly, any time you throw pregnancy hormones into your body “just because”, it’s going to mess things up.

But it’s not just birth control that can cause these problems. When you first start taking a new medication, it can put a lot of undue stress on your body. The affects are different for everyone, and different medications will affect it in different ways, but it’s usually nothing to be concerned with.

That being said, if you have completely skipped a period since taking your new meds, and it wasn’t prescribed specifically to give you fewer periods, you should schedule an appointment with your doctor. Remember, your period actually serves a valuable purpose, even if it doesn’t feel like it. This is why paying attention is so important – you need to pay attention in order to know when you should be concerned.

6. Losing or gaining a significant amount of weight can alter your cycle.

Pretty much any time your body goes through significant changes, there’s a good chance it’ll affect your period. Your weight, in particular, plays a huge part in determining your cycle. If you’ve recently gained or lost some weight, more than the normal fluctuations, your period could become late or non-existent. That’s because your body’s first priority is self-preservation, and it doesn’t want you to get pregnant if your weight is bouncing around all over the place – that’s not healthy, and it wouldn’t be healthy to the (hypothetical) baby.

How much weight is considered “significant”? That’s going to vary based on your own body, and how quickly the weight was lost or gained. There is no exact number for everyone, but there is a general guideline: If you see or feel a difference in your weight or build, regardless of whether it’s reflected on the scale or not, it’s significant enough to make a difference.

If you must gain (or lose) weight in order to be healthier, it’s important that you do so gradually. Not only is it less stressful on the body that way, it’s also more sustainable. It’s easier to keep up with 1% change than it is to hit your goals right away, and then push yourself to maintain right away. (Also, let me tell you, from someone who lost almost half my body weight within a year, it’s nearly impossible to do so in a healthy way. Please don’t cause yourself unnecessary extra health problems in the name of weight management.)

These 9 Medical Tests Are Crucial For All Women

In the words of Tammy Wynette ‘sometimes it’s hard to be a woman’ and aint that so true?

Not only do we have so many emotional complexities to deal with, but our bodies are quite unique as well. So we owe it to ourselves to keep our bodies in tip top condition.

Here is a list of the 9 most important medical tests all women should have.

Cervical Cancer Screening

This test is to check against human papillomavirus, or HPV and all women between the ages of 21 to 65 should have it done. We should have the test every 3 to 5 years and the test will look for cell changes in your body that could indicate cancer, so make sure you have yours done regularly.

Colorectal Cancer Screening

This is a colonoscopy which isn’t the most pleasant of tests to have carried out, however it saves 100’s of lives a year. Women aged between 50 to 75 should have it done every 10 years and the test will look for colon cancer and tumours. If caught early the survival rate is very good.

Breast Cancer Screening

This test is often called a mammogram and should be carried out on women aged 50 – 74. Some women if they have a history of breast cancer in the family have the test earlier. It should be carried out yearly and can detect even the very early stages of breast cancer. We love our boobs girls, so we need to look after them.

Blood Pressure Test

This test measures your blood flowing through your veins. All adults over the age of 18 should have the test done yearly as high blood pressure can be an indication you are at risk from heart disease or a stroke. It’s easily treated with medication and is important you have the test done as high blood pressure can go undetected for a long time before symptoms start to show.

Lipid Panel Test

This test is often called a cholesterol test as it checks the cholesterol levels or ‘fat’ in the blood. Women over the age of 45 should have the test done and it should be carried out yearly. High Cholesterol levels can cause heart attacks, heart disease and strokes. It is very easily managed through medication and it is vital to have it checked out.

Hepatitis C Test

Hepatitis is far more common than we realise. It can occur because of blood transfusions that contained contaminated blood. It is recommended that women born between 1945 and 1965 have the test done. The test only needs to be done once. Hepatitis C can cause liver disease and liver failure if left untreated.

Blood Glucose Testing

This test is carried out to check the amount of glucose in your blood which can indicate diabetes. Maintaining the correct balance of sugar in our bodies is really important.  Woman aged from 40 – 70 should have the test carried out yearly.

Osteoporosis Screening

This is a bone density test that looks to see if your bones are at risk from fractures or you may be at risk from declining mobility. Women over the age of 65 should have the test done and if they are not at high risk it only needs to be carried out once every 10 years.  Osteoporosis is treated in a variety of different ways so early detection in low bone mass is important.

Many of these tests can be carried out during a yearly medical so you can have many of them done at the same time.

Don’t ever take chances with your health, and if you are worried about any symptoms you may have go to see your GP right away.

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10 STDs You Can Get Without Having “Real Sex”

The subject of what “counts” as sex is a very personal matter. If you ask a hundred different people, you’ll probably get at least 50 different answers (although this is purely speculation on my part; I’m not sure if it’s really as diverse on a worldwide level as the answers that I’ve personally received).

For many people, “real sex” means “penetrative sex with a man”. It’s often assumed that other sexual activities don’t put you at the same level of risk as this “real sex” puts you at – but the people who perpetuate this idea are putting others at a huge disservice.

Truthfully, any sexual activity does put you at risk of contracting an STD – even if it’s your first time. (STDs have nothing to do with promiscuity). There are even non-sexual activities that can put you at risk for these STDs. Wondering how that works? Well, in short, “STD” (or STI) is a blanket term that refers to any disease involving either the sexual organs or an exchange of bodily fluids. Different fluids can harbor different diseases, and safer sex practices can help lower your risk factors for certain diseases.

But we’ve got 10 reasons why safer sex isn’t enough all on its own – you should be getting tested regularly, even if you don’t think you’re at risk.

1. Pubic lice (crabs)

We often associate “having crabs” with sexually promiscuous behavior – but the name pubic lice is a bit misleading, in itself. While they are often found in the pubic hair, just shaving your pubes won’t magically make you immune to contracting – they can live in any coarse hair on the body. This means that any body hair – including facial hair – has the potential to hide these little critters.

While they’re mainly transmitted by sexual contact, they can be passed on by any skin-to-skin contact with areas close to where the lice are located, or by sharing clothing with someone suffering from an infestation. This is one of the many reasons it’s super important to always wash second-hand clothes in hot water before wearing them – even if you trust the person you got them from.

Thankfully, just like head lice, pubic lice can easily be treated with a special shampoo. Make sure the lotion, shampoo, or mousse you buy contains permethrin and/or piperonyl butoxide, so it’s sure to kill the lice and their eggs. If you’re embarrassed about purchasing special “pubic lice lotions”, don’t worry – they’re pretty much exactly the same as the lice shampoo you’ll find with the hair stuff.

2. Molluscum contagiosum

Never heard of this one? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. This is one of the less-known STDs, which in many ways is exactly why we should be looking into it more. Simply put, molluscum contagiosum refers to lesions caused by a poxvirus (meaning that it’s medically similar to chickenpox – and can be spread in the same ways).

Although this disease is classified as an STD, much like other varieties of poxes, they can be passed from any skin-to-skin contact. Generally, these lesions are located on the face, neck, arms, legs, stomach, and genital area. They often appear in groups, but can be isolated as well.

In most cases, treatment is considered unnecessary, as the symptoms (and the disease) will usually clear up within a year on their own. They can be removed, through laser therapy, cryotherapy, or cutterage. There are also oral and topical treatments that are usually limited to kids who come down with the infection. No matter which treatment you decide to pursue, you will need to make an appointment with your doctor (and, of course, limit physical contact with infected areas until the lesions are gone).

3. Herpes

Okay, I think we all know about herpes and what it basically means, but I think there are still a lot of people who still don’t know exactly what the diagnosis of herpes really means. This is an infection that isn’t really “dangerous” in most situations, per se, but it’s definitely going to be awkward – for the rest of your life. There is no cure for herpes, and in pregnant women, it may have a connection with miscarriage and premature birth rates.

Herpes is super common – about 1/6 of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 have herpes. The most obvious method of transmission is contact with a herpes outbreak – but most people don’t know that you can get herpes from an infected partner, even if they’re not currently showing symptoms.

Treatment options for herpes are growing, and while you will never “get rid of” the herpes virus, there are treatments which shorten the length of outbreak, as well as ones that make transmission less likely. It’s still absolutely essential to not have sex while suffering from any symptoms – but also, it’s important that you use the proper barrier methods, and using them correctly, even when there are no signs of symptoms.

4. HPV (human papillomavirus)

HPV has been getting a bit of media attention lately, which is amazing – I am all on board with people becoming more educated about their bodies and the things that could potentially go wrong with it. HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease, and according to the CDC, almost all sexually active men and women will have HPV at some point in their life – although there are a number of different strains that should be noted, too.

Human papillomavirus can be spread through skin contact or oral-genital contact, which – it should go without saying – pretty much includes any type of sexual activity. If left untreated, certain strains of HPV can cause cancer or genital warts, as well as other notable medical problems.

Thankfully, like most other high-visibility STDs, there are preventative measures available to keep you a little bit safer. The HPV vaccine is highly recommended, as it helps to protect you from the strain(s) of HPV that can turn into cervical cancer. For those who contract the disease, whether they chose not to get vaccinated or the vaccine didn’t “take”, we recommend speaking with your doctor to evaluate your treatment options.

5. Chlamydia

I’ll admit – I knew nothing about chlamydia until I was accused of passing it on to a non-monogamous partner. Turns out, I didn’t have it – but I did learn that my initial knee-jerk reaction of “I think I’d know if I had an STD” were completely unfounded. Chlamydia is often asymptomatic in women, but it can cause some major long-term (and even permanent) damage to the reproductive system – making it difficult or even impossible to conceive and carry a child later in life.

Chlamydia is passed on by oral, vaginal, or rectal sex, and both men and women can be carriers of the disease (again, potentially without any symptoms). When symptoms do exist, they can include abnormal discharge (in both men and women), pain and swelling of the testicles (in men – but this symptom is rare), and a burning when urinating.

If you do find out that you have chlamydia, it’s not necessarily a big deal, as long as you’re regularly tested and catch it before it causes any further problems. It’s treated with a round of antibiotics, which must be obtained from your doctor.

6. Gonorrhea

Gonorrhea is most commonly associated with oral sex, although it can be passed on through other methods as well. The symptoms most often show themselves as a sore throat or other “head cold”-like symptoms, and it is highly contagious. Although most people have a passing familiarity with gonorrhea, it remains one of the most prevalent sexually transmitted diseases – especially in younger sexually active people, from 15-24 years old.

While it’s usually noted as an “oral sex disease”, it can be passed on from oral-genital contact, oral-rectal contact, rectal-penile contact, and penile-vaginal contact. Many people with gonorrhea have no symptoms, and when the symptoms are present, they are often mistaken for other diseases (such as a bladder infection or the flu).

There are a number of treatment options for gonorrhea, but many strains of the virus have developed a resistance to antibiotics. For this reason, doctors recommend dual-treatment – and diligent re-testing to ensure that the first round of treatment actually got rid of the infection.

7. Syphilis

The idea of syphilis is especially scary – I know I’ve heard of a lot of famous historical figures who actually had the disease, and some who actually died from it. Thankfully, our understanding of the disease has grown a lot over the past few centuries, and although syphilis can still cause serious complications if left untreated, it’s not automatically a death sentence anymore.

The physical symptoms of syphilis are separated into stages, as each stage has certain symptoms characteristic to the timeframe. It’s also been called “the great imitator” because most of the symptoms associated with the disease mimic the symptoms of other problems – such as a rash or lesions on your body, or eventual deterioration of your muscle control. Contact with a syphilis outbreak can spread the infection to another person, or another part of the body.

Treatment of syphilis is necessary, even though most people don’t progress to the stage that can cause serious problems – the risk is still there, and you are still highly contagious. It’s more likely to pass the disease on to someone else if you’re still in those early, relatively painless stages. It’s important to get treated early, as the disease can be cured, but there is no way to reverse the complications it has already caused.

8. Hepatitis B

HBV is a disease with a number of different variables. It can be life-long or short-term. It can be contracted from oral-genital contact, as well as many other “risky behaviors”. It causes major damage to the liver, and if you happen to contract a longer-term illness, you’re pretty much stuck with hepatitis.

