Tag Archives: Stem

Why Dating A Stem Is Pretty Much The Best

When it comes to lesbians, there are typically two main categories that we’re broken into: That would be, studs and femmes. However, many lesbians choose to stay somewhere in the middle area – I like to call that stem territory. (Stem = stud + femme, for those who weren’t aware.)


Other people refer to this as “verses”, “no labels”, or any variety of words, really, because the labels you assign yourself happen to be a matter of personal preference.

Don’t get me wrong – I love all women. On a fundamental level, none of us is any better than any others, and this article isn’t meant to convey superiority. But in the interest of equality, shouldn’t we all be striving for actual equality? Stems and no-labels happen to fit the bill perfectly in this regard.

Here are my top 10 reasons why dating a stem is something everyone should experience in their lives!

1. They don’t care about your stereotypes.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with stereotypes, in theory. They’re there because they serve a purpose, whether it’s for the person submitting themselves to the stereotype or the person assigning the stereotype. However, when you turn the stereotypes on their face, you force the people to actually accept you as you are – and that’s a beautiful thing!

2. They look great in anything.

Stems can rock basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt one day, and the next day they could step out in an evening gown and some heels. It’s great because some days you want to look extra stunning, and other days you might not want to put forth the effort. A stem will easily understand if you, too, don’t want to put forth that same effort sometimes – it’s hard work trying to fit the same label all the time!

3. You basically have two girlfriends.

Some of the stems I know even have separate personas for their multiple labels. No, that doesn’t mean they’re crazy, just that they identify in a non-binary way that lets you have two different girlfriends: The one rocking Jordans and the one rocking Louboutins – and neither one is mad because they share the same body.

Win-win! (And if you happen to have a stem with curly hair and glasses, this can be extra fun… A straightener and some contacts will up the “girlfriend” count to 8. It’s pretty great, actually.)

4. They’re down for whatever.

Going to the ballet? She’s down, because she spent six years in ballet classes when she was a kid. Going to the hockey game? Even better, she’ll cheer louder than everyone else in the arena. Stems don’t like to limit themselves for anything, and they won’t expect you to limit yourself to just the interests that “fit” with your image.

5. They’re easy going!

OK, so technically this isn’t inclusive of all stems, nor does it exclude all who fit into a predefined label. But generally speaking, stems don’t really care what you choose to label yourself as, because they haven’t labeled themselves either. They just don’t care. And if you do have a specific preference in a partner, they’re likely willing to accommodate – within reason.

You want a femme? She’ll be the girliest girl you’ve ever seen on every date. You prefer studs? Watch her rock a pinstriped suit like a boss.

6. They’re independent.

Because they don’t choose to limit themselves to the “traditionally male” or “traditionally female” roles, they’re more ready to open themselves to the possibility of whatever life throws at them. They may lift weights so that they can open their own jars without you, and they might know how to give a killer manicure because they just spent all of last week obsessing over the perfect nail polish shades.

There’s something extra sexy about knowing your girl wants you, but she doesn’t need you.

7. They get to play “spy”.

The stems that I know can present themselves as more masculine when they’re hanging out with their guy friends, or they can present themselves as more feminine when they’re hanging out with their girl friends. It’s not an exact science, but being able to fit in with the straight community is pretty helpful in this day and age where lesbians are presumed to be more accepted, but in reality they’re just more sexualized.

By being “one of the guys” with their straight male friends, and “one of the girls” with their straight female friends, they can influence the topic of discussion away from the “Are you sure you’re gay?” and the “I’m not sure I’m straight”, respectively.

8. Studs – they’ll teach you how to be more feminine.

Maybe you don’t think you need to be more feminine, and that’s ok. But when you date a stem, she’ll probably show you how fun it can be to lay back and be the “pillow princess” – even if you’d prefer to be called Batman. Stems can teach you the things that you’re missing out on by putting up your masculine face first.

9. Femmes – they’ll teach you how to be more masculine.

Just like with the studs, maybe you’re comfortable with your current balance. That’s fine, and she should never force you into anything you don’t want to do. But if you have yet to experience how sexy it can be when she looks at you and says “I want you to take me right now” – well, you’re in for a treat!

