Dear KitschMix,

So I’m in this sticky situation that I wish I were never in. I met this girl at work and we have been talking for over a month, I’m married but filling for a divorce with my wife and she’s in the same situation.

We have been hanging out every weekend getting drunk at bars and having fun. The first time we went to a gay bar I seen her make out with a guy (but claims to be a lesbian). It really made me mad seeing it because I knew I was starting to have feelings for her.

Then the third time we went to a bar I saw her make out with another guy, a guy that we both work with! And this happened this past weekend. I drove off from the bar because I was hurt, then I had the guts to go back to her house to talk to her.

But she’d taken him home with her because he wasn’t stable enough to go back to his place. So we argued a little bit, then out of nowhere we started having sex.

Morning came around and another co-worker came over and she’s bi, and she always had feelings for this girl that I have feelings for. They make out and started to have sex, so I left her house. I haven’t talked to her since Saturday, and it’s kind of sad because she knows how I feel for her. And she has told me that she likes me as well. I’m just super confused and don’t know if I should stay friends with her or show her more of how I feel…

Hello reader! That sounds like a super complicated situation to be in. I’ve never been in that exact situation myself, but I can imagine how rough it must be. I think that, in order to decide how you move forward, you need to figure out the answers to a few smaller questions.

First, does it bother you that she’s not being monogamous? For many women, monogamy is not implied – and, in many ways, it shouldn’t be the default. Unless you and another person have established that you are in a monogamous relationship with one another, you’re not in a monogamous relationship.

Even if it seems a bit rude for her to give sexual attention to people right in front of you… Some people don’t see this as a problem. If it bothers you, have a chat with her. Some people who default to non-monogamous are willing to be a little less open, if requested by their partner. For others, having a “primary” or “only” partner is out of the question. Some people operate as 100% single when single, and 100% committed when they have a girlfriend. It’s different for everyone.

Next, does it bother you that she calls herself a lesbian, but still gives sexual attention to men? I personally feel that this is a question of semantics. I’ve known lesbians who occasionally had sex with men, but exclusively had relationships with women. I’ve known lesbians who were in a committed relationship with a man, but actively pursuing women (usually, but not always, with encouragement from their husbands). I’ve also known lesbians who considered themselves “politically homosexual, but sexually fluid”.

All of these women were taking the label and making it their own – whether anyone else agrees with their self-identification being irrelevant to them. I notice that this seems to be a trend these days – but I personally love it. As a creative type, I love when someone “customizes” their self-identification in some way. It’s not always about sexuality, even; but, in general, the words a person uses to introduce themselves tell a story about how they feel about themselves, and their life in general. Really, no one “owns” any of the words they use to describe themselves – they’re just borrowing them for a very specific purpose. As a writer and a psychology nerd, these word choices are fascinating to me.

I think the biggest question here is whether either of these things would be a deal-breaker for you, because you can’t expect someone to change – if you aren’t willing to risk the situation staying exactly the same as it is now, you shouldn’t try to push forward. In this case, it might be best to stay just friends, so you don’t risk getting more attached.

If you would be willing to try the situation as it is now (even though it’s obviously not ideal for you), I would definitely recommend telling her how you feel about her. Start with what you like about her – what makes you so drawn to her. Then, once you’ve established why you want to be with her, pose your questions about the situation as it stands. Just make sure they stay questions – remember, by expressing your feelings, you were implying that you were willing to give it a shot as it already stands.

Now, please note that neither choice is going to be easy – and it’ll be more difficult, the more strongly you feel about her. But if there’s any chance she could be your soulmate, it’s worth the time it takes to figure it all out.