Most Americans will be vaccinated against Hepatitis B (and a few other variants) before they enter school. This is generally considered the best way to keep yourself safe – a vaccination will remove almost all of the risk of contraction, but it’s still a good idea to use safer sex practices even if you have been vaccinated.

Treatment options for HBV will vary, depending on the specific strain you have. If you have one of the “more temporary” forms of the virus, there are only supportive treatments available. For those with a long-term infection, it may be necessary to treat with antiviral medications.

9. Hepatitis C

HCV is actually pretty similar to HBV, but a much higher percentage of people contract a chronic form of this disease – an estimated 70-85% of those infected. This disease is no laughing matter, and even in the modern age of medical technology, people still die from complications of their hepatitis C symptoms.

Unlike Hepatitis B, Hep-C is most commonly not caused by sexual contact – the large majority of infections come from drug injection (with shared needles). That doesn’t mean that sexual activity doesn’t put you at risk, though – it can also be passed on through oral-genital contact, as well as penetrative sex.

Chronic Hepatitis C is treated with antiviral drugs. In 2013, two new drugs were approved for the treatment of HCV: Sofosbuvir (brand-name Sovaldi) and Simeprevir (brand-name Olysio). These drugs will not get rid of the disease, though – they’ll only manage the symptoms in order to allow you a normal life.

10. HIV

As the most highly-visible of all sexually transmitted diseases, it’s the one that most people know the most about. Still, that knowledge is likely to be limited – and, because of these limitations, it’s highly possible that you’re not adequately protecting yourself. Up until very recently, it was assumed that HIV was only spread through anal sex, and primarily affecting the gay male community. Let me tell you right now: No one is immune to HIV.

HIV is passed through the spread of certain bodily fluids, such as semen, vaginal discharge, or blood. This means that any contact with any of these substances will put you at risk. Further, you can still test negative for HIV for several months after exposure – making it absolutely necessary to get tested regularly, even if you’re completely monogamous.

Unfortunately, there is no effective cure for HIV, and many of the treatment options leave a lot of room to be desired. With proper (and early) treatment, the prognosis is getting a lot brighter, but there’s still a long way to go – so, if at all possible (and it is possible), you should protect yourself from contracting the virus in the first place.

The Problem With Living In A Hookup Culture That Lacks Sex Education

I’m going to level with you guys really quick: I didn’t really start learning about same-sex sex education until a few years ago. It’s not something that you really hear about too much, even in places where heterosexual sex ed is in the core curriculum at school. This has led to a few generations of women who are seriously uninformed about their risks. Just because I didn’t know how to have safer sex with a woman until I was in my 20s, I had been having sex with women since I was in my teens. My first time with a woman and my first time getting tested were about five years apart. Of course, now I know that’s far too long to go without getting tested – but it wasn’t until I had a scare that I even considered it a possibility.

In places where sex education is a solid part of the curriculum, it’s often lacking, sometimes even criminalized. Abstinence is the only way to be safe, they say. But without knowing all their risk factors in the first place, many teens will do pretty much everything except penetrative sex – after all, if you can’t discuss sex, you’re very well not going to discuss the different types of sex, now are you? But the reality is that, aside from any type of sexual contact, you can get some STDs even through innocuous contact – or by walking in tall grass. I don’t mean to scare you, but it’s important to realize that there are other methods of transmission here.

This is a very big problem in the lesbian community, as many of us grew up thinking that, since they don’t tell you there’s anything to worry about, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, that’s not really the case – you can get STDs from a woman just as easily as you can from a man. Your risk factors will include the different types of sex you have and whether or not you’re using protection reliably, but if it’s not in the school systems… Most people don’t even think of it as a problem. The number of women I’ve spoken to who have never even brought up safer sex with their partners is astounding – and, in some ways, depressing.

Fast forward to now, when many millennials are caught up in this hook-up culture. I know it’s not all of us – I’d say about 50% of my friends do “hook-ups”, and about 50% do “relationships”. While the simple act of promiscuous behavior doesn’t put you more at risk of developing an STD, it does rely on a sense of safer sex that is, quite frankly, lacking. Sure, most of us figure out safer sex as an adult – but what does that leave for those younger than us who are experimenting with their sexual identities and not really sure what they need to do to protect themselves?

I’m not trying to promote the idea of underage sex here, but let’s think about this from a realistic standpoint. A good portion of kids lose their virginity before they turn 18. In fact, it’s a goal to lose your virginity as early as possible sometimes. While there seems to be more pressure for boys to “give it up early”, in the lesbian community, we are especially prone to losing our virginities at a younger age – no matter what that definition may be for you. Maybe it’s all statistics and numbers, but there’s a clear-cut connection with our community and a lack of safer sex practices.

What can we do to fix this problem? The answer is simultaneously simple, and very complicated. It’s as easy as getting lesbian sex education into schools, and stop criminalizing (or sexualizing) women for their sexuality. But, of course, how you’d implement such a strategy is an entirely different story – our society just hasn’t reached that point yet.

One way we can start working toward a brighter future in the world of sex education is by openly talking about it. If you have kids, start the conversation early – and make sure you’ve got your facts right before you start. While it might seem like a horrible idea to start talking to your nine-year-old daughter about protection, chances are, the younger you start, the less uncomfortable she’s going to be with the idea in the future. Of course, the responsibility doesn’t fall entirely on the girls, though – boys should be taught at a younger age, too. (Personally, I got my first sex talk at the age of five, and I’m pretty sure if it had included the possibility of me turning out to be a raging homo, my sexual history would have been a lot different.)

Many times, we can think that our kids aren’t able to understand what we’re telling them, because it’s “too advanced for them”. But, as Einstein once said, “If you can’t explain it to a five-year-old, you really don’t understand it yourself.” There’s a lot of truth in those words – you should know a way to talk to your kids about safer sex without making it awkward. Talking about your health should never be awkward, and it just might come in handy someday.

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Lesbian Try Dental Dams For The First Time (And The Result Are Hilarious)

When was the last time you saw or heard about a dental dam, outside of health class, visit to the dentist or The L Word?

For those not too sure what a dental dam (aka the condom for lesbians) is, well they were originally designed to protect people during dental procedures, but were re-marketed for queer women as safe-sex tool during cunnilingus.


Sadly, it was never very popular in the lesbian community, and a 2010 study actually found that less than 10% of lesbian women have ever used them, and less than 2% regularly use them.

Now according to Mashable’s Heather Dockray, the dental dam is dead.

Why you may ask, well it’s not just the construction of the dam itself that stops people from using them – it’s the (perceived) nature of lesbian sex itself.

Lesbian sex is commonly portrayed as “low-risk” sex. But “low-risk” doesn’t mean no risk ladies.

STDs You Could Have (And Not Even Know)

No one really likes to think of STDs. Safe sex just seems so boring, and there are people who think that getting tested means you’re promiscuous. The truth is that regular STD testing is super important, even if you’re monogamous, but participate in other “risky” behaviors. Aside from that, the idea that promiscuity puts you more at risk than someone who’s only had sex with one or two partners is ridiculous, too – it’s not the number of sexual partners that makes a difference, but whether you’re being careful enough.

Most people know the usual “warning signs” of a sexually transmitted disease, as well as the basic precautionary measures – whether we actively practice safer sex or not. But there could be diseases and infections that don’t show symptoms, that can still be passed onto someone else.

More than just that, your doctor probably isn’t actually checking for everything, even if you say check me for everything. Often, certain diseases aren’t tested for unless specifically requested. These are things that are less common, but that doesn’t make them any less serious. When in doubt, ask your doctor – he or she will help you to make a more informed decision.

Even if you don’t show any symptoms, there are a few diseases you should always ask to be checked for anyway.


Most people who have chlamydia don’t show any symptoms, and the symptoms that are present often go unnoticed. If you haven’t been checked in a while, it’s a good idea to ask.


For women, gonorrhea usually manifests without any symptoms, or as a sore throat (if it’s passed on through oral sex). Best to get a check-up, as both gonorrhea and chlamydia can lead to fertility problems in the future!


It seems like this would be the one you definitely know you have, right? But because of the similarities in appearance between herpes, acne, and ingrown hairs, they’re often confused. Get checked every now and then.


HPV (or human papillomavirus) often starts off with little to no symptoms. However, it can turn into cervical cancer if it’s not caught early enough, so make sure you’re getting tested.


Unlike the other diseases on this list, syphilis is almost always foretold by sores. These might not actually be painful, though, so you might not think to get it checked out. If you’re worried, it’s better to be safe than sorry.


Often goes without symptoms. If left untreated, it may develop into a urinary tract infection. If this is the first sign of the problem, there’s already a problem – get tested!

Genital warts

It can take up to six months for contact with genital warts to produce any new warts. If there is any question whether you had contact with genital warts, get checked – it could save you a lot of trouble in the future!


Here’s a scary one – the symptoms of HIV often don’t show up for days or even weeks, at which point they’re often mistaken for the flu. Even scarier, you can show false negatives for as long as six months after contact, which makes regular testing before having sex with any new partner super important.

Hepatitis B

It can take months for Hepatitis B symptoms to pop up, but that doesn’t make you any less contagious.


Chancroids (or genital sores) are often less painful in women, and often get overlooked because of this. You might not even notice them, especially if you’re used to shaving irritation.


The symptoms of scabies can take as long to six weeks to appear, and aren’t limited to sexual activities – you can get scabies from tall grass or hotel mattresses, too. The symptoms are often mistaken for skin contact allergies, or dermatitis, so doctors will want to check for “tunnels” in order to make a diagnosis.

Pubic Lice

If your pubes are particularly itchy, it might not be a rash, but pubic lice – which you’ll need a magnifying glass to see. Since most people don’t check their vaginas with a magnifying glass often, it’s best to get tested, just to make sure you’re not harboring any little critters.

What Lesbian And Bisexual Women Need To Know About Sexual Health

Unfortunately, despite many schools having good sexual health education, these lessons are far from comprehensive and very often ignore the sexual health of (cis) women who sleep with other (cis) women.

Left to learn about sexual health on their own, naturally, there may be some things that are unclear, unknown or overlooked, so, with this post, we list some incredibly important things that lesbian and bisexual women need to know about sexual health.

1. Lesbian and Bi Women Are Not Immune from STIs

One common misconception is that lesbian and bisexual women cannot get STIs (sexually transmitted infections) through sleeping with women. However, although the risk is significantly lower than for women who sleep with men, STI transmission is entirely possible. This can occur with sexual acts that involve any skin to skin contact, contact with bodily fluids, or the sharing of sex toys – regardless of the gender/sex of the people involved.

2. Few Lesbian and Bi Women Use Dental Dams

Perhaps it’s because of this misconception (that women who sleep with other women cannot contract STIs) that the use of dental dams (a latex square that can prevent the transmission of STIs during oral sex) is incredibly low. In an interview with BuzzFeed, sex therapist Dr. Madeleine M. Castellanos revealed that “less than 10% of women use them at all, with only a fraction of them using dams regularly”.

3. Condoms Can Be Turned Into Dental Dams

For those who do want to use dental dams to keep themselves protected during oral sex, then in then absence of an actual dental dam, condoms can be turned into dental dams instead. Details of how to to turn a condom into a dental dam can be found on the Sexuality and U website.

4. Many Bisexual Women Don’t Tell Their Doctors Their Sexuality

According to a Scottish Equality Network survey of 513 bisexual people in the UK, 28% of those surveyed said that they would never feel comfortable informing their doctors of their sexuality and 66% felt pressure to pass as straight. A further 42% of people passed as gay or lesbian to their doctors instead of bisexual.

Although this is understandable, it is often quite important for doctors to know a patients sexuality in order to make accurate treatment suggestions and diagnoses.

5. Lesbian and Bi Women Should Still Get Tested (Even in Monogamous Relationships)

As noted by Amplify, women who are in a monogamous relationship with one another shouldn’t suddenly stop practicing safe sex – even if they’ve been tested. As it can take between three and six months for HIV results to come back positive, it’s advised that you go back and get tested again six months into the relationships.

