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Is Scissoring Actually Effective? | We Answer Your Questions

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Is scissoring actualy effective? 

Dear KitschMix,

So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year now, and we want to get more adventurous in the bedroom. She really likes the idea of scissoring and I’m open trying anything once.

We tried last night as well…no luck was had.

Our main problem was that our vulvas, let alone our clits, weren’t rubbing together that well. If anything, both of our asses kept getting in the way. We kept referring to pictures online on lesbian forums, tried to position both our bodies differently, used pillows, etc. etc., but still no improvement.

Has anyone had success with scissoring? Any tips?

A: Oh my goodness, scissoring. It is both my guilty pleasure and the bane of my existence. It can definitely be effective, but there are some problems.

First, it’s definitely a learning experience. Chances are, it’s different than other things you’ve tried in the bedroom, and this can make it difficult to know when you’ve got it right. Especially if your main information is through pictures or porn – because the goal of these two types of materials is to show you what’s going on, they’re a bit misleading when it comes to actual practice.

You really need to be right on top of each other or it isn’t going to work. Most likely, you’re going to have to practice a lot before you get it down – but you’ll definitely know when you do.

Second, your anatomy plays a big part in it too – to an extent. I am not a very small girl, especially in the hips and butt area, so I feel your pain! My current partner and I have both gained a bit of weight over the past year or so – partially due to her having surgery, and partially because I stopped exercising as much as I used to. Before, when we were smaller, we were able to work it out – but even before we got to the sizes we are currently, it got difficult as we got further away from that “perfect” weight for us. We still try every now and then, but it’s not like it was when we were smaller.

For something that feels like scissoring but is a bit more forgiving to body types that aren’t “perfectly built” for such, consider standard tribbing. Technically, the only difference between the two is that scissoring is clit-to-clit while tribbing is clit-to-anything. This makes it a lot easier to handle, but produces the same end result.

Try aligning yourselves with your legs between each other’s legs. Try and get your thigh flat against her vagina, and help her to do the same. Then, as one of you rubs yourself against a leg, the leg that is against your partner will rub against her, too – and if the two of you are on the same rhythm, it feels very similar to “real” scissoring.

I hope this helps – please write again and let us know if this worked for you!

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Help Me Find A Suitably “Butch” Gift For My New Girlfriend For Valentine’s Day

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve started dating a really wonderful woman and she means a lot to me. She is very masculine – doesn’t wear women’s clothing, makeup, and the only jewellery she wears is two small studs in each ear, so I’m kind of at a loss as to what to get her for Valentine’s Day. My last girlfriend was the complete opposite, and I’m also very femme. She is my first butch girlfriend so to speak.

I don’t want to treat her like a girl, I want to make her feel special and I’d like to buy her something she can wear all the time, and since it’s our first together, I’d like to make it something memorable, but any kind of flashy jewellery would probably be met with a luke-warm reception.

I’ve been thinking about some kind of “butch” friendship bracelet, or something like that, but the ones I’ve found are generally pretty shoddy and cheaply made. She’s been talking about wanting some colour on her body – I guess I’m looking for something colourful without being super-feminine. Any suggestions? (BTW: She’s in her 30’s.) Thanks.

Hi Reader! I found myself in a similar situation when my current girlfriend and I got together. I’ve never been particularly interested in butch girls, but she persuaded me to change my mind. Unfortunately, I knew NOTHING about butch women! (Let’s be honest, sometimes it’s hard to understand any women, but especially one who’s so different from you.)

Obviously, I can’t tell you what your girlfriend likes, as she’s probably different than my girlfriend, but here are a few ideas that have worked for me over the past few years:

  1. A pocket watch. Pocket watches are highly customizable, and very memorable – especially if you get it engraved, or hand-select one that suits her preferences. My girlfriend likes Nightmare Before Christmas, so I got her a Jack Skellington watch this year – it’s actually pretty cute. You could also choose a simpler one, and take it somewhere to be engraved.
  2. A photo book. There are a number of websites that will let you create custom photo books, with your own captions and backgrounds. You may be able to find a store that does this locally – I used to work for a small photography company that would do photo books for their customers from time to time.
  3. Something handmade. For my first Valentine’s day with my girlfriend, I crocheted her a blanket for her bed. It seems a little cheesy, but arts-and-crafts stuff goes over really well with some women. I’ve still got a picture on my wall from a high school girlfriend. (She did it with chalk pastels, and it’s this gorgeous, weird, abstract rainbow thing. It’s pretty neat, actually.) Most women appreciate things that come from the heart, so think of something creative and go with it!
  4. Simple earrings. There’s a huge selection of earring sets available, in men’s and women’s styles, and generally you can never have too many. I just bought my girlfriend a 6-pair pack of “illusion plugs” (they look like gauged earrings, but they’re just posts). Last year I bought her a pair of rainbow anodized steel Batman earrings, which she wears a lot. Most butch women like to keep their style simple, but that doesn’t mean it has to be boring!
  5. A hat. It might not be the most romantic answer, but if she enjoys hats (or any specific clothing items, really), the simple act of hand-selecting something that you think will look good on her can be sweet. My girlfriend already has a lot of hats, so I bought her a hat rack this year. She’s been hinting that she wants some dress shirts, too – maybe your girlfriend would like one?
  6. Pretty much anything personalized. If you can get something engraved or otherwise personalized, this is a way to add a memorable touch to it, without being too terribly flashy.

Truly, the options are limitless when it comes to gifts – it all depends on your girlfriend in particular. My partner likes flashy and sparkly, just not “feminine”, so my options may be a little more open than yours.

Personally, I think I’d recommend a pocket watch. If you spend the money to get a high-quality one, it can last her for many years, and they’re so simple to get engraved. If you order online, many places will even engrave it for you before you send it out.

I wish you the best, and please don’t hesitate to write back in and let me know what you decided – as well as how she liked it. Take care!

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How Do I Deal With New My Girlfriend’s Lack Of Enthusiasm In The Bedroom?

 Dear KitschMix,

Here is my back-story. I met my girlfriend, online about 6 months ago. We’re both in college, but she is a year younger than me. We have been officially dating for 4 months. Our relationship is everything I want it to be; we communicate well, spend a healthy but not obsessive amount of time together, and generally get along great.

We both vaguely identify as bisexual, although I would say I am more on the lesbian side than she is. I’ve never had a “serious” relationship with a man, and have only really dated women, and in most of my relationships I have been the more “top” or dominant one, taking on a more giving role. She has only been with one other woman, and admitted to me she was more the receiver than the giver.

Okay, moving on. We had sex for the first time after knowing each other for 2-3 weeks. We both had a few drinks, she slept over at my place, and I initiated things and took charge. She made no move to reciprocate, but I was fine with that. As I said earlier, I’m more of a giver than a receiver, and I’m honestly more comfortable that way and I get plenty of pleasure out of it.

So we continued dating, and continued having sex, with the exact same formula. I will initiate and then we cuddle. She makes no move to reciprocate and she never initiates things. We have had 2 conversations about this in the past 6 months that we’ve known each other. The first conversation was when she was drunk and said she wanted to fuck me but she was nervous, and I said I would like that too but I wasn’t totally comfortable with it yet, and I was on my period at the time (we had been dating for less than a month). The second conversation was after we had been together for about 6 weeks. I can’t remember exactly how the topic was brought up, but she told me she was really nervous about it because I am so good at pleasing her and she doesn’t know what she’s doing at all. I told her that that’s okay and I’m not expecting anything amazing, and I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of her touching me.

But that was 2 months ago and since then nothing has happened. We haven’t talked about it again, and she hasn’t made a move to initiate anything with me. We have showered together twice, so she’s seen me naked now. She still didn’t make a move when we were naked in bed together after. I have tried to make it obvious, telling her I’m horny, taking my shirt off without her asking, etc, but she seems to be either oblivious or ignoring it.

I want her to want me. I don’t know if she doesn’t want to be with me, if she’s not attracted to me, if she’s just nervous, or lazy, or what it is. I’m now kind of losing my motivation. I don’t know if it’s smart/appropriate to bring it up boldly, like “hey, why don’t you fuck me tonight?” or to wait until she initiates, or somewhere in the middle. Help?!

Let me start by answering your story with a little story of my own. In most of my past relationships, I have primarily been the giver – but not the initiator. I’m incredibly shy, but like you, I am really into giving it to my partner. I like to get it, too – but I won’t really ask for it. I have a hard time starting something on my partner unless I’m asked, too. If I had to guess, I’d say your girlfriend is probably a little like me.

With my current girlfriend (who is mostly a giver, and quite a bit bolder than I am), it was actually about four or five months before I ever did anything to her. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but because I was really self-conscious. I know I’ve got skill, but it’s always nerve wracking with someone new.

Then, one day, she apparently got tired of being the only one to do anything, and she stuck my hand in her pants. Literally, that’s all it took. Sure, she had to initiate the first few times, but after a while, I got used to the idea, and started initiating on my own. Admittedly, I don’t give it to her as much as she gives it to me, but as far as I’m aware, she’s okay with that. She will occasionally ask for it, and I gladly oblige.

I don’t know why we (your girlfriend, myself, and a bunch of other women) are like this, but we are. I don’t think it’s a lack of enthusiasm, though. Most women are just shy, especially if she doesn’t have a lot of experience with giving. Gently coax her into it and she’ll probably be shy, but receptive to the idea.

Once she’s a little more comfortable with the idea of giving you pleasure, try introducing sterner “requests”, like the one you mentioned. In a sexual context, many women are aroused by the idea of being told what to do – and especially if you find she follows directions well! Maybe not on the days you’re trying to be intimate and romantic, but an occasional “fuck me right now” is pretty sexy and provides a great deal of motivation and enthusiasm (at least for me!)

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My Friend Thinks I’m Not Gay Enough

Hi Kitsch Mix,

One of my friends doesn’t think I’m gay enough. For a long time she has seen me as straight. I corrected her on this, but because of my appearance and the fact I dated men, she still won’t accept I’m really gay.

We hang out most weekends with mutual friends, and I catch her staring at me all the time, but I can’t work out if this is an attraction or hostility. She is constantly joking about my sexuality, and doesn’t seem to take me serious.

I don’t know why she is targeting me. We once had a fantastic night together, talking, dancing, and getting along great, but the next time I saw her, she was back to her judging self.

I am gay and I date women exclusively now. This is not a phase, but because I have not been an out lesbian all my life, and don’t look the part – my lesbian status is flawed.

Why can’t she accept me?

Well, reader, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but… She’s not a friend of yours. She might say she is (and she might even think she is) but we accept our real friends. Everyone else is just an acquaintance we’re fond of.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are not accepting of lesbians who have not always identified as lesbians – despite the fact that we make up a large portion of the gay community. (I’d like to say more than half, but I don’t have any specific statistics with me – this is just a thought based on my circle of friends.)

It’s possible that she’s attracted to you, but doesn’t want to let herself be attracted to you. There are a lot of lesbians who refuse to date bisexual women, so by labeling you as bisexual in her mind, she’s “banning” herself from having feelings for you. It’s tough to understand why someone might do this, but it is a form of discrimination. It’s OK to have preferences, but lying about your preferences (which this is) in order to excuse yourself from being a fair person is definitely not OK.

Another possibility is that she doesn’t believe that your sexuality has changed. While it’s important that you realize that she is not allowed to identify for you, it can be difficult to convince others of this. I personally think you shouldn’t worry too much about what she thinks of your sexuality – like I said before, she’s not really a friend if she doesn’t accept your own identity.

Let me put this another way. Let’s pretend you are a doctor. But in her mind, she sees you as a waitress, because you used to be a waitress – before you found out that the medical industry was your true calling. She has it decided that you’re a waitress, and she doesn’t date waitresses. So she taunts you relentlessly and calls you a waitress despite your insistence that you’re a doctor now.

Doesn’t make a lot of sense that way, does it? Especially once you factor in that your profession is a choice, and your sexuality is not.

My advice to you is drop this friend. If she feels the need to treat you like the person you know you are, then welcome her back into your life – but if she keeps disrespecting you and belittling your identity because you didn’t figure it out when you were a child, you don’t need her.

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How Do I Get Started On The Lesbian Scene?

Hi KitschMix,

I’ve been following you for a while and need some advice. I’ve always dated men – since I was 16 (I’m now 24). I’ve been with 2 women and I almost dated one (long story). I think that I might be a lesbian and not just bisexual, or at least leaning more toward that side of the spectrum. I am TERRIFIED of putting myself into the lesbian-dating scene. At 24, I have very little sexual experience with women and absolutely no dating experience with women. How do I get started and how do I make this process less intimidating? I would’ve tweeted but… I’m not “out” to everyone I know.

Hello reader! Let me start by saying, thank you for writing in! Next, I’d like to let you know that there’s nothing wrong with being “late to the game” – not that you are, really. Many women don’t come out until they have children your age, so rest assured, you’re definitely not behind.

I would also like to tell you that there’s no real reason you need to define your label precisely. We are so happy that 2015 saw a rise of people who refused to subscribe to the “traditional” sexuality labels and instead decided to embrace the idea that sexuality is a complicated spectrum. (Truthfully, I think it always has been, but once upon a time I was in the minority.)

I do have some great news for you, as well – for the most part, dating a woman isn’t that much different than dating a man, except determining whether she’s also interested in women. Although, if we examine the trend of women rejecting the typical labels, it might make more sense if we could just stop assuming anything about anyone else’s sexuality. (Sadly, I think the world isn’t actually ready for this yet.)

Even better news? There’s not necessarily a reason you need to come out to everyone, either – or at least not any time soon. Since we’re starting to widely accept that sexuality is a fluid thing, many women are starting to accept partners that aren’t “out” (even though it does mean there may be some complications once the relationship gets more serious).

Since you’re just getting started, though, there’s no real reason to focus on that. Instead, think about what type of woman you’re looking for, and start your search there. For example, if cardio is really important to you, the gym might be a good place to look for someone. If reading is a bigger deal, then a library or a book store may be more appropriate. Just keep in mind that these women are probably not there with the intention of being picked up, and your overall success might not be that great, especially if you don’t have a lot of confidence.

