Why Dating A Stem Is Pretty Much The Best

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When it comes to lesbians, there are typically two main categories that we’re broken into: That would be, studs and femmes. However, many lesbians choose to stay somewhere in the middle area – I like to call that stem territory. (Stem = stud + femme, for those who weren’t aware.)


Other people refer to this as “verses”, “no labels”, or any variety of words, really, because the labels you assign yourself happen to be a matter of personal preference.

Don’t get me wrong – I love all women. On a fundamental level, none of us is any better than any others, and this article isn’t meant to convey superiority. But in the interest of equality, shouldn’t we all be striving for actual equality? Stems and no-labels happen to fit the bill perfectly in this regard.

Here are my top 10 reasons why dating a stem is something everyone should experience in their lives!

1. They don’t care about your stereotypes.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with stereotypes, in theory. They’re there because they serve a purpose, whether it’s for the person submitting themselves to the stereotype or the person assigning the stereotype. However, when you turn the stereotypes on their face, you force the people to actually accept you as you are – and that’s a beautiful thing!

2. They look great in anything.

Stems can rock basketball shorts and a baggy t-shirt one day, and the next day they could step out in an evening gown and some heels. It’s great because some days you want to look extra stunning, and other days you might not want to put forth the effort. A stem will easily understand if you, too, don’t want to put forth that same effort sometimes – it’s hard work trying to fit the same label all the time!

3. You basically have two girlfriends.

Some of the stems I know even have separate personas for their multiple labels. No, that doesn’t mean they’re crazy, just that they identify in a non-binary way that lets you have two different girlfriends: The one rocking Jordans and the one rocking Louboutins – and neither one is mad because they share the same body.

Win-win! (And if you happen to have a stem with curly hair and glasses, this can be extra fun… A straightener and some contacts will up the “girlfriend” count to 8. It’s pretty great, actually.)

4. They’re down for whatever.

Going to the ballet? She’s down, because she spent six years in ballet classes when she was a kid. Going to the hockey game? Even better, she’ll cheer louder than everyone else in the arena. Stems don’t like to limit themselves for anything, and they won’t expect you to limit yourself to just the interests that “fit” with your image.

5. They’re easy going!

OK, so technically this isn’t inclusive of all stems, nor does it exclude all who fit into a predefined label. But generally speaking, stems don’t really care what you choose to label yourself as, because they haven’t labeled themselves either. They just don’t care. And if you do have a specific preference in a partner, they’re likely willing to accommodate – within reason.

You want a femme? She’ll be the girliest girl you’ve ever seen on every date. You prefer studs? Watch her rock a pinstriped suit like a boss.

6. They’re independent.

Because they don’t choose to limit themselves to the “traditionally male” or “traditionally female” roles, they’re more ready to open themselves to the possibility of whatever life throws at them. They may lift weights so that they can open their own jars without you, and they might know how to give a killer manicure because they just spent all of last week obsessing over the perfect nail polish shades.

There’s something extra sexy about knowing your girl wants you, but she doesn’t need you.

7. They get to play “spy”.

The stems that I know can present themselves as more masculine when they’re hanging out with their guy friends, or they can present themselves as more feminine when they’re hanging out with their girl friends. It’s not an exact science, but being able to fit in with the straight community is pretty helpful in this day and age where lesbians are presumed to be more accepted, but in reality they’re just more sexualized.

By being “one of the guys” with their straight male friends, and “one of the girls” with their straight female friends, they can influence the topic of discussion away from the “Are you sure you’re gay?” and the “I’m not sure I’m straight”, respectively.

8. Studs – they’ll teach you how to be more feminine.

Maybe you don’t think you need to be more feminine, and that’s ok. But when you date a stem, she’ll probably show you how fun it can be to lay back and be the “pillow princess” – even if you’d prefer to be called Batman. Stems can teach you the things that you’re missing out on by putting up your masculine face first.

9. Femmes – they’ll teach you how to be more masculine.

Just like with the studs, maybe you’re comfortable with your current balance. That’s fine, and she should never force you into anything you don’t want to do. But if you have yet to experience how sexy it can be when she looks at you and says “I want you to take me right now” – well, you’re in for a treat!

10. They look the same naked anyway.

This doesn’t specifically refer to stems, but I’ve chosen to include it because, at the end of the day, your lady is still going to be your lady, regardless of how she chooses to dress. Why limit yourself to someone who fits into this stereotype that you’ve defined?

Stem girls will still be the same person at the end of the day that they were yesterday, a week ago, or two years ago. And isn’t that what really matters?

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If only the world was as “open-minded” as us… Alas, matters of sexual identity and equal love, often cause so much friction in the rest of the world. Here, find an open dialogue on the issues facing our LGBT community.

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