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The World Is Officially Doomed: Researchers Conclude Cunnilingus Increases Your Chances Of Developing Cancer

Regularly performing oral sex reportedly increases the likelihood of contracting several types of cancer by way of a common virus.

According to new reports, oral sex has been linked with human papillomavirus (HPV), which typically causes no harm.

However, in rare instances, HPV can lead to cancer due to the changes it triggers in infected cells.

Found in the penis, vagina, mouth and anus, the extremely common virus spreads by skin-to-skin contact in addition to sexual intercourse.

Oral sex is believed to be the primary way HPV enters the mouth.

In a recent study conducted at New York’s Albert Einstein College of Medicine, researchers collected mouthwash samples from nearly 97,000 healthy people.

After four years, they found participants who were carrying HPV in their mouths were up to 22 times more likely to develop a tumour than those without HPV.

Researchers linked HPV to head and neck cancers, which were contracted by 132 participants.

Dr. Ilir Agalliu of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine reportedly said,

This study also showed using easily collected oral samples may help in predicting people’s risk for developing head and neck cancers.

Men and gay women are apparently have a higher chance of developing throat cancer because diseases are more easily contracted via cunnilingus as opposed to fellatio.

Be sure to read: Lesbian Safe Sex: How Much Do You Know?

Previous research also suggested smoking and drinking may increase the risk of HPV transmission.

Mouth and throat cancers reportedly affect approximately half a million people per year and kill about 150,000.

The Albert Einstein College of Medicine study was originally published in JAMA Oncology.

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Myth Busted: Women Can Get Erections Too!

As we can all agree, female genitals are mysterious yet amazing things; and here at KitschMix, we’re always on a mission to discover more.

So is Erika Moen, who has created this awesome cartoon, which explains (among other things) how women get erections, not just men.


If you want to know more – check out her work here.

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40 Thoughts You’ll Have While Dry Humping Your Girlfriend

I’m not sure about your relationships, but my girlfriend is definitely a humper. Sometimes we joke about it (she insists she can’t fall asleep unless she humps me first – especially if I’m not giving it up that day – but I’m not convinced). Other times, I actually get into it and it works its way into “real” sex. But the fact remains that dry humping is pretty weird.

For most people, dry humping is that thing you do before sex. Whether it’s because you’re not ready yet (with this partner), you’re not ready yet (with any partner), or you’re not ready yet (tonight), dry humping can definitely set the mood for things to come. (Pun definitely intended.)

But what sorts of things go through your mind when you’re dry humping?

1. She’s literally just rubbing herself against my butt right now.

2. This doesn’t really do anything for me.

3. Oh wait, that moan in my ear does a little something.

4. If I moan back maybe she’ll fondle my boobs.

5. OK, she’s way more excited than I am – boob fondling is not the business.

6. For the love of all that is holy, please stop humping my butt.

7. Maybe if I roll over, she’ll hump my front instead.

8. Oh yes – now she’s on top of me.

9. Wait, why did she slow down?

10. Is she about to finish?

11. Nope, you’re not getting off if I can’t get off.

12. She’s trying to undo my pants. Do I let her?

13. She started teasing, so she should definitely keep teasing for a while.

14. Screw this, teasing sucks.

15. Wait… Teasing isn’t so bad after all.

16. Is it bad that I want her to beg for it?

17. Crap… I’m about to beg for it.

18. LOL, I can feel how wet she is.

19. Can she feel how wet I am right now?

20. Well, she definitely noticed – and for some reason felt the need to comment on it.

21. Why is someone grinding against me so sexy?

22. That face she just made isn’t very sexy, though.

23. But that moan definitely was.

24. Can’t we just get to business already?

25. Note to self: I am a classy lady.

26. Second note to self: Dry humping doesn’t make me feel very classy.

27. Dry humping makes me feel like a teenager.

28. Did I dry hump when I was a teenager?

29. I definitely dry humped my first girlfriend.

30. I wonder what she’s doing now.

31. No – stop! Don’t think about your ex right now!

32. Didn’t she eventually decide she was straight though?

33. Didn’t really seem so straight when she was pressed against me.

34. This dry humping thing isn’t really doing it – maybe if I take off my pants, it’ll work better.

35. I repeat: I am a classy lady.

36. Classy ladies don’t take off their pants right away.

37. But classy ladies don’t dry hump either.

38. Why can’t we be classy and still have lots of sex?

39. Why am I not having sex right now?

40. Screw it – let’s have sex.

Are there any thoughts I missed? Share in the comments some of the things that go through your mind when you’re dry humping (or being dry humped by) your lady!

The Best Reasons To Be Your Own Partner

Ladies, have you ever been with someone who was just so lousy in bed that you couldn’t help but think to yourself, “WTF was that?” I know I’ve been there, and it’s super disappointing – especially when you care about the person. For many of us, this is a huge cycle, though. We don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings, but we also kinda don’t want to have our partner keep being terrible. What do you do in a situation like this?

The answer is typically something as simple as, well, do it yourself. When you take a hands-on approach to your own sexual satisfaction, you’re taking responsibility for whether or not you finish. But it might be helpful in other ways, too – curious as to what those reasons are?

Masturbation helps you become more comfortable with your own body.

As much as we want to believe that it’s our partner’s fault if we don’t reach orgasm, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, an inability to orgasm comes from a lack of comfort within ourselves. I’m not talking fuzzy-pants-and-no-bra comfort here (although that definitely doesn’t hurt), I’m talking about our actual self-confidence.

Think about it for a minute. When you’re having sex with a partner, you’re opening yourself up for their judgment, even if they’re not actually judging you. We worry about the faces we make, the noises we make, whether we’re taking too long, and a slew of other things that basically puts us at their mercy. And if you’re not comfortable with the idea of handling these things on our own, we can’t really be comfortable with handling them with a partner.

With enough practice, you can learn to ignore these things (our faces and moans) because we’re just focused on what feels good. Unfortunately, this practice isn’t always easy with a partner, because we’ll still be actively self-conscious the whole time. This isn’t really a “face your fears head-on” situation.

When you become more comfortable and less self-aware during sex, you can really let go – which will make your sensuality explode. Being able to harness this power and use it when you’re with a partner won’t likely come naturally, but practicing by yourself can help.

Masturbation helps you figure out what you like.

I’m a firm believer in the whole “don’t knock it ‘till you try it” ideology. That’s pretty much paved the way for my sexual exploration, both with and without a partner (and helps me to understand why I went “back in the closet” for a while as a teenager). If you haven’t tried something, you really don’t know if you like it or not – right?

Of course, trying new things with your partner is great, too, especially if you have a strong connection with that partner. But sometimes trying new things “with an audience” (even if that audience member is an active participant) can be stressful. As I said in my first point, we are overly-conscious of everything that’s happening with our bodies when we have sex – and this is something we have to un-learn.

Besides, wouldn’t it be great if your partner asks “What do you want me to do to you?” and you already have an answer prepared – or maybe even ten?

Even if you’re doing the exact same things with your partner that you’d do with yourself, it will feel different, because your partner can reach different angles with you – unless you happen to be super flexible or have really long arms. (I’m pretty flexible myself, but I’ve got “T-Rex Arms” – I feel like they’re much too short to reach the best positions by myself.)

This change makes it to where there is still an element of surprise, even if it’s something you’ve done by yourself a million times – making it a valuable “first” no matter how much you’ve fantasized about it before.

Masturbation helps you focus on yourself.

“Wait… I thought you said we shouldn’t focus on ourselves while we masturbate?” Well, that’s true – but only in regards to your body. Masturbation helps you focus on your mind, the mental aspect of the orgasm, and lets you guarantee yourself an orgasm. Or, if it’s just not working out like that, you can tap out without leaving anyone unsatisfied or disappointed.

Masturbating is completely personal. You are giving yourself permission to be your own top priority. Of course, the best sexual partners will also put your orgasm ahead of their own – at least until it’s their “turn” – but there’s never a guarantee with it. Sometimes, we get greedy – and that’s perfectly OK!

The only problem is that selfishness in the bedroom can be super frustrating to the person who’s tasked with “giving” all the time. Most women aren’t willing to always be the giver; sex should (ideally) satisfy everyone involved.

But when you’re masturbating, you’re the only one involved – so you’re the only one who matters.

Masturbation helps you guide your partner.

Some of us lack confidence with expressing what we want, even if we know exactly what it is. This is because many people are visual thinkers – we don’t think in words, we think in pictures. If you’re not a skilled communicator, you might not be able to translate between the two concepts.

Masturbation helps, because you learn the “directions” through doing, and you can tell your partner how far off they are. You’ve already explored your own personal road map, and you know the difference in feelings. You know where she should go, because you’ve gone “the wrong way” too.

When you masturbate, you’re exploring yourself and becoming more acquainted with your own body. In a lesbian relationship, this can even help to give you ideas about what to do to your partner, because the anatomy is going to be similar.

It should be noted, though, that just because the anatomy is similar doesn’t mean that the turn-ons are going to be exactly the same. Every woman is different, and it’s imperative that you take the time to learn what your partner actually wants – and not just go with what you like. Let it guide you, but let your partner guide you more.

Masturbation helps you stay in-the-moment.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the idea that you should masturbate before a date to keep lust at bay, and focus on the actual person you’re dating. In some ways, this can be translated to the sex as well. If we’re hung up on the idea of getting off, we can become frustrated if we don’t get there quickly.

Whereas if we’ve already gotten ourselves off earlier in the day, we can focus on enjoying the journey.

Of course, a skilled lover will be able to do this anyway – but not everyone has the patience for delayed gratification, and this is where masturbation is so important. We all know that longer sex = better sex in most cases, so trying to race to the finish line isn’t really a great idea.

When you’ve masturbated before your sexual activity (or when you spend a great deal of time getting to know yourself anyway) there’s no rush to climax because you know that, if your partner doesn’t do it for you, you can do it yourself after she leaves or falls asleep.

Masturbation makes sex last longer.

Okay, this is sort of an over-generalization. Typically, the “jacking off means longer sex later” thing is used in reference to men, who have a bit of a “recovery time” for a second orgasm. Women don’t usually have this delay, and in fact the second orgasm usually comes quicker than the first (at least in my experience).

But if you’re deeply connected to your own sexual power, these additional orgasms are more likely – which can be a wonderful, exciting, and passionate experience.

If you’ve never attained multiple orgasms before (or even your first one), masturbation can help you unlock the secrets. Sometimes it’s just a matter of your partner’s lack of skill, which is easy to work around as you begin to teach her things about you.

Masturbating (in front of your partner) is sexy as hell.

If you are already familiar with the idea of multiple orgasms (and maybe you even strive for them) masturbation can help you to prolong the experience simply by being comfortable with the idea of “doing it yourself” in front of her.

Have you ever seen how sexy it is for a woman to play with herself in front of you? It’s pretty hot.

Plus, you’re giving her a chance to take a break, without stopping the action for yourself. Anyone who’s been actively engaging in lesbian sex knows that multiple orgasms will cause muscle fatigue to your partner, whether she admits it or not. If you “take turns” with your sexuality, this fatigue can be kept at bay for even longer.

Masturbation makes you feel sexy.

Ladies, there is really only one way to fully be in charge of your own sex life – and that’s to be your own sexual partner. Sure, the sexual revolution is great, but you’re still at the mercy of your partner if you want to have sex with her.

If you don’t need a partner to feel sexy, you can feel sexy all by yourself. Buy yourself lingerie, and wear it even when you’re alone. Touch yourself while you’re wearing your sexiest outfit, and be your own fantasy. Trust me, this one works wonders.

You won’t have to worry about whether you look OK or not, because no one else is going to see it. You don’t have to worry about how you sound (well, unless you live with someone). You don’t have to worry about anything except making yourself feel good – and that is hot.

Being able to see yourself as a sexy creature is super important for your happiness, because far too few of us are confident enough in our own skin. When you feel sexy all on your own, you’re bound to feel sexier with your partner.

Masturbation makes you feel independent.