Thankfully, the age of technology has drastically improved the ways we can find partners, though – and I think that’s even better for the “invisible” queer community than it might be for the rest of the world. With just a few minutes and a Wi-Fi connection, you can set up a killer dating profile and talk to any woman that falls into your criteria. If you’re not sure exactly what kind of woman you’re looking for, that’s ok too – and your options will be a lot more open.

Of course I must urge you to be safe when dating online (or face-to-face). As much progress as we have made over the past few years, there’s easily at least that much work left. Sadly, there are still men who will use dating sites as if they were gay women, and there may be men and women alike with less than pure intentions. When you are appropriately careful, online dating can be a positive experience.

As far as the intimidation goes… Well, that’s different for everyone. Some people are always shy about approaching people – and there’s nothing wrong with that (although you’ll be limited to the people who will approach you). For most women, there’s occasionally a woman who sparks our interest enough for us to get over our fears. And there are even women who exclusively pursue – so just make sure you look approachable!


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How Do I Explain My Sexuality?

Hi Kitsch Mix,

My friends and family are struggling this one, but I feel like I could see myself being happy on my own for the rest of my life. I love my own space and am scared shitless of commitment. I don’t want one-night stands. I don’t want a sexual relationship of any kind. I consider myself asexual, and when I explain this to my friends they look at me like I’m crazy.

Hello reader, and thank you for writing in! I can definitely understand why you want your friends and family to understand how you identify. Truth be told, our identities only really serve ourselves, so you should make sure that you want to clarify for your own sake and not because you think it will affect your relationship with your friends and family. You can’t really force anyone to accept any part of you – you just be yourself and hope that they really do.

If it is important for you to define your sexuality, I think that asexual definitely sounds like the correct label. Then again, since your identity is such a deeply personal thing, the only thing that you need to “legitimize” the label you finally land on is whether you are comfortable with it. If you’re not comfortable with it, there’s no real need to specify a label.

Asexuality is a complicated subject, because it’s still pretty new to most people’s attention (if it’s even there yet). I think the way you’ve explained it here to me is probably the best description for those who don’t understand.

Some people may ask you why – and that’s to be expected. You’re not obligated to give them an answer if they ask, though. Not everyone has a specific reason why they are the way they are – it’s a combination of too many other factors to pin it down to which is the most important. Usually it’s easiest if you just say “I just am” and refuse to give it any further attention.

In a perfect world, everyone would be accepted for the person they are, and it’s my hope for you that your friends and family accept you for every part of you. There will be people who say ignorant things; it’s your choice whether you ignore them or educate them. (And your success with either of these options will vary from one situation to the next.)

The most important thing in all of this, though, is that the only one who really needs to be able to accept you is you. If your friends don’t accept you, then they weren’t very good friends. If your family doesn’t accept you (and you don’t rely on them for support), you’re under no obligation to justify yourselves to them. As long as you’re happy, your loved ones should be happy for you.

Take care, reader, and feel free to let us know how things go!

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I’m in Love With My Best Friend, But She’s In Love With A Creep

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve been best friends with this girl for years now and it didn’t take me long to realize that what I felt for her was (and still is) waaay more than just friendship.

She doesn’t know I’m gay. In fact no ones does, but I’ve just found out she’s dating a guy, and I feel heart broken.

But being the good friend that I am, I just pretended to be really happy for her. I’m far from happy, and the guy she is seeing is creep (who a month ago tried it on with me). In fact another of our friends told her this.

He is also very possessive, wants her to spend all her time with him, and when they’re out together he’ll always pulls her away for private chats.

In other cases, I’ll be talking with her, and then he decides that he wants all of her attention, so he’ll constantly be distracting her from me.

There are lots of other details about him that utterly disgust me because he’s just gross in general with his touchiness and over-attachment, but I’ll spare you all the details.

Essentially, even before I met him, everyone I knew thought that he was really creepy.

Now I’m just praying that they will break up. The very idea of them being together (and having sex) extremely breaks my heart.

I feel so stuck. I want her in my life, but watching her with the guy is so hard to take. I don’t think her feelings for me are mutual, so do I bow out.

I want to be honest with her. I don’t want things to be awkward between us, so I’m not saying anything. But I Hope that I can one day I can express my love verbally and physically to this amazing woman without this guy being in the picture, and it just being us together.

This sounds like a horribly painful situation, and I am sorry to hear you’re stuck in it. In some cases, when we have a crush on someone, we may accidentally paint their current partner as the bad guy. Since you’re telling me that other friends have noticed (and pointed out) this behaviour, I’ll assume that’s not the case here.

Unfortunately, if you value your friendship with this woman, there isn’t a lot you can do to make your feelings known without risking the situation going incredibly uncomfortable. I’m the type of person to try and make my feelings known anyway, but the situation is always more complicated when they’re seeing someone.

I think I have a couple different stories for you, to try and help you figure out what you should do:

First: I was in your position.

My best friend and I had literally been friends since the day we were born. (Yes, same day.) We lost touch a couple of times, for a couple of years at a time, but somehow we always found our way back to each other. One day, I started to notice I had very strong feelings for her. She said she felt the same way, but I think she was trying to avoid the situation getting awkward.

Eventually I found myself in the position where I could save her from the bad situation she was in – so I did. My feelings for her grew a little deeper once she was living with me. In my head, I thought, “She just has to feel the same way now.” (Now that I’ve grown a little, I know better – no one is obligated to be with you just because you do nice things for them, but you should do nice things anyway.)

After she had lived with me for a couple of months, we decided to give it a shot, and we started dating – but she was more attracted to men. Men who I personally would consider losers (even when viewed objectively – one of them happened to be my own brother). We tried to make it work for a while, but it was doomed from the start.

August marks seven years since we broke up, and the friendship definitely isn’t the same. She’s actually still with my brother, though, and as much as I resented their relationship initially, I can see now that they’re better together than me and her would have been together, even if for no other reason than I wasn’t what she really wanted.

If you tell your friend how you feel, even if it does result in a relationship, this is something you may risk.

Second: I was in her position.

My next story is a little more recent, and the details aren’t quite the same, but I think it has an equal chance of applying as my first story, above. In this scenario, I was “unofficially” dating someone who I thought was just wonderful – even though everyone else (including the friends who set us up!) was telling me she was a total jerk.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, someone else started talking to me. She was attracted to me, and she made that known from the start – but she never pushed the issue. She let me vent to her about the woman I was seeing and all her crazy mean antics (which can be a really nice quality in a friend, trust me). Whenever I brought up my unhappiness with my current situation, she’d gently offer an alternative – but she would never try to make a move on me unless I initiated it.

A few months later, I had finally had enough with the crap the girl I was seeing put me through, and I called things off. The Friend was still there waiting, and she still had feelings for me – and eventually I opened my eyes and saw that she was actually going to treat me right. (I think my exact words were that she was everything that I hoped the other girl was going to be eventually… Right from the start.)

We just celebrated our second anniversary in December – and she’s still one of my best friends. Sure, she irritates me to no end, and we do have some arguments. But we started from friends, so we have extra motivation to work them out instead of walking away.

If you tell your friend your feelings, this is a real possibility, too.

But every situation is different.

There’s no way for me to predict what’s going to happen in your situation – I can only tell you what happened in my personal situation. I’ve been in situations where my friend and I talked it out and decided against pursuing anything, and we’re still best friends almost ten years later.

Your decision on whether or not to tell her may be shaped by whether you decide to come out or not – because if things go badly, there is a chance that she could out you. (If she’s a good best friend, she won’t, but sometimes that’s hard to tell right away.) Truthfully, there are so many different possibilities – but you’ll never know until you tell her how you feel!

Try and remember to respect the relationship, but as her best friend you are allowed to let her know that her boyfriend is a waste of her time. Just make sure that your feelings for her aren’t clouding your judgment, and remember that the final decision is hers to make.

9 Things to Remember When Dealing with Doubt

Confidence is a fickle creature for many women. If we show too much confidence, we’re portrayed as arrogant, bossy, or promiscuous. If we don’t show enough confidence, we’re seen as unremarkable, mousey, and insecure. What’s a girl gotta do to be treated with respect?!

Well, the short answer is, you need to stop caring what other people think about you – but sometimes that’s easier said than done. Whenever you find yourself having a particularly hard time with it, take note of the following mantras.

1. Self-doubt is all in your head.

Once you realize that self-doubt is literally a figment of your imagination, you can start to repair the problem. Why do you feel like you can’t do or be what you want? Chances are, the fact that you want it says that your innermost opinion is that you can and should. The only thing getting in the way is the little voice telling you you’ll fail.

Most often, the motivation for self-doubt lies hidden in something from your past. Did you attempt it before and fail? If so, maybe you have learned and grown since then – which makes you more likely to be successful. Did someone important to you tell you that you’d fail? Maybe that person has a low opinion of you, but rather than reflecting that in your opinion of yourself, you should let it reflect on them. Someone’s inability to see your value does not diminish your worth.

2. Haters are going to hate, no matter what.

There are going to be people who will accuse you of cheating if you succeed. There will be people who envy your success and try to use it against you somehow. Instead of giving into the negativity and let them talk you out of trying, focus on handling your own business and don’t worry about the people trying to drag you down.

It’s pretty common knowledge that a negative attitude breeds a negative result, and this is often the case why so-called “haters” have a hard time finding their own success. Instead of picking apart how a person has done well for themselves, they take the opportunity to express their jealousy in a passive aggressive way. They think by tearing you down, they’ll look better in comparison – but most people know better.

3. Nobody’s perfect.

Even if you do try and fail, that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. It just means that you didn’t succeed. Tack a “yet” on the end of that and suddenly it’s a more empowering slogan. Right? Try it out for size: “I haven’t failed; I just haven’t succeeded yet.” Feels good, doesn’t it?

The best thing about acknowledging that no one is perfect is that you give yourself permission to get it wrong. You understand that no one was ever a pro their first time out the gate, and you let go of the idea that you have to be. After all, practice makes perfect, so the more chances you give yourself to fail, the more practice you get – and in turn, the closer you get to success.

4. A jack of all trades is a master of none.

As a teenager, I had a goal to do it all – I wanted to have every job out there. The only problem is, in order to fit everything in, I couldn’t stick with any of them very long. I worked at an ice cream shop, and on a midway, and in a retirement home, and for a tutoring service, and as a writer, and as a housekeeper, and as a secretary, and in a factory, and in a tow company, and in a stock room… All before I turned 21! This sounds pretty exciting, but the fact is that I wasn’t very good at most of those things because I didn’t stick with them for very long.

If you release yourself from the responsibility of only doing things you’re good at, you’re going to miss out on a lot – and it’s never fun to feel like you’re missing out. Self-doubt comes from the idea that we have to be good at everything, which is literally impossible to attain. Let yourself try new things without worrying about how good you are – that comes later!

5. Self-doubt is an excuse.

There, I said it – self-doubt is a poorly-veiled excuse to not do things. It’s lazy, and it’s not fair to you or anyone else. If the fear of failure is strong enough to keep you from trying (instead of motivating you to succeed), you probably don’t really want to do the thing you think you want to do. Think about it: If you already “know” you’re going to fail anyway, what’s the point in giving it your best effort?

In general, people who struggle with self-doubt are not automatically lazy, but if we think we’re not going to enjoy something, we’re less likely to give it our all. And if our enjoyment of something is entirely dependent on whether or not it comes naturally to us, then it’s not as important to us as we thought.

6. Humans like to lie.

I’m sure you probably think you’re honest about the things you enjoy, but most people are guilty of fudging the details. We pretend we’re not as obsessed with the book we’re reading as we really are. We pretend we’re more into the person we’re having sex with than we really are. And maybe we even pretend to love our job because we like the paychecks it brings in.

Our passions themselves get flipped around in this mess. Something we really love gets pushed to the side because it’s not helpful to us, or we’re not good at it. Meanwhile, thinks we hate doing (but are very good at) become our number one priority. These things might pay the bills or bring us recognition, but if that’s your only source of joy, you’re still missing out!

7. Embrace the “I want” mentality.

We need to understand that we are allowed to want things. We are allowed to try for things that we really want – and we are allowed to enjoy ourselves! Self-doubt comes from an expectation of what everyone else wants. When we start thinking about the things that we want, we are actually less greedy than when we worry about how other people will perceive our actions.

This seems counter-intuitive, so let me explain it a different way: If you’re worried about what everyone else is thinking of you, you’re making a huge assumption. For all you know, they aren’t even paying attention! We are our own harshest critics, and many of us choose to lay the blame on other people. What’s even worse is that we are denying them their right to actually have an opinion, because we never try. We don’t even give them the opportunity to judge us before we say that they have!

8. You are not who you were yesterday.

Every day is a new chance to tackle your problem head on. Maybe you failed before, but that doesn’t mean you’ll fail this time! You have learned since yesterday. The world isn’t in the same place as it was when you went to sleep. Literally everything is different – so what makes you think your luck won’t be?

Of course, this mantra works best for those who make a conscious decision to improve themselves over time. Very little happens on its own, and you’re not going to magically transform into some supreme being overnight. But you are never the exact same person you were. Each day holds countless experiences that mold and shape us. Remember this, and don’t compare yourself to who you were in the past – that’s not who you are anymore!

9. Keep moving forward.

So you tried before, and you failed. Try again. Keep trying until you are completely satisfied with the results – whether that means you no longer want what you thought you wanted, or you actually take charge and win. Any other outcome is not and ending, but merely a speed bump.

Even if you resolve your self-doubt and your desire, there’s never really an ending – just a “to be continued” hanging in the air. Self-doubt is a lifelong battle, but in time it does get easier. Once you have gotten used to moving past your doubts, you may find yourself skipping some altogether. This is great – keep it up! You’re on the path to self-confidence and freedom over your own happiness.

I Feel So Broken After Our Break-Up, And NOW She’s Dating a Close Friend

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I Feel So Broken After Our Break-Up, And NOW She’s Dating a Close Friend

Hey KitschMix,

My girlfriend and me broke up about two months ago, and I was moving on really well until last night. We’re close friends, we still talk, but the night before she finally told me that she and a close friend of mine were dating now and had been for a while. They said they didn’t want to tell me because they were worried I’d be really upset, which I am, naturally.

She told me that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, especially a long distance one, and then she goes off and starts a new long distance relationship with the girl I was going to for help with my heartbreak.

But when I confronted her on this, she told me that she couldn’t have been in a relationship any longer with me anyways because she loved me, but wasn’t in love with me anymore.

