Why You Should Ask What She Wants in the Bedroom (And Not Just Assume)

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There’s a myth that we, as lesbians, automatically know what our sexual partners want – but it’s exactly that, a MYTH!

Sometimes when we’re with someone for awhile, we tend to think that we can predict what they’ll like in the bedroom. This is sometimes true, for partners who have good communication – but it’s important to realize that the communication is a necessary part of this process.

In the lesbian community, many of us propagate the myth that “women know what women want”. To some degree, this is true; we can infer the things that are applicable to all women… But quite frankly, these all-encompassing rules are few and far between.

This is especially true when it comes to a newer relationship or one that is specifically focused on sex.

Why, you may ask?

1. Every woman is different.

There may be common interests between you and your partner, or your current partner and your previous partners, but no two women are exactly alike. What turns one woman on can completely turn off another – and this is something you won’t know for sure unless you actually ask.

2. Some women don’t even know what they want.

Sure, we might have an idea of the things we like, but that doesn’t mean that we know everything about ourselves. If you assume that you know her better than she knows herself, you’re most likely greatly mistaken. You might know a bit more about her mannerisms than she does, but that doesn’t mean you can see through her and know what all of her interests are, especially if she doesn’t even know them herself.

3. There’s a chance she agrees to things because she knows/thinks you like them.

This can be particularly damaging if you are both just going along with the flow. If you don’t like ear kissing, for example, but you assume she loves it because she’s never said otherwise. She doesn’t say anything because she thinks you enjoy kissing her ears. In all reality, neither one of you may be satisfied with this experience, but you’re just trying to go with it to please your partner. Do you see the problem here?

4. She might think you won’t enjoy the activities she wants the most.

I’ve been guilty of this in the past – I’ve kept my desires to myself in the hopes that my partner will suggest the things she wants, and I can either agree or disagree, and that’s that. But along with #2, this means that we could be denying something just because we’ve never tried it before, or it could simply not come to mind because it’s not something we actually enjoy ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that we’re not willing to do it, just that it’s not something we’d think to suggest.

5. She may have fantasies she’s embarrassed to express.

It can be tough to open up, especially in a new relationship. Some sexual fantasies are particularly tricky to eloquently bring up, especially when one partner is shy and/or inexperienced. But you never know what you could be missing if you keep things inside. You never know, you might share these fantasies and you’d never even guess.

6. Communication is vital in every aspect of your relationship!

You can’t expect to read your partner’s mind, nor should she be expected to read yours. This applies to all the various components in your relationship – perhaps your sexual relationship most of all. If you don’t communicate your wants, needs, and desires, at least one of you is likely to be unsatisfied with the relationship.

Ladies, there’s a whole world of sexual experiences out there, and if you limit yourself to the assumptions of your partner (or yourself), you could be missing things and not even know it. Not everyone is into everything, and that’s okay.

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If only the world was as “open-minded” as us… Alas, matters of sexual identity and equal love, often cause so much friction in the rest of the world. Here, find an open dialogue on the issues facing our LGBT community.

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