As wonderful as it is to have sex with a partner, it can be daunting to feel that you need a partner in order to climax. What happens when the relationship ends? You’re stuck with only yourself. If you don’t orgasm until after you’ve entered a new relationship, you’re going to be cranky, and it’s even possible that you’ll let your sexual frustrations translate to you pursuing someone who’s totally wrong for you.

When you take matters into your own hands, you are freeing yourself from the dependence of another partner. You’re not held down to the idea of being celibate until you meet someone new. You can have sex with yourself as much and as often as you’d like – as long as you’re not neglecting your priorities to do it.

Once upon a time, it was considered taboo for a woman to masturbate, and especially to talk about it. That’s just not true anymore. Have you ever heard of a “pleasure party”? The idea of masturbation is actually a thriving industry, and it can even spell financial independence for some women. Why wouldn’t you want to harness your sexual independence?

The Pros And Cons Of Dating A Pillow Princess

I’m sure at some point in your life, you’ve either known or been a Pillow Princess. For those who don’t know, this term refers to a woman who only receives pleasure from her partner. She doesn’t return the favor (or at least she doesn’t want to – there is room for negotiation, of course.)

While the term elicits a sense of femininity, that’s not always the case. I’ve known “Pillow Bois” in my life too; butch women who don’t like to give pleasure. Maybe it’s less common, as the masculinity assumes a role of dominance for many people, but it’s still a real thing and worthy of note.

For someone who gets the majority of their sexual gratification from providing pleasure to their partner, a Pillow Princess is great – it’s someone who won’t expect to give you something in return, so you can focus on giving her a mind-blowing orgasm without worrying about whether you’ve “maintained” your lady bits as much as you “should” in order to receive sex in return.

But if you’re not primarily a giver, Pillow Princesses can be, understandably, frustrating. After all, she doesn’t want to return the favor, and she won’t hesitate to let you know that it’s really not what she wants to be doing. Most of the time, these women can be convinced to give pleasure to their partners, too, but they might resent the idea.

Wonder if it’s worth dating one of these magical beasts? Read on to find out if the benefits outweigh the costs for you.

Pro: You won’t have to worry about sex hair.

If you’re not on the receiving end of sex, you probably won’t have to fix your hair as much after. Anyone who’s got long hair that’s easily tangled will appreciate that they don’t have to brush out a mess of knots when their hair tie comes out on the pillow. Because… Well, your head won’t be on the pillow.

Con: You won’t get to experience a direct-contact orgasm.

This isn’t a deal-breaker for everyone, as many women are able to achieve orgasm through mental stimulation, such as the type of stimulation you get when you cater to your partner. But for others, this can be frustrating, as you won’t have the physical orgasm – which is usually much stronger and more powerful.

Pro: You get to retain your “virginity”.

The subject of virginity is complicated, especially as it pertains to lesbians. There are a million different ways to define what makes it “sex”, but for many women, virginity is associated with a lack of penetration. If you’d prefer to keep your lady bits a secret until you’re ready to settle down for good, dating a Pillow Princess allows you to do just that – without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.

Con: Sexual frustration can definitely happen.

As the term implies, sexual frustration can be pretty frustrating. It’s not a big deal to everyone, since you’re obviously able to handle things on your own (masturbation is great like that) but if you’re not keen on touching yourself, you’re not going to be pleased with the limitations.

Pro: It’s less to worry about.

While safer sex is always the best option, if you only have to make sure that you’re being safe (and not making sure your partner is, too) you can effectively maximize your control. Less chances for someone skimping on the safety means less chances of getting a sexually transmitted disease.

Con: You’ll probably worry about where you stand.

If you’re not necessarily a “giver”, you could wonder if your partner is really interested in you, since she’s not willing to do for you as you’d do for her. It’s not an exact science, but we tend to associate someone’s willingness to do things for us (sexual, romantic, or otherwise) with how they feel about us – and if they seem to come up short, it can create questions.

Pro: No bad sex.

When you’re dating a Pillow Princess, you don’t have to worry about having bad sex with her – because you won’t be getting any. Bad sex can be more frustrating than no sex, at least to me.

Con: No good sex, either.

You’re not going to have good sex that completely blows your mind. You’re going to be the only one putting out your sexuality, and she’s just going to be eating it up – but not literally of course, because her head is on the pillow the whole time.

Pro: You could be her first.

Some women are deeply aroused by the idea of being the first anything. With Pillow Princesses, you could be the first woman she ever touches – isn’t that a sexy idea?

Con: You’d be her first.

As hot as it is to be someone’s first, there’s some “teaching” that goes along with it – rarely is anyone an expert right away. That experience you might have got when you were a teenager, she’ll just be starting to get now, as an adult. It’s not always a bad thing, but it can be its own source of frustrations.

What do you think I missed? Leave a comment to let me know your thoughts!

WTF?! Scientist Say It’s Time To Stop Masturbating So Much

I’m just going to break the ice and start this piece off by being as honest as I can possibly be: I love to masturbate.

I mean, who doesn’t? It’s relaxing, its pleasurable, and it’s fun.

And in an always-busy, always-bustling city like London, masturbation can be the perfect way to let your hair down once you’ve retreated to your cosy bedroom.

Over the years, science has often indicated that routine masturbation is a good thing. There are verified benefits of a regular release including better energy levels, and lower stress levels.

However, apparently just like any good thing, too much can be harmful.

You may not think so, but orgasms are pretty complicated things. It’s easy to assume that an orgasm is the same no matter how it’s achieved, but that’s not the case.

In a study conducted by Dr. Stuart Brody and Tillman Kruger, it was observed that certain hormones released when you come are greater (some times 400% higher) during sex than masturbation, including oxytocin.

Oxytocin is thought to be released during hugging, touching, and orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and may be involved in the formation of trust between people and generosity.”

So basically, higher levels of oxytocin released in the brain leads to a greater feeling of satisfaction because it offsets dopamine.

Dopamine itself is fine. It’s responsible for our pleasure/reward reactions.

The issue is that when too much dopamine is released too frequently, our brains become desensitized to it.

Any behaviour that floods the brain with dopamine can desensitize us, requiring more of the same behaviour in order to get the same reward.

Brain scans conducted on people with porn addictions found that the part of the brain that lights up is the same part that lights up when a heroin addict has just injected heroin. Yikes.

So masturbation does a great job of flooding the brain with dopamine but it doesn’t produce much oxytocin, which combats the dopamine. This makes excessive masturbation dangerously addictive. Excessive dopamine can even make your brain more stressed out.

Dr. N.K.Lin, adds

Since dopamine is the precursor to the stress hormone epinephrine (adrenaline), excess dopamine results in the adrenal glands overproducing epinephrine and putting the body in a prolonged state of fight-or-flight stress. At the same time, norepinephrine is synthesized from dopamine and released from the adrenal medulla into the blood as a hormone, along with the stress hormone cortisol.”

Epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol fuel the fight-or-flight response, directly increasing heart rate, triggering the release of glucose from energy stores, and increasing blood flow to skeletal muscle. All of this has a severely taxing effect on the body.”

Party poopers

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What’s The Most Intimate Display of Affection?

Intimacy is weird. There are people who are super great at sharing themselves fully with their partners, and there are others who can’t be bothered to try. For those of us who are not so good at it but looking to try new things, it can be intimidating territory.

Personally, I’m terrible at showing my partners affection, and it’s really not because I don’t want to. I’m pretty romantic most of the time – at least in my head. The only problem is I have a hard time translating that to my body.

I know I’m not alone, either.  It’s estimated that approximately 97% of couples are lacking when it comes to intimacy, and it’s not always from a lack of trying – more often, it’s coming from miscommunication and it doesn’t always mean that they’re not having enough sex.

Are you having the sex you want to have?

As many as 75% of people are not having the sex they fantasize about, simply because they’re not telling their partner their fantasies. 51% of people are embarrassed or ashamed of their fantasies, and don’t share them out of fear of judgment. If your partner cares about you, it seems silly to be ashamed to admit your desires – especially when you consider that these numbers refer to people in committed, long-term relationships.

If you are embarrassed about sharing your desires with your partner, you might think that it’s an discomfort with your own kinks, but in all actuality, it’s more likely that you’re uncomfortable with your sexuality in general. As women, we are often taught from a young age that we must allow ourselves to be seen as sexual objects while remaining “pure” in our reputations. This can turn into quite a conundrum as we explore our own sexuality.

There’s a paradox built into these numbers, though. An estimated 80% of people want to share their sexual fantasies with their partner – which is a large enough for some overlap with those who are embarrassed to do so. The obvious answer is to open up, but sometimes that’s easier said than done.

When we offer ourselves completely to our partner through communication, we are allowing her to see parts of ourselves that we don’t share with the rest of the world. In an age where sexuality is often on display, it’s nice to reserve this type of intimacy for someone close to us.

But does that mean that your fantasies make up the most intimate form of affection?

Are you laying your heart and soul in the open?

Talking obviously goes much further than just sex, and opening ourselves up to our partner emotionally is a great way to strengthen our bond. Gritty, raw emotion is something else that we as women are told to keep to ourselves. When a woman displays “too much emotion” in public, onlookers may subconsciously assign excuses to her.

“She must be on her period.”

“Wow, she sure is sensitive.”

“She must be crazy – look how she reacted to _____!”

It’s sort of funny, when you think about it, because these types of assumptions would royally piss us off if we knew we were on the receiving end, too. We pass judgment on others without even thinking about it, but we become defensive if we know others are judging us, too. It can become a vicious cycle if you let it.

Note that this doesn’t just apply to women, either, although there is a bit of misogyny associated with the phenomenon. After all, men who exhibit similar emotions will undoubtedly have some witnesses who assume that they must be effeminate or prissy. It’s definitely not a female phenomenon, but it’s associated with femininity.

For butch women, this adds an extra layer to the emotional wall – butch women are expected to refrain from “feminine” behaviors, which means that they’re often cast out if they display any. Butch women are expected to be strong and sturdy. The obvious issue here is that they have feelings, too, and they deserve the right to express them freely.

Ladies and gentlestuds, let me tell you. If you’re not sharing your feelings with your partner, you’re leaving her to guess them – and we are not all exactly mind readers. Some women might not even care to know your emotions, but that’s not generally a sign that your emotions are wrong – it’s a sign you’re with the wrong woman.

So, does this mean talking is the most intimate way to show your affection?

Are you kissing your partner as much as you can?

Even in completely happy relationships, after some time, the urge to touch each other diminishes. It’s not that you don’t want your partner, it’s just that you have other things going on – possibly even important things like work or school or raising children. But it’s important that you find time to kiss your partner, as often as you find the opportunity.

I know I’m bad at this myself. I’ve often said that I don’t even really like kissing – I’ve had partners who I dated for months and only kissed once or twice during the entire time. I’ve had a partner I dated for years, who I probably only kissed a handful of times during the last year or so of the relationship. Kissing just feels weird to me if I’m not 100% sure about the person.

Believe it or not, that’s exactly why it’s so important to kiss your partner. You know how that first kiss in any rom-com brings sparks, fireworks, celebrations, and that extra-special foot raise? Yeah… Kissing shows you the chemistry in the relationship. When you’re fighting, it reminds you of your love. When you’re making love, it reminds you of your bond. When you’re sick, it brings you comfort.

There are a million types of kisses, and each has its rightful place – and will feel all wrong if the situation isn’t right for it.

Our lips have nerve endings in them that directly correlate with our mental state, our sexual attraction, and even our maternal instincts. Those of you who were raised by a mother-figure or a grandmother-figure (which, it’s important to realize, is not always the same as a biological mother or grandmother) may remember her kissing your face to determine whether you had a fever. Those who had this growing up are likely to be calmed by it as adults – and those who didn’t have it as children are likely to yearn for it later in life. This is probably why most people feel a sense of calm when someone they love kisses them on the forehead or cheek.

The particular sensitivity of our lips is something that makes an obvious connection to sexual attraction and satisfaction, too. After all, it’s widely assumed that someone who is a bad kisser is also a bad lover. (Do you think that has anything to do with why lesbians notoriously have better sex than straight women? Hmm. Maybe it’s in the tongue.)