I felt everything inside me die then and there and all my hope evaporated. I was and am completely shattered, feeling betrayed, and like I won’t ever be able to trust again. I’ve seriously considered suicide and was an inch away from committing it twice in the last week because the pain is completely destroying me. Every time I think about something sweet she said to me, or the things we did, or the conversations we had, then think about how she’s probably doing that with her new girlfriend, I feel like someone’s branding my heart with a white hot iron. It hurts so freaking badly to know she moved on so quickly when both parties in that relationship know I’m completely ruined.

I’ve accepted it and I want to move on, but I don’t know how to deal with this pain. She and I are still friends (she’s my best friend, actually,) but I get completely shattered really easily whenever she says “we” or something along those lines. I just want the pain to go away. I need help…and soon.

Yikes – your ex dating a close friend is a terrible thing to think about, but it seems to happen a lot in the lesbian community. I have actually had it a few times – and even one ex that seemed to “collect” my other exes to have sex with. It’s kinda gross if you think about it that way, but it’s just a part of life sometimes, particularly if the lesbian population in your area is pretty slim, or if either of them are incredibly shy.

I think one of the things that makes a difference here is whether there was sneakiness, or if anything went on while you two were still together. If there was any overlap whatsoever, or if this friend was talking smack about your girlfriend until you guys broke up, this is not as close of a friend as you thought, and you should probably remove her from your life ASAP.

Even if there isn’t any question of motives or anything like that, you might want to evaluate your friendship with this friend. You can’t really choose who you fall for, but the fact that you were laying your heart out to this person and she went behind your back to pick up your broken/lost pieces is sort of salty. Girl Code states that she should have at least asked for your blessing first. Any time someone says that they didn’t tell you something because they knew you’d be upset, that’s code for “I don’t really care about your feelings, but I feel guilty now and have to unburden myself.”

In this situation, it applies to both of them, because they both kept it a secret from you despite claiming to be friends. Real friends tell you the truth even if you’re not going to like it. Real friends aim to not hurt you if they can avoid it. Real friends are consistent between their words and their actions. Neither of these women sounds like a true friend to me.

I know you’re not going to be happy about this. Breaking up with a BFF can be just as hard as breaking up with a girlfriend – I know. (I made the mistake of dating my best friend once – shall we say ex-best-friend now?) But the best thing to do in your situation is to cut all ties with both of them, if you can. The pain will be there for a while, and you’ll need to take time to rebuild yourself, but neither of them deserves a place in your heart right now.

I know this pain is rough, but I believe that it’s your body’s way of telling you what your heart already knows: These people are not good for your life. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, necessarily, but they are not right for you. It’s okay to make the decision to step away.

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My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know What She Wants

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Q: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know What She Wants

Dear KitschMix,

To provide background: I am 23, graduating college in couple months, and she is 25. We’ve been together almost 3 years.

Just recently we split up, she cried and said she loved me, cared about me. But she said she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be committed longer and was very confused about everything. Wasn’t sure if she is even meant for a relationship, stuff like that.

We’ve been split up for two weeks now, and I’m not sure if it’s significant but all her social media still has me on it. I can feel she cares, but she says she can’t commit right now until she works through this.

So last my friends convinced me last night to text her and ask for a definite answer, she said she didn’t know and I asked again, she said “I guess no since you can’t understand I have no idea”. I then mistakenly posted something on my Twitter about people walking out and she texted me **** off. She said it’s not easy for her and she has to do this for her. I waited a little while and called her, that didn’t go too well. She just told me everything she already has, she’s confused, she doesn’t know, but loves me and misses. I apologized and told her I’d be there. I also sent a message this morning apologizing and telling her to do what she needs to do to be happy.

I’m pretty torn up, I can feel she really cares, but I’m confused about what she’s going through. My question is, does it sound like there is any hope of her realizing?

Hello reader, and thank you for writing in with this. Your lady seems like she is having a hard time understanding where she is in her life right now. Unfortunately, she is completely right – it’s something she needs to do for herself, and no amount of pushing on your part is going to make it any easier. In fact, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that it’s making things so much worse.

I know you’re doing it from a place of love, but let me fill you in on the other side. I’ve had severe anxiety for most of my life, and every now and then I go through periods where I completely freak out about the point my life is in – whether I’m too far “ahead” or too far “behind”. (Both of those quantifiers are completely arbitrary most of the time.) I’m not saying that’s exactly what your girlfriend is going through right now, but it does seem obvious that she’s having some anxiety right now.

From the perspective of the one who does the freaking out, the best thing you can do to help her realize that you plan to stick around is to give her breathing room as she needs it. The fact that she’s keeping you up on your social media (and actually reaching out to you when you do something “wrong”) means that she wants to choose you – but she has to work through some stuff first. Please, for both your sakes, let her.

Be there for her as a friend right now, but don’t push the issue. Offer your assistance if she asks for it, and let her talk through her feelings with you if she wants to. For most people with anxiety, vocalizing the exact reason behind the problem is very difficult – and sometimes it can make the whole situation even more overwhelming. If you want her to stick around, it’s best if you don’t overwhelm her right now.

I do feel that the two of you can work past this, if you can be understanding about her situation. Anxiety of any sort can be agonizing, both for the one suffering and the people in their lives. If you don’t think you can handle waiting for her confusion to settle, it’s probably best if you walk away – it’s not fair to rush her through her self-exploration to make things more convenient for you. Be patient, and be there for her, and things will work out exactly how they’re supposed to.

I Keep Thinking About Having Sex With Other Women

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Q: I Keep Thinking About Having Sex With Other Women

Hi Kitsch Mix,

I’m 25 years old, and have a very strong libido. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for over 2 years.

She is a really nice woman and we love each other a lot. Our sex varies, (as expected) it is mostly amazing, and sometimes it’s good, and sometimes just fun. We usually do it every 2 days or so. She isn’t boring either – she is keen to try new things.

I care about her and I always want her to enjoy it so I will do things differently for her. Make it nicer for her, etc.

Also, she is the only person I’ve had sex with. I’ve had one or two gfs but not had sex with them.

She however, has had sex with other women and men before we met. She said she was in a mess emotionally at the time because of problems at home. She didn’t enjoy her life style and I think it’s kinda messed her up a bit. It took me ages to repair her and get her to relax during sex. We have our ups and downs, but in general she is good.

But, basically, within the past year I’ve been thinking about other women. Whenever a woman walks past, I see if she is pretty and if she is I think about what she would be like in bed, etc.

Inside, I just want to have sex with other women. The feeling is very strong. Now, I’m just thinking about it all the time, all day every day.

I told my gf and asked her for help but she wasn’t happy with me lol. If she told me the same thing, I wouldn’t be happy with her either.

I somehow try to justify it to myself by saying, ‘Well she has done someone else’ so why cant I at least match it?

So to summarise, there’s not really anything major wrong with our relationship but I find myself wanting more. I really can’t help it either and sometimes it makes me feel disloyal.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there a fix? Is this to be expected? What the hell is going on?!?!

Well, reader, your situation is a complicated one, and I think it’s best if I take this apart piece by piece to help you resolve it. Let’s start with this: There is nothing wrong with you. It’s completely natural to fantasize about other people, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, or if your current sexual partner is your first sexual partner. Since both are true in your case, it can be especially tough to keep your mind from wandering. Thankfully, as long as it’s only your mind wandering – there’s nothing to worry about.

My next note is the idea that you tell yourself, She’s had sex with someone else, so why shouldn’t I? The main flaw with this argument is that, I’m assuming, she had sex with these people when she wasn’t dating you. There’s a big difference between experimenting and infidelity. If she was single, or dating them at the time, there is legitimately nothing you can say. If it was before she met you, it’s her past and it needs to stay there.

I understand why your girlfriend was upset with you for your confession – but I also applaud you for opening up to her. Too many people are afraid to communicate their innermost desires with their partner, and it can have serious consequences on your relationship. She might not have been happy with what you told her, but I can guarantee she’s happy that you told her instead of stepping out.

To know where to go from here, you’ll have to think about what’s inspiring you to have these thoughts about other women. Is it just curiosity because of your limited experience? Is it a genuine attraction to these women in particular? Is it boredom with your lady? None of these questions has a “right” or “wrong” answer, as long as you’re honest with yourself. If you’re just curious about any women, and you’re not bored with your lady, it probably doesn’t need to be fixed. You can try taking a break, but not everyone is able to recover after the time apart, so choose wisely.

If you find yourself attracted to particular women, the situation is a little more complicated. Then you have to think about whether they remind you of your lady, or if they have anything in common, or if you’re having these thoughts more on days when you haven’t gotten any action… You know, days that you’re “due” to get some. Believe it or not, that can make a difference. Your eyes always wander more when you are in need of sexual release.

I think my biggest advice to you right now is the same thing I tell my partner often: If there’s nothing to worry about, don’t bring it up. Obviously if you’re actually tempted to cheat, your partner deserves to know, even if she gets mad about it. But if it was just a passing thought and your faithfulness is not in question, there’s no reason to upset her with something that will make her jealous unnecessarily.

Not all women mind the idea of an open relationship, but if I had to guess based on what you’ve told me, your girlfriend is not interested. I wouldn’t recommend pushing it in this situation unless you feel that it’s necessary for your own happiness – in which case she may be the wrong woman for you.

Good luck, reader, and please don’t hesitate to write back in if you need further help!

My Girlfriend of 5 Years Now Likes A Guy

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Q: My Girlfriend of 5 Years Now Likes A Guy

Dear Kitsch Mix,

My girlfriend and I were in a relationship for over 5 years. We started when I was 19 and she 18. Now we both are 24. We really loved each other very much. It was a very serious relationship. However, no one knew (or still doesn’t) about us, as we decided to keep it that way because of the small-minded people around us. Everything was our first time. First kiss, first sex and more importantly first love.

From past 6 months have started to fight almost every day, because I used to seriously doubt her having some feelings for this guy who was in her class. Things were not at all going good. But, even in all this mess I never saw the break up coming, for simple reason that I believed and had faith that both of us love each other a lot and will not let go of each other.

A month back, she told me that she doesn’t love me anymore has been feeling this since college started that is from past 6 months. And the reason she gave me is that she finds this girl n girl thing disgusting now and feels Yuk about it. But she said she still loves me and will always do but in a different way.

After our breakup, a week later she tells me she likes a guy, and today after one month, she has made out with the same guy. I really feel cheated because it’s him. And we both are still very close and tell each other everything. I see her with this guy every day. I told her that I feel cheated and she tells me that she started liking this guy after we broke up, which I find impossible to believe it because she always had this soft spot for him, she used to feel jealous if he used to talk about other girls.

She tells me she feels guilty because she put me through so much pain but she likes this guy a LOT. What should I do? Please help, I need to get over this pain!

Keeping your relationship a secret is never easy, and it invites all sorts of jealousy and confusion between the partners. That being said, I understand why you made that choice – I have made similar decisions in past relationships. Sometimes, it’s the best choice to make. But it can be a scary, inconvenient, and insecure choice, as well.

I do believe that some bi-curious women can have regret about their decision to explore the “other side”, and that sounds like what’s going on here. She decided that she was actually straight after all and she wanted to move forward immediately.

It’s also possible that she is actually bi, but maybe her new man thinks it’s gross – so she thinks it’s gross by association. It sucks, but I’ve known some women like that. One in particular even had a child with her partner, who is now 12 years old – and one day the guy from class who my friend had “nothing to worry about” was her boyfriend. Her super-serious and slightly homophobic Catholic boyfriend. And then all of a sudden, their daughter – who had grown up calling my friend “Mom” and her biological mother “Auntie” – was no longer both of theirs. And she calls this man (who didn’t even enter her life until she was eight) “Daddy”.

I think “Auntie” said something along the lines of, “We were just roommates. This is my child, biologically and emotionally. She was just helping me get on my feet.”

That sounds pretty harsh, right? But the truth in this situation was that my friend’s ex was never really sure if she liked girls. Truth be told, neither of them was – my friend was married when they met. But life doesn’t care what you want for yourself, or what you had planned.

I think it’s possible that your ex was also confused, too, but she stayed with you because you were the right choice for her at the time. It sucks to think of looking back, but it’s an important possibility to consider. If this was the case, and this new guy was even the slightest bit homophobic, I think it is 100% possible that she’s doing the same thing “Auntie” above did when she met her new guy.

(FYI, in that situation, too, there was a bit of overlap suspected between the two relationships – but the chance of getting any of them to admit it is obviously slim.)

Along the same lines as life not caring about your plans, it’s really none of your business what she does with this new guy, and you need to understand that. You can care, but nothing you say is going to change anything – nor should it. Would you want her trying to break up you and your new lady when you have one? It wouldn’t be fair for you to do it to her, either, so just keep your jealousy and hurt feelings away from her.

In time, the pain will subside, although it may take a while. It might be best if you could distance yourself from her and give the new couple their space. I know it might be hard, since you still have feelings for you, but the chance to work things out has passed and you have to respect that. Focus on taking care of yourself for now. If you have a friend or trusted family member you can talk to about it, you can speak to them. If there truly is no one you’d want to know about your relationship, you might find it helpful to write your thoughts down in a journal, or you can always reach out to us here at Kitsch Mix.

I wish you the best for a speedy healing process – just make sure you don’t rush through things. Your first love can take a long time to recover from and it’s important that you don’t short yourself the necessary time.

Take care of yourself!

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How Do You Make Lesbian Friends Without All The Dating Scene Drama?

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Q: How Do You Make Lesbian Friends Without All The Dating Scene Drama?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m just wondering, for people under 18, how do you find friends that also like girls? I find that a lot of apps (HER, tinder, okcupid) and tumblr blogs (girlslookingforgirls, girlswholikegirls) are very focused on the dating scene/more for older people. Most of my close friends are straight and I’m not in college yet so I’m a bit lonely. How would you recommend finding friends?

It can be so frustrating trying to make friends these days, even without the added pressure of being a lesbian. Truthfully, people under 18 are desperately underserved because they’re not old enough for dating sites (which, my experience has led to mostly a collection of friends from those places – even though they’re targeted for romance), and when we do meet friends they’re often far away. (Yep, this one’s true for the over-18 crowd, too.)

