It’s considered an inevitability in all committed relationships: At some point, your sex life just isn’t going to be what it once was.
However, great sex is just as important three years in as it was the first time.
What can you do if the passion is diminished, but you still care deeply about your partner?
There are some simple steps you can do to bring that spark back.
“We’re not having sex as often as I’d like/as often as we used to.”
There could be a million reasons for this. Maybe you’ve taken on new jobs (one or both of you) and simply don’t have the time anymore.
Perhaps you have even moved in with each other. This constant contact can make it less important to have sex on a regular basis. In order to prevent either party from feeling “left out”, I personally implement a system of “I’ll give it to you on such-and-such day, when my schedule is less hectic.”
The idea of “scheduled sex” may seem like a business contract, but the reality is that you may want it more if you’re forced to wait for it.
“She used to spend hours getting me turned on, and now she expects me to give it up on demand.”
This is actually a common problem across all relationships, too. As we grow more comfortable with our partner, we assume that there will be that same horniness that there was in the start.
If it’s there, that’s great! But if it’s not, the best thing you can do is talk to her about it. She may not realize that you need some inspiration before you’re ready to get naked. If you’re not comfortable with coming straight out and saying you need foreplay, try saying things like “Hey, remember that one time you _____?
That really turned me on, you should do that more often.” Chances are, she’ll jump at the chance to get you warmed up, and in many cases she may attempt to implement this advice right away. (Let her!)
“Our sex life has gotten boring.”
This is something I’ve actually heard a few times. This falls in line with the above problem – we are comfortable with our partner, and we are comfortable with “the same old sex” that we’ve been having for years.
It’s actually one of the easiest problems to fix, although it does take a bit of imagination. Consider your partner’s desires, and invite them to discuss theirs.
Are they into costumes? Toys? Massage oils? Consider looking for these items together. Not only will this ensure that the product(s) you purchase will be well-received, but the act of “naughty shopping” together may strike an immediate need. If she is turned on by the idea of sex in public, go for it! – within your legal limits.
We at KitschMix don’t encourage our readers to subject themselves to the fines that come along with public indecency. But if you happen to be on a long drive down an old country road, or you have a big back yard with a trampoline… Why not?
“She’d rather just do it herself.”
This is a tough one, especially in couples where one person may be insecure.
The feeling that your partner would rather pleasure herself than ask you to pleasure her comes across as a rejection of you, even though that’s often not the case. Hey, maybe she knows you’ve been really busy and stressed, and doesn’t want to get in your way. Or maybe she just likes pleasuring herself.
Either way, the best course of action is to talk to her about how it makes you feel. Most likely, she’s not doing it to hurt you.
(There are some situations where it’s done with the intent of bringing out insecurities, but that’s another issue all to itself.)
“I find myself thinking about someone else while we’re intimate.”
The idea of fantasizing about others is definitely divided: Some women consider it cheating to imagine someone else, while others consider it a valuable form of foreplay.
If it’s an actual person you know that you’re fantasizing about, this can create problems, especially if your partner were to find out.
She could understandably become quite jealous, and if she has issues with insecurities as stated above, this is pretty much guaranteed to make them worse.
However, if it’s a celebrity or an obscure image that you’re fantasizing about – where’s the harm? If imagining this other person is what it takes for you to be aroused, I say go for it. As long as it’s not someone you could actually hook up with if you weren’t so dedicated to not doing it.
The most important thing to take into consideration if you’re unhappy with your sex life, for any reason, is that you have the power to change it.
Communication with your partner can work wonders, and it’s a vital step in order to ensure your happiness.
If you care about your partner, it is vital that you establish a sexual relationship that adequately complements your emotional bond.
It’s also important to note that these conversations often repeat themselves. Just as with any other aspect of your relationship, you will need to work at it on an ongoing basis in order to make sure neither of you is feeling neglected.