Additionally, kissing is linked to our emotional state as well, being one of the catalysts for oxytocin production. This particular brain chemical is responsible for bonding, and is also produced during orgasm, childbirth, and even cuddling. By definition, anything that produces oxytocin is an intimate activity – so what makes kissing so special?

Kissing is open-ended.

Compared to many other forms of intimacy, there’s no implied destination when it comes to kissing. It can be the whole journey, a form of foreplay, a goodbye, a gesture of good will… The opportunities are limitless.

When you are communicating (verbally) with someone, there are two main objectives: Either you are trying to understand the other person, or you are trying to be heard. Occasionally there may be a third goal (hearing your own voice) but we try not to focus on that one since it’s not really productive. While communication is necessary for a healthy relationship, it understandably has its limits.

Having sex with someone opens the doors to intimacy a little wider, but it’s still largely limited. In sex, your goals are to a) bring your partner pleasure; b) bring yourself pleasure; and often c) exchange pleasure with your partner. It implies a greater amount of trust than a conversation, although that trust can definitely be initiated by liquid courage. Still, it’s not exactly the biggest indicator of happiness – you can have sex every single day and still not be fulfilled.

Kissing, on the other hand, doesn’t come with a predefined list of goals. In some cultures, kissing the face of your friends is considered the fondest greeting, while in other cultures you are expected to have your first non-familial kiss on your wedding day. These aren’t the only two possibilities, either – there are literally hundreds of reasons why you might kiss someone, and just as many places and ways to kiss them as well.

Kissing is naked and honest.

You can’t fake a kiss. It’s honest and true, and it’s up for debate whether you can improve your kissing ability. It’s largely accepted that each person has their own kissing style, and not all styles are compatible – just as not all sexual chemistries are compatible. You can’t really pretend to be into a kiss if you’re not; your body most likely won’t let you.

Think back to the romantic movies you’ve watched. In the loving scenes where the characters share their first kiss, which ones stick out to you? There are bound to be some that just looked so genuine and pure – and often it’s revealed when the movie is in post-production that the characters are actually romantically involved. Do you think this is a coincidence?

Even professional actors have a hard time selling a “fake” kiss. Kissing is a way to lay open your soul to someone without saying a single word. There’s a multi-billion-dollar international industry suggesting that sex just doesn’t offer the same type of connection.

Kissing is intimate because it’s completely genuine. In a world full of artificial things and half-hearted promises, kissing remains its own unique language. In this language there are no lies, no secrets, and no expectations. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everything were that simple?

7 Things Besides Sex That Will Give You The Same Feeling As An Orgasm

When we think of the pleasure of an orgasm, we usually think of sexual release. But what would you say if I told you there were other things that could give you the same type of pleasure? Believe it or not, you don’t have to have sex to receive that type of stimulation – we have compiled 7 different sensations that affect your mind and body the same way.

1          Meditation

The verdict is still out on the overall benefits of meditation, but there are many people who swear by meditation as a path to tranquility. It’s not hard to begin finding similarities to a sexual orgasm, but in this case the experience is more spiritual than physical.

Both sex and meditation have the ability to free us from our conscious thoughts, and research shows that the two activities both increase the blood flow to the prefrontal cortex. Meditation and sex both bring the user to a state of bliss while distracting us from our pain, stress, and body consciousness.

2        Exercise

You’ve probably heard of the “runner’s high”, but there may be more to it than that. Separate studies, performed by NY Magazine as well as Indiana University, found that as many as 40% of women may be able to experience a feeling similar to an orgasm while performing certain types of exercise.

The exercises responsible for this phenomenon might be different from one woman to another, but most often the exercises involved include abdominal strengthening, cardiovascular activity (which increases the blood flow to the vagina), and many exercises which involved tight clothing that may rub against the sensitive areas.

3        Childbirth

Although we don’t typically want to associate our children with orgasms (and for good reason), some women experience a phenomenon called an “orgasmic birth”. In this scenario, the baby’s head will push against the same places inside the mother that would be stimulated during intense sexual activity. This causes a pleasure that helps to counteract some of the pain otherwise involved in childbirth.

An estimated 3% of births will result in this type of orgasm, which is likely assisted by the body’s production of oxytocin – the same bonding chemical that is released when we reach climax with a sexual partner. This hormone is released in order to help the mother form a bond with her baby, and along with beta-endorphins and prolactin create a type of molecular ecstasy.

4        Dreams

Most women are aware that there is a direct connection between their imagination and their sexual stimulation. However, what most aren’t aware of is that genital stimulation is sometimes triggered by completely non-sexual thoughts. This often happens during REM sleep, while our brain is mostly shut down – while simultaneously having increased circulation to the vaginal and pelvic area.

When we think of wet dreams, we typically think of a sexual experience, but unlike men, women do not require direct genital stimulation or particularly erotic thoughts to encourage this type of nocturnal release. (Although they certainly don’t hurt!) The research on this particular phenomenon goes all the way back to 1953, when it was reported that as many as 37% of women are able to orgasm this way.

5        Sounds

Of course the sound of her partner moaning will likely bring a woman closer to orgasm – but for some women, other sounds (such as whispering and the tapping of fingernails) can elicit a fantasy response in the female brain – even if there is no direct sexual connection to be made to the sound.

This particular phenomenon is referred to as an automatic sensory meridian response, or ASMR for short. While this isn’t exactly like an orgasm, it can produce the same sorts of tingles that you might experience in the middle of sexual activity – and it’s not only from sounds, either. Some women feel these tingles while having their hair played with, having their makeup done, or getting an eye exam.

6        Sneezing

I’m sure we’ve all seen that meme that claims that a sneeze is basically 1/10 of an orgasm. Well, as silly as that sounds, there’s actually some truth to it – at least for many people. While there isn’t a lot of scientific evidence to back this one up, there are some significant similarities between the two activities.

First, the nose (like the genitals) contain erectile tissue, so anatomically they are more similar than you might think. Second, both orgasms and sneezes release endorphins in the brain – the “feel-good” hormones that are also associated with “coregasms” (#2). Lastly, they both imply a sense of build-up and then a release, which eliminates the frustrations associated. Scientists might not confirm this one, but we sure do.

7         Shopping

Do you know a woman who is really, really into shopping? Well, science explains that one, too – Focus News determined that when we find a good deal shopping, our brain chemistry shows the same reactions as having mind-blowing sex. The same outlet reported that overspending can create the exact opposite reactions, though, so only savvy shoppers are going to feel this one.

Of course, this phenomenon won’t extend to every woman – so if you’re not really a shopper, most likely you can’t pick this one up just by starting now. Wouldn’t it be great if you could, though!

This list is in no way conclusive – there are millions of things that cause a similar type of release, but they are different from woman to woman. What are some of yours?

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21 Reasons To Wait For Sex

There are a million and one opinions on when the “right time” to have sex with a new partner is. Basically, people care way too much about things that have nothing to do with them, right? Well, while the right time for everyone is different, there are a few reasons waiting might not be such a bad idea.

1. We’ve become desensitized.

The majority of the mainstream media is filled with songs making it seem like sex is no big deal. What’s more is that, for many people, it really isn’t. Sex used to be something reserved for the most special person in your life – and nowadays many people will jump into bed with whoever offers.

Okay, that’s an unfair generalization, but most of the stigmas around sex are starting to fall away. Trust me, that’s not a bad thing – but we are so desensitized to our own sexualization that many people are left completely unimpressed by any sexual activity.

Name a kink, and I’ll bet you can think of someone who practices it without batting an eye. Once upon a time, you had to search deep to find people’s sexual interests – but these days, people actually share porn to the Facebook profiles their grandmother follows. It’s crazy how far we’ve come.

Again, this is a severe generalization, but the moral of the story is the same: People are less sensitive about sex. Ironically, sex is supposed to be one of the most sensitive things you can do. Taking a step back can help you appreciate the little things more.

2. We don’t leave ourselves mysteries anymore.

“She loved mysteries so much she became one.” Ah, John Green, how you took the words straight out of my mouth. But isn’t it such a beautiful thought that we could be mysterious to the person we’re dating – a special enigma for them to sort out?

When we give ourselves to our partner sexually, we are often taking away their ability to imagine us – to picture what lies beneath the surface. You shouldn’t be so mysterious that you become an outcast (if you can avoid it), but keeping something a secret for just a while longer is nice.

When you leave things up to the imagination, it will draw interest – providing you’re not doing it dishonestly. Mysteries are cool, lies are not.

3. We still have time.

What’s the rush to have sex, anyway? You’ve got your whole life for that – or at least your whole relationship. Lesbians aren’t as prone to sexual disabilities as heterosexual couples (think erectile dysfunction for example) so there’s no rush to be ready. Take your time and smell the roses!

4. It’s hard to learn about each other when we’re naked.

While it’s true that sex is one of the many keys of intimacy in a relationship, it makes other forms of intimacy a little more difficult. Have you ever tried to focus on someone’s personality when you have a vagina in your face? It doesn’t usually work out so well.

That’s not to say that you can’t get to know each other after having sex, too, but doing things this way gives the chance of regretting the encounter – as well as the possibility that the relationship will only ever be sexual. If you don’t mind taking that risk, feel free to ignore my advice.

5. There’s nothing wrong with not being ready.

Not too long ago, most people waited until they were married to have sex with their partner. Okay, so we’ve made a lot of strides for equality since then – but now those who haven’t had sex are seen as an oddity. Some people even claim you can’t know your sexuality unless you’ve tried all your options.

I’m a strong advocate for the “don’t knock it ‘till you try it” approach to romance and sex, but that doesn’t mean that virgins are doing it wrong, or that they can’t know what they want. There are no rules when it comes to sex (as long as it’s between consenting adults), so pressuring someone to have sex before they’re ready is pretty pointless.

Try to think of something actually wrong in the world, and the 24-year-old who’s never taken her panties off for someone doesn’t seem so bad. People are ready at different times and there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.

6. Sexual manipulation is still manipulation.

Many people may feel pressured to have sex before they’re ready because “it’s what you do”. But no one has rights over your body but you, and letting someone dictate what you do with it is allowing yourself to be controlled. If you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel pressured to get there.

7. Delaying gratification improves appreciation.

That’s basically my obnoxious way of saying “nothing worth having comes without patience”. You do have to work for the things you want, but sometimes the hardest work is investing in your future. Our society is so hung up on the idea of instant gratification that we often settle for a lesser experience because it means we can have it right away.

Hey, I get it – sometimes you just don’t want to wait. But if you knew you’d be sacrificing your satisfaction if you were impatient – would you still want it right now?

8. A polite “not yet” shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

If the person you’re seeing doesn’t respect you enough to wait until you’re ready, she’s not going to respect you after you give it up, either. You can compromise to find a time that meets both of your needs – but your partner shouldn’t demand to get their way.

9. Romance is still a thing.

If we’re looking for sex right away, chances are we’re throwing the idea of romance out the window. Not that there’s anything wrong with sex, or even sex without love – but sometimes, you want to know that it’s more than that.

A partner who pushes for sex too early in the relationship is showing that they don’t want to work for it, and the partner that gives into this push is showing that she doesn’t feel worthy of being loved. I’m definitely not saying that you can’t love someone you’ve had casual sex with, but the chances of it working out aren’t as good.

With less than 15% of relationships classified as an “overall success” (when quantified by things like marriage, happiness, and longevity), why would you want to jeopardize those numbers any further?

10. Closer bond = more comfortable = better sex.

It’s basic sexual compatibility. When you have an emotional connection with someone, sex with them is going to be even better. Skill and technique still play into it, for sure, but since one of the primary chemicals in the brain during sex is the same as what’s present during a cuddle session, your body can (easily) be trained to be more responsive to your partner.

Beyond that, a closer bond with your partner will make it easier for you to communicate your desires with her – which can result in better sex, too. A partner that cares about your overall happiness, and not just whether you get off or not, is more likely to work towards the bigger picture. This, my friends, is one endless cycle that just keeps getting better.