When I was a teenager, there was a site specifically dedicated to this subgroup – the gay teen. Sadly it has disappeared, but I probably never would have found the courage to come out if it wasn’t for a few friends I met on that site. With many gay teens considering suicide (the initial reason behind the site in question) it makes sense that they should have their own safe place.

Even though the site I used to love doesn’t exist anymore, there’s a wealth of resources for gay/lesbian teens to meet new friends – but you’re not looking in the right places. Well, for the most part.

I find that Tumblr is a great place to meet other lesbians. Yes, many of the friend-sharing Tumblr blogs are dedicated to more of the dating scene, but there’s a wealth of other blogs out there that aren’t like that – you just have to know what you’re looking for.

Lesbians of Europe is a good one for those who are in Europe and looking for friends. It’s not specifically for teens, but most of the posts are from those in the 25-and-under crowd. Arielle is Hamming isn’t specifically for making friends, but she offers wonderful advice, especially to “newbie” lesbians – and she’s super funny, too. Same goes for Marissa. You might have to sift through a lot of porn and dating blogs, but you can find good lesbian friends on Tumblr too – I’m following about 200 (most of which are mutuals) but it would take me far too long to put the links for every single one.

Next, have you considered Facebook groups? There are many LGBT+ themed Facebook groups and pages out there, and many of them invite their followers to comment on their posts. (Even if they don’t specifically ask for it, who complains about comments?) I’ve made a few new friends this way, and at the very least you’ll get to talk to some new people – even if they don’t make their way onto your friends list. A quick search for “LGBT Teens” shows a few results right off the bat, and there are other pages and groups that aren’t specifically targeted to teens, but can have some great chats too. (I don’t think age should matter in your friendships – most of my friends are twice my age, some are much younger than me, and very few are actually within a few years of me).

KitschMix is a great place to get to know people, too! While a lot of the stuff we do involves the dating scene, there are definitely many places to interact that have absolutely nothing to do with romance and sex. I’ve made a few friends from the comments section here – and definitely seen some comments (and posts) from some people I’d like to be friends with. If you follow us on KitschMix, there are often conversations to get involved in there – just jump into the comments section and start talking to some people!

These three places are great, specifically, because they don’t require you to step out of your comfort zone. You’re protected by the semi-anonymity of the internet, which simultaneously opens you up to a world of opportunities. They’re not the only ways to get involved with other gay youth, but they’re definitely the most common.

My next little hint does require that you step outside your comfort zone, but the rewards will be finding lesbian friends who live close enough to you that you’ll actually be able to see them sometimes. Try checking to see if there are any Pride/LGBT groups in your local area (sometimes Google can help with this). If you have a college or university near you, they’ll usually have a GSA (gay-straight alliance), and contrary to what you might think – you don’t usually have to be a student at that school to attend their events, especially since some of them will be off-campus.

The GSA I was involved with when I was in college had a “headquarters” on campus and another “headquarters” downtown – which made me feel more comfortable because I wasn’t tied into the idea of going to campus after I was no longer a student. It might not be available in your area, as they are all independently run, but if you do have one, I am still friends with most of the people I met from the Pride club – and I stopped going to college in 2013!

Naturally, more options will open up to you once you are of legal age, including bars and clubs and all of that, but you are not limited to just your straight friends while you’re waiting to turn 18, I promise you!

If you are interested in seeing some of the “gay Tumblrs” I follow, feel free to comment on this post and I’ll send you a more private message detailing some of my favorite “age appropriate” ones. Like I said before, there is a lot of porn and dating to sift through, but it is so worth it to find like-minded people.

Take care of yourself, and please don’t hesitate to let me know how my tips helped you (or even if they didn’t!)

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I’m Meant to Be Straight, But I’m In Love With My Gay Best Friend

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Q: I’m Meant to Be Straight, But I’m In Love With My Gay Best Friend

Dear KitschMix,

Firstly, I’ve always considered myself straight. But now I find myself in love with my best friend who is a woman. We’ve been close friends forever and she’s just adorable. We’re always laugh and joke around. We wear the same things (twinning). I go to all of her football games and even stay at her house. We are forever video chatting and if not, we’re texting. I spend my weekends with her, and I tell her everything and she tells me everything. I trust her with my life. She knows more about me than anyone and I know more about her than anyone. When I’m with her all I can do is smile. I really don’t know where I would be without her.

A few months ago, we went out, and started dancing close, and ended up kissing. She told me she liked me and I told her I liked her. But then we both laughed it off as a drunken thing, and said nothing more.

But now she told me she’s met this other woman. I hated her before we’d even met, even though I had no reason to. I just hated her cause she was dating my best friend. And when we did meet there was tension, she didn’t like the way my friend and me were around each other.

Now my friend is annoyed with me. She can tell I don’t like this other woman, but I can see she really likes her. What do I do? The feelings are getting a lot stronger. What do I do? I know I’m in love with her, but I get the feeling my best friend doesn’t trust me because all she has ever know me to be is ‘straight’. Help!

First of all, I can’t help but laugh at your initial question. I’m sure you’re coming to realize this already, but your sexuality pays very little attention to who you want to be. You are who you are, and if you’re lucky, you learn to embrace it. New research suggests that women are never really straight anyway – and I’m a firm believer that very few people are exclusively gay or straight. Sexuality is a broad spectrum, and I believe in the “exception” theory. (That is, there has to be at least one person of your not-preferred-gender that would get you to “change teams”. Mine’s Johnny Depp.)

Second, there is also a (blurred) line between Best Friend Love and Romantic Love. Sometimes this line gets muddied, and we can get confused. This isn’t necessarily what you’re going through, but unless you are 100% sure that you’re not just curious, it’s best if you let your friend enjoy the presence of her girlfriend. Even if you don’t like her, you need to remember that it’s probably coming from a place of jealousy. And if it turns out she’s really not such a good person, hey – your friend will (maybe) heed your advice and dump her. But you’ve got to wait until there is a legitimate reason to not like this girl, or you’re going to look crazy.

Let’s address the possibility that you are definitely in love with your friend. If she wasn’t in a relationship, I would tell you to confess your feelings – the overwhelming fear of the unknown often helps keep us from finding out what might have been. But nobody likes a homewrecker, so you’ll need to do your best to be fair for now. If this woman turns out to be the love of her life, wouldn’t you rather she be happy with someone that’s not you?

That’s not to say that you can’t still express your feelings for her, but you need to be a little graceful with how you do. I’d suggest you try to come out to her first. Let her know that the drunken kiss wasn’t fueled as much by the alcohol as she thought. Tell her you are questioning your sexuality and that she prompted this questioning. Don’t do anything to try and break up her relationship, or you could risk losing her as a friend, too.

One of the hardest thing about this whole situation is that it’s going to be a lesson in “life doesn’t care about your plans”. As much as we’d like to pretend we can influence the situation, really we can’t. If she’s into you and things don’t work out with her girlfriend, she may give you a chance – but if she doesn’t want you, or her girlfriend turns serious, she probably won’t. All you can do is hope for the best and be honest about how you feel.

I wish you the best, reader, and I hope that my advice has helped – please feel free to contact us again if you need anything else!

We’ve Been Dating For Months, BUT She’s Not Prepared To Call Me Her Girlfriend

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Q: We’ve Been Dating For Months, BUT She’s Not Prepared To Call Me Her Girlfriend

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve been seeing this girl regularly for a month now, and things have been going well. We’re both enthusiastic about getting to know each other, doing cutesy & intimate stuff, etc. I feel so comfortable with her, and she’s respectful and understanding, so I want to extend the same and more to her.

I really like this girl, so I talked with her about where our relationship was going, explaining how I wanted to make it official with her. She didn’t give me an answer one way or another, instead telling me that she has daddy issues which affects the way she dates people (she’s bisexual btw). She said she typically looks for boys who resemble her (late) father, so she wasn’t sure if a romantic relationship with a girl was for her since it was so different than what she was used to. Finally, she said, “I can’t have a girlfriend. It’s just not what I’m comfortable with.”

But! Here’s the kicker. She also told me that she likes me a lot, is attracted to me and “doesn’t want to lose” me. She essentially treats me like her girlfriend, but seems hesitant to make it official.

I’m not sure what to make of this. I’m the first girl she’s been involved with romantically, so I get that much. We still talk and hang out with each other. Even after we had that discussion, she initiated cuddling and then kissed me, which surprised me since I was confused by what she said earlier.

Do I wait? I want to be with her and she seems to want the same, but she tells me otherwise? Help…

Nowadays, with everyone trying to “keep it simple” and casual, it’s making stuff so much more complicated. People are afraid to express their feelings because they’re afraid of getting hurt. But often, they’re hurting someone else by doing it – and it might even be worse because it’s unintended.

In your lady’s situation, it’s even more complicated because she’s not certain of her own limits. She knows she likes being with you, but she doesn’t want to set herself up for failure by throwing a label on things. If she’s not comfortable with labeling it you really have two choices:

  1. Accept that there is no official title to your relationship. You can wait for her to change her mind, but it’s important that you understand that might never happen. Or…
  2. Apologize and tell her that you want to be with someone who’s certain. It might come across harsh, but if it’s truly a requirement for you, you must be honest with yourself, and with her.

Let me give you a little example from my own life, as I think it might help.

My current partner and I met on very strange terms. I was reeling from some issues in my past (which were much more recent at the time). I didn’t want to put a label on things because I wasn’t absolutely certain that I could be monogamous. I’m not a cheater, and I would never intentionally put myself in a position to be tempted. Since I was sort of seeing someone else when I met my partner (unofficially), I refused to label either scenario.

The other girl I was seeing wasn’t really relationship-bound, no matter how much I wanted it to be. I was willing to give her my everything, but she wouldn’t settle down with me. You can’t force someone into a relationship they don’t want to be in, which is why I took my now-partner up when she asked me on a date.

From the start, my partner treated me like a queen, and even called me her queen. After a couple of months, I was mostly confident that I was really only interested in being with the second girl. I went to see her every weekend, I texted her from work, and I basically planned my week around when I got to talk to her. (After we had both taken care of our other priorities, of course.) I very rarely saw the other girl, and after a while my attraction to her completely waned.

Even though she had been pestering me about it for a few months already, “Are you ready to be my girlfriend yet?”, and I wasn’t seeing anyone else – I wasn’t ready to put that label on what we had. It wasn’t until I realized that it wasn’t about not having anyone else to want – it was about not wanting anyone else. There’s a very subtle difference between the two. (I think you might be at this point, but your lady friend isn’t quite there yet.)

Then one day, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She waited for me, and she showed me that I was worth waiting for. Since it was “my fault” we weren’t official already, I took the initiative. I apologized for making her wait so long. Inwardly, I was so thankful that she put up with me when I was unsure of myself. Your lady won’t necessarily take this same approach, but if you are patient with her, I do believe it will work in your favor. It seems to me like she does really care about you, and she probably just isn’t ready to promise herself completely to you.

Give her time, if you can handle the wait. What’s the rush?

Do You Need To Sleep With A Woman To Be A Lesbian?

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Q: Do you need to sleep with a woman to be a lesbian?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m not sure where to start and you probably get letters like this all the time, but I genuinely can’t tell if I’m attracted to women or not. I suppose it’s not that important one way or the other, but it’s frustrating feeling like I don’t understand myself. I mean, there are certainly some signs I might be attracted to women.

I dated a guy for a few years in high school, but we never even came close to having sex. But I also was suffering from severe depression at the time and had zero sex drive (the idea of sex didn’t interest me until I was in my 20s and fixed my problem with depression). He was the only person I’ve ever dated, but I wasn’t physically attracted to him.

I’ve had a lot of female friends I really liked. But, how do you distinguish between enjoying someone’s company and being attracted to them in a more romantic sense? I know, it’s like I’m asking how to be human here. I just can’t say that I’ve ever had a feeling for a man that I haven’t for a woman or the other way around.

While I’d enjoy companionship, I’m nervous about starting to date anyone. I dunno if I’m attracted to anyone and I wouldn’t want to lead anyone on. Possibly I’m using this as a bit of an excuse to not put myself out there since I haven’t dated anyone in years now and basically haven’t dated anyone, but I also genuinely don’t want to mislead anyone. How many people are going to be interested in dating me though if I say, “By the way, I might be lesbian”?

Well, reader, first let me tell you you’re exactly right – it’s not really that important. At least, it shouldn’t be important to anyone but you (and whoever you are sleeping with – which, from what I can tell, is no one at the moment). That being said, it can be frustrating to not know how to label yourself, should you decide you want a label. (Some people choose to not label themselves, which is a completely appropriate option – after all, it’s really no one’s business unless you want it to be their business, anyway.)

Next, to answer your initial question: No, you don’t have to sleep with a woman to know you’re a lesbian (or to be a lesbian). Just as virgins can know they are heterosexual, they can also know that they’re homosexual or bisexual, or whatever label truly fits. Some people need to confirm it to themselves (I did) but that doesn’t mean you owe an explanation or “references” to anyone else.

Depression can drastically affect your sex drive, so it’s understandable that you wouldn’t have wanted sex if you were battling some serious mental health concerns. It’s possible that you weren’t attracted to men, it’s possible you were suffering from the physical aspect of depression symptoms, and it’s also possible that the guy you were with wasn’t enough to pique your sexual interest. It’s even possible that it was a combination of all of these factors rolled into one.

Next, I would like to let you know that the spectrum of sexuality reaches much further than most people realize. Many people consider two end points (gay and straight) and sometimes bisexuals falling evenly in the middle. The truth is, it’s a lot more complicated than that. It’s not even a circle, really – it’s more of a Venn diagram. Remember those from middle school?

Here are some of the commonly used labels (with very generalized descriptions – please, if there is a reader who falls within one of these labels and would like to define it more clearly, don’t hesitate to share in the comments section!). There is an infinite number of possibilities here, really… So just because it didn’t make my list doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate label of your sexual expression.


Refers to a complete lack of sexual attraction, to any gender. Some asexuals may perform sexual favors for their partner, but that is an individual decision – and it definitely does not apply to everyone.


Refers to someone who is sexually attracted to both binary genders. While it’s often assumed that these are equal, that is not always the case – many bisexuals prefer one gender over the other.


Often assumed to be similar to bisexuality, pansexuals feel that gender is unrelated to sexual attraction.