10. They look the same naked anyway.

This doesn’t specifically refer to stems, but I’ve chosen to include it because, at the end of the day, your lady is still going to be your lady, regardless of how she chooses to dress. Why limit yourself to someone who fits into this stereotype that you’ve defined?

Stem girls will still be the same person at the end of the day that they were yesterday, a week ago, or two years ago. And isn’t that what really matters?

Do You Need To Be A “Lipstick Lesbian” To Be Considered A Femme?

When we think about our lesbian labels, there is an endless list of possibilities for what a woman may consider herself. In this article, we’ll be focusing on the labels that fall at the more feminine side of the spectrum – generally grouped as “femmes”.

Although “femme” seems to be a pretty specific label in itself, the truth is that it covers a wide array of different characteristics and attributes. Sometimes, these areas overlap, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s important to realize that if your girlfriend is more feminine, that doesn’t automatically mean she’ll be into heels and makeup.

Stem Lesbians

I like to classify stems as falling into the “more feminine” category because, unlike tomboys, they tend to portray themselves as feminine a bit more of the time – or at least present their feminine characteristics alongside their masculine aesthetic.

Stems tend to not particularly care whether they are taken as masculine or feminine. They may have a diverse background which covers regions from playing with dolls (which most likely meant at least one of their dolls was a lesbian, let’s face it) to watching hockey and Nascar. They don’t care about your gender roles, and they’ll do what they want – not what society wants them to do.

Most of the stems I’ve found myself involved with were willing to modify their appearance to suit the tastes of their partners (if their partner had a preference). For some stems who are attracted to other stems, this may mean “balancing each other out” – if one is dressed girly, the other may dress more masculine to compensate. However, this is not necessarily the case, and it’s important to realize that your girlfriend’s preferred way to dress is just as important as (if not more important than) how you’d like her to dress.

With stems, you often get an androgynous “stud” look – that is, you can’t pin whether they are masculine or feminine. For those who are attracted to stems, this can be incredibly sexy, as you’re not as able to pin them into a certain category.

Femme Lesbians

With femmes, they typically present themselves as feminine, but this doesn’t necessarily mean dresses, skirts, and heels. Sure, they feel more comfortable in yoga pants than basketball shorts, but they’re not necessarily going to spend two hours on their hair and makeup. Instead, these things are reserved for “special occasions”.

Femmes are often referred to as “chapstick lesbians” – they take their feminine appearance seriously, but they don’t necessarily care about makeup and the top fashion trends. They want to be considered attractive to their partner, but they want it to be because of who they are – not what they’re wearing. And some days, your femme girlfriend may just really want to dress in sweats and your baggy t-shirts. (This should be encouraged!)

Typically, femme lesbians prefer things that could be considered “cute”. While this isn’t exclusive to femmes, their appearance usually reflects this preference. For example, she may wear shorts and form-fitting clothing in the summer time, and perhaps some skinny jeans and a fitted blouse in the winter time. It’s more important to her that her partner finds her attractive than the people outside of her relationship.

Lipstick Lesbians

These are the girliest of all the lesbians, and the ones most likely to be mistaken for a straight girl. They spend a great deal of time on their appearance, and aren’t likely to wear the same outfit to a similar event. That cute sun dress she wore to your birthday party? She probably won’t wear it to another party again – it’ll get demoted to beach wear soon.

Lipstick lesbians gained the name from their affinity for makeup. She probably subscribes to makeup tutorial channels on YouTube, and she probably likes getting her hair done. She also likes dresses and nice shoes – in fact, she might not even own any pants!

That being said, one can be a “lipstick lesbian” without even owning a single dress. Since it’s more about the effort she puts into her appearance, her focus will probably be more in line with her body than her clothes. After all, you can certainly look feminine without being in a dress or a skirt – it’s about how you style yourself.


The descriptions in this article are definitely very loose, and every woman has the right to pick her own label – something that reflects how she feels about herself and how she would like others to think of her.

In some cases, the right label may be “no label” – and there’s nothing wrong with that! We at KitschMix think that what’s most valuable is who you are on the inside – and you’re wonderful just the way you are.