11. Think quality, not quantity.

The more times you experience something, the less special it is. This extends to every “first” in particular – in this case, your first time having sex with a new partner. If you’ve had “first time sex” 20 times, it’s only 1/20 as special as if you’d only had it once.

I’m not saying that we should only have one sexual partner in our lives. Honestly, I think I’m getting pretty close to that 20-mark myself. But if I had the chance to do it all over again, there are definitely a few I wouldn’t do the second time around. They just weren’t worth the effort I put forth to make it happen.

Far be it for me to get in the way of your desires, but when you look back on your past experiences, don’t you want to say that all of your experiences had happy endings?

12. You don’t have to wait forever.

There’s a difference between waiting a minute and saving yourself – and that line should be yours to define.

13. Awkward sex is… Well, awkward.

The more comfortable you are with a person, the less the likelihood that the sex is going to be weird. There’s always the chance that your girlfriend is going to be into something you’re not, but exploring those things as a solid couple is definitely going to be less awkward than exploring them as acquaintances.

While awkwardness isn’t necessarily a bad thing, the confidence that comes from a solid partnership can help prevent it from biting you in the face.

14. We forget about kissing.

When you rush into sex, there’s a potential to forget about kissing. And you should never forget about kissing – it’s awesome. When you skip straight to sex, you skip past the fun of making out like teenagers. After all, don’t we all wish we were 18 again?

(No? Just me?)

15. Sex isn’t everything.

Focusing on sex makes it difficult to see the value in anything else – and can lead to a sex addiction in certain cases. It might not be as dangerous of an addiction as, say, opiates and alcohol – but as a general rule, everything is better in moderation.

If you focus on sex, it can cause the whole relationship to focus on sex – and that can eventually be damaging to your psychological well-being. Do you want to send the message that your partner is only good for one thing in your eyes? Chances are, you don’t – so don’t do it!

16. Love is best without expectations.

Most people don’t like the idea of their partner “demanding” things from them, but they might consider “expecting” to be a grey area. When you allow your partner to define your roles for you, you’re implying you’d rather be a part of something than be your own person. Life (and love) are better when you don’t try to squeeze into a mold.

If everyone did what was expected of them, some of us wouldn’t be here today – because our parents might not have met in the first place. Isn’t that an intriguing though!

17. Relationships take time to grow.

Just like children, flowers, and even bread dough, there is a period of time when a relationship should focus on growing – rather than becoming something else. There’s not always a concrete timeline, but rushing things along will obviously mess things up.

Children who aren’t allowed to be kids grow into cynical adults. Plants that are overexposed to the sunlight produce awful-tasting fruit. Dough that isn’t allowed to rise will just be all wrong. What makes you think relationships are exempt from this phenomenon?

18. Sex can cloud our judgment.

If it wasn’t true, we wouldn’t have phrases like “the walk of shame” or “coyote ugly”. Maybe they’re a bit harsh, but it’s true – sometimes our hormones can make the wrong person look oh so right. You shouldn’t go shopping when you’re hungry, you shouldn’t go to the bar when you’re angry, and you shouldn’t have sex when you’re not sure – it can lead to poor choices if you do.

19. Our brain wants us to think sex = love.

Of course, we’re all smart enough to know that sex and love are not mutually exclusive concepts. But our brain doesn’t know that, and it doesn’t want us to know that, either.

There’s a slew of chemicals that your brain produces when you reach climax that are also produced when you feel love and joy. Cuddling, happy memories, sex, childbirth – all make our brain produce a combination of hormones and natural highs that tell us we’re in heaven. But the funny thing is that the same process goes on for a number of crazy reasons – for some women, even shopping can cause this type of pleasure.

Does this mean we fall in love every time we feel that “tingle”?

Not exactly, but the chemical reaction is basically the same. It’s even been likened to an addiction to hard drugs – and these things can be equally addicting.

20. But sex isn’t love.

And love isn’t always sex, either. There are no guarantees when it comes to these things, and just because you give your body to someone doesn’t always mean they get to keep it, any more than loving someone means they own you. There are going to be grey areas. There are even going to be some WTF moments.

Being able to distinguish between love, lust, and everything else is a part of becoming a better partner – whether you’re currently with someone or not. The more experience you have making those distinctions, the easier it becomes to tell them apart – and that’s a happy feeling.

21. Because you can!

Hey, the whole moral of all of this is that sex is your decision, but really it’s a bit deeper than that. In all honesty, you’re only responsible for one person’s happiness.

Your own.

You can’t please everyone – and you can’t serve others from an empty cup. You have to love yourself, know yourself, and be your own lover before you can expect to offer those things to another person. You can’t ever really make someone happy – you can only influence them to be happy when you’re around, and act in ways that make them happy to think of you.

By the same token, that means that some blog post on the internet shouldn’t tell you that you can’t have sex. That’s not what I’m hoping to do here. My goal is simply to inform you that you have options. Your past doesn’t determine your future, and you can change your image whenever it suits you.

Tired of waiting for sex and want to get lucky? Go forth and get your luckiest. Tired of keeping things casual and ready for a deep relationship? Step out of the scene and let love find you. Your happiness should be your number one priority.

Take care, and be good to each other!

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9 Types Of Sex You Have During the First Year Of A Lesbian Relationship

New relationships are crazy territory. While your heart’s aflutter with the new love (or is it lust?) and your stomach is full of butterflies, there’s going to be a day when you come to have sex. The “right time” is different for everyone, but most people will have sex with a partner within the first year of dating – many giving into the temptation much sooner.

Even if everyone was on the same sex schedule, though, there is a variety of different sex you’ll have. First, everyone has a different sexual style, which of course factors in to some of the differences – but more than that, there are different types of sex that appeal to different stages of the relationship, and everyone will reach these stages at a different time point.

How many of these can you say you did in the first year with your partner?

1.     Awkward Sex

Particularly if either you or your partner had never had sex before, the first time can be super awkward sometimes. Not everyone goes through this awkward phase, but those who do need to know that it’s not uncommon – in fact, most people experience awkward sex sometimes. Sometimes this awkward sex continues long after you and your partner have become more comfortable with each other – and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

The awkwardness of first time sex comes mostly from our mind telling us that we’re not ready. Even if we feel (hormonally) way overdue for sex, the truth is that sometimes our mind and our body don’t want to work together. When this “disagreement” happens, sex can be really weird.

2.     Passionate Sex

In a perfect world, all sex would be passionate, we’d all get off every time, and no one would ever be unsatisfied. But the truth is, it doesn’t always work out that way – and that’s okay, too. Passionate sex happens when your body and your mind are in complete sync, and you can’t stand the thought of waiting even another second for it.

Passionate sex is one of the most fulfilling types of sex, because it makes us feel wanted, loved, and used – in the best sense of each word. While we might like to think of ourselves as dignified and classy, sometimes you just want to be used for sex. As long as the person “using” us cares deeply about us, too (whether it’s true love or not), there’s nothing wrong with being a plaything.

3.     Finally-Figured-It-Out Sex

This is the sex that lets you know you’ve got your technique down with this partner. For some of us who might have more experience, we’d expect this sex to come early on in the relationship, but that’s not necessarily the case. Each partner you have will have different wants, needs, and turn-ons, and it might take you a little while to get used to the change.

Sometimes, the partners will be totally in sync and they’ll figure out what works for them right away. It’s great when that happens, but you shouldn’t fret if it doesn’t. Sex is a complicated process and you shouldn’t be in a rush to skip to the end. Take your time getting to know your partner. Treat each new partner as if she was your first – because, after all, she’s the first partner of the rest of your life – right?

4.     Not the Best, But Not Bad Sex

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but… Not every sexual experience will be a 10. Even if your partner has gotten you off a hundred times before, there’s going to be the occasional hint of mediocrity. You shouldn’t let this bother you, if it’s an occasional thing.

If you notice your partner no longer has the ability to make you orgasm (after examining a large “sample period”, it might be worth bringing up to her – maybe she thinks she’s getting the job done. If you don’t tell her she’s not, you have no one to blame but yourself.

5.     Quickie Sex

Some people really, really like quickies. They’re great when you’re just looking to get it over with and you don’t care about all that mushy stuff. As long as they’re not making up most of your sexual encounters (hint: romance is still important too), there’s nothing wrong with rushing things every now and then.

The thing you need to realize is that not all women respond to quickie sex. Some women take a long time to get warmed up, so unless you’ve been teasing for quite a while (sexting can help here) that quickie just isn’t going to get the job done for her. Make sure you talk to your partner to make sure she’s satisfied!

6.     Silly Sex

Even those of us who like to think of ourselves as “strictly business” have had sex that results in us laughing more than we’re moaning. Sometimes it’s awkward, but if you and your partner are comfortable with each other, it doesn’t have to be.

I’m a firm believer that you have to be able to laugh with your partner – no matter what the situation may be. (Okay, maybe not during a funeral or something, but you get the idea.) If you can’t have “silly sex” with your partner, you might not be with the right person. It’s not something you can force.

7.     New Turn-On Sex

One great thing about having different sexual partners in your lifetime is that you’re bound to pick up on things that you’ve never tried before. When you pick the ones you like and share them with a new partner (assuming your partner is willing to try – make sure you communicate first!), you both might be surprised at the things that get your juices flowing.

For most things, you don’t know whether you like something or not until you try it – and that definitely holds true for sex. Fantasies are all over the board, and sometimes we don’t think about them once we’ve come up with a couple ideas that work for us. By introducing your partner to something they’ve never tried before, you might find something that makes you both enjoy it a lot more.

8.     Fantasy Sex

Every now and then, you’re going to picture someone else when you’re having sex. This might make you feel guilty, or awkward, or a number of different emotions – but generally, it’s not a bad thing. As long as you’re still content having sex with your partner and just imagining someone else, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Humans, by nature, fantasize.

Most of the time we think about fantasies as they relate to our sex lives. But I’ll bet you’ve even eaten something and imagined eating something else. Does it mean what you’re eating isn’t good? No, it just means you’re thinking about something else. Do you feel like you’re cheating on your sandwich if you’re thinking about cheesecake? I doubt it.

9.     Bad Sex

Bad sex is a subjective issue – and it’s something that happens to everyone sometimes. If you think you’ve never had bad sex, chances are you’ve got a previous partner who wasn’t completely honest with you. Sex isn’t always going to be good.

The good news is that bad sex can usually be “fixed” with a little communication. Very rarely is it due to a lack of skill. Usually, it’s just that you two are into different things, and one partner is afraid to hurt the other one’s feelings, so she keeps quiet. In the first year, you might not read your partner well enough to understand when she’s trying to save your feelings – that comes in time.

No matter what order you take these different types of sex in, you should be communicating with your partner to make sure the two of you are on the same page. After all, you can’t just expect things to work out on their own – you need to talk about what you like and dislike. No one is a mind reader, despite what they may think. Expecting your partner to read your mind is setting yourself up for failure.

The only “truly” bad sex is bad sex that never gets better – everything can be worked around as long as you’re willing to try!

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18 Reasons Why We Turn Down Sex (When We Actually Really Want It)

Sex is a complex issue for many women. We love it, but we want it on our own terms. Yet sometimes, just because we want sex doesn’t mean we really need it.

In fact, there are a number of reasons you should say no – even if you really, really want to say yes.

1. You’ve just broken up “for good”.

I think we’ve all been there at least once – you and your lady break up, “for real this time”, but you’re still super attracted to one another. And after all, you don’t want to go out and find someone new, just to have sex with them. But if you think that you and your ex are really done, adding sex back into the mix is just going to confuse the issue. Don’t do it.

2. You’ve got an upset stomach.

Ladies, we know we probably shouldn’t be overly active when we’ve got an upset stomach. If you’re nauseous or – heaven forbid – things are threatening to come out the other side, it’s best if you say no to sex. It doesn’t matter how much you want it. If your upset stomach evacuates on your partner, they may never want to have sex with you again. Just don’t risk it.

3. You’ve got gas.

Apparently there are some people who are turned on by flatulence. If you’re dating one of those women, this isn’t really going to apply to you. But for the vast majority of women, a little toot to the face is enough to kill the mood – best not to risk it.