Refers to exclusive attraction to the opposite gender as yourself.


Refers to exclusive attraction to the same gender as yourself.


Refers to someone who is not romantically attracted to anyone – regardless of gender. Sometimes, they can be sexually attracted to someone, but they do not feel “love”.


Refers to someone who is romantically attracted to both binary genders. Just as with bisexuality, it’s not always an even 50% for each gender.


Refers to someone who is romantically attracted to someone irrespective of their gender.


Refers to someone who is exclusively romantically attracted to someone of the opposite gender.


Refers to someone who is exclusively romantically attracted to someone of the same gender.

No Label

Refers to someone who doesn’t feel the need to define their sexuality or their emotional attractions. For all intents and purposes, it is the same as pansexual and panromantic, but without the acknowledgement of a specific label. In a perfect world, “no label” would be the default unless otherwise specified.

Questioning/Curious (which is how I would classify you right now)

Refers to those who are uncertain of their sexuality. It usually implies that you are at the point where you are exploring your options (sometimes involving sex, and other times just dating) there should never be any push from others to do something you’re not comfortable with. I’m not saying it won’t happen, but you are under no obligation to give into their “demands”!

With these different criteria for romantic and sexual attractions, a “complete” sexual label would involve taking a label from each category and combining them into your specific label. For example, someone who is exclusively sexually attracted to their gender but romantically attracted to all genders could be considered “homosexual panromantic”. The thing to remember is that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers – your label is a personal decision and it is completely acceptable to refuse any label (just look at how many celebrities have “not come out” lately!).

In regards to your next question – “how do you distinguish between enjoying someone’s company and being attracted to them in a more romantic sense?” – this answer is different for everyone, too. It’s hard to tell exactly what pulls you into a person, especially since the best relationships usually start as something closer to friendship. Trust me, you’ll definitely recognize the shift in feelings if it happens, and your instincts may tell you what to do at this point. (If they don’t, feel free to come back and ask us another question!)

For your final question, I think that there are many people who don’t mind the lack of a label. As long as you’re honest with your potential partners, in most cases there won’t be much of a problem. (Although, admittedly, when I was still questioning myself, there were some guys I dated who knew that I was pretty sure I wasn’t interested in guys… They said they were OK with it, but once I was certain that I definitely was not interested in them, they were significantly less OK with it.)

If you are honest with the people you’re pursuing about where you stand, you will feel confident in your decision to not waste your time with someone who’s not OK with where you are in your self-discovery. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want you as you are?

Take care of yourself, Reader, and please don’t hesitate to write back if you need more help!

How Do You Improve Your Gaydar?

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Q: How Do You Improve Your Gaydar?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, and I am wondering how to tell who is gay? This is way harder than I thought and I’m completely incompetent when it comes to walking up to and saying hello to people I’m not sure would even be interested in talking lol. cries for days

Well, reader, I think I have a somewhat unpopular opinion on this subject.

You see, I don’t think “gaydar” is a real thing.

We can make speculations about someone, and we can even hope that someone will be gay. But unless we really know them, there’s often no way to tell if they’re gay. The only ways to tell are pretty much based on stereotypes, and very few of them hold true. Unless someone tells you that they’re gay or straight or bi or asexual… You really have no idea.

I can, however, tell you a few ways that you can tell a girl isn’t gay.

  • Long fingernails usually mean she’s not gay. It’s not a definite (naturally, a Pillow Princess could have long fingernails with no problems) but chances are, if her nails are long or covered in intricate nail art (the 3D kind)… They’re probably not going to be anywhere near a vagina.
  • Showing affection to a guy usually means she’s not gay. Then again, it’s usually safe to assume that someone showing affection to someone else, especially in public, is probably not looking to replace that person any time soon. Showing a guy affection could mean something else entirely, too – nothing is set in stone.
  • Pregnancy usually means she’s not gay. Before anyone objects to this one, there are definitely lesbians who choose to conceive children – but the general assumption is that, if she’s still pregnant, she probably has a partner – whether male or female. It’s possible to be pregnant and single, but among lesbians, most pregnancies are planned in great detail, so it’s best to assume she’s spoken for unless she approaches you.

That’s really all there is – and even those are greatly generalized. For the most part, I don’t really believe in making any assumptions about people based on their appearances, as looks can be deceiving. Aside from that, it’s a bit disrespectful to assume you know someone based on your first impression. I know, it’s in our nature to make “first impression” judgments – but I don’t think that judgment should come without a conversation. It is literally impossible to know someone you’ve never spoken to.

(I also argue with anyone who says they “met me” when I was a baby, and for the very same reason.)

I’ve never been very good with “Guess the Gay”, but I used to try a lot when I was a teenager. All I learned from guessing is that your assumptions about a person are usually based on what you want them to be. If you see someone whose style is similar to yours, you want to think they’re similar to you, because you could be friends with them. If someone’s style is drastically different, you want to think they’re nothing like you, because your brain doesn’t instantly see a connection.

While I don’t believe you can tell if someone’s gay just by looking at them, that’s actually an invitation for a deeper connection. I think you should approach someone you’re interested in (as long as you’re certain you can handle the rejection if she’s straight!) and strike up a conversation. In time, the conversation with either turn into a friendship or a relationship, or it’ll just be a conversation. But you won’t know until you say hello!

Coming Out At Christmas

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Q: Coming out at Christmas

Dear Kitsch Mix,

I’m planning on coming out to my family sometime over the next few weeks. I want to be prepared for the questions they may ask – are there any that threw you for a loop when you all came out? What should I expect?

Hello, reader! First of all, let me tell you: My coming out experience was pretty pain-free. Most of my family has been very supportive, and I still have some of the friends I had before I came out. (Some of them even came out around the same time I did – that was a lucky coincidence. Or maybe it was something deeper than that… Hmm.)

As easy of a time as I had coming out of the closet, I would strongly urge you to not do it around the holidays. Unless you are 100% sure that the mood will be loving and supportive, there is a potential for things to go seriously wrong. It will probably be easiest on you if you wait until you can have one-on-one time with the people you want to tell – and prioritize them based on whose opinions you feel most confident about.

In my case, I chose to come out to my closest friends first. I lost a few, but I expected I would – I was in a small Podunk town when I started coming out, and there are a lot of closed-minded rednecks in the area. As I met new friends, I came out to them, too. It became part of my discussions, and while some “more mature” lesbians may tell you that doing this makes you look bad, think about it:

By choosing how you define yourself to people, you are giving yourself power over their thoughts about you. Coming out to someone is a huge step – but coming out to them right away makes it easier.

(FYI, after I finished coming out to everyone important to me, I stopped coming out to everyone right away – it was just an exercise in self-confidence, and I advise you to do the same.)

Once I started to be more comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian, I wrote a letter to my mom. There was a bunch of stuff in the letter, not just my sexuality – but I’m better in writing, so I spilled my heart out on the paper. My mom and I have never been very emotionally close, but I know she supports me in everything I do, and I knew she wouldn’t turn me away.

I told her that I liked girls (although, at the time I wasn’t sure if I was bisexual or a lesbian – I knew that wouldn’t make a difference to her.)

I told her that I was sexually abused by someone in the family. (When I wrote the letter, the problem had already went away.)

I told her that my sexuality had nothing to do with the abuse. I didn’t go into specific details with her on either, but I told her the two were not connected.

I told her that I loved her and I respect her. I think that’s important, and part of the reason you should tell each person individually – it gives them the respect of having time to process everything. We want people to react positively, but if you put a bunch of people on the spot at the same time, they may feel forced into giving a positive reaction. (It’s the same reason I don’t see the romance in a big public proposal – sorry, but no one wants to be the asshole who says no, so you’ve got no choice but to say yes – everyone’s watching!)

Lastly, I told her where I would be. In my situation, I stuck the note on top of her purse and went to a friend’s house. I didn’t want to intrude on her time to think, but I didn’t want her to worry, either. Running away isn’t always necessary, nor is it always advised – but if you are scared of the response, you have every right to put some padding there until they have processed.

Coming out to my mom was the most detailed of any of my coming out stories, but since I knew she would be supportive, it was easiest to start with her. It was like practice – my “first draft” coming out story. Sure, I’d come out to the people I hooked up with, the people I dated, and the friends that came and went – but my mom was the first important one.

Every time you come out to a person, you feel more confident with your ability to come out – which allows you to save the “hardest” one for when you’re your most confident. In my case, my grandmother was the most difficult for me – ever since I came out to my dad, he put it in my head that my grandmother would disown me if she knew I was a lesbian. She was homophobic, he told me, and she wouldn’t accept me.

I think the worst part about that is that I waited so long to finally come out to her (in a letter, just like I did with my mom) that I feel I missed out on so much… Because when I did finally come out to her, she just laughed.

“Your father’s a pisser,” she replied when I finally did tell her. “He must be forgetting that I had gay friends when he was growing up. And I sort of had a feeling about you.”

I had missed out on almost five years. I avoided my grandmother’s questions (“Do you have a boyfriend yet?”) and avoided telling her about my life (“So when am I going to have great-grandchildren?”) because I believed an assumption. Sometimes, when we think someone’s going to react a certain way, they completely surprise us.

This is why I can’t really tell you any questions to prepare for – it takes a long time to come up with every answer people can bring up when you come out. I’m still discovering new questions all the time, ones that I don’t quite have an answer prepared for yet. (I’ve been out for about ten years, for a time reference.)

I hope that your coming out experience is wonderful and supportive, and that your family welcomes you with open arms long after you identify yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us, as well, and if anyone else has anything to add to this discussion – please leave it in the comments!

Butch Lesbian In Need Of Some Dating Advice?

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Q: Butch Lesbian in Need of Some Dating Advice?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m butch in appearance, and identify as gay, but I’ve never had a girlfriend or been intimate with a woman. Now I’ve met someone that I really like, but she is VERY experienced. She is also really hot, and I just don’t know how to approach her. I can tell she’s attracted to me. I’m her type. But my shyness and inexperience is letting me down. I get so nervous around her, and now I’m scared I’ll miss my opportunity – I’m not the only person interested in her. Help, I come across as confident stud, but deep down I’m not.

Well, reader, let me tell you first – it doesn’t matter how many people are interested in her. That’s just a figment of your imagination, your fear manifesting itself as competition. You shouldn’t care how many people want her – she wants you, right? That’s infinitely more important than her perceived “demand”. If she wants to be with you, she doesn’t care how many other people want her. And if she’s going to move onto the next person just because you’re not 100% sure of things, then pursuing her would be a waste of time anyway.

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s continue to the actual advice here.

First and foremost, I urge you to be honest with her about your experience level. There’s never a good reason to lie about it, but for some reason people are tempted to do just this. Don’t! It’s not going to help anything and the first time you get her into bed she’ll know the difference and probably be hurt if you lied.

I’m not trying to assume that you have been dishonest – but your confident mask might not be the best approach here. There’s an important distinction between “confidence” and “experience”. Usually the two go hand-in-hand, but I am super experienced and not very confident – just like there are many who are super confident and not very experienced.

It’s almost amusing, actually.

Here’s the thing, though. I’m super shy too. Like sit at the back of the bar and blush when someone cute makes eye contact kind of shy. You know what that’s taught me? Some girls like shy girls.

Think about it this way. Someone has this tough wall, and they present themselves as being this badass (which I totally try to do, not that it works). They become attracted to someone, but they can’t communicate their feelings, no matter how hard they try. (You definitely do have to try, though.) The crush of this person sees that they make them flustered, which is a huge ego boost for someone who isn’t normally the pursuer. If the attraction is mutual, they feel more at ease because they have the confidence that this person isn’t just trying to play games with them. If she is actually as confident as you appear, and she sees that she gives you butterflies and all that nonsense – she might pursue you.

You see what I’m saying?

Of course, it’s not a perfect science, and like I said, you’ll still have to try to get her attention. In my experience, writing a note can be an easy way to do this. You’ve got unlimited time to get the words out “just right” (even though you’ll probably change them twenty times), you don’t have to trip over your tongue when you’re trying to get your point across, and she gets to see you blush when she reads it (if you’re a blusher – I am totally a blusher, and apparently it’s part of my charm).

There’s just something undeniably adorable about seeing someone blush when they tell you their feelings. I think it’s just because you can’t fake it – it’s a facial expression that you literally can’t control. Other non-verbal communication can be faked and that makes them lose some of their meaning.

But not blushing.

You blush when you’re shy, or when you’re embarrassed, or sometimes even when you’re aroused. For the most part, all three of these things are tell-tale signs that you’re into someone.

But I hate being a blusher, so I completely understand if you don’t want to put yourself in a position to blush in front of this girl. That’s going to make the pursuit a little more difficult, but as long as you’re honest and what you say comes from the heart – it shouldn’t stand in your way.

If you’re not a blusher, it actually makes it easier on you, in a way. Sure, you won’t have the rosy-cheeked charm, but you can keep your cool, confident mask on and just pretend you’ve got it under control. You can force yourself to take that step anyway, having the “safety net” of knowing that she won’t know your heart is racing and your palms are sweaty. You never know – it could work out wonderfully!

Thank you for writing in, and I look forward to hearing how it goes!

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Should I Tell Her I’m Gay and That I Like Her?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Should I Tell Her I’m Gay and That I Like Her?

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve had a crush on this girl in one of my classes all semester. We’ve been paired up in our class a few times so we’ve talked a bit, and even exchanged numbers for studying purposes. Since the first time we were paired up I feel like she’s been either flirting with me or being very friendly. l really like this girl. She is very pretty and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. The thing is I don’t know if she still has a boyfriend and/or if she is straight. Someone advised me to text her and be very straightforward with her. Should I text her? If I do, what should I say that isn’t awkward, or make me come across as creep?

Honestly, reader, if you want to know, the easiest way to know is to ask.

But I’m like you – I’m super conscious of everything I do that could come across as awkward or make me sound like a creep. It’s tough to find the right balance.

In this day and age, most people aren’t offended by a show of interest, even if it’s not reciprocated. Of course, there’s still a risk, but especially among females, it’s usually considered more flattering than creepy. Especially if you’re polite and considerate about how you present your feelings.