4. You’ve got a UTI.

We know we should say no if there’s any type of infection down there, but sometimes that can be hard to remember. Think about this: The more foreign matter you introduce to the already-present infection, the longer it’s going to last. Wouldn’t it just be better to wait a few days?

5. You’re sharing a room with someone.

Whether you’re staying with family for a visit or you’re sharing a hotel with your BFFs, it can be difficult to resist the urge to sneak in a quickie while they’re sleeping. In fact, some women may be turned on by the risk of being caught. But chances are, if the person who might catch you is someone you know and you’ll have to deal with in the future, risking them seeing you having sex with your lady is going to be incredibly awkward, now and in the future.

6. You don’t really like her.

It’s one thing if you’re irritated with her, but to actually not like your lover at all – it’s probably best if you don’t have sex with her. I know that physical attraction can be overwhelming sometimes, but if your partner is someone who you’re not going to have anything in common with outside of the bedroom, having sex with her simply based on how she looks is really not a good idea.

7. She’s cheating on her partner.

Note that there is a big difference between “cheating” and “polyamory”. If all partners involved are aware of the fact that there are other partners, it’s safe to proceed. But do you really want to be the side chick? People who intentionally meddle with someone who’s already spoken for are just as low as the people who are lying to their partners. Don’t be that person.

8. You’d be cheating on your partner.

This falls in almost the same category as #7. If you have a partner who is not okay with you seeing other people, you shouldn’t be with other people – or you shouldn’t be with her. There are a multitude of people out there who embrace a polyamorous lifestyle. If you can’t be monogamous, find one of those people instead of hurting someone else.

9. Either one of you is too drunk.

Drunk sex can be a lot of fun – but it can also be a lot of confusion. I have a personal rule that I won’t have sex with someone if there’s any chance that the intentions could be misconstrued. Too drunk to send a coherent text message? You’re probably too drunk for sex, too. Just say no.

10. You don’t know her name.

This is actually a more blanket statement than it sounds like. If you don’t know the first thing about your new lover, it’s best if you don’t get wrapped up in sex with her. After all, if you don’t even know her name (or how old she is, or whether she really likes women…) you’re setting yourself up for a bad reputation. Truly, reputations can be unfair, but why would you intentionally do something to ruin yours?

11. You have responsibilities.

It can be tough to turn down sex when you really want it, but you’re running late for something “more important”. If you’ve got to ditch your responsibilities in order to have sex with someone, that’s a sign that your priorities are out of whack, and could be a sign of a psychological dependence on sex. Do your best to avoid it.

12. She’s underage.

The laws surrounding the age of consent vary from region to region, and in some cases they may be different for same-sex couples than they are for opposite-sex couples. Be sure that you know the laws in your area; even if both partners are willing participants, if the law says she can’t consent, you can get in a lot of trouble.

13. You can’t talk about it.

Some women are shy – I totally get it; after all, I’m pretty shy myself. But if you can’t handle the idea of discussing sex with your partner (including safer sex, your desires, and your personal boundaries), you can’t handle actually having sex with her. Some people may not agree with this, but whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, sex is a big decision and it comes with a lot of responsibility. Don’t let the heat of the moment stop you from making an informed decision.

14. She’s an asshole.

Some women may be attracted to women who are mean, rude, obscene, or any number of things. If you think she’s a jerk, you shouldn’t be sleeping with her – even if you’re in a relationship with her. (Of course, you shouldn’t be with anyone who’s not good to you anyway, but that’s another subject entirely.)

15. You’re not over your ex.

Rebound sex is one of those things that can cause a tremendous amount of uncertainty for people. Truly, it can lead to deeper emotional problems down the road. If you’re not over your last lady yet, you shouldn’t try to push yourself to sleep with someone new – it’ll only end up hurting you in the end.

16. You’re really tired.

Technically, sleep is a responsibility. It can be tempting sometimes to squeeze in a quickie before you fall asleep – but there will always be a chance of falling asleep during the quickie, and that’s not sexy – at all. It’s best if you wait until you’re more rested.

17. You haven’t had a shower in days.

I’ve recently become aware that there are people who are greatly aroused by the idea of “dirty sex” – the smellier, the better. But unless you’re actually dating one of those people (and you know that they like it like that), you should wait until you’ve had a chance to clean yourself up. Of course, skipping a day every now and then isn’t likely to be an issue, but if you’re preoccupied by the idea that you smell – down there or anywhere else – you’re not going to enjoy the sex. Luckily, this one usually only takes about ten minutes to not be an issue anymore – just take a shower!

18. You’re in a public place and could get arrested.

Okay, okay. I’ll admit that I’ve had sex in public places. A lot, actually. It’s not always so horrible – if done carefully, there may be very little chance of being caught (while still maintaining the sexiness of the risk). But if you’re somewhere you could easily be caught, it’s important to remember that most places consider public indecency to be a sexual offense – meaning you could be labeled a sex offender for the rest of your life if you’re caught in the act. If you’re turned on by the idea of public sex, make sure you’re doing it somewhere you won’t get caught by the police. It can ruin your entire life if you’re not careful!

What Happens When Not Enough Sex is a Relationship Deal Breaker

Sex can be a tricky subject when it comes to someone new. Sometimes, one partner may be incredibly shy about the subject of sex, and may even put off sex for as long as possible in order to make sure the other person is “worthy” of their sexual attention. Of course, this is a generalized statement; there are a million reasons for not rushing into sex, and they are all valid.

There are others who may have sex right away – maybe even before a formal relationship is present – and they may have sexual needs that never seem to be met. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a horn dog or a pervert, it just means that they have a high sex drive.

So what happens when these two people end up in a relationship together and they must determine how to compromise their needs and desires?

Sexual compatibility is a vital part of a healthy relationship.

Just because you have a high sex drive and your partner doesn’t, doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. Sexuality is a broad spectrum and there is no single right or wrong answer. But if your needs are far apart and it’s difficult to find a compromise, you might not be right for each other.

For those with a lower sex drive, they might not understand how sex can be so important for some people – but for those on the higher end, they can’t understand why it’s not important to their partner. In a perfect world, it would be just as important to both of you – but that’s not automatic. You actually have to find someone whose needs are compatible with yours.

Sexual compatibility is often discovered after the initial attachment.

In situations where the couple doesn’t have sex right away, you might be together for quite awhile before you realize that you’re not compatible with one another. It can cause distress to the two of you – the partner who wants it less may feel that they’re unable to satisfy the one who wants it more, and the one who wants it more can fear that they’re over-sexualized.

It can be incredibly difficult to bring it up tactfully, too. After all, we are taught that sex is intimacy, and we don’t want to talk about it until we feel an intimate closeness with someone – but what if it’s too late to spare yourself then?

Sexual compatibility may change over time.

Sometimes this is referred to as “bed death”, but the truth is that most people want sex, at least occasionally. It never really “dies” – it just might go dormant sometimes.

There are a number of factors that can influence someone’s libido. For example, if they have had their sexual needs neglected for some time, many women are inclined to want it more – but then once their needs have been “caught up”, their desire may taper off. This can appear to their partner as if they are no longer interested, but the reality is that they still want to be interested, it’s just not a priority for them.

What about open relationships?

Sometimes, an open relationship may seem like the perfect answer to sexual compatibility problems. Some people choose an open relationship as a way to indulge the fantasies that their partner is unable or unwilling to offer them. Other times, people may seek an open relationship when one partner has a higher sex drive than their partner – having an “other” to have sex with can take some of the pressure off of the less sexual partner.

However, open relationships aren’t a cure-all. There is always a chance of jealousy, particularly on the end of the partner who isn’t getting as much out of it. If the partner who wants it less finds themselves having more sex with their “other”, for example, the partner with the higher sex drive may feel that they are to blame. Other times, the person who wants it less may have a hard time understanding why they’re not enough for their partner.

Open relationships definitely aren’t for everyone, and they should be based on honesty. There is a difference between an open relationship and “dating around”, and those specifics must be worked out between you and your partner, should you decide to take on the challenge.

Should we just break up?

Well… Maybe. If the partner with the higher sex drive is inflexible with their sexual demands, or the partner with the lower sex drive is inflexible with their sexual willingness (and neither wants to share), it might be easiest to just step away.

It should be noted that just because you aren’t sexually happy with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be sexually satisfied. The truth is that everyone has different needs and wants, and just because we want to be compatible with someone doesn’t mean we always will be. Sometimes, we’re just not right for each other.

What if we’re in love?

Of course, if you’re in love with your partner, but not willing to compromise on your sexual agreement (whatever it may be), it’s likely that at least one of you will be miserable. Holding onto someone you’re not compatible with increases the likelihood of cheating, as we tend to seek out someone who will meet our needs if they are not being met.

This isn’t to say that your relationship is automatically doomed. The partner who wants sex more can try to find another outlet to channel their sexual frustrations, although nothing is guaranteed. The partner who wants sex less is free to try and “push” themselves to want it more – but again, there are no guarantees.

It can be incredibly difficult to modify your habits, and even harder to modify your desires. We are usually not in control of the things we want, only the things we do to get the things we want. This means that changing our demands is often a lengthy process. It’s likely to wear you out and bring you down. But if it’s important enough to you to push through, you will find a way that works for you.

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The Appeal of Mirror Sex: Why We Enjoy Watching Ourselves Get Busy

I’m sure you know at least one person who boasts about their love of mirror sex. Maybe it’s even you! There’s just something unexplainable about the joy associated with watching different angles of your own sexual experience than the ones you’d normally see. If you’ve never tried it, it can be difficult to explain exactly what it is that pulls us in.


Here are some of the reasons why mirror sex is so great for so many people.

It lets us see a side we don’t normally see.

In most sexual situations, you can only see one side of your partner at a time. This is nice, but sometimes you want to get a peek into the other side of the equation. Maybe you want to see her chest while you’re taking her from behind, or you want to see her behind while she’s laying between your legs. No matter what angle you’re trying for, a well-placed mirror helps us see something we wouldn’t have normally been able to see.

It lets us see our own “O” face.

Not everyone is interested in watching themselves get off, but there are definitely some women who are quite aroused by the idea of watching themselves reach climax. If you’re the type of woman who is curious about what your “O” face looks like, mirror sex is one way to check it out.

It lets us catch the small details.

For those who are interested in the smaller details of the sexual experience, mirror sex helps to capture details that otherwise might have slipped right by. Whether it’s details of your partner’s body, details of your own body, or any number of small details, watching ourselves in a mirror is one way to make sure we can see everything.

It lets us see ourselves as sexual objects.

In a way, it’s like watching your own live porn show… But you get to experience it, too! This can be intensely erotic for some people, as the idea of being “used” as a sexual object can be somewhat of a turn-on.

Sex is a visual experience.

After all, when’s the last time you had sex with someone who wasn’t at least a little physically attractive to you? Your partner may not be a perfect ten, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that you find your partner attractive enough that sometimes, the pure sight of her naked may be enough to put you in the mood. By adding more angles to the experience, you’re multiplying the visual aspects of the sex and making it that much hotter.

It feels like you’re being watched – without the pressure of actually being watched by anyone else.

Some people may be highly aroused by the idea of someone else watching them have sex, but often they may be too shy to make that happen. With mirror sex, you are your own audience. You don’t have to worry about impressing anyone. It’s just you, your partner, and the mirror.

What do you think?

Are you ready to incorporate mirror sex into your repertoire? It’s definitely not for everyone, but for those who are into it, it can be incredibly sexy, on top of an already sexy experience. It’s worth giving a shot to see if you like it, too. Who knows? You could find out something new about yourself!

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6 Types of “Good Sex” You Can Have With a Partner

Good sex is, naturally, a subjective topic. Things that deeply arouse one woman could completely turn off another, and there’s often no way to tell just by looking at someone what they might like. But generally, there are a few types of sex that are considered better than others – which type is your favorite?

Angry Sex

Whether it’s sex in the middle of a fight or sex instead of fighting (or even sex just because), angry sex is raw and passionate. It allows the partners to express their frustrations, whether with each other or with outside forces, and when done right it ends in one of the best stress relievers out there.