Maybe you’re looking for a more “sly” way to do it though, which is something I understand. You could consider texting her about “the girl you like” – without making a big deal about you being gay – and see where that goes. I’m really keen on “dropping hints” and letting them get picked up as they will. But I’m pretty shy, and I don’t really like to draw a huge amount of attention to my sexuality most of the time. (There are definitely some exceptions.)

As shy as I am, though, I do understand that there will always be a “what if” for anything you want that you don’t pursue – and this girl is no different. If you don’t tell her how you feel, you’ll never know if she feels the same way unless she happens to be much more daring than you. I don’t like to wait around on other people, so if I was in your shoes I’d probably just bite the bullet, so to speak.

It’s not easy to open up to someone, especially in a situation where you work and/or attend classes together. There’s this scary though that, if she rejects you, you’ll still have to see her every day – which can definitely be super awkward.

I wish I had some super magical tip for you here, but there isn’t one. If you want to know if she’s into you or just being nice, you’ve got to face your fears and say something – or else you could be waiting around for her to say something (which may never happen).

I wish you the best of luck, and please don’t hesitate to write back to let us know how things turned out – I’m rooting for you!

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Should I Shave Down There?

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Q: Should I Shave Down There?

Dear KitschMix,

I’m a newbie lesbian who’s just entered into my first real relationship with another woman. I generally stay pretty hairy. I don’t shave my legs or armpits and usually just give my bush a trim every once in a while. I’m never hairless because I find it less comfortable, but I’m now considering shaving because I am super femme and have a femme girlfriend (who I’m not sexual with yet). What’s the norm and does having hair down there make sex difficult?

Well, reader, let me address your letter in a few separate parts. There are a few distinct answers in regards to what I have to tell you.

First: The idea that hairiness is not feminine is purely cultural. Society tells us to equate smooth, hairless skin with femininity – but that’s not a universal thing. I strongly feel that society should not dictate what you do with your own body, and yes, this includes your body hair.

Second: Your body hair actually serves a purpose, believe it or not, and this is especially true for pubic hair. There are pros and cons to shaving, as well as not shaving. I feel that I should address these things separately, so that you can make your own decision.

Third: There is no “normal”. There is only “common” – and what is common will depend on a huge variety of factors. Your culture, your age, and your relationship status will each play a small part in it, but you shouldn’t lean so heavily on what works for everyone else – focus on you.

Fourth: Pubic hair doesn’t make sex “difficult”, but it is a different experience. My current partner’s body hair situation is pretty similar to yours, although she does not identify as femme. But, like I said in my first point, the idea that body hair is inherently masculine is not really based in any facts. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been with who doesn’t shave anything, and while it took a little while for me to get used to, it’s one of my longest (and most sexual) romantic relationships.

Now, onto the specifics of whether you should shave or not. I would like to reiterate that it is a personal decision whether you shave or not, and anyone who is genuinely interested in you won’t really care one way or the other. I had an ex who used to get embarrassed when I said “I’ll take it however I can get it” when the subject of shaving came up. Truthfully, though, there’s still a vagina under there either way – and every vagina is already different by design, whether you choose to shave or not.

The Advantages of Shaving:

  1. You can put designs in it. Some “adult stores” even sell little stencils you can use to shave a heart, a star, or a “racing stripe” as one of my exes so affectionately referred to hers. It doesn’t make much of a difference in the sexual experience whether you choose a design or you just shave it all off.
  2. It’s sensitive down there after you shave. Like, really This can be a good thing, especially if your girlfriend is skilled at teasing. (Trust me on this one.)
  3. Pubic hair can hold onto odors – and a shaved vagina may smell better than an unshaved one. You can get around this by paying close attention to your washing habits and using a pH balanced soap that is intended specifically for “intimate” areas. Generally speaking, if you’re washing properly (and eating a fair amount of fruits), your vagina is going to smell fine.
  4. If your girlfriend has a tongue ring, hair from an unshaved vagina will get wrapped around it during oral sex. Apparently, most of the time this doesn’t hurt, but there is a chance that the stuck hair will get yanked out by the jewelry. If you shave, there’s no hair to get stuck.
  5. Choking on a pubic hair isn’t fun. During oral sex with an unshaved partner, the hair can stick to the back of your throat if you get a little too “enthusiastic”, and you’ll feel like you have to cough up a hair ball. Because you do. (You get used to it, though, and after a while it’s actually something you can crack jokes about.)
  6. Some women are incredibly aroused by the sight (and feel) of a shaved vagina. Your girlfriend might be one of them. But of course, this shouldn’t be the primary reason you decide to shave – although it can be used as a tie breaker.

The Advantages of Not Shaving:

  1. If you shave it, you’re going to have to keep shaving it, or it will be uncomfortable. This is true for pretty much any part of your body. (Although, unlike the myth, the hair will not grow back thicker and darker. It only seems thicker because the end of the hair is flat, rather than tapered like “virgin” hairs.)
  2. While it’s really smooth and sensitive for probably the first day after you shave, for the next two to three days after that first day, it’s going to be really itchy, and you might be tempted to scratch until you bleed. (From personal experience, don’t do this – it’s a pain like none other. That skin is really sensitive, after all.)
  3. Your pubic hair is there to keep your vagina “clean”. It helps to prevent some infections, and it can keep it relatively warm. When you shave it, you not only remove the “cushion” between your clothing and your vagina (hint: tight underwear can cause yeast infections), but you also run the risk of ingrown hairs – which, for some people, can lead to painful cysts (caused by a staphylococcus infection). If you happen to get these cysts, they can get to the point you’ll need to go to the emergency room to have them cut open and drained – which is not fun. (I’ve got a two-inch scar on my inner thigh from one such cyst.)
  4. Shaving takes time, and is a learning process. My girlfriend has told me that she doesn’t shave because she can’t be bothered. Honestly, as long as you’re washing and trimming, it doesn’t make a difference with the sexual experience. Shaving your pubic hair will add an estimated 5-10 minutes to your shower time, every time you decide to shave.
  5. When you shave, you are likely to miss spots. If you don’t shave, this won’t be a problem.
  6. Some women associate a hairless vagina with pedophilia. You could get around this by leaving a patch. Or, you can just decide that you don’t care if it looks like a child’s pubic area – your partner knows you’re not a child, after all.

As you can see, there are a multitude of reasons why you should or shouldn’t – so it all comes down to your personal preferences. There’s not really anything set in stone, whatever you decide, so you’re always free to change your mind and give the other option a shot. Just keep in mind the pros and cons, and make your choice based on what’s comfortable for you. More important than how other people feel about it is your own “bush confidence”. You’re the only one who actually has to be happy with your decision.

How Long Should I Wait?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Long Should I Wait?

Hi KitschMix,

I met a woman a few months ago and we got along really well. We got chatty on social media and stayed in touch throughout the year. I reached out to her a few weeks ago and we had a really long talk. We spoke about marriage, kids, and our future plans. She also asked me out on a date. I said yes but we hadn’t agreed on a day/time. That same night, though, we went out and things got pretty intense. It was obvious that there was plenty of intellectual and sexual chemistry. We had a really great night and we agreed to see each other during the week.

However, none of that came to fruition. She said she planned our date for the weekend, but on Saturday she didn’t message me at all. I got annoyed and called her twice, and she just told me she was out with her friends. She didn’t contact me the following day either. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Is it even worth pursuing anymore? Is she even interested if she cancels on me twice with no apologies and doesn’t even bother to get in touch afterward? I don’t date often and have no idea how this works, so can you please clarify this for me? I thought I’d give it another week to see if she’d say anything. How long should you give someone to plan your first date? Because I waited 11 days, which seems fairly long to me.

Let me start my advice with a little story. This is one of the possibilities I see in your situation, but definitely not the only one.

Shortly before I met my current girlfriend, I was introduced to someone else, through mutual friends. We hit it off instantly – she challenged me intellectually, which is something that I don’t often find in others. (Maybe I’m just a bit pretentious, but I don’t consider the lack of an intellectual challenge to be a deal breaker; just that the challenge is a nice bonus.)

The first day we hung out together – at a party, hosted by yet another mutual friend, it was almost magical. I usually have a “no sex on the first date rule”, but I almost broke it. Yeah, it was that intense. We kept talking, but I was working two jobs at the time, and she was working full-time and taking care of her nephew. It was hard to match our schedules up, so we didn’t really hang out much – but we often stayed up all night texting and flirting.

As she lived with her mother and her nephew, I couldn’t go to her place; I had to wait for her to come to me (as I just lived with roommates at the time). It was tough to find time when we were both available – in the six months we were “talking”, I think we actually saw each other 6 times. (11 days does seem like a long time – but sometimes you have to be patient. In the grand scheme of things, 11 days is really not that long, after all.)

Well, in time, I learned that, not only did she have work and family life for me to compete with, but she was also seeing one of her coworkers. We had never discussed exclusivity, and we only discussed the possibility of a “future relationship” – never actually putting one in place. Here’s where my story takes a turn for the slightly immature: Once I realized she was seeing someone else, I decided to “retaliate” and also see someone else. I was hoping to make her jealous, and it actually worked – I saw her more frequently once she knew she had to “share” my attention. I’m not really proud of it, but it helped me to feel better at the time.

Looking back now, I can see that she wasn’t so much interested in having me to herself as she was interested in “winning” – which is possibly also why she offered such an intellectual challenge to me. As a romantic, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that not everyone is interested in the relationship. Some women are more interested in the chase. They want to know they can have you, but they don’t necessarily want you.

It’s possible that this girl you’re pursuing falls under this category: She wants the chase, she wants to know she can keep your attention, but she doesn’t necessarily want to give you hers. It’s important that you consider this as a possibility in your situation.

Another possibility is that she’s busy. After all, it hasn’t even been a month yet, and it is important to spend time with your friends even if you are romantically interested in someone. Many lesbians have the tendency to put their friendships on the back burner when they’re seeing someone, so she may be forcing herself not to do this as she prepares for you to be a part of her life.

If you are seriously interested in dating her, I advise you to have patience. In time, the situation will become more apparent. If she continues making excuses and refusing to value your time, pursue someone else – but not for the same reason I did. Rather than trying to make her jealous, which might work, focus instead on doing your own thing – which will definitely work.

(By the way, if you were curious, the “other woman” I started dating happened to turn into a long-term partner. Christmas Eve will mark two years that we’ve been together, and I couldn’t be happier.)

Instead of trying to put a time limit on this, you should focus on doing your own thing. Relationships rarely work out if they’re the primary goal, and if you put too much emphasis on it, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, and possibly for her to take advantage of you. Enjoy your life and don’t worry about anyone who doesn’t worry about you.

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How Do I Mingle At A Lesbian Bar?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Mingle At A Lesbian Bar?

Dear KitschMix,

I’ve been out for 2 years now and I thought I was fine with waiting until I moved to a bigger city to actually start dating or hooking up with someone. Apparently not it seems.

This spring I’ll be visiting a couple of friends who live in a very gay-friendly city and I figured I could check out a few gay bars/clubs while I’m there.

The problem is I have no idea what I would do there. Do lesbians even do hook-ups? And how would I make my intentions clear? What do you wear? Are there any codes?

My friends have told me I should be fine there because of my accent (since I’m not a native English-speaker) but I doubt that’s gonna help as much as they might think.

I haven’t dated since I was 14 and all the people I know are straight so I’m pretty much clueless.

Lesbian bars and clubs are great for meeting people, but in my experience they’re a better venue for making friends than for finding a girlfriend. Your experience may vary, but most gay bars cater more towards gay men (at least, all the ones I’ve ever been to have – and I’ve been to probably a dozen different clubs). That’s not to say you can’t meet a girl there, especially if you only intend to hook up.

Personally, I wouldn’t try it, though. There are easier ways to meet someone, that don’t involve alcohol and barely being able to hear each other – this is the age of technology, after all, and there are dating apps for those looking to get married as well as those looking for a one-night-stand. Yes, even for lesbians! The best part about this is you don’t even have to wait for Spring – you can start right now. If you drive, you can do some short travelling to get to a girl that piques your interest. But even if you don’t (I don’t) you can always find a girl willing to travel to you. Don’t underestimate the power of love – sometimes, long distance relationships can be the best!

Some lesbians definitely do hookups. Not all, of course, and there’s no way to tell just by looking at them. This is another reason dating apps are great – you can usually see, before you even begin talking to someone, what their intentions are. Most sites that are actually meant for dating will let you choose what you’re looking for from a list.

The easiest way to make your intentions clear is to just come straight out and say it. It seems over-simplified, but it’s the truth. I am a strong advocate for open, honest communication. If you’re looking for sex – say so! It’s not fair to lead someone on, and it’s no fun being led on, so by having that conversation as soon as you decide you’re interested in the person, you can save yourself (and the other person) from a world of hurt.

As far as what you wear: Some people will tell you to “dress in order to attract the girl you want to date”. My mom told me this one time when I went to a gay bar with her. (She’s not gay, but she’s always been pretty supportive… And, well, I had recently dumped a girlfriend she hated, so there’s that, too.) Now, ordinarily, I think my mom’s advice is pretty spot-on, but in this particular case, do not do that. You should dress a way that makes you comfortable. This doesn’t necessarily mean sweat pants and a tank top, but you shouldn’t go against your usual style. If you do end up finding a relationship based off of how you dress, do you want your “second date” to involve explaining why you were dressed so differently the day you met – or be uncomfortable all over again? I wouldn’t.

There aren’t really any “codes”, except to be honest, and don’t be a creep. This seems pretty simple, but what I mean here is if a girl tells you she’s not interested, she’s not interested. She’s most likely not playing hard to get. Thank her for her time, and move on – you can’t really help who you’re attracted to, and if you push the issue she’s probably going to be even more turned off.

Honesty is also pretty important, and a lot of people take that for granted. We like to create this idea of who we are, even if it’s total b.s., and that’s really not fair to the other person (or ourselves). Be yourself, and be the best “you” that you can be. Don’t try to be anyone you’re not, and don’t pretend you’re rich if you really have $3. (Although I totally support the idea of pretending to be poor if you’re actually rich – it helps keep away the people who would only be interested in you for your money… But I digress.)

I think you’re right about the accent, though. I don’t think it’s necessarily going to help, but it probably won’t hurt, either. There are a lot of girls who just swoon at the sound of an accent – sometimes it doesn’t even matter what accent. There’s something about someone who talks different that is exotic. But I don’t know of anyone who dislikes anyone because of their accent. Either it’s a turn-on, or it’s not even a consideration.