Caring Sex

Of course, with the right partner, all sex is caring sex. But we’re talking about that deeply passionate sex that makes your body yearn for more closeness with your partner – the type of sex that you’d see in an old fashioned romance book. (You know those cheesy ones your grandmother used to keep around and tell you they were “most definitely not for children”? Of course you do.)

Morning Sex

Morning sex is best when it’s unexpected, although certainly you could plan for it if you’re the sort who likes to pencil in intimacy. There’s something extra sexy about your partner wanting you so bad that she wakes you up to have you – and morning sex is often the way to go for this.

Hotel Sex

Especially if you live in an apartment, or if you share a place with friends, family, or roommates, it can be a bit awkward to have sex if you think you’re going to get too loud. But if you’re in a hotel, you don’t have to worry about being too loud, because most likely you don’t know the people around you. You’ll never see them again – so you’re free to be as loud as you need to.

Forbidden Sex

Whether you’re fooling around somewhere you shouldn’t be fooling around, or with someone you shouldn’t be fooling around with, there’s a sexy appeal of doing something you shouldn’t. Of course, we must advise that you don’t break up any relationships or break any laws – but beyond that, feel free to pursue your wildest desires!

Passionate Sex

This is really up to interpretation. Some people consider passion to be the rough, gritty sex that we long for when we haven’t gotten any in awhile. Other people consider it the tender, loving sex you have after you first confess your love to someone. No matter what it is, passionate sex is certainly one of the perks of a committed relationship.

Of course, this is not to be considered a complete list of all the types of good sex you can have. With the right partner and adequate communication, every type of sex can be the best. We encourage you to talk to your partner about the type of sex you both like, and coordinate to ensure that both your needs are being met.

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13 Simple Rules of Sex Etiquette We’re Too Afraid To Talk About

When it comes to sex, there are a few rules that most people aren’t ready to talk about. We should, though – they hold a tremendous amount of weight that’s not to be ignored.

These are things you should be talking about, with every partner – sometimes every time we have sex.

How many do you talk about?

1. Safer sex only works if it’s every time.

The temptation to skip over the things we do to make sex safer can be overwhelming sometimes. But unless you are 100% certain that you and your partner are completely faithful, and neither of you has any diseases, you must resist the urge to skip the necessary precautions.

2. Cuddling should be discussed beforehand.

Some women like to cuddle after sex, and some women don’t. It’s best if you know these things before sex happens so you don’t end up the weird clinger who’s cuddling with someone who doesn’t want to, or the weird hands-off person who would rather push your partner out of bed. Neither one is actually weird, of course, but if you don’t clear things up ahead of time, there’s bound to be some confusion.

3. Ladies… Wash your hands first.

Sometimes sex is spontaneous, and that’s great! But if you’ve carefully planned out your sexual encounter, you should make sure your hands are clean if there’s going to be any penetration with them. Bacteria under your fingernails (or on a not-washed toy) can cause a bad infection that makes sex completely out of the question, so it’s best to make sure you’re not putting your partner at risk.

4. Do you clean up your partner or let her do it herself?

This one’s a matter of personal preference, like cuddling. For some women it depends on how the experience was. For example, if you’re too tired to move, it might be nice to let your partner dry you up – but if you’re still way too sensitive down there, it might be preferable to do it yourself. Ask her before you assume.

5. Kissing after oral sex – what’s the big deal?

According to Buzzfeed’s “Sex Etiquette Poll”, 82% of people think it’s weird if you don’t kiss after oral sex. After all, you should be comfortable with yourself, and if the smell of your own juices is a turn-off for you, maybe you should have washed up better beforehand – but this is an opinion, and not every woman will want to kiss after. Make sure she’s okay with it first.

6. Periods should come with a warning.

Not everyone minds period sex. In fact, here at KitschMix, we encourage it – when practiced safely. But you shouldn’t just assume that your partner is OK with going down on you when you’re on your period, and she shouldn’t assume that of you, either. Make sure you let your partner know if you’re bleeding down there so she can plan accordingly.

7. Communicate the good stuff!

Sometimes it’s hard to get the right words out – we understand. But if you don’t ask, you can’t be upset when you don’t get it. You should tell your partner what you want, so that she can choose whether to give it to you or not. Just keep in mind that you asking for it doesn’t obligate her to do it – consent goes both ways.

8. Communicate the bad stuff too!

Many people think that if they have given consent, they are obligated to follow through with the entire act of sex, wherever it leads. This is absolutely not true. If your partner is doing something that you’re not comfortable with, speak up!

9. Make some noise.

There’s nothing more awkward than having sex with a dead fish. You don’t have to go all-out with porn star theatrics, but you should at least make it known that you’re having a good time. Not only does it make the whole experience less awkward, it also helps to ensure you get more of what feels good and less of what doesn’t. It’s a win-win!

10. Always ask before butt stuff.

Maybe that’s not the most graceful way I could have worded it, but it’s something that’s worth noting. Even if you’re with someone who loves a lot of anal play (I’ve been there before), you need to ask her before you actually put it into motion. Every time.

11. Don’t skip over the foreplay.

Unless you absolutely know that your lady is aroused by you not taking the time to get her aroused, make sure you spend ample time getting her warmed up. This is just as true for a long-term relationship as it is the first time you have sex. Don’t skimp!

12. Don’t give with the expectation of getting in return.

Of course, it’s rude to let your partner do something to you that you wouldn’t dream of doing to them – but people have different preferences. You shouldn’t give your partner something just because you think you’ll get it back. Hopefully everything all evens out in the end – but when you give something, you shouldn’t expect that they’ll return the favor. You should be doing it because you want to.

13. Sex doesn’t always mean a relationship.

Casual sex is a tricky subject. Some people like sleeping around, and our society likes to tell these people that there’s something wrong with them. The truth is, as long as you’re acting safely, and with regard to your partner’s emotions, you’re not doing anything wrong. Most people like sex, so to pretend that liking sex more than liking a relationship is anything other than a preference is wrong.

That being said, you do need to discuss with your partner if you are developing feelings. It’s inevitable sometimes. You should never assume that the other person is developing feelings too, nor should you assume that they aren’t. It needs to be a conversation point so no one gets hurt more than what’s necessary.

Of course, there are easily at least a million rules when it comes to the etiquette surrounding sex. Sometimes you’ll set different rules for yourself, and that is 100% okay. But the most important thing is that you communicate with your partner and act with self-respect and dignity. (Yes, that’s possible even with casual sex – simply liking sex doesn’t mean you don’t have your dignity.)

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The Lost Art Of Teasing: Why So Many People Find Sex Unsatisfying

There’s this stigma associated with teasing your partner. Truly, it can be a frustrating experience if you are teased mercilessly without being allowed release, but the truth is, the longer you wait for your orgasm, the more satisfying it will be when you finally get it.

Why is it that we find sex less satisfying if the lead-up leaves something to be desired? Well, there are a number of reasons for this.

Teasing makes us want it more.

It’s a matter of basic human psychology. If you think you can’t have something, you’ll want it more. (Call it reverse psychology, I suppose.) If your partner is big on foreplay – perhaps letting it overshadow the sexual act itself – it can make you beg and squirm for it. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Teasing allows us to focus on our partner more.

When you pay extra attention to the foreplay, you are allowing yourself to explore your partner’s body, perhaps in ways you haven’t explored it before. This lets us get closer and more acquainted with each other, and of course lets us find the little things that turn each other on. In other words, you’ll know your partner better if you try to see what makes her beg.

Teasing takes the focus off the orgasm itself.

While we might like to think of an orgasm as the end-result of sexual activity, the truth is that putting the pressure to “finish” can be damaging. In some situations, if we’re too focused on the idea of getting off, it can make it more difficult to actually do it. Sex is supposed to be a stress reliever – why add extra stress into it?

Teasing feels good.

Let’s be honest. The reason that teasing is so frustrating is because it feels so damn good. So why wouldn’t you want to do it as much as you can? It puts you in a position of control, whether implied or actual, and lets you decide when your partner is ready for more.

Sex without foreplay can hurt.

Depending on the sexual activity you’re participating in, it can be painful to move forward without taking adequate time to get things started. This is especially true with penetrative sex, but it’s also true for clitoral stimulation. If you don’t get it warmed up enough first, it’s not going to feel good.

Sex without foreplay is boring.

Let’s be honest – with the exception of the various positions you can try, the variety involved with sex is pretty limited. When you expand your sexual activities to include more teasing, you’re exponentially increasing the possibilities. After all, you can start teasing anywhere – and then pick up where you left off when it’s more convenient to do so. And that’s really sexy.

Sex without foreplay is too quick.

Hey, don’t get me wrong – sometimes a quickie is just the thing you’re looking for. But if every sexual encounter is over quickly, it gets more and more difficult for us to enjoy it. We start to feel neglected, as if our needs aren’t important to our partner. Too much of this and we may begin to feel that our partner simply doesn’t care, or that they’re rushing things on purpose.

Sex without foreplay is less intimate.

Of course there are ways to be intimate that don’t involve sex at all. But if you feel deeply about your partner, it’s nice to be able to incorporate that intimacy as much as you can – and foreplay is a great way to do it. You can use this time to show your partner how much attention you’ve paid to the things she enjoys, and choose whether you give them to her right away or if you drag it out and make her yearn for it.

Foreplay is an important part of the sexual experience.

Overall, sex isn’t really complete without teasing beforehand. The truth is, the teasing itself can be a wonderful sexual experience even if there is no final release. It brings us closer to each other, and it helps us to explore every part of our partner’s bodies – and it allows us to make the most of every subsequent sexual encounter. If you’re not teasing your partner already, what’s stopping you?


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Why It’s Not Always Easy To Avoid Emotions After Casual Sex

Many of us like to think that we can control who we develop feelings for – even though that goes against one of the biggest arguments in support of homosexual rights. Why, then, do we want to pretend that we have a choice in the matter?

The truth is, you can’t really help who you’re attracted to – only which attractions you act on. And in the case of casual sex, you’ve already acted on those feelings before they fully came to light. Ever wonder why that is?

You’re drawn to those you spend time around.

If you’re having casual sex with the same person (which is considered safer than having multiple partners, in terms of diseases), chances are, you’re going to develop feelings for that person. We tend to be drawn to the people we spend the most time with, after all, and if you happen to be having sex with that person – the emotions are bound to happen.

Orgasms produce a bonding hormone.

If you’ve heard of the bonding hormone, oxytocin, you no doubt know that there are multiple times when it’s excreted by your body. Orgasm happens to be one of those times. This is because the body naturally wants to have feelings for the person we’re having sex with – it makes us feel good, so we want to feel it with the same person again. (Of course, this idea implies that it has to be good sex, but even if it’s just okay, the more sex you have with the same person, the more attached you’re going to be.)

Patterns begin to develop.

It’s bound to happen during sex – you start to learn more about the person. Whether it’s learning each other’s sexual intricacies, or speaking after sex (but before they leave), or you “accidentally” fall asleep cuddling, you’re bound to learn more about your sexual partner than you knew when you began. These patterns will eventually lead to feelings unless they’re stopped early enough.

Why does this matter?

If you don’t mind the idea of getting attached to someone you’ve been seeing casually, then it doesn’t matter. This is, of course, assuming you’ve put forth the time to make sure the person you’re sleeping with is in line with what you want for yourself (but that can be difficult!) and that you’re on the same page with your sexual partner. But it isn’t always easy to stay on the same page, and in fact it can be downright impossible without proper communication.

But we tend to treat our strictly-sexual partners as if they aren’t worthy of our communication. In an attempt to keep feelings at bay, we might limit our interactions to just the things we want to share with them, and leave out everything else. Even then, it might still be out of your control. There are so many factors involved with developing feelings that it’s unlikely you can prevent it from every side.

Rather, the most effective way to ensure you don’t get attached to the person you’re having sex with? Develop a sexual relationship with yourself! Get to know your own wants, your likes and dislikes, the things that turn you on. Buy yourself presents and toys and lingerie (if you like) and be your own date. Learn what makes you tick and how to make yourself climax – you’ll be glad you did!

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