Specifically in regards to “mingling”, the best way to approach a girl is to actually approach her. Walk up, introduce yourself, offer to buy her a drink if you want – just don’t get her wasted if you have hopes of hooking up, because that’s pretty much not a good thing. Keep it classy, and have fun.

Just be you, and be confident with yourself. Don’t worry about hooking up your first time out. Just focus on having a good time, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If it doesn’t happen, set up an online dating profile – but don’t let it be the only thing you do. Love finds us exactly when it’s meant to.

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How Do Clarify My Sexuality?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do Clarify My Sexuality?

Dear KitschMix,

I am a 20-something female who has recently been strongly questioning my sexuality. I have never really had a boyfriend, and have had somewhat on-and-off feelings towards girls for a while. I decided to really explore my bi-side because lately I’ve noticed that when a guy does show interest in me, I get turned off and shut things down.

Here is my issue: I have started talking to this girl and she is AWESOME. The coolest person I have ever met! But now I’m worried that I have her in a friend-frame of mind; like I want to be her, not with her. I also find myself starting to do the distancing thing I do with guys.

What’s wrong with me?? Am I not actually bi? I’m just feeling very confused over my sexuality. I’m just feeling very overwhelmed.

Well, reader, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality. I think it’s actually healthy to question – not only this, but literally every aspect of your life. It helps you to define what part of you is really you, and what parts are just what you think you should be.

That being said, there is actually a completely different possibility for your sexuality, that you might want to consider: You could be ace.

Now, as much as we talk about femme invisibility, bisexual invisibility, and all that stuff… Asexual invisibility might just be the most severe. There’s this misconception that says that asexual individuals have something wrong with them, or that they’re just not looking into the right people. That is a possibility, of course, but it’s simply not true – asexuality is a real thing, and if you’re not sure why you’re shutting down with her (and guys as well), it’s possible that you could be a biromantic asexual. Of course, labels are just labels, so you’ll have to do some soul-searching to decide if that’s really what applies to you.

I don’t want to say that’s definitely your situation, though. There’s this thing I saw somewhere (I want to say Tumblr?) that says “Life goals or wife goals?” It’s sort of a joke, but it’s also sorta not. It can be really tricky, because sometimes it’s hard for us to understand what it is we want from someone. I know I’ve dated some of the “wrong girls” because of stuff like this, and it can be pretty frustrating afterwards. (This is especially true if you start feeling like you’re not “good enough” for them, so let me tell you right now: There’s no such thing as “good enough” or not. Be you, and everything else will fall into place eventually.)

My next point is that, just because you might not be attracted to this one girl, or some guys, doesn’t automatically mean you’re not attracted to any. It seems cliché, but sometimes when we’re desperate for love and/or affection, we strive for someone we’re not actually into all that much – and then we get frustrated if it doesn’t work out like we think it should. It’s possible that your subconscious is picking up on clues that your conscious mind isn’t, and it’s “shutting you down” so you don’t make a mistake. I think there are some people who call this being “demisexual” – which falls close to asexuality, but not quite.

It’s also definitely possible that you aren’t actually bisexual, or that you aren’t bisexual anymore. Most people agree that sexuality is pretty fluid, and there’s actually a lot of people who have had their sexuality fluctuate throughout their life. There’s nothing wrong with this and anyone who tells you otherwise is most likely not confident enough with their own sexuality. (A generalization, of course, but seriously – you can’t help who you are or are not attracted to.)

The biggest thing here is that no one else can really define your feelings for you – I’m sorry to say, but it’s something you will have to figure out on your own. I can give you a few options that I think might apply, but it’s up to you to determine the bits and pieces that make sense to you.

The good news is that you now have a few phrases you can look into a little more deeply, and see which applies best to you. Sexuality is a really huge spectrum. Many people think of it as a line ranging from gay to bi to straight, but it’s actually a lot more complex than that.

I personally feel that there is no real reason why you should have to define yourself. These different labels really don’t serve a purpose for you; they just make you easier to categorize. And guess what? These categorizations hold a ton of stereotypes, connotations, and meanings that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you. If it helps you to think in terms of a label, then by all means, look to find one – but don’t let anyone else pressure you into “picking”.

Take care, and I wish you all the best!

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First Time With A Girl, Any Advice?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: First time with a girl, any advice?

Dear KitschMix,

My best friend and I have been fooling around for a while. And she is really excited about us and the fact that we are going have sex together.

Honestly, I‘m pretty damn nervous. I’m confident about my body but not my performance, as my experience is zero. Aside from that, I’ve only been with a man.

What should I do? Even though I’m by far the passive one, I want her to have a good time too. Any advice for?

Well, this is probably going to come across a little cocky, but… I actually wrote the book on first-time lesbian sex. OK, maybe not the book, but a book all the same. Just in case you don’t want to buy it on Amazon, I’ll sum up the basics for you.

First of all, let me tell you that safer sex is very important – even for lesbians. There’s this myth that lesbians can’t get STDs, but it’s exactly that – a myth. Safer sex for lesbians is a little different than safer sex in a heterosexual relationship, but some of the same general practices apply.

  • Keep everything clean – you can get a yeast infection or a UTI if you don’t. This applies to your hands as well as your vagina!
  • If you’re going to be participating in oral sex, you should be using a dental dam. Even if you are 100% sure that neither you or your partner has an STD, new research shows that oral sex can cause mouth cancer – yikes!
  • You can use condoms with your sex toys – just make sure you change condoms when you switch roles (if you’re using the same toy), and if you go from the anus to the vagina – no exceptions!
  • It’s also a good idea to get tested regularly, just to make sure there’s nothing going on. There are clinics that will provide testing services for cheap or even free, if you qualify. These clinics should not discriminate based on your sexuality.

Next, I’d like to present to you a selection from the “what to expect” portion of my e-book, as I think it’s pretty much the most important thing when having any new sexual experience. A lack of confidence can often be cleared up by simply having an understanding of what it is that you’re going to do:

Think of the things that turn you on. If you have experience with men, you can translate this to women, within some reason. Kiss your partner deeply and touch her body. Don’t try to rush things along too fast; it’s important to make sure you both are deeply aroused before you can progress to other activities.

Once you are both sufficiently aroused, it’s time to start undressing. While your nervousness (and possibly your experience with men) may lead you to believe you should undress yourself, this isn’t necessarily the case – part of the fun in any sexual encounter is the ability to “unwrap” your partner. Give yourself sufficient time to take in the sights. You might even decide that you aren’t attracted to women at this point – that happens sometimes. It’s best not to push it if there’s no attraction whatsoever, even if it means that you two will end up “finishing the job” yourselves.

You may find it helpful to seek out specific articles regarding lesbian sex – although ideally, you will have at least a basic understanding of the mechanics before you pursue those outlets. Your first time shouldn’t be anything spectacular. In fact, it’s likely that you won’t even climax your first time. Believe it or not, this is perfectly fine, as it has opened you up for the possibility of what can happen in the future. No one is an expert right away, and you shouldn’t expect to be.

Of course, I’ve skipped over a lot here – but basically, the best thing to do is experiment. Think of the things you like, and try those. They won’t necessarily work for her, too, but you should be able to tell whether they’re working or not – as a woman, you’re probably more likely to recognize a faked orgasm than a man is. If it looks like the sort of orgasm you see in a porn film, it’s probably fake. (Sorry, not sorry.)

The best thing about all of this is that it’s only going to get better after your first time. The fact that you want to learn already puts you at an advantage over those who think they know it all. The myth that “women automatically know what women want” is a total crap line that’s basically used to try and tempt the bi-curious into taking the plunge. You have to explore your partner’s body in order to figure out what she likes, and it doesn’t always come naturally to everyone. That’s okay. She’ll let you know what she likes.

If you want some specific pointers, I’ve got a collection of sex position articles for you to browse, too. There are quite a few, but here are the ones I think would be best for your limited experience:

These are all pretty easy, even for beginners, and most women will love them. Let her guide you, too – it’s more about what she likes than what someone completely out of the picture says. Sex is a deeply personal thing, after all, and no two women are exactly alike.

Feel free to mix it up, too! Don’t be intimidated by focusing on whether it’s a “real” sex position or not. The truth is, if it turns you on, it’s sex (or at a minimum, it’s foreplay). Don’t worry about getting it right away – it takes some time to get your technique down. Just have fun, be honest, and communicate your desires. Feel free to let us know how it went!

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Am I Setting Myself Up For An Emotional Disaster?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Am I setting myself up for an emotional disaster?

Dear KitschMix,

After years of strictly monogamous relationship, my partner passed away. Our relationship had many ups and downs, but we were always in love. After getting tired of being alone, I decided to get back into the dating scene, though not really knowing what I wanted. I’m past the “making a family” stage, so I was torn between just wanting a girlfriend(s) and wanting, once again, that feeling of having a close relationship with one woman.

Eventually, I met a wonderful, free-spirited woman. But her past lifestyle experience is vastly different from mine. She left an abusive husband five years ago and began a polyamorous lifestyle with “friends.” We’ve dated steadily since our first meeting three months ago. In that time, we’ve fallen in love.

I am not judgmental in any way, nor am I ever jealous. At the same time, in a love affair, I do not share my intimacy, so her lifestyle is in contrast to mine. Simply, if she wishes other people to be intimate with her, I cannot be involved with her. I made my feelings clear, and after a few days she committed herself to our monogamous relationship. Since then, the relationship has intensified wonderfully.

She still remains in contact with some of her “friends,” and occasionally goes to lunch or dinner with them – but only as a friend and not a lover (as far as I know). She has not lied to me (as far as I know) and has always been forthright and upfront in advance about her meet-ups (as far as I know). She has done nothing (as far as I know) to cause me to feel doubt about her actions. In the back of my mind, however, I have not been able to relieve my concern about the situation. I have not had to change my lifestyle for this relationship, whereas she has. And in conversation about this, she freely admits that this is a vast change for her.

I do not want to be controlling or overbearing and demand. I have no doubts about her feelings about me. I am about to bring her deeper into my life (financially and emotionally) but I could not stand for her to fall back into her past lifestyle, even briefly, as I would end the relationship over it. Am I setting myself up for an emotional disaster? Is there some way I can assure myself about our relationship?

I have a few words for you that will most likely not be easy to swallow:

Those who identify as strictly monogamous are often unable to be involved with someone who identifies as polyamorous. Likewise, those who are polyamorous are often unable to make the transition to monogamy without at least an occasional “slip-up”.

I don’t want to tell you that she’s definitely sleeping with her friends, because that’s not necessarily the case. As she has been monogamous in the past, she can make the change, but it will be hard, and I would recommend that you do anticipate a slip-up. Of course, I hope it never happens – but you will need to know that the temptation may be there.

I have been involved in open relationships before, and they weren’t really my thing. Personally, I could never be romantically involved with someone in a non-exclusive relationship, but I have “shared” before – just making sure to keep my emotions in check. You can feel for someone without allowing yourself to get attached, but it’s definitely a learning process and it won’t come easy.

For your particular situation, the fact that she tells you things ahead of time is reassuring. Inwardly, she is acknowledging that it is a point of temptation for her, and she is also acknowledging that your opinion matters to her. From your description, I would say she is giving this current relationship her full effort.

My advice to you is that you do not move forward with the relationship until you are absolutely confident that she will not regress to her “old ways”. Of course, there’s not really such thing as certainty, especially as it pertains to other people. But if there’s a question in your mind, you’re not ready to take that step yet – and I would venture that she might not be, either.

Sadly, there’s not really any set-in-stone way to be sure. It’s always going to be a risk, on both ends – but the fact that she tells you ahead of time tells me that she wants to know that you’re ok with it. I hope that she is being completely honest with you. If I had to guess based on this limited information, I’d guess that she is.

I completely understand why you are hesitant to discuss this with her, but for the sake of your sanity as well as your relationship, you must. It’s going to be awkward, and it might even be painful. But it’s necessary, especially if you are considering a deeper commitment. If you’re hinting at the type of commitment it sounds like, there’s no reason to ruin the surprise – but you can discuss your feelings and your fears without coming across as controlling.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when you discuss this with her:

  • Let her know that you appreciate her monogamy and honesty.
  • Tell her you understand how big of a change it is for her.
  • Thank her for keeping you informed on the situation with her “friends”.
  • Ask her (politely) if she feels tempted to return to her old lifestyle – and if she is, you should tell her that it’s not something wrong with her, but rather an incompatibility between the two of you.
  • If the two of you determine that the temptation is too high to promise anything, you may choose to extend a one-time “hall pass”. This is where you basically give her permission for a last “hurrah”. I know you said that you would end the relationship if it came to that, but if it turns out that it’s just something she needs to get out of her system, it can help to have a predetermined period of time where it wouldn’t count as cheating. This is not like forcing you into an open relationship; think of it as “a break” instead. It can be painful – make no mistake – but it will give her time to decide if her relationship with you is worth giving up the lifestyle she knows.
  • If the thought of a “hall pass” is too much for you to handle, but she is incredibly tempted, you might be best to let each other go. At their essence, polyamory and monogamy are not compatible, and both are lifestyle choices. Since it is a choice, it can be changed – but only with dedication. If she thinks that the draw is too strong, she won’t be able to resist the temptation, and it would be best to say goodbye before you get more attached.

The unfortunate downside of this hypothetical conversation is that it’s nearly impossible to tell if she’s being honest through it – the only thing you can guarantee is that you speak honestly. Pay attention to her body language. You said she has given you no reason to doubt her, so keep that in mind. Your intuition may be your best friend or your worst enemy here.

From my outside perspective, I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but I know it can be hard to decipher these things without knowing for sure. She seems like she is doing her best to be honest and upfront with you, and I think that if she were trying to hide something from you, she wouldn’t give you the little details to work around; she’d be making things up completely. Since she tells you when she is with them and usually before it happens, she is laying herself in the open to you. She is trying – just try to be understanding if she’s not perfect at it.

When Will I Find the Time For Love?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: When Will I Find the Time For Love?

Dear KitschMix,

This has been my first few months living away from my parents, and they really haven’t turned out like I hoped they would.

When I lived at home, I had to hide my sexuality, so much so that I missed out on love and dating. If my father found out I was gay, god knows what would have happened. I couldn’t risk it, as much as it killed me. I still feel like I missed out on important experiences because of that.

I’ve now moved away from home, have some freedom. Unfortunately, this is not happening. It my first year of college, and I have a ridiculous workload. No exaggeration, almost every day get up at eight, start working on school work/going to class by nine, keep working to 12-12:30 am, eat supper at one, do chores till three or four in the morning, get to sleep and get up the next morning to do it all over again.

It was crazy. I had to make every personal sacrifice – my social life, my health (I couldn’t go to the gym and I’ve been eating only take-out for two months now), and my free time.

I feel horrible for complaining, I know people go through these sorts of ordeals all the time, and it last long, but I’m not a strong person.

I feel emotionally drained. I bust into tears every day. I feel so alone. I get my work in and get good grades, but other then that I’m falling apart.

The thing that’s upset me the most, is having to yet again throw my romantic pursuits in the trash again. I’m really embarrassed that, out of everything, this is what’s upsetting me the most about my situation.

It seems stupid, but I am just so lonely. I’m so sexually and romantically frustrated at this point, I’m going to explode.

I feel isolated, and have no one to turn to.  On the surface everyone thinks I’m doing so well, but deep down I’m not.

Reader, I’m going to reiterate a point that I’m sure you’ve already figured out on your own: You have to make time for your personal and social life. This can understandably be difficult with your work load (I’m a workaholic who works from home – trust me, I know!) but it’s important that you take time for yourself, in whatever way you can fit it in. Otherwise, the cycle of frustration and drain will only worsen.

One way you might be able to fit in time, without sacrificing your school work, would be to find a way to combine your health and social lives into one. For example, join a gym or a team. It might be a stereotype, but joining a sports team (softball, tennis – you know, “lesbian sports”) could help you find someone, at least as a friend. I know that’s not your big concern right now, but I feel that it’s best that you start a relationship as friends and let it develop naturally from there.

Does your campus have some type of queer group? This is also a good place to meet friends and romantic partners. While I was in college, I was involved with my school’s “Pride Club”, and I met a few great people, many of which I’m still friends with even though I have moved away from that city. Typically, clubs like this will meet infrequently, and you are under no obligation to attend these meetings, so you can schedule them in when you have the time and just skip it when you don’t.

Online dating could be an option for you as well. Not only are we more comfortable being honest when “hidden” behind a screen, but it also makes it easier to interact on our own time. Many dating sites will let you cater your search preferences to things that matter to you, and we even have a list of online dating resources that are great for the lesbian community (see here). While online dating should not replace all social interaction, it can be a convenient and relatively safe way to meet new people. (Please also see our Easy Online Lesbian Dating Guide.)

Now for an unpopular opinion: If you need to take the occasional “mental health day” (a day off from school or work, that is not officially approved by your school’s administration or your employer), take one! You mentioned that you have good grades, so an occasional day off is not likely to break your academic record.

The school system is not inherently set up to encourage good mental health, and in many cases it can be the cause of mental health crises. Please, reader, don’t let this happen to you. I don’t encourage taking a day off every week, or anything like that, but if you’re feeling too burned out, you’re less effective in the classroom anyway, so giving yourself a break every now and then can actually improve your grades, as long as you’re not missing anything important.

Many professors implement a policy where late work is given a lower grade automatically – I know one of my old professors assigned a 10% penalty for each class date that an assignment was late. In this case, taking an extra day to clear your mind may allow you to earn a 100% – which, with the penalty, would come up to 90% – still an A. On the other hand, if you force yourself through it and do work that is not your best, you may be getting lower than a 90% anyway. Your exact results will vary depending on your teachers’ policies, but if you are otherwise doing well in your classes, and you take care to not miss any important tests or deadlines, a little break won’t be the end of the world.

You must think of your health, because chances are no one else is going to value it for you. You must be your own advocate here. You’d take a day off for your physical health, right? Your mental health should be no different.

I truly hope that my advice has given you some ideas to work with. Now it’s up to you to decide which tips you can implement and which to ignore – not every solution works for everyone, as every situation is different. The good news is that these tips can be used in combination for most people, so you are free to find what works best for you. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch and let me know which you tried, and what your results were. Take care of yourself, reader – you deserve it!


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How Do I Ask Her To Be My Girlfriend?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: How Do I Ask Her To Be My Girlfriend?

Dear KitschMix,

We’ve been talking long distance for about a year and I’ve seen her a couple of times. I get to see her this weekend and I really want to ask her to be officially mine even though we essentially have been loyal and together. Any ideas that would be cute?

Long distance is an especially tough situation to be in, but thankfully this doesn’t usually apply to asking someone out. In fact, it can be easier to ask her out if she’s far away, because (in theory) you have limitless time to come up with something cute – you have time to “script” your question and even come up with something super adorable.

Your specific wording will depend on things that she likes, which you obviously know better than I do. Here are a few cute ideas:

  • If she likes pizza, consider: “Will you be my girlfriend, or is this too cheesy?” – written on the inside of a pizza box.
  • If she likes OITNB, you can consider something like “Will you be my partner in crime?” – and then follow with a Netflix binge.
  • If she likes cats (and cheesy puns), you can probably find a blank-inside card somewhere, with a cat on the front, and fill in “Having you as my girlfriend would be purr-fect!”
  • If she likes coffee, you could get her some Starbucks (or coffee from a local coffee shop – support locally owned businesses!) and write “I’d love to wake up next to you” on the cup. If you take her with you for this, you could probably tip the barista to write it for an extra special “surprise” – just make sure it’s clear that the flirtation is coming from you.

Really, there’s no limit to the number of cute ways you can ask someone out, whether it’s long distance or someone you’ve lived next door to for your entire life. This page has a great list of cute ways to ask someone out – but it should be noted that some of these are not realistic. Use your own discretion!

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I’m Not Gay Enough

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: I’m Not Gay Enough

Dear KitschMix,

For years I hide my sexuality, but now I’m out, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m struggling here. Whenever I go out people assume I’m straight. Then when I tell them I’m not, they look at me skeptically, like I’m lying.

Some women find my ‘straight’ girl appearance a turn on, others a turn off. But no seems to want to enter in to a relationship with me. It’s like there is some sort of fear there. That I’ll head back to the straight side. I’m a fake, a fraud.

I enjoy having long hair, wearing dresses, and I want to stay true to my ‘femme-side-of-the-spectrum’ self. But this isn’t working for me. I just want other ladies to believe I’m ‘gay’ (not prove over and over again), so that they’ll give me a chance. Help!

It’s a tale as old as lesbian-dom itself: The invisible femme. I don’t even personally consider myself a femme, but I happen to fall victim to this, too. Apparently I have a “straight face” or something? I don’t know.

(Even one of the quizzes here on KitschMix told me I was actually straight! I can’t win.)

Even when I’m wearing flannel and Chuck Taylors.

And all my rainbow jewelry.

At the gay bar.

With my girlfriend.

Like, literally sitting on her lap.

I just don’t look gay – and it’s actually taken me a long time to feel comfortable with that.

It might actually have something to do with how long we stay in the closet (but don’t quote me on that). I was a relatively late bloomer among my gay friends, and I even briefly went “back in the closet” for a while to try and prove to myself I was wrong about liking girls… But all I proved was that I am so, so gay. It sucks feeling like you have to prove yourself, especially if you actually fail miserably at it.

I wish I had some easy advice to tell you how to look gayer, but unfortunately for some of us it’s just not possible. In some ways, that can be a benefit.

My current girlfriend is usually attracted to super girly girls – which I am not – but there’s a sexiness she sees in me; something about how “girly” I still look in my ribbed tanks and basketball shorts. (Okay, so they’re actually hers, but still.)

I’ve had jobs where I was afraid to be “out” around my coworkers, and… Well, no matter how gay I try to look, it doesn’t happen – which works out pretty well if I’m trying to be “straight-acting”.

This isn’t the case when you’re trying to find a lady, though. I get completely looked over unless I’m looking online. The only reason my current lady ended up approaching me? I was friends with her cousin – and she found me on Facebook posting a bunch of memes about vaginas. (Hint: That helps, but it can be difficult if you have family or super conservative friends on your Facebook.)

I have never been checked out by a female in public, nor have I ever been approached in a bar. (Well… Not by a female. I really did have some guy who got creepy-obsessive who I met at the gay bar, who was apparently there to pick up girls, and he assumed that since I was the “straightest-looking” lady in the bar, I was fair game. Not great.) Most of my past girlfriends have been jealous over my friendships with guys because they assume that “the gay thing” is just a phase. Hello, it’s almost 2016, we shouldn’t ever assume that someone’s sexuality is just a phase. Even if it is, that’s nobody else’s business but theirs.

I actually met someone through friends once, and after several hours of my shy flirting with her (apparently I’m not very good at that either), she tells me “So I have yet to see any proof that you’re actually gay.” At this point I was feeling like she was ignoring all my advances, so of course I responded with, “Well I haven’t seen any proof you are, either.” I was actually tempted to provide her with a list of references. That’s how bad it is!

Why do we need to prove ourselves to anyone? It’s demeaning, and only reinforces the idea that we have to prove ourselves. It’s a catch-22. The harder you try, the less gay you’ll actually look.

That’s not to say that I don’t still “try” to look gay sometimes, though. I’ve still got my rainbow jewelry, and if I’m going out without my girlfriend I make a point to dress more studly – not that it works very well. Beanies can help, but with “lesbian fashion” being pretty much the same as “hipster fashion”, it doesn’t make much of a difference anymore.

Rather than trying to prove your gayness, focus on being more confident in yourself. Your confidence will attract a better caliber of partner… Someone who cares less about how gay you look and more about how awesome of a person you are. Most of the time, the best relationships come when you’re not actually looking – and the less focus you put on it, the better your chances will be.

(Not to mention, a “DGAF” attitude is super liberating. I can’t even explain how freeing it can be when you’re more worried about making yourself happy than fitting in someone else’s label.)

If you want to have a little fun with the idea while still being true to your femme self (which you totally should; femmes are great!) consider this “Nobody Knows I’m Gay” shirt. It’s totally cute, still girly, and it might help to drive the point home.

Is She Interested in Me or Am I Reading This Wrong?

We aim to get to the heart of your sex and relationship problems, so if you need advice, please contact us.

Q: Is She Interested in Me or Am I Reading This Wrong?

Dear KitschMix,

Long-time reader, first time responder. I saw a post from this site regarding helping one with problems of the heart. I should introduce myself, my name is Alison and I’m a Transwoman/lesbian.

I label myself that because even though I have gone from MTF, I still prefer women over men (they’re softer and sweeter). However, I have met this one woman, an extraordinary woman, who I think I may be in love with but I know I can’t be with because she has a boyfriend. For the most part he’s out if the picture due to them having separate careers and could not be collocated so we spend a lot of time together. She’s admitted to having a dream of me (doing her dishes oddly enough) and I once complimented her on a jumper so she wore it when I was invited to dinner with her neighbours.

We’ve been shopping and do all the usual girly stuff together and like the same things. We just get on like a house on fire. She is just so sweet. But I’m not sure if I’m reading into it too much or I’m paranoid. What do I do?

Hello Alison! I would love to try and help with your issue. Your situation is a complicated one, indeed, although not exactly because of how you identify. (I only mention it because you felt the need to clarify your identity – in regards to who is included in the lesbian community, you are definitely “one of us”, and I would like to extend a formal “welcome!” just in case no one else has.)

Now, in regards to your friend – this is definitely the tough part. In this day and age, it can be incredibly difficult to determine who is interested in other women – which is both good and bad. In your case, there is an extra layer of difficulty because of your transition. As much as I wish I could tell you that everyone will open their arms to you, unfortunately that’s not always the case.

It is apparent to me that this woman is not transphobic (I’m assuming she knows you are a transwoman?), which is of course a positive. But you have not included enough information for me to tell if she is interested in women, or if she would properly consider you a woman as it pertains to a relationship – the latter half being essential to your own happiness. After all, you don’t want to be with someone who identifies you as a “feminine man”; that wouldn’t be fair to you as that is not how you identify.

I like to consider that, in addition to homophobic/transphobic and homo-/trans-accepting, there is also a third classification: The homo-/trans-naïve. (I have never heard anyone else use this particular label, but I think it’s an important thing to consider.) The good news is, even if she does fall under one of these particular labels, they are usually not coming from a place of hostility such as homophobia and transphobia, and it is possible to educate in these situations.

The easiest way for you to determine her thoughts on these subjects specifically would be to ask. I know, that can be nerve-wracking sometimes, but it shouldn’t be considered more difficult than the process of coming out. She has proven that she is accepting of you, and even that she likes you to a certain extent. The particular extent will dictate your actions moving forward.

Here are a few things I would like you to think about:

  • If you have not come out to her as a transwoman, you will of course need to decide whether you do this before you proceed or after. Sadly, I have very limited experience in this area, so I’m not sure what the specific considerations will be. I have heard opinions in support of both options (getting it over with vs. waiting). There is no “wrong” choice.
  • If you are not sure if she is interested in women (bi/pansexual), you might consider the act of coming out to her as a lesbian (if you haven’t already). In my experience, this type of “confession” may influence others to come out in response – this can work to your favour! It’s not guaranteed, though, as not everyone is comfortable with the idea of being out.
  • Many people are now embracing the idea of open relationships, particularly when they do not live together (or only live together part-time). This is a tough one to bring up, as it can be a touchy subject if she’s not in an open relationship – but if you’re willing to accept the idea, there is a chance that the boyfriend doesn’t impact your own relationship with her.
  • It might not be much for subtlety, but there is always the option of confessing your feelings for her – which, in many cases, can help to answer all of your questions. This is risky, of course, as it might put her off if she doesn’t feel the same way. But from what you’ve told me so far, I think that (at worst) it might make things a little awkward – but you will still be able to keep her as a friend.
  • If you absolutely cannot bear the thought of a potential rejection, I would advise you to hint at your own feelings, without revealing them entirely. For example, let her know that you are a lesbian, and that you find her beautiful, but leaving out the part where you think you’re in love with her. If she feels the same way, she might even make the first move!

I wish there was more I could do to help, but the situation is not something I’ve had direct experience with. I do wish you the best and I would love to hear how it goes for you – please don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have any further questions! Take care, Alison.